#omg i forgot to post this last Saturdays because i was so busy with my exam

[heyhihellowhatsup0]

Hooked On Your Feelings - Chapter Two (FWB! Tom Holland x Reader)

SERIES MASTERLIST

Warnings: Some angst, language, eventual smut in future chapters, fluff

Word Count: 5255

Summary: After a bad breakup, making an agreement with your womanizing neighbor, Tom to be friends with added benefits and no strings attached seemed like the perfect idea. Until things become messy, emotions caused your agreement to crumble.

A/N:  I am HYPE to post this new chapter! Omg I just love writing this series so much its so fun writing Tom like this lol. Also low key...this chapter has an easter egg to a pervious series of mine and I’m v curious if anyone catches it but probably not because its superrr tiny but either way I hope you guys like this one! Obviously, smut is in this chapter! DM me to be tagged and I cannot wait to hear everyone’s thoughts! (Also .gif is not mine. DM me for credit please, I found on google!) Thank you xx -N

“What happened to that girl you took home the other night from The Lace Rabbit?” Harrison asked as he ordered his lunch before he took a seat at the table with Tom. It was typical for them to meet up during the week on their lunch breaks and catch up when they were not busy being wingmen for the other while bar hopping on the weekends. 

Tom shrugged off Harrison’s question as he took a bite of his sandwich, “She got a little clingy so I had Y/N help me get rid of her,” he smiled as he said your name out loud. His friends knew of you as the hot girl who lived next door who bailed him out of sticky situations. Always teasing Tom how he could never actually get you. The irony made it all too funny for him, “How’d it go with that blonde girl?” he asked to change the subject off of him.

He didn’t know if he should bring up the two of you sleeping together with Harrison. Harrison was his best friend and wouldn’t judge but he knew he’d give Tom shit for it. He’d want to know details of your arrangement or how it came about, if you were really that good and Tom didn’t feel comfortable answering that. Not if it was about you. He didn’t want his other friends knowing about you in the way he did. That was personal between you both and he wanted to show you he respected you.

“It didn’t,” Harrison admitted while taking a sip of his water. He let out a chuckle as he felt himself blushing, “Forgot her name and she spilt her drink on me. Can’t say I didn’t deserve that one,” he at least knew when he was in the wrong.

Tom cringed into his sandwich as he let out a cackle, “You definitely deserved it, mate,” he laughed with another bite. His phone vibrated in his pocket but he chose to ignore it, knowing like clock work what it probably was. It was going to ruin the rest of his day and he at least wanted to enjoy lunch with his friend before getting pissed off for the day.

“She’d probably love you,” Harrison teased. 

“Fuck off,” Tom rolled his eyes with a laugh. “I’m not taking your angry seconds.”

“Don’t knock angry sex til you try it,” Harrison smirked knowingly. 

Tom shook his head as he once again ignored the phone ringing, “I think I’m good, thanks,” he brushed it off with another eyeroll. 

He didn’t know why he suddenly felt weird talking about their last venture out at the club. Maybe it was because Tom knew where he ended up after that girl had left and he knew what that meant for the both of you. But Tom wasn’t done with his bachelor days, and even you knew that. Hell, you practically insisted since this was a no strings attached deal.

It just felt strange not telling Harrison about you. Like it was a weird secret. But at the same time, he felt oddly protective of you. Not wanting his friends to see you as some girl he was getting laid with. Or worse, a potential love interest. He knew it wasn’t going to happen. Hell would be freezing over before Tom decided on any sort of long term obligation. But he knew his friends and he knew they wouldn’t see this is a simple agreement between two friends. And he didn’t want to deal with that conversation.

Staying quiet was the better option. For his own sanity. And...well, would you care if he told anyone about this? Tom figured that was another rule he’d have to ask about. He didn’t want to overstep any boundaries and he knew you had a list of rules as well that he was happy to follow. As long as that meant one thing and one thing only: non-exclusive.

Harrison noticed Tom’s phone buzzing for the third time. And Tom ignored it for the third time. He checked the message with a huff of his breath before turning the screen face down on the table, going back to his lunch before he had to get back to work.

“Clingy girl?” Harrison nodded towards Tom’s phone. 

Tom shook his head, “My mother was supposed to visit this weekend but you know the routine,” he mumbled into his food, not even wanting to respond to her.

“Let me guess,” Harrison began, knowing exactly where this was going since he knew Tom’s whole story inside and out. Including the bits he hated to discuss which was mainly his family, “Going skiing with Clint in Veil instead?” he questioned knowingly.

Tom scoffed out a laugh at his guess, “Surfing with Clint in Malibu but same shit,” he corrected as he tried not to let it get to him. But even Harrison could tell he was getting bothered by it once again and who could honestly blame him.

 Always the same story every time no matter what and Tom grew tired of her antics. He couldn’t even blame Clint for it anymore considering she’d been this way since he was a kid before he was even in the picture. Only now she would just use him as the perfect excuse to get out of coming to visit.

He knew he shouldn’t care anymore but he couldn’t help it. It wasn’t something easy for him to simply let go of. It was his mother. And no matter how many times he’d try she would always give him back the bare minimum and it always made him upset. She was his one final connection to him and she could care less about any of it, so why did Tom? It always got under his skin and he loathed that it did.

But he would still invite her. No matter how miserable it made him.

“Well at least now you’re free this weekend,” Harrison broke his thought while he gathered their garbage before they headed back to work, “The usual at The Lace Rabbit this Saturday then?” he suggested with a knowing smile to try and get Tom out of his mood.

Grabbing his phone, Tom clutched it tightly as he inhaled sharply. Knowing his change of plans meant doing his normal routine even though he was looking forward to the slight change this weekend, which now just seemed bleak to him

.

“Yeah,” Tom agreed as he tapped your name on his phone but hesitated when he saw his mother trying to call for a fourth time, “The usual this weekend.”

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Your chest tensed as you got into your car after your extremely long day in the office. Everything around you felt heavy and you couldn’t wait to get home as soon as you could but you found yourself still frozen in your car. Unable to move as the moments from earlier this afternoon invaded your thoughts once again while you tried your best to move in. Even though you knew you were completely grief stricken and didn’t know what the hell to do.

The promotion was yours, at least you had thought it was by the way your boss would constantly hint at it. You knew it was never a definite thing, but you were confident in the hard work you had put into your job and knew you were a top contender for the spot. You worked longer hours, took on extra tasks, you even worked on the occasional weekend to get your work done. Taking every precaution necessary to prove that you were the best fit for the role.

Everything felt like it was lining up for you. Co-workers were giving you a pat on the back for your work accomplishments, your boss was taking note of everything you were doing, and you overall felt really good about where you stood for the potential position. So imagine your surprise when you attended the big luncheon and your boss announced his undeserving son was getting the spot instead of you.

It was both nepotism and misogyny rolled into one and it made your stomach turn the longer you had thought about it. None of it made any sense and it was far from fair. You knew you were the one more deserving of the position, the whole office knew it. Even your damn boss knew but he chose his damn son over you and it felt like a stab right to your gut.

You felt so betrayed and beside yourself as you finally decided to head home. Tears streamed down your cheeks while you tried to focus on the road but you just couldn’t ignore the facts. How were you going to be able to show up and take orders now from your boss’ son? You knew the job more than he did and it felt like a huge screw you.

On your drive home, you tried to make yourself feel better by putting on some music to distract yourself but nothing helped. You felt beyond defeated and frustrated right now you didn’t know what was going to make you feel better at the moment. It felt like the world was against you. Between finding Justin with another woman and your job, you were really batting one thousand lately and you weren’t sure when you would catch a break.

Things were not going how you planned at all. The thought of just quitting your job and starting all over again crossed your mind but the fear of the unknown kept haunting you. You didn’t know which direction to go in or who to turn to for advice anymore. You were slowly drowning and you needed someone to throw you a goddamn life jacket already.

You were relieved to finally be home. Maybe some peace and quiet would make you feel a little better, you thought to yourself while you kicked your shoes off and turned some music on for yourself. Trying to put the day behind you and focus on the present moment while you got changed into more comfortable clothes to unwind.

You jumped out of your skin when you heard a knock at your door, not expecting anybody to come by right now. Pulling your hair up into a bun, you headed back towards the door and looked through the peephole. To your surprise, you weren’t really surprised at all. You were actually sort of relieved when you opened the door and saw Tom standing there holding a pizza box.

“That better have extra cheese,” you asked with a narrowed expression while you invited him inside with the pizza that he would always bring you even in normal times. 

Placing the box on the kitchen table, Tom opened it with a grin as he showed you the pizza pie with cheese practically oozing from the crusts, “Figured it was an extra toppings sort of day,” he admitted, knowing he really needed the escape from reality. Even if it was just a pizza.

“Tell me about it,” you sighed as you grabbed a piece closest to you as Tom handed you a paper plate. You headed over towards your refrigerator to grab you both a few beers while Tom leaned up against your kitchen counter as he devoured his slice, “I’m guessing you had a bad day judging by your pizza presentation?” knowing there wasn’t really any particular reason he’d be coming over with it today. Unless if he wanted something?

You slowed your pace back from the fridge wondering if he was going to pick up on how you were feeling. You weren’t entirely sure if you wanted him to notice. Whenever you and Tom had a pizza night it was merely to gossip about your lunatic neighbors or watch a game together. You talked about casual things but never really gone into depth or prying into each other’s lives. Why did it feel like suddenly you wanted something different? Would sex change that much in your friendship?

“We can just ignore that...we don’t have to talk about unimportant stuff,” you waved it off. Tom didn’t need to hear about your miserable day. And you didn’t want to pry into his. 

He swallowed the last bite of his slice, “If something makes you upset, it’s not unimportant,” he noted. But when he noticed you just looking at him, he raised his hands in surrender. “Ignore my philosophical ass. But I’d like to hear about your day, you know,” he laughed it off. 

What the hell was he doing? He thought to himself. Don’t let personal shit ruin this. Enjoy her company. That’s it. 

“I didn’t get the promotion,” you told him. You had mentioned to Tom a while ago that your boss was hinting at it but you never went into detail with him about it. You weren’t used to Tom actually wanting to be open or the other way around. And you’d be lying if you said you weren’t slightly surprised Tom even gave a crap about stuff like this. 

Tom frowned at your answer and he felt his heart sink a bit when you told him the truth about your bad day. He didn’t know much about your job but he was sure you were a hard worker. He saw how much you loved your job and how passionate you were about it when it would come up. You would share upcoming projects with him from time to time and he would see the look on your face whenever you explained them to him. So hearing that you were passed by for a promotion was upsetting to him.

“I...shit, Y/N,” he put his pizza down as he walked over towards to give you a hug. Sliding his hands around your waist he pulled you into him as he felt you relax against his chest, “You didn’t deserve that,” he added softly.

You allowed Tom to embrace you, his warmness comforting you a bit before you pulled away and started crying when telling him about your boss’ son getting the job instead of you. Making you laugh by calling him every name in the book, you and Tom finally found a common ground as you kept venting to him.

Tom pulled away slowly, his hand resting at your chin while he licked his lips, “You’re boss sounds like a fucking prick, I hope you know that,” he told you reassuringly. The small smile you formed when he spoke made him want to keep making you feel better, “I’m glad you’re smiling,” he blushed at his confession.

Stretching your mouth wider, you flashed Tom a playful yet overly wide grin to deflect the attention he gave to you. The two of you laughed as Tom pulled away with a loud chuckle, shaking his head at your sudden silliness, “That has to be the most hideous smile. But we’ll work on it,” he told you through his laughter.

You rolled your eyes before going back to your pizza, giving Tom a look as you nudged him, “Not gonna tell me about what happened to you?” you finally asked.

Tom tensed as he tried to brush it off with a simple shrug into his pizza. The thought of his mother’s texts and ridiculous apologies and excuses continued to drive him crazy as he mumbled into his bite, “It’s stupid shit,” he told you as he swallowed the crust he was chewing, “Mom stuff, not important,” he added bluntly.

You could see the look on his face and could tell it was important to him but you didn’t want to force him to talk about it. Tom was never one to bring up his family ever to you and that was the first time you had ever heard him even mention his mother. He never spoke of his father, at least to you, so you just assumed both were out of his life for whatever reason and it was none of your business to ask.

 And Tom refused to admit it but he wanted you to ask about him. Spending hours upon hours at bars, turning his focus always onto the girl; because he knew no girl would ever want to go home with a self righteous, egotistical guy. It was never something Tom minded to do, especially with complete strangers who he would never open up to in a million years. It might have been the recent development he had with you but there was something refreshing he felt around you and as much as it freaked him out, he didn’t seem to mind.

But diving into his mommy issues with you now seemed too much to deal with right now. You were dealing with more than enough problems with your job and your miserable ex-boyfriend, he figured you didn’t need to hear his bitching right now anyway. He came here to get away from those shitty thoughts, not open those wounds further. 

Tom came here for a distraction.

Licking his lips, Tom perked up as he looked at you fervidly, “Wanna have sex?” he asked matter of factly. He figured he didn’t need to beat around the bush since you had your arrangement but maybe he was a bit too direct with his request. Tom cleared his throat as he tried to save the night, “I-I mean, I just figured since we both had shitty days that maybe we could uhm-”

“Thought you’d never ask,” you cut him off with a smirk and you perked up as well, nodding as you smoothed out your hair. Standing back up as you turned your back towards him, removing your shirt in the process, “Let’s go,” you called over your shoulder as you headed towards your room.

“Oh, we’re jumping right in,” Tom mumbled to himself as he practically fell off his chair to follow you into your room, tossing his shirt beside yours as he practically froze already seeing you completely undressed, “Christ…” he breathed out while taking you in. 

You rolled your eyes as you walked over to him, bringing your lips to his now bare shoulder, “You’re really acting like you haven’t seen me like this the other day?” You laughed against his skin while you began to suck a bruise against him, hearing him let out a gasp while your hand snaked into his pants sneakily, “Beginning to really like this whole friends with benefits thing we have,” you laughed as you found Tom’s lips.

Practically growling into your kiss, Tom lifted you up and lowered you onto your back on your bed. His lips traveled from yours, to your stomach, dipping his tongue into your belly button as you moaned quietly before he brought himself down between your thighs. His lips peppering your inner thigh before he got straight to the point because this whole arrangement meant no foreplay. Another plus for Tom.

“Darling, I think you may be the best friend I’ve ever had,” Tom breathed out a laugh as he pressed his tongue flatly against your clit. Sliding two of his fingers into your core while he slowly pumped in and out of you, “This is what got me through my day today,” he told you before he brought his mouth back to your core.

You arched your back while your fingers went towards Tom’s curls. His name began to fall from your lips while he lapped his tongue carefully, letting it slip inside of you as he continued to tease you with his mouth. His fingers sliding into you again, adding a third as he moaned against your center; allowing the vibrations to roll throughout your entire body.

“Mmm, oh, fuck...!” you cried out, yanking gently against Tom’s hair as you felt the coil beginning to burn from inside of you. Biting your lip to stifle another moan, “Fuck...yo-you’re really good at that,” you breathed out with a small laugh which turned into a whimper.

With his head peering up at you, Tom flashed you a cocky smile with a playful wink as he licked your folds teasingly, “Did you seriously doubt my abilities to make you cum with my mouth, Y/N?” he raised his eyebrow while pumping his fingers now tantalizingly slow, “You’re gonna pay for that comment,” he said to you.

“Just...shut up and make me cum, Tom,” you told him through another gasp as you felt his teeth drag teasingly against your already throbbing bud. His lips wrapped around it as he sucked more harshly, doing exactly as you had asked him to do, “Ungh...oh god, okay. Yeah, keep doing that,” you instructed as you began to grind your hips against his mouth.

Tom took it as a challenge and picked up his pace, beginning to flick your clit faster while he continuously sucked on it. His three fingers now entirely coated in your warmth as he felt you clenching around them. His pants feeling tighter from his hard on while he knelt at the end of your bed trying to bring you to where he wanted.

His free hand splayed against your stomach, holding you in place while he felt you trying to squirm around from the way he was making you feel. Rubbing your clit in between his breaths, Tom looked up at you as he licked a solid stripe down your center, “Let out how you’re feeling from today and cum for me, Y/N,” Tom commanded. 

Your eyes shut as you did exactly what Tom had suggested. Completely coming undone from beneath him while you released as much of the tension from earlier as you possibly could but in the most amazing way. Your eyes rolled back into your head while your back arched as Tom’s tongue continued to work you up while you were at your highest point.

Letting out a breathy laugh as you started to come down from it, feeling Tom begin to kiss his way back up your stomach with a smug look, “Don’t give me that look,” you rolled your eyes at his cockiness as his tongue traced along your neck, “I could do what you just did to myself, you know,” you tried to knock him off his high horse a bit while he pretended to be wounded from your words.

“Ah, but you didn’t. Did you?” Tom reminded you as his lips found yours. His hands still in between your thighs as he brought them between you both, showing you his coated fingers while he tasted you off of them, “Tastes like I made you cum because you wanted me to,” his smugness only elevated as he pushed himself off of you as he laid on his back on your bed.

“Need I remind you that you came to my place like a porno with a pizza looking to get laid,” you retaliated as you shifted so you were now hovering over him. Your hands guiding towards his belt buckle to get him out of his restraintive pants. The pleading look on his face made you just as smug, “Sounds like you want me to do just about the same thing, am I right or am I right?” you sang in his ear.

Tom helped you get the rest of his pants and boxers off, feeling himself spring out as he stared back at you with uncertainty, “Did you...just call me a porn star?” he questioned as the two of you let out a laugh.

