#on account of my not actually wanting to play inq.

[thedragonagelesbian]

do i want to play inquisition? no. did i go back and find the save from which i'd have to hypothetically restart dahlian's playthrough with a poly mod to do both josephine & solas' romances? yes.

[trevisos]

okay here are my thoughts on finishing veilguard while i try to decide if i’m going to start my new rook or just immediately restart with magpie

i didn’t actually think i would be right about varric having been dead the whole time man. i wasn’t at all mentally ready to be right about that one. i Did cry. i love u varric. i also rly assumed davrin was going to die killing the archdemon?? so i guess if u choose harding there she beefs it instead??? horrible. and ASSAN JUMPING IN AFTER HIM…… OUGH.

the choice to send neve to disable the ward really sealed the deal on magpie’s run being Neve’s Horrible No Good Very Bad Day (But She Gets Laid). extremely funny. idk if it’ll stay her canon because i’m unclear on if neve like… got un-tainted at the end or if her taint didn’t load for me bc that happened once before when they were climbing up lol. i don’t need another romance where they’re just Waiting For The Calling so if she’s still blighted after. well. i will simply retcon this. LOL

overall the veilguard i played was a Fine Game. the gameplay was fun (tho being stuck on storyteller to avoid my save load error and magpie turning into a default model sucked balls) and the story was like. fine? it was a pretty solid game but maybe not a great Dragon Age Game. the veilguard in my mind where i’m fixing the weird retcons and giving my rook more of a real personality is fucking awesome tho.

more or less wiping out southern thedas with a double blight was…. a choice. flattening the whole elf struggle into a couple of throwaway lines and sidelining the dalish was also like. a choice. and retconning the crows into Purely found family instead of found family (that is still toxic) was just kind of a boring decision. let my de riva and lucanis bond over thinking child abuse is normal bioware! so many times bioware was faced with a choice between making something a little morally grey and making it boring and every time they chose boring! so many things also could have been improved by taking your previous choices into account but those choices were just Ignored and so often there wasn’t the level of emotional payoff i Wanted. like yeah i cried when varric died but i would have lost my mind if he even Mentioned hawke?? isabela being in game but not being able to mention it if she was romanced has single-handedly convinced me my isabelamancer’s world state will simply never make the jump to veilguard bc if my inq who knew siobhan hawke is going to exist in the world but isabela will never mention her wife i think i would die.

lucanis’s romance is……. bad. sorry. it’s bad. it has like no content until the very end and very few of the flirt options even really sound like Flirting. you lock in the romance by thanking him for making you dessert? no kiss! nothing! thankfully magpie is also canonically romancing neve so i get to experience that one next. yay :)

also as a nonbinary faggot. if a video game in a fantasy setting ever says the word Non-Binary to me again it will be too soon.

also. minor problem. but not a word out of the inquisitor’s mouth was in the ballpark of something quinn would say. them not letting us at least choose a General personality for the inq was BAD

overall well. i’m about to start it again so i did like it. i just think the game in my head is better.

[ohsweetflips]

DAO really was the best game, the lore the ability to absolutely wreck shit, the fact that they didnt do that bullshit ‘all sides are grey’ and clearly showed oppression. I think of my warden, an elven mage, and wonder how she’ll be rewritten more than anything.

right like!!!! i love each dragon age game with my whole heart and they all have super special places in said heart, but origins handles a lot of the social problems really well, or at least from the perspective that i play it as (also an elven mage!)

the rest i’m putting under the cut bc holy shit i can talk abt dragon age a lot. also nothing is proofred. i’m so sorry this got so long i hear “bioware” and “grey morality” and i go wild

(pls talk to me abt dragon age.....)

