#ok anyway ill have more developed thoughts over the weekend i just needed to get this out initially

[squipdop]

HIIIII CAN I ASK ABOUT THE SIX YEARS LATER AU???

Howd they bring up the junior scouts idea to max??? Was he like Whatever sure or super tsundere or surprisingly emotional that they wanted him back after he aged out?? Did anyone else come back or do special day-long visits like how schools bring in visitors? What does max think of the new kids? They all look so cool i love Max's hair!!!!

HI HI HELLO YES OFC!!! :33

Okay so. I call it the '6 years later' AU but technically i have Stuff Planned for all the time that passed between now and then too, so this'll be a bit longer, sorry!!

Max joining the counselor team was actually kind of a natural/gradual development?? Basically, since I can't make CC content that isn't found family Max has a shit home life, and, even if he hates to admit it at first, the three months of summer camp become his bright spot each year. David and Gwen catch on to that, but there isn't much they can do to help outside of camp - until one day Max (age 13/14ish) shows up on Gwen's doorstep because he ran away from home, 'since his parents won't care either way'. While he does return home after hiding out at Gwen's place for a weekend, this kind of kicks off a pattern of Max running away sporadically, to Gwen's, later David's, or his friends places. I could go into more detail here but. this is already long. oop.

ANYWAYS. So with Max spending basically all the time he can away from home and the summers at camp, once he ages out there's. A Bit of panic starting in him once summer gets closer again, because his Safe Place seems inaccessible, and two of his OTHER options, especially for longer stays away from home, would also be unavailable. Gwen and David notice this (it manifests in Max staying over More but Angrier) and try to find a solution. Gwen proposes the Jr Counselor idea. They introduce the idea to Max by kinda implying that workload around camp is a lot, and it'd really hurt to miss one of their most experienced campers, but... maybe, if he worked there too (well, interned. basically unpaid. but! no camp tuition!) he could help them? so they basically give Max a way to say yes without admitting that he's the one who needs camp the most. He does insult the whole thing ofc, and says like he's just doing it because he knows camp would burn down without him there ("actually, most of the fires we had were started by you...?" "shut it, david") but secretly he's really really happy. He might even thank them later that evening. Quietly. Before complaining about it preemptively. <3

WAH THATS ALREADY SUCH A WALL OF TEXT ok ill hurry up w the rest:

While most of the other campers had some rotations over the years, I don't have conk rete plans for most of them - Nikki and Neil are still Max' gang, and returned for multiple summers, if not all. This year though, Neil is busy with college prep, and Nikki is spending the summer at home because of family crisis. They still video call a lot, they're still The Gang. I have sketched designs for them, but I'm not quite happy yet.

Max at first doesn't take his role seriously, because he's basically just Back For Another Summer, but pretty quickly realises Gwen and David DO have expectations, and DO give him responsibilities. He takes a while to come around on his new relationship to the younger kids, and especially one of the youngest kids takes a liking to him, a very anxious young girl, which annoys him at first, but... well. It's a whole ~character arc~ for Max waiting to happen tbh.

OK THANK YOU IF YOU MADE IT THIS FAR IM SORRY ITS SO LONG. i wasnt lying when i said i have So Many Thoughts about this. ANYWAYS as thank u for getting this far heres a doodle of Max putting up his hair. :3c

[kindred-spirit-93]

Sup it's me Astron

I wanted to talk a bit about my ideas for Persephone and Hades - everyone's favourite couple. I haven't really thought a lot about them

I imagine that Hades is constantly anxious (inspired by the myth where Poseidon's massive earthquake nearly exposed the underworld). Zeus assigned him the underworld domain, where only the dead reside.

However, Hades' true passion lies in material aspects of his domain - ore, jewels, fossil fuels, and treasures. This aspect of him is based on his Plutus/Dis Pater aspect. A god of material wealth, his power stems from ownership, not his role as God of the Dead. He also manages the gods' treasury, handling currency and money - all human concepts introduced by Zeus.

Persephone, SEEMS to historically be an underworld deity before Hades IRL. So in this story Hades obsesses over treasures, Persephone tends to the underworld's deceased and all their matters. She's more of a god of the dead than him.

She feels deeply embarrassed to be a deity that has "died" (Like OMG she's never going to let that down) and seems to hold a resentment towards Hades for that.

The kidnapping topic comes up in arguments from time to time but more in the same vein as a partner would use the fact that you forgot their birthday or something.

Demeter and Persephone share a strong bond compared to the other gods. After Persephones "death" Demeter was never really the same. Demeter relives the painful cycle annually, and carries a deep rooted bitterness toward the other gods for it.

Persephone seems to not really care about the situation (we think) and doesn't talk about her mother or anything for that matter

They're the least developed figures in my mind

honestly cant tell you just how long ive been waiting to get to this gem (pun absolutely intended). the mental image u planted (pun also intended) has been clawing and biting at my brain for eons

i already have a doodle or two planned, ill get to it as soon as i can :D

--

in the meantime i really love the splitting of duties and dual domains of the underworld down the middle, hades being treasurer and geology g(r)eek is eveything ive ever wanted and needed in life. and don’t get me started on a cthonic persephone. dread persephone all the way baby! need to experiment with her design more :3

ive mentioned it before i believe but ill say it here again, i really adore and appreciate the way you choose to depict seph and demeter. you know more than anyone lol that im not well versed in the mythology, but seeing retellings new and old comepletely butchering or otherwise doing great disservice to the original text and context of the time really bothers me.

pitting mother and daughter against each other should be a federal crime. anyways so thank you for doing them justice in my eyes. yes the pantheon is messy but theres room for so much and healing and growth. ok ill see myself out now hehe

--

art probably during the week or this weekend, depends on how messy the first week back is lol. ill edit this post so for anyone interested stay tuned :]

[ladyintree]

i hope simone finds peace and gets far away from here love you girl but i will not blame you<3

thinking about tawny saying 'i don't imagine she gives a fuck if simone comes back with the kid.' thinking about the way taissa's staring blankly at simone yelling at her until she says 'i'll go to the press' and then she sits up straight and starts to take her seriously because perception perception perception

taissa just replacing the dog so quickly like that's going to 'fix' it. because she doesn't actually care. because she doesn't give a fuck about a dumb dog. it's just a fulfillment she has to make because she assumes it's her fault so she has to do it.

van knowing about the sleepwalking now is interesting but i don't think this was something that taissa chose to tell her. i think she had to found out by other means. given their conflict from the end of last season and the way she confided in shauna, i don't think taissa was willing to talk about it with anyone else until she has to. physically had to, because van caught her, and then she opened up. and she feels better for it, because she doesn't like keeping things from van, it was always more about not understanding it herself and not knowing what to do with it / what it really meant in the grand scheme or things, so it's really refreshing that van knows. but it's also scary! because she's hurting her! and she doesn't want to do that! will have more thoughts if we get more context about van finding out but for now, this.

taissa worried about shauna when she knows she's in the shed, taissa watching her every step when she returns, taissa immediately asking her if she's okay and when she says "yeah, why?" she knows exactly what she means to say. she wants to protect her from having to go in there and from whatever thoughts she's feeling when she sees jackie but she also doesn't even know how to begin protecting her from that. taissa shauna crumbs everywhere you know i will find them!

tai going straight to "that's some sad ass divorce shit right there, tai" because maybe she always expected that was inevitable. she doesn't even really know what simone is upset about but she's just always expected to lose her some day.

very personal to me that she refers to herself as tai <3

the way she seems horrified looking at the alter but. also. aware of it. like she's done something like this before but she tried to forget it / tried to pretend it didn't happen.

the way tai tells van she loves her for the first time is just very tai. the nonchalance of it. the way she gets shy and says it so quietly. like. yeah! she loves her! but she feels a little vulnerable in it and it feels silly to say as if it hasn't already been clear so she's shy about it. also the first time she's been in love so it's a lot but so real.

van telling tai she's not scared of her and she'll never be scared of her is sweet in theory but it's not something that tai believes. not that van is lying, she knows she's not when she says it, but tai has no idea what's going on with her, she has no idea how to explain it and that's scarier than she can begin to process so someone else telling her it doesn't scare them is half validating and half just.. scarier. because it means she could and likely will let her down.

also tai holding shauna's hand while she gives birth in the preview? literally that was for me. thanks

[oceanselevenism]

I've seen that most of the stories on ao3 about them are mostly canon-compliant (and I don't have anything against that tbh) but I was wondering if you have any aus that you think could fit them or that you'd like to see?

omg i have SO MANY aus!! (it got Very Long so its under a cut)

- college au! danny gets kicked out (hes on full scholarship and does Thiefly Things to cover his expenses so hes not endangered just fairly fucked up abt it) (does it count as kicked out if u only live w ur dad three months a year) in freshman year, he befriends rusty (1 year below him) in sophomore year, debbie also befriends rusty (she and danny dont talk much but shes 2 yrs below him at the same college), and when reuben comes calling for a job he thinks debbie has a boyfriend (thanks to debbie telling her dad that she does) so she fake dates rusty. who ends up joining the job. and danny is Very Jealous

- snl ripoff au! danny and rusty are the weekend-update-adjacent anchors and they get gay. i Would have this take place in la (reuben is taking A Risk producing a late night sketch comedy show on the west coast but the 11/12/however fuckin many are fantastic cast members so even though they lose revenue from the other timezones not watching as much as they watch snl or whatever, they still make BANK... but danny and rusty getting gay throws the equilibrium out of whack) BUT la sucks DICK so its happening in new york. also this way u get Ocean Sibling Banter (debbie and lou are the anchors for The Actual Weekend Update and when debbie/lou get together and also when danny/rusty get together there are so many ‘just switch out the blondes/brunettes nobody will be able to tell and we won’t have hr down our necks’ jokes)

- au where the caldwells, abt to go deep undercover on a Huge Fucking Case, have to give up custody of 6 year old linus to tess and danny. the case stretches on for twelve years and linus grows up w tess and danny (who get divorced like right after they adopt him bc tess finds out abt dannys Thiefly Activities-- he confesses to her bc he doesnt rly want to predispose the kid to said thiefly activities) and also isabel (she and rusty break up like Right Before tess and dannys wedding and its very funny; she then goes on to marry tess) parenting him (rusty isnt as much in the picture bc he doesnt feel bad at all abt stealing and tess doesnt want linus to pick up that mentality also rusty Feels Things abt danny)! then when linus is like 18 or 19 danny disappears (tess and isabel think its Thiefly Activities again and arent concerned, just disappointed, but linus is very concerned for his dad-slash-stepdad-slash-sort-of-uncle) and he tracks down rusty so they can find danny. they roadtrip across america and eventually catch up to danny, who is helping the caldwells, and the five of them take down whatever gang the caldwells were chasing. linus now has 6 parents

- au based on this post where some archaeologist finds a bunch of dannys [french person voice] Love Lettairs 2 rusty and so obviously the logical course of action is to rob the museum (which happens to be the museum that tess is curating. funny how things work out) without telling his team What Theyre Stealing. they successfully pull off the heist but turns out the letters were not among the items they stole!! danny is getting desperate. as a last-ditch attempt he calls tess and asks her to let them rob the museum. shes like Why The Fuck Would I Do That. he explains and she begrudgingly agrees. danny and livingston go break into the museum Again but rusty tails them bc dannys been acting Weird and he finds out abt the letters bc livingston sweats more whenever he tells a lie. they live happily ever after (literally, theyre immortal) the end. also even though dannys a werewolf the 11 all call him the new jersey devil (its not his fault that legend came to be ok!! he was very drunk!!)

- childhood friends au!! danny and rusty were best buds as very young kids and then the oceans had to move. flash forward 2 present day where danny and debbie r robbing a museum (theyre building a flower shop over the vault and tunneling in, the dudes in brazil who came up w it are very very clever) and guess which two people are the assistant curators (is that even a title?). guess. ill tell u its tess and rusty! danny recognizes rusty, rusty ‘does not recognize’ danny (which is valid. look at photos of child george clooney and tell me you would recognize him). the 11 demand that they use this to their advantage and so danny and rusty Sort Of Date while the rest set up for the robbery, and danny feels really bad abt it so on the day of (after everyone has gotten away, ofc, he might be a lovesick bitch but hes not a snitch) he confesses and rustys like lmao i was onto u from the start. what kind of a name is [insert alias here] anyway. then they go live a life of crime and its great

- @sanduschism came up w a fantastic au where danny pickpockets rusty and feels bad so he sends the wallet back and they strike up a Correspondence

-��HOSPITAL AU!!! danny and rusty r er techs while theyre doing med school and nobody knows how they juggle their shifts w school but also rusty can do a tracheotomy in like 5 seconds and danny can tell when a person needs an mri before they even list their symptoms so nobody questions it and nobody splits them up Ever. when they eventually become surgeons, danny does cardio and rusty does neuro, and whenever they have to work together not only do they never have to say what theyre doing, they don't even have What Do U Want To Cook For Dinner convos fully out loud. tess is head nurse... she makes so many excel spreadsheets... they are ALL color coded. isabel is head er doc and nobody dares to halfass things on her watch. reuben is head hospital admin, saul is chief surgeon, basher is head of the burn unit, the malloys r the HUNKIEST nurses in town, frank does plastic surgery/ent (every patient loves him bc he is just So Calm), livingston is The IT Guy, yen does like orthopedics or physical therapy, and linus is their fav resident who they all lovingly tease 24/7. the ocean sibs r both Cardio Gods and each dominate their respective coasts. debbie is an nyc doctor and if she sees a mass gen doctor its on SIGHT. the few surgeries that she and danny collab on go so fast that the med students in the gallery Cannot tell whats happening. lou is also a plastic surgeon and she and frank r best buds. linus requests time off like 6 months in advance Every Time and everyone hates it bc then They have to be on call but he doesnt realize his Extreme Overachieverness is causing so much strife. whenever tess and danny get in an argument she colorcodes his rounds spreadsheet to be the most neon shit youve ever seen. can you tell i never fully progressed past my greys anatomy phase this one is like 93489302 lines long

- superpower au where rusty has midas touch and danny has corrosive touch and when theyre too young to have control over their powers (abilities develop throughout adolescence and the user gains control at the end of adolescence) they accidentally brush hands and are terrified they just killed each other but turns out their powers like. cancel out. so until they reach like 21 or 22 and can touch things without fucking them UP they just. hold hands all the time. bc otherwise they have to wear gloves to prevent Accidents and both of them “hate gloves” (and also love holding hands. gayasses)

