#once again hitting that “how can I forgive myself if I can't forgive other people and by extension my brother” note

[buccellato]

Thinking about the train hostage arc in the first Trimax book....and I have some thoughts on some of the takeaways I've seen (in other places).........

I'm ngl it kinda bothers me when people read into the train hostage arc in trimax as "Vash is 100% in the wrong, just like his brother", because that was very much not the intended reading...it wasn't just supposed to be a "look how flawed Vash's ideology is in practice" moment (that's the hospital yuri arc ❤), it was supposed to be a "look how hard it is in this world for Vash to abide to his moral code, and yet he still does it despite the negatives" moment. He wasn't exactly happy with the end solution and wasn't exactly fighting super hard to stop the father from shooting the accused killer—he almost let him do it, even—but he wanted to ultimately stop the cycle of bloodshed and was willing to make himself look like a jackass doing so. The arc is a narrative set-up for the penultimate conflict of the series; it's not so much about the merits of righteous violence vs. pacifism but rather setting the stage for a showdown between vengeance vs. absolution.

Now, would I do the same if I were in Vash's thigh-high boots? No of course not, fuck that one dude in particular lmao. But I don't exactly think Vash is weaker or unprincipled for choosing the option he did, either.

[strwbmei]

Kinktober : Level 2.

summary: as a loyal servant, you've grown tired of the archon taking your work for granted.

contains: gn reader, reader has a dick, anal, dubcon, brat taming, semi-public sex, spanking, crying, degradation, humiliation, you write on her, no aftercare, rough sex

pairing(s): furina x reader

a/n: uh. accidentally scheduled to post this for the 15th and just realized now. oops. hope the dialogue isn't too cheesy...

thats all for now, i'll be a bit busy this weekend so i can't promise that i'll be able to respond to asks/messages

NSFW below the cut !

"Unhand me right this insta-!"

"Shut. Up."

You had your Archon's wrist pinned to the wall; petite and feeble arms uselessly flailing as she made what could only be called a pathetic attempt at resistance. "Do you think you're getting away with this?! Just wait 'til this is over, you..!"

You roll your eyes. "Me? Do you even know my name?" You'd been such a loyal servant— obeying her every whim, working tirelessly because of the impossible demands she had set, and yet; she didn't even know who you were. Not once has Furina spared you a second thought. You were merely one of her servants. Hers to command and control as she pleased.

She let her mouth hang open for a second before closing it again, biting back a retort that she can't think of. "What's wrong, dear Archon? Aren't you going to fight back?"

Furina had always acted so high and mighty, but merely cornering her in a dusty, secluded warehouse had her feeling so weak and small— at least, in your presence. Wait, no— she's an Archon! What right did you have to treat her like this? You should be groveling at her feet for forgiveness if anything!

Though, as much as Furina wanted to... she couldn't deny how aroused she was getting. You scoff seeing her clench her thighs together. "Of course, this whole situation gets you wet. Fuckin' slut." Before she could make up a comeback, you let go of her wrists.

"Bend over and put your hands on the wall."

"I don't wanna!"

"I wasn't asking. Don't make me repeat myself." You ordered, using a tone full of authority that made Furina's heart skip a beat. She's been the one ordering and bossing people around for as long as she can remember, and she certainly doesn't mind, but she had no idea that giving someone else control could feel so... freeing.

Begrudgingly, she followed your orders; turning around and resting her palms on the dusty walls.

A second passed, nothing. Furina found a sort of thrill in the anticipation of what you'd do, but it was still nerve-wracking nonetheless. A few more seconds passed, and as Furina was about to speak, her words were cut off by a moan she didn't even realize she let out when you spanked her ass.

Her body threatens to lose its balance, knees faltering and hands slightly slipping. You rub the spot where you had hit in a mockingly soft way. "Aww, too much for my spoiled goddess?" You cooed into her ear; her frustration evident. Just then, an idea pops into your head. "Mm... I know, why don't we play a game?"

"Since you forgot my name," She looks at you with a confused expression from over her shoulders; heterochromatic eyes already glossy and wet with tears that threaten to spill onto her smooth skin. "I'll give you a name, instead." The game sounded simple enough, but the sadistic smirk you had on your face spoke volumes.

"From now on, I want you to refer to yourself as my personal cocksleeve. Not the Hydro Archon. Not Furina. When you're in my presence, you don't serve any other purpose but to take my cock. Got it?"

The Archon, the respected and feared Archon of Fontaine, meekly and hesitantly nods; so weak suddenly. Her obedience, though unexpected, pleased you— unlike her silence. What happened to the loud, irritating voice she used as she bossed and ordered you around? Where did all that strength go?

Slap.

Furina yelped. "I asked you a question." You're sure that her body would have tumbled over if you weren't holding her ass up. "I-I uh," Embarrassment filled her as she stuttered. Slap. "Yes..!" You snickered at her whiny tone, which you're sure wasn't on purpose.

You pulled her shorts down, a string of her slick connecting her cunt to her now ruined panties. Fuck. "Are you really getting wet from this?" You mock. Your finger ghosts over her entrance, and you can feel it throb and flutter around nothing.

"No, I'm not..! Do you really think that-"

Slap.

"I didn't give you permission to speak." The second you take a step back, it feels as if the weight of the world was lifted off of Furina's shoulders. "Tell you what, since I'm feeling generous..." This time, you slap her cunt, making her whine from the mix of pain and pleasure.

"I'll give you three seconds. If you run away, you can throw me in a jail cell or do whatever you want to me. But if you don't," Her ass is an angry red from the sheer force of your slaps, and you take it upon yourself to rub it in teasing circles before slapping it once again. "I'll humiliate and fuck you until you're a good-for-nothing slut."

"Three." You stay completely still, arms crossed as your figure loomed over the other woman. "Two." Furina stays unmoving, and you can see her cunt glisten with arousal. "One."

As she looked back over her shoulders, her stomach churned with both excitement and nervousness once she saw the sadistic smirk on your lips. "Fuckin' brat. You're fucking disgusting." Although your words sounded like you were insulting her, you couldn't be more proud to have the Hydro Archon bending herself over for you, wet pussy on display— all for a servant she never even gave a second glance at.

No matter how much Furina wanted to deny it; fight back... she was incredibly desperate and horny— and even if she didn't want you to know that, her body told you all about it. The weight and consequences of her decisions don't hit her— at least, not until she feels your thick cock, hard and as rigid as stone from her doing, resting on her back.

Just an hour ago, she was going on about her day as usual. Under no circumstances would she imagine that she'd be getting her ass pounded by you in a dirty storage room, praying to whatever other gods existed out there that you wouldn't get caught.

"Shiit..." The death grip you have on her waist doesn't relent, still as strong as it was before your first orgasm. How many times has Furina cum? None. It doesn't matter. She'll take any scrap of pleasure she can get at this point— she just wants to be filled. "So tight... just for me." You can feel her balance faltering as you slap her ass again.

And you don't even fulfill that. You're completely selfish; the only reason you chose to fuck her ass was solely because while it was tighter, she receives little to no pleasure. Plus, not many people can say that they've fucked an Archon in the ass. You wanted her to learn that she's merely a toy— and that it doesn't matter if she doesn't cum as long as you do.

At least, that was what you intended.

You chuckle darkly through heavy breaths, seeing Furina squirt and make a mess everywhere. "Seriously? You're cumming and squirting like a whore from getting your ass fucked? How pathetic can you get?"

Just then, a thought crosses your mind: how pathetic can she get?

Looking over at the pile of boxes next to you, you spot a marker on top of some documents that you hope were unimportant, seeing how some of Furina's juices got on them. You don't check to see if the marker is washable or permanent. You spread her legs even wider, and the last thing she hears is the cap getting removed before feeling a short, cool sensation on the back of her thighs.

"Every time you cum from me fucking your ass," Slap. "I'll write something on your body." Furina doesn't respond. She doesn't trust herself to run her mouth; remembering how that was the reason this encounter happened in the first place.