“You wish, Tommy,” you teased as you ran your tongue down his abs, placing small and open kisses against his stomach as you made your way down to his legs while your hand carefully gripped his hardened length, your thumb running the pre-cum around his tip while you already heard him gasping for you.

Gripping your bedsheets with one hand, Tom reached around to create a makeshift ponytail to hold your hair. Cussing under his breath as he watched your mouth wrap around his tip, swirling your tongue around it while your eyes searched for his. He was really trying to hold it together but you were already driving him crazy.

“Let’s see what you got, Y/N,” Tom challenged you with a heavy breath as he tightened his grip around your hair, “Sometimes, girls think they know exactly what to do but-OH FUCK!” 

His words were lost as soon as your mouth went straight down to his base. Suctioning as hard as you could before coming back up his cock painfully slow. Moaning your name as his chest began to heave, Tom felt his thighs start to quiver from under you. Even just watching the way you were working on him was enough to make him whimper right now.

“Fuck...okay, yeah I take that back,” Tom gasped as his nose crinkled up while his other hand white knuckled the sheets, “God, your mouth is fucking perfect. Why haven’t we done any of this shit before?” he was in such a fucked out haze, he wasn’t even sure if anything he was saying made any sense at all. But he felt his stress from earlier going away finally. Even if this was just a short state of bliss, he was grateful for it anyway.

“You really want me to answer that or would you just prefer me to keep sucking your dick?” you sassed while you kitten licked his tip. You watched from the end of the bed as Tom bucked his hips into your mouth to try and get more contact from your lips but you pulled away from him and just kept licking his tip.

God, you were good, Tom thought to himself.

‘K-keep going,” Tom finally breathed out, flinging his head against the pillow to brace for the impact.

Hollowing your cheeks, you pushed yourself all the way down his cock. Your tongue flicking the base in between as you began to feel him throb inside of your mouth. You could tell he was close so you moaned softly into his cock, watching as Tom shuddered from the sensation you just sent through him.

“Fuck, fuck, fuck,” Tom cried out, moaning your name as he rutted his hips into your mouth. His pupils blacked as he felt the heat rising in his body, “Shit...I’m gonna cum, Y/N,” he warned as you pulled away, running your hand down his shaft as he began to come undone for you.

His warmth spilled out into your hand and down his cock while he let go finally. The stress somewhat leaving his body as it did yours while the euphoric high peaked for him. Your lips crashed against his while his tongue parted your lips to find yours, tangling them together as he moaned against your mouth while riding out his high finally.

You waited for Tom to catch his breath before you smiled against his lips, placing a small peck against them as you pulled away with an even bigger grin, “Yeah, you’re welcome,” you gave him the same arrogant tone he gave to you moments earlier before you pecked his lips again.

After taking some time to get yourselves together mixed with the continuous fooling around underneath the sheets, you and Tom finally decided to get up and end the night. Even though he didn’t want to leave, he knew he probably shouldn’t overstay. Primarily, Tom was adamant about never spending the night at a girl’s place that he slept with. That made things complicated and he didn’t want complicated. But since you and him had rules to not make things messy, he wasn’t sure if that applied to you. For now, he wanted to play it safe so he got himself dressed again.

You pulled on an oversized t-shirt, realizing both of your hair looked a mess. Luckily you were already home and Tom was down the hall so it didn’t really matter. You wanted to say something to Tom, that you were thankful he came by tonight. You were thankful even before sex was on the table. It felt nice to have him as an ally to swing by with a pizza when he didn’t even know you needed that.

“...is it weird to say I’m glad you came by?” you gestured towards your bedroom while you walked with him out into the kitchen where the half eaten pizza was left, “I know we haven’t really made too many rules about it but…” you trailed off with a nervous laugh as you smiled at him awkwardly.

“Like we said, zero weirdness,” Tom reminded you as he padded his way over to you. He grabbed a leftover crust from the box and shoved it in his mouth, clearly starving already from the workout you had just given him. He smiled while he chewed lazily, his mouth still filled with pizza crumbs, “But I’m happy to come by when we have shit days...and make you cum as well,” he smirked deviously. 

The door opened as you smiled back, “Doesn’t have to be just bad days, you know. We could...screw whenever we feel like it,” you told him, hoping that it wasn’t too much.

“Did you just say screw?” he whipped his head towards you with a loud laugh.

“Alright then, I guess I’ll just leave you to the girls who leave you unsatisfied then,” you fought back.

Tom leaned against the door with his mouth gaped open, “They do not...leave me...unsatisfied?” he questioned himself, knowing that that was true, whether he wanted to admit it or not.

“Then why are you here?” you placed a hand on your hip, feeling the smile pulling at your lips while you messed around with him. You certainly weren’t in this mood earlier before Tom came around.

Pressing his lips together, Tom rolled his eye at you, “Fine...we can screw...whenever,” he leaned in closer to you with his eyes big as he mimicked your voice when you said it, “As long as we keep this thing strictly what we intended, you can use me whenever you need, Y/N,” and he meant it.

You didn’t back away when he sealed his words with a soft kiss, paired with his trademark grin. Tom pulled away slowly, taking in the moment as he wished you a goodnight quietly before kissing you against the cheek, “Like I said, best friend I ever had,” he said softly once again.

“Am I interrupting something?” A voice broke from behind the two of you. Both of your eyes widened towards each other as you both simultaneously pivoted your heads towards the staircase where the voice was coming from.

Tom closed his eyes with a groan, pinching the bridge of his nose as he tried to ignore Harrison staring at the two of you with a crooked grin. Making it known to Tom that explaining this was going to be a lot tougher than he had imagined.

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[nervousmendes]

Unsent Part 1 - Shawn Mendes

shawn x reader

a/n : so I'm finally back afer a really long break and I've been so excited to edit and post this one. I should also mention that is my first time writing angst so please be kind. any feedback would be much appreciated!

warnings : none, just 1.5k words of amateur angst and heartbreak

find more of my work : masterlist

It was a pleasant Saturday, the sun was long gone and the moonlight that spilled through the window was just enough to relax you while you worked on your research paper. Doing a PhD was never easy, and now that classes were going on in full swing, you were almost convinced that it was impossible. Your days mostly just consisted of you going to classes, working on essays, trips to the library and maybe watch a little Netflix before you hit the sack. It was a routine now, and you were always used to this life. You found your calm in the chaos whenever you could talk to your boyfriend who was touring somewhere in some city across the ocean. With your time zones never matching and him constantly traveling it was impossible to keep up with his schedule but you both did your best to stay as connected as possible.

When tour first kicked off, you missed Shawn so much. You hated the distance and you spent hours on end talking to him on facetime, blowing kisses and whining about wanting "virtual cuddles". It was a nightly ritual for the two of you to facetime immediately after his show, and since he was still in America at the time, it was easier to find a way to talk when you were both free. Even when you'd be too busy looking into your laptop screen while he was performing for thousands of excited teenagers every other night, there was some kind of warmth, some affirmation, that at the end of the day it was always going to be the two of you together until forever. Even though the physical distance made you sad, your relationship with him never seemed to burn out. Your love for each other was always so strong that the thought of being apart from each other never threatened your relationship.

But things shifted with time and the routine facetime calls went from after every show to every alternate show and then to every few days. You'd only text each other once or twice a day and it always felt like it was just for the sake of it. Sometimes you would go about your entire day and only realize before going to bed that you hadn't thought of him or spoken to him once throughout. You now knew more about him through his Instagram stories than you did from what he told you about tour. The quick ‘I love you’s exchanged before hanging up felt more mechanical than natural. Of course it hurt you, it made you feel guilty and made your heart ache at the same time, but you knew deep down that he was feeling that way too. It's not like he remembered to text you every single day either. It now turned into a subconscious competition of who would start the conversation first. Every text was thought out, typed, backspaced and rephrased. It felt like you didn't know each other as well as you once did. You would overthink not knowing whether a read receipt would do or a reply would be more reassuring. Everything seemed different, and not at all in a good way. As much as you hated to even think of it, a part of you felt that maybe you didn't love him anymore but your heart would never let you admit that.

You often went to bed not feeling sleepy at all, replaying all the memories from the initial stages of your relationship. The giddy first date, the awkward first kiss, the butterflies, the cheesy gifts and all the sneaking around. It felt like you were both different people back then. And maybe you just grew up or grew out of it, but does real love ever fade away? Does it suddenly empty itself and leave a void in your heart? How does it just make everything go away? You always thought, no you knew that he was the one. You still remember eighteen months ago at the fair, when he went down on one knee holding a huge stick of cotton candy in his hand, asking you to be "his honorable girlfriend until the end of time" and promised to never break your heart, you kissed him with everything in you right outside the Ferris wheel knowing in your heart that you already kind of wanted this forever. He had always been the one.

You both appreciated the little things, it was kind of what built your relationship with him. The reassuring glances from across a crowded room that made you uncomfortable, the hand around your waist when a distant friend would be “too nice” to you or the way his fingers played with your hair after a long, disheartening day were some of the many things you loved about your relationship with him. You always felt the need to be physically connected to him and it was almost common knowledge that Shawn's love language too was touch. You desperately missed the way his hand would automatically lace with yours while you walked together and the warmth it spread in you when his hands would go to the back of your neck to leave a tender kiss to your lips. And when one of you had a rough day, the other would kiss the stray tears away and you would both hold each other so tight until your ragged breaths would slow down and your hearts would beat to the rhythm of each other's pulse. All of that now felt like a distant memory, it was like you had him and lost him at the same time. Everything you once had with each other slipped right through your fingers. You would kill to go back in time and figure out anything you could've done differently to give this all a miss because the thought of even having to talk about the collected weight on both of your chests physically pained you. What if this was over? And even if it's not, what if there's nothing left to give? How were you going to go on knowing he's not yours anymore? While you learnt to live a life without him, you never once forgot that he would come right back to you. And now maybe he won’t and there’s nothing you could do about it. So many questions and so many thoughts ran through your head as you were still staring at the text you received about five minutes ago.

Hey I landed sometime back. On my way to Pickering. See u tomorrow?             - Shawn

No “babe”. No “honey”. Nothing about the movies he watched on the flight, or the occasional "Omg we're SO watching it together". It was a plain text just to keep you informed. Mechanical. You thought back to the last time he came home from tour, when he first showed up at your door and pushed for you to come spend the weekend with him and his family in Pickering. Gone were those days when he'd ring you up as soon as he had service on his phone again to tell you how tiring the flight was or how much he hated the food, and on hearing that you would order his favourite pizza before he got home. You read and re-read the insipid words on your screen and after a lot of thinking, with a doubtful mind, you typed out a simple response. 

Yes. Hope your flight was okay, get some rest tonight!

After humming and hawing for long enough, you hit send and patiently waited for the thumbs up he left under your text as an instant response. His lack of interest in continuing the conversation did sting, but you quickly pushed it away considering the fact that you were going to meet him the very next day and he’d clearly already had a tiring flight back to Toronto. You shifted around, pulling your blanket closer up to your face and just as you turned away and closed your eyes, the screen of your phone lit up again.

We need to talk, don't we... - Shawn

Shawn sat in his car parked outside his childhood home, right leg bouncing unconsciously and staring intently at the text he had just sent. He patiently waited for it to go from 'delivered' to 'read'. But it didn't. His bouncing leg was now shivering and the words he regretted typing out were staring right back at him. His fingers trembled over the screen, and with a shaky breath he unsent the message without giving it another thought. He took his bags and walked up to Karen and Manny at the door smiling widely as he silently thanked technology for saving him. But little did he know that your eyes were on the screen of your phone as you read those nauseating words under his contact name, and then watched the pop up disappear a minute after.

┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈

I'm already working on part 2 and I can't wait to post it soon!! hope you liked this <3

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[firebrands]

one day like this (steve/tony, fake dating)

Steve Rogers/Tony Stark, T, fake dating, no powers AU, 4k words | also on ao3

Marvel bingo card fill for "fake dating" and also to a prompt Ferret left on the MCU discord: "fake dating au where the one who asks does it *expressly* because they have a huge crush and they want to show the other person how awesome it'd be to date them. Instead of being sad and pining the whole time, they spend the fake dating period (wedding or whatever) doing their damnest to get a real date out of it. Works either if the datee had never thought about them being more than friends until the fake date, or if they have been the one secretly pining, and the more the asker piles on the charm, the more depressed they get. Asker pov."

For @festiveferret who gave this prompt, and @omg-just-peachy and @valhqlla who wanted fake dating when I posted my bingo card!

***

The group chat is busy tonight, Tony notes with a wry grin. For some reason, everyone’s looking for ways to procrastinate, and the messages started flooding in as soon as Clint sent a video of a small dog falling down a few stairs. “Me, thinking i’m done with work,” he said.

Nat floods the chat with various stickers of cartoon characters in distress, Sam complains about the modules he has to go through, Bruce chimes in about the conference he doesn't want to attend, and then finally, Steve jumps in. 

ughhhh i want to get dinner but i don't have time i miss u all, he texts.

Tony’s eyebrows raise at the opportunity that has presented itself so neatly.

He taps on Steve’s name to send a message privately. 

Hey, wanna work together tonight? Gotta crunch some numbers and I’d appreciate the company

Steve responds quickly: Pick me up from my office and it's a deal

Tony smirks. This was almost too easy. I’ll sweeten the pot and buy you dinner, he texts.

He sets his phone aside and begins to pack up his things. His phone pings with Steve’s reply. 

If ur feeling generous then why don't we invite clint and sam

Tony groans. It was too easy, then. He bites his lip, and types out his response. He stares at the message for a second, takes a deep breath, then presses send.

Nah, just wanna be with you

He follows it up when he sees that Steve has read the message. Be there in 20 mins

**

Steve slides into the passenger seat, and Tony’s heart flutters when he Steve turns to him with a smile.

“It’s been a while,” he says.

“Yeah,” Tony says, trying his best not to sound too dreamy. “Two weeks, right?”

“Has it already been that long?” Steve buckles his seatbelt. “I’ve been really busy with work.”

��Me too,” Tony begins to drive, then realizes he doesn’t have a destination in mind. “Where do you wanna go?”

Steve shrugs. “Anywhere with a charging port?”

“How about that place with the ice cream you liked?” Tony hedges.

“Oh god, yes please,” Steve groans, “What’s it called again? I never got to go back because I forgot the name.”

“You would.”

Steve scoffs. Tony has never wanted to lean over and kiss him more, but he doesn’t. Not yet.

**

“So you remember Pepper, my friend?” Tony asks after polishes off the pasta from his plate. 

“Yeah, ‘course I remember Pepper,” Steve says, eyes still on his food, then he looks up as he takes the last bite of his burger. “Why?”

“Well, she’s getting married next month and well,” Tony starts, waving his hand around breezily. “She reserved two seats for me because she thought—well. Anyway. She reserved two seats for me and I really don’t want to tell her to cut it down to one, because I’m sure she’s already finalized her table arrangements and I don’t want to bother her with—so, the point is,” Tony exhales quickly, and flashes Steve his most charming smile. “Do you want to come with me?”

“What, like your date?” Steve asks, frowning as he wipes his hands on a napkin.

“Yeah, exactly like that.”

“Me?” Steve asks.

“Yeah, you.” Tony furrows his brow when he notices Steve is slowly, methodically, tearing his napkin to shreds. “Who else am I talking to?”

“Why me?” Steve asks, looking a bit helpless.

“Why not?” Tony asks, nonplussed.

“That’s not a fair response, Tony,” Steve chides.

“Do you not want to go?” Tony licks his lips nervously. “It’s okay, I can ask someone else, or something, it’s fine”

Steve opens his mouth to respond, but snaps it shut when a waitress arrives with his dessert. The silence stretches on and Steve shoves a spoonful of ice cream into his mouth.

Tony balls his hand into a fist to stop himself from wiping at the small smear on the side of Steve’s lip, and digs his fingernails even deeper into his palm as he watches Steve’s tongue poke out of his mouth to lick it off.

“I just…” Steve pauses, then tries to nonchalantly hide all of his ripped up tissues under a napkin. “I don’t know, you don’t think it’s gonna be weird?”

“Why would it be weird? I’m a swell date.” Tony gestures to their empty plates, the ice cream melting in Steve’s cup. “See? I treat you right.”

Steve frowns again. “This is a date?”

“It’s whatever you want it to be, babe,” Tony winks. He’s laying it on pretty thick, sure, but that just means he can brush it off as a joke if Steve gets pissed. God, he hopes Steve doesn’t get pissed. 

“Tony, you’re scaring me. You have that face on,” Steve says hesitantly.

“What face?” Tony snaps out of his thoughts, smiles his most captivating smile. “My face is fine.”

“Your weird… pinched in face.” Steve waves around a spoon as if wiping his words away. “Nevermind.”

“So?” Tony wiggles his eyebrows suggestively. “Date me?”

Steve laughs, and Tony almost doubles over in relief. 

“Fine.”

“Fine? God, I was hoping for some excitement! We get to dress up, eat great food—Pep’s got great taste in food, let me tell you—and you get the best date this side of the Hudson.”

Steve rolls his eyes affectionately. “You forget that I only have one suit, so you’ll have to deal with my award outfit.”

Tony throws his head back and groans with exasperation. “That thing? Does not highlight your assets.” Tony looks back and gazes at Steve appraisingly. “I’m thinking… blue.”

Steve’s eyebrow is quirked up, unimpressed.

“Because of your eyes,” Tony says, gesturing to Steve’s face. 

“Groundbreaking,” Steve deadpans.

“Hey, I’m not the artist here, you are. All I'm saying is that now that you’re my date it’s only right that you dress the part. And I'd be remiss if I didn't help style my date, right?”

