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lovelyirony · 4 years ago

Note

Through flames and oceans (for the fic title)

u know. this was supposed to not go the direction it did. but it did.

People say they will do a lot for love. They will walk through flames, cross an entire ocean for love.

Bruce tells himself that that’s the stupidest fucking thing people say. He, for one, will not do that. There is also the unspoken reason of that love really isn’t in the cards for him.

Currently, he’s running away from his ex-girlfriend’s dad, General Ross, because he may or may not have done some experimentation and turned into a rage monster, but also revealed some state secrets.

Come on, can you blame him? Cosmo said twenty-year-olds need to accomplish something before they hit thirty. And he’s quite sure he just made the list.

But as for love, he is thinking about it right now because his ex-girlfriend found a very nice girl named Valkyrie, and they’re kind of set to have an engagement party, and “would you please come to the United States to help us celebrate?”

Betty is a wonderful woman, really and truly. And Bruce is okay with how their relationship ended, because it’s not like Bruce could come to family dinner and expect anything besides murder or maybe cold potatoes. And Betty deserved someone far better than him, and from the picture that was sent, it looks like Valkyrie is an amazing catch.

But there is the small matter of making it to the States without getting caught. He is on quite a lot of “no-fly” and “travel restrictive” protocols. This sucks, by the way. He had frequent flier miles saved up and everything.

It sucks, at least, until he remembers Tony’s number and calls it.

(Tony had given him his number, but sometimes he forgets that four and nine are two distinctly different numbers.)

“Brucie, baby! What can I get for you? Don’t worry, the government hasn’t been able to tap my phone calls since I was seventeen and mostly joking about finding out where their secret weapons storage is.”

“Betty’s having her engagement party, and I’m invited. I kind of need a ride home.”

“Where are you located at, right now?”

“Buenos Aires.”

“You lucky son of a bitch, god I miss it there. You having a good time?”

“When I’m avoiding government agents, yes.”

“Hm, well i’m sending a new employee of mine to go and get you. Big guy, probably Swedish.”

“You don’t know?”

“I don’t presume if someone’s Swedish or not, Bruce. I’m a terrible person, but not that terrible.”

“I...I don’t follow your sense of humor.”

“No one does, that’s why celebrities call me avant garde and ahead of my time.”

“Good to know. What’s your new guy’s name?”

“Thor.”

“Are you...are you fucking with me?”

"Darling, you’d be having a much better time if I was.”

“I don’t like the energy we’re manifesting here,” Bruce deadpans.

Tony snorts. “Okay, hippie. He’ll be there by tomorrow morning. Just stay tight where you are, sugar.”

Thor is a gigantic man. He parts crowds like it’s what he was meant to do, and maybe it is. Bruce stares up at him.

“Hello Dr. Banner,” Thor says, smiling gently. “You are Dr. Ross’s friend, right?”

“Um...yeah. I am.”

“Excellent. I’m a friend of Valkyrie’s, is it okay if I go ahead and fly out to the airport nearest their house?”

“Uh, is Tony okay with that?”

“Of course. And we can stop at your house if you need anything.”

“Oh, I don’t have a house. Or an apartment. You would not believe how much the US government hates my credit score.”

Thor chuckles a little bit, leading him back to a nondescript car.

“Right this way.”

Thor is cool as a cucumber on the outside, as they’re driving. He’s mindlessly tapping on his phone as Bruce stares out the window.

Inside? Oh, Thor hates Val for this. So much.

so, you didn’t think to send me a picture of dr. banner? just the address?

lmaooooo called it. betty owes me something now. fuckin nerd. just ask him out.

no. we still have to bypass american security

which you are “old hat” at. or did i forget that you nearly almost charmed the pants off of one of the airline people?

we don’t speak of that.

relax. stark’s taking care of it anyway.

The airplane ride home is uneventful, thank god. One of Tony’s jets awaits, and the pilot is very surprised to see a man who ranks number four on America’s Most Wanted List to be there.

“You...you know Tony?”

“And you know what an NDA is,” Tony announces over the intercom. “Bruce, welcome. Mimosas are premade, in stock. Sit back and enjoy the ride! Thor, you do what you gotta do to make sure Bruce stays safe. Enjoy the bridal shower!”

The pilot is a bit apprehensive. But mostly okay. Bruce promises nothing’s going to happen, he’s just going to drink tea and catch up on news about the current state of things.

Bruce gets bored with finding out that things are still terrible, so he talks to Thor.

“So...are your parents just really into Norse mythology, or did they know you’d come out a huge guy who has the potential to probably stop Ragnarok?”

Thor chuckles, the laugh rumbling and deep.

(Okay, that’s hot.)

"My parents’ names were Odin and Frigga. You could say they were traditionalists when it came to my brother and I.”

“You mean...?”

“He embodies the name a bit too well for my taste, but yes.”

“Oh. Wow.”

“Yeah. Let me tell you about the time we accidentally crashed a fashion week thing...”

Bruce laughs a lot about that story. Thor’s laugh is majestic, and they sit a little bit closer.

By the time the plane lands, they’re great friends and Thor reaches over Bruce in the baggage area and wow that man has very defined muscles.

Not that that’s important. No, that’s like. Not important at all. So what if Thor is very well-muscled and maybe this will play into Bruce’s intrusive thoughts/daydream thoughts at later intervals? Does not matter. At all.

(Oh god the man smells like salty ocean air Bruce has got it so so bad. So Bad.)

Tony greets them at the landing pad with a wide grin, eyes lighting up.

“Well, don’t you two make the happy couple,” he teases. Bruce turns red. This does not go unnoticed.

“Bruce, honestly, you run away from government and my friendship, and this is what gets you--”

“A bridal shower? To get me home? Yes,” Bruce says, cutting in not-at-all smoothly. “Now, where are Betty and her bride staying at?”

“Oh, they’re staying at the cutest little bed and breakfast for their bridal shower. Rented out the whole thing--well Pepper did, it was our wedding gift to them, and of course I mean Pep’s wedding gift, because I have something else planned-”

“Please tell me that you do not have a house bought for them,” Thor says.

“Complete with a laboratory and gymnasium,” Tony says with a wink. “I’m kidding, they already have a house. I just kind of kicked them out for a week while I remodel their entire kitchen. Val gave me the colors, I was surprised that she has taste.”

“If she hears you say that, she’ll kick your ass.”

“Which is why she won’t,” Tony reminds Thor. “Now, let’s get to unpacking. Bruce, I’m getting you some good shampoo, holy shit your hair sucks.”

“Thank you Tony, I love and value our friendship and our kindness towards each other as well,” Bruce deadpans.

“Oh come on, you have to look good. It’s your ex’s wedding party!”

“You make us sound so dramatic,” Bruce says with a snort. “We broke up. Big deal.”