You lift her off your cock, making her whine at the loss of contact. She quickly realizes what you were trying to do as soon as you turn her to face the door. "N-no... please!" The Archon tries to make use of the rest of her feeble strength, kicking— though her actions tickled you more than it hurt.

"Oh, baby..." You cooed. Your tone almost reminded her of your meek, monosyllabic replies to her bossing you around— but now, there was an added sultriness and authority. "You can fight back all you want if that makes you feel better, but we both know you want this."

"Look. Even if you don't want to admit it, at least your body is honest." You rub on her still-sensitive clit, prolonging and coaxing out more of her orgasm. Tears start streaming down her face as soon as you bring her down on your cock, ass stretching to accommodate your size.

"Please, 'm sorry!... I'm... mhmff... Your personal cocksleeve is sorry! If we get caught..." Her words are cut off by a particularly hard thrust knocking the air out of her lungs. You smile at her words, but your pace doesn't relent. In fact, it gets even faster. "Oh? You know your name. I thought you were too dumb for even that." Besides, the way she clenched tighter once you positioned her in front of the door of the warehouse didn't go unnoticed.

She keeps on begging and apologizing through sobs and moans, feeling herself close to passing out with the sheer force of her incoming orgasm. With a loud sob, her body grows limp and her cum forms a puddle on the ground beneath you two.

"Tsk. All that talk, and she couldn't even last two rounds." You groan, laying her slack body on the floor. Her legs are trembling, and her thighs are a sticky mess. Her gaping hole is filled to the brim with your cum, just as it should be. There are numerous writings on her previously sacred body; namely words such as 'slut' and 'whore.'

With a few jerks of your cock, warm ropes of your cum shoot out and cover the woman beneath you. You zip up your pants, leaving her both physically and sexually ruined for the next person who would be unfortunate enough to find her.

╰┈➤ taglist ; @nbdaddykink , @teethoftheeditor , @roninraccoon , @commandercarbs , @sapphic-simp4015 , @truculentbantam , @vrachis , @dukemira , @arbiteriey , @krowbyss

[poohsources]

🐝  *  ―  𝑻𝑯𝑬 𝑳𝑬𝑮𝑬𝑵𝑫 𝑶𝑭 𝑲𝑶𝑹𝑹𝑨 𝑺𝑬𝑵𝑻𝑬𝑵𝑪𝑬 𝑺𝑻𝑨𝑹𝑻𝑬𝑹𝑺.

❛  so, i sort of started a civil war ...  ❜ ❛  i am so sorry for turning my back on you as my mentor.  ❜ ❛  i needed to understand what real suffering was, so i could become more compassionate to others.  ❜ ❛  what's the big idea with making me train this early in the morning? the morning is evil.  ❜ ❛  oh, i'm sorry. did i put you in a difficult position by fighting the giant force of pure evil that was going to destroy the whole world? maybe your administration could have handled that.  ❜ ❛  fighting is something the old me would do. that always made things worse.  ❜ ❛  let's go on a vacation, just the two of us. anywhere you want.  ❜ ❛  it's all right. people usually assume that i'm daddy's helpless little girl, but i can handle myself.  ❜ ❛  the world is in trouble ... i have to go help.  ❜ ❛  i'm impressed. no one has ever gotten the better of me like that.  ❜ ❛  i assure you, i have a plan. and i'm saving you for last; then you'll get your duel, and i will destroy you.  ❜ ❛  when we hit our lowest point, we are open to the greatest change.  ❜ ❛  i did what i had to do to survive and protect my little brother.  ❜ ❛  and ... what am i going to find if ... i get through this?  ❜ ❛  we should always learn from those who came before us, but we must also forge our own path.  ❜ ❛  why don't you come and find out?  ❜ ❛  if you look for the light, you can often find it. but if you look for the dark, that is all you will ever see.  ❜ ❛  you need to make decisions based on what you want. don't make the same mistakes i did.  ❜ ❛  i don't know what i'm supposed to be doing half the time.  ❜ ❛  right, friends. no, no, i didn't mean to imply.  ❜ ❛  i do like the idea of putting you on a train and sending you far, far away.  ❜ ❛  you need me, but i don't need you.  ❜ ❛  you swore your loyalty to me and i gave you a chance at greatness. this is how you repay me?  ❜ ❛  i told you dating a teammate would be a bad idea.  ❜ ❛  stick around five minutes and you'll find out who's bluffing.  ❜ ❛  wait! we can't fight them all. we need to be smart about this.  ❜ ❛  you know, it's okay to be scared. the important thing is to talk about our fears, because if we don't, they throw us out of balance. i'm always here for you, if you want to talk.  ❜ ❛  what i'm trying to say is, as much as you drive me crazy ... i also think you're pretty amazing.  ❜ ❛  see, that's what i admire about you, [ name ]: your willingness to go to extremes in order to get what you want. it is a quality we both share.  ❜ ❛  ending a relationship is kind of like pulling off a bloodsucking leech. you just gotta rip it off and get it over with. you'll feel a lot better afterwards. trust me.  ❜ ❛  don't tell me you are still mad about everything that happened?! i did some good things, too!  ❜ ❛  all right, hold on. will you quit ignoring me and tell me what's going on?  ❜ ❛  how about, for now, i just promise not to show up at your house and attack you again?  ❜ ❛  what would you do, if you were in charge? help me be more like you.  ❜ ❛  i wish you were putting up more of a fight, but it was still fun.  ❜ ❛  please, just let me say one thing, then i'll never contact you again.  ❜ ❛  i'm not sure i'll ever be able to forgive you. but that doesn't mean i shouldn't try.  ❜ ❛  i came here to look you in the eye and tell you that you have no power over me. i will no longer be scared of you.  ❜ ❛  but if you had any other options, you wouldn't be here now, would you? we may have been enemies once, but for now, our interests align.  ❜ ❛  you don't have to apologize for anything. i'm just so happy you're here now.  ❜

[noahsresources]

HURT / COMFORT STATEMENTS THAT HIT ME RIGHT IN THE FEELS

pardon me please, i'm just having a moment. possible tw for suicidal ideation and references to death and loss. bonus points for specifying a scenario!

from those who are struggling. ❝ i never thought i'd ever make it this far. ❞ ❝ ... when were you going to tell me about this? ❞ ❝ i don't ever want you to die. please ... don't die ... ❞ ❝ we had our whole lives planned out. ❞ ❝ i just can't, it's too much. it's too fucking much. ❞ ❝ losing him/her/them was the cruelest thing i've ever experienced. ❞ ❝ people say things like, 'you're going green with envy', or 'there's smoke coming out of your ears'. you think they'd come up with a statement like that that describes someone who's in constant pain like this ... ? ❞ ❝ sometimes you need to make room for grief. make time for it. embrace it. it's all i've been doing as of late. ❞ ❝ how is it possible to hurt this much when nothing's wrong? ❞ ❝ drowning in sadness is more fulfilling than drowning in pleasure these days. ❞ ❝ it's hard to let go of the fact that i'm probably going to outlive everyone else in my life. ❞ ❝ i've already lost everything near and dear to my heart. everything except for you. ❞ ❝ i'm just so tired. i just want to go to sleep and never wake up again. ❞ ❝ i was so close to giving up once. ❞ ❝ i don't want him/her/them to die alone. i'd never forgive myself. ❞ ❝ please, don't go ... i just need to feel your arms around me ... ❞ ❝ there's a reason why i hide my emotions locked in a metal cage so deep in my heart. it's so i won't get hurt like this again. ❞ ❝ i've always had to deal with these kinds of things alone. i don't need your help. ❞ ❝ it was my fault. i did this to him/her/them ... ❞ ❝ i can't even see my future anymore. i don't want to. ❞ ❝ there's no way i could possibly be this important to you. ❞ ❝ if i lose him/her/them, then there'll be nothing else for me to live for. ❞ ❝ i don't see a point anymore. in going on, i mean. ❞ ❝ time won't slow down. it never does. i had to learn that the hard way early on. ❞ ❝ go away ... please, just go away. ❞

