#oh to be clocked by other gay people who also do customer service

[thepoisonroom]

NOTICEABLE positive change in the utilities company lady's mood once she found out i had a girlfriend

[superpaperclip]

Fuck it here’s the start of a Javid fake dating AU.

Ch. 2 | Read on AO3

***

David had been sitting at the dining room table when it started. Sarah sat down across from him with a grin on her face, which David knew meant trouble. He tried unsuccessfully to ignore his sister and focus on his work for about five minutes, during which she didn’t move, before giving up.

“What do you want now and why can’t it wait until I’m done with this paper?” David asked with a huff, lowering the computer screen slightly so he could stare at his sister. Sarah just smiled wider.

“Well, it can’t wait because I know you, and you’ll just start another paper after you’re done with this one. Now as to what I want, I’m telling you you’re coming to a party this weekend. No arguments. The only things you do are go to class and do your work. College is supposed to be fun. You’re supposed to meet people. You haven’t gone on a single date since the semester began. You’re going to this party and I won’t take no for an answer. Besides, it’s hosted by one of Katherine’s friends, Bill. He’s rich, so all the important students will be there.” 

Months, and even years, later, when David thought back on that moment, the two of them staring at each other across the dining room table, he had no clue why he said his next words. Maybe some spirit or supernatural entity possessed him, or he momentarily lost his mind. Indeed, he didn’t register what he had said until the words were out of his mouth.

“I already met someone.” Fuck, he’s in trouble. Now Sarah will never let this go. He’s too focused on trying to come up with a believable lie to register Sarah’s questions, which were undoubtedly along the lines of who the hell is he and why didn’t he tell her sooner and when does she get to meet him. 

“Uhm, well, he… works at… that coffee shop right by campus. And his name is… uh…“ David desperately tries to think of a common name. “Jack! His name is Jack. And that’s all you’re getting from me. Now go away so I can finish this paper.” David resolutely stared at the computer, but Sarah unsurprisingly didn’t put up a fight, opting to leave the table instead. David’s gut told him this was going to backfire and blow up in his face, but he ignored it. Surely nothing too bad could happen, right?

--

Jack was fed up with his job at the coffee shop. More specifically, he was fed up with the customers. He was fed up with having to put on a fake smile every day and deal with rude, disrespectful, and downright mean customers, which seemed to be in abundance lately. Jack was counting down the minutes to the end of his shift when a girl burst through the doors, an annoyed look in her eyes. Jack internally sighed, then plastered his awkward-winning Customer Service Smile on his face, preparing to be berated again. Before he could launch into the standard greeting, the girl spoke. 

“This is the fifth coffee shop I’ve been to today. Please tell me there’s someone named Jack working here, for my brother’s sake.” Jack’s mask slipped, his confusion evident on his face. He didn’t know who this girl was or why her brother’s… health?... rested on his existence. 

“Uh, I’m Jack. Can I help you?” Belatedly, he wondered if he should’ve lied or used a fake name. At hearing his name, the girl’s eyes lit up, and she clapped her hands.

“Are you the guy who’s been dating Dave? God, I’m gonna kill him. He said your coffee shop was close to campus! I’ve been walking around all afternoon looking for you.” Jack was even more confused by the sudden shift in her mood, and her apparent belief that he was dating someone named Dave.

“Wait, what?” The girl gave him a puzzled look, as if he was an idiot and she hadn’t come barging into his shop claiming he was dating some guy with absolute certainty. When he didn’t show any sign of recognition as to what she was talking about, she huffed and launched into an explanation.

“I’m Sarah. Jacobs, I mean. Sister of David Jacobs. He told me you two were dating, and that you worked here, though he underestimated the distance from campus.” Ah. Her brother- David- must have told her to get her off his back. Jack had enough experience with pushy people to do what he would’ve wanted any of his fake boyfriends to do- lie. Jack just hoped he could be convincing enough.

“Oh, yeah, Davey! He’s told me about you, I just didn’t recognize you. Wait, he… he said we were dating? Really? I didn’t… well, it’s only been a few dates, and I didn’t want to put a label on it, but… he really said we were dating?” Jack hoped his performance was convincing enough, and would give him some leeway to not know anything much about David. He gave Sarah a half-smile and rubbed the back of his neck, pretending to be bashful. Sarah, on the other hand, seemed to buy it. She was almost giddy with joy, and something that seemed like pride. 

“My brother has finally met someone! Oh, by the way, are you coming to Bill’s party this weekend?” Jack fought to keep his face neutral. Going to a party with someone he hadn’t known existed five minutes ago? No way. But still, he decided to let Sarah down easy. She seemed like a nice girl. Let this brother of hers deal with the blowback.

“Well, Davey didn’t say anything. And depending on when it is, I may not be able to go. I have some things to do this evening. But I’ll see if I can.” That seemed to satisfy her. She thanked Jack for his time, told him she hoped to see him at the party, and left. As Jack finally clocked out and walked home, he thought back on what was probably the weirdest interaction he’d had at his job, and hoped it wouldn’t come back to bite him in the ass.

--

David was once again being stared at by his sister from across the dining room table while trying to do his work, and once again, ignoring her wasn't working. Sighing, he closed the textbook and stared back at his sister, who had a smug smile on her face.

“You never told me how cute he was. And you greatly underestimated the distance.” Now David was confused. HIs eyebrow furrowed as he tried to make sense of what she said, having already forgotten their earlier conversation. Sarah threw her hands up when it became evident he didn’t know what she was talking about and muttered something under her breath, probably about how clueless he could be.

