#okayokay. rant over. for now.

[amaraudermind]

I did something no one should ever do

[ghouldtime]

Hiii it's me again lol

Okayokay, so I just finished reading your rant on the COD fandom's unique choice of pet names, and I'm gonna be straight up and say I'm going completely off topic and INSTEAD veer off to a side thing you pointed out to give my own opinion! This is a kinda hot take so I'm just screaming into the void hoping someone shares my thoughts 🖤

Sooo we all know the Ghost comics released alongside the OG MW2. I personally haven't read it due to the TWs but I've seen enough screenshots and summaries to get the gist of what happens. HOWEVER I believe those comics are only canon to 09 Ghost and doesn't apply to reboot Ghost, and this is what I meant about it being a hot take cuz almost everyone in the fandom agrees the comics happens for both. And I can definitely see why! I mean, we didn't exactly get any concrete backstory regarding reboot Ghost, so anything goes.

Where I stand on the line, I'm a firm believer of reboot Ghost being Just A Guy™️like he had a (relatively) chill childhood but there are some things that stay the same with the comics. Like Tommy scaring him with the skeleton mask when they were children, and Simon enlisting after the 9/11 attack (not sure if those are canon, it's just what I've heard so please correct me if I'm wrong). No abusive father, no Roba, no Christmas trauma. Sure it makes him less interesting but I find it pretty amusing how the person wearing a skull print balaclava has no real reason behind wearing it other than it looking cool lmao

Anyway, yap fest over! Hope you have a wonderful day/night and remember to hydrate! 🖤

- Biscuits 🌺

SALUTATIONS it's good to see you again, I hope you're doing swell as well :D 💚💚💚

Technically, what you're saying is true!

The '09 comics pair with the '09 character and are indeed cannon for only him as far as I'm aware (someone feel free to correct me if I'm wrong). The reboot lacks a true significant backstory. As in, if you search it up, you basically get "he joined the SAS and is super cool and is great at doing cool soldier things and probably can do a sick backflip". What we know about the reboot is basically what we experience in game. And until we get either another game focusing on his earlier life or have confirmed scenes of it, we really don't know.

Personally, how I distinguish "Ghost" as a being is as three versions.

You have '09 Ghost. '09 Ghost is the one we experienced in the OG games and the comics. He's the dead one - and the one with the actual official backstory. Those are both cannon and are tied to him as a character.

You then have Reboot Ghost. Reboot Ghost is, as the name entails, the reboot alone. Basically, what we have of him and know of him is what we experience in game. Technically, we don't know his backstory and the full extent of his life. Is it similar to his '09 counterpart? We don't know. He's kinda the "What you see is what you get". There's some things implied with his dialog but most of his story is up for debate.

And then we have what I'm calling Fandom Ghost who is the most common variant. Fandom Ghost is neither the reboot nor the '09 version - he's a middle ground. He's what everyone is thinking of when you hear 'Ghost'. Usually how I've seen him portrayed is the reboot with the '09 backstory or some semblance of that.

(Side note: I know it's quite typical to specify when you're referring to '09 Ghost specifically because he does, of course, have a very different history and outcome. Not to mention, the dynamics with him and Soap are very different than in the reboot which is another reason why people usually clarify and go "This is who I mean")

I've never actually seen a TRUE reboot Ghost that wasn't fandom based or fanon in writing, now that I think about it. Probably because it's not that easy to write about a character in a limited sense where you don't know much about them and you have to stick to the limited material you're given.

A lot of COD operators lack a significant backstory outside of their military history. That's mainly done because they're videogame characters of a military, shooting focused game and they don't usually have the time to go into depth as to why that character is the way they are. They're primarily soldiers who are saving the world and playing their role. You might see snippets here and there but the focus isn't on their background or the inner workings of their character in a very personal way, aside from what is revealed on missions to add a natural perspective and make them see more human

Because it's not like in the middle of a life or death situation you're going to sit down and explain that you had a dog growing up, you had three sisters, your favorite drink is Baja Blast, and you have a lifelong fear of Burger King.

'09 Ghost, however, we GOT a backstory. We were given something to work with. Clinging to that or melding it with the reboot, who lacks a backstory, is what a lot do because it's trying to make use of the best source material we got until we can maybe get something else too. Personally I was a fan of that backstory because it DID add depth to him, significantly so. I liked it.

