#oh yeah also i’ll be fucking delusional! i’ll convince myself everyone is out to get me!

[stardewgay]

hm

[waynedunlaptheorgandonor]

k i woke up to thirteen unread messages, so let’s just do a fucking blanket text post covering everything so that i can go curl up by the fire with my aus and pussy eating fics in peace, yeah?

spoilers under the cut

hi, yes, hello, i’m still chill and hype

“but diz,” you say into my ask box. “how can you still be hype when kang has clearly demolished everything we’ve worked so hard for?”

because she hasn’t.

“but aren’t you tired of kang doing all this crazy, inconsistent writing? aren’t you sick of her doing everything for the shock value and not being true to the characters?”

sigh.

y’all.

don’t come for my girl like that.

call me delusional if you want, but to me all of this fits perfectly within the same narrative, which has been leading to canon from the day she took the helm. 

i have already done a thousand and one breakdowns as to why carol getting with zeke was caryl-positive, so i’m not gonna go there again, but the leah thing is too.

“but diz--”

shh, i’m still talking. 

picture this: you are a lonely, lonely man who has gone through hell and back, and it took you years to open up to your found family, only for your best friend to explode and the love of your life to go marry a guy who probably worked at medieval times to pay for college, and now you’re all alone in the woods trying to figure out wtf to do with yourself. 

you tell yourself you can keep visiting your niece and her mom now and then, but that kind of sucks bc of the aforementioned best friend exploding, and also you and your niece’s mom had to murder a bunch of small children and that tends to be kind of traumatizing to remember, so it’s not the ideal situation

but at least you still have your girl, even if she is in an indefinite LARP game for the rest of her life. 

but!

then she says, “actually, i can’t come visit you much anymore, what with the whole community, and husband, and child thing,” 

and then you are actually Alone.

and it’s for the first time, because every time before that you at least had your brother, who might have been a piece of shit, but at least he was there. 

so you meet some chick on the road. you’re sad, no longer feel like you have a family (after it took you so long to get one that you actually loved), and you’re more alone than you have ever been, and you meet this chick who is a loner like you, and you’re wary at first. the two of you don’t trust each other, bc you don’t trust easy. but over time you start to build that trust, and she offers you companionship that you are so desperately in need of, and maybe you wouldn’t usually be into it, but given the Literally Everything Else going on, it’s like, why the fuck not? you have N O T H I N G left.

so she gives you an ultimatum--her or what little is left of your family. well, your family is scattered to the wind and being around them only hurts you more, and this person is offering you a chance for something new (and when things get rly bad, hasn’t your go-to move always been to run anyway?) so you say okay. you say you’ll go.

except nvm, she ditched you, lol, you’re all alone again! sucks to suck.

skip ahead, you’re back with your family, and your og girl has dumped the LARPer, and maybe things can be good again, except there’s a bunch of people going full hannibal lecter wearing other people’s faces on their own and murdering everyone, and your og girl is actually insane rn due to years’ worth of unresolved trauma, and you’re suddenly a dad, and you’re being asked to make nice with the guy who literally tortured you, and honestly? it’d be hard enough as is to trust again, but this whole situation is NOT HELPING. 

so by the time the war ends you are tired, and you are hurt, and you are wary, because you keep losing things that matter. and you got back the one person in the world who mattered the most, except she did some super questionable shit, and you’re having a hard time reconciling it, and finally you just Lose It, bc goddamnit, you’ve earned it, mkay? you are entitled to a little blow up. if she gets to literally blow shit up then the least you can do is yell a little, like damn.

but. 

she’s the one person in the world who matters most. a rebound fling over the course of a few months =/= ten years of being soulmates. you’ll forgive her, she’ll forgive you, and the two of you will ride off into the sunset together, almost as if you were suddenly in your own spin-off show. 

what a concept?

/fin/

“alright, but diz--”

OH MY GOD HOW DO YOU STILL HAVE OBJECTIONS?

listen. here is what daryl/leah teaches us:

-daryl is willing and capable of having intimate relationships

-that being said, daryl being in a relationship has been a Big Thing for everyone, regardless of who they ship him with, since s1, so if it was supposed to be The Most Important Relationship Ever to him, the juicy parts would not happen off screen. there’s a reason the sex is only implied. they’re not showing it until it’s the Real Thing

-we now know daryl has had sex in the past ten years, so maybe he’ll actually last more than six seconds when he bones down with carol! very good!

-this also teaches us that hoo buddy, y’all have some mixed morals when it comes to these characters. the “daryl would only be in a relationship if he rly loved them, so how could he possibly love carol still?” thing is like. dude. carol is MARRIED during this, and he doesn’t get to see her much anymore. is he supposed to just walk around jacking it while crying for the rest of his life? the man tried to move on, and the tragic thing is that he got screwed over. i do not think this is out of character at all. i think daryl fell in love with carol, she got married, he was lonely, tried to move on and convince himself he could be happy with this other chick (who might be rly cool, who knows??), and then he got his heart broken again, before it ever really healed to being with. the boy is a giant bleeding heart who is getting stomped on constantly, and y’all better stop yelling at him for trying to feel better or i’ll come for you. this is like carol having rebound sex with zeke. if you want your characters to be realistic then you have to let them do human things, holy shit

this is getting excessive, let’s tie it up.

the main takeaways here are:

-no it’s not out of character

-yes it fits the narrative, kang isn’t just throwing spaghetti at the wall and seeing what sticks, it all has a purpose, which is why i’m totes fine with it

-leah might not actually die, which thank god, i thought it was douchey of them to kill off another woman for Man Pain. i’m glad i’ve been wrong about her and connie both

-oh yeah, connie...i have no new feelings on connie

-daryl now has sexual stamina, so we can all update our headcanons now

-“i can’t believe they end the episode on such a sore note! their friendship is almost destroyed, how will it ever recover??” ...how are you surprised? that was...that was literally the description of the episode, my dude. that one didn’t exactly come out of left-field. it’ll be okay, they’re gonna make up. hopefully through a bunch of hyperbolically tragic misadventures. it’ll be a good time, calm down

-there is a FUCKING SPIN-OFF coming, how can you think they won’t reconcile?

-actually it’d be super funny if they were just giving each other the silent treatment throughout the entire thing lmfao

-���have you seen that new caryl show?” “yeah, it’s fucking weird. there’s no dialogue??”

-anyway

-does it help if i said i secretly thought they might fuck the whole time, specifically for the reasons stated above, and i’ve been kinda into it since the promo but didn’t say so bc i didn’t want to get hanged? ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

-idk y’all, that’s all i got. drink up ig?

i just found out that i’m literally anemic, and y’all are still more exhausting than anything else. it’s okay to just like. enjoy things. i promise.

now if you’ll excuse me, i have aus to dive head-first into. i’m not gonna say a whole bunch else about shit unless it gets rly necessary. i think i will make this blog relentlessly positive out of spite, and will just post fics and shippy gifs. i have a photoshop free trial (thatigottomakeaberniememe), mb i’ll make sappy caryl gifs as practice and bombard you all with them. feel free to come by for cheering up, but i’m not gonna repeat myself six thousand times, either

stay hype, STAN KANG, and get daryl to call carol sweetheart 2k21,

-diz

[amaranthinecanicular]

and the name for your order is

The guy snarls his order, and Kirishima is glad because clearly he's an unrepentant dick to everyone, not just Amajiki. It's easier to come to terms with than he thought it would be. “And your name?” he says, plucking a cup from the stack and uncapping the marker with his teeth.

“Who the fuck wants to know?” says the customer.

“Oh no,” says Kirishima, because oh no, he likes this guy. It's one of those sudden revelations that takes him by the throat and shakes him down. Who wants to know, he says, as though it wasn't obvious. Who wants to know. So absurdly aggressive it ends up amusing instead of intimidating. Endearing, even.

[My belated @fyeahbnha secret santa gift for @pointy-hat-witch! Please enjoy, and happy holidays!!!]

[Alternatively read on ao3.]

OCTOBER 

Fat Gum’s Café has a new customer.

Well. Not new, exactly. He's been showing up for the last two weeks or so but only on days Kirishima wasn’t working. The news shared by his coworkers more closely resemble war stories than work gossip, ranging exclusively from horrible to terrible. 

“He’s the scariest person I’ve ever met in my life,” says Amajiki.

“He’s like a sentient piece of crap rolled up in a garbage can and set on fire,” says Kaminari.

“He makes Give me a mocha double espresso sound like an order of execution,” says Amajiki.

“He’s rude and violent and he has no honor,” says Tetsutetsu.

“If he’s not actually a demon sent from the depths of hell to torture me specifically I would be very surprised,” says Amajiki. Most of the stories are from Amajiki.

Kirishima is dying to meet him, in part to defend his friends’ honor and in part to put a face to the legend. Luckily, the start of the new quarter means new classes at new times, and that means new work hours. What was originally a Tuesday-Thursday-Friday-Sunday schedule shifts to a Monday-Wednesday-Saturday schedule. Kirishima feels bad about that. He likes the coffee shop, likes his coworkers, likes his boss. If he could ace his tests and help out at Fat Gum’s every day he would, but he can't. His grades are dragging.

On the bright side, he meets their local celebrity, like, immediately.

It’s his first Saturday on the job. He knows it’s about to go down when he finds Amajiki attempting to assimilate himself into the storage closet. 

“He's back,” says Amajiki, doing an excellent impression of coffee grounds quaking in fear. “If I have to deal with him again I'll die, I'll just die. Tell Mirio and Hadou I said goodbye. I'm sorry, Kirishima-kun, I can't do it.”

Poor guy. Amajiki is convinced this dude is terrorizing him deliberately, which Kirishima sincerely hopes isn't true. Anyone who would go out of their way to frighten serious, hardworking, anxious Amajiki must be a monster.

As if to punctuate this point, someone out at the front begins to brutalize the counter bell. To be fair, they really shouldn't leave it unmanned.

“Don't sweat it, senpai,” Kirishima says. He doesn't give Amajiki the manly clap to the shoulder that he wants to—Amajiki isn't so good with physical contact from anyone other than Togata or Hadou. “I'll handle the problem customer.”

Amajiki peeks at Kirishima through coffee filters and the dark wedge of his fringe. “You—you mean it?” 

“Sure do. I like a challenge.”

He flashes his brightest smile. Amajiki squints a little at the force of it. 

:

Kirishima is honestly surprised that the poor bell isn’t dented by the time he comes to its rescue. 

“About fucking time,” says the problem customer. He's got riotous blond hair and a scowl on his face like it's been carved there. There's a grenade logo sprayed on his baggy black tee, which makes sense, because one look at this guy brings to mind the word explosive.

“How may I help you, sir?” says Kirishima, with deliberate pep. Impossibly, impressively, the scowl cuts deeper. Like an attack—like he's never not on the offensive. That's fine. Kirishima’s smile will be his armor. 

The guy snarls his order, and Kirishima is glad because clearly he's an unrepentant dick to everyone, not just Amajiki. It's easier to come to terms with than he thought it would be. “And your name?” he says, plucking a cup from the stack and uncapping the marker with his teeth.

“Who the fuck wants to know?” says the customer.

“Oh no,” says Kirishima, because oh no, he likes this guy. It's one of those sudden revelations that takes him by the throat and shakes him down. Who wants to know, he says, as though it wasn't obvious. Who wants to know. So absurdly aggressive it ends up amusing instead of intimidating. Endearing, even.

Kirishima spits the cap out of his mouth. “I want to know. For your order, man.”

The problem customer narrows his eyes as though to peer through Kirishima’s question to the ulterior motives behind it, which is insane, since there are no ulterior motives to be found in the absolutely routine procedure of a coffee shop. Cheerfully oblivious seems to be getting under his skin, so Kirishima leans into it. “What if I forget who asked for the mocha double espresso?”

The customer rolls his eyes. He rolls his eyes violently. “Right, because I'm real fucking forgettable.”

“You could be.” The look he gets for that is entirely worth breaking the Customer Is Always Right creed. “We get a lot of traffic, man, it’s nothing personal.”

The customer braces himself on the counter and leans into Kirishima’s space. Instinct hooks in his spine and tries to reel him back a step or two, but he hardens his resolve into stone and ties it to his feet, weighs himself down, refuses to budge.

“You'll remember me,” the customer says. A promise like a threat, and for the first time in the duration of this exchange Kirishima feels seen by him. Acknowledged. It's the same feeling as scoring well on a test, or making a sad friend laugh. Hard-won and worth it. Kirishima can't stop the grin from breaking onto his face so he doesn't try to.

“Sure I will. I like you.”

And the look he gets for that, well, that's priceless.

“So that name?”

“Fuck off.” 

The guy recovers fast, that's for sure. Kirishima watches him skulk to the serving counter where he roots himself like a particularly irritable tree and barks at anyone who gets too close. The next customer gets an extra punch in her punch card for the wait, and when the guy's order is up, Kirishima is ready with a sharpie in hand. Amajiki has ventured back out to help with orders, steadfastly avoiding anything problem-customer-related, but he blanches when he sees what Kirishima is scribbling on the cup. “Are you insane? Do you have a death wish? Should I be getting you help?”

“Trust me,” Kirishima says. He caps the coffee and walks it to its rightful owner. “One mocha double espresso for Mr. Unforgettable.”

The guy snatches the cup. He stomps off without another word.

Thirty seconds later he stomps right back. 

“Blasty McSplode?”

Amajiki ducks under the counter. Kirishima, in the process of taking another order, smiles wide enough to cramp his cheeks.

“Hey! Back already?”

“Blasty Mc-Fucking-Splode?”

“You wouldn't give me your name. I had to take a stab at it myself. Was I close?”

“I'll show you taking a stab—”

Blasty rants and raves for a full minute, splashing mocha just about everywhere, until finally Fat Gum himself ambles out of his office to gently shoo him from the shop. Kirishima waves at him around Fat Gum’s bulk. Blasty waves his middle finger in response. When Fat Gum comes back in he raises an eyebrow at Kirishima, which, yeah, he definitely deserves, but he also passes a heavy hand through his carefully gelled hair to show that he's not really mad. Kirishima fixes his hair as best he can while Amajiki climbs out from under the counter.

“I can't believe he didn't kill you for that,” he says, his voice buffed by awe.

Kirishima gives the next customer's punch card an extra punch too. Hell, he gives her two extra punches. Why not? He's in a great mood.

:

Two days later Blasty stalks in and Kirishima can't believe his good fortune. He calls out a greeting from across the cafe and gets a glare in response, but that glare holds, a few seconds of extended eye contact, long enough to stay in Kirishima’s belly after it's ended and flutter there.

Blasty growls his order. Kirishima asks for his name. Blasty tells him to go die and Kirishima scribbles Lord Explosion Murder on the cup. He's rewarded with a snort of amusement.

“Did you see that?” he gushes to Kaminari, after Blasty has left. “He totally laughed! He liked it!”

“I saw it I saw it ow stop hitting me!” Kaminari rubs the place on his shoulder that Kirishima had been slapping repeatedly. “I dunno, man. That sounded more like a scoff to me.”

Nah, he's pretty sure he was amused.

:

The next time he comes in, after the requisite exchange (“Your name for the order?” “Eat a dick,” “Cool cool I think I'd get fired if I wrote that but cool,”) Kirishima writes King Explosion Murder on the side of the cup. 

“Better,” Blasty huffs.

