#okay I'm done now before this becomes a essay on its own

[darkladylumiya]

One of these days I'm gonna take all of the ramblings I've done about Star Wars in various Discord servers and put them on here for five people to read, and when that day comes you're all fucked.

[cosmos-dot-semicolon]

As someone who loves Inscryption despite its flaws I GOTTA know: what are your thoughts on its faults? I've seen you vague post about it and I'm so curious (also, hi!)

hiiiii :3 Lovely to see you reach out after you seeing you always pop up in the tags :D

To be clear, I still like Inscryption despite its flaws. It’s *interesting* as a piece of art, and that’s way better than a game that just technically checks off all the boxes of being playable. Like, I’ve been able to write several thousand words’ worth of a video essay script on this game, covering both the good and bad. It’s that fascinating to me.

Since I don’t want to unload 40 minutes’ worth of text on you here, I’ll just say my main thesis is that the game brushes up against a ton of genuinely cool ideas, but the developer never seems to notice them because he’s too married to the way things were done in Pony Island, and what people who like Meta Games expect. And Inscryption keeps so much info in the dark that you only realise this at the end.

The genre shifts are the biggest sticking point for me. If you know the developer already (or have watched someone else play the game), you’re perfectly fine with them being there. But if you’re someone like me who played the demo and then jumped in blind, you’re going to be burned by the shift to act 2 (and to Luke), which is nothing you would expect from the wonderful aesthetic act 1 mostly relies on. Even though I *like* both act 1 and 2, I kind of have to like them for separate things (i.e. a beautifully haunting roguelike based off forest folklore vs a deckbuilder exploring the worst art-kid polycule divorce you’ve ever seen).

The culmination of this is Kaycee’s mod, which I love, but is an implicit admission that the creator didn’t actually know his own strengths. An endless mode to only one third of your game is not a common thing to add in after launch, especially if you’re not early-access.

Then in act 2, outside of its lore, the game’s theme becomes the idea of games as art. The Scrybes are both multi-faceted characters in their own right and proxies of game design philosophies.

Leshy is the visceral experience of being in another world, while his actual game is pretty janky. Grimora is pure fun (which is a great contrast against her death aesthetic). P03 is the very specific way some designers get obsessed with game mechanics above all else and produce the most mid games you’ve ever seen. Magnificus is spectacle to the point it’s stupidly hard to actually play his deck.

Throughout both takeovers, there are always items or mechanics from the other Scrybes popping up. The stand-alone campaigns are arguably better than act 2 because they’re much more focused, yet Leshy and P03 both still can’t escape the influence of their colleagues.

This is all extremely interesting characterisation and commentary on game design that all goes unsaid. And as much as I dislike Luke Carder’s plot, I’ve spoken before about how the themes his story touch on would be a fantastic fit for that meta-commentary.

All this is great, self-contained within act 2. But the way the finale (and arguably act 3’s more lore-based segments) are written afterwards implies that wasn’t intentional at all. The culmination of this game is that all the Scrybes get deleted and go out in a sudden bombastic finale like in Pony Island and then 😱 maybe this guy shouldn’t have looked for secrets… Because now he’s dead IRL…

And it’s like. Okay? Sure. That looked cool I think. But what is the point of the story then, exactly?

So much happens in so little time in the finale. The writing is basically speedrunning all 3 of the remaining Scrybes’ arcs, and then has to reveal the OLD_DATA affecting Luke, and then has to show him getting killed. And you still don’t know what’s going on.

Then you go looking online for secrets and read that actually the evil glitch thing that was mentioned maybe twice in act 2 was important, and was the entire motivation for the plot. Also everything’s technically linked to the dev’s other games.

And I just. Do not think that is interesting at all, compared to the more carefully designed, and more character and theme-driven stories.

Daniel Mullins' work is unique in how whole-heartedly he includes meta elements, and I just think it's a shame he didn't take the opportunity to explore further beyond his usual comfort zone, as you might've expected from how different Inscryption's aesthetic is to his other games.

It should also not have taken that long to get to the point if the main story was a straight-forward evil artefact plot. Which the creator has already done in a more concise game years ago.

I think Kaycee’s mod tackles a lot of Inscryption's main issues, and I’m loving its smaller plot and more consistent pacing more than whatever the fuck was going on with Luke. But objectively I think it’s a big ask to force people to go through like. Everything after act 1. So they can play a potentially better version of the game.

[mdhwrites]

I really love your post about why the anti-discrimination theme falls flat on TOH.

Honestly, applied to Amphibia, the issue is taken care of. From S1, we saw how frogs are treated and the injustice and inequality in the whole hierarchy. For example, despite being called Frog Valley, there are no frog majors but toad majors like Toadstool and he used to be awful and greedy.

Then we have the toad lords and soldiers who subjugate towns like Grime used to instead of protecting them. And the newts are either annoyingly arrogant like Duckweed or inside their own world, that kind of is explained in how Newtopia looks so fancy while the rest of Amphibia is medieval and surrounded by monsters.

Most importantly, many characters have a point of view or conflict related to the hierarchy and the state of their society. The Dinner and The Three Armies showed the biases of Grime, Beatrix, Hop Pop, Tritonio, and others against each other but instead of leaving it like that to be pessimistic or not addressing it, all Amphibia faced those issues to create a more harmonious and just society for everyone.

Okay so two things first. 1: Context for Amphibia fans is that I did a blog discussing how TOH accidentally discriminates against the demons of the demon realm and only promotes the most human of them, thus making a theme of anti-discrimination... Rough to put it mildly. Link here. 2: I don't think Amphibia explicitly has a theme of anti-discrimination either. It touches on it in ways but those ways are mostly due to one of its other core themes: Community. That's not all surprising either because it's hard to talk about community without also talking about inclusivity to those communities and allowing those communities to at least have a personality.

Now yes, you're absolutely right that the end of the series actually explicitly discusses the actual bigotry that each culture has towards each other in admittedly not my favorite but a fine episode. I actually want to expand from just the literal text though for why I think Amphibia does such a good job at not demonizing any of the races despite the fact that two of them may as well exist to be villainous. After all, the toads and the newts are often adversaries to the main characters. Wasn't that a problem for TOH?

Yes... Which makes it a good thing that the first adversary for Anne is the frogs.

Actually deep diving how Amphibia handles race, inclusivity, etc. like that is FASCINATING. You could probably do an entire college essay based solely on this one aspect because the show actually portrays multiple versions of communities and acceptance into them masterfully. I'm going to only briefly touch on each but I could probably say more on all of them and this actually includes humans as well which arguably might be Amphibia's one stumble on the issue but it's not a big one.

Let's start with that inflammatory line though. Of all the races, the frogs are actually just explicitly the most racist. They are against ANYTHING they don't know. Even other humans after Anne are entirely based on their perception of Anne. It actually takes Anne returning and showing fallibility for Sasha to become her own person to the community who is on par with Anne despite all she's done for them. Before then, the closer you are to her in their eyes, the more acceptable you are. They explicitly state this with Marcy. Otherwise, you're just a weird thing to potentially be purged because you are dangerous for being unknown. This is explicitly something Anne has to overcome, including one episode where she becomes popular by becoming more frog-like through her zits. The Plantars are the closest to being progressive in the town and even Polly can get swept up into mob mentality when the people get ready to take down Marcy (if I'm remembering the joke right).

The upside to the frogs is supreme loyalty to each other. While Toadstool is self serving and selfish, even he eventually figures out that he likes the frog way of thinking. The community you are a part of means the world to you. It is arguably the most important thing besides family. They play at war with each other because no one can actually hate someone in this community. Once you are in, you have the protection of ALL. It's just getting that acceptance is hard.

So even the race we spend the most time with is actually still flawed in some way. It is not perfect. How about the one that theoretically is the most evil? One could argue the Newts but that's more got to do with the combined culture of Amphibia which we only get Andrias as a main show of besides the one episode in the past. I do not want to say Andrias represents all newts, even if his ideas are still obviously in the current culture of newts, hence why I won't say they're the most antagonistic.

The toads on the other hand are fascinating because while they are brutal conquerors and willing to subjugate others, they're also theoretically the most inclusive. They are the closest to a meritocracy in Amphibia. If you can prove your battle prowess and ability to lead, even a gangly weirdo from another world can rise quickly and take a role of power. However, this culture is also part of why they're such a joke/a problem. The passionate rise to the top while the grunts are mostly going to be complacent and the toads still push a "Got mine, fuck you" mentality so that once a job is done, selfishness takes hold. This is why they're good at taking a city but bad at keeping it because they lack discipline because as a community, they don't have either a national ideal to work for like the newts or each other like the frogs. Each one proves themselves but that also makes each of them in competition with one another. It also explains why they're willing to subjugate a people because if they were worth their own lives, they would be able to resist.

Grime is actually the exception here from everything we can see. Beatrix even takes a loss from a frog better than Grime. Grime is different from a lot of Toads though and seems to hold a more personal need to prove himself, rather than that being strictly personal. He gets knocked down lower on defeat and rises higher in triumph. It takes longer than it likely would have with other captains for him to recognize that Sasha's ability to get rid of her guard is impressive and deserving of re-evaluation because he's not willing to admit he's wrong. He is the one toad who will take a city and stay vigilant because he is stubborn enough to not want to lose those gains no matter the cost, hence why he seems to constantly look for a status quote he can keep a hold of rather than seeking endless glory. Sprig challenges that most explicitly and so he lashes out with anger rather than the admiration that he should. The admiration that the toads who Anne first met liked in her when they thought she could be ruthless and strong. Those toads in fact accepted her WAY faster than even potentially the Plantars as Sprig needed his life to be saved first.

Next let's talk about the newts. We get weirdly more time with their society than even the toads but I don't know how much I'd say we actually learn about it which is an issue with Marcy as well. Buuuut this actually is in line with their culture. They're more of a melting pot where they are both more enlightened in that everyone gets a fair shake but they're much more rigid. It's probably the closest to modern America we get where you CAN apply for an important job but you need the connections, open doors, etc. like that to get it. You can prove yourself but it will only get you so far and people will only care so much.

A large part of this is actually in how the newts specifically treat Marcy. Where as someone so high in the ranks for toads would be respected and have friends simply due to being so outstanding, see Sasha, Marcy has a position but no acceptance beyond that. Respect but no friends. They are willing to use her because she is the most useful tool for a job but they aren't going to act like they'reclose with her for that. Not without, sadly enough, a reason to. Olivia keeps her at arm's length, the other advisors don't really seem to actually have a relationship with her but Andrias does because she fits into his plans best if she trusts him.

Sprig also gets to demonstrate this because his interesting worldview gives him a position in the society but no special treatment besides getting that position. He still has to prove himself in all the same ways and while some quirkiness is allowed, you must keep THEIR peace. Even the frogs allow for more individuality once you are in their community. But again, it's a little rough when it comes to the newts because Marcy isn't actually a look into their culture like Sasha is for the toads as she never gets episodes just about her in Newtopia like Sasha does with Grime. I'd be intrigued about what the journal potentially changes about this.

ANWAYS, for the last one we have the Thai community and humanity. Or more so the former. I don't know if there's a unifying concept for humanity as a whole, which is befitting the treatment of the trio's mix of perspectives as well, but more a theme of optimism. That people may be lazy and a bit self serving but most people's hearts are in the right place. That they care.

The Thai community is the only one I really want to talk about because Thai Temple is admittedly one of my favorite episodes of Amphibia period. As someone who grew up in Alaska, I actually related to Anne not seeing the beauty of her culture really well. There's a highway in Alaska that sandwiches you perfectly besides mountain cliffs and the ocean and it is GORGEOUS. Aaaand I stopped caring about it because it became routine. I closed my mind to it. Like nature will accept you though if you are willing to give it the time, so is the Thai Community at the temple. If you show interest, interest will be shown back. That's why the Plantars are easily adopted into it because the people there want to share who they are, they're probably just not used to people actually being interested.

There's more I could say that dips more into the community aspects but how they treat Anne, Oum and Bea are a different subject (all of it positive and makes me sad as a straight white dude who doesn't keep religion honestly) but yeah, I hope this shows how Amphibia looks at acceptance, community and how different people treat those who are different in varying ways. Like I said, this is also still mostly scratching the surface as probably a lot more could be said about each. Even the original ask brings up how the walls of Newtopia cuts the newts off from nature itself while somewhere like Wartwood has to live in harmony with it.

End of the day though, it's still almost an incidental biproduct that no one in Amphibia feels half baked. Every society has a purpose and role to its storytelling and that helps make it a more cohesive work with a lot less accidents than be interpreted in awful ways. Seriously, if you have not watched Amphibia, GO WATCH AMPHIBIA.

I can guaranty the show will accept you, even if you don't love it like me.

======+++++======

I have a public Discord for any and all who want to join!

I also have an Amazon page for all of my original works in various forms of character focused romances from cute, teenage romance to erotica series of my past. I have an Ao3 for my fanfiction projects as well if that catches your fancy instead. If you want to hang out with me, I stream from time to time and love to chat with chat.

A Twitter you can follow too

And a Kofi if you like what I do and want to help out with the fact that disability doesn’t pay much.

[skydigiblogs]

sky and company continue to be mad about tri

man, i just started tri: loss, and that whole starting montage capped off with that ending inquiry by the narrator--- the "what happens to those who are not chosen?" could have been pretty interesting if tri seemed at all interested in talking about the existence of apocalymon beyond being meicoomon's macguffin dad :/

[this got stupidly long so i'm putting it under a readmore]

like idk? having yggy be the enemy at the root of tri's conflict, retconning the ultimate enemy the original digidestined fought to just be the dark masters (but now they don't talk and piemon just t-poses menacingly at you), and then still having that question be a surface-level part of your movie series is just... frustrating, man.

i know i'm apocalymons georg over here, yeah, yeah, not everything has to be apocalymon, but like. this is supposed to be the adventure canon, and tri did bring his ass into this with meicoomon's entire existence. so???

if you're going to ask "what happens to those who are not chosen..." don't y'all already know?? lmao??? at least with digimon, they get forgotten and coagulate in death to become depressed polyhedrons of flesh and machinery

tri had the opportunity with a lot of its toys to ask some very interesting questions about how the world is structured in the adventure canon, and imo the question of "what happens to those who are not chosen" obviously brings in apocalymon, but also gets at something i think 02TB really nailed.

that's to say, tri wants you to ask this question but really doesn't give you anything interesting to think about with it, despite obviously wanting you to think about himekawa and tapirmon as "those who are not chosen," but from my understanding (i'll correct myself if i'm proven wrong), besides just being pissed at homeostasis and then dying in a field, himekawa doesn't actually... do anything to really ponder that question for the audience??? she just exists to be cartoonishly evil and suffer to suffer, like. come on bandai.

this is contrasted by 02TB, which takes from this idea of destiny and tries to flip it on its head. whether we believe rui and ukkomon's interpretations of events is something i want to read a bunch of essays on (god i enjoyed 02TB but i also feel like i need to really dig into some good posts talking about translation theory before i touch it in an essay of my own). that said, it also asks this same question to a degree: what happens to those who are not chosen (when there becomes no such thing anymore)? we choose our own destiny.

(also yes i know it's funny i say himekawa exists just to suffer when rui's backstory is Like That, but also. i would argue that at least rui is a character. himekawa gets 3 movies of screentime before loss and all i can tell you about her is that she doesn't like being called himi, her partner digimon is dead, and she's okay with lying to people for her goals. we know nothing of her backstory beyond tapirmon being dead so she can suffer. what was her adventure like? what was she thinking while she OKed the shit done to meicoomon in the name of her dead partner? tri does nothing to answer this, while 02TB at least tries to tell a story about rui and his relationship to his Maybe Dead, Maybe Not Dead partner ukkomon.)

in tri, himekawa never gets over the loss of tapirmon, and gets duped by gennai (Sith Ver.) into helping trigger a reboot, but like??? characterization wise, i want her to actually engage with this question, since she's the one who uttered it before the narrator echoes it in the intro to tri 4. is tri's answer to its own question really "those who are not chosen wallow in their own misery and make it the problem of those around them?"

apocalymons george is a statistical outlier and---

i really wish there had been much tighter writing with tri and its attempts to setup and engage with the themes it brings up on a surface level, because i do think, actually, having himekawa's basic sketch of a character could have been very interesting had it been handled better. i actually think the idea of exploring a similar theme to what apocalymon's whole deal was (those unchosen wallowing in their misery), especially thanks to the libra being from his code (if that also wasn't just a mystery box symptom like the digimon kaiser outfit for dark gennai), could have been a very good way to tie together tri's thematic core.

but like also, so far, as i'm starting movie 4, i don't even know what tri's thematic core is!!! and i've watched this whole movie series before!!! what do you want to be? what is your identity?

like okay, maybe the throughline really is "suffer, then," because they execute meicoomon in the final movie so she can die for the memories of others! they martyr meicoomon like they martyred tapirmon, and i still don't think that's a satisfying discussion of that theme if that's the question they want to ask! augh!!!

i know a large part of this has to do with how tri was produced but like. man.

man.

[woodsorrelpainting]

information post

In this post, I'll include an "about me" section and what this blog is for/about (including my plans for it)

quick links to save from scrolling all the way down (each website I list will be a link that you can click directly on):

kofi | youtube | etsy

Before that though, two disclaimers:

Do not use anything shown here as a definitive identification guide for plants or animals. I am learning all of this as I post and I am bound to make mistakes.

Additionally, I will not include ANY information about whether a plant is edible/safe-to-eat. I may indicate toxicity but the important part of this is that this blog should not be used to identify plants, especially for foraging.

Thank you

There's more under the "Keep reading" below

About Me

Hello, I am Marten (this is not my real name). This blog (woodSorrelPainting) is my blog for documenting my currently slow-going journey towards learning about the plants that grow where I live, in Central Texas. I post silly little text posts (#marten's talkin) and here I post images that I've taken of the plants I'm interested in and/or of paintings and drawings I've done of the aforementioned plants.

As part of my learning journey, I plan to paint pictures of these plants and write small blurbs about what I've learned from identifying and reading about these plants. I will say outright though that I am not good at writing this kind of information and less good at writing anything like an essay (it's been years !!). Undoubtedly, I'll be able to practice that skill okay too but for now... it'll probably be lackluster.

I endeavor to mostly use pictures that I myself have taken of these plants as reference, but I have posted images of paintings I did that used images I found on Pinterest as reference (click here for a link to my Pinterest board with the images I've used-- though it's been a while since I've done this).

I will cite my sources as best I can. Please let me know how I can improve in this department!! I welcome any help with this project of mine.

About My Shop

As sort of a tangent to my learning journey (and because I need money... I have no other income 👍), I also will sell prints of my works which will come with small blurbs about these plants, consisting both of my own personal observations AND information I find online on Etsy. I'd honestly rather not rely on a site like Etsy but I don't have the funds to do anything fancier (that I know of... this "selling-art-prints" stuff is A Lot of information to sift through) at the moment. My shop there will also be called woodSorrelPainting.

I offer 5"x 7" prints as well as some 2"x 5" bookmarks. I hope to have other sizes and products available in the future- I've been wanting to toy around with pressed flowers lately but I am currently unsure of the logistics haha

Alongside the 5"x7" prints (NOT the bookmarks for now) I've included a paragraph about the plant depicted. Some of its qualities and features and perhaps even a fun fact or two. As stated previously, I will not include information of any plants' edibility unless it is notably poisonous (in which case it becomes a Neat Fact about the plant). Do not use these works as identification guides. That is NOT their purpose.

I include sources in the paragraph, but I want to say here that I am not an academic and I am largely ignorant to the proper way to cite sources, especially in a written work. As much as I welcome any suggestions for making things more correct and proper, please understand that these paragraphs are not necessarily meant to be official works and are not exactly meant to be cited themselves. I'm literally just a guy who wants to learn more about the nature around me and who had an idea to share my learning with others. Some of this information may be wrong and some of it may be incorrectly cited. I will work to correct any false information but I have no experience researching things the way I have been outside of this project specifically.

Each written paragraph should come with QR codes that will redirect you to a post on this blog with cited sources (I think in APA format??) and links you can click on.

F.A.Q.

Click here for a link to my FAQs!

Links

Currently, I am running a youTube Channel. I plan to upload videos twice a month. (woodSorrelPainting) (click here for a link)

I, of course, have this tumblr blog (you are here!)

I have a Ko-Fi that I am (admittedly) doing a poor job of keeping updated with regard to posts and updates at the moment (woodSorrelPainting) (click here for a link)

Perhaps most importantly, I have my Etsy shop (woodSorrelPaintings) (click here for a link)

[liskantope]

No, I haven't done anything at all to argue that the social model is worse than alternatives, because the purpose of my OP wasn't to justify any of my views, but to roughly describe where I stand and how it relates to Scott Alexander's and FdB's positions.