Additionally, I think a LOT of people go that route too because it's something that's quite easy to look up so they don't need to make something themselves

(This is an entire theory and me putting on my tinfoil hat: There's a lot of people in the COD fandom who are just here for the big beefy men and don't do their research, haven't played the games - they're just assuming things. And when they see the fandom Ghost, they just assume it's true, and it spreads when they write their own stories. I hope this doesn't read like I'm trying to gatekeep or 'HOW DARE YOU NOT KNOW EVERYTHING' or 'you're not a true fan unless-', cause I really really really do not care. Do what makes you happy, but I'm going to avoid reading what I feel mischaracterizes him for sexual purposes alone hardcore)

I also like to imagine that maybe the team doing the reboots has enough common sense too to not entirely scrap such a backstory as hey, it IS interesting, so there's a strong possibility that reboot might share some origins. Kidding, I'm being fully delusional here and know they won't do that and will likely just ruin it and I'm hoping they don't have a chance. I know any new one they come up with -like the writing in the last campaign -would be utter carbonated hot dog water and I do not trust them at alllllll. I'm refusing to accept reboot Soap's death but that's a rant for another time

That being said though, there's technically no correct backstory yet for Reboot! Ghost aside from what we already know. Anything that adds backstory or melds anything else to him is making him fanon/fandom!Ghost (which is by far the most common iteration and the one people default too)

I love when people give him, and other COD characters, happy or somewhat not dramatic backstories. They already have enough going on with the wars they're thrown in, I live for them having a scrap of happiness and normality. I can't blame people for not wanting to write or deal with heavy backstories and it's nice to see variety and is SO super valid.

But at the same time, I also do like his OG backstory, I love seeing when people dig deeper into the gritty stuff too, exploring that side of characters because not everyone has the best life growing up. And joining the military and when they join can be telling too about their home life

Variety is the variety of life and when there's not exactly a cannon, then I love seeing people make their own reasonings and conclusions and write fanfics with their own theories. It's SO fun to explore what other people think and it really results in some of the sweetest fics that dive more into depth than the official writing team ever could hope to

The Ghost that I write are usually AU Ghosts anyhow so it allows me more flexibility in what I write. BUT if I'm writing for Ghost, I do the blend where it has more of the '09's backstory but his reboot vibes. THAT BEING SAID

I love making him just, A Dude©, still despite that. Having a bad past doesn't make him any less of a person - nor does it make him this ultra mega tough dominant edgy sigma bad boy. He's literally just a GUY. Sure, he has extensive SAS experience and training to boot. Sure, he's easily one of their top soldiers. He's a stone cold killer when he's Ghost. He's there to do the job.

But Simon? Simon's just a dude, like everyone else - they all are at the end of the day. Sure, they have their own personal struggles and do have to go through a lot, but they're still people. He goes to the grocery store and is genuinely confused about all the options of milk now (how the hell did they milk HEMP). He still makes his bed and has to fight the fitted sheet to stay on, using his size and strength to force it in place before it can do 'the thing' that all fitted sheets somehow do. He bought a bird feeder so he could watch the wildlife as he drinks his tea for breakfast. Speaking of tea, he has a whole collection! And the good shit, you know he won't settle for any less.

He's just A DUDE© at the end of the day and I love those mundane things because hell, he needs them to still feel human and to be reminded exactly what he's fighting for

I just find it so silly and ridiculous when he's consistently like "I'M Batman: I AM THE NIGHT" sheer dramatic levels of broody in stories or when he's put in as this mega dommy bad boy who is 6'5", growling constantly, and is like the posterchild for a wattpad biketok fanfic.

Lmaooo be for real, he's out here doing arts and crafts to make his masks. He has a whole paint collection and everything. He went into the craft store for paint and came out with two new hobbies and no, I'm not listening to anyone who says otherwise

[bluewinnerangel]

Random question, but would you ever consider posting your Paul Simon / Harry rant whateveritis thing? As one of the few people I know who likes Paul Simon, I got really excited when you mentioned that. If not, that's okay, just curious if you were planning on posting it (would love to see it tho). I love your blog, have a nice day! :)

I KNOW. I KNOW. THAT THING HAS BEEN IN MY DRAFTS SINCE AUGUST. AUGUST. IT'S BEEN STARING AT ME. IT'S BEEN POKING ME. IT'S BEEN YELLING TO GET OUT.

AUGUST. It's N O V E M B E R.

