#on god the most sibiling shit in this movie

[im-at-an-infinity-war]

me and my sister watching nat and yelena fight

my sister, while glaring at me: it’s always the younger sibling that goes for the knife

[jaykorianddickkoriforlife]

Lexi's Play/Euphoria Rant after episode 6 of Season 2.

I love drama, not in my life because I have no patience for that shit, but when it comes to TV, and Movies, I'm a fucking goner. A GONER.

When it comes to Euphoria, I have a shit ton of mixed feelings with so many things. Not only with how Sam writes his characters, but there's a lot of other issues I have when it comes to behind the scenes. For example, Why the fuck does Sam do so many sex scenes with Sydney TO THE POINT WHERE SHE HAD TO ASK THAT HE TAKE AWAY SOME SCENES OF HER BRALESS? Does he have a thing for her? It just gives a shit ton of weird vibes. Like there are sex scenes with other characters, but Cassie's scenes beat that amount. I swear he has a thing for her. Why are you filming many things of a teenager having sex a lot? You can just simply allude to it without showing it. He has a thing for her, and no one will ever be able to change my mind about that. It just explains so much.

Anyways, I went off a rant there, but let's get back to the point. I can't wait for Lexi's play, and how people may react. Like I said I love the drama, but I'm also afraid for her. At first I thought it was only going to be based off her life which includes Cassie's which at first I thought it was a little iffy seeing as there's no reason to expose your sisters life as well, but I ignored it because it somewhat makes sense to include your sister in a play about your life, and how it can impact you to certain things based of watching how your sibiling react, or the way they live, and the decisions they make. Then I started realizing it wasn't just about Lexi's life, but about her friends life as well, and that's when I realized that shit was going to hit the fan.

I love the fact that we see her more confident this season, and I love the scenes she has with Fez, and I loved episode 6 because we got to see more of them, and based off the promo of episode 7 I realized I was most likely going to be right. It's not just Cassie that's going to be pissed which most of us predicted right from the start, but it's now clear that it's not just Cassie that's going to be angry.

See it's one thing to make a play about your life, it's another to make a play of your friends lives as well. Especially without their consent. I hope I'm proven wrong, but based off Maddy's reaction in the promo... Lets just say I hope I'm wrong. Don't get me wrong, I'm not mad, but I think she hasn't really realized how her friends may react, and the consequences that may occur. I think that she's just focused on how great her play will be without thinking of what may happen afterwards. Which I can't judge because I have obsessive issues, and when I focus on something, I laser focus on it without thinking how it may impact my life afterwards.

Gia is going to have to relive her trauma with her sister, and she's in a very dark place right now. I feel for her more because shes so young. Everything about the last episode is hitting her harder, and THANK GOD SOMEONE FINALLY FOCUSED ON HER, AND HOW SHE MAY FEEL. I LOVE ALI. Gia is one of my favorite characters, she's just so realistic. People can complain about her crying, but that just shows that they don't know, or have ever experienced how rough it is to have an addict so deep into your life where you can't ignore them since they're always there spiraling, and hurting the people in their life without giving a fuck in the moment since the drugs come first until they bounce. If I watch my girl break down because of that play, I know I'm going to be pissed the fuck out. She's to young to have to deal with so much shit. I worry how she may react to it if she has to see Rue's character derail after recently having to see her at her complete worst.

Rue's addiction is going to be played off as entertainment for everyone else. Yes, I know it's a show, but most of her issues, at least the detailed reasons, is between the people in her life, friends, sibilings, etc. and her. There's no reason as to why the entire school should see more into depth her of her darkest period. Yes, I know she already shows it enough as it is, but that's because she willingly decides to show it. She decides it, the play doesn't give her that option. It's one thing to not give a fuck when it comes to how may people react, it's another for your business to be out there without even knowing beforehand. At that point you really can't decide to give a fuck, or not. Though knowing Rue, she probably won't give a damn, but it's still messed up.

