#okay not untroubled thats not what i meant | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

notconsolation · 7 years ago

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LIstEN i wrote a couple more scraps of songs over the summer and putting them together is being a bitch but! i’m going out on a limb and spending some hard earned cash on a keyboard and THEN MY FRIENDS WE SHALL HAVE ORIGINALS ONCE MORE

#ya’ll mind if i do a thing where i babble occasional life updates on this here platform?#i try to keep a relatively untroubled image on here #okay not untroubled thats not what i meant #but i try to keep it either light and funny or imbued with a dadaist optimism and nihilistic indifference/resilience to all the shit around #and im trying to be better i really am #but im gonna be a bit more real and maybe try to check in at the end of the day and scream into the void about how shit i feel #dont bottle it up hannah canned shit is the worst kind #i just feel unready for life basically #like i wasnt supposed to make it this far and now im trying to destroy myself for the sake of minimalizing my cognitive dissonance over #existing when i feel i shouldnt and have no right to #i think about it a lot. i watched a documentary on eating disorders yesterday and they always talk about people who collapsed and were #hospitalized when their BMI hit 15 #like how did i survive? mine was 13 for a good 5 months. its almost like i have survivors guilt?#but thats not actually what's weighing on me rn #well it sort of it cause its still food #it just odd that despite the statistical frequency of eating disorders i still have not met anyone who actually understands my BED and!!!#that's a bit tough but again not the main thing. i dont even need anyone to understand it? i just need someone to hold me accountable #to tell me what i need to do and to hold me to it #like i have support now which is new and lovely but i still dont know how to tackle this because it amounts to what feels like an addiction #and who knows how to break this i dont i try every single fucking day #but every day is bad #and its so tiring #i mean theres good things #my scars are healing im tattoo hunting and my modules this year look marginally more interesting but im! so! done! with food #i legit would love to be able to just stop eating

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