#okami kingdom hearts when I say final fantasy I mean like every old final fantasy game morrowind xenoblade

[pumpkinsouppe]

I’m gonna be honest, 90% of the games I play or want to play don’t come from game recs from friends they actually come from fruddle’s sleepy video game music for 2 hours (vol. 2 and 3)

[deebormzone]

Deeborm’s Pointless and Unrealistic Smash Bros. Wishlist

It’s Smashbro season once again, and that means it’s wishlist time. I’d better get in on the predictions now while the market’s hot.

Regular predictions aren’t any fun, though. The characters Nintendo are most likely to add are the least interesting. Instead, I present you with a list of great characters who definitely won’t get in at all. In this minigame, I win if any one of the following make it into Smash. Wish me luck!

First, here’s the Pile of Honorable Mention Smash Bros. Newcomers. These aren’t heartstopping legendary additions, but would be nice surprises. (These do not count towards winning the wishlist minigame, but are worth bonus points.)

Krystal

Staff plus magic is a good fighting style. Plus, it’s nice to have more representation for Nintendo’s non-main franchises, even if it is just Krystal.

Geno (Super Mario RPG)

A good star spirit who deserved better. C’mon, throw him a bone. No, Mii outfits don’t count.

Amaterasu (Okami)

A good dog from a good game. Already appeared in Marvel 3, so not a huge surprise, but definitely welcome.

Simon Belmont

A nice whip-based moveset and a strong history on Nintendo platforms would make Simon a welcome sight, if Konami would let him.

Crash Bandicoot

Crash skipping Playstation All-Stars to join Smash Bros. instead is enough of a joke to make his inclusion worth it.

Shovel Knight

He’s a cool enough guy, but the main benefit of having him in Smash is his music.

Quote (Cave Story)

The little robot that could. He even has a sword! It’s been a while since he’s been relevant, but he did appear on Switch recently.

Hades (Kid Icarus Uprising)

The whole game was great, and Hades was still the best part of it. I don’t really know what his moveset would be, but it doesn’t really matter.

Sora (Kingdom Hearts)

I’ll take any Kingdom Hearts content anywhere it appears, but the draw of his series is the action and stupidity, not the main character, so this wouldn’t be a bombshell announcement for me.

Black Mage

How about a Final Fantasy character who actually appeared on NES? Good design, good spells, good inclusion.

Zelda (Breath of the Wild)

They didn’t make her playable in Breath of the Wild because they’re cowards, but they can redeem themselves here. (Only applies if she has a unique playstyle.)

Professor Layton

The most powerful gentleman is a pleasure to see just about anywhere. He even qualifies as an anime swordsman since he appeared in an anime wielding a sword. He’s practically guaranteed to get in.

Actual Ganondorf

Due to time constraints, the Smash Bros. devs decided to ignore the entire Zelda series and depict Ganondorf as Captain Falcon with a large shoe. There’s still time to set things right.

Snake

Snake is great and everyone loves him, but reclaiming him from Konami is harder than infiltrating Shadow Moses.

Crono

The legend from the SNES. He’s been gone a long time, and seeing him again would be fantastic - if they can work out a good moveset for him. Good meaning, more than anime swordsman.

Those are all great characters, so it’s unlikely any of them will get in.

But the REAL unlikely characters start here! Presenting Deeborm’s Pointless and Unrealistic Smash Bros. Wishlist!! Loosely ordered from least to most hype.

I’ll briefly explain why each of these is a favorite of mine and a good character to add to Smash Bros., and also why they definitely won’t be. If any one of these losers actually makes it in, I’ll be absolutely stunned, but in a pleasant sort of way.

The Missing Piece - Banjo-Kazooie

The big B-K ought to have been in Smash from the first damn one. They’ve got platforming moves (jumping, gliding, flight), they’ve got mobility (Talon Trot, forward roll), they’ve got a wide arsenal of attacks (eggs of all sorts, Breegull Bash, Beak Barge), defensive options (Wonderwing, Shack Pack), and they’re fun characters to boot. Whenever I get asked to pick one person to add to Smash, this is my answer.