Steve rolls his eyes again, shakes his head as he bites down a smile. “Is it too late to take it back?”

“Of course it is.” 

“Should’ve known you had an ulterior motive for asking me to work together,” Steve sighs dramatically.

Tony pouts. “I thought you said you missed me.”

“I did,” Steve agrees, smiling as he eats another spoonful of ice cream. “And now, somehow, I’m your date to Pepper’s wedding.”

“I know!” Tony grins giddily. “Aren’t you excited? I’m excited.”

“Of course you are,” Steve laughs. “Are we going to make up a story about how I ended up your date?”

“Do you want to? I thought that would be too much.”

Steve looks up from his ice cream. “Too much?” He asks, “so you know the meaning, then?”

“Ass.”

Steve grins devilishly. 

“I was thinking of just saying, you know. We kinda finally realized we’d be good together,” Tony says, and he’s being so honest that it hurts a little.

Steve’s grin falters for a second and Tony worries if he’s said something wrong, but Steve laughs it off. “That’s boring. We could come up with something about how we started dating, it’d be funny, right?”

“Yeah,” Tony says, smiling tightly. “Funny.”

They smile at each other for a second and Tony wishes he could just come out and ask Steve what he was thinking, but things don’t work that way. 

“How about,” Steve starts, tapping his nose as he thinks. It’s an adorable tic, and Tony relaxes a little has he takes in how Steve looks in the soft yellow light of the cafe.

“I have an idea!” Tony says, all of the sudden. “Let’s just keep making things up. Keep each other on our toes.”

Steve laughs. “That sounds so dumb,” he says. “Let’s do it.”

**

Steve’s jaw literally drops when he turns to look at himself in the mirror.

Tony, standing behind him, is looking equally guppy-faced in the mirror.

“Steve,” Tony says reverently, letting his eyes sweep over Steve’s new blue velvet jacket and black pants. “You look amazing.”

Steve lets out a shocked huff of laughter. “Yeah, I do, don’t I,” he says.

Tony gently lays his hand on the small of Steve’s back, taking the opportunity to look at him closer, then from different angles.

“You have outdone yourself, Luis,” Tony says to his tailor, who puffs his chest up in pride. 

“Of course I did, Tony. Can’t have you going on a date with someone who isn’t dressed equally sharp, huh?” Luis winks

Tony chuckles, then turns to Steve. “You like it, right?”

“I do,” Steve says, still looking at himself in the reflection. “Not so sure about my bank account liking it though.”

“I told you, I got this,” Tony says, patting Steve’s shoulder.

“I really can’t accept—I have the money, Tony.”

“I know. I didn’t say you didn’t. What I am saying is that this is part of the dating Tony experience. Wining, dining, suiting….” Tony pauses, then winks at Steve when he adds, “un-suiting.”

Steve giggles. “You’re wild.”

“Absolutely feral, my dear,” Tony says. He stops himself just in time from pressing a kiss to Steve’s cheek. 

Luis tells them that he’ll finish up the stitching and have it sent over to Tony’s apartment when it’s done.

“Why not to mine?” Steve asks.

“Because we’ll be coming from my place?”

Steve is quiet for a moment before he asks, “Why?”

“Because we’ll take my car…?” Tony bites his lip.

“Wait. Where is the wedding?”

Tony balks. “Hudson Valley?”

“What?!” Steve screeches.

“I thought I told you—” Tony starts, hands raised in a placating motion. 

“You did not,” Steve begins to fret, wringing his hands as he does. “All you said was a wedding next month, oh my god. I need to file a leave.”

“Sure, yeah,” Tony nods. “It’s on a Saturday though, and we have a room booked just for Saturday night.”

Steve relaxes, and the jacket highlighting how broad his shoulders are. The suit really does accentuate all of his best features. Which, Tony thinks, is all of them, but that’s neither here nor there right now.

“Oh.” Steve says. “What else do I need to know?”

Tony laughs. “I don’t know. I’ll look for the invitation and send you a picture. But it’s—whatever, I got you, okay? Don’t worry about it.”

Steve gives Tony a disapproving look and sets his arms akimbo. “When it’s you, Tony, I always worry.”

“That hurts,” Tony pouts and clutches his chest. “That’s hurtful.” 

“I’m only saying it because you haven’t proven me wrong,” Steve says with a smirk, and god, it takes every ounce of self-control for Tony not to get on his knees in front of Steve, standing like that and looking god-like. He always was weak for a big man in a suit.

“Fair,” Tony says, instead, and turns to leave so Steve can get undressed.

**

Tony adjusts his tie in the mirror and behind him, Steve is bent over tying his shoelaces. Tony spends a few more moments preening, and stops only when he sees in the reflection that Steve is fumbling with his cuffs.

“Let me,” Tony says, closing the short distance between them and batting away Steve’s hand as he deftly inserts the cufflink and locks it. He gestures for Steve’s other wrist, and Tony can feel Steve gaze on his hand as he tightens the cuff. “There,” Tony says, softly. “Need help with your bow tie?”

Steve’s frown deepens. “Is it that obvious?”

Tony smiles fondly at him. “No, but I’ve never seen you in a bow tie, either.”

Steve lifts his chin obediently as Tony takes the two ends of the bow tie in his hands. This close, he can see how clean Steve’s shave is, can see how his adam’s apple bobs as he swallows.

“You okay?”

“Fine,” Steve says a bit breathlessly.

Tony looks up at Steve questioningly, and bites back a smile when he sees the blush on Steve’s cheeks. He never figured Steve to be the one to blush when embarrassed.

This close, it would be so easy to pull Steve in, close the gap between them. But he holds off; they still have a whole evening together and a shared bed to boot. (Pepper had taken him seriously when Tony said he had a date, and she didn’t know how much she was helping Tony’s cause when she got them a room with queen-sized bed. Steve had laughed when he’d seen it, and made an offhand comment about how it was all par for the course, being Tony’s date and all.)

“All done,” Tony says, smoothing down the lapels of Steve’s jacket and giving him a once over. “You look devastatingly handsome.”

Steve’s cheeks brighten even more. “Thanks, Tony,” he says bashfully. “You look great, too,” he adds, after a moment.

Tony beams. “All for you, Steve,” he says, and he means it.

**

Tony spends most of the beginning of the reception program sneaking glances at Steve, startling only when he and Steve’s eyes meet as he was furtively checking him out again.

“This is fun, right?” Tony recovers quickly. 

“Super!” Steve says brightly. 

Tony only stops looking at Steve when Pepper finally makes her way to them, changed out of her wedding dress into an equally beautiful but much more sensible white gown. 

“God, Pep, if I knew you cleaned up this well I would’ve just married you myself,” Tony says, standing to press a kiss to Pepper’s cheek. “Congratulations, by the way,” he adds, then pulls her into a tight hug.

“I know,” Pepper says, pulling away and adjusting Tony’s pocket square. “That’s why I never cleaned up for you,” she teases.

Tony pouts, then remembers Steve when Pepper raises her eyebrows and looks at Steve pointedly.

“This is Steve!” Tony says, taking Steve by the arm and pulling him close. “He’s my date.”

“Congratulations!” Steve says, before kissing Pepper on the cheek.

“Thank you! I’m so glad to finally meet you,” Pepper says. “I have heard so much about you.”

Steve blushes, and Tony has to give him points; blushing on purpose was a skill even he hadn’t mastered. The ‘aw shucks,’ look sells it even more.

“Really?” He says, sounding strangely disbelieving, as if he’d never thought Tony would talk about him, which is dumb, in Tony’s opinion. “I’ve heard a lot about you, too,” Steve adds quickly.

“Good,” Pepper says loftily. 

Steve laughs.

“When did you start dating?”

Tony opens his mouth to respond but Steve is quicker: “Oh a few months ago. Tony took me out to dinner and held my hand as he walked me home.”

“He walked?” Pepper says, skeptical.

“I know.” Steve says, turning to smile at Tony fondly. He was really, really selling this in-love shtick, and Tony feels hope swell traitorously in his sternum. “That’s how I knew he was serious about me,” Steve says fondly, and then, in an inspired move, he takes Tony’s hand in his.

Tony is going to buy him a cake, after all this. That is, if he doesn’t get Steve to go out with him on an actual date. But those plans are for later.

“I hate you both and I regret this already,” Tony says faux haughtily, but keeps Steve’s hand in his.

**

“We were in a mountain climbing group and we shared a tent together,” Steve says to Pepper’s cousin.

“We fought over the last bagel in the cafe,” Tony tells Pepper’s other cousin.

“I bumped his car while I was backing out of a gas station.”

“I bought him sunflowers and it turns out he was allergic to them.”

"We were in the library and we were looking for the same book."

“Oh, Steve was Creative Director for the agency that did one of our campaigns,” Tony says to Nick, Pepper’s boss. “He was really brilliant, he had such great ideas, and I really liked working with him. So one day I asked him out to coffee.”

“Wouldn’t that be a conflict of interest?” Nick asks. “Since you were paying him?”

“By then the campaign was done and Steve wasn’t part of meetings anymore,” Tony says airily. “You really should see his work, Nick. He’s an amazing artist.”

Steve and Nick exchange numbers, and Steve steers Tony to the refreshment table by his elbow.

“You sounded really convincing,” Steve says, surprised. “I didn’t know you knew that much about my work.”

Tony shrugs and picks up an hors d'oeuvres. He scrutinizes the oyster so he doesn’t have to look at Steve when he says, “I pay attention, Steve.”

Steve pops a canapé into his mouth and then downs a glass of champagne. “That’s nice!” he says, and then wanders further down the table to eat more food.

**

Steve looks up at the speakers when a song begins to play. A soft smile blooms on his face and he says, “I love this song.”

“Dance with me, then,” Tony says, offering Steve his hand. He half expects Steve to decline, and feels his heart begin to sink when Steve merely looks at Tony’s hand.

The party is going through a slowdown, the DJ playing sweet, old people music. Of course this is the kind of music that Steve wants to dance to. If he does want to, that is. Tony’s about to laugh off his offer to save face when Steve takes his hand.

They join the few older guests on the dance floor and fumble a little to see who’ll lead. Of course, Tony wins, and he settles his hand into the curve of Steve’s spine, takes Steve’s hand in his. They sway slowly to the music, and Tony lets his eyes drift shut, enjoying Steve’s presence, the easy movements of the dance, being able to breathe the same are as him.

The song ends, and Tony blinks when he sees the small frown on Steve’s lips.

“You all right?” he asks, as they walk back to their seats.

Steve startles at the question. “Yeah,” he says, nodding effusively. “I guess champagne makes me a bit maudlin,” he adds, with a self-deprecating laugh.

“What’s there to be maudlin about?”

“Nothing,” Steve says blithely. “It’s nothing.”

Tony frowns. “We can skip out early if you want, okay?” 

“No, no,” Steve says. “Let’s stay. This is fun.”

“You just said you were getting maudlin.”

“So I’ll switch to whiskey,” Steve says easily. 

“Okay, if you say so.”

“Free drinks!” Steve stands up and buttons his jacket. He turns to Tony with a smile. “Celebrating love! Come on, let’s get drinks.”

“Okay, okay,” Tony acquiesces, and follows Steve to the bar.

**

It’s almost three in the morning when they stumble up the stairs of the old, Dutch Colonial stone mansion. They’re not drunk, not really; Tony stopped himself as soon as he felt the heady flush of tipsiness. He doesn’t trust himself to be drunk around Steve, especially since they were sharing a bed.

Neither of them bother to turn on the light, the full moon casting a glow about the room. Tony both loves and hates how romantic it is.

They both undress quickly, eager to get some rest. Out of everything tonight, this is familiar territory, both of them used to sleeping next to each other whenever nights out with the group got too rowdy and taxis were hard to come by. 

Tony brushes his teeth and watches Steve in the reflection of the mirror, only averting his gaze when Steve unbuckles his belt. He spits out the foam, then flops face down onto the bed wearing only his boxer-briefs. He listens as Steve putters about the room, brushes his teeth, then finally settles down beside him with a pleased sigh.

“Good night,” Steve says. Tony hums in response, then shifts so his back is to Steve. He shuts his eyes and listens to Steve breaths even out and the bed shift with Steve’s weight.

Tony turns again, and startles when finds Steve facing him, looking equally caught in the act. 

“Hey,” Tony whispers. “You okay?”

“Yeah,” Steve smiles, but it looks tentative, so he isn’t.

“You sure?” Tony prods.

“Yeah,” Steve says, then turns to face the ceiling. Tony doesn’t miss the small sigh that escapes Steve’s lips.

Tony wants to touch Steve so badly, even if only to comfort him through whatever is causing this sudden sadness. But he doesn’t want to cross a line. Not that he hasn’t been crossing lines all night, trying to get Steve to see how good he’d be, how good they were together. So maybe he wasn’t scared to ask Steve to pretend to be his date tonight, but there are still a few things that do scare Tony, and he’s done being brave for the day.

**

Steve is standing by the sink when Tony wakes up. Tony yawns, stretches out his back, then ambles over to Steve. They brush their teeth in silence, then Tony playfully jostles with Steve over sink space.

“Stop it!” Steve snaps.

Tony throws his hands up and takes a step back. “Okay, wow, go shower first then.”

Steve sighs, runs a hand through his hair nervously. “No, it’s not that. I’m sorry, I don’t know what’s wrong with me.”

“Do you want to talk about it?”

“No.”

“Okay,” Tony says, and leaves the bathroom. He takes a seat on the bed and goes through his memories of the evening, trying to figure out where he could’ve done something wrong.

Then, Steve throws open the door of the bathroom and says, “I had a really good time last night, Tony.” His eyes are wide and he’s blinking like he’s shocked at himself.

“Yeah, me too,” Tony says, confused. “You sure you’re okay?”

“Yeah,” Steve says, sighing. “I just had a really good time.”

Tony smiles. “I told you I’d show you a good time, right?”

Steve nods to himself, chews on his lip as he thinks. He opens his mouth to say something, closes it, then goes back inside the bathroom. 

Tony stares at the door, confused, worried, and wondering what he can do—what else he can do—to get Steve to finally fucking go out with him.

The rest of the morning passes without incident, breakfast and coffee and mingling with the other guests who spent the night. 

They’re packing their bags when Steve turns to Tony and says, “Tony, I think I need to stop hanging out with you for a while.”

“What? Why?” Tony sputters, and he’s scared of the answer.

Steve sinks down onto the bed, rests his head in his hands. “I—god, Tony, why’d you have to—” he pauses again, takes a breath. “I don’t think we can hang out for a while, at least until I’m over it.”

“Over what?” Tony asks, sitting down beside Steve and putting his hand on Steve’s knee. “What are you talking about?”

Steve stares at him through his fingers, then he shuts his eyes tight.

“I haven’t been really honest with you,” he says. 

“Okay,” Tony says, reassuringly. 

“It’s just that,” Steve pauses again, and takes a deep breath. He lowers his hands from his face and looks Tony in the eye. “It’s just that I’m I love you, okay? And I know that this was just supposed to be a fun thing but it’s—“

Tony blanches. “Okay, I’m gonna stop you right there,” he says. 

“Okay,” Steve says, looking chastened.

“No, no,” Tony shifts closer to Steve slowly, like he would a scared animal. He fights down the instinct to jump for joy, worried by the tremulous look on Steve's face. “Steve, oh god. I love you too. You hear me? I love you. I’ve been trying to ask you out to an actual date for the longest time and I thought you just wanted to stay friends so you were humoring me—“

“You MEANT IT?” Steve almost shouts, and jumps up from the bed as if burned. “All those times?”

“Why would I be joking?” Tony asks incredulously.

“Because you’re—“ Steve waves his hands around in a helpless gesture. “You’re you! And I’m just! I’m me!”

“Exactly! You!” Tony pauses. “Why are we shouting?” He asks, tone significantly softer.

“Because!” Steve continues, half-hysterical. “You’re Tony!”

“What does that even mean?!” 

“You’re my friend and I never thought you’d like me and you flirt with everyone and ask everyone out and get them dinner—“ Steve says all in one breath.

“No, I don’t,” Tony says, faltering.

“But you do! You do that!” Steve insists. He’s pacing around the room, now, which should be comical given that he has to turn every three steps, but it just makes Tony feel nervous.

Tony takes a deep breath, then stands and takes Steve by the shoulders. “Steve,” he says, trying to keep his voice steady. “I love you.”

Steve blinks. “You what?”

“I love you,” Tony says again, pulling Steve in close, nose to nose. “I love you, Steve Rogers.”

Steve laughs. “Oh my god,” he says shakily. “You mean it.”

“I do.”

“I love you,” Steve says, eyes wide. “And you—you love me.”

“Yes,” Tony says. 

Steve nods.

“Can I kiss you now?” Tony asks.

“Yes, please,” Steve breathes out.

Tony takes Steve’s chin in his hand and pulls him in—he smiles a little as he hears Steve’s quick intake of breath, right before their lips meet. It’s soft and chaste and tentative and absolutely wonderful.

“See? I told you,” Tony says as he pulls away, smiling as he thumbs Steve’s cheek. “Nothing to worry about, Steve. I got you.”

Steve laughs against Tony’s mouth. “Shut up and kiss me again already, Tony.”

“Yeah, okay.”

[doc-pickles]

it’s nothing funny just to talk (p. 1)

What happens when you text that random number graffitied on a bathroom stall in your favorite bar? Jo Wilson is about to find out. - In which Bar Princess and Doctor Evil Spawn meet via text.

More Jolex on your timeline because y’all seemed to love what I posted before! Also I’ve posted this whole piece on AO3 as well so it might look familiar.  

this idea came to me in a fever dream and i am not sorry that y'all have to deal with it. 99% of this fic will be in "texting" format, so be prepared for that. 

