#one day I Will acheive this I am sure

[eresia-catara]

sunny days are made to have a house in the countryside to share with friends and lead an epicurean life,

not. responsabilites within society

[someones-here-for-sure]

vent, Tw gore description/intrusive thoughts, suicidal thoughts, uhh tell me if I missed any other trigger warnings.

I want to curl up and cry. And lay and bed and rot. I want to tear my skin and rip my hair out. I want to pull my teeth and dismember myself.

But I can’t. I can’t. Because for some god-foresaken reason. People care. They shouldn’t. They REALLY, really shouldn’t. But here I am.

I’ve been good lately. No missing assignments(yet). Eating one to two meals a day, I don’t vent, at the very least I sugar coat everything,

I don’t want to bring them down. My problems are barely problems.

“Oh nooo my parents don’t want me to fail school? How difficult.” “Oh nooo- my parents don’t want me to cut myself? Fowl.” “Oh nooo you deliberately choose to not pay attention in class and now you’re confused for a test? How awful.” “Ohh nooo you blantantly disrespect and lie to you parents(when they are kind to you)? And they are upset about that? How horrible.”

my problems aren’t bad because they are all my fault. My mom doesn’t physically or psychologically abuse me. My parents don’t constantly pressure me to get straight A’s, they just want me to try. My parents didn’t put me in a mental hospital even though I was stable enough.

my parents let me break their rules, my parents buy me drinks and snacks from the Gas station, my parents treat me kindly. My parents make food for me everyday. My parents hug me goodnight every night. My parents make sure I don’t kill myself.

yet all I do is complain, I vent and cry and cut myself like a dumbass. I am stupid, idiotic and lazy even. Every single one of my problems I could fix myself. I could fix literally all of my problems. But I choose not to. Because? I don’t know. But I could. I could start trying not school, I could start doing my chores, I could turn down my bad thinking, I could stop my self-victimizing and realize I have it great- but I don’t. I don’t know why I don’t. But I don’t.

actually? Y’know what? I do know why. I hate myself, and everyone else should hate me too. And the worse I get, the closer I get to acheiving that, once everyone gives up on me, I can finally end my own life, and be better than this,

idk why I’m even venting now. This shit is meaningless in the grand scheme of things.

[productivityera]

New plan for productivity

The great thing about doing 100 days of productivity, or similar challenges is that you can go through them when you're done and find what worked/didn't work.

I've been super unmotivated lately - exams are coming up and I have a few life things I need to do. How about a productivity challenge 2.0?

Lasts year's challenge was crazy - I had so many commitments, so little time, and above all, I was stressed out sooo much. To say the least, it was an overcommitment. At the end of the day, how did I get through it?

Special Consideration !!

This was a lifesaver for me. On my last exam, I had to deal with so many things, plus our new house didn't have any wifi. We live in a regional area, meaning there were no 24/7 cafes and no libraries open to study. It also felt like a cop-out - which it shouldn't have. I was going through a crazy time - and studying for an exam wasn't exactly something that had to be done immediately.

So ... I am going to be doing a new productivity blog - but this time it's going to be on my terms. I will set realistic goals, I will make sure I have time for my social life, exercise and relaxation, and I will be concentrating on making healthy habits.

So, realistic goals mean that they follow the SMART format:

S - Specific (I have a clear goal) eg. I will complete questions 2-7 on a worksheet.

M- Measurable. (Time or goal oriented) eg. I will study for maths for one hour, I will finish one paragraph

A - Attainable (Goals I know I can acheive) eg. I cannot say "I will finish this essay in one day", instead. "I will dedicate 6 hours to this essay today"

R - Relevent (Relevence to my study) eg. highlighting text isn't exactly a great use of my time, given I don't even do readings

T - Time-based (Set a deadline) eg. By 5pm I will have completed a practice quiz

If I find that I a goal doesn't follow the SMART format, or the goal simply isn't doable in a set time frame, or that I will be studying for an exhorbenent amount of time to acheive my goals, I decide that I need help. This help may mean applying for special consideration on any assignments - it may mean asking members of my family to do certain household tasks if I dont have time to do them. It may also mean lowering my expections for myself.

A question I also ask myself is: "How do I stay motivated when I'm not stressed tf out?"

I am quite good at completing tasks that make me very stressed. When I have an assignment due, the only way I feel like I can study is by studying an hour beforehand or submitting an essay with a minute to spare.

It is week 9 of the semester right now - I have 3 weeks left of coursework, and plenty of time to start studying for my exams. So, time to start making a productivity blog and testing out certain methods and habits.

My health, including mental health is also important. So:

Exercise at least once a day. Even if this is 30 minute walk.

When studying, concentrate on eating nourishing foods. Fruit, nuts, not skipping meals, not snacking on junk foods if I feel peckish.

No coffee after 5pm. I know this time seems quite late, but due to my caffeine addiction, it'll get me a better night's sleep.

Plan out my day beforehand - if I don't have dog walks, plan out some other kind of exercise - how much I'm going to study etc. Block out my day using google calender - set tasks and complete them.

Plan social events with friends. Brunch's, shopping trips, study together's nights out etc. Something to look forward to.

Good luck on whatever productivity journey that you are on!

[disniq]

Season 1, Episode 4, “Doom Patrol”

The backdoor pilot to a show that is significantly better than this one

(No seriously, if you haven’t watched Doom Patrol you should. It has even more batshit comics energy than Titans and is significantly funnier, queerer, and with 200% more found family vibes.)

