#once again my brain is blanking on me so i can't explain what i mean but i certainly mean smth

[imsilay]

Dozakh

i’m back? :>

word count: 1k

not smut just obsessed, manipulative König. also not very proofread cus im lazy and have no time T-T

cr: @gruhhhuu

His heart skipped a beat when you pushed him away. He just wanted to kiss you like he always did, but you didn't seem to be in a mood for it. Because you were determined to talk about what had been bothering you. "We need to talk, König." His eyebrows frowned with confusion and hunger. He needed your taste, and he wanted it now.

“Nein. Come here.” he growled, pulling you back into his arms and wrapping them tightly around your body, trapping your arms and leaving you no room to move. You struggled and squirmed to break free, only making him angrier. "Scheiße." He lifted you up, sitting with you on the couch. "Fine. Talk." he said, breathing impatiently, still holding you down in his arms.

His big, calloused hand ran through your hair as he tilted your chin up to meet his eyes. "I need some space." you murmured, trying to push him away once again to put some distance between your bodies. He sucked a sharp breath, squeezing your body to stop your movements. The moment you told him that you wanted to be at your apartment for a week to think about your relationship, his brain stopped working completely. How would he continue living without you? How would he eat, sleep and breathe? It was already difficult for him to be away when he was deployed, but how could you expect him to survive without you? "Ja? Why?" his voice sounded calm yet cold. You sighed and attempted to explain: "It's overwhelming, I know you love me, and you want me close, but this," gesturing to your place on his lap and his arms holding you firmly when his voice was cold like ice. "This doesn't feel like love. I love you. I really do, but I don't know if I like being so... clingy." you watched his jaw clench as you spoke. He was always like this, getting angry whenever you mentioned leaving. His arms tightened around your midsection, as if he feared you would slip away. You could hear his breathing, feel his searching eyes scan your face and body. He wanted to be brutal, but couldn't quite lose himself yet. Not yet, at least.

"You think I'm clingy, meine kleine?" he trailed off as his hand wrapped around your throat, not in a menacing manner, but enough to make your breath hitch. "I just wanted to show you how much I love you..." His thumb caressed your pulse, feeling it increase with every passing second. "You can't leave me... You couldn't live without me. That feeling will fade. You'll get used to it." he mumbled and pulled you under his mask, kissing you breathless until you forgot why you were pushing him. His lips devoured yours with such hunger it made your head spin. He pulled back for air and saw that you had a blank look on your face. “See? You didn’t actually want to leave.” he said, his voice slightly hoarse from lust. You panted and tried to catch your breath as he kept you just inches away. It was hot under his mask and his cologne was intoxicating. The arms around your waist slid into your shirt, and his fingers caressed your soft skin. You shivered and softly sighed at the feeling of his big palm covering your body. "König, not again." you sighed, as you tried to resist the temptation he was casting. "I'm not doing anything." he pouted playfully, and kissed you again. The kiss was soft, but you felt the hunger. You felt as if you saw a spark of possession in his eyes. "I know what you're trying to do." you said as he broke the kiss and leaned his forehead against yours. "What do you mean?" he mumbled, but you could still feel his hand squeeze your waist and his fingers dig into your skin. He moved closer and said, "I'm just showing you my love, meine kleine. Your lips are so addicting." As you tried to turn away, he growled and kissed your lips again, this time, forcefully. He then started moving downward to your neck, cheeks, and even your ears, without hesitation. You were his, and it didn't seem that you had a choice. He was marking you with red hickeys on your neck and jaw. When you tried to push him away, he caught your hands and pinned them between your bodies, holding your wrists with one hand. He used his other hand to grip your neck and hold you in place, stealing your breath away. "König, please stop!" you yelled. He finally stopped with your yelling. His eyes wide, and his pupils dilated, making him look like a starving predator, and you his sole prey. "Don't leave," he breathed, leaning in to kiss you again. You pulled your head out of his mask for some much-needed oxygen. You hoped he'd calm down even a little, but he didn't. Instead, he nearly ripped his mask off and glared at you, his jaw tightly clenched and his eyes filled with determination. "Can't you see how desperate I am? How could you abandon me?" he pulled your head closer using his grip on your throat and growled into your ear. Then a moment later, he began trembling, and tears filled his eyes. You felt his desperation and started to feel guilty. He let go of your wrists and moved both of his hands to hold your waist. "I'm sorry, darling. I'm not going to leave you. Don’t cry." you mumbled. You wiped away the tears. Your heart ached as you saw his tear-filled eyes, and you felt an urge to pull him closer. The sound of your voice, that sweet murmur of surrender, was the sweetest music to him. All he had wanted this whole time was you. And you were here. In his arms. He leaned forward and captured your lips. A hot, hungry, desperate kiss.

After the kiss he hugged you and buried his head into your neck as if inhaling your smell directly into his soul. “You’re so easy, but you’re mine.” he mumbled against your skin and kissed your neck softly. He smirked when you worriedly apologized and tried to soothe him. It always worked. If his words didn’t, his tears would definitely…

a/n: please support me by reblogging, if you liked the content ofc <3 your comments also makes my day :* and i love to reply all of them :>

hii ~(T-T)/~ i have a really busy studying schedule that’s why im not online like before :’) but writing is my therapy AND my acc isn’t abandoned (i’m barely looking at my phone screen)

[jnnul]

mr. brawn and ms. brain

sum: you hate athletes. eunseok is an athlete. eunseok is in love with you. it doesn't take a genius to see that there's an issue with this equation. after a one-sided love for the past three years, eunseok is saved when the two of you are partnered to work on an english project together. which means that eunseok's first step of getting you to fall in love with him is done. next step: get you to give him the time of day... word count: 9.6k a/n: hehe i've been working on this for so long i can't believe it's finally out lol i hope that you all enjoy reading this as much as i loved writing this! <3 someone teach me how to make visually pleasing banners. quick note: feedback, comments, etc. GREATLY encourage writers! if you felt any sort of way (in a good or bad way!) about this fic, pls leave feedback warnings: mentions of reader's insecurities, sungchan being a horrible/amazing friend, simp eunseok, uhh love :D

EUNSEOK SHOULD HAVE KNOWN THAT TRYING TO WRAP HIS MIND AROUND YOUR SHEER GENIUS WAS A BAD IDEA. you were just so much smarter than him; he didn't know why he thought that he could even comprehend the meaning behind your actions anymore.

at least, this is what song eunseok gathers from your animated gestures and anger stained tone as you continue to motion at eunseok semi-offensively.

he's only half-listening (he's perfected the art of the blank stare) and you know that he's not listening too. but eunseok figures that if yelling at him to your heart's content is what would make you feel better, then he was glad to be your not-really listening ear.

"...and you know that i can't do it all on my own!" you yell finally, your distress coming to a climax. eunseok winces when your voice reaches a decibel he didn't know to be humanly possible. your chest is heaving and eunseok, from this, is now well aware that you're upset the fact you had to work on the partner project by yourself last night.

but he didn't know how else to explain to you that he had a soccer match last night that he couldn't just skip out to work on the project - even if it was a project that would more or less determine his grade in the class.

your arms are crossed against your torso, eyebrows furrowed as you wait for eunseok to say something. he's sat in front of you, looking akin to a statue, while you're standing up, glaring down at him and from this angle, eunseok is once again reminded of just why he lets you get away with saying pretty much anything to him.

eunseok is so incredibly in love with you that it takes every fiber of his being from telling you that any time the two of you were together. which was less often than he wanted but more often than you had had in the past so he was willing to take the wins he could get at this point.

"so you want me to the work on the project, that's it, right?" he says slowly and you damn near want to strangle him in that moment. you knew that eunseok wasn't dumb and that he had only sat through your entire lecture because you weren't going to let him hear the end of it anyway but would it kill him to at least pretend like he was remorseful?

"yes," you say finally, with an exasperated sigh. "i just want you to work on the project with me."

the corner of eunseok's lips twitch imperceptibly upwards in a soft smile before it disappears, bringing him back to his much more familiar bored expression. i just want you to work on the project with me.

that had to mean something, right? you wouldn't add the 'with me' without any particular reason, right? you actually meant to indicate something with that 'with me', right?

in all honesty, you're hadn't thought of what you were saying all that hard and had just said everything that came to mind in an attempt to rid yourself of your anger and eunseok knows that as well.

he's been in love with you for long enough to know that you didn't actually mean anything when he formed these delusions on his own but he couldn't help himself.

eunseok has loved you since the moment he saw you sitting inside the classroom, earbuds in your ears as you flipped through your notebook filled with notes while he was outside on the soccer field, squinting up at you against the relentless sun, three years ago.

he wasn't sure what it was. at first, he was sure that it was just the chase. the classic 'unattainable' trope where he was only attracted to you because of the challenge that you presented to him.

but it was strange.

eunseok wasn't a really big fan of cheesy clichés or overplayed poetry about something that he was sure didn't exist anymore but everything had changed when he saw you.

your looks, face, beauty - none of that seemed to be what clicked within him. the moment that you turned your head to peer out the window, your eyes landing on his, it was like his entire soul was breathing a sigh of relief.

if eunseok was any less of a realist, he would've genuinely believed that the two of you were soul tied lovers from previous lives.

the only issue was that eunseok was pretty sure his soulmate would give him the time of day. which you pretty much refused to do. it was like you were allergic to his type or something.

you kept to yourself in general, and didn't really have many friends but at the very least, you were friendly enough to those around you. no one really had anything bad to say about you bar the fact that you never allowed anyone to overtake you on your throne seated comfortably as number one in the whole school.

except for eunseok's friends. they all knew about eunseok's hopeless love for you and for the life of them could not understand why. you barely glanced in his direction in general, and seemed to always glare at any round object that could be used for a sport - and those who carried said offending objects.

which naturally meant that eunseok and the rest of his friends (all of whom unfortunately played some sport or another) were blacklisted by you.

he'd been curious at first why you had so much prejudice against sports and then one time, had seen you be forced to run laps around the field. needless to say, after he saw you nearly trip and fall on your face at least four times in one lap, he was vaguely aware of what prompted you to stay as far away from such activities as possible.

in fact, eunseok was relatively sure that he was going to have to graduate high school without ever actually having a proper conversation. until the fateful day that your english professor had assigned you and eunseok to work on the same project together for a final grade.

it was a simple research paper, but both of you had to submit outlines and drafts that showed how much you each contributed to the project, as well as how much of the project was done with each other - all of which contributed to your grade.

eunseok had thought that this was it! this would be his in!

he was wrong. to be honest, eunseok could count on one hand the number of conversations he'd had with you after starting work on the project together. and could count without any fingers the number of those conversations that were about anything other than project division.

which is why, when you're standing here, arms crossed against your heaving chest and looking at him with those eyes, eunseok has nothing running in his mind other than just how much he wants you to know what he feels.

"eunseok! are you even listening to me anymore?" you ask, waving a hand in his face. eunseok blinks before clearing his throat. he reaches out a long arm to pull out a chair in the desk next to his and indicates for you to sit down on it.

you eye the chair warily before sitting down, folding your skirt underneath your thighs as you sit gingerly, as if you were expecting it to explode.

the sight would normally make eunseok just roll his eyes for anyone else but with you, it makes him smile.

"okay, i'm sorry. with the game last night, i forgot to my part for the draft due friday. but i promise, i'm still going to make it up to you and finish all of the stuff i needed to do as soon as possible," eunseok says. you watch him for a moment before nodding and moving to get up out of the chair as eunseok rushes to come up with some reasoning to get you to stay with him a little longer.

"although, are you sure you're going to be able to finish the section by yourself? i had some issues with the first half of pride and prejudice because of the characterization and the time period," you say, although the last half of your thought seems to be much more reluctant than the first half, as if you didn't want to admit that you had any academic weaknesses to eunseok.

but eunseok barely pays it any mind, jumping on the opportunity as soon as he recognizes it. "oh...yeah, honestly i don't know if i can do it by myself. since we both have access to the late night study room anyway, do you wanna finish it together tonight?"

eunseok watches as the gears turn in your head, bottom lip caught between your teeth as you debate the possibilities in your mind. and even as you do, he tries to control the erratic beating of his heart at the chance of spending so much time with you.

if he could explain his feelings to anyone, which eunseok was not gifted with the vocabulary of attempting to do so, he was sure that they would ask if he was ripped straight from the novel the two of you were assigned to work on.

to be honest, eunseok thinks as he rests his temple against the heel of his palm, watching as you pull out a timetable and consult it with utmost seriousness, even he found it kinda silly.

well, not silly as in his crush on you was dumb per se (although, there were times where he realized just how unfounded his feelings truly were). more silly like i didn't even know these kinds of feelings could still exist in people.

silly like how a child discovering the world for the first time might be - awkward in their gait but curiosity shining brightly in their eyes, learning how to be human for the first time.

he knows that his whole 'true love' or 'soulmate' semantics were not for the weak of heart - and most definitely not for those who were too embroiled in the 'love' of today's day and age. but he couldn't bring himself to care.

it made him want to be a better person for you. to be the man that you would glance at in more than just passing. to be worthy of your love.

"alright. i'm scheduled for an english tutoring session but i'll ask them to meet me tomorrow instead. maybe i can use some of the stuff that we learn during our project," you say with a sigh, crossing out some of the timings written in your schedule and rearranging them.

eunseok's eyebrows furrow. "you take tutoring lessons? oh, like a private tutor?"

you eye eunseok strangely, as if you weren't sure if he was making a joke or not.

"no...i teach people. i tutor for english, mathematics, and some other subjects as well. it's how i'm adding to my resumé." the chair makes an awful noise when you push it back to stand up.

"oh," eunseok says. resumé? for what? college admissions? god, he really needed to start getting ready for that. his csat score was not high enough for him to even dream about getting into a good enough school for you to recognize him.

or, you know, secure brighter future in such a competitive job market. but that was mostly secondary.

"yeah. so..." you trail off awkwardly, toeing the ground with your arms behind your back. the sight of you being awkward or unsure of yourself was foreign to eunseok but nonetheless endearing.

"yeah. so i'll see you tonight then? after classes end?" eunseok prompts you and you seem to snap out of whatever reverie your mind was in.

"mhm." it's absent-minded and almost an afterthought, as you make your way out of the classroom, pausing at the door to look at him before leaving.

+++

classes end a couple of hours later, and eunseok is left waiting anxiously in the study rooms.

you'd agreed to meet after classes but eunseok realizes that he'd never asked for a specific time or your number to communicate with you, meaning that he'd been stuck in the study rooms for the past hour, unsure if and when you were going to show up.

eunseok had been productive with his time, of course. he'd tucked away the soccer ball he'd brought to school into one of the lockers in the back and popped a breath mint. not for any particular reason, but he didn't want you to think of him in the stereotypical 'jock who doesn't partake in hygiene'.

he'd even tried to make progress on the pride and prejudice chapters he'd been assigned (by you) to write about, only to give up three sentences in.

the one thing that eunseok had done incorrectly, however, was drinking too much water. see, eunseok had a strange habit of chugging water every time he got nervous. needless to say, about an hour of sheer anxiety of when you were going to show up made him down the whole waterbottle.

which was not good because now, eunseok had to relieve himself and you were still nowhere to be seen. and he couldn't just go use the restroom and come back because he was pretty sure you'd just leave and assume that he bailed on you if he left his post in the study rooms.

eunseok paces around the room, hoping that time would move faster if he moved faster (time-space was in same dimension after all, so technically...). he's taken about twenty-three laps around the study room when he finally hears the door click open and you enter the study room somewhat cautiously, looking worse for wear.

"I'LL BE RIGHT BACK!" eunseok manages to holler before sprinting out of the study room, not wanting to look back and see your undoubtedly bewildered face as he makes a mad dash for the men's restrooms.

it's not until eunseok finally relieves himself, washing his hands in the sink that was lower than his hips that he realizes what he'd just done.

eunseok berates himself more than once or twice in the bathroom, pacing back and forth once more when he realizes just how much of an idiot he must've looked like as he sprinted out of the room like a crazy man.

"it's ok. it's ok! having to use the restroom is natural! everyone needs to! it's not like y/n doesn't, right? don't worry, you look fine. you're so hot, she'll forget it happened."

you didn't forget. when eunseok slinked back into the study room, you can barely keep the silly smile off your face, trying your best to look understanding and apologetic instead.

"i'm - i'm so sorry for coming late eunseok. i heard there was soccer practice today so i figured you'd be late and decided to help mrs. kim with creating the study set for the upcoming math test," you explain, unable to keep the lighthearted giggle out of your voice.

eunseok offers an embarrassed half-grin as he waves you off.

"don't worry, i wasn't waiting long. i just got here too. uh, i asked coach to cancel practice since both captains wouldn't be able to make it," eunseok says, looking busily through his backpack in an effort to prevent you from looking at his red face.

"you asked the coach to cancel practice?" you ask incredulously and eunseok tries his best to act nonchalant.

"yeah. i mean, you're right after all. academics are more important than sports - it's not like i plan on going pro or anything so i figured that i should sit down and make some headway on this project," eunseok says with a shrug, and it brings him a strange sense of satisfaction when you glance at him as though you were suddenly looking at him for the first time.

"you don't plan on playing in college? i mean i've heard that you're good enough for it," you say, and you sound genuinely curious, rearranging the books in front of you.

"i mean i plan on playing in college but i can't exactly get into college just on sports. i'm not that good. i still need to have good grades and scores to get in," eunseok says and you frown, deep in thought, but eunseok can tell that it's not in a bad or malicious way.

"i'd never thought you would care that much about school," you say softly and eunseok can't help but shoot you a lopsided grin.

"we're not all just dumb jocks, y/n," he responds, his voice just as soft and he realizes just how much he likes the taste of your name on his tongue.

"yeah. i guess so," you say finally, offering him a small smile.

eunseok thinks he can die happy when he sees it.

+++

the two of you don't become best friends over the next couple weeks. in fact, you still don't have too many conversations with him other than about the project, but it's more than eunseok has been awarded with before.

you talk to him in between classes now, when you see him in the hallways, and ask him about soccer practice. eunseok always blushes, casting his eyes towards the windows so that he had something to look at other than your intelligent and probing eyes.

he even sees you wave at him during soccer practice, when you're headed out early for tutoring and eunseok nearly dies of heart attack, tripping over himself as he rushes to wave back.

wonbin didn't let him live that down for a full week after the incident occurred, laughing and waving in exaggerated motions every time he saw eunseok.

he even went as far as going up to you and asking you to come to one of the upcoming soccer matches, all in the name of good fun.

eunseok had had to literally tackle wonbin to the floor in order to keep him from spilling any vital information ("please come to the soccer match because our captain has been crushing on you since his first year and we can't see him like this anymore.") but it was clear that the message came through incorrectly.