Okayokay listenlisten imma just spill that draft now and maybe just get some of the missing input? Or maybe writing it out will help? regain motivation to finish that thing? I don't know. Like all the other stuff (TBSL anon of like 2 weeks ago you have no idea what you did to me skjalkaj I've been sweating over that you have no idea that will probably not go anywhere either) maybe it just needs a little push.

This long long longass draft is about Walking In The Wind and Girl Almighty being made out of Paul Simon. Paul Simon is their father. Sonically, lyrically, ridiculous massive inspiration there. Just. Blatant ripoffs. For WITW it's mentioned, Harry's talked about Graceland being the inspiration to WITW and yeah uh... that whole draft is just showing how that's very extremely true lol, but Paul Simon wasn't mentioned when it comes to Girl Almighty, and maybe there are more songs but I'm so overwhelmed with these two already and if there are they aren't as obvious as these. (but do have a Through The Dark x Bridge Over Troubled Water post already!)

I'm kinda stuck on the draft because Girl Almighty doesn't have any of the boy's writing credits on it. If it were to be anyone, it would be Harry, because he's the self proclaimed big Paul Simon fan, and I think no matter what I say people might just not care because it's not coming from the boys in a way that other songs are, and I want ppl to care, because I think this is all amazing. So I'm stuck trying to write this in a way it's like HEY PPL CARE ABOUT THIS klajaks just because I find it interesting and.. maybe it's just not? I don't know. Maybe I should just stop caring that people will enjoy the read and just unload my bullshit for whoever's willing to receiving it in whatever package it's in. That the boys don't have credits on a 1D song doesn't matter to me, because for one I've been listening to this song like a madman and I just wanna know what it's about regardless of which handful of mfers made it up, plus I think songwriters write with those who will be having to sing it in mind so it could be like.. for harry them, something they know they'll love, etc.

It's just.. I care too much about getting this draft right, because I think this absolutely sheds clarity on what both Walking in the Wind as well as Girl Almighty are about in a way that hasn't been shown/talked about before. It provide a whole bunch of pieces to the puzzle there, and its AMAZING, I love it SO MUCH I feel bad for sitting on it and just yelling about it to a few ppl, but then the thing is, I've not solved the entire puzzle there. It's not like "with this information I have figured out what Girl Almighty is about and I will now show you clearly and there's no way around it" askldjalk lol, kinda there but not quite, walking around with just one shoe, feeling a bit demotivated I can't find that middleground of making it interesting but at the same time avoiding that anticlimax of hey you just read an essay without a worthwhile conclusion other than I just love Paul Simon as much as all the persons that wrote on 1D songs.

anyway stream Graceland.

[raedas]

omg congrats nove *speaks into microphone* ive known nove since they were a smol little blog and they rbed my intro post, and i have watched them grow up, change urls and fandoms multiple times and GET 1K???? nove youre tumblr famous this is a bad thing slash pos.... anyways 🌷 because i am self centred <3 ok love you bye /p <3

TYTYYYY <33 okayokay where do i start..... i think you were definitely one of the first tumblr friends i made that i still talk to regularly, and im sososo grateful for that bc talking to you is always so much fun, whether its you crisising over The Person [regularly] or me ranting about whatever i'm currently reading. this sounds incredibly cheesy but we've come so far from the first time we talked, from ncverseen and flynnsupremacy to me absolutely SPAMMING your inbox [remember ask limit? character limit? having to go to someones full blog on desktop to send asks? not being able to add tags on an ask and having to rush to edit it as soon as you posted it? yeah.] to you being the person who gave me the nickname nove orginially [!!!!!] and then me uno reversing and calling you amelie, to... now, and. yeah. again this sounds so cheesy but im so glad & grateful to be able to call you a friend :]

[lupan-za-sado]

Okay hhhh so "Lupin III - The First".

I have not seen any reviews or anything yet so just have my plain opinion on this one:

[SPOILERS & KINDA RANT-Y]

And I don't want to sound rude or anything trust me I adored this movie even if it might not sound like it in here haha 😅

LET'S GOOOOOOO!

I loved to see the gang in 3D~ Even though I'm not a big fan of 3D Animation, this one is really nicely done! I loved the style! Especially the FX 👌👌👌✨ Amazing! Really awesome work! ❤ AND LUPINS FLUFFY HAIR AAAAAAAH

Leticia was such a nice character too! She was cute and nice and like everyone else: totally fell for Lupins charm- like how could u not. I loved her story too! I bonded with her throughout the movie which I'm really glad about. All the other characters... I did not care much for them which is kinda sad...? I mean they tried to make a tragic character out of Leticias Adoptive Grandfather but like... he was such a shitty person that I did not feel anything when he actually died...

