#okay but i just want a taste test not a moral judgment

[cumsuga]

Grey Areas Pt 2

taehyung x fem!reader

genre. smut, fluff, angst, romance, non-idol!au, twin!taehyung, BIL!taehyung, widowedmother!reader

Your husband is dead, now you're trying to avoid the man that looks exactly like him. The only problem with that is trauma bonds people, sometimes in more ways than one 

warnings: death of a spouse, sleeping with your brother-in-law, grief, unprotected sex (Be safe and be smart; please use condoms), mentions of part infidelity, smoking, light drinking, taehyung is definitely in love with his sister-in-law aka reader, you're a mama (lots of drama), yall be fuckin', anal(?), Taehyung likes fat asses.

word count: 5k

18+ (Minors DNI)

A/n: First and foremost, thank you, @hbkdrecs, for testing/proofreading! I don't know if I'll make this a series or just leave it a mini. Anyway, thank you, everyone,for all the support! Please support your local fic writer by liking and reblogging! Y'all are the best!

Taglist!: @ohsweetmimosa

“You know you fucked up, right?” Jimin asks. Taehyung had spent the two weeks with you as he told you he would. Every night was spent in each other's arms, him in between your thighs or you on your knees. You couldn’t understand what it was about Taehyung, but you couldn’t keep your hands off him. Part of you thought it was because he looked like his brother, but the other part thought he was nothing like Sujin. Taehyung was the complete opposite of him, making you want him even more. 

“Jimin, you told me you wouldn’t judge me.” you rub the bridge of your nose. Jimin, your best friend since birth, was known to be a judgy bitch, but right now, you need less judgment and more advice.

“Listen, I’m never one to judge, but bitch.. He’s your dead husband's IDENTICAL twin brother… Right now is the best time to judge. Hell, this is like the plot of an awful lifetime movie. Except Taehyung didn’t trick you into thinking he was Sujin.” he takes a sip of his tea, smiling.

“I’m going to hell, aren’t I?” you gnaw on your thumb. You’re too far gone with Taehyung to go back now. You think you may even love him. He makes you feel safe. He'd choose you if he had to choose between you or his family. It was a naive way to think, but you didn’t care. Why should you? Sujin cheated on you for the majority of your pregnancy, and though you’re not one for revenge, it sure tastes good cold.

“Oh baby, straight to hell, but that's okay. You can explain to Sujin when you see him there.” he chuckles, scooting a mug over to you.

“Jimin. That's not funny. I was with Su for most of my life, and we were married. It’s too early to joke about it! You’re literally being the worst best friend ever.” You groan, and you wish he would be serious. “This is like life or death, serious.”

“My love, you’ve crossed a line from which you can no longer return. There is no advice I could possibly give you that would make you feel better.  You're smitten. I knew you were when you called and told me you had to tell me something.” 

You sign because, though you’ll never tell him, he’s right. You crossed a line, but you never said you wanted to return. You were fine with knowing you fucked your dead husband’s brother. You could live with it because Sujin would never find out. The only problem was that you didn’t know if you could stop.

—-

“Bro.. that's fucked.” Jungkook looks horrified.

“Listen, I’ve been in love with her since I was 10. I know it’s wrong, but she means everything to me. I just want to take care of her.” Taehyung shrugs Jungkook off. He feels remorse about it, but he won’t lose sleep over it. 

“But that’s your brother's wife. Morally, it’s wrong. Jungkook is justifiably horrified.” Namjoon chimes, 

“Namjoon, you slept with Jungkook’s sister. I don’t wanna hear SHIT from you.” he’s starting to regret telling his friends about his indiscretion. Jungkook looks bewildered by the revelation, but everyone decides it’s best not to open that particular can of worms.

“I support you.” Yoongi walks into the garage. “Namjoon sent me a voice note of the details. I don’t think what you did was wrong. From what you told us about her before, you called dibs, and Su disregarded bro code. Fuck’em.”

“Hey, that’s still my brother. Chill.” he mean mugs Yoongi.

“Man, we’re a little past the respect thing for Su. I’ll always have love for him, but if we're being honest, he was a shitty guy. Lest we forget the 2016 incident? He’s been doing this shit to that girl for years, we all knew, and we said nothing. We’re all just as bad as him. Namjoon, you witnessed the 2016 incident. Jungkook, you knew it was gonna happen, and Tae Su told you everything. So let’s not all act like we’re all holier than thou.” Yoongi lights a cigarette and takes a long drag.

Everyone is quiet, reflecting on how they’ve all wronged you. Taehyung felt the worst about it all because he knew Sujin had cheated before, but you guys were kids when it happened, and he didn’t think Su would do it again. Taehyung made Sujin swear he wouldn’t, or he’d tell you everything.

“Yoongi’s right…” Jungkook and Namjoon say in unison.

“I know... I know.” He sighs, “What should I do? All I want to do is be with her.”

“So do it. At this point, Tae, you have nothing to lose. If your family disagrees, fuck them. You’ve secretly loved the girl for years. I’m sure Sujin would forgive you. Hell, you forgave him. Now is the time to act.” Taehyung nods, “One more thing... Are you ever gonna tell her it was you?”

Taehyung calls you while you’re returning from picking up groceries. He tells you he wants to talk, and you’re happy because you also want to talk. You miss him, as crazy as it sounds. You want nothing more than to be in his presence.

When you pull up, he’s outside again waiting for you. When he sees you, he immediately goes to help you with Azra. Giving you a quick peck before he rounds the car to you. “Hi, princess.”  He gets him out of the car and grabs his diaper bag. Your heart melts seeing him and Azra together, and you feel so fucking guilty. Jimin's words are starting to affect you more than you thought they would.

“DADDY!” Azra screams when he sees Taehyung, squishing Taehyung’s cheeks together. Naturally, you go to correct him, but Taehyung is visibly uncomfortable with it and quickly corrects him.

“No baby, I’m Uncle Taetae. Daddy… Daddy is with Grandpa in the sky.” He points to the sky, and Azra looks up and repeats the word sky. Taehyung pecks his head and walks into the house with you.

He sets Azra in his play place when he gets in and helps you with whatever you are carrying. “Go rest, I’ll grab the rest.” but you pull him back to you.

“Wait. I missed you. C’mere,” You pull him into a kiss. It’s soft and sweet. He smiles into the kiss. He finds it strange how natural everything feels, and he finds it even stranger that he doesn’t feel guilty about what you two are doing. 

He gently pulls you away, “My love, I’ll be right back. I’m just gonna go get the groceries. I’m not going anywhere.” He pecks you once more before heading out the door.

You sit with Azra and play with him while Taehyung brings in all the groceries, and you wish Sujin was like this. Sujin helped but never made it a point to do it all himself. The more you compare the two, the more resentful you grow of Su. You want to hate yourself for it desperately, but you can’t. 

Taehyung calls out to you from the kitchen, “Babe, did you mean to buy baby food?” you can hear him rummaging through the cabinets and putting stuff away.

“Yeah, I thought we were out. Why?” you say as Azra tries to climb in your lap.

“Because you bought more baby food and have a whole bunch.” You plop him on top of you. He begins playing with your fingers lazily while watching Baby Shark.

“Oh, well, now I won’t have to go get more in two weeks.” everything feels so domestic. It scares you a bit. “Hey, you said you wanted to talk. What about?” You stand up with Azra and walk towards the kitchen.

“About… us.” He stops what he’s doing and looks over at you. He gives you a look that worries you just a bit. Sujin would look at you like that right before starting an argument.

“What about us?” You ask as Azra reaches out for Taehyung, and Taehyung happily takes him.

“Azzy, no fingers in your mouth.” You move to take his thumb out of his mouth, and Azra buries his head into Tae’s chest.

“Daddy..” he pouts into him, and at this point, Taehyung is too tired to keep correcting Azra. 

“That’s not Daddy, Azra.” you try to take him back from Tae, but he starts to cry and cling to him.

“Daddy! Az say no!” Azra cries out.

Taehyung sighs, “Has he napped today?” 

You shake your head no, “Just leave him. He’s cranky because someone needs a nap. Azzy want to take a nap with… papa?” Azra nods his head, and they leave to go to the bedroom so Taehyung can put him down for a nap. Fifteen minutes later, Taehyung emerges from the bedroom and joins you on the couch. 

“I’ve never seen him so cranky.” he tried to pull you closer to him, but he could tell you were upset. “What’s wrong?”

“Don’t ever do that again.” you push away from him. “You’re not his dad, don’t do that. I don’t like that.”

