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multiverseforger · 4 years ago

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Chris Powell was the teenage son of Mike Powell, a cop, and Grace Powell, a District Attorney. Following his younger twin brothers, Jon and Jason, to the abandoned amusement park across from his home, Chris discovered his father taking a bribe from mob boss Phillipe Bazin.[5][6]

While trying to escape with his brothers from Bazin's henchmen, Chris discovered an amulet that transposed him into the Darkhawk armor. When his father disappeared after Chris saw him, he swore to use the Darkhawk armor as an "edge against crime". Darkhawk's powers included a force blast which emanated from the amulet on his chest, a force shield from the same amulet, a claw cable which could serve as both a Wolverine-like claw, and a grapple cable, glider wings and later flight capability, enhanced vision and strength, and an image underneath the Darkhawk helmet which served to frighten and distract his enemies.[citation needed]

He often teamed up with Spider-Man. As a sometime member of the New Warriors, he befriended Speedball, Nova, and later, Turbo.[citation needed] During his tenure as a crime fighter, he was often trying to rescue his father, mother, or other family members.[citation needed]

He developed quite a roster of enemies: he would fight villains such as Hobgoblin and Tombstone, who were seeking to take his amulet, with the latter succeeding. He was extremely weakened and even dying from having the amulet removed, but still able to use all of his powers except for turning back into human form to heal. Once he retrieved the amulet he was able to put it back in his chest and fully heal. Darkhawk had 2 separate encounters with Venom, who felt that Chris was good natured and held back whereas Darkhawk was greatly opposed to Venom's ideals and way of handling crime, and swore to bring him to justice, despite Venom offering to be his ally. Lodestone: a magnetically-powered villain developed by Bazin, was often pitted against Darkhawk. He also fought against some who would later ally with him, such as Portal, a teleporting mutant who killed another Darkhawk and stole parts of his armor, Savage Steel, which had been created by the secret police cabal that Chris' dad had been a member of, and Damek, a mercenary sent from the future to kill Darkhawk.[citation needed]

Chris learned that his armor was actually an autonomously existing android armor, one of five commissioned by an alien mob lord named Dargin Bokk, being held in a sentient spaceship, Ocsh, in Null Space. When Chris grasped the amulet, it actually caused his body to switch places with that of the Darkhawk body, although his mind remained in control of the 'replacement' body.[citation needed]

After helping them several times, Darkhawk was brought aboard the Avengers West Coast as a reserve member, but saw little action with them after becoming a member, because they were dissolved shortly thereafter. Nonetheless, he did at least start a lasting friendship with Spider-Woman.[citation needed]

Darkhawk 2.0

Later, Chris and Darkhawk actually split into two separate entities, with the armor being updated into the "2.0" form, as it was informally known. This advanced form of armor gave Darkhawk new powers, such as the ability to form a force shield encasing his body, an actual "Hawk" construct (a gigantic force-field shaped like a hawk), and the ability to summon weapons from Osch. Darkhawk 2.0 and Chris re-merged, with the prospect of no longer needing to use the amulet in order to switch bodies.[citation needed]

Loners

Chris joined a self-help group of ex-teenage-super-heroes, the Loners, who admitted to being addicted to their powers. Members included: Turbo, Green Goblin IV (Phil Urich), Ricochet, Lightspeed and later Spider-Woman III (Mattie Franklin). The group was hired by a mysterious benefactor, later revealed to be Rick Jones, to track down the Runaways in Los Angeles.