"you don't want me to come to your match that much? i thought we were better friends than that, eunseok," you said with a frown, and eunseok had to scramble to his feet, kicking wonbin with his foot.

"no - no! it's not that. i do really want you to come to our soccer match. but i kinda wanted to be the one to ask you. you know, because you're so busy all the time and i thought you might say yes if i asked rather than this idiot," eunseok had explained, tripping over his words in an attempt to make sure that he didn't hurt your emotions.

you'd stared up at him, your face unreadable. that was the one thing that eunseok didn't like about you - he could never truly predict exactly what you were thinking unless you said it out loud. you were infamous for your poker face and it made eunseok incredibly nervous.

little did he know that that was the exact reason that eunseok made you nervous.

"i'll come if i have time," you had said simply, turning on your heel to flounce away.

"you're an idiot but goddamnit, i love you wonbin," eunseok had said, descending onto the right wing to tackle him to the floor once more with a hug.

"alright! i get it! get off of me, cap!" wonbin said, pawing at eunseok's arms to relieve himself from the bearhug he was trapped in. he'd just laughed, wrapping his arms around wonbin even tighter.

which brought eunseok to his current predicament.

not only had you come to the match, but you'd brought some of your friends with you. eunseok doesn't really recognize any of them but by the way that you're laughing as you're talking to them, eunseok figures that that you must be pretty close.

"if you could stop staring at the love of your life and finish warm-up drills, that would be great, cap," wonbin says and eunseok shivers, startled by the right wing's sudden presence.

"yeah. uh, team! keep up the drills for just two more minutes before debriefing," eunseok yells, finally forcing his head away from your direction to face his team.

"i invited her because i wanted to give you a chance to impress yourself in front of her. don't make this rare opportunity into a mess," wonbin suggests with a smirk, saluting to eunseok as he ran to sungchan to finish the last few drills with him.

"that brat. and he still wants to be captain next year," eunseok grumbles under his breath, begrudgingly joining the rest of the team. as much as he hated to admit it, wonbin was right.

getting you to come to this match was already more than eunseok had ever had in the past; there was no way that he was going to let himself fuck this up. that would be so incredibly embarrassing.

"alright!" eunseok shouts, clapping his hands and waiting for the team to huddle around him. "i don't need to remind anyone that just because our team has been doing well, we still need to play at our best, right? you all know how to play soccer so just do what you've been doing and don't let it get to your head. good and bad plays both."

he extends his hand out to the center of their huddle, and the rest of the team also extends their hands, chanting their school's soccer cheer before dispersing to discard any extra gear or possessions.

eunseok looks one last time to where you were sitting, just as a quick 'good luck glance' and he's startled to see you already staring back at him. you cock your head and smile slightly, offering him a thumbs up and eunseok feels as though he'd already won the match.

"seok, i've got an idea," sungchan, eunseok's fellow captain and one of his closest friend says, slinging an arm around his shoulders.

"what bullshit are you stirring up now?" eunseok says, his voice flat and unimpressed. sungchan grabs his chest where his heart was, as though he'd been shot, dramatically stumbling backwards.

"here i am, offering to relieve you of your pining and you say i'm stirring up bullshit," sungchan gasps. eunseok rolls his eyes, grabbing sungchan's jersey to pull him forward.

"what? match is starting soon," eunseok says, unable to keep the smile out of his voice.

"i'll make a bet with you," sungchan says. "if i score more goals than you do, you have to ask out y/n. but if you score more goals than i do, then you don't have to."

"this feels like a stupid bet. i'm not doing it," eunseok says, but he can already feel himself being swayed. he'd liked you for so long - at this point, he was just looking for the slightest push in the right direction to ask you out.

"alright fine. you don't have to. y/n's pretty cute, honestly, and she's hella smart too. so i'll make you a different deal. if i score more goals, i ask her out. if you score more goals, i won't ask her out," sungchan says, a devilish smile on his face.

eunseok's eyes look as though they'd burn sungchan to smithereens if they could but sungchan barely shivers, offering him a shit-eating grin and turning to blow a kiss to you.

"what the fuck? i should've known that you were up to something stupid," eunseok growls. "why the hell would you ask her out?"

"it's only an issue if i score more goals than you, right?" sungchan says, jogging backwards to join the team again, never breaking eye contact with eunseok.

eunseok knew that sungchan was a loyal friend and there was no way in hell that he was going to ask you out - even as a joke or as a push to get eunseok to confess his feelings - but eunseok was pissed. the idea of someone else confessing to you before he ever did made him see red.

the team barely sees eunseok the whole match. which is strange, because he's in for the entire match, but they barely even see him, his red uniform appearing as streaks up and down the field. he scores goal after goal, running towards the goalpost at speeds they'd never see the usually laidback captain move at.

and sungchan was no better than him. although his heart wasn't in it nearly as much, sungchan was hot on eunseok's heels, the two of them on opposite ends of the field and being the two people that the team relied on the most the entire match, carrying the entire team to victory.

which is why when the scoreboard reads 5 - 0, the team is shocked, but sungchan just has that stupid grin on his face. not only had eunseok scored one more goal than sungchan, he'd also gone mad, ensuring that the opposing team didn't score a single goal.

"what the hell did you do to cap?" wonbin asks sungchan, and the older boy just nods in your general direction.

"gave him the push he's been needing," he says, smirking with satisfaction when he sees eunseok jogging over to where you were sitting, after shaking hands with the opposing team and thanking the referees.

"thanks for coming, y/n," eunseok says, out of breath and sweaty when he reaches to where you were sitting. "i honestly didn't think you were coming - since sports aren't really your thing."

"i promised i would come, didn't i?" you quip, and a shy smile overtakes your face, making eunseok having to use every single ounce of his willpower to keep from squealing at how cute he found you. your friends slowly start to file out to leave the two of you standing there - you in the bleachers and him on the field.

"hm, yeah, you did." eunseok's face turns contemplative and for some reason, you rush to fill the silence, in a way that you'd never felt compelled to do with anyone else before.

"i have to admit...i had more fun than i thought," you say, choking on the words as you get them out. eunseok's eyebrows ascend into his hairline - which would be hilarious if you weren't the reason that they were doing so.

"you had fun? y/n l/n? having fun? that too, at a soccer match?" eunseok says incredulously, throwing his hands on his chest dramatically. "well, i'll be!"

you roll your eyes, but you can't help the silly smile you can feel start to form on your lips.

"i can have fun, you know. i'm not always studying and boring everyone. even at soccer games where all i see is a ball go up and down and i have no clue what's happening. i think you did well, though, since everyone was chattering a lot about your performance," you say, adding the last part to appease eunseok for inviting you.

"i don't care about what people say," eunseok says easily, waving his hand in the air as if to physically rid himself of the thought of other people disturbing his mental wellbeing.

"y/n! you have to get going; your tutoring starts soon and mrs. im is always super mad when anyone's the slightest second late!" one of your friends calls out, coming closer to physically drag you away from eunseok if need be.

even his ugliest stare doesn't work on discouraging them from approaching the two of you and eunseok figures that he should work on a mean glare instead of a blank stare; the latter wasn't helping as much anymore now that everyone just assumed that's what his natural face looked like.

"alright, alright. i'm coming," you say, stepping down the stairs of the bleachers carefully, tripping on the last step. eunseok's arm shoots out before he can even think of what he's doing, catching you as you fall.

"thank you," you say breathlessly, and suddenly, eunseok worries that you can hear the erratic beating of his heart from just how close you were to each other, your chests quite nearly touching.

"you wanna hang out some time? maybe prove that the academic queen, school topper, ms. brain knows how to have some fun?" eunseok asks, and he can feel the blood rushing throughout his body as his adrenaline is at an all-time high.

he doesn't think that he was nearly this nervous or that his heart was even pumping this hard during this match. but now, as he's looking down at the most beautiful woman he's ever seen in eighteen years of life, he can't help but feel weak in the knees and just a little too stupidly hopeful.

"i'm sorry eunseok. i'm pretty busy nowadays. especially with new people that i've been tutoring. i don't even have too much time to study myself; i don't think i can afford to take too many breaks now," you explain, somewhat sorry and somewhat sullen.

eunseok tries to keep the heartbreak from showing on his face and he nods, almost too excitedly.

"oh yeah, i get it! no worries! i mean, you are the number one student in the school! you've gotta keep those grades up!" his voice sounds fake even to his own ears and your friend winces apologetically but you don't even seem phased, flashing him a sweet smile.

"we'll 'hang out' when we work on the project next monday though right?" you ask, and eunseok nods, a plastic smile on his face.

"yeah, of course," he says, and for some reason, he can't help but wonder if you knew just how great you were at letting people down. eunseok knew that you were beautiful but no one had ever dared to ask you out, for fear of the fact that they would come second to your academics.

it's hard to ask someone out when you know what the answer is.

"well, i'll get going now then. mrs. im seems like a real tiger mom and i have my first tutoring session with her son today," you say, wrapping your sweater a little bit tighter around your body as you wave goodbye, retreating into the foggy afternoon.

"how did it go, cap?" wonbin asks, a knowing grin on his face, ready to tease/congratulate his captain on his definite success in asking you out.

eunseok doesn't even turn away from watching your figure until he's just staring at empty space and fog before saying, "tell the team we're running laps."

wonbin balks, looking in your direction to see if you'd come to save them. "but we won, cap!"

"no, sungchan and i won. the team is running laps," eunseok grinds out and wonbin immediately retreats backwards, understanding the situation a bit too clearly.

he sets off into a sprint and the team is quick to follow when they see the confusing expression on their captain's face. there was a mix of shame, heartbreak, confusion, guilt, and even some anger on his face and the team was just going to have to take the brunt of his emotions for now. he had a valid point, after all.

you were none the wiser about the soccer team's struggles until your friend, kim minjeong, looks back to see her friend, park wonbin, running in repeated circles before the fog starts to cover the soccer field. she shoves her hands into the pockets of her sweater before shaking her head.

"you know that eunseok was asking you out, right?" she asks and you scoff, pushing her slightly.

"you're insane minjeong. i think that jekyll and hyde is finally getting to you," you jest slightly, referencing her english project. "why the hell would eunseok ask me out?"

"because he wants to spend time with you? because you're a fun person when people get to know you? because he likes you, i don't know!" minjeong exclaims, stopping dead in her tracks and throwing her hands up.

"no, that can't be true," you say, but when you turn to look at what minjeong was looking at, you find that your eyes search the field until they lock with eunseok's eyes, which are trained on you and he cocks his head, causing you to shiver and face forward.

"are you sure?" minjeong asks, looking back and forth between you and eunseok as you march forward determinedly.

"i'm sure. there's no way that eunseok likes me."

+++

you were sure that eunseok didn't like you. that was what you had told minjeong and ning yizhuo, another one of your good friends, when the two of them had confronted you again later. that's the truth, as far as you're aware.

that's what made the most sense too; why the hell would the ace soccer captain be any level of interested in a person who spent all of their time studying and tutoring? someone who was known to be a reserved and kind enough person but a complete hardass when it came to their academics?

yizhuo's words echo in your mind as you sit on your bed, having completed your nightly routine of taking your vitamins and doing your skincare.

he'd never ask you if he wasn't interested.

you hated when she was right. especially when it meant that you were wrong about something. most especially because it meant that you were being emotionally unaware of something.

you stare at your phone, as if staring at it long enough would produce the answers you're searching for - the same thing you'd been doing for the past half hour. you know that you should go to sleep soon; you didn't have any tutoring tomorrow but you were planning on using the time to study, not having had much time over the weekdays to study.

but almost against your own reason and will, your arm reaches for your phone and types out a message recklessly, pressing send before your brain has the time to catch up to the antics of your foolish heart.

you: you wanna go to the arcade with me tomorrow?

you gasp at your own message, scandalized by your sudden initiative and something so out of character for you. you couldn't remember the last time you'd spent more than a couple minutes doing something fun.

actually, that was a lie. you'd just gone to eunseok's game. and you'd had fun. it was something about him that made you want to set down your pens and embrace life. or something else cheesy like that.

your heart jumps when eunseok's response comes, not even a minute after you'd sent the initial message.

song eunseok: i'd lvoe to. song eunseok: **love song eunseok: no tutoring tomorrow?

you type out a response, looking up to check the time on the desktop computer, catching a glimpse of your reflection. why the hell were you smiling?

you: not tomorrow. they canceled since they're going to busan for the weekend. song eunseok: ohhh i see. song eunseok: then let's do it! 1pm? you: sounds good. you: :)

you cast your phone aside on your nightstand, not bothering to read whatever messages eunseok had sent afterwards, instead drifting off into a somewhat peaceful and somewhat anticipatory sleep as you dreamt of the next day.

+++

you're uncharacteristically nervous, knee bouncing as you check your watch for the time for the third time in the past thirty seconds. much to your dismay, it was still very much 12:45 PM.

never had you been this nervous on the day of an important exam or a recital for violin. mostly because those were things that came somewhat easily to you - practice, practice, practice and you would succeed in any task given to you.

but friends? specifically friends who asked you on dates (according to yizhuo and minjeong, that's what this was)? you were somewhere between absolutely lost and crazy scared.

it's just eunseok, you have to breathe and remind yourself. just song eunseok. the stoic soccer team captain. your english project partner. the one that you've been getting a little too influenced by lately.

you consider turning around and heading home to safer territories (textbooks) and bailing on eunseok but before you can put your escape plan into action, the bane of your existence and cause for your issues appears in your vision, jogging over to you with the classic blank face that you've grown used to.

the shit-eating grin on his face that grows when he sees you already sitting on the bench outside the arcade is something that you're not used to, however, and it makes you blush at the implication.

"i'm a very punctual person," you say as soon as eunseok is in earshot, your ego smarting.

"i never said anything," eunseok retorts and you just harrumph, crossing your arms over your chest. "besides, i thought i'd definitely get here before you. you know, to practice."

your eyebrows knit together as you try to decipher the meaning behind his words. "to practice? practice what?"

eunseok's smile grows a little more bashful and sincere as he turns to face the arcade, unable to face you. "practice showing you that i'm worth wasting your saturday afternoon on instead of studying."

you fumble for words, leaping to your feet and marching into the arcade. "i'm not wasting my saturday afternoon on you! i'm - i'm showing you that i can be fun!"

eunseok just watches you enter the arcade, a dopey expression on his face and he jogs to follow you inside, slinging an arm around you in a casual motion that neither him nor you were expecting.

"you're plenty of fun, y/n. you have nothing to prove." eunseok's voice is soft and sweet above your head, and a little too sincere for you to pass over his words nonchalantly. you step just the slightest bit closer into his embrace, an action that doesn't go unnoticed by him and his grip, previously loose and lax so that you could push him off whenever, grows just the tightest bit stronger.

"that sounds like someone who's scared of getting their ass kicked in dance dance revolution."

"oh hell no. you're on, miss school topper."

+++

as much as you hate to admit it, you have an incredible time with eunseok at the arcade. although you don't live up to your own expectations of your performance at arcade games (you chalk it up to lack of practice), eunseok exceeds your expectations.

even games that he says that he's never attempted before come to him easily, and he beats you at every single one of them, even with handicaps such as shooting with one hand for the basketball game or closing his eyes and playing whack a mole.

it's somewhat damaging to your street cred (not that you were banking on any street cred, to be honest) but eunseok manages soothe your ego by winning you three plushies at the claw machine (which he was also good at; you were starting to think that he was ai). two of them were matching so you hand him one of them, saying that it could be a good way to remember this afternoon together.

"i don't think i forget this afternoon," eunseok says when you hand him the plushie.

"hm?" you ask, somewhat distracted by the cute plushies in your arms.

"nothing," he says, rubbing the back of his neck. "what do you say we go get some coffee? there's a really nice café nearby here."

"oh yeah, lets go. i love memories café; i study there all the time," you say, hugging the plushies to your chest.

"really? one of my friends works there! you should've told me before; i would've gotten you free coffee this whole time," eunseok exclaims, waving goodbye to the arcade employee that he'd become rather familiar with after all his visits to their establishment. the employee points to you subtly and gives him a thumbs up to indicate her approval of eunseok's type, and he just fake bows in agreement, walking out the arcade with a silly smile.

"which one? the tall one? i forget his name but he's pretty popular on campus, isn't he?" you say, your voice growing unsure as you try to place him in your memory.

"sungchan?" eunseok asks darkly, a troubled expression on his face. "yeah, he's pretty popular. for being pretty. and popular. and good at a lot of stuff."

"yeah, sungchan! he's the one who works there, isn't he? yizhuo always drags me to go when he's working because she thinks he's cute," you say before turning to eunseok with a gasp. "don't tell anyone i told you that! god, i can't believe i let that slip!"

eunseok chokes out a laugh, shaking his head. "i won't tell anyone, trust me. but, uh, do you think that he's cute? i mean you come to café pretty often right? is it because...because you think he's cute?"

you frown, trying to conjure his face in your mind before shrugging. "nah. i mean i see why people think he's cute but he's not really my type."

eunseok's heart leaps for joy before stopping at the end of your sentence. "uh, you have a type?"

he opens the door to the café for you when you reach it. you enter it, mumbling a quick thanks as you brush past him.

"sure. which teenage girl doesn't?" you quip, not even bothering to read the menu, already sure of what you were going to get.

eunseok scans the café, before groaning internally as his eyes land on his co-captain, flashing sweet smiles to every person that steps up to the register, never failing to make them swoon.

"care to share?" eunseok asks, shielding you from sungchan, wanting to prevent the clash for as long as possible.

"only if you do," you retort, and eunseok's stuck between figuring out how to keep you from seeing sungchan (or realistically, sungchan from seeing you) and how to tell you that you were his type, without actually saying your name.

he's saved and damned at the same time when sungchan calls out his name, and you peek around eunseok's body to see sungchan standing there in all of his tall, beautiful glory.

"sungchan, hey," eunseok says with a grumble, and you look up at him worriedly. he rushes to fix his tone, not wanting you to think that he was a salty or shitty friend.

"i see you've brought a friend," sungchan says smugly, and he extends his hand over the counter for you to shake. "hi! i'm sungchan, eunseok's co-captain."

you accept his hand, shaking it politely. "nice to meet you. eunseok's talked you up a lot. i'm y/n, by the way."

sungchan's eyes dart to eunseok at the mention of his praise, who's still brooding slightly, with a slight smile on his face. "trust me, there's no person at our school who doesn't know our resident number one academic. you haven't given up the throne since the day you stepped in our school."

you blush, trying to shrug casually. "i'm just really lucky to have the opportunities i do."