- uhhh hallmark au where danny is a crime fiction writer out on some beach north of ocean city nj and rusty is his fancy nyc editor. everyone else is a thief including debbie who is just Very weirded out that her brother, who robbed boston’s institute of contemporary art at age 22 and got away with it, has decided to spend the rest of his life churning out books. he is very critically acclaimed and about half of the 11 are buds with him and use his published books as heist inspo. the other ~half of the 11 are buds with rusty, and they tell him if danny’s heists are feasible or not (they always are. scarily so.) anyway rusty and isabel break up 12 days before xmas and danny and tess break up 8 days before hanukkah so dannys heading to debbie’s place in upstate new york to mope for the holidays when A BLIZZARD HITS and he gets stranded in midtown. and he and rusty are buds but like. Email Buds. they dont hang out irl and therefore they dont let their Totally Bud-Like Feelings mess up their professional relationship. but danny is stranded and its hanukkah and he ends up crashing at rustys place for the duration of the blizzard. and then rusty ends up coming to debbies place for the rest of the holidays. and then they kiss on new years eve and debbie kicks them out bc theyre being gross

- And More! thanks for the ask, anon! sorry it got so long lol i just have Many Thoughts

[jimlingss]

pt.2 of yesterday

I don’t want to flood people’s dashes, so hopefully answering your messages here will suffice!

anonymous asked: Hi! I wanted to tell you how much I love your work and how you make me enjoy every Monday thanks to your regular updates ! I saw a previous anon telling you how your writings lacks of emotion and I totally disagree with them... obviously everybody won’t like it but your stories just DON’T lack of love or emotion this is madness I want to thank you for publishing your amazing stories freely here for everyone to read. (Sorry if my English is weird I’m french ejfjekfjd)

“this is madness” LOL

You’re hilarious, anon. And your english is perfectly fine!!!

anonymous asked: Hello! Im the culinary student anon who sent you an ask a while ago and i saw you received an ask about the lack of emotion from your stories. I read kitchen romance and i actually really really like it and don’t quite understand how it lacks in emotions as I interpreted the stories more like the beginning of the oc and jin’s love story and they are only starting to open up to each other so i guess thats why anon might feel like it lacks romantic vibe from both of the characters. (1)

Anonymous said: Just want to tell you that you’re one of the best writer and ive been following you for 2/3 years now, you never failed to amaze me with your writings!! All your stories are so well written that i sometimes wonder how do you come up with such an amazing plot every single time and your stories are always nice to re-read and the effort you pour into creating your stories is also admirable (2)

while i was reading kitchen romance and ive only started s&c (currently on chapter 4) i can say that its pretty similar with how it is irl (and the part where we find out jk is an iu fans reminded me of my ex-crush whose also a culinary student, i would like to tell you a story about it but ill just waste your time lol) , just want to send you a few encouragement and love for you and your writings *sending virtual hugs* (3) -👩🏻‍🍳anon

You’re too kind, thank you (and also, welcome back!). I’ll be frank, there was a hot second I was considering taking down Kitchen Romance but I didn’t cause I don’t want my efforts of editing it to go to waste asdfghjkl. I can’t believe you’ve been sticking around me for so long :’) it’s always nice to know some folks stay. Anyway, I’m glad that Sugar and Coffee is pretty similar to how it works irl since I tried my best to do research. I definitely love a good storytime as well so don’t worry about wasting my time :>

Anonymous said: a good majority of your fics display an unfathomable amount of DEPTH. regarding character development. plot. even the shortest lines of dialogue reveal so much more to the character and unveil their true emotions. i personally think the more REALISTIC side of love may be perceived as 'bland.' ‘emotionless.’ whatever you want to call it. nothing’s wrong with portraying a relationship that isn’t overboard with a whole lot of tooth aching fluff or lowkey annoying pda. +1

Anonymous said: there’s nothing wrong with taking out a bit of emotion to fit the PERSONALITIES of the characters. some people out there don’t necessarily feel a lot of emotions. so it’s honestly not really a mistake if a story lacks it (unless it was unintentional). subtlety is an art that is hard to master, but you’ve done it! and to respond to the anon, sometimes, if you skim through a fic without reading every word the author intended for you to read, +2

Anonymous said: then it’s quite common to not feel the full extent of the emotions you were supposed to feel. just a thought but no hate. we’re all entitled to our opinions. but besides that, kina, you write on a vast scale ranging from hardcore angst to diabetes-inducing fluff. and you do it beautifully. sure there are some stories that are better than others, but i believe a LOT of it comes down to personal preference and taste. +3

Anonymous said: even if you are feeling creatively limited, you work hard to continue writing for your readers, and your determination and diligence wILL NOT GO UNNOTICED. i just want you to know that you write amazingly. your syntax is practically immaculate, your characters feel real… the endings of your stories always wrap something up and the strings are tied—even if it isn’t necessarily a happy ending. you can convey hundreds of different characters through WORDS. +4

Anonymous said: i’ll have you know that it’s hard to write. it’s even harder to write about people who aren’t YOU. so as someone who looks up to you a lot, i want to commend you for your writing. some of your fics that i read on a monthly basis: tears of a villain, a piece of the moonlight, head over heels to hell, ghost in the machine, a mark of betrayal, a kiss of poison, until yesterday, the truth between us and arcadia. +5

Anonymous said: to be fair, there were way more fics but i didn’t want to make this message any longer than it already is LOL. i find these pieces wonderful. heart wrenching. and SO DAMN EMOTIONAL IT PLAGUES MY MIND FOR DAYS. also you’re literally one of the few fucking people who can use the em dash correctly. thank you so much for sharing your talent with us! +6

Oh my goodness. I don’t even know what to say, anon. This is a whole damn thesis and it’s about my fics :’> You know, it’s easy to brush off fanfiction as a ‘whatever’ thing and indeed, it isn’t that big of a deal compared to some things in the world. But I really do take all my stories seriously and put forth a lot of effort - so to see it recognized and appreciated it makes me beyond happy. It’s good to know that my efforts haven’t gone to waste at all and that there are people out there who will support me no matter the endeavours I take. Thank you so much. You don’t know how much this means to me.

((Also, honestly I picked up the em dash usage after I wrote The Truth Between Us with gukyi who used it. I’m pretty sure I’m not using it right but to hear that I am, god damn that’s a breath of relief right there))

backtobleuside submitted: Are you kidding me!? Your stories don’t lack love at all. They’re the kind of fics that you read, soak it all in and then come back for more. I’ve cried so much when I read Beyond reach, Boo-lieve in me, A piece of the moonlight, His name, Tell me lies etc. etc, and also laughed and felt the emotions of not just the OC, but also the other characters. Kitchen Romance was also so fluffy and sweet and personally, I don’t think that anything needs to be added to it. Anyway, your fics do not lack emotion—you’re probably the first author I send a message to because your stories impacted me a lot and left a strong impression on me. I even imagine your characters as real people who have real lives that continue on even after the story is done.

asdfghjkl thank you :’) I see you every week and sometimes several times at that. I really appreciate your consistent feedback and following. You never fail to send me a message too which I appreciate a lot. I’m glad you’re enjoying everything I’m producing!!

youngfleurever said: Would just like to say that your fics do in fact make me violently sob to the boy where my eyes are so swollen I have trouble opening them the next day and I wake up feeling like there’s sawdust in my mouth because I’m dehydrated.

oh my god. please keep yourself hydrated hahahahhaha more importantly, how do you know what sawdust in your mouth is like. WHAT have you been doing LOL

Anonymous said: I’ve felt emotions that I’ve never felt before when I read your fics.... so as a person that has read your entire masterlist, I DO NOT think that your fics lack emotion.... I hope you don’t feel disheartened because you’re one of my favourite writers, not just on tumblr but like, evER 💓💓💓💓💓💓

Please, even if I was disheartened, the overwhelming amount of feedback and praise has completely overridden it :’)

joonie-mono said: when tumblr deletes the first part of your ask 🙄😌✌️

LOOOOOOOL

haylo4ever said: Sorry had to add my 10 cents. You're such a talented writer,,, I WISH I could write a smol smol 1/1000000000 that you write,,, like I remember when I followed you bc I was in awe of your writing.... I mean?? Sure maybe not every fic hits it with someone but it's just ridic to name drop (a friend nonetheless) when you're all extremely talented writers.

Trust me, writing comes with practice!! I should honestly just tattoo that on me. God knows my first fanfic was absolutely GARBAGE. I didn’t know pacing, didn’t know that I should separate chunks of paragraphs, how to write dialogue or describe scenes properly. I went in blind. Even my second, third and fourth fanfic was garbage. You could definitely get to “my level” or even far surpass it with enough dedication and practice. I mean I’ve been writing for four years, so thank GOD there’s been improvement. I wouldn’t be natural if there wasn’t. But clearly the more you practice, the better you improve! That applies to anything.

The me in ten years will certainly be better now.

Anonymous said: Hi kina! I’m here in support of kitchen romance! I actually didn’t feel like it was missing a ton of fluffy moments (and I say that as a huGE LOVER OF FLUFF) but the story was just as entertaining in the whole chase of them getting closer to each other! It’s honestly one of my favorite one shots I’ve read lately and I’m not saying that lightly! Also, that anon that said your work lacks emotion has probably not read like half of your masterlist bc oO MAN QUEEN OF MAKING ME CRY- black heart anon🖤

Thank you :’]

Anonymous said: Ok I’m very offended wow the audacity!Specially coming for my baby kitchen romance like that story made me feel so much and it’s only one of the many fics you have written kina like I’m literally baffled like dynasty has made me cry scream happy and hot all at the same time and I was literally just thinking about it that whole weekend and this anon has the nerve to say your stories lack emotions?When you are literally the queen of show casing all types of emotions in your stories!You did it all

Anonymous said: Also 😭😭😭😂😂😩hoooooooow and whereeee did they see any lack of love and emotions like have you read jungle park???? Inside my mind??? FREAKING SUGAR AND COFFEE (like this fic is made with love and I- ) Actually you know what , just read the whole masterlist😩😩💗💗💗

LOL tbh I didn’t expect Dynasty to receive the love it has. I was actually kind of wary when posting it cause it’s kind of Wild. 

bangtans-peaceful-piegon said: just gotta say u handled that whole anon thing so well which not only makes me admire u as a writer but even more as a person :] (i mean i knew u were gr8 before the whole deal but yeah love ya 💛)

tbh, I’m not sure how well I handled it cause I was flooded with over 30 messages afterwards (evidently) ;_; which I love and appreciate but I’m not really as hurt as some people think hahaha criticism should be received well but it’s still hard not to take personally tbh. It’s gonna have to be something I work on or perhaps it’ll be one of those things that I’ll take better with age.

[taronfanfic]

Fast Forward

Chapter 11

You’d taken half the day off work so you could get up to the hospital and see your Dad as soon as you could. With the week ahead booked off as well it only left you with 2 days holiday for the rest of the year and you’d scheduled those in early, grabbing the days around Christmas so you could have plenty of time to spend with Taron and his family. It was something you were really looking forward to and knowing it was on the horizon would get you through the 5 day working weeks you’d have to endure. It wasn’t anyone’s fault that your Dad was ill, but you were thankful you still had the time left to take off work. Some of it would be spent relaxing on the sofa watching films, you were sure you could grab a lie-in or three and you didn’t have to spend a single minute thinking about work so it was still close enough to getting away somewhere for a proper holiday. You even thought you might get chance to do a bit of research towards a foreign holiday for you and Taron next year to make up for it.

The daydreams of sunnier weather were put on hold once you’d arrived at the hospital. That sickening smell brought back all the fear and nerves and made you want to leave immediately but you forced your feet to continue down the corridor so you could join your mum in the small room she’d been waiting in all day. Your Dad was due out of theatre roughly when your train had arrived, but he’d still not been brought back to his room from the recovery ward. Instead there was a bleak gap between the chairs where his bed should have been.

“Hey.” You greeted your Mum softly.

“I got my hopes up then when the door opened,” she sighed, “No one’s been in to tell me anything since they took him off at 8am!”

“Do you want me to go and find someone to ask what’s happening?”

“No, no. They’re all busy doing proper work and don’t need us slowing them down. I’m sure they’ll bring him back soon.” She tried to smile but you could see the fear in her eyes from thinking something must have gone wrong. “I will go and stretch my legs and get a coffee now you’re here. Do you want one?”

“Yes, thanks.”

As your Mum left the room you spotted her book on the side table, the pages well thumbed through and corners still bent over to mark her places. It was the same title that Julie had mentioned in the tea-room last weekend, so you picked it up with intrigue and read the back cover. It was a psychological thriller set between a mother, daughter and son-in-law-to-be and you rolled your eyes imagining how she must be picturing the same dynamic in the mirror of her own life. Perhaps she’d projected some of the negativity from the book onto Taron without realising it? You didn’t get a chance to read through any of the chapters before the doors were being held back by two nurses and a porter wheeled your Dad in his bed back into the centre of the room. He was quickly hooked up to a drip and a monitor, and then the room emptied out of hospital staff before you’d had chance to ask them anything. His hand felt chilly as you placed yours over the top and watched closely as he started to wake up.

“Jane?” He croaked out quietly.

“No, it’s Y/N.” You replied before picking up the glass of water on the tray at the end of his bed and moving the straw into place so he could take a sip.

“Y/N.” He smiled softly. “Even better. Thanks, love.”

“How are you doing?”

“Where’s Taron?” He frowned as he slowly looked to the empty chair on the other side of the bed.

“He’s at work, he’s staying in London this time so you’ve only got me this week.”

“Oh no. I knew Jane would upset him. I told her!”

“Dad, it’s fine, he’s alright about it. You don’t need to worry about us anyway, focus on you!”

“Oh I’m fine.” He shook his head before coughing slightly and then wincing in pain. “Well I will be.” You placed a kiss to the back of his hand before giving him another drink just as your Mum got back with two coffees in hand. She was quick to place them down and take your Dad into a long but gentle hug as she placed a kiss to his forehead.

“I was getting worried.”

“Not you as well.” He rolled his eyes. “Making me wonder what’s happened to this family with all the worrying and sympathy and time spent together in the same room!”

“I can go.” You joked as you pointed to the door and went to stand up.

“Don’t you dare!” You Mum snapped back before apologising just as quickly. “Sorry, stress.”

The conversation tiptoed across eggshells, often landing in spots of lengthy silence as you did your best not to wind each other up. Before long you needed a break so offered to go and buy some food, taking in some fresh air as you walked down the road towards the nearest takeaway shop. It was only then that you checked your phone and switched it off silent, opening up a serious of messages from Taron who seemed to have had an entirely one-sided conversation with himself since he left work.

“You’re easily amused.” You teased him as he answered your call almost immediately.

“What happened to having your phone on you at all times?”

“I will when I’m not sat in the hospital!”

“Good. So you’re back at home now?”

“Not yet, just walking up to the chippy. Visiting ends at about half 8 tonight I think.”

“Have they said how long they’re keeping him in for?”