And the 'main villain' well, he was just an evil Nazi and that was it, which is kinda weak for a Lupin III villain. I haven't seen all that much Lupin III yet but one thing I kinda picked up is, that the villains are always really creative characters. Especially in Part 1 & 2! The villains were always interesting in a way or had their own little story! Or you could just hate them! But this character was just pathetic.

Okayokay but what about the plot-- it was very Lupin in my opinion. Just the gang messing up stuff, it was kinda weird that Zenigata just tagged along but you know what heck yea the earth was about to be destroyed so why not.

But friends, pleaaaaase-- the topic of Hitler still being alive (thank god that he wasn't in the end i would've stopped then and there to punch something) IS SO OLD and it actually kind of annoys me at this point... it sadly totally threw me out of the movies story because I was so annoyed by it :')

It just feels like every frenchise has to endure that plot once in it's lifetime and I'm not sure if Lupin III made it for 50 years without it or if they picked up that topic before (please educate me i'm still so new lmao) and hhh it just feels a bit... lazy...? Hmm I might watch the movie again sometime and maybe now that I know the end it'll be more enjoyable...

All in all I enjoyed it tho! They tried a new medium with 3D and it worked out really well! The characterdesigns were so well translated to the 3D Models too and all the expressions and movements were so vivid and- again- very Lupin!

I loved to see the gang creating chaos all together even with Zenigata! Love that! More of that please but maybe without Nazis thänks ❤

P.S.: I watched it with my best friend..... she fell asleep.... i'll probably have a harder time getting her into Lupin now x.x

[RANT OVER lmao]

Oh! And I get the name now! hah I was wondering why the movie had such a weird name it all makes sense now xD

[aeiiopus-a]

Don't chase the (medium-sized) rabbit

Down the Rabbit Hole || Closed.

“Don’t worry so much, Birdy- I had the best teacher when it comes to this stuff. Just hold my hand, and then...”

“One and two, three. One and two, three- There ya go, Daisy.”

“Jean.”

“Not when you’re here it’s not, Daisy.”

Fingers interlace with those of another; A pretty brunette that had always been quick to make Jean’s heart beat just a little faster, and cause warmth to seep into her cheeks, but all of it blamed purely on the dancer’s occupation rather than actual attraction. Rosie. For a while, that was the only name she was able to attribute to the woman just how in the hall, Jean was only to be addressed as Daisy. One never knew who might be listening in. Who or what lurked in the shadows despite the company’s best attempts to remain in the shadows until shows were performed.

A frown contorted the younger woman’s visage with each misstep; Each time she could see the older woman wince with each time a toe is stepped on, or nails accidentally start to bite into the flesh of her hand when Jean came so close to falling, and was trying to keep herself steady. Eventually, she let go, and it was Rosie’s turn to frown.

(”I swear- She had the patience of a saint dealin’ with me.”)

“This is dumb,” Jean was quick to remark, taking a few steps back with arms folded over her chest. “What’s the point anyway? Not like I’m gonna need this. Just gotta get better at runnin’, so I can get better jobs. This is dumb.”

There was a heavy sigh from her dancing partner who took two steps back to rest against the edge of the stage. Her own arms folded in mimicry.

“Daisy. Jean. You’re allowed to have hobbies ya know-”

“Not if they don’t mean anythin’. Hobbies don’t get bills payed or- or- Or put food on the table! I dunno if I told ya this but I got five other people I gotta be-”

“How old are you?” The interruption caught Jean off guard; Putting the rant on a hold as head tilted and brows furrowed.

“Fourteen, I think.”

“You think?”

“I’ve been busy.”

Another sigh.

“Okay, let’s go with thirteen, lil miss too busy to remember how old I am. You’re thirteen, and what do you see other fourteen year olds doin’?”

“Don’t turn this on me, Rosie, you’re only like seventeen-”

“Just answer the question pip squeak; What do you see other fourteen year olds doin’ when you actually go to school?”

There’s a pause as Jean looked to the ceiling as if it would hold all the answers. Then to the ground. Finally, shoulders give a hard shrug.

