#oh ye body dysmorphia going on rn

[kodaiki]

today isn’t it for me i can feel it </3

[whynotwinnie]

Timida part 3: Roger Taylor x OC

sorry it took so long college is kicking my ass rn but thank you for all the support y’all have given me i’m going to start writing the next part rn thank y’all - bennie <3

T/w: body dysmorphia, talks of anxiety and depression, cussing

MICKEY

Throughout the night you woke up a total of 4 times getting frustrated you sat up and stared at the clock 4:13 in the afternoon. You flopped back on the bed, you should’ve gone to bed earlier.

You swung your legs to the edge of your bed and hopped down popping your back as you made your way to your shower. You turned on the hot water and let it run while you stripped yourself of your clothes. You turned yourself toward the mirror staring at your body, oh it was going to be one of those days. You turned from side to side checking your figure and felt the tears start to form in your eyes. 

You stepped into your shower and started to cry while the hot water hit your back. You always got these weird mood swings where you felt like shit and wanted to hide from the world, you would say these mood swings happened at least once a week. You know you probably needed some type of help for it but as of right now you didn’t have the time or the funds to deal with that. 

You spent a little extra time in the shower resulting in the hot water running out and turning freezing cold. You groaned and turned it off grabbing a towel to dry your body, when you were leaving the restroom you made sure to avoid looking in the mirror. 

You grabbed a different big t-shirt to use as pajamas and threw on a random pair of house shorts and headed to your work area to finish whatever orders you didn’t start on last night.

Making quick work with the simple alterations you sat bored after folding the last article of clothing nicely. You got up from your desk and walked around your small apartment trying to find something to keep you occupied until it was time to call Roger.

Deciding you should make an early dinner you went to your kitchen area in your flat. The flat itself was small and the only way you could describe it was tolerable. It was one bed, one bathroom flat the only reason why you ended up signing your lease was that it was cheap and had an open living room area so you can set up all your work stuff there. But that also meant that your living room was always a mess with scrap fabric on the floor, 2 working mannequins plus the broken one being propped up by the wall, your huge old sewing machine that was way too loud, and a wardrobe that you found on the street that you cleaned and kept some spare fabric and clothes in.

You decided that you were going to make chicken and rice, you would’ve had beans but you ran out a week ago and never got the time to go get groceries. As you seasoned your chicken you made a promise to yourself that you would go get groceries tomorrow. 

Then your phone rang.

“Shit,” you said while you left your chicken on the stove, quickly checking the time before you answered 6:05 it seemed too early for it to be Roger.

“Hello?” you said to the phone wondering who it could be.

“Mickey?”

“Oh hey Roger, I wasn’t expecting you to call this early,” 

“Yeah, sorry about that.” he signed into the receiver “Remember when I told you yesterday how we had a really good practice, well today was shit.”

“I’m sorry about that Roger, what happened?”

“Well, Brian and I couldn’t get on the same page to save our lives he kept insisting that there needed to be a guitar solo in every fucking song when there really shouldn’t.” 

He kept his rant going for a few minutes talking about solos and songs you just tried to keep up with the names and strange vocabulary he was using. It wasn’t until you started to smell burning when you remembered your chicken on the stove.

“Fucking shit hold on Roger.” you dropped the phone and ran to the chicken taking the pan off the burner. The chicken was black on the bottom and stuck to the pan.

“Are you fucking kidding me?” you did your best to scrape the chicken in the trash but some stayed stuck you would have to deal with that later. You turned your rice off before that could burn too, you guess rice for dinner would do.

You threw the pan in the sink and turned on the water and watched the steam come off the pan, you never had this happen before you were a pretty good cook it came naturally after your mother made you help her cook for your whole family. But burning something if she could see you now she would be so disappointed, well she’s always disappointed in you nothing you could do to change that.

You turned off the water and went back to the phone.

“Hey sorry about that.” you sighed into the phone

“Is everything okay Mickey? You really had me worried.”

“Everything is fine now I had started making chicken right before you called and I didn’t keep an eye on it but now it’s burnt.” 

“This is all my fault, I bored you with all my stupid problems.”

“No, you didn’t! I should’ve known better.”

“You have to let me make it up to you.” 

You paused for a second. “Don’t be silly it’s just chicken.”