“Your boyfriend, Jack! Average height, cute, works at Universal Grind Coffee Bar- which, by the way, is not ‘right by campus’. I stopped in to meet him. And I invited him to Bill’s party this weekend. Don’t think you’re getting out of that just because you have a date.” David went pale, his eyes wide. Sarah had actually tracked down some poor guy named Jack who worked at a coffee shop near campus? He needed to apologize, and apparently thank him for playing along.

“Uhm, I gotta… go… do… something.” He stuttered out an excuse as he shot up from his seat and out the door. Jumping in his car, he punched the name of the shop into his GPS, hoping there was only one. Luckily, there was. When he got there, he rushed inside, desperate to apologize. He went up to the nearest employee.

“Excuse me, is Jack here? I really need to talk to him. My name is David.” The employee looked him up and down, confused. 

“I’m his coworker, Spot. His shift just ended. Why? Who are you? What do you need to say to him?” David ignored the questions.

“When’s his next shift? Please, it’s important.” Spot regarded him again. 

“He’s working tomorrow. His shift starts at noon.” After thanking Spot, David left the coffee shop and got back in his car, opting to just sit in the parking lot. What had he gotten himself into?

--

Jack was feeling good when he walked into work the next day. That changed very quickly. As soon as he got in the door, he took stock of the customers already there. His gaze stopped on one particular guy sitting at the counter. His leg was bouncing and he kept fidgeting with a straw, twisting it around his fingers. He looked familiar, Jack thought. Maybe they had a class together. 

Jack was trying to figure out why he recognized this guy as he put on his apron and planted himself by the register when the guy came over.

“I’m sorry, are you Jack?” Was he someone else who was sent by the David guy? Seriously, what were the odds of two attractive strangers asking for him by name two days in a row? He internally grimaced.

“Yeah, I’m Jack. Who’re you?” Jack immediately regretted how sharp his tone was when he saw the guy wince.

“Um, I’m David Jacobs. My sister, Sarah, told me she came to see you yesterday and I wanted to say that I’m sorry. I made up a fake boyfriend with a fake name. I never imagined she would actually go looking for you. Uh, him. But thank you for playing along. Oh, she also said she invited you to a party. Please don’t feel obligated to go. I really don’t want to inconvenience you any more than I already have. Again, I’m sorry.” Honestly, Jack was starting to feel bad for the guy. So he motioned for David to follow him to the back of the shop. Jack sat in a booth that was tucked into the corner, and gestured for David to sit across from him. When he did, Jack asked the question that had been bugging him.

“Why?” David looked to Jack in surprise, obviously not expecting the question.

“Why what?”

“Why did you make up a boyfriend?” At the look on David’s face, Jack worried he crossed a line, but David launched into an explanation.

“Sarah’s always been on my case to get out of the house more, even while we were in high school. One of the ways she tried to do that was by setting me up with different people, hoping I would date someone. After the hundredth girl, I told her I’m gay, but she just started setting me up with boys. The last straw was the party she told you about. I don’t know what came over me, I just blurted out that I was seeing someone. She pressed me for details, and I panicked and said he worked in a coffee shop by campus and his name was Jack. I never meant for you to get caught up in this. I’m so sorry.” Jack thought for a minute before responding.

“Maybe this unfortunate situation can be beneficial for both of us.” He had a mischievous glint in his eye.

“What do you mean?

“Well, my friends are always teasing me about my lack of a partner. So whaddya say we get back at everyone? Your sister and my friends. Here’s what we do: we go to this party, pretend to date for a few months, then have a horrible breakup. That’ll get them off our backs.” 

David sat there, contemplating Jack's offer. Jack could almost see the gears turning in his head. Eventually, he stuck his hand out to shake.

“Deal.”

***

[urmomsstuntdouble]

if i may,,, the passage from ur nyo nordics fic that starts with “Hey, I saw your set,” He said, talking only to Maija. “Maija, right?” and ends with “Don’t remind me,” Astrid said, her cheeks paler than usual. "... tyvm

you may! here ya go: 

“Hey, I saw your set,” He said, talking only to Maija. “Maija, right?”

“Yep, that’s me!” She said, putting on a voice eerily similar to Tuli’s customer service voice.

“Well, you’re really funny, and I was wondering if you might like to go out with me sometime.” Maija’s face went a deep red, and her fists clenched at her sides

“Um, thanks, but-”

“Have you ever heard of a straight woman with a rat tail?” Ylva asked, and threw her arm around Maija’s waist. “If you have, I’d actually like to meet her.” Neither of them noticed, but Runa seemed to wince, pulling her arms even tighter around herself. Her cheeks had gone red, but the door hadn't been open long enough for it to be attributed to the cold.

“Oh, shit. Sorry, uh, you don't look gay.”

“I’m-” Maija sputtered, “Ylva’s my girlfriend. But I’m sure you’re- You’re very sexy to some. Thanks- Thanks for coming to my show, bye!” Tuli felt bad for laughing, but Ylva clearly didn't. She cackled, in fact, as they filed out the door and away to their car.

so this starts off with like. shitty people thinking they’re entitled to your attention, right? but also sort of talks about denmark’s character a little bit. she’s uncomfortable, both because the guy is being rude and because she’s gay. denmark really needs everyone to like her, and that’s why she’s so loud and extroverted n stuff, but she also has no idea what to do with negative attention and doesn’t know how to handle situations that don’t go according to her plans. She freezes up here because he does like her, but not in the way she wanted him to, and she doesnt really know how to deal with that. She kind of needs Ylva to get back on her feet, which ylva finds hilarious, seeing as it’s part of maija’s job to come up with stuff on the fly. meanwhile runa is Not Okay, cause it’s teenage angst o clock with this one and she’s having a sexuality crisis. though i didnt touch on that as deeply as i could have, runa’s struggling with her sexuality, and even hearing anything about gay people makes her freak out because she has no idea what’s going on with that, personally. as for the joke about straight women not having rat tails, i think it has a definitive source but i have no memory of what that is. possible sources include the japanese teacher at my high school who had a side mullet/ponytail situation going on. it was just. a very gay hairstyle. 

