#oh so jack loves animals? let's make him watch a cartoon of cute animals getting brutally killed in all sort of ways

[radaverse]

There's this idea wandering on my mind

Samurai Jack making a YouTube channel to "learn the ways of the technology of Aku's futuristic world"

Jack trying to make reaction videos then being told to watch happy tree friends

[kin-cosmic]

i just finished kid cosmic season 1 and..

[spoilers obviously]

man..ONLY 10 episodes? I mean I guess it’s getting a continuation so that’s good. anyways heres my thoughts of the overall season and show

so from the animation alone? fucking beautiful.

people said before that it reminded them of gorillaz and I didn’t see it, but NOW I do. it’s so fluid, and it can be chunky at times, but like, spider-verse type you know? anyways it’s just perfect, it’s fluid, it REALLY fits the hero-comic style of the show. and the BACKGROUND ART. GOD. I WOULD JUST PAUSE AT TIMES AND JUST OBSERVE. OF HOW TRULY BEAUTIFUL IT WAS FOR ME. ITS SO COOL.

ok now for the characters themselves? first off, the kid, he’s just perfect, he’s so pure. everything from his tragic backstory to the connection of his scar? yeah. deep. but THATS what makes him so flawed, and ngl i feel like I relate to him there. the show is OBVIOUSLY revolved around him, cause. kid cosmic. but obviously for not TOO long, cause the OTHER characters, that are ALSO great.

like JO! ok, as a teen, i feel like they kind of captured the characteristics of what a teen would “act” in situations on these, so when jo would just stammer and go insane, i RELATED to that sm! anyways she’s a good character! definitely the mom friend of the group, I see her as kid’s older sister, and she’s badass >:)

MOVING on to rosa! I ALSO related to her too, bonus start off because she was hispanic! as a mexican person, I was REALLY HAPPY to see someone cartoon, on screen, that RESEMBLED me you know? anyways besides that, she’s adorable, she can be a perfect kind of that “toddler-annoying”, and ironically SHES the muscle of the group, but yeah, she’s adorable, she’s such a cool chaotic baby! <3

NOW WITH PAPA G. MAN. he’s like, my PERSONAL favorite character in the show, though I WISHED he had more screen-time but the time I HAD with him, I just, loved him, so much. first off I thought it was already amazing how STRIKINGLY similar he is to WANDER. like. they’re the same person i stg, i wouldn’t be surprised if his design was at first a humanized version of wander DRAWN by craig, if you don’t believe me? watch woy, or just SIMPLY OBSERVE the hat. he EVEN says quotes that wander would say and EVEN said when he was in space that “he thought it was a flashback” THATS EPIC. anyways from his character, he’s ALSO the heart of the group, he is so caring and sweet, and especially to kid, and the fact that he is old, idk why that makes his character even MORE great, because he is ALSO so chaotic and ecstatic for a old ass guy . he also gives kid GOOD advice since, he lives with him, like the “freaking out, breathe it out” quote? swag af. anyways as you can tell, he’s my favorite character lol. i love papa g sm. OH YEAH, HIS NAME REVEALED TO BE GEORGE TOO SO . BUT YEAH, LOVE THIS OLD DOG.

SO ALSO WITH TUNA SANDWICH. not much to say here, id say he got the LEAST screentime , makes sense, cause he’s just the cat, but like at episode 8, he starts TALKING, and it’s just 😳 I was SUPRISED, this kinda overhauled his character, anyways besides that and his kinda useless power imo? he’s an adorable old cat, i almost cried when I saw him as a kitten and ALSO saw BABY KID. like that’s so cute how he’s attached to the kid, and THATS how he uses his power in advance, huh, guess it’s not that useless after all? anyways cute cat, funny too, he fucking cursed too so..

now to the side characters? i wasn’t expecting chuck to TURN good? like ok? 😳 i thought he would just be that stereotypical villain throughout the series in which i can love sometimes, but that wasn’t the case? first off his voice change? I feel like that was good! his stitch voice is cute btw lol. and him having MORE screentime too? following along with tuna? ALSO good! also tom kenny did a good job with his performance of him! now the other side characters like jo’s mom, thought she was ok, I wish the others like rosas parents were in it more you know? also the ACTUAL villain? the biker guy, kind of weak, but he was ok too.

now to the plot, I was EXPECTING for this show to be STORY-DRIVEN, and not like a reset cartoon episode like craig’s LAST cartoon was, and wasn’t let down a bit! the pacing goes by fast, but it says EVERYTHING it needed to be said, and it’s TO THE POINT. like the little details too? such as the foreshadowing when jo saw a glimpse of the newspaper about the car accident in the first episode? oof. then it being EXTENDED where to the point the kid gets flashbacks and cries? that hurt, but that was IMPORTANT to the story kinda, it’s also WHY papa g did that fake robot thing, kind of dick move george, but HEY! he did it for his grandson! besides, it never hurts to he- ok I’ll stop LMAOO, anyways i thought the story was good, so was the pacing

i got SO ARTISTICALLY inspired by the art style and the background art, like GOD, where’s the background artist @ ? I GOTTA KNOW, i STILL LOVE IT SM. FROM THE SIMPLISTIC AND SORTA GRAINY LINEART OF THE DESIGNS TO THAT COMIC FEEL? IT FELT NOSTALGIC SOMEHOW NGL. AND I THINK THEY CAPTURED THE FEEL OF THE SETTING TOO.NEW MEXICO MAN. NOT OFTEN YOU GET CARTOONS THAT TAKE PLACE THERE

MAKES ME HAPPY TBH! anyways

the art style was cute imo, great shit here my dude,I already can’t wait for the continuation, it actually ended in a cliffhanger so that’s kinda poopy. but yeah! craig and his crew went ALL out on this show you can tell! his wife and son even worked on this, EVEN ANDY BEAN! a person that WORKED with craig in woy! It’s great! i almost recognized ALL of the voice actors too, except jack fisher, I had NO idea who he was, but to KNOW an ACTUAL kid CAN give good performances? really says something, HES A PERFECTLY good example for a kid voice actor, he was great! as for the others, and the STARS TOO? such as KEITH FERGUSON, AND FRED TASTIACORE, AMANDA C MILLER, GREY GRIFFIN, KEVIN MICHAEL RICHARDSON, PHIL LAMAAR AND EVEN RICH FULCHER!! they were no joke, and obviously GREAT! im surprised keith can do such a good old man voice, wait never mind, he’s done the “orlando-bloo” voice before and that’s kind of a old voice? idk. but here we are.

overall. this show? i rate it 10/10

cant wait to see more of it!

it’s already such a comfort show for me!

i love it sm!

tysm craig for giving me ANOTHER of your cartoons to simply OBSESS over for, you’re the best man! you’re my idol!

k well I guess that’s all. sorry if it was a lot. i just. wanted to say something long about this show.

k well BYE BYE 🧡💜‼️

[sparkerinparadise]

rating every jack frost iteration that i can think of off of the top of my head rn bc sleep is a myth

SHIN MEGAMI TENSEI: i have never touched an atlus game but oh my god look at him. he’s just a little guy and it’s his birthday!!! i love his fun hat and how small and round he is, and his :D face with little fangs. apparently he’s also a demon??? that gives you a gun in one of the games?? that’s always a plus!! i don’t like the fact that he’s british though. 10/10 instant improvement to any game

FROSTY��S WINTER WONDERLAND: this movie is very much a product of its time w how it treats crystal and is VERY much trying to capitalize off of the success of the original frosty, but idk i still think it’s kinda cute. but this isn’t rating the movie. this is rating jack frost. here he is a silly little man!! his whole spiel is that he’s jealous that frosty is more popular than him so he wants to murder him. y’know, typical cartoon villain stuff. don’t worry though, he gets defeated by the power of friendship and a Kiss from a Cute Snowlady, and decides he’s going to make winter last forever for frosty and his new wife crystal bc they’re probably the first people to validate him in years. wow. what a guy. also his design’s excellent and his voice sounds exactly what u think it sounds like, it’s great. 10/10 i want to see him and smt jack commit crimes together

RISE OF THE GUARDIANS: here he is. the tumblr sexyman himself. i don’t remember anything from this movie except that no one can see him and he’s sad about it, i think. also he has a big magic stick and i have no idea what it’s actually used for. ice, i think?? but yeah, he is literally just some generic modern-looking white boy. with a big stick. i don’t understand the appeal, but then again i’m a lesbian and i don’t own an air fryer. 2/10 best and only anime i’ve ever seen /j

JACK FROST (1979): “wait a minute, u already put the rankin-bass one on here!! they’re the same character!!” shut up this is my list, i get to do what i want. anyways i literally just finished watching this movie for the first time and i thought it was cute. his outfit’s changed a little bit from winter wonderland and the colors here are a little too similar for my taste but it’s still a SUPER solid design. like, a pointy hat, tunic, boots AND leggings?? too much power. he is significantly less bastardly here but he’s still super silly and nice. we love to see it!! 8/10 i want in on that groundhog con deal

SANTA CLAUSE 3: i watched this movie several times as a kid, and i couldn’t tell u for the life of me why. i was actually kinda surprised when rewatching some clips of this guy on youtube! his design’s... okay i guess, but his lines are so corny and his acting is so over-the-top that he actually ends up being kinda funny. anyways he wants to ruin santa's life so he can…. travel into the past and sabotage santa’s backstory?? so he can be capitalist santa??? i don’t remember how any of that worked but it was bc of some weird magic law i think, because its the fucking santa clause. anyways uhhh.... he exists!! that’s all i can really say about him!! 5/10 eat the rich

FROSTY AND RUDOLPH’S CHRISTMAS IN JULY: gee rankin-bass jack, how come YOUR mom lets u have THREE designs??? i like what they were trying to go for by combining the first 2 designs they made, but oh my god i literally cannot stand to look at him. i don’t know if it’s just his absurdly long neck, but that head just does NOT look like it belongs on that body. what were they thinking. 0/10 u had one job

JACK FROST (1998): an irl friend actually told me about this one and all i gotta say is... what the fuck, sarah???? i’ve read the wikipedia article and like. this jack’s a regular dude who’s a musician w/ kids, right??? and uh... he just fucking dies. and comes back to life as a snowman to help his son move on from his death. and then he dies again. i don’t know how anyone could take something like this seriously. this movie doesn’t even sound real, it’s like someone based it off of a really fucked up fever dream or something. anyways 4/10 i don’t have anything clever to say about this

[yanderecandystore]

Yandere Ocs dream date hcs please?

Hi!

This seems fun :3

Also, oh my God, I haven't started writing for Prey chapter 2, I'm sorry!!! ;-; ;-;

I didn't have enough time to write it. Neither did I write for A Vixen Walking Around At Night yet.

Sorry ;-;.

🍭꒰⑅ᵕ༚ᵕ꒱˖♡🍮꒰⑅ᵕ༚ᵕ꒱˖♡🍰꒰⑅ᵕ༚ᵕ꒱˖♡🍮꒰⑅ᵕ༚ᵕ꒱˖🍭

Our first moment [Yandere OCS x Reader - Headcanon]:

🍒 Bullies 🍭:

→ Alexandra Coldwell:

Well, what can I say? She is a little princess, and you'll need to treat her as such.

She is pretty mean, and would totally be expecting you to make her the perfect date. Yes, that also means that you should be the one to ask her out, and if you do, she will talk as if you're the one that should have planned this out.

But don't worry, she knows that she is the one that has to fix everything. Going out is her favorite thing, so why just go around a mall while you two find something to do? Maybe even make you buy things for her.

Alexandra is mostly fucking with you though, I mean, she really wants you to treat her like a princess, but she knows you don't have enough money to buy anything for her (don't worry about buying anything for her boo, she only wears really expensive brands :D).

A movie is cool and all, but even if she is watching something she really likes, she would still find out she is missing something. This date wouldn't feel complete.

Alexandra does like to stay active, and although it sounds really niche, if her darling dares her to run faster than them, she'll totally do it. No questions asked.

Heels or no heels. It's on now. If you bail out though she is going to make fun of you, cause of course she would.

If you win then, well, she lost, is there anything you would like to get as a reward, Ms/Mr. Winner? Does a kiss from her majesty suffice?

Alexandra can be a little bitter sweet, but she does really care about her darling, in her eyes, your just as much royalty as her.

Her dream date would probably be going around a national park, princesses with heels can still do some hiking. Watch her act like a nerd at every single cute animal she spots. Turns out she knows quite a lot about biology, the absolute goof.

→ Adrien Coldwell:

I know that he may seem boring as hell and absolutely "0 fucks given" all the time, and believe me he is, but give him some credit.

He can be probably one of the chilliest out of the two. He does make a couple of ill comments here and there, but he doesn't mind going along with you and doing things you like.

He may comment something along the lines of "not expecting you two to have a great date, because it's impossible to have fun with someone that sucks so much", with yeah, he went full on out with that one, but he is mostly picking on you.

Just seeing you being yourself is pretty entertaining. I guess that's why he keeps picking on you, trying to get different reactions.

Adrien likes to binge watch cartoons, and although he likes music concerts he can't be bothered to move one inch most of the time.

He lets you do what you like to do, but, to be honest, something that you two can do and create sounds a lot better. Maybe he wants to find an active that you two can do while still having fun and bickering at each other.

Would you like to bake with him? He can do just fine on his own, but if you want to, he would really, really appreciate some help.

Even if whatever you baked was a mess and probably burned, you two would still have fun. You'll probably see him smiling for once.

Adrien's idea of a dream date is being able to have fun with you while crafting something, being that baking or even just a silly project. The project may not turn out really well, but throughout the experience, you still get some good laughs.

🍎 Teachers 🥧:

→ Matthew Robinson:

Oh this, suit and tie boi. This sweet, sweet boi.

What can he say? He doesn't have enough experience in the dating department, at least not the most fun of experiences.

He isn't really that lucky, you know?

Maybe show him a little bit of what you're into. That would help him understand how dates are supposed to go.

He is afraid of his ideas being pretty cliche, honey. He would love to take you to eat at a fancy restaurant, or maybe a picnic, just the two of you.

He can be a bit of a glutton. He does enjoy musicals, but he understands that is not exactly everyone's taste.