“Not yet, I guess it depends how he is over night. Hopefully they’ll let him out at some point tomorrow. He’s making a few jokes though so he’s getting there already.”

“That’s brilliant.”

“Hold on 2 minutes while I order.” You paused your conversation and held your phone by your side as you ordered a selection of bits for your Dad to pick at, knowing you’d eat anything that was left over, and then paid. “Right, I’m back.”

“What are you having?”

“Guess? I’d give you 3 guesses, but I know you’ll only need one.”

“If you’re not having cheesy chips then you’re no longer my girlfriend.” He replied nonchalantly.

“Brutal!”

“But I’m not a single man, so I’m right, aren’t I?”  

“The world is still turning, I am still your girlfriend, and when I hang up I will be sending you a photo to make you jealous.”

“God I hate and love you so much at the same time.”

“The feeling’s mutual.” You laughed. “So what are you up to?”

“Re-heating last night’s leftovers and then I was thinking of meeting the boys in the pub, that’s if you’re okay though.”

“I’m fine, it’s all good here so you should definitely go and see them.”

“Sure? I can stay in so we can facetime later if you want.”

“No, you go. I was planning on having a bath and an early night so we’ll facetime tomorrow night.”

“Facetime me from the bath anyway?” He asked cheekily.

“No! You’ll be in the middle of the pub!” You hissed back, suddenly conscious of the people around you who were also waiting for their orders.

“Mean. But it was worth a shot. We’ll save that for when we really really miss each other.”

“Tomorrow then.” You laughed. “Ah my chips are ready so I’ve got to go, I’ll text you later.”

“Enjoy!” Taron ended the call cheerily and you couldn’t hold back the smile on your face as you made your way back to the hospital. It didn’t budge an inch as you sat eating your cheesy chips, thinking back to that rainy night where Taron first offered you one, and then his hoodie and sofa for the night. Things would be so different now if you’d not forgotten your keys.

You were snatched away from that happy place when a doctor entered the room, initially smiling down at the array of unhealthy food you’d snuck in to the hospital before he composed himself and looked deadly serious.

“Sorry to break up this delicious smelling feast, but I wanted to come and see you as soon as I could. The operation this morning went well, and we removed the tumour without too much of a struggle, so Michael will heal up as expected. The one thing we hadn’t expected, based off the initial biopsy, was the full range of cells contained within the tumour. We inspect everything closely, more for research than anything else, but it has meant that we have had to reverse our initial observations on the tumour being benign.”

“What do you mean?” Your Mum asked quickly.

“There are traces of cancer cells within the tumour that we’ve removed.”

“But they’re out, so it’s ok?” Your Dad tried to clarify.

“Yes, for the most part. Obviously we can’t be 100% certain that we’ve managed to remove all the traces, and based on the size of the tumour there’s a fair chance the cancer could have started to spread before we got to it.”

“How will we know?”

“I have put an urgent referral through to oncology for you and you’ll be taken for more scans and reassessed. It could be that, in time, you are set on a course of chemotherapy to essentially lower the risk of anything else developing but oncology will be able to explain all of that in more detail for you. I’m sorry it’s not better news, but I’m confident we’ve removed everything we needed to and that’s the best starting place with this.”

Starting place. You sighed as you continued to stare at the speckled blue and grey floor between your feet. Just as you thought the worst part was over the next, bigger, hurdle is there to be jumped and the weight has descended straight back onto your shoulders.

Taglist: @egerton-sweetie  @amanda-tallmadge @lizziespidiepridie @leanimal90 @anantheminmyheart22 @aynsleywalker​ @bohemianrhapsody86​ @butterfliesslugswormsandothershi @manners-maketh-taron @livingincompletesilence@marvelmakeuplover @ohsosmutty@misspygmypie  @manners-maketh-a-kingsman@courtmr @baileythepenguin@thomaslefteyebrow @witchymarvelspacecase @samanthasmileys@nellietara @i-cant-remember-my-old-login @wheresmylightinthedark@kurtis-conner@hoe4dior @toky-9101 @mayaslifeinabox@fluentlyspeakingtreason @yallyallblanchett @whiskeylipsx@emmaelizabeth2014​ @primaba11erina @fightuntilyoucan @carlita2025 @rocknrollmadden

[thesisterlisa]

Spiraling in Illness and Wondering WHY in God’s name people don’t want universal health care.

The holidays were rushed, full, and enjoyable, but undecorating and getting back to normal life hasn’t been. It seems my body has some strange way of getting sick every year around the holidays. And when I say sick I mean the kind of sick that puts me on the hospital for a week. And as it usually is, I get sick for a week and that runs me down to the point of needing the hospital. Then it’s a week there and a few weeks of recovery at home.

I miss my energy. I miss being able to keep up with all the things I normally do. It makes me feel so frustrated and I end up breaking down in tears. 

My laundry got so backed up, as has my desk. I haven’t even worked my business in over a month. That makes me very sad. I love my business and I miss it. But my energy level is so low I don’t have the strength to work..not even part time. Not yet anyway. I hope to be back at it soon, before my $12 a month bank fee swallows up what’s left in my account.

I’m not usually the type of person that just vents or complains about my life. I don’t have a bad life. It’s been worse in the past and I’m thankful for what I have now. Jotting down my thoughts can sometimes be kind of therapeutic. The hard part about putting it out there on the internet is when NO ONE comments. Even harder on FB in groups because you can see how many people VIEWED what you said and yet they don’t comment. Damn that sucks. And when I ask family if they saw my post on my wall they say yes but never liked, hearted or commented on it. Gee, thanks a lot. I poured out my guts about how sick I was and how much I suffered and I get nothing. 

I had a life-threatening illness. Had I not gone to the ER I could have died in my own bed. I know some people have issues with visiting hospitals, but when you have a loved one in the hospital GET OVER IT and go see them. Call them. DO SOMETHING. Otherwise they wonder why the F*ck they’re even trying to get better.

You know what one (among millions) of things I like about Taylor? She wrote a f*cking SONG for her mom when she was sick. She also wrote a song about her BEST DAY with her mom. I know not everyone can write a song, but damn...a comment on FB or sending a text would at least be something. You know who went above and beyond? My stepmom. She saw my comment on FB and within ONE HOUR she sent flowers and a balloon. Damn she’s good. The 3rd night I was there my mother-in-law delivered burgers for everyone. But I don’t need flowers, honestly. Just the compassion, some kind of acknowledgement helps. More than just “glad you’re home” “sorry you’re sick” but how about “Gosh I didn’t realize you were suffering so hard.” “I’m sorry I didn’t reach out. I didn’t realize you were alone all week crying at the hospital” “I’m so sorry you’re suffering, I’ll go clean the house for you and deliver pizza to the kids”. 

I hate having to wave my arms and raise my voice about how sick I am, but if I don’t.... I feel like I may drown.

If you’ve read my previous posts you’ll know we’re fostering our niece. Even our social worker took time to contact me and make sure I was ok and she insisted I REST this weekend. But as much as I need to and want to (because there’s no other way for me to GET better) I end up playing referee between kids. Because if I stay in bed all I hear is arguing over chores. I think this weekend we will have a family meeting so I can tell it like it is. If I don’t fight for myself, I’m not sure anyone else will fight for me. I guess they just need to hear the details about what I’m really dealing with. It’s not enough for me to just say “I’m sick”. It’s so much more than that. It’s a life-threatening illness that I’ve never even heard of, but apparently it’s COMMON and rampant! Most hospitals KNOW about it, but I had never heard of it before. It’s called Sepsis. You can go to Sepsis.org to read more. I’m already suffering an autoimmune issue (that my doctors haven’t even been able to pinpoint) so when I developed sepsis, my body couldn’t defend me. it attacked me. Sepsis attacked my lungs and I came down with pneumonia. This was the 4th time I’ve been on the hospital for pneumonia. This new doctor told me to ask my general practitioner to send me to a specialist. I need to do more to protect myself from getting sick.

I’ve lost 8 pounds in about a week. I’m still suffering side effects from the antibiotics so anything I eat goes right through me. My body doesn’t even have time to absorb nutrients. I’m consuming electrolytes, vitamins, probiotics, etc. 

My next appt is on Tuesday. Tuesday can’t come fast enough. I’m anxious to move forward with finding a specialist. But even after my appt on Tuesday, I have to wait up to 2 weeks for insurance to approve the visit THEN I have to wait for said doctor to have an opening, which could be another 2 -4 weeks after that. I don’t know how they expect us to get better when we have to jump through all these hoops to even be seen by someone. Our country’s healthcare sucks!

Insurance companies want you to PAY but they don’t want to make it easy for you to get healthy. Stingy greedy companies. If their customers can GET healthy they won’t have to pay out so much! But they give sick people the run around and they just get sicker and insurance has to pay out MORE. UGH! Ridiculous.

How can I even get better when there’s so much stress surrounding the recovery process?! If we had better health care it would be easier to get healthy. 

VOTE! Don’t wait til YOU get sick...VOTE for our country’s healthcare! or it could be YOU suffering while having NO choices.

We need unlimited universal healthcare. And we need it now.

Lisa

[girlreportsmoved]

MY JUSTICE LEAGUE REVIEW.

okay, so as many of you know, i did get to see justice league the day it came out last weekend ! a bunch of people have been asking me to post my review, i’ve been incredibly busy which is why this did not post sooner. a bunch of spoilers below, you have been warned. 

so OVERALL, i really did like it....sort of.  i actually liked the length, it was much easier to process & observe then say, the avengers, but we got so m u c h cut, not even just from lois but like.....barry saving iris, vicTOR STONE, i m e a n ...... srsly. like they could have done it ! better ! within the runtime ! if they had just cut out whedons bullshit quips & barry falling into diana boobs! but anyways, more on that later. the score was so so good, esp the opening song i c ried but honestly danny elfman wasnt the best. i wouldve preferred junkiexl, bc at least he wouldve paid homage 2 zimmers score (im v bitter.)

i LOVED the opening montage. snyder all the way i mean, i s t an one(1) caucasian man. also lmao im referring to the gotham city scene, NOT the superman video clip bc a. cgi & b. like what purpose does it even serve if the camera doesnt immediately pan 2 lois after he answers that question lmao. but the batman cinematography over gotham was on p o int. honestly the way they designated each portion of the introduction to a specific superhero - like the coloring, the backstory, everything - i really liked the seperate sections each for aquaman, the flash, cyborg, etc. idk wonderbat was un nessacary in the dceu but i dislike b/en affle/ck so lmao. steve joke was NOT cool tho. 

okay but i LOVE ezra millers’ barry allen. i would die for him im not even JOKING he was so GOOD and stole the show honestly. God bless they couldnt have picked a better actor tbh. i really wished we could have gotten more of cyborg’s insight/backstory but my man ray fisher fucking shined. aquaman strutting down the docks to icky thump while downing a bottle of whiskey is my aesthetic....thats Hawt. again, more backstory (mera was in for like 2 minutes i mean what the fuck)

 but yeah. i wont talk much about batfleck bc a. no character development he was just there lmao and b. i dont like him ( i love comics bruce wayne ok just not gross ass sexual harasser b*n affl*ck playing him).  i love alfred tho. obviously nothing can been the nolanverse alfred but this ones pretty damn good, they both do a good job of knowing lois is both the key AND the big guns, hats off 2 u BOTH. bruce felt so guilty tho i mean whyy bro some of it i think was just so diana could comfort him which was....uh ok. i like the gadgets !! also him adopting barry allen. i miss the batfamily!! also ‘whats ur superpower’ ‘im rich’ well goddamN. wonder woman was underused. i mean she can obviously hold her own in a fight against supes longer then that, if not beating him like r u KIDDING me. but ya my girl kicked ass

moving on, steppenwolf couldve used more backstory/screentime. i didnt...rlly...get...his motives aside from him being chaos personified or whatever. not the best villian but he couldve been tbh with the story he had. my AMAZONS slayed. the motherbox thing was explained so quickly, the connections between worlds was v clear like damn the mcu could never (i love marvel dont get it twisted tho.)  i loved the themes of unity and everything but it needed more woman. i know this sounds arbitrary but...lmao so far, no male-centred dceu film has passed the bechtel test. wonder woman is the ONLY one. fucking ridiculous.  not even a two minutes conversation with lois empathizing with her pain like goddamn.

clarks alive, we been KNEW, obviously. the resurrection wasnt super confusing but kind of like a letdown. i would have preferred if it hadnt been the league to resurrect him, instead like some other sun power or maybe steppenwolfs scheme or something, it seemed a little wrong. im not even gonna talk about henrys mustache until later when i unload the shit in whedon sO - i personally like his new suit!! he wasnt in the film too much tbh, honestly wb either owes me a full directors cut of him explaining his thought process about returning to earth and his character development theron, OR man of steel 2. like cmon man. boy came back from the dead wtf is going on there. much more of a classic superman then in bvs which i liked, but it seemed kind of rushed & i miss snyders depth.

now onto the main event: (jkjk but rly) LOIS JOANNE LANE !  first off i really loved her wardrobe, the contrasing blues and navies with her red hair like...i see u supes coloring scheme, i see what u did there. i love her bond with martha. i love amys face. but u know what i didnt love that ill 10000% elaborate more on and put into a seperate post for my jl verse? pretty much everything else. yes, a woman’s grief should be validated and never underestimated or mocked, yes, a woman’s grief does not make her any bit less strong. but lois, my lois at least, i strongly believe, would not have stuck to fluff pieces. she is VERY all or nothing when it comes to this, its either the truth, or nothing at all. in the event of supermans death OR disappearance, she would have grieved, she would have been heartbroken - but she would have persevered, evidenced in the comics heavily. more on this later.

i am VERY pissed about amy’s cut/reshot scenes. all the heartfelt clips shown during test screenings, all of zacks intentions, all of the original screenplay - lmao, cut.  does lois ever talk to martha about anything other then clark? groceries? investigations? anything else to build a solid mother-daughter relationship? ok. the nightmare scene where she remembers clark? gone. the in depth conversations with martha in the farmhouse? zilch. the independent investigations of s.t.a.r labs unveiling steppenwolf/ the mother boxes that shows her manifesto in full force? nowhere. the goddamn proper clois reunion from the trailer where the ring was MENTIONED/CONFIRMED like every other logical person expected, the heartfelt reunion about truth and justice and love? fucking no w here.

lois lane deserves a stand alone. or at least a short, or a tv show. im fucking serious. all that lois/diana setup from bvs and they dont even t a lk. cmon. lois is a sidenote in the story !! im so MAD. like yes, forever grateful for ‘big guns’ and ‘backup plan’ but whedon fuckin twisted it all man.....what happened to her being the key? how the fuck did flash know about this? did they cut something else? i MEAN she has virtually NO onscreen contact with bruce, who should be regularly checking up on her bc shes the key & all, or from diana, who sympathizes with her pain via bvs/ww cinematographic parallels that were obviously intentional. no league interactions at all. im unimpressed.

and finally, FINALLY, the real bone i have to pick with this movie. joss whedon. gross ass bitch doesnt even cut it so im gonna try to keep this as short as possible. he reshot ALL of supermans scenes against snyders will, reducing the role of him and lois, disregarding the talent of amy adams and reducing her whole ‘arc’ to be about clark, the flash/diana boob faceplant, the horrible cinematography, bruces’ steve trevor references, its all fucking whedon. i could go on, but i dont wanna combust into flames. so. lets just say hes a piece of middle-aged bald white man mediocrity with a brain the size of a a literal bat shit. fuck him. 

but OVERALL, i would give this film around a 60-65/100, which is being generous. they could have done!! so GOOD!! but no they picked a trash bag to direct the film reshoots? sad.