(also please don’t reblog this!!)

like i understand da2 having a type of grey-morality thing bc the final battle was choosing between the mages and the templars (tho imo they could’ve done better than “the mages hate us bc we keep them locked in a tower and there are multiple accounts of us abusing them and therefore some of them turn to blood magic so therefore we should kill all of them” but still, in a setting like that where the Main End Game Choice was mages vs. templars, then that is understandable)

(but also i haven’t played da2 in a couple years so maybe it’s more nuanced than that)

but inquisition! it’s weird bc inq has a super special place in my heart. i’ve played it 6 or 7 times to completion, not counting the other times i got 20/30 hours into it before external forces distracted me. inq is overall the game i think abt the most, most of my playthroughs average over 100 hours, it’s the only game that i have all the dlcs for, for me it’s the easiest to replay, and yet there’s so much that frustrates me abt it! like, i’m gonna avoid talking abt the actual parts of the writing that bother me, bc that can be it’s own standalone thing, but imo it felt like they never actually solidified what actually caused the mage/templar war? there are those that say anders started it (seems likely), then there are those who talk abt fiona leading the rebel mages in the war? and there, of course, is the “the templars have done wrong but so have they mages and therefore you’re shamed either way for what you do” like i Get what they’re trying to do, trying to encourage players to explore their options and really delve into their own moral values of the game and not just adhere to what the game says, but idk the way they always went abt it always rubbed me some type of wrong

i think part of it is bc, when people mention circle mages turning to blood mages and demons and such like that, it was always framed as “ah these evil mages!” and not “[if these are circle mages] most likely their want for freedom pushed them to that”

does that make it right? no, not necessarily! look at uldred from dao! imo, he was wrong! i don’t like the circle and my warden herself has a complicated relationship with it, but i like that you can say “hey! this is wrong!” without legitimate plot-based “but what if it isn’t?”

of course there will always be companions who push for the more chaotic/harsh choices (morrigan is the one i have the most experience with giving me disapproval for being what i think is nice) (still love her tho), but i think dao handled “okay, look at the big picture, and really think abt what hill u want to die on” stance well

and then there’s the way the mage/templar thing is handled in inquisition vis a vis companions. specifically cullen. and, listen, i as a player have a very complicated relationship with cullen and my heros do too lmao. and i really don’t want to get into the nuances of that bc that can 1) turn into a fight i don’t feel like having and 2) can be it’s own discussion, but basically, from my own perspective, he’s a well-written character who makes for a good antag to a mage-siding hawke in da2 bc of how pro-templar/anti-mage he is. again, don’t agree with any of it (honestly da2 alone puts me on the “okay fuck this” level w/ his character), but it does offer an extreme that is interesting to see. origins is more complicated bc in a game not directly stepped in mage/templar and also a game that stems from 6 different origin stories, it’s very easy to be a non-mage and be like “why do i care abt this guy” (if you get what i’m saying? like i got immediately invested in saving the mages bc my first warden was a circle mage so i was very put off by being told to kill all of them, as compared to if i played a non-mage origin and didn’t really have that background knowledge). but overall, origins and da2 puts cullen on the “pro-templars, mages are more dangerous than they are good side.” and then inquisition is where things get interesting!!

and, for a quick ref, i’m very into getting invested in my characters and really figuring out their morals and what they would actually do, or at least think, so dai becomes interesting bc i play as another elven mage who has never stepped foot in a circle and never will. so, bc of that, i play him as naturally more inclined to not initially Think abt cullen’s past like as a templar bc, as a dalish mage, i hc that he does not know what actually goes on in circles (as compared to my warden, a circle mage, and my hawke, an apostate) (but i hc that, overtime, as he has more and more experiences with templars, he becomes more cognizant of that) (but bioware doesn’t give me the option to just dictate everything my camris lavellan is thinking akjsjkdjk)

and dai-cullen, imo, is actually very interesting! and, tbh, i do have to give it to bioware. i feel like i’m abt to say an unironic controversial opinion, and i feel like i’ve already talked abt the nuances of all of this, but i do think dai did well at reworking cullen’s character. however, i feel like that was also done to feed into the grey-ness of the mage/templars. and, imo, i think they almost did well at actually making cullen show regret for how he treated mages. almost. again, i think there’s a lot of nuance! bc we do see him show some type of regret for how he treated a mage!warden (if he said all that shit like “all these people’s blood are on your hands” if u talk abt not wanting to kill innocent mages) and we do see him step away from templar life (that is, if you tell him to stop taking lyrium)

