#on most nights. tonight's an exception bc i wrote this post hdgklhdf

[ichorblossoms]

having thoughts about grimm's relationship with their body and humanity and how it probably transitions more post-story bc it's not until somewhere in p3 that it feels actually, fully comfortable in its own skin for all its inhumanity, and i think that's enough for it to unlock new gender thoughts

this got long so i'm putting it under the cut. i'm just rambling abt character shit over the timeline of the story and whatnot yeehaw

overall, grimm's not someone who hates their body and all the ways it's not human, especially not to the point of harming themself about it or being overly reckless (their sense of survival and self-preservation are Very strong), and at no point in the story do they really hate their body or anything, but they struggle to see it as a human body. before i get too into how the story affects things; they exist in a body that was modified at a decently young age, they've grown up in this body and know how it moves and reacts, but as they distance themself from their past, they realize that a lot of what felt like decisions they chose to make, including modification, were actually the result of manipulation and abuse, so their body carries a lot of...reminders that fade in time but never truly disappear. and they got out of that! they survived and won't go back! but because of all of this shit (< grimm backstory post) it left them not only with an emotional gap between them and most people, but a physical one too, and that's even harder to form relationships with people without hiding because opinions on humods among the non-modified majority usually falls somewhere between "patronizing pity" and "violent disgust" (then you occasionally get the outliers like yarrow who are fascinated by it, or the folks who choose modification out of excitement and not desperation, but again, outliers).

which, grimm doesn't consciously carry any of the "ohh they're going to think i'm a disgusting abomination of a creature" sort of angst that i often loathe in fiction, but instead has this perpetual sense of "i'm comfortable in my own skin, but i need to hide what i am for my own safety because i am not human" which isn't entirely untrue, but it keeps them from sitting down and thinking about like. what they want. or analyzing their personhood and how that's affected my being humod. in a way i think gender stuff comes easier bc grimm is so comfortable letting other people just assume whatever of them bc they're more concerned with "passing" as human and therefore whatever other ppl percieve grimm as gender-wise has no bearing on their own sense of gender (if that makes sense)

of course the actual thing is they have a metric fuckton of internalized shame around being humod they don't/can't look in the eye, but there's no way in hell grimm would have the self awareness or emotional intelligence for that. at least not at this point

and one of the many things that grimm runs away from at the end of p1 is yarrow's curiosity about their inhuman body, because why the fuck would it confront the reason why someone showing interest in them for what they are causes them immense discomfort? that's enough vulnerability for the next five years, thank you very much.

for all they run away from everything there, a lot of emotions still linger and that empowers grimm to at least sit down and think about what it would like its body to be like and change it accordingly, which is great! transitioning and exhibiting control over their own body is what grimm needs! it doesn't solve everything bc they're still paranoid as all hell about having their modifications seen by anyone, but damn, having tits sure ain't bad.

then everything with grimm coming back in p2 happens and here yarrow is, enthusiastically loving it and its body for all it is (after the whole. yknow "hey that the fuck is going on between us what is your goal here asshole"), so a pocket of the world where it doesn't have to worry about constantly wearing like five facades opens up and it's comfortable for the time being and some of that stuff can start to be slowly unpacked, which is well and good, but grimm still is distinctly aware of how it feels different from yarrow because it's humod and they're human and that's not really as big a deal as grimm is thinking but. yknow. the hypervigilance

and then of p3 happens and yarrow becomes humod and of course the shame in letting that happen is there and it's overwhelming and it's crushing and grimm thinks they can never do enough to apologize for dooming yarrow to the same existence it has but worse bc he can't hide like they can but then yarrow...just... isn't doomed by it. he revels in his new and weird body like the weird doctor he is despite the horror of it happening in the first place! he can't hide it like grimm could before (grimm stopped caring about hiding bc it's not like yarrow could. plus pretending to be fully human is negligible when you're like. hunting people down and causing extreme property damage), but that doesn't change that he can clack his mandibles like tongs or has a secondary pair of arms or a fucked up proboscis tongue to [redacted], which is fucking cool! how could grimm ever be disgusted by yarrow's body when the not-quite-man they went through hell to find and still love so much loves it! yarrow's still a person! maybe not fully human anymore, but what does that matter!

and there's way too much other shit going on in p3 for them to parse everything out but loving yarrow and his humod body gradually allows grimm to circle around and reconsider their own body and relationship with it for themself and eventually question what about hiding/ambiguity they liked so much and if it's still "useful" or should they make some more assertions about who and what they are. also how the shame of not being "human" they carried for so long doesn't actually matter and is not exclusive to personhood unlike their teen years suggested and also maybe yarrow calling them his "wife" set off something too idk

after that it's even more vague soup than the actual canon of the story bc i'd like to. y'know. write the story itself first before thinking about what happens after everything but it's good to have a trajectory. or something idk