Jo is regular Alex is italics

Saturday 11:04 PM

heeeeey is thiss doctor evil?

I gotta say ur phone sex namee needs sum weerk

u soud like a comic book village 

fuck

village

VILLAIN

Who the hell is this? And how did you get my number? 

i’m just a girl at thee bar!!!! 

Joe’s Bar?

noooooo

i’m at enerlad city bar

You didn’t answer my question. 

u asked a quesitoon?

whata was it?

i’m goos at takifjg tests 

How’d you get my number?

it qas in the bathrooom!!!

it said “for a good tiem txt dr evil spawne” 

so I did

I am ready to havee fun

You’re drunk, obviously, and I’m going to have to kill Cristina for putting my number up. 

ooooooh is thatt ur girleifnd?

hirlefiend 

girlfriend**

Wow you’re really gone. And hell no, she’s my roommate. One of them. 

ooooh how many do u hav

roomees not girlfriends 

Three. Two girls and a dude. 

intereeesting...

well it’s tome for fireball shoots

steph is yeeling at me 4 txting too much

goodbey doctor eviel apawn!!

Oh lord. Tell Steph you need water. Or an IV. 

I’ve got her. she’s throwing up on her shoes. thanks doctor. - steph

  Sunday 10:11 AM

You know you’re pretty funny, Bar Girl. 

jesus christ what fucking time is it?! 

10 AM

I’m assuming you have a massive hangover. 

hold on I can’t hear you over the sound of me vomiting

TMI as the kids say these days. 

what’re you a grandpa or something?? 

No I just don’t know how to use text lingo. Except WTF. I know that one very well. 

quick question

who the fuck are you?

Dr. Evil Spawn. You found my name graffitied in the bathroom of Emerald City Bar. 

holy shit

I thought I dreamed that... WHAT THE FUCK

Nope. I’m real. 

holy shit i’m so sorry

my texts were so annoying

Who hurt you? I mean you were shitfaced, I’m assuming someone broke your heart into tiny pieces. 

the opposite actually, I was at a bachelorette party

not mine, i’m so single it hurts

Ahhh that makes sense. So you got shitfaced in solidarity? 

exactly you get it

you seem like you’d be the DD at a bachelorette party

Well seeing as I’m a dude I don’t do Bachelorette parties. 

Well I did go to one, but that’s a different story.  

hmmm you seem like a very interesting man doctor evil spawn 

going to bachelorette parties, living with women who aren’t your girlfriend 

OMG ARE YOU DATING THE GUY YOU LIVE WITH?!

George? No absolutely not. And before you ask, my other girl roommate is gay. 

so you’re single?

i’m only asking so when you murder me the police have as much information as possible

Haha very funny. I would be a terrible murderer. 

you didn’t answer my question

Fine. Yes I’m single. 

i’ll note that in the “serial killer file” i’m building 

gotta go, I have to do work :/

Have fun, don’t die. 

  Sunday 8:38 PM

Arizona is trying to set me up on a blind date. 

who’s arizona?

My gay roommate. She wants me to meet this “bubbly blonde” she knows from her pilates class. 

ahhhh. why don’t you go?

Bubbly blonde is not my type. Sounds like she’ll spend the whole date talking about how much she loves dogs or her knitting hobby. 

Plus she does pilates, that tells me more than enough. 

you’re making some good points. I don’t pity you. 

You better not. How was work?

the longest day of my life

it was just paperwork, I don’t actually work on the weekends

What do you do?

hmmmm that’s exactly what a serial killer would say

i’m an elementary school teacher

Oh so you sing and dance and paint pictures all day?

what school did you go to?

were working on multiplication tables and basic photosynthesis tomorrow

Wow that sounds like a lot.

it’s may, ive got three weeks of school left so I have to cram all the crap we didn’t cover into these last few weeks 

Ahhh that sounds more accurate.

and what do you do? 

besides text strangers that you don’t know

I’m a pediatrician. 

oh so you make kids cry and wipe snotty noses all day? two can play at that game

Well we both have to deal with snotty noses sooo...

I GET IT!! Doctor Evil Spawn!! 

why evil spawn though? 

I wasn’t this nice when I started med school. My personality is an acquired taste. 

ha! that’s a funny joke. 

so if you’re a fancy schmancy doctor why do you live with three other people?

I’m only a resident, not making the big bucks yet. Everyone else is a doctor too. 

are they all pediatricians?

No. Arizona is too but Cristina is a cardiologist and George is a trauma specialist. 

interesting!! I too live with my coworkers. it’s not fun. 

the table is always covered in craft supplies. 

Well I can never read the grocery list on the fridge. Stupid doctors script...

oh that’s a classic. you’re pretty funny Dr. Evil Spawn

Thanks Bar Girl. 

I gotta go. monday tomorrow and you know how fourth graders can be. night!! 

Night . 

  Monday 9:47 AM

there’s not enough coffee in the world for monday mornings. 

  Monday 10:52 AM 

Sorry I was yelling at the interns. We have a decent coffee cart here. Keeps me alive. Are you texting in class?

no it was recess

now they’re at spanish class

i’m not totally irresponsible 

Oh good to know the future of America is in good hands. Teacher Princess is “not totally irresponsible”

teacher princess?

Well, Cinderella lost her shoe, you puked on yours. Same thing. 

wooooooooow

that was so uncalled for...

I thought it was funny. Gotta go set a broken arm. 

broken arm vs. adverbs... can we switch? have fun lol

  Monday 3:26 PM

I don’t even think I know what an adverb is. 

how did you become a doctor??

Don’t need to know adverbs to fix a couple broken bones and snuffy noses. 

oh darn I should’ve gone to school for seven more years then

Haha. How were the adverbs?

better than expected, grading papers while I wait for my roomies to be done

we carpool, saving the environment and shit

Okay Eco Warrior.

you text like a 60 year old man

you’re not a 60 year old man are you?

No I’m a 28 year old man though

28 a doctor and you’re single? your personality must be worse than you described 

I’m a busy man, I don’t have time to settle down. And I have no desire to. 

yet you have time to text a complete stranger? 

hmmmm interesting...

Ouch, that one hurt Princess. 

steph is making me socialize with the other teachers

if I don’t respond, they killed me or dragged me to an essential oil party

Hahahaha

  Monday 5:18 PM

Did you get roped into a pyramid scheme?

nooo but therew as wine

I should sotp drunk texting you so often 

It makes your presence that much more entertaining. And bearable. 

woah woah dude

i’m a gem 

I can tell. Elementary school teacher with a heart of gold. 

awwww your too sweet tome

It’s a Monday. Who the hell gets drunk on a Monday?

teachers

we deserve it

You’re a teacher and you’re single and still going to Bachelorette parties. You’re what, 23? 

i’m 25 and i’m doing greta thanks you very nuch 

cnat believe that i’m supplying my perosnal info to a serial killer

What makes you so sure that I’m a mass murderer? 

ur weird nickname and ur intimate knowledge of the himan body

Mmm yes well a good amount of women do find themselves screaming around me often. Or under me. On top of me...

omg are you sending me dirty jokes

you’re crazy 

What can I say. 

Gotta go, I’m on call tonight. Get to bed safe, Bar Princess. 

mmmkay thanks Doc

  Wednesday 11:29 AM

What do you think is worse: School lunch or hospital food?

hospital food, no doubt

thursday is mac and cheese day here... I could bathe in that stuff

We have Spaghetti Wednesday but that’s the only good thing here. 

mmm how depressing

the teachers do a pot luck once a month and that’s always good

the art teacher next door to me makes the BEST blueberry muffins. 

Lucky. All I get here is vending machine cookies. Anything interesting happening in the elementary world? 

a first grader got lice last week so naturally we all have it now

I had to chop off six inches of my hair

Holy crap. Lice can be vicious, be thankful you didn’t have to shave your head. 

it feels like I did, my hair hasn’t been above my shoulders since the backstreet boys were still touring

Wow. I’m glad to know you’re well cultured. 

of course I am

gotta go, kids are back from music class

Don’t be too hard on them, they deserve a break every once in awhile. 

  Thursday 3:06 PM

Incoming Voice Call

“Jenna you forgot your lunch pail. Have a good day!”

“Hello?”

“Hi Mrs. Peters. I didn’t grade Henry’s test yet, I’ll have it tomorrow. Thanks bye!”

“Helloooo?”

“Steph I gotta grab my things, I’ll be there in a seco- oh shit. Hello?”

“Bar Princess?”

“Doctor Evil Spawn? I must’ve butt dialed you, I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay I... I don’t mind the interruption. Are you leaving work?”

“Just about, we’re wrapping up the solar system and I have to bring home the diorama.”

“I was never good at the models, I prefer working with the real thing.”

“Oh ho, a man that works with his hands. I can appreciate that.”

“You know now we’re officially talking and we still don’t know each other’s names.”

“Well around here I’m Miss Wilson, but you can call me Jo.”

“Jo. Hmm I like chicks with dudes names. I’m Dr. Karev but you can call me Alex.”

“Well nice to kinda meet you Alex. I’ll talk to you soon, I gotta get out of here.”

“Talk to you later.”  

  Thursday 4:34 PM

I wouldn’t mind if you were my teacher.

how did I know you’d send me something along those lines

I’m predictable. I’m still calling you Bar Princess. 

as you wish doctor evil spawn

I get to assist on a surgery today. Tonsillectomy. 

like removing tonsils? that’s awesome

for you, not for the kid

Oh she’ll be fine, she gets ice cream and jello for a week.  

okay yeah I might be jealous of her now

id love to be off work for a week and have you waiting on me hand and foot

the ice cream is a nice bonus

You think that’s my job?

well you said you aren’t making the big bucks yet so.... yeah 

Keep dreaming. I’ll talk to you later, gotta scrub in. 

have fun!!!!

[airariaira]

Quatrième - 04/03/2020

Alright, strap yourselves in lads, because I left the writing of this about a week later than I usually do so this post will probably be a bit of a long one. First of all I’d like to say again that yes, I feel that my French is improving quite a lot with each day here - even if I’m not perfect, but confidence is growing and I’m definitely more confident in saying the things I say often.

Now, let’s go back to the 13th of February. My journal entry from that day seems a bit of a negative one, because I was writing about my conflicting feelings that sometimes pop up - whether I should allow my classmates to approach me first and thus seem like the quiet and awkward exchange student, or whether I should approach them first and feel like I’m pushing myself on them. It feels a little overwhelming sometimes to be surrounded by so many cool French people when my language skills often can’t keep up (and perhaps a bit the same with my social skills too 😂). Sometimes it feels like I’m wasting the opportunity right in front of me when I don’t have the confidence to strike up a conversation. As mentioned by Alex in his blog, I know I shouldn’t keep myself at a distance from my peers, but it’s so hard not to fall into the trap of doing that when 1. I’m leaving in only a month (oh my goodness, it’s so soon 😱), and 2. the past two weeks have been holidays and I haven’t seen any of them at all (reasoning for that is distance, being busy, and/or the fact that the week following the holidays - this week - is their BAC blanc exams, which is prelim exams for all you NZ ppl).

The 14th was a better day. Of course it being Valentine’s Day, the Cœur de Troyes is a major attraction on that day. I should have wandered by it to see it all dressed up. That morning I was late to school (great first time French school experience...) I was close to catching the bus, but just not close enough.. How frustrating it was to watch that bus leave without me right before my eyes. I caught the next bus, but it turns out that my bus card had run out that day. However, the bus had already left so I took that ride without a working bus card (oh heck, is that police sirens I hear?) So all in all, that was a day of many bus hardships. Because of all that, I walked home and it was actually really lovely to take the chance to admire the city again. Sometimes I find myself getting a bit comfortable and I have to remind myself that omg I really am  a c t u a l l y  in France right now! 

On Saturday the 15th I went to the market with Marie. The market here is so cool. Lots of bustling people buying all the things they need for the week, there’s live chickens, cheese of course, clothes, a whole lot of other random stuff... The market is a pretty big thing in French culture so I enjoy going and seeing it. That afternoon we drove to pick up Antoine from a friend’s house, who lives a few towns over. It was a really nice day, so the sun hit the rolling countryside really nicely that day. We also drove through some small towns I hadn’t seen yet, and they were very cute. I’ll never stop being impressed by all the beautiful old buildings in France. That evening I made a silly language mistake and mixed up the words for packing bags and doing the dishes, so now whenever I hear one I think of the other. 😅

Sunday 16th had us travelling down to Marseilles for out 5-day holiday. It was a 7 hour drive, but we took the whole day because we stopped off at Marie’s sister’s place for lunch. She and her partner live close to where Alex is placed, so I took this truly wonderful quality photo to demonstrate to him whereabouts I was:

For lunch we had raclette, the weather was very nice, and so was the company. Marie’s sister’s husband’s children were there too. Last minute, it was decided his daughter Ambre would come along on the holiday with us which was nice. So we switched to a bigger car and set off again. When we reached Marseilles it was almost pretty much dark, but I could still see the countryside - different but really nice. The city is an eclectic mix of old and new, and there’s even a Hollywood style sign (like in Wellington!) here’s another definitely really great quality photo...

Some of the highlights from our trip to Marseilles:

Visited the museum (called Mucem)

Place des Pistoles

The Cathedral

The Notre-Dame of Marseilles

Picnic on the beach

Visit to Cassis

It’s very easy to get around Marseilles, because there’s a card called “le ticket” which you can access not only the Metro with, but also the busses, which is very useful. The Metro system is also a lot more simple than the one in Paris, because it only has two lines. The city is also quite pretty because it’s this nice mixture of old buildings, street art, flowers and plants overflowing from balconies, sculptures, and sunshine of course. People’s accents in the south are also a bit different to in the places further north, so that was interesting for me to experience too. The first day (Monday) was a bit rainy, so we decided to visit Mucem, which was nice. The museum was incredible. The two exhibits I liked the most were one on voyages and travel, which had a mixture of different art pieces that I really adored. One of them was this light globe, which seemed cool... Until we noticed that the rug in the foreground had left out New Zealand! Typical 😂

The other exhibit I really liked was one on the life and work of the famous and very celebrated French author/poet named Giono. He was a part of the world wars, so a lot of his work is descried as being often very haunting. I hope to be able to read some of it sometime. I wish I could have stayed in the museum for longer and committed the exhibits to memory. After seeing the exhibits, we headed outside onto the roof, where there’s a pretty herb garden and a gorgeous view all around you of the city and the sea.

The following days, the weather was a heck of a lot better, with the sun out and about I almost forgot it was winter at some points! On Tuesday we visited a pretty old part of town, and walked along the Place Des Pistoles, which is an area of streets dedicated to street art. it was very pretty, and I guess you could say it felt ... right up my alley 😏

After that, we went to the Catheral which was nice - it was very very big inside, and the weather at that point was very very windy outside.

Following that, we continued with the church thing and went to visit the very high-up Notre-Dame of Marseille. Because it’s so high up we were able to take a bus thank goodness, and there was also a gorgeous view of the city below us. 

The inside was incredibly extravagant and shiny...

On Wednesday we went for a picnic lunch on the beach. We definitely earned it, as we had many bus mishaps on the way there! It was a very sunny day, but the wind was very strong on the beach. We also amassed a small army of seagulls, pigeons, sparrows, and other miscellaneous birds while we were eating. This is the view back from the shore:

There was also this dude here across the road from the beach:

Thursday was a wonderful day. It was also the half way point of my exchange, whaaaat!? We drove out to the pretty nearby village of Cassis. It was even warmer there - so warm I didn’t even need to wear a jacket! We went on a short walk first, and got some nice views of the cliff-faces, water, and boats below:

(Cassis has always been a boating/fishing area. I can see why, with how beautifuul the water and the weather is!)

^ Ambre, Lola and I

Halfway through the walk, we stopped on some warm rocks for a rest and some lunch. It was really nice in the sun.

Lola, myself, Lola, and Olivier.

Clearly I missed the peace sign memo AND the cup holding memo!

After that, we wandered around the town a litte bit. It is truly a beautiful place - I couldn’t really believe I was seeing it all with my very own eyes.

There were also a few groups of people very intensely playing games of Petanque. I think Dad and Lisa would have appeciated that. We then had icecream while looking over all the boats. It feels very odd writing about the nice weather there when currently as I am writing it is 6pm and suddenly very rainy! That evening, we had dinner at a friend of Marie’s. It was very nice, and their family was lovely and welcoming. I did gett a little overwhelmed at one point because there was a lot of rapid French being spoken by a lot of different people all at once and it was difficult for my tired self to keep up after a big day. However it was still enjoyable. Us younger ones got along pretty well. It’s a little weird, meeting all these nice people here while I’m exchange and realising that I may very well never see some of them again... On Friday the 21st we drove back home, stopping off to drop off Ambre and to have some lunch there too. 

That weekend was quiet. On Sunday Marie’s mother joined us for lunch. We then went to the house in Geraudot for a short while, then went for a walk along a different, bigger, lake nearby. I would love to see it in the summer, when all the restaurants and things were open, people camping just across the road, the golden sand in the sun... Here’s a picture from the ride home to demonstrate why the landscape here sometimes gives me (coming from Blenheim surrounded by hills) shellshock. Tell me, am I living in that Window’s screensaver we all know and love?

On Monday evening I went to watch my first sports game ever - a French football game (sorry Kiwi rugby diehards). The Troyes football team is called Estac. The game felt a little slow at times, but other times I found myself getting pretty into it! A good experience in general.