but!!!! there’s One Thing that puts a thorn in this, and it’s that cullen says something along the lines of, “meredith wasn’t all wrong, she had reason” like bitch!!! no matter what side you choose in da2, you fucking fight meredith!!! she’s wanted to kill innocent mages/make them tranquil even before anders blew up the chantry!!! meredith was all wrong!! she was evil!!!!! she was objectively a harmful person!!!!!!!!! bioware really makes this bitch the final boss of da2 and then has the audacity to say “but maybe she wasn’t all bad” in dai like WHERE IS THIS FOR ORSINO??? ORSINO ISN’T ALL BAD, IS HE???????? OH BUT HE IS BC HE RESORTED TO SUDDEN BLOOD MAGIC IN THE LAST TEN MINUTES OF THE GAME, AS COMPARED TO MEREDITH WHO WAS A DANGER FOR THE ENTIRE FINAL ACT and i digress but the fact that bioware is trying to redeem cullen but also showing that he still sympathizes with a woman who 1) turned against the templars and 2) Literally Everything She Did To The Mages always makes me “hmmmm are u really trying tho :/”

also tho one thing i’m actually not the biggest fan of is that cullen is like “oh i knew hawke in passing........ knew varric in passing.............” meanwhile let’s just cut to everything that happened at kirkwall. this is my own opinion bc i see varric as hawke’s #1 but i personally think that at least half of the comraderie varric and cullen sorta-kinda-had in inq was varric testing the waters of “okay what is cullen going to be like if and when hawke shows up”

also tho i will say a hot-take of mine is that if cullen gets to be redeemed by bioware, then i want something for anders, too, but i doubt bioware would do something so clearly pro-mage. but it could be two sides of the extreme! extremist templar gets redemption, extremist mage does, too! come on, bioware, show your grey morality

(again, i think it’s interesting what they did with cullen in dai and does give some sympathetic light but i also do think the reworking of his character was working towards bioware’s moral-greyness agenda with dragon age. not that that’s necessarily a terrible thing, i understand them wanting some nuance, but it’s the way they do it. like, you can show bad templars and bad mages and still not have “but who is really the bad guy? the oppressors or the oppressed? who is it really?”)

(and also just bc i feel like i need to put my own player claim in this, my opinion on cullen is complicated and also i’m gonna be completely forth-right with u, dear anon, i appreciate cullen in inquisition but, as a whole, he can be terrible to ur warden in dao (that’s not me being shifty it literally just depends on the choice you make in broken circle) and in da2 he’s a nightmare, so bioware had to do a lot of legwork in dai) (tbh tho in my personal-player opinion, if i was to ever romance cullen in inq, it’s not gonna be with a mage)

god this got so out of hand anon i’m so sorry you probably didn’t want this messy essay but i just love talking abt dragon age!!! i think abt it a lot and i have five years worth of headcanons and i have a family tree set up for my surana/lavellan bc of some bullshit i pulled and also!!!! bioware’s writing can get so frustrating but i also think it’s so interesting to pull apart and discuss bc i think the bioware has actually shifted from pro-mage (origins) to neutral-mage (da2 kinda) to anti-mage (dai) and i feel like So Many Choices with characters and their plots reveal that!!! so it’s a frustrating agenda but i also just love dragon age so much that i can’t help but get excited and talk abt it!!!

like, as all things, i do believe there are times when grey morality does work, but, at least from a mage-siding perspective, it hasn’t really landed well for dragon age. bc, and i don’t want to drag in real-life scenarios bc i feel like it would be incredibly inappropriate of me to use any oppressed minority as a comparison for a fantasy world, but it’s the age-old thing of people saying the shitty “but the oppressed fight back and therefore they’re just as bad as the oppressors!” and that’s like....... not how it works.