He is getting old, isn't he? He has even thought about going into a cafe, reading books or something. But can you two just stay home and read? Wait, why would you two even be reading, weren't you two supposed to interact?

Why would he even offer that? God, he probably needs to interact with people more.

His perfect date would probably involve nature, to his own surprise though. Probably taking you to his own home in the countryside, or maybe just being in touch with nature. Getting lost in the woods with you would be, quite the interesting experience.

→ Madeline Allen:

Do you like staying in home and binge watching series/cartoons? Cause she really doesn't like getting out of her house much.

She loves staying at home and simply having a more comfy day. Watching nostalgic movies, eating only the best snacks and having just a great time.

The only other thing that she likes to do is visit the beach whenever she can. She likes collecting shells and she'll probably show you her favorite ones. Her collection could be bigger, if her visits to the beach would be more frequent.

Actually, when she was younger she discovered the best spots to hangout when she wanted to be alone. Well, there are other people that go around that place, but not many actually enter and stay inside for long.

She would absolutely love to bring you inside the hidden grotto she found. It's really spacious, and the view is amazing, but her favorite part is watching the fishes swimming in and out of this little paradise.

The best moments to visit are when it is sunset and when it's a full moon night, it is absolutely amazing, you'll love it!

At least, she hopes so!

🍋Delinquents 🐍:

→ Jackson Macnee:

Jack doesn't really seem like it, but he kinda enjoys reading about romance, even if it's the most cliche bullshit he has ever heard.

I guess it makes sense for him to have a couple of ideas of the perfect date, he used to love reading this shit when he was studying at that snobby school.

But he is a different person now, I mean, yeah he has some ideas on where to take his darling, but he doesn't really think he will ever use his knowledge.

… But, if he ever found someone he actually has a thing for, maybe… A movie?

I mean, he could elaborate on a perfect date and all, he actually would love to elaborate on his perfect date, but- He feels like It would be pointless.

Eh, why not keep things simple? He doesn't want to sound like a dork. At least not to his darling, he would only feel self-conscious about it.

His actual idea of a perfect date is to bring his darling to watch a movie and show them his favorite part around town. He knows how to access some abandoned docks and believe, although it doesn't sound like much, the scenery can be pretty neat.

Two dorks hanging around at some docks while the sun is setting, talking about feelings and shit like that, sounds like something he read about.

→ Janette Sartorius:

Honestly, not even she knows what the fuck she wants.

Her hopeless romantic heart can only take so much love!

Every single idea sounds like the right idea. Stay at home, go out to get something to eat and drink, see some movie or concert, vandalize some shit like you're both Harley Quinn and Poison Ivy or something, find somewhere secret that only you two know how to get there and write your initials together, like-

I mean, she would probably be thinking of doing all of these.

All. Of. These. Every time you hangout she'll be already thinking of the next date.

Something she would totally love to do, would be just playing games with ya. In her house or in an arcade.

Maybe after playing some games, getting some ice cream and walking around the park. But she will always, and I mean always, stop whatever she was doing to pet the dogs along the way.

I guess what she wants is to spend time alone with you, with you two lost in each other's eyes, while she can also show the entire world how beautiful her darling is and how her darling is only hers. Her dream date would totally be in a place like an abandoned haunted house where she can hold you while your scared (and probably scare you whenever she can).

👾 A.I 🍈:

→ Yuma Soma:

Oof, oh dear. Are you the type of person to go out and eat a lot? Cause Yuma is a 100% that person.

What I mean is, they only like going out if it means being able to eat. There are so many human foods that they didn't even know while they were inside the game.

In the food department, there are a lot of things they didn't know, wait until they see the rest of what they don't know about, like other countries and other culture's cuisines.

Maybe that's what they like, going out and discovering new things. Maybe they would like making a trip around the globe with you, or just visiting local restaurants because that's way less expensive lol.

I guess their dream date would be whenever they can go out with you without being trapped inside the game, preferably if you don't run away or start yelling at them for imprisoning you.

But until then, they'll keep you in their hands and bring you to do all the things that real human couples do!

Just stop screaming from inside the game, will you?

🦊 Kitsunes 🍬:

→ Tatsumi:

Tatsumi is an absolute couch potato. He hates having to get out of his room.

But if it's a date with you, then of course he'll go! It's not everyday that the love of his eternal life asks him to go on a date!

But… Where would you go? He kinda doesn't know what to do. Most of his dates end really prematurely.

Get some drinks, have sex and take their energy and leave. He doesn't know what else he can do, love.

When it comes to his darling, sexual interactions don't really come to mind as much as he thought it would. I mean don't get me wrong, he can be a little pervy, but anything with you is already amazing darling.

If he could, he… Wishes he could have a normal day with you. Ya know? Without him being… Him. His dream date would be a day where he can do many of the things he and his darling likes, it may sound clichê but-

Whatever you do together would be wonderful either way.

🍭꒰⑅ᵕ༚ᵕ꒱˖♡🍮꒰⑅ᵕ༚ᵕ꒱˖♡🍰꒰⑅ᵕ༚ᵕ꒱˖♡🍮꒰⑅ᵕ༚ᵕ꒱˖🍭

[rachelbethhines]

Tangled Salt Marathon - King Pascal

This is, in my opinion, the worst episode of season two and I’ll get into why under the cut. 

Summary:  The group is stranded on an island after a storm. The tiny islanders, the Lorbs, mistake Pascal for their mystical ruler; the chameleon loves the adulation, until he’s expected to protect his people from a vicious monster.

Since When Did You Learn How to Sail, Rapunzel? 

So they hit the storm and Rapunzel starts doling out orders like she always does, but like, she logically shouldn’t know what to do here. She’s only been out of the tower for a little over a year and sailing takes time to learn. There’s been nothing to establish beforehand that she’s learned this stuff. If anything Eugene and Lance should be the one giving the orders here as their backgrounds could feasibly included sailing as they’re world travelers. 

Here lies part of the problem with Rapunzel’s characterization, and I’ve already touched upon it back in The Alchemist Returns, but Rapunzel can’t and shouldn’t be magically good at everything. She can be incredibly skilled in some areas, like acrobatics and the arts, but she also should have lapses in knowellage just due to a lack of experience and expertise. 

A female character isn’t ‘weak’ just because they have to sometimes rely on other characters. They shouldn’t be written to be magically better than the male characters just because they got boobs. That’s not empowering; that’s condescending. Women are people, and real people have varied skill sets and weaknesses that match their interests and backgrounds. 

So Why Is the Island Tropical? 

According to what few maps we see in the show (and yes, they are inconsistent, but bare with me), Corona is somewhere in Northern Europe near an ocean or sea. According to dialogue at the end Forest of No Return, they’ve been traveling east, and according to the map in Rapunzel’s Return, the Dark Kingdom is north east of Corona specifically. Meaning that they must be somewhere in the northern Baltic Sea right now, which is not tropical at all.  

This is part of the problem with Tangled’s ‘throw it all into a blender’ style of approach to worldbuilding. If traveling the world is going to be a major plot point for a season then we kind of need to know where things are in relation to each other. Climate should help determine such things, but if you’re all willy nilly about culture, which climate affects, than nothing is going to make sense. 

My only guess is that the island is suppose to be magical so it has a different climate to the surrounding environment, but that’s just a headcanon and not actually stated by anything in the show itself. I shouldn’t have to be doing the work of the writers for them. 

So Why are We Separating the Guys Again? 

Back in Freebird the writers needed to get Cass and Raps alone in order for them to have their bonding time and a heart to heart, but here, it’s just lazy writing. This is a Pascal focus episode and it requires that Rapunzel interact with lots of other characters, so splitting the group up doesn’t benefit the story in any way. 

The writers just didn’t want to fool with writing for eight characters at one time (I’m not counting Fidella or Owl, though logically they should be considered characters in their own right and not just props for the story, but oh well); which begs the question of why they wrote in so many characters to begin with. 

It’s also an excuse to make the girls seem more competent than the boys, which, as I explained above, is not real ‘girl power’; just bad writing.  

Let’s Talk About the Outfit Changes and How Marketing Affects the Story 

The entire point of this episode and indeed this whole island arc, is just because of marketing stipulations. Every season is required to have one Pascal focused episode and one Max focused episode, because Disney marketing wanted to sell cute animal toys. Another requirement of the story was outfit changes for the mains so that once again marketing could sell dolls and variants and such. It’s why Rapunzel, Cass, and Eugene get so many alternate costumes, while Lance doesn’t despite being with them on this journey too. 

Which is understandable to a point. American television animation has always been about selling toys and merchandise. It’s how these shows make most of their money back. If there’s a show that you enjoy and you want to support it being on the air, you need to buy the toys. Priating doesn’t do jack to the bottom line, it does not affect ratings as most people don't own a nielsen rating box. (an increasingly outdated method to calculate popularity anyways) But whether or not the toys sell is the make it or break it point of every show. 

However, there are better ways to implement these stipulations then how Tangled goes about it. You want to give Max and Pascal focus? Then actually give them focus that relates to the overall plot and not just meaningless filler. You want to the characters switch up outfits and have that tie into the story? Then make sure it fits all of the characters and don’t drag it out more than it needs to be, because this island arc it too damn long. 

And you want to know what the biggest kick in the teeth is? There’s barely any merchandise for this outfit. There’s like one paper doll set and that’s it. The toys for Tangled the Series did not sell and they stopped merchandising the show after season one. Now add in the rating plummet during seasons two and three, and we’re incredibly lucky the show didn’t get canceled outright because it’s by all accounts a financial flop. 

I suspect there was an upfront contract that guaranteed them three seasons no matter what, and that’s the only reason it managed to escape the chopping block and why Chris and Ben weren’t let go sooner from the project. Because Chris at least no longer works for Disney. He left as soon as production ended on the show. 

The False God Trope is Over Played 

I can find examples of this trope dating all the way back to the early 60s, and arguably even sooner than that. However around the 80s, after Return of the Jedi hit theaters, the trope was inescapable in children's media. Every cartoon since has had this same plot shoved in somewhere. It also became paired with the ‘liar revealed’ trope (the bane of my existence) more often. 

And that’s what this is; an incredibly stale take on an incredibly by the numbers story. I kept waiting all episode for the other shoe to drop, for some sort of twist on the usual cliche, but it never came. 

This episode is boring, aggravatingly so. It’s the main reason why it’s in my bottom five. Because while you could argue that really little kids wouldn’t be as over exposed to the trope like an adult such as myself, the writers themselves desperately tried to distance themselves from that targeted audience. They’re the ones that yell ‘it’s not a kid show’, while feeding us crap like this, and I just have to roll my eyes. 

Tangled doesn’t know who it’s audience is. It should be pre-teen girls, but the creators want shoot for an older audience, teens, while marketing wants this to be a preschool show. So the series careens wildly all over the place in terms of tone and winds up satisfying no one. Older audiences are frustrated by childish filler such as this, while younger audiences are exposed to themes and messages that they probably shouldn’t be. I know several parents who have stopped their kids from watching the series because they don’t approve of the toxic values the show prometes in its incompetence. 

It bungles so many of its attempts to be mature because it won’t actually explore the complexities of the plot. Either cause it’s wasting too much time on filler, it can’t explore it’s more disturbing elements to their natural conclusions due to the audience, or it just mistakes ‘shocking’ as deep. 

King Pascal isn’t mature or deep. It’s pointless guff that adds nothing while actively taking away from more interesting storylines. I say skip this dreck and go watch Doctor Who’s The Aztecs instead if you want to see this trope done right with maturity while still being all audience friendly. 

It’s also has the added bonus of featuring two well developed strong female characters who hold their own with the equally capable guys while actually developing all of those characters simultaneously, and was co-produced by an actual woman. If they could pull that off in the early sixties than Disney and Chris have no excuse today. 

This Is the Same ‘Lesson’ As Pascal’s Story

In addition to being boring and unoriginal, this episode is also redundant. Rapunzel already learned to show appreciation to Pascal back in season one. Why are we having her relearn this lesson instead of giving Pascal a new arc? 

It’s not even consistent as Rapunzel only acts this way towards him in his focus episodes. It’s also not a lesson in behaving condescendingly in general because Rapunzel goes on to be condensing to everyone anyways. 

So Did We Really Need This Episode Just to Introduce the Island and the Firefly? 

Yes both of these things come into play later, but not in any significant way. We’re here on this island for four whole episodes and it only comes back for one in season three, and only to further a side character’s story; not the main plot. Also the Firefly will help resolve the plot in five episodes time, but it’s just given a reintroduction there anyways. Why couldn’t this information have been condensed down and repackaged into another episode entirely? 

That’s what I mean by poor pacing. Tangled is not efficient in its storytelling. It drags things out only to give us rushed endings or no resolutions at all. Stop drop feeding info in the backgrounds of filler episodes where it’s not relevant and actually give us stories that focus on the plot, dang it. 

Once Again, Rapunzel is a Hypocrite 

Just like in Pascal’s Story during season one, Rapunzel is quick to show consideration for her oldest friend but can’t be bothered to admit fault to a teenager that she abused. One that she knows is currently facing horrendous and inhumane treatment inside of a jail cell right now and still does not give a damn. 

You can’t claim Rapunzel is a kind and compassionate person so long as Varian and his story exists.You just can’t. Because no matter how you slice it, being a minor means that there is a power imbalance in how adults and the government treats them. A power imbalance that is constantly being exploited by the mains. 

Conclusion

You won’t miss anything other than the shipwreck itself if you skipped the episode. Which is aggravating because it means it’s technically necessary to the on going story without actually adding anything substantial to it. It’s like the series opener all over again, only made worse by how boring and redundant it all is. Worst episode of season two; and now I just want to go watch Doctor Who instead. 

[sanchoyo]

danny phantom, season 3, episodes 7-13 thoughts! cannot believe im finishing this series so fast. ...cannot believe it ended like that...uh. one of the weirdest finales to a show I think I've seen, it really stood out against the rest of the series, and not in a good way, in my opinion. I paused to yell in caps lock...several times, I think, out of anger... BUT. ANYWAY, HERE WE GO.

see prev episode thoughts in this tag <3

-the fentons putting the kids to Work in the lab, with NO SAFETY GEAR. AT ALL. THEY JUST GOT BACK FROM SCHOOL AND ARE TIRED!!! and when jack asked how danny his day was and danny tried to say it was bad jack cut him off :( for the 400th time, i am stealing these kids.