On Wednesday evening, three friends of Lola’s came for an early overnight celebration for Lola’s birthday. We played a game called “Ta Mere En Slip”, which is a little like “Heads Up”, but with a person and an action to guess. Here’s a photo from that:

Thursday 27 February - Paris no. 2

On Thursdays, usually Marie works in Paris, taking an early train there and an evening train back. We decided that it could be a cool idea for me to travel over with her and spend the day by myself. It was an... interesting day, to say the least.

We had an early start, took the train, and then recharged my Metro card once we got there. All good, mostly, except until the card didnt work, which was a little awkward and confusing 🙄 After getting through that, Marie and I parted ways; she on her way to a meeting at work, and I on a metro to the Louvre. I had some trouble with the many confusing lines once I got there, and another tourist even asked me if she was in the riht line, to which I replied that I was sorry I was also rather confused! I hope she found her way in the end, because we were both very much in the wrong line but for different reasons. I found the correct line for me, and then I was in the Louvre! I ended up spending upward of three hours here, there was so much to see. Beautiful paintings that are so nice to appreciate in person, Greek and Roman sculpture (my inner classics nerd was wilding, it was great to see these things that I’d studied up close), some gorgeous neoclassical and otherwise French sculpture, beautiful extravagant objects from past French royalty, even Eastern and Egyptian antiquities. There was just so much and of course it was impossible to see it all (though naturally I tried - my sore feet did not thank me later). That moment of awe you feel when you see something that you truly ove is near indescribable. Here’s some photos of some of my favourite things that I saw:

A bust of Alexander the Great

Some very  impressive, large paintings

The very very extravagant ceiling in one of the gallery rooms

A view of the pyramid, the little doll people, and the not-so-great weather outside from the beautiful objects area with all the past belongings of French monarchs

A nice piece from the French sculpture area

I got pretty lucky with my trip to the Louvre for a few reasons. One was that my ticket was for the morning at opening time, so I managed to get in before the worst of the crowds. Pretty awesome being able to wander around without being hindered too badly by lots of other people also trying to get as close as they possibly can to every piece. The other reason I got lucky was because the Louvre is now closed. It closed on Saturday the 29th of February, and remains closed now, it being unclear when it may open again. This was following an announcement of a nation-wide ban of gatherings of more than 5000 people in a confined space. The Louvre, of course, falls under this category.

Anyway, after that very long musemum trip, I was happily full with appreciation for art nd culture, however I was also very hungry and thirsty (no drink bottles allowed in the museum haha). So I went outside and got myself a bite to eat from a bakery stall outside, which I had overlooking the pretty garden outside (yes it was raining a bit and the bench was a little damp too, so yes I sacrificed my rain jacket to sit on). The interaction I had with the person at the bakery stall felt like the most natural interaction all in French I had had with a customer service person so far. I think that was the proudest I’d ever been of myself simply for ordering a sandwich! 😂 It was nice to just sit down with my food and admire my surroundings and people watch for a while. I could even see the Eiffel tower fro my spot, which was nice. I then wandered all the way through the garden, admiring the flowers and fountains and sculptures and the many many empty benches. I’d love to see how it looks in the sun - I bet those benches will be pretty well occupied in the springtime. After that I went on a mission for toilets and discovered the truly wonderful and fantastic thing that is Paris’ tendency for toilets that cost money to use. After that delightful exprience I headed to see the Obelisk. I may have been walking against the wind and rain, but the area was still pretty. 

I then walked all the way down the Champs- Élysées (my poor feet), until I reached the Arc de Triomphe. It was by then only the early afternoon and I realised I was at a bit of a loss as to what to do. I had options, of course, but the travel to them on the metro or busses or otherwise seemed confusing and I had the added issue of not having any data or wifi to use google maps with. (Next time I am definitely getting some data - that would have solved a whole lot of problems 🙄). Long story short, one thing led to another and I ended up stressy ugly-crying with a burger I didn’t want in a McDonalds just so I could use the wifi to try and make sense of the metro system, while messaging Marie. Then to top it all off, my bathroom grievances continued because, naturally, the bathroom in that restaurant was another one that costed, and I had spent the last of my change on that burger. Dang. Anyways, I decided to go down to the metro to try and find my way to the Montmartre church. However, my metro card problems continued, my confusion of the metro system continued, and I ended up on the phone to Marie who said she would come meet me. I felt very bad that she left work for me, she said it was all okay, but naturally I still felt bad. She found me eventually, a littel tearstained and very embarrassed, and we headed on the metro to Montmartre together. She tried to explain the metro system to me a bit more, which was good and I feel like I’ve got a liiiittle bit of a better handle on it now.

On the steep walk up to Montmartre there were lots and lots of tourist shops, and then a lot a lot of stairs, with some street art on the walls which was pretty cool. The church was very pretty. We didn’t go inside, but the outside was very nice. All the surrounding fences were cooovered in lovers’ padlocks

The viewn was also very nice. Paries views (and I think French views in genral?) are always interesting. A mix of that classic Parisian architecture, you know the one -modern buildings, well-known monuments, building cranes, oooold old buildings and monuments, and sometimes the odd bit of big street art on the high-up walla. It’s never the same view you expect to see. 

After that nice wee trip we went to grab a coffee and stop off at the cafe’s toilets before we headed home. However, toilet grievance number 3 hit us suddenly because the toilets were out of order. After that we decided to head to the train station and leave a littel earlier than originally planned. I was so tired after a big day I couldn’t help but fall asleep on the train 😂 Once we were back home I recounted my metro meltdown and we all decided that perhaps public transport (missing train stops, being confused by the metro and bus syetems...) is simply not my strong point, lol. Anyways, despite the stressy moments of that day, all in all it was a good experience, and the good moments were really enjoyable. I’m not going to letit deter me, and I hope in the future I’ll have more chances to explore the city and improve my knowledge of how to get around.

Saturday the 29th was a good day. We had gratin dauphinois for lunch, which was cool because it reminded me of my Nanna because it was one of her specialties, and it reminded me of the one time I made it for a culture project for French class. That afternoon, Marie and I headed back to the museum with the section on bonneterie, because there’s a new exposition there at the moment. It’s on the brand of socks called Doré Doré, celebratng it’s 200 year anniversary (weird that a sock brand in France is older than the entire government in New Zealand), and the factories have been based in Troyes since the beginning. It was cute, and a littel funny with all the little socks and things. There were lots of these big sock wall decorations outside the exhibit:

Sunday was the last day of the holidays. In the morning Marie, Lola and I went to the bakery to pick up Lola’s birthday cake. Her birthday isn’t until the 7th, but on Sunday afternoon there was some family coming to celebrate. It’s funny when we go into any store, every time the cashier assumes I’m a separate customer, so I’m now well practiced at saying oh no thank you we are all together. For lunch, Marie’s mother, brother, his partner, and their young son Jack-Jack came around. There was nice conversation, nice food, and then a game of ‘Ta Mere En Slip’. They’re all very nice, and it feels easier now than every for me to speak French with groups of people. It’s still hard sometimes, but it’s much better! 

Yesterday was interesting. It was sort of the first day back at school. I got up early, Marie took Lola and I to school as usual... However I had neglected to check what the case was with the BAC blanc exams this week. Turns out that no, there is no classes at all, and it is in fact just tests all throughout the week. So that was an interesting time for me, turning up there and my classmates finding it funny I was there at all. So I just headed back home after spending a little while in the school library, and sike! I have, in some ways, another week of holidays... I’m thinking I might do some more exploring, go back to the museum, I could go to the movies and try watching something in French again, I could write some postcards or things home... Today I’ve just been writing this blog entry this morning, I’ve gone out to eat pizza for lunch with Marie, but the weather today is lovely (much better than the rain last night), so I might go do something. I am in absolute disbelief that I have less than 4 weeks left on exchange. Where did the time go? I swear I must comment on how fast the time is going by at least a few times a day at this point. But wow, it really is going fast.

Until next time!

[mahirarichie]

Saturday reflections

This week has been a very eventful week and i have so many things to tell.

I went back to uni on monday and took my last paper on tuesday. Alhamdulillah, I have officially finished my first semester. The paper was easy, i guess. It was okay, the feeling after leaving the hall felt good. I was relieved.

I went to nsk on wednesday with mama and took these photos of the peppers. I actually took more pictures of other vegetables but these two were my favourite. I loved how bright it was and how vibrant the colours stood out. You could see the yellow peppers from aisles away, and i thought to myself how great Allah is. He painted these fruits with unique colours and it's crazy to think how what we perceive might not be the same with how other people see when two people sees a colour differently. Isn't that amazing? And to think how without light, there are no colours. And how we "absorb" the colours and only leave the red and yellow pigments on the peppers. I don't know if i am making sense but you get it right?

I baked some cookies on thursday that people ordered and it keeps on coming, Alhamdulillah. I was tired at first but when i reminded myself why we started it in the first place made me feel better.

On friday, i went to hkl with mama and kak cik for her appointment. The kuey teow sup there was sooooo good and mama said it was super cheap. Anyway, i baked some more cookies before that and i listened to a lecture by Yasir Qadhi. Saying that it moved me was an understatement. I was basically holding back my tears while baking. It was on the seerah of our Prophet Muhammad SAW. One part that i remember when the speaker told us the story of wheat bread and meat. I'll tell the story with how much i understand it and i will include the link of the video if you would like to hear it for yourself. You know how it is very hot during noon and nobody goes out of their houses at that time. The prophet went out of his house to have a small walk because there was no food at home. So he walked outside and saw 2 sahabahs (i forgot who hehe) and chatted since there was no food at home. Then one came a man (i forgot his name hehe) who was on the way back home from his business saw them and asked what where they doing in this heat. They explained and he was like "this can't be!!! Come to my house and i'll prepare food". So this man rushed home. This man had only one goat at home and it is a very old goat. The goat dah passed the age of supplying milk so he told his wife, "we have to sacrifice this goat". They prepared meat and bread, and then came the prophet and the other two. Cam sekarang kan we would like pay a sum of money to eat steak or something like that, it was the same back then with meat and wheat bread. After eating, the prophet said something along the lines of "we left our homes when we were hungry and Allah gave us food to eat. Nanti Allah will ask you what did you do when you got the food" or something like that. Cam nak cakap how bersyukur are we lah. Then the speaker was like, "we eat three meals a day and do we ever bersyukur like how he did when he dapat food?" And it hit me because i've never really thought about it that way and how one day Allah will be asking me if i was ever grateful for having food on the table. I told this story to mama and kc and we were having this crying party lmao sebab cam emo gila. And mama cerita about how every prophet had one dua that Allah will grant and our prophet hasn't used his and it is for his umat nanti as syafaat to forgive us omg dah la cam we berdosa gila on a daily basis we might or might not realise we buat dosa and our prophet minta Allah forgive us like omg im so emo???????? And did u know aladdin was based off nabi sulaiman? The flying carpets and the genie in a bottle. I thought it was pretty cool.

And came saturday, which is today. I'm going to write about today on a new post because it's about my skin hehe.

Xoxo 🤪

[imsarabum]

Responses to {Part 25} I Won’t Stop You // Jeon Jungkook, Vampire!AU Asks~

Please ‘Keep Reading’ to find my response to your ask ^^ As always, I have copied and pasted all asks into this post in regards to last night’s chapter to avoid clogging up people’s dashboards and to avoid spoilers for those who may still wish to read the chapter. Thank you ^^

(I have also included asks that I received in the hours before IWSY was posted ^^)

@ofwolvesandbutterflies said: Oh mai gawd it's tuesday! you know what that means... IWSY part 25 is coming tonight!

IT’S VAMPDAY! Hehe :3 I’m excited!!

@life-guru said: It's Tuesday!!!!!! I am so ready😙

Yay! I hope you’ll enjoy it love :D

@openup-yourmind said: Hi, i just wanted to let you know that i can't wait for the next chapter! ♡ You're a breat writer and i send big love from Montreal/Canada 😘❤🍁 *big hug* :)!

Thank you so much honeypot! I really hope you’ll like it :D Yay hugs from Canada! Have some hugs from the U.K too *hugs* hehe ^^

@bangtangurlarmy said: Girl, I live for your writings. ABANSJWJAIWKAKKWNWIMWALMAJW I CAN'T WAIT FOR THE NEXT CHAPTER AND I HAVE FINALS ON SATURDAY BUT IT'S MY LAST EXAM SO HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHA.  I love you❤❤ And Justin Seagull❤ and Jack, Christian Chim Chim....Yoonki Min as well... Oh wait, I love Monie and Jin and J-dope too😌

I BURST OUT LAUGHING AT J-DOPE LMAO OH YM GOD xD Ahhh your nicknames for them all are so cute, when will I ever~ And hey, you’re one to talk! I’ve been sneaking through your Taehyung scenarios like *wiggles eyebrows* and I love your writing so much! And of course, I love you a lot too ❤  I hope your finals won’t be too stressful for you my dear, you’ll do well I know you will!

@mocking-butts said: I like can't focus properly because I'm waiting for the new update~ I need to know what happens mumsy oh god I'm dying here ㅠㅠ

I hope you’ll enjoy it honeypie! :3

Anonymous said: OMG ONE FUCKING MINUTE

LET’S GOOOOO!

Anonymous said: AHHHHH SHES PREGNANT DJAJVDJSJSBSKSKNXNSNZJ

GASP!

Anonymous said: That was heavy man...

Good heavy I hope~

Anonymous said: ACKKK THAT WAS SO GOOD! CAN'T WAIT FOR NEXT WEEK!! LOVE YA❤ -Anon+friend⚇

Thank you so much anon and friend! I love you too :3

@mocking-butts said: WAIT WHAT OH MY- IM MAMING THE MOST UNGODLY NOISES IM LIKE I CANT EVEN MUMSY WHYYYYY PLEASE BE NEXT WEEK FATSER~ ksjsndndkdkdkek I forgot how to speak I'm going to go cry now and drown in my tears 😭

Please don’t cry please smile for me :( I hope you enjoyed it though! :c Thank you for reading my love!

Anonymous said: Shit just went down I love when your fanfics get angsty OMG thank u Sara  --wifey anon

I’m glad you enjoy the angst wifey anon c: Plenty more where that came from! ^^ Thank you so much for reading it :D

Anonymous said: I was having a poop week, and this made my day. BUT THAT CLIFFHANGER!! AND I'M PREGGERS *screams* PS I forgive you and love you too :) *more screams* -Vampnip anon

I’m sorry you had such a poop week *hugs* I hope your week gets better! AND YES OMG YOUR PREGGERS CONGRATS BABE! lolol c: Thank you for forgiving me Vampnip anon c: And thank you so much for reading!

Anonymous said: *says in ratchet voice* OMG NO! You did not just do that to me bitch! Like how the fuck am I supposed to be able to live for another week to read the rest of this story! Like, hell to the no... just saying you better come to my funeral Luv u bitch xxx

I DID JUST DO THAT TO YOU~ muhaha ^^ I’ll be there dressed in my best I’M KIDDING NO PLEASE DON’T DIE ID BE REALLY SAD FOR REAL :( I love you too lol and thank you for reading the update :3

@mini-mini-jiminie33 said: In response to the cliffhanger on chapter 25 of I Won't Stop You--yOU ARE THE GOD OF CLIFFHANGERS AND IDK WHETHER TO LOVE YOU OR HATE YOU FOR THAT OMG IM SCREAMING AAH

I WOULD PREFER IT IF YOU LOVED ME BUT IF YOU WANT TO HATE ME THEN THAT’S OKAY TOO I’LL SPEND THE REST OF MY ADULT LIFE TRYING TO EARN BACK YOUR LOVE *cries*

Anonymous said: I SWEAR!! I FLIPPING SWEAR!! DO YOU ENJOY THE THINGS YOU DO TO ME?! DO YOU KNOW WHAT THIS FEELS LIKE!?

I do rather enjoy the things I do to you ^^ Does that make me evil like Yoongi? Probably c: thank you for reading my love :3

Anonymous said: OMG THE OC Is PREGNANT FUCK YES! Hmm pregnant from all that fucking 😉😏😏I HOPE THE BABY IS OK

*jay parks aquaman plays in the background* ‘lemme call you mama cos we abouta make a baby’ OML YES ALL THE FUCKING~ haha thank you very much for reading the new chapter doll :D

@jynxy24 said: YOU. MAKE. ME. WANNA. SCREAM. AND  CRY. OMG. SAAAARRRRAAAAAAAAAAA! HOW COULD YOU?! I TRUSTED YOU TO PROTECT MY HEART BUT MY HEARTEU! MY HEARTEU IS, ARRRHHHH!!  Okay, rant is over. How've you been, Sara!! I hope you have been well, is the weather there great? Stay healthy!! >.< CHAPTER WAS AWESOME BTW AAAAHHHHH!! I'M SO FRICKIN CURIOUS OF WHAT YOONGI IS GONNA DO!! I hope Namjoon turns good at the end(I can frickin sense it) :3 I have to go, stay awesome, Sara! Love you!