but also you’ve caught me in a wonderful mood so i feel like, if i was in a bad mood, this would be a lot more “and fucking bioware can’t make a goddamn decision on what side they actually support so instead most of the companions are gonna made rude remarks abt you supporting mages and the ones that support you are seen as distrustful and fuck this and fuck that” but i think that is the joy of loving something with you’re whole heart and also saying “there are so many things abt this that piss me off and so many things that i would change”

and also!!!! ik bioware probably killed my warden so like rip electra surana but i would love for the warden to make an appearance in da4 as a temporary companion/advisor. but! but!!!!!! i also don’t know how much i trust bioware with my “elven mage who is alistair’s mistress and preferred the mages and wanted to free the circles and etc etc etc” bc... idk how to explain it? like, i don’t want them taking my warden and putting words in her mouth that go against choices i meticulously made in dao

[lesbiancouplescounseling]

I’ve been thinking a lot about how learning the best communication skills known to womankind is crucial to having an awesomely amazing lesbian relationship. (BTW — It’s just as important for straight couples, too!)

In fact, in my previous blog I shared how to improve your communication instantly with 7 non-verbal communication moves. If you haven’t yet read it, you can check it out here. Then, be sure to come back so you can soak up the next level of communication magic I’m about to share.

If you’re anything like the couples that I see in my Denver lesbian couples therapy practice, you’re probably rocking communication when you and your babe are talking about happy subjects and things you agree on.

But alas, when you think about having a conversation about a difficult or sensitive topic…

Bam!

You either hit your inner wall of avoidance and collapse into shut-down mode. Or else you launch into a big talk, and quickly fly into an angry (and sometimes mean) fight that get’s you nowhere.

Do either of those scenarios sound familiar? Is it hard to speak your truth and not have a meltdown? This is often the case for women in lesbian relationships.

If so, you’ve landed in the right place. Because I’m about to show you how to get an A+ every time you and your partner talk. Even about the really tough topics. And that is what will move you from disconnection to deep connection and long term happiness.

Learn to communicate successfully with your partner by understanding the essential 2 roles of effective communication.

Before we dive into what it takes to communicate really well, I want to tip my hat to my mentors who taught me these principles: Dr. Ellyn Bader and Dr. Peter Pearson. Their Developmental Model of Couples Therapy based communication system has improved how my partner and I communicate by leaps and bounds.

And now that I teach it to all the couples I work with, it’s changed their relationships in enormously positive ways, too.

This stuff works!

2 Roles That Lead To Great Communication Through The Development of Self:

Drs. Bader and Pearson coined the term Initiator-to-Inquirer to describe the two roles required to communicate effectively and to grow intimacy through the development of self.

Practicing and getting good at these two roles will help you and your partner manage the tension that is bound to arise as differences between you bubble up.

I want you to know that having differences from your partner in what you think, feel, want, and desire is a normal part of a healthy relationship.

But let’s be real…those differences can cause a lot of distress and anxiety.

Differentiation is what will enable you to cope with the tension that’s bound to come up when those differences rear their ugly heads.

Practicing differentiation through the Initiator-to-Inquirer process is the path to handling conflict successfully and to having a thriving, authentic, and alive relationship for life.

1. The Role Of Initiator

In the Initiator-to-Inquirer system, the initiator is the person who is bringing up a concern or a tough topic to share with her partner.

To me, the Initiator role is the embodiment of steady vulnerability.

As the initiator, your main goal will be to express your concern openly and vulnerably to your partner. So that you can share (and perhaps discover) your truth. All the while, soothing the anxiety that might creep into your body. That’s what I mean by staying steady.

This is what Ellyn Bader calls differentiation of self.

It can be challenging to feel at ease when you’re taking the risk of expressing negative feelings or when you want something different than she wants. That’s why you’ve got to hold steady. And continue to be vulnerable at the same time.