He pulls you into his lap, “Listen, I know I’m not his dad. But he was cranky, and I was just trying to remedy the situation. I’m sorry, baby.” you pout at him, and he kisses it away. You’re both silent for a while, watching the TV.

“Do you think we’re bad people?” you question out of nowhere, turning to face him.

“What do you mean?” he’s still looking at the TV but rubbing your knee lazily.

“Tae, look at me.” he looks towards you, so you question again, “Do you think we’re bad people?”

“I mean, kinda. We are bad people because of our previous relationship, but at the same time, I don't think we're bad people for finding solace in each other. I’ve loved you for a very long time, Y/N. I’m not faulting myself for finally expressing that; I don’t care if my family is upset about it. We’re happy. Shouldn’t that mean the most?” his eyes feel like they're burrowing into your soul. 

“What do you mean you’ve loved me for a very long time?” The revelation takes you aback, but he’s silent. His cheeks are flushed, and he can’t believe he just told on himself.

“I–I’m. Uhh..” he doesn’t know what to say. He’s scared of your thoughts when he tells you the truth. But he takes a deep breath and lets it go. “You remember when we were all kids? Do you remember when Sujin confessed to you? Well… that wasn’t Su… It was me. And even though you were with Sujin, I never got over you… That’s why I stopped coming around as much when you and Su got married, even less when you got pregnant, and all together when Azra was born. Because I didn’t want to accept that you chose Su, I couldn’t take the fact that my brother knew how I felt about you and still decided to be with you. Sujin wasn’t as amazing a person as everyone thought. He was and still is an asshole. I know I should be upset that he’s dead, but I can’t be. My brother was a terrible person to me. Now I’m just happy I finally get to be with the only woman I’ve ever loved.” 

You’re shocked. It felt like a million volts to your system. You never thought in a million years that Taehyung was the boy who confessed to you. He was always so quiet and reserved. Even in middle school and high school, he was never into dating, but now it all makes sense. He never really dated because he wanted to be with you.

“Well… Well, what about Naomi? You two were together for five years. You can’t tell me you didn’t love her. You had to have if you were together so long.” You need him to tell you he’s lying. He has to be because it feels like Sujin used you to get under Taehyung’s skin right now.

“I mean sure… I thought I loved her and wished God that I could have given her what she wanted from me. But It wasn’t fair to keep stringing her along. If I could take it back and not hurt her the way I did, I would in a heartbeat. No one deserves that, and I hate that I did that to someone. To this day, I send her little things to apologize. All of them returned, but I feel a little better knowing I’m trying to right my wrongs to her.” he’s looking at his hands, ashamed of his past actions.

“Why didn’t you ever say anything?” you take his hands in yours, just a little sign to show him you’re not closing him out. He felt so much relief knowing you weren’t scared of his secret.

“What was I supposed to say, Y/N? ‘Hey, I’m actually the guy that confessed to you, and I think you should be with me and not the man you had a baby with?’ You would’ve looked at me like I had six heads, baby. I know you.” he sighs.

“I wouldn’t have… Honestly, the more we’re together, the more I wonder what life would have been like if we had been together since childhood,” you say honestly, and you feel like a weight has lifted from you. Even though Sujin’s only been gone a month, you’re entirely ready to let him go. You’re tired of keeping this relationship a secret and don’t care what others say about it. Sujin wasn’t a good husband to you, and you were tired of pretending he was.

Taehyung smiles at you, “Honestly, me too.” he kisses you softly.

“What are we going to tell Azra when he gets older?” This was your primary worry. You didn’t want your son to get bullied because kids are ruthless.

“Don’t beat me up when I say this, but maybe we should raise him as mine? I mean.. Genetically he is. I will have to get used to him calling me dad, but I’m with it if you are?”

Taehyung sees your shift in mood, but he knows that you know he’s right. “I’ll have to think about that, Taehyung... You’re right, but I’m still a little apprehensive about it.” you’re chewing on your thumb again, but Taehyung pulls it from your mouth to kiss you.

“No fingers in your mouth but mine,” he says as he moves to kiss your neck, and you push him away, giggling. 

“Ew, don’t ever say stuff like that to me. Weirdo.” You stand up from the couch, and he smacks your ass as you walk past him. 

“Where you going?” He asks as you disappear into the back of the house. You wanted to make sure Azra was asleep.

“I'm just checking on the baby.” You walk back into the living room, sitting in Tae’s lap.

“God, my brother didn’t deserve you. You’re such a great woman. I don’t care what anyone says.” You two are trying to make out, but something constantly interrupts you. This time, it’s your phone, and it’s your mother-in-law. She sounds pissed but keeps everything very short.

“Your mom is on her way here. She sounds mad. I think you should leave..” You’re panicking. She alluded to knowing about you and Taehyung. “I think she knows.”

“So what? You said you wanted to be with me. Why does it matter if she knows or not?” You’re pacing the living room. How could she have found out? You didn’t tell anyone outside of Jimin. You didn’t go anywhere together. There's no way... “Taehyung, please. I don’t think this is going to end well for you… for us..”

“No. I’m not leaving. I love you, and I want to be with you. I don’t care what she thinks.” He stands firm on it, not even budging off the couch. You didn’t want to do this, especially in front of your son. But before you could even process it, there was a knock at your door.

“Taehyung, please! Hide or something. Azra,” you’re whisper yelling at this point, and the knock is getting louder. But she barges in like God was punishing you for being in love. You had forgotten you had given her a key when you and Su bought the house. She sees Taehyung sitting there and immediately starts with the bullshit you were trying to avoid.

“So, it’s true?” she sneers, “Ms. Killian called and told me you haven’t left since the funeral. She told me that she had seen you two kissing in the driveway. So is that what you do? Like a whore? Your husband, my son, dies, and you move on to his brother? And you flaunt it in public. You must be a whore. Is that baby even Sujin’s, or is it Taehyung’s or some other man's?”

You stand there quietly. Too terrified to speak, you thought you were ready for everyone to know about you and him, but fuck were you wrong. This is your worst nightmare. “Speak, whore!” she screams at you.

“Please..” you say meekly, “The baby.”

“Oh, so now you care about my grandson? You didn’t care when you were fucking his uncle. You didn’t care when you were flaunting it to the whole fucking neighborhood!”

You look at Taehyung, and he immediately steps in front of you, “Don’t talk to her like that. You know nothing but what you were told by some senile old lady that doesn’t ever know how to mind her own fucking business.”

She smacks him, scoffing, “Don’t you ever insult my intelligence, you little shit. You were always like this, so jealous of your brother. Always wanting what he had. You never amounted to half of what your brother was.”

“My brother was a lying, cheating piece of trash. I spoke to Natalie. She told me you gave her Su’s number and encouraged her to contact him because his current girlfriend wasn’t as hard-working and was freeloading off your son. You were complicit in his cheating on his pregnant wife. Don’t act so fucking high and mighty, mother. You’re the exact same as Su, and that’s why my father left you.”

You stand there stunned. You don’t want to believe Taehyung, but what would he gain from lying about it? She says nothing and looks away from the both of you. That confirms all you need to know. She knew about it.

“I did nothing of the sort.” she scoffs again, “You’re the one lying up in his house with his wife. You both are scum. My son deserved better than a whore for a wife and a worthless piece of trash like you for a brother.”

“Oh please, you miserable insufferable cunt. You only cared about Su because he did whatever you told him to do. You’re upset because you no longer have someone to control. It fucking kills you to see me happy. But you know what? I couldn’t give less of a fuck. I love her, and she loves me. Go fuck yourself.”

“I think you need to leave.” You hear Azra crying in the distance. “Actually, get the fuck out of my house.” you’re seething. If you knew you wouldn’t go to jail for beating her ass, you do it in a heartbeat.

She doesn’t budge, and she is stubborn, just like Su. “I SAID GET THE FUCK OUTTA MY HOUSE, YOU EVIL BITCH!” 

“When I tell the family, you will have nothing. You will be alone, just like you always were.” Taehyung just shakes his head in disdain, “Just you wait, and as for you, you little slut. If I ever see your face again, I’ll slap that fucking look off of it.”

“I dare you to. Now get out.” You say, pushing her out the door and rushing to Azra.

“Sh, sh, sh, it’s okay. Momma’s here, my sweet boy. No more tears.”

You're rocking Azra when Taehyung joins you in the room. “I’m sorry, this was never my intention.” He takes Azra from you and sits you in the rocking chair.

