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butterflysuki77 · 8 years ago

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04. My Hope - Jung HoSeok Fanfic

AN* So I ran across this “Bed Sharing AU” prompt list with 8 prompts and thought it’d be a great exercise to explore writing fanfics again. This is the 4th in a series of oneshots. I’m using all 8 prompts with different members. 8 prompts, 7 members… the 8th will be a surprise.

A special thanks to BTS… for giving me inspiration and re-igniting my passion to write again. (Gif credit to original poster.)

01. Kim NamJoon - Must Have Energy

02. Kim SeokJin - Mama Mo’s,

03. Min Yoongi - You’re Mine

05. Park Jimin - Awkwardly Perfect

06. Kim TaeHyung - The BPP

07. Jeon JungKook - Call Me Kookie

08. BTS - Hawaiian Thunderstorm

My Hope

Prompt: You’re severely depressed these days and I’m too scared to leave you alone so yes this is the only solution please accept my hugs.

Pairing: Jung HoSeok x Reader

Genre: Angst/Fluff *Depression*

Word Count: 4.1K

HoSeok smiled at the table full of people. He was laughing, joking, but most of all, he was watching you. Dinner and drinks had been abundant, but he limited himself to 2 beers which had worn off a while ago. You seemed really down... He could see it in your eyes when you looked his way… a slight furrow… a sadness creeping over you. It made him uneasy, but he still smiled at you. You smiled weakly back, and it just about broke his heart. You’d all been friends for a while… and HoSeok knew everyone in the group like the back of his hand. He knew which person like Mexican food and which one was allergic to shellfish… He knew who was secretly hooking up, who wanted to secretly hook up… He knew…

He knew you… and you knew him. His smile faltered, but you didn’t see it. Someone touched his shoulder and he laughed at the story they told. It was a typical Friday night get together at a typical Bar & Grill with the usual people doing the usual thing. It was comfortable. It was happy. He looked at you again… you didn’t seem happy. He knew you would talk to him about it if you wanted to though…

A while later, when he came back from the bathroom, he sat down in a vacant seat by you instead.

“Hey, what’s up?” he asked. “You seem down…”

“I am…” you said, biting your lip. He could tell you were seriously thinking about what to say next. “Can I come over tonight? I really want to talk to you…” HoSeok’s stomach dropped.

“Can’t we go to your place?” he asked. You picked up your coke without looking at him and took a sip.

“My roommate’s boyfriend is staying for the week… it gets noisy,” you explained, setting your coke back on the table. You looked up into his eyes… your gaze piercing. “I need to talk to you privately anyway... It’s important.” HoSeok licked his lips as his mouth went dry. He picked up your coke and took a sip.

“Ok…” he said. “But give me some time to straighten up before you come over though…” You nodded and he smiled, placing a hand on your shoulder. He stood and said goodbye to everyone, smirking at the requests for him to stay, but he made his excuses and left the restaurant. Hopping in his car, he took off quickly. He had a lot of work to do.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You had promised to give him time, but you had lied… You’d left the restaurant about 5 minutes after him, to the stares and smirks of more than a few at the table. They knew how you felt about HoSeok. It’s what they didn’t know that was the problem. So now here you stood in front of his apartment door, hearing the sounds through the door you had expected to here. You took a deep breath and knocked loudly. Silence... then footsteps coming quickly to the door. HoSeok opened it, a shocked look on his face.

“Y/N,” he said with a smile, blocking the door’s opening so you couldn’t see inside. “What are you doing here so quickly? You said you’d give me time to straighten up first.” He laughed.

“Can I come in?” you asked softly. “I really don’t care how it looks…” His face fell, but he hid it quickly with a smirk.

“As long as you don’t mind a complete crap mess,” he said. You nodded, took note of his deep breath of resignation, and he let you inside. What you saw made your heart constrict.

“I’ve been pretty stressed out lately, and I’ve just let things go,” he explained in a matter of fact, laughing tone. “I almost didn’t even realize how bad it had gotten until you said you wanted to come over…” He grabbed a bag he had obviously been stuffing trash into and continued the job in the living room. He kept talking, picking up fast food bags here… empty bottles… old food… “I’ve hardly been home long enough to sleep, let alone clean…” You looked over at the kitchen where piles of dirty dishes sat untouched in the sink. Tears pricked your eyes and you walked over to him.

