#ok side note. tumblr desktop has been fucking broken on only one computer i use for like 2 weeks now

[hasarjunadoneanythingwrong]

day 1259

dios mio

[magdathemadam-blog]

What a day

Today was, well, something of a mixed bag. It began as it usually does, I woke just before my alarm and pop out of bed. I keep it on the other side of the room so I have to get up to turn it off.  I stumbled around for a few minutes, awake but unwilling. Since I didn’t have class until 1, I decided to go back to sleep until 9. This is always a mistake. I wake up ready to meet the world (usually) and should stay up until nap time. (I only sleep for a few hours at night and few more hours in the afternoon) I slept until 12:40, make up with a raging migraine, the kind that wraps around your head, telling you that sleep is your only option, but the more you sleep the worse it gets. My eyes feel cloudy, my throat and mouth are dry. Part of me wants to skip my 30- minute singing lesson, but the word Dicipline is printed across my white board in all caps. Its the one thing I lack and what I wish to gain. I throw myself together and make it to class, 5 minutes late but there. It was a beautiful day. The sun was shining but it isn’t hot. A soft breeze carries the scents of new life, melted snow and pine. Every inhale is a pleasant bath that washes away all impurities. My headache is gone within a minute of being outside. I have an urge to stay outside, to cling to the free air. Still, Discipline. I go inside.  I love my professor. A wide hipped, small chested woman with curly amber hair, cut into an asymmetrical a line. She has a pure, sweet voice that I could listen to all day. We spend the first ten minutes chatting, laughing about our lives.Then, we practice. The first time is always the roughest. I struggle to stay on. It’s the change in note, from deep to high or high to deep. If the change is gradual, I can do it. If its sudden, I struggle. This is the reason we’ve chosen scarborough fair. The key is higher than I’ve ever done, but my professor insisted that I could do it. After three weeks of practice, I can hit all the notes and my lungs no longer struggle to hold them.  I love the way she encourages me. Tells me that she’s impressed, admits whens she does things wrong. She tells me when I’m wrong and gently moves me back to center. I can’t help but think back to every other music instructors I've had, to the man who made me hate my voice.I don't do so with the bitter scorn I used to. I smile. Shes never told me I sound like a rodent or compared me to a dying animal. Instead, she there to adjust my voice, tells me that its like an instrument, with fine tuning anyone can sing well. With fine tuning, my voice can be great. She points out the things she likes, what others will like,. We end with a reminder that next week I’ll perform. I’m looking forward to it, but I do feel a bit of nerves stir in my stomach. I’ve sang in front of people a few times, I love to be in front of an audience.  I wander down to trio, the best place to get lunch and feed myself. Chili cheese dog on a slice of wheat bread. I spend some time down there, shooting the breeze with the instructors and some of my fellow students. We talk about graduation, what we want to do afterwards. I give one of them my 60-second sell on AmeriCorps. Once socialization draws to a close, a find a coloring page and doodle. At 3pm, my dicipline alarm goes off. Its time to do my homework. I feel inspired, I’m ready to do it, so I head back to my dorm. Again, the air makes me want to mess off, spend my time outside. Spring fever has begun to set in. I can hardly wait to finish my work so that I might frolic in the fresh grass. When I get into my dorm, my calico Luci Fur, greets me with a trill and rolls onto her back. She loves to flaunt her belly and I’m the only one aloud to pet her there. My laptop rests on the bed, open and playing her favorite playlist. A Dethklok song, Murmaider, thrums its heart beat sound. I spend a fw minutes rubbing her belly and bumping my head along with the beat before I slip the computer onto my lap. I get some work done, not as much as I should, before I take a small cuddle break. Luci is being too cute not to snuggle. I put the laptop next to me and lay down across the bed. I wiggle, trying to find a comfortable possition. Luci purrs and extrends her claws into my face. She pulls me closer. One of my legs is still folded underneath me, the weigth of my body cutting off blood. I pull it out, trying to do so without having to move anything else. My foot pops free and strikes into something hard with the full force of my strength. I feel my laptop fly off of the bed and hear it land. I cant look. I know its broken. I dont need to get up to look. I shielf my face in lucis chest.  I dont want to look.  I force myself and find that, infact, the screen is destroyed. The upper right corner is a mess of sprider webs, fracturing out across the screen. The rest of it is a chalk white, struggling to blink back on.  It’s ruined. I’m such an idiot.  Immediately, I look at the time, its not past 5, which means that the IT guys will probably still be in there office. WIthout wasting another second, I shove the technology into its case and rush it to the hospital, like it was my loved one. My voice is tight while I explain whats happened. He doesn’t laugh, he looks quite sympathetic. He explains that theres little he can do, but hooks it up to a spare monitor anyway. He gives me a flash drive and helps me move my files. He tells me I’ll need a new screen but he’ll put it in for free.  The screens range from 50-200$ and I have all of 4$ in my account. Once I get what I can onto a flash drive, I wander back towards my dorm. Texting my bestie, I find comfort in her sympathy, though we both know theres nothing to do. My family is not well off but I reach out to my mom anyway. Without my computer, I’ll fail.  I tell her what happened and she tells me, regrettably, she has no money. Her voice is sullen and a little defensive. My other siblings would be quick to rage about this. Im sad, but I tell her its ok. It’s my own damn fault, anyway. We spend some time trying to brain storm. I consider taking another loan from the school, but on top of being that much more owed, it’ll take over a week to process. My brother has a computer that he connects to his tv and uses for nothing else. I consider asking if we could switch until the semester is over when my mom intturupts. She’s been struck by genuis. She can bring me her old television and an HDMI cord. The tv was destined for donation; what better way to rehome it then giving it to her child? She excitedly tells me she’ll come over as soon as she’s had her evening coffee and hangs up. Despite the over reaching cloud to depression, I find my sunshine. This will be like a desktop, in some ways better than what I had before.  I spend the next hour or so chatting on the phone with my bestie. She reads me her story, teasing me with the unfinished chapter. She finishes just in time, my mother has arrived. She brings me dinner and we spend some time enjoying each others company. Its been several weeks since the last time we got to hang out. She doesn’t feel great and heads home.  I set up the television and connect my computer. Ready to finish my homework, I push the televisions on button. It shifts awkwardly under my finger. Nothing else happens.

I meddle with it.

Its broken.

For the first time I feel the cascading wave of defete crash into me. It hurts. My eyes begin to sting, filling with tears. Who the fuck did I piss off? I want to scream, jump up and down and cry.

Of course, I dont want to bother any of the little snow flakes, so I just stare at the two screen. One blank and emotionless, the other a twitching, shattered mess. With a deep breath a turn the tv towards me and examine the button. I fiddle with it for several minutes. I will not let this happen. 

Mark me, if I have to tear this apart and rebuild the entire thing from bolts, I will.

The tv lights up, a dim blue-grey glow. 

It works!

I take a picture, send it to my mom and bestie before I sit down and finish my homework.

It’s after midnight. My day is finally over. My head has begun to hurt again, but I’m not ready for bed. Instead, I get on tumblr and blog about the day I’ve had.