“Just sit here and calm down. I’ll get him to stop crying.” He says, walking out of the room and into the kitchen.

When he leaves, you burst into tears; a million thoughts run through your head. What are your parents going to say? What if she tells Azra’s daycare? What will they do? What about Azra and his relationship with them? You knew it was life-ruining and thought you were ready to face it, but you weren’t. You’re scared, and you feel alone in the feeling.

Taehyung joins you with a sleeping Azra back in the room. He sets him gently in the crib and kneels in front of you. “Hey, hey. No more tears, remember? Everything is going to be okay. I will make sure of that. Please don’t cry, sweetheart.” he takes your hands, kissing them softly.

You want to be mad, you want to keep crying, but he just had this effect on you. He made you feel so safe, so secure. You knew he would shield you from the fallout because that’s just what Taehyung does. He’s a nurturer, and you loved that dearly about him.

“I need to tell you one more thing…” he says before telling you about the 2016 incident. He told you about all the girls Sujin cheated on you with before he asked you to marry him. He told you that Sujin said it was to get it out of his system before he was chained down forever. He told you that he kept it from you to protect you and that he should’ve told you when it happened to save you from all the pain you’re going through. He apologized for hurting you and swore never to keep a secret from you again.

“I need you to trust me. I love you more than I’ve ever loved anything in my life. I swear on my life, you mean everything to me, and I’ll never lie to you again, " he says before kissing you passionately. “I love you, Y/N. Please believe me.”

“I never said I didn’t, Dummy. I just wish you would’ve told me before I married that prick.” You say, wiping your nose on your sweater and laughing. He laughs softly with you. “How’d you get him to sleep so quickly?”

“Oh, I told him that if he went back to bed, I’d buy him ice cream after his nap. And I swear he was out like a light. It was pretty weird.” he chuckles.

You cup Taehyung’s cheek, rubbing it softly, “I wish it were you.” you peck him.

“Hey, better late than never at all, am I right?” he gets big-headed, so you push him down, but he pulls you with him. He is kissing you again, this time a little rougher than before.

“Not here. Let’s go to the room.” you stand up, extending your hand to him. “Come cuddle with me.”

He gets up, pulling you close to whisper in your ear, “Oh baby girl, we're gonna do more than cuddle. I’m gonna fuck the shit out of you.” Your cheeks are bright red when he pulls you away.

“Don’t say stuff like that.” you shy away from him, but that only eggs him on more.

“Don’t get all coy on me now. You like it when I talk to you like that.” He picks you up and walks you to your bedroom. He tosses you on the bed. 

“You’re all I need, all I want.” He climbs on top of you, pushing your sweater up splaying his hand across your tummy. “I mean fucking look at you… You’re literally my own personal wet dream.”

He takes his bottom lip between his teeth while he works on getting your jeans off. You’re squirming at his touch. You were never like this with Sujin, but he never cared to take his time with you. He would never even eat you out. The first time you ever got head, it was from Taehyung. And it was the best thing you ever experienced. He told you he loved eating pussy, and said it made him feel like a man to make his woman feel good before him.

“Off with these, I wanna taste you. You looked so sexy putting my mom in her place.” He kisses his way down your tummy and you instinctively try to close your legs. Always so shy to him seeing you so on display. 

“Taehyung..” you keen when he plants a light kiss on the space above your clit, he loved toying with you. He liked seeing you so needy for him. “No games.. Eat it.”

He pops his head up to look at you, ‘Someone is eager, but I think..” he spits directly on your clit and you swear it’s the hottest thing you’ve ever seen, making you clench around nothing.

“I think-fuck- I think, I’ll play with it a little.” he pushes his fingers to your clit, before rubbing his spit around. “I mean, listening to how you sound. One could cum from the sound alone, if I do say so myself. It’s so fucking lewd.”

You moan something that sounds like his name softly, “I’m gonna make you cum just off my fingers before I eat it. I wanna play with your pussy, princess. You like that? Tell me you like it, please… fuck.” he pushes two fingers into you.

“Love it...” you buck your hips into his hand, grabbing his wrist so you could fuck yourself on his finger. Taehyung is just staring at you in awe, I mean sure he’s fingered you before but he’s never seen you like this. “Love it when you play with my pussy, daddy..”

“Fuuuck…” he can’t believe his eyes, his dream girl getting herself off on his fingers. This is everything he hoped for and more. “You’re so fucking nasty.”

“Only for you, wanna be yours. Tell me I’m yours, please baby…please, spit on it again” you beg. And he happily obliges you, he wants nothing more than to get you off quickly so he can go to town on you.

He can feel you starting to squeeze his fingers so he moves his fingers quickly, curling them to rub your G-spot. “You’re mine, my good girl. Fuck, look at you cumming all over my fingers. So fucking hot.”

You come undone beneath him, moaning the most sinful music to his ears, “I’ll eat you out tomorrow.” he pulls you down to the edge of the bed, flipping you on your stomach, and ridding himself of his clothes. 

“I love pretty things,” he smacks your ass hard, causing you to yelp, before getting you into position. He rubs his tip into your wetness before tapping his dick against your clit.

“Lemme put it in your butt.” he prods your hole and you look back at him like he’s crazy. “Taehyung don’t even play with me like that. That’s something that needs preparation.”

He chuckles, “I’m kidding-fuck” he pushes into you,” fuck.. I’m kidding.”

Your head drops into the bed, eyes rolling to the back of your head. Taehyung was big, like you knew lanky men were usually big, but fuck that stretch made you see stars every time.

“Big..” is all you could get out before he starts thrusting into you. He smacks your ass again.

“But you can take it all, can't you.” you nod biting your lip. You feel like you’re on ecstasy every time you two have sex, he hits all the right spots. “Yeah I know you can because you’re my good little cockslut.” he smacks again before gripping your cheeks fucking you back into him.

“All this ass, and you expect me to not want to fuck it? You’re crazy, princess. Your pussy is literally like heroine, I’m fucking hooked.” he thrusts harder into you.

“Yeah! Just like that, fuck me Taehyung… Please fuck me!” you're a mess at this point, he’s completely ruined you.

And just like you asked, he gave you exactly what you were asking for, fucking into you like he was gonna die if he didn’t make you cum again. He enjoyed knowing he made you feel so good, he thrived on it. “Gonna cum…”

“In me.. C-cum in me.” you stutter out, “oh fuck. Oh fuck!”

You cum around him, squeezing him like a vice grip, and he follows suit. You can feel him filling you up, it almost makes you cum again. You loved the warmth of it, but you loved him fucking it out of you even more. Reveled in the feeling of it running down your pussy and thighs. 

When he was done, he collapsed next to you on the bed. Trying but failing to catch his breath. “Can we do it like that again later? That was sexy.” you hum in compliance, the feeling of sleep creeping its way through your veins. And like the gentleman he is, he gets up to get something to clean you up with. 

He returns with a cloth, the coolness stinging your heated skin, but he’s gentle when he reaches your vulva, making sure not to rub your clit too hard but just enough to rid you of the cum that is now starting to dry. “Sorry, I’m trying to be gentle.” he squeaks out.

“I love you,” you say sleepily as he gets you into some pajama shorts. “So much.” 

“I love you too, baby girl.” he kisses your temple before leaving for the bathroom. Before you fall asleep, you hear the shower run. You smile in contentment. You could get used to having Taehyung around. You know now for sure that you won’t mind all the stares and gossip as long as he's by your side. You could make it through the day knowing you get to come home to a man who really loved you. So what? You found genuine happiness in your husband's brother; stranger things have happened. This was your grey area. This was the way life was meant to be, how it was supposed to be. You’re ready to move on as long as it’s with him. 