Kirishima feels like cloud-walking for the rest of the day. Kaminari isn’t on shift, but when Kirishima texts him, he texts back: “I stand corrected. When are you asking him out?”

“All in due time,” Kirishima promises his phone.

:

NOVEMBER

Blasty’s schedule: 

He shows up Monday mornings, rumpled by sleep and grouchier than usual, before he heads off to class. Wednesday evenings he drinks and studies until closing time. Saturday afternoons he sits at the window with a bento. Coincidentally these are the three days and times that Kirishima is on duty. And it must be coincidental, because if it's not then that means that Blasty memorized his schedule and molded his life accordingly, learned to fit him in, looks forward to seeing him three days out of the week. Kirishima may be an optimist, but he's not delusional. He knows how dangerous a daydream like that can be. 

He’s probably just here because it’s a good place to study. And there must be an exam coming up, because lately he’s been showing up with even more books than usual, and suitcases under his eyes instead of bags. He’s crabbier, too, which Kirishima didn’t think was possible and is honestly impressed by. By this point he has unofficially become the only one willing to serve him, but this wild-eyed evolution of Problem Customer into Demon Customer From Hell just clinches it.

“Maybe you should take a break,” Kirishima says, when he brings over Blasty’s third espresso in as many hours. It’s Saturday, usually Blasty’s day to sit and gaze out the window with one of his more pensive death glares, but today he’s entombed himself in a mountain of notes and textbooks. Kirishima nudges aside a few notebooks to make room for the cup.

“Maybe you should go fuck yourself with a rake,” says Blasty, without looking up from the violent strokes of his pen. “Touch my stuff again and I’ll kill you myself, shitty hair.” 

Watching from behind the counter, Amajiki wheezes with secondhand horror. Kirishima peers at the crowded table. “Hey, where’s your bento?”

Blasty slams his pen down. “Was I not clear enough, you moron? Fuck off! Leave me alone!”

Kirishima raises his hands in surrender. Blasty’s mouth opens as if to say something else, but nothing comes out. Maybe he’s realized he’s gone a step too far. They stare at each other for a beat, and then his jaw snaps shut. He jerks his head back to his books and Kirishima retreats to the counter. 

“He can’t speak to you like that,” Amajiki says, suddenly stern. He’s always braver on someone else’s account. “I’ll tell Fat Gum, he’ll understand. We don’t have to serve him. You don’t have to take his abuse.”

“The guy’s under a lot of stress,” Kirishima says. It’s overindulgent even for him, but when he glances over his shoulder he sees Blasty wrench his gaze away. “And I think he feels bad.”

Amajiki obviously doesn’t think so, but he says nothing more, which Kirishima appreciates. By closing time Blasty is the only customer left in the shop, still hunched over his books and writing furiously. Kirishima has given him his space, and he hasn’t asked for another coffee. Amajiki is still angry enough to go tell him they’re closing—he’ll even be properly intimidating about it—but Kirishima stops him.

“I’ll lock up,” he offers. Amajiki’s look of disapproval is a blow to Kirishima’s pride, but he stands firm. So Fatgum leaves, and Amajiki leaves, with a sigh and a firm promise that he’ll be on standby if Kirishima needs anything, and then the place is empty and it’s just him, Blasty, and the scritching sound of his pen.

Kirishima takes his time. He cleans up and Blasty keeps studying. He locks the doors and Blasty keeps studying. He sits down at a table across the cafe and gets some of his own homework done, and Blasty keeps studying. Then he goes back to the machines, knowing he’ll have to clean them again, and whips up a special drink. When he’s done, he writes FIGHT ON! where the name should go.

“I don't want your fucking charity,” Blasty says as he sets it down. 

“You’ve accepted it so far,” Kirishima points out blandly, gesturing to the very obviously closed cafe. Before Blasty can bite his head off, he continues, “Anyway, don't think of it as charity. Think of it as…an investment.”

“Investment in what?” His eyes are narrowed and very red, both in the iris and the bloodshot sclera. 

Kirishima weighs the pros and cons of his next move and decides to go for it. He hazards a wink. “In my future best customer.”

Blasty is unimpressed. Like, fatally unimpressed. Like, it's impressive how unimpressed he looks. Aggressively deadpan. He has to practice that look in the mirror.

But he takes the cup, and when Kirishima peeks at him later, he's smirking at the sharpie message. 

:

Monday morning sees Blasty quiet and terse, but civil. Civil for him, anyway. Kaminari is disturbed.

“What did you do?” he hisses once Blasty bulls out of the shop. 

“Nothing.” Even if he barely met Kirishima’s eyes. Not promising.

“Did you fight?”

“No.”

“Did he turn you down?”

“No. Dude, nothing happened.”

Kaminari raises his hands. For a minute they work in silence.

“So if you didn’t get turned down, are you gonna ask him out soon?”

Kirishima hands off an order, and then lets his customer service smile drop. “Now isn’t a good time. I’ve got to give him some space.”

“Okay, but what about all your fortune favors the manly stuff? Isn’t that the reason you got this far in the first place?”

“How far is that? I still don’t know his name.” He can feel Kaminari’s eyes on him, and he tries to rally. Picks up his smile and pastes it back on. “Hey, enough about me. How’s it going with you and Shinsou?”

Kaminari lights up. For the next twenty minutes he regales Kirishima—and the whole cafe—with his loud and maudlin romantic woes, all he’s so hot the bags under his eyes should not be so hot and his dry sense of humor is so hard to read and I think he’s flirting with me but I thought that with Jirou and she and Momo still won’t let me live it down. 

Kirishima listens and laughs and offers advice, and he does his job, and he doesn’t think about his grumpy favorite customer even once. Really he doesn’t.

:

When Blasty comes in on Wednesday, he looks well rested. Kirishima waves before getting back to orders. This is apparently not good enough for Blasty, because he scowls at the people in line and then stalks over to the serving counter and proceeds to glare daggers, like he expects Kirishima to just up and abandon his work to attend to him. Like, yeah, he wants to, but it wouldn’t be right. Even if Blasty scares other customers away from the counter. And even if Kirishima is getting steadily more distracted the longer he stares. 

On the third order he messes up, Tetsutetsu intervenes. 

“Go on,” he sighs, nudging Kirishima aside as the next customer steps up. “Make it fast, bro.”

Kirishima promises him a meat bun after work and hurries over. “Hey. You’re looking better. Did you ace the test?”

“Obviously.”

“That’s great. Congratulations.”

There’s a stalled moment. Kirishima taps his fingers on the counter. Blasty is visibly grinding his molars.

“Cool, so I’m gonna get back to work, I’ll make you your regular—”

“Last week,” Blasty starts. He bites out each word. “Last week, I was.” He stops, lips pressed tight and bloodless.

“An asshole,” Kirishima supplies.

Blasty hums low in his throat. Or he growls. Either way it’s as close to an admission as Kirishima is going to get, and it clearly took a hilarious amount of self restraint for even that much. 

Blasty clears his throat and says, “That drink you made. What was in it?”

Kirishima is a little thrown by the shift. “Xoaxacl chocolate, a little chili powder. I thought you might like an extra kick.”

“It wasn’t half bad.” There’s color along the bridge of his nose. “I’ll take one of those.”

Maybe Kirishima had been more upset by Blasty’s behavior on Saturday than he thought, because now he feels loads lighter, any old hurts dissipating like clouds under the sun. He smiles, and Blasty blinks a lot, the color spreading to his cheeks and his ears and down his throat.

“One special order, comin’ right up!”

Kirishima turns around and reaches for a cup and marker. And then, behind him: “Bakugou Katsuki.”

He pauses. “Sorry?”

Blasty is rubbing roughly at his mouth. His whole face is glowing. “You heard me.”

“Bakugou,” says Kirishima, trying the taste on his tongue. Bakugou, full of plosives and hard consonants. “I love it. It suits you.”

Bakugou’s eyes snap wide, then narrow just as fast. “Why the fuck should I care what you think of my name? It doesn't need your approval, dipshit.”

When Kirishima is finished making his drink, Bakugou snatches it from his hand and whirls on his heel, a dramatic spray of foam following him out. Kirishima tingles where their fingers touched.

Then he watches Bakugou take a deep pull, and he has to go clean the latte machine before he’s murdered by the lethal and lovely line of Bakugou’s throat.

:

DECEMBER

“Y’know, I still don’t know what you study.”

“Probably because it’s none of your business.” 

“Right. Except how it kind of is literally my business, since I let you study here, in my place of work, after we’ve closed.”

This has become their ritual. On Saturdays Bakugou stay past closing, sometimes doing schoolwork, sometimes helping clean up, sometimes just chatting. He never stays past nine thirty—Kirishima has learned that he likes to turn in before ten every night, which is bizarrely adorable—but it doesn’t matter. Any amount of time with him is always going to feel like a blessing, and it’s never going to feel like enough.

“You’re not doing me any favors, shitty hair, get that thought out of your empty skull this instant.”

“Sure, sure.”

Kirishima finishes cleaning up. Once the last table is wiped down he sits heavily across from Bakugou, happy to finally be off his feet. His eyes feel swollen, too big for his skull. His grades have yet to pick up despite the extra hours of studying he’s been putting in. He presses his knuckles into his eyes for a moment of relief.

“I’m a med student.”

He blinks the colorless starbursts from his eyes. Bakugou, across from him, comes into focus: his head is still down, his gaze still fixed on his book. Sometimes he wears glasses, thick dark frames that Kirishima loves, and today is one of those days. He grins.

“No shit! You’re going to be a doctor?”

“A surgeon.” Some color rises in his ears; he looks pleased. Maybe because of how awed Kirishima sounds. But why wouldn’t he? Anyone working to help people is worthy of admiration, and manly as hell.

“Dude, that’s awesome. I’m studying to be a nurse.” 

The corner of Bakugou’s mouth twitches upward. “Nurses are badass.”

“I think so. You a doctor, me a nurse. I bet we’d make a good team.” 

Bakugou scoffs, even as pink starts to pool in his collarbones. Kirishima still doesn’t get why certain things make him flush, but he’s happy to learn. He rests his cheek in his hand and tries not to smile too dopily. “Y’know, for a med student you sure drink a lot of coffee. You know too much of this stuff is terrible for you, right?”

“I’m going to tell your boss you said that and get you fired.”

“That’s really not how it works.”

Bakugou’s glare is magnified by the glasses. He takes a long, aggressive sip of his drink—the strength it takes Kirishima not to burst out laughing is Herculean, truly, with the slurping and the deliberate eye contact and all, because only Bakugou could turn coffee into an intimidation tactic. Then he says, “Whatever. I'm invincible.”

Kirishima bursts out laughing. Bakugou grumbles beneath his breath, but his threats delight Kirishima more than they intimidate; Kirishima’s laughter seems to confound Bakugou more than it enrages. They're good for each other, is his sudden thought, and it thrills him.

He’s a little teary and a little breathless by the time he gets himself under control. Through the blurry smudge of his eyelashes he sees Bakugou. Then he’s breathless all over again.

Bakugou’s face—Kirishima wouldn’t say it softens. But there is a softness there, in his unsmiling mouth, in his brow, stern but smooth. He’s just—watching him, steadily. Intent. 

“Hey,” Kirishima says, and it’s easy, it’s so easy. “Make sure you come in on Christmas, alright? I get out early, and I want to ask you something.”

And maybe he expects Bakugou to fluster, or to scowl, or to demand to hear his question then and there. He doesn’t.

 “Fine,” he says, and he just keeps watching. Like he wouldn’t mind watching Kirishima forever.

Maybe Kirishima’s projecting a little.

:

Bakugou would probably tear him a new one for spreading the news around, but Kirishima is too excited to keep it to himself. 

“I’m happy for you,” says Amajiki, sounding worried but sincere.

“Congrats, man,” says Tetsutetsu, and then they have a celebratory arm wrestling match.   

Kaminari is a little more suspicious. “So you haven’t asked him out yet?” 

He’s standing on a stepladder, hanging Christmas decorations while Kirishima mans the counter. Bakugou has already stopped by for his morning coffee, and it’s been a slow morning since. The few people trickling in have been couples, sharing hot chocolate and slices of cake. Kirishima has spent an inordinate amount of time daydreaming about similar situations. In his head it’s usually a little less cozy and a little more explosive, but he likes it better that way.

“Technically no.” He tops the latte he’s working on with extra foam. “I asked him to come by on Christmas, and I’m going to ask him out then. I’ve got a plan.” 

Kaminari doesn’t need to know how nebulous said plan is. At the moment it includes things like Step One: Bribe With Spicy Food (Addendum: Can Christmas Cake Be Spicy?), Step Two: Sweep Bakugou Off His Feet, Step C: Profess Manly Adoration, Step N: Kiss Just Like, Wow, A Whole Bunch. The truth is he’s always been more of an in the moment kind of guy. But he likes Bakugou—he really, really likes Bakugou. He doesn’t want to screw everything up with an impulsive word or action. And if that means taking precautions he wouldn’t usually bother with, he’ll take them. 

“I dunno, man,” says Kaminari. “Midoriya and Momo are all about plans. You…not so much.”

Kirishima decides Kaminari knows him too well. “Any progress with Shinsou?”

That does the trick. Kaminari brightens like the bunch of LED Christmas lights in his arms. He practically swoons, the stepladder protesting beneath him. “Dude, you have no idea. I took a leaf out of your book, just asked him straight out, and lemme tell you I knew Hitoshi was hot but I’ve never seen anyone blush so cute in my whole damn life—”

He swoons a little too hard, arms wheeling, and Kirishima barely vaults the counter in time to catch him. There’s some polite applause from the handful of patrons in the shop. Kirishima and Kaminari bow, and then Fat Gum tells them to quit fooling and get back to work. 

Kirishima does not spend the rest of his shift thinking about how Kaminari called Shinsou Hitoshi. And he definitely does not think about calling Bakugou by his first name on Christmas. 

He does, however, scrawl Katsuki on no less than three to-go cups. 

:

Kirishima does not see Bakugou on Christmas. He does not see much of anyone, or anything, on Christmas. He can barely see his own hand in front of his face, which could be the delirium brought on by the fever or the copious amount of sweat rolling into his eyes, which is also brought on by the fever. 

As badly as he wants to push through the pain, not even he is hardheaded enough to try and drag his sorry carcass to work. It’s hard enough to drag his sorry carcass to the bathroom and back. He tries to text his coworkers (Tamaki? Kaminari? Tetsutetsu? He can’t recall who’s working today, so he texts all of them) and asks them to apologize to Bakugou, but the characters are swimming in his vision and he’s pretty sure the result is gibberish. Which means it’s over. He’s going to be laid up in bed for weeks, he’s going to fail his finals, and come next semester he’ll have a new class schedule, and he’ll never see Bakugou again. He’s blown it. Romance is dead.

Someone’s knocking on the door. He doesn’t answer it right away—it takes a minute for him to peel the rhythm of the pounding door from the pounding in his head. It takes a minute longer for him to stumble up and open it.

“You look like shit,” says Bakugou. He’s standing there looking like god’s gift to the earth, even scowling, even bundled in hat and scarf and mask, even laden down with groceries. Kirishima is pretty sure he’s hallucinating.

“Well? Are you letting me in or what?”

