#one minute he's like a cool uncle to them and the next... a scapegoat

[merakiui]

Imagine being bullied by dilf Azul's kids, so to bully them back you sleep with their hot dad >:)

bonus points if yandere👀

- Azuzu's tentacle anon🐙

OOOOOOO OMG imagine being his secretary and when he can't find someone to watch his kids while he's at work he just dumps them on you. T_T Azul's so busy and your entire job essentially revolves around him. Looking after his kids for the day is just part of that, or so he tells you with that classic, persuasive smirk-grin of his. You didn't mind it at first because it wasn't a recurring thing, but then his kids start to complain that you're boring and never let them leave the office. :/ you just don't want to risk them running off or getting lost if you take them outside. Besides, "babysitter" isn't in your job description and you're by no means a professional. You're not sure what Mr. Ashengrotto would do with you if you couldn't watch his kids for one workday. >_< the last thing you want is to get fired, so you sternly explain that they should just wait in here until their papa can come and see them.

His kids are ruthless. Of course they're absolute angels when Azul's around, but the moment it's you and them they're wanting to trash your office so you'll let them outside or they're interrogating you about how you know their dad and why he seems so close to you. It's so very exhausting, but you manage it because you have to. You're not a vindictive person, but it does annoy you each time his children bully you outright. One of them even criticized your lunch, saying, "Papa has a private chef and the meals he serves us are always gourmet. Your lunch looks yucky and poor!"

Great Seven, you are a hair's breadth away from going insane. They are so spoiled. You'd feel bad about calling them brats, but that's what they sound like when they complain and pout and throw tantrums. In a way, their bad attitude reminds you of your boss when he doesn't get his way in a business negotiation. He sulks and complains for all of a few hours before getting his head back in the game, sharper and more cutthroat than ever.

Azul offers to take you out for a fancy, five-star dinner as thanks for always looking after his kids. You agree to it right away because he said he'll be paying, but in the midst of your greed you fail to regulate just how much expensive champagne you drink. And by the end of the night, you're being brought back to Azul's penthouse because he doesn't trust you to be on your own when you're this intoxicated. One thing leads to another and the two of you are kissing in the hall. It doesn't go any further than that because a series of horrified gasps resound from down the hall and the both of you whirl to face his children, all of them wearing the most obvious expressions of betrayal.

"No way... Dad's kissing a commoner!" they exclaim in unison, eyes blown wide.

T_T he's going to have to teach his kids about manners. And they'll have to get used to seeing you more often because their papa is so whipped for you. <3

[jokenotfunny]

eddie x platonic! experiment! reader

random things in my 007!reader universe part 2:

part 1 :

aka, eddie x van 😼

eddie :

- 7 months after van (sev) left the munson trailer, eddie had been going to get a new tattoo and decided to get the number 7 on his left shoulder blade .

- when people asked him about it, he just told them that it was his lucky number

- one day, (pre-meeting again) when he was dealing to some of steve’s friends at a party, children of the grave started playing.

“it’s like i can’t escape!” steve groaned, loudly

“what’s wrong harrington, don’t enjoy good music?” eddie joked.

“haha, no.” he laughed sarcastically.

“it’s just my sister plays this song every damn day, and it’s honestly starting to get old.” steve glared.

“just sounds to me like your sister has good taste. later.” eddie pocketed the money and walked away.

- very protective once you two meet and become friends again

-you refuse to go to his trailer , with the fear that his uncle hates you, as much as he tells you he doesn’t

- the first time he came to your house, and saw your room (because you were insistent) he was appalled

- because omg is that a Jackson Pro Series Rhoads RR3 ! 😮

- and the kirk hammet poster threw him off too, but not as much as the kelly lebrock one 🫣

- “is that a signed queen poster?!”

“yes”

“how-“

“my dad met them once”

“ohhh”

- you constantly watching his band, which is where the crush on gareth started and eddie was not pleased

“who’s the one who plays the drums 🤭?”

“gareth. why?”

“…☺️…”

“absolutely not, you’re never coming here again, and i’m telling steve

“snitch 😐”

robin :

- you met robin when steve got the job at scoops ahoy.

- instantly hit it off honestly

- hence why you invited her to go to the weird science early premiere with you.