We start this episode with another traumatic flashback! Yay!

Congo, two years ago, and Garfield Logan is dying of some mystery disease in a field quarantine tent. The doctors decide it’s a lost cause and abandon the camp but, luckily for Gar, Chief of Unethical Experimentation himself, Dr Niles Caulder is sneaking around looking for victims people to save.

He injects Gar with mountain dew, which I’m sure is properly medically licenced.

In present day, Rachel runs into the woods and is promptly pursued by bear tiger. She’s awful chill about a tiger turning into a boy and pulling the ‘Come with me if you want to live’ line, but then again she did just blow up a convent with her evil mirror possession powers so. Sure.

Dick and Kori head back to said blown up convent, are told by the sister that “There’s no stopping it now”, and then argue about who’s fault it is for leaving Rachel unsupervised despite the fact that they both left her!

He's got the spirit!

Rach and Gar have a cute little bonding moment over being weirdos on their way to meet Gar’s crew of even weirder weirdos (affectionate)!

They take a minor detour to scare the shit out of some random hunters, because killing nuns is fine but killing a deer is a step too far. One of the hunters gets shot in the kerfuffle, the deer dies anyway, and Rachel gets weepy about it. Gar is a goddamn saint, so he comforts her and they continue on their journey.

Only, SURPRISE, the deer suddenly gets up again because Rachel’s powers can heal too!

Gar shows Rachel his nerd basement (I am high key jealous, negl). Rach isn’t as impressed as I am, but they bond over dead parents for long enough for us to slide into the character introduction portion of the episode!

Left to right, we have:

Cliff Steele, AKA the Robotman, a former racecar driver and piece of shit that “died” in a car accident. Dr Caulder “saved” him by transplanting his brain into a robot body. Larry Trainor, AKA Negative Man, a former air force pilot that flew into cloud of negative energy which gave him fully body radiation burns, hence the bandages. And Rita Farr, AKA Elastiwoman, who’s molecular structure is um. Gooey. Because of some toxic water.

Gar admits her brought Rachel over to see if Dr Caulder, AKA the Chief, can… “help her”, whatever that means, and they invite Rachel to stay for dinner.

Not much happens here that isn’t character intro for the Doom Patrol series, but I do like them. They’re sarcastic and damaged and actually care about one another in a way the Titans never manage to acheive.

Anyway, dinner is interrupted by Chief bringing home a new victim patient - a woman who was caught up in a liquid nitrogen explosion and is now blue and so cold she burns. Chief injects her with his magic apparently multi-purpose serum, but OH NO, it’s making things worse! The woman wakes up and panics, because she’s in a gothic Frankenstein type basement lab surrounded by strangers, and Rachel steps in to help ease the pain with her powers, because that’s apparently a thing she can do now.

At any rate, it works and the woman stabilises!

Chief finds time to give Gar some deep-seated self-worth issues by implying that Gar leaving the house puts everyone else at risk, and that anything less than total obedience makes him selfish and untrustworthy. Which I think explains a lot of Gar’s deferral to Dick later tbh.

Leave him alone, he is the one actually decent person in this show!

Meanwhile, Dick flashes his police badge to get information on the hunters from earlier and he and Kori track them down for a little light, uh. “Questioning”. The guy is a little uncooperative, but Dick goes full apeshit on the dude, punching him in the face and basically accusing him of raping and murdering Rachel.

Kori stops him, but only after noticing the hunter guy’s kid peeking around the door because beating a man for no reason and beating a man for no reason while his kid watches are fundamentally different things of course. Dick finally backs off, the guy reluctantly directs them to the old abandoned Caulder house, and Kori offers him some cash for his time and broken nose.

True heroes.

Kori at least calls Dick out on his simmering repressed violence.

There’s this fantastic hypocricy in how Dick continuously blames his issues on Bruce and talks about how he doesn't want Rachel (and later, Gar and Jason and the other "kids") to make the same mistakes he did in trusting the wrong person at the wrong time. But then he puts himself in that secretive mentor position, withholding information he doesn't think they can handle, demanding trust when it isn't deserved and going off to do everything solo.

Dick talks about breaking the cycle a lot without actually doing much to make it happen, and that theme is established pretty early on.

Anyway, back at the house Dr Caulder is gearing up for some more medical malpractice!

Are you sure?

He straps Rachel down under the guise of “running some tests”, and then decides he’s going to remove the source of her power even when she changes her mind. This goes about as well as you’d expect.

Gar tries to stop Chief and unstrap Rachel, because he’s a good boy. Dr Caulder shoots Gar with a tranq dart, because he’s very much not.

Naturally, this kicks off Rachel’s demonic powers again just in time for Dick and Kori to arrive!

After a brief, perfunctory confrontation with the Doom Patrol, Dick makes it down to the creepy lab basement in time to see Rachel opening some kind of portal.

One conversation with Kori, and Dick has changed his mind about his lone wolf stance! Rachel isn’t alone, he’s there for her now! And he’s not going anywhere! [lie]

At any rate, it works! The portal closes, her inky tornado thingy vanishes, and they hug it out. Aww.

The Doom Patrol see this as an opportunity to let Gar be an outside kitty, and send him off with this new group of misfits.

Unfortunately for Dr Caulder, his spine is already broken again and we leave him with one last shot of him looking mournfully out of a window from his wheelchair.

You brought this on yourself, dude.