Kirishima lets him in. Bakugou toes out of his boots and then he plants himself in the middle of the room, jerking his head this way and that, taking it all in: the kitchenette-slash-living room, the card table turned dining table, the clashing red and hot pink interior design. “This place is a shitshow,” he declares. “No roommate?”

“She’s spending Christmas with friends.” More specifically, Mina had left last night with the implication that if Kirishima’s date went well he was free to come back to the apartment. There was a lot of obnoxious winking and innuendos. It was sweet of her, if a little mortifying and inappropriate, and in the end entirely wasted when he woke up with the mother of all migraines.

Bakugou drops the groceries on the table and starts shucking his outerwear. The hat, the scarf, the puffy coat. Kirishima sways in place and watches him. He’s wearing a red button down, and beneath that a black tee with the Punisher logo on it. It’s just a little bit dressier than his everyday attire. Is this what he would have worn on their date? If Kirishima had ever gotten to ask him properly? He sighs, forlorn.

Bakugou turns back to him, and they stare at each other. They keep staring at each other until Bakugou reaches past him to close the door, which was still hanging open over his shoulder. Whoops.

“God damn, you’re out of it. Get back to bed, loser.”

He cuffs him over the head, except it’s less of a cuff and more of a ruffle, exasperated and fond. So Kirishima totters back to bed. Hallucination or not, he’s happy to see Bakugou one last time. 

:

When he wakes up, it’s to the rich, earthy kinds of aromas he associates with home cooking, if not necessarily his home. His first thought is that Mina came home early, but she’s just as useless in the kitchen as he is. So either a burglar broke in to cook for him or he wasn’t having an incredibly vivid fever dream, as he’d previously assumed. Which means Bakugou is really, actually, truly in his home.

The door to his bedroom bangs open while he’s wrestling with the sweat-soaked sheets. Bakugou is armed to the teeth with soup, water, tea, pills, and towel, all laid out and puffing steam on a serving tray that Kirishima doesn’t remember owning. He raises an eyebrow at Kirishima’s ogling and knees him in the side.

“Sit up. You have to eat and rehydrate.”

The tray lands on Kirishima’s lap, and then the water and the pills are pushed into his hands. While he’s downing both, Bakugou makes a sour face at the state of his room, and bustles out to change the bedside wastebasket for a clean bag. Kirishima would be more humiliated if he weren’t so happy to see him at all. 

When Bakugou comes back he’s got a thermometer in one hand and the card table’s folding chair under an arm. He kicks the chair open, spins it around, and slings one leg over the side. He brandishes the thermometer like a weapon of war.

“Open.”

The thermometer jabs under Kirishima’s tongue. He winces only a little, and his voice comes out nasally and muffled and a little wondering. “I can’t believe you’re really real.”

 “What else would I be?” 

“I don’t know, a dream? A near death hallucination?”

Bakugou rolls his eyes. “Shut up until I get your temperature.”

A few seconds later the thermometer chirps. Bakugou snaps it up and glares at it, and then something in his face relaxes.

“Barely a fever. You’ll live, moron.”

Kirishima asks, “How’d you know where I live?”

“Your dumbass coworker said you were sick. I threatened him bodily harm until he gave me your address.” Like it’s so obvious. Which, yeah, maybe it is. Probably Kaminari, who is both susceptible to Bakugou’s intimidation tactics and has been pushing for them to get together. When Bakugou snaps open the damp towel and starts mopping at Kirishima’s sweaty face, grumbling beneath his breath, he decides that he’s grateful. 

For the first time he’s realizing how silly his fever induced fears were. He might be down for the count for a few days, but he won’t miss his finals, even if he might fail them. And even if his schedule falls out of sync with Bakugou’s, it’s not like he’ll be gone forever. They have a mutual friend in Midoriya, as Kirishima learned recently. Or else he could just loiter around the cafe until they learn each other’s new schedules. This doesn’t have to be the end at all. Bakugou proved that by coming here.

“Sorry, Bakugou,” he croaks. “I really wanted to be there with you today. Was looking forward to it all week.” 

Bakugou dismisses him with a roll of his eyes. He folds his arms across the back of the chair and rests his chin on them. “So? What happened?” 

“End of the semester. Bad grades. Finals.” He waves a vague hand to encompass the studying and the stress and the lack of sleep. It probably didn’t help that he ran himself into the ground trying to justify a night off with Bakugou, though he doubts that comes across with his flappy wrist.

“Guess it all caught up to me.” He spoons some soup into his mouth. “Oh my god, this is delicious. You made this?”

“I’m great at everything, obviously.” His mask twists with a frown. “You’re having trouble in school?”

“’M not a genius like you.” 

“It’s not about being a genius, it’s about studying habits. You need someone to quiz you, keep you on task.” A pause, nearly short enough to be casual. “I’ll do it.”

Kirishima lowers the bowl he had been tipping over for the last of the broth. “You?”

“What, you think I can’t? I’ll be the best damn tutor you’ve ever seen, shitty hair.” Another pause. This one is more thoughtful.

“What?” says Kirishima.

Bakugou shakes his head. His voice has dropped to a low rumble in his chest. “Never seen you with your hair down. You should chuck all your gel, it’s not so shitty like this.”

“Didn’t think I’d have company to put it up for. I’d have to flip upside down to do it right, I probably would have passed out and died.”

Bakugou snorts. “You’d think a nurse would take better care of himself.”

Kirishima snorts back, with a little more phlegm. “You’d think a doctor would have better bedside manner.”

All of a sudden Bakugou’s scowl is a little less—scowly, than it usually is. More searching. More intense. Their eyes meet for a second too long and it’s like someone is pouring nitroglycerin down the column of Kirishima’s spine.

“Sounds like you want to know more about my bedside manner.” 

He’s smirking, and there are so many things—so many things—that Kirishima could say to that. Things that would be smart or things that would be manly or things that would be safe. So many things. 

His fever speaks for him. “Well, if you’re offering.”

The smirk falls away and that intensity comes roaring back. Kirishima’s insides ignite. Bakugou rises slowly and doesn’t once blink, and his chair scrapes on the floor, and Kirishima has the thought I hope that doesn’t scratch the wood— 

Then Bakugou is kissing him. The rough weave of his mask and the heat of his mouth behind it, like a brand. His open eyes. His hand cradling the curve of Kirishima’s skull. It’s overwhelming and it’s nothing at all, less of a kiss than a touch, less of a touch than a promise. Kirishima clutches at him because he’ll fall away otherwise, he’s hungry and dizzy and unmoored, and he’s got one hand clenched in Bakugou’s shirt and one in his hair and it’s soft, how is it so soft? His heart lurches in his chest.

No no no, not his heart. “Bakugou, back up, I—oh shit—”

He pulls away and flops over the side of the bed, unable to see if his hail mary aim for the wastebasket came through. Only once he’s done tossing his guts does he register the steadying arm around his shoulders. The hand pushing back his hair. It’s warm and square and dry, with callouses on every finger. 

“You’re disgusting,” Bakugou says from somewhere above him. He sounds like he’s trying not to laugh.

“You’re the one who just kissed a sick man. What does that make you?”

“Magnanimous as fuck.”

Kirishima laughs. It hurts every part of him, but it’s good. It’s really good.

“I really like you, Bakugou. Like a lot.” 

It comes out so easy, just like that day in the cafe. He’s still half upside down and his mouth is still sour. Bakugou’s hand is still in his hair. Through the damp red locks that escape his grip Kirishima can see him, and for the first time since they met, he looks starry-eyed. It is the most amazing feeling in the world, even when Bakugou blinks the stars away and glowers. 

“Is that why you wanted me to come by the cafe today? I already knew that, dipshit.” 

His voice is dismissive and mocking, but his hand is still in Kirishima’s hair, and his collarbones have flooded pink. It’s just like Bakugou to flirt and kiss him within an inch of his life only to get shy about a little sincerity. 

“Yeah. That’s all I wanted to say. I was hoping we could go out and, I don’t know, look at Christmas lights. Bake a cake together. Pelt each other with snowballs or something. I like you a lot.” 

Bakugou helps him sit up. At his urging Kirishima rinses his mouth with water and then sips some of the tea. It’s lemony and sweet.

Bakugou demands, “What took you so long? I don’t like idiots who beat around the bush, Kirishima. Didn’t think you were like that.”

Kirishima. He doesn’t think he ever wants anyone else to say his name. “Yeah, Kaminari said the same thing. But I didn’t want to mess things up with you.”

“So you decided to be a dumbass? How’d that work out for you?”

He mulls it over. “The guy I like is seeing me half dead, so that’s embarrassing. On the other hand, the guy I like is taking care of me while I’m sick, which is pretty sweet. Net gain, I think.” He’s heartened by the amused squint of Bakugou’s eyes. “So? Want to go out with me?”

For a long moment, Bakugou doesn’t say anything. He just watches, steady, intent, and his hand weaves slow, thoughtless paths through Kirishima’s hair. Kirishima has never been in love before, but he thinks this must be it. He can’t imagine anything else hurting quite so sweetly. 

“I’m not dating anyone while I’m still in school,” Bakugou says. “That would be fucking stupid.”

“Okay. After med school is residency, right? You think you’ll be dating then?”

Bakugou’s expression isn’t starry-eyed anymore, but it’s pretty damn close. 

He says, “Stick around and find out.”

:

JANUARY

A new semester means a new schedule, and Kirishima’s does not match up with Bakugou’s even once. It’s a little bit of a bummer, sure, but he’ll survive.

The last customer of the day leaves the cafe two minutes to closing. Kirishima sighs, cracks his neck, and starts prepping the last drink of the day. He sets it on the counter and then he starts wiping down tables, and when the clock strikes the hour, Kaminari goes to lock the doors.

They burst open before he gets there and Kaminari jumps two feet in the air and falls flat on his back. In strides Bakugou, and Kirishima’s heart flutters even as he stands back and cackles at Kaminari for a solid thirty seconds. 

“Kirishima,” Kaminari whines from the floor, “your boyfriend’s being mean to me!”

Bakugou kicks at him. “We’re not dating.” 

“Ha! Sure, and I’m not dating an insomniac with a fine ass—okay okay you’re not dating, quit kicking me!”

He does, but only after Kirishima scolds him and entices him away with a drink. He grabs it off the counter and passes it to Bakugou. Then he snatches it back.

“Forgot the name, just a sec!”

“You already know my name,” Bakugou groans, but he follows Kirishima behind the counter with barely a frown. “Hurry up, shitty hair, I don’t have all night to tutor your ass.”

“Tutor your ass,” Kaminari laughs from the floor. Bakugou growls.

Kirishima finds the marker and uncaps it. Before he can start to write, Bakugou threads their fingers together and squeezes hard.

“I can’t write your name with my left hand, Bakugou.”

Bakugou hooks his chin over Kirishima’s shoulder. “Sounds like a you problem.”

Well, Kirishima likes a challenge. The final result is messy, but legible. He garnishes it with a heart. “Here.”

“Stupid,” Bakugou huffs, but he accepts the cup and takes a swig. Then he yanks Kirishima toward the exit, where Kaminari is finally peeling himself off the floor.

“We’re still on for Saturday, right?” he asks, dusting himself off. “Double--”

“If you say double date, I’ll set you on fire,” says Bakugou. “And only if shitty hair here passes his test with flying colors.”

Kaminari endeavors to look contrite--his face wasn’t really built for it--but when Bakugou’s back is turned, he shoots Kirishima a subtle thumbs up and mouths double date. Kirishima returns the favor.

Out on the street it’s cold and biting. Bakugou hisses, and takes another gulp of his drink. Kirishima watches him glance at the name on the side of the cup again. If he pointed out the color in his cheeks he knows Bakugou would say it was the cold, or the heat of the drink, and then he’d punch him for good measure. But Kirishima can see his smile, hard-won and worth it. He can see how he passes a thumb over the shaky black characters, over and over: Katsuki.

:

[kpopscenario]

are you nervous?

Pairing: Reader x Lee Chan 

Genre: Smut, lowkey fluff??

Word count: 9.5K

Summary: Basically Chan asks out his crush and ends up giving away some power. (Sub!Chan, Dom!Reader)

“I told you that you’d get an A, dumbass”, Seungkwan said as he lightly hit Chan in a playful way but still with a mad expression on his face. Chan was simply staring at the paper in front of him, it was the math’s exam from last week. Chan was always pretty good in math’s, he never really had to learn, he always was able to pick up stuff like that easily so it was no surprise to his friends that he, once again, got the best grade in class, but it sure was surprising to him.

“There must be a mistake…”, he said nervously as he scanned the exam with his eyes. “I was sure that I fucked up this exam badly, how-“,“Oh shut up Chan, you always say shit like ‘oh my god the exam was so hard’ but you always end up with an A.” “But this time it was different!”, I exclaimed after Seungkwan was done with his nagging. He simply rolled his eyes as he held up his exam. “You know who had the right to be worried about this exam? Me, look at this! C-? What is this, I actually thought I’d get like a B, this is discriminating behavior and I’m NOT having it”, he cried out which made Vernon who was sitting next to him chuckle. “You’re still convinced that our math’s teacher hates you?”, he asked Seungkwan who just nodded his head exaggeratingly. “At this point I’m convinced that math’s hates you, not our teacher, she’s literally 62 bro, I don’t think she hates anyone but the menopause…”, Vernon said, which would have normally made me laugh but I  really wasn’t in the mood for laughing at that moment. “I got an A, guys!”, I said devastated as I threw the sheets on my table and threw myself back in the chair, Seungkwan looked at me with a confused expression. “Oh no? That’s so horrible?”, he said with a sarcastic tone in his voice. “Did you forget about the bet?”, Vernon asked Seungkwan which just made me sigh theatrically, it was silent for a few seconds. Seungkwan looked at Vernon, still confused, he was thinking very hard until his whole face suddenly lit up and he excitedly turned towards me. “Oh you’re SO fucked”,” Yeah, no shit.”. Chan closed his eyes and sighed once again as he was remembering last week, how could he be so dumb and naïve? He remembers how he dramatically exited the classroom and how he exclaimed that it was “the worst exam in history of exams”, he also remembers how every single person in his friend group tried to reassure him that he’ll end up with an amazing grade, he could’ve kept his mouth shut but being the perfectionistic guy he is he immediately insisted on him definitely getting anything but an A. Jeonghan immediately took the chance he got and offered Chan that he’d write that huge essay in English literature for him if he actually got anything less than an A. Chan immediately was stretching out his hand towards Jeonghan as he heard the deal. “Have fun writing it.”, he had simply said but Jeonghan just shook his head. “If you get an A you have to confess your crush to y/n… and you have to ask her out!”, that was the moment where Chan should’ve taken his hand back and again, shut his mouth, but instead he took Jeonhan’s hand into his and shook it with determination in his eyes.

“Deal.”

Great, fucking great. As the bell rang, he made his way to the cafeteria with Seungkwan and Vernon who were looking for y/n. Chan just send his quiet prayers, he wasn’t hoping that y/n would go out with him, no, he was praying for a plane to crash into his school and just take him out. Once they arrived at the cafeteria they made their way to their usual place where Jeonghan, Wonwoo and Soonyoung were already sitting and eating. Chan sat down after he greeted them and hoped that maybe Jeonghan forgot about the bet?