- consider her a big sister figure

- you both make fun of steve together

- just good times honestly

-when she found out about your powers she freaked out

“why did that russian guard’s suit just spontaneously catch on fire ???

“i’m a pyrokinetic 🧍🏾‍♀️”

“oh! okay that makes sense!”

- once her and steve started working at family video, she rented out firestarter for the 3 of you to watch

- cue robin constantly asking you questions as the movie plays while steve snores his life away on the other couch because he fell asleep 20 minutes into the movie

“can you do that??”

“yes, robin. i can.”

“wow. cool.”

and 10 minutes later

“so what’s she gonna do next???”

“i don’t know robin, i haven’t seen this movie”

“oh yeah….. well what would you do next???”

“robin?”

“yeah?”

“stop”

“okay”

lucas :

- you and lucas were honestly pretty close

- like with eleven, he didn’t quite trust you at first, but he got over it and you two became good friends

- well then again you and everyone in the group were close except for mike (my sev-mike beef agenda is prospering)

- you tried out for the girls basketball team, to keep him company, being that the boys and girls one were being held at the same time.

- you didn’t actually want to join the team, you just didn’t eanr lucas to feel bad for being the only one into sports. + you did badly on purpose, being that you were already on 3 other teams

- on the night of the championship game you were there to cheer him on, (also to be steve’s scapegoat for if he didn’t want to be on that date anymore)

- try to give him advice on how to get max back everytime she dumps him (you usually just give him some money to buy her stuff, because words aren’t gonna help at this point 😭)

erica -

- you became friends with erica through lucas actually

- she thought you and max were cooler than her brother and his other friends.

- before she knew you had powers though, she definitely thought something was up with you.

- once she did find out though, she definitely used it to her advantage.

“i need you to set (insert random girl at her school’s name) on fire.”

“why???”

“because i don’t like her?”

- you then proceeded to just give her the very same advice that hopper gave you in the events of season 2 🫤

mike :

- ahh mike

- he’s a pain in your ass

- and you in his

- he didn’t like that you were still there while eleven was “dead”

- hence leading to you two arguing all the time

- you’re friends and you care about each other but you two would rather die than admit that

- you set his stuff on fire sometimes just for the hell of it

- like the time you set his hellfire shirt on fire because he made you mad and you overheard eddie say that if he messed up another one he’d be banned for a week.

- aren’t you just the greatest 😽

“wheeler your a shit boyfriend to my sister, and an even shittier friend to will”

“how would you know, you’ve never even had a boyfriend!”

“so we’re just gonna skip past the last part i said?” 🧍🏾‍♀️

a/n : honestly sev and mike being friends but not liking each other is so funny to me. like i can imagine steve being the type of “parent” to say “okay now hug and make up!”

and if you refuse he’ll threaten to pull out the really huge “get along ™” shirt, and just stuff you both in it. (he’s done it before)

[jjkfire]

I really really enjoy reading your writing and I’ve just finished reading Sweet Saccharine, where did u get the idea to write a story like that? In all my reading years I’ve never come across something as great as this story is

omg wait this is one of the nicest things anyone has ever said to me!!! I’m actually sobbing 😭 I’m really glad you like the fic! and ahh your question! that’s like my favourite question ever haha.

regarding how I got the idea hahaha well get ready to dive into the depths of my chaotic mind!!!

so it all started with that sugar baby conference article I talked about in the first chapter. I saw it on my fb timeline and read it and was like that’s just so crazy cool. then I went through sugar baby threads online just to see what it was like to be one and a few of them were talking about platonic sugar relationships and I was like huh that’s really interesting! I had always wanted to write something in the sugar daddy au sort of realm so I thought it was a nice little way to go about it. (also i watched a short video about the guy who started the sugar daddy website seekingarrangement and i find it funny cos he’s singaporean ahhaha anyway that’s probably why the sugar baby conference article was on my timeline).

so next, the jungkook in the au needed a job lol. i thought about going the businessman or maybe a tech company route but truthfully I’ve always found the logistics industry very fascinating… i even used it in my other fic escape and so i was kinda apprehensive about using the concept again but i didn’t really get to delve into the logistics world in that fic so i wanted to do it in this one. i think the idea stems from that one time i watched a very cool documentary like I don’t know 5+ years ago on national geographic about perhaps the suez or panama canal so that’s where most of the logistics part of the fic stems from… plus I watched other documentaries after having started the fic just because i find it really cool hahaha. anyway, the transportation of drugs/other illegal materials and just a lot of smuggling in general happens at ports and etc. which i thought was quite fitting because that meant i could probably fit a gang aspect into the fic.

