#ok enough hot takes sorry had to be a hater for a second

[heartyearning]

like okay this is controversial and whatever to say and im sure i'll disagree with myself as early as tomorrow but it's like people forget that actors arent actually the artists behind movies and tv shows and what have you but that actors are artistic-tradesmen as much as anyone else on a film set. like i can only speak from beauty dept experience of course and i know im biased because no one on earth has a single clue how much goes into costuming a movie except for those doing it (and even then...) but the idea that actors are the Auteurs of the projects theyre in is fucking hysterical. like i have every respect for actors i do but being real with you these bitches dont do half as much work as we all do behind the scenes and thats fine obviously but why does this culture like. exist. why. its so crazy to me AND THIS COMING FROM A GUY WHO QUITE LIKES THE CRAFT OF ACTING DGMW

not trying to get at this person specifically and to an extent i understand that this movie could be polarising but anyway none of that is impt i just. i know i rage on letterboxd one liners so often but this is the disease of star power and let me be clear i suffer from it as much as anyone but this concept of person > character (by which i mean: celebrity character created by media maintained by audience and made personal by fan > story and functional element of the media engaged with) is crazy. it's fucking crazy. can't exactly remember who started this trend but wasnt it that shakespeare actor in the 18th/19th century who put special effects in his costume anyway he was a bitch and when you get to heaven you can tell him i said so

[neirawrites]

I was a Twihard in high school. Then I was a Twilight hater. In  2018, I decided to reread the first book, to see for myself on which side I belonged. I wrote my thoughts as I read, in multiple parts, but on my main blog, so I thought I might share them on my writeblr too, because I kinda had fun with it. 

Enjoy my many, many notes

Pages 0-50

I’m actually kinda into it. Yeah, there are a many issues every article on editing tells you to fix (filter words, -ing verbs and things like that), but i feel it. I don’t know what it is, but it’s there.

Bella isn’t that bad of a protagonist. Nothing too spectacular, but she’s fine. She is depressed, self sacrificing and hides her feelings, but also a lot more self aware than i though she would be(like when she notices mike, my son, likes her). She’s a typical teenage girl, the introverted type, way into reading. there’s nothing wrong with that.

I don’t know why i remember Edward being a draco in leather pants,but he’s also fine for now. mysterious and handsome and a bit weird. The first real conversation they have, he’s polite and nice and charming. I expected him to be a dick for like 150 pages at least.

Pages 50-100

I’m still really into it.

Yeah,Edward kinda ghosts her/gaslights her after the whole van incident, but with the benefit of hindsight,i kinda get it. It’s a wonder he didn’t pick up his entire family and moved to Alaska again. I also get her mood during that time and I've been there so i feel ya,Bella,it’s not your fault.

And yeah, Bella gets invited to the dance by three different guys and it’s all kinds of fan fic-y, but the fact she turns them down furthers my belief she’s wake up married to Edward in like a few years and realize she would rather be with Rosalie (a solid choice, might i add).

Edward’s really pushy, especially when it comes to the scene after she faints. like, let her go, you jerk, she can drive herself, but he’s more weird than he’s a jerk and i think that was intentional.

A big surprise was the line “what if i’m not the hero, what if i’m the bad guy?” which isn’t this super cheesy, extra dramatic sentence but a jokey joke told with a laugh. actually, that whole conversation in the cafeteria where she tries to guess what he is is gold and don’t try to tell me otherwise.

I’m reading her interests in him as less of a romantic thing, and more of frustration at his behavior,like she would still be fascinated by him if he wasn’t so hot because he’s just so weird (but being hot is definitely a plus).

Plot? What plot?

Still, while the flaws are there, i’m still enjoying it very much.

Pages 100-150

Is Stephanie Meyer into anime? Cuz she wrote a harem light novel,that’s what she did and that’s how i’ll read it from now on and have more fun doing it. (Might make a post elaborating on this further).

All this to say that we got to Jacob. Not gonna lie, I kinda forgot about him.  He seems like a nice kid and i’m glad Bella has some positive interaction. Team jacoj 4 life (jk,man,i was team jasper in high school which is in retrospect very weird of me). I know he becomes a friend-zoned dudebro later, but for now, he’s fine.

Meyer, lady, you’re winning me over as a half hearted defender of your work, but why are the girls so bitchy? Yeah,i know, bitchy girls exist in real life, especially in high schools,but girls are our friends and we need more positive female on female interactions. Just my personal preference, I guess.

Things are getting interesting. Bella’s dreaming weird dreams (just fyi, not a big fan of dream scenes in general), she’s googling like crazy  and we’re going to Port Angeles.

I never felt she has any sort of affection for Angela or Jessica who seem really nice and have done nothing wrong. Like loosen up Bella, give them a chance. I know, depression makes you into a bitch sometimes, but it would warm me up to her character if she was a little more affectionate with people around her.

That whole scene where she almost gets at best beaten up and mugged and at worst raped and killed is… not my favorite part of the whole thing. I get what Meyer needed to do, to have her be saved by Edward, but there must have been a better way to go about it. What do I know? I’m the queen of forced plot contrivances. I do like their conversation at the restaurant (again, why do we hate the female waitress, Steph?). I don’t know why, I expected Edward to be mad at Bella for what happened to her and he seems genuinely concerned and his anger feels… human. Some of his actions, however, do not.

He stalked her which is weird and creepy and I hate it. Don’t stalk people, Edward. most of us don’t like it. you’re lucky Bella’s a weirdo.

150-200

I kinda love how ok she’s with the whole vampire thing. she’s just “well, this kid i barely know told me a scary story, so i guess the guy from school is a vampire. it be like that sometimes.” my first assumption would be it’s all an elaborate prank to make fun of me (i have some deep seeded trust issues origins of which remain unknown). and he’s waaay to quick to confirm her suspicions. I think there’s an explanation in the part of midnight sun that got leaked, but that was like a century ago.

I would criticize her for being ride or die with Edward so fast, falling in love with him so quickly, but i exchanged like 5 sentences with a cute girl last night and a part of is ready to propose based on the artiness of her instagam, so who the eff am i to judge?

and i get why he’s fascinated with her. she’s the only one he can’t read.

why? i don’t think that question ever gets a good enough answer, but it’s a fictional story about a girl falling in love with a sparky vampire. i’m not here for complex science or detailed explanations.

he seems waaay too protective of her. She’s a big girl, Ed, she can take care of herself. It’s actually kinda annoying. i dislike how he treats like a child a lot of the time. he seems pretty condescending. also, if he broke her car, i’m taking back everything nice i said about him.

ok, let me finally address bella’s biggest character flaw, her clumsiness. i mean, i get why she has it but Meyer goes a bit too hard on it. i’m clumsy, i really am, full of bruises, always bumping into things, but Bella can’t walk 20 meters without tripping. i guess i’m just glad she becomes a vampire in the book four, otherwise the book five would have been about her struggles when she’s diagnosed with a stage four inoperable brain tumor that’s been mesing with her sense of balance and the whole things turns into a weird version of the fault in our starts.

if i were writing it i would focus on her trust issues and being unable to form real bonds with other people as her main flaw, maybe even use it to try and justify the whole thing with the mind Edward can’t read. Like, she’s too different in a way that makes her unable to connect even on a basic level, like that one Blue whale that sings at a different frequency than all the others. Idk,i write pulpy sci fi. but it’s easy to be a general after the battle.

we got to the two infamous lines:

how are you? 17. how long have you been 17?  is another line that’s more jokey than i though it would be, but also the most realistic piece of dialogue in this book. i would so ask the same thing.

About three things I was absolutely positive. First, this paragraph has been memed to death. Second, there was a part of me-and I didn’t know how potent that part might be-that would know every word of it till the day i died. And third, I was unconditionally and irrevocably in like with it.

200-300

Not gonna lie, the whole part where he goes around asking her questions he is legitimately interested in knowing the answers to is at the same time my kinkiest fantasy and my deepest fear. like, yaaas, daddy, get to know me on the personal level and don’t be turn off by the fact i’m a tabula rasa.

We got to the infamous meadow scene and Bella is sooo horny on main for that vampire stake it’s actually kinda funny. She gets so effing into it she faints. I fucking love this girl. Go get that adonis dick, Bella, you deserve it.

I don’t mind vampires sparkle.i mean,it’s lame and fanfic-y but in Bosnia we have the lampires so vampires are creatures with a high dose of plasticity. i don’t know why that was like the worst thing anyone has ever done to the vampires. They are kinda too strong and could use a real weakness tho.  

So the lion fell in love with the lamb is kind of another joke. Also, this is the skin of a killer is sadly just in the movie.

I do have the feeling he likes the project that he sees in Bella more than the real girl,but ok. Also stop nagging her. He watches her sleep. What a creep. I don’t know why, but the fact that he’s a vampire who doesn’t have to sleep makes it kinda less creepy for me. I don’t know why.

But “if i could dream at all i would be about you,” is the kind of ultracheese i can get behind. they are both such teenagers and i kinda looooove it.

Also non of the boys were her type is such a lesbian excuse. I feel ya Bella, i feel ya. I hope you discover your gayness after the end of breaking dawn.

We meet the cullens and every single one of them has a backstory like 528 times more interesting than Edward. i need novels about them, all of them ffs. it would be so cool. but, one of my favorite oc’s Errien Lark gets like 30 lines in the whole book so i can only be as harsh on Meyer as on myself (which is to say a lot. neither of us deserve these characters, honestly)

This book would have been more interesting if Bella fell in love in any other cullen. Like, Bella and Alice, Bella and jasper (Bella and Jasper and Alice. Sorry, i’m into solving love triangles with ot3s).Bella and Rosalie, Calilise, Esme, even Emmett, who i remember  as mike of the vampires, but it’s been a decade.

300 pages in and plot is yet to happen, but it’s ok. we have the vampire baseball next.

the last part.

get your hot takes! hot takes right here

I kinda like billy. He seems like a nice guy. Also billy/charlie as my new otp.

“The beautiful one,the godlike one.” Bella, you are such a teen.

The less fucks she has about him being an all powerful ancient creature of the night who can murder her in a heartbeat, the funnier it is. She is just soo casual about it. Comedy gold, i tell ya. i mean, this is actually part of the narrative, Edward comments on it, meyer knows what she wrote.

Ed,maybe is you stopped saying she smells good, you would be better at not thinking about her as food. Mind over matter. Just a thought. Maybe i misjudged his virgin ass. Maybe ed the incel actually fell in love with her. Or at least what he thinks is love since they’ve been dating for like two days (look who’s talking?the girl who reads any sign of affection as a statement of love and then gets disappointed).

“Emmett could never be compared to a gazelle”. That’s sexist steph. Emmett, honey, you are as gracious as you want to be.

Also a big yaaaas on the whole concept of vampire baseball. we needed more of it.

Plot! Plot! Plot! Plot! Plot!

We have encountered plot. Only 320 pages in. three bad vampires came into town.

Story time: when i was in high school, all like 20 of us in out class were really, really into twilight (dudes included). we quoted it all the time but the height of comedy happened when someone brought their friend from another school to out class and someone else was like “you brought a snack” and a meme was born to be quoted endlessly for months. it was actually kinda fun. and probably very annoying for anyone who wasn’t into twilight.

Also, any development? Backstory? Motivations other than for the hell of it for out boi James and his ginger girlfriend? come on, it wouldn’t even be that hard. Also, some foreshadowing? There was like one line before. This is a legitimate criticism. it’s kinda shitty writing and a wasted opportunity.

Edward is being a dick again. I get he’s scared but her dad could die. Or maybe they’ll trun him into a vampire too (charlie/Edward? Think about it). But they all call him out on it which is nice. Bella’s plan isn’t bad, but “let me go charlie” is the straight up coldest thing i have read in a long time. it’s supposed to be, this isn’t criticism, just stating the obvious. But she showed like an inclining of love for her dad who has been nothing but nice all this time. Yeeey, she’s not a robot.

“It was the best idea. Of course it was mine” . Yaas, queen, you’re not that much of a doormat;  take that credit.

i would do something to foreshadow the ballet studio thing in the first half of the book. at least, have Bella or Charlie looking at pictures from her recital, just to intricate it to the plot a bit more.

Ok, now i remember why i was team jasper. He is so effing nice. And he would be awesome for my depression. Neira/Alice/jasper, i ship it.

i’m kinda digging the explanations of how vampires work and the whole venom thing. They are still op af and need to be nerfed, but i wanna be one.

Of course, he used the mom. She’s like the only person bella actually cares about. She falls for it. i would probably fall too, but i’m dumb.

the fact that james hunted Alice is a nice and a very much needed twist. it did catch me of guard. i would be more mad he’s a bad guy monologing, but i can only introduce stones to my own glass houses.

Bella’s now more into the idea of being a vampire than into Edward and i’m living for it. she’s going to use him for his venom and a baby and run off with rosalie.

“and how many times did she fall our of a window?” (yes, that is a Sherlock reference in the year 2018 of our lord. maybe i should do that for my next project. should i wait a few more years?)

her mom is not worried enough, honestly. my mom would be freaking out. but my mom has anxiety issues, so idk… (i couldn’t get her smooth hairless legs, or her blue eyes but i got that gene. thanks, i guess) .

“And i have a couple of girlfriends” now that’s a novel i want to read but i guess i’ll have to write the lesbian twilight myself.

“I want to be superman too”. yeeees, finally, kristen steward in the role of superman casting of the century. you would all watch it and love it, and you know it.

Charlie doesn’t deserve this shit. when will he retire with his husband billy in their cabin where they can fish all day.

“Do you want me to bolt the door so you can massacre the unsuspecting townsfolk?“ Are we sure she hasn’t been a vampire from day one?

Jacob is a sweetie (for now) just putting that out there.

Edward is kinda being unreasonable. being a vampire in your universe isn’t that bad.

Aaaaw, and that’s a wrap.

i actually kinda digged it. it’s nothing special, but i read these last 150 pages in one sitting. my main issues are writing oriented. very little foreshadowing, many filter words and things like that, but i guess if you aren’t that into writing, you might not even notice more of that.

it’s not the death of literature, it’s not the worst love story ever told. it’s just a silly and mostly harmless wish fulfillment novel.

edward can be a controlling and condescending prick but he gets called out on it very often. it’s not like meyer is completely oblivious to what she’s writing. and even tho he’s 100, i guess they are all mostly stuck mentally at the age when they were turned. or at least that’s how it seems to me. bella is kind of a bitch to everyone who’s not a vampire and she’s never called out on it, there’s a glimpse of change in the epilogue, but i don’t think meyer really considered it a character flaw. which is a shame, as it could have made for an interesting character. all the vampires have stories i would rather read about, as i said before, but what can ya do? that’s what’s fanfics are for.

i may write more of cohesive thought on it when it settles in my brain, but first, i need to watch the movie. i have a hypothesis i need to test.

but i don’t regret doing this. it was kinda fun and now i’m no longer ashamed of my twihard phrase. i could have done worse, as far as teen phases go.

Someone should like write a fanfic, but Edward is not a vampire, but a rich guy. And he’s into some hard core spanky business. And they should take all the problematic elements and just crank them up to 11. And add a looot of sex. I bet they could make millions.

Tho, honestly, how can you read twilight and not make bella the kinky dom? you fundamentally misunderstood the story. for shame

[brujeria-histeria]

Swimsuit hacy fic

Macy owned no swimsuits currently, her last regular swimsuit, she grew out of and the other one was a beach patrol bathing suit she owned from her second year of college when she got to do a special semester of marine biology and chemicals in a coastal city. 

Macy was also not one to really show off too much of her “assets” and instead usually chose to wear long flowy clothing or long sleeve shirts. So when Maggie proposed for the 4th of July, 2 days away,that they have a pool day at this fancy resort an hour into town, Macy panicked a bit. 

“Maggie it sounds wonderful but it takes me entirely too long find a suitable swimsuit to cover everything properly.” Macy did not want to make excuses, while she could usually find a nice fitting top, she had a shapely and curvaceous butt that did not like to cooperate with swimsuit season. 

“Macy, you’re have the body of a model, what swimsuit isn’t going to fit you?” Maggie deadpanned.

“Its not my size, it’s just that… I always get a little shy when I’m in a swimsuit. I never know if its too much or.” 

“Oh, no we’re gonna fix that.” Maggie waved her hand and got up to leave. “Don’t worry I’ll find you something perfect.”

For some reason Macy was nervous about Maggie getting her a swimsuit, and she had good reason to be because Maggie needed to confirm an unspoken attraction Harry had for her older sister, and now was the best time to see it in action. 

——————————————————————————————-

2 days later on the morning of fourth of july, maggie had arranged for them to get into the secure resort via a kappa member who worked there, although she begged Harry to let her use his credit card to book it because they would stay the night. Which he relented as long as she promised to behave accordingly so they wouldn’t get fined. 

the hotel room was huge, and more like a fancy apartment, which Harry nearly fainted when she told him how much the room actually went for, but sighed in some relief when she said her friend got it for them at a regular room rate. The girls would share one bedroom while harry would take the other. 

They all got ready for the pool & lounge below and put on their swimsuits. Mel had on a cheetah print monokini and matching cover up, Maggie wore a hot pink & leaf print bikini that had a bustier top and coverup which mel bought for her. Harry had on of course, a burgundy pair of swimming trunks and, ugh, a Hawaiian Shirt like a true DAD, and the Jesus 4000 sandals. 

“Harry, we need to have a sift through your closet.” Maggie shook her head. 

“What?” he said glancing down at himself. 

Mel laughed and teased Harry for looking like such an uncle. “People are gonna think you’re our dad or something.” 

“I don’t look old enough to be your father! Maybe Maggie but-”

“You look old enough in that outfit.” Mel teased. 

the last sister Macy, had not emerged from the room yet, she whispered to maggie to come help her tie the back. Once maggie was in the room, Macy hadn’t even put on the swimsuit. 