Wondering how to stay steady in a difficult conversation?

Stay steady by taking a deep breath and reminding yourself that if you jump back into the crib of conflict-avoidance you’re actually inhibiting the growth and expansiveness of your relationship.

Four steps to revealing your self…

Laser Focus

Before you start a conversation with your partner, get clear on your main concern. Only focus on one issue.

It’s terrifically important that you stay on track with just one issue. So, prepare yourself mentally to not trail off on other tangents.

Then, let your partner know that you have something to share with her, and ask if this is a good time to talk. If she’s upset, about to go to bed, or expecting a visitor any minute, she’s probably not in a state to listen calmly.

If you’re partner’s in a good space to talk, tell her exactly what you want from her in this conversation. For example, you might say, “I just want you to listen and understand where I’m coming from. You don’t have to solve anything.”

Remind yourself to stay focused on your one, main issue.

Steady Vulnerability

Begin to describe your feelings and thoughts to your sweetheart. Don’t worry if you sound like you’re contradicting yourself. Feelings don’t always make sense. And they’re often complicated.

Be sure to look for the vulnerability that dwells underneath the feelings that you’re initially aware of.

In other words, start to explore other, vulnerable feelings you’re having. And take the risk of sharing that vulnerability with your partner.

Vulnerability is what grows intimacy!

Respectful Accountability

Take ownership of your own feelings. Remind yourself throughout this conversation: This is my issue. It’s an expression of who I am and about me revealing my true self.

Make sure you don’t blame your partner for your feelings and concerns. Blaming will stop you cold in your tracks from knowing yourself.

And for heaven’s sake, don’t laps into name calling or belittling your partner. It will only result in her getting defensive or aggressive. That tactic is mean, and it will instantly put a halt to your positive communication.

Daring Self-Discovery

As the initiator, you get to explore your most personal and inner experience. Your truth.

This is the gift of self-discovery. But you’ll only get to fully enjoy this precious gift if you keep going deeper into how you feel.

As you process your feelings with your partner, you have a remarkable opportunity to learn more about yourself. About how you think, feel, and respond.

Keep reminding yourself that this gift hinges on your willingness to take the risk to speak up and discover your truth.

2. The Role Of Inquirer

In the Initiator-to-Inquirer communication system, the inquirer plays the role of the effective listener.

But this role is much more than just listening. The inquirer has the opportunity to reach a much deeper understanding of her partner (the Initiator). And to also help her partner get to a place of profound self-discovery and acceptance.

I believe the distinguishing essence of the Inquirer is what I call radical curiosity.

When you’re in the role of Inquirer, your top objective is to listen and ask questions in such a way that facilitates your getting to know more about what makes your partner tick. In turn, that curiosity will enable her to grow as an individual and to stand confidently in her own truth.

Make no mistake, it will be challenging at times to be an effective listener.

Imagine for example how you’ll feel if your beloved tells you that she’s very angry with you for something you did. Especially when your intentions were golden.

See, when you’re in the Inquirer role, you’ll have to work on staying steady, as well.

You can remind yourself that the issue your partner is bringing up is her problem. You don’t own the problem, nor do you have to fix it. Your job is just to manage your reactions in a way that doesn’t detract from your partner fully expressing herself.

Take a deep breath with a slower exhale if you start to get upset. And remind yourself that you only need to listen. You don’t have to solve anything.

Four steps to becoming an effective listener…

Non-Defensive Listening

Here, your big task is to listen calmly. Without getting defensive or turning the tables to focus on one of your complaints.

Put your full attention on what your partner is taking the risk to talk about with you. And tell yourself, “I don’t own this problem and I don’t have to take it personally.”

Stay calm and steady so you can listen in a way that lets your partner completely talk through what she’s bringing up. Later on (in another conversation) you can have a turn to talk about yourself.