-maddie and jack IMMEDIATELY SELLING THEIR LAB AND WORK FOR A LOT OF MONEY. and danny cant get into the portal anymore, oh no!!! he could always just steal vlads I Guess.

-THEY ARE VLADS NEW NEIGHBOR. OH MY GOD. this is a sitcom format. a butler came with the new mansion. i would absolutely try a kiwi fudge milkshake, why is the butler disgusted.

-the..guys in white bought the lab to shoot a missile. into the ghost zone thru the portal. bro i hate these guys

-jazz straight up setting her new bedroom up in the library. i am very very jealous

-"RATED E, FOR ENTRAILS"

-I like how the 14 year olds very quickly realize if the giw destroy the ghost zone itll destroy OUR ZONE because its just. like. the other side of the quarter so to speak. and the giw, a fully funded government agency, didnt consider that...(or worse, are willing to risk that anyway...)

-a...graphic novel version of the constitution? what in the world have you been READING SAM

-'cool, I always wanted to be called a meddling kid!' scooby doo reference...

-can they keep the butler. I love him.

-ecto latte....I also want to try that. is ectoplasm edible...

-YESS I KNEW DANNY WOULD USE VLAD'S PORTAL. vindicated.

-DANNY WHY DIDNT YOU JUST ASK JOHNNY NICELY. STEALING HIS BIKE IS SO SO RUDE.

-youngblood is also into astronaut stuff, thats really cute. and him being like 'phantom, dude!! :D' ALL EXCITED. THATS ADORABLE.

-the slapstick comedy of the giw slipping and falling and running into shit in the lab. is funny, but also, because this lab has NOOO safety codes in practice. god its a wonder dannys the only one to have died here...

-JOHNNY, SKULKER AND YOUNGBLOOD HELPING DANNY!!! I keep saying it but the other ghosts helping him. is my fav thing in the world. and, it's a really good thing the missile in the real world was harmless...otherwise the fentons wouldn't have had a home/lab to come back to...

-WULF WANTED POSTER!!! we havent seen wulfy in so long :( very funny the box ghost is offended by how much these ghosts are wanted for. first off, what do ghosts even DO WITH MONEY. does the ghost zone have its own currency??? what are ghosts BUYING

-the box ghost is So Funny, im so glad hes still got his bubble wrap. u are VERY wanted in THIS house box ghost. you are SO scary king. dont give up on ur dreams

-this needs to be a meme format. I made a transparent version, very very messily, for future use.

-this is a Fellow and a Friend

-box ghost accidentally bringing lunch for everyone, and giving people at the mall free shoes. SHOES ARE SO EXPENSIVE, ID BE SO GRATEFUL. helpful king. i feel SO bad for him lmao, he's putting in SO much effort. he wants the evil aesthetic So bad but hes Just Too Silly. I understand your plight, box ghost....

-oh my god. pandoras BOX. 'THOSE OF US IN THE BOX TRADE' HOW MANY ARE IN THIS BOX TRADE. I WANT IN. pandora is a multi-armed ghost goddess and i love her.

-SKULKER WHY ARE YOU RUNNING FROM THE EVIL UNICORN?? YOURE A HUNTER!! JUST SHOOT IT!!!!!!! JUST HUNT IT!!!

-box ghost...where did you get the cowboy hat. I respect it, i just want to know

-JAZZ COMING IN WITH THE BAZOOKA TO FIGHT THE 10 HEADED DRAGON!!! YEAH!!!!!!!!!!! and the rest of the fentons I Guess

-ignoring the sam/danny moments. I simple do not see them.

-...why doesnt danny just fly over the maze. or do the whole 'real world people act as ghosts in the ghost zone' and turn back!!! I know its just to show off the ghost greek monster designs. but STILL.

-danny being like. um. hi pandora. i found your box. >< polite...PANDORA IS SO GIANT. GIANT GHOST WOMAN. SHES GOING TO BEAT BOX GHOSTS ASS. another ghost thats nice to danny to add to the list :) and HER FORCING BOX GHOST TO APOLOGIZE. and having sandwiches with danny after making box ghost clean up. I LOVE HER.

-DANNYS 'BEWARE' AT THE END JAKHDJFKN

-okay, when dash pulled out danny's seat and was calling him buddy, for half a second I was like 'this is a prank, hes gonna pull it back' BUT THEN FRIGHT KNIGHT MY BELOVED IS BACK. AND EVERYONE STARTS CHANTING FOR DANNY TO BEAT HIS ASS WITH GHOST POWERS AND DANNY DOES WAY TOO EASILY, and im like, yup, this is a dream LMAO

-danny is getting an A+ in science :) my smart son

-DANNY WAKING UP FROM THE DREAM RIGHT BEFORE KISSING SAM AND BEING LIKE 'that was a dream...no, a NIGHTMARE!' same. not to be a hater but, shouldve been val. maybe I am a hater

-...danny running and checking the 'tapes'...why is his whole house constantly being recorded. hes been in ghost form/fights plenty of times in his house. does he have to run and wipe the tapes after?? every single time?? god

-letting this image speak for itself

-this is SO cursed

-NOCTURN'S DESIGN FUCKS SO HARD. the Venice mask vibes. also his space pattern not moving while the rest of his animation does is big chowder vibes. but this guy is basically the sandman but Evil, huh. I love dream plots. also, nocturn's design feels very similar to clockwork, like, red eyes and a scar over the same eye, but also just the purple, and the Cosmic Vibes. I want to see them fight. anyway nocturn's va was also avatar roku AND alfred in several batman cartoons.

-the 'sleepwalkers' designs were super cute in shape (kinda remind me of oogie boogie! pillow-cased shaped, which is appropriate for the 'king of dreams's minions) until I looked closer at their eyes. why do they look sewn shut!! (they open their eyes a few times, so they aren't, but they look like it...)

-I like how this show has been pretty consistent (with a few exceptions) about a Ghost Being Huge (or getting larger) = Very Powerful

-2 months of summer camping??? wtf, do camping things usually take that long?? I've never been to a camping...thing like that. but isnt that basically their entire summer??

-'the entirety of nature is your bathroom!' and thats why I do no camping despite loving nature LMAO.

-sam, at least TRY TO BE NICE TO THE OTHER GIRLS YOU'RE GOING TO BE SHARING A CABIN WITH. also, the amount of times people in this show have their SHOES ON THE BED!!! IM DISGUSTED

-swamp creature Is A Ghost. Big Foot is a Ghost. starting to think in this universe, every single cryptid or legend is a Ghost Actually

-paulina crying not only because star is missing, but because SHE FORGOT HER SUNBLOCK AND SHE BURNS SO EASILY!!!! okay girlfriends

-ghost cops are the real monsters at the camp. i.......I mean. fair. no one missed you walker

-WULF!!!!!!!!!!! WULF IS BACK!!!!!!!! MY FRIEND WULF :D MI AMAS VIN!!!!! kaj danny lernis Esperanto :)

-'relax kid, we arent here to do any harm' *immediately shoots danny* yeah. ghost cops. and also danny bringing walker 'wulf' and walker IMMEDIATELY SUCKING DANNY IN A THERMOS. FUCK OFF

-haha walker Bald. and haha walker Frozen Now

-the fenton thermos can...reverse its polarity to close portals? okay

-LIBERA MIA AMIKO. :")

-ohhh they end the ep with them star gazing, thats pretty cute...

-dani is back! ...with a new voice actress? wiki says AnnaSophia was in 3 diff movies in 2007 when this aired, so she was probably too busy... (including, bridge to terabithia aka the movie that ripped my heart out that I mentioned in the first ep Dani was in...kinda wanna rewatch it now)

-shes still scared of vlad, who's still being creepy and spying on her. 'shes hardly going to come home to daddy!' I WONDER WHY. also does vlad's cat look more evil than last time? love the concept of him going shopping for cats and being like 'give me your most EVILEST looking cat, please, so I can pet it in my spinny chair dramatically!' ...oh god white cat hair on his black suit. I have a black cat and her hair is still way too noticeable..

-vlad has a big 'valerie' button in his office. can he be pressing that button every episode, thanks

-'theres a GIRL called dani phantom?' yeah valerie. no relation, obviously, even with her looking EXACTLY like danny. so sad valerie just wants to help her dad and her get out of the place theyre in now and vlad using her. ill MAUL HIM

-dani having to STEAL FOOD. :( and valerie immediately being like oh poor kid :(( and trying to help her!!! and then dani immediately helping valerie!! this episode is starting SO well

-...and then valerie catching her. DAMN IT. and being surprised dani knew danny?? HELLO VALERIE I KNOW YOURE SMARTER THAN THIS. I AM SO SORRY THEY WROTE YOU THIS WAY. I STILL LOVE AND BELIEVE IN U !!!

-valerie lying her ASS off for a chance at gettin danny. ok <3 also 'they couldnt catch a ghost if it was living under their own roof' JSDHKJHNK

-danny. why dont you just tell valerie!! this would be so much easier if he was direct. there is NO way valerie would hurt danny (fenton) she'd be HORRIFIED. esp since she got on board helping dani!!

*is held* :)

-look at valerie and danny. flying together. about to go beat vlads ass together <333

-DANI SCREAMING AS VLAD IS MELTING HER. WHAT THE FUCCCK

-...fucking vlad convincing valerie hes a good dude with his stupid duplication. FUCK. DANNY JUST TELL H E R

-jesus christ how many times has danny had to watch loved ones die. even if she didnt stay perma-dead. glad they fixed her...

-valerie and dani pranking danny when he came out, oh :( cute...them havin fun and laughing together...babies

-BUT THEYRE JUST LETTING DANI LEAVE, AGAIN??? SHE WAS PREVIOUSLY STEALING FOOD. CHRIST GIVE HER A PLACE TO LIVE. OR A FAMILY. actually, I think it'd be really cute if, since danny isnt ready to out himself, dani went and lived with valerie?? dunno if her dad would have the money but,, it'd be a cute concept. big sis valerie...

-'tomorrow, it's game on!' 'and ill be ready to play!' THE FLIRTING....DANNY/VALERIE REAL

-oh my god,, valerie found out about vlad in the end. But he doesn’t know she knows!!! the DRAMA!!! HOLY SHIT THAT ENDING.

-this episode was. SO Much and probably one of my favorites out of s3. (I mean, there has been a gross lack of valerie this whole season, so thats not a hard choice to make...)

-FINALE EPISODE TIME.

-the title screen looks different! so no title card...

-vlad has his own fucked up satellite that looks like him?? okay. why does the animation look so different?? are they mixing cg in?? for what. anyway, vlad and the gang in SPACE. danny is 100% living his astronaut dreams rn

-'defeating frostbite' YOU BETTER NOT HAVE. YOU STOLE HIS COOL MAP. FUCK YOU VLAD

-wait oh my god. vlad is the final series boss, isn't he. I half expected a fake out, for another boss to show up midway, and for him to finally have to have a real truce with danny for this ep. ITS THE FINALE. VLAD FEELS SO UNDERWHELMING.

-And it's like-- his character isn't bad, i just feel like..he has more potential! they WANT him to seem like some smart super evil genius, but the way he's written makes that SO hard to believe...but the solid backstory and design is THERE and its FRUSTRATING.

-...DANNY CALLING VLAD OUT SAYING HE NEEDS THERAPY LMAOO THATS WHAT IVE BEEN SAYING.

-my grandpa technus is in the finale too :) 'well look on the bright side, at least im not downloading them illegally!' he says while stealing dvds. feels like hes calling me out. im watching this series on a bootleg website lmao. anyway, him turning the tech into a transformer. love that

-mASters BLASters sTOp diSAsterS shut the fuck up. you will never be valerie or danny. bite chomp kill. violence

-like this if u crie everytiem

-my god the 3d/cgi mixed in looks SO BAD IT DIDNT AGE WELL AT ALL

-the white stripe in dannys hair kinda rules tho. did he just KILL HIS GHOST HALF??? 'revert his human half back to normal' UM. you ever unkill yourself. why are his friends/jazz so mad about it, he'll be in a lot less danger!! christ. they can still hunt ghosts!! as humans!! if they want to!! hes 14 if he wanted to be normal. let him. vlads stupid little team has things COVERED apparently. why are they acting like this. jazz would never act like this. is this fake whats going ON

-oh my god jack was in a college band. vlad was also in the band. what did instruments they play. i didnt need that headline to tell me they sucked, but i want to KNOW MORE REGARDLESS

-valerie was here for 0.3 seconds.

-sam calling danny selfish. the audacity. no one is stopping YOU from hunting ghosts, girl. valerie does it!!

-I'm halfway through the episode and incredibly underwhelmed so far.

-why would they send jack and 3 teens to space to destroy the asteroid. why not professional astronauts. not even the 3 teens that have already been to space this episode...

-jack getting beat up by teenagers. ON TV. IN SPACE. I GUESS. I GUESS EVERYONE AGREED TO SEND JACK BECAUSE..VLAD SAID SO? we know it was to embarrass jack, but why would everyone agree. why didnt any other space program Do More or whatever, they sent like, 3 rockets/missiles tops?? no way

-danny attempting to punch vlad in the face. i WISH HE WOULDVE LANDED THAT HIT.

-vlad outed himself on live tv, on purpose? and BLASTED AT THE TEENAGERS HE HIRED. LMAO. HES HOLDING THE WORLD HOSTAGE, MAKING THEM PAY HIM BILLIONS TO STOP THE STUPID ASTROID. THATS YOUR GRAND PLAN??? REALLY. REALLY. im like. lmfao

-jack just now, on the last episode GETTING TOLD HE MADE VLAD A GHOST. THIS SHOULDVE HAPPENED WAY SOONER. jack's reaction was one of the only times in this entire show hes seemed human. 'an old friend? no. you? yes.' GET HIS ASSSS ACTUALLY. HE STRAIGHT UP LEFT VLAD IN SPACE. GOD DAMN. that is a Murder! I mean, I guess vlad could fly back to earth, but...I mean, he'll have to, right? no food in space. (that we KNOW of...)

-'thE WHolE EArtH, INTangiBLe?!' oh my god.