You wrapped your arms around his waist from behind and pressed your cheek to his back. He stilled… You and HoSeok were close… hugs were pretty common, but this was different.

“Are you ok?” he asked.

“Are you?” you responded softly. His hand came up to rest on yours over his stomach.

“Sure I am,” he laughed. “As I said, I’ve just been stressed with work… and I’m busy…” You squeezed him and he went quiet. He turned around in your arms and caressed your hair as he spoke. “I’m just embarrassed that you’re seeing what a lazy pig I am,” he smiled.

“You’re not lazy…” you said. “You work harder than anyone I know…” You took a deep breath and said what you’d come here to say. “I think…you might be depressed.” The hand on your head stilled, and his smile froze.

“I’m not depressed…” he said, a nervous laugh escaping.

“You’re not taking care of yourself,” you said. “I can tell…” You pointed to the room around you. “I can see the evidence of it.”

“I’ve been busy,” he explained.

“When was the last time you showered?” you asked. His smile faded even further.

“Why, do I smell bad?” he smirked, but you could tell he was getting upset.

“No, of course not…” you said, resting your cheek on his chest. “You only wear a cap, like now, when you haven’t washed your hair…” He froze. “How long?”

“Are you the shower police or something?” he asked.

“How long…” He hesitated… but he would tell you.

“I don’t… I can’t really remember…” he stammered, embarrassed. “A week…. I think…” You looked up at the vacant expression on his face and your heart broke. He backed away from you, embarrassed. You grabbed him and pulled him back.

“Let me hug you…” you said softly. His agitation was growing.

“But I’m filthy,” he said quietly… his head was moving around, taking in his apartment. “This place is a disgusting pigsty… and you’re seeing it…” You squeezed him tightly.

“I don’t care,” you said.

“I’m so embarrassed right now I could…” his voice broke off and he tried to back away again. You kept holding him.

“I don’t care,” you said again…and again… “I don’t care about your messy house. I care about you. Something’s been happening, and I’ve noticed… You’ve been trying to hide, but you can’t hide it from me.” You drew little circles on his back with your fingers as you felt him stiffen. You looked up into his face and although he was a blank mask, his eyes shone with unshed tears.

“But first thing’s first!” you said brightly. “Go take a shower. Do you have any clean clothes?” He looked down, embarrassed.

“I think so…” he answered.

“Then go take a shower,” you said. You grabbed his arm but he stiffened as you headed to the bedroom, a stricken look on his face. He tried to hold you back, but you went anyway. You congratulated yourself on only hesitating for a moment before stepping around large piles of clothes strewn across the floor and unmade bed. You went to his closet, grabbed a t-shirt… then stepped around another pile to his dresser where you pulled out a pair of boxers and some sweatpants. He stared at you blankly as you left his room and headed to the bathroom… which was surprisingly pretty clean.

“Is this towel clean?” you asked, setting his clothes on top of the closed toilet lid. He shook his head. You picked up the towel and tossed it in the hamper. You went back down the hall and got a clean towel out of the hall closet. You walked up to him, standing outside the bathroom door. He was almost in tears, and you forced a smile onto your face as you handed the towel to him. You leaned up and kissed his cheek before pushing him into the bathroom.

“You need to stay in the shower for at LEAST 15 minutes… and make sure it’s a nice warm shower. Take your time… relax…” He nodded, and you pulled the door shut. Taking a deep breath, you walked back into the living room and looked around. It wasn’t as bad as it seemed. It was mostly surface dirt… the product of maybe 2 weeks or so of neglect. A tear slid down your cheek as you took a deep breath and got to work.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

HoSeok grabbed the clean towel and started drying himself off. He didn’t know how long he’d been in the shower for, but he did feel better…. Until he remembered you were in his apartment…

You had seen his apartment. His heart sank… nobody ever came over… He always made sure to go over to other people’s houses. He always went out with people. And when he went out… he was happy. HoSeok pulled on his clothes and started to towel dry his hair. He sighed…. It felt so much better… and he had you to thank for that. When he looked down at his phone, he was shocked to see that he’d actually been in the bathroom for 45 minutes… wow… Sure it had taken a while before he had actually gotten in the shower… but still… He brushed through his hair, brushed his teeth, hung up his towel, and took a few deep breaths.