[iwaoiyoonminphan]

JJP Fic Rec

hi! i love jaebum, jinyoung, and most importantly jjp so here’s a fic rec for the ship of the life 

this is hardly a fraction of the quality jjp on ao3, but these are honestly my favourites and the ones i recommend the most! enjoy and join me in jjp hell

sfw (no smut)

1. (why dont you) speak it out loud  by sevencm 

complete/ post college au/ fluff/ 9k

“Imagine that A and B are dating, but person B doesn't voice their feelings much. One day person B is cursed/drinks a truth serum and has to say everything they think about out loud. Person B starts saying 'I love you' and other super cheesy shit to person A every five minutes. Person A enjoys it very much.” 

thoughts: actually the cutest fic to ever exist! the characterization in this fic is so good and i reread it all the time^^

2. Falsettos, Stains, and Drama   by jaenly 

complete/ high school au/ fluff/ 9k 

“It all starts when Jinyoung becomes Juliet Capulet.”

thoughts: ok so like jjp are both in drama club and they end up as romeo and Juliet. actually the cutest ever jaebum was so shy n bashful ///////// n jinyoung was dense as fuck, the ending made me smile so much!    

3. look at me for a sec (don’t be too awkward) by turbrolence(shortiest) 

complete/ hogwarts au/ fluff/ 10k 

“in which a bludger shatters jinyoung's shoulder and jaebum ends up volunteering to feed him breakfast.“

thoughts: so cute!!!!!!!!!! jinyoung is dense as a brick and i loved his interactions with the side characters too, jaebum was s o chivalrous but also dorky and SO ENDEARING this fic makes me want to spontaneously combust honestly 

4. Of douchebags and pretty boys  by schoetheisrealaf 

complete/ asshole au sorta/ fluff and humour/ 7k 

“’Dear Dog Biscuit, Since you seem unable to understand the sign that clearly indicates that this parking space is to be exclusively used by the staff of this facility, I’ll kindly explain it to you again: Until you’re an employee of the state who works his ass off for society only to get shit wages and the worst working hours you CAN’T USE THIS PARKING LOT, SO FUCK OFF! Apart from that, have a nice day. PS.: I hope you don’t have sex for a year. :)’

OR

You steal my parking spot all the time and I was just heading out to leave a strongly worded note under your windshield wiper but oh no you're hot AU Starring Jinyoung the kindergarten teacher and Jaebum the (arrogant yet dorky) business man“ 

thoughts: ok ok so this is so funny n also soft? jinyoung and kids makes me really happy and why is jaebum like this??? hilarious and also so cute rereading this is always fun! 

 5. opportunity cost  by symmetrophic 

 complete/ corporate au/ fluff and humour/ 4k 

“kim yugyeom, 25, is PA to park jinyoung, 29, feared ceo of park powers (this sounds marginally less ridiculous in korean). a lot more intellectually insulting and ghei than it sounds.”

thoughts: this fic is kind of yugyeom centric but its so funny and cute i just couldnt resist ukno!! jinyoung depends on yugyeom so much its cute and also jinyoung screaming over jaebum? the BEST 

6. Always By My Side by bb_bambam 

complete/ soulmates au/ fluff and angst/ 21k 

“Soulmates!AU where after you meet your soulmate, you experience physical pain when you’re apart for more than 12 hours until you both acknowledge that you’re soulmates.Essentially, it takes Jinyoung and Jaebum way longer than it should have to figure out that they’re soulmates.“

thoughts: the softest soulmate au ever! i especially loved how it was set in canonverse bc the emotions were so real n pure! the au setting was very clear and jaebum made me ssso sad 

7. Your Smile Is Sweeter Than (Hot) Chocolate  by bb_bambam 

complete/ coffee shop au/ fluff/ 12k 

“Jaebum brings Youngjae to a coffee shop for some hot chocolate, and they end up getting Jinyoung instead.Basically, the jjp coffeeshop/kidfic mashup au no one asked for.“ 

thoughts: another one from the goddess herself! jinyoung is the best barista and single dad jaebum is so sweet n whipped i loved it so much its just tooth rotting fluff tbh and kid! youngjae im really about to SCRE AM 

8. Topaz by setaxis 

complete/ idol verse/ angst/ 6k 

“Mark loves much the way he does everything else, quietly, unthinkingly. He doesn't know when he fell in love with Jackson. He doesn't think it matters much.

xxx

I do not love you as if you were salt-rose, or topaz, or the arrow of carnations the fire shoots off. I love you as certain dark things are to be loved, in secret, between the shadow and the soul.” 

thoughts: ok this is the only main markson side jjp but i included it in this list bc jjp is pretty important here too and the angst hurts so much jaebum is so stupid and jinyoung hurts prepare to cry 

nsfw (w/ smut)

1. Disappear Here by foxxing(gayfantasticfour) 

complete/ detective au/ angst and mystery/ 70k 

“Homicide detective Im Jaebum's career has been steady and his personal life mostly uneventful, until the morning officer Choi Youngjae wakes him up at 3am and he finds out his childhood best friend and ex-partner has been murdered. He takes the case only to watch everything he's ever known slip through his fingers like sand and to finally figure out that sometimes life is all about finding forgiveness.” 

thoughts: this one was an emotional roller coaster! the plot was really intriguing and i cried so hard at the end. the writing was amazing too, as expected of the queen of jjp fanfiction 

2. read you like a magazine by dollyeo 

complete/ college au/ enemies to friends to lovers (!!)/ 42k 

“Ever since Jaebum passed auditions and he didn't, Jinyoung's been hell-bent on hating the guy. Now that they're in uni together, it's like destiny is screwing up all of his plans.”

thoughts: theres no actual smut in this but theres other nsfw-ish content so read at your own risk! this fic has the perfect amount of angst and fluff and ENEMIES TO FRIENDS TO LOVERS AAAAAAA jinyoungs character development was super fascinating n jaebum was so whipped in this i love him 

3. Citation by KingJackson 

complete/ college au/ enemies to lovers/ 115k 

“When the one book he needs for an important term paper has to remain in the campus library, Jinyoung catches the eye of Jaebum, a library assistant.”

thoughts: a fandom classic honestly! jinyoung is such a bitch but soft perfect jaebum loves him anyway its so angsty but also the best gghhhhhh check out the sequel renewal its also SO GOOD 

4. A Certain Romance by foxxing(gayfantasticfour) 

complete/ escort au?/ fluff/ 17k 

“By day, he's a top-rated babysitter. By weekends he's an x-rated escort. These things are generally kept separate, until the day his weekend regular gets his phone number by recommendation and calls for an emergency babysitter. The problem is that Jaebum doesn't know that Junior the escort is also Jinyoung the babysitter.In which Jaebum and Jinyoung know each other in the biblical sense but maybe want to get to know each other, too.“ 

thoughts: also by the queen! jinyoung with kids is the bane of my existence tbh and kid! yugyeom gives me so much feelings bOI jaebum is kind of awkward in this but jinyoung still likes him hehehe i loved this SO MUCH 

5. Compass Calling by sugarbowl 

ongoing/ pirate au/ action and angst and fluff/ 65k rn 

“Prince Jinyoung is destined for a lifetime of luxury, until he's shoved in a trunk and accidentally abducted. Im Jaebum clawed his way out of poverty to captain a pirate ship and... not much else, actually. Jinyoung could be his first real treasure, if Jaebum could just figure out how holding someone for ransom actually works.“

thoughts: cant believe this is the only fic on this list by god (actually just read sugarbowl’s entire ao3) this fic is so beautiful jaebum is kind of dorky and also really cool this fic had me at the edge of my seat all the time AMAZING 

6. The Tiger & The Duke by foxxing(gayfantasticfour) 

ongoing/ sugar daddy au/ angst/ 160k rn 

“Im Jaebum is the richest man in the country under forty, content to mess around and skirt the headlines as a cutthroat businessman and casual playboy. Park Jinyoung is a graduated English Literature major, content with (in Jackson's words) his boring life working at a restaurant and writing poetry. When their worlds collide over a spilled cup of coffee, Jinyoung learns there's a lot more to life than the secrets of his past and the safety of library books.“

thoughts: another one... but this is so good ok at first i was kinda wary bc the ten year age gap but its not very important in the plot and nothing illegal happens lol jinyoung makes me want to PROTECT and jaebum is trying his best ok hes sO anyway its good and ill cry when it ends 

7. muses by comingbackhometoyou

complete/ star trek au/ enemies to lovers/ 120k

“Your dad gave his life for-”

“Yeah, yeah I know,” Jaebum interrupts, voice ringing through the empty bar. “My dad gave his life for Starfleet and died with honors. I’ve heard this story a thousand times before. No offense, but why should it matter to me? Why are you here telling me what I’ve known since I was five years old?”

Jaebum has been running for 16 years when his past finally catches up with him.”

thoughts: this one doesnt have much smut i think just ALMOST smut but anyway i dont even like star trek but this made me so sad jjp love each other so much its beautiful and i love jinyoungs no-nonsense character its so funny and also heart wrenching i dont know this fic just hurts me its wonderful 

i hope you liked my recommendations and enjoyed the fics as much as i did! the jjp fandom is honestly blessed by so many good writers so i hope you find more good work in the tags!! 

[suchawonderfullife]

Day 14-15: End of week 3, neurotransmitters, EMDR and preparing to go home

So I had a break from some of the therapies to help my body cope better. On day 14 we tested exactly what parts of my limbic system are fractured. What came up was: midbrain, cingulate gyrus, basal ganglia, amygdala and frontal cortex. My Dr gave me a book that I mentioned in my previous post about repairing the limbic system. I’ve read up to chapter 5 so far and it has answered a lot of questions. It has also confirmed a lot of things regarding my behaviours and emotional responses to things. 

I’ve spent many years in therapy and really believe in personal development. So I’ve read books on CBT, mindfulness and doing anything I can to improve my mindset and understand why I am the way I am. I believe I have issues of abandonment from my childhood and my Dr confirmed this in further testing he did within my limbic system. I also have multiple traumas from car accidents and sexual assaults. My Dr talked in a video he uploaded about a trauma he experienced when he witnessed a car accident and how that fractured his limbic system. After he witnessed this accident he then couldn’t drive down that same road without panicking. His fight or flight response was activated and it was sending him warning signals when in reality there was no real danger. I had the same experience, except more extreme after my first car accident. 11 years later I still have PTSD like responses in a car, especially if I’m a passenger. So I now know that this is my limbic system firing warning signals, which are involuntary and subconscious. It also by-passes the logical part of your brain, so you cannot reason or calm down this response with logical thinking. It is your brain’s way of protecting you. It’s just that it’s ability to assess threats and need for warning you, are now messed up and needs to be re-wired. 

My Dr recommended I find an EMDR practitioner back home. The book I’m reading is for DNRS training, which is only available in USA or Canada and attending a seminar is very expensive. You can buy the DNRS DVD’s however my Dr said it takes a lot of commitment to keep up with the DVD and (for my personal needs), EMDR training with a practitioner would work best to start off with. My dad researched practitioners back home and found a few in my area. He also found out that I can get a referral from my GP and possibly be able to get these appointments bulk-billed. If not, I can at least get 10 sessions with a % paid by medicare. 

On Day 15 we looked at treating my neurotransmitters. I also asked my Dr if I could use float tanks when I return home as a friend asked me if I’d like to go with her. He said it would be totally fine, but it is not for detoxing (which I knew). It is simply a good way to relax and possibly reach a meditative state (from my understanding). Which I am all for, as working on my mind and keeping myself calm and grounded is very important through this healing process. I also asked him about detox devices to possibly use at home, such as an ionic foot bath. He said that an ionic foot bath actually doesn’t detox. Many years ago it was thought that this is what it did, but it doesn’t. It actually works the same as himalayan salt lamps or being near the ocean. Meaning it helps put negative ions into your body (that’s what I understand about it anyway). If you disagree that’s fine. He said it’s still good for you and negative ions are a good thing to be around, but it’s not a necessity (for me) as it doesn’t detox. He said if I could afford anything, the Bemer (behmer?) is best. However, it costs around $6,000US haha! Oh to dream! 

I told him how my partner and I played a strategy game last night called Splendor. It is quite complex as you need to be able to multitask by watching what your opponent is doing and potentially sabotaging them, whilst trying to build your own game and keep track of what’s going on on the board. My brain really struggled with this. In the first round I couldn’t multi-task and just had to simply focus on myself. Realising my brain couldn’t do what I wanted it to was frustrating. However, by the second game it’s as if my brain had gotten used to that way of thinking and I found it easier to play. I then won the second game and did even better again in the third game. This shows how the brain is like a muscle and that working on things, it can improve. My Dr said that playing games like that was good for my brain. The same goes for playing the piano (I’ve played for 16 years but struggle with short-term memory loss and sometimes cannot work my brain well enough to play at all). Anything you can do that challenges your brain, he recommends. 

Anyway, back to the neurotransmitters. He explained all about what a neurotransmitter is and why they are not working properly for me. He said that neurotransmitters are the chemicals that carry transmissions in the brain. I can’t remember clearly everything else he explained along with that. What I do remember, is that all nerves have little junctions through them, they are not just a straight nerve. So the messages must be able to pass through these junctions. I think what he explained is that the messages struggle to pass through these junctions for me, not entirely sure. There is something wrong with them too though. He also drew a diagram of my intestine with the little “villi” that line the cells and absorb nutrients. Something is wrong with those as well that ties into it all, so we have to rebuild those. There was also something of relevance called GABA (Gaba amino, Butyric acid). They are coupled as GA and BA and need to work together. He tested me on these things and I came up as toxic for Glutamate (which controls fight or flight response) and is found in one of the GA or BA group. I am also toxic in Taurine which is found in the opposite group of the glutamate, which makes things tricky as each of their “partners” I am deficient in. He also said I have an acetylcholine deficiency and I was exposed to some sort of toxic garden chemical at some point in my life that helped contribute to these issues (he said the name of it).