“Let me take you for dinner.”

“I- When?” you said softly

“Right now.”

You didn’t say anything, you weren’t ready or anything like that.

“Unless you don’t want to go that’s okay too.”

You panicked “No, I would love to it’s just that I look like a mess right now.”

“I bet you’re lying, I want to see you Mickey please let me take you for dinner. If not for me then for the poor chicken you just burned.”

You laughed. “Okay then.”

“Great, what’s your address I’ll pick you up.”

You stopped, was it smart to give him your address? No. 

“Or we can meet there Mickey. I’m fine with either.” 

You didn’t have a car, you knew how to drive and all that but after one time where your mom yelled at you for making too sharp of a turn you always got nervous when you got behind the wheel. So you walked or biked everywhere now. 

You decided to give him your address and in the worst-case scenario maybe Dayla would tell the police it was Roger who murdered you. But you doubt that would happen. He said he’ll be there in fifteen and that you didn’t live far from each other.

You rushed to get ready putting on black jeans and another t-shirt much like the same outfit you first saw him in except this time you decided to put on a little mascara and to fill in your eyebrows.

While you were tying your shoes you heard the buzzer “Hey Mick it’s Roger can you buzz me in?”

Your heart fluttered at the new nickname he had for you “Yeah Roger, I’ll meet you down there.” as you buzzed him in.

You practically ran to the elevator cursing it for taking so long and once it opened at the lobby you saw him there looking extremely good and with flowers in hand.

“Roger!” You called him over.

“Hey Mick, these are for you,” he said as he handed you a bouquet of carnation flowers.

“Thank you so much!” you said as you grabbed them he looked down at you and you leaned into him for a short embrace. 

“Would you like to come up for a bit so I can put these in water,” you asked hoping he wouldn’t get the wrong idea.

“Yeah of course.”

You both took the elevator back to your floor in comfortable silence and then you walked him to your door.

“It’s a bit of mess right now and it still smells burnt.” You said as you opened the door.

He took a look around as he walked in “I like it.”

“You don’t have to lie Roger.” you laughed as you filled a vase with water.

“I’m not I like it, it’s cozy even with the burnt smell,” he said as he grinned at you.

“Please don’t remind me.” You groaned as you set the flower vase on the small dining table you had.

He laughed and walked toward your living room “Oh wow.”

“Yeah, that was the mess I was talking about.” you cringed at how it must look.

“This is where you work?” 

You shook your head yes.

He walked to the dress you made last night hanging on the mannequin.

“Did you do this?” he asked eyes wide. 

“Yeah.”

“Like you made it made it, not like hemmed it or anything,” he said not believing you.

“Yeah, look.” you flipped the back of the dress to show the custom made tags your aunt had made for you when you lived with her. The tag said “Luci’s Attire” it was the best idea you had at the time.

“Wow, this is really good Mickey like for real.”

You grinned at him it felt good being seen. 

“Thank you, Roger.” You smiled at him.

“Hey, before we go is it okay if I use your bathroom before we go?”

“Yeah of course.” You led him to the bathroom and told him you would be in the living room.

You decided to crack open a window to help get rid of the burnt smell feeling less nervous about hanging out with Roger. 

You both left your apartment building shoulders touching feeling the cool September air blow through your hair. He opened the door to his car with a huge smile on his face. You gave a soft thanks and sat in his car. 

The car itself was really nice probably the nicest car you have ever been in. The outside was painted in a sleek black and the inside leather was all red. You were honestly scared to touch anything so you kept your hands on your lap. Roger got in the driver’s seat and turned to you.

“Is it okay if we go to this place I know they serve the best Italian food.”

“The best?” you said with an eyebrow raised.

“Well, the best I had, actually maybe we should go somewhere else.” He said while reversing.

“No, I would like to go actually.” You said laughing

“I don’t think it’s a good idea now Mick-”

“Please Roger.” You said with a pleading voice.

He did a quick double-take at you and gave a small smile.

He turned the dial of his radio to change the channel.

“What kind of music do you like listening to?” he asked

“Can I be honest?” you said low

“Yes please.”

“I like American music.” You said laughing.

“AMERICAN MUSIC! Mickey you have got to be kidding me!”

“I’m sorry Roger I don’t know why I’m just obsessed with America for some reason.”