Powell displayed trouble controlling his anger in his Darkhawk persona, leading to a short skirmish with Turbo. Dismayed with himself, Powell admitted to his teammates that he suffered a nervous breakdown.[7] Powell decided to never turn into Darkhawk again, but this decision did not last long, as shortly thereafter the group battled the notorious Avengers villain, Ultron. Darkhawk delivered the final blow, using a darkforce blast at point blank range to blow Ultron to pieces.[8]

The Loners continued their meetings and Chris was drawn back into heroics by Spider-Woman and made an enemy of MGH manufacturers who had abused Mattie Franklin and the woman running them as well as Nekra, a woman who was getting rich by selling her bodily fluids to them. Chris then got his Darkhawk amulet stolen from him temporarily by an unbalanced Phil Urich but was able to regain it with help from the group.[9]

Secret Invasion

Having registered with the government, Darkhawk was assigned to the position of security chief at Project P.E.G.A.S.U.S.. During the Skrull invasion, he worked alongside his old teammate Nova against the Deviant Skrulls.[10]

Fraternity of Raptors

The being known as Talon came to Earth, and offered to teach Chris how to control his amulet. They went to the Negative Zone to fight Annihilus. There, Chris bonded fully with his amulet. This allowed him to learn that the Fraternity of Raptors that Talon represented was evil and that the Fraternity had created the amulets. Evilhawk had been a hallucination caused by his mind, which had been unable to process all the information the Amulet gave him. The Raptor, known as Razor, took over Chris' body and assassinated Lilandra.[citation needed]

Later he fought Gyre another member of the Fraternity of Raptors that had been recruited as a pawn of the Sphinx. Darkhawk, Nova, Black Bolt, Mr. Fantastic and Namorita defeated the Sphinx and his pawns. Darkhawk was able to separate Gyre from his Kree host by using the same technique Talon used to separate Chris from Darkhawk and bring back Razor.[citation needed]

Avengers Arena

Arcade kidnapped Chris and fifteen teenage heroes and brought them to Murderworld, a secluded island where no one could find them, and forced them to fight each other to the death, and only the last man standing within thirty days would be allowed to leave.[11] One night, he was attacked and had his amulet removed, leaving his fate unknown.[12] His amulet would get passed around by others locked in Murderworld.[13]

Chris was later shown in a coma-like state in a strange tank along with the deceased heroes, where Arcade appeared to be healing him. Waking up, he located Arcade and knocked him out. He later reclaimed his amulet and was among the survivors of the battle.[14]

Marvel Legacy

Powell eventually resurfaced back in New York, set to marry a new fiancée by the name of Miranda Cruz. With whom he'd shared all of his exploits while piloting the sentient automaton known Darkhawk. Nowadays his Amulet has become inert, not so much as even changing when he focuses his thoughts on becoming his alter ego again; but lately has been suffering from nightmares of the Tree of Shadows every time he slept. Following in his father's footsteps, he eventually became an officer of the law at the NYPD. Taking to the same beat Micheal Powell used to back when he was one of the police, he reminisced about how his father would listen to people and remember their names while trying to keep the peace on the streets.

Trying to be the every bit as big a man and a better cop than he was by holding the values he once thought Mike stood for before, Chris found out his father was a corrupt cop. All the while ruminating on whether the world needed him as Christopher Powell, police officer or as the cybernetic hero he once was. While on patrol, dispatch sent out notice of a disturbance at Wonderland Amusement Park, where he first found the Raptor Amulet.

While investigating the derelict establishment, Powell was approached by two shady cops right near the area where he first became Darkhawk. Officer Hal Fingeroth and Sergeant Harold Conrad came to Powell offering certain opportunities while on the force which Chris quickly denied, when the latter opted to be a bit more forceful in his persuasion; Conrad was quickly eviscerated by members of the Fraternity of Raptors who were after the young officer's depowered amulet. Canorus and Aceptar created the odd circumstances which led to Christopher retracing his origin as a superhero in order to kill him and take what they believed was theirs by right, but the former raptor didn't go without a fight; discovering that these new raptors were in actuality just armored Shi'ar thugs given how easily Aceptar was stunned by a shock baton.

Though Christopher was eventually subdued by Canorus and his gem taken from him. Canorus was able to activate it again with a damaged Razor taking his place, whom nearly beat Powell's other would be assassin to death until Chris got his attention. The badly broken android grabbed hold of Powell and ported him to a portion of the Datasong he called the "Perch," where memories of previous host pilots were stored within a Raptor's own motherboard.