“You and Betty...?” Thor asks.

“Yeah, but it’s fine. We were dating, and then I pissed off her dad, who happens to be a general. I mean, also the government. But mostly her dad.”

“Wow.”

Thor’s type shouldn’t be feral scientist. But it is.

They’re led inside, and Tony bids them goodbye.

“Duty calls,” Tony says airily, waving. “Make yourself at home, don’t put coffee grounds down the disposal or I will kick you out. Rogers is still nursing his wounds.”

“Noted,” Bruce says.

“I drink tea,” Thor answers.

Bruce shares a look.

“You too?”

“Yeah, I prefer it over coffee most of the time.”

Bruce smiles.

“I think we’re going to get along.”

They have a couple of days until the wedding party, and Thor has never seen New York. Bruce is fairly sure that no one will even see him on the CCTV footage as long as he’s walking next to Thor, so he deems it good enough to go and get a bagel.

Thor is a very gentle man. That’s a good quality.

He smiles at a little girl, who is staring, open-mouthed. Even gives her a little wave. Bruce grins.

“You like kids?”

“I do. They mostly just want to have fun, want to see what the best of the world is. I think we all need that occasionally.”

“I’ve never thought of that,” Bruce confesses. He takes a sip of his coffee.

“I love watching my cousins,” Thor continues. “The way they grow and figure it all out, it’s rewarding. What about your family?”

Bruce freezes.

“Um. I don’t exactly have a family.”

“Then you’ll just have to meet some of my cousins,” Thor amends, smiling as he sips his drink. “You’d like them.”

“I’d like that,” Bruce says, grinning. “What’s next on our New York agenda?”

"I told Loki I’d visit some stores for him and pick up some items he’s been wanting.”

Have you ever seen a sales associate from Chanel be terrified at your presence? No? It’s worth it.

Bruce is kind of concerned.

“I...are you...?”

“My name is Robert, uncanny similarities,” Bruce responds. “We both were born in Ohio.”

“Why is it always Ohio,” Thor mutters. “You reckon my brother would want this shoe or that?”

“Ooh, definitely go with the heel. I think that’s good.”

“Gotcha.”

Next shop is Dior.

This goes a bit out of hand. His whole line about being Robert with Incredible Similarity does not go as planned.

He and Thor are on a subway, currently running away from some authority figures and calling Tony.

“I was in the middle of learning drama about high society that I can use in my next romance novel, are you joking?” Tony hisses.

“You write romance novels?” Thor asks.

“Now is not the time to question that, I’m in the middle of making sure you get a car to your next stop. How well do you both know what a Chrysler is?”

“The building, right?”

“God, I hate you so much,” Tony groans. “No, um...it looks like the wing things that they give army people when they do something that I guess they think is cool.”

“Oh. Okay. Get in that car?”

“Yes. It’s gonna be red with silver detailing.”

“Tony, they’re gonna know it’s us.”

“Believe me, they won’t. Trust me.”

So as it turns out, it’s not the most ostentatious vehicle.

Because Tony pulls up in a lifted pick-up truck, painted a sparkling, neon green with bright orange wheels.

It is the ugliest goddamn thing Bruce has ever seen. Also the most effective.

Thor nearly shoves Bruce into the car, and they’re sitting too close, and Bruce probably shouldn’t be focusing on the fact that Thor’s hair is now artfully messy, but here he is. Doing that.

“So, sorry that before the wedding shower we’re being hunted down by the government.”

“Not the worst thing that I could be doing on a Friday,” Thor says with a shrug. “I think you’re just about the most interesting person I’ve met, Bruce.”

He smiles at him. Bruce’s heart skips a beat. He can’t tell if it’s because of the eye contact or the fact that they’re in close proximity. Maybe both.

“You wanna go on a date after all this?” Bruce blurts out.

He does. And as soon as he says it, he kind of regrets it because they’re in a car with glittery silver interior seats and he’s also in pants that have seen better days, and his hair is a Mess.

(Also self-esteem issues, but Bruce is used to that so he’s not counting it.)

“Like, after we get home or when the government gives up on finding you?”

“I don’t know. Whichever one comes first?”

“Technically, I think I count as army jurisdiction, and military budget is a fountain of money.”

“Ah. Then home it is. How do you feel about ordering in?”

“Mm, sounds good,” Bruce says, grinning. “You’re the best.”

“Well, I certainly try,” Thor says, grinning right back. “You wanna go to Betty and Val’s shower together?”

“Yes. Do we have to amend our ‘how-we-met’ story?”

“Not at all. Valkyrie used to run an underground fight ring. She knows the feeling.”

“How has that not come up in conversation?”

“We were kind of preoccupied trying to figure out what a Chrysler car looked like.”

“Oh, true.”

At the wedding party, Bruce and Thor are very happy. Betty and Val roll their eyes and laugh as they talk.

“Leave it to my dad to ruin everything,” Betty gripes.

“Well he didn’t ruin this party or my meeting Thor,” Bruce defends. “Besides, you know what happens if he steps a foot near you.”

Betty grins.

“You serious?”

“Can’t promise you’ll get your security deposit back, but yes.”

Betty pulls him into a hug.

“You’re too sweet to me.”

“Yeah, tell me that after he steps on the limousine.”

“Eh, I wouldn’t worry,” Thor says, grinning. “I think Tony has some sort of security feature worked in.”

“Oh, he does,” Val says. “He’s threatened to pull some of the contracts for safety gear. Won’t go through with it, but Ross can’t touch the wedding. Best gift ever.”

When the party gets late, Thor and Bruce are sitting out on the porch. Clean-up is happening, and they’re taking a break. Thor thinks that Bruce has never looked more beautiful in a rumpled yellow shirt, soft lights making his face glow.

“I’m glad I met you,” Thor murmurs, moving a stray curl.

“Really?” Bruce asks, smiling softly. “I think I’m glad I met you too.”

Bruce grins behind his door when they make it home. Thor had kissed him on the cheek, and while that wasn’t too big of a deal, it was a big deal to him.

“See you in the morning, dear,” Thor had told him.

He was going to be up half the night with that line running through his head.

A lot of people do a lot of things for love. Bruce still wouldn’t walk through flames, or swim across an entire ocean, but he’s starting to understand.