“Mickey we are probably living in the best era of music in Great Britain and you choose America. It’s simply not patriotic of you.” 

“Well, I’m not from the UK Roger! Also, I could’ve sworn you put on more of an accent than you really have on ” you said laughing

“I did not! Don’t change the subject either!”

“Yes, you did you said ‘Amerikah’ like you were the Queen herself.”

“Ok maybe but come on Mickey!”

“I like music from here too, the first song I heard that was in English was the Beatles.”

“And you think American music is better?!”

“Just purely because I have this fascination with America. And I do like music from here and Spain and Italy it has nothing to do with-”

“Alright alright alright, but I’ll show you some real music.”

He pulled into the Italian restaurant and of course, it was named “Giovanni’s Italian Restaurant” You almost rolled your eyes. 

“Let’s go,” he said with a smile as he opened your door for you.

Taglist <3: @johnricharddeacy

[riarevenge]

What do you mean by the genuine self love tag

i think you mean the “a lot of genuine self love died when fillers/procedures got normalised” bit sooooo lemme try and explain

baso when i see girls who have had a lot of work done of any kind talk about self love and loving yourself as you are, it falls a bit flat. i should love myself as i am but you changed your whole face to match what would make you love yourself the most? there’s that trend rn on tiktok where people show themselves beforehand and then it goes “16 missed calls” ans then they show themselves after to show what someone missed out on. and half of them have, yes, glowed up, but it’s thru surgery and procedures. every surgeon i’ve been to for consultations have told me that when you start fixing one thing, 99% of the time you’ll start fixing everything. because then the attention diverts. oh i got a bbl so i look amazing but now i want my tits done. i got lip filler so now i want botox and an eyebrow lift. the threshold gets lower and lower. genuine self love has to be worked on. i think people think one day they’ll wake up and be 100% comfortable with who they are, and they won’t. it’s not how that works. you have to work on that. and sure, you can work on it and decide “i can’t get over how me nose looks” and then you get it done and that’s it. but if you’re changing multiple things about about yourself and then claiming you’re so confident, i think it means you do have to maybe evaluate if you’re now connecting your self love and confidence to those changes. when the kardashians speak about confidence or feeling themselves, for example kylie, it’s like well yeah. you paid for your entire appearance? and i think people skip over the fact that kylie must’ve had some very serious issues with her self esteem to literally change her entire face and genuinely practically her entire build/body? everyone’s too wrapped up in how good she looks and that she can do whatever she wants that they’re not asking themselves why someone would do so much to look so different. and again, i’m not shaming surgery. i have a surgery im deffo gonna do to fix my tits (however i mean there is an issue lol) and in a dream world where i wasn’t financially responsible for anyone but myself, i’d get a bbl on the spot just to cheat code myself lmaoo. but i also have severe issues with eating disorders and body dysmorphia so of course i want to change plenty about me. if i got those surgeries and procedures i wanted tomorrow, and then posted up going oh im so confident oh self love is so important tl learn to love yourself and your body, i’d be sort of lying to yous? Again, get all the surgery you want, you’re still beautiful and your beauty is still valid. but i just don’t think genuine self love is PURELY love and confidence born through literally changing every aspect of yourself.

[mangolesbian-archive]

interesting developments today........ idk after posting those selfies today my self esteem is weirdly high rn? like... this is the first time where i’m genuinely looking inward to myself like “oh shit. maybe my perception of myself is way more distorted and worse than what i actually am irl”. i know seeming validation externally has its downsides, but idk it helps put things in perspective. like, i genuinely believe that yes, i AM a well liked person who knows a lot of people. i’m not as awkward or bumbling as i imagine myself to be

idk it’s weird. i’ve had a lifetime of really bad dysmorphia where i couldn’t even look at my own reflection in the mirror sometimes, but now i see myself and it’s like “wow. i am a great person worthy of validation and respect. and i am also kinda cute too.” i’ve NEVER genuinely thought of myself like that, unless i’m saying it ironically or in that “fake it till u make it” way

and i hope this is the part where i’m on the path to making it. i’m so afraid that this moment of self love is gonna be fleeting, like next week i’m gonna go back to loathing the body i’m in. i hope if i ever feel bad about myself again i can look back to this moment i’m writing this post and remember that i AM an awesome person

[lydiamartinsscream]

01: Do you have a good relationship with your parents? My mother yes my dad lol

02: Who did you last say “I love you” to? @personashadowego @once-upon-a-fuckery @lemon-boie

03: Do you regret anything? a lot

04: Are you insecure? yes everyone is lmao

05: What is your relationship status? single

06: How do you want to die? anything but drowning

07: What did you last eat? ur mom

08: Played any sports? track, field, tae kwon do, gymnastics and swimming

09: Do you bite your nails? yea

10: When was your last physical fight? like 8 years ago

11: Do you like someone? kinda??