Intentional Recapping

I’m sure you’ve heard from other communication teachers about paraphrasing or parroting back what you hear your partner saying. And if you’re like many people, you might feel frustrated with this particular step of how to be a good listener.

But don’t skip this step even though it might feel silly or artificial.

I can’t over-emphasize the importance of recapping or repeating back to your partner what you’ve understood her to say. And to be as accurate and thorough as possible.

You know how badly you want to be understood? Well guess what…your partner feels the same way.

And the best way to let your babe know you understand her is by intentionally recapping what you hear her saying. (She can do the same for you when you initiate a conversation with her.)

If your partner has a tendency to go on and on, you can lovingly ask her to pause so that you can make sure you’re hearing her correctly. It’s hard to recap 10 minutes worth of monologue.

Radical Curiosity

When you’re in the inquirer role, show up with lots of curiosity. Work on developing a genuinely interested and curious state of mind whenever you’re listening.

Ask questions that will help your partner understand her experience more completely. And remember that your questions will help with her self-discovery. In turn, you’ll understand your partner more fully.

Imagine showing up like an inquisitive journalist when you’re in this inquirer role.

Staying curious about your partner’s feelings, thoughts, and history will help you get to a place of deeper understanding and intimate connection.

Genuine Empathy

One of the most touching gifts you can give your partner when she has something vulnerable she wants to talk to you about is to get to a moment where she feels soothed.

Remember that it’s probably scary for your partner to take the risk of sharing her vulnerable feelings. And that doing so will likely cause her tension and distress.

So if you can actually facilitate a moment where your honey can finally relax because she feels understood and accepted…

Well, that’s priceless.

Empathy is one of the most effective ways to soothe your partner when she’s initiated a vulnerable conversation with you.

So, put yourself in her shoes. You can be empathetic and still hold onto yourself.

Keep sharing your empathetic statements and a soothing moment will eventually occur. And don’t forget that a gentle touch can amplify the soothing effects of your verbal empathy.

Great Communication Takes Teamwork

If you’ve found this article to be helpful, I encourage you to share it with your partner. That way, you’ll both understand the two roles that are essential to successful communication.

My goal is for you and your partner to learn to communicate successfully and save your relationship (…and make it thrive)!

The essence to great communication is the willingness to take a stand for differentiation. And that means calmly tolerating the tension that arises when you and your partner have different thoughts, ideas, feelings, and desires.

No doubt, it takes working as a team to pull that off.

So remember that you and your partner each have two roles to play when you’re communicating about a challenging topic. And that you’ll each only play one role at a time during a given conversation.

When you’re the Initiator — take a deep breath, focus on one issue, stand firmly in steady vulnerability, don’t blame your partner, and dare to discover new things about yourself.

And when you’re the Inquirer — listen calmly and don’t get defensive, recap what you’re hearing, embrace radical curiosity, and move into empathy as much as possible.

If you find that you and your partner have trouble putting these skills into practice, consider coming to work with me at The Lesbian Couples Institute.

Call to set up a free initial consultation if you live in Denver. Together we’ll decide if the Lesbian Relationship Breakthrough Program would be a good fit for your relationship.

Don’t live near Denver? Then check out our Lesbian Couples Retreat In Denver. It might be the perfect opportunity to quickly get your communication and relationship back on a secure path.

Let me help you become the happiest couple you know.

[cedarrrun]

By Leo Babauta

When we begin to declutter our lives, often it’s because we long for some kind of peace, some space, some relief from the chaos … or perhaps it’s to start to lead a more intentional, beautiful life.

But something magical happens when we dive into the decluttering process.

We start to learn about ourselves.

And if we keep at it, decluttering can become a place of deep growth.

I’ve seen this in my own life and in the lives of people I’ve worked with, countless times.

Decluttering causes us to confront some key relationships we have to our stuff, and to the world around us:

We learn that clutter often represents our procrastination and avoidance patterns, and if we are to address the clutter, we must shift those patterns.

We realize that we place a lot of power in objects: the power to give us identity, a sense of value, a sense of who we are; the power to give use security, hopes for the future, memories, love, comfort.