Maddy's relationship with Nate is probably going to be in the play, and that's just wrong. I don't remember if Lexi knows about her being abused (I'm waiting for the season to end to have a marathon, but I think I'm not going to do it after watching how... draining this season is), and if she doesn't then she probably thinks she's just showing a toxic relationship as it is. But put yourself in Maddy's shoes. You have to see it from the outside perspective, and you're suddenly hit with memory after memory of all the times your abuser has hurt you, and their recent actions. If Lexi doesn't know, it just makes it sad when you have to watch a play about your life without it showing the darkest aspect about it, the secret behind closed doors that only certain people know about. When the audience can see how messed up it is without it even showing how utterly fucking worse it was, that's just even more wrecking. They won't know how bad it really is, but you and your abuser will know, and it's just fucked having to be hit with those reminders. Especially with the 6th episode, it just adds to the trauma. Fuck Nate, Honestly just FUCK him. There's no redeeming him, and I'm starting to get pissed off with Sam trying to make the audience feel for him.

I don't even know what Lexi is going to show with Kat. Well no that's a lie. I know there's a high probability of the play showing how she was a cam girl which wouldn't surprise me as the show bends the rules for a lot of things. Maybe it'll show how she gained confidence, but at the same time, there's probably going to be a darker aspect to it to fit everyone else's story. I think the reason why I can't really figure out what she's going to do with Kat's character is because I haven't really seen her this season. She's been shoved to the side as well as Mckay. I know it sounds messed up, but in this season, there's been times where I honestly forgot about her. I'm so into everyone elses life, and since I haven't really seen her, I've been forgetting about her only to get whiplash every time she's not just behind the scenes. I'M NOT GOING TO GET INTO WHAT SHE DID THIS EPISODE. WHAT THE COMPLETE AND UTTER FUCK. Sometimes you really need to just honestly speak your mind instead of trying to be the "good person" because 9 times out of 10, it makes the situation worse.

And as for Cassie, I'm speechless. They're already not close enough as it is, this play is just going to make it worse. Don't get me wrong, I'm not denying that Cassie has treated her like shit, so I'm not really surprised that this is her way of retaliating. Honestly makes sense. Is it right, or wrong? Depends on the viewer, and their experiences.

I'm going to add that I hope she portrays her mother as she really is. I'm not going to deny that Suze isn't an entertaining person, but I can't STAND her when it comes to her parenting style. Be mad, and stay mad if you want to. I've seen so many people say she's such a cool person, and like I said as a character, putting aside her her parenting, she's cool, and chill. As a parent though, fuck no.

I truly believe that if she had been a better mother instead of being stuck in her permanent "I want to be young again, I would rather be a friend than a mother" phase, Cassie and Lexi would've been closer, and Cassie would've most likely had more self respect. I see so many people mentioning how sad it is about their father, but I haven't really seen a lot of people mention her mother as well, and the impact of growing up with a mother like that. Not only did their father become an addict, but their mother would rather party than actually be a parent.

Let's be honest, in the flashbacks- their father was amazing, loyal and dedicated, and who was the one that broke his heart, and changed him? Suze. I'm not blaming her for his addiction because in the end, it depends on the person, but I don't see people mentioning that Suze has a lot to do with why Cassie is the way she it, and why Lexi usually hides in the back. It impacts children in different ways. From the start she has been lost in her world, and they didn't stand a chance especially when their father's heart broke along the way, changing him completely.

Not only that, but miss girl tried to put her daughters against him by the little jealous, possessive lie when she was the one who ruined the relationship by cheating. I can't stand when parents try to put their children against the other parent simply because you want the other one to be seen as worse than you really are. It's one thing to be honest about it, and clear for everyone else, with proof and all, or even without proof. It's different when you're being honest with your child, its another thing to do it to make yourself the victim in the story. No one will ever change my mind about her, NO ONE.

She has her moments, won't deny that, but she would rather party, and drink than actually mother her kids. I think the reason why I'm ranting so much about her is because she irritated me completely in this episode, it just proved me right. The whole "Let me watch my show, I'm not in the mood to do deal with your shit" even though her daughter looks seconds away from snapping. So dismissive, SO dismissive.