12: Have you ever stayed up 48 hours? yes it’s awful

13: Do you hate anyone at the moment? yes

14: Do you miss someone? i miss the idea of them

15: Have any pets? MY BEAUTIFUL ANGEL DOG WHO I WILL DIE FOR

16: How exactly are you feeling at the moment? i’m tired

17: Ever made out in the bathroom? yes

18: Are you scared of spiders? FUCKING ABSOLUTELY

19: Would you go back in time if you were given the chance? no i like having rights

20: Where was the last place you snogged someone? A FUCKING CAR BACKSEAT HAHAHA

21: What are your plans for this weekend? pack and head back to college :(((

22: Do you want to have kids? How many? idk

23: Do you have piercings? How many? two i had three

24: What is/are/were your best subject(s)? italian/music and probably english tbh? i’m doing a makeup diploma rn which i’m good at but that’s not a subject in school

25: Do you miss anyone from your past? my grandmother and also i miss when my nana was happy and able to do things

26: What are you craving right now? A GOD DAMN BOYFRIEND

27: Have you ever broken someone’s heart? yep

28: Have you ever been cheated on? oh BOY

29: Have you made a boyfriend/girlfriend cry? yep

30: What’s irritating you right now? club penguin taking forever to load

31: Does somebody love you? i fuckin hope so

32: What is your favourite color? YELLOW !!

33: Do you have trust issues? to the max

34: Who/what was your last dream about? i don’t know to be honest??

35: Who was the last person you cried in front of? my mother

36: Do you give out second chances too easily? i used to but not anymore

37: Is it easier to forgive or forget? forget

38: Is this year the best year of your life? no

39: How old were you when you had your first kiss? 17

40: Have you ever walked outside completely naked? no i have body dysmorphia cynthia

51: Favourite food? rice

52: Do you believe everything happens for a reason? sure

53: What is the last thing you did before you went to bed last night? probably responding to dms

54: Is cheating ever okay? yes for example if ur in an abusive relationship

55: Are you mean? no and people over exaggerate anything i say and it pisses me off so if that could stop that would be nice

56: How many people have you fist fought? like 10???

57: Do you believe in true love? yes but it can happen w different people

58: Favourite weather? SUNSHINE

59: Do you like the snow? no i have arthritic hips

60: Do you wanna get married? yeeeee

61: Is it cute when a boy/girl calls you baby? it really depends on the person i usually fucking hate it

62: What makes you happy? yellow

63: Would you change your name? yes

64: Would it be hard to kiss the last person you kissed? LOL THEY TOLD ME THEY WERE MARRIED AFTER SO YEA

65: Your best friend of the opposite sex likes you, what do you do? nothing? just be a decent person lmao.

66: Do you have a friend of the opposite sex who you can act your complete self around? most tbh

67: Who was the last person of the opposite sex you talked to? my good friend from college whom i adore

68: Who’s the last person you had a deep conversation with? my friend from college

69: Do you believe in soulmates? yes !!

70: Is there anyone you would die for? yes! @personashadowego @lemon-boie @once-upon-a-fuckery