I certainly don't have time to get into an actual debate over the merits and faults of the social model of disability anytime soon. The social model was introduced to correct some oversights in more traditional ways of looking at disability, and I respect it a lot for this. That said, I'm pretty sure there was already a lot of common-sense understanding ten years ago (outside of the more ignorantly conservative circles) and even decades before that a good part of the difficulties suffered by disabled people came from society being set up for the abled and that better providing accommodations is key to social progress. As Scott explained, the social model of disability purports to be a remedy for a "disability = disease and should not be accommodated" strawman that basically no one actually believes. I'll admit that in decades past, and maybe as recently as ten years ago, our understanding of disability still needed to move further in the direction of the social model. But what I see of the social model now -- both in literal interpretations of the definitions given by its advocates (again see Scott's essay) and in the way younger and more online people talk about how we should view and deal with various personal traits that present challenges -- is a sort of purist view that relies on (in Very Online Youth discourse and beliefs only implied) absolutist axioms about how no innate trait can ever be objectively negative/unfortunate/disadvantageous (whether it be any kind of autism or neurodivergence whatsoever, physical disabilities such as those of Stephen Hawking, obesity, some orientation/gender stuff that I really don't want to go into now, etc.*).

It's definitely not a strawman. I don't even believe it's a weakman if we restrict our focus to the Young and Very Online and Tumblr in particular. (Example: see where I got informed that my views are eugenicist-adjacent when I claimed that a certain personality trait that I was (sort of) criticizing appears to be innate**. There seems to be a pervasive belief in these subcultures that belief that some traits lie in the intersection of "negative/unfortunate conditions" and "innate/genetic" is equivalent to a pro-eugenics worldview which in turn is equivalent to a sort of Naziism.)

So, maybe I would agree that some ideas from the social model of disability movement are a helpful and necessary corrective to other more traditional beliefs, but I feel this corrective has gone way off the rails and become its own ideological animal that's distorting our common-sense reality. (No, I haven't and am not at the moment trying to justify my slightly inflammatory "distorting our common-sense reality" charge. Tried just now to find a sequence of posts to link that might give a clue as to where my feelings on this come from but it's hard to wade into my archive and pick these out and I don't have time right now.)

*Semi-qualification: a few traits/conditions, such as depression, have held out in that they still haven't gained the status of "perfectly okay modulo society's treatment of people with the condition", but I notice more and more lately that any possibility of them having innate/genetic origins is being de-emphasized in favor of treating them as caused by abusers (e.g. bad parents) or Society (e.g. capitalism). And even around depression, anxiety, and ADHD-adjacent issues there's this sort of "yay, la la la, this is a sparkly part of my identity" almost "subcultural/generational pride" thing going on that seems to obfuscate the badness of those things.

**Just saw that by coincidence my linked reblog is from one year ago today!

My situation of the Severely Limited Time/Energy For Tumblr continues. When Scott Alexander came out with an essay arguing against the Social Model of Disability, I managed to write a substantial comment and meant to follow that up with a Tumblr post but got my hands full with Other Stuff again before I was able to get around to the latter. I'd been hoping my comment might engender some kind of interesting discussion, but nobody responded, nor did it come up in Scott's more recent "highlights from the comments" post.

To put it bluntly, where I am at this point with regard to the social model of disability is that I see it as a sort of ideological nemesis -- obviously not in the sense that it's the my least favorite ideology out there, nowhere close, and I'll even concede that the more sophisticated thinking coming from it has very interesting and worthwhile ideas -- in the sense that it seems to be everywhere now among today's youth social movement and I see it seeping into everything, and I see it as fundamentally, profoundly misguided and (for the most part) at odds with common-sense reality. It seems in the last few years to have taken the number one spot among ideological trends that I'm worried about. (I think I first began to see it as a full-blown problem around the time I made these posts when Stephen Hawking died in 2018).

I couldn't remember ever seeing Scott Alexander tackle the social model of disability head-on (the closest very adjacent thing I can think of is that some years ago he came out very strongly against the prevalent ideas in autism activism about blurring the lines between different types of autism and taking offense at any desire for a cure), and I was immediately pleased to see that he takes such a critical stance. As I said in my comment, though, his discussion was very confined to the narrow world of scholarship and actual disability treatment (I don't fault Scott for this, since there's plenty of discussion to be had even in that narrower realm), whereas I see it as a much broader social phenomenon based on an axiom of "no trait is innately unfortunate" which is wide-reaching in how it affects how younger people are thinking about all kinds of social issues.

I was bemused that within half a week of the ACX post, Freddie de Boer published another one of his (excellent) posts which I interpret as attacking the mental health awareness movement wing of the social model of disability mindset:

who are unable to parse the idea that some things are inherent and also bad

Exactly, thank you, Freddie.

[whumpwillow]

Show us that Eli essay 👀

Written in October, 2018 at the time of reading Vengeful, by VE Schwab

SPOILERS also this gets long

again, v.e. schwab, what the fuck she went hard on him & the whumping, like almost as much as with Holland -- which was a lot. it was kinda to the point where it was like, "okay, you're just doing this to cause him more pain," & I can relate to that honestly. I've done that in whump fic. But like -- I was so shook when I found out what Dr. Haverty did to him for a year like damn I have written & read whump & never thought of that! It was so gruesome but it was still plausible & fit well with the narrative -- also it was really satisfying to see Eli being tortured & I felt bad at first because I didn't feel bad for him, but then Schwab got into the backstory a little more & I was like, okay, maybe I feel a little bad. a tiny, miniscule amount. I think she was a little tryna get us to feel bad for him but also not too much, so it wasn't annoying which was great, it was done really well cuz Eli still kept his douchey attitude & mindset (& is really fucking stupid while being smart at the same time). But yea, Eli was being hurt a lot (honestly VE Schwab! so gruesome -- I love it) but he was still dumb, like, "ah yes I have to hunt down all the EO's!" yet he would say shit like, "An EO isn't just the product of their catalyst. They are the circumstances, but also the psyche." (pg 183) & I stg I almost threw something. He makes me so mad because he says shit like this but doesn't realize it! Boi -- listen to yourself! He says that EO's are the product of the person they were before, yet believes they're all evil because they've come back from the dead without souls. He doesn't see that Victor was evil before he died, he was a sociopath, (still is) but its his original psyche (although he was less homicidal before) & Victor is one of the main reasons Eli believes EO's are evil

addendum: These were 2018 thoughts and I've since discussed a theory in which Eli knows that Victor was evil and that becoming an EO isn't the cause for someone to become evil, but Eli made up this whole justification that turning into an EO makes someone "unholy" and that that is what turned Victor into a "monster" because he literally just did not want to see Victor as a bad person. which is really sad but makes sense with his character because he's obsessed with seeing himself as a good person and justifying his actions and rationalizing everything to fit with his own distorted narrative of events

But that's because Victor killed Angie & tried to kill him [Eli]. Victor was fucking psycho beforehand (although I do remember Victor dragging the knife along the wall as he was going up to Eli & I'm like wow. you are actually the living embodiment of a horror movie. that, along with his black clothes & white hair & him just casually talking on the phone while someone is tryna kill him -- boi. he's so extra) so Eli should realize that! The EO thing brought out what was latent in him (same with Eli, that's why he says he feels different) but it didn't create the evil in him. it was already there. I think it's both a form of denial & cognitive dissonance because even if in Vengeance, he's acknowledged he's a monster (whereas in Vicious he thought he was the only good EO. like all other EO's were bad except him & it was his duty to get rid of them, but it was really just a projection of his own self-loathing because he felt that he was wrong & soulless & an abomination. In Vengeful, he's acknowledged that all EO's, including himself, are evil & that he's not an exception anymore, yet still a denial. He's saying he's a monster because he's an EO, not that he's a monster for its own sake. It's still disconnect -- "I am not wrong, it was what happened to me that made me this way." because he doesn't want to believe that he was inherently evil or soulless to begin with (which connects to his backstory, now that I know most of it, where his father said he had the devil in him & that there was darkness in his eyes, so he would beat Eli for being wicked. & Eli didn't know what he had done wrong, but started to believe his father's words. There was a really heartbreaking quote that summed it up nicely. "Eli didn't know how he was broken, but he wanted to be healed. He wanted to be saved." (pg. 152) Anyway, back to what I was saying about denial and disconnect. He blames his & Victor's & Serena's evil nature on not their nature but on them having lost their souls when they became EO's because he doesn't want to think of himself as inherently evil, or wrong, like he was made to feel by people in his life (& not just his father). That's where the cognitive dissonance comes in too. He has to believe that Victor & Serena were evil once they became EO's, even though he never knew Serena before, & Victor is very clearly strange, if not outright sociopathic, because if he acknowledges that Victor was not right in the head beforehand, it would lead to a dissonance, because if Victor was evil before, that couldn't mean Eli only became evil after, so he resolves that become become evil after they become an EO

addendum: to add to this, it could also be about how he loved Victor and did not want to believe he was evil, for its own sake (rather than his own self justifications of his own moral standing)

Eli's psyche is literally my favorite thing. There's so much there (I almost said "to dissect" but then I was like, "oof bad choice of words," lol) but he's such a complex character -- my gosh. There's so much to write about. I'm loving it. But yea, I don't think I mentioned what happened to Eli at the hands of Dr. Haverty. And lemme tell ya -- hoo boy. I thought Eli would be getting beat up in prison -- I never expected this.

There's more but I got tired and there's so many more pages aaaaaa

[shysneeze]

phases of falling in love (ginny weasley x fem!reader)

Description: the painful process of reader falling for her Ginny Weasley, her best friend.

Warnings: angst af, I can’t think of anything else specific but please let me know if you come across anything and I’ll add it

Authors note: in love by khai dreams and she by dodie fit this in my head and are worth a listen.( edit, : i have a playlist here that fits this entire fic) . 

 ...

(Y/N) has decided that falling in love comes in three distinct phases: realisation, denial, and acceptance, though with various forms of panic in between.

No one’s ever boasted that falling in love is easy, the bitter angst of doing so the subject of too many pieces of literature to be doubted. Yet, no one’s ever told her it would be this hard, but she supposes the stakes were always going to be higher when it’s your best friend.

Realisation came first during a party, sat in a small group by the fireplace as the cheers and laughter so typical of a Gryffindor victory party raged on around them. They weren't much different from the others, talking loudly and laughing with their heads thrown back dramatically. They were discussing the game, (Y/N) thinks, though she can hardly remember now, nor was she particularly invested at the time. 

How could she be with her just across the from her, fair freckled skin aglow from the fire, who's light danced across her face with each flame’s flicker. Her hair tumbled down her shoulders effortlessly, as if it was pulled straight from the ponytail she wore during the afternoon's match.

That was the night she looked at Ginny  Weasley and felt something in her heart, longing perhaps, that went beyond mere friendship, the first night Ginny's smile made her chest tighten and her eyes finding hers with a wink made her gulp. 

It was the first time she looked at Ginny and saw her best friend but longed for more. 

Denial was easy after that, the whole thing flippantly dismissed as a fluke of the evening, blamed on the giddy feeling that accompanied the house’s victory that Ginny played such a vital part in securing. It was nothing more appreciation, awe.

Weeks later though, and the tugging in her chest still lingers, holding her hostage and controlling her every move.

It flares up unexpectedly, from a smile at lunch, a wave during matches or a laugh hidden behind textbooks during classes. There is an endless array of quirks and habits that (Y/N) has never once before paid attention to that now leave her stomach victim to butterflies and her heart to palpitations.

Yet the denial continues, excuses ranging from the outlandish to the self-deprecating. Perhaps an insensitive prank, a love potion slipped regularly into her morning orange juice, or maybe it’s just all in her head, a crush manifested from loneliness, from the desire to be loved by someone.

Excuses are easy to provide, yet even easier to disprove and it soon becomes clear that every attempt to deny her own feelings is fruitless. Acceptance looms over her, unmindful of the heart it’s about to break.

Acceptance comes reluctantly during an evening’s study in the library. There’s no blame to place on atmosphere this time, hidden together at the end of an aisle of shelves, sat across from one another at a desk most certainly made for one.

The characteristic smell of old books lingers in the air and speckles of dust are illuminated by a dim lamp as they float aimlessly around them. The light does nothing to highlight the red in Ginny’s hair the way the flames of the fire had during the party, or to draw the warm brown from her eyes,  yet (Y/N) is enamoured. 

(Y/N)'s quill hangs limply between her fingers, ink drying on the tip with a word half-finished on her parchment. Across from her, Ginny bites her lower lip in concentration, deep brown eyes scanning each word she writes, occasionally lifting her hands to fix the loose bun holding her fiery red hair from her face, ridding her eyes of the messy stray strands with a frustrated rush of air from her pink lips. 

(Y/N) gulps and panics slightly that in the quiet of the library, her best friend might hear the hammering of her heart in her chest. They're so close that their knees touch under the desk and (Y/N) is left unsure on whether to move her legs or not from fear of only drawing attention to it. 

She's trying to convince herself to act normal, that this is all normal, a scenario they've been in so many times before with procrastinated essays and last minute deadlines, that she has no reason to act any different, yet her heart races, and she can hear it in her own ears.

It’s terrifying.

She's mid inner quarrel when Ginny lets out a loud sigh of surrender and lets her quill clatter against the desk. (Y/N) blinks out of her daze, dropping her own quill in surprise and frowning at the red head. 

"Snape is asking for one of the twin's puking pastilles in his tea." She grumbles.

"They'd give you them for free if you tell them it's for Snape." (Y/N) manages a laugh. "How much more have you got to do?" 

Ginny peers at her own parchment, then at (Y/N)'s with a questioning frown, reaching over to snatch it into her hands. She examines it with arched brows and stifles a small laugh at whatever she's read. 

"Better than you- You've neglected to finish the word 'assignment', (Y/N)." She snorts softly. "It just says 'ass'." 

(Y/N) stands abruptly to grab it back from her amused friend with a quiet 'oi' and a flustered wide-eyed expression that only adds to Ginny's laughter until she's clasping her hand atop her lips to muffle the sound. 

"I got d-distracted." She explains embarrassedly. "It's just the first draft." 

"Oh no, I think you should hand it in as is." She grins. "I want to see Snape's face." 

"I'm not getting detention just so you can get a laugh." She argues. 

"Aw, come on." Ginny pouts. "Not even for me?" 

A part of her, a shameful part, almost instantly concedes to the offer, despite its teasing nature, just for Ginny's puppy dog eyes, which (Y/N) has until now been immune to. She falters for only a second before fixing her friend with a frown. 

"No, not even for you." She decides firmly. "Lets hear yours then, Gin." 

Ginny dramatically clears her throat with a grin, something that eerily reminds (Y/N) of her elder brothers, and begins to read aloud before (Y/N) stops her with an eye roll, cautious of the pacing click of Madam Pince's heels as she roams the aisles for the opportunity to evict noisy teens. 

"You'll be surprised to hear I finished all my words and never once spoke about my arse." 

"Sod off." (Y/N) rolls her eyes again. 

"Well, what’s got you so distracted you felt the need to conclude that you 'learned lots about counter curses from this ass'?" 

"You memorized it all ready?" 

"Of course." She beams cheekily. "How else am I to tell the rest of our friends?" 

"You are the worst." 

"You love me really though." 

(Y/N) worries when she can't laugh that off, when she falters for only a second, but enough to remind herself of this new and scary situation. She forces on a smile and hope she's been quick and convincing enough to seem normal, though something in Ginny's eyes tells her otherwise. 

"Are you okay, (Y/N)?" 

"Fine." 

"Hmm, you look nervous." Ginny hints. "What are you hiding? Is it a girl?" 

(Y/N) is exposed instantly by the involuntary widening of her eyes and Ginny grins menacingly at her from across the tiny desk. She leans over, palms flat against the desk and head so close to (Y/N)'s that their foreheads almost touch. 

(Y/N) forgets to breathe. 

"Who is it?" 

"No one." (Y/N) manages, edging back as subtly as possible. "It's not anyone." 

"Aw, c'mon." Ginny rolls her eyes. "Tell me." 

"You're going to make Madam Pince kick us out again." 

Ginny tuts, rolling her eyes and returning to her seat, allowing (Y/N) to drop her shoulders in relief. She sighs as she picks her quill up again, soaking the tip in ink with a rejuvenated intent to write, motivated by the chance to change the topic of conversation. 

"You're no fun." Ginny mumbles. "I'll find out." 

“There isn’t anything to find out.” (Y/N) exhales, not daring to look up from her parchment, knowing once again her expression will betray her. “Or anyone.”

“Oh, but there is.”

(Y/N) doesn’t need to look up to know the red-head is grinning, it’s evident in her voice. All she can do in response is take a deep, calming breath and continue with her work.

It’s not long before she can feel Ginny’s eyes on the top of her head and she freezes again, not sure when this became a talent of hers, to tell just from some new sixth sense that Ginny Weasley is staring at her.

“Can I help you?”

“Is it Willow Kings?”

“Been there, done that.” (Y/N) mumbles with a sigh. “She’s nice but talks about her owl too much.”

“Hmm.” Ginny hums in contemplation. “You’re not crushing on Pansy again, are you?”

In every single way, (Y/N) wishes that was her current shameful crush, rather than the girl currently interrogating her. When (Y/N) denies it, Ginny begins to hum again in thought.

“Luna?”

“Luna’s just a friend.” (Y/N) sighs, distinctly trying to convince herself the same thing about Ginny at this exact moment. “I’m not telling you, Gin.”

“Ugh, why not?” Ginny grumbles loudly.

The red-head’s face pales when the methodical clicking of the Librarian’s heels halts, wincing at what is soon to follow. The sound begins again, quicker and sharper as it approaches the pair.

“Shit.” Ginny curses, already gathering her work into her arms. “Here we go.”

“You two.”

The girls turn sheepishly to the other end of the aisle, where Madam Pince stares them down, one hand on her hip, other extended outwards to point at them with a disapproving look.

“We’re just leaving.” Ginny assures.

Ginny stands, reaching out innocently for (Y/N)’s hand and clasping it in her own to drag her to her feet as she splutters out protests, flustered instantly by the action. Ginny only gives her enough time to gather her things before pulling her towards the exit.

“S-low down, Ginny.” She pleads. “Sorry, Madam- “

The librarian scowls at them with an icy look as they squeeze past her towards the exist, Ginny’s laughter barely concealed as they go. (Y/N) can barely focus on anything other than the hand in her own.

Once in the corridor, convinced of their own escape from the strict librarian, Ginny flings he rhead back in a laugh, bun bouncing on her head at the action, cheeks flushed from the excitement of it.

“Every time!” She exclaims. “We get chased out every time.”

“I-“

(Y/N) is too stunned to form a sentence, stunned not by their actions, one’s regularly performed to avoid Madam Pince’s wrath, but rather how suddenly loud her heart is in her own ears.

She could blame adrenalin, it would be so easy to do so, but she knows it’s not. It’s many things, but not adrenalin. Instead Ginny’s laughter, her free and proud laughter so cheerful on her ears, it’s the baby hairs framing her face, endearingly messy, and it’s most certainly the hand still clasped in her own, warm and soft.

Acceptance, that final phase. No amount of excuses in the world could hide it now, that (Y/N) (Y/L/N) is undoubtedly, and most terrifyingly, in love with her best friend.

In this moment, watching Ginny’s grin, that infectious smile that has (Y/N) own lips pulling into a smile of her own, she’s about ready to risk it all for her, to tug her closer and ask, even beg, to kiss her.

“Ginny- “She starts

“Harry!”

Like that, the spell is broken and Ginny’s hand is slipping from (Y/N)’s and her feet carrying her towards the red faced boy-who-lived at the other end of the corridor, flinging herself eagerly into conversation with him and leaving (Y/N)’s smile to drop.

The tugging feeling in (Y/N)’s chest returns, and she finds herself back in reality. Ginny likes Harry, she always has, it’s been the topic of so many late-night teasing, how could (Y/N) possibly forget. It hurts though, in a way it never has before, a painful stab of reality sent straight to her heart.

(Y/N) has just learned for herself that falling in love is never easy, even if her heartbreak isn’t one likely to be documented as a great tragic romance in future. No one told her it would be this hard, but as she watches Ginny grinning up at the boy across the hall, her heart twists with the reluctant acceptance that, not only is she in love, but that her best friend is in  love with someone else. 

[wreckofawriter]

Drowning

Pairing: Draco Malfoy x reader

Word Count: 1,569

Warnings: None, kinda sad

Request: Love your stuff , is there any chance I could request a Draco x reader where Draco breaks up with you/reader because he’s a death eater , but then discovers ( reader/you ) is also a death eater and they feel less lonely going through together ? Thanks x

A/n: So sorry this was late. I had family at my house and no time to write. I hope you guys like it!

“No.” You sobbed out, voice wavering. “No. You can't do this to me Draco.”

    “We’re done.” He repeated, his face was vacant of any emotion.

    “How are you okay with this, just being ‘done’. Did the past two years mean nothing to you?!” You cried out, tears streamed down your face in salty rivers as you looked at the boy you loved, still love.

    “It's better for both of us.” Draco sighed out looking anywhere but you. He feared if he locked eyes he would take it all back.

“How is this better?” You sobbed in an angry shout.   

Because you are safe. “It just is.” Draco looked at his feet in shame and guilt but he knew what he was doing was right. He knew.