[Titans rewatch]

[unnamedartist-portfolio]

DIY Sawdust brick kiln experiment : Take One

Okay so! As you may have noticed, I've fallen back into ceramics, and I am loving it! Last christmas, I made my dad a hand to hold one of his father's pipe out of clay, but I didn't have a kiln on hand, so it was raw clay, and I gave it to him with the promise one day, we'll try and make a kiln ourselves to cook it.

Well! Summer's back, and that day has finally come!!

After the smallest amount of proper research humanly possible, and armed with enthusiasm and total hubris, I settled on building a sawdust brick kiln, simply because it requires the least amount of skills and work, and is completely dismantlable. I stole all of my knowledge from this Potter Wheel tutorial (thank you so much!!), scouted the internet for reclaimed bricks unsuccessfully, grumpily settled on buying fancy new ones, and finally, we got to work.

The concept is really simple. Stack the bricks to assemble a chimney of sorts, stuff it with as much sawdust as you can, set the whole thing on fire. A pyromaniac's dream.

We placed all of our stuff at the bottom, on a layer of sawdust, filled the rest, lit it up, covered it once we were fairly sure the fire wouldn't die on us, and waited.

A whole bunch of grandkids were there too (you can see some little feet on the pictures) so we turned this into a cookout opportunity, because why not, and it was delicious

That being said, I am sorry to report the fire went out around 11:30PM, only about 8 hours after we started it, meaning we were 4 hours short on the amount of time we wanted it to last. We left the kiln to cool down over night as planned, but I was already fairly sure we did not achieve full cooking.

Here's what it looked like upon opening the next day (and I feel like an idiot because I got exited and moved some of the things before taking a picture, so their placement is not quite right, which could've been relevant... --')

We have:

two rimmed vase shaped vessels (that a friend of mine threw, I'm not there yet)

two small bowls

the most famous hand

and two hand built pouring bowls (with the handles) I made waay back that were bisqued but not glazed

So 5 raw clay pieces and two cooked ones. The idea was to see how different things would react, and see what I could learn from it.

First and foremost, I'm happy to report we had no breakage! Now, does that mean we managed to avoid any kind of thermal shock, or that we did not get enough heat to cause said thermal shock, I'm not entirely sure.

We definitively got some nice coloring on the bowls and vases, and the shine on the bottoms (that were trimmed and inadvertly polished in the process because the clay was a bit dry) makes me think we acheived at least /some/ cooking? They sound less dull when flicked, but we're still far from the bell like sound of thoroughly cooked clay.

The bigger vase got some nice petroleum shine that is also encouraging, but as you can see on that same third picture, and on the rim, it cooked completely unevenly, and all the light clay is still raw and dissolves and smudges when I rub it with a damp cloth. This is were I'm pissed at myself for messing with the placements of the pieces when I opened the lid, because the obvious explanation would be that the uncooked bit faced the walls of the kiln, but I can't be sure.

The hand, despite being in the middle of the kiln because I knew it would be the hardest to cook, is in fact, the least cooked one of the lot. I'm not at all surprised, modelling takes a lot more clay, and it is way thicker than the other raw pieces we put in. But the finger tips and edges give me hope that, with a little more time, we could cook it through!

The most successful piece is the smaller vase. It's still not ringing clear as fully cooked clay should, but it definitively got the most out of this firing, thanks to my friend's consistent and thin throwing.

As for the two pouring bowls, I forgot to take pictures, but most of the blackening and coloring washed off, and I can't say I'm surprised. They too have pretty thick walls, because hand coiling, and I really don't think we reached enough heat to cause the already cooked clay to react. Still, it was interesting to try!!

So all and all? I think we did pretty well for a first attempt!

The next obvious thing to try is to make the kiln bigger to allow for more combustible. Not sure when we'll be able to try again, probably not before september, but we'll get there!

In the meanwhile, I'm thinking of sacrificing one of these pieces to get a better idea of how much it did or did not cooked by leaving it to sit in water and see what (if anything) survives. Can't choose which one though. Help?

[justgoo0se]

GOOFY BIRTHDAY SHIT

guess who's birthday is coming up

MEEEE

So anyways, gonna talk about how strange they are

like, you celebrate going around in a circle around the sun, and how many times that has happened, usually ads one candle to your cake. But I find it. so strange that its so widely televised that every birthday is just another party. Wouldn't it get tiring of having birthday bashes every birthday??? I like eating cake. mostly. if it s not too sugary, but like come on man. Most of the times what one is going to do is just vibe, eat some cake, hang out with friends to celebrate you're one year closer to death

and also probably trying to ignore how most of your friends may or may not have already started doing drugs. I mean, I get only one life to live and shit but dude??? at least wait until you're on your death bed and have the most WILD FUCKING DEATH BASH OF ALL TIME

maybe thats jsut me tho. Either way, I'm going to maniacally giggle as I set up a birthday discord call and just spam people with quack quack quack and then leave eating some cake. Absolute baller, have you ever just wanted to some crazy ass shit reserved for a party?? Get free food?? Be born!! It's your greatest acheivement, and BOOM!!! when you make it one year- 52 weeks of your life and you're still at least breathing?? celebrate with a shit ton of sugar and staring up at your ceiling on your birthday and wonder how the fuck you're one year older and how did you make it this far

and be proud

Simply something as simple as a birthday should totally be celebrated! Who knows, maybe you've gone through tough shit. Maybe you're battling an addiction that could kill you. Maybe you've tried some things in the past to cut your time short. Maybe you're battling an illness, no matter the kind. Maybe there are days where you just.. don't know if you can go on. Either way, you don't have to celebrate. Don't have to eat cake or be social. It's your birthday. Be proud you made it 52 more weeks.