from those offering support. ❝ ... i'm sorry. i'm so, so fucking sorry that you had to lose him/her/them. ❞ ❝ it wasn't your fault. you did everything you could. ❞ ❝ just remember they'll always be in your heart. ❞ ❝ i don't know what to say to make you feel better, but ... i'm here for you, if that means anything. ❞ ❝ believe it or not ... i know how you feel. i've been through this exact same thing. ❞ ❝ he/she/they loved you. he/she/they loved you so much. trust me ... i know. ❞ ❝ you're not alone. i promise you, you're not alone. ❞ ❝ don't worry, i'll stay. i'm not going anywhere. ❞ ❝ you've been through so much ... be kind to yourself. please. ❞ ❝ it's okay to cry. you don't have to hide your emotions around me. ❞ ❝ you don't have to talk to me. hell, you don't even have to look at me. but, please ... give me a sign that you're hearing what i have to say. ❞ ❝ please ... don't tell me that you'd choose to spend eternity up there with him/her/them over an eternity with me ... ❞ ❝ you're grieving. it's an understandable reaction. but you should rest. you've been overexerting yourself far too much lately. ❞ ❝ the man/woman/person who you lost, who loved you ... he/she/they wouldn't want to see you doing this to yourself. ❞ ❝ crying is your body's way of telling you that you've been keeping everything in for way too long. so let it out. you're safe here. ❞ ❝ sadness is like an ocean. sometimes we drown in it, but other times, we're forced to swim in it. ❞ ❝ as long as i'm here, you'll never not have anyone ever again. ❞ ❝ i hope you know that you can talk to me about anything at all. share anything you need to get off your chest. i'm here for you. ❞ ❝ love is often felt the most in your favorite memories. honor him/her/them by remembering all the happiness he/she/they gave you. ❞ ❝ if you don't feel strong right now, then you don't have to be strong. it's okay to be vulnerable, weak, scared, and sad. ❞

[mapoeggplant]

Man, I am happy that shima is making progress but… the whole situation makes me nervous. There is this, idk how to explain it, menacing undertone through the whole chapter. He is finally acting on his wants, but making a lot of rush decisions largely based on jealousy and loneliness (the fact that we see again how people keep his distance from him. The class politics bit was funny but also kinda sad). The Frankenstein's monster kills people as an act of vengence, but essentially it's a desperate cry for love and attention born out of jealousy, abandonment and hurt. Something Shima relates to a lot. The thing is, while jealousy motivated him before in a positive way (joining the club, confronting ririka), it is not healthy when it's your main compelling force. Of course Shima isn't really doing anything wrong (or i guess it depends whether people agree with Yasaka's perspective) and he wants to hang out with Mitsumi because he enjoys her presence. But there is a lot of other very complicated feelings bubbling in Shima and he is still unable to communicate with her properly. I can't help but wonder what if it ends up hurting her again? And what if this time she really gets angry? We've seen them "fight" before - once when they didn't know each other that well and the second time when shima didn't stand up for her and she ended up kinda swallowing her own feelings. The thing is, Mitsumi is lovely, considerate and forgiving person, and she loves Shima, but she is only a human. In a way, getting angry and allowing herself that feeling would be an interesting development for her too. As for Shima if he were to hurt Mitsumi again, who would stand on his side? Not the girls, Mukai probably wouldn't be too happy with him either. In that scenario - wouldn't Shima prove to himself that he is a monster doomed for life of loneliness? Well, not really, because conflicts are part of any close relationship and I think Shima has to learn that. He is no Frankenstein's monster, just 16. I find it interesting that he will perform the play twice.. perhaps with a different interpretation each time?

That was a whole lot of speculation and watch me be completely wrong and their Kyoto date being the fluffiest and sweetest chapter lol. Also, so sorry for writing a whole as essay, i surprised myself there 😭 

hi! first, please don't be sorry, it's completely ok for you to send a big question to me like this!!

I totally understand and see your point. it is very difficult for shima to be dealing with feelings as heavy as these and to see himself as a monster. it's not healthy and it's not the best feeling in the world, and feeling jealous is always something that hurts a lot.

but I also want to give you a new perspective on this: he's finally acting on his own, be it for acting itself and for trying to express his feelings to mitsumi. he, for the first time, didn't kept it to himself and just stayed in the corner, sad and resentful. he acted a little spoiled and needy? yes, but it's not a terrible thing to act like that once in a while.

now I want to hit a point that you said and I understand where you're coming from: shima hurting mitsumi again. I'm not going to lie, ofc this stays in the back of my mind and I do think about this a lot, not only for the Kyoto trip, but their whole relationship. it's sad to see him not being able to understand his own feelings and acting out on impulse and risking loosing mitsumi but, if it ever comes to a point that he does hurt mitsumi and make her cry, shouldn't we hold him accountable for that?

listen, I'm a shima defender till I die. I'm on this boat for two years (and a half??????? I'm bad with dates, sorry LMFAO) now and I won't back down but if he eventually does something wrong, why would I stay by his side and deny he ever did something wrong? to love a character is to accept that they can fuck up and pick it back again. I won't ever put him in a standard of being perfect and not able to hurt mitsumi at all, but I won't also put him on fire because he made a mistake. he's a teenager. he's traumatized. he's carrying a pain that has been with him longer than his life without certain pain. ofc he will make mistakes and ofc he will fuck it up and...that's completely ok. that's fine. that's life.

I know he's fictional and that his actions are created by a person. he isn't real so like, there IS someone controlling him but for the whole narrative of skip to loafer, we saw characters that were very human, that made mistakes and stood back up, that got hurt, that have complex feelings. so I trust sensei to give me a character that can do something wrong, acknowledge that and fix it. my problem would be if she decides that shima can't do anything wrong anymore or make him commit a lot of mistakes and never realize them (which he never did. he knows were he was wrong, even on the situation between the other girls that left mitsumi sad. he knows he was wrong).

also, shima isn't a monster. him finding solace and seeing himself on frankenstein doesn't mean that he's going to act exactly like the monster himself. actually, in the chapter, he sees the monster's mistakes and reflect on them. he also sees the scientist mistakes. sometimes we find comfort in morally gray characters and that doesn't make us a bad person — what it does is how we act upon that and how we behave accordingly with it.

so, what I want to say with all this: shima is slowly finding his place on earth and trying to make his feelings fall into place. that means he won't ever make a mistake again? no, never. who knows, maybe he can fuck it up on the Kyoto trip and we, as readers and as people who love him, need to call him out. and honestly, I would be very glad if mitsumi was the one to call him out and say "listen, you are hurting me. I'm not going to put up with this". she's sweet, kind and open minded, but she can also stand up for herself, like she did other times as well.

shima is one of the most important characters for me in a whole while. I see myself a lot on his journey to self discovery and just love him and the way he's written, overall. as a writer, he's even my style of character, the type I love to write. so yeah, I will still be making analysis on him, will still defend him with my eyes closed and will still love him. but I will also recognize his mistakes, expose them and try to understand why he did it (all ofc analyzing him as a character, we need to remind us of that!! he's a character and the characters around him, mitsumi included, don't know about his traumas at all).