I had been itching to write something that’s like a gang au so this was the perfect chance. though sweet saccharine isn’t entirely a gang au fic but it plays a pretty big role. and so for the gangs I had watched a documentary about the cali cartel and Escobar… actually it all started from watching a Vox video about escobar’s hippos lol. also, my father had told me stories of when gangs were thriving in my city back in the old days. also, the topic of corruption within the government and how it goes both ways is always a fun one. so i wanted a piece of that in the fic too.

and about the whole social class system I had watched another video or documentary or maybe it was an article but it was about gentrification also anyway the whole urban/rural divide prevalent in a lot of countries has always fascinated me. then shortly afterwards I had to take a class on the divide of information between races and social classes. so yeah very timely hahaha. i just think the fact that discrimination still exists between different races and also urban/rural population is just really shitty so i wanted to feature a part of that in the fic.

anyway, this answer is probably a lot longer than you wanted it to be but haha that’s just how my mind jumps from one topic to another lol. and i know the fic at the moment seems to have so many random facts sprinkled all over the place but i swear it’ll all make sense in the end haha. not to toot my own horn but i think it’ll be really fun from chapter 4 onwards. it’ll all fall into place. from the event that occurred with jungkook’s father, to the whole insurance debacle at the hospital, to oc’s uncle and mum to jungkook’s grandfather’s past. like it’ll make sense soon ahhahaha. i’m very excited to tie it all together in the next few chapters and honestly it pains me that i don’t currently have the time to write as much as i want BUT i play the whole storyline in my head in my free time like a movie ahahhaha. anyway thanks for asking this question i love it when i get to talk about my thought process lol. again, you’re really so sweet and this ask seriously made my day!!! i hope you’re having a great day anon :3

also since you asked me my absolute fave question, here’s a little preview! (also if you guys made it this far into my answer you totally deserve a preview lmao) heavily, heavily unedited and it’ll probably look diff in the final draft but very important scene haha.

////

Years Ago

“Mr. Jeon! Mr. Jeon! Please, god, you haveto wake up!” The man begs from the front seat, looking at the CEO that’sslumped in the back. The car is now tilted precariously as water begins to seepin fast. He smashes down on the window buttons a few more times, as if it couldhave a different outcome if he tried one more time. There’s a whir and a click,but like all the times before, the window doesn’t move an inch.

He undoes his seatbelt to reach for MrJeon’s phone, climbing onto the centre console, pants soaked as the water nowcomes up to his knees. Like his very own phone, it showed that there was nosignal in the area. He shouldn’t call for help, he’s been instructed not to, buthe was also promised that he would be pulled out of the car within the firsttwo minutes yet, it’s been perhaps close to 8 minutes and they were nowhere insight. From the way the water was rising close to his chest now, he thinks he’llonly have 5 more minutes to figure something out. He quickly undoes his belt,using the metal piece to strike at the window, hitting at the corners whereit’s the weakest, but this is bulletproof glass and he knows his effort is futile,but he has to do something. He grumbles to himself, trying the windscreen butif anything, the glass is thicker there. He does everything he can think of,punching the glass, kicking it even with as much force as he can muster.

“Mr. Jeon!” The man shouts one more time,this time climbing into the backseat to shake him. Mr. Jeon doesn’t move, hischest rising and falling at a set rhythm, unaware of the precocious situationhe was in. The man sighs, sinking into the backseat as he gives Mr. Jeon onelast, weak shove, almost all of his energy now expended. He wondered ifanything would be different if he had managed to wake him up. Unless he was amiracle worker, probably not because see, the Triple Axes never left any roomfor mistakes. That meant that if this was what they had wanted from the start,then it’s what they will get. He should’ve known he was going to be ascapegoat. Why else would they assign a mission like this to him?

An area with absolutely no coverage, a carwith bulletproof windows, one meant to withstand force, no walkie talkie, noplan B. It was clear now that he wasn’t meant to get out of here alive, neitherwas Mr. Jeon. The man remains emotionless as the water reaches his chin. Helaughs, almost bitterly as he turns to look at Mr. Jeon.