#lovelyirony writes #GOD. this was supposed to be sad and now it isn't only because i had a funnie thought #thorbruce #bruce banner #thor #tony stark #betty ross #valkyrie #OF COURSE I PUT A RAREPAIR SHIP IN THERE WHAT ELSE WOULD I HAVE DONE?#valbetty #idk what the ship is called but i like #thor is In Love #Bruce is Awkard but u know what. okay #go him #best line is about the chrysler

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number5theboy · 4 years ago

Text

ALRIGHT

THIS SEASON

IT WAS A LOT

my liveblogged thoughts under the cut

Episode 1

· Exhilarating! I love Ben

· Ben already has more lines in these first five minutes than he had in the first season

· This montage is good

· ALLISON BABY

· Luther yelled for Diego first I love this

· Diego is immediately in vigilante mode…….hot

· THE SHOT PARELLING VANYA’S FIRST WORDS

· Vanya is a mess we love to see it

· The shot of Five’s feet hitting the puddle? So aesthetically pleasing

· The battle scene is such a smart way of reintroducing everyone’s powers and their Final Form™ succinctly

· I love Hazel. So much.

· The Umbrella Atomic Explosion™ is SO clever I love it

· ALRIGHT UNCHARTERED TERRITORY LET’S GOOOOOOOOOOO

· Oh Hazel and Five make me soft

· Agnes and Hazel had a good life

· Hazel is so dead

· Welp that took no time at all

· “How many times did I say bulletproof briefcases?” ily mister five

· I love the Swedes they’re stupid

· Are we ever gonna know what Agnes made Hazel promise?

· Five is honestly world’s best character

· FUTURE HEADQUARTERS

· “Well the truth is out there!” abkdkblhlkbkhl

· I shouldn’t make quick judgments, but conspiracy nut guy is nice and I hope he doesn’t turn out evil, because I also through Harold was nice in the beginning

· Diego got himself arrested already what an idiot

· Asddjgflkflhfl Diego’s problems all put out

· Okay, set-up for Diego’s character arc of self-actualisation we love to see it

· Lila is awesome, but I hope they don’t make her crush on him excessively

· Diego and Five is an underrated duo

· THEY ARE SO BICKERY

· Five is jut gonna murder him sometime along the way

· I LOVE FIVE SO MUCH WHAT A LITTLE SHIT

· Oof Vanya is so cute in that outfit

· This scene perfectly encapsulates women having to listen to men

· VANYA’S GOING TO MILFTOWN Y’ALL

· I cannot tell white men apart, does Carl look like conspiracy nut guy or is it just me?

· As usual, Ben and Klaus are bad at everything

· “neither does your beard” icon Ben Hargreeves

· I support Ben pummelling Klaus

· I passionately hate the beard and love the coat

· Why do all the white men look alike, I thought this poker dude was a Swede

· I KNEW BEN WAS LYING

· “Pick a better time to self-actualise!”

· I still hate the beard, let’s see if it grows on me

· Yusuf Gatewood………….hot

· By far the hottest couple so far in TUA

· Please tell me she’s not still hung up on Luther

· Yes she is goddammit

· The moon thing is cute though, I can appreciate that

· Luther finally gets a well-soundtracked fight scene I love it

· OI THAT WAS BRUTAL HOLY SHIT

· Oh Luther is pulling a Five in feeling bad about his excessive violence

· I already hate his boss

· Raymond marry me pls

· Allison marry me pls

· OH MY GOD VANYA LAUGHED

· Sissy and Vanya have excellent chemistry

· Oh I see the deliberate parallel with Vanya, Umbrella Academy, you aren’t fooling me

· SWEDISH ASSASSINS BABY

· Do you think they’ll say a single word or?

· Literally the only way this show knows how to signal danger is through flickering lights

· Two bopping fight scene and Five hasn’t been in any of them

· Lila and Diego have no braincells between them it’s beautiful

· Alright, she knows how to fight……..supicious

· If this show wasn’t so hellbent on making Luther and Allison a thing, he would be best ace rep

· Lmao “I don’t give a shit” I love you Luther

EPISODE TWO

· ALRIGHT THE HANDLER IS BACK???????

· Okay so Hazel and Cha-Cha are dead but that pestilence still runs around??? Bruuuuuuuuuh

· Kate Walsh is still hot though

· AJ??????

· THE FISH SMOKES?!?

· God the Commission is such a capitalist hellhole

· Oh there we have 743

· H E R B

· Okay I am here to see her humiliated but please no redemption arc for her

· I love the deliberate parallels between Five and the Handler

· “Like a masseuse?” IDIOTS

· Oh Five is so lost and vulnerable baby boy

· Also the character developments in Luther!!!!!

· “Dad should’ve left him on the moon.” Five is, simply said, an icon

· Oof Sissy is SO cute

· I’m already not ready for Five to find Vanya

· Lila is so extra can we keep her

· Great now I have sympathy for Carl

· Luther’s new outfit looks so good on him

· OH LUTHER IS THE FIRST ONE TO SEE HER

· Well that was dramatic and didn’t lead anywhere

· Alright two episodes in, Civil Rights plotline hasn’t been fucked up yet

· WHAT THE FUCK IS THE SWEDE DRINKING SO CONSCPICOUSLY

· ELLIOTT IS THE NAME OF MISTER CONSPIRACY

· “cousins on my robot mother’s side”

· “Imagine Batman, then aim lower.”

· Lila is great I love her

· Diego is gonna throw both Five and Lila through a wall at some point

· Five is so ready to throw Diego under the bus

· Klaus Hargreeves, world’s worst cult leader

· ……….did Klaus built a cult on pop lyrics?

· Klaus and Raymond bonding I love it

· DIEGO AND FIVE BEST TEAM

· REGINALD IS THE UMBRELLA MAN

· OH LUTHER IS GONNA FIND HER HOLY SHIT

· THE BARN FROM THE PROMO PICTURE

· This scene is so good

· “You shouldn’t be the one to apologise.” I’M GONNA CRY

· Tom Hopper and Ellen Page are so good in this scene

· WHY DID HE LEAVE

· What the flying fuck is up with the Swedes

· BRO WHAT THE FUCK

· Is Five ever gonna bring up the fact that he was supposed to kill Kennedy or?

· Raymond is wasted on someone who doesn’t give him her whole heart

· What the FUCK, Klaus

· Why does she remember her name tho

· The violin starting up when she talks about the callouses on Vanya’s hands

· Brotherly bonding is my new favourite scene

· Do the filmmakers know that your scene can be suspenseful and well-lit

· Okay maybe baby Pogo is cute

· There is gonna be no Five murdering spree, the blood is solely from Pogo

· Next well-soundtracked fight scene

· The choreography of this!!!!!

