#ohhhh ed. his level of control is like: take a break baby

[knowlesian]

thinking about ed, and walls that become cages.

because we know ed is young when he kills his father; we can assume he’s just as young when he leaves home. young when he has to start fending for himself and keep the world not just at a distance but learn to bite back without crossing the fine line between being somebody’s eventual and immediate c.o.d.

that takes control. it takes a certain amount of planning. it takes understanding that people see what they want to see unless they’re looking carefully or you give them a reason to do otherwise.

because there’s no reason to disbelieve ed, when he confesses that to stede; we can have our own take on if he's defining murder right, but when it comes to ed the character with his own internal moral structure, he defines it so that the last person he killed personally was his father.

so the years with hornigold, pirate frat bro’ing it up with jack: nobody figures it out. he leaves home barely more than a kid, grows into a man in a culture where his line there would be anything but the accepted norm, and as far as we know nobody ever figures it out. he becomes the legend, he makes izzy his first mate; nobody knows.

he presents himself as blackbeard: legendary pirate. the kraken is his private shame, the thing he tells himself in his worst moments, and ed is who he is when he’s alone. blackbeard bridges the gap, in some ways, at the same time it protects him.

who would think blackbeard doesn’t kill? it’s ludicrous. he’s born of the devil. a million knives and guns and a head made of smoke. he has made himself so motherfucking scary all it takes is the evocation of his imagined wrath to make people surrender.

like ed said: he doesn’t even need to be on the ship.

the parts of piracy ed enjoyed— thinking fast in new ways and not the same old shit, equally new daring adventures, buckling some swashes and having gay sex via swordfights literal and colloquial that aren’t weird and depressing— are now basically all off the table.

he doesn't have to do much but run from one easy win to the next, maybe plot a daring escape in between, but it’s all the fucking same. he built blackbeard to protect himself; his secrets, his tender underbelly. and then he built blackbeard as a channel for his very real anger, because among the many rational responses to a lifetime of unfair bullshit is being pissed off about it.

violence isn’t ed’s instinct, but push people far enough and they push back. physical violence absolutely provided him a shield (nobody suspects the guy who chops off toes and make people eat them of not liking murder, because... that’s fucking terrifying holy shit that is MURDER BASEMENT territory, if you don't know all the secrets ed told stede, or we as an audience saw in flashback)  but it also provided an outlet for that anger.

he's older now; still angry, because the world is still fucked up, but no longer satisfied channeling everything into the same old expected patterns and only letting his other impulses bleed in around the edges until the world (or izzy) reminds him to pull it back in and be who he is supposed to be.

this is the problem of becoming blackbeard so nobody will be able to see ed, and the things he doesn’t want them to see; self-fucking-fulfilling prophecy. he needed blackbeard, once upon a time, but he’s outgrown blackbeard. it always hurt him, but it used to give him things he needed. 

the utility’s gone. all being blackbeard does is hurt him now and he wants to figure himself out beyond the boundaries of his legend but he built the foundations of said legend so well knocking them over also involves toppling pillars of identities that aren't even his.

it is an absolute goddamned pickle of a bitch of a Situation. i enjoy these writers a lot but also: ow?

[thetradeway]

Session 38 27 Mar 2021: The Flesh Ripper - “We can salvage this!”

The world is a massive bollocking twat this week, so nobody is super happy. Luckily it’s D&D day! Ed reminds us that Melaina did 46 damage in one hit last week, making us all feel inferior. Foul noises are coming from roll20, worrying all of us. Maybe it’s a chest opening noise!

Joe suggests a different noise, one that sounds like a very large beast doing a cross between a belch and a roar, and this one kills Matthew’s sound card. Too much gain on the monster noises.

Matthew heard a news story about a baby shark getting swallowed whole by a crocodile. Tiktok is going to go nuts for that one, they love baby sharks. Ed says he heard about how sometimes baby sharks eat each other in the womb, and it’s the most metal thing he’s ever heard of. There’s a verse for the baby shark song. (We all conspicuously do not sing it, for the sake of Sophie who has never heard it.)

There’s some waffle about the clocks changing while we wait to see if Mina is joining us; she hasn’t been on the group chat today. I send her a message but it doesn’t seem to get delivered. We wait a few minutes to see if she’ll get back to us. Just as Joe gives me control of Kessler, she pops in. lol.