Razor, now calling itself Darkhawk after the recombinant persona imprinted on itself due to their shared escapades as a hero. Chris learned from his other half that a whole new Fraternity has sprung up in the wake of Novas' decimation, eager to bring the universe to heel under their thrall and had been searching for a means of acquiring the Raptor androids from the Null Space void to cement their dominance. Horrified by this development the now empathetic Razor sought to defy this mandate by said cabal of zealot pretenders by escaping his pod and severing his link to the Tree of Shadows, which was the reason why Powell couldn't become Darkhawk anymore. Severing his brethren's connection to their amulets earned Raptor their ire, however. They nearly hunted it down and executed until he was summoned to Earth by Canorus. Seeing the opportunity to heal itself, and hoping to enlist aid in stopping the renegade Raptor sect, Darkhawk sought union with Chris Powell once again in order to recover and grow in power.

Seeing as the whole of the universe was at stake, including his own homeworld in the long run. Chris knew in spite of his misgivings about space travel and the new life he has on Earth, that since his android had grown a conscience since the War of Kings. That he could not just sit by and pretend what effects the galaxy has no consequences for everybody involved, himself included. Donning the name Darkhawk once more, he took to the skies after blasting the other raptor back to his enclave in space before taking off, wondering how Miranda will react to the change of pace.[15]

Infinity Countdown

After learning from Richard Rider that the Fraternity of Raptors were after the Infinity Stones, Chris wanted to find a way to stop them, but he was stuck on Earth. He was later attacked by the bounty hunter Death's Head who was hired by the Raptors to capture Chris and bring him back to them alive. After learning that Death's Head had a spaceship, Chris was able to convince Death's Head to take him to the Raptors. After saying goodbye to Miranda, Chris and Death's Head traveled to where Death's Head was to meet the Raptors, the planet Arcturus IV; however, the Raptors betrayed Death's Head and destroyed his ship. Chris survived the ship's destruction and confronted the Raptors, but he was quickly overwhelmed by their numbers.

Chris' Darkhawk Amulet was removed from his body by the Raptors' leader Gyre and used in a ceremony to transform Richard Rider's brother Robbie Rider into the being called Dark Darkhawk by fusing him with Ratha'kon, a being supposedly more powerful than the Phoenix Force. The Raptors then left a dying Chris where he was set off to destroy Earth. As Chris dragged himself across the ground, he encountered his other half Razor who revealed to him the origins of the Tree of Shadows and of the first Raptor. After some coaxing from Razor, Chris tapped into his hidden strength and emerged with a new Darkhawk body after fully fusing his mind with the armor. Chris then flew after the Raptors to stop them.[16]

Chris battled the Raptors with help from Death's Head and Nova Prime. Nova made it difficult to fight Dark Darkhawk as he preferred to reason with his brother Robbie than fight him. Dark Darkhawk then shockingly turned on Gyre and destroyed him while stating that he would bring order to the universe, not Gyre. The Raptors were eventually stopped when Death's Head rigged the power core of the Kree ship the Raptors stole to explode. Only Dark Starhawk survived the explosion, though stunned, allowing Chris to reclaim his Darkhawk Amulet. Dark Starhawk then disappeared in a flash of light after striking his Nega-Bands together. Grieving over the loss of Robbie, Nova angrily told Chris to stay on Earth or he would have him locked up. After Chris returned to Earth, he decided stay out of space for a while. Later that night, he was met by Sleepwalker while he dreamed, telling him that the influence of the Infinity Stones threatened the Mindscape and that the only way he could protect it was to become a Sleepwalker.[17]

Young Again

Darkhawk attended Thanos' funeral along with prominent cosmic figures where it was revealed that Thanos had transferred his mind into a new body. However, the Black Order came and stole Thanos' corpse, while opening a rip in space in order to trap them.[18] While trapped there, Darkhawk's atoms began to break apart, affecting his link to the suit. After being captured by the Universal Church of Truth from a possible future, Chris found out that his body was merged with the armor and that he had become younger than when he first found the amulet.[19] Under the control of the Church, Darkhawk and the other prisoners attacked the Guardians of the Galaxy, but Rocket Raccoon was able to free them from the Church's control and sent the church back to their timeline.[20]

