#okay to reblog/send asks for the sake of conversation since I would imagine this isn't a unique experience

[varietydivision]

I wanted to write a post about my feelings regarding the transition from being a system that allowed ourselves to be very visible as multiple to one that rebounded to a place where we, for all intents and purposes, function almost like a singlet with internal support.  Even to friends we met through the system community here or singlets who we told, we just don't talk about it anymore. Even to my lovely partner of nearly 6 years, we just don’t outwardly express ourselves as a system much, despite still obviously having DID and being multiple.  It is something that just happened over time with healing and integration, where we were left with less social fronters and ended up here.

Part of that is because it is easier, for all of us, to be this way at this point.  Because I handle the outside world, there’s no pressure on anyone internally to have to be social or feel the need to pretend to be me with those who don’t know we’re a system.  But then there are no social outlets for anyone else because we’ve got into a corner where it feels weird doing more than what’s helpful.  No one really has ties to the outside world anymore, and isn’t really sure how to make them in a way that fits in with how we have been living.

There’s freedom in openly interacting with the outside world as a system so that Scully, Maria, or even Will can have their own friends and connections.  But there then feels like there’s pressure to be more available, to switch more, to uproot the life we’ve set up more.  Part of it I think goes back to missing people from our past that we were close to, who have just naturally disappeared with time as life changes and social media becomes less prominent.  We’re MUCH happier without feeling constantly tied to sysblr where there does feel like a bit of pressure to perform.  We’re in a much more stable, comfortable place in our life living this way.  And there was a lot of trauma and hurt that came from almost forcing ourselves to be very visibly and openly a system in the way that it felt like the online community expects.  But there are still times that we miss feeling free to be more openly us.

It’s a complex relationship between what is currently healthy and safe for us overall as a system while navigating a balance