#one blogger cannot boop them all

[absolutebl]

OKay, I'm done with BL Boopocalypse.

[rttnpnkpmpkn]

💗🌷🌼 ✨This is the you are amazing award. Send it to ten bloggers you think are wonderful or just take a moment to bask in your own awesomeness! ✨ 🌼🌷💗

Aww thank you! Sorry that this ask took so long, mostly because I had to really sit down and meditate on how I want to answer this, especially when it comes to naming the wonderful people who helped made my online experience worth staying for ^^ I can't really pinpoint just a few people because it's pretty unfair to the others who come and go my way and had a part in my character development lolol.

I want to thank my online friends who we've made it through thick and thin whenever something catches on fire. (Y'all know who you are 💖). I had serious anxiety and trust issues, and I still continue working on it but my friends helped provide the breakthrough I needed to get to where I am today. They're my pillar whether they realized it or not and I hope I don't do them much disservice in the future *sweat*. Thank you for all the laughs and everything you do! I know my interactions come off as lukewarm (I'm very introverted, so my battery is busted as hell) compared to how you chat with others, but it's been an enjoyable experience from my POV regardless. Y'all get a huge boop from me!

I'm also sorry that it didn't work out with those in which we left on unamicable terms, they do also have a part in building more to my worldview and life lessons learned after all this. Life is short to hold grudges and stress, so I will wish that they too meet their peace along the way, even in separate rooms. I also have my moments where my handling and problem-solving skills need work, and I can only move forward and improve on the next with my communication skills. I really can't blame others for having a negative view on me because I know I could've handled things better. The answer just had to come later after that point 😓. Take care and may time be kinder to y'all.

I very much want to thank you and every random peep who took their time to comment and like my works! I cannot reply tp all of them because sometimes my energy be too drained to catch up with them all but it really makes me smile reading them! I'm taking notes from y'all~ xD

There are a whole lot of reasons but I'm making stuff to have something to look forward to. So many disappointments in life and circumstances beyond control, I was thinking," it doesn't matter if it's gonna be lost to time, if nobody is making this SHIZZ happen NOW, I'll do it myself!! (though that's too overconfident of myself since I lack the skills to do it justice lol) ." So even if it's been a waste of time in hindsight, it won't feel that way *during* it lol. I didn't realize then it would have resonate and be enjoyed by fellows on the same boat. Even if the campfire is small, the quality of company is better than the quantity. Though the only benefits to offer are inside jokes if you've been there heheh...

TLDR: It's been quite a journey to get to where I am. I have many people to thank for helping me learn, and thanks for being what I want to see in a community. Be well and have a nice one! 🥰🙏

[terrible-tentacle-theatre]

The Bestiary Revamped: Vampire Squid (HALLOWEEN SPECIAL)

Disclaimer: While this article is founded in scientific fact, it contains hyberbole and conscious exaggerations for the sake of comedy. Do not take my ramblings at face value. You can find the sources at the end of the article and tools for scientific fact-checking under the “Learn more” link on my blog.

The old article can be read here.

(I intended to post this yesterday but stuff came up. Anyway.)

Ahem.

Cue the spooky music.

*threatening organ music plays at unbearable volumes*

That’s right, dear readers, the Spooky Gourd Day has finally, finally come, and with it the nigh-endless Halloween shitposting that permeates this website every October like the smell of pumpkin pie did my house just a few hours ago, immediately before I ate most of it. (I still have like half of it left, but it’s cold now so it doesn’t have that mouthwatering smell unless I reheat it. And I was too busy watching old Betty Boop Halloween cartoons to reheat it. Anyway, I’m getting off track.)

Frankly, the obsession of internet culture with this innocuous holiday has always fascinated me. What it is about a day when you get to dress up all funky-like, go from house to house acting like an idiot, horf down all the candy you can get away with and watch scary movies all night that is so attractive to them youngsters? I simply cannot wrap my head around it.

However, it is a day of great significance to this blog, since this is the day when we celebrate the utter freakiest of the freakiest that can be pulled up from the stygian waves of the planet’s oceans. This is the third Halloween of the Terrible Tentacle Theatre, and for this notable occasion, I have decided to give one of my earliest poster children a much-needed revisit.

Back in the early days of the blog, when it was still called Hectocotylus and my content mainly consisted of spicing up Wikipedia and Cracked articles with swearing for the sick enjoyment of some 30 followers, the article in question was my first big hit among the people of the Digital Blue Hills of Hell. In the days when most of my articles didn’t go above 20 notes, this beast gathered up 300 notes by using its nebulous tendrils to reach into the deepest corners of the ole ‘web. Not only was this creature my first big hit in my career as a marine biology blogger with tone moderation issues, it would also fit in great as the main monster in a theoretical Universal Horror/Syfy teamup, which would be the Halloweeniest shit ever.

