#oh yeah volo is there because im crazy

[mychemicalbrromance]

Delicious in turf war ahh au

[lucky-clover-gazette]

my favorite moments from theamandafiles’s confrontation with volo. this is an adult woman talking to a screen for 7+ minutes and im obsessed with it. the dynamic she’s made up in her head for this game is so far from what’s actually happening, but also absolutely fantastic. the sneasler rant has nothing on this.

transcript under the cut:

He is so passionate about his thing, about his special interest. He really is. I am constantly losing my grip on reality. I have no room to judge Volo for a little bit of unhinged laughter and some mildly insane musings.

Hmm? Sorry, I just. I think I just realized what's going to happen. Sorry. Am I an idiot?

That was your—that was you who did the hole in the sky. Okay, mhm, all right. I got blamed for that, Volo, I don't know if you knew that. It's fine. Honestly, it's fine. Just let's keep, let's keep learning more about Volo.

Right, yeah, we did that! We did that, Volo, right? Didn't we fuckin' do that? Why don't we donate them to a museum or something? Wouldn't that be sick? Would that be fuckin' awesome if we put them in a museum for all to see?

What's—what's this? Hey, what the fuck? Who's this? Is this a prank? Surely, with the hair. Because I did not just see that you have a fuckin' Arceus hairdo.

Oh, okay! Volo's crazy! Right, right. Look at the fucking hair. Yeah! No, Volo's fucking crazy—yeah, no, he's a deranged lunatic.

Actually, yeah. Look at his eyes, oh my god. Volo's going to kill me and then cook and eat my remains. It's. It's fine. I'm fine.

Pokemon Wielder Volo? You mean (voice cracks) Gingko Guild Merchant?

You know what, Volo? I'm crazy, too. Look, I can match this. Like you said, when you said you were going to wipe out Jubilife City, I'm all for that. I am all for that. Absolutely! Yes! Let's do it. We can make this work. I am not invested in helping these people. Yeah, we live in a society? Not for long, am I right?

Just, I looked at the costume again. And his hair. He—he did his hair, you guys. And it's... bad.

First and foremost, what the fuck are you wearing? Literally, I keep looking at it. And the more you look, it's like, the more you look, the more you see.

I'm just really unpacking this... as I kick his ass. Anyway, where was I, Volo? Let me just continue to fuck you up. Volo is really doing this. Volo is really doing this. He's doing it in green pants.

He method acted an entire love story between us. Yeah, he is that crazy. He's that crazy, that he's going to let me slip through his fingers. Are you sure, Volo? You really sure? Maybe, like, that was your plan at first. Because if I may be so bold, uh, it's actually not even fucking possible for anyone to spend as much time with me as you have without falling in love with me.

Like I said, I said it before, and I will stand by that—and I'm about to beat you, by the way—

Call me. Call me, Volo! Oh wait, you can't, because we live in the fucking past, and you don't have a phone. And I do. Mhm, yeah. You know, you can't call me on your arc phone because Arceus didn't give you an arc phone, did he? Oh, poor Volo. He did his hair like Arceus and everything. And for what? Right. It was probably the green pants, Volo, honestly. And the gladiator sandals, what the fuck are you doing?

What the fuck was I thinking? God, why do I always go for these crazy ass fucking men?

I don't want to be picked by Arceus! If anything, I wanted to be picked by you! But unfortunately, I'm amazing. And Arceus loves me. I'm sorry that your little fucking hairdo didn't work to impress Arceus, and that all I had to do was literally exist and Arceus stanned the hell out of it.

What, are you going to kill me? He's going to kill me with a knife now just to get me out of the way. Like, what the hell, why does everybody want to fucking kill me?! I get it. I'm the best. I'm amazing. I'm the best that ever was. But murder is illegal, okay?

What is this? Are you fucking kidding me? What is this act? Oh, my god. Volo... this is very camp.