Of course, it won’t happen because of Microsoft. Nowadays, Xbox doesn’t seem to have many compelling exclusives, so it’s hard to imagine them letting Banjo do cross-company work, even with no games planned. There’s also the risk of them using the unnerving Nuts & Bolts models, which would leave a foul taste in my mouth even if they did get in.

Sometimes I think they were planning on adding Banjo-Kazooie in Smash 4, but they couldn’t make a deal with Microsoft, and the character got re-purposed into Duck Hunt. Those back-mounted bird attacks look a little familiar... and so does the brown and red color scheme.

The Surliest Psychic - Neku Sakuraba

Neku’s a cool kid. He floats around and has loads of weird psychic powers. Giving him a unique moveset would be simple. His game, The World Ends With You, is coming to Switch fairly soon, so there’s even advertising potential. His fans rarely get anything new, so he’d be nice to see.

Of course, he’s Square Enix, which makes him harder to add. A third-party, minor franchise (barely even a franchise! ...sorry) doesn’t seem likely to make it in when the only third-party characters so far are the heaviest of heavy hitters (Sonic, Snake, Pac-Man, Mega Man, Ryu, Cloud).

And I hate to admit it, but it’s been so long since I beat that game, I don’t even have a clear memory of Neku’s moves anymore. That’s mainly why he’s down here on the list. He still qualifies as bombshell, though!

The Rythmic Ringleader - Marshall

There was barely any Rhythm Heaven content in Smash 4 at all! I was so disappointed.

I know, it’s not so easy to add Rhythm Heaven, especially as a character. First of all, it’s a teeny tiny series on par with Warioware. Then there’s the problem of adding rhythm-based content. It could be like Donkey Kong’s Final Smash, completely unusable online due to lag, or it could be hard to implement around the game’s huge soundtrack.

Also, the series doesn’t really have any strong lead characters. Karate Joe is just Ryu. “Rhythm Girl”, who appears on the title screen sometimes, doesn’t even have a name. The pink guy from Megamix is alright, but he doesn’t actually do anything.

Marshall here might be the best pick. He offers moral support in Fever, probably the best game in the series. His design is a bit more unique than Joe and friends, and he can even stand in for one of the Chorus Men as needed.

Since the odds of getting any Rhythm Heaven rep are so low, I’m considering it a win for me if anyone, not just Marshall, makes it in.

The Legendary Yell - Dragonborn

Skyrim is on Switch, Cloud is in Smash, and all bets are off.

The main reason Dragonborn would be a great edition to Smash is because they represent the whole Elder Scrolls series. A crusty old RPG series, exclusively for PC, making it into Super Fuckin’ Smash Brothers. That’s my kind of joke.

They might seem a bit similar to Link in terms of playstyle, but if the devs put the work in, they could craft something really cool. Big two-handed weapons plus magic, and maybe a hint of archery. They could use a skill system in reference to that RPG history, where the moves you use grow stronger as they connect and unlock different playstyles, resetting between lives.

As a bonus, the Dragonborn’s signature power is Unrelenting Force, a Shout that does little damage but blows enemies away. That move would work especially well in Smash Bros., and would also be a great ability for Kirby to steal (”Fus... Ro Dah~!”).

Of course, this is only possible if Bethesda plays along... and if Nintendo is willing to accept a big Western hero in a game that, currently, has none. I have a feeling that this inclusion is more likely than the rest, but there are some major hurdles in the way.

The Orange Warlord - Andy

It’s been too long since Advance Wars has been a thing.

Every so often, you’ll see an Advance Wars character on somebody’s Smash wishlist. There’s potential there to add a moveset based around indirect combat, with military-themed summons and projectiles. Advance Wars did make it into Smash as an Assist Trophy, so it’s not a completely ridiculous idea!

Andy is probably the best pick for a representative. He’s pretty basic in terms of design, but he’s more or less the main character. The runner-up is Sami, but she specializes in infantry. Infantry uses real guns, which tend to be forbidden in Smash. In fact, Sami usually carries a big, real-looking gun whenever she’s depicted. Andy, however, carries wrenches and specializes in repair. Nothing violent about repair, even if you’re repairing tanks and bombers! 100% family-friendly.

Sadly, not even Andy has much of a shot. Worse than the existence of real guns, his series is basically dead. But I still remember him and his advanced wars, and I’m leaving a spot on my wishlist for him, just in case. I’d call it a win if any Advance Wars character makes it.