After the Void was leading the forces of the Cancerverse into invading the Negative Zone, Darkhawk was among the heroes summoned by Mister Fantastic using his Dimensional Anchor in order to defeat the Scourge. Once the Silver Surfer managed to merge Bob Reynolds with Void back, Nova sacrificed himself in order to defeat the Scourge, ending the threat.[21]

Powers and Abilities

Power Grid [24]Intelligence 2Strength4 Speed*5 3Durability4 Energy Projection*6 3Fighting Skills 2* Armor Transformations

Abilities

Skilled Combatant: Chris is skilled in Kendo and an unidentified branch of Karate.[citation needed]

Strength level

25+ Tons.[15]

Paraphernalia

Equipment

Darkhawk Amulet:

Consciousness Transfer: Chris can transfer his consciousness into the Darkhawk's alien android while at the same time, switch the robotic body's place with that of his own body wherever he is at any time.[citation needed]

Darkhawk Android: The Darkhawk Armor is advanced Shi'ar technology meshed with magic, allowing the host numerous superhuman capabilities:

Superhuman Strength: The Armor allows Chris to lift in the excess of 25+ tons. Able to knock out Venom.[citation needed]

Superhuman Speed

Superhuman Durability: Darkhawk is superhumanly durable; he is capable of shrugging off physical impacts, energy blasts, and most artillery fire.

Superhuman Agility

Superhuman Reflexes

Armament Conjuration: The Android can summon weapons from the extra-dimensional expanse from whence they came, or manifest desired munitions from its own body at will.[citation needed]

Flight: The retractable glider wings under his arms allow him to glide on air currents. Darkhawk can also fly at speeds that let him fly from New York to California in only a matter of hours. After the Darkhawk armor attained a new form, Chris is able to fly interstellar distances.[22]

Self Repair: Even major injuries to his Darkhawk body can be repaired by switching back to his human form.[citation needed]

Superhuman Vision: Darkhawk has telescopic and infra-red vision. He can see through most camouflage.[citation needed]

Force Field: Chris can utilize a circular wafer-thin force field.[citation needed]

Concussion Blasts: He can fire blasts of destructive dark energy from the amulet on his chest.[citation needed]

Mode Shifting: Talons can morph their bodies into a host of augmentative forms. Becoming transparent, doubling body armor, projecting greater weaponry, etc.[citation needed]

Formerly *Avengers Identicard

Transportation

Formerly Avengers Quinjet

Trivia

Darkhawk's armor and appearance has been a continued source of debate amongst Marvel "True-Believers." After his series was canceled, his new appearances often reverted back to the original Darkhawk armor. As of his Loners appearances, he is in "DH 1.0" form, although he had appeared a few times as DH 2.0 prior to this.[citation needed]

It has been a misunderstanding amongst many readers and fans of Darkhawk that he was aware of his status as a hero within the Marvel 2099 universe, in which he is known as "The Powell," one of the "most powerful, and feared, heroes in the universe." This wasn't Earth-928 (or Marvel 2099), it was a similar cyberpunk dystopia world within Chronopolis. This was resolved by DeFalco himself within the letter columns in one of the final issues of the ongoing series.[citation needed]

Links and References

185 Appearances of Christopher Powell (Earth-616)

15 Minor Appearances of Christopher Powell (Earth-616)

Media Christopher Powell (Earth-616) was Mentioned in

123 Images featuring Christopher Powell (Earth-616)

13 Quotations by or about Christopher Powell (Earth-616)

Character Gallery: Christopher Powell (Earth-616)

Christopher Powell (Earth-616) on Wikipedia.org

Darkhawk Zone: The Ultimate Darkhawk Fansite

Darkhawk @ New Warriors Continuity Conundrum

New Warriors Message Board

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ao3feed--reylo · 5 years ago

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For Those Who Dare To Hope

read it on the AO3 at https://ift.tt/39Ktlq5

by darkrisinglight

CC @Reylo_Prompts: "Rey and Ben are best friends all throughout elementary school. They even share their first kiss together on a dare. But then Ben moves away and they lose touch. Years later, they're reunited in college and discover just how much things both change and stay the same."