You scoffed at him eyes full of sadness and fire, “Why?” you asked. This question got him to finally look at you and he regretted it instantly. Your face was red and cheeks blotchy, your hair was a mess and your eyes were shining with tears and rimmed with red. You looked beautifully broken and it killed him. He wanted to take it all back.

“Why?” You repeated, speaking through gritted teeth.

Because I did something bad. Real bad. And if you get caught up in this I wouldn't be able to live anymore. Because I pledged myself to someone besides you, someone evil. Because I love you. I love you so much. More than anything. “It's just not working out.”

Your face crumbled to dust. You felt your heart break in two. You wanted to hate him but you knew you never could. You never would. You hated yourself for it, but you never would.  You looked at Draco, his face absent but his eyes were full. Full of nothing. And it terrified you. He looked so different all of the sudden. He was so suddenly empty.

“I guess this is goodbye then Malfoy.” You spit out. You saw him flinched at his last name before you turned and retreated to your dorm. The second after the door slammed shut you let out a sob. You felt yourself fall apart. How could he leave you? How after everything? You slid to the floor shaking with sobs. You curled in a ball, you felt your hand reach up your sleeve and grasp the mark made there. You ran your thumb over the deadly imprint and whimpered silently in the dark. You had never felt so alone.

Draco sat in Charms and he found his gaze landing on you again. The two of you haven't spoken since you broke up and he felt like he was drowning. The truth was that he had always been drowning. He had been drowning his whole life. But you had been there. You had been his life raft and now he had jumped off that life raft and he realized he had forgotten how to swim. He was drowning once again. He watched you, your head bent over a paper and quill as you took notes. Your y/h/c hair was in a dutch braid that hung down your back and he imagined running his fingers through its silky texture and shuddered. He had never missed anything so much in his life. How could he just abandon you?

You felt his eyes on you everywhere. His icy glare found you at all times, at meals, in the common room, classes, even the library. You wished he would stop. It made it very difficult to ignore him. You wished he would just disappear. Disappear from the school, the world, your head. He seemed to be the only thing from keeping you from drowning in your thoughts before. But now you were drowning in your thoughts of him.You hated that he had so easily hurt you. You hated being so secluded. You hated yourself. Your bitchy family and your crazy mother. You hated your legacy. You hated what you always knew you would become. But it's too late now anyway. Soon you'll be killing people before being married off to a murder. It's ok right? Who marries for love anymore anyway?

“You alright man?” Blaise asked.

“I'm fine.” Draco awnsered curtly. He had been trying to focus on his Potions essay before you walked into the library. Now he was glaring at his ink while trying to ignore your deep green robes.

“You've been weird since you broke up with y/l/n you sure your over her?” the boy asked flipping through a textbook he hadn't bothered to read.

“Why would I break up with her otherwise.” Drco pointed out, his teeth gritted his grip on his quill tightening.

“True,” Zambini laughed, “You know they’re plenty of bitches in the sea.”

Draco flinched wanting to slap the other boy. How dare he disrespect you like that? But instead he gritted his teeth and clenched his jaw. “I dont want to date anyone.” Draco snapped, his head whipping to meet his friends eyes.

“Alright,” he said, putting his hands up in surrender, “You just seem like you need to get laid.”

Draco scoffed and once again went back too staring at his ink while trying to write as Zambini laughed about soemthing stupid he heard somewhere. Out of the condor of his eye he say you leave your seat and his eyes followed you out, your robes billowing behind you.

Finally after 30 more minutes of getting nothing done he packed up his stuff and left the library. His feet felt heavy and his heart felt like it was broken and hollowed out, then filled with lead. He was being dragged down into black water by his psychotic family. His father had his right ankle. His mother his left and his aunt was tugging on his robes as he walked back to the common room.

Then he heard something that propelled him downward quicker than his family could drag him. He heard your cries. He didn't hear them often, only a few times before, but he could recognize them anywhere.

He walked past the bathroom twice. Both times hating himself a little more. Finally he gathered the courage and stormed into the bathroom. He was greeted by the sight of you lying on the white tiled floor in tears.

You glanced up hearing his footsteps and pushed yourself into the corner, drawing your knees to your chest. As you did so he caught a glance at the one thing you were trying to desperately hide.

Draco walked over to your cowering form and slid to the floor beside you. His eyes were soft and comforting. He watched as you tried to dry your tears you had always been so ashamed of.

“Hi.” He spoke eventually and almost starting laughing. He had just said hi. Which seemed ridiculous.

“What do you want?” You spoke harshly, your words like venom.

Draco sighed, he wasn't sure what to say. “I want to see your wrist.” He finally answered shakily.

You flinched at his words. Fresh tears brimmed your eyes, everything grew blurry. “Why?” you croaked.

“I know what's on it. I just want to be sure.” He spoke voice cracking, his own tears streaming down his pale cheeks

Slowly you raised your right sleeve as you did you let out a whimper, the sight of the mark made you want to cut it off your skin.

Draco had begun to heavily cry now, sixteen years he had kept locked deep inside him came flowing out as he looked at the dark ink moving on your wrist. He then reached for his own sleeve and pulled it up with shaking hands. He looked up at you and attempted to smile. It was more a grimace.

When you saw the mark on his arm your tears sobs stopped and tears rushed silently down your face. “They got you too.” You whispered, your voice breaking.

“They got me too.” Draco repeated reaching out to touch your inked arm. When you felt his fingers close aground the mark you felt it disappear.

“I broke up with you because didn't want you getting dragged into it.” He paused as your hand reached out to grasp his right wrist mimicking his actions, “I just didn't want you to get hurt, I love you too much and I'm so so so sorry, I should have just talked to you and,” He began to weep, “I just hurt you instead.” He finished his voice breaking.

“I love you too Draco.” You replied shakily. You then release your grip on his wrist and placed your hand on his cheek, using your thumb to wipe his tears. “I love you so much, please don't ever leave me. I couldn't do it, do any of this without you.” You then leaned in and placed your lips on his. It was a slow, sweet, sad kiss. He tasted like salt and you were sure you did as well. His lips were chapped yet soft. He kissed you back slowly as more tears slipped from his stormy grey eyes.

When you pulled away we stared at his red rimmed eyes and felt an overwhelming sense of peace. You felt calm. Like you were safe. Finally safe.

"I'm here for you. We will get through this together." Draco croaked out his voice a raspy whisper.

"I love you Draco" You said leaning into him. He faced you and wrapped his arms around you as you leaned into this chest.

"I love you too," he whispered into your hair, "if we drown, we drown together."

Masterlist

[yibo-wang]

Hi Aamna,

Merry Christmas to you as well! 💛

Still looking, incredible enough now it has become a challenge and I didn’t know I had read so much since then. I also been wondering if there’s a way to search your history by tag 🤔

I hear you, I am currently watching The Wolf (which I stop for a few weeks and just picked it up again, I am only watching it for Xiao Zhan otherwise I would have drop it long time ago tbh. If you have seen it, what are your thoughts about it?) also watching two cdramas and three kdramas, and of course I cannot forget two anime that my daughter recommended to me. So I understand about being a slow watcher and when everyone is done watching it, I am just starting it. Lol so don’t you worry take your time.

Same here with reading, I am always reading. Is like you can get lost in a new worlds with the characters you love with just a few clicks. My favorite time to read are in the morning before everyone wakes up and at night when everyone is asleep. Perfect quiet moments.

I hear you about XZ and WY, it was so lovely to see them again together too and I wish that they were able to smile openly but like you said their safety comes first and with so much haters out there is better to keep it low. Also, I don’t know if you heard about why WY had such a big rehearsal time, but the rumor is that the only reason WY had such a big time was because he was using his name so people wouldn’t know at what time XZ was going to be there to do his rehearsal and hearing that made me happy because even if they can’t be seen in public as if they know each other privately and away from the public they still get along fine and that I don’t makes me happy to know that they’re still friends. I hope next year both guys have time to just relax for a bit.

That signature moment was owned by XZ, is like move I got this and I won’t just sign it. I will brand it. It was such a powerful move. *bow down to that man*

Same here, I am hopping I see them act together again someday. Hopefully not to far from now.

Omg, Song Ji Yang would make an amazing Xie Lian. I am hopping the directors take a look at him and give him a change because he has that sweet face about him.

Don’t worry, I am terrible at finishing novels. I have so many started but still waiting for me to finish reading them.

And don’t worry if you need to take extra time answering these questions, I know that I tend to give you a whole essay here instead of just a simple question.

Now for my question, hopefully its an easy one...What is one thing you wish for the next year? It can be anything you wish, you can make it fandom related if you want.

Your C.C Blue 🌸

Hi Blue!! Hope you had aa good time with your family!

Oof ikr! Idk if there is one but I'm hoping there is, cause it's really hard to search the history when you're looking for one specific fic lol.

I havent started it yet, I'm waiting for it to finish so that I can watch it together and just skip the parts which seem boring cause imma be honest too,, im only going to watch it for xiao zhan.

Oof yes, I've got two kdramas which my cousin and sister are waiting for me to finish, three thai dramas and lof 😫 and then I go and rewatch the untamed or see the donghua again lfhfkrk

I usually read at night after finishing up everything and sometimes I'm like okay only an hour and then whoops its 4am in the morning lol

Oof yeahh everyone thought yibo had a dance performance but he actually saved it for xz's rehearsal and was there throughout it 🥺 I'm just.. yeah.. alot of feelings about it

Yep yep I hope so too, they work so hard. I'm really really proud of xz getting to have the immense support and love he got from his fans during that performance. He deserves it!

Aw nooo I really enjoy your questions :D I really have a good time answering them!

Hmm honestly after this year i really hope that everyone gets through the next one steadily. Alot of people lost their lives, a lot of them suffered due to the pandemic, whether it was health, education, money related. I just wish things get easier for everyone (also that somehow all the billionaires lose their wealth and it gets distributed among the people *please please please*) + also I'm stretching this one wish thing but my clinicals start next year so hopefully all of them go smoothly fkfkg

Fandom related idk I'm looking forward to the Tian ya ke drama (hopefully I'll finish the novel by then) and that it turns out great. Wby? What do you wish for next year?

[bbrandy2002]

The Breakfast Club

Chapter 9:

Don't You Forget About Me.

Summary: The group has an epiphany. Who really put them together and why? Constantine ensures one member of the group won't be a problem anymore.

One more chapter!!!

The Royal Romance AU

Warning: These characters have potty mouths, read at your own peril. They also belong to Pixelberry.

Henry David Thoreux is quoted as saying, 'Not until we are lost do we find ourselves'. How can five people with differing life experiences, walk into a room as wounded, forgotten souls, and together, discover who they are. If ever the fates aligned, it happened on that particular Saturday. _

Life sometimes gives us what we need... Through hardships we find growth

Saturday 4:00 PM Old Palace Library

Sitting on the floor of the old library, an 18 year old with a cold heart and distaste for the crown. His father gunned down years ago by an assasin's bullet and a mother who left he and his sister, to return to the States. A war was waged in him years ago and bitterness won. All he knew now was trouble, booze and anger. He is the commoner.

Sitting to his left is the stunning Duchess of Lythikos. Nearly 18 herself, she has been raised by the King since she was a child. Her parents, traitors to the crown, died atempting to overthrow the monarchy. Contantine has always treated her like an enemy and took every opportunity to degrade her. The only constant in her life was a prince, whom she loves, but, he has never returned her affections in a manner she wants. She has built an impermiable wall of defense around herself for protection, that includes degrading others for self-preservation. She is known as the bitch to many.

Next to her, a young 17 year old from Ramsford with a heart of gold and the life of any party. On the outside, he is funny, outgoing and, perhaps, too kind for his own good. On the inside, he grieves the losses in his life, both in body and spirit. His inabilty to live up to the Beaumont expectations, weighs on him heavily. He sees himself as a failure.

Also, the new Crown Prince of Cordonia. He will be 18 tomorrow and at that time will become bethrothed to his brother's former fiancee, though, his heart now belongs to another. He has wished death would find him so many times recently that he tried and failed to make it a reality. The burdens that he was left with when his brother abdicated, is too much to bear. His father has caused irreparable hurt, physically and emotionally, that fear, now courses through his veins like wildfire. There are no disappointments allowed when you're The Heir.

Next to him, a perky, 17 year old girl, saved from the streets. She has big dreams of moving to New York and making it big. She is held back by a dangerous, family life that included more abuse than many should withstand. Is a girl with her background, naive enough to believe she can save her new dream from being robbed of his? After all, its said that trash breeds trash.

"Why is everyone sitting on the floor?", a seemingly gleeful and renewed Liam asked as he joined them.

A weary eyed Drake rubbed his hand across the back of his neck, "Trust me...its a long story".

Riley leaned over and playfully tugged at Drake's foot, "You seem somewhat calmer than you did earlier, what happened?".

Maxwell couldn't help himself as he grinned, "Let's just say....well....we got totally fucked up."

Liam and Riley looked between the three, all appearing quite relaxed, still eating on the last remnants of sandwiches and fruit the maid brought them an hour ago.

Olivia, now recovered from her earlier high, couldn't help but notice a change in Liam. Knowing he was with Riley the past four hours left a sour taste in her mouth.

"So Riley", Olivia began, "Maxwell tells us he found you on the streets...will you be returning to your park bench tonight or do you think fucking Liam once is enough for another free night at the palace".

"Olivia!", Liam, quickly shot up, dumbfounded by her callousness.

Olivia looked at him with shock, "What? Hmm, Liam...she's obviously looking for a meal ticket and you are falling right into her grubby little hands".

"You're such a bitch!" A furious Riley yelled back, both fists gripped tightly together.

"Damn straight", she sniped.

Drake laid back on the floor with his hands cupped behind his head, "You just can't stop yourself can you Olivia?"

She raised an eyebrow and straightened her posture, "Who asked you...like your opinion matters anyway".

The air became thick with tension and poisonous words. Olivia was hurting and holding on for dear life. The only person who ever seemed to give a damn about her was slipping away fast.

A normally flippant Maxwell, tried to find a balance, an understanding of what was taking place. "Olivia, why do you berate everyone? Riley's never done anything to you".

Her beady, green eyes readily placed a target directly on him, "Like I care what some moron like you thinks. When you have to deal with the bullshit I go through everyday, then by all means judge away, until then, fucking mind your own business".

Maxwell jumped up and stood with a demeanor that suggested Olivia found his breaking point. With a raised voice and a face painted as red as her hair, "The bullshit you deal with? Your bullshit?...What about my bullshit? What about Drake and Liam and Riley's bullshit? Are you so fucking closed off and hardened, that you don't see we're all dealing with nothing but bullshit?...I have two dead parents, just like you,  and a brother who has a stick so far up his ass...", his voice started to break as he rubbed a stinging tear from his eye, "...just...quit acting like its only you".

Riley stood up and gave Maxwell a comforting embrace, while Drake continued to lay back, eyes closed, struggling with his own thoughts.

Liam noted Olivia's composure, she was tense and hollow, but, her eyes spoke volumes. She was fighting herself, the walls were crumbling and she was trying with all of her might to keep them standing. If there was ever a time to get into her heart, it was now.

Liam raised his knees and wrapped his arms around them, resting his chin down.  "We're supposed to write an essay about who we think we are....well, who are we? I sure as hell don't know who I am anymore...looking around at each of you and hearing Maxwell's words, tells me no one else does either".

Riley and Maxwell sat back down with the group, everyone except Drake pondering Liam's words in their minds, but, no one speaking.

Liam raised his head again and lowered his legs, crossing them in front of him. "Okay, I'll go first then....I'm suffocating, I'm losing my mind, at the end of a short rope. I hate my father, my life...who I have to be", he stopped for a second to prepare himself for what followed, "I wanted to die last night, even tried swallowing pills".

He grabs everyone's attention, including Olivia who saw him this morning, at the mention of the prince trying to commit suicide. "Yeah... I wanted it all to end...I just needed, peace".

Drake sits up, claps his hands mockingly and glares at Liam, "Boo..fucking.. hoo..must be real hard to have the entire damn country bowing at your ever present whim...so spare me the sob stories your majesty".

Olivia raises her hand back and slaps Drake across the face, screaming, "You weren't there this morning....you don't know what happens to him, to me... every day is a nightmare where the King dictates who we are or else."

Drake rubs the stinging on his reddened cheeks, seething, "Yeah, you’re right, I wasn't there, I was stuck in a damn basement apartment alone because my father died protecting your sorry, rich ass's and my mother lost her mind because of it"

Dead air filled the room.

"Sounds like your dad was a hero Drake...my real dad bailed before I was even born", Riley mused.

"Yeah Drake, at least your dad didn't die on a friggin boat with a cocaine stained nose, partying his ass off, while your mother was at home dying....it sucks I know, but, of the five of us, your dad was... pretty awesome", Maxwell said with a sympathetic smile.

A hero_? _That word caused a flood of emotions that ran straight to his yielded heart. He was breaking down too, especially when he caught a glimpse of Liam, a member of the royal family, nodding in agreement, showing genuine appreciation for Jackson Walker.

He ran a hand through his hair and held onto it with a tight grip. He tried to hold the moisture that formed like pools in his flustered, brown eyes, but, they poured out anyway. Even Olivia looked at him, envious of the legacy Jackson left for Drake and his sister to be proud of. No one else in the room could say the same of their fathers.

Drake covered his eyes and sniffled loudly, his lips quivering uncontrollably, "I miss my dad", he wailed out.

Maxwell and Riley quickly went to him, rubbing and patting him on the back. Liam crawled over to Drake, holding his head to his chest.

Liam looked at him while Drake tried to stifle his sobs. "Drake, I'd like to personally thank, on behalf of myself and the crown, the son of the man who saved me and my families life".

Drake had held his feelings in for so long, it felt surprisingly gratifying to finally release them. He thought to himself-_Fucking Bastien was right. _He lifted himself up, with everyone except Olivia following his lead. He wiped his wet face on the inside of shirt, "It's all I ever wanted, just someone to appreciate him...to care about what he did". Liam then pulled him into a hug, "I do Drake, I really do", as he clapped his back.

Drake returned a half smile, looking away for moment before turning to face Liam again, "You're already ten times the King your father is.".

Drake inhaled deeply and asked for a minute alone. He walked down the stairs and sat on the bottom step attempting to make sense of everything that just happened.

Olivia, remained still, then grabbed her purse and followed him. She sat down next to him, but, he didn't acknowledge her presence. She reached inside her purse and took  Drake's hand. He watched as she slowly dropped his fathers pocket watch into his palm.

Stunned, he stared at her in disbelief, "how did you...?"

She looked off in the distance, sighing, before meeting his bewildered look, "A courier dropped it off yesterday. It was found in an alley and had the Royal crest on it. Constantine didn't know who it belonged to and tossed it aside, but, I did....I took it and was going to use it against you".

He looked at the watch, clutching it with both hands as if his life depended on, "That's a real fucked up thing to do, even for you".

She swallowed hard, "Yeah...it is...I'm sorry".

Drake quirked his brows, "Did I really just get the Duchess of Lythikos to apologize to a poor commoner like me?".

She smiled and playfully swiped at his arm, "Yes, but, don't expect any more". She then leaned over, speaking in a low voice, "Can I tell you something?".

Drake squinted his eyes, skeptical, "What?"

Olivia looked around, "I actually had a lot of fun with you today, even when you were an asshole....banter aside, I can't say I've ever been on a drug run, climbed in an air duct, fallen through the ceiling and then got very....very stoned", she chortled.

He chuckled back, "Yeah, I never expected to do any of those things, especially with you".

"Walker?", she asked, "am I anything besides a bitch...I mean, who do I say I am?".

He thought for a moment before cracking a smile at her, "You're still a bitch....but, like a bad ass, take no prisoners kind, but, you're also one tough girl...you have to deal with a lot of Constantine's shit...that take's guts.".

She stood up, absorbing his words, "I was told as little girl...If you can breathe, you can stand and if you can stand, you can fight....So, I will just keep on fighting", she smiled, ruffled his hair and walked back upstairs.

Drake shook his head in disbelief, "unbelieveable", he said to himself as his enemy just became a friend. He followed her back up.

Liam came up behind Olivia and wrapped his arms around her, kissing her cheek. He knew what she had just done for Drake and was proud of her. He asked her to apologize to Riley, in which she hesitated. "She's the one Livvie", he told her. The words stung, but, she was also glad to see him happy for once..

Olivia apologized and she and Riley sat together talking about make up and different hairstyles Riley could try. She told her she was returning to Lythikos soon and if she ever needed anything to let her know.

Drake and Maxwell caught Liam up on why there was a hole in the ceiling. They each would reminisce about their childhood adventures together. Every now and then, Liam would peak over at Riley, just to see her.

The group made their way down the steps and gathered around Liam, sitting at a table, preparing to write the letter. He looked up at them, "So, who do we say we are?".

Maxwell slumped over on the table, "It's been a long day, I just wanna be Maxwell."

They each looked at one another and knew what they wanted.

"I'm just Riley".

"I guess, I'm just Olivia".

"Drake"

Liam penned it down to the letter, "and I just want to be Liam".