I take L-Glutamine at night and have done so for over 5 years. L-Glutamine (same as Glutamate) helps rebuild gut bacteria. My Dr is not liking me taking it, but I feel that when I do not take it, my depression kicks in. He said that because glutamate is an “upper,” he is not surprised that I experience depression when not taking it. My body came up as toxic to it though, meaning I have far too much in my body. So hopefully I can find a way to wean off it without it creating depression. My Dr said he would rather me stay on it than it triggering my depression. 

To counteract these problems, he tested me for different remedies and I have to take a spray along with specific tablets 2x a day to help rebuild the lining in my gut which will then have an effect on the neurotransmitters (I think that’s how it works anyway). He said the tablets I have to take will give me “growing pains” in my gut, the same as when you’re a child and you go through a growth spurt and experience discomfort. I’ve taken these tablets for 3 days now and notice that I do get some cramping or feeling a bit “yuck” in my stomach, but he said that if it becomes unbearable I can take the tablets with food to ease that discomfort. 

I know I didn’t explain that very well, but I’m going off the notes I have (which wasn’t a lot as he was drawing a lot and explaining things quickly) and my memory sucks haha. It’s now a 4 day weekend here for Memorial Day so I have 4 days off treatment before returning on Wednesday. This actually works out well as my Dr said it will be good to give my body a decent break to see how it copes just before I return home. My friends that have already gone home, it seems they experience a challenging transition as their body is no longer receiving the supporting therapies everyday, yet they are taking all their new supplements and remedies and their body is going through a heavy detox. So some are not feeling the greatest (but have also had to return to work and caring for children) and are finding ways to help their body through this process as they are removing toxic entities faster than their bodies can expel it. The clinic gives you information to take home on ways to detox and my friends have said when they do those things they do feel a lot better.  

For me, my body is having a bit of a hard time. I feel tired a lot. Not really a fatigue, but more like a strong tiredness you feel when you are sick with the flu and your body just wants to be lazy and sleep. I’ve been spending a lot of this weekend on the couch and taking naps. I get small windows of energy, so we head out and have all these plans, but my body has usually had enough half way through our first plan, so we return home and I rest again. I’ve been having detox baths everyday with epsom salts and selected essential oils and this definitely helps. Today I started to feel more and more unwell. Just this all over toxic feeling, headache, nausea and tiredness. So I had a detox bath and this halved my symptoms. 

I’m not bedridden or “seriously ill” (compared to what I’m used to anyway. A healthy person may think they’re dying if they were in my body, but when you’ve been sick for a long time, your scale of a little unwell to really sick becomes quite different). I know this is my body getting rid of bad stuff and healing. It is working really hard and I am grateful. I have many symptoms that are pretty mild or that come through for a minute and then disappear. I rate my symptoms at a 6/10, so I keep telling myself of how it could be worse and I’m doing OK. Today I don’t feel like leaving the house, I’ve spent the day either on the couch or in the bath. But I can get up and do small things, talk and somewhat function. In regards to returning home, I’m preparing myself mentally for the amount of work it is going to take daily for me to do everything that needs to be done, for my body to heal and to adhere to all the clinic has taught and given me. 

I will probably need to have at least 1 detox bath and sauna per day. I will need to see an EMDR practitioner. I will be taking all my tablets and tinctures multiple times a day (this factors into leaving the house or eating out as I need to plan around taking all this). I’ll need to expend a lot of energy on my diet, ensuring I eat as healthy as possible, juicing, cooking from scratch, making soups with bone broth etc. I have brain exercises to do, many books to read and also need to work on my spiritual and emotional well-being. This includes going outside everyday and grounding my body. Yesterday I was feeling my usual heavy tiredness and I forced myself to go sit outside on the grass. I just sat there and picked grass out the ground (my Dr said to do something distracting that connects you with the earth such as pull weeds). Half an hour of this and I went back into our room feeling a little more restored.

That’s all for now. I had to wait for a big window of energy to write this. I’m looking forward to my final tune-ups Wed-Fri. Then we are flying to LA on Sunday and back home to Australia the following Wednesday. I am hoping my body is not THIS tired for my flights, but I will do my best to maintain positivity and keep telling myself it’ll be ok. The universe usually pulls through and works in my favour. 

[kansascityhappenings]

Joe’s Weather Blog: We’re going to need a bigger shovel-maybe (WED-2/13)

Happy Wednesday! The good news is that we’ve got a breezy and milder day heading this way with highs into the 50s. Get out…enjoy it…do whatever…but get out of the house because regardless of how much snow we get from these systems that are coming through over the next week…it’s going to get cold. Thursday will be the transition day…and we’re into the cold on Friday with alternating snow chances and sticking snow likely. As I mentioned yesterday we won’t get blasted by the full-on effects of each potential storm but at least one get us…and the one that I’m most concerned about at this point is the one for Friday afternoon>evening.

Forecast:

Today: Lots of high clouds around…turning windy in the afternoon with highs 50-55° or so. Winds possibly gusting to near 30 MPH

Tonight: Milder with fair skies and lows well into the 30s

Thursday: A cold front will move through with variable clouds. The timing of the front appears to be near or after lunch. Highs may reach about 50° (colder north>warmer south) before dropping into the 20s in the evening with teens as wind chills.

Friday: Snow developing with accumulations likely. Highs 20-25°

Discussion:

First of all…as usual thanks for reading the weather blog. Yesterday it was the #1 item on our web page which is always humbling. It still amazes me the comments on FB I get about this “outlet” for me. So many mention that they learn about the weather and like the whys and whatfors about these storms…set-ups…whatever. A darn weather blog. Still amazes me.

Onwards.

Won’t bother with today or tomorrow as that is pretty straight-forward. The issue for Thursday is when the cold air is injected into KC from the north. My thought is sometime around or after lunch with the 50° weather turning into 30° weather by the time evening rush is done with…and colder with the wind chills.  There could be a few sprinkles with this but not much is expected rain-wise.

OK now the elephant in the room. I think by now everybody knows about the snow potential over the next week. 3 storms through next Wednesday. As I mentioned yesterday I’m not in the mindset that ALL three give us crazy amounts of snow. Last night there was a rather significant change, in at least one model, for the weekend system and the one next TUE>WED.

So to try and simplify things…let’s refer to Friday’s system as storm #1…Saturday night’s system as storm #2 and then the TUE>WED AM system as storm #3. I still worry that we may be vulnerable to other “things” beyond that but IF I start talking about that possibility I’ll need security guards in the grocery store (kidding not kidding)

So my confidence level about the 3 storms is “somewhat” strongest for what’s ahead of us…storm #1. Storm #2 and #2 I have less confidence about…especially #3 at this point because…well it’s about a week away. Storm #2 is somewhat problematic as well…I think we’ll get something from that…but I’m not sure if we get the “big one” from that.

Then there is storm #1 (the one due in Friday).

I want to show you some of the data from the newest weather satellite that became “operational” just yesterday. It’s the GOES 17 satellite that is more focused on the western part of the country and the central and eastern Pacific Ocean.

  Pretty shots…but there are issues with the satellite. There are some problems with the equipment up there and in particular with a cooling fan. Remember this satellite is way up there…some 22,000 miles up…the Space Station is 254 miles up…so it’s not as if we can send maintenance up there. They’ve come up with some workarounds, which is still amazing to me for something that is orbiting the Earth and so far away…but for several hours each day during certain times of the year when the sun heats up the satellite too much…pictures won’t be usable. Regardless there is still a LOT of good data coming down the pipeline towards us.

So with that said…Storm #1 is still off the western US…off the coast of CA.

It’s that mass of clouds on the far right hand side…hopefully when daylight comes the US borders will become more evident.

That storm right now at least is in a few pieces (yellow flag in my mind) and when it comes ashore in CA tomorrow afternoon and crosses into the Rockies Friday morning…we’ll see what kind of shape it’s in.

That yellow flag is one of the problems I have with this set-up right now. The storm is going to be a fast mover it appears when it gets into the Plains and I’m still not sure how well put together it’s going to be when it flies through KS on Friday afternoon. Let’s go up to about 18,000 feet and show you the 3 storms. The one is KS is storm #1. The map shows areas of “vorticity”. These areas are where the atmosphere shows cyclonic tendencies and ahead of these features you  get “lift” (good for precipitation) and behind the features you get sinking air (good for clearing). These areas have varying intensity…big storms generate lots of lift…weaker ones…less lift.

Here is wayyyy more information than you want to know about the above map.

So the rough idea of a “transition zone” between rising air…lift…and sinking air…is the axis location of the “U” dips in the above map. With me so far? Notice as well the size of the “U” dip. For storm #1 it’s not overly “dippy” compared to storm #2…do you see that.

Less “dippy” storms tend to move fast. So the time that we’re in the “favorable” zone of lift is shorter than when the dips are deeper in size. Still with me?

Now that is up there at around 18,000 feet. We have to look at the entire atmosphere though as well. That smaller dip will be bringing some decent moisture with it and tapping into some sub-tropical moisture coming up from western TX…and that moisture will be one of the keys for us to get significant snow. IF that moisture isn’t as impressive or it gets pushed a bit farther east or south of here…we may NOT have a big snowstorm in KC on Friday. Nuisance snows yes…I think that’s unavoidable at this point (nuisance meaning 1-4″ or so) …it could be a sign that the wave is moving too fast or isn’t strong enough and this has to be at least looked at right now and NOT discounted at this point.

Then there is the matter of a building southwards area of high pressure…this is the cold air maker for us…BUT it’s also a dry air maker too. So the feed in the lower part of the atmosphere is of drier air…and that too can chew on what falls for awhile. Too much dry air and decent snowmakers can turn into blah snow makers. I may be making too much of a deal on this BUT it’s in the back of my mind as well.

Right now I think the odds of all this happening and ALL of this just turning into a “nuisance event” is around 55% and 55% should NOT be discounted at this point.

If you want something more significant (meaning in my weather head…4″ or more) you would like to see that moisture source be 1) real and 2) have that wave a bit more focused and “sharper”. That helps maximize the lift a bit more…that lift then works in concert with the moisture coming northbound…and as a result you get more impressive swaths of snow moving through the area.

There are some so-so favorable jet stream dynamics at play with this as well…for conciseness I won’t get into that right now. Not the greatest set-up and I’ve seen better over the years.

The new data slows the onset of sticking snow to the afternoon Friday. That makes sense and I can see how the dry air flow from the north is sort of working against the snow as it tries to come eastbound. However I also see how the snow out west is coming together better later in the morning and that snow would then come along the I-70 corridor in the afternoon…the issue remains how well it holds together as it comes eastbound along I-70.

You can see the conundrum. Dry air…sort of a disjointed broken up wave moving through the Plains…lift in the atmosphere that isn’t exactly super focused and a snow window that may be only around 6-8 hours or so…and some of that may be chewed on by the dry air.

This is the reason why we want to hold off on how much snow will fall from this. I know many are seeing all sorts of numbers on their various apps and with other sources…last night I mentioned that there was potential of over 4″ on Friday. That is still there certainly BUT I’m not sure how much over 4″ we will get at this point and that’s why I don’t want to do any snow maps yet with more precise information.

Trust me I know you want all the answers but for those who DON”T want a ton of snow…consider the early data today a better trend for your side. I don’t want to throw a 4-8″ amount out there at this point because my confidence isn’t there for something like that right now. The dry air scenario chewing at the snow because the wave coming in is sort of a mess needs to be factored into the equation. IF that dry air is “less” dry and IF the wave is better put together then yes over 4″ is VERY doable…again though lets try as we can to keep the horses in the barn for a bit longer.

There is still all sorts of potential with these 3 storms…and I won’t be surprised by some significant snow on the ground in a weeks time but let’s try and deal with them one at a time.

Takeaways from this…

Snow arrives after lunch Friday and sticks right away

The evening rush hour may be a mess

A LOT of schools are NOT in session anyway because of in-service conference days ahead of the 3 day weekend anyway

The dry air seeping southwards may “chew” on the snow as it comes eastbound

The wave needs to be better organized with more focus to tap into the moisture trying to come northwards and also to act as a better “tug” on that moisture

The weekend system bears some watching as well as does the one next week. Still WAYYYY to early to worry about forecast accumulations with that one.

OK that’s it for now. I’ll get an afternoon update out on FB by 3PM or so.

Our feature photo comes from ‎Sharon Griff Holloway‎ outside of Trenton, MO

Michelle and Karli will have more information as the day moves long on FOX 4.

Joe

    from FOX 4 Kansas City WDAF-TV | News, Weather, Sports https://fox4kc.com/2019/02/13/joes-weather-blog-were-going-to-need-a-bigger-shovel-maybe-wed-2-13/

from Kansas City Happenings https://kansascityhappenings.wordpress.com/2019/02/13/joes-weather-blog-were-going-to-need-a-bigger-shovel-maybe-wed-2-13/

[oovitus]

Weekend Reading, 2.18.18

The first time self-soothing was explained to me, it was by a friend who had her hands full taking care of a new baby. Self-soothing, she said, is when a baby develops the capacity to calm his or herself down. It’s seen as being key to uninterrupted nights of sleep for parents, since it allows babies to get back to rest if they should happen to wake up during the night.

A little while later, when I was exploring resources on coping with depression and anxiety, I learned that there’s such a thing as adult self-soothing, too. It may be an especially important skill to develop if you identify as a sensitive person or you feel the impact of emotions very strongly.

Self-soothing practices can take all sorts of shapes and forms; they may take one out of time and place, like going for a walk or practicing yoga in a special part of the home, or they might be as simple as listening to a particular song, sipping tea, breathing deeply, praying, singing, humming, reading poetry out loud, or smelling an essential oil. These, anyway, are my own favorite ways to self-soothe.

Two years ago at this time, my anxiety was so bad that I often didn’t want to leave the house. I did leave, going about my business and trying to perform as much competence as I could muster, but I felt as if I was falling apart. I was so on edge, so irritable, and so unable to hang onto a sense of safety or security. It really scared me, much more than my depression ever had.

Many months of therapy later, and I’m in a different place. But this week in particular gave me new skills to be grateful for. A few situations came up that triggered my anxiety, and I reacted, but I was able to stay connected to a fundamental sense that things would be OK. I’m not exactly sure what to attribute this to: my meditation practice? Learning to pay attention to my breath? Slowing down? Learning to say “no”? Reconnecting?

The answer is that all of these things, coupled with time and patience, have helped. I’m also starting to understand that quelling anxiety creates muscle memory; if you do it often enough, you start to believe, consciously and unconsciously, that it’s possible, and then it starts to happen more readily.