"intelligent, humble, and beautiful? how'd you get a girl like this to give you the time of day, seok-ie?" sungchan says, and it's like rubbing salt in the wound. sungchan is joking, and eunseok logically knows that he is just teasing him for finally working up the courage to ask you out three years after he developed feelings for you. but for some reason, the sweet smile on your face directed at sungchan instead of him made him upset.

"trust me, i have no clue either. she's pretty much perfect, isn't she?" eunseok says finally, and the sheer sincerity in his voice is enough for you to rip your gaze away from sungchan and to eunseok, who's looking at you with honey dripping from his eyes.

the sweetness in his eyes makes your heart race for some reason and you clear your throat, unable to turn away from eunseok for a good couple seconds before looking at the menu behind sungchan's head.

"well, uh, could i get a vanilla latte please? hot, not iced," you say, hating the quirk in your voice. eunseok's gaze is heavy on your face and he can barely find it in himself to turn away, ordering the same thing as you.

sungchan smirks, entering the order as his eyes dart between you and eunseok, both standing less than a foot apart but unable to look at each other.

"alright. i'll bring it over to your table, then. pro tip, the second floor has the best spot to watch the sunset in thirty minutes," sungchan says. eunseok nods in thanks, pulling out his wallet to offer sungchan a ten thousand won bill to cover your coffee and his own but sungchan just waves him away.

"today's coffee is on me. for the momentous occasion of song eunseok going on a date for the first time in his life," sungchan says and your head whips to see eunseok's reaction.

this was his first date? you think. but he's so popular! and so handsome...how has no one asked him out before?

almost as though sungchan can read your mind, he responds for eunseok. "he's been asked out so many times but he insisted that he was waiting for the one."

sungchan's words barely register in your mind, and your thoughts are still racing when eunseok guides you upstairs and to the table that sungchan had suggested.

"you've been waiting for the one?" you ask with an incredulous tone and eunseok tries his best to play it off casually.

"sungchan just says whatever. it's mostly because i didn't have the time," eunseok explains. and because none of the people who asked me out were you, he thinks, but doesn't voice aloud.

"hm. honestly, before you asked me out, i kinda thought i was going to die single," you admit after a couple moments of silence.

"why would you think that? we're only eighteen! and besides, you're smart, talented at violin, beautiful, and a bunch of other things i can't think of right now. anyone would be lucky to date you," eunseok says indignantly and you smile, but it doesn't quite reach your eyes.

"if i'm being honest with you, it's all just to cover up my own insecurities. in middle school, i wasn't that smart and i didn't really care about my grades. i had a crush on this kid - i think his name was shotaro? - but he didn't really notice me. i wasn't the smartest kid in the grade, or the prettiest one, or even rich enough to dress up nicely and wear the things i wanted to.

"i don't think he actually cared about any of that stuff but my own insecurities sabotaged me enough to convince myself that he wanted nothing to do with me because i wasn't good enough. so i threw myself into everything i could. violin, academics, working out - everything. i started getting quieter and quieter because i thought that no one would want to listen to what i had to say.

"and the more i did things like that, the more i got used to being like that. i got used to being alone and focusing on my academics and stuff. even minjeong and yizhuo have always been closer to each other than they have been to me. they do fun things without me and that's mostly my fault because i never truly let them in but i don't know. it's hard to remind myself that people want to be my friend.

"especially because everyone thinks that all i think about is stuff like my studies and violin. it's hard to have fun and make memories when there's no one to make memories with. i just wish that i could have days like this, where i go out and have fun and do the things i want to with someone who wants to make memories with me."

you sigh, brushing away the tears that had welled up in your eyes as you had spoke. eunseok is silent the whole time and you finally come to your senses, rushing to lean forward in your chair and explain your sudden outburst of emotions.

"i'm so sorry for talking your ear off! i have no clue what my problem is; i promise i'm not usually so full of myself. i don't know why i'm talking about myself so much - "

eunseok doesn't let you finish. before your brain can even process, eunseok's lips are on your cheek, and your entire body just freezes.

and before you can understand what's happening, eunseok's back in his chair, looking at you as if you were the one who had kissed him, rather than vice versa.

"sorry! i just - i didn't mean to kiss you without your consent. i'm sorry. i just really don't want you to continue berating yourself," eunseok says. "i really like you and it really sucks to know that the one person that you like the most - the person that you wish nothing but the best for - doesn't like themself nearly as much as you do."

he leans forward in his chair, turning his head so that his cheek was facing you.

"you should slap me. i can take it! i deserve it, anyway," eunseok says, squeezing his eyes shut when he feels a breeze descend on his cheek. but instead of the stinging of a slap, it feels as though a soft pillow has touched his cheek.

eunseok opens his eyes to see you leaning over the table to press your lips to his cheek and in his shock, he turns his head and suddenly his lips are on yours and you're kissing in this café.

it's like fireworks explode in eunseok's body, especially when you raise your hand to touch his cheek gently before pulling away, eunseok resting his forehead against yours.

"this is cute and all but do you mind doing this at home? i'm gonna lose my job and maybe my lunch if i have to watch this any longer," says sungchan's smug voice from behind eunseok, and the two of you leap backwards into your respective chairs.

"sorry man," eunseok manages to choke out, and you just hide your face in your hands, too embarrassed to look up.

"don't mind me," sungchan quips, setting down the two cups of coffee and retreating down the stairs, shoulders shaking from trying to hide his laughs.

"this is going to be all over school, isn't it?" you groan, your head letting a resounding thunk when you collapse against the table. eunseok gets up to hunt down and sungchan and swear (read: threaten) him to secrecy but you reach out, catching eunseok's sleeve.

you let go when eunseok stops to look at you, a hot flush on your cheeks. "i don't mind it, honestly. i mean, i was never expecting my first relationship to be such a public one but there's no sense in hiding things right?"

"wait, wait, wait. we're in a relationship? that you're okay with being public with?" eunseok says, and he can see you visibly debate back-peddling and taking back your statement or going forward with conviction.

it seems that you've chosen full throttle when you cross your arms over your chest, leaning on the table. "isn't that what you want too? a relationship? i'm assuming that you wouldn't kiss me if you didn't want me to be something more than a friend to you and i wouldn't kiss you if i wasn't open to exploring being that something more."

eunseok feels as though he's on cloud nine, slinking back into his chair with the satisfaction of a cat with a bowl of cream.

"trust me, there's nothing that i want more than that."

+++

as the two of you had expected, the school is quick to catch onto the budding relationship between you and eunseok and quite frankly, it feels refreshing for you to be associated with something other than excelling your academics.

eunseok breathes fresh air into your life just by his mere presence. he coerces you into coming to his soccer matches, never failing to run into the bleachers to scoop you up in his arms and kiss you like you're the only two people in the world.

the news of the resident ms. brain and mr. brawn dating had spread like wildfire, and an instagram post with eunseok spinning you and kissing you after winning the seoul championships garners over four hundred thousand views, your romance going viral. so viral, in fact, that someone had created an instagram account just to document your relationship - the account had over three thousand followers, as of the last time you checked.

you'd initially thought that the attention that your relationship spun up would cause issues between the two of you but more than anything, it caused you to work through any issues that came up with communication and healthy relationship counseling (sungchan flirting with you until eunseok finally got off his ass and apologized after fucking up - only whenever fights were about stupid things that either of you were too proud to give in about).

and just like that, months passed by within the blink of an eye. the instagram account (you're somewhat sure that park wonbin and kim minjeong were running the account from sheer amount of footage from close up the instagram page featured) posted a video of eunseok playing insanely well at a match after one of the times that sungchan had been called in reinforcements.

eunseok's dream college had extended a soccer scholarship, and he'd committed within twenty fours of receiving the offer and soon after, you committed to the same college.

when various people, eunseok included, asked you why you'd chosen to go to the same school as eunseok, rather than a bigger or more prestigious school (although this school was still top six in the nation), you'd just smiled and leaned into eunseok's embrace.

"i can study and do well anywhere. i can't make memories to cherish and share for the rest of my life if i go anywhere else." is all you say to everyone who asked and eunseok thanks his lucky stars that he'd kissed you that day in the café to be able to hold you and talk about a future with the two of you like this.

and just as fast the last couple months had passed by, a full ten years pass by. the ten years are filled with moments of happiness and sadness, laughs and tears, but filled with life that you wouldn't trade for the world.

and when you and eunseok walk together to the high school reunion held at someone's restaurant, hand in hand, looking the same as you had as stupidly in love teenagers ten years ago, next to no one is suprised.

"look who it is! it's mrs. brawn and mr. brain now," someone calls out, causing all of your classmates to erupt into laughter. the both of you just look at each other and smile, flagging down where sungchan and minjeong are sitting and taking your own seats next to them.

"by the way, eunseok, how'd you get our resident genius to go out with you anyway? or even fall in love hard enough to go to the same college as you?" someone you don't really recognize asks from the other side of the restaurant and the entire restaurant buzzes with excitement, waiting for eunseok's answer.

eunseok smiles and exchanges a look with sungchan, a teasing glint in his eyes. "let's just say that sungchan isn't allowed within ten feet of my wife."

and with that, the restaurant breaks out into cheers and laughter, everyone returning to their conversation, the attention turning to the most eligible bachelor of their grade, jung sungchan.

minjeong leans over to whisper in your ear. "it's a good thing you had a private wedding; i bet half of these people don't know that sungchan was eunseok's best man."

you shrug, laughing freely with everyone else. "half of these people also don't know that you and sungchan have been dating for the past three years."

eunseok's wedding band flashes under the light as he raises his glass to toast to the 'inside joke' that the four of you shared, clinking his beer with the three of you.

"to the bambi boy and the winter girl!"

"to mr. brawn and mrs. brain!"

"i can't believe i graduated from ms. brain to mrs. brain."

"and i can't believe that you and eunseok have been together for eleven years instead of fourteen because eunseok was too much of a pussy to ask you out when he started liking you."

"JUNG SUNGCHAN, I'M GOING TO FLAY YOU!"

"don't skin my fiancé please. you can do whatever you want after the wedding."

"i can't believe my fiancé hates me this much."

"i can't believe these people are our friends."

"i can't believe i finally scored mrs. brain."

[asuyaka]

Eyyy it's been a while since I've requested anything, and since I'm back to my JJK brain rot how about a good old request for my favorite dead divorced gay couple?(how are we copin', manga readers?)

So idk if you've ever seen or heard of the "Missing Halloween" animation on YouTube, BUT--

What if satosugu found out that Reader(who they were very close with) was actually the spirit of an past special grade student that died in a mission by the hands of curse users (maybe they raided the school or something, idk it's like- 1AM in here my brain will not remember all the shit that happens in the JJK lore to make a coherent plot point) and now just roams around near the school, and that explains why everyone just seemingly ignored Reader's presence completely and gave the three weird looks whenever they hung out together. Also I like to think that these two idiots found out about reader's situation after fooling around during detention and accidentally tripping on some dusty old boxes that had some old stuff in it, finding one of those group school year pics from when Yaba was the boys' age and Reader was also in the pic from when they were still alive.

In much simpler words, Satosugu x ghost!reader that they didn't knew was a ghost until they found a picture of Reader's academic years.

-🌈, Anon.

★ - JJK brainrot 's so real f' me too !! (Satosugu once 'm get m grubby lil hands on you... >:(( )

☆ - Satosugu x Ghost! Reader !!

♡ - 's nice ta see you again, 🌈 nony !! ヾ(^▽^*))) hope you're doin' well <33 (´｡• ᵕ •｡`) ♡ | 'm have seen Missing Halloween! made me s'sad (◞‸◟；) but s sooo bittersweet! m nota huuugee animation fan, but Missing Halloween 's one of m favs! (๑≧▽≦)

Being a ghost is interesting, to put it simply.

You get to see things you never got the chance to when you were alive, like the top of Mount Fuji and the vast streets of Shibuya. Sure, you missed what it was like to eat your favorite food or speak to people, but it's the price you have to pay for your naivety.

You thought you'd be alone, wandering the hallways of Jujutsu High forever until they came.

Geto Suguru and Gojo Satoru.

The strongest sorcerers in the modern era.

Shock is an emotion you haven't felt since your death, but you feel it again when you notice that those two can not only see but touch you.

It's an odd feeling. Having someone touch your skin after years (it's only been two) of being dead. Weird, but nice.

"Suguru, back me up here!" Satoru whines, holding his friend by his shoulders and shaking him back and forth.

You and Satoru were arguing about which ice cream flavor was the best. Granted, you haven't had ice cream —or any food for that matter— in a long time, but there was no way you would let Satoru get away with saying Birthday Cake.

"This is your argument, and I like Vanilla." Suguru shrugs and the betrayed look on Satoru's face causes you to giggle.

Satoru turns to face you, chest out and voice boisterous. "Well, [Name], since we can't agree, I guess that means we'll have to go to an ice cream store to find out!

Suguru's face turns blank. "Where in that argument did going to an ice cream place happen?"

"Right now, duh." You huff, rolling your eyes dramatically.

"No, guys, I don't have money, and I'm not taking you dumbasses to an ice cream place at this hour." Suguru's voice is stern; like there's no room for back-and-forth bickering.

You three were now at a small ice cream shop a few minutes away from Jujutsu High.

You tried not to talk to Suguru and Satoru much, so to bystanders it wouldn't look like they were talking to literal air, but they didn't get the hint and kept talking to you anyway.

Sometimes you wonder if they even know you're a ghost.

The way Satoru uses you as a headrest (you're putting spiders in his bed tonight) and how Suguru tends to maintain eye contact when he talks to you (earning a couple of odd stares from some in the store), you’re 99.9% sure they think you’re a real person.

Which you are, obviously, but you’re only technically real to them. Why that is, you aren’t exactly sure yourself.

Before you three get to the counter, you make up a fake excuse of having to use the bathroom. You tell them the flavor you want, make sure Satoru doesn’t do anything weird, and order the flavor with the most sugar (you aren’t 100% sure if you can even eat but it’s worth trying) before you excuse yourself. 

You make your way to the roof, sitting on the edge and looking out into the city. It’s calming. 

You’ve always enjoyed how relaxing it was to be able to see people going about their lives, the soft breeze sounding through your ears accompanied by the smell of ice cream and bread from nearby stores.

It’s nice. 

From the corner of your eye, you spot Suguru and Satoru sitting at an outside table. They were talking amongst each other as they presumably waited for you, an empty spot only held by a cup of ice cream filled with your favorite flavor.

You drop down at the back of the store, brushing the dust off your body and making your way to where Suguru and Satoru are sitting.

“Jeez! Took you long enough.” Satoru rolls his eyes and immediately starts eating his ice cream. 

Suguru rolls his eyes. His posture is the same as always, a man spread and his arms crossed only breaking whenever he needs to eat his ice cream as well. 

Huffing, you kick Satoru underneath the table. Blowing a raspberry before taking a bite of the ice cream.

Good news, you can eat.

Bad news, you don’t taste a single thing.

Well… they don’t need to know that. They’re having fun, your inability to taste shouldn’t spoil that for them.

“Satoru, Yaga’s going to kill us if he finds us, you know?” Suguru huffs, keeping watch as Satoru looks through the yearbook of past students in Jujutsu High.

“Oh, hush!” Satoru kicks him in the knee, gasping when he finds a book tucked away behind several (thankfully sleeping) cursed corpses.

Satoru grins. “Found one.”

Suguru takes one final glance at the hallway before turning to see what Satoru dragged him here for in the dead of night (or early in the morning depending on the way you look at it).

They flip through the yearbook, snickering when they see what Yaga looked like two years ago. His buzz is shorter — if that’s even possible — but he still has his stone-cold resting face.

They make it to the back of the book, where there’s a special section dedicated to students who died before the year is over.

Really, Satoru was looking for what [Name] looked like when he was younger. He’s suspected you were older than the two of them since he never sees you during school.

“Satoru… is– is that…?” Suguru’s voice is weary as his finger points at a photo of some dude he recognizes.

A boy he recognizes.

It’s your picture, you look the same as you do now. “What’s he doing here? We see him all the time– right Suguru?” 

Suguru pales. “Is that why Shoko calls us crazy? [Name] isn’t alive—”

“Yes, he is!” Satoru almost yells. The book drops from his hands with a thump! small colors of blue peeking out from the bottom of his sunglasses.

“We can touch him, we can see him!” Satoru stomps his foot. “How is that possible if he’s dead, huh?!”

“He might be a cursed sp—”

“Then the curse alarm would’ve sounded!” Satoru’s voice sounds like it’s tethering over an edge. He’s confused– he’s known [Name] for as long as his first year, you, him, and Suguru are inseparable so why can Suguru accept the fact that you’re (supposedly) dead?!

“Let’s ask him then, is that okay?” Suguru puts his hand directly on Satoru’s shoulder, moving his thumb slightly for comfort. 

The albino takes a deep breath to calm himself. He shouldn’t be mad at Suguru, he loves Suguru.

So, he does what Suguru says. He lets Suguru lead the way to where they found you the first time. Close to the artifact warehouse but closer to the forest that surrounds Jujutsu High.

You’re there. Sitting on the grass as you stare longingly at a bird.

The sound of rocks crunching under their feet must give them away because in a second you lock eyes with Suguru, a soft smile on your face.

“Suguru!” Your voice is warm– comforting even. “What are you guys doing here? Aren’t you guys breaking curfew?”

“Are you dead?”

Satoru’s blunt question causes your body to freeze. He sounds angry. Maybe it’s because you didn’t tell them that you were a ghost, and they somehow found out themselves.

You weren’t all that popular when you were alive. You were an adequate sorcerer with mediocre abilities. Nothing that puts you out there– not like the two in front of you anyway.

“Y-Yeah?” You avert your eyes sheepishly. “I mean, I died a few years ago so—”

“Why didn’t you tell us anything?” Satoru cuts you off, the hand still holding Suguru’s tightens slightly.

Why didn’t you tell them? Because they’d stop hanging out with you? Were you scared you’d lose the only people who know you’re still technically here?

Because you’re bound to this school and have only ever left because your attachment somehow shifted to Satoru and Suguru.

Ah, that’s why.

You were scared to be left alone. That’s why every time you could, you’d rush over to where they were. Engage in conversation with them, and do mildly illegal things with them because they make you feel wanted.

“I guess… I was scared you two would stop hanging out with me..?” You let out a laugh even though nothing is funny. “You two are the only people who know I still exist, so I thought if you figured out I was a ghost…”

“— that we’d stop talking to you altogether?” Suguru finishes for you and you can’t help but nod.