Olivia watched as Riley and Liam sat together, canoodling, as she described it. Drake came up behind her and placed both hands on her shoulders, tugging them. She looked at him with a sad face. "Come on, you can sit with me and Maxwell", he said as he pulled her over to another table.

Some time had passed when the door opened and Bastien walked in. They were all surprised to learn that this whole thing was not actually Constantine's doing, but, he and Regina's. The kids were falling apart and they thought they could use time together, helping one another, in a way an adult couldn't.  Apparently, their plan worked.

"Real fucking sneaky Bas", Drake said as he pulled him into hug, "does this mean I don't have seven weekends of guard duty with the ass clown you sent in here to watch us?"

"We'll see", he chuckled.

Everyone made their way out of the library, with Liam stopping Riley in the hallway. "Hey you".

"Hey you", she replied while pulling him to her.

"I have to go speak with my father, but, I'll meet you at the garden maze in twenty minutes, okay?"

She stood on her tipped toes and kissed him, "Don't you forget about me", she teased.

They parted ways and she made it to the palace entrance. She was met by two officers and a guard, looking specifically for her.

The officer approached her, "Riley Brooks?"

She wanted to lie, but, they obviously knew it was her. She let a shaky response, "yes".

The officer grabbed her and placed her under arrest, "we received word from His Majesty that you are a runaway who snuck into the palace".

Riley tried to explain to them that she was invited by Maxwell and that the Prince knows her, however, it fell on deaf ears.

Constantine met them at the door, with a scour look. He walked up to her, glared at her for what seemed to be hours for Riley, then smacked her in the face. "Don't you ever think about coming back here again.... or you will be sorry."

He motioned for the officers to take her away.

She cried out, "please dont send me back, he'll kill me....please....Liam!!!".

***Let me know if you want removed from the tag list.

@timothygorgeous @lovemychoices @gnatbrain @burnsoslow @choiceslife @stopforamoment @thisperfectmemory @kingliam2019 @moneyfordiamonds @pedudley @emceesynonymroll @romanticatheart-posts @carabeth @dcbbw @ao719 @ladyakwardness

[miss-pearlescent]

Teenage Romance Angst

There she was again, sitting by herself. She was working on something at the table and Jongin's palms suddenly started sweating. Discreetly, he wiped them on his pants.

He had less than five minutes to talk to her before all her friends swarmed over.

Making a beeline for her table, Jongin nearly body checked a freshman and tripped over a table leg. Good thing she didn't see that.

"Hey," he said breathlessly, slipping into the spot beside her. Her fringe had fallen forward, covering her face and when she swept it back, Jongin got just a little bit more breathless.

She quickly put her work away and said, "Hi, what's up?"

Man, he had something planned but suddenly noticed how good she smelled and realized he'd never sat this close to her before. He inched back before she thought he was a creep. "Have you tried the new pizza from the caf?" Nice, Jongin, nice.

"There's new pizza?"

"Yeah," Jongin fumbled for words. "Apparently, they added some new secret ingredient," he lied straight through his teeth.

"I see..." she narrowed her eyes and her pink, glossy lips curved into a smile. She was catching on. Time to change the subject.

He rubbed the back of his neck and cleared his throat. "So how's school?"

"It's...It's good?"

God, you're making this awkward, Kim Jongin. "That's good." He licked his lips. "So—"

Two trays landed on the table, both filled with food. Jongin looked up and saw Luhan, the most popular boy in their grade, taking a seat on Boyoung's other side.

"Hey," she said with a wave. Damn, she was the one initiating the conversation there. And with a familiar hey, no less.

"Hey," Luhan barely glanced at Jongin as he nudged the tray. "I got you the pizza today." Jongin scowled. Damn, when did Luhan start getting lunch for Boyoung?

She gave a bubbly laugh as she stared down at the slice of pizza, which looked like every other slice since the beginning of the year. "Did they change up the pizza?"

"No," Luhan replied with a mouthful of food. "Why would they do that?"

She shrugged and a strand of straight, black hair that was caught on her shoulder slid down her arm. "I just heard from—"

It was time for him to go. Jongin pretended to check his watch. "I think I hear my friends calling." Smooth. "See you guys later." He left the cafeteria.

Once he was back at his locker, he leaned against the cool metal door to calm himself. He would have to ask her to the Winter Solstice Festival another day.

-

"Hey, that's your girl, right?" Jongin felt a sharp nudge at his side as he looked up.

Oh great, not now.

"She's not my girl," he hissed back at Sehun.

The boy put a bunch of stickers in his hand. "Well, give her these stickers and see if she'll become your girl."

He almost stuffed it back at Sehun, but Boyoung was too close and he froze. She had come from the direction of the gym and her cheeks were flushed, her hair tied back into a high ponytail.

She gave him a small smile as she passed.

Jongin didn't know what to say. His mind wasn't working straight so he looked down at her sneakers instead of making a fool of himself. Without thinking, his mouth started moving. "Nice shoes."

He looked back up for her reaction, certain that she would think he was a creep. Her skeptical expression told him he was right. "Thanks," she said and continued walking.

Sehun stopped her and did what Jongin was supposed to do. Give her a flyer and tell her about the animal shelter fundraising campaign they were advertising for.

And he gave her a goddamn sticker.

Sehun's eyes slid over her shoulder to throw Jongin a smug look as he helped put a sticker on her gym uniform. She walked away, waving happily and trying to read her sticker upside-down.

For the rest of the day, Sehun wouldn't stop teasing Jongin about missing the opportunity to pat the sticker onto Boyoung's chest. Jongin nearly punched him out just to shut him up.

Goddamn those stickers.

~3 months later~

"Your father and I worked so hard for you, and you decide to do live your life like this?"

It still hurt because it was true.

Bo pulled her knees up to her chest and swallowed the lump in her throat that wouldn't go down. Really, there was no use in crying over this. It was an old issue and crying wasn't going to help it.

Nothing was, unless she could grow the fuck up like everybody told her to.

But if growing up meant sitting at a desk all day, reading textbooks, and writing papers, then she didn't know if she could do it. At her own desk were a million scattered papers, true, but none of them were for academics. She had venues to call for her grade's graduation dance, she had her friends' essays to edit, and she had a monthly events calendar to write up for the student council.

None of which would help her slipping marks. At this rate, she wasn't going to pass her university entrance exams, let alone get into one of the country's top universities like her parents had expected since she was a toddler.

Her phone buzzed by her feet and the tears almost started pouring out when she saw the name on the screen. NiNi

"That boy is toxic. Ever since you've started dating him, you have been doing worse and worse at school. I've told you a thousand times and I'll tell you again: you need to end this relationship. It's useless."

She picked up the phone. Amazing that her voice didn't crack when she answered.

The reply was a noise between a groan and a whine. "Bo-yah-yah-yah-youngie, please tell me you got B as the answer for question 16. I'm going to die if it's not."

"I don't know," she whispered, too scared to talk any louder than that. Not even Jongin's butchering of her name could lift her mood.

There was silence on the other end and she knew he detected something weird. "Did I just wake you?" he asked quietly.

"No."

"Did something happen?" he asked with caution. He was the only person outside of her family that knew her relationship with her parents, and he knew they didn't like him, too.

She swallowed, hard. "Nothing happened. I'll talk to you tomorrow." Her sentence ended with a crack in her voice.

"Wait." He sounded breathless all of a sudden. "You're at home, right? I'll come over."

Just because he knew her parents didn't like him didn't mean he cared. He tried his best to do everything right, but none of their dislike was his fault anyway. She shook her head. "No, do your homework."

"Boyoung, I'm—"

"Kim Jongin, I don't want to see you." She hung up and slammed her phone face down on the bed.

Burying her face into her knees, she cried until her knees felt the wetness through the thick cotton of her pajama bottoms...which were actually a pair of Jongin's sweat pants. She shook with sobs because she loved him so much, but why was the world so against their relationship?

She was starting to see her mother's reasoning. If she continued down this trail, if she didn't end this relationship with Jongin, was she going to make a fool of herself? She had begun to study more since meeting Jongin's mother, but it didn't raise her dismal grades that had been low from the beginning.

Maybe she was born stupid.

When she lifted her head, she realized she was. Her hand went to the phone again. Jongin had stopped trying to call her for a whole five minutes now, and she was worried he was actually going to drive over. He wouldn't give up, he never did.

She dialed his number.

"Bo—"

"Don't come over."

He sighed. More shuffling. "Fine, I'll stay in my room. But don't hang up on me this time."

"Do your homework," she said, sniffling.

"And bore you with these equations? I don't want to turn into the next Mr. Chang."

Her lips cracked into a small smile because she knew he was trying to cheer her up. "Mr. Chang isn't so bad."

He scoffed. "Not if you like the type that spends the class talking about his son and then sends us home with three hours of work that he didn't cover in class. But wait, let me guess. You've got all the answers already, haven't you?"

"No," she lied. She had done them during lunch today when Jongin was busy with something else. If she hadn't been dating Jongin, she might've hung out with her friends. But his mom wanted to meet her and Bo was determined to give off the right impression...like doing her homework.

Jongin gave an exaggerated sigh. "Ah, well, I guess I'll have to hand my homework in without checking it over with you. By the way, the answer for question 16 is B, right?"

The answer was D, but they both knew she wasn't going to simply give the answer to him. "Jongin."

"Fine, I'll go do my work. But keep me on the line, okay?"

She wiped her nose with the back of her hand. "I want to go to sleep."

"Then lay down." His voice had gone softer, losing its humour, and she put her head down on her pillow. "Your makeup's off? Your retainers on?"

She almost laughed. "Yes, Jongin."

"Good."

She listened to him breathe and every once in a while, he moved around in his room or cleared his throat. She imagined him without his shirt on, padding around barefooted in his untidy room with his mangas lying around everywhere.

"Bo?"

She choked on her tears and began to cough, surprised that she was crying.

They couldn't stop. She cried harder and Jongin continued to whisper her name through the phone, or maybe he was just saying comforting words. Either way, she curled in on herself and held the phone close to her ear, closing her eyes so that the only thing in her head was Jongin's voice.

She didn't think about meeting her parents' expectations. She didn't think about meeting Jongin's parents' expectations. She didn't think about universities or career paths or the next due date on her calendar. She just listened to his voice and her shuddered breaths.

"Jongin..." she whimpered. She didn't know what she wanted to say. I'm not going to get into a good school. I'm a disappointment. Your mom's going to hate me.

"I'm here, Bo," he whispered. "I'll always be here when you need me."

Soon, she fell asleep to his words murmured over and over again.

---

I wrote this back in first or second year uni for nanowrimo, got 20k words in, and then couldn’t do it anymore because there were so many plot holes and I was tired of the story LOL It was supposed to be a Jongin sequel to “Trying to Conceive with Mr Wu Yifan” and it was gonna be titled ~Catching a Flirt Named Kim Jongin~ LMFAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO i thought I was so clever. Anyway, this was just the prologue/flashback portion of the story. I found it while going through my old drafts and decided to put it up cuz I wasn’t gonna do anything else with it LOL hope you guys liked that little drabble! Have a great weekend :) :) :)

[punkscowardschampions]