I hope I didn't sound rude in any way, because that's not what I meant to. I just wanted to be very frank and open with you, because I understand your frustrations and I see what you mean. honestly, it's hard to say "this and that is going to happen" right now, since we're in a very "open" part of the story, starting a new arc that's far from its climax. I hope you understood what I meant and that you can find some sort of comfort on my words.

well, i hope you feel comfortable enough to keep making questions and having a discussion with me!! reflecting on this was very fun and I loved it a lot. hope it was good for you too!

thank you 💛💛

[mieczyhale]

sorry, babes, but you were ratted out by the fuckin wendy's employee

don't hang around and use their phone if you don't want them telling things to the people who call back. i didn't even ask for details, they just shared, so now i know a couple of things were lies. they're relatively small, in the grand scheme of fucking everything to do with your life and my inescapable place in it, but y'know.. if you lied about those things maybe you lied about the big thing too.

i'm not going to just assume you did, because i believe in innocent until proven guilty - or honest until proven lying, and just because you fucked something up doesn't mean you fucked everything up. maybe the story you told me on the phone DID really happen the way you said it did. it's not out of the realm of possibility. but then.. y'know.. not sure why we didn't hear from you until almost 9 PM.

honestly i'm most irritated that you pulled the "i have no one else to help me" "i'm out of people to call" card repeatedly until i said i'd come get you. and then i get there just to find out hm. someone else also called about you and you already left. that was less than 30 minutes after you hung up. now, did i get there a little later than expected?? yeah. but you know to expect that of me. you know what my ocd is like. you could've waited. but apparently you DID actually have other people that could help you. you dragged my ass out of the house, less than an hour after i got home from work, for nothing. you put me through an unnecessary round of rituals. that is.. the rotten cherry on top.

i hope you're okay, and i hope - for your sake - that you can figure out whatever the fuck is going on (maybe.. idk.. get a hold of your fucking parole officer instead of your manipulative ex and your long suffering sibling in law. just a thought) but bitch i'm at my limit with you. again. this is the.. third time this year we've hit that?? it's a fuckin record.

and you know what?? eventually i'll help you again, and i'll defend you again, and i'll be there for you during the moments you'll later claim nobody was there for you, and you'll apologize and i'll forgive you but not entirely because i don't actually forgive that many people, and you'll be okay until you're not, and every day that you're not is somehow up to me to handle and fix because everyone else passed giving up on you awhile ago, and at some point our mental health got tied together so the worse you're doing the worse i'm doing so i can't actually back out entirely without fucking myself over in a different way from how i get fucked over by being involved-

and honestly i also can't back out because i'm the middle man between you and multiple people - two people always, others when they can't get a hold of you themselves or they won't answer you in return - so y'all and your shit communication would be EXTRA shit if you let me out but, despite my efforts to at least change THAT, none of you actually will let me out and thankfully - THANKFULLY - i at the very least have the power to tell certain people to fuck off, because without that i think i'd lose my goddamn mind even more. because we've been doing this for nearly eleven (11) years and unfortunately - unless you actually get your shit together - i can't see this fucking ending.

because i can't turn off the part of me that loves, and cares, and has an insane defend/protect nature, that wants to do everything i can to help the people i love and that includes you.

all of this fucking bullshit. and it still includes you.

but for the moment i am in the part of the pattern where i am so fucking done. i have this so bad it's good beer and a zebra cake and i'm going to read fic and then sleep and if you fucking call me i'm not going to answer bc i've got nothing to say to you right now.

just... nothing.

if you happen to check your tumblr for once and see this and get pissy?? i don't care. the effect you have on my life is very fucking real and i am allowed to talk about it vaguely. it's too big a part of my life for me not to.

[foxyshadow]

I've been masking a lot recently. To an insane degree. Like I get home, and my extremities are cold from the amount of effort I've put in. And I've been damn good at it. I've been masking hard enough that it's like a mill stone just falls off me once I'm by myself. I don't let anyone see behind that in person.

I may share a little frustration or sadness when people ask, but no one really sees what's behind my eyes. Maybe it's the PTSD, but I learned how to hide behind a mask decades ago now. I'm damn good at it. Most people don't know my tells. And I don't let people learn them.

I'm the quiet rock of my community that people see at events, but I never go to people's homes. I've rarely gone on dates at all, even before covid. And I know why. I logically do. From a purely emotional standpoint, I have done enough harm to enough people that I genuinely don't feel like I deserve that happiness or that I can let people get that close. Logically, I know that the brick wall I put in place is going to be a hell of a lot of pain when it eventually comes down.

I know my depression and ptsd cocktail has me holding people at a distance. It's hard to truly want to change that. I know I have avoidant tendencies. I know that I'm very good at giving others advice on how to reach their own happiness. On motivating them. But I won't take my own advice. I won't let people get that close to me because, unlike those people, I don't have any belief in deserving that sort of life.

I used to listen to asmr roleplays and love it for the escapism to a happier world. Past tense. Now, even in fantasy, I'm angry. I imagine even pushing those characters away. Of being bitter and defeated. Of not wanting to be saved. There's a fatalism when it comes to my own life that's been a specter for a long time. Prior to the ending (and re-establishing) of my last relationship, I couldn't forgive myself for the harm I'd done. I couldn't articulate why I felt they were more capable of recovering than my first love. And then I caused harm again...and now there's another person that I can't ever forgive myself for harming.

I am capable of truly awful things. I can push people away from me. When I know them really well, I'll use every method at my disposal to keep them safe from me. At a certain point, when there's pushback and an unwillingness to go... sometimes, I will even hit at their emotional weak points. I'll use my intelligence and wound them so they won't think of me as worthwhile. And that sickens me about myself. I don't like to let people close to the wounded...thing that I am.

I'm so tired of being this wounded creature.

[talentforlying]

@handgiven: ♬♬♬ THREE songs??? 👀 — SONGS I LOVE

bite the hand - boygenius! this one punched me in the head last month and has not let me go since. it's very much a summary of constantine's attitude towards love and kindness in general; he wants it, craves it, but he's learned to keep his fangs out to survive, and that often means he snaps at someone who doesn't deserve it. this song always makes me think of his sister, especially, and i've sort of assigned it his mourning song for her. she let him in time and time again, gave him a respite from the darkness and a family to be part of, and he repaid her by getting her killed and failing to save her. even though she made the choice to stay in hell, he'll always feel responsible, and she's still always the one he reaches to in his lowest hours, even knowing she's no longer there.

i can't hear you, you're too far away / i can't see you, the light is in my face / i can't touch you, i wouldn't if I could / i can't love you how you want me to

sweet as whole - sara bareilles! one of my earliest constantine anthems, and a great summary of how he generally views the world and brushes off all the terrible things he sees and has happen to him. people suck, and shit happens! that guy's an asshole, that girl's a bitch, he's a bitch, fuck it all and let it go! it's very much a song that he and his friends would belt out if they weren't bound by the laws of toxic masculinity to not know who the hell sara bareilles is, i promise you that. it also provides an excellent reason for why he talks so much shit:

and i hate to think that i ruined the day / of the dick and the queen of the high horse parade / but i'm sick and tired of your poisonous ways / your toxin wasting perfectly good space / and i say what i think / 'cause it's more economic than drugs or a drink

unraveling - the crane wives! if you can't tell already, the crane wives are one of my favorite bands of all time, and this one is the current emotional arc of my current dnd character. in this case, though, i am hitting you directly with the constantine-after-em-falls stick, because GOD!! the survival of faith in a different form, but having to adjust to that change, to mourn the loss of the sapling before you can appreciate the new growth? the tailor + gardener + carpenter examples when we've already talked about how they're both so good with their hands? "my love" as in the unconditional holy love that angel em gives to constantine? the lyric "i never knew i needed you" and the way it's drawn out with such bewildered wonder? my head is actively in my hands.

i once loved a gardener with his dirt-smudged face and hands / trimmed my weeds and gave me room to grow my flowers again / but now my love is gone / and i am left here withering

^ constantine as the garden, struggling to survive being repotted after poisoning his own soil (breaking em's halo)

i once loved a carpenter who carved a smile for me / sanded my rough edges, crafted new and lovely things / but now my love is gone / and i can’t help the fracturing

^ em as the clay, losing his divinity, the unconditional love of god / heaven, and his halo to constantine's hands and having to rebuild

+ 3 songs for em: oh my GOD for fallen em, prayer - ghost quartet, one of my FAVORITE songs in the world from one of my FAVORITE shows / performances!! if you have not looked up the mckittrick performance of ghost quartet, i SO recommend it!! it's also one of my favorites for constantine, but i feel like it just sits so well around the concept of a former angel struggling to adjust to being part of the material world he'd floated through previously, and all that you've talked about em dissociating and struggling to afford himself the same forgiveness he gives so freely to others.

i will try to forgive myself / for living in the dark / for my loss of wonder / for forgetting how to play i will try to forgive myself / for being absent in public / and bored before stars for not remembering / for not being in my body / for not starting right now i will try / to see myself as i am

and while i'm on my crane wives shit, icarus - the crane wives, also my beloved!! i don't even have anything i can say about this one, just look at these fucking lyrics:

oh my brother, my brother, my brother / who have you become in the wake of all that's happened here? they're burning down the orchard to the soil / to the soil, to the grave / spreading out the ashes of a love that only gave and gave . . . it's okay, it's okay / my love will fall with grace

finally, polite and good - secret pie has a very otherworldly em vibe for me, it's very much got a just-outside-of-humanity-playing-human sound to it and the lyrics are spot on with "your tea and your cat". it feels like if em's apartment was just slightly a horror movie in a way, which, with all that biblically accurate angel business, it could be at just the right angle.

don't mind what you see in the mirror / don't mind the shadows that knock at your door / i'll be right here, unchanging sincere / i will be Polite and Good

[ngmn2002]

Hello,Sis! 😊

Wizard Tsukasa or Searcher T,which do you perfer more?