I know I am. This year has been absolutely BALLING. It's giving 'holy shit, am I just going to stay this way forever, will things be okay, will I ever recover, will I hold on for just a little longer'

Honestly, I've had days where I was just. ready to give up. Not make it so I can yell at the world that I don't give a SHIT and I am going to LIVE. I've had times and episodes where all thats on my mind is move, move. Make it. Breath. Don't give up. Reach out where you can. but in those times, what got me moving was focusing on moving one finger at a time. Stutter my breathing, try to hum. I don't have to yell physically at the world that whatever fucking walls you shove my way I'll break it down.

Because sometimes I'm not strong enough to move through those. Sometimes I have to climb them. Sometimes I just have to wait. To break one brick at a time. It may not be chaotic, violent, or fun, but on the other side there will always be more. More ways to cause chaos, to have fun. To live, move, breath.

Every day, hell, every week may not be your week. It may not be your month. You may be struggling to even drag yourself out of bed or even eat anything. You may not be able to sleep at night but pass out while waiting for a friend to respond to a message. You may want to draw, dance, laugh, sing, write, play, but you're unable to bring yourself to. But what matters is you made it another day. You may be bored as fuck waiting. Just sitting. Doing nothing but wait.

But before you can have patience with anything, you have to have patience with yourself. break shit down. Know that some things may not last. That some friendships are bound to fade. Some days are hell and back. That one day you may die to anything. but you also have to take into account the joy and happiness you have in the present. You have to cherish who you have now, even if you know, even if it nags you that you two may split ways. However you also have to take into account that one day, things will be okay. Sure, they won't be perfect, but it'd be breathable. It'd be just enough. and sometimes, just enough is enough. It doesn't hurt to strive for better, but it hurts to shame what you have now. It hurts to lose sight of the happiness and life you have now. Rushing into things isn't for everyone. But companionship and support go longer ways that slaving away at life so you can live a 'perfect' life. Sometimes people forget to be content with what they have and strive for better.

So, for anyone who also has a birthday coming up, or simply just need to hear it: Happy birthday motherfucker

enjoy your life while you can, you never know when your book ends, but it's better to enjoy it than wait for impending doom.

[edenspoem]

but on the day that it comes it just feels.. ordinary?? OH MY GOD YES. YES YES YES. THE WAY I HAVE BEEN HAVING THIS LATELY I FEEL AWEFUL ABOUT IT ESP BC MY MOM IS THE ONE WHO BUYS ME STUFF - like yk the guerlain lipstick? the one with the built in mirror? my mom recently got me it and like it wasn't what i expected it to be like don't get me wrong i LOVE it and i think it's iconic and i'm so grateful but like idk whats wrong with me now that i have it it's just a cool lipstick that i own and idk what's wrong with me bcs it's been on my pinterest mood board for a month and like yeah

orrr when i went jetskiing for the first time or whenever i travel like it just doesn't hit bcs in my mind i'd imagine these happenings being with friends and having fun with them and like not being alone with my dad

i fear this is because we're not being grateful enough for the things we have in our life aestra 😨 we have to start romanticising life more and being more grateful and shit otherwise we'll never be happy and satisfied in our lives :(

but like the dread i'm talking about is moreso about me thinking i'm stupid and a failiure bcs i tried my best last semester and it wasn't enough because near the end i gave up and that was stupid of me and yet the work i put in wasn't enough to save me in the end anyways

and ohhhh my god i felt dread when i walked past the girl who ghosted me 2 weeks ago and i still think about it and i keep on wishing i'll walk past her again bcs my outfits and my hair have been SLAYING these past 2 weeks ughhhhhh and i JUST KNOW the next time i see her is when i'll have given up or just not have been feeling myself and have decided to like just be casual comfy or wtv and if that happens i'm being so genuine i will tweak out so bad i'll do everything in my power to learn her whole scedule and MAKE SURE i bump into her while i'm looking my HOTTEST

i do kind of have this hunger inside to have acheived more than i can do and to be more than i am already and the work is just like ugh. why can't i go abracadabra. But having all this melodrama and inner turmoil kinda makes for some fire philosophy and poetry so.. hey, that's a bonus? there's moments where i'm grateful and then there's moments when i'm lonesome and nostalgic and then there's moments where i want MORE. like i need THIS NOW! I NEED THAT SEPTUM PIERCING NOW! (might be the one thing i'll stay excited for.. i've wanted one ever since i was like 10 or something) and yeah i agree, i always imagine doing fun things with friends but whenever i go out it's just with family so i become a shell and don't open up as much. Gah.

and omg girl i'm CERTAIN you're not a failure.. the system is fucked. every system is fucked. the mechanics of the world are FUCKED. DEEP AND HARD. you tried when and where you could and i'm proud of you for that :)!

i try to be cute but casual and comfy all the time with my outfits. save for the times i Don't and decide to go office siren to work and impress somebody (but they never care. smh.) but. bro. if she ghosted you she might not be it.. i would not let that slide. please none of your efforts go into vain if this girl is an asshole. YOU DON'T DESERVE THAT.

[dumbdog-willbite]

Venting

She's clearly been shit talking me to my brother. I wonder what narrative she is spreading? I feel so guilty that the people close to me are also being hurt by her and her actions. It's my responsibility to fix shit and I've hardly been able to do shit. I just keep messing up.