But then we realize that this power is within us all along, not outside of us. This takes work, to start to see this in an experiential (not just intellectual) way.

We learn about our attachments to things, and how to let go. This takes a lot of mindfulness, and some realization that we have happiness within us, and letting go of objects is simply a practice of that realization.

We start to pay attention to what is truly important to us, and that will shift over the course of this inquiry. When we ask this question of what’s important, we can start to live intentionally, and once we start living in line with those values, we evolve our understanding of what we really value. It changes as we take action.

We start to deal with the shame and guilt that come up from our clutter, from our procrastination and avoidance, from our years of mindless shopping. The shame and guilt get in the way, but they can also spur us to reconsider our patterns, to start the process of shifting them. In the end, one of the most powerful shifts is to let go of the shame and guilt while also embracing the truth of not avoiding.

These are some of the things we might explore while we declutter — many more possibilities exists, and I think you’ll find your own realizations and growth that are unique to you.

Let’s talk about just a couple of these.

The Power We Give to Objects is Really Inside Us

As we declutter, it’s amazing to ask exactly why we acquired all this stuff, and why we hold on to it with attachment.

And then we realize how much power we give to all these objects.

Imagine what would happen if we could realize that the power isn’t outside of us, but is in us all along.

Some common cases:

Security: Buying a lot of stuff makes a lot of people feel secure. If everything crashes, at least we have all this stuff, right? This is the idea that my grandparents’ generation, who were raised in the Great Depression, once had. But while I’m all for having an emergency fund savings account for security, possessions the best way to get security. Actually, security is within: being mindful of fear and meditating on it without being reactive to it, learning skills and developing options so that we can survive in many situations, staying lean so we aren’t deeply in debt or overburdened with bills, and in the end, developing the trust that we’ll be OK just as we are.

Approval: Lots of us try to buy nice things to impress other people — we don’t usually admit that to ourselves, but in the end, we want the approval of others. Maybe you buy a nice house with beautiful furniture, maybe it’s a hip old-school record player or an impressive sound system, maybe it’s a huge TV or the latest gadgets, maybe it’s minimalism that is more minimal than anyone else. In the end, it’s all about wanting others to approve. What if we just approved ourselves? Easier said than done, but the power to approve us is within us, if we stop looking for outside approval. Declutter to take care of yourself, for your own personal growth, not to get the approval of others. Do good things for yourself, and start to love yourself exactly as you are.

Comfort: Just the act of buying things can be a way of comforting ourselves, like eating comfort food when we’re stressed. But lots of times, we buy possessions to give ourselves comfort: a nicer mattress or sofa, a plush carpet or convenient kitchen gadgets. There is nothing wrong with these things, but it’s also useful to note that we’re giving these things the power to comfort us. What happens if they all get taken away, as my possessions once did in a typhoon on Guam? Instead, we might realize that we have the power to comfort ourselves from within: by meditating, by going for a walk in nature, by giving ourselves love, by resting when we’re tired or stressed, by creating and finding joy in living, by loving others and loving life.

Identity & value: Possessions can often give us a sense of identity and value — a trophy makes us feel accomplished, having nice ski equipment or a surfboard makes us feel outdoorsy, having lots of books can make us feel smart or intellectually accomplished. But the truth is, the way we feel about ourselves doesn’t really come from the objects — it’s an internal process, all coming from within. Want to feel amazing? Appreciate the amazingness that’s already within you. Demonstrate it to yourself daily with 20 minutes of meditation and 100 pushups. Even just watching your mind, you can find an sense of awe about yourself!

Memories and love: We can’t bear to get rid of things because they represent amazing memories, and the love of the people who gave them to us. But the memories aren’t in the objects! They’re in our heads, and a simple digital photo can remind us of the memories, especially if we remind ourselves to browse through the digital photo album regularly. And the love from these people aren’t in the objects! It’s in our hearts. We only need to feel that love from within, and no object can actually give us that.