© @cumsuga 2016-2024. All rights reserved. — Unauthorized use or duplication of these works, including reposting, translating, and modification in any form, is strictly prohibited. DO NOT USE MY CONTENT FOR ANY AI PURPOSES WHAT SO EVER

credit to @cafekitsune for the dividers

[ms-hells-bells]

This doesn't mean to be a value judgment, but I was just wondering, if you're not encouraging its production and the animal is already dead, who are you doing this for? I know you can't eat animal products anymore, but when it comes to stuff like secondhand, I don't see any material benefit. The only think I can possibly think of is that you're doing it to avoid guilt and other negative feelings for yourself and I don't wanna accuse you of that. If there is a benefit I totally missed it :((((

because with the mindset of veganism, you end up viewing that stuff as not things for us to use, but dead stuff. leather is disgusting. with wool, we are a sheep country, i see how roughly they're shorn, their nasty, rotten, cut off tails, getting culled early in their life. it's just so offputting. it's why i didn't eat the brownies, i was more just curious about the thoughts of others. but like i said, this is my personal line and conviction. if other vegans want to buy second hand stuff, then by all means (although it seems unnecessary if there are second hand non animal alternatives. then it's probably better to stick to those as a matter of maintaining the mental idea of animals /=/ products. i don't think too much about that though).

so, yes, it's to avoid feeling guilt and other negative feelings, which is not a bad thing, it shows that i have strong empathy and morals. i also don't drink alcohol on principle of the mental and physical effects, i wouldn't put alcohol in my mouth for the taste, and then spit it out to avoid being affected. it's always easier, as human beings, to have a strict line, rather than test where the line is with 'what if's and 'is this okay's and 'what about in this scenarios's. i'm happy to think about and answer those, but i would never try to find a situation to justify using animal products in my current situation. i don't need to, there are alternatives, and i myself am happy where i am.

[l33tsaber]

Decided to get some of the “Liquid I.V.” drink mix to see how it compares to Nuun.

It’s got a fair bit more salt (500mg/serving vs. Nuun’s 300mg) and also more sugar (11g against Nuun’s 1g.)

Supposedly, the sugar is what helps transport the salt, and water goes wherever the salt goes.  If I’m lucky, maybe this will dial back on my dumbass kidneys going “oh look, the water for flushing waste is here!  *half an hour later* oh look, the water for flushing waste is here! *half an hour later* oh look, the water for” when I’m trying to increase my damn blood volume.

I got the lemon-lime flavor (which is the only one the guy at the nutrition store had tried, though he said all three flavors sell fairly equally).  In the recommended 16oz of water, it’s a bit strong, but in 24oz (which is what my bottle holds) it tastes pretty much like your average lemon-lime sportsdrink.  They do use a touch of stevia in addition to the cane sugar, but mercifully, I can barely register the stevia aftertaste in this formulation.

[desideratvms]

╰☆╮[ HARRY STYLES / ARETE / ANANKE / MUSE 30 ] / [ KENNEDY KING ] is a [ TWENTY-ONE ] year old [ NEUROSCIENCE ] major. [ HE ] is known for being [ HARDWORKING & BRILLIANT ] but [ STUBBORN & SELFISH ].  when i think of them, i imagine [ PITCH BLACK COFFEE, SLANTED KNOWING SMILES, EYES ROLLED BEHIND YOUR BACK ]. and even though they’re a proud HU student now, we all have our roots. theirs run back to them being a [ MHP ( AER ) ] graduate.  i asked around and it turns out they [ AREN’T ] an AOP student. in their interview, they managed to woo the admissions team by [ PRESENTING HIS PROTOTYPE OF A 3D PRINTED SPINAL DISK ]. i guess that’s all there is to know! unless… 

                          penned by: ☆  MOON , 24 , THEY/THEM , & EST

statistics:

FULL NAME: kennedy james king. NICKNAME(S): he prefers his full name, but gets ‘ken’, ‘kenny’ and ‘king’ often. AGE: twenty-two. BIRTHDAY: november 1st. GENDER: demiboy. PRONOUNS: he/they. ROMANTIC ORIENTATION: panromantic. SEXUAL ORIENTATION: pansexual. MAJOR: neuroscience ( pre - med ). HEIGHT: 6′1". MORAL ALIGNMENT: neutral evil. MBTI: ENTP HOGWARTS HOUSE: slytherin. TRAITS: ambitious, intelligent, disingenuous, judgmental, quick-witted, selfish, petty, passionate, outgoing, charming.

short bio blurb.

for your first few years of life, your cries are met with warm consoling arms, kisses over scraped knees and meals around the dinner table. as you grow older, the concept washes out of sight like a salty tide: slowly, then all at once. your parents draw the lines and your nannies color them in, and with time you realize you might in fact be the only kid in history who doesn’t resent them for it. not one bit.

a son of two brilliant surgeons, your life has been filled with ten-minute holidays and interrupted birthdays. as you grew to understand it, you discovered you hardly minded much. after all, you inherited your parents’ desire for medicine and excellence, and you aspire to be so busy one day, crave it, actually, so you fill your need for attention elsewhere and allot the rest of your time to achieving perfection. you’re in the stars and you know it; there’s no time to hold success against the people that drove you there.

though your family’s social circle shifted its orbit to the rich and powerful, they remain grounded as ever. for this, your ego is your best kept secret at home. mother and father would grill you for your narcissistic reputation, so you hide it when you’re back for the holidays behind big smiles and perfectly roasted turkeys. they want you to be proud, not arrogant, but it’s not your fault: you just can’t help that you’re always right.  

if you fall, though, you fall far –- the kings don’t throw money at problems.

they solve them.

your desire for greatness burns bright in your belly and your affinity for it has a habit of taking over the more tender parts of your heart. you’re not cruel, just destined, and nothing puts you on your toes faster than a threat, so you remove them. poll ten people and seven might think you brutal in your ambition, but all is fair in love, war and the pursuit of knowledge.

you’re focused but more romantic than what meets the eye.  while chocolates and flowers aren’t your forte, but loyalty and dedication are. there’s no better lover than one who has a habit of sinking its teeth into anything they love, and you’re a dog whose never given up a bone in his life.

your softer inner workings are there underneath and you’re not ashamed, not at all, they’ll bring you the other piece of the puzzle one day. someone to help you hold that trophy high above your head and someone to smile while they do. vulnerability doesn’t set you back; it propels you, but you’re still skating around how to equip it just right. you’re prone to using words like fire to mask your ego, and communication fizzles out by a stinging touch.

now, you turn your head toward the future. the snap of latex gloves and the slice of a scalpel. the desire to invent, to perform, to heal – anything along the way is a blip, a moment, but nothing that can’t be solved when you refuse to stop. your fate is in your hands.

background breakdown.

kennedy king is the son of two famous surgeons: dr. amanda peele-king ( mostly known as dr. peele ) and dr. jason king. both have made several advancements in their fields, dr. peele herself working on innovative tools to advance laparoscopic surgery as a general surgeon, and dr. king as a renowned cardiothoracic surgeon.

although his parents were absent more often than not due to their demanding work lives, kennedy knew from a young age that he wanted to follow in their footsteps. raised mostly by various nannies over the years, kennedy was bothered when he was younger when his parents didn’t make it to every recital; however, this was mostly erased as he grew old enough to understand their occupations.

it was love at first sight when kennedy visited the hospital. maybe not the bloody surgery part, but medicine in general, the intense need to know about the body. why it worked the way it did. he was absolutely fascinated. the time he did spend with his parents was used to soak up all the knowledge he could, and they never minded much. it gave them common ground to love the same thing, much unlike his older brother that didn’t have the same drive and passion for medicine the way he did.

the kings were glad to have one son that wanted to follow in their footsteps, and so even if there’s a large distance between them at times, kennedy has always had a fairly good relationship with his parents, even if that comes with immense pressure

personality breakdown.

to say he’s a perfectionist is an understatement. he simply refuses to go into a field and be the flop of the family, so his pursuit of knowledge is pretty unparalleled. he takes his studies seriously, and doesn’t really relate to the college life of skipping 8ams to nurse hangovers.

not that he doesn’t have them -– but we love a man that perseveres.

wish i had his confidence of just assuming everything’s going to go his way. his label means force or necessity, and that’s because kennedy has a way of making things working in his favor with pure force. ‘kennedy, aren’t you worried you’ll fail?’ ‘no.’ ‘how?i’ ‘because i won’t let myself. duh’

although he doesn’t have the softest personality due to the lack of being hugged as a child, kennedy, at his core, isn’t entirely evil. he’s capable of caring about people and does. he’s a passionate person, and that can translate to love and loyalty for the right people. he doesn’t half-ass anything, so when he commits it’s on.

still, the boy has quite an ego. for him to think something is good enough to commit to takes a bit. he’s got particular taste, never backs down from a fight, and almost annoyingly always thinks he’s right. his ambition can sometimes blind him to the point of selfishness at times, even if his heart is in the right place.

he’s got his good qualities, though! for someone he loves, he’s there. he’s quite dependent when he wants to be, and he’s smart as anything. if you need help getting out of a jam, his brain is basically hardwired to know how to land on his feet.

kennedy is very organized and put together. never catch a wrinkle, even on his plain t-shirts. he shows his love through helping: he’s more likely to help you clean your dorm or organize your study notes for your test than deliver a monologue on his love for you, but it counts! you just need to know what to look for.

