#oh that's a good hashtag to block if you don't want to read my incoherent whining

[inkydoc]

brain is mean woe is me moodboard and a bit of incoherent rambling for this fine hour of past midnight

just... ignore me please, can't go to twitter anymore for this sort of thing :"D

i'm definitely tired, yes, but like... this is more than that. yesterday i spent an hour crying over nothing and basically not being able to stop, and yea i may not know the reason so i say it was for nothing, but very probably mayhaps it wasn't.

spent last week at home on pto, supposedly resting but couldn't sleep much so that didn't work out well either. nor did the boy's visit tbh, brain decided to spend our precious little time together just obsessing over a new game that someone mentioned in passing. dunno why i got so obsessed, could say for no reason since i don't know, but very probably mayhaps it wasn't.

and i'm trying my best to function, but the pain in my lower back is worsening by the day again, after a brief time of just kinda okay if i don't move funny, and i don't know why. yes, could say for no reason, but very probably definitely isn't.

mostly i just keep myself occupied but that doesn't work that well nowadays. can't focus, can't not focus, can't rest, can't relax, can't do anything right, and definitely can't get myself together enough to at least ask for help, so i'm just crying again for no reason. except that it very much isn't.

things were going well for a bit... or... were they? to be honest i don't know. i spent last year descending into a very dark place one emotional rollercoaster a time, by december ending up barely being able to talk and completely paralised from guilt and depression, christmas crying over being a burden and not eating, my birthday trying to not cry but failing, january completely miserable, february trying to at least get ready to get up, march just bracing myself, april getting things working again at the office, may and june jus plain surviving, and july slipping back down so far i couldn't even start to look for a way out yet. you could say that around february/early march i had like two weeks where things were sort of okay, somewhat, just a bit, or at least stable.

and i don't know if i'm doing it again, dragging people down with me, refusing help offered, being a burden where i very much don't want to be one. i feel like everything is slipping through my fingers again (still... constantly...) and i just can't do anything because i'm tired. just completely exhausted. it feels like eight months passed from this year and i barely moved forward at all, or if i moved i took a wrong turn somewhere and ended up going around in circles.

it's always the same shit with me and it's fucking annoying and i can't solve it alone, but don't know how or where to look for help either. mostly i just wanna tell myself to stop being a little bitch and get yourself together, but that doesn't help, not from me, not from others. i know for a fact that i won't be able to move just because i'm told to move, that cost a lot for everyone to figure out.

but then what? how the fuck am i supposed to solve this shit when i don't even know what's wrong?

running into one bad news after another isn't helping either. hard to have hope when things are just happening so much you blink and you miss a once-in-a-lifetime event.

yay. cool. amazing. very nice. awesome.

fucking hell.