Bea & Fraze

Bea: You don't have any lectures Friday this term, right? Fraze: Right Bea: I thought so Bea: so you could be here Friday @ 8PM Bea: realistically Fraze: Yeah Bea: Okay good Fraze: Is it? Bea: Well Bea: Unavoidable social events aren't anything to shout about but they are what they say on the tin Bea: need someone to go with, one of those things Fraze: You ain't really selling it here, babe Fraze: Get that lad who wants to fuck you to do it Bea: Come on Bea: I'll owe you one Fraze: You should've led with that Bea: I'm not gonna lie to get you here Bea: just a birthday meal, we've endured worse Bea: but everyone is coupled up and I can't show up alone Fraze: I'm not gonna lie that I'm thrilled for the invite Bea: I don't need you to lie Bea: just need you to do it so what will that take Fraze: I'll do it 'cause you asked me Fraze: You'll owe me when I need it Bea: Alright Bea: deal Bea: air on the smarter side of smart casual for the dresscode Fraze: Alright Bea: Lemme know when you've booked your flight Bea: can stay after if you haven't got other plans Fraze: I'll do it now Fraze: Before I get other plans Bea: Thanks Fraze: Don't thank me yet if any of their posh cunt boyfriends wind me up you won't be Bea: It's a boy's birthday Bea: and he's from somewhere up North so I'm not sure how posh he is Bea: they're alright Bea: you'll be fine for a night Fraze: I don't need his entire autobiography, like Fraze: He'll be the one blowing out the candles and I'll be gone not too long after Bea: Hardly Bea: don't need you wishing the wrong person happy birthday Fraze: I don't need to wish anyone anything, he's your friend not mine Bea: 🙄 Bea: You don't get to call an IOU if you're gonna come and be a twat Fraze: You don't get to tell me how to socialise Fraze: I'll buy him a couple of drinks, job easily done Bea: So you're just being awkward with me Bea: I wouldn't have asked if it weren't necessary yeah Fraze: If I was being awkward I'd have said I was busy Bea: Whatever then Fraze: It ain't whatever, you're here 'cause you want something, end of Fraze: You ain't bringing the pleasantries so why the fuck am or would I? Bea: I said you could stay Bea: if you're coming we could at least try to have a nice time Fraze: You said I could stay 'cause otherwise you owe me bigger Fraze: It ain't just flights both ways and whatever the fuck this dinner party is, it's all that one after the fucking other Bea: No I did not Bea: don't make me out like I'm so fucking calculated Bea: and yeah, that's exactly why I said make a weekend of it so it isn't here and immediately back Bea: but if you can't do it then don't agree to, it's fine Fraze: I'm not making you out to be anything, like I said, you led with what you led with, babe Fraze: If you wanted me to stay, if it was about me at fucking all, this conversation would've been entirely different Fraze: You know what you want and you know how to get it Bea: You're hearing what you wanna hear, more like Bea: just 'cos I was honest and didn't try to sell this as the party of the year, you've decided to be in a mood about it Fraze: I'm reading what's written Fraze: You have no idea what mood I'm in 'cause you ain't asked me Fraze: But yeah, sorry it ain't a pleasure doing business with you Bea: Oh my God Bea: forget it, it's fine Fraze: I've booked my flight, like I said I would, so that ain't really an option unless you wanna refund me Fraze: [imagine flight details sent here cos what do I know about it] Bea: Really Bea: alright, we'll just have to make best of a bad situation then Fraze: Lucky for us we've had loads of practice at exactly that, yeah? Bea: Lucky is exactly how I'd put it Fraze: Saved you a job then Bea: Gee, thanks Bea: whilst you're at it, can you grab the dress I wore for NYE Bea: got nothing that's cutting it here Fraze: You're so welcome, princess Fraze: Sure, not like I have to pack loads of shit for myself, quickest of visits, like Bea: You're so welcome Fraze: I know Bea: you want a hotel room or what? Fraze: You got any single friends or what? Bea: Yeah so you've not been reading what I said Bea: as suspected Fraze: 'Cause I assumed they weren't all gathered in one room Fraze: I didn't realise you were living some kind of murder mystery Bea: You know my course is selective Fraze: So I got the wrong book and Cambs is more like Hogwarts Fraze: No mixing, yeah? Bea: What'd be the point? Fraze: Could be friends who don't celebrate with wanky dinners, but we'll never know now Bea: That's irrelevant Bea: wouldn't want to go either way Fraze: It's irrelevant 'cause it ain't gonna happen, like I said, the wanky dinner is the only option Bea: It's irrelevant because getting pissed in a restaurant is no different to getting pissed in a pub Bea: you're the snob in this situation, they've seen the inside of the SU and they live in filthy student accommodation, if it makes you feel better Fraze: That's bullshit that you don't want my da to hear you spouting, first of all and second of all, fuck off Bea: It's true, whether your dad reckons it or not Fraze: It ain't even close to true Fraze: The truth is, you weren't excited about this and they're your friends so don't be a fucking hypocrite and expect me to be Bea: Don't judge them when you don't even know if they're a girl or a boy Fraze: I could give a fuck about 'em Bea: Then shut up talking about them either way Fraze: I've barely said a word about 'em Bea: No, that's me Bea: you're the one going on speculating about my friends Fraze: Am I fuck Bea: Sure Bea: it ain't a big secret Bea: I'll give you their socials beforehand, like Fraze: You sure? You're well touchy on their behalf Bea: Yeah right Bea: because you're not just judging them, you're judging me and you're being a cunt Fraze: I am a cunt that ain't news, I don't know 'em to judge 'em I've never met 'em before this Fraze: Asking if you've got friends outside your course ain't a judgement it Fraze: its a question Bea: They aren't mutually exclusive Bea: it's more than capable of being loaded with both Fraze: You're more than capable of realising what I mean and what I don't Bea: Yeah, I am Fraze: So what's your problem? Fraze: The actual one Bea: I've said Fraze: Nah Bea: Yeah Bea: you're the only one with shit to say Fraze: What I'm saying is what I've already said, you've seen me judgemental and your friends are getting off light Fraze: Try again Bea: I don't care Bea: I've actually got shit to do Bea: see you when you're here Fraze: If you didn't care you wouldn't have to tell me you don't Fraze: But whatever, I've got my own shit to do Bea: I would when you won't stop talking Fraze: Bullshit Bea: How is it Bea: seriously, you do not know how to take a hint Fraze: You know how to shut me up Bea: Clearly not Fraze: Nice try Bea: Fuck off Fraze: Come on, that ain't ever worked, go again Bea: Seriously Bea: you're being stupid now Fraze: You're treating me like I'm stupid Bea: No, I'm treating you how you're happy to be treated Fraze: You're losing your touch with me if that's what you reckon, babe Bea: If you like Fraze: You clearly do Bea: You don't know any more than me Fraze: If you like Bea: Can't have it both ways Fraze: Maybe not in Cambs Fraze: I can have it any way I want, cunt's prerogative Bea: Almost convincing Bea: Not Fraze: Not you I have to convince Bea: Lucky again Fraze: One word for it Bea: Feel free to throw any synonyms you like around Fraze: We've both got better things to do Fraze: It ain't going towards my word count on any assignment Bea: Glad you're finally seeing sense Fraze: 'Course you are Fraze: You got what you wanted, no need to keep the conversation going on your end, like Bea: You really want me to rise to it Bea: Interesting Fraze: For you maybe, I'd call it boring Bea: Yeah, insult me when you've shown too much Bea: that'll work Fraze: If I was insulting you, I'd do better Bea: No proof of that Fraze: There's years of it Bea: All those years have been reduced to a piece of paper and some letters Bea: don't you know none of that matters now Fraze: If I didn't before I do now Fraze: Cheers for that Bea: Should've covered that in freshers week Bea: so you're welcome again Fraze: Yeah Bea: We all good here then? Fraze: Is that a rhetorical question? Bea: Nope Fraze: Shame Bea: Easier for you, I understand Fraze: Nah, easier for you, as per Bea: I'm not the one avoiding the question Fraze: You're avoiding the answer Bea: Ooh Bea: deep Bea: didn't know you'd switched to Philosophy Fraze: You don't know fuck all about any of this shit Fraze: We've already established that Bea: Please do mansplain it to me Bea: not enough of that in my life Fraze: As much as you'd love for me to be that cunt Bea: We've already established you are Bea: regardless how I feel about it Fraze: Nah, we haven't that's the point Fraze: I'm a cunt, that one ain't it Bea: You keep saying lots of things are the point Bea: becomes less and less persuasive every time but I get it Fraze: What, you can only keep up with the one? Fraze: I'm keep it well simple for you then, fuck you Bea: Cool Bea: if you'd have just answered 20 messages ago Fraze: Next time feel free to stop answering whenever the fuck you like Bea: Awh Fraze: Don't Bea: Why not Fraze: You know why not Bea: You're the only one that gets to be a cunt Bea: I don't think so Fraze: Yeah, 'cause that's the first time you've been a cunt Bea: Finally he says how he really feels Fraze: It ain't how I feel it's how it is Bea: Same difference Bea: Least you ain't being a pussy no more Fraze: You wish, babe Fraze: Not everything's about you, it shouldn't be news Bea: You wish, babe Fraze: Yeah, I do Fraze: I'd love for you to be my only problem right now Bea: If it's a problem you're doing it wrong Fraze: Again, you wish Fraze: That weren't even close to what I was talking about Bea: Yeah, essays, I remember Bea: we all have them Bea: this year doesn't count Fraze: Jesus, forget it Bea: What Bea: Stop talking in riddles and be a person if you want a fucking conversation Fraze: I don't want a fucking conversation with you, I said forget it Bea: Fine Fraze: Good Bea: There's your rhetorical Fraze: If you say so Bea: 👍 Fraze: Yeah right Bea: Fuck off Fraze: Ladies first Bea: You aren't funny Fraze: I ain't in a joking mood Bea: What's wrong Bea: seriously Fraze: For fuck's sake Bea: Just tell me Fraze: Shut up Bea: No Fraze: Don't make me repeat myself Bea: Then tell me Fraze: No Bea: then fuck you Fraze: Then fuck me Fraze: Whatever Bea: It isn't Fraze: And what? Bea: And you could do something about it Fraze: I'm not fucking stupid, don't talk to me like I am Bea: You're not talking to me at all Bea: what else can I go on Fraze: It's not a mystery for you to solve Fraze: Go do something else Bea: Can't make me Fraze: Don't be stupid Bea: Why not Fraze: 'Cause you ain't Bea: When it's convenient Fraze: Bullshit, it's inconvenient as hell right now and I'm still saying it Bea: How is it inconvenient Bea: not like I've worked it out Fraze: You won't fucking drop it either way Fraze: And when I show up to this birthday dinner unable to hold my cutlery 'cause you keep winding me up it'll be exactly that Bea: If you just told me, it would be dropped Bea: and you aren't blaming me if you hurt yourself Fraze: I've already told you, I don't wanna fucking talk about it Bea: Fraze Fraze: Don't Bea: You first Fraze: Seriously don't Bea: Don't come Bea: I'll send you the money Bea: whatever, I don't care Fraze: Alright Bea: Good luck with Bea: whatever it is Fraze: It ain't about luck Fraze: Save your breath Bea: So I can't say anything now? Bea: Fine Fraze: I don't need your help or whatever the fuck that was Bea: I didn't offer help Fraze: Like I said, whatever the hell you are offering, don't Bea: I said I don't need you now Fraze: Fuck off then Bea: You're more than capable of ending the conversation yourself Bea: I'm not doing it for you Fraze: Do it for yourself Bea: Like you care Fraze: 'Course I do Bea: Yeah right Fraze: Yeah right Fraze: I love you Bea: I wanted you to come Fraze: I'll be there Bea: It's a stupid reason to come Fraze: That's not the reason I'm showing up Fraze: It's an excuse for why I can Bea: I miss you so much I can't think properly Bea: it's fucking me up Fraze: I know, me too Bea: I don't know what we should do Fraze: I know what you should do, it's what you're already doing Fraze: You belong there, babe Bea: That's not the answer to the question I asked though Bea: just an answer Fraze: Yeah well Bea: I know Fraze: Nothing's how I thought it'd be or how I want it but I'm trying to work it out Bea: I'm proud of you Fraze: Don't be Fraze: Not for this Bea: Alright, I'll be proud when you work it out Bea: better? Fraze: Yeah Bea: It's just another stepping stone, yeah Bea: it's not permanent Fraze: I fucking hope not Bea: Me too Fraze: I don't know how to explain how wrong all of this is Bea: I'm the one person you really don't have to explain it too though so Bea: that's something Fraze: If it was just you, us Fraze: But everything is so fucked Bea: Like what else Bea: please talk to me Fraze: I've made too many mistakes here, with this Fraze: I don't know if I should've done any of it Bea: Your course or uni as a whole? Fraze: Maybe it'd be different somewhere else, maybe it wouldn't Bea: You can transfer credits, but yeah Bea: a gamble on a maybe Bea: there's always options, different ways to get to what you want, you ain't trapped Bea: alright, remember, like Fraze: I ain't a quitter either Bea: Then don't Bea: but you're no idiot Bea: so you wouldn't stay if it made no sense Fraze: I've stayed this long, I feel like an idiot Bea: It's a big deal Bea: you wouldn't wanna drop out then regret that, you need to be sure what you wanna do Fraze: I know Bea: You're not an idiot Fraze: Don't be nice to me now Bea: Fuck you Bea: better? Fraze: I miss you Fraze: If you wanna feel sorry for me over something it can be that Bea: I mean Bea: yeah, that's a shitty state of affairs to be in Fraze: Exactly Bea: Of all the people in all the world to miss Fraze: I picked the best one Fraze: Not that much of an idiot, clearly Bea: Shut up Bea: you aren't allowed to be nice either Fraze: You can't make me and you seriously can't stop me Bea: Give you the former Bea: but I've definitely just proved I can stop you being nice easy as Fraze: That weren't you it was me Bea: You're really gonna hit me with that cliche now? Bea: Ouch 💔 Fraze: It's a cliche for a reason, Red Bea: 'Cos people rely on it when they don't wanna be honest, like Fraze: And 'cause it's a numbers thing and in this case it's always gonna be me being a cunt more than it is you Bea: Nah Bea: I don't like to be outdone, thank you Fraze: Give me this one thing, yeah? Bea: Hmm Bea: begrudgingly Bea: if we never speak of it again Fraze: I'll take it silently Bea: 😏 Fraze: Shut up Bea: I didn't say anything Bea: rude! Fraze: I know what you're thinking Bea: Interesting Bea: but actually Fraze: But actually don't start, you already know I miss you Bea: Fine Bea: boring but fine Fraze: It ain't boring to want to survive until I can see you in person Fraze: Or touch you in person Bea: I really wish your flight was sooner Fraze: If I could change it, I would Bea: Be worth the wait Bea: always is Fraze: You always are Bea: Don't be saying that to anyone else Bea: just me yeah Fraze: I'm not waiting for anyone else, just you Bea: Still Fraze: Come on Fraze: You know you're the only one worth anything to me Bea: I don't wanna talk about them Fraze: I'm talking about you, nobody else Bea: Yeah Fraze: Yeah Bea: You don't need a hotel room Fraze: I don't want one Bea: Good 'cos I'm not paying Fraze: Buy me a drink and I'll get over it Bea: I don't know Bea: not your birthday Bea: we'll see Fraze: It ain't NYE either but I'll still see you in that dress again Bea: Exactly Bea: Don't push your luck Fraze: It's my luck, you can't tell me what to do with it Bea: I have missed you Fraze: Good Bea: Do you know what you're gonna do this summer Fraze: Find a job Fraze: Why, what are you gonna do? Bea: I don't know Bea: Probably the same Bea: that lot are talking about traveling but I don't think I fancy it Fraze: 'Course not Fraze: I can picture the kind of bullshit they are planning to do Fraze: Don't even have to know 'em Bea: Least it's not ski season Bea: I'd rather get ahead in any which ways I can Fraze: There or here? Bea: Don't know that either Bea: depends if there's any point being near the uni or I'll have to do it myself Fraze: Fair point Bea: Not like I'm ready for an apprenticeship or anything but might be something more relevant than working in a shop again or whatever Fraze: Exactly Bea: Depends depends Fraze: You can make something happen Fraze: This place has summer shit going on and it ain't as fancy as yours Fraze: The professors are already trying to get anyone who will to give 'em a hand Bea: Yeah Bea: I guess Fraze: Come on Fraze: You're top of your class ain't you, all the teachers will be tripping over themselves to help you out Bea: Obviously Bea: it ain't that Bea: maybe I should go somewhere as well Bea: it's not all about the academics is it Fraze: You'll have time to do both Fraze: If you want Bea: You're right Bea: it's just prioritizing what I want most Fraze: Nothing new there then Fraze: That's all life is basically Bea: Pretty much Fraze: You'll figure it out, you always do Bea: 'Course Bea: not complaining, got enough time to sort all that Bea: right now I need to get ready Fraze: You and me both, babe Bea: What you up to? Fraze: Gym first then it'll get put to a vote so half the lads don't cry off before we've even started Bea: That's cute Bea: very diplomatic Fraze: You're not the only one with wanky friends, what can I say? Bea: 😏 Bea: should connect them up Fraze: Fucking hell cheers for that thought, like Fraze: Not good enough to distract me from asking where you're going though Bea: Tragically the gender gap means there's like 3 other girls on my course so naturally yours will be devastated but can't fix that one myself Bea: Gonna go London Bea: got a free tomorrow Fraze: But gay Jordan will be in his element Fraze: Speaking of, say hi to your besties from me then Bea: Swings and roundabouts Bea: Will do Fraze: Cheers Bea: 'Course Bea: any message, I'm your girl Fraze: 'Course Bea: Has Joe spoke to your 'rents recently or do I actually need to nag him Fraze: Don't be stupid Fraze: Like you he only starts a convo if he needs something Bea: Right Fraze: It ain't but it also ain't my problem Bea: Mine either Fraze: Why bring him up then? Fraze: You don't love to nag that much Bea: Because he'll be there Fraze: It makes no odds to me, I won't Bea: It'd be weird if I acted like he wasn't Bea: no need to think on it any more than that Fraze: It's weird that he is, but whatever Bea: What do you mean Fraze: What I said Bea: And that is? Fraze: Him hanging out with that lot is weird Bea: Just different from what you wanna do Fraze: If you like Bea: They've got stuff in common Bea: why not Fraze: I'd have shit in common with your Cambs mates if I tried hard enough, don't mean I'm gonna come back to hang out Bea: You aren't related to any of them Fraze: Don't Bea: Well, don't you be stupid Bea: it's obvious, whether you want to think about it or not Fraze: Shut up Bea: Whatever Fraze: Go get ready Bea: I am Bea: but message received Fraze: Whatever Fraze: I've gotta go Bea: Have fun Fraze: Yeah, you too Bea: Slainte Fraze: [time skip moment let's all take a sec to appreciate them both rocking a look] Bea: [naturally, as if you didn't miss each other enough lmao] Fraze: [this is why I LOVE you both so much] Bea: [see if I can find a pic but lord knows] Fraze: [likewise but we know the luck I have with boy clothes] Bea: [are they opposite each other or next to each other it's important] Fraze: [lets commit to opposite for the eye contact if no other reason lol] Bea: [definitely] Bea: See, they aren't THAT bad Fraze: I never said they were Bea: Your face is very expressive Fraze: If you look long enough, 'course it is Fraze: [a look because I must] Bea: [just smirking and catching his eye before looking away really fast] Fraze: [shaking his head but not in a shady way we know he loves it and her bye] Bea: See? Bea: Blatant Fraze: You already know what I'm thinking, I ain't gonna bother putting a front on, like Bea: I didn't say I mind Fraze: You don't have to, I know you don't Bea: What else do you know, smartypants Fraze: I know you look even better in that than you did at New Year's Bea: I'll take it Bea: you're not as wasted as you were then Bea: [looks at him like she's checking] Fraze: Not yet Bea: You reckon you can get on that level tonight Bea: Doubt it Fraze: 'Course I could Fraze: Easy Bea: Better get a round in then, hadn't I Bea: call it consolation Bea: [is getting every hoes order] Fraze: [helps because he's that bitch] Bea: [whatta couple] Fraze: [let's take a moment to appreciate how sociable he actually is though despite the moody cunt he also is casually he's my dad haha] Bea: [hence she woulda invited him, beyond the obvious of wanting to, 'cos he's not gonna embarrass her like bronson accidentally would lbr] Fraze: [oh bless him he's not the one you need in a time like this] Bea: [at the bar like 'would your dad pay you for the summer, like?'] Fraze: [he shrugs but we both know he's thought about it 'depends who else he's got on the payroll'] Bea: [nods and nudges him, 'worth a thought, worse ways to spend a summer'] Fraze: [nudges her back and gives her a LOOK which we know means he can think of better ways too] Bea: [blushes and says 'shut up' as if he's said anything but still returning the look whilst they wait obvs] Fraze: [eye contact 5ever cos its my fave thing but 😏 because when you're that pale there's no hiding that blush soz Bea] Bea: [when a nudge turns to a shove but he's tol and you're smol so not like he's going flying] Fraze: [he'd just lol because loves it] Bea: [making him carry most of it 'cos you're faux mad] Fraze: [not gonna faze him cos 1. he's that bitch and 2. his dad literally owns a pub we know he's got this 3. he'd probably take more than she needs him to in order to show off anyway cos also that bitch]] Bea: [when you love that bitch] Fraze: [when you're just looking at her like deny that was impressive] Bea: [raises her glass/eyebrow at him sassily] Fraze: [backatcha on both counts of course then he's talking to whoever just casually being the life and soul like fine I'll play to my impressed audience] Bea: [tbf you better socialize too babe, don't lose your friends, at least one should be a relatively hot lad for the jealousy moment] Fraze: [omg yes do it talk to him girl] Bea: [can't all be harmless nerds, like] Fraze: [at least he can retaliate by talking to the hottest girlfriend there cos its all couples and they can't all be gay either haha] Bea: [imagine lmao] Fraze: [some of them should be cos clearly she attracts the gays to her by being such a bad bitch] Bea: [gay men are always here for a bad bitch so true, just casually fuming rn, you two are so petty] Fraze: [smoke break even if the rest of them probably fucking vape now or whatever cos likewise he is mad lol] Bea: thanks for the invite Fraze: I reckoned you'd be too busy Bea: Firstly, how Bea: secondly, not the point Fraze: You and Ollie getting on like a church on fire is both the how and the point Bea: With his girlfriend right there, please Bea: Point is you clearly would rather be out there with Bea: I don't even know her name Fraze: Maybe if you chatted to any other cunt besides him you would Bea: Ridiculous Bea: I haven't talked to anyone more than anyone else Fraze: Yeah, you are Fraze: Spotlight's meant to be on the birthday boy, remember Bea: You wouldn't know who I'm talking to Bea: you ran away Fraze: I went for a smoke Fraze: You'll still be laughing at his jokes when I'm done Bea: I ain't laughing, trust Bea: everyone knows I smoke, so I look like a twat, thanks Fraze: So tear yourself away from that twat and come out now Bea: If you think I'm following you anywhere Bea: that's miles worse Fraze: Christ's sake Fraze: I'll come and carry you out if you don't, how's that for worse Bea: That about sums it up Fraze: 'Cause you'd rather stay with him Bea: Yes, obviously Bea: it has nothing to do with how you've behaved at all Bea: just wanna fuck him so much, present company be damned Fraze: Yeah, obviously Fraze: If I was behaving badly I wouldn't be here Bea: I'm meant to thank you for that, am I Fraze: I'd take you not assuming I faked needing a smoke so I could fuck Kate up against the bins Bea: Shut the fuck up Fraze: Make me Fraze: You'll have to get his tongue out your ear first though so I won't hold my breath Bea: [Obvs gonna storm out there for better or worse, 'scuse me everyone Fraze: [I have a mental image like that song in rent when everyone's just looking like OMG then following the sing fight I am lol] Bea: [lmao if only you could be so shameless people] Fraze: [posh or middle class peeps could never tbh you gotta be full fish wife hanging out the window like oiii] Bea: [tbf you'd be getting a show so like stay seated please] Fraze: [for real though Kate needs to fuck off sharpish also please] Bea: [also triggered by her being called Kate tbh, too close to home, don't need them mems] Fraze: [I'm so rude I know] Bea: [Lbr she'd probably ask her to leave, not like she's on her course, not gotta be besties] Fraze: [she might not even go to that entire uni so who cares] Bea: [tbh, soz honey, but then purposely staying a stupid distance away from him as she lights up her own cigarette] Fraze: [we all know he's just waiting for her to break first so he doesn't have to be the one to say/do anything oh so casually smoking but staring at her like] Bea: [ah the casual game of wills] Fraze: [the literal years of this though don't even start thinking about it] Bea: [just being cocky af and looking at him like 'nothing to say?' 'cos that means she's shut him up so a win either way on this one I'm afraid] Fraze: ['I've got loads to say, it's just that none of it's to you, that's your problem with me, babe' because he knows exactly what that look means of course] Bea: [Scoffs 'Bullshit' we all know Kate was not that interesting Fraze: ['You wish' but she's right and that's the tea] Bea: ['That's why you were paying so much attention to mine and Ollie's conversation then, sure'] Fraze: ['That's why you were flaunting it'] Bea: ['I'm not pretending to be interested' bit rude to your friend but ok] Fraze: ['That makes two of us' when you've finished your 🚬 but you don't leave] Bea: ['I don't believe you' when you say it with as much confidence as you can but this is the time of doubt so fun] Fraze: ['So what if you don't' ouch don't be so rude we all know you care] Bea: ['So- we're done here' when you clearly are not done with your 🚬 but you gotta throw that shit anyway 'cos you can't] Fraze: [when she doesn't have a sleeve so you gotta grab her wrist to stop her going and we all know what a dangerous game that is] Bea: [pushing him way harder than any bants earlier, onto whatever bench situation is out here so she can kiss him harder, eventually breaking away 'Go fuck her now'] Fraze: ['We're not done. You and me we ain't ever done' and if she needed the proof then of course he's kissing her as hard as she kissed him] Bea: [I'll be mean and stop them before it becomes x-rated by someone coming out then awkwardly being like whoops, but we're moving onto this club so come on] Fraze: [soz to that poor random individual] Bea: [Won't be Kate she's already traumatized] Fraze: [Hopefully it's none of her friends she don't need that] Bea: [although if it was that'd be a thingTM 'cos boys, however nice, would be weird about it like ooh 'cos she's hot and now a dark horse] Fraze: [omg good point actually I change my mind] Fraze: [also the 💋 everywhere is making me die bye] Bea: [gotta clean his face for him before they go] Fraze: [that shouldn't be as hot as it obviously would be oh you guys] Bea: [when you'd be tempted to leave some 'cos territorial Fraze: [she's so gotta cos he wouldn't care we all know it] Bea: [with a casual lovebite probably] Fraze: [it's a mood] Bea: [this club ain't, typical student fare though] Fraze: [oh god it'd be so shit] Bea: [drinks would be cheap-ish at least] Fraze: [yeah that's always the one good thing even if they taste like shit as a result these two ain't me so they ain't gonna be fussed] Bea: [and if you gotta be here and interrupted, like] Fraze: [exactly you know he'd go straight to get many drinks that they both need] Bea: [shots shots shots] Fraze: [needs must] Bea: [get a booth you posh boys] Fraze: [gotta have at least one use thank you] Bea: [cosy cosy everyone] Fraze: [how awkward I could not] Bea: [like hey kate hey ollie] Fraze: [shamelessly talking to the others and not him or her god bless you boy] Bea: [she'd notice 'cos both as extra as each other and shamelessly appreciate it like] Fraze: [and of course going up the bar again even though it ain't his turn just so he can leave the booth for a hot sec] Bea: [when you get up like you're gonna help but then you make your way to the dancefloor] Fraze: [we all know he's shamelessly looking at her along with many other peeps] Bea: [enjoy this glimpse of messiness lads] Fraze: [when you're torn cos on the one hand you wanna go get her and be like don't but on the other hand you wanna let her do her thing because it's a mood oh boy what are you gonna do] Bea: [at least nothing too outrageous is happening, just being perved on lowkey] Fraze: [she's used to that and worse but don't think about it] Bea: [she's only checking he's watching lbr fuck the lot of yas] Fraze: [oh girl you know he couldn't look away if he wanted to and he doesn't want to anyway so] Bea: [hop off to the bathroom honey] Fraze: [when you wanna follow her but what she said earlier is true] Bea: [don't worry, I has a reason lol] Bea: you wanna come get a line Fraze: Thought you'd never ask Bea: you didn't know I had any Fraze: It's term time, of course you do Bea: Not for long, babe Fraze: [shows up to your function]

[sigurdjarlson]

So, coz I never get tired of this (and because I'm trying to distract myself from being hellishly hungover): What would the Wintermoon girls be like as villains? Say they joined Aszhara, or Elisande, rather than making their own way?

Ooooh interesting question. 

This got extremely long and borders on being a goddamn character analysis essay I’m so sorry

I hope you feel better soon though. Hangovers are hell.

edit: (OOOF  forgot the read more. Sorry to anyone who had this monster of a post take up their dash for a minute there)

Any villain Diily AU I have tends to be one where she loses Alaluria and Ladelia in a very traumatic way and just kind of..snaps. Or rather doesn’t give a fuck about anything but getting vengeance.

Completely disillusioned with everyone, heroes, villains, she doesn’t care. Get in her way and you’re cat food.

A lot of things that make her..her? Would be gone. Compassion being the most notable missing trait. It’s switched off and twisted into something much worse.

I think..cold. She’s all rage but it’s a quiet and cold rage. Calculating. Patient. Ruthless. She’s a huntress after all and she is just..hunting a different kind of prey now.

And honestly cruel because why should she continue to be kind when the world never was to them? Why should she keep giving when all fate seems to do is take and take from her until there’s nothing left.

She’s putting all that pain and rage onto her victims and it makes for..very brutal deaths. Because they deserve it, don’t they? They’re all monsters. All of them. Look what they did. Even those who had nothing to do with it?

The world is cruel so she will be too. She tried being good once and look where that got her.

Such a huge part of her identity is being that sister figure to Alaluria and Ladelia. Her life has been dedicated to protecting them for 10,000 years. And naturally that inherent kindness and compassion extends to the rest of the world too.

They’ve all got some..hm..codependency issues that have been getting better as they get older and branch out, spend time with other people but they do still exist. Ironically I’d actually say Diily has it the worst there. It’s part why her and Alaluria clashed so much. It didn’t mesh well with Alaluria’s own deep rooted issues.

And WERE ABOUT TO GET REAL DEEP INTO THEIR PSYCH because it plays a huge part in how something like this could so drastically change her

GODDDD my Diily. She’s such a mess and full of good intentions that sadly don’t always have the best results. And the saddest thing about her is that she was just as much of a traumatized, terrified child as the other two when they lost their parents.

