#oh to be a neurotic 16th century monk being cared for by my stoic partner who only let's himself relax around me........ anyway

[vampirewillows]

Hi! Rüdeger anon here!!!

Rüdeger's reaction at Andreas finding them at the library it very telling to me personally. He doesn't reject or distance himself from Mathieu or their relationship, implying to me that he might not necessarily feel guilt over their relationship, rather like you said fear over the consequences of being found out. That's not to say he's never felt guilty or the guilt might come in waves, (because I do think that in all likelihood he might) but I think what might actually worry him is the breaking of his vows rather than loving Mathieu. I also think the fact that monastic being separated from secular life is precisely why he is able to be in his relationship, and acess/understand his queerness. A lot of monks/priests/nuns do describe being "married" to God and I suppose in that sense there is a fulfilment and comfort if you are queer and part of the clergy, maybe not being able to be in a relationship with person, but being able to acess that same affection through God. I think Rüdeger would have a complicated but not entirely fraught relationship with his faith and queerness.

Personal hc: this is totally not projection onto a fictional character lmao. But I think Rüdeger could have OCD. Especially in regards to scrupulosity/routine/his anxiety. Someone needs to get him some St Johns wort stat!!!

I have a lot of thoughts/feelings about Rüdeger/Mathieu that I can't articulate rn but I'd love to hear more of your thoughts if you're willing!!!! I hope this isn't too much spam!!! ❤️‍🔥🕊️

hi! not too much spam at all, thank you for writing back! <3

I also think the fact that monastic being separated from secular life is precisely why he is able to be in his relationship, and acess/understand his queerness

good point!! i mentioned the monastery course i took, and as an atheistic (partially anti-theistic) queer person, it was during the first lecture that i really got why someone would want to join a monastic community (sorry if that sounds condescending, i mean it sincerely). like, it's entirely possible that if i were to have lived in a different era, i would've become a nun just to escape secular obligations of marriage/children/whatnot. obvi it would've been different for men vs women but still. and also co-signed on the rest of your points

re: ocd, i admittedly don't know much about it, so i'm sorry in advance if i say very obvious OR stupid things. but i'm curious if the daily schedule of monks, which would've by its nature been very repetitive/structured/consistent, would be helpful? like finding a sense of peace and stability in the knowledge that most days are the same. and that's another reason why the town riot is so hard on him - it disrupts these routines, displaces his place in the world, potentially triggers compulsive thoughts - hence why mathieu says he's "been deep in prayer" ever since they fled to the library. like he's going back to his routines as a coping mechanism (compulsively repeating the prayer, because something is wrong > if i do x y and z it can be fixed?)

sidebar since i went back to look at that scene again, it's so so sweet how, when andreas is encouraging him to sing to the others, he says "i believe in you and mathieu believes in you" :( they're in love your honour. in general mathieu being so comforting and gentle here gives me brainrot

if at any point you have more rüdeger/mathieu (or pentiment in general) thoughts i'd love to hear them! thanks again for sending these asks <3