“I’m sorry,” He manages to say. It’s notlike the logistics tycoon could hear him, but it didn’t matter. God, all hewanted was some extra cash so he could help you and your mother. Your fathermust have sniffed out his plan. Otherwise, this was too much of a coincidence.He only hopes your mother figures all of this out fast enough.

[winstonhcomedy]

“Dope A-F” - 4/25-4/30- “Host Battle Shuts It Down”

Let’s jump right in. I need to get caught up because I am a sassy man! So let���s start with a raucous time at Pro Re Nata!

4/25

I got to do Host Battle as an open mic for one last time before we shut it down. Chris and I are both moving and neither of us really want to do the show without the other. I get to Crozet and write for a while at Pro Re Nata. A few other comics eventually show up, and we get a good hang going. JR who usually runs the show talks about what the night was going to be like. We all order some food and wait for the audience to show up. It is a rainy night and it is going to be a light crowd. Which is ok. This show rules when it is packed, but it is at least entertaining no matter what.

We have a pretty fun list. There are some people who are veterans, and some newbies to Host Battle. JR goes up and gets us started by introducing the show, and we hop right into it. Right away we had an annoying lady in the front. Who asked how raunchy it was going to be, and then Chris let her know. It was going to be an insane show.

Up first was David McCallie. His set didn’t go great, but we got a few good lines. He seemed pissed that he went first, but someone had to switch and he was the one. Paige Campbell had a pretty good set with a few good lines. A dude ran in and a dog barked at him, and Paige said, “that dog hates pedophiles.” This got a pretty good laugh.

JR went up and just listed off the grossest things he had ever done. IT was one of the nastiest things I had ever heard. I almost vomited on stage. People were dry heaving and it was so much fun.

John Marg had a pretty good set and Heather Kilburn talked about hypothetically murdering her child so that was fun. Each set had at least a few good lines and the audience that was there seemed to enjoy it.

Sam Padgett had a wild story about a gay hypnotist that made me laugh harder than I had laughed in a really long time. We had a good running gag about Charles Bill being a serial killer, and Sean Wells had a good set (he is new but trying). We had some great riffs about him being a psychologist. He got me really good when I said I was getting anxiety, and he just started listing off the different types of anxiety. It got a big laugh.

We didn’t have a huge list, and everybody all did pretty well. It was one of my favorite nights of comedy in a while. It was tough and not everything was working. It was uncomfortable, but it was definitely funny. I’d give the show a C.

The next morning JR messaged Chris and I and said that Pro Re Nata had cancelled comedy effective immediately. They said this last show was too offensive (even though the people there definitely enjoyed it). They also said they hadn’t been getting consistent audience or returns. I feel like they needed a scapegoat and we were it. That’s ok it was a fun show and JR wasn’t upset. The last Host Battle open mic shutting down a room is a memory I will have forever.

4/26

The next night I was booked at Southern Eats in Norfolk. Jose Roman runs that show and he booked me to do 15 to 20. I had never been there before so I was super stoked to see how it was going to go.

I get to the show and the venue is like a restaurant/coffee/cigar bar. It has a dope vibe, and I am hopeful people are going to show up. Jose is there and we talk a bit. I then go and see/meet the other comics. Bobby Stephens, Mindy Ess, Ian Nightengale, and a couple other guys I don’t know at all are on the show. Everyone is nice to talk to, but we are all ready for the show to get started.

It is raining a lot. So much so that the Something In The Water music festival at the VB waterfront was cancelled for its first day. We sit around for like 30 minutes past showtime to get people in there and finally we get started .It is an ok sized crowd. Maybe 12 people, some are pretty wasted and loud. They aren’t being mean, but they are definitely disrupting the show.

Jose does a few minutes then brings up the first comic who does ok. Then the next dude goes up and has a few laughs, but the audience is being pretty rowdy. The dude after him is named Drew and he goes up and is a little edgier. You can tell all of these dudes are pretty new to comedy. Which is fine, but it means they haven’t done a lot of rooms like this so they might not be as prepared to handle it. He has a joke about where do you put your dick when having sex with a gay dude with a colostomy bag.