Hello, Sis!

Aww, such a tough question you asked me, I mean... how can I choose one of them, both are awesome.

Haha, of course I will choose 'Wizard Tsukasa'! This guy is the absolute perfection to me among all the other versions of Tsukasa.

I love researcher T! butttt... if it came to "who is my favorite", wizard Tsukasa will win.

After all...

He is... so... dreamy...

I mean...

He is just... perfect.

I mean... everything about him is perfect...

starting from the simple fact that he is simply so handsome, going to the path of him being so amazing, super cool, full of confidence AND a wizard?! A powerful one!! How can I survive that?!

In a way... he feels to me like he is the older version of canon Tsukasa... like... I love how playful he is? And at the same time... how confident he is... He is super confident!! Full of himself... I can't... handle that either... with a look from those sharp eyes of his... I'm done for. Ah... that little smirk of his... it kills me, ok?! I can't handle that!

And need I to add... he is a cute little brother???

Look at how cute he looks when Amane calls for him, how he just drops everything when Amane needs him? Nothing is more important than Amane to him! (because of this little something, sometimes I assume the very first thing Amane made was a tracker for Tsukasa's movements so he will make sure his chaotic (mischievous at times) little brother is safe and out of harm's way, since said little brother wonders around a lot. Call it a great, caring and responsible big brother doing all he can to protect little brother!♡ Hmm... and I think this thing he sent to call Tsukasa kinda works the same way? Given that, sometimes it's fun for me to think of the possibility that Amane does know Tsukasa is a wizard, but keeps it to himself and trusts Tsukasa to be able to take care of himself, yet keeps a close eye on him from afar. Doesn't that make him a wonderful older brother? He gets that Tsukasa has to keep it a secret and doesn't mind that, yet makes sure to take care of him just right... that's Amane for youuu... aww.... great and supportive older brother!! Tsukasa is sure super lucky to have him! their relationship feels so soft to me...!)

Hmm… I have to also mention his way of talking? It's awesome and fits his character perfectly??? All his lines were on spot during the whole AU!

Some examples:

"Shall I teach you?" 💘

"���♪ ... Ah! It's a candy! There's still one left, huh. It looks so sad, all alone... ... But my stomach is full right now~ ..." That sing-song voice of his.... awww...

"... Then I wonder what happens when they're eaten by a familiar that is neither a witch, nor a wizard?" His curious side shines... "I don't know, either! Ahaha!" cheerful and playful once again... "If you're curious, then it'll be fun to see what happens, right? Bye-byeee!" This fun-loving guy! Oh!

"Sure thing. And your magic didn't really blow up in the first place. What I taught you was the "Turn People into Candy Spell", after all." Hit me boldly with the truth! That "sure thing" was gold!! what he said next was so smooth!

"Woah there. I didn't say anything because I wasn't asked. Sorry about that. But it's Halloween, so you'll forgive me, right?" You smug mischievous little thing!! I love you!!

My boy is... sly. As sly as a fox!!! Or a cat? Haha.

"Playful, cheerful, carefree, fun-loving, curious, mischieous, sly, bold, super confident, has a strong gaze, a super cool guy, a powerful wizard, SO capable, great personality... best little brother ever…" ♡

Mix all these together and hit me with them in one blow... how can I not see him as perfect???

You know what?! I may go as far as Nene in here in describing him!!!

You know what?! judging by what she said in there... I always laugh to myself and say... according to that... how was she doing in here???

Here is your ideal guy in person??? Too close and... ooh...

Such a strong gaze, captivating smirk and dazilling confidince he has in there...... such a powerful aura...

Of course, I'm only joking about Nene. But it's fun to point out.

Soooo....

He is so mush fun to have around!!!

A perfect example of a teenager 'wizard' boy to me? If I was a girl his age in his school, I have no doubt I would be one of his fan girls (with/ without knowing he is a wizard). Haha.

Ehhh... this level of confidence and grace are too much for me... I can't help but feel so submissive to them…

So yeah, that's about this wizard guy, who I don't care much about, obviously. ~

Researcher T! I actually talked a lot about how awesome he is in my posts lately...

... sooo... he had his share of the praise. ♡

And to make sure I'm fair to both of them!!! I LOVE BOTH! BOTH ARE AWESOME AND SUPER COOL IN THEIR OWN WAYS.

*******

Thank you so much for the ask, sis. It was so fun to answer! ❤️

[kylesvariouslistsandstuff]

Kind of an add-on, but I've been observing the response to the INSIDE OUT 2 teaser.

I haven't seen this kind of response to an upcoming Pixar movie in a while. Where it seems like the film/toonsphere on the internet is united in anticipating a Pixar movie... Because ELEMENTAL, LIGHTYEAR, and TURNING RED got all kinds of jeers from various (and largely toxic) swamps of the internet. But it seems like there's no complaint about INSIDE OUT 2...

Anxiety seems to be the film's Grogu. People are already falling in love with the character and especially her funky design. I see praise for a female Pixar character that isn't all perfect-looking or overtly "feminized", a man's idea of what a female character looks like vs. a funkier-looking male character. I think Anxiety's design, and what we saw in TURNING RED and such kinda steer us away from Lasseter's very "boys' club" Pixar, or as one person on twitter once put it, "For dads, by dads".

Also, a lot of us suffer from anxiety, myself included, so for a lot of people this character will be super (forgive me for using this word) relatable. First film was basic primal emotions: Joy, Sadness, Anger, Disgust, Fear... And in this film we have a literal mental illness with Anxiety.

This film will singlehandedly cure Disney's animation box office blues. WISH is also apparently tracking very well and will likely outgross ELEMENTAL domestically and maybe soar above it worldwide, too. It costs around the same amount, so $500m should be the floor here. ELEMENTAL just barely missed that, but Disney top brass considered it a success while the praise lauded its leggy run as a "comeback story".

INSIDE OUT was massive back in 2015, and made some incredible numbers for an original movie not based on any pre-existing IP. Performed similarly to the likes of FINDING NEMO and THE INCREDIBLES, made well over $800m at the worldwide box office. With the 9-year wait and the astounding amount of trailer views? Easy billion right here. Perhaps Disney and Pixar knew what was on hand, and probably delayed ELIO - previously set to open this coming March - all the way to summer 2025 for that reason. (That, and - supposedly - to have some time to fix its story troubles. Post-strike, they can get the voice cast back now. Again, if that's all true.)

While box office is largely silly, it'll be cool to see a Pixar film not "flop" again. ELEMENTAL barely checked out, so INSIDE OUT 2 will be their first bona fide smash hit since... TOY STORY 4 all the way back in 2019. A sequel, no less. Hey, remember how the surprise appearance of Forky in the TOY STORY 4 teaser had the internet a-blazin' for a brief bit? Anxiety gives that kind of energy. Maybe a good secret weapon is a neurotic, jumpy character? (Thinking back to it, that TOY STORY 4 teaser is *brilliant*.) It's why people tend to talk about panic attack scenes a lot. I think the generations from millennials (mine) on down are more upfront about their mental health struggles, and the lot of us love to see it represented in some way or another.

From the teaser, I can't quite say much about Anxiety other than love that incredible design. I wonder if its portrayal will, in some way or another, really hit me hard.