Hope and aspiration: We hold onto exercise or sports equipment we never use because we have hopes that we’ll do them in the future. We hold onto 100 books because we have aspirations to read them in the future. There are dozens of objects in our lives that represent our hopes and aspirations for ourselves (mine: magic tricks, juggling, chess, Go, hiking, camping, books for learning, literature). But what if we realized that we don’t need all of those hopes for our future selves? That we have greatness in us, right now, without needing to do any of that? We are exactly enough, right this moment, and while sure, it’s possible we’ll do some of that later, we don’t need it. We can let go of it. And just be content right now. Leaving open incredible possibilities for the future, but being realistic that we’ll only be able to focus on what’s truly important in the near future.

Happiness: In the end, most of the objects are intended to give us happiness — a new smoothie blender will make us healthy and fit, a new outfit will make us feel gorgeous and confident, a new bag will make us feel cooler, a new book will give us joy or insight. Those things might happen. But the happiness that results doesn’t really come from the things. It comes from our own connection to our loving, open hearts. The stuff might facilitate that, but mostly it’s just getting in the way.

There is some great power in realizing the things we think our objects do for us. And there is even more incredible power in realizing that we have that power inside us, no objects required.

Knowing that, we can let go of anything not giving us true utility.

Living Life in Alignment with What’s Important, with Intention

One of the magical things about decluttering is that it forces you to ask a wonderful question:

What is important to me in my life?

As you tackle a pile of clothes, a cluttered countertop, a shelf overflowing with books, there’s no way to get rid of clutter without answering that question.

To toss anything out, you have to consider what you feel is essential, and what isn’t.

Simplicity is simply identifying what’s essential, and letting go of the rest.

When you start decluttering, you might not really know what’s important. You look at some clothes and decide that you have’t worn something in a couple years, so probably it’s not that important, right?

But as you peel back the first layer or two, you start hitting against a harder layer. Is this something I should keep or not? Does it really matter to me? What do I consider important in my life? What kind of life do I want to live? What do I truly value?

For me, this has started to boil down to a few key things. What I value the most:

Meaningful work: helping people push into the uncertainty of their missions and their own meaningful work, shifting their habitual patterns using mindfulness techniques. This is what I care deeply about.

Loved ones: my wife and kids, my mom and siblings, and other super important family members and friends who I love deeply. Spending quality time with them, loving them.

Living a mindful, healthy, vegan life of compassion. This means eating delicious healthy vegan food, being active, meditating, playing with my kids. It means being compassionate as much as I’m able. It means growing, evolving, loving.

That’s all that matters to me. I like to travel, but it’s no longer one of my top priorities unless it’s in service of one of the above priorities. I like to read, but unless it serves something above, it’s taken a bit of a back seat (I still love it!). I love good films, television, music, art. I feel it’s important to understand the issues that affect us all, like politics and the environment and racism, sexism and the like. But for me, I have evolved my priorities into those items above. In short, my deepest priority is love.

But those are just my answers. You’ll find yours, as you continue this inquiry into what’s important.

When you start to figure that out, something awesome happens: you start to live in alignment with those priorities. You start to live your values. You start to live consciously, with intention.

When you start to uncover your priorities … then you can start to let go of everything that doesn’t serve those priorities. What’s clutter becomes clearer, and it becomes easier to let go of these.

You can start your days with intention. Who will you serve? What priorities will you hold in front of yourself? How will you show up? How fully can you love?

Join My Challenge

It’s not too late to join me in my Declutter Your Space Challenge this month by signing up for my Sea Change Program, where I’ve issued the challenge to my members.

In Sea Change, we will:

Commit to this challenge to each other, and report on it each Monday.

Have a live video webinar on my simple clutter method (Sat. July 7), where you can ask me questions.

Give you 3-4 articles (written by me) to support your decluttering challenge.

Celebrate our wins together!

Join Sea Change today and get in on the challenge!