“That’s stupid! We fight curses, why do you think being a ghost is going to stop anything?!” Satoru grabs you by the shoulder. You’re sure his grip hurts, but you can’t exactly feel pain anymore.

“Yeah, I know…” Your hand touches Satoru’s forearm. “Now that you know… it doesn’t change anything between us… right?”

The longer the silence stretches the more anxiety swallows you whole. If they stop talking to you or start avoiding you, you aren’t sure what you’ll be bound to.

Maybe that spot by the artifact warehouse. You’ll be forced to stay there– alone, with no one to talk to, no one to make you feel alive.

“Of course, not.” Suguru’s voice is warm, it makes something well up in your eyes.

“Sure, it might be weird since sorcerers can’t see you, but you’re our friend. You just have to promise not to keep life-altering secrets from us. Right, Satoru?”

Satoru huffs, crossing his arms and rolling his eyes. “You owe me, stupid ghost boy!”

A smile stretches across your face and you’re unaware of the warmth rolling down your cheeks. “I’m glad.”

You won’t be alone.

You’ll be able to talk to them, now that they know your biggest secret.

You’ll have Satoru and Suguru, and they’ll have you.

Maybe being dead– or being a ghost isn’t so bad after all.

[thats-sir-dyke-to-you]

Can you elaborate on how experiencing 10/10 pain changed your relationship to pain and how you engage with it? I'm curious about other people's experiences with this.

I would say that its really warped my pain scale. For a long time i would compare all other pain to my 10/10. I nearly broke my ribs once falling off a table (they were quite bruised afterward which hurts just as bad, I've been told), and it was really painful. Hurt to breathe. They gave me morphine. But I would have given it a 3/10 if I was comparing it to my 10/10.

It was only after I learned what the numbers on a pain scale are supposed to represent that I realised I'd been at a 7/10 for years with my chronic pain. I thought because i was able to force myself through school it meant it wasn't that bad.

More than that, I feel like it has made me appreciate pain. I feel like i have an intimate relationship with it, and I know my body on a deeper level almost. When I was in 10/10, I felt like there was no time. It felt like it would never end, and I didn't remember what it felt like to not have it. Pain so intense that there was nothing else in the world except my experience of it.

It feels weird to say, but I'd say it was close to a religious experience? In that hippy dippy way that you get a greater perspective on life and yourself, but like, not in a good way? Like it was awful and legitimately terrifying and there's nothing in the world that would ever make me want to feel that again. Legitimately traumatising. I would have nightmares and flashbacks to experiencing it, and i became terrified at the thought of any injury to my spine -- to the point where I became fearful of leaving the house.

But when i try think back to those moments of being in pain, it's hard to even conceive of it. I can't remember what it felt like. It's like when the audio input is too loud and it blows out the speakers and all you get is garbled static. It's just blank. Nothing but the feeling of noise.

For me, it felt like a bad trip as well, with the way that there was no time. It legitimately felt infinite to me. Like the way that when you do a 30sec wall sit, it's the longest 30sec of your life. Well, that. I know I was only in 10/10 pain for half an hour before I got given something that knocked it down to 9/10 (which was still awful, but .... It wasn't *that*) -- but to me it could have been seconds or years, I could not have told you. I felt suspended in my agony. I felt both inside and separated from my body. I felt dissociated, grounded, and as if i was daydreaming all at once. Like, the experience defies explanations. I never feel like i can get it into words.

After that. I don't know. I was just different. I mean, I couldn't even explain it in any way that did it justice. To say it was "bad" was just incomplete.

But i knew my body better after that. I had become so connected to it after that pain. Didn't really help that ive been in chronic pain since my 10/10, but. Yeah. Im very aware of my body after that.

It's also worth mentioning that to me, the gulf between 9 and 10, feels less like a one number jump, and more like 100x worse. 10/10 just feels like it's designed to psychologically break you. It's your brain deciding to give you the most intense and ruinous experience it can conceive of. It's your danger sense turned up as high as it can physically go.

[firespirited]

A lot has happened and I got the selective mutism again so here's a sleep meds dump.

Effie the cat abandoned by lady two doors down who's having a mental health crisis is currently living in our garden. We were going to rehome her but neighbour complexities mean that she'll be eating at the neighbours house and possibly slowly moving into their garage as their territorial cat adapts. She is a bird killer which annoys M, J who's very allergic has decided to mediate the whole cat business. I still think Effie would have no problem finding a new home but J's vetoed that. So there's a cat outside the window and I might need to build some sort of rainproof shelter soon. Papaye the cat is also back living in the building and two orange young cats moved opposite. Thankfully no fights yet.

I hurt my wrist doing some small crafts and barely any writing. RSIs are horrid. It's been a year. Very annoyed.

On the other hand uh so to speak, four people decide to shop for my dolls this week. Months of nada then 4 at once. I have parted with my preciouses, the baldies (and kept more than enough projects) to a fellow customizer and fully don't care if they get trashed, flipped into $200 customs or sit in a drawer. They're blank canvases that I can't paint. The ideas for the paintings can wait for another time, another scale, maybe even another medium.

I sent my first parcel to the states in ages!!! Will let you know how that goes!

Aaand the money earned on deglued catty noir and a couple of partial/yarn reroots went... straight back into 38 doll heads. I know. I knoooow.

So I had a rough series of days then I struck up conversation with a lady at the phonebox library to ask if she knows who runs it. She didn't know but volunteers at the red cross store in town. It was the kind of conversation that starts out friendly and I knew within a few minutes that if I didn't find a bunch of things to say that she was going to tell me her life story and probably trauma dump (which could be anything from getting older and adapting to empty nest to seriously awful), not sure why I have this effect on people but I do. I filled a awkward lull in conversation about people throwing away items that are still useful by stating that I repair fashion dolls and the enjoyment in making something old new again and learning about various crafts and she really wanted to either commission me for her 18y/o daughter's dolls or hand me the pile she's been keeping from throwing away at the red cross at which point I remembered my neck is borked (!) , i tried to repeatedly back pedal and explain that I'm currently not doing any commissions but ended up mumbling while staring at my feet oddly choked up that 'health has been a serious issue' lately and pretending Lily had pulled on her lead to change the subject. We ended the convo with thanks for her volunteer work and putting books at the phonebox, for the lovely chat, have a nice day etc.

It stuck like a piece of grit in the cogs for a few hours and then I heard we might someday get a vaccine for autoimmune diseases but that's the 15th 'promising' cure in 25 years, they really bum me out. We've been this close so many times before. I want the cure, i want the disabled to have value. I want hope. I want to not feel in debt and at society's mercy 24/7.

Later I was doing my normal ebay check just in case that rare doll drops and made a bid thinking that I probably wouldn't get it. What was in my mind was "dolls are my hobby and expertise - you can't use your shoulders so you don't have a hobby or expertise - i do it's a hiatus - it's been a year and no progress when does it end?" on a sort of quiet background loop of brain nonsense. As you do.

26euro shipped. 38 heads, 30 bodies (2heads and the bodies not pictured), terrible photos but I spied GG Nichelle, anime 90s skipper, Miko, vintage Steffie, Midge and Tutti.

It's an excellent investment if even 2 or 3 end up in decent condition.

It's also 38 steps backwards in the 'destash and stop messing with the shoulders' efforts, right at a point where I'm getting somewhere. You can't be like 'que sera que sera' when you're actively making choices.

IDK I was really hoping for a sign or a way forward and my dr and physio are super passive which is both great because they don't put me in positions where I have to face post exertional malaise by their hands only my own choices but I also do all of my own medical research and bring it to them for approval. I've run out of clues or ideas for my swollen tongue and damaged vertebrae. It makes me feel trapped then stupid happens. No, feeling trapped leads me to choose a thing that will make me feel mastery of crafts and skills and it also comes with a price tag of massive pain.

***Seriously it's small potatoes, some hobby supplies from a hobby I'm crippled at.***

... But it's symptomatic. It's part of a large scale pattern of reclaiming some sense of personal, well not control and probably not usefulness/productivity but something close to usefulness/skills? It's not quite dignity either but there's a little bit of pride in there. I'm not going to ruminate on a year of bad decisions or whether they were the least bad decisions to balance sanity and health. But there's something broken since the pandemic for sure and probably long before that I'm running from. It could even be being raised in the 'purposeful' life mindset (if you know you know)

ok i keep deleting paragraphs and paragraphs of unpacking stuff from my twenties so I'll leave it at that so my brain will allow this. The teal dear of it is that it's awfully hard to just exist without 'contributing' or generating money or cosmic goals I guess. Allowing yourself to be a mote and a blip in the universe sure is difficult.

I wouldn't allow this kind of talk from friends who have innate value to me. Hmm.

It sure was a nice few years getting to make things and I'm finding it hard to imagine a different life despite living it for a year.

__________

Well happy 21st everyone. Feed your skeleton and ear snails some funk today. Don't let the existential bedbugs bite (especially if they're ticks). Wear a mask when around gen pop and take the painkillers, things shouldn't hurt. 💚💚💚

I have a package of heads to look forward to. And a cat outside the window. And some introspection to avoid. 😅

[lexiesdarkthoughts]

Hello. Love your blog, especially your last post. Could you explain a little about his health issue? I think my Dom is going through the same, loss of energy and desire, all that. There's no frustration and anger between us, though, just the desire and energy seem to be less then they used to... If you can and want to share, of course.

Thank you!

Hi there! Thank you for the compliment and reading my blog!

Ahab has two major health problems that I reference, but in the last post was low testosterone. We were in our 30s when this issue started up, so low T was a very surprising diagnosis. His numbers are abnormally low, for which, we still don't have a reason as to why.

Long story short, there are noticeable symptoms besides the very obvious lack of ability in the bedroom. From my view point, when we first started going through this, he was constantly exhausted, not sleeping well, and never had any energy. It was very difficult for him to put his thoughts together. It's almost like his brain wasn't firing on all cylinders. Simple tasks became complicated because his fine motor skills became clumsy. He was also very irritable. Not in a mean sense, but if simple things didn't go right, he would be overly irritated about it to the point I didn't understand why it was that big a deal. There was also a very noticeable distance from me physically, mentally, and emotionally.

Once we got the diagnosis and started him on artificial testosterone, even he realized just how bad it had gotten. In his words, "I loved you. You were my wife, but I felt no desire. No want. I couldn't understand it and that just made it worse. Now it feels like my brain is operational again." A good example: Ahab is so wonderfully good at dirty talk when we're having sex. He literally can't do it when his testosterone is low. He says he can't even string together the words.

I will warn you though, if you suspect this is what your Dom is going through, get a good doctor/urologist. Research the doctor before hand. Ask questions. We were unfortunate that we did not get a good urologist when we started down this road. We were not warned of all the side effects that come along with being on artificial testosterone. We had done research ourselves, but apparently not enough. We were trying to get pregnant for some time after he started the testosterone. It turns out prolonged use of artificial testosterone makes you sterile. There are also issues that increase red blood cell counts with prolonged use. There are times Ahab has to come off the testosterone to level out his blood counts. It's surprising how fast he goes from being 'normal' to feeling the effects of the low T.

There are a lot of therapy options out there for this. We chose to do biweekly injections due to the fact that we were trying to have a child. There are gel options, but they are very expensive, even with health insurance in the USA because the insurance companies view these treatments as optional. Also, because we were trying to get pregnant at that time, if I had been exposed to any gel on his body, it would have put any unborn child at risk. It flat out isn't safe for a pregnant woman to be exposed to artificial testosterone.

I'm sorry my answer is such a long one, but I don't want anyone to have to deal with the ramifications the way we did. Could Ahab go off the testosterone long enough to try and get pregnant? Sure. However, it takes at minimum a year, but usually longer, for the body to stop shooting blanks. There is no guarantee that the body would reverse that either. I decided that having my husband be himself is more important. It always hurts me when he's off the testosterone because I see how much he struggles to just get through the day. It's also much better for our relationship.

Please feel free to DM me off anon if you'd like to talk more. I'm always happy to share my experience and most of all, listen. :)

[lovevalley45]

let me tell u man i’ve always kinda seen zari as having adhd

like the first time smth really struck a chord with me was in ‘the good, the bad, and the cuddly’ when she says ‘you telling us to focus is making it harder to focus’ and that is like the biggest mood

other times i’ve had that feeling is in ‘heyworld’ and she’s pacing n kinda playing with her fingers while they’re trying to come up with an idea, her being like (and i say this in the nicest way possible) kinda spacey during ‘terms of service’, another example in the s3 finale is when she’s working on the program to find new totem bearers. even with that lil spiky ball in sara’s office bc those are all things i could relate to

idek if this makes sense but yeah. zari has adhd i’m sorry i don’t make the rules

[charliedawn]

Imagine being Spike's closest friend/advisor in love with him and him being completely oblivious about it

" Spike ! Where are you ?! We need to talk to you !"

You find the vampire in his crypt, his eyebrows barely raised in surprise.

" Y/N. Buffy. What a surprise ? So, what can I do for you on this fine evening ?"

He says with a small sarcastic smile. Buffy rolls her eyes and sits in front of him with her arms crossed.

" We need your help."

Suddenly, his eyes lit up in curiosity and the corners of his lips raise up a notch.

" The hunters want my help ? Well..Isn't that good news ?! Oh goodie ! I get it that my head gets to stay attached to my body another day.."

You sigh, not because of his sarcastic answer you had grown accustomed to, but because you know that deep down ? He is truly excited. His brain already calculating how to turn this situation to his advantage.

" So, what's the job ? Vampires ? Demons ? Witches ?.."

He asks with the back of his head resting on his hands and waiting for Buffy or you to spill the beans.

" Vampires. In your territory. We know you've been hiding some of them.."

Buffy cuts straight to the point and Spike arks an eyebrow, smiling innocently.

" Sorry. Can't help you. I don't know what you're talking about..Maybe you got the wrong vampire for once ?"

Buffy raises an eyebrow as well before crossing her arms on her chest expectantly.

" Blond ? Spiky hair ? Dark and brooding ? Nah. I think we got the right one. Now, where are they hidden ? Spill it out, or you get the stake."

She gets her stake out to show that she is serious, but Spike only chuckles as he stands up to look down at the slayer, his shirt barely protecting his ribcage frown the sharp end of the stake.

" Is that a threat or a promise ?"

You can see that Buffy is biting her lower lip, she is actually tempted to ask Spike for a moment after this..But then her eyes fall on you, and she knows that she can't do it. Not now. Not when she knows that you've fallen for him. Spike and her have passion, he is amazing in bed of course..but what you feel for him, it makes her think of what she feels for Angel. She can't do it. She takes a step back, but it's Spike that takes a step forward to whisper seductively in her ear.

" What do you say, if I help you, you give me a kiss ?"

You grit your teeths and finally snap, you take him by the shoulder to spin him around and punch him in the face. His eyes widen significantly in shock as he doesn't understand. You realize too late what you've done and take a couple of steps backwards before apologizing.

" I..I'm sorry. I need to go."

You run outside of his crypt and Spike turns towards Buffy for an explanation.

" What's gotten into her ?!"

Buffy sighs loudly in exasperation before answering the question of the perplexed vampire.

" You're an idiot, Spike. She likes you."

Spike doesn't seem to understand and frowns before repeating incredulously.

" She..She what ?"

Buffy pinches the bridge of her nose between her index and thumb, wondering how the vampire could be so daft sometimes.

" She. Loves. You. Spike."

She finally says. But, the vampire only blanks out for a moment before stammering again, wondering if he heard her right.

" I..I beg you pardon ? Her ? Me ? No. Can't be."

He shakes his head negatively and Buffy rolls her eyes before taking him by his black coat to push him forward.

" Go talk to her, you idiot ! Before you lose her !"

He is about to go when Buffy sighs again as he seems lost. She grabs his arm and asks him with a worried frown.

" Wait. What are you going to do ?"

He shrugs before getting out of her grip and replying with a small provocative smile.

" I'm gonna do what I shoulda done in the first place: I'll find her, wherever she is, tie her up, torture her until she likes me again."

Buffy's eyes widen, but before she could stop him, he's already gone. She only humphs disapprovingly before crossing her arms again.

" Don't blow it, Spike.."

She mutters before turning around to go search for the rest of the hidden vampires on her own.

You are running with glassy eyes, filled with tears. You know that your action was rash, impulsive..You can't even explain why you had acted like that. It wasn't you. You continue to run aimlessly and blindly through the tombstones until you hit something and fall backwards. When you open your eyes again, you see that you had collided with a man, a vampire to be exact, that smiles evilly as he looks down at you.

" Well well..Dinner is served it seems."

You look around frantically for your stake, but just as you are about to grab it, the vampire spots it first and stomps on it, breaking it in two. He then grabs you by the throat and seems amused by your attempts to breathe. You try to wiggle out of his grip and scream, but he covers your mouth and laughs darkly as he recognizes you.

" And not any dinner..A hunter at that..I've seen you run around with the other slayer in and out of Spike's crypt. Where are your friends now, slayer ?"

You feel your heart quicken as he opens his mouth wide. You close your eyes, but then a familiar voice interrupts the moment.

" Turn around."

The vampire has just the time to turn around that Spike stakes him. You hear his scream, but are too tired to open your eyes. Spike is by your side in a minute and carries you in his arms.

" Hey ! Stay with me, slayer ! You hear me !"

His voice is the last thing you hear before blacking out. Spike carries you back to the Summer household where Buffy quickly takes care of you. He wants to stay by your side, but Buffy gives him a stern look.

" Don't you dare, Spike. You are not welcomed in this house. This is all your fault. I don't want to see you ever again."

She slams the door in his face and her words sting him deeply, more than he cares to admit. But, he understands her anger and turns around to return to his graveyard. However, he lets out a shaky sigh first before looking up at your bedroom window. He can't even count the times you had opened your window for him, even when you knew how dangerous and unstable he was. Spike doesn't have any friends. But, if he could call someone that ? It would certainly be you.

The moment you wake up, you look around to see that night has fallen and Buffy is nowhere to be found. You don't wait for her before grabbing your vampire hunting gear and running outside to find Spike. You know that Buffy is going to be mad at you for meeting with him, but you have to tell him. Tell him that it wasn't his fault. Tell him that you had acted without thinking. Tell him that he is the only person who makes you laugh and brings a smile to your face when you're having a bad day. Tell him..Tell him..You have all those memories that suddenly come to you, memories of when Spike knew exactly when you needed to be cheered up and would stand in front of your window until you would allow him in. Memories of when he had scared the hell out of Buffy and Angel when paying you a visit and making them think that he was going to suck your mom's blood, only for you to intervene and save him..Memories that should be enough, enough for you to let go of him. Unfortunately, it only makes things worse, having to tell yourself every single day that what you are feeling is only a small crush, that it would go with time, only to come back stronger than ever every single time your eyes meet his. You finally get to the graveyard and stop when you see him, leaning against the door of his crypt, smoking, as if waiting for you.