I promise you that your heart will be okay and that everything will work out in the end!! I’ve been okay, super stressed and busy and hardly any time to do anything other than study and work but I am trying to hard to stay on top of things ^^ The weather is FREEZING but I wrap up warm. How are you doing?! And thank you so much for reading the new update and I love you too honeypie!! :3

@deangetoutofmyspleen said: SARA IM UGLY CRYING I FUCKIN KNEW ITTTTTTTTTTTT OHMYGOSHIMINSHOCK MY HEART IS EXPLODINGNGGGGHHHH

shh...it’s okay...it’s all gonna be okay c: ehehe~

Anonymous said: jimin hates white ppl xoxo

xoxo Gossip Girl xoxo

@doubletroublesince1994 said: This is literally making me die and anticipation omgg I loved every bit of this chapter but man waiting for another week for the next chapter is gonna be hard for me 😂😂😂 Thank you so much for writing this, this is truly a blessing I love youuu ❤

Ahhh thank you so much for reading it and I love you too! I know it sucks waiting for things to come out :( but I’m glad that you still read every week despite the wait!! I appreciate it so much :3 Thank you darling :D

Anonymous said: I... Don't know what to say... So much just happened in part 25, Yoongi has 'me' in custody, 'i'm' pregnant with Jungkook's baby, and Jungkook has it so bad that he decided to protect both 'me' and the baby. Fucking Yoongi. Literally, the song 'Why' by Taeyeon is playing in the background and that is  the one word going through my mind right now. How do you write so well and give me the ultimate feels?! I love you, take care of yourself, and yeah. r.i.p. me. - army anon

It really was a chapter filled with so many emotions and feelings and points of view, I’m glad it could give you ultimate feels! Ahhh Why my Taeyeon is a beautiful song, you’ve put me in the mood to listen to it now! I love you too and I hope you will have an amazing week Army anon ^^ thank you so much for reading it!

@theninjachan said: this is gonna sound weird but yoongi is my bias so instead of being pissed of or angry with his villainous chuckles i was rather......turned on???? HAHAHA. anyway this was a great chapter as usual. and y/n is pregnant? oh boy oh boy oh boy i'm excited for tuesday to come

No no not at all! I rather enjoy that passive-aggressive asshole type behaviour and it is high-key sexy as fuck in so many ways lol (THIS IS WHY ALL MY RELATIONSHIPS HAVE FAILED I MAKE THESE BAD DECISIONS) lol thank you so much for reading again this week love ^^

Anonymous said: I'm dying a little bit by every sentence I read,  I know this is a fiction (and a VERY GOOD at that), but it still rips me apart reading this chapter especially when Serrena told Jungkook about the unborn child, and I know JK love her and their unborn child with all his life, he will protect them at all cost even if it means his life been taken away :( --Lotsa love Erica from U.S--

Hello Erica!! Thank you so much for reading IWSY it means a lot to me and I’m so happy you think it’s good! And yeah, it’s both a happy and a sad thought. When I was writing the chapter, I was actually listening to Flyleaf’s song ‘Circle’ and the lyrics ‘no man shows greater love than when a man lays down his life for his beloved’ was echoing throughout my mind ^^

@mysr3 said: WHAT!*still shock*What! I thought they were being sAfe! Sara u 've serious explanations to do! I luv how u had JK shift on so many emotions in such short span. the moment of JK n his mom is touching. N u w/ ur evil genius plot Twist! U n this ch r the reason my emotions r over the place rn! Just "Ding-dong” at the end had my imagination run wild of what will happen next. Y Yoongi sounds so hot! Ahh the torture week of waiting for IWSY now begin 😭glare, pouty 😤lol LuV u! ❤️ Thank you!

Don’t glare or be pouty at me!! :c hehe but heY WAIT I THOUGHT YOU SAID YOU WEREN’T LOOKING FORWARD TO THE UPDATE HM?? ;) lolol I’m glad I could put your emotions all over the place, this makes me very very happy ^^ But thank you once again for reading this weeks chapter and I love you too despite the amount of apparent pain I’ve caused you :3

Anonymous said: It's 11:35 pm my time and I can't control my emotions. Like fuck man. Y/N is preg-a-nant and like I'm happy af.  But why Yoongi gotta fuck everything up. Like couldn't their happiness have lasted a little longer. But it's okay cause y/n a bad bitch you can't kill her. Then JUNGKOOK  gonna fight Yoongi and save his girl cause he a real man-vampire. This story so good that I'll wait another week but these dramatic cliffhangers gotta stop mom (Name the baby after me plz) Love you  💜 ~LilKookieAnon

She is definitely a bad bitch, Yoongi don’t know who he’s fucking with! :3 AND NO NEVER THE CLIFFHANGERS ARE HERE TO STAY I’M SORRY JUST EMBRACE THEM AND ACCEPT THEM AS A PART OF YOU OKAY?! hehe~ thank you my love for reading and I hope you’re having a great week LilKookieAnon ^^

@jeonjungrude said: OMGG THE CLIFFHANGER AND THE FACT THAT SHE IS PREGNANT!! OMGGG WHY U DOING THIS TO MY POOR POOR HEART !! 😭😭😩😩 now i have to wait till next week omg may god save me !! 🖤

Because...I enjoy your pain *evil laugh* I guess this makes me similar to Yoongi lol we are sadists with our intentions :3 But I think mine are far less sinister, well...I hope :3 thank you so much for reading my love and I hope you enjoyed it ^^

Anonymous said: Didn't they have unprotected sex after the ball? How come she become pregnant?

Do you know how sex works my love? :3 You can still get pregnant when you use a condom because nothing (except abstinence) is 100% safe!! And also - if you read the parts when they have sex, there are instances when Jungkook is having sex with the reader when he isn’t wearing a condom. For instance, the morning after the first time they have sex. The reader is on top and he hasn’t got a condom on. Yes - he doesn’t “finish” inside her, but that doesn’t mean you still can’t get pregnant ^^

Anonymous said: Me: OH ITS TUESDAY! *reading IWSY* Fic: Ding-dong” the bell chimed. To be continued..." Me: -_________- well shit NOOO WHY?! EVEN JUST ONE MORE DETAILED SENTENCE THAT EXPLAINS EVERYTHING. *depressed* *needs to wait for another week ㅠㅠ* Hehehe...i honestly love ur works! Specially IWSY! It's really unique for my opinion and it's im telling u IT'S WELL WRITTEN. It's soooo gooood. I've never been this excited just for tuesdays, ever in my life😂. It's really of the best and one of my favourites! 💕

Thank you so much for thinking that it’s unique and well written, that makes me so happy ^^ Thank you very much my love!! :3

@coppertopging said: I KNEW IT!!!!!! I KNEW SHE WAS PREGNANT!!! AHHHHHHHHH!!!! WHY IS TUESDAY 7 DAYS AWAY AGAIN?!?!?!?!?!?!

DUN DUN DUN! c: You guessed correctly! I’m sorry for the long waits :( I wish I could write more than one chapter a week :( thank you my love for reading :D

Anonymous said: OH MY GOD PLEEEASE let this have a happy ending!!! My heart my poor heart😭😭😭

I hope it will have a happy ending for you my love!

@ananyak26 said: Omg author nim! Part 25 was cruelxD. It was amaaazingly written, and I loved it a lot. Great job!

I apologise for it being so cruel :c but thank you so much for reading dear!!

@life-guru said: Ahhhhhh she's pregnant!! I hope everything works out and that namjoon gets saved somehow! Thank you for blessing us with such a great story!!❤️😘

I hope so too c: thank you so much for reading my stories!

Anonymous said: FRICK. That is all I have to say about IWSY chapter 25. Thank you and goodnight.  - 종달새 ❤︎

I hope that’s a good thing! c: Thank you very much for reading my love - good night!!

@animeimmortal said: WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT LIKE SHES PRGNANT WHAT AND ANOTHER CLIFFHANGER PLEASE LET ME LIVE IM TRYING TO LIVE IN PEACE AND THIS IS OMG the storm is really not helping and Serena? Lord she could have told Y/N about it at least -.- love you 😍❤❤❤

ALL THE FRUSTRATING THINGS GAHHHH! hehe, thank you so much for reading it aand I love you very much too ^^

@noceurash said: Im!!! I'm so hyped over iwsy omg it's happening!!!! I can't wait for the next part, I love you!! This chapter was so good aaah. I hope you have a good day~~

YAY I’M SO GLAD IT GOT YOU HYPED! Thank you so much my love, I hope you have a good day too :D

@toxic-seoul said: I AM FREAKING OUT SARA OH MY GOD dcdjsjicfk I'm so ready for the next chapter I wanna kno what Yoongi is planning. I want Serena 2 come in like a badass mama & save her son & every1 cuz moms r awesome & shit but I also want JK to tear Yoongi apart. But then I also want Yoongi 2 fuq reader up cuz I'm messed up like that lol bUT NO YOONGI NEEDS TO CHECK HIMSELF BIH IM NOT LIKING HIS ATTITUDE. Bitch boi got another thing comin if he thinks he's getting away with that pfft. Amazing as always btw lol

Badass mama here to save the day! I hope she does that c: AND YES WE CANT LET HIM GET AWAY WITH IT HOW DARE HE, HE’S SO RUDE D: hehe, thank you so much for reading honeypot, you’re awesome an I hope you have a great day ^^

Anonymous said: Oh my god!! All those asks about the reader getting her period!!! And now!!!!! The latest chapter was great and I'm always amazed by your vocabulary :3 Thank you so much for writing I Won't Stop You!

I KNOW LOL IT’S LIKE ‘JESUS CHRIST JUST WAIT FOR THE STORY OH MY GOD’ lol like...please :( haha thank you so much doll, that really means so much to me :D Thank you for reading IWSY and for messaging me too :D

Anonymous said: IM ABOUT TO EXPLODE!! I DIDN'T EXPECT THAAAAAT FHRJKEDJJDKDJFJJ A CHILD?? OMG YAS!!! I WON'T BE ABLE TO SURVIVE THIS WEEK GOD DAMN IT

Please don’t explode no D: YES A CHILD! YES YOU CAN SURVIVE THE WEEK I PROMISE YOU CAN :D hehe~ thank you so much for reading my love ^^

Anonymous said: Wow for once I'm here relatively early and //HOLY SHIT !! The plot is thick and everything is so emotionally charged right now and I'm dying ... but lowkey looking forward to full squad next week (even if 4/7 of them are baddies)

Thank you very much for reading it! I’m glad you’re finding it emotionally charged c: And yep! The gang is all together hehe :D

Anonymous said: i can't wait for nxt tuesday alrd 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

Me either! :3 thank you!

@brilliantbellesoares said: IWSY FEEDBACK: I don't know if I'm crying of joy because I'm happy they're having a child or of sadness because of what could happen to that child

That two edged sword tho ;D hehe! thank you so much :D

@wanda-rog said: You're so nice and such a good writter! Still so evil...how dare you give us another cliffhanger? You probably laugh maniacally when you type "to be continued". I just want her to be back with Jungkook! And now she is pregnant and in danger TT another long week before update 😭

My evilness is a charm, I promise ;D Whenever I finish it and read it out to my mum, she screams in distress, so I already have an idea of what will happen :3 thank you for reading my love ^^

Anonymous said: HOOOOOOO BOY SHE FUCKING PREGNANT SJDJDJ oh my god this chapter has my ass up the entire time djdjdjd WHAT THE FUCK im dying to know what yoongis after for y/n what thefcuk

All will be revealed soon! :3 hehe thank you so much for reading ^^

Anonymous said: FUCK ME ON THE ASS WITH A SPOON IM FUCKING DYING I CANT FUCKINT BELIVE JINT HSI FUCKING BITCH OH MY GOD DJSJSJDJS SHES FUCKING PREGNANT DIDNT THEY USE PROTECTION LIKE UNTIL THE LAST SEX PART WHERE JK FUCKED HER RAW IM FUCKING DYING AND SHES GONA DIE INT HECOLD FUCKING YOONGI THAT BITKCH ASS MUTHAFUCKIN I SWEAR TO GOD

LMAO OHMY GOD hahahaha xD Well - if you read the parts when they have sex, there are instances when Jungkook is having sex with the reader when he isn’t wearing a condom. For instance, the morning after the first time they have sex. The reader is on top and he hasn’t got a condom on. Yes - he doesn’t “finish” inside her, but that doesn’t mean you still can’t get pregnant ^^ And also, just because you’re using a condom, doesn’t mean you can’t get pregnant! Thank you for reading love :D

@semisweetsuga said: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA -IWSY by Koto

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA - by Sara THANK YOU BBY

Anonymous said: The scale for this story isn't 0 to 100 anymore. It's just 100 to 5000 at this point ya know? There's never a point where this story rests at 0

heh, I think that’s a matter of subjectivity my darling. There are points in which I believe this story is calm and tranquil depending on the situation - take the moment in the restaurant for example, or various soft/romantic moments that the reader is subjected to. Of course, it is a Vampire fiction, so the element of thrill would naturally be quite high :D

@xokookiebts said: I swear im choking. If her baby gets hurt, im breaking my phone i stg. I will sue min yoongi. That little shit.

Please don’t break your phone! I hope that everything works out for you in the story c: thank you for reading my love!

[athleisure-aesthetic]

Ugh I did the thing again where I was busy all week and forgot to post on here. So here’s a lightning fast recap of my workouts from the past week, if you care at all. I actually think I worked out (ish, except Friday kinda) every day which is a first in a while. Bless.

Tues Mar 21 Abs and shopping. I went home after work to get my car so that I could drive to trainings the next two days, but went out to Target as soon as I got home, cause duh. Stupid idea to try on like real clothes tho, my self-conscious ass was like ohhhhh no way you need to tighten up those saddle bags and that back fat before you get any of this. So. I got a crop sweatshirt and athletic leggings, felt bad about myself but hadn’t had dinner, so I went to Wawa. Woof.

3x each 15 reps straight leg raises 15 reps roll ups leaning camel x 45s bird dogs x 45s 60 reps heal touches plank 35s, 40s, 45s 10 reps assisted push up 40 reps russian twists 8# alternating superman 1 min 15 reps single leg pulses

Wed Mar 22 Run on the trail after this horrific training class in which I was literally the only student for an all day session. And I had to go back the next day 😩 went to Marshall’s before my run to see if I could find any cold weather gear bc I only had my sweatshirt, gloves, wool earwarmers, and thin leggings. Didn’t find any of that, but got those AMAZING NEON PINK LEGGINGS IN THAT ONE PICTURE and some other ones too. You know me, can’t stay away from that athleisure ish.

It was hella freezing and took me so long to warm up once I started on the trail. Fortunately it was so picturesque and my music was bangin so. I survived.

2.78 mi 9'55" min / mi

Thurs Mar 23 6 x 200m sprints on the trail. Bless up, convinced my instructor to finish early bc tbh he was not really all that helpful once I started following the book that was included, so I went to the mall and got some more athleisure (deh), cheap sunglasses, athletic ear warmers for $.50 each, a VERY cute lightweight rain jacket, and (!!!!!) these black leather slip-on sneakers I’ve been looking for for like 6 months. I just caved and got the name brand ones but stILl omg I’m so excited about them I finally found them.

Started the sprints in the cotton leggins I was wearing, then after like maybe 9 or 10 strides I was like oh FUCk no they suddenly lost all their elasticity and I was having to pull them up for my life. So after completely embarrassing myself hoisting those mothereffers up for my first sprint, I jumped in the car and changed into spandex pants, then zoomed back to the trail start and actually did my workout. Good thing my house is only 8 minutes away from that part of the trail.

I think I may have mis-read what my Nike app was telling me to do, but I’m pretty sure it said to do 6 x 200m sprints with 4:45 min in between. So that’s essentially what I did, I sprinted for the 200m and ran / jogged in between. Although the app only recorded the distance for the sprints, I wanna say I did a little more than the day before, since I went further on the trail. I hate that you can’t go back and check what it told you to do; you only see how you actually ran according to the app. Lame af. Though I was proud, I increased my sprint speed at almost every length except the 3rd.

0.77mi 6'59" min / mi (lol can’t believe I actually ran a mile faster than that at one point in my life holy shit)

Fri Mar 24 No real workout here, since I had to leave work early to take the train back to le Nova for Palooza. I scarfed down a Snap pizza (the classic spot) right before the show, and somehow stayed away from the dangers of late night college food. Though I did get all my steps in my showing one of our friends’ home friend around campus, and apparently that little tour counted for a nice brisk walk. Obvi the Snovas killed it, as a great opener for what my friends and I dubbed AcaWeekend. Saturday they’d be competing at ICCA regional semifinals #pitchperfect for the first time ever, which was so exciting. Palooza the day before was just their warmup, but fortunately we got to see two new songs from them. It kinda sucked for them though bc they went first out of the seven groups and the sound guys always need a few groups to warm up before they actually refine the balance, and they just sounded muddled. Womp. Oh well. Everyone knows they’re/we’re the best anyway. Proud alum.

Sat Mar 25 Run in the morning before the day’s festivities. This was a quick workout before most of the humans who stayed in my apartment became humans, a brief mile ish to the waterfront and back. I realized I’d been wearing a blueish shirt and black leggings in literally all of my pics lately so I spiced it up with these fun stripey ones. Lol.

We adventured to brunch, where I had a yummy spinach and goat cheese salad with fig dressing, and wandered around the city for the afternoon before we had to head to semis. I splurged on Hunger Burger at RTM because I told myself that this was my indulgence for the weekend, and I wasn’t going to be drinking anymore for the next few months (it’s not like I do it that often anyway, I just want to try it to see how it helps my training/weight loss, if at all), so I got a specialty thin mint shake. Woops. Honestly, it was so worth it though, and I didn’t even end up eating most of the fries anyway, so it wasn’t the worst I could’ve done.

At semis, there were literally so many good groups and we were all like oh shit how are they going to stack up?? But Snovas SLAYED even better than they did last time and ENDED UP IN THIRD PLACE WHICH IS THE CRAZIEST BEST HONOR WE’VE EVER GOTTEN AND IT’S JUST SO COOL!!!!! A cappella is the shit, guys, I swear. I’m so proud of those kiddos, and they get to submit a wildcard video for a chance at Finals in NYC which is like legitimately insane. They’re somewhere in the top 18-27 groups in the country right now, and coming from a school where we legit don’t have music majors and a joke of a music activities staff / support, this coulD NOT be cooler. They murdered it. And so did all the other groups at semis, like damn. We weren’t even sure anything was gonna happen for them, but they clearly did some things right. Ugh so obvi we celebrated when we got back to Philly, going to a few bars and ending up at Frankford, where we got some amazing soft pretzels and other snacks. Best day ever.