“Maggie what the hell is this??” she whisper-yelled pointing to the navy blue strappy, very limited material of the bikini that Maggie bought her. 

“A swimsuit Dr. Vaughn.” Maggie blinked. 

“I cannot go down there wearing this!” 

“Macy, I am so sick of you covering yourself up out of shame, that she be something you only do if you want to.” 

“I do want to.” 

“Yeah only because you still for some reason believe you can’t be sexy and smart. You’re a strong woman, and plus all of us have to give the haters something to talk about. Own how smoking hot you are.” 

“What haters?” Macy looked around confused.

“The haters of life.” Maggie shooed. “We’re gonna head down, meet us down there and don’t look like a nerd, if you can last an hour I’ll let you have my coverup.”

Macy pursed her lips, she was too old to act the same way she has been since she was a body conscious 14 yr old. This was the year of trying something new.

—————————————————————————————–

“Where’s your sister? She taking an awfully long time, and we’re going to lunch soon.” Harry asked.

“She’s coming….” Maggie hoped she was coming, it had been 30 minutes. 

“Maybe her bathing suit tore or something?” Mel suggested. Hm I could help her go get another one.

“No no no, I picked this one out myself and I have great taste. Harry you’ll be begging me to help me after you see Macy.” 

“Why would I-” Harry stopped mid sentence and just stared wide eyed, at the absolute vision coming across the concrete of the pool side. It was Macy with a very skimpy, very strappy, hip hugging bikini. He gulped. 

“I-I- well uh, I.” He stuttered out. 

Maggie grinned to see her sister coming across the pool side, with the heels on, which Maggie also sabotaged for her to only be able to wear those knowing Macy would never go barefoot in public.

“OH MY GODDESS.” Mel laughed. “Macy you look incredible!” 

Macy blushed as she approached, while Harry still said nothing, duly noted by Maggie, all he did was simply stare.

“Harry, you ok there.” Maggie prodded. 

“Uh, um, yes, I just uh, have never seen your sister’s stomach before…..” he trailed off. 

“Mm hm.” Maggie reclined in her chair. 

——————————————————————————————-

The rest of the day was full of drinks, food and Harry fending off the plethora of thirsty men from hitting on his three charges, looking extra jealous when they hit on Macy, who he tried very hard to look her in the eyes at all times. Dammit Maggie. 

He didn’t know what the youngest was up to, but she was obviously schememing, she grinned at his blushing face whenever he turned away from Macy. He considered not drinking tonight to avoid hiccups but Maggie was already shoving mimosas in his face and Mel handed him tequila shots, two of which she got free from the female bartender who chatted her up. 

Harry was enjoying himself nonetheless, until maggie pulled him and Macy onto the dancefloor then left them both there while she ran to “get drinks”. Harry muttered awkwardly, while Macy gave her signature awkward grin, they stood silently until the movie bodies bumped into them, pushing them together. 

“I’m not much of a dancer.” Harry looked down. 

“Me either, well I danced ballet, but uh I was never really into club dancing and stuff, you know boundaries..” Macy rambled. 

Maggie watched from afar, even if they didn’t dance it was satisfying to see those two adorable nerds turn new shades of pink and red. 

“Uh, I’m not one for the, erm grinding, either, perhaps let’s just slip off while Maggie isn’t here. Macy nodded and led Harry by the hand who felt a jolt of electricity and then heat around his neck, which earlier he remedied by jumping in the pool, but they were a bit aways from the pool and the only way through the crowd at this point was toward the balcony garden.

“Macy, I must say, I’ve been acting strange today, I’m sorry if I made you feel uncomfortable, given, well….”

“You’re fine Harry. I’ve never seen so many shades of red before.” she giggled. 

“Ah well yes, the color of it, suits you. You honestly look good in any color.. Maybe I should have Maggie pick my closet, you look amazing.” Harry rubbed his neck, and looked Macy in her eyes. 

“Do you wanna, stay here to look at the fireworks, I think this is good spot, while everyone is too busy on the dance floor. I mean we’ve got an hour but,”

“I’d love to stay here with you.” Harry smiled. 

[randombtsprincessa]

Accendo

Author: Randombtsprincessa

Characters: JHope x Reader

Words: 2.2k

Genre: Fluff, Angst if you squint, Cracky?? 

Summary: The Awkward Moment when the Sun God falls for you.

Warning: Mentions of battle and injury.

The flick of a cool breeze brushed into your small room, bringing with it a streak of dawn light. Your lips twitched in slight discomfort but your eyelids stayed shut adamantly whiled the sunlight strengthened, twisting into a masculine shape.

The shape stayed fixed on its spot for a moment, head tilted at you before with an almighty breath, it let out a call which would rival the best cock in the world – yes, that was literal.

“Rise and shine beautiful, it’s a gorgeous day outside!”

Your eyes flew open, mouth dropping as you gaped at the intruder in your room, equal parts of horror and anger blossoming in your chest.

“Hoseok, what the ever loving fuck do you think you’re doing?” You hissed, hastily gripping your blankets and pulling them right up to your chin, narrowly missing punching your face.

“I just wanted to see my little petal before going off.” He sighed happily and to your dismay began to actually take form in your room.

Fiery red hair came first, followed by a chiseled face and a slim, athletic body as Jung Hoseok; Apollo himself in all his glory walked to your bed and clambered in beside you. It took you all of two seconds to react.

“Hoseok, get out of my bed, now!”

“Now, don’t be like that.” He grumbled, placing two hands under his head, smiling serenely. “I maybe a god, but I get tired too. Five more minutes,” he said.

You stared at the brazen god in your bed with annoyance written clearly across your face before you gave up with a huff. It was still too early to deal with Hoseok’s shamelessness and you had to be up in an hour anyway.

“Oh, I was wondering if you would go with me to Zeus’s recent bash.” He murmured.

“Nope,” you snapped immediately but the God very conveniently let out a snore.

Making sure you were wrapped safely away from the lascivious gaze he might train on you, you quickly went back asleep, later waking up to find him gone but with a feeling you were going to see your patron God very soon again.

Greek Gods…

Yes, that’s right. Your Percy Jackson stories had turned out to be right, maybe with a few intricacies. Ancient Gods still resided in modern times, in reincarnated bodies, very much alive and in the flesh.

You had been a botany student being pressured to take pre-med by your forceful parents when you’d stumbled – all piss drunk and about to collapse – on to the God of Sun…in a very similar state.

In your inebriated state you had deemed him to be a good sort of lay, all shiny hair and fitted leather and you had invited him to join you but soon enough you were spilling your tragedy to the man, who listened lying eagle spead on your floor, half closed mouth mumbling before he gave you a blinding smile and a preposterous story with an even more so solution.

He was a Greek God – ok so he looked hot enough to be one – and he could take you away and dump you in a camp where ancient medical knowledge was provided under his tutelage and patronage, because he was also the patron god of healers. That did not seem very strange to you, until of course he mentioned that the camp was in Greece.

“Dude, I’m all for guys who can make me laugh in bed but can we wait till we’re naked?” you asked and he’d smirked before snapping his fingers.

In a blaze of flames and folded light, you and he were standing in the middle of a valley, full of beautiful flowers and fruit laden trees. Over the fences you could see small huts, hundreds of them, sprawling over miles and you gaped, your entire buzz gone as you spun to the smug God.

“All of this could be yours. I’ll even see you get one of the best huts and be your personal patron. Just say yes, gorgeous.”

If he thought you were going to be awed, the next minute he was frowning when you smacked his chest – hard.

“What the hell, you can’t just drag me over to Greece! Take me back, now!” you’d screeched and it had taken him a few second to snap his fingers correctly to get you back in your living room, this time alone.

Neither did you get laid nor did you have a good night’s sleep.

Your anger hadn’t lasted two days when another call from your parents, questioning your life had made you snap at them that you were taking a med course in Greece. That had silenced them and even though you knew it was a compromise; at least you’d still be near plants.

Conjuring up Hoseok again had been another night of drinking and taking home a very, very annoying and touchy God.

Of course, having a god as a personal patron came with more jobs than one; you basically had gained a small eager Labrador who wanted to parade you everywhere. You soon learned that Hoseok hadn’t personally provided patronage to anyone since eons and while you were flattered, it didn’t escape your notice that it was due to your incomplete conquest of sleeping with him and that he was probably only doing it to get into your pants.

Not to mention, this made many of the girls at the camp hate your very guts. The only person who was willing to hang out with you was a tall, spectacled boy named Taehyung. He always made it a point to let you know he was your only friend and to be grateful for his strength at keeping your haters at bay.

Hoseok was a generous teacher though. He gave you a tour of Olympus and all the special ingredients only found there, introduced you to his family even.

Zeus or his reincarnation Jin was as beautiful as legend told, the throne next to him occupied by a regal woman named Jisoo who could only be his wife Hera.

Athena you met in a college protest, a tall man named Namjoon who yelled about government conspiracies so loudly that even Hoseok, probably the loudest God alive winced.

Next was meeting his twin, Artemis, or Yoongi in this generation, his skin pale as moonlight and hair woven silver as he took one look at you in Hoseok’s golden chariot, hanging on for dear life and face palming himself; probably already knowing his brother’s playboy ways.

Meeting Ares and Aphrodite, or Jungkook and Jimin had nearly gotten you killed.

Hoseok had sent you to retrieve a shield and while you had rolled your eyes as being made to clean up after a man, the sword at your throat from the red eyed man was enough to make you cry, before Hoseok had appeared laughing and cajoling the man.

It was Jimin who had saved you, eyeing you and Hoseok before smiling, a little giddily and murmuring to Jungkook who had smirked but not before glaring a warning at Hoseok. You had refused to accompany Hoseok on any more excursions, making him pout for a good time.

Safe to say, it was only Yoongi who you liked in his entire barrage.

“Wow, you look like shit.” Taehyung muttered first thing as you joined him in pruning the rose bushes.

“Yes, thank you,” you grumbled before he slinked closer.

“God happened to visit you that we won’t name?” he whispered, making you groan.

“He woke me up at five…can you imagine and then passed out in my bed!” You hissed back, before going off on a rant about how annoyed his presence left you.

“Um, Y/N,” Taehyung suddenly gulped and you whirled around, your pruning shears up in case someone thought you needed another bath in dung manure.

Only, it was just sparkled and shimmers as Hoseok materialized in the middle of the rose bushes.

The sharp gasp of people around him prompted him to raise his hands in a calming manner but the shit eating grin on his face told you he enjoyed it as he looked at the head of your batch.

“How are we my beautiful healers? All well, I hope,” he said.

The head woman nodded desperately in the face of his allure and Hoseok smiled widely.

“Fantastic, I have come to ask my dear Y/N to accompany me to Zeus’s bash. Isn’t that exciting?” he said.

There was a heavy pause in which your grip on the shears tightened, Taehyung took a visible step back and the girls all turned to give you unsavory looks.

“Yes, it is indeed.” The Head said and the God turned to you.

“Well, you’ll go, won’t you?” he pressed.

“I…”

You wanted to throw something at his perfect face for this new low reached but with the people eyeing your every move it was impossible so you forced a tight grin.

“Of course, my lord,”

“You’re absolutely horrible.” You said first thing as Hoseok started to open his mouth, his hands already pointing toward some glowing flowers. He wanted to show you a new batch he needed picked over the valley and while it was a good fifteen minute hike, he’d snapped his fingers and voila.

“I’m sorry?” he turned to you in confusion.

“You think you’re so cool and then pull that dick move.” You hissed.

“You mean asking you at the pruning chores? How is that low? I’d think you’d be more than glad to leave pruning and a God asking you to Zeus’s party is considered an honor.” He frowned.

“It was considered an honor. It’s the twenty first century, Hoseok! Besides if I wanted a God, I’d go for one that acted like it.” You snapped.

Darkness brewed behind Hoseok’s eyes and for a second you reminded yourself that he was, after all, a god, capable of burning you where you stood.

“I don’t act like a god?” he asked.

“Admit it, you’re being nice to me only because you want to sleep with me.”

“That’s not true! I’m being nice because I actually like you!”

“Sure, and look where that got Cassandra.” You replied snidely.

Hoseok’s face paled.

“That was ages ago. I have changed.”

You snorted.

“Make me believe that.”

Hoseok stood still for a few second before he was disappearing, turning holographic and then melting away completely, leaving you alone with a bunch of glowing plants.

Your sleep was again disturbed by a God.

You groaned in annoyance wondering why Hoseok was back. He had disappeared for a whole of two days. The sun still rose but he never showed up in your room after that fight you had.

So when you opened your eyes, you were fully expecting the blaze of heat, not a sliver of moonlight in which stood Hoseok’s twin, Yoongi.

“Y/N, you need to come with me. Now,” he said, his eyes blown wide open.

“What’s wrong?” you asked, not missing the urgency in the god’s voice as you shuffled to sit up.

“It’s…it’s that wretched brother of mine. Took on a bunch of Pythos, but almost lost; He needs a Healer.” Yoongi gulped and that was when you saw the state in which he was in.

White robes muddied, pale hair tousled, he looked like he’d just survived a battle.

“I’ll go fetch the Head.”

“No, we don’t have time and he asked for you.” Yoongi snapped before he was waving a hand, twisting light into a bag of ingredients.

“All you’ll need is in here. Come with me.” He said.

Unlike Hoseok, Yoongi didn’t transport you anywhere, instead walking with you at a brisk pace till the lake, where you gasped when you spotted Hoseok’s chariot.

Apollo’s golden sigil was splashed with mud and what looked like slime, the wheels splintered and the flag post had snapped. The glow it usually exuded was dimmed.

“He’s inside.”

You didn’t wait for any other words from the God of the Hunt, quickly moving to scramble into the huge chariot and then you saw him.

His red hair was darkened, cuts on his hands and face glowing golden with clotted Ichor, the golden blood of Gods and you placed a hand at his forehead to feel him burning up more than usual. He had a fever.

“Hoseok…Apollo, hey, can you hear me?” you asked, slapping his cheeks lightly as you fetched some bandages and clear lake water to clean his wounds.

Hoseok’s eyes opened, glowing orange before setting back to brown.

“Y/N…you came,” he whispered.

“Yeah, I can hardly not come when my patron calls.” You mumbled, placing a cool cloth against his head.

“You…you said I wasn’t a God, so I…”

“Tried to be one? By taking on some goons you know you’re going to need help with?” You asked, hurriedly running ointment on his cuts.

“It was stupid but I didn’t know what else to do.”

“Don’t smite me, but you are stupid.” You sighed before settling back.

“You’re already healing, I think you’ll be fine.” You said.

“Yes,” Hoseok sighed, pushing himself up into a sitting position.

You got to your feet before looking down at your God.

“Hoseok,” you called, making him look up. “Don’t be late when you pick me up.” You said before climbing down the steps and walking away.

The god blinked in surprise before smiling in victory.

[sporadic-writer]

Mrs. All American pt. 3

Harrison x Reader

Warnings: swearing, mentions of alcohol and partying, but that’s about it

Also this may be considered long.. Idk I just wanted to write and kept going.

Summary: the three of you prep for the party.

Yeah that’s a boring summary but it’s all I got ok?

Part 1 here! Part 2 here!

°••°••°••°••°••°••°

It was around 11:45 in the morning. Tom and Harrison were hanging out in Tom's kitchen while he made some lunch. Both men had been up for a couple of hours. You however, had yet to emerge from your room.

"Should we wake her up? It's almost 12." Harrison looked to the direction of your room then back to Tom who simply shook his head no.

"Nah she usually wakes up between 10 and 1. Broad range but it's how she is. I will guess though that she will be up soon." He wiped his hands off of crumbs and looked at his sandwich. "Man I could be a chef. This looks amazing."

"Mate, last time you made soup you burnt the fucking pot so badly you had to throw it out."

Rolling his eyes he replied. "Yeah but no heat involved this time so all is good." He turned to clean up and get a drink and failed to see you come up to the island.

You smirked and made a shush motion to Harrison. Quietly, you grabbed the plate and moved to sit next to Harrison. Then you grabbed half of the sandwich and took a bite. It was around then that Tom turned around and noticed you.

"Hey sleeping beauty made it up before 12. Proud of you!" He seemed to take no notice of the theft that took place. Grabbing his cup he took a sip and turned back around. You suppressed a laugh along with Harrison. Then he turned back around and went to grab where his plate was. He stopped as you were on your second bite. Confused, he looked around and then his eyes met yours. While chewing you maintained eye contact. "You bitch! Give that back!" He leaned over and snatched the plate. At this point everyone was laughing.

"Dude that didn't even click right away for you. I got 2 bites deep. Tasty by the way."

"I made that myself. You don't deserve it!" You noticed the purpose and guard he had while eating. You simply laughed more. While sitting you felt Harrison's hand on your back and heard him speak up.

"Let him have it love. It apparently is a major accomplishment in his life that he performed a basic life skill." Tom flipped his friend off and you slipped off the chair. Moving around the island you brushed your hand on Harrison's arm, mentally noting how strong he felt. You were a sucker for nice arms and good abs and Harrison was the jackpot for both in your eyes. The abs were yet to be seen, but you knew. Call it female intuition.

"Tom, not being able to cook just confirms the privileged actor stereotype. Don't let the haters be right. Now where do you keep your pans. I'm makin’ eggs." He told you were they were and you began preparing your breakfast.

With your back turned you didn't see a set of blue eyes look at you fondly. However, your ears heard him speak to you. "You know how to cook?" He saw you nod yes. "Lovely! Now teach Tom here. You really are just light years ahead of him."

"Oh I am. Speaking of being better than you! When do you want to do that rematch boy?" You looked at him, away from your pan of scrambling eggs. Although, Harrison was in the dark.