He doesn't move, even though he heard you approach, and throws you one of his half-hooded glances that always makes your heart beat faster. That burning gaze, but so cold at the same time..Intense and sad, so very sad. You feel goosebumps forming on your skin at the simple eye-contact, and you haven't even spoken a word yet. Eventually, he smirks knowingly at you before throwing his cigaret to the ground and stomping on it.

" What do you want, newbie ? You came to check on me for Buffy ? Well, you can tell the slayer that I am still as dead as the day we met..Also, glad to see that you're still breathing. Not that I cared, but I wouldn't want the slayer to come knocking on my door, yelling how I killed her best friend."

He says with a mocking grin, but you're no fool. You see this gleam of hope in his eyes, hope that the other slayer is finally acknowledging him as a potential ally. Maybe knowing that Buffy is finally seeing in him someone dangerous enough to be looked after would mean that she would finally come knocking at his door with more than threats and insults ? Maybe she would even grow to like him ? Maybe..But, you know that it is only a dream. She would never love him. Ever. And no matter how dangerous or important he becomes, she would never consider him as anything but a threat, a nuisance. Sad. Especially since you know that he is a good man, but with a high taste for women that would never feel the same about him..

You sigh and answer with a small smile translating pity.

" No. I need your help."

He smiles, but you can still see the deception in his eyes.

" I see..And I guess that the slayer doesn't know you came here, does she ?"

You shake your head negatively and he sighs before leaning against a nearby tombstone.

" Fine. Tell me. Why would I help you ? Besides my usual loving kindness ?"

He sneers, but his eyes translate a certain curiosity as to why indeed you would set foot in his graveyard in the middle of the night. You walk forward until your noses nearly touch, your face a few inches away from him. Even if Spike can't breathe anymore, hasn't been able to for a long time, he can still feel his heart stop in his ribcage at your sudden closeness.

" W..What are you..?"

He starts, but is cut off by you slowly raising your hands on each side of his face. He closes his mouth in surprise and doesn't dare move, even when you lay your forehead against his.

" Here's what I want your help with, Spike. I want you to be happy, Spike. I don't care if you are a vampire, a demon, a monster..You stay someone who the Summer family learned to appreciate more than you know..You've helped them countless of times, more than anyone. Now, it's your turn. Let me help you. You need to concentrate on yourself. And I don't mean the emotionless cruel monstrous vampire with a tendency to speak in sarcasm, but Spike, the romantic poet, the sensitive artist, the one who speaks with his senses and who used to know how to see beauty everywhere.."

You trace your fingertips along the interior of his forearms, his biceps, his neck and end your path on his cheeks. You then see something akin sadness in his eyes. He's shaking and raises his own hands to take yours. He's finally letting his true emotions out and looks up at you with all the misery he feels painted in his beautiful dark eyes. And you smile, knowing that it is the true Spike that you are now facing..

" Here he is. The true Spike..William."

You say while tenderly stroking his cheek. However, he suddenly kneels on the ground, his head hanging low as he cries out.

" She'll never love me like this ! She loves the other me. The bad guy. The heartless vampire. The monster that makes her feel in danger and who is useful to her ! I have no choice. Otherwise, she would have discarded of me a long time ago..She wouldn't even have spared me a second glance before staking my heart !..Not that she hasn't already.."

You look at him with eyes full of sadness before kneeling in front of him. You then force him to look up at you and say without an ounce of hesitation.

" Then, she is the monster."

His eyes widen at your words and you grab him by the arms to force him to stand up with you as you explain.

" Think about it. She is killing someone by preventing you to be yourself. She's killing William, only leaving Spike. At the end, she would have stolen your heart and your life. Let's face it, Buffy will kill you if you are willing to give her everything you are. The true question is, will you let her when the time comes, or will you fight ?"

He clenches his jaw as he stares at you, wondering why you would be so determined for him to live ? Could what Buffy said be true ? He shakes his head..No. It couldn't be. He finally answers you with a sorrowful resolution.

" What is the point of living if love isn't there ?"

You suddenly frown and to his utter surprise, slap him. It takes a while for him to get over his shock, you take the opportunity to shake his ideas straight. You wouldn't let him die.

" Don't you ever say that again ! Ever ! Don't say such nonsense ! You've already fallen in love before, Spike. Three times. And you'll fall in love again ! Again and again ! You'll continue until you finally meet someone that will finally understand how extraordinary you are and how lucky they are to have you ! One day, you will get our of that grim graveyard and that day, you'll see Buffy for who she really is ! Just another woman that couldn't see the luck she had to have you ! Tall, handsome, downright dreamy guy with amazing hair !.."

He laughs at that last part and you smile, at least you could still make him laugh.

"..But you have to stop wanting to put an end to your life just because she was not the right one !"

Suddenly, Spike loses his smile and glares up at you before standing up and shouting angrily.

" When ?! Huh ?! When will I meet that miraculous person that will make my miserable life a bliss ?! I only fall in love with destructive women, cruel and manipulative temptresses ! Women that only use me or make me want to throw myself off a bridge ! I only know the dark chaotic love, the kind that makes you drown with the goddamn ship !"

His breathing quickens as he tells you his grief and curse. You wait patiently until he is finished before finally replying.

" Then, let's do it together."

Spike doesn't understand at first, he frowns in incomprehension at you while you intertwine your fingers with a smile, even with the tears that are rolling down your cheeks.

" Let's jump from a bridge together. Let's drown together. Let's die together if that's the price for you to love me.."

Spike finally understands and looks up at you with something new, close to pity but also linked with self-hatred for letting himself be moved by you, out of all people. He wanted Buffy to be here, saying those words..and yet, he can't help but be helpless as you utter those words, he wants to believe them so bad..but he can't. He knows you. He knows that you would do anything to help him, even pretend loving him. He wants to step back, run maybe..but you don't let him go. You would never let him go when you know that he may never come back..You insist, taking a step further towards him so he can see the determination in your eyes.

" Since neither of us will ever find love or peace. And since you have the firm intention to put an end to it all. Then let's do it together. This way, I'll stop waking up in the middle of the night, sweating and panting with only one thought: Is he okay ? That way, I won't have to stop myself from killing Buffy every time she tells me how much of an idiot Spike is to think she would ever love him. Or rush to warn you each time she says she's going to kill you..I want to stop loving you, Spike ! At least you are lucky to be able to live long enough to forget them or to find other soulmates out there ! Me ? I'm only human. I only have one chance. And turns out, he'll never be mine ! And I will never meet another one in my life ! So, be happy to be immortal and stop saying that you'll end your life ! Because I will never have peace until I know that you are going to keep living ! So, let's jump ! I have a stake, you have your inhuman strength. Tore me to pieces, break my neck, rip my heart right out of my chest..If I can't have you, and you can't have the one you want. If we can't love. Then, at least, let me die with you. I won't be able to live without you. So, please, let me help you..and help myself at the same time."

You sob and grab his hand to put it over your heart, so he can rip it from your ribcage if he so wishes. You are so upset that you don't feel his fingers closing on yours. When you raise your face with determination to tell him that you wouldn't let him die, you see him smiling: not his usual cold, sarcastic or mischievous smile. A genuine smile. One that thrills you and that makes you want to smile back. But what happens next is even better. He kisses you. He kisses you tenderly, a chaste kiss. He doesn't kiss you like Buffy, where the kiss is brutal, violent or even beastly, but a patient and soft velvety kiss. When he pulls away, you feel giddy and light-headed. You feel your cheeks warm up and your smile couldn't grow any wider. And Spike ? He softly laughs before smiling too and gently stroking your cheek.

" Six.."

He says in such a low voice that you nearly miss it.

" What ?"

He looks up at you and gives you a boyish grin.

" I fell in love six times. Not three. You forgot when I was still human.."

You know he is teasing you, but you still elbow him, which earns you a small chuckle.

" Womanizer.."

You finally call him and he gently wraps his arms around you before whispering near your ear almost sadly.

" But you're the only one who ever loved me back.."

You sigh before leaning against him. You stay like that for a while, until Spike asks.

" Could you please say it ?"

" Say what ?"

" You know.."

He seems almost embarrassed to ask and you finally understand.

" I'm always the one who says it first, and since I'm normally the only one who says it at the end..I would like to hear it first. Please."

" I love you."

You says with not an ounce of hesitation and he stares at you with deep black eyes and smiles, his eyes creasing enough to make some little wrinkles appear at the corner of his eyes. He's so happy that he asks you to repeat.

" I love you. I love you. I love you..And I'll say it again and again until you'll be tired of hearing it."

He tilts his head to kiss you again, and it's so true and beautiful that he asks himself how it's possible to be this happy ? Is that love ? The love that doesn't destroy but creates ? If it is, he wants it now and forever. He continues to kiss you and refuses to let go until morning. At last, Spike the Bloody and William the poet are both satisfied.

[astro-rain]

delicate; b.barnes

chapter sixteen — “aftermath”

delicate masterlist

word count: 1.5k

synopsis: steve finds bucky a bit stressed and acting (only slightly) neurotic. he aims to uncover the source of his best friend’s conflict... and he’s not surprised at the answer.

pairings: bucky barnes x fem!reader

[A/N:] ‘doll dizzy’ is 40’s slang for “a boy who is crazy about girls” also this is kind of a filler chapter, sorry :(

The walk back to his living quarters was hazy and slow. His mind went back and forth from scattered to blank, in complete disbelief that what just happened happened. It was surreal; it almost felt like it didn't happen.

It wasn't... supposed to happen. They were supposed to be friends. Conceptually he knew this, but then she was there and she was so close and her hands were on him and she was saying such sweet, gentle things.

Briefly, so Bucky touched his lips lightly with the pads of his index and middle finger. If he focused hard enough, he could still feel it, feel her. Before he could dig himself another grave, the rational part of his brain yanked him back to reality.

Did he ruin everything? After all, it was him that leaned in this time. How different would they be from the last time the two of them got too close? The rumination would've continued, but the voice of a blonde super soldier interrupted his thoughts.

"Buck, you day drinkin' now?" Steve called, jokingly.

"What?"

"You look drunk."

Post fuck up delirium? He bet he looked like an idiot. To be honest, he felt a little inebriated after what he just experienced.

"I can't get drunk."

"Yeah, that's why I'm confused."

"I just..." he trailed off, thinking of an excuse, "was on a run. That's all."

As Bucky walked up to him, he could more clearly see the confusion on Steve's face.

"In those clothes?"

"...yes."

"Whatever you say, pal..."

Bucky didn't have time for so many questions! He didn't even have time to think; he had no idea what he was going to do, what was going to happen. Then Steve started talking again.

"Hey, Sam and I were going to-"

"I gotta go," Bucky interrupted, needing to find someplace to suffer through his thoughts.

"Buck-"

"I'll see ya later."

From there, he left his best friend more confused than when he found him.

—

Bucky paced around his room, his worried, worried mind running in circles. In the heat of the moment, she said she wouldn't leave, but how could she not? And what the fuck was transference? Was that what was actually happening? Even if it was, how could she condone his actions? There was no way she could stay after that! Right?

The rest of the session was so awkward and they left things in such a weird place and Bucky was so confused but also feeling all sorts of other things and-

"Bucky."

He turned to see Steve march through the entryway with a kind of glorious purpose only Steve Rogers seemed to have.

He sighed. "What do you need?"

"What is up with you, man?"

"What?"

"What's up with you? You're acting weird."

"No I'm not."

"Yes you are. Tell me what's wrong."

"Nothing's wrong!"

"You're a terrible liar," he deadpanned with a hint of a smile.

"I'm actually a good liar. I just... got a lot on my mind, okay? So, you can go be a worryin' geezer somewhere else. I'll be just fine."

"Geezer? Did you forget that you're literally older than me?"

"Shut up," Bucky all but pouted, too frazzled to muster up some creative banter. "Punk."

"Just tell me what's wrong, ya jerk."

He knew Steve wouldn't budge. At first he thought, stubborn ass. But then, he remembered how Y/N said Steve's stubbornness was something she really respected about him.

Bucky sighed, giving in and slouching into a chair near his bed. "It's Y/N."

"The... therapist?"

"Yes. The therapist."

"What about her? Did she do something? Is this another Zemo situation?"

Steve's voice got more defensive with each word. Like he was ready to kick someone's ass if need be. Steve Rogers: loyal to a fault. What else is new?

"No! No, nothing like that. Things are just... kinda complicated..."

"Complicated how?"

Yeah, how exactly was he supposed to explain this part? He didn't want to reveal any details and get her fired. Obviously. Steve wouldn't tell anyone anything that would get Bucky in trouble. That much he knew. But with Y/N, he wasn't sure. He decided to play it safe, proving that he was, in fact, a good liar. Or, at least a good only-tell-certain-parts-of-the-truth-er.

"Complicated like she might leave."

"Why would she leave? Are you guys done with the therapy?"

"Not exactly. It's... things between us are... odd."

"Odd?" Steve asked, clearly wanting some kind of elaboration.

"Yes," Bucky said curtly, giving him nothing of the sorts.

Steve stared at him for a moment, and it looked like he was trying to solve a math problem in his head. Bucky almost laughed.

"Buck, you didn't..."

"Didn't what?!"

"She's your therapist!" he exclaimed, although he didn't look very upset. More so surprised.

Now Bucky was starting to lose his composure. "What are you talking about?!"

"Well, I guess you really are getting back your old self because this is probably what he would do."

Did he just get called a man slut?

"What is that supposed to mean?" he crossed his arms.

"You've always been... what'd we used to call it? 'Doll dizzy?' Yeah. It's making a reappearance."

"I-..." Bucky exasperated.

Okay, maybe he was a little doll dizzy back when he was a kid, but now? Certainly not now. That's ridiculous.

"What? You're gonna look at me and you're gonna tell me that I'm wrong?"

"What exactly are you implying?"

"Are you..." he stuttered, slightly embarrassed, thinking of how to choose his words, "being intimate... with your therapist?"

If he wasn't preoccupied with worrying about his psychologist leaving, he might have laughed at Steve's awkwardness.

"What! No! It's not like that!" He felt flustered.

Steve laughed. He fucking laughed. "Then what?"

Bucky rubbed his eyes, groaning in annoyance. "We're... just friends."

Well, they were supposed to be. He's not sure what they were now... or what was going to happen. Beforehand, any cursed feelings he had were just that: feelings. They were in the back of his mind, barely making themselves conscious long enough to be known, long enough for him to be fully aware of them. But now, he felt like an exposed nerve, feeling all too much too fast.

"Just friends?" he raised his brows in disbelief.

"Yeah, just... yeah..."

"I think you guys look at each other a little too long to be just friends..."

Bucky scoffed. "What does that even mean?"

"I saw you two at the bonfire."

"Okay? Whatdya want, a trophy?"

"Yeah, yeah. And whenever she wasn't looking at you, you were gawkin' at her."

"I don't gawk," he rolled his eyes.

"Oh, but you do."

"And since when are you tracking everyone's eye movements?"

"You were subtle, I'll give you that. But I know ya, Buck. And I'm observant."

"Yeah, and I'm screwed."

"Why?"

"'Cause she's probably gonna leave now. I mean, she said she didn't have to, but she'll probably think everything over and end up leaving."

"What, 'cause you looked at her?"

"No, 'cause I kissed her!"

A smile grew on Steve's face. "I knew it."

Once more, Bucky let out a loud and annoyed groan of frustration. "Man, I fucked up. I had a good thing going for me... god damn transference... shit."

"Transference?"

"It's a thing she told me about, it's like... apparently my feelings about something else get transferred to her, so I don't really feel that way about her, but it seems like I do... I think."

"That's... a thing?"

"Apparently- I don't know," Bucky flailed his hands, beginning to pace again. "That's what she told me at least."

"Well... did she kiss you back?"

Bucky stopped moving.

"She did..." he said, while realizing that, yes, she actually did kiss him back and shocked that she... actually kissed him back.

He guessed his mind hadn't caught up to him yet. He hadn't analyzed their actions and each physical change between them. He guessed he was still stuck in that moment. In his head, they were still kissing.

"That's a good sign... right?" Steve shrugged.

Bucky squeezed his eyes shut, brain all but malfunctioning. "I don't know what it is. I don't know anything anymore. I'm a crummy patient..."

"Oh, come on. What happened to Brooklyn's ladies man?"

"He fell off a train."

Steve looked only slightly mortified, but it made Bucky laugh. Comedic catharsis seemed to ease the tension in his chest.

"Look," Bucky started, "she's like the best thing that's happened to me in a long time. And I think I might've ruined it. I just want things to be okay with us... I don't want her to leave."

"Did you talk to her about it?"

"No, we ended the session early 'cause of me. It was... awkward after."

"Well, go talk to her then!"

"I can't, I just left. I wanna at least give her some space."

"You didn't seem to care about space earlier," Steve teased.

Bucky smacked his best friend's arm. "Would you cut it out!"

"Wait, but how did it happen? Like did you just leap up and grab her face? How did it go down?"

"I'm gonna kill you."

"I thought I was the wing man! I need details!"

Bucky turned. "Oh yeah, wingman? How's Sharon?"

Steve shut up.

delicate taglist: @bakugouswh0r3 @thefridgeismybestie @strivingforelegance @ilovespideyyy @xpurpleglitter @bluelakeee @darkacademic2 @nickkie1129 @eclipsedplanet @paradisedixon @crazy-beautiful @coffee--writes @lilithknight1111 @buckybarnesishot310 @softladyhours @alwayssandy @quxxnxfhxll @those-sea-green-eyes @hero-ically @devilswaldorf @cc13723things @maravderofthephoenix @avengersgirllorianna @cataves @thatbitchsposts @talktomeaboutthestars @surrealpsycho @headheartbellarke @bubbly-moonwarrior @bluemoon-icecream @buckeyecreates

[pilmik]

No better way to start a writing blog than by writing something completely self indulgent lmao college students this might hit too close to home but in my defense the new sem started and I'm. Mess

Gen: angst ig???some fluff? hurt/comfort? Quite literally just me writing what I want to hear

CW: insecurities, negative thoughts

Wakatoshi loves volleyball

Everyone knows this

Ever since he was little, he's lived and breathed for the sport

There's nothing better to him than the feeling of the ball hitting his hand, the adrenaline rush of a scored point, the satisfaction of a game well won

He didn't get this far on enjoyment alone though

As his s/o, you know this better than anyone, save for his coaches and teammates of course

You know the effort he's put in, you know that for every second he shines on the court in front he's spent hours practicing alone or with his teammates

And he shines on the court

Watching him play will never fail to make your heart stutter and your lungs feel like they're not getting enough air

After being with him as long as you have, you know enough about volleyball to know that Wakatoshi is something special

His speed, his strength, his reliability

No matter how many times you see that spike, the sound of the ball hitting the floor stays deafening

Wakatoshi was made to play Volleyball. It's an objective fact. Sometimes you think that the sport loves him just as much as he loves it

Sometimes, you get so jealous you could scream

one of the perks of being the volleyball captain's s/o is that you always get the best seats

You watch front row as your boyfriend leads his team to victory, and he always leads them to victory.