1.26 mi 9'21" min / mi

1.32 mi 10'03" min / mi

Sun Mar 26 Long ish run and relaxing. Got up and was worried about the weather forecast for Monday because I was supposed to be doing my long run for next week then, and it was going to be torrentially downpouring all day, so I was hoping to switch my days because the weather was decent enough that I could’ve done it on Sunday. But then I updated my app and A, it changed my schedule for this week anyway, and B, I remember I could’ve moved it anyway if I wanted to. So instead I went and did that 5K Sunday challenge thing that it introduced. And I ran back from there, so it actually was closer to the 5 miles I had wanted to do anyway. So ya.

I felt a little subconscious in these leggings because, though they are a spectacularly bright and amazing color, they also show my cellulite on the back of my legs… but I thought, fuck it, people will see me, and if they give me a look, I’ll just push harder and show them that cellulite means nothing if you’re fast and capable and strong. So. I used it to empower me, I guess.

Spent the rest of the day relaxing and watching ICCA videos, still hyped up on the Snovas victory. Legit it’s still coming to me in waves, it’s actually incredible.

3.11 mi 9'41" min / mi

1.53 mi 9'44" min /mi

Mon Mar 27 Full body circuit and a benchmark run. Work is starting to bore me so much lol on Monday I think I may have done approximately 2 work related things all day, otherwise I was just distracted. I decided to do a NTC workout and then my benchmark, so I chose Body Flexor 2.0, which worked a lot of different areas and was pretty fun. Then I ran on the treadmill for my benchmark for the first time, which was weird knowing my exact speed at certain times and being able to force myself to a certain pace. If I have to do it that way again, next time I’ll just cover the numbers and just focus on how it feels to push hard. The picture up there is me literally dying because of how sweaty I was. Plus fun leggings from Marshall’s.

1.54 mi 9'49" min / mi

Tues Mar 28 Abs / some arms, plus 20 minutes on the elliptical. I was an idiot today, and not only forgot a hair tie after my shower, but I left my phone at home, which I realized too late in the elevator on the way to work. Nice. So I had to go without both all day, though Kelly let me borrow a hair tie so I could work out thank GoD cause I was looking at using a legit rubber band, which would’ve been awful. The moves I chose for abs today ended up also working my arms a lot, which was nice to combo them. Because I didn’t have my phone, I just kind of had to make up my elliptical workout, which was meh but whatever. Next time I’ll be prepared. That’s definitely not my favorite type of cardio anyway.

Tonight I made these AMAZING baked zucchini fries, I probably could’ve eaten like 90 million in one sitting they were so crunchy and good. My sweet potato fries didn’t turn out so good (I actually burned the shit out of them, but I’m going to attempt to eat them tomorrow for lunch anyway 🙃) but I’m happy I’m trying new things in the kitchen, even if it’s taking me like 3 hours each time lolol.

I’m down a few pounds from last week, though, which is kind of nice! A little affirmation after working hard every day.

3x each 15 reps dumbbell side bends alt. sides 8# 15 reps twisting core stabilizers alt. sides 8# 15 reps bow extensions alt. sides 8# 15 reps woodchops 8# 10 reps windmills 5# 40 reps russian twists 8# 30 s plank 7 reps full extension inch worms 15 reps in-&-outs

Wooooof I’m going to try to post more often now that I’m all caught up. Lol it may last for a day but you know. #Goals.

[dorianpavus]

WELL FOLKS sorry i haven’t been around i’ve been super busy with work!!! here’s some updates!!!!

work updates!! d&d updates (the irl campaign, not the internet one)!!!

work life has been.... really rough the past few days!!!!!! like. damn. i’ve made some great friends at work (one of my friends was saying how he thinks i was like Meant To Be In His Life and he says he’s never met anyone as Good as me or as Unique as me and while i don’t agree i’m so honored and happy he thinks so u know he’s wonderful!!!! gosh!!!)

buuuuuuuuut.... like ok. i was scheduled for a clopen shift last night and today. so like, 4pm-12ish and then 8:00am-4ish, which i was already pretty bummed about. and then i found out that the person who was supposed to do the Operator shift (which involves a lot of work) the day before me color coded the hangers instead of.......... doing her job............. on a saturday............................. so i had to do an entire weekend’s worth of work this morning. and i knew that was coming, and i was already like GOD. WHY. a clopen and this?

but then saturday night, last night... there’s a new closing manager. he just got promoted. i didn’t know anything about him really, but i’d heard my team say how much they all hated him just from working with him in the past, and i guess he was brand new at the management position and Really Fucking Intense because he wanted everything to be perfect. but like i was focused in my areas and making them look super good (even on a saturday night which isn’t easy lol), except for like the diaper aisle which is always a little messy bc it gets ransacked. but i had put everything away and it looked like... fine lol. and the infants food aisle has been messy for like months bc it would take hours alone to fix so like.... no one ever has hours just to clean it. so it stays that way and has been that way 5ever. we keep it as clean as we can but like... it’s not Perfect looking. not bad, but not Perfect, and that’s the way it literally ALWAYS IS.

WELL. the new manager is from a different department and he has NEVER been over in my department. until now. and at the end of the night after the store closed he came running over and was like absolutely frantic and angry and was like WHO HAD INFANTS????????????? and i was like, um... me? very confused? and he was like, in front of everyone as we’re about to clock out, DID YOU NOT FINISH WTF HAPPENED?????? WHY IS IT SUCH A MESS?????

and i was really confused cause my area was like. pristine. and i even finished early and helped out in another area of the store. like. what???? so i thought maybe a customer had spilled something as they were leaving the store and i had somehow missed it? so as everyone else leaves he forces me to go back to infants with him and he’s like pointing at some of the diapers that are like. slightly askew or not Perfectly Straight and he’s like yelling at me like “WTF!!!!! DOES THIS LOOK DONE TO YOU?????????”

and i’m just looking at him in utter confusion cause like.... he has CLEARLY never ever worked softlines, lmao. but i was like in my head, honestly? yes, it does? like it could be zoned a little more, definitely!! but it’s not like... bad looking at all? at all? like my main boss from my department walked my areas all night and she said they looked good, so idk wtf he was on, but he was FREAKING OUT. because he was just promoted, and so he needed everything to be like factory-perfect because he wanted to look good in front of the store manager, who he’s super intimidated by.

well. lol. i was being super nice to him, and letting him yell at me, and like, “yeah, of course! this should be neater, i’m sorry, it was really busy tonight and i didn’t get to spend as much time back here as i would have liked.” which is true. like 98% of my areas were pristine, and 2% were average. lmao, so i still did a great job, but i was trying to be sympathetic to the fact that he was new and nervous and wanted to make a good impression, even if he was kind of treating me like crap. so i let him keep me at work after everyone else left and helped tidy up those two aisles that he was sooooo upset about, and then he had me leave and go do some of his work for him up at the front. and i was standing up there really upset that he had yelled at me over nothing and then made me stay at work alone and do his work for him when one of the other managers saw me up there as she was leaving and she was like ?????? katie???????// what are you doing here?????????????

and i was like “soandso is having me do this for him...” and she was like WTF!!! get outta here!!!!! go home clock out u don’t have to do that. like leave!!!!!

so i did, and i got home and was kind of upset still (i cried like the second i left the store lol) and was like pretty glum about it all (and dreading my opening shift that was now less than 8 hours away with a whole weekend’s worth of work waiting for me, yay!!!).... and then i couldn’t sleep. like i couldn’t sleep that night so i just DIDN’T SLEEP AT ALL. AT. ALL. not for a minute. before i had to go back to the store.

so i get there in the morning, and i’m trying really hard to be positive and put that behind me. like, that was last night, you’re tired af but you can do this katie!!!!!! it’s ok!!!! you got this!!! and i actually started to cheer up because i was BLAZING through all my piles of work and like........... got all of it done and it was making me super happy that i had singlehandedly caught my department back up to speed and everything.... and i was just like i’m good!!!!!!! i got this!!!!!!!! 

......... and then at 2:30pm my sorta-boss came in. a lower ranking boss, the one who had been there with me the night before and had confirmed that there hadn’t been anything wrong with my areas, CERTAINLY nothing warranting the new manager’s hysterics. and she was like omg katie..... he is TELLING EVERYONE, like ALL THE HIGHER UPS, that my area was a DISASTER last night and saying how he had to stay late and clean it all up (not mentioning that i stayed and helped him tilt diaper boxes so they were perfectly aligned in my area since that was sooooo~~~ terrible~~~~, or how i did his job stuff for him, lmao), and saying how i had apparently told him i “don’t zone HBA” as in i literally supposedly told my boss that i never do my job???????????? because that is completely believable????????

but the worse part is is that a bunch of the store managers believed him. lol. even though he’s literally fabricating things i said and exaggerating and twisting this situation just to make himself look good. over something super fucking insignificant... and when my boss came up to bat for me and was like WHAT?????????? her areas were fine i checked them myself!!!!!!!!! and he had her stay and tidy it up anyway with him too, it’s not like she left and he had to clean up some imaginary mess of hers!!!! and she helped him do his stuff!!!!! and she would neeeeeeever have said that, and i asked her, and she swears she didn’t anyway!!!!!!!

and i was like... <333333 thank u!!!!!!!! but the other store manger she was defending me to was like... in one ear and out the other. and all, like, “well, soandso said that she said that. so she must have.” despite everything that my boss was saying to defend me. and pointing out that he was LITERALLY LYING. like 2 ppls words against his, but he’s the higher ranking manager, so clearly he’s telling the truth. ughhhhhh.

well when i found out that he was telling my whole place of employment that i was apparently terrible at my job and a terrible person who doesn’t give a fuck about my job here i got pretty upset!!! especially after no sleep!!! and i hadn’t had anything to eat all day!!! like actually nothing!! so like it’s towards the end of my shift and i start like tearing up hiding in the room adjacent to the fitting room and trying to get myself to calm down...

and then my friend (the one who said those nice things 2 me, the security guard i love so much!!!) came by and he was like WHY ARE YOU CRYING??????? and like super upset that i was upset, and he was trying to calm me down/figure out what was wrong/help but it was so so embarrassing to be crying in front of him godddddd, like AT WORK crying. jesus.

and then another coworker of mine saw me crying too. and now another coworker of mine just messaged me on FB saying he heard about everything and he’s furious on my behalf (which i’m really happy there’s ppl on my side here and some people believe me...) and stuff but i’m like 100% positive the fact that i was crying has probably made its way around work which i’m just... so humiliated by

god. i have tomorrow off work so i’m looking forward to not being there because it’s kind of making me miserable right now. like who does that!!!!!!!!!!!!!! the area looked fucking fine, why are you trying to make this huge thing and throw me under the bus just for.. what? to make yourself look like... a self-sacrificing person? a leader who will do anything for the store? idk. it’s so shitty!!!!

but whatever. :(

i was also SUPER SUPER tired cause after work i had to run home and go straight into my first d&d session, like our actual playing!!!

and omg!!!! omg friends it’s sooooo fuuuun!!!!! just.... i forgot all my exhaustion and bad work things and was just elated while i was playing. it’s the BEST. and i rolled like a million natural 20s and played super smart!!!!!!!!! asra is killin it!!!!!!!!!!! :3

anyway it’s now 2:47 am and despite like an accidental 10 minute nap i had on the couch when i got home from d&d  i’m still awake. it’s been so long since i slept lol???. and my brother bought me like an entire pizza to cheer me up???????? lmao. also cause i went like 24 hours without food which was..... bad. god. what a horrible no good dirty rotten day this was. except for d&d. d&d was amazing.

anyway. i’m gonna go put away my leftovers and pet my kitty and then watch critical role as i drift off. :) 

sorry i haven’t been around much!!! or posting much!! my dash has been pretty MIA lately too which doesn’t help. i’ll try and get a queue up and running. i love u all and i hope things are goin well in ur lives too!!! <333333333

[somethingsimilartosnow]

back on my bullshit

hello tumblr

wow my online diary coming to a full circle here! Haven’t posted on this page since maybe I was ... 20? Well, hello, here I am, now 24, and life has HAPPENED. I just am so in need of a place to write down my thoughts, my feelings, my life happenings, so it’s not just all scrambled up in my head to spew at my therapist every other Tuesday. So therefore, we turn to the beautiful world of tumblr and my ~secret blog~. I once thought this was so edgy and risky and what if anyone found this (even though I wanted everyone to find it at one point technically) and now I just need a table to vomit my emotions all over!

Anywho - today I’m here to talk about, not Tyler, not Rob (DEFINITELY not Rob, but maybe I will write all about him when I’m ready to, just for my record keeping), but a man named Dillon. Now I met Dillon about 2/2.5 weeks ago on a dating app (gotta love hinge lol - yes past self, you did have to resort to online dating for a time at least!!! will keep ya updated as to how THAT goes) and we met up at Crooked Can on a beautiful, sweaty summer evening. 

Now I should preface - the harmonious timing of everything falling into place whence meeting Dillon is just uncanny. We had exchanged some quick back and forth messages via this ‘app’ and he said he’d be back from Boston in about a week, and he’d text me when he returned to set up a time to meet. Pretty forward considering we had pretty much only talked about pineapple definitely belonging on pizza how he didn’t understand what I do for work. So I thought ‘uh ok!’ and didn’t stress. At this time, I was still so hung up on ROB (stupid! rob!) that I didn’t really think about Dillon much. Then occured That Fateful Night(TM) with Rob, at the Guest House, with a Hummingbird (this is my play on the game Clue! It’s funny - future me will think I’m a smug comedic genius). INSERT STORY ABOUT THAT FATEFUL NIGHT HERE - coming in a post soon maybe idk lol. OKAY ANYWAYS. Saturday morning, I woke up, went to Star Wars land - I have a cool job - and messaged Rob, being mature and wanting to talk things through. Several housed passed, no response, several more hours, no response, and next thing I knew it was Sunday morning and I had never heard from him. My heart clenched into a writhing ball of stress anxiety over the unknown - what did this man now think of me? What did I do wrong? What’s wrong with me? No, no, no - WHAT’S WRONG WITH HIM? But you know who I did receive a message from that same Saturday? You guessed it - Dillon. 

Yes, this is still a story about Dillon and not about Rob, that’s where we pick up at the Crooked Can the following Thursday evening.

Having pretty much laid my anxieties about Rob aside, I was preparing to unfriend, unfollow, and detach myself from him that coming weekend. In the mean time, I primped and puffed myself to go meet this man, who I knew virtually nothing about except that he worked in marketing. I made myself a drink, drove to the bar, and 4 hours later, was fairly surprised. ‘Not usually the type of guy I go for, but very nice and obviously a good person,’ I thought to myself. In reality, I couldn’t believe I had gone on a second successful first date in a matter of months! Me! A dating girl! What is going on! So we exchanged some pleasantries as we walked to our cars, he hugged me and we parted ways. 

Cut to about a week later, we both are looking forward to seeing eachother again and decide to grab some food, head to a rooftop bar, and just hang out. It’s easy with Dillon. I don’t stand waiting for him and wonder if he’ll like me that time or if he will freakout and want to leave. I don’t have heart-writhing-and-wrenching anxiety leading up to seeing him. It’s simply fun and exciting. (OMG HES SO CUTE TOO AND LIKE STRONG??? HE HAS MUSCLES??? I am HARDLY ATHLETIC so idk what is happening!!!!!!) So here we are back in downtown Winter Garden, munching away chatting eachother’s ears off, and just having a good ol’ time. He was suggesting I come running with him and his close friend/almost roommate that weekend (lol um no? no, running with a cute athletic boy is a recipe for embarrassment - and I already just naturally embarrass myself anyways so lets not put myself in a situation to force even more of that um thanks byeyeyye). I was busy that day luckily, but I invited him to come and see a 90′s cover band with my work friends and I at the House of Blues - next day. A little bold to suggest he’d want to see me two nights in a row, and I suppose even more bold just throwing it out there that I’d want to see him two nights in a row. I mean, we’ve only known eachother for a week, let’s not be crazy! He says ‘you know, I’m watching the UFC fight with my friend,’ and my heart softens a little and I understand he’s busy, has his own life, etc. etc. Then he says, ‘But let me see if he’d want to do that instead.’

CUT TO - INT. HOUSE OF BLUES BALCONY.

We’re dancing! We’re vibing! And we’re having such a great time! He is kind and sweet, he’s holding my hand and has his hand on my back and everything is beautiful. I have my left hand on his right shoulder, and my chin is resting on top of my hand. He says something snappy looking right at my eyes, and I’m looking at his and he quickly glances at my lips.

God, I love kissing. I love it almost more than any other physical thing. I love learning how other people kiss, I love that scratchy feeling of a man’s face at the end of the day all prickly against my skin. I love feeling their jaw and their tongue and their body against mine. I love the tension of it - what happens next? How far do we go tonight? How much can I make you want me? All of this relates to later so please consider this a footnote (1).

House of Blues is great - and I can tell I’m going to see him again. As we’re walking to get our uber, I say to him something silly about the stars and the universe and everything in life coming together and “intersecting” I say.

“Intersecting?” He repeats.

“Intersecting.”

“Intersexing? Rachael!” 

I curl my lower lip over my teeth and say, “That...is NOT what I said.” Boldly, I decide to say to him, “You have something on the mind, Dillon?”