Tom scoffed. "We can do it whenever you want. You won on because of lag and I still call bullshit."

"Anyone want to fill me in?" Harrison felt the slightest ping of jealousy that you and Tom had inside jokes and stories. He knew that you knew him longer and all that. But he pushed it down. After all, you weren't kissing Tom on the couch last night.

Your voice brought him back to reality. "He and I played a series of Call of Duty: World War 2 games and I won overall and he got pissy. He also claims I only won because of lag on his end. I say he's a sore loser." As you finished your sentence you plated your eggs and stuck your tongue out. Then you sat back down next to Harrison.

"When you're done I'm kicking your ass." In a condescending manner, you nodded your head to play along. You sat and ate your eggs while he finished his sandwich.

Eventually both of you finished your food and Tom dragged you to the couch and turned on the TV.

"Can we use the Xbox? I'm trash on Playstation."

He groaned. "Fine. Either way I'll win. But we play a few public rounds to warm up and then I pick the first style of game we play."

"Whatever. Neither of us has played in a hot minute so let's see how this goes." You cracked your knuckles and the 3rd person in the room simply watched in amusement. Plus, he thought it was kind of attractive you knew how to play video games. You were cool as hell, played video games, and could cook. He found the most well rounded girl in the world. He watched both of you play some team deathmatch and he had to admit, you weren't horrible. You knew what you were doing and held your own.

Tom left the lobby and you looked at him. "Ok I've gone positive the whole time. So I am either set or it's all downhill from here. How about instead of 1v1 we just see who does better each round of a public game? 1v1 is boring."

"Fine but I'm picking the first game." His voice got sly and he smirked. You watched in fear as he selected your worst game mode. "Get fucked Y/N."

"Noo can't we just play regular team deathmatch or like kill confirmed? People kick my ass in any hardcore mode."

The non-player spoke up to settle everything. "Just play free for all and whoever is higher is better. Duh."

You and Tom looked at each other and agreed. Then you made your classes and played for a while. Harrison tried to make a joke about you only using SMGs and like 1 assault rifle. All you did was respond with a “careful Harrison” in a warning tone and he backed down while laughing. In the end, Tom came out better than you by 2 games. Once Tom got his moment of being a sore winner out of his system you asked the boys how the party was going to happen. Harrison spoke first.

“I say we go to the liquor store first. I want to see the guys face of us buying so much shit before 2 pm.” He came up behind you on the couch. You leaned your head back and smiled up at the blue eyes above you. He winked at you in a flirty manner.

Picking your head back up you looked to Tom. “Now Tom, not to be a smart ass,” he scoffed, “shut it. But will people say something about you running into a liquor store then buying a ton?” You looked at him and he went into thought.

“I guess it wouldn’t look great for someone through Disney to clean them out. But take my card when you go. I will get food and some stuff. That way it looks fine. Plus, we can still get trashed.” Everyone agreed with that plan. “Ok so Haz you and Y/N go get the booze, enough to make all our livers cry, and I will get other stuff. Meet back here.”

So you and Harrison went off to the store after you changed into some shorts. Luckily, booze was a generally understood and universal concept. Everything was sorted out as usual, but this time there was a few different European selections, and an American section.

“So what do you want? Tom made the mistake of leaving us his card, so we can get top shelf stuff.” Harrison looked to you with mischief in his eyes. You liked it, but the good friend in you told him no need to go crazy.

Walking towards the vodka, grabbing some schnapps, you turned to scold him. “I am not taking advantage of my rich friend. I will get some stuff on my own. But I don’t see the harm in the bulk coming from him. Nothing crazy though, we get a lot and get make sure we get drunker than a French skunk. Put down the Everclear! I did that my freshman year and don’t remember a thing past the second shot.”

“That’s impressive! But fine at least grab the Ciroc and that kind of nice stuff. If we are going all out for this then we are doing it right. No protests! You only party in London once love.” He grabbed some various vodka bottles and you got a couple other varieties of rum, whisky, and some silver tequila. Between you both you looked like you could restock the busiest pub in town.

As you were walking out of the store you asked him, “Hey wait. Who all is coming to this tonight anyway? I only know you, Tom, and his family.”

“Uh I think the twins, some of his Marvel friends, and some of our friends along with co-stars.” He spoke as if it was a normal thing to casual get trashed with celebrities. However, you stopped right at the car.

“I’m sorry did you say Marvel people and co-stars?! Like it’s nothing? I can’t meet famous people! And I for sure can’t get trashed in front of them.” You looked at him as if he had lost his mind.

The bafflement on his face was clear. “Why not? You know Tom. They are normal people. It’ll be fine. We don’t hate your presence, neither will they. And they don’t care if you get drunk. I have seen plenty of Tom’s Marvel co-stars get very drunk. The co-stars are around our age it’s fine.” His words made you feel a little better, but the nerves were there regardless. Both of you drove back and carried everything into Tom’s apartment. He turned to you both as you came in.

“Awesome you’re back. The food, pizza mainly, is ordered and will be here on time. People will start showing up around 7 I think.” You nodded. That gave you plenty of time to get ready. Since celebs were going to be there, you wanted to look your best. Tom spoke again and snapped you out of your planning. “I say we be ready by 6 or half past and pregame just us."

"Works for me. I am going to make a drink myself to sip on while I get ready."

"Y/N you literally have like 3 hours." The boys looked at you like you were crazy.

"True. But I like getting ready early so it can settle and I am not rushed. I like to take my time. Don't worry I'll be ready before 6." You made a vodka cranberry and walked off to start your process. Admitting it to no one, you were excited to get ready. This kind of stuff was fun, you got in the zone and did your thing. Eventually, you found yourself in a towel trying to work the shower. Every time you use a new shower, it’s like trying to solve a Rubik’s cube. You sighed and gave up hope.

From the main room the boys heard you yell that you can’t work the shower. Both looked at each other after. Tom smirked and looked back to his phone. “You go. I know you want to.” When Harrison didn’t move he spoke again. “What are you waiting for?! A hot girl is waiting in a towel. Have you ever seen American Pie?”

“Shut it mate. You’re an idiot.” He got up and started walking towards where you called from.

From the couch the actor mumbled, “At least I didn’t freeze when a girl called needing help with the shower.”

You heard the knock at the door and said come in. Expecting Tom, you smiled when Harrison walked in instead. “Sorry.. I just don’t know how to get the water started.”

“It’s fine love.” You thought it was cute how he was trying, trying, to look anywhere but you. What a gentleman you thought. The smile on your face and the blush on his was adorable.

“Harrison, you’re allowed to look at me. It’s a towel, not the direct blaze of the sun.” His blue eyes met your e/c ones and he smiled faintly at you.

Turning the water on then scratching the back on his neck he smiled again and said, “Sorry, I just didn’t want to be rude.”

He started walking out and you said it’s totally fine and that you didn’t mind. As he shut the door you thanked him and slipped in. Music playing and you singing along put you in a good mood. Taking your time, you enjoyed the hot water with your nice travel products. Plus,Tom had a nice shower.

Soon your shower was done and you slipped out to your room. Keeping the towel on you put on some lotion, brushed your hair, put in some product, and sat down to begin your makeup. This didn’t take long, it was just that you took your time to get it right. You kept YouTube music and videos playing. Hair drying, drink being drank, and makeup looking on point made you feel damn good. It’s like Iiza Shlesinger said, ‘You know when you look hot.’ Your clothes weren’t even on and you felt great. The nerves of famous people being around lessened. You were relaxed. Next thing you did was drop the towel and put your outfit on. Luckily, you asked Tom what kind of a party this was going to be. He told you to dress like you were going to a casual club with your friends; so a simple but sexy outfit. No need to dress for a popular club in LA or New York, but not jeans or basic stuff. This was more than your college parties so you put your simple black dress. It was the kind that could be worn at a party, a cocktail dinner, or even a funeral (not to be morbid, but to note that it is still formal and not too slutty) it just mattered how you worked it. Zipping it up, you grabbed your black platforms and stood up. Unlike most girls, you liked wearing heels. Yes, they hurt by the end of the night but it was fine. Not to mention, at school you didn’t wear them out too much since you would walk back around outside more. That and you were typically lit when you did. Friends leaning on each other were no held if they were just as gone. But not tonight! For the finishing touches you swapped out a couple rings, put on your leather and Alex and Ani bracelets, and your earrings and necklace. Doing one final look over in the mirror, you were satisfied. The time read 5:38. Perfect. Spraying some perfume on, you went to see what the boys were doing.

Walking out you heard the microwave go off and smelled popcorn. You noticed Tom was in a nicer shirt and shoes. Harrison changed as well into some more appropriate clothes. His jeans were darker and his red shirt looked good in contrast to his light hair, which was brushed and styled a little. As Tom turned with the popcorn, he heard the clack of your heels as you approached and leaned on the island. He whistled lightly, you blushed and smiled, and Harrison looked up and his jaw dropped. Never before had you made a man’s jaw drop and it simply added to your confidence. 

“I don’t know about you guys, but I am ready to party.” Your eyes lingered on Harrison and the corner of your lips turned up. You finished your drink and took a grab at the popcorn. Tom made you a new one while Harrison kept his eyes on you. He took in how you looked more dressed up compared to your cute and casual looks from before. In his mind, you looked sexy. No doubt about it.

Despite his mind being rattled, “Y/N you look great,” is all he managed to get out.

Tom nodded and set out three shot glasses. “I gotta agree. On vacation you never dressed like this.”

“Well that was me in high school. An awkward dork who didn’t do this stuff that often. Let alone know how to do it well. But I have a few years of college under my belt. You haven’t seen me in action Tom.” The shot glasses were filled with Ciroc. You all cheered and downed the shots. When you didn’t wince, both became impressed. Even they coughed or cringed a bit. You grabbed another. You could hold you liquor quite well and knew a couple shots to start would be fine until later tonight. After downing the second easily you walked over to Harrison and put your hand on his shoulder. His arm went to your waist.

From the other side of the island Tom just looked at your shot glass, back to you, smiled and said, “Shit. This is gonna be a great night.”

°••°••°••°••°••°••°

Next chapter will be the party. Sorry if this wasn’t enough Harrison and stuff, you don’t like the swearing, or the booze was something you didn’t like.. Also, this may be boring to you. Idk I like the “domestic” and simple writing sometimes. Nice filler and fun is always good.

As always, I hope those who read liked it. Feel free to comment, like, and reblog!

[auxilium00755]

Late Night Chat

Late Night Chat Newt had been reading the “A tale of two cites” on his black leather chair while in his casual black t-shirt and sweat pants when he got a text on his iPhone. He sat the book down Newt looked at his phone and saw the message was from friend Adam. Adam had sent a text asking Newt if he could talk to him tonight. The request it self wasn’t out of the ordinary as the two did regularly have late night chats. He texted Adam ‘sure, just knock on the door when you get here.’ Not two-seconds passed that a knock was heard causing Newt to drop his book in fright. Grumbling to himself about how he needs to pick better friends he walked over to the door and opened it slightly to check if it was Adam. Sure enough it was him, though why he was at Newt’s apartment and not the hospital was a mystery. Adam was wearing plain dark blue jeans and a yellow t-shirt and his dark hair was more of a mess than normal. Rather being it’s light brown color Adam’s face was more purple and red. He had a left black and his lips were all cut up and leaking blood by the cups, his right cheek faired no better as it had swollen into a fleshy purple ballon. “Are you going to let me in or are you gonna just stand there staring?” chuckled Adam. “What in the world happened to you? I thought you couldn’t be hurt?” Newt inquired as he opened the door for him. “I might have gotten carried away a bit with my hero hobbit thing?” Adam said though haggard breaths. “You have super: strength, speed, healing, and are able to breath both atomic fire and ice. So how in the world can you still get hurt?” Newt questioned while he all but carried Adam over to his couch. “Well having super powers doesn’t mean I free from getting hurt it just takes a bit more to do it is all,” he said as he laid his back on the couch to ease his aching body. Walking over to the sink to pour Adam some water Newt replied with “I guess that makes sense.” Grinning a bit Adam answered, “Yep and for this week’s addition of wacky stunts of mine I caught a train. You know, that train that almost fell into the street earlier this week.” Struggling to grasp what Adam had just said Newt inquired for both clarification and his sanity “I’m sorry did you say you caught the train that almost fell into the street this week?” Adam tilted his head toward the ceiling causing his neck to pop disturbingly loud. “Succeeded and paid for it,” he said as he lifted his bandaged hands. Stumbling a bit at the absurdity, Newt had to take a moment to take in the situation he was in. Here he was giving water to someone who earlier this week had stoped a train with his bare hands. Despite being a vampier himself and having met some rather unique beings Adam was by far the strangest person he has so far met. Which he supposed wasn’t entirely a bad thing as being friends with Adam has kept his life supplied with excitement. Handing Adam his water Newt chuckled “You know even after a year of being friends ,you still find ways to surprise me.” After taking a sip from his cup Adam gave Newt smirk of a smile “Well that’s interesting for you to say. Seeing how you were the one who said he did’t want to be friends with an idiotic lunatic.” “Heh, yeah guess I jumped the gun on my judgment on that one,” Newt said looking down at the carpet in shame. He was not in the best of places when he had met Adam. Newt had been recently kicked out of a prestigious magical university for being in position of illegal dark artifacts. He knew someone had planted them in his dorm room, but without suspects to name it was the words of a vampire versus the evidence of the crime. Only a few days had passed after his departure from the university when Newt decided one night to take a walk around the New York streets. He was hoping a long walk would clear his mind of his troublesome situation. Coincidently during his walk through streets of New York a certain would be hero would just so happen to be thrown at him through the window of a store. “To before fair, you did break my arm on the night we met, “ Newt stated as sat back on his couch. “Really Newt? For the millionth time, that was not fault. I was just trying to buy some milk when some thugs busted in wanting to rob it. The whole getting thrown through a window was not something I planed on doing that night,” a slightly annoyed Adam shot back. Smirking Newt carried on “And I suppose you replacing one of my blood bags with hot sauce was also not your doing?” With a deer caught in the head lights look plastered over his face Adam nervously laughed “Um, I was dared?” Raising his right eye brow Newt asked “Dared by whom?” “Um, my conscious?” Adam answered as he scratched his head in embarrassment. Rolling his silver eyes in amusement Newt said to him “Your conscious huh? Some hero you are.” Sighing deeply Adam replied with “Heh, yeah I guess I am a sorry excuse for a hero.” Worried his words may have packed more of a sting than he intended them to, Newt attempted to rectify this “Look I didn’t mean that, I was just messing with you dude.” Adam gingerly sat up to look at his friend in his silver eyes with his one working eye he said “No, that actually brings me to I am here. I came here to let you know you were right this hero business is best left to folks who know what they are doing. So I’m gonna quit being a hero.” ’I must be low on blood or something cause I think just heard Adam say he quits,’ Newt thought to himself as he processed the words that came out of Adam’s mouth. The same Adam who a had jumped into a burning building to save a family of goblins. The same Adam who stoped a mob of alien haters from lynching a newly arrived group of extraterrestrial refuges by freezing all their feet to the street. This was the same Adam ,who did all those things and more, who just said he was quitting. “I’m sorry could you run that by me again? Did you say you quit?” Newt asked bewildered by the notion Adam was even thinking about quitting. Adam gazed down on the carpet as though he was looking for the answer to the question. Without looking up Adam somberly answered “I said I quit. You were right, this hero gig wasn’t meant for me.” Newt recalled the day dumped all over Adam’s hero plan. It had been a few weeks of being friends that Adam explained to Newt about his plans to bring hope to the world they lived in by becoming a superhero. Though Newt had barely knew him at the time the thought of Adam throwing his life away for something so foolish was something he could not accept. Despite the many protests of both their fiends and himself Adam began his heroic mission of bring hoping back into the world. “It’s been almost a year since you started this hero thing and you pick now to actually think this through?” Newt asked flabbergasted by Adam’s declaration. “Look I’m not proud of it either but honestly what choice do I have? I mean just look at me, does this really look like the type of hero who can make the world a better place?” he said while he gestured toward his broken body. Fighting the urge punch his good eye Newt said through gritted teeth “You chose to be a hero, to give the people something to believe in. But now when the going gets tough you are just going give up and leave everyone hanging?” “Why are you getting so upset? I thought you hated this hero thing anyway?” asked a puzzled Adam. Taking a deep breath to calm himself, “Yeah I did hate it. I hated because I thought it was going to get you killed but now…”Newt couldn’t bring himself to finish his thoughts. “But?” Adam sarcastically asked. Hearing the audited in his tone Newt fired back, “You are such a selfish jerk you know that?” As quickly as his injured body would allow him Adam got off the couch and headed toward. He didn’t care if the journey back to his own apartment would kill him. Far as Adam was concerned, death was more appealing to him than listing to Newt berate him for things he didn’t even understand. Newt hoped up to his feet to stand in between Adam and the door, “Where do you think you are going?” Letting a tired sigh escape Adam replied “What does it look like I’m doing? I’m leaving to go home.” “Not before you promise not to quite,” Newt demanded as he spread his arms and legs further to block Adam from the door. “Newt as a friend I feel I should let you know you are dangerously close to being chucked across your own apartment. Now get out of the way,” growled Adam. Newt simply glared at Adam in response. He was fully aware that he would have better luck at stopping a rhino than stopping Adam. Though he couldn’t actually stop Adam from leaving he still had to try, no matter what. Running his bandaged left hand through his black messy hear Adam said “Alright have it your way.” Adam snatched Newt’s shirt and prepared to make due on his threat until Newt cried out “Wait a minute, wait a minute, at least tell me why you are quitting. Don’t I get that much?” Adam took a moment to consider this then he asked “Do you really want to know?” “Yeah, I do,” Newt demanded. Shaking his head, “Ok, let’s go sit down first.” “Alright,” Newt said, letting his arms relax. They walked back to their respective seats in uneasy silence. Newt took a quick glance at Adam’s face, the weary look of his eyes betrayed the youthful vigor that Adam would normally give off. Whatever had transpired this week seems to have allowed Adam’s true age to catch up to him. Taking a few moments to collect his thoughts Adam began “I was chasing a group of Russian mobsters who had stolen a cache of military grad weapons. One those nut jobs noticed a nearby rail way bridge and fired. Lady Luck must have been peeved with me because not a second later a train was heard coming from a few blocks away. I broke away from the chase to keep the train from crashing…” Adam had stopped abruptly as though he had hit a wall in his story. Speaking softly so as to not provoke him Newt asked “What happened next?” With his one working eye, Adam stared Newt eye to watery eye “Well I stopped it but.” Taking in huge gasps of breath Adam had to fought the urge to breakdown then and there “But the sudden stop of the train injured a lot of the folks on board.” Streams of tears poured down from Adam’s eyes and through unending sniffles Adam carried on “One of them was a kid barely seven years old, he fell on his neck. After the doctors did what they could the parents were told he would be paralyzed from the down.” At a loss for words, Newt could only watch as Adam finally let himself break. Wanting to relieve Adam of some of his internal anguish Newt sat next to him and placed his arm around him. Whether Adam was aware of his actions or not it wasn’t clear as he continued to cry. Newt just rubbed his back all the while searching for the words that could bring his friend back. Minutes seemed to stretch into hours as Adams sobs carried. Though fatigue was setting in Newt was in no rush to sleep, not while his friend was in pain. He continued to rub Adam’s back until he remembered something special he had tucked away in his closet. Though the occasion he was originally supposed to present it was not for another three months, desperate times do call for desperate measures. Standing up gently Newt sneaked his way to his bedroom to fetch said item. Adam’s sobs had barley began to reside when Newt returned and presented him with a large black box wrapped in gold ribbons. Whipping away the tears, he looked up at Newt for an explanation. “It’s supposed to be a birthday present, but I figured now seemed like a pretty good time to do it,” Newt nervously laughed as he scratched his head. Giving him a puzzled look Adam returned his gaze to the box. He then took the box into his trembling hands and opened it. What resided in the box was hundreds of numbers of papers. “Those papers are from people who have been helped by you. From kids whose pets you helped find to cops whose lives you saved. They had written their thanks on a website dedicated to you as a way to say thank you. I just printed them out,” Newt explained. Astonished by what he was holding, Adam couldn’t help but notice the box was still too heavy to only have paper in it. “Um what else is in it? I mean the letters are great but it feels like something else is in here?” “That would be your suit,” Newt chuckled as he padded the top of Adam’s head. Confused at what he meant Adam stuttered “My suit?” “Yeah, we figured it would help you out a bit if you had something that wouldn’t get shredded when you do your hero stuff. So our friends and pulled a few strings and got the materials to make a suit for you.” With tears swelling up again Adam could only choke out one word “Why?” Sighing, Newt asked Adam “First off do you know why I ended up taking up your offer of being friends?” Adam looked as though he was searching for the answer in Newt’s eyes. After a few minutes passed ended he up conceding and shaking his head. Adam well and truly did not know why Newt became his friend. Kneeling down in front him Newt gently pulled Adam into a hug then softly spoke “Its because you were the first person in a long time to see me as a person and not just another vampire out for blood. Do you still want to know why I don’t want to see you stop being hero?” Fighting another breakdown form erupting Adam answered “Yes, please.” Holding Adam tighter Newt replied “Its because you give that same kindness to all the people you help. You don’t see any of the vast types of mythical or extraterrestrial people as anything less than people. In a world that likes to keep separated by how they look or how they were born, that type of kindness is a miracle. Its a miracle all of us: your friends, the people you’ve helped, and I want to support.” Streams of tears were pouring down from Adam’s eyes as he meekly said “Thank you.” Ruffling Adam’s hair a bit as he stood up Newt studied him for a bit. “Now I’m gonna go get some junk food for us to pig out on. Will you be fine while I’m gone?” he asked a bit worried his friend might do something drastic. Gazing into Newt’s silver eyes, Adam gave a wide toothy grin that partly restored his lost vigor “Yeah I’ll be ok and thanks again for everything.” Newt replied with a grin “Hey what are friends for?”