Volo is fucking crazy. Did I even get to heal these motherfuckers? Am I supposed to catch this motherfucker? This Satan ass Pokemon. This is Satan, I guess. And he came to, like, pull up for fucking Volo. Why? The hair? Was it the hair?

Finally, I got, like, a word in edgewise. Finally. Acorn, take this motherfucker out. Yeah. This is embarrassing for you. You're a God Pokémon? Where? You could have fucking fooled me, Giratina.

I do find it very inspiring that my little tugboat-ass Jay Jay the Jet Plane Togekiss, like, ended your entire bloodline. Mhm, yeah.

Volo! Oh, honey, sweetie, are you okay? Are you going to be okay?

He's fucking crazy. He's so crazy, Volo, I fucking love your crazy ass... but this is toxic of me to say, so, I hate it. I hate you. What was I talking about? Yeah. No, you're such a bad guy. You're the bad guy, Volo. I didn't even read that, fuck.

I know, Volo. Believe me, I would have agreed with you when those motherfuckers kicked me out in Jubilife City. I would have agreed if you had come to me then and you would've said, "Let's take down the whole fucking world. Let's end the entire planet." I would have said, "Okay. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Hell, yeah. That's exactly what I want to do right now." But you didn't. And now I'm here, and I'm... being noble, and I'm going to say, "You better stop, because this is not okay. Cut it out."

I'm crazy too, Volo, I'm so fucking crazy. I'm so unhinged, I'm crazy, nobody understands the inner workings of my mind, Volo, you don't get it.

This is your last chance to scoop me up as your partner. Honestly, Volo. That's what it is. I would fix your hair, I would. We would go back to the salon—to the salon!—I would fix it up. It's not that bad. It just needs a little shaping.

(Deep sigh) Volo, you could have had it all. I would have been your crazy bitch. We could have been Bonnie and Clyde, Volo. And we still can, honestly, if you say the word. And let me fix your hair. And also your outfit.

So I also just want to say really quickly, I noticed that you had a Togekiss, and that means that your Togepi that you had in the beginning evolved to a Togekiss. But in order to do that, I think you need to love your Togapi. So it's like, you do—you did have the capacity to love someone.

He's fucking unhinged. He's deranged, he's crazy. Like, why did his eyes go crazy like that? What the fuck?

He actually looks so good right now, like, minus the hair. The hair is so bad. Volo, that is the one and only reason Arceus did not choose you. Honestly, that's all it comes down to. Easy as that!

But I'm putting my thumb actually, on the—I'm putting it on the screen, over the weird part of your hair? I'm begging you. Let's destroy society together. Come on.

That's so sad, he's, like, hanging up his hat. Actually, please put the hat back on. He's giving me something—he's giving me the plate. Spooky plate. Yeah, that's for sure. That's for damn sure, Volo.

Why do you suddenly look so good? You know, you look deranged and crazy like a fucking lunatic. And I could have swore you off forever, but now you look so cute and good. And I'm like, what the fuck were you thinking, Volo? You threw it all away for what, the arc phone? Bitch. It's really not even that good of a phone. Honestly, there's, like, no games on it.

I don't know. I figured like, a true Arceus fanboy would be impressed and enamored by the girl who Arceus is simping for this hard. Like, if you were to date me, I'd literally bring you with me to meet Arceus, and you'd be able to live your stupid little dream.

Although I will say, for someone who so deeply wants me to fail, you giving me that last plate, that spooky plate... I dunno. It's just kind of interesting, and I am reading into it. Yes.

Volo you are fucking out of your mind. You're crazy. I tell you, you're fucking insane. Somebody wheel him off. Seriously, what the fuck? He's going out in public looking like that.

[thestalkerbunny]

TSB Plays Legends Arceus Part 33

.....Okay that’s some heavy words of wisdom. Good bye Cyllene. I left a Wurmple in your desk drawer as a gift.

We take a moment for a brief intermission.

....What....

In the FUCKERY is that?

