#ok im gonna pass out now byee gn

[goblinoid-wretch]

late night rambles again yippee

i have been stricken by two sudden realizations:

I need to be weirder

I've been spending too much of my life wasting away

Now, to explain:

1. There are so many cool and creative ideas that I see that I never take any initiative to follow. Like for instance those sketchbook pieces with like 5 different scraps of paper and various drawings all across them where it's this giant splash of colors and lines. That shits beautiful, that shit has personality. I'm so deeply caught up in making my pieces perfect and ensuring every line is exactly as i envision it that i can never complete them. And this goes for writing too: there are so many ideas i'd like to write (or share) that i haven't because my brain goes "noo its cringe you can't post it anywhere" or "noo irs incomplete you can't send it when it's less than perfect." And then I look at the writing of other people and go "oh this is the most beautiful piece of writing ive ever seen and it's incomplete and about two characters from some big game that i could never write about for fear of misinterpreting the characters." And its not just art-wise! I need to be weirder with my clothes and my appearance and everything! And I should also stop phrasing it as "need" cause that makes it seem like something I dont want to do. I *want* to be weirder!

And then, number 2: I've been doing basically nothing with my life for the past ?? years. Just sorta rotting in front of my computer, playing whatever game holds my fancy at the time. Hepling my family when they need it. Granted, I'm getting better at doing things - I'm going for a job interview today (should probably sleep) and I've been getting about the process of physically transitioning. But still, there's so much i want to do thst I just dont do. Cause a game's more important. Cause a game's easier. Cause I cant be damned to do anything particularly difficult and reap the rewards from them. I still look basically the same as I did in the first year of highschool. Hair's grown longer, sure. Different glasses. Maybe a bit taller. But still the same bland, blank monotone shirts, same sweatpants, same hoodie, same jacket. I need to will myself to change, to detach from the husk that I've been. When I die, I'd rather it be as a grand bonfire that's burned to embers rather than a tiny candle drowning in its own protective wax. If that makes any sense.

So, synthesizing these points into something a bit more actionable:

I want to become more confident in my own actions and thoughts.

I want to become okay with imperfection and the good that may come of it.

I want to become better at expressing my own wishes and living for myself.

I need (not want here, because it's still far too easy and alluring to slip into the trap of playing a game for 6 hours and burning the day away) to break away from the traps of easy distractions.

I want to become a more authentic version of myself (as cliche as that line sounds - therapist's cited that word-for-word to me countless times but it rings true)

Anyway, song time:

I know Metaroom ain't exactly breaking any boundaries in terms of "weirdness" but I like this one. Very fast-paced, very bouncy, very erratic. A damn sight weirder than the most popular music generally, so its a start. Strong bass, good breaks. Big fan.