Ladies, gentlemen and other fellows, the vampire squid.

Before you even see this thing in full detail you can already gather that I didn’t choose it for this year’s Halloween special for nothing. Everything from the ghoulish dark red color scheme to the bat-like webbing between eldritch tentacles screams “cheesy Hammer Horror movies written by good ol’ Howard Philips”. And it will become even more evident when you see it in its full, glowy, betentacled glory.

This is how it looks like when you stare down a squishy, floppy incarnation of doom. This thing looked so freaky that the dude who discovered it, a certain German biologist called Karl Chun, decided to name it Vampyroteuthis infernalis. That’s Latin for “vampire squid from Hell”. Yep, that’s right. Remember the part where science is hard fact unaffected by emotion? Well you can throw that right out the window, because this fucker freaked its discoverer out so hard that he named it the vampire squid from Hell.

“The shit I’ve seen, kiddo. You wouldn’t believe.”

Even descriptions of this guy sound like they escaped straight from a 19th century gothic horror novel. For example, in 1925 the Arcturus expedition caught one near the Galapagos Islands and described it as “a very small but very terrible octopus, black as night, with ivory white jaws and blood-red eyes.” Even in the years of the Roaring Twenties, merely seeing the vampire squid was enough to bring out anyone’s inner Poe or Bram Stoker, apparently, which isn’t very surprising considering that it looks like Béla Lugosi had an illicit affair with one of the Star-Spawn of Cthulhu.

You’re welcome for that mental image.

While calling it a vampire is more than appropriate, the names “squid” or “octopus” are much less fitting. While intially appearing to be something of an octopus, it’s actually not one of them; and it isn’t a squid either, which left the confused scientists to place it within its own little private taxon, the order Vampyromorphida. If you know a little bit of Latin, that means “vampire-shaped”, which would imply that this is the general shape for vampires. So next time you read Twilight, imagine Edward as a vampire squid flopping around on the ground the entire time and I guarantee you’ll have a blast reading through several hundred pages of sweaty bloodsucker romance.

Unlike Edward however, the vampire squid doesn’t actually feed on blood. Dashing from shadow to shadow in the cover of a snappy opera cape and hunting for innocent young maidens in the night is the kind of energy expenditure that this malevolent mollusk cannot afford. Mainly because it lives (you guessed it) in the darkest, deepest excesses of the oceans, where the eternal darkness creates an all-year-round Halloween mood. In these waters, even beginners have a hard time finding the tiniest scraps of food, and have to resort to drastic measures to get by. But the vampire squid looks at those beginners and goes “yall are scrubs git gud lmao”. Compared to the vampire squid’s lifestyle, virtually any other denizen of the deep sea lives right in the middle of a goddamn cornucopia.

See, the vampire squid doesn’t just live in the deep ocean. It specifically prefers places called Oxygen Minimum Zones (OMZ), which sounds more like the hardest Sonic level ever than any serious place which can support life. OMZs are vast sheet-like expanses of water in the deep sea which barely contain any breathable oxygen. Some of these zones can contain as little as 5% of the oxygen that saturates air, and barely anything survives here.

And guess what? The vampire squid lives here. Not only lives, but thrives.

This is the game the vampire squid plays, every day of its life. On hard difficulty.

Obviously, living in a dead wasteland of suffocating water has required the squid to adopt some nifty tools of survival. Do not do so would be like entering the final dungeon of a video game with early game gear.

First off is a pair of sensory filaments, which the vampire squid extends through the water much like a spider does its web. They are super long and flexible, and probably the source of so many dick jokes that the squid will choke a bitch if anyone tells one more.

“No, I’ve never heard that one ever. Ha ha ha. Real fuckin’ original.”

Next up is a pair of membranous wings, used by the squid to travel through the aether of space to “fly” through the water, it’s cape-like arm web billowing behind it. The vampire parallels are getting more and more accurate.

Interestingly this wing isn’t the same in adults and juveniles. At one point in their devlopment they start growing a second pair of fins which eventually fully substitutes the first pair, which then atrophies back into the flesh. Thus if you’re lucky enough to catch a vampire squid, it’s not impossible that it will have four fins. The biologists who first found these four-finned squid nearly went insane trying to describe it (and several other developmental stages) as separate species. It was such a mess it took years to sort out, and nowadays the vampire squid is the sole surviving species of its order. He’s standing in the darkness. Alone.

