#on an unrelated note i do think this also stems from some form of christian tradition
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I think a big problem in our culture is equating intent and effect, and this works both when predicting the effect and when determining the cause. It is important to remember that just as having good intentions does not excuse the harm one causes, so does someone having caused harm not always mean they intended to cause harm all along.
We are able to know our own thoughts, so when we cause harm we may easily downplay it because "that's not what I intended", as if that would make the harm go away. And when we judge others who cause harm, we similarly try to work backwards from the assumption that harm requires intent - and since we see the harm but not the intent, we assign intent somewhere where it may not even exist.
None of this is to excuse people who cause harm, but maybe to clarify that what we call evil is not some nefarious satanic mindset of ill intent, but rather a stubborn unwillingness to critically examine whether you might be causing harm even if you don't actively intend to, and even whether or not you truly care.
And the more power you have, the easier it is to distance yourself from the harm you cause and keep causing it.
#philosophy#evil#intent is not magic#on an unrelated note i do think this also stems from some form of christian tradition#as 'god created the heaven and the earth' forms this assumption that nothing would exist without an active will to make it exist#the anthropomorphic god who created humans in their own image is in a way linked this erroneous thought pattern#that reality is caused by intent#which is why the problem of evil exists#since the idea is that if god willed the world into existence and there is evil in the world surely god intended to put it there#but like#not to get all atheist in a post about philosophy but wouldn't it help us all to rid ourselves of these kind of mind traps#and yeah yeah my background is christianity and christianity is a major religion affecting western culture so#if you want to challenge me based on 'not all religions are like that' or whatever i don't care that's not the point#the point is the post itself the tags are for weird off-tangent speculations about where this mindset may come from#the actual point is about trying to disconnect intent from harm since those are not the same as cause and effect#intent doesn't prevent harm and harm doesn't require intent#anyway that was my random philosophical thought of the day#thanks for reading
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twenty nineteen. periodt.
i genuinely felt the need to write this because i was bored i have not written anything in a really long time. but mostly because thereās only a few who might read this and not care afterwards. it sucks to not be able to do something that i used to enjoy for quite a while. but here i am!
a lot of thoughts to unburden and a lot of unspoken feelings to unpack. letās get to it, bih.
1. this year felt like it was dragging on. i wanted it to end asap.
so this year, i actually had A LOT of time. where did it go?Ā
to: movies, series, anime, music, watching youtube videos, breakdowns, feeling stuck & paralyzed,Ā academics, reading articles about pop culture & mainstream shit, going out with friends, chatting random ppl at night bc i thought i could trust them (and some of them, i can), and etc.
but on a more serious note, i really was more into the world of media, of both mainstream and indie worlds. i still canāt believe i got through this semester when i have been doing these things unrelated to uni. some ppl are also baffled by this activity log that i have.Ā
point is: i felt like a walking zombie. probably looked like one as well. there is this routine that i have to do and i got really sick of myself. i didnāt have the motivation to strive more. i was always either sleeping (at least for the first half of the year) or watching. it all feelsĀ lifeless. the latter part of the year, my body clock was wrecked. i did not like the weather during daytime. at all. i slept during the day when i did not have classes then i was awake at night. but i try to get as much sleep as i can because my health is declining. i think.
also this year felt like it had 3 sequels. unnecessary, boring, full-of-jump-scares type of sequels. fuck.
2. feeling anxious and chill at the same time.
the only thing that made me feel chill at the latter part of the year is the fact that this shit... like all these shitty things weāve been doing... will pass anyway.Ā
i donāt know if itās because of the new system that was implemented but it definitely feels like the stress levels were high only during exam weeks. for real. i am grateful to have THAT kind ofĀ āstress privilege (??)ā but i also wish i was stressing over something that gives me LIFE. i know iām studying for something that will actually help me provide something for myself and for my family but my soul (oh crap hereās where things get cheesy) screams i should do something else.Ā
my friend always tells me to chill but i couldnāt because thereās always that nagging thought that i have to do something productive everyday. i think it stems from past disappointments, failed expectations from ppl close to me, and just basically feeling like a failure. iām a frantic mess who somehow has the time to do unnecessary things. wish the energy was put into finishing acads on time or earlier, but here we are. think they meant that i should be chill with mysef. to be kind to myself. to not panic and breathe.
another thing is that thereās a load of information shoved in my head that really paralyzes me to act on something.
