#one might say i have big feelings and it hurts *looks shiftily both ways for anyone's ears perking up b4 ducking my head down+scurrying off*

[dxmedstudent]

This is important stuff.

1. How can you have a relationship if you can’t trust each other. Look, you’ll both be interacting with people of your preferred genders at work and socially, so trust and respecting each other is the only healthy way forward. This also goes for checking phones; who does that?! I've always seen it as similar to how you treat a very close friend or family member's phone. Sure, there should be no surprises there, and a partner with nothing to hide probably wouldn't be acting shiftily and navigating away from conversations. But then there are plenty of things on your phobe a partner doesn't need to see because they aren't your secrets. For example, I'd be up for someone glancing over my shoulder at funny bits from groupchats but my friends also share things I don't have to share with others; not with my closest confidants even.

If you feel the need to spy on a partner, that either says something about your insecurities or their behaviour, but it needs addressing because suspicion is not healthy. Also, no matter how trusting you were, your partner cheating is never your fault. Trusting a partner is healthy, loving and reasonable.

2. Partners work together to address problems in bed; this takes time and effort and respect and love. If there’s a difference in libido, the one who needs more should be able to take care of it without making thepr partner feel like they need to have sex they don't want. If there’s a big change, or nothing is happening at all, that may need discussion and help; maybe even medical help if there's a medical cause like depression.

Likewise, in the longterm, partners don’t have to stay in a relationship they feel is devoid of affection, intimacy or sex; it is OK for people to want to share those things with soneone they love, or feel their loss if they are no longer being shared.

Cheating is wrong, hassling your partner to sleep with you is wrong, but going your separate ways because you both have different needs and realised you can't meet each other's needs is not. 

3. People who love each other shouldn’t fight dirty. Insults are unnecessary and demeaning. Being verbally abusive in any way is wrong. Violence is unforgivable. If you’re both too mad in the heat of the moment, there’s nothing wrong with taking a break, then discussing it calmly later. Also, people really shouldn’t be arguing all the time. I’ve had friends put up with arguing pretty much constantly from day 1 and like... why? If you argue constantly then either you are very incompatible or one or both people aren’t listening to what is upsetting the other and keep repeating the same problems. And neither is good. If you can’t work through fights, you’re going to spend a lot of time miserable and having the same arguments over and over on a very regular basis. That's not a happy future.

4. There are ways to discuss what needs to improve, or what hurt your feelings respectfully; you don’t want to come across as accusatory or be rude yourself. There are certainly ways that aren’t conducive to having a good conversation; for example, insults, emotional blackmail, bringing up every single problem ever all at once, and many other things. But communication is important and if you can’t discuss what hurt you, it’ll probably keep happening.

And it’s reasonable to have a minimum standard for human behaviour. Your SO should be caring and reasonable and should want to do better, just like you should. You should not have to ‘accept’ that your partner just won’t bother to care about your feelings, and that’s how things are. That is not an innate characteristic of men or women; some people are just not nice.

5. People should pull their weight; housework is a shared chore. Sometimes people divvy up everything equally, sometimes they split things based on who likes doing what, or who works longer hours but it has to get done. Sometimes a partner might do more or less depending on who spends more time at work etc. But socialising men to never help out needs to stop. Both partners need time to relax; it shouldn't be the case that the 'less busy' psrtner is then tied into all evening chores forever because they are a SAHP or work part time etc.

6. I’m not even remotely married, but if you think married life is almost always awful, why would you stay there? In the long run that is not healthy.

Same with people who say ‘it’s normal for partners no not be attracted to each other after a while’... er, no. It’s not. Tell that to my 90 year old patients who I still catch holding hands with their sweethearts.  If you hate your partner, don’t like them as a person, don’t love them any more or aren’t attracted to them any more, then it’s probably not really working for either of you. That's not an inherent and inevitable part of all relationships.

7. Don’t marry anyone who thinks marital rape doesn’t exist. Rape is still rape if it happens within marriage, and someone pressuring anyone to have sex when they don’t want to is still rape, whatever the context. It may well feel even worse and more of a betrayal coming from someone a person knows and trusts, who they rely on to never hurt them. So it’s despicable that people excuse it. A partner is not property, and they didn't cease to have a right to their own body just because they signed a legal document saying they love someone.

8. We’re in the 21st century. Fathers should be expected to do their share of looking after their children.

Nobody is born knowing how to look after kids; women are not innately magically perfect at doing it, either.  Every single new parent can learn how to do it. It’s not fair for male partners to want kids but then expect their partner to take on most of the burden of having them.

Having children shouldn’t be like when you promised your mum you’d look after the cute puppy if you got it, only for her to do 90% of the work after the novelty wore off. You’re not a kid any more. Your wife or partner is not your mum. You too chose to have kids, and now they are here, you should take your sgare of the responsibility.

9. Actions have consequences; don’t excuse that based on gender. Boys aren’t inherently violent or rude or hypersexual, or inconsiderate. They aren't born assholes and they absolutely don't need to grow into them. Plenty of men out there are considerate, reasonable human beings, if imperfect ones, like the rest of us. If somene isn’t nice, it’s because they aren’t making the effort to, not because it’s an innate trait of their gender.

Heterosexual Nonsense Older Straight Women told me as “advice” and why it’s BS

1. If you don’t know exactly where your partner is at all times he will cheat on you and it will be your fault: Because why expect trust and commitment? This is bullshit and is telling you to settle

2. If you don’t agree to have sex whenever he wants to then he will cheat and it will be your fault: You don’t ever have to have sex if you don’t want to and if he cheats he’s an asshole who you should dump

3. Fighting is healthy and emotional manipulation is a legitimate tactic: that is fucked up. Disagreements, bad days, all of that is healthy but you talk it out. Don’t threaten to kill yourself or leave them until they give in because that is awful and cruel

4. You should never tell your partner the things they do or fail to do which cause you pain/resentment. Just accept they will never change and change your expectations because it’s too much to expect them to respect you or listen to you: OMG no. TALK TO YOUR PARTNER and if they refuse to listen or respect you then they are not a good person to be with. Resolving the situation usually means compromise and also talking about it before resentment builds up

5. Asking for help around the house from a man is unreasonable: just no. No it’s not.

6. Hating each other and resenting married life is normal and healthy: NO ITS NOT. Jesus it can be so good when you honestly love each other and like each other. Sometimes it’s hard and you both have to grow as people both together and separately but god damn it’s great

7. If he has sex with you when you don’t want to that’s fine. You’ll enjoy it eventually: NO. That’s rape. Rape is bad. Yes it’s rape even if you’re married.

8. Fathers can’t be expected to take care of the kids properly and you should either leave pre-cooked meals or expect your daughter to take care of the household when you’re away: FUCK THIS. Men are NOT children and can take care of their own damn kids and the household. 

9. Boys will be boys: They are 40 Janet. They can learn how to be adult men. Stop enabling them. 

TL:DR- Men are responsible for their own actions. Don’t enable them and don’t blame yourself for their bad behaviour and TALK TO THEM ABOUT PROBLEMS IN YOUR RELATIONSHIP. If they refuse to change they are the problem in your relationship. Not you. Don’t fall for the lies Straight Women.