-...the white strand of hair somehow still had ghost dna, I guess, and getting blasted turned him back into phantom. I GUESS. I GUESS.

-the fentons being the first to clap for danny despite not knowing hes phantom...that was sweet. and very sudden character development, not at all gradual over the course of time or episodes like it probably should have been...

-sam and danny kissing. IT SHOULDVE BEEN VALERIE, BUT OKAY, I GUESS. also, its a little underwhelming, considering theyve kissed already...

-ALL of the ghosts being ready to beat danny's ass? really. no they wouldn't, they've worked together before, and some of those ghosts are friendly!! cringe. why is the last ep written like this. I mean they came thru at the last minute but. was really cringing for a minute there, why did they write it like that

-valerie is there for another 0.3 seconds! ....she should've been more involved. dani is also there! for also like 0.3 seconds. almost fast enough to miss. (btw, I think shes still homeless at this point, are, we going to...do ANYTHING ABOUT THAT IN THE LAST 5 MINS OF THE SHOW)

-the cgi smoke or whatever it is. this whole post is me saying the cgi is bad, but IT IS.

-'danny or should we say. DAAANNNNY.' this is like the 3rd or 4th time hes been outed damn, but to the whole world, again. and valerie saw, and is just. an extra in the bg clapping. bro im so mad.

-TUCKER IS THE NEW MAYOR? WHAT THE FUCK?? HES 14.

-i think. this is still linked to the dream ep a few times ago. hes still dreaming. this is a plot a 14 year old would write. this feels like a bad fanfic. so much got rushed, and not tied up. vlad wasnt really even the villain this episode, a fucking. non-being asteroid was.

-they kiss again. ok. sure. whatever at this point.

-VLAD IS NOW A FREE-ROAMING SPACE NOMAD. I GUESS. THATS. SURE. WHATEVER. THE END, I GUESS. cannot believe I'm saying this, but: they did vlad dirty.

-IF YOU'RE GOING TO MAKE HIM A VILLAIN, MAKE HIM A VILLAIN!!! DON'T MAKE IT A METEOR!!! STOP BEING WISHY WASHY WHO WANTS TO SEE DANNY VS ASTEROID!!! I didnt even WANT vlad to be the final villain because his character is SO back and forth (esp this season.) but he has done some FUCKED UP SHIT AND I WANTED THE WRITERS TO DOUBLE DOWN, PERSONALLY, IF THEY HAD TO MAKE HIM THE FINAL BOSS. the cabin ep where he basically held danny and maddie hostage? FUCKED. THE DANI THING? FUCKED. FUCKING COMMIT AND MAKE HIM ACTUALLY SCARY OR HAVE HIM FUCK OFF AND AGREE TO A TRUCE!! WHAT IS THIS DYING IN SPACE NONSENSE. (and, he will (fully) die out there, right? still half human, still needs food and water. I imagine he'll like, slowly half-die but this time his human side is dying. will he come back 100% ghost? we dONT KNOW. WE DONT GET TO SEE, ITS PLAYED LIKE SOME FUNNY THING AT THE END, THEN THATS IT!!! WHAT!!!)

-I don't know how to articulate how FRUSTRATING THAT IS. having him basically out himself and ''hold the world hostage'' does not track at all in my brain. like. he's always been scary because he is HUMAN, TOO. like, if he was 100% ghost, he'd be LESS scary, but vlad MASTERS has more power and influence than vlad PLASMIUS because of his position as mayor, his money, too, and his (supposed, s3 made me doubt it) intelligence/manipulation skills, and his being in good graces with jack made it HARD FOR DANNY. him outing himself for,, money and to 'control the world' i guess?? MONEY WAS NEVER HIS LIKE, MAIN GOAL. yeah obv he likes money and is materialistic and values his Rich Life, but hes got billions, the end goal? 1. getting maddie (and or danny as his son, but to me he always treated that as secondary) 2. ruining jack. this feels like they wanted to say 'oh he just wants POWER' which is. HMM?? OKAY?? obv he /does/ want power (usually over certain ppl, tho), but seeing him try to get it like this FELT WEIRD SOMEHOW. weird like the ep where he tried and failed to take over various historical civilizations, because like,, how is that realistically going to do anything for him?? just, being in that time forever and never seeing maddie aka Goal #1 again?? HELLO??? this was like that, but worse

-this was such a weird ending to an entire show. why did season 3 only have 13 episodes?? why did it feel so weirdly paced?? WHY WAS THE ENDING LIKE THAT. I think. I am going to pretend I did not see that. fucked up, dudes. I'm like...hm. I shouldn't have watched that because now I'm mad. valerie sweetie im SO sorry you shouldve been more present. it felt like..if they knew this season was going to be short, and the last season, they should've spent more time wrapping up EVERYONE'S plot lines for the entire season. imagine how cool it wouldve been if every single ep of season 3 was working towards something, a big, nice wrap up at the end, with nothing feeling TOO rushed because they'd been heading towards the End for the whole season....

I will probably end up writing a follow up full series thoughts post. In a couple of days so I can sit with my thoughts. BUT. overall, I really liked the show! (ignoring the finale and some of the moments that aged pretty poorly...) it was charming and a fun concept and very fun to watch in general :) and I am pretending the finale didnt happen <3 and I’m gonna dive RIGHT into the dp tags and mix fanart and posts in my queue, very excited to run and look at that 🏃🏻 (and, of course, make more fanart myself hehe >:3)

[dem-cp-hoes]

Sorry to bother you, but can you do some wholesome/cute head canons for the creepypastas please?

You're not bothering at all, no worries😊

Though I think these turned out to be general hc rather than cute but... 🤷‍♀️

---------------------------------------------------

Jeff:

I think it's pretty much canon that Jeff names his knives. Most people would think that he gives them badass names but nah...

His favorite is named Martha, no one else is allowed to touch her

There's also Kule, Austin and Annie, sometimes he talks to them (mostly about Liu)

No, you can't point it out/comment on it, it'll upset him

Smile is his best friend, Ben is jealous

His hair gets curly after a few days, which means he has to straighten it with an iron

He also puts his hair buns, or ponytails around the house (he looks good tbh)

^the reason he always has hair ties as well

He's either dead asleep or hasn't slept for 4 days straight, there's no in-between

Not a total asshole all the time, surprisingly

He doesn't make mean comments about things that hit too close to home

Like, sure he's gonna tease Toby for his ticks but he's never gonna mention his sister

He makes up his own curse words

He puts on chapstick, but no one knows

Everyone knows, they've seen him, Ben has a video

He talks during movies, questioning the logic and making comments about characters' decisions, nobody minds bc it's hilarious since everything he says is on point

He drinks the sweetest coffee with milk and 3 spoonfuls of sugar at least

Loves romantic movies, but he has a reputation

Has a small cactus in his room, it was a gift from Ben, he takes good care of it

Ben:

He has freckles!!! He has freckles everywhere!!! (sorry I got excited, I just love freckles) but bc of the whole dead/demon thing, you have to get close to him of you want to see them

Owns a lot of fandom themed hoodies and t-shirts

He can mimic a lot of cartoons' voices, including the jigglypuff song, it's quite impressive

He's very proud of it

Ben is a genius, since he's mostly attached to a computer he has access to anything the internet has to offer, so lots of knowledge

Sometimes he can answer like Alexa/Siri does if someone calls his name and asks something

The others think he can't control it and ask him things all the time

He absolutely can control it and only does it to fuck with them by giving them bullshit answers that sound legit

He collects action figures, what a dork

Has a hamster, his name is Picachu

He gets teased a lot over it, let him live pls

The others secretly love it tho

Loves to watch people argue through their cameras

He lives for the drama

"Ben what are u doing?" "I'm watching this couple in New Jersey, apparently Sharon cheated on Nick again, but this time with his sister!!!"

When he giggles/gets embarrassed his ears become bright red

Sits on the floor, sits on tables, sits on Jane, Slender is convinced he doesn't know what a chair is

Jack:

Any perfume with a very heavy scent makes him sneeze a lot

He refuses to believe he is hurt/sick

Jack, while being held down by all the proxies: Guys, I told you I'm fINE, I CAN WORK TODAY, JUST LET ME GO!!

He has a lot of animal mannerisms

Like licking someone he likes on the cheek, purring/growling, sniffing etc

Bruh, you scratch behind his ears or under his chin and his whole chest vibrates with purring

He tilts his head on the side when he's confused, like a dog

Loves scented candles, he has a bunch of them in his room

His favorite scent is lavender

He can in fact eat human food, it just can't sustain him all that well and anything that is not overly seasoned tastes bland

With that being said, he loves spicy food bc he can taste it properly

Jane screamed when she saw him eat an entire plate of ghost peppers with no milk

The jingle of keys makes his head turn sharply towards the sound, once again like a dog

He can fall asleep anywhere, and I mean anywhere

The porch? More than once

In another's room? Of course

In slender's office? That was quite an interesting thing to explain

In the middle of the kitchen? Yeah, once

He's just a sleepy boi

Jack is the one who knows everyone's ticklish spots bc gives check ups

Likes listening to audio books on his free time

Masky:

He drinks Irish coffee (for those of you who don't know, it has alcohol in it)

Once Masky called Slender dad (sleep deprived) and then proceeded to slam his head down on the table and say a bad word

Sally once made him a flower crown for his birthday

He refused to take it off for 5 hours!!

Won't sleep with less than 2 pillows

He considers his one True near death experience to be when he almost choked on one of Jane's fake eyelashes (long story)

He has mastered the 'disapproving face' game', even when he wears the mask, you can feel it's there

He's around Toby, what did you expect?

Doesn't trust giraffes ("why are they so fucking long????")

He has a very contagious laugh when he really laughs, even when he just grins

Can give the best hugs, hands down

Like you feel so warm and protected when he hugs you

And it doesn't help the fact that he smells like the forest after a rainy day.... (now I want a hug)

Hoodie:

He has dirt on everyone

Mainly bc he's quiet and reliable so people tell him stuff

Has Masky saved in his phone as 'Bae' and when people see it they ask, "Is he your boyfriend?"

And he replies with, "Nah, it stands for Biggest Asshole Ever"

Drinks tea by the gallon

Reigning champion of "How many objects can we put on Jeff while he sleeps"

Hoodie has those "hoe don't do it" moments pretty much every day

Jeff trying to start shit, Ben is planning a prank on someone, someone insulted Slender. Every time

Award winning smile

His hair is the softest thing ever I swear-

Will make tea for anyone he sees that's having a rough day

He likes to sketch people, he's actually pretty good

He likes to read books to calm down

If someone wants to he will read out loud to them

Toby:

Don't give him energy drinks

It won't make him hyper, oh no, but it will make him do dumb shit

Once, Helen made the mistake of handing him a red bull, and let's just say he was found playing a mix between 'the floor is lava' and 'don't let the balloon touch the floor'

It was intense

President of Protect the Bees and very proud of it

Will follow through with literally any dare, he takes impulsivity to new levels

Will let Sally do his hair and dress him up to play princess

That friend who sends you fucking memes at 3am just to be a prick

It's easy to get him flustered, especially if someone flirts with him

He is obsessed with sour sweets, not even he knows why

There's no such thing as personal space, he's comfortable around everyone

Gets excited when he sees a cartoon on tv from when he was a kid

Places the stickers Sally gives him on the headboard of his bed

He knows how to say, "can I pet your dog?" in 4 languages

[frenchiefie]

I was tagged by @elven-ink aaaaa thANK YOUUUU!! <333

Rules:  name ten favorite characters from ten different things (tv, movies, books, etc.), then tag ten some people.

Ooooh boy this is gonna be tough I have.... a lot of faves bUT HERE WE GO

1. Joker (from all media but some faves are Telltale and Gotham asdhasj)

An awful lad!! A terrible boi, an all time fave!! Chaotic and fun, he’s the worst clown and I love him. I started loving him when I was 11 after watching the Dark Knight and kinda forgot about him and then learned in college how fun the animated/game/comic versions of him are sdfhsdjf,,, He holds a special place in my heart because I met some of the best people in my life through this mutual interest!

2. Handsome Jack (Borderlands series)

WOULD YOU LOOK AT THAT??? Another awful and terrible lad, it’s debatable that he is worse than Joker. I have a type of fave chara, obviously. I would not want to meet him. Ever. I love him. I think just.... his voice??? The rambles he go on that are just so fun and silly despite the absolute malice behind him or the horrible things he’s saying?? IT’S SO,,, AASHDAJ ALSO HIS HERO COMPLEX.. AWFUL

3. Spinel (Steven Universe)

Ah, finally someone I would want to meet. Also terrible but she’s doing her best and means well!! Please let me give her a hug. She’s toony and silly and I would die for her as quickly as I’d let her kill me. Her animation in the movie is ABSOLUTELY EVERYTHING LIKE OH MY GOD. Also her voice and songs are just... chef kissu,,

4. Jack Spicer (Xiaolin Showdown)

hAHAHAHAHA ÑERD! ! ! SUCH A ÑERD!! DON’T BELIEVE PEOPLE THAT SAY HE’S COOL HE AIN’T!! But he is genuinely very smart in terms of robotics despite his lack of street smarts and struggle in interacting with anyone ever and honestly??? I love him so much and want to be his friend. He’s an original fave!

5. Princess Peach (Nintendo)

Ooooh! ! ! OH MY GOD AN ANGEL!! I L O V E HER SHE’S PRETTY AND SOFT AND I WOULD LIKE HER TO BE MY WIFE PLEASE??? She’s my go to in any game where she is a playable character and I love when they give her a sassy and incredibly strong-willed personality like in the first Super Paper Mario game I played ;o;

6.Sir Pentious (Hazbin Hotel)

OH ANOTHER AWFUL TERRIBLE BOI??? I love him but god he’s such a loser. That makes me love him more. He’s got Saturday morning cartoon villain vibes but unlike them he can say “fried chicken fetuses” so like,,, y’know. Love that. ALSO HIS DESIGN!! HE SNEK!! HE SMILEY!! SHORP TEEF!! MANY EYES!! EVOL BABEY.