a brat but sometimes a lovable brat.

wanted connections.

a best friend. kennedy grew up without serious parental figures, so i’d love a childhood best friend with him that accepts him for his serious personality flaws. he would be hella ride or die for this person, which he isn’t for much of anyone else, so that means quite a bit! someone to keep him grounded, call him out on his bullshit, but not completely destroy his ego.

exes. honestly, kennedy can be quite the petty man. i can envision a lot of ugly breakups in his past OR we can plot some exes on good terms! he’s not totally emotionally stunted, can be quite a good boyf when he wants to be, but also a complete nightmare too. any gender feel free to apply!

hookups. self-explanatory. college life. the nature of their relationship will be entirely dependent on the muses and their dynamic, but kennedy isn’t always the nicest to his casual flings depending on their dynamic. some friends with benefits could work, though, for positive casual connections.

enemies. okay, look at this bratty bitch. there is no way he doesn’t have some, if not many, enemies. he has a temper and doesn’t like to be told no, so if you ever wanna verbally spat it out, feel free. he won’t swing, tho. those are surgeon’s hands, baby.  

hate-to-love friendship. someone dopey or complete unambitious that somehow kennedy still loves despite them being total opposites. he doesn’t get why they don’t do their assignments, or why they fall asleep drunk in the bathtub twice a week, but he really can’t deny that they amuse him and he cares about them.

[seasonofthegeek]

Curly Fry Crush, Part 3

Thank you to the lovely @beany846 for commissioning a third part to the story!

Part 1, Part 2, Part 3:

Marinette opened her dorm room door, looking out expectantly. “Hi.”

“Hi!” Alya smiled. “You’re Marinette, right?”

“Yeah?”

“Excellent. I’m Alya. Can I come in?”

She blinked in surprise. “Um, sure?” She stepped back as Alya moved past her, apparently comfortable with entering a stranger’s room with little more than a name.

Alya looked around. “Adrien said you have a really bitchy roommate. I was almost hoping she was here so I could see who it is.” She picked up a picture on the desk across the room. “Oh, this has to be her. You can see it in her eyes.”

Marinette tried to hide her smile. “You’re a friend of Adrien’s?”

“Obviously he’s told you so much about me,” she replied dryly. “I’m Nino’s girlfriend. You know, Adrien’s roommate?”

“Right! The guy he works with too?”

“That’s the one,” she grinned. “So Adrien said you’re coming out with us tonight.”

Marinette blushed. “Uh, yeah, he asked me to.”

“On a date, right? Don’t let him pull this friends only crap on you. He hasn’t shut up since you showed up last week.”

Marinette let out a nervous laugh and Alya smiled. “Good,” she nodded. “I was hoping you were just as smitten as he is. Nino said you were but I don’t always trust his judgment. I was thinking we could hang out the rest of the day if you’re free?”

“I was going to study a little but I could always do that tomorrow.”

“How do you feel about shopping?”

“It’s one of my top five favorite activities,” Marinette laughed.

“I think we’re going to get along just fine.” _________________________

Marinette spotted Adrien standing in front of the line going into the club. Alya nudged her arm and she felt her cheeks grow hot. They'd spent most of the afternoon talking about Adrien and Alya had asked so many questions that Marinette ended up oversharing. She hoped Alya didn't feel the need to tell her friend just how desperate she sounded.

“Hey!” he smiled. “You guys made it.”

“Sorry we’re a little late,” Marinette apologized, ducking her head. “We ran into a sale at the mall.”

“And this girl knows how to find a deal,” Alya finished. “Look at this awesome dress she got to wear just for you, Sunshine.” She grabbed Marinette’s hand and led her into a spin as the other woman laughed.

“You look really nice, Mari,” Adrien flushed. “You guys hung out today?”

“We sure did, Sunshine.” Alya swooped in, hooking Marinette’s arm with her own. “Is Nino already inside?”

“Yeah,” he nodded. “You ready?”

“Lead the way,” Marinette smiled, sharing an excited look with Alya. _________________________

Alya had long since disappeared, winking at Marinette and making some excuse about being moral support for Nino. Adrien brought Marinette a drink that had a fruity scent and tasted sweet and made her mind buzz slightly and she was finally feeling relaxed. Her day with Alya had been fun but obviously orchestrated, Alya making her feelings about Adrien and his need for someone lovely and kind like Marinette apparent. She knew it hadn’t been Alya’s intention, but as soon as she and Adrien were alone, Marinette felt anxious and unsure of how to act.

“Are you okay?” he finally asked, half the label on his beer bottle torn to shreds.

Marinette shook her head. “Sorry. I’m being weird.”

“Not weird,” he argued. “I just feel like maybe I did something wrong?” His eyes sharpened. “Was it Alya? She told you what a dork I am, didn’t she? I knew it was a mistake to tell her what dorm you live in but she would’ve found out on her own. She’s smart like that.”

She laughed and wrapped her hands around her glass. “She only had the nicest things to say about you, I promise.”

He looked relieved. “Oh, good.”

“I like her. She was a lot of fun. It was nice to get to hang out with another girl. It’s been a while.”

Adrien beamed at her. “I was hoping you would enjoy it. Just so you know, it was all her idea. She wanted to get to know you.”

“I hope I passed the test.”

“I don’t see how you couldn’t.” He looked out over the dance floor. “Uh, how do you feel about dancing?”

“I love it but I’m not good at it,” Marinette winced.

“What if I lead?” Adrien stood and offered his hand, expression hopeful.

Marinette let him guide her to the dance floor, weaving in and out of couples and groups until they were close enough to the DJ stand to see Nino and Alya. Nino gave Adrien a wink and a nod and the bumping mix that had been playing transitioned into something smoother. Adrien blushed but pulled Marinette close, setting a gentle hand on her hip and wrapping the other around her.

Couples swayed around them and Marinette thought it felt more awkward to resist touching Adrien so she rested her cheek against his chest. She could hear his heartbeat clearly even with the volume of the music and it was a comforting sound. She felt his arms tighten around her and she inhaled deeply, smelling expensive cologne mingled with the slight odor of sweat. Something about that was endearing. She wondered if Adrien had been as nervous about their date as she was. _________________________

They had danced until their feet hurt, breaking to hang out with Nino and Alya while Nino had a playlist going. Hours later, Adrien was walking Marinette back to her dorm, her hand held tightly in his.

“I’m really glad you came out with us tonight,” he said with a small smile. “With me.”

“Me too. This whole day was just what I needed.” They stopped in front of her building and she looked back at it with a sigh. “I would invite you up for a movie or something but,” she gestured obscurely, “really mean roommate.”

“Ah, yeah,” he nodded. “I mean, it’s pretty late too.”

“Yeah,” Marinette blushed. “I guess it is.”

“Can I see you tomorrow?”

Her blush deepened. “I need to study tomorrow.”

“We can study together,” he grinned. “You could come over to our room. Nino goes to visit his family on Sundays. His grandmother made it a rule.”

“That would be really great.”

“Good,” he beamed. “Maybe we can even go get some curly fries.”

Marinette laughed. “You know, I do eat other things.”

Adrien winked and leaned in to kiss her cheek. “Have a good night, Mari. I can’t wait to see you tomorrow.”

Buy me a coffee?

[sparda3g]

Food Wars! Shokugeki no Soma Chapter 261 Review

We have finally reached to this point; the end of the road. Erina has already amazed the top 2 Elite 10 members, but they’re not the one to judge, so it does not count. Erina’s dish is finally served in this 2-part judgment process (I think). This chapter is the first to present Erina and her true form of specialty; unleashing her special perk. Having said to be part 1, it’s no doubt we are slowly savoring a magnificent taste of victory.

It’s no secret that Erina stole the battle singlehandedly; arguably the entire arc. She has been on a tremendous momentum and the ride won’t end until she can get the last laugh over azami. The last chapter was so satisfying for her character to evolve, pairing love increased tenfold, and her killing spree keeps on going. This chapter is where she will finally get to claim her rights to live as a sole person and mark the end of her father’s reign.

The tension deepens from the very first page with many characters including the audience, preparing to be amazed by Erina’s specialty. You would think it’s the protagonist that is on stage, about to blow them away, but it’s Erina. Wait, I think I contradicted myself…The moment of truth keeps on building up and Erina never look so alive and confidence with that second page.