And she was thrust into that mother role which she was of course not emotionally or mentally prepared to take. She herself is deeply traumatized and trying to cope but none of them know how.

She does know she loves them though. And so, she throws herself in that role completely. They’re her world okay. She loves them more than life itself. I can’t stress that enough.

And another thing that breaks my heart is that in becoming what is essentially their mother as a young pre-teen she gave up everything. None of them had a typical upbringing and a typical adolescence but Diily really had none of that.

She’ll starve herself before she let them go hungry (she’s done it before). She’ll sell her body before she lets them freeze or succumb to illness. (And god she wasn’t ready for that. Not at all. My poor girl.)

She’d tear her own heart from her chest herself if it meant theirs kept beating.

She gives and gives and it leaves her very empty. This doesn’t only stretch to her sisters. She’s very much..a caretaker? But she doesn’t really know how to balance that with taking care of herself. So, she lets them fall or the side because in her eyes? She’s completely unimportant in comparison.

She never got to be a teenager. None of them did but she lost her innocence in ways that she bent over backwards to protect them from.

The worst part she’ll never think she’s done enough. She’s proud of the people her sisters have become but she feels she’s failed them. They didn’t have a normal childhood. They saw and did things no child should have to see and do. (Even while she got the worst of it)

In my eyes, she’s far from perfect but here she did the best she could.  (and someone truly needs to tell her that ugh 3)

They’ve been hurt and she takes them being hurt as a personal failure. Rationally she cannot keep them safe from everything but she blames herself every time. She’s her big sister after all. She’s supposed to protect them.

And that has resulted in well intentioned but ultimately unhealthy patterns of behavior such as her occasionally being overprotective or overbearing. (As she gets older she does get way better about this but there were times as a teenager she naturally had no idea how to deal with Alaluria’s confusing outbursts of rage and Ladelia’s complete dependence on her. And it did result in her trying to protect them in ways that came out more controlling then anything because she’s not an adult she’s just a kid and she has no idea how to be a mother. That and she’s their sister not their mother and it creates really confusing dynamics when Diily tries to tell Alaluria what to do for example. They will never see her as a mother figure. So..there’s some clashing there if that makes sense.

Alaluria saw her overbearing/overprotectiveness as a need to control and it clashed completely with her independent nature. She lashed out. She left. (While simultaneously craving and needing that love and affection and it used to frustrate Diily so much because she didn’t understand. Alaluria unsurprisingly couldn’t articulate what she needed (what child can?) and Diily couldn’t give her what she needed. (She’d never be able to give her everything no matter how much she tries.)

God and you know I can see the rift deepening because Alaluria keeps lashing out and driving her away and simultaneously is hurt when Diily reacts accordingly because Diily doesn’t understand why she’s acting that way. She’s a child herself so her own stubbornness and temper make her snap back which only worsens the situation.

And it results in Alaluria acting out more because Diily is naturally going to well withdraw (and probably pay more attention to Ladelia as a result which wasn’t purposeful or spiteful but its natural she’s put her energy into the sister who doesn’t keep purposefully hurting her) but whatever she does it doesn’t get her the reaction she wants.

(Alaluria doesn’t know what she want. My beautiful ball of contradictions)

Alaluria flip flops badly when it comes to affection. She craves it but will reject it when it comes her way. It’s why she sometimes reacts positively to her sisters being affectionate and other times she lashes out or pulls away. It seems like a contradiction because it is.

And you know I can’t blame either of them. It was just such a clash of personalities and most of all…shitty circumstances. And it’s the fact that they were just kids. Maybe not when Alaluria left but emotionally they’re all kind/of fucked up so it really doesn’t matter.

And on a more personal level Diily doesn’t like herself. Frankly she hates herself. Her self worth is very much dependent on her role as a caretaker and protector. Sadly? The truth of it all is that you can’t be a perfect caretaker. You can’t protect everyone from everything. And it’s something she still struggles to learn. (See: her devastation at what happened to Teldrassil and desperation to make it right) there are other reasons for it too.

Shes..got this need to be seen as strong and put together. (Which is why I enjoy taking her apart so much I think). She wants people to be able to trust and rely on her and her eyes she needs to be strong for them.

Her pain, her needs get shoved down.

She doesn’t think about. She doesn’t want to. So she focuses on others.

And really? All her personal baggage? She doesn’t know how to deal with any of it. None of them have exactly learned healthy coping mechanisms lmao.

She was a scared, hurt little girl who was forced into becoming a mother by horrible circumstance and saw and did things no child should ever have to see and do.

And she’s been trying to pretend she has it together for a very, very long time.

But she has no idea what she’s doing. She was (and still is) just as lost and scared as her sisters but she saw that they needed her and stepped up in a way..she never should have had to.

Kids are supposed to be selfish and immature. It’s a give in. It’s a part of growing up and something they’re taught to grow out of. They’re not supposed to do the things she had to do to keep them alive or give up the things she did.

What else could she do after all? They needed her. There was no other choice,

So what’s the point of the character analysis? I wanted to talk about my girls and got extremely carried away. Losing them would devastate her completely. So much of her would just..shatter. And if the circumstances are right enough it could make her snap in a way that’s really..not a pretty sight at all

She doesn’t have it together. She doesn’t know what to do with these extreme emotions. She doesn’t know what to do without someone to take care of. She doesn’t know what to with without them.

The only beings I can see her not being indifferent to is Wildheart and Brightheart of course. She loves them as loyally and unconditionally as she does her sisters. They’re family

She’s willing to do anything to get her revenge because that’s all that matters to her. The world is as dead to her as they are. Or rather..she’ll make it so it is.

-cough-

Alaluria being the most morally dubious of the three is a bit easier to figure out. It could’ve a similar situation to the above or one where the fel madness takes over. Or both.

If you want the cruelest version of her it would be the last option. Hm..Alaluria is already cynical and disillusioned with the world. Where Ladelia and Diily try to find the good she just sees the bad.

Ex; She’s distrustful while Ladelia is too trusting. Diily throws herself into helping others. Alaluria does the same but does it mainly by fighting rather than the loving, soft way Diily cares for others.

She is not bad in canon though. So let’s talk about my canon girl real quick the same way we did with Dil. 

And her repressed rage issues do come from the frankly massive amounts of trauma the three of them have been through. Rage that completely stems from pain. Diily internalizes her pain mostly. Alaluria takes it out on those she deems guilty. And she’s willing to do ruthless things to achieve a greater good. Her and Illidonk has that in common.

(She was honestly a happy child before everything. She’s always had a bit of a temper but so do Diily and Ladelia lmao. It’s just..a little harder to push them to their breaking points. Unless you know where to hit them.

And what really, really killed any idealism still clinging to her?

The Illidari. Illidan. That whole shebang.

She was still..there was a still a bit of that bright eyed brave little girl in her that wanted to save the world and make it a you know..not shitty place..and that was smashed to pieces when she really saw the reality of things.

Illidan has a part to play in that but no more than the entirety of the situation. Diily blames him for it. I don’t think it’s necessarily fair to blame him too much as she made her own choice to join them and stay.

And sometimes there are glimpses of that little girl, mostly with her sisters. When she’s laughing with them or finds joy in something innocent like a saber cub batting at her tail or finding a really cool gem. (I almost said rock because that makes it sound really funny. “Wow look at this rock I found” “that’s great alaluria”)

Anyway, my point. She’s a deeply troubled woman with barely repressed rage issues and it comes from deep trauma and an all consuming pain and complete and utter disillusionment with the world..yet is she really? She’s still fighting for it. There’s some part of her that holds onto hope that it can be better.

But she’s also managed to stay a..mostly decent person. She doesn’t hurt innocents normally. She has but she feels genuine guilt for it. She might growl and grumble but she does help others. It gives her a sense of purpose that has recently been shaken with the destruction of the Legion. She feels..good. Like she’s doing something good.

The whole point of joining the Illidari was to help everyone. To help fix what she saw as the biggest problem. 

She’s not the monster she thinks she is. She’s just a scared, hurting little girl in a woman’s body. 

And yes, she left Diily and Ladelia but that separation (even though she did it willingly) was very traumatic and devastating for her. She was suddenly on her own for the first time in her life and more or less thrown into a den of wolves. (it says a lot about her that she came out leading the whole pack so to speak. :’) my girls are so strong I love them..why am i so mean to them)

And I think knowing Diily and Ladelia were out there even when not being with them is something entirely different from them being dead.

There was always the chance they would reconcile and I think maybe on a more unconscious level..she always thought/knew they would reconcile. It was something inevitable in her mind. She couldn’t imagine anything else.

I can see her always having this belief that after everything was done. After the Legion was defeated she would be able to see them again. And she’d say it was just to shove it in their faces that she was right but..

The world she so viciously determined to protect? She’s always been very aware they’re a part of it too. Even while she “hated” them she was trying to protect them.

So, I think losing them. Especially after reuniting with them (but even during the separation) would be especially devastating. Another thing ripped from her. More proof there’s nothing good at all in the world.

And you know she idealizes them to some degree. She sees Diily and Ladelia as inherently good and herself as bad. (Regardless of how they try to convince her otherwise)

And so she’s just full of rage because it should have been her? There’s no fairness, no sense of justice in this universe if they die and not her because they were good and kind and she’s a monster.

And they were her sisters. And she doesn’t know what to do, how to function in a world where there’s no hope of ever seeing them again.

And now she doesn’t have any fucks to give.

And an Alaluria with no moral compass is a terrifying Alaluria.

Also it would be extremely easy for the demon creeping around in her head/soul to take advantage of that completely and twist her into the perfect weapon. The weapon part.. It’s kind of what Illidan did but he did it for the purpose of destroying the legion which as an idea is a good thing but we all know his methods and morals are questionable at best (*blows a kiss towards Illidan Stormrage* love ya, you bastard)

A villain!Alaluria would be absolutely ruthless. Full of completely unleashed rage and pain. The world wants to hurt her? She’ll hurt it right back. She’ll make the whole damn thing burn.

The worst part is in this au though?

She becomes what she hates most.

As for Ladelia.

She’s the most innocent of the three. The most idealistic. Diily is kind but she’s also usually rather realistic. Ladelia is a dreamer.

A lot of this comes from Diily trying very hard to shelter her and Alaluria from the brutal reality of the world (this isn’t something she could ever do of course but she did try)

But she succeeded more with Ladelia. Alaluria lashed out where Ladelia clung to Diily. Ladelia was younger than either of them when they lost their parents. She doesn’t have the vivid memories that keep Diily and Alaluria up at night. She remembers bits and pieces but not as much.

And being the baby sister and the sister that was not only tolerant of Diily’s overbearing nature but needed it she was coddled more? Alaluria wouldn’t let herself be coddled. Ladelia needed it. She needed love and Diily is just so full of love.

(Diily never intended to create a rift between her two little sisters but she did and it still shows even now sometimes. Especially because Ladelia has been by Diily’s side when Alaluria wasn’t. That’s not a judgement on her though (it sounded too aggressive) it’s just that Alaluria feels..well, she feels left out when they talk about their adventures or they share an inside joke that she doesn’t understand. It’s a natural feeling and it makes my heart hurt for her. (They don’t mean to hurt her)

I wouldn’t call Ladelia spoiled necessarily but she is babied by Diily (and despite their differences and one sided rivalry Alaluria does baby her too..in her own way) It’s easy to see that whenever she’s in trouble she turns tail and runs to Diily. (And Maybe Alaluria resents that it’s never her that her baby sister runs too. God they’re all so complicated)

She’s become far more independent over the years but she still tends to lean very heavily on Diily which is only natural. And Diily wouldn’t dream of turning her baby sister away but she learned from Alaluria it’s important to encourage their independence instead of try to control it.

But codependency issues aside. Ladelia is a genuinely good and kind person. She has a lot of Diily’s compassion and tends to be more of a dreamer than either of them. It’s why she fell so hard for Jaina (and she hurt so much for her when Jaina lost that)

But she does have a temper. Her chosen element of choice is fire after all. (This says so much about her but I’ll tape down that essay for now. It’s especially notable when you compare her to her sisters who are not fond of fire at all and Teldrassil cemented that for them lmao) She’s..the most immature of the three. More impulsive and she wears her feelings on her sleeve unlike Diily and Alaluria. Ugh I don’t want to make her sound “weak” because she’s anything but. She’s endured horrible shit and still come out good and..soft. that’s..that’s not nothing :’)

But Diily is..generally reserved with strangers. Not aggressive or rude but she isn’t going to let them see her at anything but her best.

Ladelia an adult don’t get me wrong but she is more..immature than them? I’m not sure that’s the right word. Don’t get me wrong she has had the idealism dampened over the years by the things she’s been forced to see and do. War has a way of doing that.

But she clings to this belief that people must be mostly inherently good..because she needs to believe that. 

There’s a deep sadness in her just like the other two but it manifests a bit differently.

A lot of her sadness is aimed at the world as a general thing rather than any specific entity? Diily and Alaluria hate, hate, hate the Legion and focus their rage on them. Now it’s shifted to Sylvanas and Azshara (although Azshara’s part in the Legion nonsense is something they very much are aware of and hate her for)

Ladelia does too but she doesn’t have the memories they do. Her memory is foggy (probably her mind protecting itself really) 

She doesn’t understand why people do such horrible things. She doesn’t know why bad things happen to good people. And she hates that she can’t save everyone. (You’ll see that with both her and Diily)

But a villain Ladelia??

That would be someone who kills in the name of what they believe is good but I could see her sense of good being twisted if she lost Diily and Alaluria. Especially if in her grief someone like Azshara latched onto her.

She’d be very easily to manipulate in that sense.

And she is a very powerful mage. It’s something she is very proud of. Like Jaina she’s so hungry for knowledge. I think part of her thinks maybe if she understands the universe..she can “fix” it? She just has to understand first.

And that creates someone who absolutely excels in a field like magic. She’s very determined, she’s as stubborn as Diily and Alaluria are (it’s a family trait clearly) And she pushes and pulls and picks apart the mysteries of the universe and deep down a part of her just wants to understand so she can help.

And it’s just a desire to understand. She feels better when she understands things. Things aren’t as scary when you understand them after all.

She was an unbearably curious child and still has that curiosity. It’s something Diily has managed to keep alive in her.

She’s ambitious in the sense she’s always reaching for new heights in terms of skill. She takes great pride in her skill at magic. I could see that being a bad thing in certain circumstances. “Knowledge is power..but using it wisely is the key.” “control your power..or it will control you.” etc. So a villain Ladelia might have magic as a corrupting influence rather than a positive one like in..”canon”

So a villain Ladelia to me is one who has become disillusioned with the concept of good. Or maybe one who just has a twisted idea or what is good. She’s passionate and so adamant what she’s doing is right and that? Those kinds of people are some of the most dangerous. Think..Jaina snapping and trying to  murder the entirety of Ogrimmar.

It’s the right thing to do? ..right? It has to be because she doesn’t know what to do if it’s not. And maybe she’s just full of rage and wants to take it out on those who are “bad” in her eyes.

But whether or not those people are truly bad..well, that’s almost always subjective isn’t it?

And maybe part of villain Ladelia knows that.

She just pretends she doesn’t.

She’s good at pretending.

——

NOW for the grand finale which is all three of them as villains together.

I’m wondering what could push them towards something so drastic. Typically it’s the death of the others that is the major catalyst in those au’s so.. (h

I think it would have to be an AU where they’re taken in by some sort of villain and manipulated.

Someone who pretends to love them and these three terrified, affection starved children eat up whatever parental attention they can get unaware they’re being manipulated.

It would have to be someone who can prey on all their individual weaknesses and bring out their best traits and then completely turn them on their head. Twist it for a bad purpose.

Diily’s capacity for unconditional love . Alaluria’s desire for revenge. Ladelia’s idealism and ambition.

I wonder if Azshara could be that person but it would have had to be when they were younger so it would have to be a pretty drastic au. They place a heavy amount of blame on her for the Legion shit. But if they were young she could probably twist it in her favor.

Maybe an old god of some sorts? (Oh dear that’s a scary thought)

I can see the Legion doing the same but through cruelty rather than faux kindness: I think it would be near impossible to make Diily and Alaluria loyal to the Legion after what they did to their home and family.

Ladelia is more..vulnerable to manipulation than them though.

BUT their captor would honestly have to be very good at psychological manipulation.

Using them against one another would be..horrifically successful. It could really work on Diily for example. It’s a very visible and glaring weakness and if someone took advantage of that. You could get her to do anything if you put them up as bargaining chips.

Hilariously I think their…hmmm captor would end up dead with that kind of behavior though. She won’t tolerate them being hurt and vice versa.

Lmao they just completely usurp their captor and..sadly take their role as villain however because it’s what they’ve been taught and groomed for.

Alaluria in particular would be willing if they really played with her arrogance and ambition. The demon in her head tries (and mostly fails since she’s very strong willed) to do that. You can do it better..just get him out of the way..you taught me to be ruthless after all. 

(makes me wonder about an AU where she comes to hate and resent Illidan instead of admire and love him)

Ladelia is the most hungry for love. That’s something you could use against her if you’re an absolutely abhorrent person. She’d want to make their “parental” figure proud and please them so they love her.

Ah it just depends on the captor’s methods. Are they cruel? Are they “kind” to them? You could inspire loyalty and love from them or…hatred and ruthlessness but the latter wouldn’t end in their captor’s favor. However if they went the kindness route they would have three girls absolutely willing to do whatever they wanted.

You know if they wanted to take advantage of three traumatized children (who all have so much potential) and turn them into weapons instead of the people they are in canon (I feel weird calling it canon since obviously ocs aren’t necessarily canon to WoW lore but- nevermind. it doesn’t matter. My canon for them) because my canon girls are deeply flawed who make mistakes but are mostly good people who just want to help and take care of each other okay. 

They have a creator who’s very mean to them

I will say I don’t envy the au where the three of them are villains (or separately but especially together). 

[skeletonscribbles]

I'M SO GREEDY, I WANNA REQUEST SO MANY. Reddie #11, or #9. Whichever you prefer. :D

I will fill ANY request for you, my beautiful friend. You’re never greedy - just say the word.

I got another request for #9, so this one is straight #11 - “you owe me a kiss” ;)(the rest of the prompts are here in case anyone is wondering/has a request)

I call her: not just a river in egypt…and here she is

I’m not like that.

Those four words had become the mantra of Richie Tozier’s high school experience.

I’m not like that.

His parents wanted him to go to college. Wentworth was specifically interested - seemed to think that Richie was similar enough to him that dentistry was on the table as a potential career option for his son.

Dentistry was NOT on the table - or in the kitchen, or even in the basement of Richie’s mind. No career was, really. All he wanted to do was tell jokes and listen to the radio. There wasn’t a major for that, or even a school, in spite of the fact that his grades were pretty uniformly excellent.

I’m not like that.

Even shittier than Went’s dentistry bid was the fact that because he was decent at school, his teachers kept trying to nominate him for stuff, or pull him aside and lecture him on his potential. Mrs. Campanella, his English language and literature teacher, told him that his essays were good enough to submit for scholarships or other prizes, and Mr. Browne, his chemistry teacher, wanted him to join the track team to get him to, quote unquote, let some excess energy out instead of bringing it all to class. Richie had thanked Mr. Browne, given him two middle fingers, and then skipped his class for the next week and a half. He still had a 96 average for the quarter, and a 98 for the year.

I’m not like that.

Finally, and maybe most importantly, there was the tiny, miniscule, all-encompassing matter of his love-life.

Well, actually, it was more of a “lack thereof” situation. Richie hadn’t had a crush on a girl since the middle of ninth-grade, and it was freaking him the fuck out.

For the first four months of his high school existence, he’d been completely, utterly, and irrevocably in love with Brenda Arrowsmith. She was the sun, the moon, the stars, and most notably, the girl in their grade whose tits had developed first. It was only natural that Richie’s feelings would follow.

After the six-thousandth time that Brenda rejected his attempts to talk to her in the hallways before school (or at lunch, or in study hall), though, he figured that the tits weren’t worth it. He didn’t really know her anyway, he reasoned. She was probably a bitch, or she didn’t brush her teeth…or both, or some other gross thing, who was to say. It took him a couple of months, but by February, he was good and over Brenda - and if he still stopped to check her out every once in a while, it was out of artistic appreciation, nothing more.

After that, he’d elected to spend most of his time with his friends, because he knew them, he loved them, and they were more than enough to occupy his interest until (he figured) the next girl came along.

He hadn’t banked on the next girl taking so long. It was more than two years later now, and the fabled next girl still had yet to show. It was enough to make any man a little desperate, and Richie was no exception to that rule - his poor hormones were being neglected entirely.

It stood to reason, then, that the current confusion was probably hormonal payback for the last two years of dry spell. (That was what Richie was adamantly trying to tell himself, anyway.)

It was late June, and junior year had just wrapped up. The Losers had long since completed their second-to-last school supply dumping, complete with a run-in with Belch Huggins, and had moved on to their usual summer routines: either crashing at the Hanscoms’, cruising through downtown Derry and complaining about having nothing to do, or laying out in the sunshine at the quarry. Today had been a long day of quarry-ing, and Richie knew for a fact that he was sunburnt as shit. His body was already starting that hot-cold weirdness that happened whenever he forgot to reapply sunscreen at least eight times.