70 horrible questions ... Fuck it

01: Do you have a good relationship with your parents? 02: Who did you last say “I love you” to? 03: Do you regret anything? 04: Are you insecure? 05: What is your relationship status? 06: How do you want to die? 07: What did you last eat? 08: Played any sports? 09: Do you bite your nails? 10: When was your last physical fight? 11: Do you like someone? 12: Have you ever stayed up 48 hours? 13: Do you hate anyone at the moment? 14: Do you miss someone? 15: Have any pets? 16: How exactly are you feeling at the moment? 17: Ever made out in the bathroom? 18: Are you scared of spiders? 19: Would you go back in time if you were given the chance? 20: Where was the last place you snogged someone? 21: What are your plans for this weekend? 22: Do you want to have kids? How many? 23: Do you have piercings? How many? 24: What is/are/were your best subject(s)? 25: Do you miss anyone from your past? 26: What are you craving right now? 27: Have you ever broken someone’s heart? 28: Have you ever been cheated on? 29: Have you made a boyfriend/girlfriend cry? 30: What’s irritating you right now? 31: Does somebody love you? 32: What is your favourite color? 33: Do you have trust issues? 34: Who/what was your last dream about? 35: Who was the last person you cried in front of? 36: Do you give out second chances too easily? 37: Is it easier to forgive or forget? 38: Is this year the best year of your life? 39: How old were you when you had your first kiss? 40: Have you ever walked outside completely naked? 51: Favourite food? 52: Do you believe everything happens for a reason? 53: What is the last thing you did before you went to bed last night? 54: Is cheating ever okay? 55: Are you mean? 56: How many people have you fist fought? 57: Do you believe in true love? 58: Favourite weather? 59: Do you like the snow? 60: Do you wanna get married? 61: Is it cute when a boy/girl calls you baby? 62: What makes you happy? 63: Would you change your name? 64: Would it be hard to kiss the last person you kissed? 65: Your best friend of the opposite sex likes you, what do you do? 66: Do you have a friend of the opposite sex who you can act your complete self around? 67: Who was the last person of the opposite sex you talked to? 68: Who’s the last person you had a deep conversation with? 69: Do you believe in soulmates? 70: Is there anyone you would die for?

[meetthehannah]

tw: suicide, rant, anger, body dysmorphia, starving, not good vibes

I feel like I am about to fucking explode lets go over the deets yes this is my diary

best friend tried to kill themselves

wrist probably sprained hurts like a bitch have to wear a brace

have articles i have to read for research paper havent had the time

have had the time today BUT everyone decided to be very loud today and i had no where else to go because a huge fucking storm fucked up the power of two thirds of the city

no alone time bc its a long weekend which means everyone is always going to be home

wanted to go to event with some people but they bailed on me last minute and i already paid for my ticket but didnt want to go alone

it seriously feels like whenever i try to plan something it doesnt end up happening its so fucking annoying, i dont even plan that much i just usually do whatever they want to do because i like spending time with my friends but this event was something i really wanted to do before i left for grad school

before that one of those same people, a good friend of mine, commented on how much i ate and how even her and the other person only ate so much of the one entree they shared and oh my she would feel sooooo bloated if she ate that much and SHUT THE FUCK UP ARE YOU KIDDING ME WHYYYYY THE FUCK ARE YOU COMMENTING ON HOW MUCH I EAT HOW IS THAT EVER APPROPRIATE

this comes after one of my supervisors at work asked me why i gained so much weight

body dysmorphia and insecurity vibes rn

why the fuck did i get both of these comments after starting a new workout routine and not snacking nearly as much i fucking hate people so god damned much

literally im going to start starving myself again fuck everybody

i want to YELL and SCREAM and PUNCH WALLS but i cant do that with everyone in the house so like yeah thats great

imposter syndrome setting in about grad school i dont feel like i should have gotten in it all feels like a big mistake and theyll discover im not qualified and kick me out because ill do so terribly

to top it all off and the reason why im posting this here and not talking to my therapist is because my schedule will probably not allow me a therapy session this week so i feel like im going fucking crazy

i have to go on a trip with my mom which will be...interesting

i feel like exploding jfc

like literally if a car hit me and killed me rn i would not be sad

[silkyandsurveys]

survey #2

may 17,2020

Do you have big hair?

my hair is so weird like some days it’s really puffy and big but other times it literlaly looks like i have 5 strands of hair that are glued to my scalp

Do you like cookies n’ cream ice cream?

i love ice cream but that’s like not a good classic flavor like no thanks

Have you ever went hiking?

yeah a couple of times it depends on the situation if it’s fun or not

What is your favorite shape?

i like hearts but i also like pentagons for some reason

Do you have pockets in anything you are wearing currently?

yes my sweatpants tehe

Have you ever tasted your own tears?

when you cry like i do it’s literally inevitable

How loudly can you burp?

she can be loud af ngl

Do you hang your clothes outside or put it in the dryer?

always put in the dryer!! my mom normally does my laundry but like if i’m doing it everything is going on the dryer no exceptions

Do you like the letter q or the letter z better?

definitely q i legit hate z it’s so awkward

How many different letters are in your full name?