The whole taking away the knives seems like the bare minimum. You know that your daughter may possibly be suicidal, and it shows she is even though she's the one in the wrong, can't deny that, but I will never be able to ignore scenes like that. Maybe Cassie did it to make herself out to be a bigger victim, maybe she did it because she is actually at the point where she doesn't see the point. I don't know, but from someone that suffered through suicidal thoughts, and severe depression since a child, I won't ever be able to dismiss scenes like that. If I had a child, there's absolutely no way I would turn a blind eye to shit like that. Even though it was a corkscrew, I've tried with other things weaker than that, and stronger as well, and maybe she wasn't actively trying to kill herself, maybe she was resorting to self harm like her father resorted to drugs to deal with his pain, both physical and mental. I don't know, but I've dealt with both of those things for a long time, so for me it seems really fucking off that she didn't even try to speak to her kid about that. That she didn't sit down, and try to actually talk to her. This isn't me defending Cassie because she IS in the wrong, but I can't fucking stand neglectful parents. This is about Suze alone. It may not be physical abuse, but it's still a form of abuse. Shit like that impacts your kids, some try to overcome it, some become aloof, and quiet, others spiral completely. I really hope Lexi shows how it is to deal with a parent like that, and the reality of it.

As for Nate. We've seen how dangerous he can get when he gets pissed off, you're telling me that if she doesn't bring his name down that he won't retaliate? He put a gun to Maddy's head, there will NEVER be an excuse for that, and then he dismissed his actions. Terrifying her. I'm worried for Lexi's safety if he does get pissed off with her.

Not only that, but if the leaks are true with Fez, not only will she most likely receive a cold shoulder from her friends if she does put their life out for entertainment, she won't have anyone to talk to. She'll feel so alone. I'm not taking responsibility away from her, but it will be sad to see it. I really hope that one specific leak is wrong because I will lose my complete, and utter shit if they do that to Fez. I feel for ashtray too, everything is just so fucked up which makes sense because it is realistic when it comes to that certain lifestyle, but I won't be happy about it in the slightest.

I think if she does spill their life out, she's probably doing it to show the audience to make better life decisions, or she may do it to give them all a reality check. When I say them, I mean her friends, and the people in their life. I just hope I'm proven wrong, I really am, I don't want to see another woman in the show being dragged down by Sam. She's such a good character, and to possibly see her regretful, and sad, and lonely at that. Ugh, not ready for it in the slightest.

I hope I'm proven wrong, that the characters that represent her friends in the play are just side characters to support her story without revealing their personal, private shit. I REALLY HOPE I'M WRONG. Though a part of me expects it, Sam never hesitates in just making the situation worse.

There are some things I like in the show... Like the realistic impact of having to deal with parents like Suze, and the tragedy of their father, and how realistic Rue's addiction is, and before anyone wants to say shit, I was an addict since I was nine years old. I've known addicts, I've been like Rue, I've hurt the people in my life like she has, it's realistic.

The people that say they're done with her because of how rude and awful shes been acting, sorry to break your bubble, but thats exactly how an addict acts. They did such an AMAZING job protraying it. The heartless words, the withdrawal strength where you can easily break a door down, they way one second you can be regretful, and the next you're overwhelmed with your rage again. The pure selfishness, the recklessness, the moments where you give no fucks whether you die or not, the acceptance that you may die from your actions even if it impacts the people in your life, no fucks given at the moment. How you know that your actions can not only bite you in the ass, but the people in your life as well, but the drugs come first so you dismiss it even though deep down, the person who you used to be regrets it, and is afraid for them. How one moment you can be high off as a cloud, and the next you're breaking down as reality crashes, as the high wears off. I've broken so many things down even though they weighed more than me simply because of that withdrawal strength. At normal, I can't even open a jar, or open a bottle with a cap without help. I struggle with opening doors many times as it is. I am so fucking weak, it's embarrassing how weak I am. No strength in my arms whatsoever. That strength comes directly from withdrawals, the desperation. You literally don't even feel pain when you do it, you feel nothing but rage, and panic. That strength comes straight off the drugs.