“But you should really get rid of the rat tail,” She told Maija, and Tuli couldn't agree more.

“It’s a part of my look!” Maija whined, running a hand through her hair. Though she had employed copious amounts of gel to preserve a coiffed look, it was mostly falling apart by now.

“Yer look is…You should change it,” Astrid said snidely.

“What’s wrong with it?” Maija asked, walking backwards so she could face Astrid, although she kept one hand firmly in Ylva’s.

“The rat tail, f’r one. Yer hair’s a mess, clothes never match, and-”

“We can't all be models, Astrid.”

gotta have some good old fashioned bickering about pointless crap in your nordics fics. the rat tail doesn’t really fit with norway’s aesthetic, ya know? and of course we must have some slight animosity between sweden and denmark for canon accuracy but mostly because a bit of a rivalry between them makes for a funnier story. 

“She’s got a point,” Ylva said.

“You’re all bullies!” Maija whined, turning back around. “I can't believe my own girlfriend would betray me like this.”

“I said what I said,” Ylva said, seeming unbothered, though she yelped when Maija attacked her with a side hug.

“You guys are so loud!” Runa whined, hands now in her pockets.

“It never ends,” Tuli warned, though her tone was jovial, “You’re lucky Ylva’s already graduated.”

“Don’t remind me,” Astrid said, her cheeks paler than usual.

despite the weird dude from earlier, maija is still riding high from her set. and also criticism? what’s that lol, denmark is perfect already, wym? anyway then she attacks ylva in a sort of “gotcha” way, mostly because she has rebuttals but isn’t the best at coming up with things on the fly. and like yeah i know this trait seems awful for a comedian to have, but think about it. denmark is a showoff, but also kinda makes a fool out of herself a lot, so it’s just like “hey i should be stupid for money instead.” anyway, when it comes to Runa, same things as what i said before. she doesnt know how to handle the idea that she’s not alone in her potential queerness, and that’s sort of manifested in yelling at the others. and her use of the word “loud” has a double meaning here, because yes they do all have loud voices, but they’re also very loud in a gay sense (see that whole thing that just happened with maija and ylva, and that astrid and tuli are married). but tuli, our narrator, only picks up on the volume aspect of it, at which point, we learn that Ylva was not a great person when she was in college. 

[the-amazing-spider-bi]

the coffeeshop au no one asked for (now with a part 2)

“So, May, what do you want?” Madison asks the customer.

“That’s not even close to my name,” the other girl says, but she grins anyway. Weirdo. “One Iced Coffee for Zoe, with a little caramel twirl thingie, please.”

“Sure, Zack,” Madison says, and grabs her cup with a little more strength than necessary. Zoe snorts. She probably has some sort of insult kink. She and Kyle are going to have the worst sex ever.

(In which Madison does not have a crush on the cute hipster girl who keeps coming to the coffee shop, she and Kyle are definitely not competing for the girl’s attention, Cordelia thinks they are all model employees, and all of the above is a lie.)

Read on ao3 I Following prompts by origami-teacup 

october.

“He fucking folded her napkin as a rose, and then gave her to her and said, I’m sorry, I didn’t have time to buy you flowers,” Madison groans before she kicks an unfortunate plastic cup which has absolutely nothing to do with this.

“Wow, the guy has got so much more game than you,” Queenie says, and Madison snarls at her, the bitch.

They’re sitting in the back alley behind the coffee shop, Madison being on trash duty again. (At Coven Café, waitresses get to throw the trash out every time they’re uncivil to a customer. Obviously, that means Madison gets stuck with it every night.)

(She should have stayed at fucking Starbucks.)

Anyway, they’re sitting on the bench in the smelly, gross back alley. Like every bit of having a service job when you hate pretty much everyone you meet, it sucks, but at least here no one is bothering them. It’s not even six p.m. yet, and already the sun is setting behind the city buildings and lamp posts are lighting out all over town. Queenie tightens up her coat while texting whoever she’s dating this week. Madison is smoking through a pack of cigarettes she only got yesterday to keep warm, because she wore her sluttiest skirt to work today, for reasons totally unrelated to the cute quiet girl who keeps coming back to the coffee shop every afternoon, of course. (According to Queenie, if Madison quit smoking, she could probably leave C.C. altogether and survive on her acting gigs, but what do you want, a girl loves her bad decisions.)

“He’s so fucking lame. How long do you think he spent last night watching Youtube napkin-folding tutorials? Like, god, Kyle, way to show her how gay you are.”

“Yeah sure, Madison. Hey, by the way, I like your new outfit, how much money did you spend on that?” Queenie asks.

“Shut up, it’s completely different,” Madison says. She did not buy these clothes to impress the cute girl, because that would be ridiculous and pathetic, just like she does not think about how the girl’s hair looks like liquid honey when the sun shines on it through the window, or how pretty her dimples are when she laughs open-mouthed at one of Kyle’s bad lines, or how much better her lips look when she smirks at Madison’s snide comments.

“Of course.”

Madison keeps up the sullen silence though, before Queenie sighs, finally pockets her phone and says, “You know what would help your situation?”

“Hum, hello, did I ask for your dumb advice?”

“If you actually showed her how gay you are,” Queenie says. “Also maybe - maybe -  stop insulting her.”

“Hard pass,” Madisons says, and she throws her cigarette butt to the ground, crushes it under her heel, and leaves with a brisk pace.