There are some Ever Given memes on the group chat, and then we get started. We are in the Flesh Ripper’s lair…

The arcane casters (except Melaina, who doesn’t have a high enough spell slot yet) all get the Woundbind spell, which they can add to their spell lists.

The doorway on the other side of the canal where we defeated the Black Puddings is blocked with carcasses and bones. Does it look like the flesh has been ripped off them?

DM: “Yeah.”

Ahleqs: “ohhhhh noooooo……”

Kessler rolls Investigation on the pile of... stuff and gets a 15. It’s made of bones and gristle and fat from all manner of creatures from rats to trolls or ogres. The limbs look torn off. (It’s a wookiee - we just need to make sure we let it win.) She can see it will take some strength to shift the bones if we want to get through that tunnel. The roar comes again; we see the back of Ahleqs’ head as he makes a break for it. We could go back and say it wasn’t in…?

We go around the other corner instead and Melaina is immediately attacked by something, finding herself suspended in… something, and her flesh begins to burn.

(Sophie, reading the description of the attack: “‘Engulf’. Bollocks. That sounds awful.”)

She makes a DEX save and escapes. It is a gelatinous cube, AKA, the Dungeon Roomba! (This would explain why the rest of the sewer is so immaculately clean.)

Tarragon Thunderwaves it but it makes the save. She backs up a little. Grease Wizard is up next. He moves closer. “Oh! That thing’s horrendous, look at it.” He throws some acid at it, believing it to be not very dexterous. He is correct - its save is -3, so that is a fail. (Ahleqs, seeing this, warms up a Fireball - forgetting about the gas pockets Shanks warned us about. DM says he can make a Perception check as a free action to see if he smells gas. He rolls a 13; he doesn’t smell anything flammable and is very pleased about this.)

Kessler is up. She is reluctant to punch it, in spite of the potential to make it wobble like a jelly. Ahleqs suggests eating her way out if that happens. She opts for the crossbow instead, and hits it for 5 points of piercing damage. She reloads and fires again for another hit and 10 damage this time. She makes a hide attempt as a bonus action, but she’ll be doing it at disadvantage because she’s trying to hide in nothing. (Cue the Bumblebee gif again.) She rolls two tens and is not hidden. She decides she IS hidden, because she has her hands in front of her eyes. “Close enough.”

Melaina moves and makes a hide attempt, as she is on the other side of the cube now. Nat 20 for a 30 total, she is now in the ethereal plane. She shoots with Sharpshooter, rolling a 21, for 21 plus 13 damage. It wobbles like dropped jelly, and cracks start to form.

Like a blancmange when it goes bad? Well, blancmanges are MADE bad, they don’t GO bad, but yes, like that.

Brother Carl can’t do much. Does he have any paperwork he needs to catch up on? He needs to safeguard both his hit points anyway. He rolls bad on his DEX check to get out of the water and can’t manage it, so he sits down in the water like a toddler having a tantrum in a paddling pool. Not having enough movement to stand back up, his turn is over.

Matthew: “Poor Carl!”

The Cube moves to engulf Ahleqs and Brother Carl - no wait, we’ve missed Ahleqs in the order. Okay, it’s his turn. The cube moves politely back to allow him to go.

The roar comes again and we all immediately panic. Is the ripper approaching?

Ahleqs makes a DEX check to get out of the water on the opposite side to the cube - the same side we found the pile of bones and limbs. He rolls a 21. He scampers up like a gazelle and administers two Eldritch Blasts to the Cube, in short order. “Zap!” A 12 and a 17 for 4 damage total. “Yeah, he better wobble!” Does he sense that it fears him? (Probably not.)

Brother Charity gets a go. Does anyone need any making less poorly?

Us: “You, maybe?”

He slams a potion, regaining 16HP. He holds a healing spell in case something awful happens.

DM: “Okay…. Wheeee!” Oh no. ‘Wheeeeee’ is never a good sound to hear coming from a Dungeon Master.

The cube zooms forward and engulfs Tarragon and Brother Carl, but we both make our DEX saves. It throws a pseudopod at Tarragon but whiffs badly with a nat 1.

Tarragon has had enough; she Rages and hits it with her quarterstaff for 11 damage.