I don't feel like I deserve to be upset about this. I'm the one who made the stupid decision to trust her. I'm the one who allowed this to happen. I don't feel like I deserve comfort. I know a lot of that comes from the way she raised me, though. I was always the child to take the blame. No matter what it was. She ridiculed me for parenting my brothers, but also I was the one to look after them. I fed them, I helped take of the youngest. I checked in on them. I tried my best. And then she would turn around amd tell people horrible things about me. Like how I apparently "tried to kill my youngest brother".

She's claiming I abused my cats. For doing something nowhere near as bad as the medical neglect she put me through. We tried. I tried. I really did. I am trying. I'm still learning how to be an adult. I was thrown into this world and forced to learn so I could just keep myself afloat. I am trying. I don't ever feel that I am doing good enough. I'm afraid I will disappoint everyone around me just like I am such a huge disappointment to my family.

They used to say I would be something great. I'd get praised for being smart amd knowing how to take care of myself. I was supposed to be something better. And look at me now. I even failed the gender they assigned me at birth LOL. I struggle to get by day to day. I make stupid fucking decisions. I feel like I only bring others down.

I hate that a part of me still wants their approval. Of my family. I don't know if that will ever go away. I just. Want to be something worth being proud over? I guess she didn't help any. The medications I was forced to take made it hard to even stay awake for class. And instead of helping or trying to help me she would scream at me.

She had stopped hitting me when angry for a while and I'm not sure when it started again. Then I'm blamed for things I didn't even know happened. I'm forever going to be dealing with the consequences of her actions in my day to day life. I fear I will never be able to get to a state where I can function normally. I don't know if that's even an acheivable goal. I have nightmares of the shit she's put me through. And knowing that I have allowed someone so fucking horrible and evil to hurt and make things worse for the people I care about eats away at me. Why did I trust her? I don't know. I need to shower. I need to stop thinking.

[myhardtruths]

1. Sep 24, 2024

Now, I'm going to start by saying, I'm not good at talking about my feelings or really about anything deep so I guess I was Inspired by a distant friend to start this thing. I guess this will be where all my illiterate bullshit, all the thoughts I want to say but can't, all my feelings I want to hide and never find again will go.

Im not gonna lie im not too sure where to start. Right now I'm drowning in stress and realization, I have massive aspirations but no motivation. I feel like a walking zombie. I'm taking decent classes and doing well to start, but I know it's too good to be true... nothing I typically do works out for all that long. My friend thinks I can pull through but I don't know. With all my jobs, _______, and homework, and appointments I'm managing I don't know. I know that it seems like I'm weak and I canf do it and your probably right. It's times like this that I wish I could actually have a friend group to talk to its times like this i wish i were more then some outcast. But I digress. This makes me really think. If I don't live up to the aspirations and goals I told everyone (family, friends) I would live up to I would be nothing but a failure in everyone's eyes. But I got no motivation to do so. I see the big picture but feel powerless to acheive any of my goals, almost like it's meaningless I feel trapped in a void i cant escape. The sad part is i understand what i need to do to get my head in the game but my _____________ keeps pulling me away. I don't think theres much hope. But yet I know I have to find it somewhere to be determined, to succeed.

Today, one of my 'friends' did something very nice for me. They tried to help me with _______ his name is ______ I seriously can't belive it. In all my years of high school, of school in general. I cant think of a time that a peer did something like that for me... not for a birthday or obligation but what I think might be genuine kindness. I'm not sure.

I worked today... I work in ______ _____ I did my best and I feel like I accel at that but not because it's my job. But because it's the only sense of belonging I think I have. Random strangers that spend a couple minutes of their day talking to me. It makes me feel a sense of importance. Maybe that's why I still have that server, a sense of belonging that I am lacking, a sense of importance. Perhaps maybe that's one of the many things in this life that I'm longing for but don't yet dully understand.

Then there are the lies about me such as me being ________ which for the record is false, and weather people belive me or not... I don't really care. Because I've stopped caring, ever since ________ I've had to deal with people bullying me and putting me down. I've grown such a shell around me that I am unphased by the opinions of others though I'm still longing for their validation. So now I just project any issues that rise

Theres a lot more stuff I want to go on about like the people I fantasize about but I don't want to lose. That holds me from revealing certain parts about me.

in summary I think I'm losing myself and it's just the start. There's so much eating at me I need to vent about and I know there's no way I'm telling anyone about this or my feelings so this is the way to go.

Untill next time,

[spaceoperajay]

attempts to fix my shitty insomnia (its been better as of late)

-the good

--relaxing the body. i've acheived this through stretching & magnesium lotion (which i should start doing 30 min before a shower rather than right b4 bed as its rather oily) & edibles helps

--hold my teddy bear & have a pillow behind me to simulate having another person there when im not with my partner. lol. so much of my life is just trying to hack myself into being normal

--stop playing catchup ie "oh i got 4 hrs of sleep so i got into work late & so i stayed late to makeup and now i have less precious freetime i need to stay up late again-" no. thats stupid not falling down that well again.

--eye drops. so my cornea scratch that has not fully healed in Two Fucking Years will open up during REM sleep like enough to irritating & wake me but not enough to open & debilitate me (but i think this happening does bring me closer to open & debilitate me). i think i underestimated how much this affected me

--im generally being more conscientious of things that over-stimulate me before bed & i get over-stimulated very easily

--theres some horror audiodrama anthologies that have been helping me sleep. sounds weird (which is why im not gonna go around "oh yeah your horror stories help me sleep!", people are going to take it as an insult) but M is the similar & once said it was explained to them as having the mind engaged & given something else to worry over. in middle school to help my insomnia my therapist had my mother take away my stephen king novels i'd read before bed- which made it worse lmao

-the maybe

--the edibles help relax me but yeah i can feel how it fucks up sleep. but when i do remember my dreams i find i feel really well-rested?

