#ohhhh. we have Very different understandings of sex and gender. oh..

[irlnikeiyomiuri]

sometimes i get jumpscared w people who have such wildly different understandings of things than i do and its Scary

[polyputthekettleon]

How's the heterosexual part of my sexuality doing? And other transition/brain stuff.

One of the hardest parts about being married to someone I'm not fucking while also being the parent of a six-year-old while also living in a very small house is that the options are limited when it comes to masturbating.

When I wake up, I'm usually thinking of cock and boys. I always think of K first, even though K is now D and isn't a boy. Still, old habits die hard, and when she was living as K, ohhhh my god did fucking that boy when I woke up become a habit. The feel of rising into wakefulness with his body wrapped around me and the dependable warmth of his hard cock pressing up against me... While it didn't happen every single morning we spent together, more often than not he would wake too and the two of us would shift and wriggle around until he could slide his cock into my wet, hungry cunt... and oh god, the bliss.

To be snuggled and warm and full of the most glorious cock I have ever encountered in my life... god, what a way to wake up.

I miss it, but today I'm holding that grief at bay, trying to just enjoy the memories as they come, the feeling of absolute utter acceptance and love when he would moan and sigh to feel my cunt already wet, how good it felt for him to not bother with asking or foreplay (because he already had my blanket consent), and just start fucking me, sometimes right as I was waking. GOD I love waking up to sex.

And then the other morning when J rolled over and his hand rested on my butt as he slept, I thought about how good it would feel for him to keep going with his fingers and slide them inside my aching cunt, which then gave way to a memory/fantasy of the night when I slept between two men in Vegas because my friend was sleeping with the boy she'd been fucking and I wasn't going to leave her alone. One of the boys really did feel me up as we were drifting off, and I loved it but couldn't pursue more, because I was married and monogamous (okay, ish), but they were otherwise respectful of my stated (rather shakey) boundaries (this was an awfully long time ago). But in my fantasy, they both kept touching me, pulling my clothes back off and touching and teasing and fucking me. I wonder if that was the closest I ever came to being in an actual threesome with two men. (God, I hope not.)

So in answer to my title question, I'm honestly not sure. I'm giving myself permission to feel desire for cock, for someone who's a man, for the feel of stubble on my skin, for the gender dynamic I had with K and J as my lovers. I know I do desire it, and I know that one of the things that is making stuff easier right now is that D's sex drive has come back (for now anyway). She's felt interested in and willing, as well as been able to fuck me with her clit (her preferred word for her penis these days). It's been fucking wonderful, because I missed that part of our relationship so much. I am really enjoying getting to know her new body, which continues to change, and honestly there are so many things about relearning her and discovering what's changing that is just the best thing in the world. This weekend, I realized how soft her skin was feeling to my touch, and I was overwhelmed with joy and wonder, happiness for her because of how she's getting to become more like how she wants to be in the world, and how cool it is that 4mg of estrogen can do that. Mind absolutely blown. She also genuinely has some more fat in her breasts, and her nipples are so very, very sensitive, and it's just all so amazing.

She's also been sharing more with me about her plans for surgery, including her contemplation of SRS. If I'm honest, it's painful to listen to her talk about cutting on her body, but I'm working hard to remind myself that how she experiences and pursues a positive relationship with her body can be different from how I do it, and it be okay and not mean than she's rejecting me. That was a super helpful takeaway from my last therapy session; that my tendency is to interpret social difference as a form of rejection, which is not true. I suspect that that reframe, combined with the medicine, is helping this feel better. Additionally, I found some good YouTube videos of women talking about sex after their own surgeries, and I gained a ton of additional understanding from reading a shit ton more about vaginoplasty. Having the surgery and its results demystified, as well as hearing people talk about it still being good and fun, definitely helped me wrap my head around the possibility of D maybe one day choosing that. Plus, it's not like I haven't fantasized about fucking her while she has a cunt like mine... There are things I *love* doing with Y that I would fucking **love** to do with D, and can't. Plus seeing her feeling happy and affirmed in her gender is AMAZING, and really whatever helps that happen more often is what I want for her.

That said, I really really really really like her clit. As it is right now. And I would like for our parts to always be able to fit together, and I would really like for us to be like the trans and cis women in the amazing porn she and I watched together -- they were both gorgeously femme and beautiful and sexy, and one of them just had a cock the she used for penetration, and that didn't detract from her feminine-ness (at least for me) *at all*. To me, that feels like a more accessible strap on, plus one where both partners get pleasure at once. What's not to love??

Ultimately, I know she's the only person who will be able to decide what is right for her. I wish her parts felt 100% comfortable for her, and that she was as comfortable with our current genital combination as I am. I also wish that that surgery didn't sound like it would put a 6 month or longer haitus on sex. I also also wish I didn't feel mildly cut off from my feelings right now, and that has nothing to do with her transition except for that it is likely making it easier for me to not obsess and panic about her surgeries.

But to get back to my question... How's my heterosexual side doing? I think she's okay... I think she's numb, along with the rest of me. I did say I wanted a break, right? Here's my break. I'm trying to figure out how to feel about it.

[mayxwolf]

Maria desires to know all

GAY ASK GAME FOR GAYS ONLY

1. describe your idea of a perfect date. Going to a museum, go to a restaurant, just have fun.

2. whats your “type” My “type” is someone who has a sense of humor, someone who doesn’t mind me venting to them in anything.