I know that I may manage my anxiety for a long time and possibly live with it always, just as I know I’ll always have brushes with depression and may always periodically encounter certain ED-related urges. In writing these words today, though, I realize how surprisingly calm I feel about my anxiety, which is sweetly ironic.

For the first time in a long time, I’m not alarmed by the fact that I have anxiety, not scared of it. I’ve been given signs that I have some of the tools I need to manage it. Maybe I’ll need to expand or change up my toolkit at some point, but that’s OK: toolkits can grow along with us. For now, merely knowing that I can get centered even in the midst of anxious feelings or thoughts is a major shift, one that gives me hope and a sense of spaciousness.

As always, wishing everyone peace and grounding as we head out into a fresh week. Enjoy these tasty recipes and reading links.

Recipes

There’s a mushroom miso barley soup recipe in Power Plates that I’ve become pretty attached to, but I can never get enough soup recipes, and I’m loving Natasha’s version, which is infused with Italian herbs and seasonings.

Wish someone had made these sweet buckwheat crepes for me on Valentine’s Day! Or that I’d gone ahead and made them for myself

This is my kind of potato salad: roasted potatoes, dill, vegan bacon, creamy garlic mayo. Perfect vegan comfort food.

Writing about Hannah’s book on Friday has me thinking about the art of creating really good food in very little time. It’s something I’m still figuring out. Lisa is one of the people I turn to for inspiration in this area, and her easy green curry noodles are a perfect example of a super speedy, flavorful, filling meal.

I tend to have lousy luck when I’m baking exclusively with grain free flours (I do OK when they’re part of a blend that has some wheat flour or gluten free grain flours in it). I’m always impressed with the way that Lindsay works wonders with grain-free baking that’s also vegan-friendly, and I’m dying to try her easy vegan white cake.

Reads

1. In spite of spending a fair amount of time around doctors—and anticipating a year of clinical work on the horizon—I had never really given much thought to what it must be like for doctors to return to full time work after being treated for an illness, especially the illness that they themselves specialize in.

That’s exactly the process that breast cancer surgeon Liz O’Riordon finds herself in now. I was touched by The Atlantic‘s profile of her, in which she admits to having new emotional challenges on the job, including sensitivities to hear certain diagnoses spoken of in dire terms and heightened awareness when delivering news to patients. The article says,

She [Liz] also takes more care with her language, and cringes at the memory of comments that were meant to be encouraging but now seem glib and unsympathetic. “I used to say: You’re lucky it hasn’t spread. No one is lucky to have cancer,” she says. “I used to ask people: Are you happy to sign this consent form? No one is happy to have cancer. As a doctor, you may give bad news 10 times a day. Until you’ve been on the other side, you don’t realize that when you get bad news, you remember every single detail of that conversation.”

There’s a lot of pressure for doctors and medical personnel to remain transparent, cool, and objective at all times, but my own limited experience in a helping profession is that personal struggle often gives way to empathy that can enhance one’s capacities as a practitioner. I hope that O’Riordan can indeed follow through on her hope to speak out more openly about her illness and encourage other doctors to do so with her.

2. Also on the topic of medicine and healthcare, a physician examines the concept of agape as it relates to healthcare. Agape is the ancient Greek term for selfless love of humanity; it’s seen as transcending difference or circumstance, which distinguishes it from filial or erotic love. Pooja Gidwani, a hospitalist, writes,

To me, agape means having the fortitude not only to empathize with patients or to provide compassionate care but to also habitually understand that each patient’s reactions may stem from their physical or mental suffering, past or current. To develop the ability to connect on a more spiritual level with the sufferer’s emotions despite their behaviors to truly be a healer. To put oneself in the shoes of each individual, remembering that everyone we meet is a product of what life has created for them.

I can’t think of a more beautiful summation of how agape can animate medical practice.

3. In the wake of the tragedy in Florida this past week, Vox sat down with Gerry Griffith, a crisis counselor with over 30 years of experience, to ask questions about what’s needed in the aftermath of shocking losses. She offers a lot of practical, detailed perspective on how crisis counselors respond to different stages of trauma among the people they’re helping, and she also has important things to say about the importance of addressing peoples’ sense of powerlessness after these kinds of events.

When asked how she continues to do this challenging work, she says,

I had a mentor, early, early on that said doing this work is learning how to keep your heart open in hell. I know what hell looks, tastes, like, and smells like.

I think, for me, there are people in my life that I can talk to about this. I have a husband, he’s proud of me and he supports me. When I’m out there in Oklahoma City or out in New York, I can call him and I can talk about how the dog, what she’s doing today. Because he’s not there.

Somebody asked me the other day: ”How would you know when you’re done?” I said, “When I stop crying.” When I stop feeling, when I don’t cry, my heart has closed and I have to quit.

I thought it was impressive that Griffith’s barometer of being fit for the task of counseling is having a strong capacity to feel. Something I want to keep in mind, in my own small way, for my future work with clients.

4. I really like Carrie Dennett’s reporting, and I was glad to see her in-depth consideration of orthorexia in the latest issue of Today’s Dietitian.

Orthorexia is a complex compulsion, often more difficult to address than other types of disordered eating because it is so often rooted in basically valuable efforts and intentions to eat healthfully and well. While anorexia put me in my most dire state of biological illness, I think overcoming orthorexia was in many ways a trickier challenge, because it was so hard to separate obsession and compulsion from the sincere value I place on mindful, conscious, health-supportive eating.

Dennett delves into all of the difficulties and complexities of addressing this syndrome, including the fact that, as of yet, there’s no consensus on a definition and no validated assessment tool. “Eating doesn’t become pathological until it becomes entangled with obsessive thinking, compulsive and ritualistic behavior, and self-punishment,” she notes, which echoed my own intuitive sense of what orthorexia is when I encounter it in my own work.

She also interviews Emily Fossenbeck, who is doing really important work in speaking up about her own experience with orthorexia and raising awareness on social media. Emily’s struggle with orthorexia began with elimination diets (a phenomenon I’ve observed often). She’s quoted saying,

“I only felt worse and worse but kept chasing this magical unicorn of the ‘perfect diet.’ The anxiety I felt about food was suffocating and totally overwhelmed most other parts of my life. I was afraid to eat out or travel or—the worst of it—to eat a normal meal with my family. I had to have complete control of everything I was eating.”

I’ve often seen the question posed of what distinguishes orthorexia from healthful eating, and I’ve written about it myself. I think the answer might be that anxiety and feeling of suffocation that Fossenbeck mentions. A particular kind of health-conscious eating style might be either self-caring or destructive; the difference rests in the mentality and subjective emotional experience of the individual in question.

I suspect that the dietetic and mental health treatment communities are just at the start of understanding this complicated expression of disordered eating. For now, the best we can hope for is more awareness, more observation and research, and an ongoing effort to enlist more people who have struggled with orthorexia to honestly share their stories. I’ve been giving lots of thought to recovery with NEDA week on the horizon, and this is nice motivation for me to use my voice.

5. I mentioned last week that the heart chakra and heart-opening are on my mind this month. With loving-kindness in mind, a sweet list to wrap up with.

Happy Sunday morning, everyone. I look forward to checking in with a hearty, colorful new winter salad recipe in a couple days.

xo

 The post Weekend Reading, 2.18.18 appeared first on The Full Helping.

Weekend Reading, 2.18.18 published first on

[datingadviceonreddit]

ill apologize in advance, this is gonna be long, im pretty high and is also one of my first reddit posts. buuut ok ready here we go;( 20 F) i met this ( 23 M) guy at a party at the end of october/ beginning of november. we hit it off, asked for my number in a really cute way, texted me right when he got home, texted pretty consistently the rest of the weekend and hungout that following monday after said that he would love to take me to coffee sometimehe told me that he worked second shift typically, so it's hard for him to do things in the week since he doesn't get out of work until super late, but then suggested a " 3 am date " ( when he gets out of work) if i was still awake. I agreed, he knew that i went to a certain bar every monday ( what i originally suggested when he said he wanted to take me out) to watch this band play.he responded with that he was kidding, that i was " too pretty to be up that late", but if i was still awake around that time, he would call me an uber if i wanted. anyways, i end up going to his house that monday at 3 in the morning, decently drunk, we have a lot of fun, we fuck, i go home the next day.he texts me like an hour after i've gone home, we text semi consistently for about a week and a half, while hanging out twice during that period. Only one of those times did we actually go out in public, we went to a nearby bar, then the next day i went to work and he wanted me to come back after, just a chill night of movies with his roommates and cuddles. we had sex each time though.then he becomes kinda distant. texts are less consistent, then no texts at all for at least 4 days. this really freaked me out because i was starting to like him. i couldn't figure out why he wasn't texting me, and i ended up asking him if i could come get my shirt and my sweatshirt that i had left at his house. so i go over there, get my shit, he basically redeems himself by apologizing and saying that his job makes it really hard for him to be on his phone. so i brush it off and sleep there that night. we have sex again.after this, it was basically only me hitting him up with an exception of a few times, to talk or hangout, although he was always down for us to hangout and encouraged me to come over. i'd wait for him to get out of work, which was either at 1 am or 3 am. i had class during the days and he had to go into work at 3 everyday. our schedules were opposites, but i could just be justifying what im trying to deny in my own head.then i start to lose my shit because he was still decreasing more and more in consistency, this lasted another week or so with being inconsistent in texting me, and blowing me off after i invited him to a party with me and my roommates. then i text him and ask if he was gonna just full on ghost mehe proceeds to say that it's a two way street, that he really is into me just busy, blah blah blah, whatever, redeems himself in my eyes again. another couple weeks go by, still nothing changed in his behavior although we were still fucking. i could tell he was beginning to get annoyed by my confusion and drunk calls/ texts and want for more attention from himwe get into a fight because i freaked out on him after i convinced myself and from my friends opinions that he was using me after again, going multiple days without hearing from him ( we had been hanging out/ having sex for a month and a half at this point) when he would be active on social media a lot. Still very little effort on his part, and i knew he was bullshitting about not having time to be on his phone, since he clearly was.this sort of shit goes on from basically thanksgiving until the end of decemeber where i basically just gave up. i was trying way too hard, and we got into fights all of the time. he told me i was too serious about everything, but all i wanted was for him to act like he was actually into me.he fed me the lines of him " being heartbroken" and " in a really bad place in his life" or that " hes afraid of getting hurt " also, that he stopped texting me because it " freaked him out that he was starting to like me" i believed these when he told me and always came running back. he ended things when i continued to annoy him by wanting him to give more.i was heartbroken over this and was even more heartbroken throughout this entire thing, i just couldn't figure out what the fuck was going on.i still texted him every once in awhile, but i immediately jumped into a different friends with benefits situation which transformed into something more than that. i slowly forget about V and develop some pretty strong feelings for this other guy. i continue that until the end of februarythis was even harder to go through, i was much closer to this guy than V. so i'm basically a wreck ( much better now)! a month goes by and i end up texting V,out of boredom and loneliness, asking him if he needed any weed ( he'd hit me up while i was seeing the other guy a couple of times asking if i had any, i always said no.)he said he does, i go to house after i get out of work at 2 am and he has a decent amount of people over. he's drunk, and he asks me to stay. so i do, he flirts with me all night while i mingle with his roommates, not clinging to his side at all. he asks if i want to stay the night, i do, we fuck.all night, he was saying shit like; - i miss you - im sorry i was such an asshole - i really did like you but you freaked me out cause i felt like you were breathing down my neck - you seem a lot different now etc etc etci eat all of this up, of course. i feel fine the next day, i have 0 expectations and i don't hear from him until he hits me up a couple days later asking for more weed.we've hungout a couple of times in the last couple of weeks, but recently he got annoyed with me again because i thought it was weird when he invited me over one night after i drunkenly hit him up and had me sleep upstairs in a different room( without him) because one of his really good girl friends was at his house and was sleeping in his bed.haven't heard from him since, just looking for opinons on if im the crazy one and i'm the one fucking up ( which he leads me to believe all the time) or if he's genuinely just an asshole. sorry again this is super long. via /r/dating_advice

[johnnyfizz89]

Project Gooey Bear

Project Gooey Bear

By: Johnny

August 11, 2012 11:46PM First Edition Typed

Started writing again-1/21/2017 1:35pm

Hey this is Johnny Fizz.  I contacted you about the Gooey Bear Project 6 months ago and haven’t heard back from you guys.  Yes sir we did a background check and couldn’t find any information on any Johnny Fizz.  The CDC can’t be contacted by people that haven’t had a full background check and since Johnny Fizz doesn’t exist.  Ok so hold on, if I give you my true name you’ll contact me?  That is correct sir.  I won’t do it I’ll just come to you.  Ok sir, have a nice day.  Ok screw you and thanks for wasting my time.

         Yes can I speak with Sargent 32789045?  Can you please hold sir, yah I’ll hold? Hello who’s calling?  J, how’s it going man, long time no speak.  Johnny, what is it this time my friend?  Straight to the point, that’s why we’re still friends. So what’s up, what laws have you broken and need me to fix?  Oh it’s nothing like that.  Look your branch of the Military works with the CDC right?  Frequently, but I can’t tell even you what we’re working on my friend. No I was just wondering if you could perhaps set up a meeting for me with the head of the CDC.  What are you going to do interview them?  Can you do it for me or not, PLEASE?  Wow, please even, you must really want this.  I’ve never heard please come out of your mouth before.  Ok Johnny I’ll set it up for you but you’re going to owe me big.  How about tickets to the US Open, you like tennis right?  I do love tennis, you got yourself a deal. Thanks J I’ll talk with you later man.

         Knock Knock, doors open.  Johnny, where are you at?  I’m in the Kitchen.  Colt, what the hell are you doing here?  Um, have you had a bad day or something?  No I’m just a little surprised to see you here.  I always come here on Free Movie Fridays to pick you up.  Shit that’s tonight isn’t it?  Are you sure you’re alright?   Yah I’m fine just a little nervous about meeting with the head of the CDC.  You actually got ahold of the HOT and they actually want to see you?  You call the CDC the HOT?  Yeah it stands for head of the CDC.  Whatever I did have a little help from my Military friend, but yes I’m meeting with them sometime.  Well you can worry about that later because we got a free movie to get to my friend. You’re right let’s get out of here. Hold on I better lock the place up before we go.  Ok but hurry man we’re already late.

         Hey guy where you two headed?  Its Free Movie Fridays at the mall.  I thought you worked on Fridays Andrea.  I just got a call from my boss, I get a 3 day weekend starting today.  Listen guys do you mind if I tag along, I don’t have any plans for tonight.  You’ll have to ask Colt he’s driving.  What do you say Colt?  Hop in the back seat.  Cool, so do you guys know what we’re going to see?  Nope, we decide when we get there.  It makes it more fun.