· Man Reginald is a shitty dad before he even becomes a dad

· Diego cannot catch a break poor baby

EPISODE 3

· SHITTY WIG ON KLAUS ALERT

· THE LEVITATION IS BEN I HATE THIS

· So far, all title card umbrellas have not disappointed

· You are running in a straight line you really should hit her

· Yep, Watchmen flashbacks

· Luther remains cute and awkward

· THEY ARE TALKING TO EACH OTHER BABY

· S E Q U I N S

· SNEAKY LADY ALLISON IS BACK

· FINALLY

· A HUG

· Allison and Klaus are so cute

· What in the goddamn Looney Tunes is this outfit lady

· WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU LADY

· ALLISON HARGREEVES YOU QUEEN

· This spooky ghost show is great

· Everyone going off on Five is great

· @ this show stop ripping Vanya and Five apart and let them be soft

· Diego is so naked this entire season

· Diego and Lila are a good dynamic

· Elliott is a babe I love him

· The Handler continues to be creepy about Five

· So much driving

· Luther is baby and Raymond deserves better than to deal with all the baggage from all the Hargreeves brothers

· HE SHAVED THE BEARD

· Ouch this is awkward

· I don’t get why they didn’t cast normal Dave to play young Dave they’re not that far apart in age

· Oh he’s gonna have to let Dave go

· Oh this scene must be so triggering

· Oh shit’s bad and it’s only episode 3

· PUPPY???

· WE WERE RIGHT ABOUT LILA

· WHAT DO YOU MEAN THANKS MOM

EPISODE 4

· Oh my god the Handler is pure fucking evil

· She learnt the fighting from her mom alright

· THE RED BOOTS WERE THERE ALL ALONG

· Man I hoped that the antisemitism was gone

· Vanya being protective of Luther :’)

· Luther only has shitty father figures

· I can’t believe they were better organised last season

· Why do you hate the Vanya/Five dynamic so much, show?

· Five got an extra dose of asshole today this season huh

· Reggie is probably the twelfth

· Oh boy Klaus is a trainwreck

· That marriage is also a trainwreck

· I understand Ray though

· Why is there Styx on this soundtrack

· Oh Klaus baby

· GALA NIGHT BITCHES

· Five is a smart young old man

· Oh baby is eating his heart out

· Oh the hug makes me soft though

· Honestly, Tom Hopper and Emmy Raver Lampman have such cute chemistry

· AWKWARD DARLING MAN

· “Doomsday” *nervous chuckle*

· Ballroom lessons as kids

· This is an excellent dance scene

· OH MY GOD MOM WAS MADE AFTER A REAL WOMAN

· THIS SHOW MAN THIS SHOW

· Reggie is gross

· Diego’s mommy AND daddy issues are put on blast this season

· Sissy is such a babe

· Man we got budget BUDGET for this season

· Alright, the white violin can revive people now cool cool cool

· How different her powers are when powered by love

· I love Elliott I hope he survives the eason

· I am down for Luther and Elliott getting high together

· LET’S GO LESBIIIAAAAAAAAAANS

· God Allison and Klaus make me so soft

· I am very supportive of Elliott and Luther becoming bros

· You already shanked one son, go poker stick another one

· YES EXCELLENT FIGHT MUSIC

· They both?????? Just left him to fend for himself??????????

· Ancient Greek??? Bitch what

· This show is rated for violence and we have barely seen any!!!!!! What!!!!!!!

Episode 5

· Okay baby Pogo and Grace is adorable

· Why is Pogo in space now

· THEY KILLED POGO

· AGAIN

· Hargeeves got a hug before Five did what the effing fuck

· He might be a dick but his instincts are good

· Haha old cowboy

· Ben is so done

· Vanya……..Sissy……..my heart

· Wow Reginald continues to be a massive arse

· Luther/Diego/Five are DUMB and I love them

· “No, bro, he shanked your heart.”

· God the Handler!!!!!!

· THE MUSIC AT THE REUNION

· We didn’t even see Five reunite with Allison and Klaus!!!!!

· GOD WHAT A SISTERLY UPGRADE

· KLAUS VANYA AND ALLISON HUGGING

· Allison and Diego rights babey!!!

· Are the Swedes ever gonna say something or

· LILA AND FIVE TEAM-UP LET’S GO

· I’VE MISSED YOU ALL SO MUCH I’M GONNA CRY BABY

· The red-blue dynamic in Luther and Diego I live for that

· Luther and Diego are gooooooood together

· What is up with that

· Klaus, Vanya and Allison are dumbasses and I love them so much

· Alright where are the Swedes doing and why is that tree so creepy

· Oh the youngest Swede just went tits-up

· Please tell me Five is finally getting a fight scene

· Excellent fight scene

· Great, now I feel sad for the Swedes

· They deffo have a cooler aesthetic than Hazel and Cha-Cha

· This cover is beautiful

EPISODE 6

· This wig looks better than Klaus’

· Also Ben has barely been in this season where is he at

· Oof Ray is so cute

· The Handler and Five have such good chemistry holy shit

· Diego, Luther and Vanya are a god-tier dynamic

· We love the CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT

· BENNY BOY HAS A CRUSH

· Wait how is this only episode six I feel like this is already the pensum of the first season

· Clothing montage baby!!!!!

· God they look so good together

· Oh Allison can be RUTHLESS

· THE BINGO CARDS

· Oh no no no no I didn’t think Klaus and Dave could be even more tragic

· THEY TALK

· God she is so fucking creepy stop lusting after a child

· World’s most satisfying elevator shot

· This scene is chaos I love it

· God everyone just harps on Diego’s daddy issues jesus

· Oh baby no

· Oh babies no

· NO NOT THE DISSOLUTION OF TEAM ZERO

· Why are there so many antisemitic dogwhistles in this

· This scene between Five and Reginald is good

· NOT ELLIOTT

· Oh no no no no Carl

· Alright at least this promises a good fight scene

EPISODE 7

· This polka music bops

· Wait how did he get to 1982

· HE SAID FUCK

· Man Carmichael was out so quick

· No fish-eating?

· Awwwww Klaus and Ben have a heart to heart

· Oh God, Diego and Luther have no brain activity between the two of them

· That is a Look

· Oh this montage of Ben rediscovering touch

· The writing of this show was oddly prophetic

· Oh wait Vanya’s gonna be incarcerated too right????

· Oh this is heart-breaking

· Really?????? Ben’s the dorky one???

· Oh my god Ben is getting a hug and Diego is so soft

· Man why are Five and Vanya so antagonistic

· FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT

· Dude a fight between them would have been so epic

· Diego

· You idiot

· Oh Allison really loves him and he loves her

· Oh I am so sad

· Yeah this episode is infinitely worse than the day that wasn’t

· FUCK YEAH BACKSTREET BOYS

· What the fuck

· Yo that is sadistic as fuck Allison what the flying fuck

· This scene might ruin the song for me

· There definitely was an easier way out

· They fucked it up

· I am not surprised

EPISODE 8

· Oh she speaks Russian

· Five just snapped and honestly deserves it

· Yeah I feel for the Swede

· What is it with commission assassins and axes this season

· “Your vagina needs fresh glasses.”

· Nepotism

· Oh Grace is turning on him baby!!