One thing that was unrealistic at least to me was the whole running thing which I mentioned in one of my recent posts. I don't know how she was able to get away, and run away nonstop without blacking out. Absolutely no clue, and I've had situations like that, adrenaline kicks in until your world spins, and you black out faster than expected which is why most try to find a quick hiding spot instead of attempting to continuously run off.

I love how realistic it is in showing the hope of younger sibling of an Addict, the hope the people in your life can have, and the pain of dealing with that shit, and how broken a parent can become when watching their child act in a way that they know is not really them, but the drugs. I have issues with Leslie don't get me wrong, but certain scenes really hit home a little closer than I'd like to deal with.

I love the fact that it's realistic of an abusive relationship, the fact that Maddy still loved him, and hoped he could change even though he was continuously shattering her.

I love the fact that it's realistic that Fez had to step up, and find a way to make money at a young age to not only take care of his grandmother, but his brother as well even if said way is illegal which usually happens when a kid is desperate, and also depending of where they grew up in. There are things that I appreciate.

HOWEVER there's a shit ton of more things that I completely despise, and hate how they deal with it.

All of them need therapy, all of them. Some more than others, but at the end of the day, all of them need to get some help. I just really hope I don't have to see another character break down. I hope I don't have to see everyone turn their backs on Lexi. I really really hope that it's focused more on her life than revealing her friends life, but then again. like I said. Sam is an asshole who doesn't hesitate in pissing most of us off with all of the characters.

Also if the leaks about Fez are proven true, I'm done with it all. I'll stop watching. I only started watching the show because I related to Rue so much in many things, but I've also found other characters that make me want to watch more. Hoping that we can see them grow more instead of having to be dragged through the mud every single time, but if those leaks about Fez are true, I'm done.

I also want to add that what Sam is doing with Jules is pissing me the fuck off more, and more. How are you going to make an episode where she states she's done with men only to drag her down, and make that declaration go down the toilet? I wouldn't be surprised if Hunter decides to bounce especially with how Sam has been writing her character. Not only that, but the whole Nate thing, she's said to being uncomfortable with it, and with the whole Elliot situation, it's like Sam wants us to hate her. And if that leak comes out to be true for episode 8, I will be so angry with how low he's dragging her charcter down. Will forever be mad.

I better be wrong. I HOPE I'M WRONG. I don't want to see another good character being dragged down. I hope Lexi doesnt have to suffer. Ugh, just not ready for it. Don't want to see her crying.

Edit cuz I forgot to say this-

One thing that is constantly in the back of my head is what Sam did to McKay. Instead of having him deal with his SA, they could've given him more time to deal, and get help to move on. We could've seen him grow as a person. It was just so dismissed, easily written away. And I firmly believe one of the main reasons why they don't show more of him is because he's no longer Cassies bf so now he's written away. I'm not saying the dude is a saint because he's not, but he literally got SA. He's a victim. They really had the opportunity to show the process of getting help and the different reactions he'd get seeing as so many like to deny that men can't be raped, or SA. That its a lie. They couldve shown him firmly acknowledging what happened to him, and cutting of ties with people who dont believe you or ridicule you for it. Perfect Character Growth. They could've shown the process of healing through him after trauma like that. Could've used his character to inspire the others to reach out and get help as well. And it went Right over their heads.

Also, I love Ali. One of the first things in group that you're told is that you have to accept all the wrongs you've done, you have to acknowledge that you were the one to fuck up so that you can be able to move to the next step which is becoming a better person. Not an easy thing to do, it takes a lot of work, and a shit ton groups and therapy sessions. A person who can admit their mistakes instead of always claiming to be a victim. I've met so many people in rehab with stories like his, and worse ones as well, and I can see the change. The hard way they worked to redeem themselves not because of societies expectations, but because THEY wanted to change. They don't use their past to excuse their actions, and people do have a right to remain angry. You have to accept it. Not everyone is going to forgive you, and they have a right to it. Those are the consequences that you face, and that you're warned about when you decide to change for your own well being. You have to accept that some people will cut their ties off completely, and you also have to acknowledge that they have every right to do so. That you can't attempt to guilt them into forgiving you because that means that you're not really working to better yourself if you fall back, and manipulate them again. You have to face the consequences. And the pain that comes with it.