“Bitch, just because you’re Los Angeles trash doesn’t mean the street is too!” Queenie yells at her retreating back. Madison doesn’t even turn around when she gives her the finger.

Queenie sighs.

november.

When she clocks in today, Kyle is already here, leaning on his elbows pressed against the wooden counter, flirting with her. Her, who leans on her elbows too, close to him, chuckles and blushes and hides her face behind chestnut brown hair.

Madison rolls her eyes and hip checks him as she goes by. “Go away, you’re not even paid for these extra hours.”

“Maybe I just really love making coffee,” he says. “Model employee, three months running, yay.”

When the girl smiles up at him, she crinkles her eyes. Madison pretends to gag.

“What a nerd,” she complains when his back is turned to fiddle with the coffee machine or whatever. “I swear to god, it’s like working with an overexcited puppy. He’s that close to pissing all over our hardwoods.”

“I think he’s nice,” the cute girl says. “I mean, isn’t that the whole point of independent coffee shops? Having friendly waiters, not being rushed by twenty people who want their Venti Caramel Macchiato?”

“Nah, the whole point is attracting all of you lame hipsters who want the Starbucks experience but not, like, to support capitalism or whatever,” Madison replies. “By the way, the homeless guy up front called, he wants his twenty layers of jackets back.”

The girl looks at her like she shot her puppy. Madison shrugs. “What? I’m just being honest!”

“Madison, stop bullying our best customer,” Kyle jokes, trying to come back to the counter. (She sneers at him. He is wise enough to be afraid of her and stay back. So he is not completely stupid then.)

“So, May, what do you want?” she asks the other girl.

“That’s not even close to my name,” she says, but she grins anyway. Weirdo. “One Iced Coffee for Zoe, with a little caramel twirl thingie, please.”

“Sure, Zack,” Madison says, and grabs her cup with a little more strength than necessary. Zoe snorts. She probably has some sort of insult kink. She and Kyle are going to have the worst sex ever.

She’s already onto the next customer when Zoe sees the shape of the caramel twirl on her order, laughs, and shouts thanks, Madison! from the other end of the room. Madison rolls her eyes at her and totally doesn’t blush.

(Kyle pesters her for an entire hour the next time their shift coincide for her to tell him what she drew on that poor girl’s cup because something you’ve probably never seen in your entire, pathetic life was not clear enough for him. It’s only when Zoe comes up to her and says her thanks for the capussyno that he gets it, and no, Madison does not laugh at that terrible, terrible pun.)

december.

“Hi Madison, did you have a nice Christmas?” Zoe asks as Madison is crouched under the counter looking for vanilla extract to serve that twink who only drinks decaf half-soy half-low fat milk extra whip cream double shot vanilla lattes.

She stands up so fast she hits her head against the cabinet and lets out a slew of swear words that would make her mother ashamed. (Or proud. Madison’s family isn’t exactly filled with role models. She’s a chainsmoking wannabe actress who works at the only coffee shop whose owner pities her enough to accept her constantly insulting customers. Of course she’s got mommy issues.) Her head hurts, and her dignity too.

“Madison, are you hurt?” the other girl asks, with real worry in her voice, because she’s a saint. Kyle and her sure deserve each other.

“No, everything is fine, I’m peachy,” Madison bites back with as much venom as she can muster.

It takes a few seconds for her vision to work again, once the blurriness of tears passes. When that happens, Madison discovers that sometimes in the last minute or so, Zoe bent over the counter to look at her closer. She puts her hand on top of Madison’s head, fingers ghosting over the spot where she hit herself, digging into her hair slightly. Her face is so close now, brown eyes blown wide open, pink lips slightly parted, thin eyebrows raised, and this is usually the point at which Madison finds something disparaging to say about her, like how measly her face looks, but her brain shortcuts again, thanks for that, and the only sound to get past her is a shrill whine.

“Shit, do you have a concussion or something?” she says, and steps back, wriggling her hand. As Zoe moves away, Madison’s big sapphic meltdown stops. Mostly. “I don’t know anything about medicine, I’m a History major, I should look for a doctor-”

She suddenly remembers that she’s Madison Montgomery and doesn’t get tongue-tied around anyone, ever. “Stop, you weirdo! I’m fine, god, you’re not my mom.”

“Oh,” Zoe says.

“Yeah,” Madison says. There’s a very awkward pause before she speaks up again. “So, I’m gonna serve this guy his stupid drink.”

“Yeah, sure.”

She gives her one last look as she walks away, and Zoe is tugging her sleeves above her pale hands, looking down in a way that makes silky hair cover most of her face. Madison finally makes that decaf half-soy half-low fat milk - something, calls for Behold, what kind of a name is that, ugh, who looks at her like he’s deeply unimpressed.

“Oh honey,” he says. “That was physically painful.”

“Excuse me, I don’t take advice from people who wear cardigans,” Madison snarks. “So shoo, Doctor Love.”

He scoffs at her and rolls his eyes but leaves anyway. When she gets back to the front, Zoe is gone already, taken care of by Queenie, who’s very unapologetic about it all. Madison bangs her head against the wooden counter.

january.

This time, Madison doesn’t even try to intercede when Kyle rushes to serve Zoe the instant she appears with a friendly expression, a gush of cold wind and a few snowflakes. She is done with this whole crush affair. Done. She is not going to embarrass herself striving to get Zoe’s attention anymore. New year, new her. She got the number of this very hot guy during a New Year’s Eve party, with long blonde hair and a smile like a shark’s, so she has no reason to pine anymore when she’s got herself a regular booty call. Queenie told her she was an idiot, but what does Queenie know about anything, really?