We can see lots of splits in the cube now; it looks in a bad way. Like a chewed Haribo. A sad sight to see stuck to a window in town. Gideon is up - with a little manoeuvring he can throw a Thunderwave at it without hitting Carl or Tarragon. It seems to have a high CON score though so it will likely make its save again… He decides to do an Aganazzar’s Scorcher instead. He stretches out his hands and a big flaming line flies out of them like a flame thrower and burns the shit out of the cube, and Gideon chuckles to himself.

“Engulf this!”

It fails its DEX save and takes 11 fire damage. Woohoo! Does he want to move? No, Gideon is no coward, he’s a stalwart Dwarf dammit.

The small folk are putting the bigjobs to shame today. Kessler gets the how-de-do-dis with her Firebolt. Hey! The bolt penetrates the cube and blows it apart from inside “because I love that kinda shit.”

Melaina is up - wait, what? I thought we did-dis?

There will be a Reason, Duncan is sure. Melaina is AFK so Matthew shouts to the kitchen to ask Sophie what she wants to do. She is cooking ribs. She can’t see what’s going on so she moves forward to attack the cube, not knowing it’s dead. and Joe asks her to show him the path she took. Oh no…

She stumbles into another gelatinous cube. She can make her DEX save, and glides right out of it on the other side to do a backflip and taking no damage. She gives it a stabby with her rapier with a ten, which hits for 7 piercing damage. She yells to let the rest of us know what’s happening around the corner.

Carl stands up and makes another attempt to get out of the water. Really focusing now… a 7. If he goes up to the plank the DM will let him make a STR check to climb up the plank. He rolls a 17! Yeahhhhhh.

It’s the second cube’s turn. Melaina must repeat her DEX save - Matthew will click it for her. a 24!

Brother Carl still gets an attack, so he swings with his mace for a natty 20! Crit table says “Bonk on the noggin. Max damage and roll the damage dice again.” And the mace dissolves…? No, it’s fine. Phew.

DM goes to get more wine, but Ahleqs is up next after that. Would he like to do some spells and shit? He doesn’t want to waste any slots though… Flesh ripper and all…

He will Eldritch Blast again. Zap! Just a hit, with a 20 and a 21 for 13 damage total. Nice.

Charity: “Carl, be careful!” With that, can he scooch past Tarragon? Good luck, she’s raging and all elbows, and will probably do an opportunity attack on him. He slides down the side of the canal instead and goes around her. He clambers back up - well he tries, but rolls a 9 on his DEX check. He goes through all his spells. “That won’t work… Nor that…” He opts in the end for Eldritch Blast and 12 damage total, insisting that it’s ‘divine energy’. Hmmm.

Tarragon rushes forward, still in her red mist, and smacks it with her quarterstaff for 9 more damage; she would move back out of the way to let everyone else get in, but it doesn’t occur to her so she doesn’t.

Gideon does a Chill Touch: “Hyahhh! Ohhhh…” He hits with an 11 for 3 damage. “I’m helping!”

Kessler shoots another Firebolt. 25 to hit and 12 fire damage “to old Blobby.” Kill it with fire!

Melaina backs up and hides, and shoots. She is literally the only competent one among us. 15 hits and 29 damage. Howdy Doody! “It implodes on itself like a nasty custard.”

We beat the dungeon! Yay!

DM: “Nope - not even close.” Aw beans.

Melaina moves forward and finds a loot chest. Too excited to check for traps, she tears it open to find a carved ivory lion with gems for eyes.

Brother Charity scoots around, avoiding Tarragon’s eye line. She growls at him as he goes by, but no-one hears that.

Gideon finds another chest and tries to kick it open but it just rocks back and forth. It doesn’t seem locked upon inspection, so he flips it open to find a blue gem and a sheet of parchment (first level spell scroll). He rolls a D6; a 3. It is a sorcerer spell. He has a bunch of spells so he offers it to Ahleqs.

Gideon rolls a d20 - he gets a 9. It is a scroll of Feather Fall. “Ah! That’s useful!” If he copies it into his book instead of casting it from the scroll, he can learn it. He’ll stuff it into a pocket. He checks on his flumph; it is safe in its pocket-aquarium.

Does Ahleqs want to interact with the chest he’s found? He’s seen others do it; he will try to remember what Melaina does after she says “I’ll check for traps”. He rolls a 17 and doesn’t find any. He can’t find the macro to roll for treasure at first; he gets it together and opens the chest to find 140sp.