Fucking CHRIST.

(I did end up catching it because that was just so fucking cool and such an interesting detail the game and the Magikarp lore in general.)

BACK TO OUR DAILY PROVIDED NONSENSE.

....I caught a Garyados. I....It was flying 90ft in the air. It was so SICK.

I can see, I have EYES.

I have been made aware, tiny cowboy.

What are you implying, Cowboy-I’ve been trying to help with this bullshit. Maybe YOU should do something for once.

That’s WHAT I THOUGHT.

Irida is gonna be in a difficult position regardless.

....Do you at least have a GUN I could borrow?

Yeah provided another garyados doesn’t fucking yeet itself into the sky.

YEAH WE GET IT, SKY SCARY.

Lady, I’ve already got anxiety over this shit in general, you’re not HELPING.

Well Kamando decided to BLAME me in regards to this because it’s just easy and convenient to peg the outsider with the blame.

YEAH CAUSE I DON’T HAVE AN ANSWER. I’VE RUN OUT OF ANSWERS. I KNOW AS MUCH AS YOU FUCKERs.

NOPE. Xenophobia got too thick for me. I live outside now. I’m off the grid. I shredded my credit cards.

*inhales* YEAH I FIGURED. Nobody wants to touch the dirty outsider.

YEAH. I FIGURED. Tell Melli I put a Wurmple in his hut. I put a lot of wurmples in a lot of people’s places of rest-it’s gonna make for an INTERESTING spring when they pupate.

Time also causes wounds to decay and rot when untreated.

*sigh.*

This is fucking bullshit.

I wanna go home. I was supposed to watch Stranger Things Season 4. Our Flag Means Death just got renewed. They just released footage of LECHONK. My skin looks terrible, I haven’t had a proper bath in ages cause soap is just fucking LYE and harsh as fuck, I’m TIRED of potato mochi

This is stupid. Really really stupid.

What is SCREAMING at me, I am LAMENTING.

Ah.

BABY.

You’re a baby.....

I like you baby.

You’re a good baby, you’re not a hateful weird xenophobe who is gonna blame me for this shit.

You’re probably colorblind  and you don’t even NOTICE the sky going all pixely and RED.

Okay bye bye baby, I love you sweetie awww looket them.

Shinx are always so cute. No wonder they’re Sinnoh’s top ranked pokemon pet.

....I miss my old pokemon.

Shit, I hope someone’s FEEDING ‘em. And someone at least is giving Atari his meds. Because uh. Those things don’t go in the MOUTH and he needs a towel hood and 3 people preferably ONE with a VET Doctorate to admister ‘em.

Oh GREAT.

It’s the end of the WORLD and I’m somehow STUCK WITH YOU. God, not even BEEDLE from BOTW doesn’t hound and follow me around like you do.

And I was looking to NOT be found by you. I NEVER want to be found by you, you weirdo.

I have done. ZERO trade with you and your merchant guild. Like. Actual literal ZERO. I pushed all my time and money into pokeballs because I go thru shit like tylenonal on my period.

AH. So you heard Kamando is fucking crazy blaming me.

I get it, you’re a GOSSIP hound.

.....I don’t like how you’re TALKING to me like this, it makes it sound like you’re trying corral me into a weird situational living arrangement with you that I am NOT into.

Don’t bother, I plan to just fuck off the Coastland where there’s a ship wreck. I plan to make a raft and make my way to Galar, thank you very much.

What part of ‘please go away’ translates to ‘please-continue BOTHERING me.’

I am NOT A MAREEP. Don’t HERD me places, I HATE that.

AND YET IM NOT BEGGING NOR CHOOSING, I JUST WANT YOU TO LEAVE, WEIRDO.

Oop.

H....Hewwo?

Cog...Cogita?

Volo please introduce me to your 10 superior.

Mommy-SORRY.

Mommy-SORRY.

MOMMY-GODDAMIT.

-inahles-

Ma’m.