When Rey goes to a fraternity party with her friends, she's expecting a few things. She's expecting cheap beer and even cheaper liquor. She's expecting loud music, rich white boys, and dancing on tables. She's expecting to finally let off some steam.

What she isn't expecting is to see him again.

Words: 1603, Chapters: 1/1, Language: English

Fandoms: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy

Rating: Explicit

Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings

Categories: F/M

Characters: Rey (Star Wars), Ben Solo, Ben Solo | Kylo Ren, Leia Organa, Han Solo, Maz Kanata, Amilyn Holdo, Luke Skywalker, Rose Tico, Poe Dameron, Finn (Star Wars), Jannah (Star Wars), Kaydel Ko Connix, Jessika Pava, Phasma (Star Wars), Armitage Hux, Snoke (Star Wars), Bazine Netal, Lando Calrissian, Dopheld Mitaka, Temmin "Snap" Wexley, Ahsoka Tano

Relationships: Rey/Ben Solo | Kylo Ren, Kylo Ren/Rey, Rey & Ben Solo | Kylo Ren, Rey/Ben Solo, Poe Dameron/Finn, Kaydel Ko Connix/Jannah

Additional Tags: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - College/University, ben and rey meet as kids, they reunite at college, Ben Solo is a Mess, Badass Rey, Eventual Smut, not first time for either because i don't think i can write virgin sex, Past Abuse, Abandonment, Fraternities & Sororities, i was in greek life so it'll be realistic i promise, Angst with a Happy Ending, always a HEA, here's looking at you jjerio, tags will be updated once i figure out what i'm doing

read it on the AO3 at https://ift.tt/39Ktlq5

#IFTTT #ao3feed #fanfic #Star Wars #Reylo #Kylo Ren #Rey

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dracosollicitus · 6 years ago

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Lowkey I have been D Y I N G for more of the Harry Potter AU, and I don’t have a theory for it necessarily but I am really excited to see what Rey ends up doing once she leaves Hogwarts (especially bc some bad things are clearly brewing in the greater wizarding world). I’m thirsting for a lil preview but I’m mainly sending you this ask just so I can tell you how much I love it. Happy Sunday, Draco!

AHHH this is so sweet!

I can tell you that Rey ends up working with Obi Wan as a florist who secretly uses magic to make the flowers even better!!!!!

I got a few requests for the Hogwarts Sequel/Rey Kenobi and the Heir Apparent, and uh, here’s a sneak peek from Chapter Two:

She rested her hand on the door frame for a second before shrugging. “Finish whatever you feel obligated to finish. And then get the fuck out of my house.” Rey turned and walked away, arms wrapped around herself, feeling that same cavernous pit that had formed eight months ago when she’d woken up to an empty bed.

“Look,” Poe had followed her, of course. He wasn’t any different, then. “You can be pissed at me, you can hate me – fuck, I hate me too right now – but Rey, baby, please, please don’t let Bazine Netal back in here ever again.”

“You don’t get to tell me how to live my life,” Rey snapped. “And don’t call me that.”

“Listen to me!” Poe roared, and Rey froze. Three years of dating, and he had never once raised his voice at her. She turned to stare at him, and in the eerie glow of her front hall lamp, she saw the lines that hadn’t been there a year ago, saw the haggard expression he wore now that his handsome mask had slipped, saw how unruly his beard was –

“What happened to you?” Rey asked, voice shaking. “Poe – what happened?”

“I can’t—” He cut himself off and shook, gripping his hair. “Can’t – tell – you—” He choked, and Rey rushed forward, resting her hands on his temples, pressing her forehead to his.