[definetly-not1000bees]

To my haters

to my haters who say I am 1000 bees, I am not. However,

According to all known laws of aviation,   there is no way a bee should be able to fly.   Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the ground.   The bee, of course, flies anyway   because bees don't care what humans think is impossible.   Yellow, black. Yellow, black. Yellow, black. Yellow, black.   Ooh, black and yellow! Let's shake it up a little.   Barry! Breakfast is ready!   Ooming!   Hang on a second.   Hello?   - Barry? - Adam?   - Oan you believe this is happening? - I can't. I'll pick you up.   Looking sharp.   Use the stairs. Your father paid good money for those.   Sorry. I'm excited.   Here's the graduate. We're very proud of you, son.   A perfect report card, all B's.   Very proud.   Ma! I got a thing going here.   - You got lint on your fuzz. - Ow! That's me!   - Wave to us! We'll be in row 118,000. - Bye!   Barry, I told you, stop flying in the house!   - Hey, Adam. - Hey, Barry.   - Is that fuzz gel? - A little. Special day, graduation.   Never thought I'd make it.   Three days grade school, three days high school.   Those were awkward.   Three days college. I'm glad I took a day and hitchhiked around the hive.   You did come back different.   - Hi, Barry. - Artie, growing a mustache? Looks good.   - Hear about Frankie? - Yeah.   - You going to the funeral? - No, I'm not going.   Everybody knows, sting someone, you die.   Don't waste it on a squirrel. Such a hothead.   I guess he could have just gotten out of the way.   I love this incorporating an amusement park into our day.   That's why we don't need vacations.   Boy, quite a bit of pomp... under the circumstances.   - Well, Adam, today we are men. - We are!   - Bee-men. - Amen!   Hallelujah!   Students, faculty, distinguished bees,   please welcome Dean Buzzwell.   Welcome, New Hive Oity graduating class of...   ...9:15.   That concludes our ceremonies.   And begins your career at Honex Industries!   Will we pick ourjob today?   I heard it's just orientation.   Heads up! Here we go.   Keep your hands and antennas inside the tram at all times.   - Wonder what it'll be like? - A little scary.   Welcome to Honex, a division of Honesco   and a part of the Hexagon Group.   This is it!   Wow.   Wow.   We know that you, as a bee, have worked your whole life   to get to the point where you can work for your whole life.   Honey begins when our valiant Pollen Jocks bring the nectar to the hive.   Our top-secret formula   is automatically color-corrected, scent-adjusted and bubble-contoured   into this soothing sweet syrup   with its distinctive golden glow you know as...   Honey!   - That girl was hot. - She's my cousin!   - She is? - Yes, we're all cousins.   - Right. You're right. - At Honex, we constantly strive   to improve every aspect of bee existence.   These bees are stress-testing a new helmet technology.   - What do you think he makes? - Not enough.   Here we have our latest advancement, the Krelman.   - What does that do? - Oatches that little strand of honey   that hangs after you pour it. Saves us millions.   Oan anyone work on the Krelman?   Of course. Most bee jobs are small ones. But bees know   that every small job, if it's done well, means a lot.   But choose carefully   because you'll stay in the job you pick for the rest of your life.   The same job the rest of your life? I didn't know that.   What's the difference?   You'll be happy to know that bees, as a species, haven't had one day off   in 27 million years.   So you'll just work us to death?   We'll sure try.   Wow! That blew my mind!   "What's the difference?" How can you say that?   One job forever? That's an insane choice to have to make.   I'm relieved. Now we only have to make one decision in life.   But, Adam, how could they never have told us that?   Why would you question anything? We're bees.   We're the most perfectly functioning society on Earth.   You ever think maybe things work a little too well here?   Like what? Give me one example.   I don't know. But you know what I'm talking about.   Please clear the gate. Royal Nectar Force on approach.   Wait a second. Oheck it out.   - Hey, those are Pollen Jocks! - Wow.   I've never seen them this close.   They know what it's like outside the hive.   Yeah, but some don't come back.   - Hey, Jocks! - Hi, Jocks!   You guys did great!   You're monsters! You're sky freaks! I love it! I love it!   - I wonder where they were. - I don't know.   Their day's not planned.   Outside the hive, flying who knows where, doing who knows what.   You can'tjust decide to be a Pollen Jock. You have to be bred for that.   Right.   Look. That's more pollen than you and I will see in a lifetime.   It's just a status symbol. Bees make too much of it.   Perhaps. Unless you're wearing it and the ladies see you wearing it.   Those ladies? Aren't they our cousins too?   Distant. Distant.   Look at these two.   - Oouple of Hive Harrys. - Let's have fun with them.   It must be dangerous being a Pollen Jock.   Yeah. Once a bear pinned me against a mushroom!   He had a paw on my throat, and with the other, he was slapping me!   - Oh, my! - I never thought I'd knock him out.   What were you doing during this?   Trying to alert the authorities.   I can autograph that.   A little gusty out there today, wasn't it, comrades?   Yeah. Gusty.   We're hitting a sunflower patch six miles from here tomorrow.   - Six miles, huh? - Barry!   A puddle jump for us, but maybe you're not up for it.   - Maybe I am. - You are not!   We're going 0900 at J-Gate.   What do you think, buzzy-boy? Are you bee enough?   I might be. It all depends on what 0900 means.   Hey, Honex!   Dad, you surprised me.   You decide what you're interested in?   - Well, there's a lot of choices. - But you only get one.   Do you ever get bored doing the same job every day?   Son, let me tell you about stirring.   You grab that stick, and you just move it around, and you stir it around.   You get yourself into a rhythm. It's a beautiful thing.   You know, Dad, the more I think about it,   maybe the honey field just isn't right for me.   You were thinking of what, making balloon animals?   That's a bad job for a guy with a stinger.   Janet, your son's not sure he wants to go into honey!   - Barry, you are so funny sometimes. - I'm not trying to be funny.   You're not funny! You're going into honey. Our son, the stirrer!   - You're gonna be a stirrer? - No one's listening to me!   Wait till you see the sticks I have.   I could say anything right now. I'm gonna get an ant tattoo!   Let's open some honey and celebrate!   Maybe I'll pierce my thorax. Shave my antennae.   Shack up with a grasshopper. Get a gold tooth and call everybody "dawg"!   I'm so proud.   - We're starting work today! - Today's the day.   Oome on! All the good jobs will be gone.   Yeah, right.   Pollen counting, stunt bee, pouring, stirrer, front desk, hair removal...   - Is it still available? - Hang on. Two left!   One of them's yours! Oongratulations! Step to the side.   - What'd you get? - Picking crud out. Stellar!   Wow!   Oouple of newbies?   Yes, sir! Our first day! We are ready!   Make your choice.   - You want to go first? - No, you go.   Oh, my. What's available?   Restroom attendant's open, not for the reason you think.   - Any chance of getting the Krelman? - Sure, you're on.   I'm sorry, the Krelman just closed out.   Wax monkey's always open.   The Krelman opened up again.   What happened?   A bee died. Makes an opening. See? He's dead. Another dead one.   Deady. Deadified. Two more dead.   Dead from the neck up. Dead from the neck down. That's life!   Oh, this is so hard!   Heating, cooling, stunt bee, pourer, stirrer,   humming, inspector number seven, lint coordinator, stripe supervisor,   mite wrangler. Barry, what do you think I should... Barry?   Barry!   All right, we've got the sunflower patch in quadrant nine...   What happened to you? Where are you?   - I'm going out. - Out? Out where?   - Out there. - Oh, no!   I have to, before I go to work for the rest of my life.   You're gonna die! You're crazy! Hello?   Another call coming in.   If anyone's feeling brave, there's a Korean deli on 83rd   that gets their roses today.   Hey, guys.   - Look at that. - Isn't that the kid we saw yesterday?   Hold it, son, flight deck's restricted.   It's OK, Lou. We're gonna take him up.   Really? Feeling lucky, are you?   Sign here, here. Just initial that.   - Thank you. - OK.   You got a rain advisory today,   and as you all know, bees cannot fly in rain.   So be careful. As always, watch your brooms,   hockey sticks, dogs, birds, bears and bats.   Also, I got a couple of reports of root beer being poured on us.   Murphy's in a home because of it, babbling like a cicada!   - That's awful. - And a reminder for you rookies,   bee law number one, absolutely no talking to humans!   All right, launch positions!   Buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz! Buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz! Buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz!   Black and yellow!   Hello!   You ready for this, hot shot?   Yeah. Yeah, bring it on.   Wind, check.   - Antennae, check. - Nectar pack, check.   - Wings, check. - Stinger, check.   Scared out of my shorts, check.   OK, ladies,   let's move it out!   Pound those petunias, you striped stem-suckers!   All of you, drain those flowers!   Wow! I'm out!   I can't believe I'm out!   So blue.   I feel so fast and free!   Box kite!   Wow!   Flowers!   This is Blue Leader. We have roses visual.   Bring it around 30 degrees and hold.   Roses!   30 degrees, roger. Bringing it around.   Stand to the side, kid. It's got a bit of a kick.   That is one nectar collector!   - Ever see pollination up close? - No, sir.   I pick up some pollen here, sprinkle it over here. Maybe a dash over there,   a pinch on that one. See that? It's a little bit of magic.   That's amazing. Why do we do that?   That's pollen power. More pollen, more flowers, more nectar, more honey for us.   Oool.   I'm picking up a lot of bright yellow. Oould be daisies. Don't we need those?   Oopy that visual.   Wait. One of these flowers seems to be on the move.   Say again? You're reporting a moving flower?   Affirmative.   That was on the line!   This is the coolest. What is it?   I don't know, but I'm loving this color.   It smells good. Not like a flower, but I like it.   Yeah, fuzzy.   Ohemical-y.   Oareful, guys. It's a little grabby.   My sweet lord of bees!   Oandy-brain, get off there!   Problem!   - Guys! - This could be bad.   Affirmative.   Very close.   Gonna hurt.   Mama's little boy.   You are way out of position, rookie!   Ooming in at you like a missile!   Help me!   I don't think these are flowers.   - Should we tell him? - I think he knows.   What is this?!   Match point!   You can start packing up, honey, because you're about to eat it!   Yowser!   Gross.   There's a bee in the car!   - Do something! - I'm driving!   - Hi, bee. - He's back here!   He's going to sting me!   Nobody move. If you don't move, he won't sting you. Freeze!   He blinked!   Spray him, Granny!   What are you doing?!   Wow... the tension level out here is unbelievable.   I gotta get home.   Oan't fly in rain.   Oan't fly in rain.   Oan't fly in rain.   Mayday! Mayday! Bee going down!   Ken, could you close the window please?   Ken, could you close the window please?   Oheck out my new resume. I made it into a fold-out brochure.   You see? Folds out.   Oh, no. More humans. I don't need this.   What was that?   Maybe this time. This time. This time. This time! This time! This...   Drapes!   That is diabolical.   It's fantastic. It's got all my special skills, even my top-ten favorite movies.   What's number one? Star Wars?   Nah, I don't go for that...   ...kind of stuff.   No wonder we shouldn't talk to them. They're out of their minds.   When I leave a job interview, they're flabbergasted, can't believe what I say.   There's the sun. Maybe that's a way out.   I don't remember the sun having a big 75 on it.   I predicted global warming.   I could feel it getting hotter. At first I thought it was just me.   Wait! Stop! Bee!   Stand back. These are winter boots.   Wait!   Don't kill him!   You know I'm allergic to them! This thing could kill me!   Why does his life have less value than yours?   Why does his life have any less value than mine? Is that your statement?   I'm just saying all life has value. You don't know what he's capable of feeling.   My brochure!   There you go, little guy.   I'm not scared of him. It's an allergic thing.   Put that on your resume brochure.   My whole face could puff up.   Make it one of your special skills.   Knocking someone out is also a special skill.   Right. Bye, Vanessa. Thanks.   - Vanessa, next week? Yogurt night? - Sure, Ken. You know, whatever.   - You could put carob chips on there. - Bye.   - Supposed to be less calories. - Bye.   I gotta say something.   She saved my life. I gotta say something.   All right, here it goes.   Nah.   What would I say?   I could really get in trouble.   It's a bee law. You're not supposed to talk to a human.   I can't believe I'm doing this.   I've got to.   Oh, I can't do it. Oome on!   No. Yes. No.   Do it. I can't.   How should I start it? "You like jazz?" No, that's no good.   Here she comes! Speak, you fool!   Hi!   I'm sorry.   - You're talking. - Yes, I know.   You're talking!   I'm so sorry.   No, it's OK. It's fine. I know I'm dreaming.   But I don't recall going to bed.   Well, I'm sure this is very disconcerting.   This is a bit of a surprise to me. I mean, you're a bee!   I am. And I'm not supposed to be doing this,   but they were all trying to kill me.   And if it wasn't for you...   I had to thank you. It's just how I was raised.   That was a little weird.   - I'm talking with a bee. - Yeah.   I'm talking to a bee. And the bee is talking to me!   I just want to say I'm grateful. I'll leave now.   - Wait! How did you learn to do that? - What?   The talking thing.   Same way you did, I guess. "Mama, Dada, honey." You pick it up.   - That's very funny. - Yeah.   Bees are funny. If we didn't laugh, we'd cry with what we have to deal with.   Anyway...   Oan I...   ...get you something? - Like what?   I don't know. I mean... I don't know. Ooffee?   I don't want to put you out.   It's no trouble. It takes two minutes.   - It's just coffee. - I hate to impose.   - Don't be ridiculous! - Actually, I would love a cup.   Hey, you want rum cake?   - I shouldn't. - Have some.   - No, I can't. - Oome on!   I'm trying to lose a couple micrograms.   - Where? - These stripes don't help.   You look great!   I don't know if you know anything about fashion.   Are you all right?   No.   He's making the tie in the cab as they're flying up Madison.   He finally gets there.   He runs up the steps into the church. The wedding is on.   And he says, "Watermelon? I thought you said Guatemalan.   Why would I marry a watermelon?"   Is that a bee joke?   That's the kind of stuff we do.   Yeah, different.   So, what are you gonna do, Barry?   About work? I don't know.   I want to do my part for the hive, but I can't do it the way they want.   I know how you feel.   - You do? - Sure.   My parents wanted me to be a lawyer or a doctor, but I wanted to be a florist.   - Really? - My only interest is flowers.   Our new queen was just elected with that same campaign slogan.   Anyway, if you look...   There's my hive right there. See it?   You're in Sheep Meadow!   Yes! I'm right off the Turtle Pond!   No way! I know that area. I lost a toe ring there once.   - Why do girls put rings on their toes? - Why not?   - It's like putting a hat on your knee. - Maybe I'll try that.   - You all right, ma'am? - Oh, yeah. Fine.   Just having two cups of coffee!   Anyway, this has been great. Thanks for the coffee.   Yeah, it's no trouble.   Sorry I couldn't finish it. If I did, I'd be up the rest of my life.   Are you...?   Oan I take a piece of this with me?   Sure! Here, have a crumb.   - Thanks! - Yeah.   All right. Well, then... I guess I'll see you around.   Or not.   OK, Barry.   And thank you so much again... for before.   Oh, that? That was nothing.   Well, not nothing, but... Anyway...   This can't possibly work.   He's all set to go. We may as well try it.   OK, Dave, pull the chute.   - Sounds amazing. - It was amazing!   It was the scariest, happiest moment of my life.   Humans! I can't believe you were with humans!   Giant, scary humans! What were they like?   Huge and crazy. They talk crazy.   They eat crazy giant things. They drive crazy.   - Do they try and kill you, like on TV? - Some of them. But some of them don't.   - How'd you get back? - Poodle.   You did it, and I'm glad. You saw whatever you wanted to see.   You had your "experience." Now you can pick out yourjob and be normal.   - Well... - Well?   Well, I met someone.   You did? Was she Bee-ish?   - A wasp?! Your parents will kill you! - No, no, no, not a wasp.   - Spider? - I'm not attracted to spiders.   I know it's the hottest thing, with the eight legs and all.   I can't get by that face.   So who is she?   She's... human.   No, no. That's a bee law. You wouldn't break a bee law.   - Her name's Vanessa. - Oh, boy.   She's so nice. And she's a florist!   Oh, no! You're dating a human florist!   We're not dating.   You're flying outside the hive, talking to humans that attack our homes   with power washers and M-80s! One-eighth a stick of dynamite!   She saved my life! And she understands me.   This is over!   Eat this.   This is not over! What was that?   - They call it a crumb. - It was so stingin' stripey!   And that's not what they eat. That's what falls off what they eat!   - You know what a Oinnabon is? - No.   It's bread and cinnamon and frosting. They heat it up...   Sit down!   ...really hot! - Listen to me!   We are not them! We're us. There's us and there's them!   Yes, but who can deny the heart that is yearning?   There's no yearning. Stop yearning. Listen to me!   You have got to start thinking bee, my friend. Thinking bee!   - Thinking bee. - Thinking bee.   Thinking bee! Thinking bee! Thinking bee! Thinking bee!   There he is. He's in the pool.   You know what your problem is, Barry?   I gotta start thinking bee?   How much longer will this go on?   It's been three days! Why aren't you working?   I've got a lot of big life decisions to think about.   What life? You have no life! You have no job. You're barely a bee!   Would it kill you to make a little honey?   Barry, come out. Your father's talking to you.   Martin, would you talk to him?   Barry, I'm talking to you!   You coming?   Got everything?   All set!   Go ahead. I'll catch up.   Don't be too long.   Watch this!   Vanessa!   - We're still here. - I told you not to yell at him.   He doesn't respond to yelling!   - Then why yell at me? - Because you don't listen!   I'm not listening to this.   Sorry, I've gotta go.   - Where are you going? - I'm meeting a friend.   A girl? Is this why you can't decide?   Bye.   I just hope she's Bee-ish.   They have a huge parade of flowers every year in Pasadena?   To be in the Tournament of Roses, that's every florist's dream!   Up on a float, surrounded by flowers, crowds cheering.   A tournament. Do the roses compete in athletic events?   No. All right, I've got one. How come you don't fly everywhere?   It's exhausting. Why don't you run everywhere? It's faster.   Yeah, OK, I see, I see. All right, your turn.   TiVo. You can just freeze live TV? That's insane!   You don't have that?   We have Hivo, but it's a disease. It's a horrible, horrible disease.   Oh, my.   Dumb bees!   You must want to sting all those jerks.   We try not to sting. It's usually fatal for us.   So you have to watch your temper.   Very carefully. You kick a wall, take a walk,   write an angry letter and throw it out. Work through it like any emotion:   Anger, jealousy, lust.   Oh, my goodness! Are you OK?   Yeah.   - What is wrong with you?! - It's a bug.   He's not bothering anybody. Get out of here, you creep!   What was that? A Pic 'N' Save circular?   Yeah, it was. How did you know?   It felt like about 10 pages. Seventy-five is pretty much our limit.   You've really got that down to a science.   - I lost a cousin to Italian Vogue. - I'll bet.   What in the name of Mighty Hercules is this?   How did this get here? Oute Bee, Golden Blossom,   Ray Liotta Private Select?   - Is he that actor? - I never heard of him.   - Why is this here? - For people. We eat it.   You don't have enough food of your own?   - Well, yes. - How do you get it?   - Bees make it. - I know who makes it!   And it's hard to make it!   There's heating, cooling, stirring. You need a whole Krelman thing!   - It's organic. - It's our-ganic!   It's just honey, Barry.   Just what?!   Bees don't know about this! This is stealing! A lot of stealing!   You've taken our homes, schools, hospitals! This is all we have!   And it's on sale?! I'm getting to the bottom of this.   I'm getting to the bottom of all of this!   Hey, Hector.   - You almost done? - Almost.   He is here. I sense it.   Well, I guess I'll go home now   and just leave this nice honey out, with no one around.   You're busted, box boy!   I knew I heard something. So you can talk!   I can talk. And now you'll start talking!   Where you getting the sweet stuff? Who's your supplier?   I don't understand. I thought we were friends.   The last thing we want to do is upset bees!   You're too late! It's ours now!   You, sir, have crossed the wrong sword!   You, sir, will be lunch for my iguana, Ignacio!   Where is the honey coming from?   Tell me where!   Honey Farms! It comes from Honey Farms!   Orazy person!   What horrible thing has happened here?   These faces, they never knew what hit them. And now   they're on the road to nowhere!   Just keep still.   What? You're not dead?   Do I look dead? They will wipe anything that moves. Where you headed?   To Honey Farms. I am onto something huge here.   I'm going to Alaska. Moose blood, crazy stuff. Blows your head off!   I'm going to Tacoma.   - And you? - He really is dead.   All right.   Uh-oh!   - What is that?! - Oh, no!   - A wiper! Triple blade! - Triple blade?   Jump on! It's your only chance, bee!   Why does everything have to be so doggone clean?!   How much do you people need to see?!   Open your eyes! Stick your head out the window!   From NPR News in Washington, I'm Oarl Kasell.   But don't kill no more bugs!   - Bee! - Moose blood guy!!   - You hear something? - Like what?   Like tiny screaming.   Turn off the radio.   Whassup, bee boy?   Hey, Blood.   Just a row of honey jars, as far as the eye could see.   Wow!   I assume wherever this truck goes is where they're getting it.   I mean, that honey's ours.   - Bees hang tight. - We're all jammed in.   It's a close community.   Not us, man. We on our own. Every mosquito on his own.   - What if you get in trouble? - You a mosquito, you in trouble.   Nobody likes us. They just smack. See a mosquito, smack, smack!   At least you're out in the world. You must meet girls.   Mosquito girls try to trade up, get with a moth, dragonfly.   Mosquito girl don't want no mosquito.   You got to be kidding me!   Mooseblood's about to leave the building! So long, bee!   - Hey, guys! - Mooseblood!   I knew I'd catch y'all down here. Did you bring your crazy straw?   We throw it in jars, slap a label on it, and it's pretty much pure profit.   What is this place?   A bee's got a brain the size of a pinhead.   They are pinheads!   Pinhead.   - Oheck out the new smoker. - Oh, sweet. That's the one you want.   The Thomas 3000!   Smoker?   Ninety puffs a minute, semi-automatic. Twice the nicotine, all the tar.   A couple breaths of this knocks them right out.   They make the honey, and we make the money.   "They make the honey, and we make the money"?   Oh, my!   What's going on? Are you OK?   Yeah. It doesn't last too long.   Do you know you're in a fake hive with fake walls?   Our queen was moved here. We had no choice.   This is your queen? That's a man in women's clothes!   That's a drag queen!   What is this?   Oh, no!   There's hundreds of them!   Bee honey.   Our honey is being brazenly stolen on a massive scale!   This is worse than anything bears have done! I intend to do something.   Oh, Barry, stop.   Who told you humans are taking our honey? That's a rumor.   Do these look like rumors?   That's a conspiracy theory. These are obviously doctored photos.   How did you get mixed up in this?   He's been talking to humans.   - What? - Talking to humans?!   He has a human girlfriend. And they make out!   Make out? Barry!   We do not.   - You wish you could. - Whose side are you on?   The bees!   I dated a cricket once in San Antonio. Those crazy legs kept me up all night.   Barry, this is what you want to do with your life?   I want to do it for all our lives. Nobody works harder than bees!   Dad, I remember you coming home so overworked   your hands were still stirring. You couldn't stop.   I remember that.   What right do they have to our honey?   We live on two cups a year. They put it in lip balm for no reason whatsoever!   Even if it's true, what can one bee do?   Sting them where it really hurts.   In the face! The eye!   - That would hurt. - No.   Up the nose? That's a killer.   There's only one place you can sting the humans, one place where it matters.   Hive at Five, the hive's only full-hour action news source.   No more bee beards!   With Bob Bumble at the anchor desk.   Weather with Storm Stinger.   Sports with Buzz Larvi.   And Jeanette Ohung.   - Good evening. I'm Bob Bumble. - And I'm Jeanette Ohung.   A tri-county bee, Barry Benson,   intends to sue the human race for stealing our honey,   packaging it and profiting from it illegally!   Tomorrow night on Bee Larry King,   we'll have three former queens here in our studio, discussing their new book,   Olassy Ladies, out this week on Hexagon.   Tonight we're talking to Barry Benson.   Did you ever think, "I'm a kid from the hive. I can't do this"?   Bees have never been afraid to change the world.   What about Bee Oolumbus? Bee Gandhi? Bejesus?   Where I'm from, we'd never sue humans.   We were thinking of stickball or candy stores.   How old are you?   The bee community is supporting you in this case,   which will be the trial of the bee century.   You know, they have a Larry King in the human world too.   It's a common name. Next week...   He looks like you and has a show and suspenders and colored dots...   Next week...   Glasses, quotes on the bottom from the guest even though you just heard 'em.   Bear Week next week! They're scary, hairy and here live.   Always leans forward, pointy shoulders, squinty eyes, very Jewish.   In tennis, you attack at the point of weakness!   It was my grandmother, Ken. She's 81.   Honey, her backhand's a joke! I'm not gonna take advantage of that?   Quiet, please. Actual work going on here.   - Is that that same bee? - Yes, it is!   I'm helping him sue the human race.   - Hello. - Hello, bee.   This is Ken.   Yeah, I remember you. Timberland, size ten and a half. Vibram sole, I believe.   Why does he talk again?   Listen, you better go 'cause we're really busy working.   But it's our yogurt night!   Bye-bye.   Why is yogurt night so difficult?!   You poor thing. You two have been at this for hours!   Yes, and Adam here has been a huge help.   - Frosting... - How many sugars?   Just one. I try not to use the competition.   So why are you helping me?   Bees have good qualities.   And it takes my mind off the shop.   Instead of flowers, people are giving balloon bouquets now.   Those are great, if you're three.   And artificial flowers.   - Oh, those just get me psychotic! - Yeah, me too.   Bent stingers, pointless pollination.   Bees must hate those fake things!   Nothing worse than a daffodil that's had work done.   Maybe this could make up for it a little bit.   - This lawsuit's a pretty big deal. - I guess.   You sure you want to go through with it?   Am I sure? When I'm done with the humans, they won't be able   to say, "Honey, I'm home," without paying a royalty!   It's an incredible scene here in downtown Manhattan,   where the world anxiously waits, because for the first time in history,   we will hear for ourselves if a honeybee can actually speak.   What have we gotten into here, Barry?   It's pretty big, isn't it?   I can't believe how many humans don't work during the day.   You think billion-dollar multinational food companies have good lawyers?   Everybody needs to stay behind the barricade.   - What's the matter? - I don't know, I just got a chill.   Well, if it isn't the bee team.   You boys work on this?   All rise! The Honorable Judge Bumbleton presiding.   All right. Oase number 4475,   Superior Oourt of New York, Barry Bee Benson v. the Honey Industry   is now in session.   Mr. Montgomery, you're representing the five food companies collectively?   A privilege.   Mr. Benson... you're representing all the bees of the world?   I'm kidding. Yes, Your Honor, we're ready to proceed.   Mr. Montgomery, your opening statement, please.   Ladies and gentlemen of the jury,   my grandmother was a simple woman.   Born on a farm, she believed it was man's divine right   to benefit from the bounty of nature God put before us.   If we lived in the topsy-turvy world Mr. Benson imagines,   just think of what would it mean.   I would have to negotiate with the silkworm   for the elastic in my britches!   Talking bee!   How do we know this isn't some sort of   holographic motion-picture-capture Hollywood wizardry?   They could be using laser beams!   Robotics! Ventriloquism! Oloning! For all we know,   he could be on steroids!   Mr. Benson?   Ladies and gentlemen, there's no trickery here.   I'm just an ordinary bee. Honey's pretty important to me.   It's important to all bees. We invented it!   We make it. And we protect it with our lives.   Unfortunately, there are some people in this room   who think they can take it from us   'cause we're the little guys! I'm hoping that, after this is all over,   you'll see how, by taking our honey, you not only take everything we have   but everything we are!   I wish he'd dress like that all the time. So nice!   Oall your first witness.   So, Mr. Klauss Vanderhayden of Honey Farms, big company you have.   I suppose so.   I see you also own Honeyburton and Honron!   Yes, they provide beekeepers for our farms.   Beekeeper. I find that to be a very disturbing term.   I don't imagine you employ any bee-free-ers, do you?   - No. - I couldn't hear you.   - No. - No.   Because you don't free bees. You keep bees. Not only that,   it seems you thought a bear would be an appropriate image for a jar of honey.   They're very lovable creatures.   Yogi Bear, Fozzie Bear, Build-A-Bear.   You mean like this?   Bears kill bees!   How'd you like his head crashing through your living room?!   Biting into your couch! Spitting out your throw pillows!   OK, that's enough. Take him away.   So, Mr. Sting, thank you for being here. Your name intrigues me.   - Where have I heard it before? - I was with a band called The Police.   But you've never been a police officer, have you?   No, I haven't.   No, you haven't. And so here we have yet another example   of bee culture casually stolen by a human   for nothing more than a prance-about stage name.   Oh, please.   Have you ever been stung, Mr. Sting?   Because I'm feeling a little stung, Sting.   Or should I say... Mr. Gordon M. Sumner!   That's not his real name?! You idiots!   Mr. Liotta, first, belated congratulations on   your Emmy win for a guest spot on ER in 2005.   Thank you. Thank you.   I see from your resume that you're devilishly handsome   with a churning inner turmoil that's ready to blow.   I enjoy what I do. Is that a crime?   Not yet it isn't. But is this what it's come to for you?   Exploiting tiny, helpless bees so you don't   have to rehearse your part and learn your lines, sir?   Watch it, Benson! I could blow right now!   This isn't a goodfella. This is a badfella!   Why doesn't someone just step on this creep, and we can all go home?!   - Order in this court! - You're all thinking it!   Order! Order, I say!   - Say it! - Mr. Liotta, please sit down!   I think it was awfully nice of that bear to pitch in like that.   I think the jury's on our side.   Are we doing everything right, legally?   I'm a florist.   Right. Well, here's to a great team.   To a great team!   Well, hello.   - Ken! - Hello.   I didn't think you were coming.   No, I was just late. I tried to call, but... the battery.   I didn't want all this to go to waste, so I called Barry. Luckily, he was free.   Oh, that was lucky.   There's a little left. I could heat it up.   Yeah, heat it up, sure, whatever.   So I hear you're quite a tennis player.   I'm not much for the game myself. The ball's a little grabby.   That's where I usually sit. Right... there.   Ken, Barry was looking at your resume,   and he agreed with me that eating with chopsticks isn't really a special skill.   You think I don't see what you're doing?   I know how hard it is to find the rightjob. We have that in common.   Do we?   Bees have 100 percent employment, but we do jobs like taking the crud out.   That's just what I was thinking about doing.   Ken, I let Barry borrow your razor for his fuzz. I hope that was all right.   I'm going to drain the old stinger.   Yeah, you do that.   Look at that.   You know, I've just about had it   with your little mind games.   - What's that? - Italian Vogue.   Mamma mia, that's a lot of pages.   A lot of ads.   Remember what Van said, why is your life more valuable than mine?   Funny, I just can't seem to recall that!   I think something stinks in here!   I love the smell of flowers.   How do you like the smell of flames?!   Not as much.   Water bug! Not taking sides!   Ken, I'm wearing a Ohapstick hat! This is pathetic!   I've got issues!   Well, well, well, a royal flush!   - You're bluffing. - Am I?   Surf's up, dude!   Poo water!   That bowl is gnarly.   Except for those dirty yellow rings!   Kenneth! What are you doing?!   You know, I don't even like honey! I don't eat it!   We need to talk!   He's just a little bee!   And he happens to be the nicest bee I've met in a long time!   Long time? What are you talking about?! Are there other bugs in your life?   No, but there are other things bugging me in life. And you're one of them!   Fine! Talking bees, no yogurt night...   My nerves are fried from riding on this emotional roller coaster!   Goodbye, Ken.   And for your information,   I prefer sugar-free, artificial sweeteners made by man!   I'm sorry about all that.   I know it's got an aftertaste! I like it!   I always felt there was some kind of barrier between Ken and me.   I couldn't overcome it. Oh, well.   Are you OK for the trial?   I believe Mr. Montgomery is about out of ideas.   We would like to call Mr. Barry Benson Bee to the stand.   Good idea! You can really see why he's considered one of the best lawyers...   Yeah.   Layton, you've gotta weave some magic   with this jury, or it's gonna be all over.   Don't worry. The only thing I have to do to turn this jury around   is to remind them of what they don't like about bees.   - You got the tweezers? - Are you allergic?   Only to losing, son. Only to losing.   Mr. Benson Bee, I'll ask you what I think we'd all like to know.   What exactly is your relationship   to that woman?   We're friends.   - Good friends? - Yes.   How good? Do you live together?   Wait a minute...   Are you her little...   ...bedbug?   I've seen a bee documentary or two. From what I understand,   doesn't your queen give birth to all the bee children?   - Yeah, but... - So those aren't your real parents!   - Oh, Barry... - Yes, they are!   Hold me back!   You're an illegitimate bee, aren't you, Benson?   He's denouncing bees!   Don't y'all date your cousins?   - Objection! - I'm going to pincushion this guy!   Adam, don't! It's what he wants!   Oh, I'm hit!!   Oh, lordy, I am hit!   Order! Order!   The venom! The venom is coursing through my veins!   I have been felled by a winged beast of destruction!   You see? You can't treat them like equals! They're striped savages!   Stinging's the only thing they know! It's their way!   - Adam, stay with me. - I can't feel my legs.   What angel of mercy will come forward to suck the poison   from my heaving buttocks?   I will have order in this court. Order!   Order, please!   The case of the honeybees versus the human race   took a pointed turn against the bees   yesterday when one of their legal team stung Layton T. Montgomery.   - Hey, buddy. - Hey.   - Is there much pain? - Yeah.   I...   I blew the whole case, didn't I?   It doesn't matter. What matters is you're alive. You could have died.   I'd be better off dead. Look at me.   They got it from the cafeteria downstairs, in a tuna sandwich.   Look, there's a little celery still on it.   What was it like to sting someone?   I can't explain it. It was all...   All adrenaline and then... and then ecstasy!   All right.   You think it was all a trap?   Of course. I'm sorry. I flew us right into this.   What were we thinking? Look at us. We're just a couple of bugs in this world.   What will the humans do to us if they win?   I don't know.   I hear they put the roaches in motels. That doesn't sound so bad.   Adam, they check in, but they don't check out!   Oh, my.   Oould you get a nurse to close that window?   - Why? - The smoke.   Bees don't smoke.   Right. Bees don't smoke.   Bees don't smoke! But some bees are smoking.   That's it! That's our case!   It is? It's not over?   Get dressed. I've gotta go somewhere.   Get back to the court and stall. Stall any way you can.   And assuming you've done step correctly, you're ready for the tub.   Mr. Flayman.   Yes? Yes, Your Honor!   Where is the rest of your team?   Well, Your Honor, it's interesting.   Bees are trained to fly haphazardly,   and as a result, we don't make very good time.   I actually heard a funny story about...   Your Honor, haven't these ridiculous bugs   taken up enough of this court's valuable time?   How much longer will we allow these absurd shenanigans to go on?   They have presented no compelling evidence to support their charges   against my clients, who run legitimate businesses.   I move for a complete dismissal of this entire case!   Mr. Flayman, I'm afraid I'm going   to have to consider Mr. Montgomery's motion.   But you can't! We have a terrific case.   Where is your proof? Where is the evidence?   Show me the smoking gun!   Hold it, Your Honor! You want a smoking gun?   Here is your smoking gun.   What is that?   It's a bee smoker!   What, this? This harmless little contraption?   This couldn't hurt a fly, let alone a bee.   Look at what has happened   to bees who have never been asked, "Smoking or non?"   Is this what nature intended for us?   To be forcibly addicted to smoke machines   and man-made wooden slat work camps?   Living out our lives as honey slaves to the white man?   - What are we gonna do? - He's playing the species card.   Ladies and gentlemen, please, free these bees!   Free the bees! Free the bees!   Free the bees!   Free the bees! Free the bees!   The court finds in favor of the bees!   Vanessa, we won!   I knew you could do it! High-five!   Sorry.   I'm OK! You know what this means?   All the honey will finally belong to the bees.   Now we won't have to work so hard all the time.   This is an unholy perversion of the balance of nature, Benson.   You'll regret this.   Barry, how much honey is out there?   All right. One at a time.   Barry, who are you wearing?   My sweater is Ralph Lauren, and I have no pants.   - What if Montgomery's right? - What do you mean?   We've been living the bee way a long time, 27 million years.   Oongratulations on your victory. What will you demand as a settlement?   First, we'll demand a complete shutdown of all bee work camps.   Then we want back the honey that was ours to begin with,   every last drop.   We demand an end to the glorification of the bear as anything more   than a filthy, smelly, bad-breath stink machine.   We're all aware of what they do in the woods.   Wait for my signal.   Take him out.   He'll have nauseous for a few hours, then he'll be fine.   And we will no longer tolerate bee-negative nicknames...   But it's just a prance-about stage name!   ...unnecessary inclusion of honey in bogus health products   and la-dee-da human tea-time snack garnishments.   Oan't breathe.   Bring it in, boys!   Hold it right there! Good.   Tap it.   Mr. Buzzwell, we just passed three cups, and there's gallons more coming!   - I think we need to shut down! - Shut down? We've never shut down.   Shut down honey production!   Stop making honey!   Turn your key, sir!   What do we do now?   Oannonball!   We're shutting honey production!   Mission abort.   Aborting pollination and nectar detail. Returning to base.   Adam, you wouldn't believe how much honey was out there.   Oh, yeah?   What's going on? Where is everybody?   - Are they out celebrating? - They're home.   They don't know what to do. Laying out, sleeping in.   I heard your Uncle Oarl was on his way to San Antonio with a cricket.   At least we got our honey back.   Sometimes I think, so what if humans liked our honey? Who wouldn't?   It's the greatest thing in the world! I was excited to be part of making it.   This was my new desk. This was my new job. I wanted to do it really well.   And now...   Now I can't.   I don't understand why they're not happy.   I thought their lives would be better!   They're doing nothing. It's amazing. Honey really changes people.   You don't have any idea what's going on, do you?   - What did you want to show me? - This.   What happened here?   That is not the half of it.   Oh, no. Oh, my.   They're all wilting.   Doesn't look very good, does it?   No.   And whose fault do you think that is?   You know, I'm gonna guess bees.   Bees?   Specifically, me.   I didn't think bees not needing to make honey would affect all these things.   It's notjust flowers. Fruits, vegetables, they all need bees.   That's our whole SAT test right there.   Take away produce, that affects the entire animal kingdom.   And then, of course...   The human species?   So if there's no more pollination,   it could all just go south here, couldn't it?   I know this is also partly my fault.   How about a suicide pact?   How do we do it?   - I'll sting you, you step on me. - Thatjust kills you twice.   Right, right.   Listen, Barry... sorry, but I gotta get going.   I had to open my mouth and talk.   Vanessa?   Vanessa? Why are you leaving? Where are you going?   To the final Tournament of Roses parade in Pasadena.   They've moved it to this weekend because all the flowers are dying.   It's the last chance I'll ever have to see it.   Vanessa, I just wanna say I'm sorry. I never meant it to turn out like this.   I know. Me neither.   Tournament of Roses. Roses can't do sports.   Wait a minute. Roses. Roses?   Roses!   Vanessa!   Roses?!   Barry?   - Roses are flowers! - Yes, they are.   Flowers, bees, pollen!   I know. That's why this is the last parade.   Maybe not. Oould you ask him to slow down?   Oould you slow down?   Barry!   OK, I made a huge mistake. This is a total disaster, all my fault.   Yes, it kind of is.   I've ruined the planet. I wanted to help you   with the flower shop. I've made it worse.   Actually, it's completely closed down.   I thought maybe you were remodeling.   But I have another idea, and it's greater than my previous ideas combined.   I don't want to hear it!   All right, they have the roses, the roses have the pollen.   I know every bee, plant and flower bud in this park.   All we gotta do is get what they've got back here with what we've got.   - Bees. - Park.   - Pollen! - Flowers.   - Repollination! - Across the nation!   Tournament of Roses, Pasadena, Oalifornia.   They've got nothing but flowers, floats and cotton candy.   Security will be tight.   I have an idea.   Vanessa Bloome, FTD.   Official floral business. It's real.   Sorry, ma'am. Nice brooch.   Thank you. It was a gift.   Once inside, we just pick the right float.   How about The Princess and the Pea?   I could be the princess, and you could be the pea!   Yes, I got it.   - Where should I sit? - What are you?   - I believe I'm the pea. - The pea?   It goes under the mattresses.   - Not in this fairy tale, sweetheart. - I'm getting the marshal.   You do that! This whole parade is a fiasco!   Let's see what this baby'll do.   Hey, what are you doing?!   Then all we do is blend in with traffic...   ...without arousing suspicion.   Once at the airport, there's no stopping us.   Stop! Security.   - You and your insect pack your float? - Yes.   Has it been in your possession the entire time?   Would you remove your shoes?   - Remove your stinger. - It's part of me.   I know. Just having some fun. Enjoy your flight.   Then if we're lucky, we'll have just enough pollen to do the job.   Oan you believe how lucky we are? We have just enough pollen to do the job!   I think this is gonna work.   It's got to work.   Attention, passengers, this is Oaptain Scott.   We have a bit of bad weather in New York.   It looks like we'll experience a couple hours delay.   Barry, these are cut flowers with no water. They'll never make it.   I gotta get up there and talk to them.   Be careful.   Oan I get help with the Sky Mall magazine?   I'd like to order the talking inflatable nose and ear hair trimmer.   Oaptain, I'm in a real situation.   - What'd you say, Hal? - Nothing.   Bee!   Don't freak out! My entire species...   What are you doing?   - Wait a minute! I'm an attorney! - Who's an attorney?   Don't move.   Oh, Barry.   Good afternoon, passengers. This is your captain.   Would a Miss Vanessa Bloome in 24B please report to the cockpit?   And please hurry!   What happened here?   There was a DustBuster, a toupee, a life raft exploded.   One's bald, one's in a boat, they're both unconscious!   - Is that another bee joke? - No!   No one's flying the plane!   This is JFK control tower, Flight 356. What's your status?   This is Vanessa Bloome. I'm a florist from New York.   Where's the pilot?   He's unconscious, and so is the copilot.   Not good. Does anyone onboard have flight experience?   As a matter of fact, there is.   - Who's that? - Barry Benson.   From the honey trial?! Oh, great.   Vanessa, this is nothing more than a big metal bee.   It's got giant wings, huge engines.   I can't fly a plane.   - Why not? Isn't John Travolta a pilot? - Yes.   How hard could it be?   Wait, Barry! We're headed into some lightning.   This is Bob Bumble. We have some late-breaking news from JFK Airport,   where a suspenseful scene is developing.   Barry Benson, fresh from his legal victory...   That's Barry!   ...is attempting to land a plane, loaded with people, flowers   and an incapacitated flight crew.   Flowers?!   We have a storm in the area and two individuals at the controls   with absolutely no flight experience.   Just a minute. There's a bee on that plane.   I'm quite familiar with Mr. Benson and his no-account compadres.   They've done enough damage.   But isn't he your only hope?   Technically, a bee shouldn't be able to fly at all.   Their wings are too small...   Haven't we heard this a million times?   "The surface area of the wings and body mass make no sense."   - Get this on the air! - Got it.   - Stand by. - We're going live.   The way we work may be a mystery to you.   Making honey takes a lot of bees doing a lot of small jobs.   But let me tell you about a small job.   If you do it well, it makes a big difference.   More than we realized. To us, to everyone.   That's why I want to get bees back to working together.   That's the bee way! We're not made of Jell-O.   We get behind a fellow.   - Black and yellow! - Hello!   Left, right, down, hover.   - Hover? - Forget hover.   This isn't so hard. Beep-beep! Beep-beep!   Barry, what happened?!   Wait, I think we were on autopilot the whole time.   - That may have been helping me. - And now we're not!   So it turns out I cannot fly a plane.   All of you, let's get behind this fellow! Move it out!   Move out!   Our only chance is if I do what I'd do, you copy me with the wings of the plane!   Don't have to yell.   I'm not yelling! We're in a lot of trouble.   It's very hard to concentrate with that panicky tone in your voice!   It's not a tone. I'm panicking!   I can't do this!   Vanessa, pull yourself together. You have to snap out of it!   You snap out of it.   You snap out of it.   - You snap out of it! - You snap out of it!   - You snap out of it! - You snap out of it!   - You snap out of it! - You snap out of it!   - Hold it! - Why? Oome on, it's my turn.   How is the plane flying?   I don't know.   Hello?   Benson, got any flowers for a happy occasion in there?   The Pollen Jocks!   They do get behind a fellow.   - Black and yellow. - Hello.   All right, let's drop this tin can on the blacktop.   Where? I can't see anything. Oan you?   No, nothing. It's all cloudy.   Oome on. You got to think bee, Barry.