Rehab isn't just coming in and staying clean, no. It's also about realizing all of the fucked up things you've done and acknowledging that you were one who decided to do it, it's about sitting down and making the biggest decision. Do I stay like this, or am I going to really work to be a better person? Not to be forgiven, but so that I can walk out knowing that I'm ready to work for that forgiveness while also acknowledging peoples boundaries, and to not have expectations. So that you're finally free of that toxic circle that you couldn't get out of. You still face the consequences, you just now face them with your head held high without pride or expectations. That's why I love Ali, he reminds me of so many people that I've met in rehab. The people that made me realize that if they can change, and actually be better, why can't I? Their presence, and their words, give off so much hope even in your darkest moments. Will always love him like I love Fez and Ashtray and Gia as well as Rue because of the many similarities between us. They're my favorite characters, I still care for the others but my top 5 will always be them because of my past.

Thanks for coming to my TED talk lol. But yeah, fingers crossed that the next episode won't go down the way I think it will.

[noir-di-gio]

Euporhic

This past weekend i spent two days with her, and I loved every single moment with her. She came over to visit my parents. She insisted she didnt look well enough for them, but I knew she was, even if i didnt see her outfit. I stopped over her house after waking up at 6am in excitement at just the possibility of it. The previous night was a little shaky for her and I. I had a horrible feeling in my stomach that a friend was planning to ask her to prom on stage in front of everyone, and I was right. The moment this kid ran off stage for flowers, my girl’s eyes locked right on me and I had to just look down. I couldnt take seeing another guy make her smile, I felt like a piece of shit. That’s my girl someone else is making happy. I felt so uneasy, and helpless that I had to actually leave the show. What if this was this guys chance to try and steal her from me? All night I was feeling like I was ready to pass out because my nerves were through the roof. I walked out with a friend of mine, who my girl and I both agreed that this friend and his girlfriend would be the first to know that we were a couple, and we had an entire plan ready to go to reveal it but it never happened. I took my friend in the bathroom, and holding back tears from my nerves I told him  “Her and I are together”. 
 He stood there shocked, and surprised. He was apologetic, wondering why I would show up if I had my thoughts of this happening. I gave him one simple answer - “Because she’s my reason”. His girlfriend came out, heard the news, and then my girl’s parents were in the vicinity. As I walk away, her father stops me to talk about the show and its performance. Trying to act as normal as possible, we chatted and we went our separate ways.  She calls me apologetic, and I could her it in her voice she was hurt. She was scared it was over. I went to the restaurant, and we talked in the car for 20 minutes. Honestly, I didnt know what to say. I couldnt believe what I saw, even if i knew something was coming. We chatted. We stated our thoughts, and agreed to continue. But she told me some “news”. She had told her friends at the restaurant because the questions were overwhelming her. I was okay with it, but now we had one more obstacle - how to tell our exes. She is a very good friend of my ex. Not knowing that she knew i had feelings for her for months, my feelings for this girl came as a surprise to her.  That night, I would text and call her ex. He was fine with it surprisingly, until two days later he revealed to me his true feelings. She talked to my ex, and my ex was okay with it. Finally, we could both breathe easy.  But never is anytime with her a bad time, even after Friday night. My stomach still turns from thinking about what I saw, but she assures me everything will be okay, and that she is only in it with me and only me, and I can feel it. Saturday she went to my house for some lunch with my parents. After lunch, we had some alone time to watch a movie. I’ve never felt more passion through someones touch in my life than with her. We started kissing on the couch, and then we cuddled and kissed some more. A fireplace lit, warm blankets, and my girl in my arms, this was exactly how I wanted to start my spring break. She surprised me. I can feel it in her movement, her eyes, her vibe, her touch, she was so passionate about me, and I was beyond passionate about her. I was not expecting this side of her, but I loved it. I