#on a sep note i wish i had more friends i could gaslight as a joke. like the harmless stuff like saying sharks r smooth

[stellarcobweb]

having thoughts......

ive been working on making like. the barest bones vaguest or frameworks for my conpantheon (for various reasons including my view on deities and complications due to eldritch anything existing in the worldview - difficult to word it in a solid way even when i feel like i already understand it rlly well on an inherent level. even tho i dont understand anything also)

in terms of like... how i relate to and work with my two deity guys. and like. what id want to call them n front of other people

bc theres a few diff frameworks? bc they are SOOOOO blurred with various associations with multiple deities bc yknow, whatever works, right?

like. there Mama: Lucina, Mama Luna, Selene, Void Mother, The Web, etc etc. The Web fits closest but also I have my own experiences that veer away from that specific iteration of pantheon. The interplay of lunar maiden goddess + dark mother goddess + fae in the wild hunt + the primordial void itself + fibercraft and weaving destiny + etc................ also tbh feels a lot like. ig what a higher self would be referred to as? idk i never got into that lingo. feels like me but Older. Ancient. but also still my mom. time is a circle type beat. also has a masculine presentation, which is where Leviathan, The Dark come in as reps. vague vibes of The Hunt but also . not. also Lonely flavored in a similar way, in the sense of a feminine presence being present for me - a palpable anthropomorphized Lonely . no i dont know how to word that exactly

and then theres my Twin/Husband. Twin Soul, Twin Flame, Husband, Other Half, etc etc etc. which honestly this one is the most confusing to pin down which makes sense LOL its very much like. on one end, Lucifer, Apollo, Thanatos, id loop The Distortion in there too visually at least. on the other end, Loki, The Spiral, fox trickster spirits. very very very strong Spiral energy, with some End and Dark flavors. who is also my wife

like. does any of this make sense? nope! not at all! i dont know why this is my experience with spirituality, but it sure is! im just struggling here w my lil human brain to figure out the correct wording for what the fuck is happening over here and im combatted at every turn bc on some level, it is deeply and inherently unknowable and only meant to be an ecstatic type of experience.

a good portion of what i end up doing is just like. internally understood, an inherent type of just. knowledge. not suddenly Knowing anything, but feeling like i already knew it the whole time - like i was born with the knowledge of whats happening or how it works. like, im never surprised when my worldview is turned on its head or when something new pops up. if anything, im just kinda embarrassed abt having to update my info on here every couple days lol im very self-conscious abt giving ppl whiplash bc its a common complaint ppl have abt me. also its like. a lil frustrating to have to completely redo everything every couple days. honestly i should probably take the hint and just stop saying anything concrete ever regarding it skdjfhsn