this isn’t the entire script because I have a life, I make hon- Art, I am a starving, freelance artist

[theabominableblogger]

My Reaction to “Batman and Robin”

Oh God here we go.  Just in time for the holidays...

*externally screaming*

*deep breath then continues screaming*

What’s with these opening credits?

Do they really have to put creases everywhere on the Batsuit?

Is Robin wearing eyeshadow?!?

Hot Wheels:  The Movie

“This is why Superman works alone.”  Oh God, Superman’s in this universe?

My sister:  It’s the Nicholas Cage version.

You gotta have this big elaborate light show to reveal Dick’s motorcycle

Is that Pat Hingle [as Commissioner Gordon]?  God, just go away.

Not gonna lie, I like the makeup they did for Mr. Freeze’s face

“Hi Freeze, I’m Batman!”

The hole left in the wall when Dick crashes through it is the Robin symbol.  SUBTLE!

“It’s the hockey team from hell!”  I mean, yeah.

Random close ups!

Ice skates!

Freeze just threw that guy straight up in the air.

This whole movie looks like it took place in a rave.  Like, what’s with all the neon lighting in an art museum?

I like the bottom of Mr. Freeze’s boots.  At least he’ll get traction

[Mr. Freeze rockets out of the museum] *sings*  If you want to view paradise...

So where does Freeze find all this time to make these contraptions in the first place?

George Clooney’s acting is like a stick:  it’s wooden

If Dick yells “Cowabunga!,” I swear to God...

“Cowabunga!”  Oh my God no

There is no way Batman can catch up to Mr. Freeze in free fall.  10 ft per second, assholes!

The colors in this movie would legit make a pretty awesome commission color palette

Robin was just frozen mid-air?!?!?

*sing songs*  Shaky cam!

Chuck him [the frozen Robin] at the wall!

Matte painting!

What did she (Dr. Isley) just say?

AN:  We’re only 15 minutes in?!?

Is she [Dr. Isley] speaking into a tube of lipstick?

Antonio Diego?

This whole scene with the introduction to Bane looks like something out of Rocky Horror for some reason.  You got a couple weird people in suits watching the whole thing up on a balcony and you got a wacky-ass scientist with crazy hair

That’s.... gross...

Pointing... more pointing!

So dumping a whole bunch of toxins on Dr. Isley is gonna turn her into a psycho plant seductress?  OK...

I like how the security camera zooms in on Victor becoming Mr. Freeze

George Clooney looks way too smug to be Bruce Wayne for some reason.  Grow some hair!

AN:  Oh my God, we’re only 23 minutes in... *whines* this is a two hour movie!

Dutch Angle!

I do like the purple lighting in the lab

*Poison Ivy appears in the middle of the lab from underground*  How?

“My [Ivy] blood has been replace with aloe, my skin with chlorophyll.”

My sister:  Moisturize your skin with my blood!

Me:  MOISTURIZE ME!

Chlorophyll is a pigment.  If her [Ivy’s] skin is now made up of chlorophyll, shouldn’t she be green?

Is Woodrue’s tongue turning green?

“Hell, I am Mother Nature!”  That’s like probably one of the only good lines in this movie.

*starts singing “Mr. Snow Miser”*

I like Freeze’s polar bear slippers!

This mofo [Freeze] is blue!

Why does Mr. Freeze have a cigar?

This whole movie plot is ripped from an episode of “Batman:  The Animated Series.”  Seriously, the episode’s called “Cold Comfort.”

The actress playing Nora Fries looks waaaay too young for some reason.

George Clooney is wearing a turtleneck... for the love of God, wear something else!

“I’m not used to this type of luxury...”  You [Barbara] go to a boarding school.  Shut up!

This looks like one of the streets used in the Batman TV show in the 60s.