Have we looted this part of the dungeon already - oh shit there’s some kind of slurping, gurgling growl. Melaina runs back to hide behind the pillar. We might have to deal with them bones, the ones blocking that pathway... 

Brother Charity sweeps dramatically down the stairs toward Tarragon and attempts an ode - Matthew plays the worst audio I’ve ever heard. It’s a very badly sung song, ending with a marriage proposal.

Tarragon: “Does 23 hit you?”

Charity: “23 hits the fuck out of me.” She does 9 bludgeoning damage with her quarterstaff.

DM: “So you were actually singing that?” Ohhhhh nooooo. This is DM speak for ‘good luck fuckers, the Flesh Ripper heard you.’

We all immediately shit ourselves, but nothing happens straight away. We are all still digging in the bones. Kessler moves forward to Goblin Smash the pile; not the most stealthy tactic. We persuade her to wait a moment before going ham on the bones.

Melaina thinks she could squeeze through the little gap at the top. She and Tarragon make Stealth and Dex checks while Brother Carl helps Brother Charity up; Charity takes a health potion.

Melaina can’t quite get through the hole, but Tarragon scrambles up and through it - not quietly, however.

She finds the Flesh Ripper.

Tarragon presses herself into the wall on the other side - she makes a stealth check with Guidance and manages to keep out of its sight. (Notes are a little spotty from here as I am panicking.)

Tarragon makes a Minor Illusion of the thing on the other side of the pile of bones so the others can see it.

Ed: “Put that away! Put that back in the monster deck!”

Ahleqs casts Mage Hand to cover his eyes, only then realising that its translucent.

Can we fit the armoured goblin through the gnome hole?

Charity asks if he can cast a proprietary spell; Gideon wants to know how many musical numbers are involved. None, his solar plexus has learned his lesson.

He scrambles up and tries to follow his true love through the hole. He’s doing great stealth, but his DEX isn’t going so well so he is struggling to scramble through. He manages eventually, and joins Tarragon on the other side.

Tarragon whisper-apologises for hitting him but says she doesn’t want to marry him. He presses his finger to his own lips, and then to hers; she bites him. He rolls CON to keep from yelping with pain but fails, and we roll initiative.

FUCKkkkkkkkckKKKKCKKkk!

Joe mutes his microphone so he can laugh, and the Flesh Ripper descends upon Charity and Tarragon.

It does something called Whirlwind of Claws which forces a DC19 DEX save. (DC! 19!!!) Tarragon and Charity both fail and take 44 - that’s FORTY FOUR - points of damage. The attack pushes the rest of the bones out of the tunnel, letting the others in behind us thankfully. Charity also does some cold damage to the thing when it hits him.

They all roll initiative and join us.

Joe: I will say one word to you before we start: Primara. (The unicorn!)

Gideon goes first and busts out the big guns. He can cast Fireball at the thing’s head and miss us, because it’s so huge. He also thinks the stonework will take a blast, so he goes for it. It fails its DEX save, ha HA! That means that it takes 27 fire damage and anything flammable in the area also bursts into flame. “Take that, you big monstrosity - die!”

Can it see those of us on the other side of the little tunnel? Yes, because it’s crouching down and looking for us.

Ahleqs also does a Fireball.

Tarragon, panicked, Rages and goes Brown bear.

Melaina shoots with her bow, with a 22 which hits. She does 28 damage. How de do dis??? Please??? She moves back into the water.

Kessler runs at the thing and smashes it with her Thunder Gauntlets. Dirty 20 to hit, for 11 Thunder damage. She uses Fury of the Small to do another 6 damage on top, and goes for another punch. 22 to hit, and ten more Thunder damage. Good opening salvo. As she’s using Guardian armour, she can force disadvantage on the Flesh Ripper if it attacks anyone other than her for the next round. Noice.

Brother Carl is up. He prepares himself for another round of combat in a water trough, as Matthew forgot about him. He makes a DEX check to climb up the side and rolls an 8 which is a failure. He uses the rest of his movement to stand up and look sheepish.

Brother Charity, and the Flesh Ripper is on deck. “I think we may have got off on the wrong foot here…” he casts Magical Glove, aka Shillehglghlbhgllehhlahh. 23 hits, and he does 12 bludgeoning and 2 fire damage. Fire damage? Huh.