“So, what did you get?”, Chan closed his eyes for a few seconds until he finally spoke up. “You know? Everybody deserves a second chance, also, we’re older now! Who cares about stupid ‘bets’? What are we? Sixteen?”, Chan said as he looked at Jeonghan who just raised his eyebrows with amusement in his face. “Oh, you’re so fucked”, he simply said while laughing as he took another bite of his sandwich. “So, when are you gonna ask her out, or how I would put it, when are you gonna embarrass yourself in front of the whole school?”, Wonwoo asked casually which made Chan glare at him. “I won’t embarrass myself in front of the whole school!” “Oh, so you think she’ll say yes?”, Soonyoung suddenly asked. “No, of course not, I’m not delusional, I’ll just ask her when she’s alone so no one can witness the worst five minutes of my life.”, I simply said as I took out my food. “Fair enough.”, Vernon said with a shrug as he took out his food too. They didn’t really open that topic anymore but rather moved on and talked about general stuff like ‘who could fit more sushi in his mouth’ (of course it was Soonyoung, but they just loved discussing dumb things like that.). While everyone was chatting, Chan was lost in his thoughts. He has had an enormous crush on y/n for about two years, more precisely, he has had a crush on y/n since that incident on the school corridor. He remembers how he was new at school and how he neither had any friends nor knew how to get to his classroom, he was pretty lost when suddenly the most beautiful girl he had ever seen appears in front of him and asks him whether he needed help. He remembers how he just nodded his head and stretched out his hand with his schedule in it, too speechless and too shy to get a proper sentence out of his mouth. He remembers how he was just staring at her with big eyes as she was explaining where he would have to go, he also remembers stuttering out a small ‘thank you’ and basically running away into the completely wrong direction and coming late to class, the first day sure was a rollercoaster for Chan. Two years later and here he was, literally staring at her whenever she’d walk by him and blushing furiously whenever she’d look in his direction. Y/N was a pretty popular girl, she had a lot of friends and was invited to basically every party, guys were basically on their knees for her and she was excellent in school, she was also about a year older than Chan and probably completely forgot about his existence, which he was completely fine, if not even happy with. Don’t get him wrong, he imagined it hundreds of times how it would be to go on a date with her and how it would be to feel her hand in his, but he knew that he’d never have the balls to actually ask her out and now he’d suddenly have to throw all of his worries and shyness overboard and just ask her out like that? He was already cringing at himself as he played out different ways of how he could possibly ask her out. Time went by way too fast and Chan had to pack his things again, only Vernon and Seungkwan were by his side as he made his way to his next class. Soonyoung, Wonwoo and Jeonghan were lucky enough to Have lunch for two hours so they just stayed and continued having discussions about life. “Today’s your lucky day, Chan!”, Seungkwan suddenly exclaimed excitedly as he nodded towards a direction. Chan looked at him confusedly, obviously done with his shit as he looked into the direction he was indicating. His heart immediately dropped as he saw y/n standing there in front of her locker. She was about to take some books out and more importantly, she was alone. “She… She seems busy, let’s just go, the week is long-“, “it’s Friday”, “- and I sure will find another day on which I can-“, “Don’t be a pussy Chan, a bet is a bet.”, Seungkwan said which made me glare at him. “I’m not a pussy-“, “Great, then go ask her out.”, Vernon suddenly said as he leaned against the lockers behind him, Seungkwan mimicked his actions and just looked at me with expecting eyes. Chan just stood there in front of them and pressed his lips together, he was waiting for a few seconds to make sure that there really wasn’t a plane crashing into the school. “You know what? I’ll do it.”, “Go on then.”, “No, I mean it, I’ll do it.”, “Great, do it.”, Chan frowned a little as he looked at y/n, his heart started beating faster and he felt that his face was getting hotter and hotter. “… okay maybe I won’t actually do it.”, “Just do it for fucks sake!”, Seungkwan suddenly said as he pushed him into her direction which made Chan look at him with big eyes. Vernon and Seungkwan just indicated that he should finally get his shit together and go to her, which he did, but just really, really slowly. He took small steps towards her and hoped that maybe a friend of hers would come up to her and start having a conversation, but luck wasn’t on his side today. Once he stood behind her he looked at Vernon and Seungkwan once again, he rolled his eyes at the sight of the two guys, they were basically staring, the only thing that was missing was some popcorn for the two of them. Chan then put his attention back to the slightly smaller girl in front of him, his knees were weak and he felt like he might vomit any second due to the nervous feeling in his stomach, it took him seconds which felt like hours to actually raise his hand to lightly tap on her shoulder (he lowkey cringed on the inside when he did that but oh well, it was to late to turn back). Y/N didn’t react immediately, she expected it to be one of her friends but as she finally turned around and looked up, she was surprised to see a not so familiar face. “Oh, hi!”, she said as she looked at him with confusion in her eyes, yet still a smile on her pretty lips. Chan’s eyes widened a little as he had her whole attention on him now, he went through his hair with his hands and tried to calm himself down mentally before he’d actually talk. ‘I can do this, I’m not a pussy, I can talk to her, just say ‘hi I’m Chan, you’re really pretty, wanna go on a date?’ and everything should be alright, right? Easy!’

“Hi, eh… I’m Chan… you probably don’t remember me but you once tried to show me the way to my class like two years ago and that was really nice of you and I lowkey had a big crush on you since then… okay that was a lie… I have a huge crush on you and I lost a stupid bet which led to this conversation we’re having right now, I mean, otherwise I would’ve never talked to you since you’re intimidatingly pretty and I really like the mole you have under your eye and yeah, since I lost I have to ask you out on a date and I know this seems really fucking weird because… well, because it IS really weird and I’m probably embarrassing myself really badly but since I lost the bet I’m here to ask you out on a date, which I already mentioned before, so, can you please end this misery I call life and just tell me that I should fuck off?”. Chan wasn’t looking into her eyes as he was telling her all of that, one hand of his was constantly brushing through his hair while the other one was used to gesticulate or rather emphasize what he was saying. Not only did he say all of those things in a extremely fast pace but he also was a stuttering mess and his voice was shaking, his face probably was as red as a stop sign and he was completely breathless after he was done with his talk since he didn’t take one break throughout his whole ‘speech’.

He didn’t dare to look up into her eyes, he was way too scared of her expression. Would she be amused? Annoyed? Weirded out? All of the above? Chan was mortified and his heart still wasn’t slowing down. After a few seconds of complete silence on both sides he noticed that Y/N closed her locker and leaned against it with her books in her arms, he still didn’t dare to say one word, instead he slowly looked at her with his head still lowered and was surprised. She didn’t look at him in a judging way, neither did she have a disgusted expression on her face, no, she seemed amused but in a good way. “So… you have a huge crush on me, huh?”, she asked and tilted her head slightly, the amused smile didn’t leave her face. Y/N was always a pretty confident person, she enjoyed having people around her that looked at her in the way Chan does, she knew that she already has him wrapped around her finger. Chan just blushed even harder and quickly nodded as he lowered his gaze again. “Cute.”, she simply said and giggled slightly as she pushed her hair back. Chan blushed even more and was about to speak up when she suddenly took a step towards his direction, she now was much closer to him and he held his breath as he looked at her. “.. you know, if you want to take me on a date you have to ask me for my number first..”, she simply said as she looked at him with an innocent look on her face which just made her seem even mire angelic than she already was. Chan just stared at her dumbfounded for a few seconds until he quickly tried to get his phone out of his pocket, still trembling. “Ca-Can I have your number?”, he asked nervously as he looked at her which just made her chuckle, she simply took his phone out of his hands and slightly brushed his fingers which made his heart jump a little once again. She was typing in something and then handed it back to him. “Text me later about the details!”, she simply said while smiling at him, she then checked her watch and noticed that she had to leave if she wanted to be to her class on time, so she got going. “See you later Chan!”, she exclaimed after she winked at him which just made him blush even more if that was possible, he just nodded quickly and waved awkwardly which just made her smile even brighter and then walk away. He just stood there in the middle of the corridor as he watched her leave, he then looked at his phone to see that she had saved her number into it. He couldn’t believe that that just had happened so he just kept staring at his phone until he was suddenly hugged from behind. “You little motherfucker really did it, oh my god, halfway through your speech I thought that she’d run away but then she took your PHONE and gave you her NUMBER, dude, you have a date!”, Seungkwan said way too excitedly as he shook him around, Vernon was just typing in stuff in his phone which later turned out that he texted in the group chat that Chan had a date with Y/N, everyone was going crazy and Chans’ heart still didn’t slow down, instead he suddenly had a big smile on his face and bit his lower lip. “She… She gave me her number…”, he just mumbled and Seungkwan nodded his head. “She did!! She maybe gave you a fake number though… which I doubt, you should definitely text her though.”, “Really? I thought I’d just keep her number as a souvenir.”, Chan dryly said with a smirk on his lips. “Hey, don’t be so cocky, literally 40 seconds ago you were a blushy, stuttering mess.”, “Still got her number though.”, he just said with a shrug and then made his way to his next class, mind you that the big smile didn’t leave his face once throughout the rest of the day.

During his classes in the afternoon he wasn’t able to focus whatsoever, the only thing on his mind was Y/N, he was thinking about what to text her, where to take her, what to say, he was thinking through every possibility and got a shaky heart as he was doing so. After his classes were over he quickly made his way home with Vernon and Seungkwan who were loudly nagging about how fast he was walking and about how he should calm down, Chan didn’t even properly listen nor care, he just wanted to get home and text y/n finally, so he did. Once he said goodbye to his friends he quickly changed into more comfortable clothes and sat down on his bed. His roommates Jeonghan and Soonyoung still weren’t home so he was able to calm down first before going on imessage to type out his message to Y/N, he really didn’t need two guys beside him asking him about every detail and telling him which emojis to use and not to use, that would only make him even more nervous than he already was. He thought about maybe not texting her yet though, he was scared that he might seem too eager, but he never really was that much of a patient person so he decided to text her then and there. ‘I mean… if my awkward speech didn’t scare her off, nothing will’ he told himself as he typed out the message.

‘Hi, this is Chan, that awkward guy that asked you out haha… yeah let’s please never talk about that again, I just wanted to ask you when you’re free?”

He read over his message about 30 times until he finally sent it and immediately threw his phone away like it suddenly gave him a shock. He then stood up and walked around in his room to find something that would distract him. His hands were a little shaky and his heart was pounding. He was about to start gaming a little when suddenly he heard his phone vibrating, in an immense speed he was back on his bed and opened his phone so he could read the notification.

‘Hi! (: tbh, I’m basically free all the time, what about tonight?’

Chan looked at the message for a few minutes and then took a deep breath. ‘That’s way too soon, I’m not ready, this goes to fast, I need to mentally and physically prepare myself, I can’t just meet her tonight’, he thought to himself as he typed out a message,

‘Yeah sure! Whenever you want haha! Uh… well, what do you wanna do?’

Chan closed his eyes for a few seconds and sighed audibly. ‘Wow, well done’. He didn’t have enough time to actually get up again and turn on his TV since his phone vibrated again a few seconds after, he wanted to act cool and not open it immediately but he just couldn’t help it and opened the message immediately (which may or may not have made y/n giggle slightly).

‘So eager… well, apparently, it’ll rain tonight, but what about meeting at mine, we could cook and watch a movie? (:”

And that’s the point where Chan froze for a few seconds, he read through that message again and again to make sure that he didn’t misunderstand or misread anything. His crush of two years just invited him over to cook and watch a movie, this either was a really realistic dream or she was just messing with him, there was no logical explanation for it.

‘yeah, sre, Imean, why not, I lvoe food and movies nd like, youknow, not being n the rain, yeah thatss totally fine… sure! Arsjnd what time shodcd I come? Shossduld I bring somdjcing<’

He sent the text way too fast and once again cringed over the mistakes he made due to his way too shaky fingers. He was on the verge of having a heart attack, if you’d feel his pulse, you’d think that he had been sprinting for hours. Y/N on the other side was at home casually going through her Instagram feed and waiting for his answers, she was glad that he wasn’t that kind of guy that wouldn’t reply for hours just to seem more ‘interesting’, she enjoyed talking to someone who replied fast and was eager to talk to her, she would be lying if she said that this whole situation didn’t amuse her. She was already really soft for this boy and just had to smile whenever she thought about the situation in the hallway today. She didn’t expect someone to confess their feelings to her, or at least not in such an adorable way. Not only did she think that he was probably the most adorable little guy on earth, she also was weirdly attracted to him, just everything about him spoke to her on a different level and she really wanted to get to know him better. Once Chan texted back a little slower than usual, she read through his text and chuckled softly at the typos in his text, poor boy probably got really nervous when she offered him to hang out at hers.

‘I think I’ve got everything.. I’ll text you my address, be here around 7 maybe?’

She sent the text and smiled at the fast response she got.

‘Sure! Sounds perfect! I’ll be there!’