The Fountain of Fury - Fawful

The Mario RPGs are (were?) pretty great, but they rarely get any representation in Smash. It’s understandable- those characters would count as yet another Mario representative, and from a lesser spinoff at that. But this list is all about recognizing games I loved, and the tiny hope that they might shine once more.

Fawful is probably the best rep here. He’s popular for a spinoff character, owing to his broken English and oddball machinations. He appeared in three Mario & Luigi games, twice as a major player. Usually, characters from Mario RPGs get completely abandoned, so that’s saying something.

It’s tough to pin down his moveset. Most of the time, he fights with his jet-powered vacuum hat, but it varies. He’d have a unique playstyle for sure, if the devs can figure one out.

And here’s an interesting fact- both of Fawful’s games are getting remastered. He actually qualifies as “has an upcoming game,” which Master Sakurai says is an important factor in deciding who gets a spot. Maybe, just maybe, this angry beanman has a real chance.

The Arsenal Absolute - Doomguy

Talk about a long shot.

The new Doom came out on Switch recently, taking Doomguy’s odds from “completely impossible” to “extremely unlikely”. The real draw of Doomguy, though, is his history. Smash Bros. is all about gaming’s greatest mascots (and whatever Nintendo wants to advertise this console generation, but let’s ignore that). Doomguy is the FIRST First-Person Shooter, and it’s hard to get more prestigious.

The two big obstacles keeping Doomguy out are the fact he’s third-party, and the fact he uses lots of guns. For the first, he could maybe come as a package deal with Dragonborn thanks to Bethesda, and for the second, his new game features a lot of energy weapons. Maybe enough to keep him from using anything forbidden.

But that raises a question. If Doomguy loses bullet weapons, like the Super Shotgun, is it really Doomguy anymore? Can he focus on bombs and lasers and berserking, and still be Doomguy? Maybe this one’s simply a lost cause.

Besides, they’d probably call him “Doom Marine” or something, which is no fun.

The Nightmare Neighbor - Porky

The Mother series hasn’t done too well in Smash Bros. Ness and Lucas use a whole bunch of PK abilities they don’t actually have in the games, which bugs me just a little. I’d like to see some more well-done Mother stuff to take the edge off. Magicant in Smash 4 3DS was a good start, but how about something... more substantial?

There are a few good characters that could show up still. Flint, with his mighty 2x4, would be a cool addition, as would Duster and his staples. I’d like to see Paula or Kumatora, but guess what? Ness and Lucas already took their moves. Grr.

So how about the big man himself? Pokey Minch, the piece of garbage everyone hates. He’s a great villain with great tools. It could be Pokey or Porky, spider-bot or on foot. I’m not picky! Give him a final smash based on the ever-popular Giygas battle, and I would definitely feel happy.

But as always, he’s not likely to get in. The Mother series is basically done. Worse, Pokey’s spider-bot, his signature weapon, might be just a little too big (somewhere, Ridley cries into his cup of Phazon).

The Overwhelming Otaku - Travis Touchdown

What a cool game! No More Heroes for the Wii, using Nintendo’s gimmicks in a fun and stylish action game, starring Mister Travis here. Although his games came out on other consoles later, for a while he was an unlikely Nintendo star. And guess what? He’s coming back on Switch for a new game.

Besides being from a fairly low-profile series, I think the main issue with Travis in Smash is his sheer vulgarity. If I’m remembering right, his first spoken line in-game is “FUCKHEADS!” as he does a backflip off a motorcycle and decapitates five people, which is great, but might be frowned upon by Papa Nintendo. They could tone down that part of his character for Smash, but vulgarity is baked into him on every level. His laser sword recharges by pretending to jerk off, and his signature pose is taking a shit to save the game. Also, there’s the above image.

But although Travis seems like an unlikely addition to Smash Bros., you could easily compare him to Bayonetta, a similarly low-profile, high-violence character. And Bayonetta made it in, guns and all. Anything’s possible, right?

The Seeker of the Stars - Goombella

In ages past, I might have requested Paper Mario in Smash Bros. Those times have long passed. Paper Mario is no longer the symbol of cheerful adventure and exciting battle, but the harbinger of stickers, Toads, and despair.