You watch, time and time again, as he scores the match point, that sharp wham of the ball hitting the court that sings triumph

Wakatoshi isn't the most expressive person. When his team wins a game, most people would write off his impassive face as nonchalance or as vanity, thinking maybe he's won so many times it doesn't feel like anything for him anymore

But you know him. You know that if you look hard enough at the end of a game, you can see a gleam in his eyes. A gleam that somehow means both satisfaction and hunger

Because while at the end of every game means victory, the end of every game also means the start of a new one, a new challenge, a new opportunity to be on the court. He loves every second of it

You know you're probably the worst person on the world for feeling this way about someone you love, but every time you see that gleam in his eyes, any pride and happiness you feel on his behalf is stained with resentment and an envy so bitter it stays on your tongue for days

You've never had that gleam in your eyes. You've never loved something so entirely, so completely as Wakatoshi loves volleyball

You honestly doubt you ever will

It's not like you're talentless or you don't have hobbies, you have the things you're good at and you have the things you like to do but it's not the same

You want so desperately to know what he feels like, to be doing something and to think, I could do this for the rest of my life and die happy

on your worst days, you wonder why he stays by your side at all

You watch him play, surrounded by his court and his team (no the court or the team, his.) And you wonder what he could get from you that he couldn't get from the sting of the ball on his palm, or the squeak of his shoes on hardwood

He's brilliant, wherever he goes be burns so brightly you swear he leaves scorch marks. What could a forest fire possibly want from a candle?

You watch them play a game against some college team, they win straight sets and Wakatoshi dominated the court, scoring a majority of the points. you're quiet on your way home, and he asks if you were bored by the game

You immediately tell him no, because on most days you love seeing him play, and you try and explain how you feel

He doesn't understand what you're talking about, obviously

Contrary to what most people think, your boyfriend isn't stupid or dense. He has trouble understanding different social cues and conceptualizing some of the more complicated emotions other people feel, but he's not an idiot

But these specific insecurities are something he's never had to face. For him, it's been volleyball since the start. His earliest memories are of his father in the yard, tossing a blue and yellow ball into the air while he sits on the engawa, chubby hands holding tight to a pink vabo-chan plush

It doesn't make sense to him, if you don't have anything like that, then all you need to do is find something you're good at, correct? Then you'll be happy

He tells you this, in his usual matter-of-fact way. (you can imagine how that went)

He doesn't understand why your eyes go glassy, or why you tell him you'll be fine walking by yourself for the rest of the way

But he does understand that he's made you upset, and he knows that he never wants to look into your eyes and see tears that he's put there

As he walks back to his dorm, he's wracking his brain trying to make sense of how you told him you felt, and what he said in response

He's still thinking as he enters the doorway, ignoring Tendou's greeting as he neatly removes his runners and puts them away

This, of course, alerts his redheaded friend, knowing Wakatoshi was taught to mind his manners

He leaves whatever he was doing to see him at the entrance, taking in his pinched expression. He knows that Wakatoshi walks you home after every game, and it doesn't take a genius to connect the dots

He quickly presses the pad of his thumb between Wakatoshi's furrowed eyebrows, smoothing the lines there

"trouble in paradise, Wakatoshi-kun? You can't keep frowning like that you know, you'll get wrinkles! Everyone already thinks you're an old man"

Wakatoshi trusts his best friend, even if he teases him constantly. Besides you, Tendou is his main confidant

He explains what happened much like someone would explain a mission report, in perfect unbiased detail. He tell him what you said, how he thought and responded and your reaction. Tendou is always patient with him, giving him his full attention.

After he finishes his story, his friend sits on his haunches in the middle of the hallway for a few minutes, pointer finger to his chin, head cocked and eyes to the ceiling, hmmmmmming thoughtfully

Wakatoshi waits at the entrance of their dorm room until Tendou snaps his eyes away from the ceiling and onto him

"Wakatoshi kun, I'm going to need you to imagine something for me"

His eyebrows pinch together again, but he nods

"Imagine you never played volleyball, you're exactly the same in every way, except your dad never showed you so you never learned how to play. Try and imagine who you'd be"

Wakatoshi tries his best to imagine, he replaces the blue and yellow ball in his memory with a red one, the bouncy kind they sell in bins at the grocery store. He replaces vabo-chan with some kind of stuffed animal wearing a bow

He thinks about school, about going straight home after class is over, and going to the gym only on weekends

He finds he's skipping parts of his life in large gaps, empty spaces he doesn't know what to do with, his future completely blank. It's terrifying.

Tendou must see the dawning horror on his face because he jumps up quickly with a flourish, clapping his hands together once to draw Wakatoshi out of his daydream

Tendou looks at him, smiling and says "y/n-chan doesn't have their volleyball. Most people aren't as lucky as you, finding your volleyball so early Wakatoshi-kun. Some people never find their's at all"

He stands at the entrance quietly for awhile after Tendou returns to his room, thinking about how scary it felt to imagine, even for a few minutes, his life full of the blanks that his sport filled

He wonders how it would be like to have those blanks empty all the time, with not even a clue how to complete them

Swallowing his pride, Wakatoshi realizes he wouldn't be able to live like that. Wouldn't be able to go forward into such unknowable territory, under such impossible odds

He thinks about you waking up every day, seeing your life full of blanks, and still pushing forwards despite it

He doesn't get much sleep that night.

You wake up in the morning to Wakatoshi's text ringtone

7:10am Toshi <3: Call in sick for first period.

7:10am Toshi <3: I am going to pick you up at 8.

7:13am Toshi <3: I will bring you breakfast.

7:27am Toshi <3: Wear a light jacket, it's chilly.

The half of you that's still hurt over yesterday wants to tell him to shove breakfast up his ass, but then you realise something

You stare at your phone, deeply confused

Doesn't he have volleyball practice before school?

You get ready quickly, and sure enough, when you walk out of your door at exactly 8:00, Wakatoshi is there.

He's wearing his tracksuit and runners, and he hands you a paper bag from the conbini. There's an apple, a bag of grapes and onigiri. In his other hand he's holding a warm drink, written on the lid is your favourite, exactly how you like it

"I am taking you to the park."

You tilt your head up at him, confused

"don't you have volleyball practice?"

"I'm skipping. We are going to feed the ducks."

The idea of Ushijima Wakatoshi skipping volleyball practice stuns you into silence, and you simply follow his lead to the direction of the park, you walking and him doing some sort of ridiculous exercise thing that looks like it'd make you puke

When you get there, you're happy to find that your usual bench is empty.

Wakatoshi pulls a water bottle out of his ridiculously-deep men's tracksuit pockets while you take the bunch of grapes out of the bag, neatly dividing it in half. You decide to take the big half of the grape bunch for once, because he was being a jerk yesterday and you deserve to feed the ducks more than he does. You give him his half and you both start feeding the ducks in silence

After awhile, he decides to speak

"Tendou made me imagine something yesterday"

You turn to face him, but he's still looking at the ducks

"he told me to imagine my life if I'd never played volleyball"

He frowns

"he said to imagine everything about me was the same, except I never started playing. I found that it was difficult"

"there were many things I found I couldn't fill in, both in my life and in myself"

"but the worst part was imagining the future. I couldn't imagine a single thing to put in it"

"I wouldn't be able to live like that. To live every day and see blank spaces and uncertainties. It sounds terrible"

He pauses for a moment and you're like :/ wow king thanks for the pep talk

But he takes a deep breath and he continues

"I think, for a person to face that uncertainty and keep pushing forward, they would have to be exceptional"

Your head snaps to look at him so fast you almost get whiplash

Exceptional

There's a word that you've never used to describe yourself

"I think, that if I knew someone like that, I would tell them that they are strong in a way that I doubt I will ever be"

He finally turns to look at you, and you try your best to see him through the tears distorting your vision

"after awhile of thinking, I finally thought of something that I could put in that blank future. Would you like to know what it was?"

You just nod, not trusting your words. His big hands gently engulf your own and for a moment you're absolutely certain Ushijima Wakatoshi will be the death of you

"if I didn't have Volleyball, if I didn't have a single clue of what I could do with my future, if I still had you by my side, I think I would be alright"

One hit K.O.

He keeps going though, as if he didn't just kill you

"if you would have me, I'd like to be in your blank future. For as long as it takes for you to find your volleyball, I'll be there. If it's months or years or decades,"

"if decades pass and you never find your volleyball, I would still like to stay by your side. Maybe your volleyball is looking for volleyball?"

His face contorts in consideration of the idea, and you can't help but laugh wetly, your tears soaking into his jacket as you bury your face into his arm

He presses a soft kiss to your head

"I apologize for what I said last night. I didn't understand"

You only shake your head

You two sit in companionable silence for a little longer so you can eat your breakfast, then you both walk to second period hand in hand

It's only in the boredom of your math class that you realize the gravity of what your boyfriend had said to you in the park

11:08 you: Tendou

11:08 you: was I tripping

11:08 you: or did Wakatoshi /propose/ to me in the park today

Tendou is typing......

A/N: I've never posted this kind of stuff before so comments would really be appreciated! Like if there's something I could do to make my stuff easier to read or whatever I wanna hear it! Even if it's mean I promise I'll only cry a little

[hyatoro]

What's your opinion on omegaverse? Do you like it?

This response gets long so I'll drop it under the cut. Basically my entire take on Omegaverse. It is absolutely subject to change but these are my thoughts for now. I'll also link this to the rules for anyone that wants to request omegaverse so they can see how my personal take on Omegaverse works.

TLDR; I like some aspects but generally take it for plot progression rather than get into specifics like what goes on downstairs unless I got to.

I do write for omegaverse if that's what you're asking. BUT if you're going to request omegaverse then you HAVE to read what's below.

I like bits and pieces of it. I also like mixing and matching stuff like whether or not alphas and/or omegas are common etc etc. When we get to genitals I just kinda. gloss over it? Like. I'm not going to get into cloacas and retractable dicks and stuff. That's too much going on that I don't care enough about.

What I DO like is scenting/marking/etc the 'animalistic' behaviors and how easy it is to use that to make things horny. It's also really cute when making characters help each other through ruts/heats non sexually though.

While I do understand that Alpha/Omega ≠ Dom/Sub, that's kinda how it is as a majority? Do you know what I mean? Like there's definitely Dom!OmegaxSub!Alpha works out there, but if I'm going to write it personally I just make the reader the alpha 80% of the time. But I also really fucking love Alpha's cowering in fear of an Omega who's proven themselves time and time again, not in a harem/poly sense though. I don't personally do harem/poly (which is stated in the rules).

I also like the multiple stances on where Betas stand. Like there are some where they're just normal people. Some where they get both side effects of alphas and omegas without as much of a benefit. Some where they are actually the exceptions where they just don't fit in and are outcasts.

Once we get into more than ABO and into more roles like deltas and shit then you've lost me. I don't go past ABO.

Also while ABO originated for gay ships I'm mostly versed in straight/lesbian parts of ABO fiction. That's cause I'm a bi woman so I generally only read things where I can project onto one of the characters and that usually means one of the characters is a woman.

When we get into pregnancy though oh boy... It's fiction. Anything can happen however you want. For me, my omegaverse has it so that women, no matter if they are abo, can have kids. BUT abo status does have an affect on how successful/safe it is to bear a child. All omegas can give birth. Yeah mpreg but I'm not getting into the details fill in the blanks yourself. If you want the dude to have a vagina+dick+asshole go ahead.

All Alphas + Men can impregnate. But similar deal where ABO changes your success rate. So a lot of Omega men have almost infertile sperm (but still possible depending on if the plot wills it)

Betas are literally just chilling based on where they are above. If they're just normal people then it's whatever I don't have to explain. If they got both cycles then during heats theyre uh. breedable lmaooo. during ruts they're chances of doing the impregnating go up.

Presenting happens in teenage years, like high school age. No I will not go into detail about the physical stuff my brain hurts. With heats/ruts at early years they aren't that intense. Like how it was for me when I first started getting periods lol. Nowadays I've been getting cramps and headaches though so I'm equating them to that. Heats/ruts only actually get bad when they've presented for a couple years. So like the first few years are training wheels where it's just mild discomfort that has warning bells. For some it stays like this, but their scent gets stronger. For others it gets worse and they can't fucking go to work.

Suppressants exist. Pills, patches, uh and also implants? If you've ever seen birth control implants you can assume they're like that. But like. A shit ton more expensive and very unheard of. So like you'll only ever see me using the implants in settings where there's super secret agents and spies and stuff where their organization requires it for field work and stuff.

Nesting and scenting is cute so it stays. Scenting can also absolutely be familial and platonic. Doesn't just have to be romantic and/or sexual. Same for nesting. Sometimes you just want to chill with the homies.

Bonding. Alphas/Betas can bite Omegas officially. Or like. have a literal physical effect. Omegas can 'bite' too but it's more of an informal thing that only happens between some couples.

Soul bonds only exist if I want them to otherwise they are irrelevant and people can pair up freely without worrying about soulmates.

Knots... yeah sure why not. Just cockwarming with an extra step. Knots can only happen during ruts. So Alphas and Betas can have them.

If you have any other questions of my thoughts I'll do my best to answer them as well as update this page accordingly.

[niemernuet]

yes i would very much like to request a 56 or a 71 with ginodi thank you very much💖

One 56 (Just marry me already.”) and 71 (“God, I love you.”) coming right up. Sorry about the delay, and thank you so much for the prompts. 💝💌

Leaving Beijing

"Ow, fuck!" Marco yelped, and jumped on one foot into the room, right into one of the chairs. With a loud bang it fell to the ground, toppling over a few of the empty beer bottles lying around. Marco swore some more, rubbing the toe he had stubbed against his other leg. He tried to put the chair upright again though he had to abandon that project as he could not bend over without feeling his late-night dinner coming back for an encore.

"What the hell are you doing here?"

Marco hissed, and raised his hands. "Shut your siren-mouth!" he groaned.

"Siren-mouth?" Michelle exclaimed, ramping up the outrage and the volume. Marco flinched, and put his hands to his head. Michelle laughed, walked over and put the chair right-way up again.

"I guess you didn't go to bed once you left last night?"

"Good question," Marco answered, "I'll tell you once I remember."

Michelle chuckled, and started picking up bottles and cans from the floor while Marco rifled through the pillows on the couches that formed the centre of the lounge in the Swiss' quarters.

"Don't you have a race today?" Marco asked.

"I do," Michelle smiled. "But I'm too early. Someone was celebrating last night right next to my room. But shouldn't you be on your way to the airport? What are you still doing here?"

"It's okay, the flight's at nine," Marco explained. "I've still got plenty of time. And I'm looking for something."

Michelle cleared her throat. "I can see that," she managed. "And what, exactly?"

Marco sighed, and turned around to face her. "My medal."

Michelle stared at him with big, round eyes, jaw hanging open. "You lost your medal?"

"I'm telling you!" Marco exclaimed before hissing again. Even his own voice made his brain hurt. He would never drink Chinese beer again.

Ever.

He turned back to the couch, and continued searching between the cushions.

"You lost your Olympic gold medal?" Michelle repeated.

"It's okay, you can laugh," Marco muttered.

"The hell I will!" Michelle said, and started to search along the window sills. "That is a very serious matter. Are you sure it's not in your room?"

Marco shook his head, tentatively as not to upset his brain any further. "I've looked everywhere. It has to be here. I remember I had it with me when I came back."

Suddenly he paused, a pillow in each hand, then he turned around, and eyed Michelle quizzically. "Did I criticise your hair last night?"

Michelle shrugged. "Well, you asked me why I always look as if I just came from a violent encounter with the owls of the zoo in Arth-Goldau. Did you mean that as a critique?"

Marco chuckled to himself. "Oh yeah, now I recall." He smiled bashfully at Michelle. "Sorry about that."

Michelle waved him off, and continued straightening up the room. "Eh, don't worry. I wrote Luca and he promised he'll loosen your binding before the race in Kranjska Gora."

Marco laughed but Michelle did not join, and eventually he broke off. The room was almost tidy again, all the bottles and cans in one place on the table, and the pillows and cushions straightened, when Gino came dashing into the room,

"What the hell are you doing?" he panted, and grabbed Marco by the hand. "You're going to miss your flight!"

Marco stayed glued to the ground, eyeing his boyfriend with a blank look. "What are you talking about? It's leaving at nine."

"Exactly!" Gino exclaimed. "Which leaves you one hour to get from here to the airport and through customs."

"Wha…?" Marco stuttered. "But the clock in my room said it was six…"

"That was when I knocked at your door!" Gino explained. "You must have fallen asleep again. Come on now!"

Again he tried to pull Marco along, and again Marco resisted. "I can't!" he said with rising desperation, his gigantic hangover forgotten. "I lost the medal! I can't leave without."

Now it was Gino's turn to stare at him with his jaw almost touching the ground. Suddenly, Michelle cackled. And just like that, a veil lifted from Marco's eyes. He looked down at his chest.

"Oh."

"Are you okay?" Gino asked.

"Oh," Marco said again, staring into empty air. One after the other, his memories fell into place, and he remembered last night, from his victory in the giant slalom to Justin and Gino dragging him back to his room for a few minutes of sleep.

"Oh my god!" he yelled. "I'm going to miss my flight!"

Gino stepped to him, putting his hands on Marco's cheeks. "You won't!" he assured. "There's still time."

Marco shook his head. "No, there isn't! I haven't packed yet! I haven't showered, all my stuff is still lying around, I…I…"

Gino silenced him with a kiss. "I packed your carry-on bag with fresh clothes and a toothbrush. You can change in the plane, and I'll take the rest of your stuff when I fly home."

Marco looked at Gino with new hope. "Really?"

Gino nodded. "Promise."

"God, I love you!" Marco said, wrapped his arms around Gino, and kissed him again.

"Also I stole Loïc's fancy travel mug and filled it with coffee from his secret stash," Gino added when they broke off. "You can drink it in the taxi."