The flesh ripper makes a multi attack which gives it FIVE ATTACKS. It misses Kessler with its bite and goes for a slash with its claws, so she reaction-shields. It claws again and misses, and goes for another which also misses.

It does Whirlwind of Claws again. Charity and Kessler go down, and Tarragon is almost re-gnomed.

Gideon calls us back, hoping that those of us still up can hear him. He then does a Ray of Enfeeblement on the Flesh Ripper. He misses. “BALLLLLLLS!”

Kessler, raising her unconscious head for a moment for a spot of sass: “I really dislike that dwarf.”

Gideon: “At least I’ll be alive next round.”

(Savage. lol.)

Ahleqs calls Primara, who rolls initiative to join us.

That was his bonus action. He apologises to Primara for getting her killed, then does another fireball. It makes its save and Ahleqs rolls low on the damage, so it only takes 8 fire. Ahleqs, to himself: “Do I run away?”

Primara moves forward to do a Healing Touch on Brother Charity, who regains consciousness and 11HP. He assumes it was something he did. She then casts Shimmering Shield on Tarragon, which gives her a +2 bonus to her AC.

Bear-Tarragon makes a multi attack and hits twice; the thing is starting to look ‘mildly wounded’. She’ll take it.

Melaina tries Hideous Laughter. “Bazinga.” It fails its save, yay! It falls prone, and incapacitated. We have a choice here - we can cut and run or marmalise it. She rolls to see which way it falls - it collapses on bear-Tarragon, who is trapped underneath it and takes 9 damage.

Kessler makes a death save and rolls a 7 - a fail.

Brother Carl tries to get out of the stuff again. (Maybe he and Popcorn should babysit each other.) He rolls a 4.

Brother Charity is up next. He takes a risk and uses a bonus action to use his healer’s kit. He has to roll 13 or more - and gets a 24. (He injects himself with adrenaline. “I’M ALIVE!!!!”) He Cure Woundses the living shit out of Kessler with a fourteen and shlblgheghldsdllghhs the Flesh Ripper with a Nat 20! Stunning blow - Max damage and the target must make a DC14 Con save or be stunned. (If this fails, it’s back on its feet as it has saved from the Hideous Laughter now.) He lucks out - the Ripper rolls a 7 and is stunned!

It misses its turn as it’s stunned. (It automatically fails saving throws now.) Boom for big fireball damage from Gideon - but no, it only takes 21 fire damage.

Ahleqs is up. “Okay. Um. Do I have to climb out?” (of the bone rubble). Yes, a DC10 DEX check to get out. “It’ll be fine, it’ll be fine, check this out. Yay! Just enough.” He rolls an 11. He stands behind Charity and casts Burning Hands at level 2 for 14 fire damage. It looks a bit bloodied. Huh. Ahleqs gets a nosebleed and takes a few steps back.

Primara is up next. She comes up to Tarragon and does a Healing Touch to give her 11 HP back, and then Shimmering Shield again, and darts back out of range. Me, OOC: “Thank you, I say in Bear.”

Bear-Tarragon does another multi-attack - one hits the other misses, doing ten damage total.

Melaina takes aim with her bow, with encouragement from Goose. 28 damage! (Sophie, OOC: “That’s actually pretty disappointing damage.”)

Kessler is next. She gets up and clicks her neck. She goes right for the groin with her Thunder Gauntlets, 18 to hit and 6 Thunder damage. The second below the belt shot is only a ten so it misses. She dodges around it and disengages as her bonus action.

What does Brother Carl want to do? Splash around in the water? Play with a rubber duck? He decides to try the plank to help himself get out and rolls an 8 STR check. He punches the wall. DM is feeling charitable; he can make a DEX check as well if he likes. Nat 20! He basically levitates out of the water. Ahleqs holds up a little placard with ‘9.5’ on it.

Brother Charity is up. “Ohhhhh balls.” He sighs and does shillebblhlghsfflgjhheh. “Twelvesies?” That’s a miss. “I gently pat him on the shin.” Bonus action - healing potion. Wise. He regains 5HP.

It does the whirlwind again - Tarragon is gnomed and knocked out, and Charity also goes down. The flesh ripper crawls over him to get to the others.

It then hits Brother Carl with a 30 and a 19 - 49 slashing damage total. He goes down, no duh.