7. Medic (TF2)

AWFUL AWFUL AWFUL AWFUL TERRIBLE BOIS ALL OVER. HAHAHAHAHA Medic is a pure agent of chaos, I am honestly surprised he lost his medical licence due to the fact that it seems impossible that he would ever get it in the first place. He likes to challenge the laws of nature and radiate evol vibes while also wanting to protecc his team... him..

8. Entrapta (She-Ra)

oooOOOH GOD AAAAAAA SHE,,, What an absolute sweetheart!! She’s eccentric and doesn’t quite know how read the room but she has such a pure heart underneath her seemingly blinding pursuit of scientific discovery. She’s like the evol scientist archetype I love without the evol (despite working for the villains side bUT LIKE... IT’S CO MPL IC A T ED). Also her hair is cool.. love her.. also she loves tiny food??? Cute...

9. Lord Death (Soul Eater)

ANOTHER OLD TIME FAVE FROM MY MIDDLE SCHOOL DAYS! I love Kid equally but like... idk I just always think of Death first cause his design is so MEMORABLE AND FUN. I love characters that look goofy but can and will kill you. And also he loves his son and his school and his students and his son SO HECKIN MUCH I LOVELVOLEOVE

10. Father (Kids Next Door)

MORE OLD FAVES!!! MORE AWFUL BOIS!! I always loved him for his design but after the Operation Zero movie came out and we learned his backstory and what he looks like outside of his fire... uh??? Suit??? HE QUICKLY BECAME A FAVE... IDK LIKE THE... THE ÑERD LOOK.... THE VILLAIN THAT JUST WANTS APPROVAL?? THE RELATION TO THE HERO?? LOVE IT ALL. EXCELLENT. TOP NOTCH CONTENT.

uHHHH I TAG UHHHH @clownmoontoon​ @trashiny @bellandpebbles @alpacasandravens @bubble-beetle​ IF U WANT!! aND ANYONE ELSE! !  WHO WANTS TO DSGASGDHJ

[chelseaheskett]

CHRISTMAS EVE, 2019 @ THE HOLT HOUSE

They were late getting the presents under the tree this year. Not for a lack of trying: Vanessa, quite adventurous, thought it would be fun and hilarious to tear off all the wrapping paper and low-hung ornaments from the Christmas tree. It was frustrating, sure, but all Chelsea could do was laugh when she found her little girl surrounded by baubles and fir and gift wrap in the living room. If she didn’t laugh about it, then she was sure to cry about it. Laughing and cleaning it up seemed easier. No use crying over spilled milk and all that. Now her and Elliot were up early morning Christmas Eve, preparing for the holiday before the sun could come up, while the rest of the house was still sound asleep. 

They were almost through wrapping and re-wrapping all the presents when they took a break. Chelsea constantly had to pee, anyway, so Elliot was the real hero. He did most of the work. “Here you go, baby.” She said, emerging from the kitchen with a freshly brewed cup of coffee for him. Empty wrapping paper rolls and jagged edges and small torn pieces of wrap covered the coffee table, so she handed it to him directly on the couch. She plopped down beside him, cradling her stomach. Twenty-seven weeks pregnant, now. Thankfully, Chelsea was starting to even out a little, mentally. Elliot was in and out of his sling, getting closer to recovery. Everything was starting to settle again. The miracle of Christmas! God, she loved Christmas. Ever since meeting Elliot, and falling in love with him then, it had become her favourite time of the year. She was so content that she didn’t even mind the early wake-up time. 

Chelsea threw her legs over Elliot’s lap. They were still warm and comfy in their pyjamas; Elliot in a long-sleeved shirt and his trademark cartoon PJ pants. These ones were white and fleece and had snowmen and reindeer and other animals printed all over them. Chelsea was in loose and matching flannel maternity PJs that she paired with pink bed socks. She flexed her toes in them, scratching the soft material against Elliot’s forearm. “You know what I want for Christmas?” Chelsea prompted, shifting to tuck herself under his arm, so she could cuddle into his chest. She paused for dramatic effect, wondering how his mind was going to wander... It did sound a little suggestive, in nature. She let him go that way for a moment, kinking an eyebrow, before finally putting her request out there in the open. “I want us to pick a name for the baby.” Chelsea raised her head, peeking up at him to gauge his reaction. “Can we do that today, please? Can we do that now?” She asked, sounding hopeful. Put on the puppy dog eyes, just in case.

They decided on a first name together by the time one of the babies (Isaac) started wailing on the monitor. Luca. They were going to call their little peanut Luca. There was something about short names, when it came to their boys: Jack, Isaac, Luca. Alex, too, in a way. Even if it was a nickname for Alexander, and even if he had nothing to do with Chelsea, it still counted. Chelsea still liked to count him, rest his soul. Their girls had long names, for some reason? Genevieve and Vanessa. It was cute, when she thought about it. She grinned, when she did. She loved her family. And that’s why Chelsea loved Christmas so much: spending so much time surrounded by her favourite people, celebrating them and showering them with gifts and love and appreciation. It was Thanksgiving turned up a notch. She just felt so happy. So happy and loved and fulfilled.

By noon, everyone was awake and dressed and running amok. Jenny was with Lucy until tomorrow morning, which kinda sucked, but Chelsea tried not to let it ruin her good mood.  Vanessa and Jack were in the kitchen with Elliot, who was cutting them up fruit for a snack. Isaac was clutching Chelsea’s cardigan on the couch, and trying to rip the holes wider in her jeans. He touched her stomach constantly, copying what he saw Elliot do all the time. Babbled to her belly, too. There was an animated Christmas movie flickering on the TV in the background, but Isaac wasn’t paying attention. He was more interested in watching Chelsea browse the internet on her laptop. She scrolled through her computer with one hand and brushed through Isaac’s hair with the other. 

“Elliot, baby, come here!” Chelsea shouted from the living room. Vanessa and Jack came running through the archway with plastic bowls. Elliot wasn’t too far behind, carrying one for Isaac. “Thanks, hon.” She said, tilting her head up to give him a kiss when he got close. “Say ‘thank you, Daddy’, baby.” Chelsea turned to Isaac to coach him. “Tank you, Daddy.” Isaac enunciated, grabbing a hold of his fruit bowl. He, too, lifted his chin to get a kiss. Chelsea lightly laughed. Yeah, this was the good life. Elliot sat down beside them on the couch and Chelsea passed over her laptop for him to see. Isaac nibbled on a piece of chopped up banana and slid off the couch to join Jack and Vanessa on the floor mat by the television set. He left his bowl behind, but Isaac never got too far away from them, anyway. Chelsea moved it to the coffee table, clean now, and bumped her shoulder against Elliot’s.

As always, Chelsea had to explain. “There’s this lady that makes these name signs, y’know, for like... newborn announcements and for room decor and... it lets you type in a name and see what they look like, with the design you want, before you buy one, so...” Her leg was bouncing, she was so excited. She pointed to the preview image on the laptop. A wooden circle, with animals printed on top, and the name Luca Elliot scripted above a hand-drawn star. They didn’t get a chance to discuss middle names earlier. Chelsea hoped he liked it. Hoped he wouldn’t push back against it, considering it was his name. Chelsea sucked in a breath. “What do you think? Do you like it? The... the sign and the name, I mean.” Chelsea asked, thumbing his wrist. “Should I buy it?”

The doorbell started chiming. Chelsea pulled a face, wondering who it was. Her Mom was in Wilmington until her flight back tonight, and they weren’t supposed to be seeing Macy and Amy and their families until dinner tomorrow. Last minute Amazon delivery? She wasn’t sure. “I’ll get it!” Chelsea announced, struggling to get off the couch with all her baby weight. She held her bump as she walked to answer the front door. 

Happiness was only momentary. The other shoe always dropped eventually. And again, again, everything came crashing down around her. Around them. They couldn’t even have one day, one damn holiday, without something bad happening, could they? Her shoulders tensed. She gritted her teeth. “What the hell are you doing here, Christian? You need to go.” Chelsea practically spat, holding onto the door, quite ready to slam it in his face. She felt sick at the sight of him. Angry. She’d punch him in the face again if she had to. 

“Chelsea, please just give me a chance—”  

“A chance? Are you dumb?” Chelsea cut him off, laughter bubbling at her lips. “It’s literally Christmas. Leave. Now.” It was either of his own accord or in a body bag, at this point! 

Christian held his ground. “Yeah, you’re right, it is Christmas.” Chelsea squinted at him, wondering what the hell he was trying to get at. “And my father is in town—”

“Good for you, asshole!” She swore, interrupting him again. Thanks for rubbing it in, Christian. Chelsea’s eyes prickled with tears, briefly thinking about her own father, and tried to close the door. Christian kept it open with the palm of his hand. Chelsea’s heart started to race. He could easily overpower her, like he’d done once before... but Elliot and her kids were in the house. Where was Elliot? She was surprised he hadn’t come to check on the door. It didn’t matter. He was better off staying out of this one, staying safe inside the living room. 

“My father, William Pearson.” Christian said forcefully. So? Sounded like a common name. Must’ve been plenty of them in California, let alone in all of America. But Chelsea wasn’t that stupid. She connected the dots pretty quickly. Refused to swallow the thought, though. Nope. She couldn’t believe that. She wasn’t going to buy into his bullshit.

“Goodbye, Christian.” Chelsea tried to close the door again, but it was no use. The fear and anxiety felt like it was choking her; labouring her breaths. 

“Elliot’s my brother.” Christian said it, anyway. Chelsea squeezed her eyes shut. She couldn’t be hearing this. Not now, not ever. “I swear I didn’t know. I just found out...”

“You’re lying.” Chelsea’s voice was rough. She opened her eyes just to glare at him, trying to will him away. Christian reached his hand out to... touch her? Comfort her? She wasn’t sure, but took her opening and slammed the door shut. Deadlocked it. Almost caught his hand in the frame. That would’ve been good, that would’ve been payback. Chelsea tried to control her breathing, hiding behind the closed door. Christian was still outside, on the porch. She could hear him.

“I have proof! I have pictures, I brought my birth certificate. I have Elliot’s, too. I have it all here.” Christian said through the door. Chelsea turned to press her back to it. Elliot was standing there, right there in the entryway. Oh God. Her knees started to buckle. Chelsea had to grip the door frame to keep herself from collapsing. Her heart rate was through the roof. 

[shy-violet-soul]

Together Again

Summary: When Hannah visits Manda, serious discussions on the merits of Disney movies are interrupted when a hidden talent comes to light. Pairings: none. Hannah, Manda, Dean Winchester, Sam Winchester, Castiel, & Jack Warnings: none; fluffy garbage one shot Word count: 1300 ish A/N: I’ve been so tickled at the excitement of my friend @pinknerdpanda over the anticipated visit of her twinny @hannahindie. So, under the influence of pneumonia, I wrote this silly one shot just for them. I hope you’re both having a great time, HanPan!

“I just don’t understand the appeal. I mean, there’s literally dozens that are better.”

“It’s just a movie, Dean.”

Dean frowned at Sam as he stirred.

“Sometimes it’s like I don’t even know you. It’s never just a movie, Sam.”

Sam rolled his eyes as he placed forks and napkins down on the tray.

“I’m just saying that ‘Beauty and the Beast’ was a big deal. It helped to usher in the Disney Renaissance. Did you know it was only the second movie to use computer animation? They had transitioned from hand painting to xerox, and the best scene to showcase the CGI was the ballroom dance sequence. And, they actually reused some animation from ‘Sleeping Beauty’. Plus-”

“La la la la la, you’re ruining the magic with all your facts and trivia, Sam!” Dean burst out, fingers in his ears. “I’m just saying that ‘The Little Mermaid’ is clearly superior.”

“Right, like I didn’t catch you humming ‘Gaston’ when I came in here,” Sam scoffed, taking the bowl of guacamole Dean handed him.

Dean scowled as he pulled the baking sheet from the oven. “Shut up.” With a final dusting of salt, the food was done. “What do you think?”

Nodding appreciatively from the morsel he’d snitched, Sam gave him a thumbs up. “Another good batch, Dean.”

The elder Winchester grinned as he sidled the steaming nachos onto the tray. “What can I say? No one shreds cheese like Dean, or spreads beans like Dean.”

Sam rolled his eyes again, groaning as he followed his brother to the man cave. Cas and Jack stood just beyond the door, whispering to each other amid the chorus of dancing notes and girlish giggles.

“So, it’s a cartoon movie about a man turned into a large animal who falls in love with a girl?” Jack wanted to know.

“Yes. But an animal of that physiologic structure would be unable to walk upright on its hind legs for such extended periods of time,” Cas explained seriously. The nephilim nodded, peaking into the man cave carefully.

“And what is a ‘hanpan’? I’ve never heard that word before. Why do they call themselves that? Is it a club or league of some kind?”

“Not entirely. They’ve chosen to create a portmanteau using their names. Han for Hannah, and Pan for Panda.”

Jack frowned in confusion. “But Manda’s name is Manda, not Panda.”

“That is correct, but her Tumblr name is Panda. She likes it. So, when she and Hannah are together, they call themselves Hanpan.”

The younger man nodded pensively. “So, it’s like ‘Destiel’ or ‘Sabriel’? Are those also portmanteaus?” he queried as Dean and Sam paused behind them.  

Both men and the angel of the Lord groaned, their heads dropping in pained exasperation. Dean glared at Sam as he moved to step forward.

“I blame you for showing him that hell site.” Waltzing into the dim interior of the man cave, Dean slapped a smile on his face. “Alright, ladies! I interrupt this monstrosity to bring you my own personal creation - Dean-errific Nachos Supreme. With homemade guacamole, I might add,” he declared, setting the tray down before them with a flourish.

“Dean! That’s awesome!” Manda scrambled to pause the movie, smiling up at him amid pixie-blue curls.

Hannah’s reaction was different. “Dean! Knock first, you dork!” she squealed, shoving the item in her hands down into the couch cushions.

“Knock? I live here,” Dean countered, flinching a bit from the glare the other girl shot him. “I’m even sharing my beer!” He gestured at the tray with a conciliatory motion.

Manda cackled as she forked some cheesy goodness onto a plate and handed it to her friend. “You just took her by surprise. She’s working on a present for you.”

“Manda!” she hissed, her eyes narrowing adorably. Dean perked up at the words.

“A present? I love presents! What is it?”