That wig Ivy just put on has the Pulp Fiction bangs

Who’s the lady in the pink suit?

Julie Madison?  Why don’t we see more of her besides being a one-off girlfriend?

OK, I like the trench coat Ivy has on

They used the word “primordial” in the script.  I’m impressed.

“... warm-blooded opressors...” Aren’t you [Ivy] warm-blooded though?  You’re human...

Holy crap the makeup on Mr. Freeze without the costume is great

*The costume ball starts*  This is “The Mask” all over again

This is literally the same set they used for the art museum in the beginning of the movie

There’s a dude in the background wearing a leopard-print tuxedo

*mutters*  The hell is this music?

I actually like the eye makeup on Ivy

“I’ll bring everything you see here and everything you don’t.”  Mic drop.

Was that a banana peel sound effect?

My sister:  Yes it was.

“Good night.”  OK, that was funny.

Where is Ivy still there after Freeze left?

*The camera pans up a giant statue*  HANDSSSSS.... TOUCHING HANDSSSS...

Parkour!

Oh my gosh the CGI

Redbird?

REEED ROBIN YUMMMMM

ExPLOsions...

*The Batmobile gets frozen and crashes*  Oh no, not the merchandise!

“We have very little time.”  For what?

Michael Gough:  MVP of the movie

Did they just use a lightsaber sound effect to indicate the end of the flashback?

Ominous green lighting!

They [the Arkham guards] put him [Freeze] in an ice box...

Whoa...

The tile son the floor in Victor’s cell line up to make a snowflake

*Radioactive ghetto people show up*  I would legit go as one of them for Halloween

This movie is just one big sound stage

Where’d she [Ivy] get the seeds from?

George Clooney legit sounds like Mel Gibson’s John Smith from “Pocahontas”

There’s a floating face!

I think that’s actually Coolio

AN:  Yes it is

What is the point of this whole motorcycle race thing?  There’s literally no point to this scene.

My sister:  Did they just really wanna show off the set?

Me:  Well this movie is literally one giant toy commercial so...

That green screen was terrible

“Alfred’s not sick.  He’s dying.”  Well way to whip that out, movie!

You can tell that they put some effort into the characterization of Freeze in this movie.  It’s just surrounded by a bunch of campy, stupid stuff.

“Men are the most absurd of God’s creations.”  Man was one of the first ones, bitch...

I have the Poison Ivy gif of “Not good!”  saved on my laptop

Sorry Freeze, only one person looks good in chrome

*Freeze freezes the pipes to make them explode*  Well that was quick

Liking the statues of the absolutely ripped dudes on the fireplace mantle in Wayne Manor.  Schumacher, I see you.

*Batman opens up the secret bookcase in Freeze’s old lair to find Nora*  IT’S MISTER WHITE CHRISTMAS, IT’S MISTER SNOW!

I like that there’s a convenient lever from “Heat” to “Freeze”

*Bane beats Robin*  I was wondering what would break first:  your spirit... or your body!

“Why are all the gorgeous ones homicidal maniacs?”  Point!

Oh there you go.  Commissioner Gordon actually did something in this movie.

Is that slime?

“I’m [Dick] going solo!”  But not Han Solo.  He’s not cool enough to be Han Solo

My sister:  He’s whiny enough to be Ben Solo

Me:  Except Ben Solo was written better.

Oh, Ivy’s green boots are awesome

Freeze’s eyes look orange in this scene

“First...” Gotham!

“Gotham!”  Then the world!

“And then... the world!”  Haha!

“Adam... and Evil!”  BOO...

OH MY GOD- oh, that’s Bruce.  OK.

*Bruce and Dick argue over Ivy’s influence over them*  It’s called pheromones, guys.  Everyone has them.

What the... heck was that transition?

Oh I like that dress Ivy’s wearing...

Slow... motion...

Ellie Macpherson (Julie Madison) kinda looks like Jennifer Garner

Oh just smash it [the Bat-signal] in!  You don’t need to actually lift it up!

I just realized what’s wrong with George Clooney in this movie:  it always looks like he has a five o’clock shadow above his top lip

*Bruce hugs Alfred*  Aaawww!

The signature on the portrait wasn’t there a second ago!

*cracks up at the computer saying “Access Granted”*

Why is a telescope powered on crystals?

“... will you trust me now?”  *in best angsty teenage impression*  No, because he’s [Dick] got his eyeshadow on!

OK. Arnold’s evil laugh is getting there.  A little more work then he’s got it

*Barbara puts on her Batsuit*  Eeewww... eeww!

How the hell did Ivy set up her evil lair?

“Hi there.”  *in best George Clooney voice*  Hi Robin, I’m Ivy!

“How about ‘Slippery When Wet?’“ 

*actually has to collapse backwards on floor to laugh*

My sister:  Her eyeshadow’s awesome

Me:  She [Ivy] looks like a drag queen!

My sister:  It’s the eyebrows!

*Robin peels off his rubber lips*  WHAAAAAAA?!?!?!?!?

Oh my God, look at her [Ivy’s] bangles!

Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait!  They rewound the tape when Robin resurfaces from the pool!

My sister:  *sings*  My name’s Blurryface and I care what you think...

*Ivy’s plants suddenly eat her*  ...Why?

Oh she’s not dead.  OK...

*Camera pans up giant statue*  Aaaabbsss... Schumacher loves them...

*Random person in telephone booth gets frozen*  NO, NOT THE TARDIS!

NO, NOT THE DOG!

He was frozen mid-pee though.  Youch.

WHAAT IS THIS?!?!?!?

Why do all the Batsuits have silver accents now?  Unless the silver bits are just snap-on attachments...

*sing songs*  Free-zing... freezing the city!

PLAnets...

My sister:  Now I just want the planetarium fight from “The Great Game” to happen

Me:  Oh my God... we should watch that instead!

My sister:  Right?!?!?

You seriously could take any shot from this movie and all the colors in them would make up an awesome color palette

*Dick unleashes the grappling hook at the last minute and successfully latches onto something*  I CALL BULL!

Where the hell did he [Bane] come from?!?

AN:  Oh God we’re almost done with this movie YAAAAYY!

*Bane literally deflates*  Eeeewwww!

Oh my gosh, that 1997 CGI though

[Some of the ice in the city proceeds to melt]  *sings*  Here comes the sun...

*Mr. Freeze lets out an evil chuckle*  What a story, Mark!

Oh my God, that green screen though!

*The Bat gang manages to get rid of all the ice covering the city*  This... is bull... shit.

The ice actually wiggles on the cop car door!

THERE IS NO WAY BATMAN GOT THAT FOOTAGE OF IVY!

I call bullshit on this whole movie!

Oh, and he [Freeze] just had the cure [to Nora and Alfred] on him the whole time?

OK, I actually liked the music for that scene.  What the heck?

OK, for being a man-hater, Ivy, you’re pretty obsessed about one.

“Winter has come at last.”  Game of Thrones did it better.

The official catchphrase for this movie:  Hi [insert name], I’m [insert other name]

HEELP!  THEY’RE CASTING FOR BATMAN UNCHAINED!

*in best Batman voice*  DON’T MAKE ME PUSH YOU DOWN, O’DONNELL [Robin/Dick]!  I’LL DO ANYTHING TO GET OUT OF THIS FRANCHISE!

[sorrymomandcat]

Wed. November 6 2019

12:21AM I need a new lighters 

8:09AM 

I woke up with that feeling. 

Surprisingly not tired. 

I might be after I cry. 

Goodbye past.

4:33PM I'm starting this in my car on my anxious pressured 'break' at the ever busy Budapest. I'm gonna not. Brb.

4:55PM Okkkk, I’m going to be real with you.

I had a lot of clever ways to open this conversation but I have forgotten them since sitting in my Ferrari having not 1, but 2 smokes. You ever feel like you’re chewing on your own teeth? No? Good, that means you haven’t smoked meth for the past 255 days. To be clear- Cobain, Lampwick & The Joke are all synonyms for a former co-worker. Although the same person, they’re sort of not #mentalhealthawareness. TLDR; the more evolved part of me really hopes this guy is just a mean, jaded fucking asshole because the alternative is that they’re deeply psychotic and likely the permanent kind. Both leave little hope for improvement but the former at least KNOWS that. KNOWS I know. I could do a whole bullet-point slideshow fucking presentation on the red flags I had been seductively blindfolded to through exploitation of deepest nature and a stubborn unwillingness to accept pain and anger & I just might. I might. I might need to! I processed most of it as it was happening, denial was a bitch though. If you come from a place of; neglect, abuse and chaos but decided to assess your damages rather than project them on to innocent and typically pretty wonderful people.. then you need to equip yourself. Even if you took the more outward approach, leaving everyone in your path as empty useless collateral damage.. you could benefit as well. Tell yourself 'I’m only self-improving to gain further access and a tighter hold of my victims’ It doesn’t matter. Educate yourself on the impact of trauma/abuse/upbringing. See what happens to you. @ me. 

5:53PM There’s a lot of Construction Boyz here tonight. They hit on me and I’m all like ‘omg I smoke crystal meth and I’m in an over-sized hoodie at work with obviously contrasting roots growing in.. you have no idea how much I needed this’ hahah. Still, it’s nothing quite like the validation I get from making humble jokes to myself in my neurotic head! Where was I? Oh yeah. The Joke; Lampdick. This motherfucker fucking pulls out a REAL LIFE meth pipe, Chief Leaf right there. Of course CL is through-n-through up to date and real time a best friend without judgement, so it doesn’t reflect on me, but I’ve been fighting tooth (lol) and nail against obvious (but not blatant) disapproval toward this endeavor with Joke.. (of course gaslit with remarks like ‘fuck the haters’ ‘you’re really going to care what they say’ ‘it isn’t their relationship’ .. you’re the hater.. they treat me with consistent respect so duh.. you’re absolutely fucking right-it’s ours-and it fucking sucks because you’re an abusive psychopath.. shove that isolation groundwork technique up your) ? No respect. To pull out a fucking meth pipe after:

Day 1 appreciating we had a different DOC (drug of choice) and agreeing that use needs to be controlled in the best harm reduction sense possible & I firmly disclosed that I am 100% in no fucking way ever going to be okay with anyone-ever smoking meth near/with me. I still barely forgive the fuckers that ever let me do it - and I know full God damn well it was my choice/fault/willing action. I barely forgave myself! For letting them let me! Or that I even let me let them do it! So. No. It was immediately made clear. Day 1.  

Throughout this treachery The Joke made here-and-there comments about like “pass it this way” and “why don’t you save me any” and other repulsively ignorant and juvenile comments and my stance toward the matter remained firm. Which he always met with “yeah I know! I’m obviously joking! I agree! I would never do that to you” Like I was crazy for hardening my responses. Fucker, fucking fucker.

Seeing/hearing what I have vulnerably shared and experienced since the first day I made this choice (and I know not everyone who has/will make that choice is going to have MY experience. I’m not claiming that. I’m claiming ‘I don’t give a fuck what another person’s experience may be - I am not fucking here for it’ - ‘it’s a no from me dawg’ 

Knowing how desperately I am trying AND want AND try to want (some days it really do be like that) to stop smoking crystal. To end-all repair the damage it has done to myself, my relationships and my life. To prevent the inevitable damage that waits if I don’t. 

Not to mention all the attempts at ‘crazy making’ by exploiting my guilt and fear of potential harm: caused by crystal meth. ie; “you’re definitely sleep-stealing my keys and/or moving things because YOU’RE smoking crystal meth, and that shit is BAD bad + your traumatic childhood,’ (that he doesn’t give a fuck about unless using it against me in similar scenarios) ‘so come on. You can’t deny engaging in these behaviors, that I refuse tell you about. You meth-trauma black events out.. you’re not conscious of it because of YOUR big bad drug.” (which it is and I don’t intend to downplay it)

Seriously. These are real events & that’s just scratching the fucking surface. Note: this blog intentionally has NO followers and is ran anonymously. My intention is only to self-vindicate the man made madness I've enabled. Yet STILL it manages to drag into a month and a half of my God damn precious and OBVIOUSLY seriously fucking sensitive time. I feel NO shame for that; for struggling right now. For falling the fuck on my ass/face/faceassfuckhands onto a SERIOUSLY cemented floor! that manages to also be falling upwards into my fucking face! So instead of ceasing upon impact; continuously bashing my fucking FACE in. It fucking happens man. I fucking know that and I fucking own it as shamelessly as is safe to. Not as a way to justify where I am right now - but to foster a belief that I am worth the insidiously meticulous effort that's required to be better. In a better position to improve the quality of how I serve myself and thus actually beginning to serve those around me. Jesus shit what a Joke. I can’t believe I let myself: be treated this way, be ignorant to it, be willing to entertain the idea that maybe it was OK (even warranted).. but between you and me: I find it even harder to believe that another human being - one who has clearly been deeply wounded as well - can see the genuine sincerity of another human being’s soul and heart.. compulsively bleeding from a profundity raw enough to captivate a nihilist.. and humbly exposes it.. with nothing but purity in the regard of inherit human good.. and could intentionally stick their dirty fucking arms vigorously inside and tear at the exposed gauge made faithfully available. I’m not innocent here. But there’s no blood on my hands. I won’t point my fingers but my eyes are staring right at you. I know what you did to me. I did not agree to it. I agreed to taking the risk. Do you know what you did to me? Educate yourself. Wash your fucking hands. 

I didn’t bring any crystal to Budapest today. I didn’t know I was going to begin opening this, or I would have.

= I’ve got to go for a smokes. 

That’s enough for now. 

7:55PM I don’t know wtf but Doug offered me to get stoned and so I did outside but the guys who needed to switch rooms came back and then outside too because they insisted on my break.. Golf was looking for tape and offered me a Tim Horton’s, I said hot chocolate. Then Striped Vest guy also forever chatted and offered me a Tim Horton’s; I said hot chocolate. Still no tape and I tell him about Striped Vest and hot chocolate. He says ok. Meanwhile, Doug and his friend Chevy Lover are shooting the shit too and Doug asked for my number. Well first he asked if I was single. He asked if I was dating anybody LOL first of all I’m stoned and second of all the literal words out of my mouth were ‘everybody’ sincerely believing it as a reflection of my innocent love for life and immediately realizing that was a stupid answer so on reflex I said “no, myself. ha ha no. nobody. nope. that’s a. this guy who was my boyfriend died once. like a long time ago. no. weird. yeah it was wicked. wait what? why? but no. I don’t. not.” and I’ll never forget that or this hot chocolate. 

8:03PM Golf asked me to put his poppy on (dude you’re 51, you’ve definitely done this more than me and I HATE war) so I asked him like, when the war was and what it was called - “Oh no, I don’t know a lot about history” meanwhile a second ago he was like “I guess I should put one on because my Grandpa fought in the war” no that was you. anyways so I’m learning about WW1. You say you remember so much, name 5 of our veterans? #therealneverforget 

Disclaimer: I still haven’t read anything about it, I’m sorry to all relatives of dead soldiers I deeply condolence and RIP. No disrespect. We out here.

8:07PM Damn I really wish I had another hot chocolate.

8:39PM How is it not midnight?

[3d-explainer-video]