As for later Disney-released theatrical animation, I'm going to be curious to see how they go about original stuff. ELIO would've given us an idea of that if it had come out in March 2024 as initially planned, but now post-WISH, we'll have to wait 'til Disney Animation's presumably-original movie comes out in November 2024. It'd be a little disheartening to see only a bunch of sequels (this, TOY STORY 5, ZOOTOPIA 2, and FROZEN III) do well while the originals have trouble.

Worth noting that the biggest animated movies domestically are largely franchise favorites or adaptations of beloved properties. Illumination's SUPER MARIO BROS. MOVIE reigns supreme with over $570m followed by SPIDER-MAN: ACROSS THE SPIDER-VERSE and MINIONS Deux, both of which made over $360m respectively... And then well behind that is PUSS IN BOOTS Dos with $185m, and then SING 2 above $160m. ELEMENTAL is the biggest original so far with $154m. Worldwide's a different beast, as ELEMENTAL outdid PUSS IN BOOTS 2 in overall global gross, for example.

But WISH doing good (with, say, $180m+ domestic and $600m+ worldwide) followed by INSIDE OUT 2 easily breaking the big billion will make for a nice upward trajectory for Disney-released theatrical animation... So that would make WDAS #63 the interesting one to follow. Does that repeat WISH's success? Does WISH's box office inform WDAS films going forward? We shall see.

[wordsandrobots]

[The following is not an essay. It is the author's attempt to grapple with the despair at losing something important to him, presented in hopes someone in a similar situation may know such things are worth grappling with.]

Apropos of Doctor Who's triumphant return to having writing and direction I can actually care about again, I've been reflecting on how much casual 'Moffat-hate' irritates me.

Obviously, I need to unpack that a bit.

I'm talking about the reflexive antagonism towards Steven Moffat's era as show-runner, writing tics, writing in general, moment of centrality to British TV and so on that I am no doubt going to run into if I go anywhere near Doctor Who reviews and analysis again. A sneer about perceived sneering here, another repetition of a narrative-construction gripe there. The regurgitation of old arguments because there is a strong contingent of people who loathe that era and Moffat in general, who have every right to that opinion, and who can quite reasonably bring it up when talking about Russel T Davies' new, second era of running the show, however that shakes out.

The me-problem here is, I loved a lot of 'the Moffat era' of Doctor Who when it was being broadcast. For whatever reason, it hit lots of nice buttons in my head and I had a grand old time watching it unfold. The 11th and 12th Doctors provided some really excellent examples of the show doing its best at what it does best. Indeed, 'Listen' may be my favourite example of a story delving into what Doctor Who is all about, ever.

But there is a degree to which my enjoyment is now perpetually enmeshed in defensiveness. Because the fandom was/is wild tangle of very strong opinions, much of them to the contrary, and that isn't likely to change any time soon.

[And for me personally, my best friend hates that era, which threw into sharp relief a lot of hang-ups I have around needing to justify the things I like. Having an emotional breakdown kind of sharp relief. That's not the sort of thing you just shrug off, even after all this time.]

To be clear, I am not here to defend Steven Moffat. I do not give a rat's arse about Sherlock – it was enjoyable at the time but I can't say it registered beyond 'a thing it was fun to watch once' – and I actively despise Twice Upon A Time, the last 12th Doctor story, for pretty much the exact reasons I think most people rag on Moffat's other work. It is a story ostensibly in conversation with a piece of source material that instead only concerns itself with the refracted, pop-cultural version of said thing, for the sake of being constructed like a joke.

Which in general is an approach far better suited to Doctor Who – a series progressively layering 'canon' atop stories that could not be recalled as anything other than half-remembered versions of themselves for a very long time – than it would ever be for something like Sherlock Holmes. Even if I didn't like Twice Upon A Time, I can at least forgive it as a wider pattern and oh for goodness sake, I've started defending the man anyway, haven't I?

You see the problem. I can't make a critique with any teeth because I am braced for the whole to be dismissed even as I home in on the specific part I wish to unpack. Must I defend a writer in toto because I vibed with one piece of their corpus? I don't think I would for anyone else and yet here we are. This is probably why I count myself lucky to have never been deeply invested in Doctor Who fandom in the communal sense, online or off. This and the people who fawn over the racist giant rat story.

[Talons of Weng-Chiang is a Yellow Peril tale, straight up, nothing else. It also jobs Leela, rendering her forever 'the savage' despite the entire point of her introduction being a rejection of the superstitions imposed on her people and thereafter proving herself extremely capable in new and strange situations. It was also written in Britain in the 70s so this is almost self-explanatory. Just fucking own the fact you enjoy the production values and excellent cast while accepting it's indefensible to claim this is the best the classic series produced, you chronic dipsticks.]

See, I can do it with other examples of what I dislike, bare my teeth and go for the throat. But few people argue we should write off Robert Holmes' extensive contribution to the series because he did a massive racism on account of being a British writer in the 70s. Maybe they should. I don't know.

What I do know is, I understand why the 11th and 12th Doctor eras work for me. I am a white cis man who thought he was straight when they started airing and who is exactly the kind of Doctor Who fan who'd want to solve the regeneration limit with a Five Doctors reference. I never felt like Moffat's grand arcs were talking down to me because, I suspect, I was the kind of person most easily able to imagine I was in on the joke by the end. Then again, the writer who's done some of the most extensive analysis and defence of this era is a trans American woman, whose work did more for my appreciation of Doctor Who history than anyone else. So – yeah.

When I said 'irritate', I meant exactly that. This whole topic is a burr, making it difficult to revisit things I once enjoyed. Maybe this would be the case anyway. I have grown a lot since then. So did Steven Moffat, over the course of writing more Doctor Who than any other person ever. He gave us gender-flipping regeneration, tried colour-blind casting and when it failed to make a difference, specifically cast for a black lesbian. And he revisited Donna's ending with an eye on querying the moral failure of it long before RTD2 wrapped around to the same point. Why should I look kinder on his predecessor, who presided over the abusive shit-show that was the production of the 2005 revival season and yet gets to come back to save the programme again?

Oh, yes. The writing. But Russel T Davies annoys me just as much in some places as Moffat does other people. So it goes. Although I suppose Moffat did hire Toby Whithouse to write the central part of Bill's arc and it was a chauvinistic wet fart because it was Toby Whithouse. He also worked for ages with Mark Gattis, whose writing I could shred on similar grounds. And around and around we go, sniping and arguing which of the middle-aged British guys tried their best, or wrote the worst.

[I am still mourning what Chris Chibnall's era of Doctor Who turned out to be. I was so hyped for getting Jodi Whittaker as the Doctor and then we hit Kerblam! and the oldest, most foundational piece of my inner cultural map no longer felt like something I wanted to be a part of. So yeah, he's the worst, for allowing that story to go out, 'the system isn't the problem, it's the people' and all. That's my 'hot-take', years too late. The man wasted dozens of excellent, interesting, diverse writers and actors on what is ultimately, in my opinion, the most mediocre crap since the Saward Era and his big contribution to the series going forward is to fanwank in an explanation for the Morbius!Doctors that essentially makes the Doctor the specialest special whoever specialed.]

At least Moffat previously made some attempt to spork the god!Doctor approach, before deciding they should textually be the reason evil doesn't triumph in the universe. Sadly, that endpoint seems inevitable. We're long past the days of the Doctor being a university drop-out, bumbling around the universe, interfering from the edges. Pick your saccharine alternative, I guess.

What was I talking about before I dived into my own bitterness and angry fan-ranting? How much people deriding one sitcom writer for his faults and prominence within a particular era of big British TV that sparked vast swathes of internet discourse continues to be an aspect of Doctor Who meta? How that makes me feel? Hah. Who cares?

There's no widely applicable point here, just an emotional sore making me wonder if I'm ready to 'get back into' Doctor Who. Because yes, actively being revolted by the Chibnall Era is the real reason I fell out with the show. And yes, maybe I've just grown beyond the point where Doctor Who satisfies, full-stop (let's leave the political rant about The Zygon Inversion for another time; I'll only be repeating other people). But sitting here, being honestly, genuinely delighted by The Star Beast and Wild Blue Yonder in ways I'd frankly forgotten I could be by Doctor Who . . . there's a still part of me that doesn't want to risk going back and running into those same old arguments. I've seen them before. They're boring. They annoy me. I don't have the energy to deal with it. And I haven't yet worked out how to thicken my skin against them.