Tsukuda is likely aware of the hype because it was purposely stalled further with Azami getting his last words while acting like a father in a rare occasion before meeting his ultimate defeat. It’s all the merrier to hate the guy, trying to ruin the hype. It was strange to see him talking like a caring father, as if he decided to be concern of her. He points out how she was breathing heavily after improvising for 10 minutes. The problem is he’s more concern on the presentation.

Somehow, he deviates from his concern on her health towards the representation of a chef. According to him, if they improvise or try to cook something unusual, it would force them to work so hard; much difficult than what’s already established. He’s not wrong about that, but it’s not as inventive, hence lack of enthusiasm. Because of that, he finds her dish unacceptable. It comes off like a cheap excuse and act like sore loser; however, it actually does play a role and key to his character.

This is like a cooking series’ version of “any last word” moment. Think of a scene of when a character about to do something that will change forever, the other character would plead to do otherwise. Case in point, Azami tried to convince Erina that her dish shall not be served due to health and such; but Erina, the Queen she is, has decided. She will serve and thus, breaking all chains from Azami completely. I have been surprised plenty of times from the last chapter, and yet this one surprised me as well.

The special insert is none other than Furi-freaking-kake!

I forgot to mention in my last review. The part I like about the callback that this series does is how it is done in an appropriate timing that isn’t just nostalgia, but it serves a significant purpose. It’s hilarious that Erina used peanut butter and squid for her dish; however, it’s fascinating how it connects to the main theme of creativity. It was always portrayed as the worst dish imaginable, but Erina made it work. If it can be delicious, then nothing is impossible. It is this series’ version of “anyone can cook.”

In this chapter, it’s the furikake that amazes the judges with its transformation. The detail of how it slowly melts really made it look so good. Saeki went out of his way to zoom in a piece of meat with the cube on top slowly dissolving. There has to be a restaurant for me to try; it’s drool worthy. Decora more or less described my reaction just by looking at it. Finally, the tasting process commences and Azami activates Erina’s trap card. He look awed judging by his eyes. You have done that to yourself.

Surprise, surprise, Decora and Anne got foodgasm, now with tentacle…well, you know what (serious note: is there a better word than that?) Actually, instead of tentacle that wraps around the two judges, it’s the egg sauce or juice that engulfed them. Saeki really spent a lot of time in his early days as Toshi huh. If stripping isn’t the endgame, this could be it. The description of the taste favors towards to creativity because they are awestruck beyond anything. Never would they have imagined that there could be something more than what’s already considered “perfect.”

I do like the full picture of the foodgasm (not the wrapping) where they are once living in a good life with what they already have. Everything changes when Erina attacks. Her specialty is so blessing that the servants of God have arrive to carry them to the heaven heights. It’s a funny, charming, and delighting way to describe the taste in the nutshell. How adorable those little Erinas are; it reminds me of chapter 3 with Soma. Now it brings me to this point: Erina’s specialty.

The thing about her specialty is quite terrifying. She is like jack of all trades and now, she can master of all. Actually, it’s more like polishing or harmonizing for a unique balance. The reason why it’s amazing is because her choices of recipe are what they are considered as: low-class. If she can convert it and make it at least redeemable like with peanut butter and squid, she can make anything delicious like 5-star class; perhaps even more. It’s why the resemblance to Soma’s little servants happened here; it’s the same, only in its master form, at least in her own way.

Her specialty goes against everything Azami believes in. I don’t know if Azami was aware of her specialty to be this, but if so, it would make a lot of sense for his action to be painful that ultimately manipulated her. She has a gift that can influence anyone to cook the way they see fit. It’s like what she believed in: cooking is fun. She pretty much was his enemy from the get-go. If he can enslave her, he can twist it to his favor by converting her God Tongue into “there can only be one way” morale.

Erina completes her development against Azami. The days of his control over her are long gone. This is her farewell. She was the bird in the cage; now flying away towards freedom. She calls it “True Gourmet Flying Away from the Academy: Delinquent Daughter Style.” Looks like Yukihara rub even got to her in naming as well. How they won’t be together will be a war crime of the century.

It’s about time to see Azami losing his cool after everything. He finally reached to the tipping point; no longer put an evil smile to hide his actual feeling. Actually, I do recall him bit his finger after confronting with Alice, humiliated no less. He has bad luck against female Nakiri I suppose. In all seriousness, he does have a flashback that brings the light to why he said those words about “concern” before.

The flashback lasts a page and 1/3 but it’s enough to give you an idea where he established the problem he sought fit to eliminate. Before Jouichirou lost his love with cooking, he was experimenting different recipes with the dish that he won gold prize with. Azami didn’t understand why he tried to change something that is already perfected, but he told him that it fascinated him to see other possibilities such as flavors. It was his belief that Azami believed what got him “damaged.”

Azami was portraying like a killer from a case from Phoenix Wright the video game; nearly about to break and show his true color to everyone. It is filled with angry words that continuously deny anything else but his. It’s no wonder his character acted unusual when Erina was breathing hard. He believed Jouichirou gave up his passion because he tried too hard to find other means and because of testing many recipes, he burnt out. Worn out Erina probably resembles him in his view. That would explain his reaction towards his farewell; like he knew why he left Tootsuki.

It’s not the same with Tsukasa because his problem was to find the upmost perfection, even when he was getting great reception. Tsukasa could be manipulated to find only one path to cooking; that’s why Azami wanted him on his side. The irony is that even if everyone follows the way of one path, they will eventually be burnt out from little to no joy. Probably even at a quicker rate than what he could imagine because reality is it won’t work at all. There’s no escaping from fallout or a perfect solution.

The ending is…interesting. Well, more like the first impression because apparently the series took a dark turn with a bomb explosion. It perplexed the hell out of me that Erina became a complete antagonist. Soma was crying but later raged over her betrayal and said the line, “You traitor!” Okay, none of that happened, but the explosion did and that alone was still strange. Erina must have Plan B to secure her win.

Azami has a shock look in his face; again, another moment of slowly coming to his defeat. Judging by the yelling, it appears that his “blessing” has begun its effect to the audience. I don’t know if it will be a domino effect as in everyone will slowly get stripped away or the shock factor is how his blessing can spread out in far distance. The former is expected by fans, but I wouldn’t mind the latter one as well. Not sure about the explosion part but this is a cooking manga.

I just love how it ends with Erina about to make Azami her pawn. He has been the ruler for far too long; what goes around comes around. Erina can cook an amazing dish that can beyond any expectation. Azami asked for a death flag by announcing his technique to everyone; she would get her point across even stronger. If she can make a Nakiri or in this case her father to cause bursting, making everyone stripped, she can cook a dish with the snap of her finger.

*snaps*

…just like that…

It’s the first part of the thrilling conclusion. It may not end up as a 2-part judgment process, but it is certainly the beginning of the end of Azami’s ambitious plan. The artwork is nice, even with the foodgasm scene. Erina continued to be the most impressive person on Earth with her delighting determination and blissful touch to the dish that is already mouthwatering. It was sublime to see her development coming this far and now, she is about to rule the world. Grant us that win!

[electricbluebutterflies]

for you the shadows fight

They are together, they are made whole.

Or, a different take on the end of 2x03. Title from “Wish That You Were Here” by Florence + The Machine. (It took me five installments to end up using a Florence lyric. Be proud of me, y’all.) Part five of standing in the same light. NSFW content ahead and also on ao3.

In the midst of the chaos - aka Agent Christopher working her way through what sounds like a creative combination of swear words in at least three different languages - nobody notices Lucy slip away. And nobody notices that Flynn follows her. And if anyone did, Lucy justifies herself, they might assume she needed time to compose herself and he decided to tag along to protect her because… well, she's not really sure how that part would get justified. But it would. Somehow.

Point is, the spare room - his room now, she figures, hasn't been made official yet but there's nowhere else to put another body - is currently the quietest part of the bunker. That is enough absolution for whatever questionable choices she's about to make.

"It took him that long?" Flynn shrugs once the door is shut and it's just the two of them, clearly wanting to figure out what hell he's been thrown into before-

"Yeah. Probably my fault." Or not, Lucy reminds herself, a lot has happened over the past couple days, but… yeah, probably her fault. (She was a little drunk and wanted to be touched, and she doesn't regret any of that, but goddamn she should've learned not to fuck coworkers by now.)

"What happened?"

She could lie. She probably should lie, if she wants any kind of physical contact with the man opposite her ever again. But she's inherently bad at these situations, and it'd be best to get it over with now, and-

"I slept with him. Seemed like a good idea at the time. Guess it wasn't."