She watches as Kyle scribbles down a pick-up line on her to-go cup in a way he thinks is subtle and passes it to Zoe. She fully expects her to chuckle, again, as she always does when he uses one of his dork moves. It would make for a perfect picture: seven a.m., the sun rising, the snow falling softly out their window, your classic boy-meets-girl story.

Instead, Zoe says, “Oh, Kyle, that’s very flattering, but uh, you know,” and bites her lip.

Kyle looks at her blankly. “Uh, what do I know? I don’t know anything.”

“It’s true,” Madison calls from where she’s sitting at one of their booths. “He knows nothing.”

(So, yes, she was supposed to stay silent and let it be. How can she let opportunities like that pass her by though? She has a reputation. A reputation as a queen bitch.)

Zoe jolts at the sound of her voice, and Kyle glares, which, kudos to him, Madison didn’t think he was capable of that. The other girl moves a bit closer to him and speaks softly like that doesn’t make Madison lean closer to listen, which once again is not a desperate move, alright, she might have given up on Zoe, but she still feeds on drama.

“I’m gay, Kyle,” Zoe says. She gives him a small, pitying smile.

Kyle’s mouth falls apart on a silent oooh. Madison’s brain goes blank. Again.

She probably did get a concussion from that hitting-the-counter thing after all.

“Oooh,” Kyle finally lets out. “I see.” To his credit, he is back to his normal, cheerful persona already. “Do you want Madison’s number then?”

Madison chokes on her coffee and starts coughing desperately. Zoe turns back to look at her like a deer caught in the headlights, then at Kyle, then at her again. They both start to shake their heads no, but Kyle grins at them like he’s the Chester cat and he caught a canary and that canary happens to be Madison and she doesn’t know where the fuck she is going with that metaphor but he jots her number down on a napkin anyway.

When Zoe runs away with her to-go cup and Madison can process words again, she stomps towards Kyle, intent on saying something scathing to destroy his ego, but instead asks, “How did you even get my number?”

february.

“Madison Montgomery, are you the one drawing dicks on the chalkboard? The chalkboard outside the shop? The chalkboard outside the shop that we installed yesterday to promote our seasonal drinks?” Cordelia asks.

“What? No,” Madisons scoffs. “Why are you asking me this? Is this some kind of profiling issue? This is clearly biphobia. We’re not sex-obsessed skanks, you know.”

Misty snorts, because she’s a terrible manager.

“Madison,” Cordelia warns and does that thing when she looks at you and you feel like she sees all the dark, terrible secrets you’re hiding.

“What? It’s not me! Do you even have proof? Are you going around asking people-”

“Hi guys,” Zoe says as she comes in, her face almost entirely covered with scarf and beanie and hair except for her reddish nose. Cordelia smiles at her more warmly than she ever smiled at Madison, which is bullshit, since she’s been Madison’s boss for months and she’s known Zoe all of three weeks. (Although, maybe being Madison’s boss for months is reason enough to look disapproving all the time.)

She steps up to the counter and the other waitress on duty starts making her usual order without any prompting. It's still an Iced Coffee, despite it being freezing cold outside, and Madison doesn’t know how she didn’t figure out the whole lesbian thing sooner.

Then again, maybe she’s not the brightest bulb around her. Yesterday, when Zoe smiled at her as she carried a tray full of empty cups to the counter (seriously, it’s so easy to bring them when you’re done drinking, why are people like this), she tripped and almost broke it all. Queenie is still giving her shit about that.

“Hey, that’s a nice dress, Zoe!” Misty says and smiles her special Misty Day smile that is like staring directly into the sun.

“Oh, thanks! I got it on sale at a…” Zoe hesitates and glances at Madison worriedly. “A thrift shop.”

Madison cackles at that because Zoe is making it all too easy for her to mock her (the others waiters call it flirting, which is why they are all single and desperate). Misty speaks up before she has an opportunity to talk though. “It looks good on you! Doesn’t it, Madison?”

Her mouth opens and closes without a sound. She lets out: “It doesn’t come from the Gap, so, it’s always an improvement.”

“Aw, thanks, Madison, that’s very big of you,” Zoe says with fake cheer. “Really liked your penmanship from this morning out here too. Obviously the proportions were kind of wrong, but self-portraits are tough, aren’t they?”

Cordelia twirls around to face Madison with an I knew it expression on her face, Misty cracks up, and Zoe slips away from the shop with a winning smile. Well played, Benson.

(Later, the waitress will harass her about sexual tension and nonsense, and Madison will stomp and say why are you obsessed with me, and the staff will find something else to yammer on about.)

march.

Zoe is back in the corner booth at C.C., reading some boring History book with a ridiculously long title about witches, whose name Madison would usually never remember since she’s not a nerd, yet somehow knows because Zoe is really passionate about it and keeps calling it Six Women of Salem: The Untold Story of the Accused and Their Accusers in the Salem Witch Trials instead of That Nerdy Salem Book Thing like a normal person, and unfortunately, Madison listens to her. It takes three hours before Madison can clock out, and feels like three years. This is not unusual, as she always hated service jobs. What is unusual is how, even though it is only two p.m., she doesn’t hurry out of the shop to go literally anywhere else and instead slides next to the other girl and peers over her shoulder.

“Ooh, gory shit,” she says, and Zoe doesn’t even turn around, which is ungrateful since Madison looks fucking stunning today, just leans backward on Madison and hums.

Madison finds herself with a shoulder full of chestnut hair and mango shampoo smell. Her heart starts beating like a drill. It’s really annoying. She can’t even be angry properly, though. The other day Queenie told her she got almost tolerable now that she’s in lesbians with someone, which, no.