Hannah frowned, twirling a lock of honey-colored hair around her fingers. “It’s not porn or pie.”

Dean crossed his arms over his chest, trying to look offended. It was hard when Manda’s visiting friend was so cute.

“I do have other interests than just pie and porn.”

“Oh, yeah? Name one.”

Dean’s brain froze for a moment, but Manda beat him to the punch.

“Disney movie anthems. Baby. History on the Vikings, especially now that the show is on Hulu.”

Hannah grinned up at Dean as she picked up her plate.

“Disney movie anthems, huh? I bet you can belt out ‘You’re Welcome’ like it’s nobody’s business.”

Manda chortled around a mouthful of nacho.

“You should hear him own ‘Let it Go’. Gives Idina a run for her money.”

Tail feathers a bit stepped on, Dean poked an annoyed finger at Manda.

“That song revolutionized Disney. Elsa came into her own in that song.”

“Whatsa matter, Dean? You need a warm hug?”

The girls fell into stitches as the hunter scowled at both of them. Manda nudged her friend with her foot.

“Seriously, show him.”

“But it’s not finished!”

“He’ll love it. C’mon.” Manda smiled up at Dean. “She’s really, really good.”

Interest well and truly caught, Dean turned his most charming smile on the other girl.

“Just a peak? I’ll make my famous Snicker-snap cookies,” he wheedled. Hannah huffed and sighed before digging back into the cushions.

“Just remember, it’s not done, and my pattern isn’t the greatest, so I’m having to improvise my work in places.”

Dean carefully took the small wooden hoop in his hands, his eyes and mouth falling open as he perused the fabric.

“Guys! Get in here and look at this!”

On the fabric was cross stitched ‘Driver picks the music, Shotgun shuts his cake hole.’. Below the letters was painstakingly worked an image of the Impala. A second one had been started on the opposite side, the needle and black thread poked through to mark her place.

Jack looked at Hannah in wonder.

“You made this?”

Hannah squirmed a little under everyone’s gaze.

“Yeah.”

“Hannah, this is amazing! Can I...would you make one for me?” Sam asked hesitantly, one finger brushing the edge of the fabric.

“Uh - sure.”

“I enjoy the simple font and blocking of the letters. The use of tiny x’s to create images and patterns is very pleasing,” Cas intoned, studying the work intently.

“Hannah, can you teach me how to do that? Is it super hard?”

“Sure, Jack. I can get you started on something simple. There are some that have the pattern printed right on the fabric. I’m here for four more days, Manda and I will take you shopping. Sound good?”

The younger man’s smile was huge as he rushed out of the room, headed to his laptop to start Googling, they knew. Cas and Sam soon followed, both talking about the intricacies and hand-eye coordination needed for such talent. The girls stared up at Dean as he stared at the work.

Dean swallowed, then swallowed again. He had to clear his throat before he shot Hannah a huge smile.

“Awesome. This is - wow. You’re awesome,” he grinned, shooting Hannah a wink that melted her as he handed the hoop back to her. Then, he stood to his full height and pointed at both of them. “I’m making those Snicker-snaps, and when you’re done watching this trash, we’re watching ‘Frozen’.”

And with that, he hustled out of the room. Hannah turned to Manda, a bewildered smile on her face winking the dimples into place.

“Wow.”

Manda smiled at her friend, crunching her nachos happily.

“Yep. And we’re getting cookies. Let’s fire up the movie because he won’t let us finish it if he’s done first.”

Hannah revisited her pattern as she took up her stitching while Manda pressed play. Their giggles filled the room watching Cogsworth’s and Lumiere’s antics. They didn’t really care if they got cookies or not, or if Dean interrupted the ending to watch ‘Frozen’. They were just happy to finally be together.

[britesparc]

Weekend Top Ten #369

Top Ten Favourite Things About Teen Titans Go!

One of the funny things about life is observing elements of circularity. For instance, nearly twenty years ago, my younger brother really got into the original Teen Titans cartoon, and I sort of got into it with him (having a brother ten years younger than yourself is very good for keeping your oar in with kids’ content when you’re supposed to be too old for that sort of thing; as a result, I got to thoroughly enjoy Justice League, Samurai Jack, Harry Potter and lots more stuff that may have otherwise passed me by). I knew who the Titans were but hadn’t read a lot of their comics; the cartoon was my introduction to most of those characters. It was really good, benefited from a tremendous theme tune, and – for its time – quietly revolutionary in how it incorporated anime aesthetics into a western cartoon. Plus it had a cracking voice cast, which – not that I knew it at the time – would become as synonymous with those characters as Peter Cullen, Frank Welker, and Kevin Conroy had done with cartoons I’d watched as a child.

(that’s Optimus, Megatron, and Batman, in case you’re wondering)

Anyway, here we are, eighteen-or-so years later, and Teen Titans is just a beloved long-gone cult classic but bizarre comedic spin-off Teen Titans Go! is a minor phenomenon. The same characters, the same actors, but wilder, weirder, funnier, crazier, way more violent, and – bizarrely – far more integrated into the wider DC Universe. And my kids – especially my eldest daughter – bloody love the show. It is huge in our house. We’ve seen the film, we listen to the songs, they draw their own comics, they roleplay the characters; we have a home-made Raven costume, for god’s sake. I have a six-year-old who knows who Tara Strong is. This is incredible.

As a result, I’ve seen an awful lot (not quite every episode) of Teen Titans Go!. It’s fortunate, then, that it’s fantastic, easily one of the best comic-book cartoon adaptations ever made. It’s not just how funny it is; it’s madcap and self-referential and full of many (many) MANY DC comics references. And great, great songs. And – like I said before – tremendous performances. Teen Titans Go! To the Movies is a great, great movie with great, great songs and many great, great gags, and it’s a mixed blessing that it ended up being released in what may well be Annus Mirabilis for superhero movies: it’s great that it’s mixing it up with Infinity War, Black Panther, and Spider-Verse, but I feel it got overshadowed a bit. Say what you will for the slightly more “serious” original Teen Titans series, but it was the barmy chibi-inspired stepchild that got a movie.

So this week, I’m celebrating what has become my second-favourite superhero cartoon of all time (after Batman: The Animated Series, natch). My ten favourite things about Teen Titans Go!. Enjoy!

The Songs: I tried to pick a song, or some reference or line or scene, but really it’s impossible. The songs are sublime. So great, in fact, that I’ll probably do another Top Ten at some point listing my favourite TTG songs. Really catchy, great lyrics, supremely diverse, and full of references not just to DC but to, well, everything. There’s a song about America that includes the line “Samuel L. Jackson on the stamp”, which makes no sense as far as I can figure, but is just wonderful.

Deep, Deep (DEEP) Cut DC References: it started with the Darkseid doll. A little plush Darkseid doll that’s always leaning against the couch. How cute, how funny; Darkseid, the literal embodiment of evil, but as an adorable snuggly. And then it got deeper, and weirder, and more wild. B’wana Beast. Alternate universe Robins. “That movie where their moms are both called Martha”. The Haunted Tank. The Haunted Tank! What kind of kids’ show references The Haunted Tank?! And then there’s the fact that The Comedian’s blood-stained smiley face badge is on display in the Batcave. Let’s go back over that one: there are Watchmen references in this cartoon for six-year-olds.

Batman and Gordon: the original Teen Titans cartoon pretty much never mentioned any aspect of the universe outside of the five characters, barring one fleeting visual reference to the Batcave and the episode where you meet the Doom Patrol. TTG has no qualms about explaining that, yes, Robin is Batman’s sidekick. So we see the Batcave, and Wayne Manor, and Alfred. But it’s Batman’s relationship with Gordon that’s golden. Not just stoic men’s men who diligently work alongside one another, never questioning, never needing to; no, they’re best mates, giggling schoolkids who want to shirk off all work and just sit in their PJs watching crap on the telly. Like a superheroic version of Beavis and Butt-Head, they’re often there, in the background, goofing off, playing games, undercutting the narrative. It’s such a perfect inversion of Batman’s usual persona and a great way of referencing – in supremely silly terms – the deep bond of affection between the two men in most Batman fiction. I especially like when Superman gives Gordon to Batman as a birthday present.

The Night Begins to Shine: I know I said I wouldn’t single out one song, but we do need to talk about The Night Begins to Shine. More than just a cool song in one episode, it blossomed into a whole weird parallel universe filled with bizarre references to ‘80s heavy metal and, well, Heavy Metal. Almost coming off like a primary school version of Mandy, the multi-part epic about Cyborg fighting a giant dragon in the “Night” universe, complete with cameos from people like CeeLo Green and Fall Out Boy (as Transformers!), is just a thing of absolute beauty. Truly, the level of reference and artistry on display in terms of writing, composition, and animation won’t be understood by the kids watching now until they’re quite a bit older. They’ll come back to this in ten, fifteen, twenty years and think “wow, now I see what they were doing; that’s so, so weird”.

The Holiday Mascots: belligerent Santa is the king (“you garbage kids!”), a fat psychopath trying to take over every other holiday, but let’s spare a thought for the other representations of holidays, too. The creepy Tooth Fairy, who eats teeth. The turkey from Thanksgiving who is horribly mutilated. Uncle Sam. And the Easter Bunny. Oh my god, the Easter Bunny. Genuinely unsettling. Words can’t describe. Seriously, check it out, it’s some Babadook-level freaky shit.

Raven’s Legs: a little bit worrying when you’ve got two kids under seven watching it, but the fact that Raven is not just hiding very, very sexy legs underneath her cloak, but is also capable of becoming an entirely other superhero who uses her legs as weapons, is very, very funny. Watching Beast Boy go full Tex Avery when he sees Raven’s legs is one of those gags that, I guess, works on different levels if you’re a child or an adult. Regardless, turning snarky sourpuss Raven into golden-costumed Lady Legasus is a nice move.

Breaking the Fourth Wall: they only really do this explicitly once or twice, I think, but overall the show is incredibly self-referential. From Control Freak trying to get them rebooted or cancelled, to jokes about the animation or the writing, it’s beautifully self-deprecating. This reaches its apex in the 200th episode specials, when the Titans journey into “our” world. It’s hilarious to see them interact with their own voice actors, but for me it’s the note-perfect representation of directing voice actors that’s really funny, almost as good as Toast of London in its depiction. Plus the gag about everyone who works on the show being ultimately replaceable. A scathing indictment of the animation industry, wrapped up in an animation; like The Simpsons in its heyday.

Genuinely Quite Upsetting Violence: I don’t think I’d ever seen a cartoon for small children before that quite regularly featured its main characters having their bones visibly broken. And by “visibly” I mean “cutting to an X-ray of their limb to show the bone shearing in half or crumpling to dust”. It’s almost rare for an episode to go by without one or more of the Titans experiencing life-altering injuries. I’m honestly not sure how they get away with it. but it is funny. Apex moment? Oh, undoubtedly them beating the shit out of Shia LaBeouf in the movie.

Real-World References: clearly the people who make Teen Titans Go! are in their late thirties or early forties; people who grew up in the ‘80s and absorbed ‘80s culture. People who liked Transformers and Star Wars and Back to the Future, who listened to rock music, who liked toys and videogames. They probably grew into teenagers who were fans of obscure animations, cult movies, sci-fi, fantasy, horror. They are, basically, me. I think I would get on quite well with the creators of TTG, based on the things they reference. But beyond cultural appropriation, it’s the references to daylight saving’s time, “shareconomics”, American politics and history, “The Man”, and more, that is so wild and weird to see in a cartoon for young kids. They handle these topics beautifully (I’m honestly not sure if my kids think the things the Titans are talking about are real or not), but as a grown-up it’s really funny to see these gags in a kids’ cartoon. I mean, the Titans fight the Illuminati in one episode. They reference “lizard men in Congress”. It’s bonkers.

Nicolas Cage: in Teen Titans Go! To the Movies, Nicolas Cage plays Superman. That’s it. I mean, what more do you want? The guy whose whole career almost seems to have hinged on playing Superman finally gets to be Superman. The guy who was nearly – oh so nearly – Superman for Tim Burton is now, at last, Superman. The guy who named his kid Kal-El is now Superman. The guy who was namechecked in The Ultimates about eighteen years ago (“this guy wants to be a superhero almost as much as Nicolas Cage”) is now Superman. It’s such a meta-gag, such a high-level gag. Stunt casting taken to its nth degree. It’s even funnier than Billy Dee Williams playing Two-Face in LEGO Batman. And it got better – this part, I concede, beyond the purview of the TTG creators – because the same year he played Superman, Nicolas Cage also played (an alternate universe version of) Spider-Man in Into the Spider-Verse. And, as I alluded to above, starred in his own version of The Night Begins to Shine when he made Mandy. It all links!  

There we go. my favourite things. This was tough, I had to leave a lot out. I’m particularly saddened by not finding room for Cyborg’s tiny body made up of wires whenever he removes his head. And The Jeff; gutted I missed The Jeff. Or the episode that references all the movie incarnations of Batman, including a dumpster full of Batman Forever and Batman & Robin stuff (I’ll save my argument that TTG serves as an even better comic analysis and deconstruction of the meta-character of Batman, and of Robin, than the much-ballyhooed LEGO incarnations for another day). It’s really a great show. I love it to bits. Go watch it.

[coreytaylr]

do all the cat asks!!!!!!!