Y/N looked at the time which showed her that she had around three hours to get ready, so she stood up and went to take a shower and later on cleaned up a little, Chan on the other side was going crazy. He immediately went to take a shower to calm down his nerves which actually made it worse since he had no distraction and too much time to think about what could possibly go wrong so he quickly got out of the shower again and dried himself off while thinking about what he should wear. He opened the doors of his closet and looked through every single piece of clothing he had. Should he wear a shirt? A t-shirt? Black jeans? Denim Jeans? Trainers? He was stressing himself way too much, he didn’t even notice when Soonyoung came home and got into his room until he spoke up and scared Chan to death. “So, you’re going on a date?”, “Oh my god you scared me so much.”, Chan simply said and completely ignored his question. “Oh, sorry, so, you’re going on a date?”, “No I’m stressing about what to wear at home because I wanna look good for you hyung.”, he answered with a way too sarcastic tone in his voice which made Soonyoung laugh who was currently sitting on Chans’ bed. “Wow, that’s really cute of you.”, he replied, and Chan once again ignored him. “Shirt or t-shirt?”, Chan asked as he turned to Soonyoung who just raised his eyebrows. “You were ignoring my questions but expect me to answer YOURS?”, “Yes.”, “… t-shirt, a shirt is too formal.”, Soonyoung simply replied and Chan nodded as he took out a gray t-shirt. “Really? That one?”, Soonyoung asked suddenly which made Chan look at him with big eyes. “What? Why? Does it look weird?”, “I don’t know… try the black one”, Soonyoung replied as he watched Chan getting dressed, he had a weird fatherly moment as he was watching him, he felt like he raised this child and suddenly he’d go on a date and do adult stuff? “Better?”, Chan suddenly asked and made Soonyoung look up at him. “Yeah, casual but not too casual! Wait are you guys gonna go out to eat or?”, “She… she invited me over.”, Chan said with a little blush on his cheeks which made Soonyoung chuckle. “Damn, you know what that means…”, “No, it’s just cooking and eating and watching a movie, nothing more, nothing less.”, Chan exclaimed which made Soonyoung laugh even more. “Alright, wanna bet on it again?”, “… no, I’ll never bet on anything again.”, Chan shyly replied as he looked through his trousers. Soonyoung simply stood up and made his way to the door to go to the kitchen to get some food. “Go for some gray sweatpants, they’re easier to get off.”, he simply said before leaving the room which made Chan blush even harder. “We will not- whatever…”, he simply said as he looked at the gray sweatpants in front of him, he decided to put them on, not because of the reasoning that was stated by Soonyoung, but because they would be at hers’ so sweatpants would be more comfortable. It was only 5:30 pm when he was done with getting ready, so he decided to go to the living room and just watch Soonyoung play some stupid game. After a while he decided to play against him, and he never sucked this badly at any videogame ever. “Wow… you’re really nervous, huh?”, Soonyoung simply stated which made Chan roll his eyes. “No… maybe a little bit…”, “Are you gonna buy her something?”, Soonyoung asked casually as he took a sip of his soda. “I don’t know… maybe… should I?”, Chan asked nervously which made Soonyoung laugh. “Okay, you’re really damn nervous… maybe buy her some chocolate?”, “You mean those 20 dollar big packs of chocolate?”, “I love your enthusiasm but think a little smaller maybe…”, Soonyoung said amused as he started a new game (Soonyoung won 13:0 and he has never been more proud in his life.). Chan was happy that he got some distraction, the next time he looked at the time it was already 6:30 pm so he stood up and got ready by checking himself out for a long time and fixing every single streak of hair. He then got his phone, wallet, said bye to Soonyoung and promised him to ‘not do something he wouldn’t do’ (which was basically giving him permission to do EVERYTHING, Sooynoung really was a wild one) and with that he left the small apartment and got his bike. On his way to y/n he only stopped by some store to get pralines for her, at exactly 6:59 pm he was in front of her apartment complex and took a deep breath. He tried to calm himself down before ringing the bell and just told himself that it couldn’t be that bad. After a few seconds he was able to open the door and get inside the building. He slowly made his way to the elevator and pressed the button to get to the 6th floor where Y/Ns’ apartment was. He was sure that he has never been as nervous in his life as he was when he was standing in front of her door. ‘There’s no turning back now’, he though to himself as he took a deep breath one last time until he lightly knocked on the door. He heard steps coming closer and closer and his heart beating faster and faster until the door was suddenly opened and y/n was standing in front of him with a big sweatshirt which reached to the middle of her thighs and which would’ve made her look even prettier and softer than usual, but since it seemed like she only wore shorts under that sweatshirt it only made her appear even hotter. “Hi Chan! You’re right on time!”, she immediately said with a big smile as she pulled him inside the apartment where it was definitely warmer than outside. “Ah… yeah, you know it’s… I like to be on time and not let people wait for.. you know, me and just.. yeah uh… hi.”, Chan was tripping over his words as he was trying to form a proper sentence without sounding like a complete idiot. “That’s good! I hate it when people make me wait.”, she simply replied as she waited for him to take off his shoes and jacket. Chan quickly got out of his shoes and neatly placed them on the floor where y/ns’ shoes were, he then took off his jacket and hoped that she wouldn’t notice that he was shaking. “Oh, you’re cold?”, she suddenly asked as she was looking at him with big eyes, he quickly looked up to her after he had hung up his jacket and then just shook his head. “Ah, yeah no just… a little but it’s pretty warm in here so that’s good… oh I uh, I also got those for you..”, he pulled out the box filled with chocolate and blushed lightly as he saw how a smile was formed on her lips. “That’s adorable, thank you so much.”, she said and took the box from his hands, she then turned around and walked towards a room which seemed to be the living room, she indicated him to follow her which he immediately did. “Feel like at home.”, he arrived in the living room and looked around a little. The place was pretty clean and rather small which made it seem homier. There were lots of pictures on the wall of people he had never seen and of y/n, he liked it there a lot, it already made him feel less nervous which was good, since he felt like his heart might have exploded any second. “It’s pretty here…”, Chan quietly said and had a little smile on his face because he finally was able to say something without stuttering, he was proud of himself. “Oh, thank you! It honestly is a mess, but I try to, you know, make it work.”, she said as she entered the living room where Chan was still standing. “I thought we could cook kimchi fried rice?”, she suggested, and Chan just nodded his head, she could’ve said anything, and he would’ve been alright with it. “Sure!”, he exclaimed and followed her to the kitchen, which was rather small though it was alright for two people to be in it but it seemed like it would be hard to fit in more than three people. “I’ll prepare the rice, are you okay with cutting the kimchi?”, “Sure!”, he immediately replied as he got closer to her and took some of the kimchi which made her smile. “Cute…”, she just mumbled under her breath which made Chan nearly drop the kimchi. She just giggled as she watched his face heating up once again. “You sure do blush really easily, huh?”, she asked with a smirk as she got a pot. Chan just scratched his neck awkwardly as he nodded. “I guess you have that effect on me.”, he simply stated quietly which made her smile at him knowingly. “Good to know.”, she said as she filled up the pot with water, Chan just looked at her with big eyes, not really knowing what to do. Y/n noticed that after a while and gave him a pair of scissors, accidentally touching his hand a little longer than expected which made his heart jump lightly, her hand was warm and soft and he wondered what it would be like to hold her hand. “The kimchi won’t cut its’ self”, she stated which tore Chan out of his thoughts who quickly started cutting the kimchi. While the rice was cooking, they were able to finally get into a proper conversation and it went much better than Chan expected. He blushed a little here and there and some stutters were showing up but overall, he did a great job in not making a fool of himself, he even made her laugh a couple of times which was a huge deal for him. They were pretty involved in the conversation and completely forgot about the rice until the water overflew and made a huge mess, but they didn’t take it too seriously but rather laughed it off. “I guess you should focus better…”, Chan said jokingly as he helped her clean up. “I guess you just distract me.”, she said with her eyebrows raised while looking at Chan who was speechless and with a dumbfounded expression on his face. “But I forgive you…”, she quickly added while giggling and made her way to the sink, the thing is that she had to pass Chan to do so which resulted into them being way too close for some seconds. Y/n used the opportunity to just smile at him but Chan immediately looked away and tried to not focus on how close she was and on how pretty she looked up close.

“Do I make you nervous Chan?”, she didn’t ask that question in a seductive way, nor did she even look at him while asking, the way she asked that question was like you’d ask about the weather, it seemed like such an innocent question but the smile on her face gave it away. Chan just bit his lip as his heart was beating faster again, he was struggling to find the right words until Y/n had to pass him again to get to the stove where she’d combine the ingredients to finish up the fried rice. She passed him again, but this time a little slower, she even stopped right in front of him and tilted her head slightly, exposing her neck to him ‘accidentally’. Chan just stared at her eyes and lips, not able to form a sentence, his head was basically blank, the only thing he could think of was his lips on her neck. Before he could properly calm down, she passed him though and continued cooking. “I take that as a yes.”, she said with an amused expression on her face. Chan tried to calm himself down a little as he went through his hair a few times, he really didn’t expect her to have this power over him. It took her six words to make his heart and head go crazy, he didn’t know what would happen if she actually chose to touch him properly, even the thought of it made his cheeks blush even harder. “Let’s eat, I’m so hungry!”, Y/N exclaimed happily like nothing happened and took the two plates while Chan grabbed two glasses for them and made his way to the living room where they’d be eating while watching a movie they had chosen before, it was some thriller which sounded interesting but no matter how hard Chan tried, he just wasn’t able to focus on the movie whatsoever. Y/N seemed pretty involved in the movie and didn’t seem like she was affected by Chan, little did he know that he was the only thing she was thinking of. She loved teasing him, she loved his reactions, the way he blushed and shyly looked at her like she was the prettiest person on earth, she loved the power she had over him and she enjoyed every second of it. “The food was-was really good!”, Chan said after he had finished his plate which made Y/n smile slightly and turn to him. “We’re a good team.”, she said and finished her food too, she took the plates and put them into the dish washer, luckily they had already cleaned up most of the kitchen so she didn’t have to care too much about that. Once she was back, she didn’t sit on her usual place, much to Chan’s surprise she sat down right next to him which made him tense up a little. He only had to move a little bit and their legs would be touching, her hand was right next to his leg but not touching him in any way but that was enough for him to stare at her hand for a few seconds, wondering if she’d actually touch him or not. Y/n noticed his stare but chose to act like she didn’t know, she kept on watching the movie as she pushed her hair back, her sweater slipped a little which now meant that her shoulder and neck was exposed. Chan quickly looked away and failed at calming down his poor heart, ‘does she know what she’s doing to me?’, he asked himself as he once again tried to focus on the movie, he even succeeded on focusing for a little until he suddenly felt y/ns’ warm hand on his thigh, right above his knee. He tensed up even more and had a hard time breathing. Y/n was simply enjoying that whole situation, she knew what she was doing. She didn’t really go up with her hand yet, she just let it rest there and bit her lip as she felt the muscles and imagined what it would be like to sit on his lap. She licked over her lips as she started caressing his thigh a little, still with her eyes glued to the TV. Chan was going crazy in the meantime, the only thing he could do was watching her hand helplessly and breathing a little harder, he was about to speak up when she suddenly took her hand away to grab her glass like nothing had happened, which nearly made Chan let out a disappointed sigh. He pouted a little as he stared at the tv. “Already so needy?”, Y/n suddenly asked as she turned her head to look at Chan with her eyebrows raised, Chan’s heart skipped a beat as he looked at her with big eyes. He looked like a lost puppy which made y/n bite her lip as she put down her glass again. “Look Chan, I need you to answer my question…”, she said as she turned her whole body towards him, Chan just helplessly stared at her and opened his mouth and closed it right after. She giggled softly as she leaned over his lap to reach for the remote, her sweater slipped up a little and exposed her shorts, Chan couldn’t help it but stare at her, he blushed when he noticed that he was already a little hard, he immediately looked away from her. Y/n put the movie on pause and sat back up still looking at Chan who was avoiding her stare. “Fine.”, she suddenly said, Chan frowned a little until he suddenly felt her legs on each side of his legs and her face facing him, she was sitting on his lap and put her hands on his shoulder close to his neck. Chan breathed in shakily and didn’t even dare to look at her, let alone touch her. His heart was racing. He suddenly felt two warm fingers under his chin which softly indicated him to look at the beautiful devil in front of him. “Look at me…”, she whispered softly, and he did. He looked at her with big eyes and a little pout, obviously overwhelmed with the situation, y/n simply put on a smile on her face as she softly traced a visible vein on his neck with her thumb which made Chan shiver softly. “You’re really pretty when you’re needy.”, she whispered after leaning in slightly. Their lips were really close, Chan would only have to lean in for their lips to touch, but instead he was just staring at her lips, waiting for her to kiss him, but she didn’t, instead she had a big grin on her face and just looked at him expectedly. “Do you want to kiss me?”, she asked innocently and giggled softly at the eager nod she received. “Then why don’t you ask?”, Chan looked into her eyes shyly and back to her lips. “Can… can I-I kiss you?”, he asked with a shaky voice and a blushy face. Y/n just nodded slightly and in no seconds, she felt his lips on hers. Chans’ heart was beating fast and his stomach was going crazy, the skin under her fingers was tingling he was ready to do anything she wanted. The kiss was soft at first, he was shyly moving his lips against hers, it wasn’t the first time he had kissed a girl, but he had never felt this way before, he was basically burning. The kiss started getting more and more heated and their tongues were fighting for dominance, none of them were surprised at the outcome, Y/N had the power over the situation, she decided what would happen next. While they were kissing, he felt her hands on his’, she took his hands and gently placed them on her own hips, allowing him to touch her. Once his hands were on her hips he let out a muffled moan which made her smile against his lips. She suddenly leaned back a little causing their lips to part which made Chan whine softly and stare at her with a pout which had a huge effect on her, she definitely could get used to his whines and red lips and the desperate expression on his face. “P-please…”, he suddenly said desperately as he tried to kiss her once again which only made her giggle softly and distance herself a little more so he couldn’t kiss her. “No, no, no baby… that’s not how it works…”, she simply said as she leaned in and started kissing his neck softly which made him tilt his head slightly so she could kiss him better, Chan had a hard time repressing his moans under her, he was biting his lip and basically clinging to her, her lips on his neck were making him go crazy, so it was no surprise that Chan pouted even more when she stopped again. “Look baby, I want to hear the pretty sounds you make so don’t even think about repressing them.”, she sternly whispered into his ear which made shivers go down his spine as he eagerly nodded. “Y-yes, sorry I’m-“, he was interrupted by her lips on his neck once again, this time biting the soft skin softly and sucking on the red skin which quickly turned into a pretty little mark, in the meantime Chan was desperately trying to get some friction, just some touch, something to satisfy him, but she didn’t let him move one inch. She simply shook her head whenever he would try. “Such a needy boy…”, she would simply say. Chan was desperate for touch, his hands weren’t resting still anymore, his hands were desperately caressing her hips, trying to somehow pull off her sweater which made her chuckle. “No baby, you have to ask first.”, she simply said after distancing herself again and staring at him. “Can I-can I please take off you-your sweater? Please?”, he’d say with a big pout and whiny voice which would only cause her to get wetter. “You can take off my sweater baby.”, she softly said and giggled at how eagerly he obeyed, he immediately grabbed her sweater with shaky hands and pulled it off, leaving her with her shorts and bra only. Chan stared at her in awe as if she was the prettiest person on earth, y/n bit her lip as she pushed her hair back to fully expose herself. “Let’s go to my room.”, she suddenly said, this time with a shaky voice too, Chan just nodded and followed her with shaky legs as they went into her room. Once they arrived y/n simply pushed Chan towards the bed where he immediately sat down and stared up to her. “Get your shirt off.”, she demanded to which he immediately obeyed, he struggled a little to get his shirt off, he was way too shaky and aroused to think properly which made her smile softly but once he had his shirt off she came closer and looked down at him. “Such a pretty boy…”, she said and sat down on his lap once again, but this time she moved up a little and bit her lip as she felt his hard member through his sweatpants. Chan blushed furiously as a small moan left his lips due to the friction. “Already so hard for me, huh?”, she asked teasingly as she started to move her hips against his which only caused him to moan even more. She kept on doing that until she felt him desperately moving against her too, she immediately stopped her movements and just shook her head. “What did I say before? Good boys ask before they do something, and you’re a good boy right?”, she asked as she stood up in front of him to get her shorts off, now standing there with only her black lace underwear covering parts of her body. Chan whined softly at the words and the sight in front of him, he eagerly nodded after a while as he was staring at her with teary eyes. “Y-yes, I’m a good boy, please I’m-“, “Please what baby?”, she asked as she pushed him, indicating him to lay down properly on the bed. “Please let me-let me touch you? Please I’m- can I please make you feel good? Please, I’ll be a good boy.”, he desperately said as he stared up to her with a big pout and big eyes, she licked over her lips as she sat down onto the bed, at this point she was dripping wet and desperate for touch too, so she nodded quickly and laid down where Chan was laying before, he was now on top of her and really close to her lips. “Can-Can I kiss you? Please?”, he asked with a shaky voice to which y/n only replied with a nod, the kiss was rather harsh and fast, she basically felt how needy he was. His hands were all over her and he was whining against her lips. Once their lips parted he immediately started kissing her neck softly while her hands were in his hair guiding him down, he immediately obeyed and kissed down her neck, to her collarbone and then over her stomach to her panties. Y/N bit her lip as he went in between her thighs to kiss and caress them, she sighed softly as he was kissing her everywhere but never there where she actually wanted it, Chan used his position on top of her to finally do what she had been doing for the past 30 minutes, he was teasing her but little did he know that she was still in charge of the situation. “Don’t tease.”, she suddenly said while looking down at him really sternly, he immediately got goosebumps as he eagerly nodded his head. “Can I please… get your panties off?”, he asked pleadingly, she just nodded her head as she lifted up the bottom part of her body so he could undress her properly which he immediately did. She chuckled a little at the sight. “Such a needy boy…”, she said as she guided his head in between her legs. Once his lips were on her private parts, she threw her head back and closed her eyes, she whined softly when she felt that Chan was moaning against her lips. Chan was eager to please her and immediately started pleasing her, whenever he would get a praise he’d just whine softly and try even harder to make her cum but before that could happen she pulled on his hair indicating him to come up to her and kiss her which he eagerly did. The kiss was harsh, a lot of sucking and biting, Chan was a moaning mess once she turned them around and was over him kissing him demandingly. She was pulling on his hair and straddling his lap, she was pressing their hips together and muffled his sounds with her lips. “Such a good boy…”, she’d whisper in between kisses to which Chan would nod his head eagerly. Once she instructed him to get off his sweat pants he did it immediately and exposed himself, whining due to the sudden coldness hitting his hot member. Y/n got off her bra slowly as she stared into his eyes, Chan stared and sighed softly. “Fuck… you’re so beautiful…”, he whispered which would only make her smirk and reach down. Once she was palming him over his underwear he was closing his eyes and moaning softly due to the friction, the view was incredible. Chans’ hair was a mess, his lips were red and swollen and his neck was covered in marks she had left, he was desperately trying to touch her and pushing against her hand to get more pleasure but she just took her hand away from his member and took his hands. “I want you to keep your hands over your head like this the whole time. Don’t even dare to do anything unless I tell you to.”, she stated which made Chan whine loudly and nod, he immediately put his hands behind his head and breathed in shakily as she continued to palm him over his underwear. “Now tell me baby, what do you want.”, she asked as she slowly pulled down his underwear to fully expose his hard member. “Please I- just…”, Chan couldn’t form a proper sentence, he was basically begging for more friction and some pleasure. “Please what baby?”, she teasingly said as she started stroking his member slowly and softly which wasn’t enough for Chan who was desperately whining under her touch. “Y/N, please can I- can I fuck you? Please I-I’ve been a good boy please…”, y/n chuckled softly at his words and started adding more pressure to her touch and going a little faster which caused him to moan a little louder. “Is that so?”, “Yes! Please, I’ll fuck you good, I promise just, please can I? Please?”, he was begging at this point and y/n loved every second of it. He was a moaning desperate little mess under her. She started stroking him harder and faster which made him whine and hold on to the bedframe behind him, he really wanted to touch her, to claim her, he just wanted to cum. She kept on going like that for a while until she realized that he was about to cum, right at that moment she simply stopped, but still had his member in her hand, Chan whined loudly and was about to push into her hand when she took it away completely. “You’re only gonna cum with my permission, do you understand?”, she asked harshly as she sat down right onto his dick and rubbed herself on it which made him moan out her name and nod eagerly. “Good boy.”, she moaned softly as she reached to the drawer to get out a condom. Chan bit his lip as he looked at her getting the condom out and slipping it on his dick which made him whimper softly. “Say it again, beg for it.”, she demanded which made Chan whimper. “Please let me fuck you, please I’ll be your good boy, please, please, please let me make you feel good, I’ll be good I promise.”, he desperately said which made her bite her lip as she positioned his dick so it could slip inside of her. She moaned softly as she sat down and took half of his member, Chan threw his head back as he softly whined, he was a moaning mess once his whole member was inside of her. She didn’t move at first, she wanted to see if he’d obey to her, she wanted to see if he’d move without her permission, which he didn’t, so she pushed herself up and sat down again, slowly fucking herself on his dick. “Please y/n, can I- can I please touch you? Please?”, he begged under her as she kept going, still incredibly slow. It took her all her willpower to not just fuck herself on him properly, she wanted him to suffer. “Not yet baby boy”, she simply said as she started to go a little faster, she was holding onto his shoulders to get a grip as she was moving up and down, positioning herself on him in a way which would bring her the most pleasure, meanwhile Chan was a whimpering mess, begging her to finally go harder. After a while she couldn’t take it anymore so she started to fuck herself onto him even faster and harder than before, softly moaning his name whenever he’d hit the right spot, whenever she’d feel him get closer to cuming she’d slow down again and earn disappointed whimpers which only made her go harder after. Suddenly she let his dick slip out of her completely which made Chan nearly cry due to the loss of friction. He pushed his hips into the air, desperately looking for some friction. Y/N got off him and laid down with her legs spread looking at Chan. “Fuck me. Now.”, she harshly said which made Chan whimper and get in between her legs shakily. His heart was pounding and all he could think of was y/n and how badly he wanted to cum, so he obeyed and didn’t waste any seconds to push right into her. He started fucking her at a slow pace at first which only caused y/n to pull on his hair and demand to go faster if he wanted to cum that night, being the good boy he was, he started fucking her faster and harder. The room was filled with Chan’s whimpers, y/n’s moans and the slapping wet sound of Chan fucking into her hard and fast. “Please, p-please can I cum? Please?”, he begged loudly as he was kissing her neck harshly while fucking into her even faster. “You have to make me cum too if you want to cum.”, she simply stated as she pulled his hair to finally get to kiss him again and moan against his lips. Chan shakily reached down with one hand and started rubbing her in between her legs while he was still fucking her, the sweet moans of y/n only made him even hornier and he immediately came after she gave him the permission to do so, moaning out ‘thank yous’ and her name while he was uncontrollably fucking her, she immediately came after he did and moaned his name and praised him over and over again. After a few minutes Chan was trying to catch his breath and laid on top of her, too exhausted to move which would make her giggle softly. “You have to get off me for a second baby…”, she simply said which made him pout and whimper softly, but he obeyed and pulled his soft member out of her and laid down next to her. He threw the condom away into the trashcan next to her bed and then looked at her with big eyes as she stood up. “Where-Where are you going?”, he asked, still in his sub mode and depending on her, once she noticed that she softly patted his hair and smiled at him. “I’ll just get some towels to clean us up and some water, don’t worry, I’ll be right back.”, she softly said and kissed his cheek as she made her way to the kitchen after putting on her underwear and a big shirt. She quickly grabbed everything she needed and made her way to the bedroom where Chan was waiting for her to come back, her heart trembled slightly due to his face lighting up once she entered the room, she definitely was whipped for him. “Here baby, drink some water okay?”, she softly said as she was cleaning him up carefully, he obeyed and drank the whole glass of water in one go. She then handed him his underwear and t-shirt so he’d feel more comfortable but he took it the wrong way and looked at her with big sad eyes. “You… you want me to leave?”, he asked with a voice which nearly made her tear up, he sounded so hurt and sad. She immediately shook her head and sat down next to him and pulled him into her arms. “No baby, you can sleep here… maybe we should get some breakfast together tomorrow?”, she asked which made Chan smile brightly and nod his head exhaustedly. They continued talking for a little until he couldn’t keep his eyes open anymore and slept in with her pretty voice whispering sweet nothings into his ear.

