#once again feeling like if someone else had my situation/resources they'd do my life better than i could

[borderlinebastard]

my friend told me he and our other friend admire my freedom/independance. buddy that's called "being kicked out of the family at 16 and having never had a relationship and being alone 90% of the time". reading a book in a random cafe in another town by myself is hardly the adventure he imagines it to be.

[lavendertowerarchives]

Energency. Abort. Warning. Lavender has gotten confident for the first time in ages. Not only does this happen rarely, I need it to happen even less.

Person said "damn. Life sucks." I say "naw youre lookin at it wrong!" They say "thanks dude, you made my day better." Of course, I sent in a fucken essay of advice I try to follow, I wasnt just pointlessly optimistic. That shit came later.

Of course, I fold mentally. I got praise. That's a resource worth holding on to. I think, "hey, I did it once, I'll do it again." No I fucking can't.

I hit them up. I try to give more advice. In my haste to get approval, I both jump to conclusions and assume information that is 100% incorrect. I fucked up, man. I spent like an hour writing the first bit of "help," just tryna make someone's day better, completely anonymous. I spent five fucking minutes on the second shot. Of course I was genuinely trying to help. Unfortunately, I rushed it because I was also doing it for my sake. I'm pissed that I gain a "savior" mentality when I get confident. That's like the worst set of self-deceptions I can ask for.

Not only did my "words of encouragement" not land, they directly worsened the situation. Now I have nothing else to say except "sorry for overstepping my bounds." Not only do I have no real help to give for the specific situation, but the reason they're not doin so hot is *the exact same reason I'm $uic1d@l.* I do not have a fix, by definition. I can't even fucking try because the moment I keep thinking about it I just slingshot back to "oh, Lavender, your life is shit. You should abandon it." I refuse to subject someone else to that. (Ignore the fact that this is public. No one is being sent my weird posts.)

Speaking of which, I understand I can't exactly whine about this shit without risking this person reading it. Homeslice, this is for me to complain. Not for you to read, but if I had the balls, I'd find a way to distill this shit for you to explain me being a dumbass.

The issue in question is that of trying to connect to people (yes. Ironic. Move along). I feel alone. I cannot express this easily because I paradoxically have a partner who I love. I am hesitant to explain this because the crux of the issue is that the only reason they still love me is because they are 100% dependent on me. I will not let them die. I stilllll have to check their arms for new scars every time I see them, not because I explicitly don't trust them, but because I refuse to risk anything else. Hell, I gotta keep the fact that I want to Leave this earth from them every fucking day.

Thankfully, I did not come out of this thinking "see? Never reach out." Instead, my conclusion is "let them come to you, if they wanted to, they'd ask for help." As well as "confidence is never to be trusted." Now excuse me while I try to find a bandaid big enough to slap on the MASSIVE OPEN WOUND I made TEN MINUTES into a conversation. It doesn't help that I gotta go on hiatus anyways to properly prevent anyone else from finding this damned account.

Fkn hell, man.