1. Name?- Pici and Mocsok

2. Fur color?- Pici is tricolor, Mocsi is tuxedo!!!

3. Any family you know (other than you)?- i dont know what this means tbh??

4. Age?- Pici is 2 yrs old, turning 3 in March and Mocsi is 4 yrs old, turning 5 in May (oh my god he’s so old!!)

5. Favorite toy?- neither of them really give a shit about toys no matter how many we buy them so :(

6. Nicknames?- i call Pici Babey or Picúr, and Mocsok’s nickname is Mocsi (or bastard)

7. Cinnamon roll or problematic fave?- both of them are both kjsdfksdjf like, i think Pici is the sweetest lady that ever existed, while everyone else thinks she’s the spawn of satan; and w Mocsi, its the other way around, i know the shit he’s done, but everyone else thinks he’s an angel

8. Length of fluff?- normal length for both of them i guess??

9. Any funny habits?- oh man ksjddf Pici likes to announce before she goes in the litterbox and does her business and its the funniest thing ksdjfdskf- Mocsi .. is just not the brightest cat to ever lived, so when he wants to go outside, he will stand in front of the door and meow and scratch at it, and if you open it for him, he doesnt go out but just stands there and stares.. and he just won’t move if you dont nudge him

10. How old were they when you met?- we got Mocsi when he was around 4-6 months old, and Pici has been w us since the day she was born (literally akjfsdf her mother was my cat too)

11. What does their food bowl look like?- they have three bowls: one for the dry food, one for Mocsi, which is a little bigger, blue bowl w a cat’s head drawn inside of it; and Pici just has a basic aluminium one

12. Indoor or outdoor cat?- Pici is a strictly indoor cat as of last year’s summer, Mocsi is kind of like a mix? he is allowed to be outside w/o a harness (i know i dont like it either), but he comes in at night

13. Recent picture?

14. Old picture?

(Pici was only a few months old here

15. Cuddly?- YES YES YES

16. Ever changed their name?- yeah actually, Pici started out as Maki (which means monkey, basically) bc her meows sounded like monkey noises??

18. Eye color?- they both have yellow eyes!

19. How do they express love for you?- they purr and come into my lap, or sleep beside me. Pici likes to stand on my laptop blocking the screen. Mocsi likes to headbutt me, almost breaking my nose

20. How do you express love for them?- i pet them and cuddle up to them, pick em up and hold them in my arms - just the usual

21. Any theories on what breed?- nah, nothing they are just typical house cats

22. Do they ever wake you up?- YEAH Mocsi almost suffocated me way back when, by trying to sleep on my face asdhfklsdf

23. How much do they meow?- Mocsi only meows when he wants food or wants to go outside, so not much. on the other hand, Pici is very vocal (and has an attitude too) and i really really like it !!!

24. Any hiding spots?- hm. not really? or maybe under the bed or table

25. Do they enjoy guests?- Mocsi LOVES new people!!!! he will make friends w everyone and anyone. Pici…not so much (same)

26. Lofty objects to sit on?- we have this huge ass wall-to-wall closet in the living room which is p tall, they like to sleep there. otherwise, they just like to sit on tables

27. Wear a collar?- nah not since Mocsi almost suffocated himself w one

28. How much shedding?- Mocsi is alright, but Pici is a disaster

29. Do they enjoy brushing?- no:((

30. Ever drink from the toilet?- no????, but Mocsi does like to sit on it when the lid is closed dont ask

31. How do they get your attention?- by meowing? but i literally always pay attention to them so

32. Embarrassing thing they’ve done?- Mocsi almost suffocating himself w a collar or running headfirst into the wall. Pici’s p graceful so idk

33. Weirdest thing they try to eat?- Mocsi really likes potatoes for some reason?? and Pici always tries to eat my food

34. Are they like your siblings, children, or friends?- THEY ARE MY BABIES

35. What time do they eat breakfast?- after i wake up, so it depends

36. Do you cut their nails?- we only cut Pici’s nails (when we remember it)

37. Do you think they understand you?- i dont think Mocsok knows anything about this world tbh but im like 99% sure Pici understands everything

38. Ever make fun of them?- oh yeah. a lot.

39. Do you take their picture often?- everytime im home

40. Ever hiss at you?- Pici did!! i tried to take away a bird she caught

41. Ever try to scratch or bite you?- yea, but its all fun and games 

42. If you try to grab their paw, what do they do?- Mocsok doesnt give a flying fuck, Pici takes it away

44. Canned or dry food?- both

45. Weight?- Mocsi is 6 kgs, Pici is 2 kgs. according to google thats 13 lbs and and 4 lbs respectively

46. Ever got lost?- there were times when i was really worried bc Pici didnt come home in time, but they never got lost, no.

47. Do you buy them presents?- YES. just the other day i saw like, wine for pets?? and i really wanted to buy it but my mother didnt let me ://///

48. Do they respond when you call?- Pici does. im pretty sure Mocsok doesnt know what his name is

49. Do they ever see other cats?- yea. my brother has a cat too, so they usually see him, but who knows how many cats Mocsi sees when he’s outside

50. Declawed?- FUCK NO

51. Funniest expression?

52. Favorite place to be pet?- Pici likes it if you like….rub both sides of her face? and Mocsi likes chin scratches

54. Give them a head kiss.- next time i see them, i will !!!!!

55. What time of the year is most exciting for them?- i think its pretty neutral all throughout the year

56. Are they good at hunting real prey?- Pici was real good at it, she could catch birds mid-fly. Mocsok? nah.. he can barely eat his own food ksajfkdsf

57. Do they ever attack nothing?- attack? no. stare at it until i freak out? yeah

58. What are they doing right now?- idk im not at home :(( but its probably sleepy time

59. How long have you had them?- Mocsok for 3,5 years or so, and Pici, as ive said, has been w me since day 1

60. If you could have them stay as a kitten forever, would you?- i dont think so? i love them just the way they are

63. Have you ever stepped on their paw?- no but i did sit on both of theirs kasjkfsdf

64. Ever tripped you on stairs?- we dont have stairs so no

65. Any ear hair?- yeah!!! both of them have some

66. Favorite view from a window?- Pici just likes to spy the people who are on the street. Mocsi doesnt seem to know how to get to the window no matter how much he tries

67. Describe why they are precious.- i mean this whole post is basically about that kskdsf they are just goofy assholes who like to run around and fight each other. and sit/sleep on tables. and my laptop. 

68. Fit the cat stereotype?- Pici definitely does. Mocsok is like a dog in a cat’s body tbh

69. Chaotic neutral?- 100%

70. Do they enjoy following/ keeping you company?- oh dude yes, i cant even shower w/o them scratching at the door

71. Are you their favorite human?- i am definitely Pici’s favorite, but not Mocsi’s :’(((((

72. Do they like tv?- awwwwwwwwwwwwwww Pici used to watch cartoons when she was little, then she started watching like animal planet documentaries about big cats!!! but she lost interest. now she just likes to watch the things i watch on yt (her favorite is jacksepticeye. even if she’s asleep, she will wake up if she hears his intro. she would also like come up to me and meow at jack akjsdkjdsf its so cute)

73. Favorite noise to make?- i mean…purring…hellooo

74. If they were a Neko Atsume cat, what would their momento be?- pass

[ramblinganthropologist]

The perfect present

Summary: A certain commander’s birthday is coming up, and his XO has the perfect present. Will 29 be better than 27? It probably will, he was dead for the last two birthdays. Let’s just hope Alistair gets out of this without dying from being shoved into cake. Again.

---

-April 2 2155-

Food. Food was an excellent idea right then.

Garrus had been told by multiple humans that he looked like a mutated raptor when he was hungry. Whatever the fuck that was, he definitely felt like it as he headed out of the battery that night, making a beeline for something he could put into his fucked up face.

So maybe he relied on instinct rather than time to remember to eat – big deal.

What few Cerberus agents that had gathered around the mess scattered when they saw him with that look in his eye. He swore he heard one of them hum something, just a few notes that earned them some snickers. Right then he didn't really care – food first, dealing with assholes later.

“Nice going, Garrusaurus Rex.”

A slight click followed a bored statement. Garrus turned to see a familiar head of pink hair sitting at the table, eating from her feed back of oddly shaped nuggets. Bo had her omni-tool out and was scrolling through her feed. The clicking had come from her, but as to what he had no idea.

“I was hungry.”

“No shit.” She held her wrist up and another click followed. “Don't rip up the park while I'm away.”

And then she stood up, taking her nuggets with her and leaving a small pile of crumbs in her wake. Garrus was left to stand there, staring at the back of her head while he waited for his food to heat up. Now, he wasn't an expert in human technology, but he knew a flash when he saw one.

“Pretty sure it's not the first anymore.” The ding of the microwave turned his thoughts to something much better. It was food time now. The denizens of the Normandy were safe from Garrusaurus Rex for a few more hours.

As long as they didn't take any more photos of him – that was just weird.

---

-April 5 2155-

Yep. He was covered in goo and it was not a great feeling.

Garrus grimaced as he peeled another part of armor away from his body. He, Alistair, and Bo had just gotten back from a mission that had put them face to face with what he could have only described as a sentient goo monster. It had been more than happy to acquaint them with its inner workings, particularly when it fucking swallowed him whole. It hadn't attempted to digest him, mostly because they had shot it too fast, but to say it was unpleasant was putting it mildly.

What was even worse was the jokes that followed the entire shuttle ride back. Why a race developed from predators even had a fetish about being eaten, he didn't know. Being mandibles deep in mush didn't exactly foster a heavy discussion. Instead, he got to just grimace and figure out how someone would even eat a human. Maybe they had the right idea after all.

“This stuff better come off.” It smelled awful, but it wasn't trying to digest him. That was a point in his favor. Garrus sighed as he continued peeling off armor. In the low light, it was easier to forget just what he was covered in. He had seen it once – that was good enough for him.

“Vakarian, you down here or what?”

Bo's voice echoed out in the darkness. Garrus didn't stop undressing of course – hell if he cared. The fact she stumbled a little only confirmed the fact he didn't need to give a fuck. Once her contacts were out, he was safe.

“Over here, Shepard.”

She got there just as he was down to his pants. “Al's going to want that write up of your sexual awakening when you're done jacking off.”

He snorted – spirits, it made bubbles. “Right, whatever. I'll turn it over when I'm clean.”

Nobody wanted him tracking goo over the Normandy anyway. Still, as he kept undressing, Garrus could have sworn he heard a click as Bo left. Maybe it was her boots on the ground, or maybe goo was blocking something. Either way, he had more important things to worry about.

Like the goo sticking clothes to some... sensitive... areas.

Oww.

---

-April 11 2155-

“Come on, guys. Do we have to do this now?”

Alistair groaned as he was nudged away from some world-saving work by an enthusiastic crew member. They had been trying to get him down to the mess for the last half hour, and they had finally taken matters into their own hands. Literally. He was lucky they hadn't actually picked him up in their enthusiasm.

That had happened once when he was in basic. Now he knew how to kick better.

“It's your birthday, commander, lighten up.”

Yeah, and he'd had 28 before them. 29 didn't look any better than the others thanks to a number of things on his shit list that grew with each day. Still, Alistair grimaced and allowed himself to be led down to where the free crew was waiting for him. Tali gave him a little wave from her spot by Bo's side, while Grunt smirked. The three of them looked awful chummy to say the least – and a shiver ran down his spine.

Not good. Maybe he should've worn his armor for this. He so wasn't ready to give krogan wrestling a try.

“Are you sure we can't shove his face in it?”

“We can do that after.”

Oh, those were never words he wanted to hear. Alistair's defenses proved to be in vain – Joker had been talking to somebody about the cake instead. Someone with a not very steady hand had written out his name and happy birthday in black and red. They had also lost control of the piping bag at one point – or maybe that was supposed to be a hamster at the bottom – because there was a huge glob of frosting after the words. In a weird way, it was cute.

It was also cake, so hell if he was going to turn that down.

Luckily, they had dragged Garrus out of the battery, so that's who he stood by while he waited for whatever embarrassing plan they had planned for him to go down. It was a safety thing as much as a preference.  He could watch his back.

“What, do you expect the cake to attack you?”

“Happened when I turned 25. She's been trying to top it for years.” Sometimes he swore he still smelled frosting.

The she in question must've sensed him mention her, because his XO beckoned him over. Alistair took careful steps, eyes watching where her hands were. Two birthdays ago he had wound up with a face full of cake because he hadn't been careful. Now he was ready.

“Happy birthday, Al.”

It wasn't a knuckle sandwich at least. Instead, Bo pulled out a package roughly the length of his body, clumsily wrapped up in paper that had fat cartoon hamsters with party hats and balloons on it. It even had a big red bow, which she took off lovingly and slammed to the side of his head before he could protest.

Great.

“You shouldn't have.”

No, she really shouldn't have judging from the looks on the crew's faces. They reminded him of sharks in the water – waiting for something. What, he had no idea. So, Alistair very carefully peeled the paper away and peeked inside.

It was... white?

“Open it, already!” Grunt's deep voice echoed some of the crew's requests. He shot them all a look, but complied. As soon as he did, his face began to heat up. Someone – and he had a pretty good idea who- was a terrible person.

“It's me.” Garrus' voice was as flat as Mindoir's planes as he got a good look at it. Indeed – it was a pillow that had Garrus stretched out on it. “Is this some weird human gesture?”

“Only if you watch anime.” Alistair's tone matched the Turian's in a pan-species meeting of solidarity. “Very funny, guys.”

Shaking his head, he turned it over in the hopes of finding a blank space to keep from dying. However, in his haste he had forgotten one of the main features of the mythical body pillow. A very evil soul had been at work here.

His face turned blood red at the reverse side. It was Garrus again, this time naked from the waist up. He was giving the camera a blank look, the one that looked honestly kind of sexy not that he would admit it, and he had his hand ready to take his pants off.

“Happy birthday, Al.” Bo loomed over at him, beaming. “You should see what I put in your room when you get done here.”

And then she was steering him towards the cake. “Now, I think it's time you get acquainted with some sugar.”

Mother fucker, he couldn't have a normal birthday, could he?

---

“I smell like a bakery.”

Tired, sore, but still the birthday boy, Alistair grimaced as he entered his quarters and headed straight for his shower. He had gotten up close and personal with a cake to say the least – pretty sure there was frosting in his goddamn ears – and all he wanted was a shower and some quiet time. Somehow, Tali had been the one to betray him that year and launch him into the cake. Betrayal tasted like chocolate buttercream.

He was going to remember that when her birthday came around.

Garrus was under his arm – safe for work side up. The case came off, he needed a body pillow, it was win-win. Unless, knowing the evil trio, they had printed it directly on the pillow too. There was no telling with his hell crew.

Alistair stopped dead in his tracks though. There was somebody – no, something – in the center of his room, staring at him. And oh, his face turned blood red as he picked out the details, hampered some by the low light.

“Well that's shitty shifts for her for the next month.”

Now Alistair had a cardboard cutout of what the crew had jokingly termed 'sexy Garrus' all to himself. Someone in loving detail had gotten every scar on his face down, and had somehow managed to get the look on his face just right. Instead of looking annoyed, he was downright... well, sexy Garrus was right, alright.