He giggles and takes a pause, “Oh I’ve got a lot on my mind. Most of them are about you, some of them aren’t.” The tension hangs in the air like a bioluminescent force stringing us together as we’re walking in front of the group. “Mainly how you didn’t take me to Star Wars!” He exclaims, cutting the tension with a knife, and we’re back where we started.

So that’s Saturday, we kiss goodnight and he drives him and his friend home. And here’s the good news, I do hear from him again.

Not being able to drink beer, as I inevitably get sick every single time I consume it for some godforsaken reason!, I tell him he must come to my house, retrieve the drink, and help me clear out my fridge. (holy crap this post is long, sorry future self, especially if it all goes south after i post this lol yikes crispies) So here we are again, on a Thursday evening, almost exactly two weeks from the day we first met (actually, exactly two weeks) and I am yet again primping and puffing myself to see him. This is yesterday btw!!!

I couldn’t believe how far I had moved from Rob - completely cutting him out and him doing the same to me caused incredible healing for my heart. I have to tread lightly though, because I now know how I react to things in relationships and how strongly they can affect me. That’s why I have my intuition, though. She guides me through all of the struggles in my life. Maybe it’s the holy spirit. Can’t confirm - will do more research and get back to you.

He arrives, and we eat dinner. Well, I really hardly eat anything because I’m talking so much or so intently listening to him talk that I essentially forgot the plate of food was right in front of me. He offers to do the dishes - which is very kind. I refuse, though, and vow to myself that I must do them tomorrow. I should probably also note that I had two drinks prior to him coming because I wanted to be loose and relaxed and have fun! In my own home. We’re hoping this doesn’t tumble out of control. Hahaha! Anyways!!!

First and foremost following dinner, he teaches me how to bat, weird. But funny, I hit out of the park and we high five and settle on the couch. We ramble and go on and on about the cars we drive, or the work we do, or the music we listen to. He loves Mumford and Sons, and he puts on the Lumineers as the score to our conversation. We watch some silly comedy shows that we tell eachother about, and I am giggle central (three drinks in at this point I guess?). I goto the restroom, and decide there while staring into my bathroom mirror, I have to ask him about the dating world and what he does and why he does it.

 Dating is tricky - people are under no obligation to be with you and you alone. And with someone like Dillon, he is so outgoing and extroverted that I could only assume he’s fairly um, unmonogamous? Spelling? He spent 4 years in a bad relationship where the girl ended up as a lesbian at the end of it, so I can only imagine he just wants everything to lay low for a few years in terms of commitment and really tying yourself to someone. 

So I flounce out of the bathroom and plop myself on the couch, my legs twisted up and I’m curled into a ball - which I still am surprised I can do with the size of my legs, but I suppose it makes me feel small in a comforting way. “So, I’m going to ask you a more serious question, and it’s kind of weird and I don’t want you to freak out,” I say.

“Ask away.” (Um this is all conjecture bc I’m a little tipsy at this moment so - not while typing this, I mean at the time I brought this up last night)

Essentially, I asked him (I could never be an author, my tenses are all mixed up) if he dates monogamously, what his vibe is right now with it all, if he is into me I guess?

This is going to get a little more mish mashed and less narrated because I kind of just need to write all of this part down to get it on the table and survey it all. I’ll let you know when we’re getting back to the fun narrated part. 

He said he usually dates around, he can’t really commit to anything right now. His life is very busy and hectic and whatever, but that he is really enjoying hanging out with me. He said “You know, it’s not for like the sex or the attention, it’s to know people and meet people and make connections.” He kept saying, “I just don’t want you to get hurt, I don’t want you to get hurt,” and I kept saying “Okay, listen, I know myself, I know my boundaries, I know where to draw my own lines.” At one point he even said “It’s so sexy how well you know yourself.” THAT GOT MEEEEE. He said the last girl he dated, their 5 year plans really didn’t line up - she wanted to be married expecting children in two years (she was older - 28), and Dillon, being a 24 year old, young, attractive man was obviously not about that! He knew he has to end it because it wasn’t lining up. I said to him that I think it’s perfectly fair for him to date around, it’s perfectly fine for him to say all of this, and I didn’t say this, but I really was not at all surprised that he said any of this. Like I said, it’s fitting with who he is and his character. I guess I get nervous that he kept saying “I don’t want to hurt you,” or “I don’t want you to get hurt.” As though he feels he will inevitably do so or? Unsure. That’s what Rob kept saying on That Fateful Night(TM), which is why I feel a little triggered by it I guess. So the next question I asked, and I prefaced with “Just because I’m curious, and I want to know where you’re at, are you currently seeing anyone else?” He took a pause. “No, I’m not right now. I don’t know, when I met you something just clicked.” My heart fluttered. “You’re very different than the type of girls I usually date, but I like that.” I reassured him - you are no arrogant artsy jerk who’s going to just up and ghost me - so I also am in the same boat. I said to him that that’s kind of the beauty of it, and meeting new people that are so different than you and connecting with them is so wonderful. He said that his friend said something like “Wow, so you’re seeing this girl two nights in a row?” and he kind of was like “Uh, oh yeah I guess so!” kind of insinuating that there’s something special and different happening here. He said, “I’m enjoying myself, you’re enjoying yourself, obviously this is going well, let’s just take it slow.” I agreed, but uhhh you know. I’m trying to make out with him a little obviously and so somehow it got brought up, and I said, “I mean, we can just have fun, make out a little, right?” And he smiled, “Yeah, we can do that.”

Ok and I think this is where I’m going to try and be narrative again! Dang, am I a novelist chica?

I leaned in and kissed him, his scratchy face pressing into mine. It’s slow and intimate at first - and we fully know what we’re getting into. His mouth is minty and refreshing (almost like...he ALSO was wanting to makeout....hmmmmmmm.....) and he’s kissing me so wonderfully and I love the way his lips feel against mine. My right leg gently slides over his lap and his arms are wrapping around my waist and I go up. His hands move over my belt loops and around my hips and to my stomach, and mine are holding his jaw to mine and I don’t want him to ever let go. We look at each other and he’s smiling at me. I bite my lower lip. And then he says THE MOST DIRECT THING A MAN HAS MAYBE EVER SAID TO ME “I do want to have sex with you...” OH MY GOD?! “Ok, so what are we going to do?” I respond. He kisses me again, “We’re going to wait. I’m going to see you again.” “Okay,” I say and lean in and start kissing him again. I may at one point have said “I want to rip all of your clothes off,” but uhhhh we’ll deal with that another time hehe. I pull back and look at him, and startled he yells, “WOO okay time to go before anything else happens!” I get off of him and he puts his arm over his head, his eyes large and shocked. Quickly, he stands up, adjusts his shirt, pushes his hair back and says (again OH MY GOD) “Gonna walk downstairs with a boner!” OH MY GOD?!!! 

“Sorry...” I say, obviously not sorry, obviously very satisfied with myself. “Okay, I’ve gotta go, I will see you. I need to leave now.”

We kiss goodbye, and then I holler at him down the stairs to come grab the beer his friend left at my place. He comes up and takes it, leans in and kisses me again, and down the stairs he goes.

And that’s it. That’s where we are now. Here I am this morning, letting the Lumineers serenade my creative work flow as I try to calm myself down from the um, excitement of last night. I need to be careful, and I need to protect myself. I am saying I can protect myself and I need to make sure that’s true. I’m not going to stop living my life the way I always do. Tonight, I’m seeing Erin, tomorrow, I’m getting brunch with my girlfriends and then going to game night at Kayla’s apartment, and Sunday, I’m going to church. This is my life and he is a fun addition that I’m so excited about. Oh my god!

[icefireeclipse]

Ice’s Annual Post for 2018

So here is my annual post of everything that I did over the course of 2018. Now one major change in this post from last year and the year before is that, I only updated this post at the end of the month instead of gradually as these events occurred. Which means that some events that may have happened at the end of the month are among the first on the list, so basically it’s all scrambled.

 Now I know with certainty that each of these events happened in the corresponding month, as I otherwise didn’t even post it so I believe for next year (if I’m still on Tumblr) I won’t do that again and go back to updating these in chronological order.

Without further ado, here’s the list! 

January:

Purchased a few games on Steam for the Winter Sale

Played through Season 8 of Overwatch

Signed up for a Payment plan for my college

Watched Moana for the 1st time

Ordered a tax return transcript with my dad’s help

Played Go fish with Uno Cards for the 1st time

Tried homemade coleslaw for the 1st time

Started University at a 4 year college for the 1st time

Got my Certificate from my tech college in the mail

My sister got a new car: A 2006 Volkswagen Beetle/bug? idk

I renewed my driver’s license

I now have a regular license instead of a probationary one

Got my liquor licence for my job 

Got a car wash for the 1st time this year

I got a new purse and knee length boots as an early birthday present

February

Had really bad insomnia on the morning of my birthday

Officially end my teenage years

Got a fuck ton of gift cards on my birthday!

Joined my 1st club at campus

Played What do you Meme for the 1st time

Found out that I’m suffering from chronic stress

Went to IT on campus and finally got access to the computers there

Had my history class cancel twice in two weeks

FINALLY WENT TO THE DOCTOR FOR MY HANDS THANK GOD!

Got diagnosed with eczema and got cream for it

Watched some of the Winter Olympics

Hands are finally improving after 11 months of dry bleeding hands

Started watching Yugioh for the 1st time

Downloaded Yugioh Duel Links on my phone

Began sinking into Yugioh hell

Played Scribblenauts for the 1st time (check name later)

Went to a Study Abroad fair on Campus

Went to Olive Garden for a late birthday dinner

Tried Calamari for the 1st time

Discovered that I may be able to drop out of my math class

Wrote a poem for the 1st time in a long time

Changed my phone homescreen

Made some homemade essential oils for the 1st time

March

Watched the live action Fullmetal Alchemist movie

Found out my dad got a Sheltie puppy for his birthday

Dropped out of remedial math after passing the placement exam

Met with my advisor for Fall Semester classes

Got free pizza from some business at work kinda randomly

Played and beat Life is Strange Before the Storm

Stressed about Midterms

Watched Black Panther in theaters 

Took the midterms for the 1st time since AP Bio in high school

Spent most of my Spring Break working

Bought a Sudoku book for myself just because

Used my job’s carwash for the 1st time

Got an Ultimate Car wash for the 1st time

Played Brigitte on Overwatch for the 1st time

Played The Moon Sliver for the 1st time

April

Got some candy for Easter/April Fool’s Day

Played through Season 9 of Overwatch Comp

Watched Spiderman: Homecoming

Bought a faux leather body con dress for the 1st time

Bought makeup for the 1st time

Finally got to go to prom: Queer Prom! 

Finally got the chance to wear my prom dress

Attempted to play Rise of the Tomb Raider...my computer can’t run it without horrible frame drops....

Started playing Dragon Age Origins: Ultimate Edition

Got Yugioh Duel Links on Steam

Got the okay to to buy a Playstation 4 after the semester is over

Worked with two minors in a row at my job

Had to go to work and prom in a fucking blizzard in the middle of April...

My gas station closed the north station for the first time since I worked there due to said blizzard

Watched the 636th episode of The Simpsons

Wore lipstick in public for the 1st time

Played through the first few minutes of Realmyst: Masterpiece Edition

Started hearing wedding plans for my dad and stepmom

My dad got surgery for his hernia, was successful

May

Went to see Infinity War in Theaters

Was elected into council for the LGBT+ club I’m in on campus

Saw the new Steven Universe episodes

Bought Tongue in Cheek, I suppose is my 1st NSFW purchase ever

Also bought pasties for the first time

Worried about finals and took my finals 

Passed all of my finals (A, A- and a B+ to be exact)

Started my Interim course about Modern American history

Got straight A’s in the 2 exams for that class that were in May

Purchased a Playstation 4 Slim and 4 PS4 games

Car battery died on campus so I was stranded there for 2 hours

Got my haircut at a salon for the 1st time in a long while

Bought a funeral dress and attended a funeral for my mom’s boyfriend’s mother

Someone left an old box TV at the car wash at work. That was interesting

My sister fainted at a baseball stadium while singing the national anthem and had to be hospitalized for dehydration, she later was released a few hours later 

Went to that same sister’s high school’s graduation a few days later

Went to see Deadpool 2 in Theaters

Returned the 1st set of my textbooks that I rented 

Found out what role I’m going to have in my father’s wedding

June

Kinda forgot about June oh shit

Took my last exam of my spring semester

Passed with straight A’s in my Interim class

Rewarded myself by hooking up my brand new Playstation 4

Finally got to play Until Dawn, ended up killing Emily and Sam 

Started playing Rise of the Tomb Raider on PS4

Played Overwatch on PS4 for the 1st time

Got invited and later attended grad party for friend from high school

Spent most of June either playing PS4 or going to work

Started working on weekdays again for the 1st time since January

Introduced Steven Universe to my step-siblings, currently watching Season 1

Made dinner for my step-family for the 1st time, a chicken alfredo recipe from Tasty

Bought fireworks for the 1st time by myself

My mom’s boyfriend got a new puppy, Bella, without telling anyone

Played Gone Home on PC for the 1st time

Bought about 70 dollars worth of games during Steam’s Summer sale

Also bought a few games on PS4 during E3 sale

Watched Below her Mouth for the 1st time

Saw Deadpool 2 again, this time with my mom who wanted to see it

May or may not have started writing fanfiction again during this month

July

Ordered my textbooks

Started reading the Umineko no Naku Koro ni Question Arcs

Finished the 1st Question Arc and started the 2nd one

My dad’s dog got fixed in late July, went perfectly

Dentist appointment at end of the month

9 minutes late to work due to traffic

Went up north for a weekend

WENT TUBING FOR THE 1ST TIME IN 6 YEARS THIS IS A BIG DEAL! (am afraid of tubing on the water due to childhood trauma so this was huge for me)

Got to see my dog go swimming, she’s so good on the boat!

Watched the Steven Universe Heart of the Crystal Gems Bomb OMG

Saw White Diamond’s reveal

Commuted to Kitsune Kon 2018

Bought a whole bunch of posters

Finally bought a copy of Death Note Mafia after 5+ years

Went to the Ramen eating contest there

Bought a whole bunch of food for my step-siblings

August

Not much happened in August tbh

Finished the Umineko 2nd Question Arc

Went to work....uh yeah

My cat had a bladder infection and I thought he was going to die...scariest 4 days of the year

He recovered thank goodness

Went school supply shopping

Got a new backpack for the 1st time since junior year of high school

Received my new textbooks for the semester

Tried Chocolate Molten Lava and Pumpkin Spice lattes from Starbucks for the 1st time

Met with the council members of the LGBT+ club I’m in for the 1st time

Played through Undertale’s Neutral and True Pacifist Routes

Got an account on Chess.com for some reason

Went to see The Meg in theatres, loved it!

September

Went back to college/classes

Tried aligot for the first time

Also tried artichoke hearts for the 1st time

Got a tattoo appointment

Got my very first tattoo (to cover up a scar wound)

Had to wear a bandage on my left hand for 5 days due to said tattoo

Visited my campus’s LGBT Resource center for the 1st time

Started browsing for next semester’s classes

Started learning Japanese in an actual classroom for a change

I went from knowing zero hiragana/katakana to memorizing all hiragana and some katakana in one month!

Taking math hopefully for the last time

Got back into playing Rise of the Tomb Raider since July

October

Midterms in October....

Got a C+ on my math class but since I suck at math that’s okay with me

Everything else got A’s on 

October kind of went in the blink of an eye

Signed up for classes next semester

Wore a leather dress for Halloween just because I wanted to wear leather

Met with a faculty advisor

Had a Japanese Midterm that I did super well on! A+

Bought Hitman 2016 and played it for the 1st time

Bought Oxenfree which I’d been meaning to do for a while

Got a new umbrella from my mom

Discovered a Steven Universe White Diamond AU Blog

November

Donated to a Patreon for the 1st time

Finished Rise of the Tomb Raider (finally)

Started and finished playing Beyond Two Souls

Started playing Bloodborne (help me)

Went to a SAFE training session (that I realized halfway through I didn’t really need but got me out of work I guess)

Saw Ralph Breaks the Internet in theaters

Also saw Bohemian Rhapsody in theaters

Didn’t have to work at all on Thanksgiving break

Ate ham for the 1st time on Thanksgiving 

Went to a buffet restaurant for Thanksgiving for the 1st time

Had my 1st Japanese Oral examination (passed 96.75%)

My dad and stepmom got a cat, Shadow and then gave him away in less than 2 weeks (still bitter about it)

Had a thanksgiving dinner the Saturday after with my stepmom’s family for the 1st time

Saw She-Ra on Netflix for the 1st time

December

Got a pay raise at work

Went through the hell that was finals 

Passed all my classes thankfully (Two B’s, A- and an A) 

Finished taking my final math test

Now officially done with math in school!!! (passed with a B)

Got Guess Who and Connect Four for my step-siblings for Christmas

I got my sister a Webkinz retired Pegasus for Christmas, something she wanted since she was a child (really proud of that)

Got Sonic Forces/Mania, Dark Souls Remastered, Shadow of the Tomb Raider, Hitman 2, Quantic Dream Collection and for Christmas

Went to see Welcome to Marwen with my grandma for the 1st time

Played Cards Against Humanity with my family for the 1st time (that was an experience)

Also finally got my family to try out Death Note Mafia for the 1st time, which had mixed results but that’s okay :)

Fuel my car with gas went down to under $2 for the 1st time 

Finished Umineko’s 3rd question arc (finally) and started the 4th and last one

Started playing Sonic Forces for the 1st time

Got new windshield wipers on my car

Introduced my step-siblings to Tomodachi Life on the 3DS

Skimmed through the raw version of Junjou Romantica Act 48

Played Super Smash Bros Ultimate for the 1st time!