felt such love and sensations that this girl was just as crazy about me as I am about her. We locked hands, legs, lips, I could feel her love for me through her body and her touch. I didn’t want to let her go, I felt such at home with her. I took some time to stop kissing her, just smile at her, and then she would pull me down to lock lips some more - holy god I lost it at that point. She would flip me to the floor, I would flip her to the floor, it was just this very passionate love, I’m getting goosebumps just writing all of this again. I tried so hard to pull her even closer to me than our bodies would allow, because she made me feel so good. So safe, so loving, so appreciated. I feel like I am truly infatuated with her. I would drive her home at 4:30, only to lock hands once again for the entire car ride home. Every single car ride we have, whether its a minute or an hour, its the same way. Locking hands, kissing her hand as I drive, singing our favorite songs as loud as possible, and just watching her sing. I cant say enough how much i love her voice - it’s the most smoothing warming sound I’ve ever heard.  The next day I took her out for a quick breakfast date - Dunkin Donuts. Small, Cheap, but still I’m spending time with her - thats all I needed. I drove 20 minutes only planning to spend a few with her because she was busy but I still loved every moment. I bought her a sandwich, a drink, and I bought her parents and her sibilings their favorite donuts. Why? - No reason - It was a good thing to do in my opinion. We sat down, she showed her parents an embarrassing singing video (thanks babe if youre reading this xoxo) and I found her her brother was on national TV for a Yankees catch (parents and family are big Yankees fans). So I was getting ready to leave, and she tells me that i should come to her little sisters basketball game. It’s a sin - her little sister was so sick and she still needed to play. So her parents said okay and allowed me to come. We spent 25 minutes driving to the game, singing our hearts out to our Spotify playlist (Babe go add more after this please and thank you) and just enjoying each other. She did this REALLY cute thing where I would stare at her with my sunglasses on and she would remove them to see my eyes. Little signs like these make me realize that she is for real about all of this. We go to the game with her mom, brother, dad and sister. While her dad is coaching and her sister is on the court, we are taking pictures, holding hands, but theres one thing we did that caught my attention. I squeezed her hand 3 times. She squeezed back 4 times and I heard her smile. I asked if she knew what I meant by that and she said yes she did. That was so reassuring (behind the meaning). I know its early in our relationship, but I can feel that its true for me towards her and vice versa. The car ride back is where I felt more magic. I played her my favorite song of all-time - Youforia by Mac Miller. It’s a love song - and every single word in it represents how I feel about her.   She mean’s absolutely everything to me. I would do absolutely anything to make her smile for even a split second, or to just see her in person. But I love it - She’s what gets me through my day. She’s the one makes my heart race when I think about her, and shes the one that makes me want to be a better man. I am insanely into this girl, and she is with me.  I went to her school the other day and she said 3 words I've been waiting to hear "I love you". That was it. I was locked in to this girl. I never felt more relieved that she said it. I waited and waited and she said it, and it wasn't an accident. I kissed her forehead and said I loved you too. Now more than ever, I feel so... appreciated. She’s my 1-of-1. That’s my girl. She makes my heart sing. She’s my girl. 

[pxedpxper-blog]

Oh look, a sap rant for my 250th post here

//Just me being nostalgic and ranty under the cut.//

So i decided to look back through my old blog and relive all the shit that happened years ago in this fandom and--I’ve literally laughed from all the bullshit (does anyone remember the war? Boys v. Girls there were pegasi and powers and peace was finally reached because of Jason’s abs) and cried from all teh angst (death memes, anti-hero/villain verses, a muse watching the other get tortured but ‘if you make a sound I’ll move to them until they make a sound or one of you dies.’ The gods au where they like. Succeeded the gods of olympus. Remember how early in THAT cluster fuck of feels it was a thing that Piper and Jason couldn’t have a kid because despite now being gods their human genes still made it impossible for the child to survive on Olympus? Cause I do. Among many other painful things) and--