WAKE ME UP INSIDE

The fins and the filaments aren’t just decorative elements the squid picked out at Hot Topic, either. Used in tandem, they’re a fearsomely effective netting tool and the way this crafty cephalopod earns its daily bread. You think spiders are cool with their webs? Nah, Spiders ain’t shit. They’re lazy idiots and their web does all the work for them. the vampire squid’s filaments is where it’s REALLY at.

See, the vampire squid’s main diet is thankfully not blood but something called “marine snow”. This is basically the shower of discarded tissue, shit and corpses that rains down upon the lower layers of the deep ocean from the upper layers all year round. Having this fall from the sky for “White Christmas” would probably be quite traumatizing.

DECK THE HALLS WITH BALLS OF FECES SHALALALALALALALALAAAAARGH

The vampire squid, however, has had its resolve steeled by years of isolation in the darkness of the deep ocean, and is willing to chug down anything to survive. Bear Grylls is a picky gourmet chef compared to this guy.

That said, it needs to eat something that’s actually of some nutritional worth. It could spend its life scarfing down every chunk of marine snow it comes across, but that would be a waste of muscle movements since most of it does exactly nil to fill up its stomach. That’s where the filaments/fins combo come in, turning the vampire squid into an angry little tripwire trap ready to snap at any moment.

Note the filament. That’s not a parasite, that’s legit a part of the animal. Nobody knows where it evolved from, it’s not a modified arm or tentacle and it’s a fucking enigma.

Mystery tentacles: the quintessential Terrible Tentacle Theatre experience.

Extending its filaments (one at a time) into the mucky waters around, it waits more still then I do when I go to the kitchen for a glass of water during the night and I hear a sudden noise. The filaments come with a plethora of sensitive nerve endings, ensuring that anything bigger than a flea’s asscheeks landing on them will elicit an immediate response from the squid. And if said asscheeks touch the filaments, responds the squid it does. Specifically, it exhibits a surprising burst of speed (considering it just drifts around all day and it is effectively the consistency of Jell-O), pulled entirely by its fins to perform an acrobatic fucking pirouette off the handle, whipping around in a loose loop and catching its own filament. Millions of dogs around the world enviously sigh in unison.

After this, the squid pulls off its prey from the filament using its arms, which generate a solid slime-like material. The collected chunks of edible whatnot are rolled into a ball of slime, and horfed down by the squid at once. You probably cannot tell but there’s a Michelin star underneath its mantle. “Slimeball à la Vampire Squid” is one gourmet-ass dish.

Molto bene!

Of course, all this fine dining makes the vampire squid itself tasty as all hell. You are what you eat, afterall. But in the deep sea, you do NOT want to be tasty, because everyone is hungry on top of being the most light-deficient gourmet motherfuckers on the planet. So naturally, our subject needs some sort of way to evade the raving food critics hunting him in the deep. And he has this way in the form of a very unlikely tool: bioluminescence.

“But Admin”, I hear you say, “didn’t you just get done telling us last week that glowing in the deep sea will attract everything around you?” That I did, young padawan, and it still stands. However, just like last week’s subject, the vampire squid uses its built-in glowsticks with a very express purpose and doesn’t just flash into the sunset willy-nilly. The glowy parts of this beast have very well-defined places and usages, exquisitely located and timed, just like a laugh track in a sitcom. Underneath its dark-red skin the vampire squid carries clusters of glowing photophores mainly on the tip of its arms as well as in two fake eye-spots on the top of its mantle, ready to flare up in a blue burst of light on demand. The fake eyes even come with their own built-in eyelids, opening and closing as Dracula Jr. sees fit.

Imagine you’re a predator and you see this glowing collection of random bullshit. Now figure out where to bite. Good fucking luck.

These lights are used with great care and consideration in order to troll the fuck out of anybody who is foolish enough to make an attempt on the vampire squid’s life. Upon attack, the squid whips its arms around with the lights on full luminosity, creating a confusing dance of light spots in the otherwise total darkness and messing up the predator’s perception. The false eyes only make things worse, finally creating the illusion that the vampire squid possesses unlimited godlike control over space and time, which may damn well be true.

Question: What way is this vampire squid going? Hint: It’s not facing toward you.

The appearance of the squid as a godlike psychic is surprisingly in line with the whole vampire angle, since Dracula has reknownedly had the ability to charm and hypnotize people. The effect is further accentuated by the squid’s eyes, proportionally the largest of any animal ever discovered. With a diameter a whopping one sixth of the animal’s whole body, this thing's oculars are like if you were walking around with eyes the size of your head. Each.