· Ha remember when we were all like ‘oh no they’re making Reggie sympathetic’

· Yeah so much for that

· Five and Luther are……..soft

· What the fuck is up with that

· AYYYY BUTTHOLE SURFERS ON THE SOUNDTRACK

· Oooooohhhhhhh trippy kid scene

· Also Reggie is bad at German

· I love Luther and Five so much

· We finally get to see older Five’s tie pattern

· Alright Lila makes me uncomfortable

· FIVE IS GONNA GO FERAL Y’ALL LET’S GO

· Man after the last rampage you’d think they’d upped security in this place

· Herb for president!!

· Some catch Diego’s ego is going berserk

· Oh not again

· Dot is a rebel now

· Everyone is ragging on Five, even Five

· This is so trippy

· Oh yeah the brains. Forgot about those.

· I……….sad

· Oh my god oh my god oh my god

· Of course it’s all the government’s fault

· Love how they just walked into an FBI building

· Bro what the fuck is going on

EPISODE 9

· Allison is always there for Vanya and I love her

· Hello Klaus and Diego are so cute

· Oh my heart you go Klaus

· So much for that

· BUT BEN

· YOU ARE CLIFF-HANGERING BE INSIDE AN EPISODE

· Crazy Five is an idiot I love him

· “I’m the daddy here” is not the gazelle, but it’ll do in a pinch

· The 743!!!!!!

· Oh God, Harlan is in danger

· She loves him?!? You barely know the man!!!!!!

· WHAT’S ON THE PAPER

· Oh it’s her file

· HELLO LET US SEE THE FIVES TYING TO OFF EACH OTHER

· This continues to be trippy

· These visuals are so stunning

· This is my favourite scene so far, this is so good, this is an excellent talk

· NO

· NOT BEN

· “I’m askin’, Carl.” You go Sissy, love you, you’re doing excellent

· Alright, we have a mini-Vanya here

· Oh I hate the Handler so fucking much she is the worst

· What a plot-twist

· Oh god so much is going on in this season

· Oh we get fish-eating, but it’s not Five? That’s lame

· Why are they all so hell-bent on making stupid decisions

· Klaus you idiot

· Oh that SON OF A BITCH HARGREEVES

· What the fuck what is on the dark side of the moon

· What the flying fuck what the fuck what tebdjbdgkbjdsgkbjgsdjgnj

· WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU’RE GOING TO WAR

EPISODE 10

· Oh the kids are back for Ben’s funeral

· I hate this

· Reginald is just. The worst.

· My emotions are all over the place

· Oh……..babies

· OH MY GOD DIEGO

· AND FIVE

· It wouldn’t hurt to go to an abandoned farm

· God this is a family of shitty choices

· I don’t want Ben to be gone

· FAMILY TIME

· Oh shit I totally forgot about the last Swede

· BRO THE STAKES

· YEAH THIS LOOKS BAD

· ALRIGHT Harland is gonna be alright

· All these assassins have shit aim

· HE’S MATRIXING

· LILA’S ONE OF THE 43

· SHE CAN ABSORB AND REDIRECT THEIR ENERGIES

· ONE OF THEM ONE OF THEM ONE OF THEM

· Awwwwww they love each other

· Oh great THEY’RE DEAD AGAIN

· Oh now LILA will have to fix the timeline

· Wait now they’re all dead

· The swede to the rescue?

· Please tell me she’s dead for good this time

· We love a de facto protagonist saving everyone’s asses once more

· GO VANYA SAVE THE BABY

· Dot and Herb are precious dumbasses

· This is heart-breaking, but I understand Sissy so much

· WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS CLIFFHANGER

#tua spoilers #not that you'd understand much if you don't watch the episodes #personal #come yell at me in my inbox please

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anastasiaskarsgard · 6 years ago

Text

Hydrangea

Chapter 4

Warning: mild curse words. Mention of violence

The next morning I awoke to the doorbell ringing over and over. Max was losing his fucking mind, running up and down the stairs yipping and howling. I tried to muffle the persistent I looked at the time; 6:50am.who in the hell, and they couldn’t be serious! I dragged myself out of bed, put my hair in a messy bun, and looked in the mirror. Oh boy. I looked like shit.

Ding dong. Ding dong. Ding dong.

“Hold your horses. I’m coming!” I yelled grumpily. I finally reached the door and swung it open to find Alex and Bill looking fresh as daisies holding a basket of muffins and coffees.

“Welcome to the worst case scenario folks,” Bill quipped.

“Fuck you, give me a muffin before I kick you. Do you know what time it is?” I said grumpily.

“There She is! Miss America... “ Bill belted out.

“Oh my God I hated when you sang that!” I giggled, thinking back to when we were kids, and I did something dumb or looked like crap, and Bill would always sing that damn song at the top of his lungs, while I chased him. “Come on in. I have to get ready, but I’m not one of those fancy bitches, so I’m fast. Excuse the dust, the museum isn’t in top form, but she’ll be back soon.”

“You’re going to clean this giant place by yourself?” Alex asked.

“I was hoping you could recommend a cleaning service actually. It’s a bit much.” I admitted.

“I’ll make some calls, and you go get ready. We want to make the morning ferry.” Alex said as he got out his phone.

Bill was just staring at me strangely, but I had like raccoon eyes and realized I was wearing one shoe, so I can’t blame him.

I ran upstairs and turned on the shower, and chose a cute sundress while the water heated up. I rushed through everything and got ready in record time, just letting my hair be it’s natural straight style and only throwing on some mascara and lipstick that looked natural. I ran down the stairs to find them having a quite heated discussion about something, and Bill seemed very unhappy.

“Is everything ok?” I inquired hesitantly.

“Bill doesn’t want me to come. He wants you all to himself, and he’s being a child.” Alex said as Bill glared at him.

“It’s just she’s my friend, and you never gave a shit about her, but now you’re sooooo interested. You're transparent as fuck.” Bill seethed.

Alex’s eyes went wide with mock shock, and he put his hand over his mouth. “Language Bill! Excuse my brothers potty mouth. He doesn’t get out much.”

I couldn’t help it, I started to giggle at them, and the more I tried to stop laughing, the worse I got. Soon Bill caught the giggles and we both could hardly breathe. Alex looked at us both like we were crazy and had to wait several minutes for us to get ahold of ourselves.

I’d almost forgotten our giggle fits. Bill was a rather serious child, but whenever he was around me, we’d fall into uncontrollable giggle fits at least once a day. He had the most lovely laugh and the most beautiful smile. When I really get going, I snort and it used to embarrass me, until I realized Bill got such a kick out of it.

“You two done? I have a cleaning service on the way to clean this place up while we are gone, just call it a welcome home present from me.”

“Alex! Really? You’re amazing! Thank you!” I said, embracing him in a big hug.