I swear those were golden years to me. There were so many of us and we were all one big happy family (literally at a few points. Still remember polyship hcs) and I swear the depth I got out of almost every interaction (and the laughs that would leave me wheezing from all the CRACK. Never forget that Naruto M!A) was something--is something I can honestly say I’d never been a part of in any other fandom. Maybe it was because Piper was by far the most well known and well loved muse I’d ever had (sorry Giotto but it’s true). Maybe it was because I just met the right people at the right time and found the most brilliant writers by some rare and brilliant fortune.

I still remember and cherish what Cap did for this blog when I first started out. Not only was Pit one of the nearest and dearest muses to Piper’s heart [and he still is] but the mun? That sweet angel was possibly the reason I met such wonderful people like Nat and Daisy and Jessalyn and so many others in the first place. If Cap hadn’t told me to check out Nat’s Jason (at that time the url was...invenustum or something right? I feel like there was another url before that one but i can’t remember for sure...) it might not have been until much later that I stumbled across her and the others--and there is the distinct possibility I never would have become their friends or a member of their social group. I love them to pieces but I know if I hadn’t been introduced to Nat when and the way I was I would’ve been far too intimidated to message any of the lovely people I met afterwards down the line. So I do give a lot of credit for some of my best memories to Cap and Pit because who knows where I would’ve been without that little segway/push?

And then there’s everyone that followed. Contributing to Nat’s mass conversion of all those who entered her territory into Jasiper shippers. Late night talks with Jessalyn about muses, love, and life in general. Jokes and feels with Daisy about Leo and Piper’s most glorious of friendships (and possibility of Leo actually liking and contemplating confessing to Piper before Jason was inserted into their lives and memories) and Leo’s own insecurities and troubles. Angst, angst and more angst from out pain queen creampuff Virginia. Constant support and love from the owner of the pet shop this chinchilla lived in prior to Daisy and Nat adoption (also known as Lexi) and her beautiful OC Jasmine that was the best sister-in-law.

SASSY. PERCY. FOR DECADES. AND PIPER AND PERCY BROTP. Octavian and Piper’s hate/empathetic relationship (its though, loving the same guy). Random crossovers with Harry Potter characters and even Secret Saturdays. All of Piper’s beloved sibilings whether canon or OC. Her beautiful children that lord knows how many people contributed to the making of and later penned by people as amazing as Lexi and Bean (and Jason being the last to know when Junior was conceived. Followed by concerns like “WAIT YO’LL STRETCH THE BABY.”) The list goes on and on. No matter how it happened I still feel blessed to have been accepted by such genuinely kind and beautiful people, supported by so many others whose names I may never know, and crafted memories and experiences that I hope will stay with them for as long as they stay with me.

Many of those friends have moved on to places unknown, but hopefully full of shining prospects and joy. I will always remember the things they’ve done for me--the joy they’ve given me, the insights I had never once considered, the strength to keep moving forward and find a smile no matter how down life got me (whether they knowingly provided it or not)--and I can only hope that even if they don’t remember this chinchilla’s name or anything about our interactions, that at the very least should they think back to their time here with us, I will have provided at least some measure of a pleasurable feeling they can associate with those times. I know they have for me.

As sad as it can be to think about, even those that have been here through the highs and lows, the pops and dwindling of this fandom, won’t be here forever. As many good memories as I have here I know I won’t. As iconic and relieving at Nat, Daisy, and Lexi’s presences on the dash are whenever I return from another unnanounced months long hiatus, one day they won’t be here either. Whether it be days, months, or years from now, I know that one day I’ll log into this account not to roleplay, but to simply remember some of the shining days of my youth these people created. I’d be there knowing all those role models and dear friends have moved on to (hopefully) better places and found contentment in their lives. I’d look to their blogs not to hope that they’ve come back, but to look once more at their final farewell (or last post before they logged off and simply never logged back in) and maybe recount just what they meant to me, and how much that last post means. It’s my sincerest hope and dream to keep in contact with everyone. It’s my must crushing thought to know there’s a chance I won’t (its funny how much people I’ve never even met in person mean to me though). 