Gideon is next, and he casts Haste on Melaina. More speed, AC, DEX and attacks. Woo! He’s basically turned her into a superhero.

Kessler: “Or a super villain.”

Melaina hurriedly: “Shut up…”

Ahleqs is up. He doesn’t need to be in melee with it so that Melaina gets advantage, right? Cool, then he will cast Misty Step and not needlessly throw his life away. For his action he can do a cantrip, so he does Eldritch Blast and uses ToC. “Is that a good idea…?”

Chorus of “Do it do it do it.” Big money, no whammies. Two hits! 7 damage, plus 3. ten total, and he rolls on the old chart. 51: A spectral shield hovers near him for the next minute, granting him +2 to AC and immunity to Magic Missile attacks. He’s protected from Kessler if she goes more rogue than usual, sweet.

Primara moves forward to gently nuzzle Tarragon and brings her back with 11HP. She gives her a quizzical look, and says “teleport?” in her head in Elvish. Tarragon is good in here, but thanks. She politely declines and prepares to do some more battering.

She casts Greater Shilldhbbblhlshggewehh, and hits with a 21 for just 9 damage. “What? This spell is BALLS!” (In addition to the ‘DM win’ button, Joe apparently has an ‘offer false hope’ button.)

Melaina rolls to hide with a 23. “Hidden?” Yes. She shoots twice; thanks Ed. She misses twice. “Sorry, Gideon, I’m wasting my gift.”

Kessler is going to - let’s see… Magic Missile…? Would need to cast it at level 2… That would be four darts… (Ahleqs from the back, sounding pleased: “I’m immune to that.”) No, she thinks her crossbow will do more damage, so she takes aim once at each head. the first misses, as does the second. Bonus action she drinks a GHP.

(Matthew OOC: “Can I just point out that Magic Missile would have hit four times.”)

Brother Carl makes a death save, and passes with a 14. Charity rolls a death save and passes. He gets HP back… It’s a thing he can do. Hmmm.

He is still under the flesh ripper though. He casts Vampiric Touch on it. Can’t miss, as his face is pressed against its undercarriage. Can he have ADV on the roll? Yeah, okay. Oh, apparently he can miss. 

Tarragon and Kessler see, to our horror, the wounds on the hide of the thing start to knit back together.

Tarragon: “Ah, fuck.”

Kessler: “That ain’t right.”

It turns around and does the whirlwind thing again; Tarragon goes down. It crawls over her and attempts to eat Primara. It attacks with a 22 and does 14 slashing damage, then attacks again with a 30 for 19 damage. Then attacks AGAIN with a 22. Then it bites her with a 23 and does 10 piercing and 2 poison damage.

Primara casts Heal Self - phew! Then she teleports herself and Tarragon out of there. Gideon’s turn.

He can see the flesh ripper’s weird grey bits, so he has line of sight. He doesn’t have an awful lot of time for this creature so he burns it again, hoping that the burning prevents the regeneration. DEX save! He is running out of spell slots though. It rolls a 19 - “Ah, that bitch!” It’s still engulfed in flame though. He might have a scroll here somewhere… He has invincib - no, invisibility. (Invincibility would be pretty fuckin’ useful.)

Gideon may cut and run, it depends how the rest of this goes. For the time being, he will hang around. How generous. “Use fire!” he directs us all.  

Ahleqs spends some time calculating distance before casting Eldritch Blast with ToC. He rolls a dirty 20 and a 17 for 8 total Force damage. “That’s a small number!” Creatures have Disadvantage on saves versus his next spell for a minute. That’s good.

Now comes the sad moment where we see the unicorn removed from the turn order, probably. She has a legendary action and uses it to heal herself. So not dead just yet, but she can’t do much else this turn.

Tarragon passes a death save. “Yeah. Winning at life.”

Melaina has been watching the ripper with her beady little peepers. (Ed returns from somewhere. “Is it dead? Did we win?”) Can she hide, on the basis that she can see it but it can’t see her? Yes, so she rolls a 27. She is hidden! She shoots with a 21 for 27 damage, and takes her second attack. She risks using Sharpshooter again, but misses. She has extra movement from the Haste spell, so she uses it to step over Brother Carl’s body and move a little further away from the Flesh Ripper. 

Kessler rolls a death save - an 18.