The only way to make sure the first two paper Mario games are appropriately enshrined in Smash Bros. is to add a character who is undeniably not related to stickers in any way. To that end, I propose Goombella. She’s the first partner you meet in Thousand-Year Door, and sets off the plot. She also narrates the post-credits scene. Yeah, I know that’s not much! I’m trying my best, here! She’s more interesting than Goombario, at least!

Ideally, she could represent the whole game by summoning the other partners for varying attacks: Kooper’s shell for a forward-B, Vivian for spot dodges and low attacks, Bobbery for a powerful forward smash, the baby Yoshi for dashing, maybe Flurrie for grabs. That sort of thing. Doopliss could do something similar as a playable character, transforming between characters, but I’d rather give the slot to the real heroes.

This is probably even less likely to happen than Doomguy, but this list is about games I loved getting one more moment of glory. I know the real truth in my heart: Paper Mario will get in, he’ll be covered in stickers, and I’m just going to have to deal with it like a rational adult. Now that’s a “Smash Attack”! Ha-ha.

The Blockbound Builder - Steve

Speaking of being a rational adult, here’s Minecraft. No matter what games I play over the years, I always come back to Minecraft sooner or later. Someday, I ought to actually beat the game, huh?

Anyway, Steve in Smash is possible because Minecraft came out on Switch with bonus Nintendo content, and he’d make a good addition to the cast because he looks ridiculous in third person. Well, that, and I guess he could also have a creative moveset.

Minecraft in Smash Bros. arguably makes sense from a game history perspective, too. It’s new compared to Mario or Pac-Man, but hugely impactful. It would also make a good stage. I know everyone hates autoscrollers, but a procedurally generating destructible stage could be great fun to play around in.

There are two main problems with Steve in Smash. First, he’s another Microsoft rep, so Nintendo might not be able to cut a deal. Second... he doesn’t have any good battle music.

The Best Defense - Phoenix Wright

Phoenix in Smash is basically the pinnacle of wishful thinking. He’s a third-party character from a series about reading lots of dialogue who doesn’t even fight. I’d say he had no chance at all if it wasn’t for the fact that he made it into Marvel vs. Capcom 3 as a headliner, but even then he had a really gimmicky fighting style that made him hard to use. Still, I guess Smash Bros. is the ideal series for gimmicky fighting styles.

Why is Mr. Wright a good fit for Smash? No reason at all, besides the fact that I like him and his games a whole lot, and so do others. Sadly, he doesn’t even have any games coming out, so I can’t give him the advertisement bonus.

However you look at it, Phoenix Wright has almost no chance at all... but isn’t that how his trials usually go?

The Coolest Dude - Papyrus

Let me clear a couple things up first. It’s been said that it would be bad to have Undertale in Smash Bros., because it would rile up the terrible fanbase. Is that true? Probably. But I don’t give a single, solitary fuck. The only thing, and I do mean the only thing that matters here, is having interesting characters in Smash Bros.

It’s also been said that Sans should get into Smash Bros. I appreciate the commitment to memes, but he actually shouldn’t. Sans’ main character trait is that he doesn’t do anything, which is not a good trait for a fighter to have.

Papyrus, meanwhile, does a lot of things. He has bones. He has deadly traps. He has spaghetti. He has dating power. He is pursued by dogs. He’s got great music. He could easily have a wacky moveset befitting Undertale. Imagine his blue attacks in Smash Bros., a projectile you have to hold still to avoid!

Still, I only mentioned Undertale at all because people have been throwing these kinds of speculations around. Realistically, a shitty GameMaker game that isn’t even out on Switch yet has zero chance of seeing Smash Bros. The idea is thrilling, though, so I have to mention it. You know how I’d get a kick out of Elder Scrolls or Phoenix Wright being represented in Smash? The idea of some crappy game poorly thrown together by some guy in his basement somehow making it into Nintendo’s top-tier premium exclusive celebration is, essentially, the Ultimate Joke. And then I could take that joke and use it to beat people online!

Whew. That’s my, I mean, Deeborm’s Pointless and Unrealistic Smash Bros. Wishlist!! I hope you enjoyed my delusions, and I wish everyone good luck with their own Smash hopes. In the end, all newcomers are good newcomers, so let’s wait and see what happens!