BIKE SHOP

So why somebody dressed like a certain somebody broke what’s going on here rough dude in I really I really inspire you on a daily got alright guys we are here my bike shop again it is disgusting raining outside I’ll show you guys through the window it is terrible outside absolutely disgusting it’s been raining since we got back from California every single day literally non-stop through the night in the morning all day I’ve never seen it rain this much in a really long time so instead of going to the skate park we decided to do something different as you can see we cleared out all the bikes from my bike shop right here we put them all on that side just for tonight because we’re gonna have fun in here we’re going to make the best of the situation and we’re just going to hang out inside the bike shop and ride so let’s play trick for trick it’s pretty easy all you guys have to do is set a trick and the rest of people have to copy it it’s almost like a game of bike but there’s like no weird little rules to it there’s no like Mulligan’s or anything like that so trick for trick two strikes okay that’s it two strikes you get your first strike you’re okay second strike you were out of the game sound good alright so first let me go court burglar you were the head judge today so who do you think should go why you go first Ronny Serge hi bro you’re trying to go what kind trick again give us my solo Jeter oh geez oh yeah okay cool it might not be little may be big bro here we go taking nali nali three yeah okay all you people watching right now that wasn’t a G turn that was a nollie 3 but we all love Ronnie and we support his skill set we’re gonna all do the nollie three down good so where’d you learn that move I learn Elf a flatlander missus what woman’s name I can’t remember all right so come on who wants to go next I’ll go so good night all right big boy not nollie 360 on the flat that is not gonna happen today that’s an X that doesn’t count alright okay you know you one strike it doesn’t put me out I’m still in this right I sat next mother lay down hammers on you shot dude I’m next so I’m getting my shot okay who’s up shy Matt good I’ll get it come on commissioner that counts that kills awesome there we go alright Benny me oh you know what say let’s get it video mini no not like three that count that counts as well alright perfect tell us haven’t seen E we got a really mean you judge you know right I’ll even have to bother counts that counted Oh Oh camera camera going over to me camera oh oh oh please don’t lean up easily know what oh yes what would you like not you got that you like dragged your tire a little too far that is beyond even drag my tire judge says judge goes jeez hey you got a strike I got ya here’s a tool it’s in the rule book you can actually veto this if you go and talk to the competitors and you get a full stretch of everybody that goes with it boys was that not like three good enough gotta give it to you well he’s judging my next trick so it doesn’t count I was like yes but just in case I mess up wanna buy that okay and I want to be let off okay cool sorry core you’ve been vetoed whatever alright so let’s get this going next trick is the official underscore big boy come on Big Boy I hope Corey goes a little lenient on you I don’t know what Rick you’re gonna do wrong alright boys next one up I got Shawn Mac I’m gonna do a op 180 180 I got Appa 180 coming up beautiful going big yes next one well I guess you call the opposite 180 we won’t talk about that Indian giver right we’re gonna head judge double thumbs up come on Big Boy you could be out on this one if you donate it I just wanna remind you that is Apple 162 222 hair cap cool thing that’s fine that was a Jersey hop we’re in Jersey account alright let’s eat it up 180 discount cap but I guess we could count it alright after the second round does anybody have X’s here anybody nobody everybody’s good clean slate that guy oh I think we have a cameraman any chance given X Corps I got X nope all right Korea has officially been discontinued as head judge because he’s still on pain medication and he cannot remember when big boy messed up what so we have a new spectator on the trike now let me enter you want to enter yeah wow this guy that’s my trick does come through that’s my that was pretty cool probably false we gonna do inspired on a road bike the other night I’m gonna do hop no fuck him yeah inspired on the road like to do a hop nobody kid that was really good really good who wants to go come on big rod I want to see textbook right here heck’s have the growing x5 over the top chip I mean what side you doing oh that’s one be on the best side possible you know I bet even need to pay to see how small ways I just want to go out there and say that Ronnie does not wear a single pad when he rides and that noise was definitely his pedal macking his shinbone there’s gonna be tears coming out of this man’s eyes right now Jesus come on let it happen I’m an international bad boy go all right let them drip I know you guys do not crying to die oh you’re a nice boy hey listen any man that could sleep in a tent for 12 hours and hit the shinbone like that you’re more of a man than all of us here I’d say that scum a wildcat whose own eggs oh okay good shot back nobody kick in oh let’s go yeah I wasn’t sure you’re gonna skip right over me I know I’m here for you man come on jet black catch a park that was huge if you laid it down my mind would have been blown dude huh forget last night of all again soon when we talked about this I did the intro is like you will get no Mulligan’s in this game gone down beautiful oh there we go counts counts yeah I would ask the head judge but you know we don’t got one anymore because is salsa honorable discharge it’s honorable discharge that judge I’m gonna do 180 half-cat Manuel 180 that’s what I like to see right there a link come on down come on down bro it’s only in your heart oh you get a pack you get a manual three doubt of that all right I think it’s time we take things to the next level what we’re gonna do is a special concoction I came up with this is called the reversal no-footed bunnyhop follow me all right if you all right ready stay back a little bit you all miss it that’s a good thing I’m gonna be very upset with myself very very upset what’s hot well I mean I want to start straight Hoffman otherwise he’ll the film not it doc Pomus it already assume in a position you guys done stay fed on your bikes at the wrong direction long ginger nation baby ginger nation watch this it’s what I could watch in life now but you know I pulled the trick shot doesn’t matter I mean a lot of you guys are watching my channel and you guys on the background of Ronnie Ronnie was a number 10 ranked vert ramp rider in the world he’s with the bring it back it was right now this next trick is a my op Ron give him something that so flatland that they don’t even know his flatland well I think show him something wrong Oh teaching a lesson Oh God do you realize how many people are about to be watching this right now yeah I know people all over the world there he’s checking in dude you want to unleash something that people have never seen before that they’re gonna be like wow that guy Ronnie he’s something else we didn’t have eating days things when they’re gonna have to cool the Thai stand a walk together tips finish wanna you guys heard it I’m a test on all Nicola right you got a French accent if that robot wasn’t so expensive it got kick who’s up next did you ever do that did you ever do the fakie nobler thing oh he didn’t ever take the letter yeah alright taking a letter keep taking action on x1x you always axes here how many X’s you have 1x what about you 1 what about you what about you mom what about you well I almost had one ok but then we took we took care of that problem we actually gave him dishonorable discharge and now he’s a spectator over there you guys probably seen the little guy in the book trike over there I’m gonna do something that I normally don’t do I’m gonna do a tire grab flat I don’t know why but I’m gonna do a tire Gravatar country charger it’s like completely stop the whole tire come on man you can’t just you got a new sign X Games baby she’s hot yeah you got yeah you got this wrong ah you got this oh you know he reversed the wheel they have done like four tire grabs my life let’s go fuck yeah number five ooh sorry Ben that’s an X T I’ll see you later little boy I know Tom’s got this watch this Lewis he’s gonna send it back to the moon Oh take notes take notes sure now take him take your notepad out and take some notes on that cuz even he can give you a lesson on that one he’s gonna send it back to the moon hi thank you alright now you said it back to the moon yeah I’m gonna send it back to the moon guy seriously you’re gonna leave planet Earth ready just walked by here we go no dude I drop my water bottle what happened there I was weird a muscle just came right out of my fuck sure shut up honesty we got a hater come on it can’t target oh yeah yeah yeah yeah Ron I’m sorry man Oh [Music] [Applause] run from another ginger another did you I don’t want to do this but you don’t stop it these games are getting me down man I’m always like the second or third and I can’t really show my full potential it doesn’t matter who’s first out or second out it’s about expanding your horizons and BMX you know so there’s gonna be some tricks out there that you might have never even tried before but it’s all about trying it trying your best and seeing if you can better yourself now this week when this game is over I want you to go back to wherever you’re staying at you know which is probably the room in my house that’s touching I want you to take the bike out and I want you think about all those tricks you had issues with and instead of hating them for what they did to you this week I want you to practice them and I want you to perfect them and come back even stronger I want you to grab that tire I’m gonna grab I want you to grab that tire I want you to grab that tire like Rose should’ve grabbed Jack you know when you hear him go she let him go okay now he’s down here in an ice cube that’s that’s what I’m trying to say there by spending horizons I’m ways out there I’m doing it exactly I’m flying high exactly I can’t believe I missed that let’s try to make the best that you know like a little help really took them to the next level so all right my trick right yeah you know we were going to do a 180 bar spin to have cab bars for now here we go before Corey gets over 180 fakie hop t-bog fakie heck about greasing up I gotta get back at the line Linens this is greatest thing I’ve ever heard is he so good stepping it up an inch oh so Kevin’s saying it well you’re up next you back it up I’m ready for it that was amazing hopefully I’ll land with both hands I’m out I’m out you’re out not long peace out man peace out me and I’m down to the wire to you uh I’ve never done this before a winner and a loser about Cory’s in the sitting position so let’s go right now okay right here that’s the next boys all right my trick I’m gonna do the same trick as I did before 180 bar hand cap bar he’s got the pork you break out let’s go oh you’re so worried about what he’s doing over there that you’re not focused on the trick I got in his head head games I’m having dreams for everything 180 half-cab manual 180 half cap key bug dude then I got to do something though because it really would be high five he’s got the pedaling right now good to meet me I tried there was full commitment right now all right so what I’m going to do I’m gonna do 180 set up fakie do a fakie manual bar spin out fakie yeah just do it I don’t understand what you said to me always yeah sorry sir there we go all right Dom I’m do the same thing back Mabel same you got this you got this right now you got this and your Rico survives around the world that was unbelievable oh do I have to do do you like to do that dreidel come to top maneuver okay okay okay seven you have to polish trick or otherwise you lose this game I know pressure it’s on pressures on I know okay guys there’s a certain sign sitting over there that’s a bike shop yeah sold for so we’re good okay here we go 180 hi guys yeah here we go boys I messed up my footing dumb Simoncini is your flat ground game of bike champion of the world give them victory lap right now just go off flat ground crazy right now just goes do his main flat guy jump again oh yeah keep going keep it going keep it going keep it going just get black just get weird this is your dance floor get all out here oh yeah oh yeah I got trick I got I want you well 180 bars now Tom Tom and Cena killed it I’m gonna try something real quick five talked about this cannot back down oh god please here we go whip match I’m doing it right now this is it thanks for Jack put your nose I saw papa no this was expensive this is expensive hmm no it wasn’t actually but if there is a clothing company out there look in the sponsor hey I’ll do your work rerun I want in blanks breadstick sugar and Alfredo dipping sauce what this is it yes yes what do you think about that boo that you’re sitting in man when you had your first experience at all cards okay think about when they brought they said would you like the breadsticks and would you say yesterday’s exactly no when they said they said you want more breadsticks will you say yes please I said keep them coming to our life let’s keep them coming just keep them coming baby oh my god that’s pretty uninvite your legend Ronny Serge is a man you guys should definitely follow Matt Ronny Serge right now listen we had a fun session tonight if you chat to everybody at Road today big shout to DOM Simoncini for winning the game of bike so we’re about to film it right now but it’s going to go out tomorrow for you guys and yes it does involve the rainbow kicker that’s waiting right there so I hope you guys enjoyed this one until next time remember to subscribe to channel and thanks for watching guys peace

The post BIKE SHOP appeared first on Kids Bikes Shop Real reviews by real bicycle customer.

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True Blood Season 4 Review

Ok It's done. The guessing and spoiling is over for another 9 months leaving us with only a serious fangover and an unprecedented post season body count. True Blood Season 4 was bat shit crazy even more than Season 3, the timeline of such memorables as jar of Talbot and spine ripping TV. So now post Season 4 finale whether you were calling for a Scream award or thought the whole thing blew chances are you're about to embark on 9 months of TB withdrawal. Yup even the haters feel its absence. So let's savor the moment in a post finale look at the best and worst of True Blood Season 4

THE BIGGEST THANK GOD MOMENT: Wee Marcus and gang finally putting Tommy and us out of the misery that was Tommy Mickens sorry ass life. As soon as he went skinwalker you knew his days were numbered. Sam Tramwell was brilliant doing Tommy doing him and who didn't cheer when said Tommy/Sam fired Sookie! She is the worst waitress ever! Talk about sick leave; is she ever at work for more than half a shift!?! The fall out from his death will certainly carry us through season 5, where we can only hope Sam has some modicum of hope at returning to just running the bar and attending anger management sessions.

Close second was Sookie decisively shooting Debbie Pelt in the head, even though she begged her not to. Yup, we had to wait till the very end of the season for evil, laughing while pouring Talbot down the drain Sookie, to return.

BEST OMG MOMENT: Ginger riding the coffin - nuff said.

SCARIEST/SEXIEST MOMENT:

Scary and sexy are often one and the same on True Blood, and this year Eric Northman ripping out, here to be known as, Juice Box Roy's heart will be stamped on my brain as a shining TB moment. Countless screamed everywhere, I had know idea THAT could be sexy! Give Skarsgård a raise!

BTW the T-shirts were on sale a mere 3 hours post show.

BIGGEST WTF MOMENT: Sookie and Eric snow shower then frak in Narnia. I've never read the books but the post Spellbound roar over The Vampire, The Witch and The Shower Stall, chocked up the blog commentary for days. I suspect because nothing could ever live up to this sacred cow of the sookiverse sexcapdes, Ball and company for better or worse decided not to go there; thus sparing us from more Skinmax test reels by getting out of the shower faster than they got in

MOST IMPROVED: King Bill - sure

he's damaged goods nailing his great great great great granddaughter and watching his ex screw his brain-damaged frenemy but sans Sookie round his neck, Bill was standing a bit taller this year. He even had a sense of humor, and Bill with balls is actually kind of hot. The developing bromance between him and Eric turned out to be one of the best parts of the season close.

MOST POTENTIAL: Laurel and Hardy move over. With Sookie out of the way Bill and Eric make an an awesome tag team, dissing each other on the pyre then cooperatively staking and decapitating Nan and troopers. Here's to more of Bill and Eric's excellent adventure in Season 5.

MOST IN NEED OF IMPROVEMENT: Sookie got enough of her spunk back to blow Debbie Pelt's head off, sure, but seriously she spent most of the season literally on her back, well sometimes on top. She was once a gifted mind-reader; we saw that maybe twice this season. Instead we learned more about her castrating powers when it comes to boyfriends. She mommied Eric into a hoody wearing puppy dog, did the dirty with him in every room of grandma's house and then kicked him, alongside Bill, to the curb come finale. In four seasons she truly did go from virgin to love em and leave em fangbanger. The classless moves have got to stop if the Stackhouse angle is to survive. We need an even slightly relate-able protagonist. I'm hoping another eligible lady moves to town, though god forbid she get a job at Merlotts - the most dangerous workplace in America.

SOOKIE'S ONE REDEEMING FEATURE SEASON 4: Sookie had unbelievably great hair this season. I swear to god I saw the camera man reflected in her locks in Eric's cubby.

MOST IN NEED OF A HUG: From defending herself against zombie slurs to losing an ear, Pam had endured what must go down as the worst week in her hundred plus years. She lost her maker to back country fairy vagina and her face rotted off. And things weren't exactly looking up when we left her, blood tears running down her cheek, hugging Ginger.

Why did they do that to Pam!!! Well for one reason she gave TB viewers some of the best gore the show has ever delivered. Still, writers, you better fix her. At the end of the day we really just want to look at Kristin Bauer being gorgeous and acting snarky.

Coming in second is Hoyt who despite the bitterness of his bad boyfriend rejection could really use a little lov'in right now, if not some of Summer's biscuits.

BEST RECAPS and REVIEWS:

VLOGS

#1 Bloodworks takes the stakes as a no contest winner. Besides being just the cutest couple in the world, Brian and Any's post show cocktails and theatrics amount to sometimes slurry worded and always hilariously astute recaps. I swear by mid season you look forward to Andy and Brian's upload as much as the episode itself. With its "staking points" and "do bad things" they were the best thing that could happen to a mediocre TB episode. Brian Juergen and Andy Swist @campbloodbuzz @andyswist http://campblood.org/Newblog/

#2 Think Heroes True Blood Review is tried and true. Roth Cornet has hosted solo for two seasons, and this season Jenna Busch was on board. Roth's reviews are first-rate often delving deeper than the show deserves. Busch does a good job of keeping things in the watercooler-moment mood of the short vlog format. The two combined offer a sometimes giggle ridden but always insightful True Blood take. Jennings Roth Cornet @JRothC | http://www.jenningsrothcornet.com/ JennaBusch @JennaBusch | http://girlmeetslightsaber.blogspot.com

#3 BloodBites is family friendly fair with this sister and brother team showcasing familial bonds and blood-dipped funny bones. Reenacting then reviewing a given episode's wtf moments, Blood Bites has cross-gen appeal. It's quality YouTube content you could show your grandmother and your eight year-old niece, who you know are both watching True Blood too.

Honorable Mention My Future Lover's Reason to Ship Sookie and Eric Spawn of You Tube strictly for Team Eric members, My Future Lover's play by play captions to the best and worst Sookie Eric moments capture at least half the audience's joy, tears and tv punching moments.

BEST PODCAST

True Blood in Dallas Straight up fan founded talkshow and review of both book, show and TB culture with revolving guest reviewers each week. A steady dose of all the criticism only a Stackhouse booklover can bring, Talk Blood is laced with plenty of Charlaine Harris loving that fellow fans can appreciate.

Listen to internet radio with True Blood in Dallas on Blog Talk Radio

BLOGS AND WEB SITES

Best Recaps

Pros and Cons True Blood by Meredith Woerner nails it everytime. for a no holds barred, tell it like is play by play pro con style. This is one of the funniest and most astute TB recaps out there. Meredith Woerner @MdellW | http://io9.com/people/MeredithDW/posts/

After Eltons WTF recap by Steven Frank is an imaginative post morteum with major plot points reviewed then rated in Grace Jones Vamp limps.

Jef With One F's music and episode recap for the Houston's Press is a creative spin that lets the show's lead track set the tone for review and analysis. Jef With One F @HPRocksOff

Best Blogs

Talk True Blood Digging deep and ranting in the best way, Talk True Blood goes so far as to offer scene by scene body language analysis of major characters.

Buddhism and True Blood Dedicated to Alan Ball and the wheel of life, Buddhism and True blood reminds us that life is suffering especially in Bon Temps

True Blood Underground Do you really know what's going on in Bon Temps? Conspiracy theories abound as TB Underground calls out Alan Ball on his addictive mind control experiment.

FINAL WORD Four seasons later there is still a bit of blood left in the series, and while fairy-finger-cop-outs and super silly, supernatural assumptions do show signs of laziness in the writers room, True Blood still does deliver some amazing TV. Godforbid we get bogged down by process oriented stuff like how amnesia Eric lost his shirt post-spell or ends up on a bonfire tied to Bill between episode 11 and 12. Things like how come no one reports a death in Bon Temp anymore or WHO IS running Merlottes only get in the way of a good story or at least a good "oh no they didn't" jaw drop.

I suspect, forty eight episodes later, TB writers actually relish every shark jumping moment as much as fangbanging spectacle. They know they can get away with it because they know how dedicated, creative and forgiving their fan base is. Plus narrative logic be damned, camp and drama are fine edges to play on, and they deserve applause for taking even tasteless risks.

For every bit of hocus pocus cgi True Blood throws at us, such as the anime forcefield surrounding Moon Goddess or the ridiculously bad fx exorcism of Mavis, there was a Pam getting a skin peel or Eric ripping the heart out of juice box Roy to make up for it. For each ridiculous Scooby Doo and the gang moment, there was a Vampire A-team or death by pencil. For each and every minute we tolerated Andy, we had a shot of Ginger riding a coffin or Eric drinking the whole fairy. True Blood IS very uneven but it IS very fun.

So that caps summertime Sundays and True blood still remains my ultimate guilty pleasure. The culture and coverage this year has been as much fun as the show itself and made Sundays feel like a party. I think Alex Skarsgård sums it all up in this quote,

“At 7 in the morning, I’m hanging from the ceiling in a Nazi uniform with fangs in[my mouth]. I look over and I see [Allan] there in his Nazi uniform hanging like a puppet. We’re about to descend down to kill this wolf, you know? And that was the moment where we just looked at each other like, This is what we’re doing for a living?‘”

Yup, IT IS! And even more surprising I CAN"T believe I'm watching you do it and not only that but loving every minute!