“Breathe,” she urged, “C’mon, Dameron, breathe.” He took a stuttering breath, and she spent the next two minutes coaching him through it. Eventually his complexion returned to its regular light brown, even if it were more sallow than normal (and how hadn’t she noticed? Had she been so privately relieved to see him alive, combined with her fury for his abandonment, that she’d overlooked how much he was suffering?).

“Thanks,” Poe gasped, his hands wrapping around her wrists. She didn’t demand he let her go. It felt too nice to deny herself his touch, even now. It was then that she felt the scar tissue under her fingertips.

“Did you – Poe, did you make an Unbreakable Vow?” Rey asked, realization staggering through her. Poe nodded once, shortly. “Oh, you stupid man,” she breathed, pressing her lips into his clammy forehead. “Let’s get some tea.” He slipped off his boots when she gave them a foul look – they were decrepit, the dragonhide stained and covered in what she prayed was mud – and smiled tiredly at her.

She bustled into the kitchen, and Poe followed her, his robes swirling behind him and kicking up the dust in the corners of her hallway. He shrugged them off when he reached the chair she’d pulled out for him on her way to the stove, and he sank down heavily. Soon, the water was boiling, and Rey turned around, her arms still wrapped around her body, and leaned against the counter. The only noise in the kitchen was the water steaming and the faint shriek of the kettle, growing louder.

“I didn’t write that note,” Poe said quietly, and Rey looked up from where she’d been staring at her feet, surprise colouring her features. “I know it was my handwriting, but – wherever – I was,” he coughed, the Vow clearly affecting him, “I left for there not soon after I said goodbye.”

“That’s a nice way to phrase it,” Rey said, faux-lightness brightening her tone. Her fingernails dug into her ribcage.

“Don’t do that,” Poe begged. Rey gave him a look that said do what? and he rubbed a hand over his exhausted face. “Don’t – you always stand like that when you’re afraid, or when you’re feeling defensive. And I know I fucked up, but please, Rey, don’t stand like that in your own home. I shouldn’t – I can go, you shouldn’t feel like that here.”

Rey shook her head and shook her arms out. “No. I didn’t even realize I was doing it.” The kettle screamed then, and she turned to busy herself with the tea. When she sat the mug down in front of Poe, she hesitated for a second.

“Still two lumps of sugar?” She asked, feeling oddly shy. Poe nodded, and she dumped the spoon in and slid the mug even closer to him before settling down in the chair across the table. “Haven’t kicked the habit, then?”

“What can I say,” Poe said, leaning over his mug and staring down into it as though it would offer him solutions to all his problems. He dragged his finger around the rim, catching the grains that had gathered there, and popped the digit and the sugar in his mouth, sucking it clean. “Still have a soft spot for sweet things.”

Rey flushed and stared at her hands.

“Sorry,” Poe muttered. “Sorry – I shouldn’t –”

“It’s fine.” Rey’s voice was more curt than it probably needed to be, but Poe just seemed to accept it. The next few minutes were silent, both of them sipping their tea. Rey resolutely did not look at Poe – and he never took his eyes off of her. The one time she did slip and look at him, the open hunger and misery on his face threatened what little sanity she had left.

He spoke first. He always had.

#harry potter au #hogwarts au #damerey #jedipilot #sneak peek #wip #ask #anon #sweet people

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willpowerbutch · 8 years ago

Text

Gay Oil: Chapter 1

A fan fiction by Tom Rob Smith

It was another frigid morning in Soviet America. Outside Eli’s front door, grey evergreens stood stark against the white pall of clouds, and the winter sun rose behind them like the communists had risen to power when he was only a boy: red, large, and full of nuclear threat. Being one of the denizens of New Trotskyville, it was Eli’s life-long habit to take this route to work at the silver mines – past the jutting cliffs, on threadbare government-issue slippers, clutching his coat to his chest while quietly whistling along to the morning broadcast. In the distance, there was the rustling of canvas as the breeze sent ripples through a mining encampment; and, there was the sun, mounted high now above the oil wells, the only part of the picture that wasn’t drab and lifeless. It sparkled in the sky in a way that reminded Eli of his phenomenal gayness.