And for added effect, they glow and change color depending on which angle you’re looking at them from.

DISCO CTHULHU

And finally, if a spooky vampire-looking-ass dark red glowing octopus-squid-thing with hypnotic powers isn’t Halloweeny enough for you, the vampire squid has a final trick up its sleeve that catapults it right into the realm of body horror. This is suspected to be a defensive tactic but who the fuck knows, really. Deep sea creatures are enigmatic as shit, and they guard their secrets jealously.

Alright, I’ll quit beating around the bush and say it outright. Basically the final defensive measure of the vampire squid is turning itself inside out.

Yep.

Of all the stupid shit that Mother Nature could have come up with, she went and decided “alright, it just up and turns itself inside the fuck out. What are you gonna do about it?”

This behavior is known to science as “pineappling” or even more Halloweeny-ly “pumpkin posture” (no, seriously) and it involves the squid taking the webbing between its arms and turning it upside to shield its head and body from harm. Now folded comfortably into a spiky little footbal, the vampire squid knows itself free from harm. The webbings are thin enough for it to see through, but also don’t let its lights to shine around, so doing this effectively means the vampire squid switches into stealth mode. Plus it looks stylishly similar to Dracula popping the collar on his cape.

The vampire squid is every Monster Mash horror cliché come to life and smushed into a vaguely cephalopod shaped package for best user experience. When the stars are right and Cthulhu and his Star-Spawn emerge from the sunken city of R’lyeh to bring the world to ruin once more, these guys will be the first living things they encounter. And then they’ll fuck off back to their stupid city, mumbling things like “what the hell man, that’s plagiarism” and “that’s way too extra, even for us”. The apocalypse is postponed once again, thanks to the vampire squid’s vailant efforts of looking weird as fuck.

Happy Halloween, everybody! I was a day late due to the length of this article, but I hope you don’t mind. Until next Tuesday’s article, have a wonderful time with the aftermath of the day of cheesy horror and confectioneries.

Sources:

Encyclopedia of Life

Tree of Life Web Project

Animal Diversity Web

Ocean Biogeographic Information System (OBIS)

Ellis, Richard. “Introducing Vampyroteuthis infernalis, the vampire squid from Hell”. The Cephalopod Page. Dr. James B. Wood. 

Seibel, Brad. “Vampyroteuthis infernalis, Deep-sea Vampire squid”. The Cephalopod Page. Dr. James B. Wood. Retrieved 3 July 2011. 

Hoving, H. J. T.; Robison, B. H. (2012). “Vampire squid: Detritivores in the oxygen minimum zone”. Proceedings of the Royal Society B: Biological Sciences. 

[ecotone99]

[FN] Cats are assholes

"Finally done with my finals week..." Alex said, as we finished yet another barrage of exams while attending a school in the big city. I came from the cornfields myself, so moving here was quite a lot to take in. Go figure, there's more things to do here than hang out at Wally World. I loved the excitement and rush of the big city, leaving behind my beloved cornfield strewn rust built town. I was still pretty naive looking back on it, as I had a pretty sheltered upbringing. But I found a circle of like minded quirky friends and we loved to get into shenanigans together.

"So what are you gonna do over break?" I asked. Alex juggled a lot of work and school hoping to become a scientist himself. Definitely not a superstitious type. "Hopefully I'll get a full night's sleep for once...." he retorted. Rohit met us shortly at lunch. He was a well to do and extremely smart fellow. We talked about our plans and quickly found out we really had nothing much going on. The college town usually cleared out over break. That small town boredom was all too familiar and reared its head.

We decided to explore the city a bit and soon found an old abandoned house. It was owned by a man called Eldin Snape, an elderly shut in who suddenly disappeared. With no heirs to claim his estate, the house fell into neglect. The windows were boarded up and it looked in disrepair. "I hear nobody has been in there for over 30 years...." Alex said. "Hah, I bet there's probably some ancient demonic book or something in there." Rohit said jokingly. The house was entirely abandoned, and against my gut instinct to not do something stupid, we soon hopped the fence and stumbled in to see what we could find.

We soon encountered an arsenal of bookshelves strewn with books. So I started pulling books off the shelves....."Potion Making 101"..."The Beginners Guide to Growing Poison Apples"... "12 Steps to becoming a Mind Reader".....As you might imagine I was surprised to find such peculiar books here.

"What a weirdo, why does he have all of these ridiculous books?" Alex said. "I guess when you're an old shut in, books become your best friend" Rohit retorted. Something was off about these books though.... they looked to be extremely old, hundreds of years old even. The pages were tattered and every book we opened just plumed with that unmistakable old book smell.