--i take benavryl but im pretty sure ur not supposed to do this bivnfkjljovgjo

--got a new b12 supplement? could just be coincidental timing. like im a shitty vegan & i stop & get egg sandwiches at dunkin in the morning too often to be truly deficient.

-the potential

--have a doc appt w/ a general practitioner who recc'd i get a sleep aide so . when i made one they were like "yeah you got a blood test but never got a follow up so we need to re-do the test" vht9rjvoirj so its a bit delayed but i am gonna see her in two weeks.

--i need to get some physical books to read to limit screentime b4 bed. i want to read tlt but more than that theres some web serials i want to read. i could print them out???

--drawing should be relaxing & hopefully i will finish setting up my desk tonight. how do i not have a desk yet WFH? well i started WFH right after my accident & wasnt exactly able to set it up.

the bad

--i am not that conscientious of keeping myself away from over-stimulation

--most people seem to sleep poorly once then be able to sleep a lot the next day. me? if my body hear's that i'm only getting 2 hrs of sleep its like hell yeah!!!! 2 hrs of sleep for the whole week!!!!

--the evil glowing light has (most of) my gay lil friends

[fumikomiyasaki]

hope this ask goes through!

💝 with any of our ships!

A Valentines kiss

on the neck

With a firm step the priestess walked past many of the Valentines couples with a judging look... how can they just openly show off so much? This should be reserved for closed doors only... she scoffed at this whole display of affection and marched towards her usual place where she spoke her prayers and kneeled down... however as she finished and got up she felt some hands on her shoulders.

"Hello, Darling~"

Alice looked down at her with this usual amused look as Elvira blushed... she had one weakspot for sure where she could let it slip that she herself was going against her rules... she often grew weak for the Vampiress... but moreso she noticed her showing a light pout.

"Do you have to always wear turtleneck, sweety? I would love to eye your pretty little neck."

"Its to stay dilligent to my duties. I would never show too much."

To her surprise Alice picked her up in her arms and stroked a bit over her neck revealing a spot.

"But today being Valentines I would know a good gift you could make me, my dear?"

"My blood... well... its a small offering for my personal object of devotion... as you wish, my beloved."

The priestess tilted her head feeling Alice sink her teeth into her flesh... holding onto her shoulders a little to brace for the slight pain of it all... but feeling her lick off the blood and stay kissing the spot a little made her feel warm inside... something she couldn't get by prayers and her duties alone... as the Vampiress drank their last she carried Elvira with her on one of the benches of this place and sat down with her.

"Maybe well you can hide my mark on you now but... I do want to claim you more this day, do you have the time for me?"

"Of course... my prayers are done... I am all yours for today...I swear to god on it."

"Good one~ Then lets go out together for now, my dearest."

Even if she judged the other couples she was also a hypocrit... her own happiness was enough to forget her own rules as she held the Vampiress hands firmly.

__________________

on the back of the hand

Even if Amore wings day put him under stress, He eventually sneaked out to meet up with Astrid in heartslabyuls rose gardens... bringing her a whole box with treats, a small drawing notebook and two dolls that looked like her and her sister.

"Emil, I can't thank you enough for this. I will cherish these! I can't wait to show them to Isfrid."

He looked away with a light blush.

"It was the least I can do for... keeping me sane in a way..."

"Emil... alright its settled... in return lets do something fun together so we get you distracted from stress and such thoughts... I want to see a smile on you today."

"You know thats hard to acheive right."

"I can at least try."

With a smile at him she offered her hand and spinned him into a small dance... she noticed his thoughts where still distracted so she told him some stories to keep his attention but eventually He broke away and took her hand...

"I am still... glad you want to stay close to me... despite knowing what I am capable off... thank you."

He placed a kiss on the back of her hand as she blushed slightly.

"You really are a sweetheart Emil."

A small smile escaped him which she quickly pointed out as he tried to hide his red face again... he really did love the times she got him out of his school... it was like a soft spring breeze giving him that hope of a better life... and he would do anything to keep her that happy.

[song-of-the-rune]

Things I actually kinda like about my campaign setting:

It's this weird anachronistic sort of modernized. It's not a modern setting, at its face it's this medieval fantasy setting, but the lack of most modern things is because... we already solved that with magic. Cars? Just teleport. The internet? Teleport your letters. Computers? There's a spell for that kind of math, but what did you need math this involved for anyway? Surveillance state? Yeah we have scrying crystals everywhere what're you gonna do about it. Tech in the mundane sense tends to crop up either out of interest for the hypothetical or where there's a need to avoid magic traceability or counteractability. Mechanically this also means I can just drop in whatever's convenient while leaving out what's inconvenient. Want to record sound into crystals? Sure! You want to give Rikky a car? Absolutely the fuck not.

"Mythic fantasy" levels of magic are very fun. The gods are involved in just about everything, although they'll never admit it for political reasons. Players can be badasses without being overpowered because that librarian is the chosen one of the god of libraries and he's about to punt your ass into the sun for talking too loudly. You can meet god if you like, she's right over here, just be polite.