She sighs dramatically until Zoe is done with her chapter and lays down her book to pay full attention to her. By which she means roll her eyes at her and makeout. When Queenie hurls napkins at them so that they stop being so fucking disgusting, ugh, Zoe traps Madison’s hand between her thigh so she doesn’t give her coworkers the finger.

When her boss Cordelia comes in to kick them out, they have sex at Zoe’s place (twice) and talk about her next audition around Thaï takeout afterward. They even agree to watch The Tudors so Zoe can complain about historical inaccuracies and Madison can get turned on by the hot people and shut Zoe up accordingly.

All in all, it’s not so bad.

Now with a part 2!

[austinpanda]

Dad Letter 031421

14 March, 2021

Dear Dad--

Happy Pi day! Also happy change your clock forward an hour and be grumpy about it for a few days day! I’ve set all the clocks in the house, the two in the bedroom, two in the kitchen, two in the living room, one on my left wrist, and one in my car. The computers and the phones and the TV all took care of themselves, although I’m still unused to the concept of my TV being in connection with the internet, but it is. I came to realize just yesterday that my TV has buttons on the remote for Netflix and Amazon Prime Video, which means, if I’m paying for either service (and I am paying for Amazon Prime), I can watch that stuff, which is coming from the internet, and not a broadcast TV signal, right there on my TV.

Sometimes I have to write it all down so it makes sense to me: The internet comes into our house through a cable. That cable hooks up to a modem, which also produces a wi-fi connection. In other words, the modem broadcasts a connection to the internet, and any of our devices that can grab that internet connection and use it can be set up to do so. Now the TV is receiving the internet wirelessly, and that’s how we can watch movies from Amazon Prime Video with just the modem and the TV. And if that wasn’t enough, my DVD player can also catch wi-fi signals, so my DVD player also has buttons for Netflix and Amazon Prime Video on the remote. Technology is beginning to move so quickly as to leave me occasionally befuddled at the magical properties of the shit I already own.

So, this past week was a teensy bit more consequential than others of recent memory. I had an initial interview for an auditor job at our casino, and I believe that interview went very well. Some of the interview questions did take me by surprise. The first question he asked once the interview began was: What makes you a wandering, bamboo-eating bear? I believe the intention was intended to discover whether he could make my head explode and cause me to soil myself with fear using only a single question. Then it occurred to me that he was asking about my email address, pandaronin@gmail.com. The ronin were wandering samurai, and the panda is a bamboo loving bear, so...aren’t you clever, Mr. Interview Guy! I then had to explain that I was a bearish fellow, and among bearish fellows, it’s frequently to our advantage to include an indication of bearishness in your email address. I didn’t bother explaining that I added the “ronin” part because I like being an enigma.

The rest of the interview went well, and seems to have qualified me for the next step, an in-person interview. This is at the Hollywood Casino Hotel and Raceway in Bangor. Apparently they do harness racing there. I would be a person in charge of compliance! I’d make sure the casino was adhering to the special federal laws about money changing hands, as well as the state laws and the corporate guidelines. Any time a customer wins $10,000 from the casino (or loses the same amount), the law requires paperwork. It’s all about detecting and deterring using casinos for laundering money. It’s not a very sexy job, but it’s in a sexy setting. Who knows what kind of perks may come with a casino job? Maybe I’ll get an occasional free show, or free meal in one of their restaurants, or a chance to pet the horses (which I assume are required for harness racing). Also it seems this is the only job I’ve ever had where there’s at least a chance that someone will push a cart with a million dollars on it past my desk while I work.

Stacy and I had a brief chat yesterday, and I fear I was grumpy, even though we had just received our stimulus bucks just the previous evening, causing us to be temporarily unpoor. It makes sense that this would be a time of good cheer, but...not really! We’d waited for it for months. It seemed so...modest, compared to the size of the crisis. America is so oddly reluctant to help the needy, and so oddly quick to decide that someone else’s need springs from their personal failures. When someone poor receives financial help, we’re even quick to judge whether they’re spending it responsibly or not, based on the contents of a shopping cart, without knowing a thing about their circumstances. Okay, off my soap box.

So Stacy started a chat with me yesterday, possibly thinking this would be one of the few times when I wouldn’t be preoccupied with poverty and my job hunt and my Covid concerns. Well I sure showed her! It is, indeed, nice to get $1400 from the government to help keep bills paid during a pandemic. But that amount buys me 3-4 weeks of keeping my head above water, during which I’m still quarantined, still at the end of my retirement savings, still mostly unemployed, but for the online work I’m doing for Amazon, still not vaccinated and unaware when I will be, etc. It’s like this money just took all the wolves at the door and shoved them back a few feet.

It reminds me of the time when, a few years back, the Supreme Court legalized gay marriage. It was a time of great celebration, but all it did was piss me off. Why? Because I saw it this way: The law just recognized that gay people have the right to marry. This means being able to marry is my right. If it’s a right, then it’s a right that I’ve had this whole time. I don’t have a new right to marry my husband. All that’s happened is that the law is no longer preventing me from actually enjoying the use of this right. So thanks for the permission, assholes. Oh, and now I have to get married again. Because the first time I got married, it wasn’t legal, and I couldn’t afford to travel to a state where it was, so my wedding and marriage existed completely outside the law. And what are the chances that Texas would have approved of same sex marriage in my lifetime if they hadn’t been forced to? So yeah, sometimes when the “good” thing happens, like money from the government, I don’t feel exultant, I just feel like, “Well, now I’m breaking even finally. For a few weeks, then I go back to being fucked again.”