Someday, maybe, I will sort the love for Doctor Who I had since I was six and watching Peter Cushing romp around in glorious Technicolor from a factional fandom pissing match I didn't even play a part in. I never was someone who picked fights online over this or tried to make grand sweeping arguments about why X, Y or Z was better. I want to be mellow about differing tastes and just like what I like. I certainly don't want to be the kind of person who rags endlessly on things I didn't enjoy, which is why the emotional outburst above is about as far as I'm prepared to go in talking publicly about the 13th Doctor's run.

[I want to go back. I want to love Doctor Who again, flaws and all. I probably will regardless of this. I am not making a plea concerning fandom's nature. I am neither asking for grace nor extending it. The answer is undoubtedly to carry on along the sidelines, a skulking hermit-crab of a Whovian. Yet the burr remains, the grief sticks and the solid ground of a long-held interest remains cracked. Perhaps that is growth. Self-examination does not entitle one to set discoveries aside, job done, card stamped, and return to pleasures-as-were. Yet I can't deny the raw emotional urgh that comes of hearing the same punches struck over and over, about a portion of the show that at least tried.]

Ultimately, however, I like picking apart the things I enjoy and I enjoy watching others do likewise. And I don't get to do that here without cautiously curating my experience to avoid the ten billionth iteration of ten-year-old internet arguments.

I'll keep doing it, obviously.

But it is irritating.

[This post brought to you by listening to El Sandifer's podcast about The Star Beast. Eruditorum Press is a great site for fascinating media analysis and her TARDIS Eruditorum series is well worth a read if you're interested in the show's development.]

[anotherghoul666]

12, 18, 37! I hope you're having a good night!

Hi Trouble!! ❤️❤️ Thank you for the ask!

12. Have you ever stayed up 48 hours? Yes. Multiple times. Because of a variety of reasons. I recall having done that a good handful of times in my university years, especially during exam weeks and finals. I'd have a normal day then stay up to study, then loose track of time, spend overnight at the library, ride out the fatigue-induced delirium by watching the sunrise at the top of the hill my university was on, overlooking the city, listening to 70s prog rock and crying, then walk into one more day of exams, do my whole day, hit my second wind and be unable to sleep after that XD I've also had to do that a few times in the past few years. Isomnia is a thing. I work night shifts but sometimes I have to flip myself on a day shift for formations or meetings or family activities or trips so 30-ish hours is something semi-usual for me. When I got covid last summer I coughed so much I was completely unable to sleep for almost three days until my pharmacist found a syrup that finally stopped my coughing spasm and then I slept for an entire 24 hours at once to recover. It happens XD

18. Are you scared of spiders? So. On one hand spiders fascinate me. I like the concept of the creature. I think they look rad. I like them in theory. In practice, it's the skittering man. I can't deal with how fast they walk and how they crawl up walls, I feel spiders outsmart us humans routinely and it makes me uncomfortable to see them walk. That's probably a very primitive, lizard brain response that I haven't been able to outgrow yet. Spiders skittering spike my adrenaline. I like spiders outside of my house, I love them in nature, I watch them make their webs and shit and they're such architects, I'd never hurt one in nature. But I feel like, dude, if you're INSIDE MY HOME you're tresspassing and I have a right to defend myself and my people / pets, you know? XD

37. Is it easier to forgive or forget? Oooooh hitting with the deep shit are we! I like this! I feel like both are difficult for me. My neurodivergent brain registers and preserves strong painful moments in my life like an archive, like a damn museum. If a situation or a person ellicits a strong negative emotion in me, it's like a mark, it will stay there forever. I can recall entire conversations word for word from years and years back, from when I was a kid even, and it blows people's minds how accurate my memory is. I wish I could uninstall that function honestly, or have that level of memory for positive things at least, but I don't. Positive moments I have to actively produce physical memories from like pictures and videos or else I will 100% forget about them. I don't know which kind of trauma response that is, but that's how my brain functions and I gotta deal with it XD So like, I don't forget. I can make myself not think of the thing, I can think of other stuff, it's not like every negative memory I've ever had pops out in my mind constantly otherwise I would not function. But the archive is always there and it's pristine. On the other hand, I'm also a person that's sometimes fueled by spite and I motivate myself via anger lots. I am a spiteful motherfucker, I hold grudges. I've put a lot of work into deconstructing the anger in therapy over the years, but part of it is also to accept that this is how I am and it's ok. I vibe with acceptance therapy a lot. So. I hold on to grudges. It's weirdly comfortable. It's a comfort zone to begrudge. Sometimes I just don't want to forgive cause I loose the fire and the motivation to do better or maintain distance with someone toxic. I have boundaries, but what gives me the strength to hold them up proudly and say, no more, never doing that again / letting someone do that to me again, it's the grudge sometimes. Forgiveness is a strange beast. I'll forgive when the anger doesn't serve me anymore. I forgive once I'm done using something as fuel, once it drains more evergy than it provides. I don't forgive for others, I forgive for myself, and that's a process that's not the easiest. tl;dr they're both hard as fuck for me XD woops!

Those were super interesting to jump into, thanks Trouble! :D

[cherryblossom-heart]

Hi! I just read your response to my comment and I wasn't aware that you were even getting shit for the fic you put out until I saw the replies, but I just want to reiterate that your writing is just as valid and incredibly intricate. And you know this already considering you continue to pump out immaculate fics regardless. Your complexities with these characters proves that you know damn well how to tear right into our most inner fears and demons by showcasing the unexplored topics of tragedy, grief, and pain. I know a lot of people use fics to escape the reality we live in, but you seem to encompass both fictional and reality— I mean we're talking about an 106 super soldier here yknow. I love that you can blend both together because sometimes the fluff doesn't always cut it. Your angst forces us to FEEL something and allow us to closely examine our relations with these characters. That splash of reality crashing down on us in this temporary daydream is what makes your fics so fun to read. They give us an out of body experience that is so immersive you forget that it's fictional because it still feels indescribably real! And I really appreciate your contribution to review(s) as well because you took the time to consider my thoughts and feedback. It feels good when the writer tells you that the story is meant to be seen in that light! I'm just saying that despite the hate you're getting, the fic was spectacular. I hope other people come to realize this same revelation because it feels so refreshing seeing the messiness of reader's journey to acceptance.

Omg here come the tears again. Thank you so much ❤️ I really can't tell you how happy it makes me to see this. I do this in my free time, as a hobby, as something that relaxes me and as a way of learning but I still try to put my best in the things I write and the thing about this is that to me both CICYHN Steve and I loved you once Bucky did shitty things and may be similar in some way (I'm talking about the controversial cheating) yet they are so different characters. I could've easily just had this end the same way as CICYHN but with this story it just didn't feel right, you know? It did make me kinda sad those replies I told you about cause they just hit me right in my morals and ig my feminism too lol cause I have never wanted to put out the message of women should always forgive and forget for a man, and I thought that maybe the way I wrote it just gave off that message but with you seeing it just as I wanted it makes me so happy. Seeing your message just gives me more comfort and confidence in what I try to do cause your reviews also guide me in ways to see what I'm doing right but also to learn about myself as a writer because at the end of the day thats what I want to do, make people feel something (mainly angst but who knows maybe someday I'll go to pure fluff lol)

I hope you'll like the next fics that I post and again you're an amazing reviewer and I'll always appreciate your feedback ❤️

[archangelmacaron]

I woke up painfully early again, so I guess my New Year's musings can go here.