I’m sorry--this post took a bit of a sad turn (I know I’m crying at least because I’m just a sap like that), but it wasn’t necessarily meant to be such. It’s just all that reminiscing fills me with a longing for days not likely to return, and feelings that both ache and comfort. I’ll miss those days and people like I miss so many others presently.

But those days may be gone, but there’s still plenty more ahead of us, no? I don’t know how much longer this will last. How many more days I’ll get to log on to the beautifully written prose, and the earnest feelings of love we share for these fictional characters that brought us all together and one another. I don’t know when the last day I or any of my dear friends (the last of my first partners here) make a post will be, or even if there will be a final, heartfelt goodbye to go with it. If I’m being honest I kind of doubt that. Because nothing ever comes out final on tumblr, in my experience. We all part with the message and hope of returning, but with a small whisper from our heart of hearts that tells us we won’t. That the real hope of ever meeting any of those lovely people on the dashboard again would have to be from a chance meeting in that vast outside world we all occupy, or some shining and vague theory of an after life. I don’t know when it’ll come. None of us do.

But until it does happen, I want to continue making memories that’ll follow me forever. I want to write more lines and stumble across more life lessons I hadn’t known I was missing. I want those golden days of the past to shine and slither onto today and everyday after that we’ll share together. I want feelings from sources I may only remember vaguely (or even not at all) when I’m old but still treasure, and names of people I can remember crafting and sharing these blessed, transient days and nights with. I want this blog and my previous one to exist forever--for tumblr to never shut down if only to ensure that these pure, rich, glorious, life changing posts and people will remained forever enshrined with me somewhere. So that even if I should one day forget these things, it doesn’t mean they never happened. That there’s still proof of the times we had and the bonds we shared and posts that may hopefully, one day , make others laugh and cry as we did.

I want this blog--I want Piper and everything and everyone that’s ever touched it, her, me, to live on and be a part of my legacy. These were and still are such defining years of my life and no matter when they come to an end, I never want them to vanish. And I hope you all want that too. I selfishly desire for you to cherish these days and threads and asks as much if not more than I do. For mine to be a name you can recall years later and smile about what I may have left you with.

So hi, my name is Kjirstin Noelle. Commonly known here as Ven or The Chinchilla, I am a 19 year old college student majoring in Media Production that also writes. My dream is to be an actress, or at least contribute majorly to the mass media and entertainment field. I want to star in or produce movies that move and shape others younger than me the same way similar media shaped me. I hope to one day write a book that others can relate to and hold as close as I did the PJO and HoO books and many others like them. I want to create characters and visions that people would want to roleplay the same way Rick Rioridan has for us. I want my works, no matter the platform, to shake and bring people together. To bring them to tears and inspire them to one day do the same.

And more than anything I want to be able to credit any future success I may be met with, to these days on these accounts (and others across many fandoms) and the friends and ideas that formed here. More than anything, I want to carry you all with me and implant the pieces of you that will always linger even after our final farewells, into everything I make, so that one day, those very thoughts and feelings will find their way to another person, and we can ALL know it started here. With me, with you, with friends and ideas come and gone. With forgotten conversations and unforgettable years of tears and joy. So that someone inspired by the things YOU ALL helped me make may want to come back to these accounts and all those related to them, and see for themselves where it all started. To witness the growth we all evoked from one another and keep the memories of days long gone alive when we no longer can.

So. Let’s get writing guys. The history we all will share is already being written, and the works I want to make it into won’t find inspiration from nothing. I look forward to many more threads, head canons, asks, tears, laughter, crack, angst and everything in between with friends both old, present, and not yet made. I love you all, and while this isn’t a yet a goodbye, it is a declaration of everything our time has and will mean to me.