Thing I'd like to improve, but am happy with the idea behind: something about the Academy just doesn't click for players. The point is that it offers limitless power but at the end of the day it 1) fails to oversee who receives this power and what it's used for, 2) is using this promise as a lure to trap people in its system and fuel its monopoly on magic items and services in its region, and 3) ultimately fails to deliver on that promise, as the only students who acheive those heights had it in them the whole time or were involved in some sort of corruption/scandal. I don't know what about it falls flat, but players keep going back thinking it will somehow be different, like it was a fluke each time. Maybe that's something that just has to happen? I mean they are literally falling for the in-world trap I just think it's not clear on a meta level that that's what's happening.

[ahordeofwasps]

My Week

Tried cow's tongue for the first time! It was tasty!

Went on a trip to a facility where, during my last visit, I accidentally melted some Kapton. Did not melt anything this time, but learned how to use a glove box. It was full of argon!

During the one week I was away, the CO detector at home decided to go faulty. Then the boiler broke. Poor flatmate had to deal with it all. I was expecting things to go wrong while I was heating rocks to high temperatures and sticking my hands into boxes full of argon, but instead the disaster was at home, with mundane things like making sure the air was breathable and heating water to normal temperatures.

Spent half of said trip in a hotel whose complimentary wifi was capped at 1 Mbps. For £5 a day, you could upgrade your wifi to... *drumroll noise* ...a whole 4-8 Mbps! I already wasn't going to pay the £5 per day out of principle, but the actual "speed boost" is definitely not worth the extra £5.

Found a traditional english pub that served texmex food, which is unusual because texmex is practically nonexistent in the UK, let alone at an english pub. It's best texmex I've had in the UK, though that's passing a low bar (pun intended). Beer was also absurdly tasty, which was even better.

Letting agency attempted to charge flatmate and I for the gas guy checking on the boiler because the landlord didn't want to pay for it. Again, poor flatmate got the brunt of it. Flatmate said no and requested they communicate about this via email. I have yet to receive an email about this and am cautiously optimistic about this silence.

Had the worst fish and chips ever. In the UK, no less. I don't know how you give fish the consistency of cardboard, but the hotel restaurant somehow acheived this.

Accidentally dropped my backpack with my poor laptop in it while struggling with a badly designed purse hook. Warped the outercasing, but its insides seem to working perfectly fine. Spent a good 20 minutes fussing over it in a random cafe in a panic, but everything turned out alright. This is the second time I've had a laptop survive blunt force trauma with only exterior damage (my last laptop got caught in a door. It lost one of its screen hinges, but lived a full life. It's retired now, but still functional).

Ate at a rock & roll themed cafe (same day as when I dropped my laptop, different cafe), which had a superb atmosphere. Good music and good decor, though oddly enough some of this decor involved putting signed records in the washroom of all places. They had really tasty sausage rolls!

On my way home, the train station I was changing trains at only had a Starbucks for coffee options. Decided to try a pumpkin spice latte for the first time. Honestly, kind of disappointing. Way too sweet with not enough spice.

[boomboompsh]

I did a similar study to sprinklecipher and acheived some different results. sprinklecipher limited the number of results by filtering recent videos. since recent videos necessarily will be biased towards lower views, the incidence of one-view videos was severely undercounted.

Method (short version):

I searched youtube videos using random strings of alphanumeric characters, giving me hits on videos that have those strings in their video ids, which are assigned randomly,so there shouldn't be any relevant bias once videos that hit on different parts of the metadata were filtered out.

Results:

TL;DR: zero is slightly more common ~52-59% (95% CI) compared to one view.

Here are the counts from the bottom end of the histogram of youtube views I generated. 2 was a surprisingly strong contender. the data was generated from a total sample size of 6142 videos

From the differences between this data and sprinklecipher's, it appears the "watching the video to make sure it uploaded correctly" is not responsible for most 1-view videos. It would appear that in the sample sprinklecipher took, people had just trusted youtube to work, and only later would those videos ever receive a view. I might make a followup post where I go into detail about the code I wrote to take this data and potentially other interesting things about this mostly unbiased sample of youtube videos I have taken. Dealing with the youtube data api was kinda frustrating and I want to vent about that.

Here is a link to the spreadsheet where I did all the data processing:

(I made this post late at night and did not realize file.io deletes uploads after they are downloaded once. This link will last thirty days.)

There are nine video id rows that are blank. Those are from a few videos I manually recorded the view counts of my first day. I did bias the results slightly by taking a new sample every day and only publishing once my results became significant. I am not worrying about this too much for a fun problem, but it is an important bias to worry about in other applications.

@sprinklecipher here is my data, I didn't want to publish when I initially responded to your blog post because I had an n of 9. literally the only useful conclusion I could reach back then was that the ratio wasn't 197:1.

[midnight-cosmonaut]

chaotic academia things that don't promote unhealthy habits

or,, things I do on a regular basis

• knowing all about different types of coffee; undertones and flavors, light and dark, how to brew them to achieve the perfect taste

• listening to music more often than not, knowing specific songs for specific moments that make you feel like you're in a great movie scene

• binging tv shows and movie series on your days off

• getting up and writing when you get that one scene in your head for your work in progress and knowing you'll forget it if you just go to bed; answering that call

• CONSUMING 5 BOOKS A WEEK LIKE A KID AGAIN

• reading all literature; good, bad, controversial, light, dark, not your genre, your favorite childhood book, etc.,,,

• gifted kid burnout....