3. leaving behind the things iāve outgrown.
itās so funny how iāve met few new people this year who i already treasure only to have quite a number of people to walk out of my life.
itās not really surprising to me. i think we all wanted it to happen anyway. iām just happy that things kind of subtly fell apart for things to make more sense. the feeling is kind of like how a misplaced puzzle piece is put into its rightful place. finally, i donāt have to force myself and i think the feelings are mutual. anyway, this year was a revelation in itself despite how dragging the pacing felt. love how the gunk went out and i see now what iāve been blind to. chuck the deuce! definitely a thank u, next moment.
4. meeting new people, unexpected unions.
i definitely did not expect to form connections and be reunited with some of my old friends this year. also witnessed deepened friendships.Ā
thereās always this thing where i put my energy on a high level when iām meeting new people just to seem decent and happy then slowly revealing how tired, sad, and boring i can be. then thereās that fear of losing peopleās interest in me or people not becoming excited to talk to me about... anything really. never thought iād have this fear of losing certain people in my life. i want to detach myself from that and from people themselves too (in a healthy way ofc).Ā
iāve never ever felt like i could lose people in an instant. thereās that thing where i worry if iām too much or iām lacking for people. so i appreciate people who let me know if iām crossing the line or if iām doing something that completely annoys them because i really want to be part of peopleās lives, meaningfully and genuinely. a good one. i donāt want to half-ass my relationships with other people and i seek loving relationships that thrive and inspire where it doesnāt only get good at the start but is continually progressing even when we donāt see each other often. itās fascinating how as we get older, we see how relationships are not as simple as we think they are but really are simple at the same time. we have different goals, we are at different stages in our lives, we are facing shit that nobody else seems to understand and things that donāt seem to end, and we can only hope that our mere presence and emotionally available hearts will listen to whatever the other person has to unburden.Ā
to somehow let them know that they donāt need permission toĀ restĀ and to do things that they are afraid of pursuing.Ā
4a. discovering new artists.
AURORA: the most underrated artist for sure. watched every interview/video/set because she is that bitch. her SONGS, man. i swear. she is that ethereal fairy from the forest. her fucking voice just draws me in. she deserved a better role in frozen 2 tho. she needs to be a lead in a musical animated movie. idc idc i said what i said.
beabadoobee: fucking rockstar, reviving the 90s grunge music and looks.
Billie Eilish: a badass. hate how she still stans bieber tho.Ā
5.Ā daydreaming of a new life.
you donāt know how many times iāve been dreaming to have a big house.Ā
itās time. we really need a new house. iām not, as what the kids say, vibing with this old house anymore. this is what i wish to leave behind as soon as possible. how do i even get the MONEY to afford it? iām just hoping for a miracle to happen, you know. i really wish my family gets to be in a better home soon.
i think if u know me, u might have caught me spacing out a few times.Ā
idk why this always happens. itās so rude to the person speaking to me but my mind literally drifts off to another planet. itās not that theyāre boring. i just canāt help it. i feel like shit thinking about how many times it has happened to me.Ā
sometimes, i dream of being this whole new different person.Ā
someone who is better than who i am. someone who is good at something and is passionate about the things she does. there are a lot of things i am interested in doing but i donāt have the courage to actually do it. idk why i always turn into a statue when i think of things that i wanna do.
6. God.
itās been a long time. i have lost contact with You but You are always there to patch things up for me. every effinā time. i cry everytime.
it must be because i was raised in a christian setting. thatās why i always think itās You whoās working behind the scenes. but still i am grateful.
saved me from certain people.
saved me this semester.
saved me from pulling worthless all-nighters.
provided me financially esp when i thought i had nothing.
prevented a severe acid reflux situation.
gave me new friends.
did literally so many things that saved me from bad situations and people in general like WHO DOES THAT??
7. a life without a plan.
this is literally what i wanted to happen. not carelessly but like where i donāt have to worry about what to do next. just let things be and go with the flow. the first half of this year, i really did not think things through as i normally would and i let plans fall just to enjoy what was in front of me. be at ease and be present during that time. and i did. it was a peaceful, cheery time tbh.
8.Ā every day i wanted to start over just to get over a lot of things.
9. i missed a lot of ppl.