How could he face you now? He was a fake… a phony… and you knew it. He was supposed to have it all together… all together people kept their houses clean. He knew how to clean! How hard was it to put a fucking plate in the fucking dishwasher!? His chest started to tighten and he leaned over the sink and closed his eyes.

Lately, when he got home, he felt like the easiest tasks in the world took too much effort… hanging up a shirt… making the bed… taking a shower… How could he pick up trash, wash dishes and do laundry if he couldn’t even do the other things? What was wrong with him!? He wasn’t a lazy person… but when he got home he couldn’t do anything… he’d fall in bed and sleep… or fall in bed and veg out on his laptop… or fall on the couch and watch TV until he fell asleep. He always felt tired… he was worn and frayed at the edges, and being home made him feel… closed in… and… ashamed. That’s why he went out… that’s why he had fun. When he was out… he was happy!

Almost…

When he saw you… he was happy. You sparked this tiny glimmer of joy in his heart, and he felt like he could actually feel when he was with you. You had known each other for about a year now, and you were getting closer… You’d hung out at your place alone a few times, and things were comfortable… easy… and he really enjoyed your company and insight. He had been trying to build up the courage to officially ask you out for months now, but how could he when he couldn’t even ask you over… He couldn’t show you that side of himself… but you could read him as well as he could read you… and you had read the fine print he hadn’t meant for you to read. His heart squeezed in his chest… How could you want him now?

Resigned, HoSeok reached for the door handle, took a deep breath, and opened the door.

He heard music coming from the living room and he started that way… but stopped when he reached his bedroom. His breathing sped up and he felt a stinging in his eyes.

His room… was clean. The bed was made with new sheets… all the piles of laundry were gone and the light on the end table was on… and it smelled fresh, clean... He stepped inside and let out a shaky breath…. It was calming. It felt…like home…

HoSeok left the room in a daze and walked into the living room. There were 3 full bags of trash sitting by the front door, but the living room was bright and clean. The couch cushions were straightened; the coffee table was cleared except for a couple magazines. His chest tightened and he tried to blink away tears that were forming. Gathering courage, he turned to face you in the kitchen.

You smiled up at him from the sink where you were finishing up the dishes.

“Hey! Do you feel better?” HoSeok nodded, watching you for any sign of disgust. “You were in there a while! I was about to come get you!” The whole apartment felt like it was glowing… it felt so much brighter that he couldn’t believe you hadn’t changed the lights. Your smile didn’t change though… you didn’t seem upset…

“I have a load of laundry on right now, more to do later… and the dishes aaaare…” you put a plate on the drying rack, “done!” You wiped off your hands with a dishtowel and turned off the music on your phone. HoSeok didn’t know what to say….

“You did all of this…in 45 minutes?” he asked, even more ashamed that he’d been living like this for months… sure he’d occasionally clean it up, but it would take him hours… and by the end of it, never seemed worth the effort because in a week it was the same again. He turned away from you and went to sit on the couch. Suddenly he felt like he couldn’t breathe.

“HoSeok, are you ok?” You came to his side and sat next to him. He moved over a little more… trying to create some distance. How could he answer you? How could he stomach this? Nobody should be cleaning up his crap but him. He was an adult! He could clean up his own stuff…

But he hadn’t.

“HoSeok?” Your voice was soft, and not pushy… just questioning.

“Why are you here?” he asked in almost a whisper. “Why are you doing this?” He couldn’t bring himself to look at you.

“I’m here because you needed me to be here…” you said softly. “Because I wanted to be here…”

“You wanted to be in a pigsty?” he asked a little harshly. “You wanted to be my maid and clean up after a slob?!” You moved closer to him, but he couldn’t bring himself to move away from you again. Your hand touched his knee and he flinched as though you’d hit him. He closed his eyes tightly as you squeezed his knee.