• you either are illiterate or read moby dick in sixth grade as a joke and unironically enjoyed it

• venting on a suspiciously specific and niche discord at 4:00 am

• putting on your fanciest clothes at night when no one is awake and playing Tchaikovsky and dancing with simple ballet moves that you learned off youtube because you can't really do ballet but it's a dream of yours

• playing meme songs on a classical instrument

• you're probably on twitter idk

• mismatched socks, or those weird yoda socks your mom got you for christmas

• going on bike rides around your neighborhood when it's quiet

• getting your sweaters off of ebay

• laying in the first snow of the year, making snow angels

• planning your own murder, planning other people's murders, planning your lego murders or your sim murders or your stuffed animal murders, planning all the murders

• having a stuffed animal :)

• naming all the inanimate objects in your room, bonus points if they're literary references to your favorite books

• being really proud of that one essay you wrote in middle school that you got an A on and your teacher asked to use as an example and really you haven't written anything that good since; maybe it was your magnum opus

• hyperfixiating on any little thing. neutral, could be good or bad, borderline an obsession

• searching up corsets even though you're never going to buy one (just me? okay)

• learning the scientific names of birds

• making an impulsive buy and never using the item even though you thought you would

• reading all the books one author has written. multiple times over. an acheivement in itself

• making a fort and watching your comfort movie in it

• candles

• pirates

• starting to decorate your room purely based off of one aesthetic, realizing it's not for you, then adapting that aesthetic and making your room your own. books lined up against walls, a hello kitty plushy in the corner, a pink floyd poster on the wall, 3 pairs of vans in your closet, every single book published by wheelock's latin, it might not be dark academic but you sure call it that

• notes!! in!!! books!!!!!

• pressing flowers in your dictionary, forgetting about them, opening it up four months later and being pleasently surprised

• not smoking at all unless you know the risks idk

• naming your dog after oscar wilde but no one in your family knows (ah, also me)

• being able to stand at your bookshelf for hours and explain what each book means to you, because they all mean something, but you haven't found someone yet who will listen, so you stand alone and voice your thoughts to an empty room

• forgetting to water your plants

• rearranging your bookshelf every week

• using your academy access to articles to fuel your latest random obsession

• don't lie, you've only read one shakespeare play but you talk about him like he's your favorite author in the world and maybe he is and that's okay (er... also me)

• finding that one author that's a little bit unheard of or forgotten and them becoming your favorite author and you don't know who to share your excitement with

allowing yourself more freedom than a traditional aesthetic permits. making it your own personal version, romanticizing your life and striving for more. accepting the messy parts of you and trying to change the darkness

[randomkposts]

So watching Raidou Kuzunoha vs the soulless army, and keeping in mind that P2 showed that Persona shares a world with devil summoners, as well as SMT that avoided the nukes, and thinking, wouldn't it be facinating if Post game detectives ended up learning about and being a go to for investigating Deamon activity?

Like, I'm not sure about a Persona users active ammount of magnite, but I would imagine they have a good amount, espically the older users. Enough to summon.

Not sure if modern day Devil summoners can use their powers to do things like "get people fired up to talk", but I know that the older Personas resonate with eachother, and do have an impact on social factors, so I would imagine it could be so.

There are implied to be a fair amount of Devil Summoners in soul hackers 1, but I imagine that there are some in law enforcement in the know, and when people come in with a devil sounding problem, it gets written down and sent to someone in the know enough to pick which detective takes up the case. Or maybe just "Uggh, Sir, thats the kind of problem you go to this detective for."

Cause like, I imagine most forces are not in the know, but its important to have someone in the ranks in the know about devils, at least enough to put a Detective Summoner on the case.

And I imagine Shido's orders of assassinations of important officials in Tokoyo on his quest for prime minister, screwed up so much.

I also think the dark hour would have been a hell of a hit, and while summoners fought shadows, it still would have been a hell of a lucky shot to find out its coming from some port town high school. Especially if its hitting the world in scale. Of course, we don't know the actual range of the Dark Hour on the world, but I would imagine it hits more then just Japan, and so somewhere in the world, some kid not in the loop, sits in the dark hour that happens in the middle of the day, and uses it to finish their homework. They have learned from experience that electronics don't work, eating is not worth it, and to go out anywhere would mean walking. So they study, kill the occasional shadow using tactics and school equipment, and take naps, and are kind if dissapointed when it stops being a thing after ten years of it. Seista hour just got canceled. Other parts of the world, summoners just have a daily shadow fighting booked from 3pm to 3pm, and "no, I don't know why that happens, it just happens."

So to recover from that and then get hit by something sus, but we can't quite find out what (mementos and its god have some godly parameters bullshit going on for them)

So the summoners when they do find somebody in the know, somebody who is a detective, somebody who needs to disappear, somebody who is an orphan. And they have a new potential Raidou for the Kuzunoha clan. Goro Akechi.

Who knows he can't make it up to the victims he created, but perhaps he can use his talents to prevent new ones. Beacuse say what you will about him, he does have detective talents, fighting talents, and a decent amount of stealth to probably hack it as a devil summoner. And enough time spent in mementos that fighting supernatural beings is a bigger part of his lifestyle then it isn't. I don't think that he thinks redemption is something he can acheive, but I do think between a talking partner animal companion, and taking on cases where he is genuinely doing something better for someone in the world, would put him in a headspace where he is making healthier life choices. Could deffinatly make an intresting post game, and alternative to joining up with Shadow operatives (which is also cool to see)

Naoto would be cool too, can deffinatly see Detective Shirogane travling the world and solving supernatural cases.

I'll probably have more ideas as I learn more about the series, theres still a lot of movies to go, but am looking forward to it.