Michael Ridley then shows up. He is going to be going last. We talk a bit and then I get ready because I am up soon. The new dude Ian goes up and they are not into his shit at all. They just aren’t vibing and it’s tough to watch. I am not hopeful for my set, but I decide that I’m just going to have fun.

I go up and get right into it. I go into crowd work because it is this one lady’s birthday. I get some big laughs about where she met her wife (on craigslist). The drunkest chick (who also works there) sits down and already hates me. She is heckling and being rude. Apparently there was a military band festival going on. She told me I should be proud and I was like why should I be proud of the bands.

She then went off and got upset (I thought it was a festival of bands for military vets). I bust her balls and get some huge laughs and eventually win her over. I continue the crowd work shitting on her and riffing on the show for about 15 minutes before I close out with a few jokes. I got some huge pops and had the hottest set. Which felt good to go on the road and be able to put my rowdy room chops to the test. I’d give this set a B.

I went outside after this and ended up getting in a discussion with a comic outside the show. He talks about trying to trigger me and bring my Richmond out, and I bust his balls back asking about if “Richmond means successful”. He kind of came for me pretty hard to start. I think because there is a lot of weird comedy drama going on down there that I don’t participate in. It cools down a bit and ends up being fine, but it definitely was some weird tension there. Not a big deal, but I also felt like it was a weird flex the way it happened. It felt like the kind of thing he had been waiting to say to a comic from Richmond since the scene up here for the most part is PC and full of SJWs (which I am not at all), but I know my value and worth and I wasn’t going to just take it.

I went back in to watch a couple more sets and before I left I talked with this comic again about the way I operate business. Why I choose to associate who I associate with, and how I am not public about it nor do I drag anyones name through the mud. If there is someone I don’t mess with on a show I don't want to hurt my brand or reputation by being on that show. I’ll never ask anyone to get bumped off a show for me, but I just quietly explain why I can’t do the show and tell them to keep me in mind for next time. It was a good respectful conversation that didn’t involve any of the tension of the earlier one. We disagreed on certain things, but it ended up being a good conversation and I left feeling good about it and hope they did too.

After this I grabbed my stuff and headed out. I had got to say my peace, have a hot ass set, and it just reaffirmed how long I have come from when I started.

4/28

I had Saturday off so I didn’t get to perform until Sunday. I only got to do one set on Sunday, but I was very excited for it. I was going to be doing a spot at Tasty’s on Southside. I have done this mic once and it was fun but the PA sucked.

The host is a dude named Carsen Young and he had been complaining online that not a ton of comics had been coming out. I get there and I am the only comic there about 30 minutes before showtime. It is a nice crowd for an open mic. There is about 15 people there and it is pretty diverse. It is about half black and half white, but it is almost an entirely gay crowd which is dope. I had a joke about Gay Conversation Therapy I had been dying to do in front of a bunch of gay people to make sure it wasn’t offensive.

Carson and I shoot the shit and have a pretty fun conversation. He is a super nice guy, and I wish this mic was more often because I have enjoyed it both times. By the time the show starts the only comics there are myself, a new girl, and Remo.

The new girl goes up first and has an ok set. There is a table of gay black guys, and one in particular is a hell of a heckler. He isn’t being mean, but he is being sassy and has something funny to say after everything. She does well and people like her.

I go up next and do about ten minutes. I go right into the sassy dude and say he looks like Tiger Woods gay uncle. This makes all of his friend’s laugh and I really start giving it to him. They call him Tiger the rest of the night, and he is attentive. We joke around and they all love my material. I got a huge pop on Gay Conversion Therapy and I finally feel like that joke is about 90% done. It feels good. I’d give this set a solid B.

I get off stage and head home. I get some food from En Su Boca and watch the newest episode of Game of Thrones (even though I haven’t seen any of them). It was a huge battle and I enjoyed it. Then I passed out. I was ready for a hopefully fun week.

4/29

The next night I was at The Southern in Charlottesville. I had a few friends that were coming out and I was really dying to try some new material. I got to the show early and was in a really good mood. I got to joke around with the staff, and the gm. After a while a few of my friends showed up like Heather, Paige, and some others.

Colby Knight shows dup with a new girl named Harley. She was there to watch but I had overheard her mention to Colby she wanted to try it one day. So I took it upon myself to tell her she was performing that night. I signed her up and told her it was either perform or she could leave. She seemed nervous, but she agreed to do it.