3. do you want kids? No, I honestly don’t want kids like I’m scared and nervous what will happen if I do have kids, since I have PCOS, I don’t want to hear the doctor say “I’m sorry but you’re infertile, you won’t be able to have kids” That’ll just be a huge blow on me ya know?? Also its like I do get baby fever but then when I see babies crying, shouting, being rude and such. I know not all kids are like that it depends how you raise them but I don’t see myself raising a child, I feel I won’t be capable to….

4. if you do, will you adopt or use some other form of child birth? I mean, this is the thing, I won’t mind adopting honestly, adopting perhaps like a ten year old or a pre-teen. I wouldn’t mind that.

5. describe the cutest date you’ve ever been on. I never EVER been on a date honestly 

6. describe your experience having sex for the first time (were you nervous? or was it easy peasy?) Never had sex!

7. are you a morning time gay or night time gay? night time gay, bitch

8. opinion on nap dates? what are “dates” I never been on one

9. opinion on brown eyes? I mean, I have dark brown eyes, any eye colors are sexy as hell

10. dog gay or cat gay? both gay

11. would you ever date someone who owned rodents or reptiles? I used to have six lizards, I wouldn’t mind dating someone who owned rodents or reptiles, I’ll be fucking happy as heck.

12. whats a turn off you look for before you start officially dating someone I…don’t understand this question lol

13. what is a misconception you had about lgb people before you realized you were one? “Being gay is a sin, it’s okay if men are gay but if it’s a woman, it’s very very bad.”-my family

14. what is a piece of advice you would give to your younger self. Be who you are, don’t brush it away just because you’re scared about what’s going to happen

15. (if attracted to more than one gender) do you have different “types” for different genders? I think I do, if I like analyze my different relationships, like with males; I always feel like the need to be protected by them, with females it’s like I need to protect them, be like a ‘prince’ to them….I don’t know, that’s just me.

16. who is an ex you regret? OHHHH hoo…wooo god this is….this is the one y’all…..um lets see I did had a poly relationship, it ended BADDDD then there was this girl (online) who I was so head over heels for, dated for only five days, she breaks up with me because she didn’t feel like a lesbian, she felt like she was asexual which was fine but only to tell me a month after: “Oh…..I was leading you on, I’m sorry for being such an asshole and doing this to you, you’re such a nice person and I didn’t know how to tell it to you” like bitch, I know I forgave you and all but…..Bitch….you shouldn’t do that shit to people, you know how badly I was hurt??? To know you used me?? Lead me on???? Just to get my heart blazing only to just make it cold again?????

17. night club gay or cafe gay? Cafe gay, never been in a night club

18. who is one person you would “go straight” for. …..Taylor Lautner, I know he’s old news but like….he hot….even now that’s he’s chubby.

19. video game gay, book gay, or movie gay? All the above gays

20. favourite gay ship (canon or not) ……every ship that involves Jasper..from Steven Universe =w=;

21. favourite gay youtuber I don’t think I got a gay youtuber, wait hold up let me check…..Aly Hills, BriaAndChrissy

22. have you ever unknowingly asked out a straight person? Well no, I’m a shy bean

23. have you ever been in love? Yes I have

24. have you ever been heartbroken? Yep!! But, I honestly didn’t mind us being friends now….although we don’t talk much like we use to…..

25. how do you determine if you want to be them or be with someone Hmmm when I want to be them, it’s because of like oh those are goals, but when I want to be with someone….I don’t know things just happen for the better or for the worse like I don’t expect the person who I have a crush on to like me back, if they do that’s great, if they don’t it’s okay.

26. favourite lgb musician/band hayley kiyoko 

27. what is a piece of advice you have for young / baby gays Please be yourself, even though it is tough when you’re in school or like how I was in catholic school, just be yourself, you’re not hurting anyone for being who you are

28. are you out? if so how did you come out I am out to my friends, my family…..no, I’m scared to tell them the truth…to tell them I’m Pansexual. They take homosexuality as like a bad thing, as well as a joke“Yeah it’s fine if other people are gay but it can’t be my daughter or son oh no, they need to only like the opposite sex…..oh it’s so sad to see a gay man just like men….its so sad, they would look better if they were in a relationship with a woman. Oh if my son or daughter is gay it’s okay I will still love them….-someone makes a joke they’re gay- THE FUCK ARE YOU SAYING YOU’RE GAY, YOU’RE NOT ALLOW TO BE GAY….oh are your friends….you know….gay? Be careful now. It’s disgusting to see women being masculine and wearing ‘men clothing’ they should be lady like, they’re women not men!!! Why is that man being a woman? They’re men, not women, that’s disgusting. I can’t tolerate someone who just say their women/men while they’re men/women.”

My family y’all……

29. what is the most uncomfortable / strange coming out experience you have That is when I told my best friend I’m pansexual, she thought I had like a sexual feelings for pots and pans, I had to give her a lecture about it, she didn’t get it and thought I was Bi-sexual, I had to give her another lecture, she still thought I was bi, I had to argue with her on how the two are different then she kinda got it. She then went forward to tell me if I ever had a crush on her and it’s like bitch you’re like a sister to me I never see you like that lmfaoooo

30. what is a piece of advice for people who may not be in a safe place to express their sexuality Just be careful, perhaps express your sexuality in art or like here where no one find out. Express it with your friends. Just be careful on the outside world, like when I went to Pride with my best friend, taking the train was…oof…..like there was this guy shouting at this chick and her partner, just shouting at them for being together and honestly the police had to come to calm this guy down so these two girls may be left alone as well as how there was this older woman I assume she was with her daughter who is gay and this guy just started a fight on how dare she is tolerating this “sin”. Just be careful everyone, please be careful