         Really guys a zombie movie?  Oh come on what’s better than watching stupid people get eaten by zombies.  Well I'm not a fan of zombie movies that’s all.  Well than you sure picked the wrong guys to tag along with because we happen to love zombie movies.  Your right, so how long is it?  Let’s see, it says 130 minutes so just over 2 hours.  Oh I am so picking where we eat after this.  Fair enough just try not to scream throughout the whole move, we’d like to enjoy it.  You are an ass.  Hey I'm just trying to warn you.  Zombie movie fans can be dangerous when chickens come to watch their movies.  It ruins it for everybody else when they scream the whole time.  Just pick a seat and shut up, I promise I won’t scream.

         You know what guy’s I have to admit that was a pretty good movie.  Yah Milla never disappoints in a movie.  So where are we going for food, I'm starving.  I'm hungry too, we could go for Mexican.  How about the Food Court at the mall, that way we each can get exactly what we want.  Great idea, we’ll head there.  RING RING, RING RING, Johnny answer your phone.  No I don’t answer that thing at all when I'm driving.  You can go ahead and answer it for me.  Hello who’s calling?  This is Dr. Tom Frieden I'm the Director for the CDC.  Is there a Johnny Fizz there?  Oh he can’t talk right now he’s driving can I take a message.  Yes tell him that I want to speak with him as soon as he’s not busy.  We need to discuss his project and since you’re not him I can’t tell you anymore about it so I’ll say goodbye.  He has my number so please have him call me.

         Well by to you to.  Who was it Andrea?  Some jerk dude from the CDC asking for you about some project.  I was waiting for that call did he say anything else?  No he said since I wasn’t you that he couldn’t discuss anything more and hung up on me.  He said you have his number and to call him as soon as you can to talk about your project, that’s all he said.  I’ll have to call him back at the food court.  What in the hell kind of project could you and the CDC have going on? None of your business, I can’t go telling everybody in the world friends or not.  

         You guys go get your food and I’ll call the Jerk guy.  You want me to get you anything?  A Subway foot long, jalapenos, pickles, green and black olives, mustard, pepperoni, cheddar cheeses lettuce and no mayo, thanks Colt.  Yeah there’s no way I’ll remember all of that.

         Ring…Ring… hello.  Yes is this Dr. Tom Frieden at the CDC?  Yes who am I speaking to?  This is Johnny Fizz you called me about 20 minutes ago while I was driving.  Oh yes I'm glad you called back I need to talk with you.  Are you free now?  I'm free what do you need to talk to me about?  Can we meet now or would that be difficult?  No not all I'm at the Southern Hills Mall Food Court.  Good I'm driving through Iowa and I can be there in 10 minutes. I think you’re going to like what we have to talk about.  I’ll be right here waiting.

         So did you call the jerk at the CDC?  He’s not a jerk and yes I called him.  He’s on his way here right now to talk to me in person. You mean we have to wait here until he gets here.  Guys come on this is important to me, he said he’d be here in about 10 minutes.  Ok I can eat slowly, here’s your foot long dude. Wow, you did remember everything. How can you eat that combination? It’s like a pizza and nachos and pickle goodness.  MMM this is so good I love jalapenos and pepperoni on my sandwiches.  If only they could add French fries and chips on it. Yah I don’t think Subway would be down for that, its Subway eat fresh not Subway eat saturated fat. Oh hahaha I suppose I’ll have to open my own Subway and make it my way.  So it’ll be the Burger King of Subways?  Of course it will be.

         I think your CDC friend is here.  Where, I think behind you in a Lab Coat.  What, why is he wearing that in public?  You must be Johnny Fizz, a pleasure to finally meet you.  Who are your friends?  I'm Colt and this is Andrea.  Hi, you spoke on the phone with me not to long ago.  I remember, hope your all having a good night.  Can we get to the point you said you needed to talk to me about something.  Yes well I can’t discuss anything around them.  Well then excuse us, they’re both my friends and I’ll just tell them anyways about what we talk about so sit or leave.  Alright it’s your project after all.  I am pleased to tell you that you were absolutely correct about the gooey bear. It has officially survived the atmosphere of outer space and we will be sending a sample specifically with the gooey bear as the host and seeing if we can finally develop a strong enough cure for illnesses here on earth.  That’s great when do we start, when does it launch for space?  As soon as you give the ok, we are paying for it and I am in charge of the CDC but it’s still your project.  Well you have my full approval Dr.  Send it as soon as you want.  I’d like to be there to watch it being launched if you don’t mind.  That can be arranged, your friends can accompany you if they like.  Sweet, I'm down.  You know you’re not a jerk after all Dr. Tom Frieden.  Thanks Andrea, wait how did you know my full name?  I googled it on my phone before you came here.  Well I must leave you now I have an important meeting at headquarters to discuss a recent outbreak at Yosemite National park.  

         Well this has been a great night guys I thank you both for allowing me to come with you.  Good night Andrea, see you guys later.  Hey Johnny do you think she’d go out with me?  Dude your married already.  I mean if I wasn’t married do you think she’d date me?  I don’t see why not, try asking her that sometime.  Listen Colt I have a new project I'm working on and I was wondering if you could help me with it.  How can I help?  I need to run a test on myself but I need somebody to record the data while I'm doing the testing on myself.  I’m confused but I’ll help you man.  Good can you be here tomorrow at the crack of dawn.  You got it man noon tomorrow I’ll be here.  Ok noon tomorrow but just be sure you get here by then or we won’t have enough time to do the experiment.

         Ok so where do we begin.  First I need you to promise not to tell anyone about anything that we do.  I promise not to tell anybody what we are about to do.  Good now I'm going to take this Zinc Sulfide and I need you to write down every reaction I have to it ok.  What the heck is Zinc Sulfide and why are you injecting yourself with it? Its white pigment and it already exists in the human body anyways, I'm just injecting a little more is all.  Oh ok that sounds safe.  I hate needles and that stung a little, write that down. How should I title this stuff? Just Day 1- He has injected himself with Zinc Sulfide and it stung a little.

 Ok it’s been 6 hours how long is this going to take man?  I should be feeling something or seeing something by now. Wait I feel light headed and my throat feels sore.  Go lay down and I’ll write the symptoms down for you.  It’s been 6 hours since he injected himself with the Zinc Sulfide and finally he appears to be showing symptoms.  He has a sore throat, he’s light headed and he says his eyes are itchy and he has a runny nose.  Colt I have to tell you what else I injected myself with.  You remember the guy from the food court?  The CDC Doctor dude, sure what about him?  He handed me a sample of my project under the table before he left.  It’s called tardigrades, it’s a water bear practically microscopic.  So that’s why you called it project gooey bear, well are you going to die or something?  I don’t know, I'm the first human test subject.  I'm growing weaker by the minute but if I survive I’ll know the gooey bear is compatible with a human host.  If I die then the gooey bear could turn me into something bad.  Should you have done this in your home Johnny? Johnny you need to answer me you’re freaking me out. Whoa Johnny, you alright man?  He passes out and Colt runs over to Andreas.  He bangs on her door and she answers.  Colt, what the hell are you doing here and why are you banging on my door?  You need to come with me I think there’s something wrong with Johnny.

A few hours pass and Johnny starts to open his eyes. Andrea what are you doing here? Colt you were supposed to keep this a secret, I trusted you man.  Hey don’t blame me man you were about to die and shit and I freaked out I had to tell somebody.  So how do you feel now?  I have to go throw up.  Colt I don’t think you should have called me, he seems pretty pissed off.  Hey write this down, after symptoms started 6 hours in, subject passed out for, what time is it? Just after 9 p.m.  Subject passed out for 3 hours and upon waking up had to vomit.  Anything else?  No actually I feel really great.  Turn the lights on would you.  Yikes, look at your arm.  Give me the pen.  There is an increased white pigmentation at the injection site and no signs of itchiness or burning or any discomfort.

So what’s next Johnny?  Well now that I know it doesn’t kill humans I can do more tests to control the pigmentation.  Well as long as you’re done doing these tests on yourself I don’t see any reason why you can’t.  Listen guys I'm really glad I have you two as friends.  I need to ask you both a favor.  That all depends on what it involves I'm not going to be your guinea pig. No, I want you two to help me with another experiment called project bacon.  You want us to cook bacon?  No that’s the name of the experiment I want the three of us to work on together. Does it involve pork at all?  No Andrea it doesn’t involve pork, bacon is just an anagram.  For what exactly breakfast?  Ba is Barium, C is Carbon, O is Oxygen and N is Nitrogen on the periodic table of elements. When placed together they spell bacon but it’s nothing more than a happy mistake.

So what’s this bacon experiment all about and why do you need 3 people to do it?  This experiment is part of the Gooey Bear project I'm doing with the CDC only they don’t know about it.  What so you’re doing this behind the CDC’s back.  That’s right, which is why I need my 2 best friends to help me with it. Listen man I trust you so, I'm in. Thanks Colt, what about you Andrea? I suppose as long as no animals get hurt or me then, I’m in also.  Thanks guy. Ok I have almost everything we’re going to need for this experiment but 2 things are still needed.  I'm going to need an Oxygen tank and more Barium. Don’t mean to sound uneducated but what the heck is barium anyways?  It’s used for medical diagnostic testing.  English Johnny, it’s a type of dye used for medical things.  Things, now there’s dumbing it down for you.  Just worry about the Oxygen tank and Ill head to the Hospital for the Barium and we can meet back at my place this afternoon. Alright man sound good just don’t get arrested.  Please I get Barium from the Hospital all the time.  My mom used to work there and I became friends with all the doctors and nurses so I can get things most people cant.  

Hey Johnny how’s your day going?  It’s going great but I need some more Barium for an experiment I'm doing, do you think you could help me out?  I’ll need to call a doctor to help you I'm kind of busy at the moment my friend.  Please take your time I don’t want to rush you.

Daylight is gone.  There is only darkness now.  Soon it will consume all light on Earth.  Johnny wake up, hey wake up my friend.  Sorry guess I dozed off for a few minutes.  That’s quite alright just be careful where you fall asleep in here man, it is a Hospital.  Don’t want one of my nurses carrying you off to some operating room by mistake.  You must be the doctor my friend sent for. Yes she said you needed to get some barium.  Yes I need some for an experiment I’m doing and I was wondering if you could help me out. I'm not sure if I can give it to you without asking what the experiment is first, standard procedure of course. Oh yes of course I would ask for it without telling you what I'm using it for.  You see I'm working on a project for the CDC and I need Barium to test a microorganism sample they sent me.  Interesting, well as long as you know what you’re doing.  I'm going to need you to sign a release form so that if anything does go wrong or I find out you’re misusing it, proper action can be taken.  Thanks so much for this doctor, this is a big help. Don’t mention it just use it carefully my friend.  So did you get the barium?  I got it, drive to my house.

Colt what the hell took you so long to get here? It’s not my fault man there was some kind of solar thing.  It wiped out all electronics and vehicles and everything else for a while.  You didn’t notice anything at all?  No, guess I must have dozed off again and missed it.  What do you mean again you’ve dozed off already today?  Yah at the hospital but that’s only because hospitals are cold and cold make me sleepy. You know that about me.  No Johnny this is serious you need to log this dozing off stuff.  It could be a delayed side effect to your injection of Zinc Sulfide stuff.  Maybe your right but that was days ago.  Still I want you to record every time you doze off. Write down what time you think you dozed off and the time you wake up from it so we know if it’s getting better or worse.

[oovitus]

Weekend Reading, 2.18.18

The first time self-soothing was explained to me, it was by a friend who had her hands full taking care of a new baby. Self-soothing, she said, is when a baby develops the capacity to calm his or herself down. It’s seen as being key to uninterrupted nights of sleep for parents, since it allows babies to get back to rest if they should happen to wake up during the night.

A little while later, when I was exploring resources on coping with depression and anxiety, I learned that there’s such a thing as adult self-soothing, too. It may be an especially important skill to develop if you identify as a sensitive person or you feel the impact of emotions very strongly.

Self-soothing practices can take all sorts of shapes and forms; they may take one out of time and place, like going for a walk or practicing yoga in a special part of the home, or they might be as simple as listening to a particular song, sipping tea, breathing deeply, praying, singing, humming, reading poetry out loud, or smelling an essential oil. These, anyway, are my own favorite ways to self-soothe.

Two years ago at this time, my anxiety was so bad that I often didn’t want to leave the house. I did leave, going about my business and trying to perform as much competence as I could muster, but I felt as if I was falling apart. I was so on edge, so irritable, and so unable to hang onto a sense of safety or security. It really scared me, much more than my depression ever had.

Many months of therapy later, and I’m in a different place. But this week in particular gave me new skills to be grateful for. A few situations came up that triggered my anxiety, and I reacted, but I was able to stay connected to a fundamental sense that things would be OK. I’m not exactly sure what to attribute this to: my meditation practice? Learning to pay attention to my breath? Slowing down? Learning to say “no”? Reconnecting?

The answer is that all of these things, coupled with time and patience, have helped. I’m also starting to understand that quelling anxiety creates muscle memory; if you do it often enough, you start to believe, consciously and unconsciously, that it’s possible, and then it starts to happen more readily.

I know that I may manage my anxiety for a long time and possibly live with it always, just as I know I’ll always have brushes with depression and may always periodically encounter certain ED-related urges. In writing these words today, though, I realize how surprisingly calm I feel about my anxiety, which is sweetly ironic.

For the first time in a long time, I’m not alarmed by the fact that I have anxiety, not scared of it. I’ve been given signs that I have some of the tools I need to manage it. Maybe I’ll need to expand or change up my toolkit at some point, but that’s OK: toolkits can grow along with us. For now, merely knowing that I can get centered even in the midst of anxious feelings or thoughts is a major shift, one that gives me hope and a sense of spaciousness.

As always, wishing everyone peace and grounding as we head out into a fresh week. Enjoy these tasty recipes and reading links.

Recipes

There’s a mushroom miso barley soup recipe in Power Plates that I’ve become pretty attached to, but I can never get enough soup recipes, and I’m loving Natasha’s version, which is infused with Italian herbs and seasonings.

Wish someone had made these sweet buckwheat crepes for me on Valentine’s Day! Or that I’d gone ahead and made them for myself

This is my kind of potato salad: roasted potatoes, dill, vegan bacon, creamy garlic mayo. Perfect vegan comfort food.

Writing about Hannah’s book on Friday has me thinking about the art of creating really good food in very little time. It’s something I’m still figuring out. Lisa is one of the people I turn to for inspiration in this area, and her easy green curry noodles are a perfect example of a super speedy, flavorful, filling meal.

I tend to have lousy luck when I’m baking exclusively with grain free flours (I do OK when they’re part of a blend that has some wheat flour or gluten free grain flours in it). I’m always impressed with the way that Lindsay works wonders with grain-free baking that’s also vegan-friendly, and I’m dying to try her easy vegan white cake.