It bears discussing for a moment just how gay, for Eli was not merely homosexed, but fruitilicious in a fragrant and radically soft way. Often, in his teenage years, he lounged on a garbage heap outside his house, smooth chest shining in the afternoon light as an electric fan blew photographs of Christopher Reeve between his thighs. Like this he languished for hours but to rise at the sight of an approaching straight man, whereupon he would hoola hoop nakedly into the center of the yard. “Why don’t you come have a sip of my water, baby boy?” he would call to them, only to be greeted by righteous beard frowns. Of course, homosexuality was subsequently outlawed, and Eli had to learn how to walk with his legs spread apart. He couldn’t count on his free hand how many times he had narrowly evaded the police at abandoned country restaurants; other times, he spotted them at the market among the cucumber-melon-scented bath soaps, just waiting to snap a pair of handcuffs over the carefully exfoliated wrists of a gay. Thus, he had been impelled to smell like peppermint social alcoholism for years.

He approached the silver mines, dropping his bag in the dust as he noticed the silhouette of a muscle daddy struggling on the ground. That’s my job, he thought, taking offense at the sight of a real man sprawled in the mud like a health spa happy ending. Pam Grier didn’t die for this amateur bottoming bullshit. He approached the homo-queer daintily, his oral sex nose sniffing fast, and admonished him. “Brother, you’re ruining your facial. This is not Arkansas.”

“I’m going to murder you,” said the daddy raising his head, his left eye twitching. “I’m going to drain you dry like a vanilla milkshake. Now bend over and adjust me.”

It being in Eli’s nature to follow grunted instructions, he spread his legs far apart and lowered his generous package to the ground. “Daddy,” he murmured, butterfly-kissing the man’s belt loop, “I’m this town’s least arrested psychic, and I think it would reassure the community if you visited my jiu-jitsu sex clinic. I do readings for the modest price of a second-hand butterscotch latte. Will you come?”

“Readings?” The daddy appraised him with extraordinary spectacularness. “I can make you give me one for the cost of Ben Whishaw’s box office value: I pay you nothing, and you gratify me in the privacy of an empty movie theater. Hmm? What do you think of that?”

But before Eli could stop licking his fingers long enough to reply, an eerily British Sylvester background dancer trundled toward them, weighted down by his ‘70s streetwalker mustache and lack of current television exposure. “Daniel!” exclaimed the girl, “I am your brother, Danny! I accept cash!” He fell weeping to the man’s feet, smearing mud along his naked inner thighs while all the studio executives in the world showered him with discontinued LSD gumdrops from a canon the shape of Ben Hur’s nipples. Then, his slim frame quivering with exertion from pretending to be a top, he vanished into the newly-risen, Rami Malek-esque sun.

“What are you running from, my boy? You, too, could get paid for shitting on Andre Bazin,” Daddy Daniel laughed after him with undeniable method acting. He then turned his attention back to Eli, who was busy braiding his leg hair. “Speaking of Will Smith, have you seen my sympathy son, Alex? He was here a moment ago, but he must have left to turn into a dick cowboy.”

“I have not, Daddy. We should check for him in a BBC nepotist’s syphilis dreams,” concluded Eli, lighting his crack pipe on a parking ticket.

Thus, the pair set out, Eli retaining his coral purse and Daniel genuinely bleeding out of his ears as the scent of Marxist documentarianism drifted to them on a wind of discrete builder farts. Eli’s excitement throbbed at the smell of flatulence, and as they sashayed across the rugged, biceptual terrain, he began to dream of one day gay-marrying a former child. Pulling his mink tighter, he led Daniel into the midnight grocery store where he had hosted his first erotic bathtub monologue, stopping in the entryway to reapply his favorite lipstick, Autocannibalism Red. As he sifted through the contents of his bag, Eli felt the daddy’s screwed, twitchy eyes turn on him once more, undressing every last stitch of his fishnet tights from him, and he froze. “Was there something else you wanted to ask me, Daniel?”