“So, how was it?”, was the first question that was asked once he entered his shared apartment. His whole friend group was sitting in the living room, staring at him and just waiting for a detailed answer. “Well… let’s just say that I should definitely lose more bets”, he simply said as he sat down next to Soonyoung with the biggest smirk ever. “You lucky bastard.”, Seungkwan said after a while which made him laugh and nod, he indeed was a lucky bastard.

[mcrmadness]

I just realized that my “they are no longer your friend(s), do you understand???” thoughts are actually intrusive thoughts.

INTRUSIVE THOUGHT TRIGGER WARNING ->

They work the exact same way as my newest set of intrusive thoughts that I just lately figured are intrusive thoughts. Every time I put something in the bio waste container and I’m extremely repulsed by any kind of bio waste and my brain goes like “what if we ate that?”

Or the fact I’m a teetotaler and I don’t drink any alcohol and have never done that and have never ever even wanted to, but then there’s a bottle on my parents’ table and suddenly my brain goes like “what if we drank that?” when I don’t even want to do that.

It has something to do with the fact I have been afraid of snapping (got my first intrusive thoughts at the age of 16 or 17) and doing something terrible... oh yeah, now I just remembered one very recent intrusive thought that included a desire of physically hurting myself. It gave me so much anxiety because I don’t want to do anything to myself, and then it was again triggered by an image I saw in a video game. So yeah, it’s connected to this awe that we, in fact, are cabable of just anything if we want. But there’s something stopping us from doing those things. And it’s so scary to think about that.

This is why I play video games because I can jump from the rooftops, I can look in other people’s houses, I can speed with a car and not follow any laws, I can do so many illegal things and things that would hurt me or other people if I did those in real life and it feels good in video games because it’s not real. So what prevents us from doing those in real life too? I have no idea but the core of my intrusive thoughts is “I have chosen not to drink alcohol but I also could choose to start drinking but I don’t know why would I want to do something like that in the first place”. It’s so weird because I know very well I don’t want to do that but there’s literally nothing but me and myself stopping me from doing that. And somehow I’m able to follow that decision.

I have also started to have my old so-called “sexual intrusive thoughts” back. Or in my case I’d call them as “romantic intrusive thoughts” as they mainly just are a scenario of me “snapping and randomly kissing someone inappropriate”. I am extremely repulsed by them and they make me really uncomfortable and I don’t want to think about them but they still somehow pop-up to my mind when I least expect them to. I had a long pause from these, they were quite strong back then when I had just found about the terms asexual and aromantic and was still looking for myself. I think I also had them quite a lot when I quit antidepressants in 2013 as the quitting symptoms really fucked up with my brain.

I think I can also put it under intrusive thoughts that since my teens I have always had delusions of people having a crush on me (always people I have interacted with, and it’s even worse if I have befriended them). So much so that I have sometimes been so convinced of someone’s crush it has made me extremely uncomfortable because being around them made me have nothing but these intrusive pop-up scenarios in my head about them suddenly blurting everything out. It literally feels like a reverse crush. Because I’m aroace, I haven’t had a real crush since I was 16 or maybe never, I don’t know if those were crushes of just hyperfixations because no one ever told me that something like asexuality or aromanticism exist until I stumbled upon the term online when I was 17. But even today I sometimes find it difficult to just... exist because if my brain slips into that mode where it thinks that someone has a crush on me, it literally starts obsessing with it and I feel like I’d put on some grey, stained glasses and I stop seeing clearly because I just have this intrusive-thought colored curtain in front of me. It’s really annoying and I feel like it affect my friendships with these people because in the worst case scenario I start to avoid the company of these people because the more I spend time (talking) with them, the stronger the intrusive through grows. And it literally makes me delusional. I don’t see what is real anymore. I have had this a couple of times when I was a teenager and never again. It feels terrible, like a slap on the face when someone says they need to ask something and my brain has prepared itself for a “love declaration” and then the person asks for something normal like “can I borrow a pen?” and I realize that my brain was in that delusional mode once again.

I think this might be yet another reason for why I try not to get attached to other people and why I try to keep distance, why I avoid saying too positive things and why I shy away when others do that to me. I’m just afraid of getting friendships to that level where my brain’s delusion mode is activated. But it also works to the other direction and is probably a more common phenomenon than a delusion of someone having a crush on you. It’s the old good “they hate me”. It’s a bit different feeling from the regular “everyone hates me” - this is a way more personal. I have had friends who I have lost because I was convinved they hate me and didn’t want me around anymore. I am actually still in confusion whenever I think about these cases because I still to this day don’t know what happened. I still did not know who to trust there and I still don’t know who I should have trusted. I could not trust my own yes nor my mind, nor the people involved. I could not trust anybody. It sometimes bothers me because everyone told me that no one is leaving you out but whenever I was around them, that was exactly what I was feeling like. And I’d want to know so badly what was the case, did they lie or was I just so delusional I turned them against me in my head and believed what my “intuition” said? That’s a question I’ll never find an answer to because it happened 10 years ago and I haven’t talked to those people ever since.

[mittensmorgul]

5.11, Sam, Interrupted. Right on the heels of seeing their roles in the story from an outside perspective, we shift in the complete opposite direction, into a deep internal perspective.

Still, there's a primary manipulative force. Only it's manipulating them from the inside instead of from the outside. And Sam and Dean "pretend" to be insane to get themselves admitted to a psych hospital believing they're actually in control the entire time, when they were basically screwed and being manipulated from the moment they had their intake exams...

Hello, wraith!

(heh, and the creature I took my AO3 handle from, so maybe this gives folks some insight as to why I chose that name now... manipulating TFW and readers from the inside since 2015... my new catch phrase I guess?)

They're Sam and Dean get admitted for telling the absolute truth, about the apocalypse, monsters, angels, demons.

SAM: Okay. Look...um...last few weeks, you've kind of been worrying me. DEAN: (rolls his eyes) Oh, come on, Sam. Stop. Look, just because we're in the loony bin doesn't give you the right to head-shrink me. SAM: Dean-- DEAN: Ellen and Jo dying--Yeah, it was a friggin' tragedy, okay? But I'm not gonna wallow in it. SAM: Dean, you always do this. You can't just keep this crap in. DEAN: (chuckles) Watch me.

Yeahhhhhhh... that won't lead to problems down the line... I mean, we've talked for years about Dean's chats with his psychiatrist, who turns out to be entirely a hallucination on his part, and just how flippant he is about his own problems, so I probably don't need to dwell on that here. Or on the fact that this is a Dabb episode, wherein it's made completely obvious that the doctor who tries to separate Dean and Sam for their own good, because they're "dangerously codependent" is thought for a good while to be the monster, partly because of that assessment... when like... he was completely innocent and literally just doing his job pointing out the obvious. Their codependence has broken the world how many times now? Yeah... they definitely really could do with some time apart.

(throws up in my mouth a little bit thinking about the conversation I accidentally got myself wrapped up in a week or two ago with people who were upset at the thought that Sam and Dean wouldn't end up sharing a heaven and like.... hoooooly fuck we see this show from very different perspectives...)

Meanwhile, some of the narrative manipulation can be summed up quite tidily through some of their interactions with other patients:

--the girl who wanders the halls randomly kissing them, first Dean, and then Sam, because he's bigger... --Ted and the other patients in Sam's group therapy session: TED: (lowers his hand) I am calm. And I'd very calmly like to talk about the monster that's hunting us. DR. FULLER: Ted, we're not going to have that discussion again. It's not good for group. TED: I agree. You know what else isn't good for group? A monster eating all our faces off. DR. FULLER: Alright, fine, thank you. Now, anyone else? TED: I saw it...when it killed Susan. OTHER PATIENT: I did, too. It had big lobster claws. TED: No, it didn't. OTHER PATIENT: Yeah, and it was an alien, like on X-Files. TED: Stop it. Stop helping. Listen to me. We're all dead! DR. FULLER: That's enough. (leans forward, taking off his glasses) There is no monster.

"STOP HELPING!" Ted says. Because the lies aren't actually helping here. The other patients are just making stuff up, whether for attention or because they can't help themselves, but Ted is actually telling the truth, which gets drowned out and dismissed as just more delusional ravings. And then he ends up as the wraith's next victim.

Truth, lies, what's the real story here? And how do you see the truth? In mirrors.

YOU SEE THE TRUTH IN MIRRORS.

Except, sometimes the wraith can even affect what you see in the mirror-- both about yourself and others. For example, even Dean's entirely mentally invented doctor shows up in the mirror with him. She makes Dr. Fuller appear as a wraith, fueling their mistaken belief that he's the monster. And then when the wraith is closing in on them and knows they're on to her, she makes EVERYONE appear as wraiths in the mirror so she can continue hiding in plain sight, while also driving Dean's paranoia through the roof.