I looked over at Bill who was back to glaring at Alex. “Wow Alex, you’re so amazing. Get in the car.” Bill turned to me and smiled, offering his arm to me. “M’ lady?”

I gingerly took his arm and grabbed Alex’s hand. “Come on, guys, this is gonna be so fun! Can we go surprise Eija?”

“I can’t see why not,” Bill replied.

We barely made it in time for the morning ferry to Stockholm. Alex and Bill kept making jabs at each other, but I think they just had that type of dynamic. I really never saw them interact very much growing up, so I figured with Alex being the oldest, and Bill always being so ...um... I guess stubborn, independent, bratty, troublesome, just him being Bill, I’m sure the two clashed quite a bit. You could tell they loved each other very much and although their sense of humor took some getting used to, they were so much fun.

I kind of forgot they were famous until we started going to places. Swedes were not as obnoxious as Americans about celebrities, but there were quite a few photo requests and constant staring. I didn’t like it, and I was worried about getting in a picture.

We finally finished up our shopping and made our way to swing by Eija’s work before we went back to the island. She ran a nightclub-lounge type bar, that looked to be very hip. No surprise, since she always radiated coolness and confidence. I was surprised how excited I was to see her again. I really did miss her. I was as close with her, as Bill and the thought of the three of us all together again had me smiling from ear to ear.

”Eija? Where are you, little sister? We have a surprise for you, ” Bill called out. He walked up ahead. Alex and I caught up to him and found Bill holding Eija, who was sobbing into his chest.

”what is the matter?” Alex asked her gently; concern and worry on his face.

Eija looked over at us and when her eyes fell on me, her eyes widened, and she began backing up. ”now I am seeing her ghost! Can you see her too?” she asked, pointing at me.

Alex and Bill exchanged a skeptical look.

”um are you maybe on shrooms or something? That's our friend Lauren.” Bill stated, patting me on the shower to emphasize I was real.

”Lauren, is it really you? Oh my God!” she screamed and leaped on me, hugging me.

” it's all over the news! It said that your lawyer fiance was attacked by his pissed off drug lord cartel client. They lit his secretary on fire and then kidnapped You and your dog. When they contacted him for comment, he pretty much said that's what happens to people that fail him. They interviewed your Aunt and Boss and its crazy, I been watching all morning crying my eyes out, dreading telling Bill!”

Everyone turned to look at me, but I was at a loss what to say.

”Everyone thinks your dead sweetie, is that why you came here? Were you hiding from that piece of shit, client?” Alex asked me gently, looking in my eyes.

”yes, ” I sobbed. ” I was so afraid when I heard about the attack on his office. We were broken up, but I had remembered the threats, so I just ran.”

Bill walked over and took me in his arms, kissing my hair. “I’m so glad you’re safe. Why didn’t you tell us you precious girl?”

“You don’t need to be scared here. We’ll keep you safe.” Alex said, reassuringly.

“You guys are the best friends! Group hug!”

All three surrounded me squeezing me into the middle of them before Alex and Eija release me. Bill grabs my hand and laces his fingers between mine. I glance over at him, and he’s staring at me.

“What?” I ask.

“I am keeping an eye on you. I couldn’t imagine never seeing you again. I always knew you’d come back,” Bill said far more seriously than I was comfortable with.

“It’s true! I said you’d forgotten us and had better things to do than run around like assholes all summer and Bill always got so mad at me.... it was hilarious.” Eija joked.

“And he told me if I had sex with you, he’d fucking kill me in my sleep,” Alex chuckled. “Worth it.”

Bill glared at Alex before laughing at himself. “I missed you, what can I say? Remember your fanny pack you carried around with bandaids and neosporin?”

“Oh my god! I do! I was Dr. Lauren! I took that so serious.”

“I think he fell down and scraped himself on purpose so you’d fawn all over him,” Alex stated.

Bill blushed and looked at the ground, “I’ll never admit to anything.”

“Well beautiful sister looks like our surprise was even more surprising than we intended, but we have a car full of groceries and what not and must not miss the ferry,” Alex said as he wrapped her in a hug.

We all said our goodbyes and made our way to the car. Bill held my hand until I was seated in the car, and he reached across me, buckling my seatbelt.

“You gonna wipe her ass too Bill?”

“Such a charming guy. No wonder you can’t find a woman that’ll keep you.”

“Speak for yourself. What’s your girlfriends' name again? Oh ya, you don’t have one.”

“I’ve had plenty of girls Alex,” before he can stop himself and nervously looks at me in the rear view mirror, “I mean um, what I mean is.... shit.”

“Oh, ho ho! What’s the matter? Don’t want Lauren to know your rep around here? You should be proud! You far surpassed me with the ladies.”

“Shut It, Alex.” Bill seethed through gritted teeth. “I never broke any hearts; they all knew the deal. I’m constantly traveling.”

“You haven’t even committed to buying a home. You’re afraid of committing to anything.”

“Why are we even talking about this? Where is this coming from?”

“Lauren just seems like a nice girl, that’s going through a tough time. I don’t want you to make it more difficult with your famous disappearing act.”

“Lauren is different. I would never—“

“Don’t even finish that sentence, Bill! You said the same thing about Anna, and Alexis, Kelly and that crazy co-star I warned you about, but you didn’t listen. None of them lasted longer than a couple of months.”

“Um, I am right here, and I can hear you,” I said.

Alex turns around and winked at me, flashing a playful smile, that makes me blush. Bill nervously glances at me in the rear view mirror again, his face is unreadable.

“Sorry, Lauren,” Bill mumbles.

“Sorry for what little brother? Assuming Lauren would even like you or breaking half the girl's hearts in Sweden?”

That was it for Bill. He yelled something in Swedish at Alex that made him chuckle and then it was a heated discussion, bordering full-blown argument till we reached the ferry. My Swedish wasn’t excellent, but the tension in the car was terrible, so I got out and walked to the railing to stare out at sea.

I don’t know how long he was there, but when I turned around, I nearly ran into Bill. He looked at me sadly, and without thinking, I put my hand up and cupped his cheek. He leaned into my touch and closed his eyes. I started to pull my hand away, but he caught it and pulled me against him, still nuzzling my hand.

“I never feel calm. I never feel at peace except when I’m around you. Even when we were kids, and you were reading in the garden, I always loved reading with you. I could never hold still long enough to read, but with you, I never feel like I need to be anywhere else.”

He opened his eyes, and I couldn’t believe this beautiful man held me in such high regard. All the time I wasted on Adam, I could have had Bill? Are you serious universe?

“We better go get back in the car, I see the docks,” I said nervously. I didn’t know what to do, and the feelings between us were so intense that my butterflies were more like angry hornets.