Chris got there about an hour early and joined in on the hang. Padgett, Abdulla, Luzader, Keaton, Berthelsen, JR, McCallie, Marg, and some new faces. It was a fun and exciting hang. Kenn also showed up but something came up and he had to dip out early before performing.

The best part was Brett Leake was there. Brett is a great comic and a better person. He asked me about JFL and my writing process. We talked about this blog, and just all things comedy. He had so many encouraging words to say to me and we talked about 15 minutes. He is one of the nicest and most genuine humans I have ever met. He is a clean comic, and his observational stuff is simple and elegant. I won’t go too into detail about what we talked about, but needless to say it was a great time.

We have a nice little crowd and both of my friends came. Chris has the comic’s meeting and we decide to piggyback the show. I am up fifth. I am after JR, and before Harley.

The show starts and Chris goes up and does about 15 minutes trying to warm people up. They are into it, but it takes him a while. He does crowd work, but also tries some new jokes. He then brings up Brett and he has a good set. A few more comics go and then I get brought up.

I have a very productive set. I get some big laughs, and try a brand new joke that I riffed talking to Chris. I wasn’t going to do it on stage, but he told me to and it worked really well. I am excited about how it turned out. The rest of my set went well and I’d give it a B.  I then bring up Harley and she has a good first set. It is pretty neat to be the reason someone gets on stage for the first time. Being that push for a person is dope.

I hung around a bit longer and filmed a quick vid for IG. I’ve been doing this thing Called #IsComedyHappening? where I ask someone is comedy happening and then I film myself running to the show. It is dumb, but fun.

I stick around and watch Paige’s set, and he works his tail off. People have left by the time he is up but he powers through and does new material. I’m proud of him. It was all and all a solid set.

I grab why stuff and head home. I am exhausted and need a good nights rest for the next day at work!

4/30

This was going to be a chill night. As far as I knew there was only going to be the one mic at City Dogs in Shockoe Slip, and I had asked host Ben Braman if I could go super early.

I get to the show at 7:30 because. I got to see Nate Izquierdo and Rachel Murphy for a bit since they were hanging with Braman. The show didn’t start until nine and there was another mic 5 minutes away. So my buddy Bryan Williams and I ubered over there first.

We get there and it is like 7:45. There is a few comics there but absolutely no audience. It is all newer comics and I have super new stuff to work out so I am ok with it. The host of the show is the bartender and he is a super cool dude.

He asks who wants to start the show so I say I do and I go for it. I do about 10 minutes and get some solid laughs. My R. Kelly joke hit super hard, so I know that once I get the wording right this will be a really good joke. I do some more new and It goes super well. For this room I give it a solid B+ set. I then bring Bryan up and he tries some new stuff, and works out some of his old. He has a fine set as well. We dip out and I get the uber back to City Dogs.

We get there and Ryan Mather, and Jason Kusterer had showed up. Kate Carroll was also there, and then Stella Naulo popped in. We all talked comedy for a bit. Aaron Shoemaker came in after that. Stella, Bryan, and I talked about the value of comedy classes, or books. It was a good talk, and I definitely enjoyed it.

I went up first and it was a rougher set. People were not really paying attention during Braman’s set and they continued it during mine. I had to work really hard to get their attention,. Some of the jokes worked, and some didn’t. A couple hit really hard at the end and by the time I was done people were at least laughing and paying attention. It was productive and I’d give this set a B-

I got Kusterer to do the #IsComedyHappening? bit with me and it turned out amazing. I loved it so much! I ‘m going to keep doing it every night! After kusterer’s set I hung out with my friends a bit and headed out. As I was leaving Jarvis showed up and I said goodbye.  I met a homeless dude named Clinton and talked to him for about 15 minutes before finally getting in my car and getting out of there. I had a few shows the next night and I was ready for them.

So that’s it laydees! We are caught up again. I love comedy and I love this blog. I love you baybees so much! xoxoxo I have some fun shows coming up and can’t wait to write about them for you. Thanks for checking in and I’ll see y’all soon!

[bestfluteninja]

actual things my teachers have said, pt. 2

part 1 here

so, in honor of school about to start again, here’s my teacher quotes from second semester last year, my freshman year of high school. enjoy.