But I don’t wish to turn into Mr. Sour Grapes. The $1400 from the government would also be a bigger deal if I didn’t feel like I was about to get a job. (I think the casino will hire me. And they should, because I’m awesome, and I genuinely enjoy fiddly, esoteric paperwork.) So having said all that, yay, we just got $2,800 from the government, and we’re temporarily non-impoverished! It’s still too risky to see our friends face to face, but I have this month’s stupidly large kerosene and utility bills covered. It’s well-timed in that regard. And I could always blow the casino interview. That’s not my desired result, but it would sure make the stimulus check more meaningful. Well, except that just sounds like I’m being bitter again. Not so! It will be nice to worry less about income for a spell, and even if (when) I get the job, it’ll be a while before my first paycheck gets deposited.

A couple of final notes. We just found out in the past couple of days that there are two things Maine does not have. First, Maine does not have billboards. I lived here for a year and a half, and I never noticed the lack of billboards. I just checked, there are a few billboards in Maine, but they have to advertise state shit, like “Attend the University of Maine!” and they can’t exceed 25 feet in height. So no billboards to tell you where the next hotel, or gas station, or world’s largest ball of twine is. The second new thing we discovered that Maine doesn’t have is Red Lobster. Maine, the state where all the lobsters live, does not have any Red Lobster restaurants. I expected to find no Dairy Queens, and instead I found that Old Town has a Dairy Queen, but there’s no Red Lobster closer than Massachusetts.

Can’t believe it’s already 10:30 a.m. here in the Eastern time zone! Oh, Daylight Savings Time, you scalawag! Since it’s Sunday, and since I have my next interview on Tuesday, I’m not going to bust my ass doing Amazon work today. Instead, I’m going to show Zach the movie Children of a Lesser God, because he’s never seen it, and we’re going to enjoy what will probably be the last nice-sized snowfall of the season. It’s snowing lightly now, and it’s beautiful!

Keep tha faith! All my love to you both!

[bestlivesexwebcams]

CamGirlHookups – Ready To Hookup?

We like cams, and we like girls. We love hookups, so we decided to check out Live.CamGirlHookups.xxx, because why the hell not? After all, we’ve given plenty of our time to less worthy sex cam sites, so we sort of owe it to ourselves to see what else is out there, right? Also, this is what we do. So, we don’t really have a choice, do we? Don’t cry for us, Argentina.

It’s clear to everybody why a lot of dudes are jealous of our perverted profession. Getting a fat paycheck to sit around and test out the latest and greatest sex toys, visit virtual hooker sites, and play with ourselves all day isn’t a bad way to make a living. We’re just saying, you won’t be hearing us complain anytime soon.

At the same time, we’re not going to sugarcoat this shit for you or the sites and toys we review either. The way we see it, nobody is going to get a good lay if we all put up with bullshit. So, we serve as the Bullshit Obliterators – breaking down false advertising and clever marketing ploys one feature at a time. You may not have liked school, but you’ll want to pay attention to this class, lest you be lead down the primrose path of empty promises.

Who, What, When, Why, How?

So what’s this Cam Girls Hookup shit all about? Well, it’s a lot like the majority of other live sex cam sites we see, with the exception of only a few minor details. Try not to get distracted by the 57-year-old “model” with circus tits who always seems to get featured on the main page. Perhaps this site is trying to attract the funkiest of the freaks out there, but then again maybe they just have something for everybody and we’re judgmental assholes. We’ll go with option number one.

Meanwhile, losing track of the models you like is super easy to do when the site has over 1,600 live cams on and poppin’ at any given time like Cam Girl Hookups does. Thank fuck for the “Recent” tab that lets you go back to the topical searches you were previously curious about. Apparently, these hoes are online and ready to go around the clock like the fuck machines they are. We did notice, however, that a few of the models were featured on other web cam sites we’ve reviewed before, so there’s a little overlap in the talent pool with this one. We aren’t sure exactly who that’s bad news for – Cam Girls or the other guys.

How Does This Work?

When you get to the site, be sure to check out all the little bells and whistles before committing to anything. While some of the features are free to use, the good shit requires a Premium membership. Currently, there are over 60,000 users, so Cam Girl Hookups is no slouch in the industry. Not all users are paying customers but the girls like to be tipped nonetheless (duh!), so have yourself and your wallet prepared for that awkward exchange.

Before all that bullshit though, make sure you check out the “New Models” tab at the top so you can move past those worn-out sluts who seem to be everywhere. While you’re there, click on the “Calendar” tab to see what special shows are coming up. They have this thing called the “Squirtamania” that’s well worth a trip to the site just to see it. Like all the other live sex cam sites out there today, Cam Girl Hookups offers its debauchery in several languages. That’s right foreign fucks, they got the goods for you guys too.

In addition to their multi-lingual user-friendliness, the way this site works is relatively easy. Select your language, click on a girl you like, do a search, or peruse a pre-determined category, and then become a virtual pimp for one of these desperately horny hoes. Anyone who has a yellow “gold show” banner on the bottom of their picture will do nasty shit for paying members. That may be a little incentive for some guys to do more than simply register for free.

Who’s on the Site?

Our next question was, “Yeah, but are the “gold show” bitches even worth our time and money? What about the “non-gold show” hoes? Are they disgusting or just lazy or what? We had to check it out; not necessarily for you guys, but because we were curious for ourselves. Who the fuck wouldn’t want to host a gold show and get paid to fuck? Something doesn’t make sense here.

It turns out the majority of girls on Cam Girl Hookups are pretty badass – friendly, frugal, and fuckworthy for the most part. We think it’s because this site is hosted by CumTV, the famous porn conglomerate that has its enormous hand in the pot of just about every respectable cam site in the industry. Apparently, sites affiliated with such esteemed names have to have their shit together. Some of the models on Cam Girl Hookups are obviously too cum-dumb to figure that out. Sucks to be them.