Bill took my hand, and we got back in the car, Bill buckling me in again.

“Bill, I gotta hand it to you, you are one smooth operator, I would fall in love with you if you weren’t my brother.”

I tried to stifle my laugh but just ended up making a raspberry sound.

“Those lips, and that hair,” Alex said between laughing. “You’re almost as pretty as Eija.”

By the time we arrived back at my house, we were all kidding and laughing. That was one of the best things about the Skarsgards. You’d think they were going to come to blows with how heated their discussions became, but they never held a grudge. They always were laughing before the day was thru.

I'd nearly forgotten Alex’s gift until I walked in and gasped. The house was sparkling clean! How did they get it all done so fast? What a difference some dust makes.

”this house always amazes me, ill never get over it, ” Bill said behind me.

” I cannot thank you enough, ” I say.

”you're coming tonight, right?”

”yes. I just have to call my family and tell them I'm not dead.”

”that's a good idea.” bill said as he kissed my forehead and left.

I was standing there grinning like a fool when it hit me.

Where is Max!?!

#bill skarsgard #billy skarsgard #hydrangea bill #hydrangea #bill skarsgard fanfiction #bill fan fiction #sweden #alexander skarsgard #my writing

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lorainelaneyblog · 7 years ago

Text

‘I was unable to locate [ ] [ ] on Facebook, God.’

‘Do you remember his old location, Loraine, because he would like for you to get in touch, he would. He remembers you fondly, and he misses you, and, silly boy, he is not on Facebook, he is not, he is not, he is not.’

‘He’s an island.’

‘Yes, he is, Loraine, yes, he is, Loraine, and he has never, never, never, never, never, never, found love, just as you, and it is not because you two were destined, but just by chance. He has never, and, through army circles, because your brother does talk a bit, he knows that you have never, never, never, never, never, never, found love either, and it is a comfort to him, even though he has heard that 50 Cent is your beloved. He doesn’t care, Loraine, most of the women he has dated, have coveted bigger men, he is not that small, but he is not that big, and he is somewhat of a pimp, but not enough of a pimp to deal with any of the women he has dated.’

‘Why?’ says 50 Cent. ‘Why does he shoot so high?’

‘She’s right, he’s permissive. That’s what he is, Loraine. And, because of this, he has been hurt, time and again, as you have. But, he is very open to poly and open to poly in his partners, so that they have cheated on him, rather than organize something that works for both.’

‘Is it the old inch foot mile,’ asks [ ] [ ].

‘Yes,’ says God. ‘If you argue for poly, and [ ] [ ], unlike [ ] [ ], and [ ] [ ] [ ], argues for poly, yes, he does, yes, he does, yes, he does, and he is too good to cheat, like my new messiah, and, like you, Loraine, cheating has arisen, and he has fallen prey to taking revenge, but, good for him, he has never outdone his opponent, he waits until he is abjectly miserable. And that’s what he does.’

‘Does she do that? Is she a bitch to men? I have always wondered because she was pretty saintly when we all knew her.’

‘Loraine Laney,’ says God, ‘is my new messiah, [ ] [ ].’

‘What does that mean?’

‘She came up about three years ago with the notion that she should be a saint, and some writing about being a messiah because of shit that happened to her in Vancouver with the police and some stalking. She felt, and she was right, that she had been better to others than they had been to her. She cried in the end and they walked away satisfied, every time.’

‘I’m a man, so they cry.’

‘I do not doubt that you can make a woman cry.’

‘Why?’

‘You walked away from [ ] repeatedly.’

‘I did, you’re right. And this is what I remember about you, that you were an incorrigible intellect who couldn’t stop intellectualizing, ever.’

‘[ ] knows this, Loraine, he came from an educated family, and they were familiar with intellectuals and their work.’

‘He must be one too.’

‘He is, Loraine, and he will write to you through [ ] [ ], somehow, I feel, because he never, never, never, had that sort of relationship with a girl.’

‘I’m sorry I hit on you twice because I thought you were slutting, and then, when the time was right, God told me that you were not, that, in fact, that second time, you were in a period of celibacy. When we “found out” that you fucked [ ] [ ] in Edmonton, we were pissed off, because he was A Coy CSM, and that’s it. That was the reason. Were you attracted to him?’

‘No.’

‘Why?’

‘I don’t know. I guess [ ] [ ] is something in the neighbourhood of a high medium.’

‘What does that mean?’

‘She’s right,’ says God.

‘What did he do?’

‘We had a nice evening with respective friends at a piano bar in Edmonton, and you probably know how fun it is to run into someone from cadets, away, and there was one get together, with some kissing only, on the sofa at my roommate’s place, and he said, “I think I’m falling in love with you,” and inexplicably, I asked him to leave.’

‘Why?’

‘I guess I thought it was a line, but I wasn’t attracted to him, I don’t know why.’

‘Why?’

‘Well, out of all of you, it was only [ ].’

‘What about [ ]? I heard, through the ether, that you had a gang bang fantasy about him and [ ], and [ ] [ ]. Were you attracted to [ ] [ ]?’

‘Again, no, it was a search for a body type similar to [ ] and [ ]’s that made an appropriate fantasy. It never happened again.’

‘The fantasy.’

‘No.’

‘Why?’

‘I was humiliated.’

‘What if no one found out?’

‘I feel transparent, and I worried someone would ask about my fantasies.’

‘Did you ever fantasize about me?’

‘No. For me, you and [ ] were never more than friends, and this, I believe, was a failing of mine--’

‘To think--Harry Met Sally--that you deserved a male friend without sex.’

‘Yeah.’

‘You feel guilty?’

‘To this day?’

‘Yes. You were all at a deficit for female companionship in the cadets, and I feel that this is something that will no longer happen when polygamy is legalized, women will not seek out groups of men in employment capacities.’

‘What?’

‘God says you are a bit of a pimp, as are eighty seven point five percent of men, who are themselves poly and dealing with an equal number of poly women. Women are seeking their own partners by going to work with numbers of men.’

‘What should they do?’

‘Do you hate women at work?’

‘I hate it, Loraine. I feel, and this is what I honestly feel--say that.’

‘I always worried that when I got a boyfriend in cadets, all of you guys wouldn’t respect me anymore, and remember that day when the car ran over my foot?’

‘Yes, Loraine, we heard about it via that screenplay you wrote, and we heard it was empty but fulfilling emotionally, but lacking information about the work.’

‘That’s right, that’s why I had to give up fiction, my memory. Suffice to say, I felt your rancor that day, alongside the other boys, when I held you up by fucking [ ] for fifteen minutes while you waiting outside, my point being, I never forgot that you were in the car.’

‘Me.’

‘Yes.’

‘Who else was in the car?’

‘I have no fucking idea.’