It's really strange to think about how, not even a year ago, I wasn't writing or drawing at all. I hadn't seriously sat at a keyboard for years, and hadn't picked up a pencil for even longer than that. I always loved writing, but I just didn't feel like I had much to say. I've always felt confident in my ability to write fanfiction believably, but original stories seemed so far beyond me. I tried to write something once dealing with my grief of losing someone important to me, but even then, the problem was I was too focused on what other people would think of it--and this was before the word 'problematic' was thrown all over the internet. 'Is this character too mean? is this one too much of a 'mary sue'? She's sixteen and he's an ancient fae, is that too much of an age gap!?' (Even back then, it was a human-inhuman relationship, although the characters were all human-looking--something I'm a little bored by now, if I'm honest!) I really didn't get very far in this... and I'm almost positive I unthinkingly deleted all copies. My biggest mistake was I felt I needed to write in order--so of course I'd get stuck! I think it was Calvin Wong who said, drastically paraphrasing, 'painters don't start by always painting the top left corner blue, why is writing different?' I cannot explain what a breakthrough it was to understand that I didn't have to write scene A, then B, then C, etc--I could write scene D or even M or Z, whatever came to me at that moment, and go back and loop them together--or discard them if they no longer fit. There really are no rules.

My other major breakthrough was realizing I didn't want to write about human relationships. I actually can pinpoint when that occurred, after playing a few seasons of Noel TMF, I started to feel hungry for something, some specific story with specific dynamics, but I couldn't say what. After being unable to find something that hit that spot, I realized it was up to me to create it myself. I sat down one day and started to write for myself only. I never intended to share it with anyone, and that was very freeing--especially as literally all of my artistic work for years was made to be shared, it didn't have meaning otherwise. It's not really an art form I would do 'just for me.' Noel wasn't the only inspiration here. A few years ago, The Ancient Magus' Bride came out, and I cannot overstate the impact that had on me. Chise and I went through almost the exact same thing which just blew my mind. I cannot describe how cathartic it was to read the words 'I don't forgive you' about such a situation. Watching her learn and grow and become happy meant so much to me, and while back then, I would never have considered myself capable of writing such a story myself, now I know it's what I want to do. I want to help someone else, the way that helped me understand recovery is possible no matter what you've been through, no matter how cursed you feel. Sometimes, I do still feel cursed, it's like people drag that curse back to me, like I can't escape it--which was why I was struggling so hard this month. I had to understand that the familial relationships I craved my entire life were not the familial relationships I was ever going to have, and let that dream go.

And so, I set out to write my own stories of healing and understanding and mystery and just a touch of horror. And I haven't been able to stop since. I'm not sure if, by excitedly looking forward to writing every day, to write something that 'hit the spot' I was seeking, that I trained myself into needing to write every day--I know that's how it worked for drawing, a habit is much more important than motivation! I think the final reason I write so much is, well, you! The support and enthusiasm from this handful of people who read my stories, starting with fanfic, and then actually caring about my original content, has blown my mind. The burst of joy I get from reading a comment--any comment--is one of the best feelings of my life. Even a 'like' on a post excites and inspires me to keep sharing, and even thinking that I'd like to reach more people for whom my stories 'hit the spot.' This is long, so maybe my art musings can be done another day. Or maybe I can go back to work on writing, after all, I really love it now! Thank you again for all your support. That matters, far more than you might think. I hope I keep creating things that make you smile!

[hebatollah]

Girl Unlocked

Yoko Ono once said, “Some people are old at 18 and some are young at 90. Time is a concept that humans created.” How old are you?

To tell the truth or keep you guessing, that’s the question. But I’ll tell you the truth.

Take (5)

As 2020 was approaching, I started earning the treatment I deserved at work, and got promoted to my dream job. I joined the dream team as soon as Covid hit, and that’s also when my stomachache became pretty distracting.

The clinics were closed for weeks, and the medications they prescribed me over the phone didn’t work. While everyone was anxious about the lockdown and wanted it to end, I took it as my last break before seeing a specialist and finding out I’m going to die. All the food and every meal made my stomach cry. Luckily my 33rd birthday cake didn’t destroy me. It wasn’t my first birthday alone, but the first time I celebrate on my own baking a cake and ordering a gift. I bought a fancy skin care set for my sick body, hoping it will forgive me. Too late I guess? I wasn't scared of my body anymore, but both of us were very sad.

I spent a few days in hospital after the lockdown was lifted. Still nobody was allowed to visit me, but I wasn’t lonely or sad anymore. All I remember was the peace and gratitude, for my dark fantasies didn’t come true.. My stitched body and I, have become one. In that hospital bed I slept like a baby, pampered by the kindest nurses, and Suzanne Toren's motherly voice reading my first audiobook. For the record, it's a great work of fiction about trees.

I moved to Vienna a couple of months later, making another dream come true. Vienna had definitely been waiting for me, along with a heartwarming soul to see. Like most of the list by now, he’s younger than me, but something about him was old and new. His passion and energy were contagious, and like an expert, he oriented me to a door that I didn't know existed. Once opened, a curious and playful me came out. No need for the big girl who gives the big talk anymore. Things can be so spontaneous and effortless. No need to mother around in the cold to feel at home. It's already home wherever we were. I saw his soul, and he made me see mine. I caught the breath of fresh air without thinking too much.. It felt right.

After the lockdowns were over, I lost him to the busy city.

City of Vienna, are you really doing this to me?!

I still have myself unlocked, and I’ll roam you on my own!

I took myself to places and met new people over old hobbies, writing in Vienna’s favorite cafe’s, and taking photos of the trees. I decided to move to an even better job, and the one I wanted the most chose me. I travelled solo, and found that very rewarding. Also for the first time since college, I started meeting men who were actually born before I was, and found that hard to stomach! I wonder if their age was my problem? Or am I the problem?

This time I didn’t question myself. I’m not the problem, and I don't need to be fixed. I kept on reading non fiction though.. I found my muse in psychology. That’s where I started to understand myself and others better. I felt blessed, for I have what it takes to shine. Yes I don't have it all, but I realized how privileged I am. I can't complain.

I continued to read further, and remembered that girl at the door opened almost 3 years before. I opened it again, and found us crying.

[tenebrius-excellium]

Sorry for spilling so much private hurt stuff again on here,

(let's do it once more because irl people are a pain at the moment. I'm sorry. I don't know where else to go right now.)

I just... can't think of any more things I can still improve to make it hurt less right now, and if this is really it, if there is nothing more that I can change about my situation and if the current status quo is just the life I finally need to accept, then... it's still not enough for me personally and I don't know how I can bear it right now, honestly.

I've been frequently told that I'm "too sensitive" and "too perfectionistic" for wanting my life to hurt less somehow and that I need to let things go and start moving on and be an adult and set my own goals instead of keeping at whining about the past and I

I just...

I think I found out about my parents' divorce maybe three or four years ago. It's over two decades old now. But to me, that's...fresh? Like...

You don't just find out about stuff like this and immediately 'move on' because it happened long ago or something. This stuff turns over and over in my mind, as I'm trying to understand what happened so I can have a decent chance at forgiving my parents for the life they made me live. You don't get over something like that in a day. Understanding all the implications alone and sorting it out in a brain that strives to integrate everything into some kind of 'justice system' is impossible. I feel so guilty for still being at it, for still trying to make sense of it all. How do I find peace when some people aren't even trying to do the right thing even after repeatedly being told that their decisions hurt me. They are sacrificing me to protect their peace but I'm literally their daughter and they are supposed to be my parents...?

And if you've known me here for a while, you know that this is only one aspect of a variety of shit that went down in my life and there's just been blow after blow after blow hitting me about finding out certain stuff and I think I have a pretty reasonable picture about what exactly went down now... but what's most insulting about it irl is that people still absolutely just treat it like a "rebellious phase" and "she will come around" and others seem to legitimately have given up on me because I'm being too 'difficult' for them and it makes me feel so unloved when it's actually THEM who fucked up in the first place and no. My life has been uprooted, some parts I absolutely did myself, pulling out weeds and thorns like a world champion, do you seriously think I'm interested in going back to the way it was before??? The audacity of them just watching me instead of helping me, hoping that I'll "calm down" once I've overexerted myself wtf.

I can't handle it oh heck I don't know. I just know that I can't go back and love them fully and be accepting of their same old lifestyle while receiving so, so little love in return. So what if I do ditch them for good, then I may have no one for a really long time. I am scared of that, you know.

Great stuff.