“Day one and you’re already undressing”

“I went to college for this”

“I’ve taught one person something today”

“He looks so loose and relaxed because he’s dead”

“There was this one pope who was a total prude”

“It’s called the Great Deflowering, and they just took all the penises off the statues”

“One student said, ‘do you think there’s this basket of stone penises in the Vatican?’”

“Oh, it’s like ‘pièce’ means ‘piece’ or something”

“Do you sleep in the salle à manger (dining room)? Only if you have a very sad life”

“I don’t know why I suddenly know your restroom schedule”

“I want to get up on a ladder and touch your hair. Still sounds weird”

“And then you have Columbus or Vasco de Gama’s little ship, which looks like it’s going to be eaten by the big ship”

“Let’s go metric, which we’re crazy for not using”

“When I pass on to whatever”

“You tempt my middle finger”

“Stop talking about my coworkers in a negative way. Or positive. Just stop.”

“I almost said a word I shouldn’t”

“Nachos aren’t happening without cheese”

“We are about to learn a new tense, which will shake the foundations of everything you know and love”

“Let’s make this nice and incriminating”

“Next year I’ll have to require students to get a tattoo of their password”

“Anybody else wanna criticize my decisions?”

“Hey. Hey! HEY!...have a good day”

“After announcements, I’m going to melt your faces off, so be ready”

“It’s magic time, kids”

“I have mad babysitting skills”

“You don’t go to all this effort if you have wheat just growing in your backyard”

“The Catholic Church was into destruction”

“You really don’t wanna write it down because then you’ll cry”

“Anyone wanna help me summon the dead?”

“My mother still tells me I should’ve been a lawyer”

“Rooms and stuff, oh yeah”

“That way, when he’s an old man, people can go ‘you’re old’ and he’ll be like ‘whaaa’“

“If you’re sitting there just tapping really hard, I don’t know what your aggression is”

“I wish I had autopilot”

“I won’t make you cry”

“There were some that considered that blasphemous. Heracy. Scientific heracy.”

“The access code is cookies18 because I’m surrounded by cookies and it’s 2018″

“Thumbs down is like ‘bro why’“

“Are you having fun in art class? Stop that”

“You all think you’re gang members now”

“Something French, woman! Get it together”

“We can be like Congress and have to have a talking stick”

“Here’s a dog with three stereotypes all at once”

“I am as serious as a heart attack”

“You don’t see many of those furry little creatures around here anymore. Except raccoons. They’re everywhere”

“It’s not politics if everyone agrees”

student: “I like your shoes” teacher: “thanks, they’re killing my feet”

“Focus less on witty comments”

“If we could just hang out, I’d, like, braid your hair”

“This guy with a stick, that can’t be good”

“Spent a little too much time in the harem, if you get my meaning”

“I really do try to find anything with singing and dancing camels”

“Another creepy clown, fantastic”

“Are those flower garlands, or are they chains?”

“Oh, how progressive, that you add Hindu women to your harem”

“Probably for the release death would bring”

“Easy with the f-bomb”

“I’m gonna go ahead and mark everyone absent just because I like to mess with the front office”

“That was a pretty good airplane”

“I got too deep in a book and forgot to make your test”

“This is for your cultural education” *shows Shia LaBoef*

“You don’t know why, but you know you hate them”

“This is a holdup, pow pow pow, give me all your money”

“Screaming is the same in every language”

“Satan scares me”

“I have nothing against turtlenecks, usually”

“420, blaze it. I shouldn’t have said that, it was inappropriate”

“If you don’t know basic computer skills, you’re just doomed”

“Attacked by many animals...I can just see him walking down the street going ‘oh god not again’“

“She’s preening you”

“We don’t do midterms in here cause they’re awful”

“I love praise”

“Everything is petit pois”

“Nobody can get through the French Revolution in a day and a half except me”

“Back when the History Channel had history”

“Everyone is like ‘oh I’m so nostalgic for the nineties’ and I’m like ‘burn it with fire’“

“Feel free to email me, I won’t respond”

“Don’t hurt each other”

“She looks like a jellyfish. No! That’s so cool! I love jellyfish!”

“I felt like lying on the floor and curling up in a ball”

“Laugh. Move on.”