Reads

1. In spite of spending a fair amount of time around doctors—and anticipating a year of clinical work on the horizon—I had never really given much thought to what it must be like for doctors to return to full time work after being treated for an illness, especially the illness that they themselves specialize in.

That’s exactly the process that breast cancer surgeon Liz O’Riordon finds herself in now. I was touched by The Atlantic‘s profile of her, in which she admits to having new emotional challenges on the job, including sensitivities to hear certain diagnoses spoken of in dire terms and heightened awareness when delivering news to patients. The article says,

She [Liz] also takes more care with her language, and cringes at the memory of comments that were meant to be encouraging but now seem glib and unsympathetic. “I used to say: You’re lucky it hasn’t spread. No one is lucky to have cancer,” she says. “I used to ask people: Are you happy to sign this consent form? No one is happy to have cancer. As a doctor, you may give bad news 10 times a day. Until you’ve been on the other side, you don’t realize that when you get bad news, you remember every single detail of that conversation.”

There’s a lot of pressure for doctors and medical personnel to remain transparent, cool, and objective at all times, but my own limited experience in a helping profession is that personal struggle often gives way to empathy that can enhance one’s capacities as a practitioner. I hope that O’Riordan can indeed follow through on her hope to speak out more openly about her illness and encourage other doctors to do so with her.

2. Also on the topic of medicine and healthcare, a physician examines the concept of agape as it relates to healthcare. Agape is the ancient Greek term for selfless love of humanity; it’s seen as transcending difference or circumstance, which distinguishes it from filial or erotic love. Pooja Gidwani, a hospitalist, writes,

To me, agape means having the fortitude not only to empathize with patients or to provide compassionate care but to also habitually understand that each patient’s reactions may stem from their physical or mental suffering, past or current. To develop the ability to connect on a more spiritual level with the sufferer’s emotions despite their behaviors to truly be a healer. To put oneself in the shoes of each individual, remembering that everyone we meet is a product of what life has created for them.

I can’t think of a more beautiful summation of how agape can animate medical practice.

3. In the wake of the tragedy in Florida this past week, Vox sat down with Gerry Griffith, a crisis counselor with over 30 years of experience, to ask questions about what’s needed in the aftermath of shocking losses. She offers a lot of practical, detailed perspective on how crisis counselors respond to different stages of trauma among the people they’re helping, and she also has important things to say about the importance of addressing peoples’ sense of powerlessness after these kinds of events.

When asked how she continues to do this challenging work, she says,

I had a mentor, early, early on that said doing this work is learning how to keep your heart open in hell. I know what hell looks, tastes, like, and smells like.

I think, for me, there are people in my life that I can talk to about this. I have a husband, he’s proud of me and he supports me. When I’m out there in Oklahoma City or out in New York, I can call him and I can talk about how the dog, what she’s doing today. Because he’s not there.

Somebody asked me the other day: ”How would you know when you’re done?” I said, “When I stop crying.” When I stop feeling, when I don’t cry, my heart has closed and I have to quit.

I thought it was impressive that Griffith’s barometer of being fit for the task of counseling is having a strong capacity to feel. Something I want to keep in mind, in my own small way, for my future work with clients.

4. I really like Carrie Dennett’s reporting, and I was glad to see her in-depth consideration of orthorexia in the latest issue of Today’s Dietitian.

Orthorexia is a complex compulsion, often more difficult to address than other types of disordered eating because it is so often rooted in basically valuable efforts and intentions to eat healthfully and well. While anorexia put me in my most dire state of biological illness, I think overcoming orthorexia was in many ways a trickier challenge, because it was so hard to separate obsession and compulsion from the sincere value I place on mindful, conscious, health-supportive eating.

Dennett delves into all of the difficulties and complexities of addressing this syndrome, including the fact that, as of yet, there’s no consensus on a definition and no validated assessment tool. “Eating doesn’t become pathological until it becomes entangled with obsessive thinking, compulsive and ritualistic behavior, and self-punishment,” she notes, which echoed my own intuitive sense of what orthorexia is when I encounter it in my own work.

She also interviews Emily Fossenbeck, who is doing really important work in speaking up about her own experience with orthorexia and raising awareness on social media. Emily’s struggle with orthorexia began with elimination diets (a phenomenon I’ve observed often). She’s quoted saying,

“I only felt worse and worse but kept chasing this magical unicorn of the ‘perfect diet.’ The anxiety I felt about food was suffocating and totally overwhelmed most other parts of my life. I was afraid to eat out or travel or—the worst of it—to eat a normal meal with my family. I had to have complete control of everything I was eating.”

I’ve often seen the question posed of what distinguishes orthorexia from healthful eating, and I’ve written about it myself. I think the answer might be that anxiety and feeling of suffocation that Fossenbeck mentions. A particular kind of health-conscious eating style might be either self-caring or destructive; the difference rests in the mentality and subjective emotional experience of the individual in question.

I suspect that the dietetic and mental health treatment communities are just at the start of understanding this complicated expression of disordered eating. For now, the best we can hope for is more awareness, more observation and research, and an ongoing effort to enlist more people who have struggled with orthorexia to honestly share their stories. I’ve been giving lots of thought to recovery with NEDA week on the horizon, and this is nice motivation for me to use my voice.

5. I mentioned last week that the heart chakra and heart-opening are on my mind this month. With loving-kindness in mind, a sweet list to wrap up with.

Happy Sunday morning, everyone. I look forward to checking in with a hearty, colorful new winter salad recipe in a couple days.

xo

 The post Weekend Reading, 2.18.18 appeared first on The Full Helping.

Weekend Reading, 2.18.18 published first on https://storeseapharmacy.tumblr.com

[oovitus]

Weekend Reading, 2.18.18

The first time self-soothing was explained to me, it was by a friend who had her hands full taking care of a new baby. Self-soothing, she said, is when a baby develops the capacity to calm his or herself down. It’s seen as being key to uninterrupted nights of sleep for parents, since it allows babies to get back to rest if they should happen to wake up during the night.

A little while later, when I was exploring resources on coping with depression and anxiety, I learned that there’s such a thing as adult self-soothing, too. It may be an especially important skill to develop if you identify as a sensitive person or you feel the impact of emotions very strongly.

Self-soothing practices can take all sorts of shapes and forms; they may take one out of time and place, like going for a walk or practicing yoga in a special part of the home, or they might be as simple as listening to a particular song, sipping tea, breathing deeply, praying, singing, humming, reading poetry out loud, or smelling an essential oil. These, anyway, are my own favorite ways to self-soothe.

Two years ago at this time, my anxiety was so bad that I often didn’t want to leave the house. I did leave, going about my business and trying to perform as much competence as I could muster, but I felt as if I was falling apart. I was so on edge, so irritable, and so unable to hang onto a sense of safety or security. It really scared me, much more than my depression ever had.

Many months of therapy later, and I’m in a different place. But this week in particular gave me new skills to be grateful for. A few situations came up that triggered my anxiety, and I reacted, but I was able to stay connected to a fundamental sense that things would be OK. I’m not exactly sure what to attribute this to: my meditation practice? Learning to pay attention to my breath? Slowing down? Learning to say “no”? Reconnecting?

The answer is that all of these things, coupled with time and patience, have helped. I’m also starting to understand that quelling anxiety creates muscle memory; if you do it often enough, you start to believe, consciously and unconsciously, that it’s possible, and then it starts to happen more readily.

I know that I may manage my anxiety for a long time and possibly live with it always, just as I know I’ll always have brushes with depression and may always periodically encounter certain ED-related urges. In writing these words today, though, I realize how surprisingly calm I feel about my anxiety, which is sweetly ironic.

For the first time in a long time, I’m not alarmed by the fact that I have anxiety, not scared of it. I’ve been given signs that I have some of the tools I need to manage it. Maybe I’ll need to expand or change up my toolkit at some point, but that’s OK: toolkits can grow along with us. For now, merely knowing that I can get centered even in the midst of anxious feelings or thoughts is a major shift, one that gives me hope and a sense of spaciousness.

As always, wishing everyone peace and grounding as we head out into a fresh week. Enjoy these tasty recipes and reading links.

Recipes

There’s a mushroom miso barley soup recipe in Power Plates that I’ve become pretty attached to, but I can never get enough soup recipes, and I’m loving Natasha’s version, which is infused with Italian herbs and seasonings.

Wish someone had made these sweet buckwheat crepes for me on Valentine’s Day! Or that I’d gone ahead and made them for myself

This is my kind of potato salad: roasted potatoes, dill, vegan bacon, creamy garlic mayo. Perfect vegan comfort food.

Writing about Hannah’s book on Friday has me thinking about the art of creating really good food in very little time. It’s something I’m still figuring out. Lisa is one of the people I turn to for inspiration in this area, and her easy green curry noodles are a perfect example of a super speedy, flavorful, filling meal.

I tend to have lousy luck when I’m baking exclusively with grain free flours (I do OK when they’re part of a blend that has some wheat flour or gluten free grain flours in it). I’m always impressed with the way that Lindsay works wonders with grain-free baking that’s also vegan-friendly, and I’m dying to try her easy vegan white cake.

Reads

1. In spite of spending a fair amount of time around doctors—and anticipating a year of clinical work on the horizon—I had never really given much thought to what it must be like for doctors to return to full time work after being treated for an illness, especially the illness that they themselves specialize in.

That’s exactly the process that breast cancer surgeon Liz O’Riordon finds herself in now. I was touched by The Atlantic‘s profile of her, in which she admits to having new emotional challenges on the job, including sensitivities to hear certain diagnoses spoken of in dire terms and heightened awareness when delivering news to patients. The article says,

She [Liz] also takes more care with her language, and cringes at the memory of comments that were meant to be encouraging but now seem glib and unsympathetic. “I used to say: You’re lucky it hasn’t spread. No one is lucky to have cancer,” she says. “I used to ask people: Are you happy to sign this consent form? No one is happy to have cancer. As a doctor, you may give bad news 10 times a day. Until you’ve been on the other side, you don’t realize that when you get bad news, you remember every single detail of that conversation.”

There’s a lot of pressure for doctors and medical personnel to remain transparent, cool, and objective at all times, but my own limited experience in a helping profession is that personal struggle often gives way to empathy that can enhance one’s capacities as a practitioner. I hope that O’Riordan can indeed follow through on her hope to speak out more openly about her illness and encourage other doctors to do so with her.

2. Also on the topic of medicine and healthcare, a physician examines the concept of agape as it relates to healthcare. Agape is the ancient Greek term for selfless love of humanity; it’s seen as transcending difference or circumstance, which distinguishes it from filial or erotic love. Pooja Gidwani, a hospitalist, writes,

To me, agape means having the fortitude not only to empathize with patients or to provide compassionate care but to also habitually understand that each patient’s reactions may stem from their physical or mental suffering, past or current. To develop the ability to connect on a more spiritual level with the sufferer’s emotions despite their behaviors to truly be a healer. To put oneself in the shoes of each individual, remembering that everyone we meet is a product of what life has created for them.

I can’t think of a more beautiful summation of how agape can animate medical practice.

3. In the wake of the tragedy in Florida this past week, Vox sat down with Gerry Griffith, a crisis counselor with over 30 years of experience, to ask questions about what’s needed in the aftermath of shocking losses. She offers a lot of practical, detailed perspective on how crisis counselors respond to different stages of trauma among the people they’re helping, and she also has important things to say about the importance of addressing peoples’ sense of powerlessness after these kinds of events.

When asked how she continues to do this challenging work, she says,

I had a mentor, early, early on that said doing this work is learning how to keep your heart open in hell. I know what hell looks, tastes, like, and smells like.

I think, for me, there are people in my life that I can talk to about this. I have a husband, he’s proud of me and he supports me. When I’m out there in Oklahoma City or out in New York, I can call him and I can talk about how the dog, what she’s doing today. Because he’s not there.

Somebody asked me the other day: ”How would you know when you’re done?” I said, “When I stop crying.” When I stop feeling, when I don’t cry, my heart has closed and I have to quit.

I thought it was impressive that Griffith’s barometer of being fit for the task of counseling is having a strong capacity to feel. Something I want to keep in mind, in my own small way, for my future work with clients.

4. I really like Carrie Dennett’s reporting, and I was glad to see her in-depth consideration of orthorexia in the latest issue of Today’s Dietitian.

Orthorexia is a complex compulsion, often more difficult to address than other types of disordered eating because it is so often rooted in basically valuable efforts and intentions to eat healthfully and well. While anorexia put me in my most dire state of biological illness, I think overcoming orthorexia was in many ways a trickier challenge, because it was so hard to separate obsession and compulsion from the sincere value I place on mindful, conscious, health-supportive eating.

Dennett delves into all of the difficulties and complexities of addressing this syndrome, including the fact that, as of yet, there’s no consensus on a definition and no validated assessment tool. “Eating doesn’t become pathological until it becomes entangled with obsessive thinking, compulsive and ritualistic behavior, and self-punishment,” she notes, which echoed my own intuitive sense of what orthorexia is when I encounter it in my own work.

She also interviews Emily Fossenbeck, who is doing really important work in speaking up about her own experience with orthorexia and raising awareness on social media. Emily’s struggle with orthorexia began with elimination diets (a phenomenon I’ve observed often). She’s quoted saying,

“I only felt worse and worse but kept chasing this magical unicorn of the ‘perfect diet.’ The anxiety I felt about food was suffocating and totally overwhelmed most other parts of my life. I was afraid to eat out or travel or—the worst of it—to eat a normal meal with my family. I had to have complete control of everything I was eating.”

I’ve often seen the question posed of what distinguishes orthorexia from healthful eating, and I’ve written about it myself. I think the answer might be that anxiety and feeling of suffocation that Fossenbeck mentions. A particular kind of health-conscious eating style might be either self-caring or destructive; the difference rests in the mentality and subjective emotional experience of the individual in question.

I suspect that the dietetic and mental health treatment communities are just at the start of understanding this complicated expression of disordered eating. For now, the best we can hope for is more awareness, more observation and research, and an ongoing effort to enlist more people who have struggled with orthorexia to honestly share their stories. I’ve been giving lots of thought to recovery with NEDA week on the horizon, and this is nice motivation for me to use my voice.

5. I mentioned last week that the heart chakra and heart-opening are on my mind this month. With loving-kindness in mind, a sweet list to wrap up with.

Happy Sunday morning, everyone. I look forward to checking in with a hearty, colorful new winter salad recipe in a couple days.

xo

 The post Weekend Reading, 2.18.18 appeared first on The Full Helping.

Weekend Reading, 2.18.18 published first on https://storeseapharmacy.tumblr.com