We soon found an empty leather chair, and there was an open book sitting on it. "Invisibility and Transformation Spells for the Budding Magician." Of course a giant lightbulb went off in my head....but there was no way....I bet somebody else came here before and left that behind as a joke. "I found this book on invisibility, I bet Eldin is invisible now and sneaking into the theaters as we speak." I started reading through it and the entire book was written in Latin.... totally incomprehensible. But it had a bunch of pictures of different animals in it, even fictional ones like gryphons and dragons.

"Oh my god!" Rohit shrieked from the next room. We walked over and soon found that one of the bookshelves had turned into solid gold. A book lay on the floor..." The Midas Touch." Shocked, I started wondering if those gummy bears my girlfriend gave me had acid in them. Alex soon walked over and had a look of shock and horror plastered on his face, then I knew this was the real deal.

"What did you do?!" Alex roared. "I picked it up this book and...... he paused and soon grew an aura of maliciousness around him. He was the only one of us who knew Latin, being the well-read fellow he is. "These books turn people into gods...and there can only be one god....lest the world be thrown into a divine war....." Consumed by insanity, he lunged and touched alex. He quickly materialized into a solid gold statue, frozen in a state of horror and awe. He then looked at me with the same terrifying look. Immediately, I started sprinting towards the door. I don't know what instinct kicked up inside me, but I managed to snag the book the old man left behind before making it out. I outran him and soon made it home with the book safely in tow.

Terrified and trying to gather my thoughts, I knew two things. My former friend had totally lost his mind, and if I didn't stop him, the world would most certainly end. As I sat in the porch trying to glean any comprehension of the book, a black cat walked before me. "Great, is this the bad omen that's supposed to tell me I'm screwed?" I said aloud. "Quite the opposite..." the cat said back."My name is Eldin, and your genius friend didn't read the part where the power of the Midas Touch comes with the price of insanity." I knew Rohit well, and I knew he would never do something like that on his volition.

"The magical ward I placed over that building wore out, and I was just on my way to re-cast it when I saw you running away." The cat said. "That house is filled with books of tremendous power, and ideally those books won't slip into the wrong midas-touchy hands..." Still reeling from shock, I mumbled out, " So what can we do now?!"

"We kill him, that's what. Don't worry about a thing." the cat said. "Isn't there any other way we can reverse the effects?" I asked, wanting desperately to save my friend from insanity. "There is, but doing so requires placing your hand on his chest and reciting an enchantment. You get too close to him, and you're dead. Killing him is the only way." I immediately came up with an idea and showed him the book I took. "This book allows you to turn invisible right? What if I sneak up to him and say the magic anti-batshit insane words?"

"That could work, but doing so takes a few moments. He can still hear your voice and feel your touch, and if he reaches out and touches, you'll become a trophy just like your friend." I knew doing this would be a huge gamble, but if I didn't try, this mage was going to assassinate my friend. "Why don't I try... and if I fail and get turned into a hunk of gold you can undo it......right?"

The cat gave a long pause before answering. "No I cannot. Anything turned to gold through the Midas touch cannot be undone. Haven't you read the myth?" I cared deeply my friend and knew he had an extensive family that loved him. Hesitantly, I said, "That's a risk I'm going to have to take. If I don't make it out, melt down my body and sell the gold. Give half the money to his family and half to mine." The cat sighed. "I don't have time for this...." and walked away.

I read through the book until I found the section until I found a picture of a man turning invisible. Using my trusty friend Google Translate, I was able to read it and recite the enchantment, and soon my body faded away with my consciousness still present. I solemnly walked back to house, and saw my friend hunched over a brewing cauldron with open books strewn everywhere.

I snuck up to him and ever so slightly touched his chest as he sit over his cauldron and began whispering the words. As luck would have, the rotting floor gave way and my foot fell through the floor halfway through the enchantment. Panicked, I started speedily reciting the enchantment hoping to finish it before he figured out what was going on. His arms emitted a strange glow and he flailed them in a panic, hitting me on the shoulder. I felt my feet slowly go numb, but I managed to finish the recitement in time. Rohit passed out before me, and I lay on the floor slowly becoming a gold statue.

The cat walked up to me as the gold had crawled up my body and reached my chest. "Idiot...." He booped me with his paw and immediately my body returned to normal. He walked up to Alex and did the same. I stood up filled with rage. "You told me the spell was irreversible!!!"

"Eh, killing him would have been easier." the cat said. "Now, get out of my house."

Cats are assholes.

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