“Yes…” you said softly. HoSeok started shaking his head but you touched his face. He squeezed his eyes even tighter. “You are not a slob.” You stroked his hair. “You are not lazy or a fake…” Your hand wiped a tear from his cheek he hadn’t realized had fallen. “HoSeok… you have nothing to be ashamed of.”

His eyes shot open and he looked at you as another tear fell.

“Nothing to be ashamed of?!” he yelled. “I don’t have people over… I can barely handle all the stress at work, and when I come home I don’t even lift a finger to put a dish in the dishwasher or take a shower because I don’t want to do anything but lay in bed and veg out! I’m lazy and selfish and complete pig! How can I not be ashamed!?” He moved to stand up but you grabbed his hand and gently pulled him back down. He looked down at you holding his hand and focused on the way your fingers curled around his palm.

“That’s what depression is…” you said softly.

“I’m not depressed…” he said back.

“You can’t bring yourself to clean or shower… it’s too much effort…” you said reading his thoughts. “And you don’t feel you’re worth the effort.”

HoSeok felt something inside him crack.

“You aren’t taking care of yourself. When you go out, you’re taking care of everyone else, smiling and happy… You hide it very well…” Your thumb caressed his palm. “You might not even know you’re doing it…” HoSeok closed his eyes and squeezed your hand. “But when you get home, you shut down. You feel empty… you don’t feel anything. And you can barely bring yourself to do anything…” He opened his eyes and looked at you pleadingly…

“How do you know all of this?” he whispered.

“Because I’ve been there…” you answered. His eyes widened and you continued. “It took years for me to realize what I was going through… and what I needed.”

“What did you need?” he asked, wondering what he needed.

“Understanding…” you said leaning in to rest your head on his shoulder. “My mom helped me through it… and a therapist. I didn’t need medication but some people do.” HoSeok shook his head.

“Why am I like this?” he asked...

“I don’t know,” you nuzzled into his neck. “There might have been a specific trigger… or it might have come on gradually… there are many reasons.” You turned his face to yours, “None of them are your fault.” You wiped away another tear as you pressed your forehead to his. “It’s going to be ok. Because I’m here for you… to understand you.”

HoSeok didn’t know what to say.

“But it’s… I’m not…” his throat closed and he couldn’t seem to get past it.

“I’m here because… you’re worth fighting for…” you said. The crack inside spread out even further. He squeezed your hand tightly. When he didn’t say anything you continued.

“I’m here to tell you that there’s hope…”

HoSeok’s arms rose to embrace you and pulled you tight against him. When he felt you return the embrace, he choked back a sob. Your hand caressed his hair as he cried silently into your shoulder. You kissed his temple and his breathing started to calm. You kissed his cheek and he opened his eyes to look into yours. You kissed his lips, a slow, feather-light kiss, and he felt himself ignite. His hands tightened against your back and he kissed you more urgently. The kiss deepened and he was pulling you onto his lap… Your hands threaded into his hair and he pulled back looking into your eyes. They were shining… dark… and you were smiling down at him. And he couldn’t breathe. You lowered your face to his, a ghost of a kiss whispering across his lips. He leaned forward and you pulled back, teasing him. Then he buried his face into your neck and relished your gasp as his teeth and tongue grazed your skin.

A loud buzzer sounded and you pulled him back by his hair, looking down at him and smiling.

“Laundry’s done…” You smiled, kissed him again quickly, and climbed off his lap. HoSeok stood with you, trying to absorb what had just happened. “I have to hang up some clothes and put others in the dryer. Can you take the trash to the dumpster?” HoSeok nodded slowly… a smile beginning to play on his lips. You walked towards the kitchen, leaving him at the front door. He slipped on his shoes, picked up the bags and left.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

When the door shut, you just about collapsed against the counter. Your hands were shaking and you were holding back tears. The feelings HoSeok’s kisses had stirred had you almost panting, your knees weak and shaking. You hadn’t expected that… Sure you had wanted it, but now? Not now…. Not with all of this happening… A tear escaped and you wiped it away quickly, taking a deep breath. The look of awe and shame mingling on HoSeok’s face when he had come into the living room after his shower had been heartbreaking.