Dean, trying to convince the doctor he's fine, she starts throwing all the accusations he's had burning guilty holes in him for a long time:

DR. CARTWRIGHT: Come on, even you don't believe that. All this pressure that you're putting yourself under, all this guilt; it's killing you. You can't save everybody. You can't. (her voice becomes hard) Hell, these days, you can't save anybody, Dean. (turns to leave) DEAN: What did you say? DR. CARTWRIGHT: (turns back to him) The truth, Dean. You got Ellen and Jo killed. You shot Lucifer, but you couldn't gank him. DEAN begins to get confused and a little afraid. DR. CARTWRIGHT: You couldn't stop Sam from killing Lilith, and--oh, yeah--you broke the first seal. All you do is fail. Did you really think that you, Dean Winchester with a GED and a give-'em-hell attitude, were gonna beat the devil? DEAN gets a little more afraid. DR. CARTWRIGHT: Please. The world is gonna burn, and there is nothing that you can do about it. DEAN: Who are you? (voice rising) How do you know that stuff?

but it's then that he begins to realize just how bad he's been messed with:

DR. CARTWRIGHT: I'm not real, Dean. I'm in your head...because you are going crazy.

and he literally goes and huddles in a corner, having completely lost his grip on reality.

Meanwhile, Sam gets confronted by the real doctor, and has his problems listed off to him:

SAM: Yeah. Thanks. I, um...I just wanted to apologize. I feel horrible about what I did to you. I thought you were a monster. DR. FULLER: I know that. The question is, why? SAM: I was...It doesn't matter, um...because after what happened last night, I had a...moment of clarity. I realized...there's no such thing as monsters. DR. FULLER: Well, I'm glad to hear you say that, but, honestly? Monsters are the least of your problems. People can learn to live with delusions, but the anger I saw in you...You hurt those two men, and you were going to kill me. The look in your eyes when you came after me, I...It was like you were barely even human...like a man possessed.

like a man possessed... lol >.> Again, how much is is foreshadowed that Sam is due for Bad Things, and Dean will be left collapsed by his own guilt and loss by the end of the season? Especially as Dean sits nearly catatonic at a table in the corner while Sam starts an imaginary fight inside his own mind and gets himself dragged off to isolation. Dean, however, is still coherent enough to put together the clues and hunt down the wraith despite being drugged and manipulated by her.

At first he mistakenly believes they were infected by Wendy the random kissing patient, but they arrive at her room in time to watch the actual wraith attack her. Martin creates a distraction and tells Dean that he needs to go kill the wraith, but he's received a MASSIVE dose of her venom and can barely walk. Yet he is determined.

MARTIN: You've gotta get out there and kill that thing. I'll take care of her. MARTIN'S voice echoes in DEAN'S ears. DEAN: (shakes his head) I can't. MARTIN: You have to. You have no choice, son. The two orderlies walk in and grab MARTIN, who fights back. The orderlies are distracted by MARTIN. MARTIN: Go. Dean, run! Run!

And what the wraith tells Sam is interesting, too:

SAM: You did this to me! THE WRAITH: Well, I helped. But that rage? No, no, no. That's all you. I don't make crazy. I just crank up what's already there. You build your own hell, but I give you the Legos. And when you're ripe... I make all of your problems disappear.

And this terrifies Sam, because he knows she's right:

SAM: She was right. DEAN: No, she wasn't. She's dead, okay? Let's hit the road. I need a drink, or twelve. SAM: Most of the time, I can hide it, but...I am angry. I'm mad at everything. I used to be mad at you and Dad, then Lilith, now it's Lucifer, and I make excuses. I blame Ruby or the demon blood, but it's not their fault. It's not them. It's me. It's inside me. I'm mad...all the time...and I don't know why. DEAN: Stop. Stop it. So what if you are? What are you gonna do? You gonna take a leave of absence? You gonna say yes to Lucifer? What? SAM: No, of course not. I-- DEAN: Exactly. And that's exactly what you're gonna do. You're gonna take all that crap and you're gonna bury it. You're gonna forget about it, because that's how we keep going! That's how we don't end up like Martin! Are you with me?

So... pushing it all down, not the best strategy for long-term mental health, but pushing anger down specifically? That's something Dean's spent a lifetime doing. Sam, maybe not so much. When Sam's gotten angry in the past, he makes a plan and removes himself from the situation-- running away from home as a kid, running away to Stanford, making a totally new life for himself and just pretending the Bad Things didn't happen at all. Dean, on the other hand, just puts his head down and continues plowing through the bad things head first like a bull. And honestly neither of these are great coping strategies in real life, but the fact that Sam is just... so baffled as to the source of his anger, when he doesn't WANT to be angry but has so much legitimate REASON to be angry, is just heartbreaking. He thinks it's a personal failing, though, instead of a rational response to being so horrifically manipulated his whole life.

When Dean's anger reaches a peak, he just lets himself explode and doesn't feel guilty about exploding after the fact, you know? Which makes the manipulation he suffered via the wraith all the more painful for him. He just takes it and keeps on plowing through. He'll have a valid excuse to let that anger out sooner or later.

Meanwhile, his guilt over all of this will power him through to the next manipulative adventure the narrative has in store.

[dachi-chan25]

Game of Thrones Season 7 Episode 6 Recap Pt. 1

Oh boy… I need to vent again, I’m sorry, but thanks to everyone reading this, it’s a cathartic experience if anything.

WARNINGS: SPOILERS; Not a D@€ny fan, but if you follow me you already know that and if you don’t no problem that’s why I always warn you about it; Jonsa shipper and still growing strong ( I always loved the Tyrell OK???)

Before diving into the recap:

1.- The toughts, tinfoily wishy washy stuff, analysis, random stuff that I write are my own only, and in no form or way am I trying to convince you that I am right and every body else is wrong, I have been wrong about fandom stuff a LOT, and really it’s just fun for me to do this, anyway I am open to debate if you want just be respectful. Feel free to correct me if you notice I have some facts I present wrong, I will never get mad about it and will even thank you for your insight.

2.- The analysis/opinions I express of certain ships/characters are just my opinion as an audience, if you like the ship/characters good! That’s what makes the fandom experience such a diverse thing, and I have nothing against you. Keep on loving the thing you love!

3.- The Salt Throne and I are one entity of pure undiluted Salt and bitterness,if you don’t wish to subject yourself to reading my salty fangirl rants I completely understand.

—————

1.- We start on that table-map, helI feel I condemned myself saying I didn’t wanted no more close-ups of the thing, anyway so it’s just a pretty shot to get to where the story (plot? What plot?) really pick’s up: Eastwatch by the sea.

We are with the suicide squad on this show’s dumbest mission, but then again this season a lot of dumb things happened so I am resigned. Yeah so Jon and Tormund are talking about how dumb this mission is (got is breaking the fourth wall now???) while Gendry is freezing, Tormund is happy to be back North of the Wall cuz the air in the south is shit, Jon is like bih you never went south but really is agreeing actually Jon seems much more himself now that he is in the North again. Tormund and Jon tease Gendry about making do with him cuz there are no ladies here (ahaha joking about experiencing homosexual sex but no homo bro it’s just because we have no ladies amirite? Am I watching got or the big b4ng th€or¥?) and you know what else they don’t have?? Horses, and food, and those pesky dragonglass weapons, and a raven to send for help should anything happen… But no ladies are the priority. (*sigh* this show is so painfully obviously written by man) Gendry apparently believes them and goes away, Tormund comments he isn’t very bright, he needn’t be says Jon cuz they need the brawn and not the brains right? No this stupid ass mission could have seriously used some brains.

Anyway this next convo of conversations was very intresting to hear, not because they add anything to the plot (if such a thing exists anymore in this show) but I think they are important in understanding the theme they have in common and the relevance I think they have in the final scenes of the episode.

First we have a Tormund/Jon convo, our funny redhead asks about the Dragon Queen, and I expected they would use this chance to make some crude remark about her beauty or her body (dude not a second ago they were joking about bedding Gendry!!) but no, the conversation never goes in the direction that could further the idea of Jon’s attraction to D, Jon trusts Tormund and it would be normal for bros to discuss this stuff (remember how Jon giggled about Tormund mentioning Brienne last episode), instead a very weary and frustrated Jon states she (D) wouldn’t help unless he bends the knee, Tormund says that won’t happen cuz Jon spent so much time with the Wildings to be a kneeler again, but then he moves on to talk about Mance Ryder (dude this Jon/Mance parallels are hitting me in the face like a cold fish, I know D&D I noticed! You haven’t been subtle about this!!! You used the same FUCKING dialogue) and how the dude could have saved a lot of lives if he just had let go of his pride and knelt (so Tormund is our Jon in this parallel ain’t he?) it just made me laugh that Tormund, a wildling cuz they are still Free Folk and rule themselves even if they have an alliance with the KitN, is the one to suggests kneeling, but then I realized how big of a fucken deal that is, Mance could have saved those lives yes (and that’s mere speculation honestly cuz Stannis and his army could have also died at Hardhome #just saying) but he decided keeping his people’s will was more important, Jon respected that to the point he defyied Stannis (they needed his help and dude had just saved them) openly by killing Mance, and now Tormund who is kind of the new Free Folk king/leader is saying it would have been OK if he knelt to save everyone’s lives in front of Jon whom is in a very similar situation.

Then we get a Jorah/Jon convo, again perfect oportunity to show them as D’s love interests and rivals, or for Jorah to wax poetic about Khaliiisi and Jon being jealous or some shit. Some serious talk, if we had time in this compact season for Jon to threaten (or pardon) every man who ever crossed paths with Sansa, why Gendry or the Hound haven’t mentioned Arya at all, if logic states that she is someone this people have in common and should talk about? (like Theon asking about Sansa, or Tyrion) Why Jorah doesn’t talk about D if Jon is her new love interest and it would be a nice and neat contrast between the two of them? Instead they disscus another people they have in common, ex-Lord Commander Jeor Mormont and Ned Stark, oh yes they talk about their dads, Jon says how wonderful was Jorah’s dad and how awful was his death, while Jorah said it must have been heartbreaking for his dad whose entire life was the NW and Jon talks about Ned “the goodest most honorable man ever” dying like a traitor for his honor and pride (like I sense a pattern, can you tell? Gods D&D are too subtle guys) and goes as far as to say he is glad his dad didn’t kill Jorah (you know making him pay for his crime in a just honorable way). Honestly what was the point of this conversation if not that survival is most important than honor? The writers (through Jon) are celebrating that Jorah survived even if he has done sketchy awful things (among them he conspired to have D and her baby killed so he would be allowed to go back to Westeros).

Right we get an intresting end to this convo, Jon offers Jorah Longclaw (why would he give him the sword if he is gonna need it right now in the stupid ass Wight hunt? Why didn’t he gave it to Lady Lyanna Mormont, she has presumably begun training cuz she said to Lord Glover she wasn’t gonna sit by the fire while the man defended the North??? Why would he give it to someone if Jeor gave it to him cuz he didn’t wanted Jorah to have it???) but the point of the conversation it’s not the sword, because Jorah rejects it, it’s about planting the possibility of children in Jon’s future. people have been screaming Targ baby to the heavens and back, and if that is what you chose to belive alright, but I think not, if that was the case wouldn’t it be appropiate to have the Targ theme or the J/D song in the background and transition to DS where D talks about children with Tyrion like she does in a future scene? I would have believed it then. But instead we have the Stark theme and the scene transitioning to Arya and SANSA, call me delusional if you want but for me this is another check in the ‘targcest is building up tarbowl’ column.

Summarizing this we get the very bright neón message of Honor=Death. Which I’ll bring back later.

2.- Y'all remember those good times when the WF storyline was the only thing getting me through all the bullshit I was being fed by D&D? Well they’re over. As I said in point 1 we get a transition of Arya and Sansa looking down at the courtyard while Arya talks about how Ned watched the boys training and tries to diminish Sansa’s connection to her family by stating she was surely too busy sewing to know that (have fun freezing your limbs off darling!!! Sewing and Knitting and all those “delicate female” activities you sniff at are the reason you have clothes miss, really I can’t with this where is the Arya that thought woman to be of equal importance than man?) Sansa is having none of that and says she remembers, we get a cute memory of Arya practicing archery in secret and Ned approving (we get again nods to the patriarchy is wrong! But this is sloppy as fuck if D&D make Arya feel superior to non-warrior inclined girls, like that is also misogynistic) Sansa is smiling fondly (she at this point is more of a feminist icon than any other girl in this show, make no mistake she is not upset or resentful of warrior girls, she approved with a smile when Lyanna said girls on Bear Island were going to be trained too, and she smiles at the memory Arya is sharing with her of defying the rules and practicing archery cuz that made her happy) but then things take a turn for worse when Arya said that Ned is dead cuz Sansa helped the Lannisters. I never asked for this bullshit!!! Not even Ned blamed Sansa for anything, even if Sansa hadn’t alerted her Cersei was gonna kill Robert to protect herself and her children, Ned died for Joffrey’s cruelty (he wasn’t even supposed to die, he was to be sent to the Wall) and yes Sansa had a role to play in the chain of events that led to that, but Sansa had no way of knowing that, she only tried to save her family! The smile gets wiped from my girl’s face she is completely at loss. Arya takes out the letter and starts reading it out, even when Sansa asks her to stop cuz she already knows what does the letter say (wow I can’t belive D&D keep on triggering Sansa through her siblings, FUCKING disgusting) Arya is being unnecessary cruel, blaming Sansa for being powerless to stop their father’s death when she herself was equally powerless, like????? D&D are pushing this Starkbowl bs cuz this is got and nothing can be nice for 2 sec. But really this shit has no basis, you have Wight Hunt Team people who have literally killed each other or tried to working together and joking and then have two sisters who went through hell and back fighting cuz one of them thinks the other survived KL by being a princess in a tower??? Like how is this logical? Even if this is a cleverly crafted Arya plot (I think there is some logic to this) to kill LF is not fair for Sansa, god can’t she have good things on her life? D&D took away the safety of her home by marrying her off to Ramsey and have him rape her in her HOME, and now they make her family treat her one like a stranger and the other like shit???? I’m not asking for Arya to thank Sansa on her knees like she suggested (if anything Sansa was super brave standing her ground and defending her possition and everything she did to retake their home) I don’t want everyone to worship her as they do certain someone all I am asking for is respect and safety for someone who deserves it! Really and Arya suggesting Lyanna Mormont would go for Sansa’s throat why yes she is a child, one that has lost a lot with all this fucking wars but still a child that lacks the knowledge of the true game of thrones and what it takes to survive it, like you Arya (doesn’t she remembers she was cupbearer to Tywin who literally was responsible for the murder of her brother and mother? This is actually what leads me to think this is a ploy cuz Arya is not a hypocrite as far as we’ve seen) still this was painful to watch if you love the Starks.

Anyway leaving my frustration with this cheap drama aside, did anyone notice the parallels between the Arya and Sansa confrontation and the Jon/Tormund and Jon/Jorah conversations? The Wight Hunt Team was talking about great honorable man whose honor and moral code brought their downfall and in the Sansa and Arya, the youngest sister was blaming the eldest for having no honor and surviving (she goes as far as to say she would have rather died than betray her family) while Sansa defends what she did and shows how far she has come from paying the game.