He’d been a little too distracted to care about his skin.

They’d all been swimming in their underwear for years - since they were kids, they’d foregone bathing suits in favor of whatever it was they had under their clothes at the time. It used to be a matter of not knowing when they were going to make the trek down to the quarry, but now it was a collective courtesy to Ben, whose mother couldn’t afford to get him a suit that fit. They never talked about it, they just dutifully peeled off their clothes whenever they were headed for the water.

Richie had looked idly down the row of his friends before they launched themselves over the cliff, expecting the same boring mix of solid colored boxers and briefs, but had instead been hit straight-on with a startling sight, which cued up a startling remembrance.

Eddie’s mom didn’t know what size he was anymore.

Eddie had never been allowed to shop for his own clothes, and wouldn’t, ever, so long as he lived in Sonia’s house. The poor boy had been pleading with Richie to consider going to college with him for almost the entirety of junior year, because he desperately needed to escape from under his mother’s thumb and he didn’t want to do it alone. “Please, Rich,” he’d begged, “she doesn’t even know that I’ve grown three inches up and one out this year, and now all my pants are too small…”

He was right about that, and Richie had spent the last few months teasing him about seeing his ankles…but now that it was evident that Eddie’s pants weren’t the only articles of clothing that were too small on him, Richie, for once in his life, had no joke for the situation. Eddie’s briefs were tight - the waistband was cinched almost uncomfortably around his stomach, and the rest left very little to the imagination. It was nothing Richie hadn’t seen before, but for some reason, he couldn’t tear his eyes from where the faded fabric was stretched taut against….against….

No. No way. He wasn’t LIKE that.

Before he had time to thoroughly beat himself up for the thoughts he was having, he’d been shoved into the water by the quick hands of Stanley Uris, who tacked on a “Think fast!” about thirty seconds too late. The cold water did nothing to shock Richie out of his dilemma, and when he surfaced, spluttering, he’d felt a little bit like he was still drowning…only, different.

The rest of the day had been full of similar little moments - Eddie in the sunshine, glowing in the light, Eddie laughing at something Mike said (why Mike and not ME, Richie’s traitorous brain screamed), the softness of Eddie’s voice when he gently reminded Richie to reapply sunscreen on his shoulders, the care that Eddie took with each of his friends.

I’m not like that, I’m not like that, I’m not LIKE that–

“Richie?” Ben was standing over him, frowning at his shoulders with obvious concern. “You okay? You’ve been quiet…and I don’t know if anyone told you, but you’re starting to–”

“Beyond starting to burn, Benny boy,” Richie confirmed miserably. “Gonna be a regular Maine steamed lobster for the next few days. I’ll be by in the morning to wrap myself in blankets and hide myself on your couch while the rest of you watch An Officer and a Gentleman a-fucking-gain…”

“Bev’s coming, you ass,” Ben reminded him, nudging him a little with his foot. “She hasn’t seen it yet - and it’s one of my favorites.”

Richie rolled his eyes. “Sap.”

“Don’t blame me for your lack of taste,” Ben tutted, shaking his head. “I asked if everything was okay.”

Ben punctuated his question by looking over at where Eddie was examining rocks with Bill, Mike, and Stan, and oh, fuck no. Sometimes Ben’s all-knowing attitude towards the relationship dynamics of their group was awesome…and sometimes it was actually the worst.

“I’m great,” Richie said loudly, glaring furiously up at Ben. “Hungry as fuck, though. I’ll kiss the next person that offers me a bite to eat, I swear to fucking–”

The corners of Ben’s mouth twisted up into a strange smile, and Richie was seized with cold fear. He had a feeling he knew what Ben was thinking about doing, and he almost couldn’t believe it. Such behavior was beneath Ben, surely - Stan or Bill would have done it without hesitation, but Ben wouldn’t betray him, right?

“Hey, Eddie,” Ben called, and Eddie looked up from his rocks, frowning over at Ben and Richie. “You packed snacks, right?”

“My mom shoved a bunch of Hostess food at me before I left the house, yeah,” Eddie confirmed. “Said she didn’t want it in the house any more. She’s all mad at herself because she binged a whole box of Ring Dings yesterday. Why, you hungry?”

Ben looked down at Richie, looking a little guilty, but mostly bemused, and Richie wasn’t sure if he’d ever felt so betrayed before in his life.

“I’ll kill you, Hanscom,” he whispered, eyes glued to Eddie as Eddie’s feet began to move in their direction.

“Not me,” Ben responded to Eddie, and then smiled and backed up a little bit. Eddie’s eyes flickered from Ben to Richie, and Richie could almost see the panic make its way across Eddie’s face like an ocean wave when he took in the condition of Richie’s chest and shoulders.

“Oh, Richie, you’re burnt! Here, I have lotion in my bag…and snacks, too, if you want. You like Twinkies, right?”

Eddie quickly grabbed his bag from off of his towel and began rifling through it, and Richie tried and failed to keep his eyes away from the flex of Eddie’s thighs as he bent over. Ben had disappeared, presumably while Richie’s eyes and mind were occupied by Eddie’s fussing, and Richie found himself kind of impressed with the whole situation in spite of himself. Ben was a lot more crafty than Richie had given him credit for, it seemed.

“Here.” Eddie finally located what he was looking for and tossed it at Richie’s feet. Richie picked up Eddie’s tub of aloe tenuously and opened it, swiping his fingers through the slimy substance and quietly smearing it along his collarbones. He ignored the Twinkies that Eddie had also tossed over entirely, even though his stomach was practically screaming for them.

“Thanks,” Richie said quietly, not looking at Eddie. He couldn’t look at Eddie any more today, because if he did, admissions would have to be made, and there was no fucking way that was going to happen. He wasn’t like that.

“Richie!” Stan and Bill were making their way back over, with Mike and Ben in tow. Richie had literally no idea what magic Ben had performed to teleport himself back there, but it didn’t matter now, because Richie had bigger things to contend with - namely, a very smug Stanley Uris, whose voice was dripping with glee as he asked, “Is it true that you told Ben you’d kiss the next person that fed you?”

Eddie’s sharp inhale was almost painfully audible, and Richie winced when he saw Eddie’s face turn an embarrassed red out of the corner of his eye.

“I couldn’t do that to Eds,” Richie said quickly, trying to sound more lighthearted than he was actually feeling. “He’d probably catch something from me, given that he tells me every day that I’m filthy and disease-riddled. Also, this mouth is the property of Sonia K., and I really couldn’t betray her like this - not with her own son…”

Eddie, surprisingly, didn’t try and stop Richie’s tirade or chastise Richie for being vulgar. Instead, he crossed his arms over his chest slowly, taking a deep breath like he was trying to stabilize himself without his inhaler. Richie chanced a glance at Eddie’s face, and felt his heart stutter at the sight - the poor boy was clearly trying to bury a response, but his eyes betrayed him. They were glassy and squinted, almost as if….as if….

No. Eddie wasn’t like that either. Was he…?

“It’s time to go home, right?” Eddie asked suddenly, voice disarmingly shaky. “We should go? Stan, do you have–”

“Already on it,” Stan said quickly, looking surprisingly remorseful. He gave Mike a meaningful look, and Mike shook his head, raised his eyebrows at Richie, and then turned his attention back towards Stan.

“You get the bag, I’ll get the towels?”

“Sounds great,” said Stan, and the two of them went to collect belongings, with Eddie anxiously scuttling along after them.

Richie was left to be stared down by Bill and Ben, who were both looking at him like he’d embarrassed them. He’d been on the receiving end of this look a zillion times, but for whatever reason, this time felt different, and Richie found himself wanting to look away.

Bill seemed to speak for both of them when he said, “Grow up, Ruh-Richie.”

Richie didn’t respond, because he couldn’t. He couldn’t grow up. Growing up meant accepting responsibility for things, and there were certain things that he had absolutely no intention of coming to terms with.

“It’s okay,” Ben told him kindly.

It wasn’t okay. He wasn’t like that.

That said, the less they knew, the better things would be for him…so….

“Let’s go get dinner,” he said, effectively closing the conversation.

–

27 years later, Richie still had yet to take Bill’s advice.

Six out of seven of them were back in Derry for the Losers Club reunion that none of them actually wanted to attend. It was a different six than it had been that day in the quarry - they had Beverly, this time, and Stan had been lost along the wayside (Richie didn’t want to call it what it was yet; he wasn’t ready), but the energy was not at all dissimilar to that particular summer day in June.

Well, actually, the interdimensional demon part was putting something of a damper on things, but that being what it was, the vibe was close enough.

In fact, if Richie closed his eyes and let his imagination take over, it was all too easy to slip back into being sixteen again. The wind against the tall grass of the Barrens made a very specific sound, and that partnered with the bossy tirade that Bill was currently on gave the whole scenario an early 1990s vibe that was making Richie feel…nervous, for some reason.

No. Not just some reason. His heart wasn’t hammering outrageously against his chest for just some reason.

When he opened his eyes, Eddie Kaspbrak was looking back at him, and the familiar gaze was like an electric shock to Richie’s system.

Fuck. He’d spent his entire adult life trying to convince himself he was a certain way, and all it had taken Eddie to undo years and years’ worth of progress was a single glance.

I’m not like that.

No, no, no. He knew better than that now - knew better than to deny what was unmistakably there, at least to himself.

Out loud, however…well, the possibilities for what he could say out loud were endless.

“–split up,” Bill was saying, voice firmer and more confident than it had ever been in his youth. The stutter was mostly gone, now, and Bill claimed that it was completely gone outside of Derry. Richie looked forward to testing whether or not that was true after everything they had to do in Derry was said and done…if there was an after, anyway. (Again, Richie wasn’t much for dwelling on the nasty parts of things. He’d think about it later. Only actions in the now.) “Me and Mike, Ben and B-Bev, Richie and Eddie? Just to see. Report b-back in an hour.”

“Can do, boss,” Ben said, looking not-so-secretly thrilled to have a moment with Beverly, who was smiling over at him with undisguised fondness.

“Richie? Eddie?” Bill looked between the two of them, seemingly trying to assess the situation he’d created. “All right?”

Richie looked at Eddie in the sunlight - his hair was haloed in it to the point where it almost looked angelically blonde - and swallowed his fear as best he could.

“We’ll be good,” Richie promised, avoiding everyone’s eyes and stuffing his hands in his pockets.

“Yeah,” Eddie said softly, “that’ll probably work out just fine. What time do you want us back?”

“Two,” Bill repeated. “Good luck.” He turned on his heel and walked off after Mike, and Richie and Eddie were left alone together.

This was going to be absolutely unbearable. Richie was struck by a sudden memory - a conversation he’d had with Bill and Ben about growing up - and wished in that moment that he never had. He had been right - adulthood had provided him with realizations he didn’t want and accompanying responsibilities, and he wished he’d had the option to opt out of the whole thing. It didn’t seem worth it.

Better, he thought as Eddie walked towards him, all nerves and sharp angles and sweetness, to remain in that childhood denial than to face the reality of what lay thick in the air between the two of them.

“You ready to go, Spaghetti?” Richie asked, feeling the old name slip though his lips before he’d even really remembered it.

Eddie stared back at him, lips drawn into a tight line. “No nicknames.”

“No promises on that,” Richie said, not trusting himself to keep ‘Eds’ and ‘Spaghetti’ out of his mouth. “Any place in particular that you think is worth exploring?”

Eddie thought for a moment. “The quarry.”

That hadn’t been what Richie was expecting. He cocked an eyebrow in surprise. “You saw the demon thing at the quarry?”

“No, never,” Eddie said, finally allowing his face to relax - and was that the ghost of a smile threatening to make its way across his face? “That’s why I want to go.”

Richie’s loud laughter was surprising even to himself, but he found himself grateful for it as it overtook him. All of the nerves and craziness that had built up over the past few days were pouring out of him, and Eddie could feel it, too - after a moment, he joined Richie in laughing, and then neither of them could stop. It was the end of everything, and they were locked in hysterical laughter, too paralyzed by it to move.

Finally, Richie took a deep breath and collected himself. “I don’t know if I can go to the quarry. I don’t have sunscreen.”

“Yeah, you’ll burn in no time,” Eddie agreed, voice still wobbly from laughter. “Granted, it helps that you’re not in your underwear.”

“That can change,” Richie said, mouth too far ahead of his mind for him to come to terms with the implications of his taunt. In fact, he didn’t really realize exactly what he’d said until Eddie flushed crimson, and then the mood was back to the pre-laugh tension and fuck, he usually had a better handle on himself, didn’t he? What was it about Derry, Maine that broke all his filters?

Before he could apologize, though, Eddie pressed on. “Remember the summer before senior year?” he asked, threading his fingers together in a way that Richie vaguely remembered meant that he was nervous.

Richie swallowed hard. “I mean, not very well, what with the supernatural amnesia and all.”

“You’ll remember this day,” Eddie said, and Richie immediately knew the day that he was referring to - he’d been thinking about it ever since Mike had led them down towards this part of town. “It was a weird day for you. You were all in your own head, and you ignored all the times I told you to put sunscreen on so you got stupid burnt and had to stay inside for a week afterwards.”

Adolescent guilt and shame came flooding through Richie like a monsoon - all of the stupid feelings, all of the frantic denial was right there at the surface of his consciousness. Eddie had to be able to sense it - but he was showing no signs of being cued-in to Richie’s tangle of feelings. He just stood, tired and nervous and beautiful, and waited for Richie to respond.

“You gave me a Twinkie,” Richie finally offered, because it was all he could think of to say.

“You owe me a kiss,” Eddie replied quickly, as if afraid the words would dry up in his mouth if he didn’t get them out fast enough.

They stared at each other in terror for a few seconds, and it was enough to make Richie wonder if maybe this version of Eddie in front of him was actually the fucking clown, taking Eddie’s form to make Richie remember all of the ways that he was secretly weak.

“I didn’t think you wanted one,” he said carefully, watching Eddie’s face to gauge his reaction and hoping he wasn’t playing Russian roulette with his own life.

“I…” Eddie tried, screwing his eyes shut to try and put his thoughts together. “It’s not about what I want.” He pointed to his head, tapping at his temple. “It’s about what I want.” He then moved his hand down to rest right over his heart, and Richie felt that sunburn feeling again - hot and cold, all at once.

Richie stepped forward, staring down at the new lines of Eddie’s face and wanting desperately to memorize them all - to not forget that he was like this, that he was capable of this kind of love.

If this was the clown’s way of trapping him, then so be it. Richie would happily die for this.

“Are you ready?” Richie asked, and Eddie blinked once, twice, three times back up at him. He’d obviously not been sure as to whether or not Richie would seriously consider his offer.

“No,” Eddie said honestly. “But please do it anyway.”

Before he could change his mind, Richie closed the distance between himself and Eddie, took Eddie’s face in his hands, and captured his lips in a gentle kiss.

He understood now, 27 fucking years later, why he hadn’t crushed on girls in high school.

How could he have spared so much as a glance at anyone else when he’d had this right in front of him? Eddie’s soft lips, careful hands, fierce looks, and unwavering devotion were all that his brain had ever been tuned-in to. Brenda Arrowsmith and all the big-breasted women that followed had been nice to look at, of course, but this…

Eddie kissed him back after a quick moment, and Richie couldn’t help the soft noise that he made as Eddie’s hands slid up and into his hair.

“Your hair’s shorter, now,” Eddie murmured against Richie’s mouth, combing his fingers through the curly, salt-and-pepper ringlets around Richie’s ears. “That summer…I used to fantasize about having my hands in it, especially when it was wet down at the quarry–”

“Your underwear was too tight that summer,” Richie responded, pure relief flooding his system as the confession spilled out. “How was a boy supposed to think about anything else when Sonia K. was unknowingly providing him with wet dream material for the rest of his–”

“Wanted to rub that after-sun lotion all over your shoulders,” Eddie continued, punctuating his thoughts with kisses. “Your face, your chest, your legs…and I hated myself for it, because you were such an idiot, but I also kind of liked it, too, because…because–”

“I didn’t want to be….I didn’t want people to find out–”

“Me either! If my mother had known–”

“Didn’t want to be like that, to have another reason for people to be on my ass all the time–”

“Another reason that I was sick–”

“I’m sorry.”

Eddie pulled back a little further upon hearing Richie’s apology. He studied Richie’s face, eyes sweeping over the freckles on Richie’s cheeks and ears, and then smiled - the first genuine smile Richie had seen him give since 1994.

“It doesn’t matter,” Eddie said thoughtfully, hands still occupied with Richie’s curls. “We’re here.”

“We’re here,” Richie agreed, liking that the phrase erased both the past and the present - the mistakes they’d made as teens and the horror they were sure to face in the next few days. “We’re here.”

[fromshore-archive-blog]

Meta about Maya and her views on Tony, post IM3? (I'm egotistical, love me)

send  me  meta  topics  meme !   /     always  accepting , but   especially  right  now !    WARNING :  it  might  take  me  a  week  to  do  because  it  gets  so  fucking  long ,    but  i  love  these  more  than  life  itself .

this  became  a  seven  part  essay  with  mcu  and  comic  references ;     i  would  apologize except ,  to  quote  littleostentatiouspersonally ,     “BRIEF  IS  FOR  PEOPLE  WITHOUT  FEELINGS”

PART  I  :    BERN ,   BABY ,   BERN .

okay ,     so  i  can’t  really  talk  about  maya’s  feelings  about  tony  post - im3  without  talking  about  maya’s  feelings  about  tony  pre  and  during  im3 .      specifically ,    we  need  to  talk  about  bern .

i  just  want  to  put  out ,   plain  and  open  and  simple ,     that  TONY  DIDN’T  BREAK  MAYA’S  HEART  BECAUSE  THEY  HAD  A  ONE  NIGHT  STAND .      i’m  sorry ,    but  maya’s  a  big  girl   and  tony  was  a  big  playboy  and  i  refuse  to  insult  her  self - worth  and  competence  like  that .

TONY  BREAKS  MAYA’S  HEART  BECAUSE  HE ,  FOR  HALF  A  SECOND ,   GAVE  HER  THE  TIME  OF  DAY .  .  .     and  then  they  had  a  one  night  stand .    i  talked  about  this  in  my  meta  about  killian  linked  HERE    (  and  this  is  going  to  be  a  running  theme  here ,   me  referencing  al ,    because  her  relationship  to  these  two  men   is  so  inherently  intertwined  )    ———  in  2000 ,   all  maya  really  wanted  and  needed  was  to  be  taken  seriously .     to  get  the  respect  she  felt  she  deserved .

one  night  stands ,    maya  could  do .     if  he’d  taken  her  up  to  the  room ,    fucked  her ,    left  in  the  morning  before  she  woke  up ,    that  would  have  been  fine .        but  he  didn’t .      they  talked  about  research  and  things  that  mattered .    she  showed  him  her  plant .     he  called  her  brilliant .      and  she  wasn’t  naive  enough  to  fully  believe  she  was  special ,   per  se   ——  remember ,    she  anticipates  the  caveat  behind  that  compliment  ——  but  that  sure  as  hell  doesn’t  mean  that  she  was  intellectually  or  emotionally  prepared  to  be  disregarded  in  the  way  he  disregards  her .        i’m  not  sure  anyone  could  be ,    especially  given  that  she  was  in  her  early  twenties  at  the  time  ;       canon  would  mark  her  as  21 ,     but  by  MY  timeline  she’s  23  and  on  the  verge  of  finishing  her  doctorate .       yes ,   that’s  right ,     maya  hasn’t  completed  her  doctorate  in  that  moment ——  remember ,    al ,    who  has  openly  been  following  her  and  her  career ,     refers  to  her  as   “ms  hansen”    after  all .        and  that ,     that  moment  when  he  leads  her  on  enough  to  get  her  hopes  up  only  to  let  her  own   ——–    that’s  what  breaks  her  heart  and  wounds  her  pride   and  sends  her  straight  to  aldrich  killian .

this  distinction  matters  because  maya  hansen  lives  life  very   HERSELF  AGAINST  THE  WORLD .     and  in  bern ,    when  tony  did  that  with  her ,    he  made  himself  a  part  of  the  world  that  she  was  up  against .       i’m  a  massive  fall   out  boy  fan ,    and  their  song ,     “ this  ain’t  a  scene ,   it’s  an  arms  race ”  ——–   maya  buys  into  that  concept  extremely  deeply.     disregarding  the  like ,    literal  weapons / arms  race  she  eventually  becomes  involved  in ,    when  she  starts  out  ,    it’s  all   about  the  intellectual  one .      the  weapons  are  connection  and  money  and  status  and  esteem  and  respect .     and  people  who  want  to  be  anywhere  in  the  industry  have  to  win  the  war ,   or  at  least  be  a  very  well - known  soldier .     tony ,   whether  he  realized  it  or  not ,     fired  the  first  shot  in  their battle ,    wielding  these  weapons  in  models  bigger  and  more  advanced  than  she  possessed  by  miles .        the  morning  after ,    maya  knew  she  needed  to  win  the  war .

he  had  sealed  the  deal ,   too ,   by  leaving   that  formula  scrawled  on  the  nametag    behind .     because  #1 when the  hell  did  he  come  up  with that ?     in  his  dreams ?    in  his  hungover  state  when  he  rolled  over  for  his  pants ?     or  did  the  numbers  fall  into  his  head  to  the  rhythm  of  their  fucking ?     again  with  the  fucking  mixed  signals !        this   wasn’t  some  game  or  riddle  to  her ;     all  she  wanted  was  for  him  to  give  it  to  her  straight ——-  whatever  “IT”  might  have  been .       and ,   apparently ,   he  didn’t  respect  her  enough  to  do  that ,     and  that  pissed  her  off .       he’s  the  one  who  made  it  personal  by  not  keeping  it  strictly  professional .

i  think    it’s  quite  clear  that  her  hang - up  with  him  is  intellectual  even  in  canon ,   just  by  nature  of  the  way  she  approaches  him  at  the  mansion  during  im3 .      compare  her  tone  when  pepper  refers  to  her   as  tony’s  “ex girlfriend”   to  when  pepper  refers  to  her  as  a  “botanist”  ;     spoiler  alert :    she  sounds  a  hell  of  a  lot  more  offended  about  the  oversimplification  of  the  latter  than  the  hyperbole  of  the  former .      

 this  is  the  point  where  i  could  very  easily  launch  into  rambling  about  the  total  validity  of  maya  and  tony  as  a  romantic / sexual  ship  under  certain  circumstance ,    but  i’m  going  to  keep  the  grittier  details  of  that  for  another  post   (  if  there’s  interest  in  me  writing  it ,    ofc  !!!  )      there  will  undoubtedly  be  some  mention  of  it ,    but  yeah ,    if  you  want  the  full  Discourse  about  that ,   that  will  be  another  meta .    but  my  point  here  has  been  to  SMASH  any  illusion  that  maya  was  upset  because  she  managed  to  fall  for  him  in  one  night  and  he  didn’t  stick  around .    it  goes  deeper  than  that .