Among the riffraff that seems to exist on every one of these live sex cam sites is a whole gamut of hot honeys willing to do whatever you tell them to do. While there are a lot of guidelines enforced to regulate the behavior of the creeps, play by the rules and you will have your pick of the following fuck bunny categories:

Anal Sex and/or Ass Play

Asian, Ebony, Latina, White girls

Babes

BBW

Big tits

Blonde, Brunette, Redhead

Bondage

Co-eds

Couples

Curvy

Foot Fetish

Granny (must be why circus tits got a job here)

Group Sex

Hairy Pussy

Housewives

Huge Tits

Lesbian

Mature

Medium Tits

Muscular

Non-Nude

Petite Body

Porn Star

Pregnant

Shaved Pussy

Small Tits

Smoking

Teen 18+

Toys

Trannies

Like other live sex cam sites out there, Cam Girl Hookups also lets you do an advanced search to find a specialized category that fits the bill, should their pre-designated categories not get it done for you. We are always big fans of that convenience shit. Oh, when using the main page to just click on pics that stimulate your dick, don’t forget to hit refresh at the top of the page from time to time. Doing that helps you discover new or recently signed-on hoes, and that’s never a bad thing.

We did notice that Cam Girl Hookups has nothing for gay customers (minus a little innocuous girl-on-girl action). Perhaps we should have paid a little more attention to the website’s name before we assumed there would be content for every sexual appetite on the planet. Regardless of their nomenclature, we are docking them 1 point for being homophobic douchebags. Note to Cam Girl Hookups: It’s easier to change your name than change the game.

What’s in It for Me?

Despite your sexual orientation, being a member, or even a visitor, of this site is quite a treat. It’s super simple to use, easy to get registered on, completely secure, and free as long as you don’t want any special treatment. Either way, you get to watch a bunch of desperate skanks move mountains to make you cum. You get to choose whether you want to pay for more or stop where you are. You get to chat with the girls and decide if there’s any chemistry before the party starts. It’s a lot like a real date, minus the expensive dinner bill, wasted time, and strings attached.

Don’t be alarmed by the fact that the site asks for your credit card info right off the bat. From our experience, the card doesn’t get charged unless you want it to. It’s better this way because you can quickly pick a gold show when the time is right and not have to waste a good boner on entering credit card info. Paying for a membership cuts out all that junk, and includes benefits such as:

Live Amateur and Porn Star Performances

Direct Control of Live Private Shows

Unlimited Access to Video Chats

High Definition Cam Shows with High-Quality Audio

Cam-to-Cam Virtual Sex Experiences

Ability to Save Your Faves

Alerts When Your Saved Faves are Online

Authority to Rate the Model and Her Performance

There is only one type of membership on Cam Girl Hookups, but that should be more than enough to get you what you want considering how many perks come with it. But, when we had problems putting in our info for registration, we got to experience the site’s customer service team. Let’s just say they’re not the most helpful group of people in the world. Then again, we’re relatively certain they don’t get a lot of important calls from dudes with rock hard boners and maxed out credit cards.

The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly

We know how hard it is to find fault in something that makes you cum, but that’s why we’re the professionals. Every single live sex cam website out there has something about it that we don’t like. It doesn’t bother us to be the judgmental pricks we’re accused of being either. How else are any of us going to get these people to step their game up?

PROS

Earth Girls Are Easy – There are bitches from all over the planet on this site, with about 1000 (give or take a couple hundred) online at any given time. We never saw a category with less than 100 girls in it.

Cheap and Easy – Registration takes 5 minutes and membership is affordable.

Mind Your Business – Nobody has to know you are a member of this site because it is 100% secure and completely private. Make your profile name whatever you want and simply select an avatar to represent your appearance.

Define the Times – Nowadays, it’s uncommon to see a live sex cam site without lot of HD cams on board. Cam Girl Hookups is at least keeping up with the Joneses in that regard.

Can You Hear Me Now? – This site has some of the best audio we’ve ever heard, so even if your camera fucks up you can still hear her when she climaxes.

Feeling the Vibes – Some of the models let you directly control their vibrator on camera, but that takes a membership so don’t get your panties in a wad before you pay up.

CONS

‘Til I See You Again – Apparently, some of these skanks don’t have anything else going on besides fucking people through their computer. As grateful as we are for that, it’s bullshit to see the same bitch’s twat on more than one site. Just sayin’.

No Stalin; This Ain’t Russia – Gold Shows are paid for by the minute, so they can get kind of expensive when the bitch wants to stall your ass out for an hour.

Let’s Hear It for the Boys – Cam Girl Hookups has nothing for the boys who like boys, or for the girls who like boys who like boys for that matter. No Bueno.

Missing in Action – Some of our favorite categories were missing from the lineup, including: leather, stockings, tattoos, and piercings.

When Judgment Day Comes

Figuring out where these sites stand in comparison to the others we’ve reviewed is one of the hardest parts of the job. If we had to rate Cam Girl Hookups, and we do, then we would give it an 8 out of 10. That’s mostly because we had to dock them one point earlier for being unfriendly to the homosexual horndogs out there, but their semi-impressive rating has been given to them for several reasons. While this live sex cam site is very comparable to the others, it has one thing that the others do not: our money. We definitely prefer the 100% free sites, but who doesn’t? Apparently, you get what you pay for these days, and when you pay for a model on Cam Girl Hookups you get one hell of a show.

from Best Live Sex Web Cams http://www.bestlivesexwebcams.com/sex-chat-sites/camgirlhookups-xxx/