Again this thing is not subtle at all.

———

This is too long so Part 2 is coming!

[manicmustard-blog-blog]

Can there be a positive side to mental-health problems?

Well, it's been about a month...so article-time.  WHAM, BLAMMO, straight out the pot etc.  Nah.  In truth I wasn't sure what to write about as I didn't want to potentially drone on about the fitness or weight-loss routine and I'd prefer to stick to more positive things these days.  Unless of course they involve various customers at my workplace getting abused by a hairy Mexican cucumber called Steve.  In which case, go ahead.  Just take pictures.

So.. Having touched on the issue before of the various mental health issues I've had and still cope with on a day to day basis, I thought I'd actually go against the grain and write about some of the oddly positive effects that I've experienced having lived with clinical depression on and off for most of my adult life as well as psychosis.  Now.  This might seem a bit odd, obviously most articles touching on mental health deal with the negative effects as well as how to cope with day to day issues and all that shit.  But hey, we've read all about those and to be frank most of us have lived with our own mental health issues or most certainly known somebody with them.  So something different then.

Where to start?  Let's start by saying that what I'm about to write is obviously based on my own experiences and deals with my own philosophy on the subject coupled with my own coping strategies.  So it's my perspective.  That doesn't mean I'm not unaware of those that have much more crippling mental health problems than I've ever experienced or those that are dealing with them right now and feel like every day is hell.  This isn't meant to insult anybody or seem unempathic.  It's just my own way of seeing things.  Which you're here for I hope.  If not.  Get out.

So funnily enough, speaking about perspective.  That's one of the things that's changed for me quite considerably over the years.  I've found that as a result of spending various sections of my life utterly depressed and in some cases, incapable, I've learned to enjoy some of the simple things in life and not to take things too seriously.  You could say that I've brainwashed myself to be happy just because I'm not getting repeatedly curb-stomped by life right at this present moment in time, and you'd be partially correct.  But the interesting side-effect is that when shit happens, both mild (some idiot just pushed me out the way) or the more severe (getting cancer) you find yourself able to cope with it more.  Now, obviously some of this can always be attributed to life experience and growing up.  But part of those experiences for me have been getting utterly shat on at various points in my life by both body and mind and funnily enough, they've helped me to adapt and grow.  Also, while I still wish for better things in life, I realised that breaking your soul over the life you think you should be living is a pointless waste of the life you actually are living.  By all means, change what you can and improve, but don't fret over things that are never going to happen or simply out of reach.  It's a waste of mental energy and serves no purpose whatsoever other than to bring you down and make you even less capable of doing what you need to do to survive.

Second thing I've noticed that's improved is empathy and my general understanding of other people.  It's a weird one.  Because when your mind's hit the floor and you've spent some serious time considering whether or not life's actually worth living and if you'll ever be able to hold down a job again or even manage to walk out your front door, you find yourself suddenly not hating other people so much for their weaknesses and failings.  Sure.  The ignorant as shit chav scumbag you have to serve at work who doesn't know even basic manners would be a much more productive member of society if somebody turned him into glue or fed him to a horde of ravenous gerbils...but part of me can't help but think "Fuck.  What type of life has that guy had to become such an utter shitstain?"  Okay.  Maybe I'm confusing empathy with something else but you get where I'm coming from.

"No.  No we don't." - Everyone

Fine.  In short.  People are all flawed.  None of us are perfect and now I've come to terms with what an imperfect and occasionally cuntish person I can be, I've finally realised that the key to happiness is to simply not expect other people to live up to our expectations of what they should be, but to accept them for the lying, hypocritical and beautifully flawed human meatbags that they really are.

Basically every Disney movie ever.

"Too much Dij, too much." - Brain

So yeah.  Empathy covered.  What else?

Oh yeah.  Now this one's a bit personal to me and involves my psychosis I had several years back that had me experiencing complete delusions, visual hallucinations, a general inability to do anything and an overwhelming constant state of near suicidal misery that lasted for the best part of several months.  Oh and of course, the biggest part - the auditory hallucinations.  Aka, voices in my head besides my own.

To explain how ANY of this could have a positive effect, I should explain that in general, the lack of really living at the time as well as the utter lack of joy and lack of interest in ANYTHING coupled with a confusion about my own existence does tie in with the first point.  Perspective.  So yeah, living in such shit times obviously helps you appreciate what it's like to have your mind working normally.  Or relatively normal enough that you can function.

But the main issue is the voices.  Now, before explaining, I should explain what they are and what they were like in the beginning.  Well, they were the first noticable part of the psychosis that I really remember.  I don't actually remember the initial delusions, or the confusion, but I always remember the voices.  I remember how at the moment of breakdown, I suddenly heard friends, family members, all suddenly talking to me as loud as if they were in the room.  All conversing with each other and with me.  Some of them explaining the situation I was in, some trying to convince me that I was dead, others telling me they hated me and wished for my suffering.  Suffice to say.  It was a bit of a headfuck.

Would.  Not.  Recommend.

Now, without rambling on, these voices stayed strong for, well, years.  Even when I started my current job and despite the anti-psychotics, I struggled with voices, delusional thoughts and fantasy day-dreaming merging with reality.  But I managed.  And through coping strategies, I got better at managing them. Finally, I got off the meds and if anything, my thinking has never been clearer. But here's the thing I generally don't mention too often for fear of making people uncomfortable.  But sod it, I'll just say it because it's kinda necessary to make my point... The voices and delusions never totally went away.

Now, the delusions.  They still waft into my thoughts.  But I cope.  I ignore them. I'm firmly enough invested in "this reality" enough so that I discourage or ignore the idea that the universe might be different somewhere and somehow.  They're not overly beneficial, perhaps they make me more imaginative even when it's not necessarily appropriate but hey ho.

The voices however.  Now this is where from my perspective, things have taken an odd turn.  Of course, the negative personalities that seem to gain utter joy from my occasional bad fortune and actively wish me harm and indeed sometimes will it with all their strength are still there, but I've learned to ignore them so much over the years that now it's second nature. As for the positive side?  Well, I remember before the psychosis, I used to think my way through problems or life in general by doing just that.  Thinking about it.  Weighing up pros and cons, looking at the various outcomes and deciding what seems best at the time.  Same shit no doubt that everybody does.  Now though, I do all that but the different voices (or personalities would perhaps be more apt) chime in and give me their perspectives on the matter and actually discuss whatever's on my mind.  With occasional input from me of course.  Of course, occasionally they talk utter shite for their own amusement but to be fair, who doesn't?

Before I finish I should point out that of course I'm aware they're just different aspects of my subconcious.  Not demons.  Or spirits.  But, to be honest, who cares?  They come in useful and seem to help for the most part.  Weirdly enough from my own musings, they occasionally point out things and even ideas or viewpoints that I hadn't or wouldn't have normally been consciously aware of - difficult to explain, because of course, as soon as an idea pops into your head, you're aware of it, but this is different to that.  It's hard to describe, same mechanism probably, but a different way of delivery.  Suffice to say, it's quite different to thinking to yourself and having something occur to you.  But it's a positive, so what's not to like?

Either way.  Perhaps the greatest ability I've learned from all of my experiences so far is to follow the constant advice of many grandparents everywhere and simply try to always look on the bright side of life.  It doesn't mean you can't be cynical, or angry, or even hateful...but it's how quickly you turn it around or turn a shit situation into a manageable situation in your own head.  Because at the end of the day.  That's where it counts.  Not how somebody else feels about something, or how they manage something, but about how you manage to live with something.  You won't always succeed at fixing your head when something goes wrong, but try your damndest anyway and refuse to let the universe win.  That way you can't kick yourself too hard in the balls if and when you mess up.

So anyway.  Hope you've enjoyed reading my somewhat self-indulgent post.  To be totally honest, writing about it for others to read (judge/hate/lambast/poo self laughing at) has been kind of relaxing.  Who knows?  Maybe I am a people person.  I'll have to dig one out the freezer and find out.

[mcrmadness]

Some random lonely ambivert thoughts..?

Damn it’s, what, 2 days since I’ve had actual conversations with someone apart from my family and I feel like I’m going crazy already. What is this even? I’m supposed to be an introvert! Or maybe an ambivert which is why it probably makes it so difficult because I like having conversations with people but I don’t know how to start conversations and I don’t want to push myself into other peoples faces AND I’m more comfortable with conversations where I can just start talking and skip the whole “how are you doing?” part. I mean, I’m gonna answer anyway, did they ask or not. Which probably often makes people go like “and you are telling this to me because..?” and I’m sorry that’s just the way I function :))))))

Anyway. Talking of that, I tend to have these weird delusions about friendships/human relationships. I legit don’t know if it’s because of a) my bad experiences with friendships b) my poor social skills c) that I have been playing The Sims games more than half of my life and I’ve kinda built my “view” over relationships/friendships around how it’s in these games or d) all of the above combined.

What I mean is that I tend to ruin friendships when there’s too much time between the times I have talked with someone. For me it feels like how it goes in The Sims: you have to interact all the time to stay as friends and if you don’t talk to them enough, the relationship will eventually drop to 0 and you have to start over as acquintances. That’s what maintaining friendships feels like to me. I feel like I need to interact all the time to keep my friends. Which, of course, is not even that weird as usually that’s how it is, too. But I’m also an introvert and I know many people who don’t talk to their friends for months and then they meet/phone and talk for hours as if there never was so many months before it. I think I have learnt this kind of behaviour from my mother.

It’s a long post so beware:

But somehow I can get very delusional during this kind of pause. Sometimes I can have months or years without talking to some people and it doesn’t feel like that and then we continue talking as if the last time we talked was yesterday. But sometimes even a few days can make me become delusional and I start to feel like everyone hates me and they want to erase me from their lives and that they hope that if they don’t interact with me, I’ll just disappear and they can continue without me and also don’t need to hurt me by telling me they don’t want to have anything to do with me anymore. And I start to believe this kind of thought to strongly sometimes that I start destroying friendships. I kinda start to emotionally abuse myself by doing things that might upset someone because I’m so convinced they hate me and I just kinda want to hear that from them? And I feel like they’re two-faced and lying to me when they say they care about me, and I can’t believe that because why would anyone? And I’m not calling anyone a liar, it’s more like I just wellow in self-loath so badly that I cannot believe why anyone would wanna be my friend voluntarily and that everyone does that only out of pity. And I don’t want pity, that sickens me. I like to be honest and genuine and I hate it if people act like they’d care and do that only because it’s a norm to do so. And some times I just cannot tell when they are genuine and when they are “doing what they’re supposed to do” and that all gets so mixed up in my head.

I think I understand now what people mean when they say that they have this “everyone hates you” tape played in their head nonstop. It’s not voices, it’s just this feel as if you are worthy of none or nothing. I think that’s what happens to me too. But not always. For example, right now I’m not delusional and I can see how fucked up this feeling really is but when I enter this mood, I cannot see it at all. I just am convinced that everyone hates me and if people could choose, they wouldn’t be my friends. And that somehow they’ve just got stuck into our friendship because they don’t know how to talk their way out without hurting me.

I know I’m just repeating myself here but that’s what I do. I partially am just explaining myself to myself. It’s just... it’s very annoying. And it also happens when people talk about other friends or when I see them interact with their other friends. I wouldn’t say I’m jealous, but I just start to feel like I’m nothing compared to the others. I’m basically afraid that I’ll be replaces even when people wouldn’t even put their friends into an order. I guess this is also bit like what’s with The Sims: friends are in order from best to worst counted in percentages. They can have 100% with multiple sims but one is basically always the first and best. Or maybe they then go in alphabetical order... I don’t know cos my sims rarely have that good friends apart from their spouses and (maybe) family members because I’m busy with other things in the game.

I don’t arrange my friends and I don’t think someone is the best or worst etc. and I couldn’t actually even tell who is my “favorite” from my friends because I don’t do that, but I do get excited by individuals when I talk with them a lot, but that still won’t make someone a favorite, you know. But somehow I just don’t see myself as that. I just exclude myself from everything. For me it’s like “this person, their friends, AND me” and I’m like always on the outside. I can call people as my friends and I’m flattered when someone calls me as their friend, but I never feel like I actually deserve to be called as that. And I don’t even compare myself to their other friends, I just still live in this mindset I developed when I was a teenager: the world vs. me. And that sound rebellious but it’s the opposite, I’ve always felt like the world aka other people have been hating on me - it was especially bad when I was a teenager so that’s why it’s still so hard for me sometimes, and during those 3 years it was NOT imagined, it was my reality to be the most hated person in my class and sometimes I felt that even the whole school knew to hate me - so I just kinda learnt to take care of myself and not to care about others but it also made me stay quit distant from other people and to avoid getting too attached just to avoid the day they will start hating me if they, for some reason, don’t do that already.

^Exactly same goes for things like being a fan too. I think about a band and their fans and I call myself as a fan of a band, but I don’t feel like I’m one of THE fans. I’m just a random fan. And sometimes I feel like if the band would see/meet me, they would tell me to fuck off just because I am me. When there’s songs where they talk to fans, I feel like it’s for everyone else but me. Or it can be just anyone having fans, like a youtuber, whey they talk to “you” and if they’d look at the camera, I just don’t feel like they’d mean to include me into their fanbase. Like, I’m really happy for the fans and so on, but I just feel like I can be a fan but I’m not part of anything. I just don’t belong to anywhere. 

I often also feel like that with people, too. I once was to a bigger meeting with a fans of one band, I think I was about 18 back then. And we stayed in another place for 2 nights and the group then was divided into smaller groups of people and what I did the whole time there? I kept wandering from one group to another but I did not really have conversations with anyone alone and I always changed to another group when I started to feel like they wanted to be left alone now. So I was always feeling like the extra wheel and eventually it was just me alone and I guess I was the only one awake - because I also cannot sleep when others are not asleep, as I also am afraid to miss something fun. And I’m also afraid to let people be in groups without me because immediately I start to feel like when there’s more than one of them, they will start talking and realize how none of them actually wants to have anything to do with me and all of them will then abandon me, which wouldn’t happen if they didn’t start talking behind my back. Sometimes it’s really difficult for me to go back to people who have just been in a group with other people because I start to have those same delusions: they have now realized that they hate me and they are trying to figure out how to get rid of me without telling it to my face.

I think this might come from the fact that when I was 13 and after somehow ending up angering one of my ex-friends, who then happened to turn the whole class against me - I had only one friend left. And I was hanging out with this person at school and after school but then one day she came to me to tell that she can’t hang out with me in the school anymore because everytime she does that, others start bullying her saying “How can you spend time with THAT???” and it made her feel bad and I just was like “oh sure I understand” and I was left alone. She still spent time with me after school and we actually tried to keep it a secret and at school acted as if we were no longer friends. After summer we never hung out together anymore. And the next whole year I was all alone and I wouldn’t have survived without internet! It was 2005 and I found my first online friends and I was so so so lonely at school but fortunaly I had some people to talk to over internet. And it was my last school year aka the 3rd year when I finally got some actual friends from school, but all were from different classes, and I’m friends with only one of them atm. Which probably will stay because we’ve been friends for over 12 years now.

But yeah, I have been abandoned before because a group of people pushed someone into that. So maybe that is why I’m afraid of people being in groups because I imagine it’ll happen again eventually.

So yeah. Some nighttime thoughts here. I just felt like talking. Not to anyone specific, just... talking.