“I dunno. Homework and stuff?”

“Just homework?”

“Of course not. Also see ‘em goin’ to games and stuff too. Goin’ out with friends?” The next bit is mumbled under her breath. “Bein’ dicks.”

“Jean.”

“Okayokay, fine. They’re out doin’ kid things I guess? Like- Like-” Fingers snap trying to come up with an example; Gaze darting around as answer eludes her, and continuing on until interrupted again.

“Like havin’ hobbies, and not focusin’ on findin’ work all the time?” Rosie continued though Jean’s mouth opened in protest. “Look. Despite everythin’ you have to do, you’re still a kid. And don’t try to lecture me about all that well I have to crap. Look at where we are. What I am. You really think I would be tryin’ to trick guys into thinkin’ they can get into my pants on this stage if I had another option?”

“No- But-”

“But- I make the most’a it. I make time for myself. Even if it’s just five minutes, or somethin’ sweet. And I’m the old one here. You’re a kid. It’s okay to act like one sometimes ya know. You’re allowed to have hobbies, and ‘sides.” Rosie pushed off of her perch against the stage to walk back over to Jean; Gently punching her in the arm. “If you’re here anyway until things calm down after you get a lil too stabby, might as well do somethin’ to kill the time right?”

“I guess-”

“I’m gonna take that as a yes, so come’ere so we can try this again. It ain’t that hard; Just put your hands here, and here- Or actually just hold this one, and then look how I step... Now you’re gettin’ it.”

“And lemme tell ya- Learned pretty quick after that whole talk, but mushy stuff aside; We’re gonna try that instead ‘cause no offence, but I don’t like gettin’ beat to death with your wings over here when you make the wrong turn.”

[amomentoflife]

