#okay it might be more that Xizor reminds me of a real life rich villain whose last name rhymes with husk...

[depizan]

I do have two last thoughts on Shadows of the Empire. I realized I should address the…it’s not really big enough to call a plot…uh… the side plotlet Dash has, since I picked up the book to answer the question of what he was like when written by someone other than the guy who wrote Shadow Games. Also, I’m not quite done being irritated about Roofie Lizards.

Dash Rendar’s crisis of confidence.

During one of the assorted plots that fade out over the course of the book there’s a space dogfight in which several Bothan pilots are killed by a missile that Dash failed to destroy. That he failed for the first time ever and people died gives him a Heroc BSoD for a bit.

*massages forehead*

Okay, two thirds of that is fine, but the middle third just destroys the entire thing. No one gets to the age of…okay, I don’t know how old Dash is, but I’m pretty sure he’s older than, like ten…without failing. I don’t care how hot shit he’s supposed to be, this cannot be the first time in his life that he failed. Or missed a target. Also, given his line of work, this can’t be the first time people he’s working with have died. His plotlet would be more appropriate for someone Luke’s age. Or younger. Not for a seasoned criminal who routinely gets in space battles.

That said, characters are allowed to be upset by things. I’d absolutely have given an “I failed and people died!” BSoD a pass. Maybe it hasn’t happened that often. Maybe it just hits him hard every time. That could actually be a hint of him as an actual person not a random assortment of one liners and ludicrous skills. But it’s written like somewhere between 50% and 75% of his BSoD is because he never fails.

No one never fails. No one. That’s not how anything works!

(Also, his focus on “how could I, the man who never misses, miss!?” makes it all about him and not the people who died, which isn’t a good look. Nor is Luke kind of being glad he was taken down a peg, well, wanting to be glad he was taken down a peg, if not for the loss of life.

I swear to god, Dash has an asshole aura the way Taris has a bad idea aura and Joruus C'baoth has a wisdom and intellect drain aura.)

Anyway, the point is: it’s a plotlet for someone just starting out in life. “Oh no, I can fail.” is not something that an experienced adult should be struggling with. (Again, “oh no, my failure had bad consequences” is something anyone can struggle with. It’s the emphasis that’s fucking the plotlet up, not the events themselves.) Worse, Dash is a character whose brother died and family was destroyed because of bad luck. He shouldn’t be having this struggle with the concept of failure! Bad shit happens! He knows that.

It doesn’t help my irritation that later, after Dash is “dead”*, it turns out that it was a specially shielded missile, so he didn’t actually fail. Or at least, he didn’t actually miss. There was just nothing he could’ve done.

Look, Star Wars writers, the reason people like Han Solo is because he does fuck up. He’s not perfect. It makes him human and relatable and likable. He’s very good at what he does, but he’s not The Best™. Sometimes he encounters someone better than him. And sometimes he just messes up. Because people do.

Han Solo but cooler and edgier doesn’t make for an interesting character. It doesn’t even make for a character at all.

*I don’t know if he’s genuinely supposed to be dead in the book, but I do know from Wookieepedia that he faked his death.

Roofie Lizards

Roofie Lizards irritate me. Quite a lot, actually. They’re also a good example of how I can be a bit inconsistent in what violates my suspension of disbelief. Generally, I’m pretty willing to accept all manner of ludicrous things in the softer end of the fantasy and sci-fi spectrum. I don’t expect actual science in Star Wars. (Or Star Trek or Doctor Who or Stargate or…) I don’t object to people throwing in a bit of actual science, but I fully expect my soft sci-fi/space adventure to run on handwavium. Except when that handwavium only exists to fuel a plot that should be flushed down the galactic toilet.

See, Falleen annoy me. Zeltrons don’t. And that hinges entirely on why the two species exist.

Zeltrons are hot pink near-humans with potent pheromones and telepathic powers that fall on the empathy end of things. They can’t read minds, but they read and influence emotions. They were introduced in the now practically ancient Marvel comics run of Star Wars back in the 80s as, well, Space Hippie Party Kids. They’re big on free love and happiness and having a good time and dress a bit like they wandered out of a rave.

They’ve also been expanded on by a number of authors since then, and were even fleshed out beyond that introduction in the comics. You’ll find Zeltron heroes, rogues, and villains scattered through all manner of Star Wars works. I think they’ve even been recanonized by Disney.

I have never once thought to myself with irritation “I’m pretty sure pheromones are species specific” when reading about Zeltrons. Yes, it helps that humans and near-humans can be assumed to at least be the same class, taxonomically speaking, but it also helps that they never felt like they were designed to be walking Roofies. Or if they were it was a HELL of a lot more subtly.

Falleen are green roofie lizards with insanely potent pheromones who were invented so Xizor could try to “seduce” (consider those the largest quote marks ever) Princess Leia. Also so Xizor could be just that much more Most Special and go on about how his reptilian ancestry meant he was cool and not ruled by his emotions. (Even though he 100% was.)

Why do your pheromones even work on mammals you overgrown iguana!?

Hem.

As I was saying, my suspension of disbelief has a hell of a lot more trouble with Falleen. I mean, I’d find Xizor a Villain Sue and the whole plotline with him becoming enamored of Leia awful even if he’d been a Zeltron. But you created an entire fictional species just to make your character more special and to be a walking date rape drug? Really?

It just underlines Xizor’s Villain Sue-ness, or DMNPC-ness or That Guy’s character-ness. It doesn’t feel like a case of “oh, I had this fun idea for a new species” it feels like the species was designed because Xizor needed to be special.

Also, like…it’s unnecessary, in a sense. It’s just background set dressing. And a way to threaten a female character with rape that it isn’t clear the author realizes would be rape. It’s just so…weird. And requires jumping through more mental hoops than Zeltrons do.

Which feels more implausible? Magic pheromones that work across species barriers regardless of gender or magic pheromones that work across species barriers (larger species barriers even!) but only work on the opposite sex? It’s not just me, right? Adding in that Only Heterosexual bit just begs one to ask questions about how it’s working at all. (Also whether the author realizes that there’s a larger difference between species, much less classes, than between sexes.)

Also, Xizor is a really weird villain. He feels like he should be a buffoon. The kind of villain you’d class with Rich Biff from Back to the Future 2 or the guy in Making Money (Discworld) who wanted to become Vetenari. Granted, this could just be because real life has an over abundance of buffoon rich guy villains at present, but he’s over the top in a way that interferes with him being an impressive villain. Except I think we are supposed to find him an impressive villain. He’s rubbing elbows with the Emperor. He’s treated as an equal to Vader. He’s been wildly successful. (He didn’t just inherit daddy’s money.) I’m pretty sure he’s supposed to be a cool, sexy villain, not a green Biff Tannen.

I can’t tell if the fact that all I see is green Biff Tannen is a me problem or a writing problem.