You knew the feeling all too well. You still fought against it to this day. Being here in the midst of his chaos… the piles of garbage reflecting his feelings of himself… seeing the extent of what you had only guessed lay beneath the surface. You weren’t turned off by it or disgusted by it at all. If anything, it drew you more to him. You could understand this… you had been so afraid that no one would ever understand you. But someone had… your mother had… the therapist had… Finally, you had accepted that you had to understand yourself. You couldn’t stop yourself from being depressed, but you could see the effects when you started to fall into one of your “funks” as your mom called them. And you knew when to ask for help.

HoSeok needed someone to understand him, someone to show him he was worth every second of effort. And you wanted to be that person. You had wanted him for months, and you could tell he wanted you too, but something was holding him back.

This was holding him back. Not just the mess… He didn’t feel good enough… He didn’t feel like he was worth your time. You knew the feeling so well that it was almost like a familiar energy radiating from him when he was around you. The (not so) funny self-deprecating remarks… The attempts to be close, only to pull away when closeness started to be reciprocated… Seeing him, you could understand yourself even more… and you wanted him to be yours.

Not that you were doing this for yourself…. not really. You couldn’t fix him. You knew that. But you could help a little… and having a clean apartment was a huge start. You finished hanging up the shirts on the rack just as HoSeok came back in.

“It’s getting late,” you said walking over to him. His face was blank… but he nodded.

“Yeah… you’re tired too…” You could tell he was hesitating, but he reached up to cup your head and pulled you into his chest. “Thank you so much for your help… I mean it…” You hugged him back and smiled.

“The last thing I’m going to do is leave you alone tonight...” He froze and your smile grew.

“You… you’re staying?” he asked leaning back and looking at you.

“Of course,” you said, caressing his face. He smiled… a real smile. “There’s still a couple loads of laundry to do tomorrow… you have the day off, right? We can work on it together…” He nodded, and you backed away. “Go turn off the light in the living room…” He moved to do what you said while you turned off the light in the kitchen. You met in the hallway and walked into his room first... You were so nervous… but tonight wasn’t about sex… so you calmed yourself down.

“Can I borrow a shirt?” you asked walking to the closet.

“Mhmm…”

You reached in, looked through a few before you found the one you liked. You smiled at him as you walked around the far side of the bed and sat down, your back to him. HoSeok cleared his throat.

“I can take the couch if… you…” His voice trailed off as you stripped off your shirt and reached around to unhook your bra. Letting both fall to the floor, you pulled his shirt over your head before slipping out of your jeans.

“Just come here so we can go to sleep,” you said turning and climbing underneath the covers. HoSeok just stared at you for a long moment, his face unreadable. Then he sighed and climbed into the bed facing you. You pulled him close, placing yourself just slightly above him so he would rest his head on your arm and you could kiss his forehead. His arms wrapped around you and pulled you tightly against him as he kissed the base of your throat, before nuzzling your chest. You both laid like that for a long time…just breathing in each other’s scents. His fingers played on your back, just under your t-shirt, while you quietly stroked his hair. Then HoSeok took a slow deep breath and let it out through his mouth against your neck, making you giggle.

“Feel better?” you asked.

“I don’t know what I feel…” he said against your skin. One of his legs twisted with yours and you both settled in a little more comfortable. You kissed his forehead again and he nuzzled your neck.

“Well… I feel better…” you smiled, kissing him again. He squeezed you closer.

“I feel like…” he started. “I… I feel like tomorrow is actually going to be a good day…” He almost sounded surprised… like he hadn’t expected good things in his life for a long time…

“That’s hope…” you said softly leaning down to kiss his cheek. “You have hope.” He lifted his head slightly to look you in the eyes.

“I have you.” He leaned in and kissed you, adjusting your positions so he was hovering slightly over you. You tasted salt in the kiss and you didn’t know if the tears were yours or his. He wrapped you tightly in his arms and cradled you against him.

It wasn’t long before you were both asleep… comfortable… peaceful…

Hopeful.

The End.

*As always, any comments appreciated! I’ve dealt with depression a lot over the years, and these things have been true for me, though they may not be true for others. It was a bit more serious, but hope you enjoyed it. :) *

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