10. i wanted to be held. not by a certain someone. not romantically. but by anyone close to me. *plays iām with you by avril lavigne*
sometimes we all just need a long hug. thatās all. and itād be nice to hear more stories from people. :)
11. not everybody will reciprocate the same energy that i send out to them and itās okay.
this bummed me out. felt like an effinā loser but iāve learned that people have businesses to do. life doesnāt always happen the way we want it to.
12. this the final year of college. just finish it already, dumbass.Ā
13. why canāt i just be kathryn bernardo or AURORA for like a month or a year? i promise i will not ruin their careers lmao.
14. i want to make major changes in my stupid life but money is an issue.
15. the stars are below the sky now.
the state of the environment is the same as of our minds.Ā polluted and overloaded with gibberish to the point that we get scared of doing one thing at a time and where we also donāt throw away the unnecessary baggage/s.Ā
weāre so intent on doing things all at the same time. finishing everything in one sitting. being productive became an addiction and it scared me how i was becoming affected by this. thereās this constant thought that we collectively share which is to do something by every day and it only adds up to peopleās anxiety and depression. social media definitely made us aware of mental illnesses/disorders but then it became a trend. people self-diagnose themselves and end up with the wrong treatment. some people use it as a tool to get followers and... ugh itās all a mess. i hope people get the right treatment/s AND/or professional help because if they donāt, theyāll lose themselves. i mean... just look at the sky. thereās literally no sign of a star now if u live in the city. weāve lost sight of what should guide us. we are unconsciously following a false light thru our devices.Ā
iām not good at analogies or at explaining things as u can tell. but moving on...
this hyper self-awareness that i have gained from social media has its advantages but is also distracting me from living my best life. i didnāt realize that i was making my own christmas lights inside my seemingly dark mind when really... itās just clouded by all this information thatās coming in fast and has affected who i am and certain areas of my life. iāve almost forgotten this and iāve come to believe again that thereās always an ever-present light and it will take time to get used to its brightness once my mind gets clearer by the day. hopefully, it will.
anyway, CLIMATE CHANGE IS REAL AND WE NEED TO SAVE EARTH.Ā
16. men are trash.Ā
17. the people who i should avoid always looks odd or unpleasant and has bad energy. i know shit when i sense one.Ā
18. iām not happy with my life and with who i am but iāll work with what iāve got.
life gives u a mirror and shits on your face. sheesh.
for some reason, i canāt forget what my adviser told me during my 4th year of high school. she told meĀ āit seems like youāre a person full of regretsā and every time i have a cryfest, i think of that. idk why. (never underestimate the power of a few words, folks). you know how like in flow charts, u encounter decision points? the diamond shapes? i think i always decide no and end up with the worst consequence and then thereās no more starting over.Ā
i donāt think i understand flow charts well. ugh.Ā
i canāt come up with a cool transition to me having insecurities so letās say i did!
some peopleās beauty, inspiring. but others just make you feel like shit.
i really want to explore my feminine side more because i was more masculine when i was younger. iām not gentle, iām a bit aggressive. and it just doesnāt fit with who i want to be. idk why. and also, itās fun (!!!). you get a taste of what itās like and itās so EMPOWERING at least for the short experience that i had. but can make me feel very conscious of my entire being and i just end up wearing cartoony disguises. ironic but BABY STEPS. when i think about it, thereās really no black or white answer whether this or that is feminine or masculine. Ā
self-love is not a 5-step process.Ā
it is continuous improvement of oneself to the point where you donāt give a fuck about what they say. i really envy the ones who are comfortable in their own skin, who are totally embracing their flaws. they just bloom. some people just look like them. like itās SO THEM. unmistakably them. and i think if everyone had that, we would not have standards anymore.
oh, to live in a time where individuality is encouraged but is also discouraged when not lived up to its standards. hurray.
19. this year was the year of mindless decisions. periodt.
20. hoping that the new year, 2020, will be the year of CLARITY where i know who i really am, embracing it, and where i will not be taking anymore of anyoneās bullshit. where i know where i stand in my relationships with other people and vice versa. there will be intentional but meaningful endings that will pave the way for blossoming beginnings.Ā
letās hope it unfolds the way it should be. for the better.
bonus: nobody knows what the fuck theyāre doing. everyoneās just going with the flow. be yourself.
note: this is a compilation of thoughts, informally. thank u.
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