17 tehe

Do you like making bets?

yeah if i know i’m gonna win

Do you like to play hopscotch?

i actually never did or have any memory of doing it

Have you ever had a ‘falling’ dream?

yes and it’s actually the worst but the sleep you get afterwards is so good

Do you do anything weird in your sleep?

i used to sleepwalk and sometimes people tell me i talk in my sleep

Do you need to pee?

i actually do lmao

How tall are you?

5’6 normally

Do you like duct tape?

ew no it always for some reason has hair in it but also the stringy bits on the side me my wanna die

Are your legs hairy?

i shaved the other day but they’re a little prickly

Do you like cheese-its?

yes but they’re so dry they suffocate you lowkey

How many times can you jump in jumproping?

a lot but i don’t have a count obvi

Do you eat meat?

yeah unfortunately i really wish i could stop but it’s so difficult as someone who lives in a household of meat eaters and a 17 yr old

When was the last time you got a haircut?

omg i think december??? it’s been so fucking long

Do you have bangs?

no ew if i did it’d be so gross

What was the last beverage that you consumed?

soda typical

How long are your fingers?

i swear shit morphs on my body cause of body dysmorphia but i think compared to my hand as a whole they’re quite short and girthy but not too awful bad

Do you like the beach?

i generally like the idea of it and it always sounds a lot nicer than it ever is. it’s never my first choice for vacation or day trip. but jumping in waves is my SHIT!

Have you ever built a sandcastle?

yes i think most people have

When was the last time you left your house?

today to get dunkin

Do you like bumper cars?

they’re fine but they kinda snap ur neck

Do you like the carnival?

omg yes more specifically like fairs or amusement parks if that’s in that same category but yes

Do you have any stuffed animals on your bed?

no i put all of my stuffed animals in storage a long time ago even though it makes me sad

Do you have any orange objects in your room?

jeez i don’t think so. my salt lamp is more of a coral or pink orange?? but other than that no which is kinda sad cause i really love orange

Is there a mirror in the room that you are in?

yes only my vanity mirror

What color is your comb?

my comb is hot pink

What color is the book nearest to you?

the closest book to me is a journal? it’s black but i also have my manifestation book which is gold and black

What was the last CD that you listened to?

oh jeez i think one direction take me home? i had to use my sisters car for a while in january after my car was in the shop and that was playing straight for a week and that’s it lol

Can you lick your elbow?

no my tongue is so short

Can you walk in high heels?

yes i used to dance which gave me good balance

Are you sick?

no?

Did you ever watch Barney as a child?

yes i def did it wasn’t my favorite show at all

When did you pull out your first tooth?

pfh i can’t remember when maybe 6?

How old were you when you said your first word?

i have no clue i think really early

Can you sit the way people sit when they meditate?

i think? is it just criss cross apple sauce ?

Have you ever done yoga?

yes i used to go to dance camp and my dance teacher really liked yoga for some reason and we’d be forced to do yoga which was like extremely hard for our age LOL but good memories

What about pilates?

no but i wish ugh it seems like a really good exercise

Have you ever had a pet rabbit?

no i’ve thought about it but we used to have a guinea pig and it was lowkey awful

Did you ever want to drive an ice cream truck?

uhm no only a mail truck

What was the first cd that you ever bought?

one direction? maybe

Do you like the autumn?

it’s my favorite season rn so yes

[grunge-optimistic]

23/03/2020. thoughts. 11:50pm

i jus need to get everything out, cause man, jus. wow.

so, he and i are different... or at least we were once pretty alike. i remember how he used to say that ever since he and i started dating he doesn’t like anyone @school, like the way looked, and ofc that made me happy because it made me feel special, and i remember how he’d say that i’m his ‘wife’ and all...: and i’m the type of person that doesn’t really like the whole marriage thing but idk, with him it jus made sense ya know, anyways, so when i’d talk about his and my future he’d say “well..::: what about your dad and cousin” or something like that-

i can actually feel it, he doesn’t and hasn’t felt the same for me as he once did, and idk what to do about it, it honestly feels like i’m just there for when his bored / has time to send a quick message but then has to do stuff ..... or fucking ignore my msgs for an hour or so and jus scroll on tiktok- like omg, anyways, but it jus also feels like i’m there to fulfil his sexual needs and it feels like that a lot.

