#oh yeah if anyone wants to talk to me about medic@l m@rij@na that's still something I might be considering...

[celiaelise]

Okay so, updates!!!!

I had to wait a while, but my psychiatrist did eventually show up to our video call like twenty minutes late! She sent in my scripts, yay!!! 🥳🙌💕

She was kinda annoying, though. First she was like, "oh it's already been four months! Don't be a stranger, make sure you keep your appointment next time, okay?" Which like, granted, I didn't try super hard to reschedule, but YOU were the one who cancelled the last appointment, and your receptionist only left two messages like, "hey we gotta reschedule lol", not even a, "I'm holding this new spot for you, lmk if you wanna change it." But I'm sure she didn't even realize that when we were talking today.

And then she was like, "I want to try and get you off one of these meds next time." (she didn't suggest the one I'm currently missing, but two others) And, like, I kinda get it? I don't love that I'm on a bunch of meds, like, I do get messed up about it sometimes, ("wAaA ~wHaT aM I iF i NeEd ThEsE PiLlS tO bE a PeRsOn~?" whatever 🙄) and I definitely understand that there can be negative side effects, especially with long-term use. (Which is definitely what I'm doing.) But I'd rather take stuff I know will help me function than experiment with the possibility of not functioning?

Like, I'm not in such a great place rn that I'm looking to find new problems to solve, you know? Plus, we've never actually discussed what the side effects are, and how they may or may not be affecting me. I guess I should've asked, but I didn't think of it, and tbh I just don't like talking to her that much!

There was also the classic,

doctor: have you been exercising?

me: not really I don't have energy

doctor: okay well you should exercise to help with your energy. I want you to exercise more.

me: ...okay.

And, of course, her trademark...

me: yeah so I'm thinking of getting a different job...

doctor: *visibly writing* she is... looking for ...new job...

me: yeah, uh, because I've gotten really burnt out,

doctor: *still writing, has not looked up from paper* ... because overwork...has led to... burnout. Right?

me: um, yeah.

Like, that's not an exaggeration that's literally how it goes down.

I know I need to find a new doctor! I'm going to try and focus on that after I get a new job, hopefully? I'm so anxious about changing jobs though, I hate change!!! 😭😭😭 Whenever it's calm at work, I'm like, "see it's not so bad!" even though I know I need to leave cause I'm burnt out!!!

I'm gonna miss the babies a lot though. 😢 Like, both I will miss the specific babies currently in my class, and I will just miss hanging out with and taking care of kids in general. Cause I really do love them and they make me happy, even when the job sucks! But I'm so burnt out now I don't think there's anything else for me to do. I need a break from childcare altogether. I might go back one day, but I need to recover.