“Your fort should be strong, to keep the Huns from invading”

“Why are you so smart right now?”

“I have all of her anxiety and none of her skill”

“Whatever will make my parents angriest”

“What’s happening, you animals?”

“Just fractions, nothing magical”

student: *drops ruler* teacher, deadpan: “why”

“Sooner or later that bell will ring and you’ll be like ‘yo what the heck’”

“Anytime there’s chanting, just be careful”

“There’s no mentions of prostitutes in the Jamaica letter”

“I like fire, so I might burn it”

“These are in your way just to distract you”

“Don’t build your expectations up too high”

“Oh, I had alcohol”

“I want to leave with both my kidneys, thanks”

“If you would take a town out of Alabama and put it here, that’s Fortville” (we live in Indiana)

“I’m gonna start dressing like a clown to get your guys’ attention”

“Everybody needs extra money in life”

“I don’t know if you guys know this, but an essential part of living is being able to breathe”

“I’m a popcorn-aholic”

“We’re gonna do an exercise in loving yourself real quick”

“I barely even go outside”

“It’ll be terrible. You’re gonna have nightmares”

“It is a vest with fake pockets and a cape attached”

“There are very few people who are not gifted in anything”

“Please let me retire”

“If the lottery plays out on Wednesday, I might be gone by Thursday”

“Then we burnish it with a wooden spoon because I’m too cheap to buy burnishers and a wooden spoon works”

“Be mindful of when you’re leaning up against cabinets. Or get shoved into them”

“I like to touch art. Not supposed to, but I like to”

“If you go to Canada, I need you to steal a stop sign”

“I always get excited but it’s always just you, being fantastic”

(a blade from our art project went missing) “I think there are three scenarios. One, someone dropped it and just refuses to acknowledge that they dropped something. Two, someone put it in their pocket to take it home and have..fun with it later. Three, someone.....ingested it”

“You don’t steal the blades during the demonstration. You steal them during class time, when nobody’s looking”

“God, it’s snowing again”

“Can you grow poppies? Yes. If you grow 10-20 acres, the authorities are probably gonna come talk to you”

“If you had the letters for that in scrabble, that’s the whole game right there”

“Oh, Gandhi, you’re name-dropping”

“Isn’t that dog staring into your soul?”

“I’m just impressed with anyone that can wear horizontal stripes”

“It won’t be fatal drowning”

“You can have the rest of the time to annoy each other”

“We’ll cover up the ‘attack teacher’ sign so you’re not scared of me anymore”

*chalk squeaks* “sorry, forgot to oil the chalk”

“I don’t wake up in the mornings and go ‘oh, themes’“

“I am not Harry Potter’s uncle”

“If I cared, I would’ve asked”

“That’s where the Bordeaux wine comes from. Not that you’d know that, right, kids?”

“They don’t care about your happiness”

“Kay cool do stuff”

“No, I will not allow that. You cannot just eat butter”

“If I were to buy a Japanese car and drive it into my mother’s driveway, that would probably be it. She’d go toward the light”

“Since that’s all so depressing, we’ll end with a taco dog”

“I am intellectually aware that there were days when the sun came out”

“I have to get paid for this”

“I just have under a thousand dollars in my bank account at all times”

“We are French two, we are a little better than second-grade writing level”

“If you have to ask me if it’s appropriate, it’s not”

“It’s plagiarism, 100%. Don’t even care”

“For God’s sake, people, indent your paragraphs”

“It’s Morgan Freeman and Matt Damion, what else do you need”

student: “banana” teacher: “good, jenna”

*sharp intake of breath*

“Join us on the dark side of Honors English”

*shows us stick figure* “look at this detail”

“Well, that’s just magical.” minute later: “never mind”

“I’ll try to come up with a Plan D”

“In India, they love cricket, whatever the heck cricket is”

“Before I buy Shrek 2 online”

“Next thing you throw, you’re gonna eat”

“Have I mentioned your guys’ grand prize? It’s absolutely nothing”

“Nowadays you just take a selfie. This is for you. Wink wink.”

“Hey guys, say bonjour to my mom”

“She says sit down and shut up”

“He’s my scapegoat, his mom said I could”

if you read all of these, i hope you were amused. i certainly was. all of these are completely real. if you feel like it, send me an ask with your favorites