Marco looked at Gino full of love. "Just marry me already!"

Gino smiled at him fondly. "As soon as you're out of the country. Come on now!" They ran off as fast as they could, though Marco stopped when they reached the door, and turned around. Michelle was still standing next to the window, grinning from ear to ear.

"First of all: Fuck you!" Marco said. "And good luck with your race."

Michelle smiled at him. "Fuck you right back. And thank you."

Marco hesitated for a second, wrecking his brain for another memory. "Did I tell you about Haituo-bowl last night?"

Michelle rolled her eyes. "Go, you idiot!"

[imagines-by-a-typical-fangirl]

White Lies (Pt. 08 of 21)

Pairing: Keanu Reeves X Reader

Word count: 3 K

Summary: Keanu found the girl almost dead, in the wrecks of what was once her car. While she was in surgery, stuck in a coma, he gathered the best doctors of New York to attend to her. They told him she is likely to have some kind of brain damage, what may lead to memory loss. And this possibility added up wit the fact that she's pregnant, made the council come up with an odd idea. They asked Keanu to pretend to be her husband, since the stress of finding out everything that happened could put the baby in danger. He reluctantly agreed, but only if she does has some kind of memory loss. He still goes she'll wake up soon, with her memories intact.

But when you finally wake up, there's nothing inside. You're quick to find your head is empty, void, like a blank canvas. The only thing that brings you some relief, that makes you feel less lonely is the mention of a husband. And you can't wait to meet him, because you know you can't deal with this by yourself.

<- Previous part (07)

Next part (09) ->

{Keanu Reeves Masterlist}

{John Wick Masterlist}

×

Blurred Lines

“I like Clarissa.” You say, agreeing with Keanu on his suggestion. You're walking home after your morning walk around the neighborhood, and you have your arm on his, panting a little. Keanu wants it to be a girl, and you want a boy, so there's a little bet going on, but neither of you chose what the prize will be yet. “And if it's a boy I like Henry. A name fit for a king.” Glancing at him, you smile.

“I like it too.”

“Great. But we still have some time.” Week 14 has started, and you're only keeping track of it so perfectly because Keanu has a calendar on the fridge, where he counts the days and weeks. It also helps that the e-book you have tells you everything that's happening at the moment, and you usually read it together at the beginning of the weeks. “But...” You stop by the house, sitting down on the steps that lead to the door. “We need to buy some stuff. Not only baby stuff but some pregnancy stuff too.”

Keanu settles down beside you, handing you the water bottle he was carrying, from which you take a sip. “What is it you need?”

“Uhm... Everything I have is getting a little tight. It'll only get worse with time. And...” Clearing your throat, you blush a little, playing with the bottle. “I need bras. Mine are getting small and my breasts are a bit tender so I can't take them squeezing me anymore.”

“Oh.” He sounds a little embarrassed too, what makes you giggle. “Let's go then.” Offering you a hand, he pulls you back at your feet. “Let's shower and head out.”

“Alright.“ You stand there for a while, and you know it's just because he always lets you get in first. But you decide to tiptoe, stepping closer to place a soft peck on his lips before moving inside.

After washing yourself from the thin layer of sweat from the walk, you put on jeans, comfortable white sneakers, and a pink blouse. Deciding to let your hair down, you make your way downstairs, finding Keanu waiting for you in the living room. “Hope I didn't make you wait for too long.” You say, making your presence known. He stands up from the couch, eyes finding you. “Because I have no excuse.” Gesturing at your clothes, way too simple, you shrug your shoulders.

“You look beautiful.” His words make you blush, and you start making the way to the garage.

Keanu opens the passenger door for you to get inside before walking around the car to take his place. You like that he's a simple man, unlike most of the celebrities out there. He drives his car, does his own stuff. He surprises you every day, and sometimes you even forget he's an actor. A very good one.

As he speeds through the city, you can't help but feel excited. You've been procrastinating for a while, but now you can't wait for it. Your stomach is starting to swell, your baby is growing, and you want to start getting things ready. The accident is turning into a distant memory now, as you allow the pregnancy to be the main event of your life. Because it is. You still have a lot of trips to the hospital every week, and Keanu is as careful and protective as he has been since the beginning, but you feel good. Things are amazing with him, moving at a slow but comfortable pace. And you're happy. Beyond happy.

Keanu's heart has been beating faster ever since they got into the store. It's huge, with several different departments. He intended to let her chose everything since he keeps telling himself over and over again this isn't his child. But the lines are starting to blur in his head, and he caught himself thinking the baby to be his.

“Which one do you like best?” She asks him, standing in between two pale beige cribs. (Y/N) wants to add color on the decoration, and of course, he agreed. “I can't choose.”

It warms his heart that she wants him to participate. But of course she does. To her, he's her husband. “This one.” He says, walking over to the crib on her left. “We'll have it delivered at our place.”

“Great.” And she smiles before turning around and continuing further into the store. But she didn't see the mountain of a man she left behind, holding his breath, eyes focused on her back. (Y/N) was clueless about the war happening inside his heart, constantly. Slowly, Keanu comes back to Earth, signaling at some of the women who work here. He didn't notice she was staring at him, too busy focused on (Y/N).

“I want this crib, please.” He politely says, and the woman quickly types something on her tablet.

“Done, Mr. Reeves.” Of course she knew his name, it didn't surprise him. “Anything else?” Her voice gets softer, like some sort of whine. Was she trying to seduce him? Probably. Keanu is well aware of how some women act around him, but this time, she's nothing to him. Just a speck of dust compared to the woman he's staring at now, peacefully looking at strollers, a hand resting on her belly, which just started to swell.

“Yes.” He says. “Come with me, please. We'll be buying some things today.”

“It'll be my pleasure.” She chants, a smirk on her face that Keanu doesn't even see as he starts making his way over (Y/N).

“This one is the best,” Keanu says, getting (Y/N)'s attention. She quickly looks at him. “I was reading about it.”

“This one it'll be then.” She says, flashing him another smile. (Y/N) is especially happy today. Her eyes leave him for a short while, finding the woman. He gets confused at the expression on her face before she turns away. “I wanted to see some clothes, but since we don't know the sex yet, I don't know what color to pick.”

“We can wait until we know.” He suggests and she nods.

As they move through the store, signaling to the woman everything they want, Keanu quickly noticed (Y/N)'s reaction to the employee following them around. It was only after she snapped at the woman that he noticed it himself, that she was trying to discreetly flirt with him.

“Ke, the doctor said I'll need one of those things.” (Y/N) says in a low voice, shyly gesturing at her breasts.

“A breast pump.” He states. “There's another store on the third floor. Let's check there.” Keanu is done with the woman annoying (Y/N), so he pays up for everything, leaves the address for it to be delivered, and guides (Y/N) outside, to the other store.

It's slightly smaller and more focused on the pregnant woman than on the baby, but they succeeded on buying everything for the baby for now.

She easily finds another woman to help her around, way more kind, thankfully, and, as they talk, Keanu follows then around. He eventually stops by some blankets, wondering if she'd want any of them. After some minutes, he resumes following her, but (Y/N) is gone. Keanu feels embarrassed for a while, having lost her in the store. Walking to the back, he sighs in relief when he finds her, looking at some lingerie. For a moment he wonders if he should interrupt, trying not to think too much about what may be in her head.

Shaking his head lightly, he decides to walk over to her. “Did you like it?” He asks, gesturing at the black and light pink pair of underwear she was starting at.

(Y/N)'s cheeks go red when she looks up at him. “N-no. I mean...” She mutters, letting go of the soft fabric. “...Do you like it?” She sounds uncertain, and it's cute the way her cheeks and neck turn into a reddish color.

Keanu doesn't want to answer. He doesn't want to imagine her in this lingerie, but it's too late now. The image is already burning through his head. He was just about to run from the subject when he remembers the lie he's into. And he is tired of lying. “I did. You'll look wonderful in it, but you don't have to buy it if you don't want and if you do, you don't have to wear it for me.” He couldn't help explaining it further, making sure she doesn't feel weird about it.

(Y/N) turns at the lingerie again, thoughtful. “Just this one.” She finally mumbles. “Mrs. Jackson already helped me chose some bras for the rest of the pregnancy and some for after. You know, those that you can pull down to feed the baby...” She's blushing all over again, and Keanu has to bite back a smile.

They have many bags when they leave the store, and Keanu's heart is filled with joy. He always wanted kids, but he never met the right woman. And let's be honest, time was passing. He only wishes this was real. But nevertheless, he loved doing this. He didn't know, or he pretended he didn't, but he was losing it. He was sinking further and further into the lie he created.

Staring at the big mirror you have on the wall of your bedroom, you check how the bra looks. It's not that bad, super comfortable, and it'll have some space for when your breasts grow more. Because they will according to the doctors. You're just about to walk over the edge of the bed to pick your shirt and put it on when the door opens and Keanu comes in.

You stop on your tracks, freezing, quickly crossing your arms. “I'm sorry, I should've knocked.” Keanu is fast to apologize, moving to leave.

“No, wait.” You burst out, running a hand through your hair. He turns back at you, eyes locked on yours. He's trying not to look, that much is pretty clear. Keanu is... Unbelievable. If you didn't want him at all, he'd never push you, he'd forever keep a distance. Taking a deep breath, you put both hands on your hips. “W-what do you think?” It's a stupid question. The bra is nothing special. Just a gray cotton fabric with thin straps, designed to offer some support. “I know it's super simple but...”

“You look absolutely beautiful.” He answers, slowly walking closer, but eyes are still locked on yours.

“Ke... You can look.” It comes out as a whisper, so you clear your throat. “You can look, I don't mind.”

There's this thing about Keanu, a sensation that only gets more intense. When he's away, you want him near, and when he's standing near, you want him even closer. Shyly, you take his hand, running your fingers through his skin.

Stepping forward, ending the distance in between your bodies, you raise your head to look into his eyes. “You can touch me.” The words are a living thing, and there's something in you pushing it out. You didn't know you were that brave... Maybe you're not. But this man is your husband, and you have no idea how you managed to marry someone so incredible. Placing his hand on your side, his fingertips burn on your skin.

Keanu's hand slides from your waist to the small of your back as he pulls you to him, making you collide against his chest. That's when you see his eyes traveling down, lingering just for a while. But it's enough to make you blush hard, a weird knot building on your stomach. “You're absolutely beautiful.” He repeats in a low, soft voice. You can't help but feel self-conscious under his stare, but your thoughts are quick to melt away when Keanu kisses you.

It's soft and slow at first, but you suddenly grow impatient, and you tiptoe, wanting to even climb on him if possible, anything to be closer, to be on him somehow. Deepening the kiss, you start walking backward, pulling him without breaking the kiss. Keanu's hands are all over you, but never moving too far. He's good at this, controlling himself. But you're not. You're running your hands through his chest, grabbing a fistful of his shirt and forcing him to move. You're too lost in him to notice where exactly you were going, so when the back of your legs reaches the bed, you fall back, awkwardly bringing Keanu with you.

A laugh escapes both your lips as he fixes himself on top of you, carefully moving you further into the middle of the bed. But soon enough you realize the position you put yourself into, and you blush, noticing how Keanu clears his throat, lifting his body a little, so his weight won't be on you. But you don't want him to go anywhere. You're still catching your breath, intoxicated by him.

“Sorry I made you fall.”

“It's alright.” He mutters. Biting your lip, you take in his dark eyes set on you. And his body, hovering over yours. “Were you jealous? Earlier today, of that woman at the store?”

Chuckling, you nod. “I guess I was. She was pretty.” Your comment, giving him a small smile.

“She's nothing compared to you, sweetheart.” Keanu kisses you again, but this time, he starts placing kisses along your jaw. He does it slowly though, as if waiting for you to stop him. But you won't. And a gasp leaves your mouth when his lips begin to move down your neck, all the way to your collarbone.

Closing your eyes, you wrap your arms around his neck, pulling him closer, the need of having him only growing, but an annoying, beeping noise snaps you out of the stupor, and Keanu stops, placing a peck to your lips before pushing himself up. “Someone's calling you.” He says as you lie there, catching your breath.

“Who? I don't know anyone.” Sighing, you push yourself into a sitting position before stretching your arm to take your phone from the nightstand. “Laura.” You mutter. “Oh. We planned on going to that cute vintage coffee shop I told you about.”

“I remember.” He leans closer, a finger under your chin to pull you into another kiss. “Go and have fun, beautiful.”

Biting your lip, you nod, feeling way too many butterflies flying around.

Keanu leaves you at the coffee shop where you meet Laura. She has been your best friend, and you're always seeing each other. She often goes to visit you, and you went to her place a few times too. The coffee shop is cute, and you have a bittersweet chocolate pie. The sun is setting, but its golden light is hidden away by some heavy clouds. There's a storm coming tomorrow.

“So...” She sing-songs when she finishes her smoothie. “How's everything with Keanu freaking Reeves?” Giggling, you look down at your empty plate. “You're blushing, my friend.”

“Well... Your call kinda interrupted us.” Speaking in a low voice, you glance at her. Laura has a weird expression on her face, a little scared, a little confused. It reminds you of Lucia the first time she visited. “Is something wrong?”

“No, no.” She snaps out of it, clearing her throat. “What do you mean by interrupting?”

“Oh, it wasn't...” Shaking your head no, you bite your lower lip. “We were kissing... On the bed and... I don't know exactly what would've happen if we kept going.” Putting a strand of hair behind your ear, you sigh.

“You're falling for him, aren't you?” She asks, smiling a little.

“Yes. I'm falling all over again.” You're still speaking when some loud voices get your attention. Looking at the doors, you notice a group of people trying to push themselves in. “What's that?”

As you stand up, the group finally breaks in, and there isn't much time to think when you see the sea of people coming your way. Moving backward, you stand next to Laura.

“Mrs. Reeves, a few words, please.” A tall woman asks, and dozens of microphones and cellphones pointed at your face.

“Uhm... Alright.” You mutter as they surround you.

The flashes start, and the sudden lights make you feel dizzy. “Nobody knew about your existence until the accident. Why did you and Keanu Reeves kept the secret?”

“We wanted to keep it private. A-away from the public.” You mumble, trying to smile a little.

“Is it true you lost your memory?” A man asks.

“Yes.” Nodding, you run a hand through your hair as they move even closer. You don't want to answer. They don't have to know that.

“Will you and Keanu go on with the marriage or will you break apart?” Another flash and you close your eyes shut for a while, trying to steady yourself, your stomach feeling sick.

“We're... We're fine.” You mutter.

“Is it true you're pregnant?”

“Yes.”

“Will you ever recover your memories?”

“I don't know.”

“(Y/N)!” Laura says, and you feel her hands holding both your shoulders, and that's the only thing that makes you notice you almost fell. “Are you alright?”

“Mrs. Reeves, are there any risk that you could lose the child?”

It takes you some time to process the question, hands holding on the nearest chair, knuckles getting white. Trying to catch your breath, you take Laura's hand. “N-no.” You whisper, hoping they can hear it.

“Who are you, Mrs. Reeves? Can you tell us who you were before?”

“No, I don't–” Your legs fail and you collapse on the floor, your knees hitting the tiles hard. There's a yell coming from the journalists, and you see through their shadows as they come closer to get a good take of you on the floor.

“(Y/N), let's go,” Laura says, trying to pull you up.

Shaking your head no, you stay on the floor, their voices, their questions making your head spin around violently.

“I can't.” Voice barely a whisper, you feel your body shutting down you lower yourself to the floor. It doesn't take much until you see black, and then all your senses are overwhelmed as you fall into unconsciousness.

×

@multific @inumorph @aestheticallywinchester @bvbwestfall @liviiii98 @allie1804-fan @gian-giannina @playboygeniusphilanthropist @partypoison00 @mariafetamina @fortheloveoffanfic @trin303

[catsnraincoats-archive]

my favorite thing is telling NTs exactly WHAT the symptoms of my mental illnesses are because otherwise they. really dont get it.

I have ADHD "Well thats not an excuse" No you dont understand. ADHD makes me:

Have consequence blindness, so I don't realize doing or bot doing something will impact me. I cant help this

Need constant sensory input. In a classroom or house where its the same every day I'm bot getting enough input to focus 100% of the time

Have memory lapses and gaps. My brain is wired differently and the way it operates makes it difficult for me to have a full and linear memory

React negatively to criticism. This is called Rejection-Sensitive Dysphoria (RSD). It makes me take everything to heart, no matter how small. I'm not "overreacting", My brain just can't tell the difference between personal preferences/jokes, and genuine insults most of the time.

Experience executive dysfunction. My brain doesn't look at the big picture more so than it looks at the little steps it takes to get there. And I do mean every step. I get overwhelmed by how much it takes and have difficulty starting at all.

Make too many connections. I don't jump around to vastly different subjects, my brain just goes lightning fast through multiple things to get from point A to point B.

Ask the same question multiple times. Again, ADHD causes poor memory so I will either not remember asking it, or not remember answering.

Make it hard to focus on things I dont want to do. The way my brain works is I get attached to one of a few things at once and thats all I can think about at any given time. Its more than an interest, it is an all-consuming thought that does not leave my brain until the next one.

Make everything dull. ADHD results in dopamine receptors being less active. This causes symptoms of depression.

I have autism "how does that matter?" w e l l, it makes me:

Get overloaded when there is too much sensory input. all of my senses- particularly sight and sound- are far more sensitive than a neurotypical's, which means more input goes into my brain. When too much goes in I get overwhelmed and it goes haywire.

Not make "obvious" connections well. You may think something is obvious, but thats because you're allistic. While allistic brains take old information and apply it to new situations, autistic brains will usually get a blank slate for new things. This makes it harder to make the right connections

Not express emotions "correctly". Even if I'm happy I might have a neutral face. Its not that I'm sad, I just don't express things the same as you. My body language and how I talk about things are better indicators.

More tired around people. I do like hanging out with people, but I constantly have to mask my symptoms and that majes it harder. Masking is where I try and act neurotypical. This is tiring because its essentially acting as a different person 24/7.

Ramble about the same thing multiple times. I have these things called Special Interests. Much like the hyperfixations I mentioned before, they're an all-consuming thought. I like talking about them with people I trust.

I have depression "You're just sad" Thats not all it is. Is also makes me:

Extremely fatigued. The chemical receptors in my brain that I should be getting motivation from aren't as active, so all my energy goes down. A lot.

Put less work into things. I always think "Oh, I can always just opt out and kill myself" so I don't really see the point in putting 100% effort in.

Feel overwhelmingly empty. I don't know how else to describe it. Just. numbness.