“You know what I want, Eli,” said the older man, flush and barely able to control his rage erection.

Being a dignified girl, Eli smirked. “I’ve already told you my price, Daddy Daniel.”

“Not that, you residual muck of one of my delicious milkshakes. Your bath oils, Eli,” he growled, indicating into Eli’s purse. “I want to buy them. Name your price for those.” Daniel withdrew his checkbook, but Eli merely wagged his finger.

“I’ll give them to you for free when Eddie Redmayne stops winning Oscars for whispering,” he replied. “You can keep your glorified chocolate milk. My fluids are my sheep, and I am their shepherd.”

At this, like a volcano of passionate incredibleness, Daniel Plainview burst into a groundbreakingly American display of angry sniveling which put to shame every dramatic performance ever. “ELI!” he screamed, and the bristles on his face stood up as high as the ones in his trousers, “If you do not, in accordance with your victimhood fetish, act like a murdered soap opera heiress and sell me your bath oils for this very reasonable 100 rubles, in the name of my sexually innocent math bitch, Alex, THERE WILL BE BLOOD!” Daniel reached out to strike Eli with his art conniption when, inexplicably, his hand was stayed. “Whitney,” he breathed.

The public radio had changed songs, and it was now Whitney Houston that played in Orwellian warehouses throughout New Trotskyville. Eli’s ears became a cesspool of optimism and ‘90s drumkits. He stared on in fabulous judgment as Daddy Daniel took her photo out of his breast pocket and licked it. “Her eyeshadow looks like Sean Penn’s divorce,” he told the daddy in disdain.

“Which ‘era’ of Whitney do you like, Eli?” asked Daniel, cracking his knuckles.

Eli was aghast. “The one where she hasn’t been relevant since Beyoncé happened, Brother. You really listen to this abstinence charity music?” The older man’s eyes bore into him, filling him with frightful, kaleidoscopic visions of leotards. Eli shifted uncomfortably. A cold silence stretched between them. “I suppose… I can see why you like her voice, Daddy Daniel,” he acknowledged at length, bowing his head, “since you, too, sound as if dental surgery turned you into a radio pervert.”

The man’s entire body shook with incredible extremeness. “Beyoncé is nothing but a post-apocalyptic Kate Bush. A lottery hoax,” growled Daniel. “The Dark Ages are over, Eli, and the power bottoms lost. I own the factory where you pedal your sex calendars now. And if you don’t sell me your bath oils right here, in this renounced nacho bar, I will break all your pussy power bracelets and feed them to my sad Abercrombie virgin, Alex.”

Eli was stunned silent. The house lights began to flicker out, slithering across his face like an ill-fitting condom. Finding no apology from Daniel, he made the sign of the Z and vanished into the club’s back room, where he screamed and flailed around like the girl from The Exorcist if she was sick on chocolate wine. When at last Eli regained his composure, he changed into his racist Dalai Lama costume, preparing for another afternoon of preaching to children about the importance of politically-gay movie extras.

TO BE CONTINUED

***

About the Author

Tom Rob Smith, screenwriter for the acclaimed television documentary London Gay and author of such novels as Vintage Suicide Communists and Momentary HIV, is a rampant fabulant whose gay suffering hard-on has inflamed the manfully heterosexual attention of the editorial staff of Manly Men! Magazine. This fan fiction is the first part of an ongoing media promotion of Paragon Shag’s new political action dinner group, Feel Dirty When You’re Seduced By Rentable Firemen Into Performing Celery Porn Again (FDWYSBRFIPCPA), the aim of which is to discredit the evil teachings of gay transgenders such as Paul Dano, Ben Whishaw, and Rick Perry.

#attempted satire #obviously #willpower butch #tom rob smith #there will be blood #fan fiction #daniel x eli #eventual danny x alex #london spy #parody #paul dano #ben whishaw #daniel day-lewis #edward holcroft #gay oil #manly men magazine #paragon shag

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