he and i had a huge argument tho, and we kinda broke up, and i said “well do you wanna break up” because he really disliked/hated the person i have become apparently so he decided that he and i are best friends and reserved for the future... he and i are inclusive tho, jus i wish i could talk to him, i can’t do that anymore, anytime i do tho, like yesterday, he jus says “oh this is the bitch i remembered” or “why is she back” and stuff like that, just cause all i was saying was that his always busy, and he was saying that “well i won’t sit on my phone all day like a fgt” but i have strict parents, who are barely @home, i don’t communicate with my family so that’s exactly what i end up doing, so i said “well it’s not my fault your lucky” and stuff like that... cause honestly it isn’t, i don’t know what else to do...

yeah, well, i have a strong feeling that since i was the one that lost his virginity, that he has a connection with me or whatever and that’s why his still with me, that and also, the sexual stuff... i honestly, truely don’t think there’s any other reason.

he’s not all bad tho, just, i don’t think his staying with me for the right reasons. like he doesn’t need me or want me, he ignores my msgs, he jus lied to me saying he was asleep and i ruined it even tho he was jus active on insta? i know that cause i was jus gon send him a post cause he was active. he left me on read on imsg, he doesn’t really snap me.... like wtf am i still doing staying with him.... oh wait, he may not be inlove or love me but .... i love him. god dang it, i hate myself for that.... cause even after all this, he always makes everything back to me, like everything is my fault. and ... i still fucking love him.... wtf man.

like i know that if i was gone or he and i stopped being together, he wouldn’t care or get affected, oh besides the sex....

i jus miss how things used to be... it was better, and i just, i miss it, and i don’t think things will go back to how things were.

cause right now, when he talks to me, i honestly don’t feel any passion or whatever coming from his side....

and i can’t tell him anything i know he wouldn’t wanna hear cause that’ll start an argument. i jus, you see why i needed to jus write up all this, fuck, i hate myself so much. oh and

another thing, he knows how i feel about him talking about how other chicks are hot, yet he does it anyways, and i’d always show that i’m down, unintentionally tho cause i’d say “yeah i’m good, don’t worry” or whatever ... but today, he said that i looked like this chick, but man. she is way hotter, like i’m ugly asf, i mean, i hate how i look, oh and yesterday we were talking about birthdays and margot robbie has the same bday as me, and his like “margot robbie has the same birthday” and i’m like “yes she does” his then like “she’s :)))” meaning she’s hot, and also, i was diagnosed with body dysmorphia, eating disorder, anorexia. it jus shows that i really hate myself, he knows that, yet he does it, he says that it’s okay, but man, i don’t do that to him i feel like i should be treated like that too...: i don’t constantly show him or tell him about the people that are good looking, mainly cause i only find him good looking but uhm... he finds others good looking, hot, sexy, attractive....

i jus, i don’t know what i should do... because i am so stuck, i don’t wanna break up with him because it’ll hurt me more than it hurts him..

oh and another thing, i do so much for him, pay for uber rides- to and from his house it’s like $20 per week and he doesn’t even pay a dollar - i pay em, and i risk my own safety just to be with him yet he can’t seem to like ride to my house or something because it’s too far, like wtf man which means i walk 30mins- whenever i don’t uber....

jus what the hell am i going to do ... i can’t tell him any of this, not even a single bit, because since he and i are best friends & reserved for the future- means i gotta act like everything is fine- like how i used to be before he and i dated .... ngl, since his fallen outta love with me, he wouldn’t care.

but man, when he and i are together that’s when he pays somewhat attention and yeah, but then most of the time he and i aren’t together so... yeah- i just don’t know. and i’m hurting and i have no one, i used to have someone who i could talk to and now i’m left with no one at all... yet again, i’m not surprised at all... like i was surprised i had someone for three-four months-ish...

anyways... those are just the things in my mind rn, and i just am confused so please do help, i have no one who can help me.