Brother Carl rolls a death save - a 2, so a fail.

Charity rolls a death save - a 5, so another fail.

The Flesh Ripper takes a turn, and uses it to do whirlwind of claws against Ahleqs and Gideon. Even if he passes, Ahleqs is going down. Oh, also Melaina gets to roll versus this attack as well, Joe says. Gideon, predictably, fails the save. Less predictably, he is still up after the attack. Melaina makes the save so she only takes 22 damage. Only! No wait - she has Evasion. No wait, no she doesn’t, we’re only level 6. She has Uncanny Dodge though, so she takes quarter damage, so 11. “No thank you! Not today!”

It’s still got four attacks. Aw, fuck.

It bites Gideon. “That modifier is monstrous, I hate it.” He goes down. “I should have run away, no!!! Oh, what a horrible place to die!”

Melaina is the last one standing.We could legitimately be looking at a TPK, here...

At least our bones will all lay together.

The only thing Primara can do is resurrect us if we die, and she can only do that once; she darts away and tries to hide so she can emerge and save us if we actually die.

Gideon rolls a death save (ten - pass), as does Ahleqs (also a ten). Then Tarragon (18).

Wait - Gideon’s Haste spell in Concentration. When he goes down it drops. Ed, reading the spell description for the first time - “oh no! Oh fuck! Ohhhh…” In his defence, he wasn’t expecting to get mullered in one round.

Melaina can’t move on her turn now, or take actions until her next turn because the Haste has dropped. Can she go limp and slide into the water like an octopus? The DM - very generously - lets her take a bonus action to hide. “I can feel a natural 1 coming on…” She rolls a 14 total - the thing’s Passive Perception is 12, so she is hidden. Skin of our knickers.

Kessler makes her next death save with a 17. The Brothers also make saves; Carl rolls an 8 and Charity a 19. Ahleqs rolls a death save and gets a 9 - a fail.

Ed, OOC: “We can salvage this!”

Primara has a go at Entangling the flesh ripper; she thinks it’s probably pointless to try, but it rolls a 13 to save versus the spell and is entangled! Yay!

Tarragon fails her next death save. Melaina is up. Can she get past it? She can dash as a bonus action… She shoots at it while hidden first, using her ‘everything-I’ve-got’ button. 18 hits, but she only gets 27 damage. DM tells us not to run - we are SO CLOSE to killing it. Melaina runs to join Primara, whose space she can share because the unicorn is Tiny.

Kessler makes her death save and stabilises. Brother Carl rolls a nat 1 - and dies.

Fuck.

Brother Charity rolls a success on his save with an 11. The Flesh Ripper tries to break free of the Entangle - and fails! Yay! It regenerates some HP though.

Gideon makes a death save - and gets a 19. He’s closer to being alive than dead - but in a death save sense, not a general sense. Ahleqs rolls a ten - another success.

Ed realises he missed a death save, and rolls it now - he succeeds, and Gideon stabilises. Yay! That was a good decision.

Primara is up. Joe checks some spells… She can’t do anything to help so she stays put. Tarragon fails a death save. (Next turn, either way...) 

Melaina sneaks to the door and hides, and shoots - but misses with a ten. She recedes back like a turtle into her cave.

Kessler stabilises.

Brother Carl is dead, so Brother Charity rolls a save and he stabilises too. Phew.

Flesh Ripper goes next, and tries to break free but is still Entangled! Here’s our Hail Mary.

Ahleqs rolls another death save - and succeeds, stabilising. “In a number of hours, I can crawl my horrid carcass…”

Tarragon fails her last death save - and dies.

Fuck.

Melaina rolls a 13 to hide. She shoots with an 18 and hits, for 28 damage - how-de-do-dis!

The arrow goes into one of its’ horrible heads, which looks at the other head and goes “what the fuck!” And it dies. Joe plays some horrible audio. Final Fantasy Fanfare!

Primara comes out and says she has the power to bring one of us back - but only one. They have to choose - Brother Carl, or Tarragon.

Gideon thinks it’s not a hard choice. Melaina doesn’t want to say it too quickly.

They wait an hour while Primara goes about raising Tarragon from the dead, by casting the spell Raise Dead. Some of the others regain consciousness over the course of the hour. There are no more monsters around, so we can take a rest if we want.

We very much do want.

On the plus side, we can level up - yay!