okayokay insert rant here

so im a bit hyped rn and just need to let some stuff out man there is too much on my mind sometimes my home my family my friends work my hobbies And then him but he is what i really can't talk about i mean I can talk about him it's not physically impossible it's just painstakingly difficult to admit how i really feel nothing seems to be in my control and i can't stop thinking about how we fit how when he touches me im not aware that someone else's hands are on me - but that it's him and it feels ... right ? im not sure how to explain it cause it's never happened to me before but it's like it's a part of me? it doesn't make my skin crawl like others do. it doesn't make me self conscious to have his hands on me. it feels like they're suppose to be there and i didn't even know it. then i think - am i making myself believe that? am I convincing myself that this is okay just so i can get what i want? is this real or is it another path to heartache? a bit of backstory on him: it might be about a year now since we met. a month later, the day after his birthday (which he shares with both my dad and my great-grandmother), we finally have sex. now at this point i had convinced myself i was no longer going to have sex with guys i barely knew or barely liked or didn't even like me. i hoped to find someone i could trust, get along with, find attractive, and maybe even see a future with. then he appears. our first conversation was unique and our second sealed the idea in my head that this guy could be in the running. (the topics on these particular conversations consisted of cunts and mushrooms respectively.) so i set it in motion. this seemed to be going my way. we have sex. it wasn't the best but honestly, it was my favorite time. the first time i wasn't drunk or high or both. the first time i had felt truly desired because of me. he wore a superman shirt. i got my lipstick all over him. he cooked me dinner afterwards. i took him home. we kissed goodnight. i lingered from it. he retreated away. it scared me but i pushed it from my mind and hoped for the best. i don't see him all weekend (we worked together). he barely texts me back. he stops responding all together. when i see him again - he tells me he was busy and i should be more understanding. so i try. I try so fucking hard. two weeks go by and my patience as worn thin. ive seen him talking to someone else. they're constantly together. i think the worst and hope for the best. finally, her and i work together without him there. i try to smoothly confront her. Me: so, are you seeing anyone lately? Her: yeahhh 😊😊😊i am actually Me: oh yeah?? anyone i might know? Her: yeahh he works here but we said we should keep it on the down low Me: oh come on! that's no fun! who? Her: well *all giddy and beside herself with puppy love* it's him Me: 🙂🙂😐😐🙁🙁😕😕☹️☹️😣😣😔😔😞😞😞😣😣😔😔😒😒😒🙃 i couldn't help myself when i told her the truth. she told me they were together on his birthday. I told him he was texting me the whole time. she went to have lunch with him. she cried. he apologized. she forgave him. he wouldn't even call me at first. idr what I said to get his response but he told me he wouldn't answer to ultimatums. i told him if he was ever my friend and if there was an ounce of good in him - he would call me. as I write this, i sit in the same spot on my porch where i finally got SOME of the answers i had been asking myself for weeks. was it me? did I do something wrong? why couldn't he just tell me? why wasn't he honest from the start? I barely remember the conversation but I still remember it clearly. i remember telling myself to accept it and move on. shit happens. your heart breaks. but seeing them together everyday broke it again and again. I tried to be friends with her. we were always laughing and joking and sharing stories and on the outside it seemed like real friendship. idk if it was for her - it might have been - but it never was for me. I kept wanting to get to know her more to figure out what made her better than me. why was she worth hurting me? she's pretty. sweet. funny. outgoing and loving. understanding and blunt at the same time. I always wanted her to know I never hated her or was upset with her which was absolutely true. truly. even to this day. but even now - i will always be jealous of her. at first I wouldn't look at him. wouldn't talk to him. whenever I did I was cold, mean, and just downright as cruel as i can be. I told more people about us. I belittled him whenever I could. I did ANYTHING I could to make him feel the littlest bit of how I felt. it never made it go away. I slept with other people. I got into a relationship with someone else but I never stopped thinking about him. everyday I had to stop myself from crying cause I kept asking myself why? why did this happen? why not me? why? why? why? once i returned from a vacation and he asks me why I didn't tell him I left. I said "why would I? We aren't friends." Months later, he would tell me that was the most hurtful thing I had said to him but he knows what he did was way crueler. once I hung out with them outside of work. I hated every second of it. I pretended I didn't at the time but that night still makes my stomach sick. around that same time - he told me that he thought his best friend and I would get along pretty well. I hated that thought even more. how could I be around him more than I already was? did he not see the torch I carried for him every time we looked at each other? or did he just stop seeing me entirely? did he ever? (apparently not since I also later found out he did it to turn me into a manatee) a few months after that I quit our job and finally stopped seeing him. in person and in my thoughts. he would creep in from time to time but I would push him out to gain the peace I so longingly craved since that morning after. then, three months later, I go to our old job on a night I know he has off. (We worked together for months and each had a set schedule to help make sense of my craziness.) it was a spur of the moment decision truthfully. I didn't want to go home and I really wanted to see my old friends. I wasn't there two minutes before I found out he was there. So I approached him. We talked like we used to. It seemed nothing had really changed. He told me he had picked up this shift on an impulse the day before. I told him I didn't plan on coming in until I was already on my way. He told me they broke up over a month ago. I told him I had some green. We left together and for the first time in 10 months, we had sex again. It was a very long night. Most of it more talking than anything else. He told me things I wanted to hear (I want to believe that it was all the truth but broken mirrors and all). He said he should have trusted his gut and gone back to me often. He said he was worried that we were too similar and too different. He told me he didn't want a relationship because of how soon it had been since her but if there was anyone he could be serious with - it would be me. Would be me. Does that mean it's not? We had sex again the night before. We've established we're both sleeping with other people. He tells me I'm everything he's attracted to. He tells me he's still slept with her after they've broken up. He tells me he always found me attractive - even more than he found her so. He told me there was no challenge with her. It was all vanilla. She wanted to party more than be with him. He said she broke up with him but he's happy with it. He said he thought of me. He said he missed me. He apologizes every chance he gets but I can't bare to hear it. It seems unnecessary and bit too late. My feelings grow and I can't stop them. I fantasize a future with him there and it almost seems to work. Then I remember. What's going to stop him this time? What makes this different than before? Time? Experience? Loneliness? Am I what fills the void for now? How long will it take me to get over him after this? Have I fallen for another trap? My approach this time will be different. I will not hold any punches but I will not give in until I know for sure. I will not hold it against him but I will not forget what lead us here. I am beyond scared of where it will lead but I will not withdrawal. I will be me until the end and I will not break if he cannot truly accept it. I will endure my own guilt, my aching anxiety, my wavering trust and my undying hope. I will keep my heart and mind open but I will protect both with my life. I will love and be loved in my fantasies and dread in the moments when I become aware that that's all that they could be. If we break I will mend and never look back. If we strive I will be thankful and perhaps be able to truly let go of the past. For now, I will pretend that I do not only want him. I will pretend that all is fine because in rare moments of time it really is. I will pretend that this is not killing me. I will pretend. I will. I will. My will be done.