‘Are you serious? I thought you like all those guys, because they were so pretty. I know [ ] did. But she was, and I forget this, because of your popularity at cadets, much prettier than you.’

Pouts. ‘Yes, I was always jealous of her.’

‘Why?’

‘That party, [ ]?’

‘I know. She smelled to high heaven, Loraine, to high, fucking, heaven, and, when [ ] came out as talking about your secret sex life, I knew you would hate it, but we all knew you were hot for him, because you were joined at the hip, let’s cover that for a moment, you knew your place, that was always obvious, but other girls didn’t, so how? Because when [ ] was screwing, I was naively believing we were falling in love, but I was just one of a number. Did you know?’

‘No, babe, pardon the term of endearment, I was as naïve as you.’

‘Oh, I see. I always thought you knew.’

‘No, absolutely not.’

‘What about at camp?’

‘They both--’

‘[ ].’

‘Discussed only the boyfriends that I was aware of.’

‘Oh, I see.’

‘What did she do to [ ]? Did you ever sleep with him, because I was jealous of you two.’

‘No, no, no. A little attraction for sure, but he’s higher than you, I think.’

‘Was it my Asianness?’

‘I don’t think so.’

‘Why not [ ] [ ]?’

‘I have, despite all evidence to the contrary, perhaps, a fairly healthy self esteem, and he never showed any interest in me at all, and he was a little young in the mind still, perhaps looking for a younger girl.’

‘I am still.’

‘Okay, so a May December guy?’

‘Yes. Why do you think so many of the cadets were attracted to you, Loraine, because I definitely wasn’t, and I never really understood.’

‘But you know men, though.’

‘Oh, yeah. So, [ ] [ ], this is why, she was the smartest girl we ever had, and [ ] [ ] was the next smartest, though she wasn’t smart enough to stay out of the fray and Loraine [ ] was. She was. Her brother put the fear of God into her, yes, he did, and she was terrified of him, his emotional barometer around girls and sex. And, though he, himself, never screwed, he did love [ ] [ ] as a friend, and he forgave her the slutting because she was so cool, and she was Loraine, and I was there before all of you, as a young cadet, and I know this, she was an excellent leader who never let her sexuality affect cadets, she was a woman with those guys, and that’s it. She loved her cadets, even more than Loraine did, who, I’m going to argue, loved her equals more.’

‘Yeah, good one.’

‘Cadets bored me.’

‘I was always with the green stars.’

‘That’s true. How did you know your place?’

‘I’ll take this one,’ says God. ‘Loraine Laney always knew her place with men, because her father treated her like a girl, always, always, always, the physical threats went to [ ], and the yelling went to [ ], and the chores went to Loraine, and that’s how she knew her place.’

‘Honestly?’ asks [ ] [ ]. ‘Because my dad treated all of us the same, chores to all, and no special treatment.’

‘But he wasn’t angry, and Loraine’s dad was. He was, [ ] [ ], and, though [ ] [ ], wasn’t that scared, the muscling put him in his place, and, yes, with the help of Loraine’s lawyer client for some years--’

‘How did she get into that shit? How do girls cross over?’

‘I was talking about it, there was a lesbian connection with a former girlfriend who was a housekeeper for The Swedish Touch. She hired a girl for the office who was already working as an escort independently. It was arranged for us to meet, to discuss it, and she gave me the number of her supervisor.’

‘Pimp.’

‘Yeah.’

‘Did you fuck him?’

‘For two hundred dollars.’

‘That was your break?’

‘Turn out.’

‘Oh, I see. It’s not a break?’

‘What do you mean?’

‘Like acting?’

‘Oh no, they take anyone. You fuck it up, you leave.’

‘Oh, you fucked it up, then?’

‘How?’

‘Stealing clients.’

‘Did he get mad at you?’

‘No, they just stop calling you, I guess, he was decent, he could have.’

‘So you ran out of work, and that’s how you ended up at Madame Cleo’s, because when I heard you were whoring, I couldn’t fucking believe it, Loraine, you were such a good girl, with all those men, and then you turned out, and it was so, fucking, weird. So, fucking weird. I thought you would never be a slut, but you were.’

‘That’s right,’ says God. ‘She was. Incorrigible, and she knew the only place for her, after a time, she was already thirty one, and had slept with fewer than forty people, men and women, was in prostitution. And that, [ ] [ ], is why I, God, would like you to read her book, should it come across your desk, it’s frightening in title, Bros Before Hos pissed off many’s the man who thought that expression was valid. And she debunks it very well, but, she does not, [ ] [ ], does not [ ] [ ], does not, let men down.’

‘Why? Why was she so nice to all of us? Could we have all had sex with her?’

‘I would have pimped,’ says [ ] [ ]. ‘And I knew I could because, you don’t know this, Loraine, but my father told me that some women a pimpable, even as wives.’

‘How old were you?’

‘Sixteen. I was bemoaning you attractiveness to so many men, boys, at the time, and this is what he said: “Pimp her.” And that’s it.’

‘Whoa.’

‘I’m sorry about my dad.’

‘What should he have done?’

‘We were sneaking around, and, as you know, as limited as my experience was, I had already been sneaking around, but he, like the lawyer God was mentioning, should have arranged a proper relationship for us, with input from your family.’

‘Like what?’

‘We let her, at eleven, and he had to get a job, and that’s it. He spent more on her than she spent on him, and that was the way I wanted it. But this is old news, Loraine. Will you really call me if you get all this money?’

‘I have a realtor, too, he kicked me out.’

‘Oh, you’re funny, Loraine.’

‘I do wonder--’

‘I’d help you, I’d help you sue for more, not the government, per se, but the mental health system, and the cops, for sure, because, word is, the money, the fifty million is for the unguents master, and nothing more. They refused to deal with him, anyone, and now they pay the price. You were the loan survivor. And that’s it.’

‘Whoa.’

‘How did you get the money out of that guy, [ ] [ ] wants to know.’

‘He was ethical, that’s my only conclusion.’

‘Why did you screw him?’

‘I did fail to tell, it’s true, so I did lie, but, on the other hand--’

‘What other hand?’

‘She showed me her cards and I knew, because she told me, that she was striving to be independent.’

‘Oh, I see.’

‘So, I was watching her. And, I told her about stealing clients, but she went ahead anyway, foolish, because she went without work for a time, and then she left Madame Cleo’ s--’

‘At what age did you know what Madame Cleo’s was?’

‘Eleven. My dad took me to see it, from the outside. I hear, in this book, that you believe little girls should be able to prostitute if they are capable of expressing such a desire, and I heard, and I was more than ready--’

‘That would have helped you immensely.’

‘What do you mean?’

‘I think that, riffing, boys are living their sexuality vicariously through girls, because it is too hard to get laid without prostitutes.’

(more)

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