For a few moments, the room is dead silent and still. Flynn's face seems to go through the five stages of grief in succession, processing this unexpected information and ultimately settling on some form of grouchy acceptance. Better than she'd hoped for, but not by much.

"If he can't appreciate you, he doesn't deserve you."

Even more unexpected, and there's a certainty in Flynn's voice that she's pretty sure she hasn't heard before. Hell, she's listened to the man talk about completely wiping a great evil from existence through any means necessary on several occasions and even that sounded less determined than this.

She steps back, leaning against the concrete wall because she doesn't trust herself to stay upright without some kind of support. Oh, this is not going according to plan.

"I don't think that's-"

He crosses the space between them and leans down and kisses her differently than she expects. There's a certain animal instinct here, something she's never tasted before, the fire guiding his actions and giving him permission to claim her just a little bit. With her permission, of course. She knows no lines will be intentionally crossed, but-

"You knew better."

"I was lonely. And alcohol was involved. And I don't think I regret that."

She pulls him back down and tries to show him with her body, if not quite her words, that her little adventure of a couple days ago doesn't actually mean anything. She's still choosing this, someone she actually loves, and she's not sure if now is the time to admit that - probably not, she decides, she should at least wait until their aftermath and complete the cliché - but she feels it. Mistakes happen, and some are bigger than others, but her heart still lies here.

Her heart lies here, she repeats over and over again in her head as she kisses him and tries not to cry, and the rest of her will follow.

Flynn notices her conflict, in that strange subtle way he does, and abruptly lets go of her. "Are you hurt?"

"I think we're about even on screwing each other over at this point," Lucy counters. No, she's not hurt, she's just frustrated with herself and would like to fast-forward to the part of this encounter where they test the weight limits of the cot against that wall there and words aren't necessary. By then, she's pretty sure she'll be able to be a person, but right now-

"That's not an answer."

"What do you want then? Some kind of apology for me being an actual person with desires and bad judgment? Would that be enough to make you shut up and distract me?"

"Is that all this is for you? A distraction?"

He's hurt, she sees that now. And why wouldn't he be? Sure, at least some of what she's done since the last time they were alone together was an accident, but not all of it. And the unintentional bleeds just as pretty, and-

"No." One little word. One step at a time. She can do this.

"Then what is it?"

Lucy takes a deep breath, steadies herself against the wall, and braces for the worst. This is the bravest thing she's ever done, she thinks, she's had so many moments this past year that have qualified but this here means more than any of them. (And might have more consequences if she screws up.)

"I might be falling for you." Might. Best to tone it down, best to pretend she's not so sure, best to-

She expects some kind of reaction about how that's not enough either. Instead he kisses her, deep and desperate and full of want, and she knows she's done the right thing. Or at least a good thing. Is there any right or wrong anymore? Is there any point on the morality spectrum where they fall? Is there-

All conscious thought turns off as they start undressing each other. There's a flow to it that Lucy hasn't noticed before, perhaps because this time they stand as equals or perhaps because feelings have been established or perhaps because modern clothes are just easier. Whatever the explanation, she lets herself get lost in the moment. They can go as slow as they want this time, and they kiss and touch and wander accordingly. No rush, no pressure, nothing at all in their way.

She's not sure what the journal says about this moment, or if it's even mentioned - she's still a decade from writing it, after all - but she thinks she's going to include a list of Flynn's scars somewhere in there to confirm that she truly knows him in all the ways. There are some interesting ones, and she knows how the recent wound on his side got there - still not fully healed, her fingers trace the center line with a kind of reverence - but the others are mysteries and someday she will ask about some of them. Someday, but not now. Someday-

His hands cup her breasts, thumbs flicking over her nipples just so, and she growls. Damn this man and his frustrating everything.

"You like that," he murmurs. Yeah, he's definitely keeping some kind of mental list about her sexual preferences.

Before she can even try to say something about how maybe this is enough foreplay and she'd like to be horizontal on a thin mattress right now, he leans down and feathers kisses in her cleavage. Sweet, almost, and then he sucks a mark below her left breast and she knows what's actually going on. He's claiming her, in the most gentle way that one could do such a thing, and she is so very into it.

His mouth continues its path down her body and he drops to his knees and okay, she sees where this is going and she didn't expect it but maybe she should've. Of course he's the sort of person who, when determined to enjoy another human being, would go down on said person. Lucy has minimal standards on that front at best, and honestly isn't that into that particular act, but she's curious enough to go with it.

If nothing else, she figures as she spreads her legs and leans back against the wall once more, the odds of this one biting her clit are pretty low.

Again, Flynn has a very defined way of doing things and this is no exception. What he (probably) lacks in experience, he makes up for in determination and an instinctive knowledge of her body. He has a clear goal here and effectively finds the right pressures and places, but at the same time there's no rush and it's lovely… enough that Lucy arches back in a less-than-ideal way and hits her head on the wall. Hard.

"We need to pause this." She's gonna have a bruise. And probably need to steal a hat next time she goes on a mission.

"I should've known better." He's back on his feet in a heartbeat and pulls her into his arms, hands in her hair until he finds the point of impact and strokes it. Gods, this day just keeps getting weirder. "Stop?"

"Only if you want to. I think I'll be okay - nothing's spinning, I'm probably fine. But this would be easier on the cot, if you're okay with-"

He lifts her up and sets her down on the mattress, careful as ever. She's pretty sure this damn thing will collapse under the weight of both of them, but now is not the time to say it so she just keeps her mouth shut and lets him wander back to his previous destination, his head between her thighs like it belongs there. Oh, the mental image alone is worth everything, and the sensations…

Yeah, she definitely has a thing about his hands. One finger probes her core as he sucks on her clit, then a second right as he finds the right place, and she is overwhelmed.

He's still there when she comes back down, looking up at her like she might be the most beautiful thing he's ever seen, and her heart melts a little.

"You want me?" she breathes.

"Only if you do."

She nods, and he finds a place above her. He knows damn well she's as wet and ready as she's gonna get, but he still checks before slowly thrusting into her. This part, she will get used to first. The rest of this relationship will take more time, but his body colliding with hers is easy. She blanks out again, focusing on sensations as best she can. They are together, they are made whole, they are-

"Close," he murmurs.

"Good."

She kisses him, not wanting to take risks, and he finishes inside her and she will get used to this too. She will get used to the aftermath, the un-shifting and rearranging of bodies so they can cuddle, and the gentle kisses as he moves her body on top of his.

"What, you're not gonna run this time?" she laughs.

"Nowhere to go. We're in a concrete box underground, and we might not get this kind of time again. Might as well enjoy it."

She rests her head on his shoulder and decides not to fight it.

[no-gorms]

Cas and Dean at a neighborhood potluck, in an AU where they’re both kinda assholes. (ao3)

Castiel is still arranging his trio of bowls on the table when Meg wanders over. He refuses to be cowed by her judgmental squint, and keeps moving them until they’re in their best configuration.

“Ah,” Meg says, “so you went with the salsa.”

“I’m regretting it a little,” Castiel admits. “Don’t know how long it’ll last in this weather.”

“I did tell you,” Meg says. “But at least you’re wearing the shirt that makes you look like saran-wrapped beef, so not all my advice was wasted.”

“I’m wearing this because it’s comfortable, not because you said so.” Castiel ignores her protesting eye-roll and adds, “What did you bring?”

“Cupcakes. They’re on the dessert table.”

“Store-bought?”

“Obviously,” Meg says. “It’s not like it’s false advertising. I told Anna that it’d be for the best if I don’t inflict my cooking on people, and she agreed. Give me that, I want to try.”

Castiel stands back while Meg takes a tortilla chip, and represses the urge to scold her when she scoops out an exorbitant amount of salsa from the main bowl. It’s far from Castiel’s first potluck but the whole thing still makes him nervous for no reason he can pinpoint; he’s hardly known for his cooking so it’s not like anyone has expectations, and he always, always prepares something easy and unremarkable.

Still he waits, uncomfortable, while Meg chews and swallows.

At long last Meg says, “It’s all right.”

Castiel relaxes. “Thank you. Maybe later you can help me finish it off if there’s leftovers.”

“Hell no,” Meg scoffs. “I’m keeping space for Dean’s pies.”

“Winchester’s brought pies, plural?” Castiel looks around for the noisiest corner of get-together, for chances are that’s where Dean Winchester can be found. Sure enough there he is, hiding his face behind his hands, for some reason trying to avoid Jo and Benny’s attempts to take a picture of him. Castiel sighs. “What am I talking about, of course he did.”