Get brain fog. The constant of numbness and an inability to function well makes me get trapped in my own head and I can't focus.

Be "lazy". This isn't actually laziness. My brain is constantly telling me that I'm too tired to do it, it that I'm not good enough, or something. Please understand that it isn't just me bot wanting to do work.

Get irrationally angry. I really can't explain this one. It is a symptom I try to maintain but I ask you to be patient.

[riseofarmy]

02 | SO THERE'S THIS MAGIC BOY

i can do this all day 02 | so there's this magic boy

author : @riseofarmy

pairing : kim seokjin x original character

words : 2343

i can do this all day masterlist

previous chapter

DARLING

What. The. Hell.

Before me stands a man I've never seen before in my life. He's barefoot, loose harem pants hanging low on his hips and an open vest doing nothing to hide his bare chest. The most startling thing about him though is his hair. It's purple, as in I Am The Love Child Of Amethysts And Lilac purple.

I don't get how I could've missed someone as stand-outty as him.

He leans down elegantly to pluck the lamp from the floor and my heart seizes up instantly. I have no idea where he came from, or how he got so close to me without me realising, but one thing I do know - this piece of shit is not getting away with my lamp.

With a swipe of my foot at the stranger's legs, I fell him like a tree. He shrieks, trying to pick himself up, but I pounce on him, sitting on the back of his thighs and twisting his arms behind him so he has to curl backwards to stop his arms from hurting. I pull out the twine I store in one of my pockets, intending to tie up his hands, but then...

He's gone.

As in gone-from-under-me gone, making me fall onto my back since the hands I was pulling have goddamn disappeared. Disappeared! Again: What. The Hell. I stare at the ceiling, trying to orient myself. He was right there and then he was... not.

"I can't believe you just did that to me, like surely you knew how that would make me feel."

The man stands next to my knocked-down body, bending over to look me in the eye. He flicks a lock of purple hair off his face with a lop-sided grin that might have been meant to make me feel at ease but instead makes me growl in irritation. I make a grab at his ankles, but I only touch them for a moment before my hands close around empty air.

That did not just happen.

Except it did. He's out of my arm's reach and fanning his face lazily as I get on my feet, eyes lasered in on the lamp still in his hand. He twirls it carelessly and I totally lose my mind, snapping forward to jump on him again.

This time, I manage to tackle him to the ground again and lock his head into my elbow before-

"Don't bother, you'll just tire yourself out." Suddenly, he's on the other side of the small room, a roguish curl to his lips as he lounges on one of the bigger chests of gold. He notices me twitch in his direction, and with a wave of his fingers, I'm frozen.

It's an awful feeling, like time has stopped, but only for me. There's an emptiness in my chest that takes me a second to place, but then I realise what it is - I can't breathe! Somehow, I know that my lungs have stopped working, my heart has stopped beating, that the only thing working in me right now is my thoughts.

And then he lets go of me. I suck in a grateful breath, flexing my fingers until I'm sure my blood's flowing again.

Holy shit holy shit holy shit literally what the hell.

"Please tell me you've calmed down." I flick my gaze up to find the strange man eyeing me warily. He has a better grip on the lamp now and isn't flinging it around like before, so I force myself to stay on the ground even though I was itching to take it from him.

"Who are you?" My voice cracks, but he didn't seem to notice. Instead, his expression clears up significantly into an overly bright beam.

"You know what, I have a song prepared for exactly that question, gimme a second to change." Before I can consider the ridiculousness of that statement, he snaps his fingers, and suddenly he's wearing...

Actually, what is he wearing?

He has on a startlingly white jacket, with odd, overblown shoulders, and a matching pair of breeches that were fitted to his body and made of a stiff material. The outfit was studded with what looked like diamonds, his hair was slicked back off his forehead, and the whole look completed with a set of short, silver boots.

I can't help it. Before I can slam a palm over my mouth, a snort slips out.

The man looks a little shocked, mouth dropped into a horrified 'O'. "Are you laughing? At me? Why are you laughing?!"

"You look... What are you wearing?"

He splutters, ears reddening so quickly they might just pop. "Do you not have any taste? This is high fashion, the result of a gorgeous marriage between class and art and I look stunning."

This man was serious! His hand was curled into a fist and he looked almost comically furious, but I just couldn't take him as anything but a joke.

Especially not when, a few seconds later, he lets out a scream and jumps onto a chest. It takes me a moment realises that the thing that had him currently shaking like a leaf was none other than... Yoongi.

Yoongi, my little furball cat, who slinks past the terrified man and curls into my bent form.

"Wait. Are you scared of cats?" When he doesn't reply, I have my answer. The man flinches as I stand up and step closer to him, eyes trained on the only-slightly-feisty ball of fluff at my feet. "How does this sound: you give me the lamp back, and I won't tell Yoongi to bite you."

At this, the man looks up. "The lamp is yours anyway! Take it! Just keep that thing away from me! WHY IS IT COMING CLOSER?!"

I stop moving closer to him, eyebrows furrowing - it seems too easy. I pat Yoongi's bum and direct him to the other side of the room before turning to address the man again. "You'll just... give it back to me? Then why did you take it in the first place?"

Now that Yoongi's further away, the man looks at me directly, throwing his hands up in what was probably frustration.

"Are you out of your mind? Seriously, did you get knocked on the head too hard before or something? Why would I take the lamp? It's literally yours? I can't? Do anything with it? Just? Take it?"

It was my turn to splutter. "Well- I- Alright then? I'll just? Take it?" It's strange to be talking in question marks, but everything about this situation is strange and I don't have the time to get hung up on the details.

I rush forward before he can change his mind, swiping the lamp from his hand. I cradle it to my chest, deciding right there that the next person to even glance at it without my permission is getting castrated.

"Can't you keep it away from me?" The stranger jerks his head at Yoongi, who was pawing through a pile of gold, completely unaware that he was the object of the man's derision.

"It isn't even near you and it has a name. Yoongi. He's not gonna hurt you."

"Mmm-hmm, that's what they all say before letting those monsters maul your face off."

"It's a little concerning how oddly specific that was, but Yoongi's not gonna 'maul your face off', he can't even catch rats. Anyway, can't you just save yourself by doing whatever it was you did before?" Before, when my body stopped but my mind didn't. "Um. What did you do before."

"Well, that's exactly what I changed into this incredible outfit to explain!" He gestures at himself, the diamonds throwing light around the room. "I literally told you I have a song prepared. You have a problem with that?" He adds in the question, probably realising that my face was twisted in disgruntlement.

"Can't you just say it?"

The man visibly deflates, and I almost take my words back. Almost, but not really. He clicks his fingers again and he's back in the harem pants and vest, then once more, and two plush armchairs appear. I think I'm already desensitised to things popping into existence.

"Sit," he gestures, plonking into the one opposite. "Since you want to do this the boring way. What do you want to know?"

I sink into the seat, half expecting it to disappear from under me, but it holds. Yoongi jumps into my lap, and I quickly look up at the man for his reaction, but he seems to have calmed down from his initial fear - he just purses his lips and avoids looking at Yoongi.

"I guess I'll start with... Who are you? And how did you get here without me noticing?"

He cocks his head. "Do you even know what the lamp is?"

I look down at my lap where Yoongi was batting at the purple gem in the lamp. I don't want to let on that I knew what the lamp can do, but something gave me the feeling the man already knew. "Yeah, it's a magic lamp. Makes all your wishes come true."

"Wow, it's so interesting that you think that because that's wrong."

Cue round two of me spluttering. This man did not just show up, out of nowhere, and deny what I have known for the last eight years.

"Wrong? What do you mean wrong, I'm supposed to be the only one left who knows about this lamp."

"And who told you about it? Actually, it doesn't matter, because sorry to disappoint you, honey, but whoever it was didn't have their facts straight. The lamp doesn't do anything, it's just a vessel for the real wish granter. That's me."

I blink, waiting for the punchline. It doesn't come, though, and the man cocks his head again, an amused smirk lifting his lips.

"Since you haven't figured it out yet, I'll spell it out for you. I am a djinn, a genie if you will. And since you freed me, you are now my master until I grant you your wishes." He furrows his eyebrows. "No wait, I've missed something. You know, my song was perfected to give all the information you need in the right order and now you've messed me up."

And then he starts humming something under his breath, bobbing his head to the beat in his head. "Oh! You have four wishes. And my name is Seokjin."

"What?!" Oh hell no.

"Yikes, what's with that reaction. Seokjin isn't a weird name or anything so-"

"No, what do you mean four wishes? I'm supposed to be able to make as many as I want!" If I can only have four wishes...

"I mean exactly that. I can grant you four wishes, no more, no less - not that anyone's ever wanted less. And before you even think it, you can't ask for more wishes." He looks at me sternly, as if it's something he's had to say repeatedly.

His words feel like a physical blow to my chest, winding me and making my brain blank. Four wishes. That certainly is less than I had planned for, but I guess it could have been a lot worse. I could have had only one wish, or I could have never found the lamp. Yes, thank goodness I have at least this many - I just have to make sure I make it count.

"Are you okay? You haven't said anything for, like, two minutes. I mean, I'm used to people becoming speechless in my presence, but you look more stressed out than in awe, so."

"Huh?" I shake myself out of my increasingly spiralling thoughts. "Yeah, I'm okay, I just... Wait, the ball!"

Only four wishes? This new stranger I'm apparently stuck with? Both of those I can deal with, I can find a way. But if I miss this ball then it doesn't matter how many wishes I have, I won't even be able to start with my revenge plan.

The ball, as in the prince's twenty-third birthday ball, which is only a week away. It was announced by the king when the prince was only ten: a grand ball open to nobility from all over the world. Even in Paaratham, the announcement sent tremors through towns because the prince was to choose his bride from among all the single noblewomen that attended.

I'm not from a noble family, and I'm definitely not a princess, but I'm determined to be the one the prince chooses.

The lamp was supposed to help me with that, and I had planned to wish myself into the kingdom after getting the lamp, but that's not an option anymore. If I wanted to get there in time, I need to leave now.

Immediately, I snap into action. I start stuffing my pockets with gold, since I don't have much more money on me, and packing into my rucksack the few bolts of fabric that were already tailored into clothes. The man - Seokjin, I tell myself - only stares at me, until I address him.

"Some of us can't magic up stuff whenever we want, so excuse me for snatching what the dead won't use anyway. Is there anything from here you want to take?"

"Me?" He looks shocked, probably thinking I must be dumb to ask a genie if he needs anything.

"No, the creeper behind you. Yes, you, is there anything you need from here? You have two minutes."

I go back to filling my pockets as Seokjin frantically rustles through the room. I don't see what he's getting but he seems satisfied when I call him to me.

Yoongi meows at him, obviously wanting to investigate Seokjin, but I pick him up and lay him on my shoulder. I kinda want to figure out this whole genie thing too, but I don't have the time right now.

Right now, I've got to get to the capital, Mansae. Everything else I can sort out later.

"Alright, magic boy. Let's get outta here."

i can do this all day masterlist

next chapter

[loulougoingsolo]

DIYing a Bold Hair Choice

So, as we all know, we live in troubling times. I've personally been living in quarantine-like arrangements for about a month now, and although I've been mostly doing alright, some things have proven to be hard. I was supposed to have my hair professionally cut and dyed this week, but I had to cancel the appointment, and at the moment, I don't know when I'll get to visit the salon for the next time. So, I had to take matters (or scissors) to my own hands.

I'm a DIYer, but I've never cut my own hair. I've also had it professionally dyed since I was 15 or so. For a short period, I only had it bleached and cut by a pro, but then dyed it myself with a pretty intense cool shade of red - but other than that, and a few toner touch ups, I've always relied on professionals. So I was in a bit of a pickle, when I realized that I'd have to either DIY or have my grey roots grow wild for months. And because my hair is short, the roots way too grey for my age, and I had all this time ln my hands, there was really only one way this could go.

When I go about a DIY project, my first step, always, is thorough research. I had an idea for what I'd attempt to achieve, so I went on Youtube and searched for diy haircuts. I got some good tutorials, but most of them were for long hair - and I also got suggested GMM episode #989, in which Rhett and Link battle in cutting their own hair (wigs). Can I just say, they predicted the Tiger King craze long before Netflix:

So, I immediately figured I would not be able to follow yhe hair styling tutorials of this GMM episode. First of all, I could only find one pair of scissors even remotely sharp enough to cut hair. They were not sharp enough. Secondly, the longest part of my hair barely reaches my chin. I would need to really commit to every snip I make, or I'd end up with a bald hair style, instead of bold. As attractive and gorgeous some people are with a fully shaved head, with my head shape, that was something to avoid at all costs.

Another thing I was worried about was that I'd probably end up cutting my own finger, like Link. I've always found it extra difficult to see my own reflection in a mirror and try to do accurate motions according to the reflection. Simply put, my brain gets confused. Also, I don't really have a way to see the back of my head through the mirror at all. How the crap am I supposed to cut anything?

At this point, I understood that the actual haircut was going to be the tough part, so I decided to focus on the dye. Since I cojldn't just go to a big supermarket to buy the equipment, I had to order the dyes online. At this point my plan was simply to buy a multitude of wild colours to mix and match according to my mood, so I ordered a tub of Midnight Blue, Daffodil Yellow, Flamingo Pink and Cerise dyes, all by the brand La Riche Directions. These dyes are semi-permanent, sonI knew they wouldn't cause permanent damage to my hair, and at this point, that was kind of my goal - whatever I do, I don'g want to ruin things too badly. But, because I'm familiar with semi-permanent dyes, and I've had pretty much every shade on the spectrum on my hair at one point, I knew I might require an extra step to see results. Which is why, "just in case", I added a hair lightening kit to my order. I figured, I'd make some lighter strands on top, to have some colours show properly.

By the time the dyes arrived, I was already pretty fed up with my grey roots. I watched the GMMore which followed the hair cut episode. Rhett, who won the haircut challenge, got to decide what colours would go in Alex's hair. Alex had done the smart thing and bleached his hair professionally to be dyed in this episode, but he somehow agreed to letting Rhett and Link add the colours.

When Rhett explains everyone how he and Link used to dye eachother's hair back in the day, I realize that even though I'm technically watching a DIY hair tutorial, they aren't actually doing it themselves. It's quite different to put dye on someone else's head than your own. (Also, something I didn't notice back when I first saw this episode: Link says it would be crazy for him to have his hair dyed, but looking back, he most certainly had his hair dyed at this time.)

It was slightly alarming to see that Alex was worried about how things would go. I could hardly expect to achieve anything much better than the guys, since at least they had the studio lighting and a full team to help rhem not screw up. I had a mirror in my dark toilet, which is barely big enough to stand in.

I also forgot to buy vaselkne, which was a big mistake - although I don't think it's even possible to buy a container that big here. Why would they have that at Mythical in the first place? But something about seeing how much trouble the guys were having controlling the unmixed streaks of dye and all that vaseline made me worried.

At this point, I need to tell you that seeing the blank canvas which was Alex's hair, I, now the proud owner of a 40 % bleack kit (which apparently is the strong stuff), decided I was not going to waste energy by trying to dye my hair without bleaching, only to find out that the colours didn't show. So, I mixed the bleach, put on a worn-out t-shirt, used hand lotion to vas up my forehead, neck and ears, and then just went for it.

I did watch quite a few proper tutorials. They taught me, firstly, that 40% was a no-no. Secondly, never bleach something that has already been bleached, especially, if your hair has multiple colours. Forth, never start from the roots, as they get bleached faster (this ended up being the only rule I followed). And, above all, go to a professional.

So, I added the bleach to my hair. First I tried sticking to just a few strands, but then a blop of the bleach fell on the wrong spot, and I figured, why not just go full head. I did. I left the stuff on for maybe 20 minutes, and after that I got scared and rinsed it off. Then, I used a silver toner, and was left with a fascinating mix of orange, yellow and white hair - and a strand of persistent green from my previous dye. But it was blond enough for my plans.

Alex had a beautiful mix of blue, pink and purple in his hair - and that accidental splash of green - and after considering thoroughly, I decided to go for these colours, too. I mean, pink, purple and blue are my jam. Also, as much as I wanted to go full rainbow, I figured it would be an impossible task to keep the different colours from mixing, and that might result in brown, which is the colour of defeat. So, I went with midnight blue, flamingo pink and cerise, and wasn't too concerned aboit getting the colours mixed together.

This is how Alex's hair looked on the episode, before he rinsed the extra dye off:

I couldn't find any good photos of his hair after it was rinsed, but tgere was one which suggested only a faint shade of blue stuck.

And finally, here's what happened with my hair. Now, I'm not posting my face here, just the hair. Imagine a white blop with green eyes below the hair, and you'll get the idea. In the first two pictures is my hair during normal times, and just before I diyed it. It looks particularly nasty in the just before hack job pic, because it was adviced not to wash your hair before bleachkng to save the scalp - but as you can see, this was not a fun thing to see in the mirror each morning:

After I had dyed my hair, I did some snips here and there, and also, because I was able to borrow a hair clipper from my dad, some clipping - which in my books, saved the day. The haircut is pretty botched, but I actually absolutely love the colour. And the criss-cross shave despite it being pretty bad - it also looks badass in real life. The picture taken outside shows the pink colours more accurately, but the cut shows better in the other pic. There are a couple of ways I can style this later on, but I kept styling to minimum for starters, because I didn't want to cause extra damage to my hair:

So, this has been the story of how I diyed my hair during quarantine. My mom loves the whole thing (I showed it to her yesterday while taking them groceries), and although there are some spots in the back which could have more colour in them, I'm pretty satisfied. I know my hairdresser is going to weep when she sees me, but she'll get over it.

So, in conclusion: Would I do this again? Yes, but I'd definately leave the cutting and bleaching to the pros. Also, now I can't really bleach again for a while. But I'm actually thinking about taking the dyes I have to my hairdresser so she can dye my hair properly with them, in a healthier way, once all this chaos settles and it's safe again. I'd probably need a slightly darker, permanent colour to the roots, but I absolutely love these insanely bright colours. And I'm so going to try the full rainbow this summer, too.

Would I recommend this to others? Yes, but with caution. The direct semi-permanent colours are safe and won't damage the hair, but bleach does. My hair is naturally a tad too dark to show bright colours properly, so I took the risk. I was also mentally prepared to shave the whole thing off and wear my mythical hat for the summer - but I'm happy that wasn't necessary. If you aren't willing to risk damaging your hair, stick to semi-permanents.

To end this post, here's a selfie I took yesterday on my grocery store trip in full safety gear (I have a paper mask under the scarf):

Stay safe! Do things that make you happy! BYMB! 💗💗💗