PART  II :     SHE  COULD’VE  CURED  CANCER  INSTEAD  OF  BECOMING  THE  NEW  ONE .

i  now  want  to  talk  about  a  dynamic  between  them ,   as  seen  from  maya’s  perspective ,   that  has  permeated  their  interactions  from  the  beginning .

maya  has  worked  very  hard  to  get  as  far  in  life  as  she  has  in  this  life .     and ,   yeah ,    she’s  proud  of   what  she’s  accomplished .      but  notice  that  distinction  there ——–  she’s  proud  of  what  she’s  accomplished ,    not  necessarily  the  aforementioned  hard  work .     maya  isn’t  one  of  those  people  who  cares  about  the  journey ,    only  the  destination .      she  contrasts  perfectly  what  @analyticallyminded​   has  written  about  her  portrayal  of  jemma  simmons ,     who  feels  like  she  must  work  hard  and  earn  what  she  has  in  order  to  be  deserving  ;       MAYA  WOULD   BE  PERFECTLY  HAPPY  TO  BE  HANDED  THINGS  IN  LIFE  BECAUSE  SHE  KNOWS  SHE  WOULD  CONTINUE  TO  WORK  JUST  AS  HARD  REGARDLESS ,     AND  THEREFORE ,   SHE  WOULD  GO  EVEN  FARTHER .      

this  is  one  of  the  reasons  tony  irks  her .      he  was  born  with  a  silver  spoon  in  his  mouth  such  as  others  can  only  dream  of .      he  had  money  and  connections   and  influence  handed  right  to  him  before  he  knew  how  to  uncurl  his  fists  ;       her  palms ,    on  the  other  hand ,     were  wide  open  and  empty .      and ,    yeah ,    sitting  here  as  outsiders  looking  in ,    you  and  i    (  and  tony  )     could  give  a  list  of  a  million  reasons  why  that  is  a  vast ,   vast  oversimplification ,     why  he  had  unique  obstacles  to  overcome  that  she’s  never  had  to  deal  with  or  even  ever  considered .

but  maya  has  always ,    always ,    seen  ambition  as  exceedingly  simple  . 

there’s  that  exchange  from  iron  man  extremis   when  tony  and  maya  are  talking  to  sal  kennedy   —————

sal :     you  [ maya ]      have  intellect  and  power ,    but  it’s  not  enough .     it’s  like  there’s   a  damn  across  your  life .      her  problem  is  that  she’s  a  woman .     there’s  a  glass  ceiling .     it  could  take  her  another  five ,    ten  years  to  get  to  where    you  [ tony ]     are  now .           /        and  what  would  you  do  when  you  got  to  tony’s  position ?

maya :       four  years  of  engineering  and  i  could  cure  cancer .

sal :      there  you  go .       and  what  do  you  think  of  at  night ,     tony ?

tony :     .  .  .   making  a  better  iron  man   suit .

where  tony ,    as  she  sees  it ,    fucks  around  with  different  phases  of  his  life ,     MAYA  HAS  ONLY  EVER  CHASED  ONE  THING ,    sought  to  ride  it  to  its  climactic  end ,    to  see  it  all  the  way  through  to  her  success .     as  far  as  she’s  concerned ,    roles  reversed ,   she  literally  would  have  cured  cancer  by  now .     (   or ,    mun   addition ,    would  have  set  the  world   on  the  path  towards  mutually  assured  destruction .    but  even  then ,   at  least ,    no one  would  be  around  to  call  her  on  her  fault .   )      but  think  about  it :   tony  had  his  moral  crisis  and  pulled  out  of  the  arms  race ,    making  his  time  and  energy  and  resources  and  money  dedicated  there  moot  .           tony  dedicated  significant  time  and  energy  resources  and  money  to  the  avengers ,   a  project  from  which  he  was  originally  excluded  and  contemporarily  cannot  claim  sole  credit  for .                as  collateral  for  both  of  those  things ,    tony  has  now  poured  more  time  and  energy  and  resources  and  money  into  humanitarian  efforts  and  clean - up  projects  to  undo  the  damage .             not  to  mention  all  of  the  time  and  energy  and  resources  and  money  that  he’s  squandered  tinkering  on  suits  and  other  projects  to  cope  with  his  mental  health  issues .

do  you  see  the  pattern  there ——  lots  of  time  and  energy  and  resources  and  money  UTTERLY  WASTED .      were  maya  hansen  in  his  position ,     all  of  that  would  have  gone  into  her  primary  research .      nothing  would   have  been  spent  on  a  mid - career  crisis  or  feeding  projects  that  do  anything  besides  propel  her  forward

MAYA  HANSEN  AND  TONY  STARK  ARE  SO  FUNDAMENTALLY  SIMILAR .     but  that  only  seeks  to  make  the  areas  where  they  are  so  fundamentally  different  all  the  more  glaring .      privilege  and  what  they’ve  done  with  it ?    one  of  those  biggest  and  most  fundamental  differences .

to  her ,      tony  stark  had  what  every  little  budding  scientist  playing  with  their  chemistry  set  dreams  about ,     and  he  completely  and  utterly  failed  to  live  up  to  that  potential .     ever  since  bern ,    she’s  been  resenting  him  for  that .     and  after  im3 ,    she  still  hasn’t  stopped .

PART  III  :   FUCKING  FINALLY ,    I’M  SOLIDLY  TALKING  ABOUT  POST - IM3  LIKE  ORIGINALLY  ASKED !

post -  im3 ,    maya  is  aware  that  she  has  lost  all  footing  to  ever  call  him  out  on  his  misuse  of  his  privilege ,      his  total  misstep  in  how  he  has  navigated  the  war   .    #1    because  he  has  ammunition  too  solid  to  fire  back  at  her .      with  his  much  more  awake  conscience ,    he’d  call  her  on  the  fact  that  she  went   ALL  THE  WAY  IN  THE  WRONG  DIRECTION .      and  she  knows   they’ll  never  agree  on  the  justification  of  why  that  as  .  .  .    not  necessarily  okay ,    but  an  acceptable  and  logical  course  of  reason .     why  that  doesn’t  make  her  any  worse  a  person  than  him .     why ,   in  some  ways ,   it  might  make  her  a  better  one .  .  .

and   #2  because  what  little  shot  she  has  at  a  second  chance  at  it  all ,   she  has  because  of  HIM .     i  sound  like  a broken  record  saying  some  of  this  shit ,    but  maya  shouldn’t  be  allowed  to  walk  around  after  what  she  did .     on  the  scale  she  did it ,   too .      without  the  pull  of  someone  like  tony  stark ,    she’d  still  be  rotting  away  in  a  jail  cell .       she  can’t  get  too  mouthy  with  him ,    especially  since ,    at  least  at  present ,    she   refuses  to  humble  herself  by  thanking  him .       if  anything ,   she  feels  as  though  she’s  finally   getting  the  sort  of  easy  break  that  he’s  been  catching   his  whole  life   ;      she  somehow  doubts  he  ever  went  around  thanking  the  people  or  things  that  made  those  possible  for  him .  

PART  IV :    WHO  STILL  HAS  A  SOUL !

the   other  big  thing  that  still  fills  maya  with  rage  when  she  thinks  about  tony  is  that  little  speech  he  gives  her  at  the  end  of  iron  man  3 .    let’s  just  pull  out  the  transcript ,    shall  we ?

tony :     you  used  to  have  a  moral  psychology .     you  used  to  have  ideals .     you  wanted  to  help  people .    now  look  at  you .    i  get  to  wake  up  every  morning  with  someone  who  still  has  their  soul .  

okay ,    listen ,     this  is  the  last  real  conversation  she  has  before  she  dies  and  then  gets  hospitalized  and  then  gets  tried  and  then  goes  to  jail .      so  these  are  words  that  echo  in  her  mind  during  her  time  in  prison .      and ,   while  undoubtedly  not  the  way  he  hoped  they  would  settle ,    all  they  do  is  really  fill  her  with  alternating  anger  and  annoyance .

 how  fucking  dare  he  make  that  judgement  call  about  her  knowing  as  little  about  her  journey  as  he  does ?     there’s  that  quote   DO  NOT  JUDGE  MY  STORY  BY  THE  CHAPTER  YOU  WALKED   IN  ON ;     literally ,    should  have  just  @’ed  tony  stark  on  that  one .        he  doesn’t  know  her .    hell ,   that’s  evident  from   his  assertion  that  she  wanted  to  help  people  ——–  she  wanted  to ,   but  again ,    that  was  secondary  to  her  being  GREAT .      she  still  has  her  ideals ;     they’re  just  not  pretty  or  good  ones .

maya  hansen  is  an  awful  person .      BUT  THE  THING  ABOUT  BEING  AN  AWFUL  PERSON ?     YOU  STILL  HAVE  TO  BE  A  PERSON  TO  BE  ONE .       maya  has  dragged  her  soul  through  the  mud  and  dirt ,    stomped  on  it  a  few  times ,     but  she  still  has  it .     it’s  capable  of  being  cleaned  up ,    if  she  wants  to .    she  still  has  it ,    she  still  owns  it .      and  he’s  on  NO  MORAL  HIGH  GROUND   to  be  lecturing  her  on  it .

(   there’s  also  the  point  that  he  could  have  been  an  active  character  in  those  chapters  if  he  wanted  to  be .    that  he  has  only  ever  thumbed  through  her  pages  with  little  more  than  he  gave  her  clit ?     oh  boy .   )   

additionally ,   his  saying     “i  get  to  wake  up  every  morning  with  someone   who  still has  a  soul”   as  opposed  to  something  like     “i  get  to  wake  up   every   morning   and  still  have  a  soul”   is  SO  FUCKED  UP .      if  a  parallel  should  be  drawn  between   her  and  another  person in  this  scenario ,    it  should  be  HIMSELF ,      not  pepper .

[    there’s  an  entire  section  about  semiotic  squares  that  i  started  to  put  right  in  here ,    but  that  i  am  going  to  save  for  another  post  because  it’s  basically  this  whole   Thing .      semiotic  squares  are  one  of  the  concentrations  that  i’ve  chosen  for  my  independent  research  with  my  lit  degree ,    and  so  i  could  literally  write  you  a  masters  thesis  length  analysis .    that  deserves  its  own  post .     the  tl;dr  of  it  all ,    though  ——-  there’s  a  fundamental  reason  that  in  the  years  between  bern  and  malibu ,     maya’s  being  merges  with  a  character  like  aldrich  killian ,     while  tony’s   merges  with  one  like  pepper  potts .     the  first  pair  picked  a  target  and  barrelled  straight  for  it ,    disregarding  the  ruin  it  brought  to  them  and  everyone  around  them ,     but  looked  in  mirrors  and  still  liked  what  they  saw .     the  other  two  changed  directions  and  burned  bridges  in  favor  of  greener  pastures ,    but  all  that  driving  cost  them  lots  of  gas  money  and  a  hellish  whiplash .     the  four  of  them  square  one  another  out  perfectly .  .  .    but  i  digress /     stay  tuned  for  a  full  post  about  all  this  nonsense     ]

but  also ,    him  choosing  to  juxtapose  herself  and pepper ,     thus  comparing  sexual  partner  to  romantic / sexual  partner ,      suggests  that   he  still  views  her  in  a  sexual  light .       which  is  fine ,    or  whatever ,    again  bc  validity  of  their  chemistry    EXCEPT  THAT  IN  THIS  VERY ,    VERY  HEIGHTENED  MOMENT ,     the  climax  of  this  movie   and  the  moment  her  entire  career  has   been  building  up  to  ——-  the  confrontation  with  tony   stark  she’s  been  dying  to  have  ——–   HE ,    BY  NATURE  OF  THE  COMPARISON  HE  CHOOSES  TO  DRAW ,  SIMPLIFIES  HER  TO  A  PAST  FLING .       after  everything  they’ve  been  through  and  all  going  through ,    that’s  still  the  underlying  lens  through  which  he  views  her ?      calling  her  a  piece  of  shit  scumbag  would  have  been  more  respectful .

(  mun  note  again :    i  fucking  hate  the  pacing  of  that  scene  anyway  ;      it  escalates  wayyyy  too quickly  and  gets  rushed  in  the  end  by  kilian’s  entrance ,    and  i’d  love  to  know  if   any  other  versions  of  it  existed  previously  in  the  development  of  the  movie .      but  it’s  what  we’ve  got  to  work  with .     and  again ,   these  attitudes  are  maya’s  biased  viewpoint .    ) 

she  stews   in  that  the  entire  time  she’s  in  prison .     and  it’s  because .  .  . 

PART V :    BITE  YOUR  TONGUE ;    IT’S  SERPENTINE .

that’s  never ,    ever  how  maya  has  viewed  tony  stark .      she’s  always  admired  his  work   and   respected  his  person .      even  while  decrying  his  work   and  criticizing  his  person    (   as  seen  above  ) ,      she  still fundamentally  held  him  in  the  same  high  esteem  that  she  would  anyone  else  with  the  kind  of  proven  brilliance  and  know - how   he  did .      more  than  that ,    she  had  a  name tag  from  bern   2000  that  proved  it   that ,     whether  she  wanted  to  or  not ,    she  needed  him .     she  needed  that  advice  that   ( she  thought )   he  had  to  give .

and  bottom  line   because  of  that  respect   MAYA  HANSEN  PRE - IM3  WOULD  HAVE  BEEN  HARD  PRESSED  TO  WALK  UP  TO  TONY  AND  PREACH  AT  HIM .      though  she  of  course  over  the  years  developed  her  very  strong  opinions  on  the  way  he  was  living  his  life ,    and  simultaneously  and  independently  chose  to  live   hers  in  such  a  way  that  she  became  one  of  his  “demons” ,     she ,    from  a  purely  moral  standpoint ,    stayed  in  her  fucking  lane .        as  discussed  above ,    when  it  counted ,   he  didn’t .     

consequently ,     there’s  a  lot  on  her  end  of  the  relationship  that  is  going  unsaid .     and  now ,   maya  post - im3  is  caught  in  the  worst ,   most  complicated  predicament  of  her  entire  relationship  with  tony  stark .

now  that  tony  officially has  tried  to  mark  himself  as  morally  superior ,    SHE  NOW  HAS  LICENSE  AND  WILL  TO  RETALIATE  AND  LAY  BARE  ALL  OF  HER   ISSUES  WITH  HIM .     and ,   god ,    sometimes  she  wants  to .     there’s  shit  he’s  done  all  throughout  the  entire  twenty - first  century  that  she’d  love  to  bring  back  to  the  surface .      there’s  one  GIANT  finger  pointing  at  her ,    but  waaaay  more  than  four  little  ones  pointing  back  at  him .     and  maya  has  a  temper  and  a  vicious  way  with  words .    at  times ,   she’d   kill to  unleash  everything  she’s  got .

but ,    as  i  mentioned  earlier ,    SHE  CAN’T  SAY  SHIT  TO  THE  PERSON  WHO  BAILED  HER  OUT  OF  THE  SLAMMER .     she  finally  has  the  will ,    but  she  doesn’t  have  the  way .

she  looks  at  him  and  she  wants  to  scream .     she  wants  to  lay  out  in  front  of  him  exactly  how  she  feels .    THANKS  FOR  BAILING  ME  OUT  AND  ALL ,    BUT  YOU  REALIZE  YOU  DESERVE  TO  BE  THERE  WITH  ME ,   RIGHT ????  

PART  VI :    THE  EYES  ARE  THE  WINDOWS  TO  THE  SOUL .

so  the  gut  reaction  of  tony  fans    (   and  some  tony  portrayals ,   though  i’m  trying   to  keep  this  answer  generalized   to  the  tony  stark  character  rather  than  a  specific  one  )     is  going  to  be  that  there’s  nothing  she  could   say  that  he  hasn’t  said  to  himself .

here’s  the  thing  though :     MAYA  DOESN’T  GIVE  A  SHIT  ABOUT  HIS  GUILTY  CONSCIENCE  ;   his  having  one  does  nothing  to  change  the  feelings  she  has  towards  him  one  way  or  another .

in  general ,    maya  has  very  little  regard  for  consciences .    even  her  own .    what  good  does  it  do  if  what  she’s  done  keeps  her  up  at  night ?     she’s  done  it  regardless .            /                 flipside  of  that :     him  being  wracked  by  guilt  for  what  he’s  done / caused   doesn’t  do  shit .     she  doesn’t  have  any  sympathy  for  someone  hiding  behind  they’re  self  hate  ;      it’s  a  cop - out  and  an  excuse  and  it  makes  her  blood  boil .

a  part  of  this ,   too ,    is  that  maya  is  very  ableist .    i  think  this  goes  without  saying  given that  extremis  was  largely   tested  on  disabled  people ,    who  she  clearly  didn’t  respect .     i’ve  written  headcanons  before  on  her  biological  uncle  that  i’ve  made  up  who  she  sort  of  disregarded  because  of  the  traits  that  he  portrayed  because  of  his  ptsd .      she  would  NOT  INITIALLY  BE  UNDERSTANDING  OF  THE  ROLE  TONY’S  ANXIETY / DEPRESSION / PTSD    HAS  PLAYED  IN  HIS  CHARACTER  ARC  AND  LIFE ;      i  emphasize  initially because  a  big  part  of  the  reason  that  she  doesn’t  understand  is  that  she  doesn’t  care to .     if ,   in  rp  land ,   she  began  to  care  about  tony  or  another  mentally  ill  character ,    some  of  this  could  change .     (  it  already has  progressed  some  because  i  have  an  extensive  backstory  of  her  and  my  own  erik  selvig  muse .    but  that’s  also  a  meta  for  another  time .   )

PART  VII :    POT  AND  KETTLE .

at  the  end  of  the  day ,   TONY  AND  MAYA  ARE  JUST  SITTING  ON  TOP  OF  A  STOVE  ARGUING  OVER  WHO  IS  A  DARKER  SHADE .     they’re  both  fucking  black ,    but  both  of  them  are  grey  on  the  inside .     tony’s  whistle  went  off  first  but  maya’s  then  went  off  louder  but  now   THEY  CAN’T  EVEN  TALK  ABOUT  WHAT   HAPPENED  BECAUSE  THEY’RE  BOTH  JUST  FUCKING  KITCHEN  APPLIANCES .    

SO  IN  SUMMARY ,     i  know  that  i  wrote  a  lot  about  maya / tony  in  general  and  a  lot  less  about  maya / tony  post - im3     than  you  might  have  been  expecting .    it’s  because  maya ,   largely ,    still  feels  the  same way  towards  tony  that  she  has  always  felt  ;      the  big  difference  is  that   now  she  is  going  to  be  forced  to  face  those  feelings  up  close .     (   or  closer  than  before ,    as  both  of  my  main  tony  partners  have ,   thus  far ,    still  kept  her  at  arms’  length .    or  football  fields’  length.    understandably .    )

everything  ahead  is  unknown  territory  that  i  look  forward  to  exploring  in  the  world  of  rp .    that  is ,    after  all ,   why  we’re  all  here   :)