“I’ll get you a slice, don’t worry,” Meg says, ignoring Castiel’s side-eye. “Actually, I’m going to go try Rufus’ mini-cheesesteaks, so you can stay here and be anxious about your salsa by yourself.”

“I’m not…” Castiel trails off because Meg’s gone, weaving her way through the crowd for the mains table.

It’s a decent turn-out today, and Castiel’s actually very happy for Anna, what with it being the first time she’s hosted the semi-regular potluck. Castiel’s mild anxiousness pales in the face of Anna’s past week, rushing through plans and secondary plans, eventually settling on doing the neighborhood gathering in her wonderfully-decorated terrace and backyard, which would honestly put even the Romans to shame.

Castiel usually doesn’t stay long for these get-togethers, but he’s decided to hang around this once, for Anna’s sake.

So he tries a little bit of everything, and talks a little bit with everyone, and then retreats behind the drinks table with a plate of finger food and a tall glass of blue something that he’ll take as long as possible to finish. Every so often he checks to see where Anna is, and if she looks more harassed than usual – she isn’t – and then lets his mind wander to his checklist of things he needs to do when he gets home.

Castiel is trying to decide whether he needs to clean the ceiling or deal with upstairs sink first, when he registers the presence of a person nearby, just pressing into his personal space and possibly has been trying to get his attention. Castiel looks over and bites back another sigh.

“Oh, hey,” Dean says. He’s grinning, which is the norm for him.

“Hello,” Castiel says warily.

“So, I was wondering,” Dean says, which has Castiel thinking frantically of an excuse as to why he hasn’t tried any of Dean’s pies yet, “and I can’t figure it out. Which one’s yours?”

“The salsa,” Castiel says.

“Really? I tried that, it was pretty good.”

“Thank you.”

“Spicy,” Dean says. “Like you.”

“Good god, here we go,” Castiel mutters under his breath. More normally, he adds, “Yes, that was on purpose. It was a commentary on my personality.”

“So what’s it say about me that I like making pies?” Dean says thoughtfully. “And it’s not even like I’m doing anything different – everyone here knows it’s my shtick, and I made ‘em anyway.”

“It’s saying that you’re predictable?”

Dean nods, with a kind of exaggerated air that sets Castiel further on edge. Dean’s like a living cartoon character sometimes, so loud and tactile and enthusiastic about whatever has his interest today. “Maybe I could try being unpredictable,” Dean says.

“I think that would be more terrifying,” Castiel says flatly.

“I could start by saying, hey, Cas, you look really nice today.”

Castiel starts, and scowls slowly. “What?”

“The get-up,” Dean says, gesturing vaguely at Castiel. “You look good. I mean, you usually don’t—”

“If this is going to be like the time you made fun of my shirt and tie, I think you’d better stop.”

“Hey, it wasn’t going to be,” Dean says airily. “It wasn’t, because you do look nice. Actually you look nice all the time; the problem is just your regular choice of shirts and ties get in the way.”

“There it is,” Castiel sighs.

“I didn’t mean it like…” Dean exhales. “Do over. You look nice. Period.”

“Thank you.” Castiel considers Dean’s look – he’s still wearing his usual plaid and jeans, but it’s a nicer set that accentuates the tapering of his torso. “You look nice, too.”

Dean winks. “I know.”

“Oh good lord.” Castiel turns away a little, needing reprieve from the full-frontal of Dean’s charm. Almost everyone else in their little community loves it and him – Dean’s made more friends in the past few months than people Castiel’s known ever – and Castiel’s somehow ended up one of the last bulwarks of indifference to Winchester charisma.

It’s not even that Dean’s a bad guy. He can be funny and thoughtful, and has volunteered more often than is necessary for community events, but he’s just so much, and he keeps doing things like pointing out Castiel’s prickliness and indifference to fashion and tendency to forget to do anything respectable to his hair (which most people at least choose to politely ignore or not notice).

Hell, the first time they met, Dean made fun of Castiel’s car to a friend, not realizing that Castiel was in earshot. Then when Castiel made himself known and called Dean an ass, Dean hadn’t had the decency to be embarrassed, oh no. Dean took that as invitation to ask Castiel to take a ride in Dean’s ridiculous muscle car, and his whole face lit up when Castiel flipped him off. (Okay, Castiel hadn’t flipped him off, but he thought about it, and it must’ve been evident on his face.)

Castiel still tenses up a little whenever he hears Dean’s car around the neighborhood.

Whatever the case, this is the routine. Dean is being Dean, and Castiel feels like it’s his moral responsibility to be as aggressively Castiel right back at him.

“Did you even try my pie this time?” Dean asks.

“No,” Castiel says.

“You still hung up on the last time I asked if you wanted to try?”

“Oh, that private taste-test in your house you talked about?” Castiel asks. “Yes, I remember that quite vividly.”

“I mean, lots of people would be flattered,” Dean says. “You saw how quick this one went? And I wasn’t even using my best crusts.”

“My loss.”

“My loss. The joy isn’t just in the making. It’s in others enjoying it. I mean – I enjoyed your salsa. Really, I did.” Dean smiles, broad and hopeful, and this right here is the problem with Dean: the actual earnestness in between the flash and bang.

“Thank you,” Castiel says weakly.

Dean blinks, looking almost distracted for a second, then shakes his head. It’s hardly new for Castiel to be confused around Dean, but he’s even more confused than usual when Dean turns to him with as serious and determined an expression as he’s ever seen, and says, “Okay Cas, have you been to Jody’s since she refurbished?”

“No?” Castiel says.

“You really should. Wednesday nights are great, she has a special that is – well, if I say it’s amazing, it has to be amazing.”

“I’m sure it is.”

“So you’ll go?”

Castiel shrugs. “I haven’t been in a while, so yes, I’d probably go one of these days.”

“Wednesday,” Dean presses. “Wednesday’s are good, like this coming Wednesday.”

“I suppose that’s doable.”

“So you’ll go? This Wednesday? Jody’s right over there, can I tell her?”

“Uh…” Castiel thinks quickly – he doesn’t think he has anything on for that day, and he has been meaning to see the new place. “Sure, I think that’ll work.”

“That’s a yes?” Dean’s eyes are wide with disbelief. “Fuck me, that’s a yes. Okay, you won’t regret it, I swear. I’ll see you there, or, or do you want me to pick you up?”

“What?” Castiel says.

“Yeah, we can decide that later, but anyway, it’ll be great, I’m gonna show you a good time and… Wait, you’re doing that frowny face at me, did I miss something? This not cool? You don’t want to have dinner with me? Because that’s… okay, too.”

“Uh,” Castiel says. “Dinner with you?”

“Yeah?” Dean says, suddenly hesitant. “At Jody’s. On Wednesday?”

“Oh,” Castiel says. “Okay.”

Dean’s grin has possibly never been this blinding before. “Cool. I’m gonna go let Jody know, I’ll be right back.”

Castiel blinks at the empty space where Dean was standing a second ago. “What.”

+

Honor be damned, Castiel flees to the kitchen where he finds Anna and Raphael scrounging around and yelling at each other about missing spare cups.

“Anna!” Castiel exclaims.

“Do you know where the spare cups are?” Anna asks. “Because I could have sworn there was a bag on the table and it’s… What’s wrong with you?”

“I think Dean might have been hitting on me,” Castiel says.

Anna and Raphael seem to freeze in place, cups forgotten as they both slowly turn to stare at him.

“Really?” Anna says in an odd tone. “No way.”

“Wow,” Raphael says. “Unbelievable.”

“I know, unbelievable.” Castiel thinks. “Maybe I was just imagining it.”

“Oh no,” Anna moans, jabbing Raphael in the side. “Trust that initial gut reaction, Cas. If you think Dean was hitting on you, he probably was.”

“But it’s just so…” Castiel tilts his head. “Actually, I think your cups are on top of the fridge.”

“But we just—oh.” Anna bounces up on her tiptoes just as Raphael reaches above her, grabbing the bag and pulling them down. The pair of them start rushing back outside, but Anna manages to call over her shoulder, “I’ll catch up with you later! I want all the details!”

But in order to do that, Castiel needs all the details, and he has the feeling he’s missing some of them.

His phone buzzes just then, and he looks down to see a message from Dean (yes, Castiel has his number, they’ve been on committees together), which says: “knew you liked me! is ok I like you too ;)”

“Fuck,” Castiel says.