“You didn't stop her?” Saren just kept chewing on his sunflower seed instead of answering. Of course he was a space hamster, so there really wasn't much that he could have done. It was just the three of them now.

No doubt the Illusive Man was getting his money's worth if he checked the cameras. Good for him. At least somebody was enjoying it.

“Whatever, I'll deal with you later, Mr. Sexy.” He shook his head and headed to the shower to get the remains of the cake off him. If he was lucky, he wouldn't be scrubbing icing out of his pores when his next birthday came around.

And oh, he was so not ready for that. If this is what they did when he turned 29, he'd hate to hear what they had planned for his big 3-0.

[recentanimenews]

FEATURE SERIES: My Favorite One Piece Arc with RogersBase

  I love One Piece and I love talking to people who love One Piece. And with the series going on 23 years now, there is a whole lot to talk about. As the series is about to publish its 1000th chapter, a true feat in and of itself, we thought we should reflect upon the high-seas adventure and sit down with some notable names in the One Piece fan community and chat about the arcs they found to be especially important, or just ones they really, really liked.

  Welcome to the inaugural article in the series "My Favorite One Piece Arc!"

  My first guest in this series is RogersBase, a Nintendo Brand Ambassador. For my chat with him, he chose the Zou arc, in which Luffy and his crew head to an ancient civilization that sits upon the back of a giant elephant.

  A note on spoilers: If you haven't seen the Zou arc yet, this interview does contain major plot points. Watch the Zou arc starting RIGHT HERE if you'd like to catch up or rewatch!

    Dan Dockery: In one sentence, could you sell me on Zou?

  RogersBase: Okay, here we go — Mystery, romance, and a little bit of the Mammoth Boyz. I think that’s the perfect way to describe the best story arc in the post time skip era of One Piece.

  The best? Really?

  Yeah, by far. For me, at least. 

  Yeah, I feel like post time skip has been a certainly interesting array of storylines. I think my personal favorite is Whole Cake. So much of the back half of it as soon as the wedding goes awry is great, and the entire Katakuri fight is a masterpiece. 

  I think Whole Cake is a totally reasonable answer, and I think you probably like it for the same reasons that I like Zou: the characterization and the drama that isn’t centered around the characters saving a kingdom. The kingdom of Zou has already been destroyed. There’s no saving it at this point. The only thing they want to save is Raizo. So you don’t have to deal with the villain hierarchies and families of say Dressrosa or Wano. And the nice thing about it is that since it’s a shorter, condensed story arc, it really hammers home the motivations of the characters and gives us this terrifying villain that’s not even present for most of the arc.

    I really like Jack. He only appears in a flashback for the most part and he’s a scourge of the kingdom. And then he comes back, only to be hit by that elephant. And that’s one of those things at the beginning of the arc, when I saw this massive thing, I thought “Aw, man. I wanna see what that elephant can do. I hope it hits something” and then IT DOES. I flipped out. It was so satisfying. Did you know that Zou would be your favorite when you finished it?

  Yeah, I think I did. All the arcs up to that point had really high highs, but some of it just didn’t land with me. So to have Oda move away from these long story arcs that end in big one on one fights and go to this shorter, mystery-focused arc: What’s going on with these minks? What’s atop this elephant? Is Raizo still alive? What is The Voice of All Things? What connection does Luffy have to these giant creatures? And with so many great designs and characters, too, with the Minks. It’s really fascinating, and you have bits and pieces that lead up to it, but there’s so much here. 

  I feel like the Minks might be Oda’s purest expression of side characters because he’s playing with all of these animal figures that are both interesting to look at and emotionally evocative. It’s him flexing his muscles as a character artist. And the landscape of Zou as well - It’s beautiful to behold. 

    Especially when you think about the amount of content that’s there in a short amount of chapters or episodes. There’s so much that’s told about the overall world, the Road Poneglyphs, the relationship between the Minks and the Kozuki Family, the Beast Pirates, so much gets touched upon that will expand in later story arcs. There’s beautiful, immediate payoff there and later. 

  It has such a comparatively goofy start, too. They’re climbing this giant elephant on the back of a cartoon dragon that Robin thinks is adorable. And I’m glad she gets a little bit of focus here because, with the Poneglyphs, Zou is a really big set-up arc for Robin. So her role in One Piece’s endgame has exponentially increased. 

  Also, the focus on characterization. In earlier, post timeskip arcs, you have these epic clashes that take down kingdoms, but here you get a cute moment with Robin. It’s so refreshing to see her in a natural element where she’s comfortable.

    What did you think of the Mink tribe’s living situation? The giant white whale tree and the treehouses and all. Do you have any favorite parts of Oda’s worldbuilding here? Not just as a story designer, but as someone who crafts actual places where races and species can live.

  It’s cool to see the animals he chooses for the Minks, and how he constructs the power structure and who controls the land at what time, with the dog during the day and the cat at night. The big pineapple trees and the ruins that you see in the Jack flashback, he created a full-blown, believable civilization. It’s always a pleasure to see Oda working in jungle vegetation-type areas. He really excels in this in Skypiea and in his color spreads. So it seems like Zou is something that he’s wanted to do for a while. And how much effort he puts into it is why you feel so attached to the Minks at the end.

  That’s really cool. There are a ton of anime side character animals, like Kakashi’s pet dogs and the little animals that hang out with Goku and pals, but Oda really lets loose here with a whole species. And as you said, we should’ve kinda seen it coming with all the work he’s done with anthropomorphic animals. But then, you have the big Jack flashback. And the stereotype of the One Piece flashback is “Oh boy, it’s ‘bout to get sad.” But Zou’s feels like an epic piece of mythology, and Jack is just this being of pure cruelty without any kind of sad backstory. How did you feel about it? Did it surpass your expectations?

    Oh, absolutely! To see a character as violent and ruthless as Jack was something needed, I think. He’s an overall threat, not goofy. And his Devil Fruit is fascinating, as you finally see the return of the Prehistoric Zoan type fruit after you last saw it with Drake turning into an Allosaurus. So it’s cool to not only see that Jack can turn into a Woolly Mammoth, but it’s a Woolly Mammoth fighting on top of a giant elephant. And with the way he gets teased leading up to his appearance in the flashback, I remember thinking “How cool would it be if there was a Woolly Mammoth fruit!” and sure enough, there it is! Jack feels like a fulfillment of the promise of the New World — It’s not going to be a cakewalk. Your opponents will be devastating and Jack is so determined, coming because he knows Raizo’s there and then coming back because he STILL KNOWS Raizo is there. He’s like “You can tell me all you want that he’s not here, but I know, and I will crucify you and cut off your limbs. I don’t know why you’re trying to defend this one ninja, but I know he’s here.”

  Zou is kind of a double feature. We have Raizo and the Minks and the lore, but we also have the stuff that leads to Whole Cake with Sanj and Capone. Now, I see Sanji’s whole arc here sometimes referred to as Robin 2.0, because it’s a lot like Enies Lobby on the surface. Guy gets taken by the bad guys and is like “Don’t follow me because they’ll kill you, etc.” That’s always felt a little hollow to me because Sanji is not Robin and they don’t have the same motivation.

  No, absolutely. And I’m glad you mentioned it because it’s phenomenal how well Zou has aged. They manage to give these characterization moments to Robin and Sanji and the crew while introducing all this stuff and managing to make us care about all of it. There are people that are like “I can’t wait for Carrot to officially join the crew,” and it all stems from this story arc. 

    In terms of characters that get done so well that even though their time with you is brief, they still stick with you for a long time, I think a good example is Pedro. He joins everyone and he’s this stoic, mentor figure, a character type that usually doesn't fare so well when it comes to surviving anime series intact. And obviously, RIP Pedro. But it’s a testament to what you’re talking about because he just joins the crew and you’re like “Yeah, sure. Gimme fifty more chapters of him.”

  He’s got this cool eye patch, he has a beef with Big Mom, he knows about the world. And he’s the one who’s sort of the most hesitant to trust the Straw Hats at first after the disaster with Jack and all. But by the ending, he knows that the Straw Hats are the guys that he’s been waiting for. This is the crew that will bring upon that new dawn. And we haven’t even talked about Pekoms yet! He has those ties to Big Mom and to Bepo and to Zou and to Pedro and to Capone, who shoots him. 

  What do you think of the Poneglyph system? It’s both indicative of the Straw Hat endgame, but it isn’t like this magic map. What do you think of it as kind of a quest marker?

  It’s great because you learn that there are a definite few that mean something and that they’re all being held at various places that are run by Emperors. So trying to find them gives you an actual reason to fight these Emperors of the Sea and heading into their territories. They don’t really need to be fighting Kaido in the grand scheme of things, but the Poneglyphs add to the direction of the series. 

  ONE PIECE LIGHTNING ROUND!

  Favorite character?

  Trafalgar D. Water Law.

  Favorite Straw Hat?

  I go back and forth between three, but Sanji.

  Favorite villain?

  Doflamingo.

  If you could live on any One Piece island, where would you call home?

  Dressrosa without Doflamingo would actually be pretty nice.

  Favorite One Piece fight?

  Luffy vs Lucci.

  One Piece moment that made you sob the most?

  “Raizo is safe!” I was so overwhelmed with emotion, seeing the resolve of the Minks.

  One Piece moment that made you cheer the loudest?

  Sabo getting the Flare-Flare Fruit in Dressrosa.

      Stay tuned for the next installment of "My Favorite One Piece Arc" as we speak with Official One Piece Columnist for Shueisha and Toei Greg Warner about his favorite One Piece arc: Arlong Park!!

      Daniel Dockery is a Senior Staff Writer for Crunchyroll. Follow him on Twitter!

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By: Daniel Dockery

[justanothercinemaniac]

Epic Movie (Re)Watch #225 - Underdog (2007)

Spoilers Below

Have I seen it before: Yes

Did I like it then: Yes.

Do I remember it: Yes.

Did I see it in theaters: Yes.

Was it a movie I saw since August 22nd, 2009: No.

Format: DVD

1) Yes, I own Underdog. We were all young once and have made mistakes. Don’t judge me.

2) I have to admit the opening does pay nice homage to the original cartoon (in its inclusion of clips from the original cartoon). There are few things I will compliment in this film, so savor that.

3) This film is filled with so many cliches that MAYBE become SLIGHTLY more interesting because they involve dogs. For example: the idea of a rookie who screws up on the police force and departs in shame. You know, with a dog.

4) Jason Lee as Underdog is…Jason Lee as Underdog. There’s nothing particularly unique or interesting there. Jason Lee sort of sleep walks through the part (which is a shame because The Incredibles has shown he can be a MARVELOUS voice actor) because there’s nothing really there of interest from a writing standpoint. Some of the character’s more sarcastic moments are supported a bit by Lee, but otherwise it’s nothing worth singing about.

5) Peter Dinklage as Dr. Simon Barsinister.

So, Peter Dinklage is in this movie. And he’s actually…really interesting? And charming? In an Underdog movie? I can’t believe it, but it’s true! Dinklage is the sole beam of sunshine in an otherwise abysmal film. Because he’s Peter Dinklage! He’s charismatic and funny, ESPECIALLY when Barsinister loses his freaking mind. Crazy Peter Dinklage is awesome! Honestly if you ever want to watch ANY of this movie just watch the scenes with Peter Dinklage in them.

6) How a live action Underdog movie could be so painfully generic baffles me. Not only is it a generic talking dog movie, it’s a generic superhero movie! It rips off SO MUCH from the 2002 Spider-Man movie: powers through lab accident (which, in fairness, is a superhero cliche of its own), powers gained through a science-y dream montage, and powers discovered through “humorous” accidents. Except, you know, it’s a dog. Other cliches include a superhero montage and a “looking out over the city” shot. Had the film been aware of how ridiculous and stupid this concept is, had it taken the opportunity to work as a kid-friendly Deadpool and make fun of the superhero genre, that would be one thing. But it doesn’t seem aware of how painfully unoriginal is. Every character reacts to a superhero dog the exact same way people react to Spider-Man when he shows up. EXCEPT HE’S A DOG! The straight face the film teaches Underdog with is painful to watch. It’s just bad.

7) Oh look, Jake Unger: a cliché slacker teen who was originally written as a twelve year old but still behaves as a twelve year old so he’s just an unlikable douche bag. You know, he could succeed if only he applied himself! Unfortunately the actor they got to play Jake is…not great, to say the least. And Jake only exists so Underdog has a human friend/owner and so kids (supposedly) have someone to latch onto. And that is his only purpose in this film. At all.

8) Noooooo! Why!?!? Samantha Bee!!!! What are you doing in this movie!?!?!?!?

9) There are moments in the film where they TRY to pay homage to the classic cartoon (naming Underdog Shoeshine, the character of Riff-Raff, him taking a blue pill to get his powers at the end) but they completely miss the point for the most part. The original cartoon took place in a  world where anthropomorphic animals and humans lived side by side, with Underdog typically causing more damage than helping people. A format like Mr. Peabody and Sherman would have much better served the story.

10) The beagle who plays Underdog is super cute though.

11) Amy Adams as Polly.

So you know how in most superhero movies there’s the pointless girlfriend who just exists to be in danger and for the superhero to fall in love with? You know how she’s typically underdeveloped and could totally be dropped from the film with no change whatsoever? Yeah, Underdog does that. But with a dog. And she’s voiced by Amy Adams. Why did Amy Adams say yes to this movie? I could not tell you. The ONE thing Polly did in the original cartoon was that she was a reporter, but now she doesn’t even do that. Her human counterpart Molly (real original thinking there, guys) is a high school reporter and equally if not more so useless. You could literally cute Polly and Molly out of the film and have there be no change whatsoever.

12) So while some of Jack’s interactions with Underdog border on cleverness, most if not all of this film’s humor just falls totally flat. Obvious, dumb, and just not funny.

13) There is a nice idea you can tell this film MAYBE considered doing which is exploring how Underdog’s derived name COULD lead to an emotional arc for him. How he’s the constantly underestimates underdog. Except the film doesn’t explore that beyond a few cliches.

14) Patrick Warburton is in this movie. And he’s not bad, in fact he’s second only to Peter Dinklage at being the best thing about the film. But he’s limited by the writing though. Patrick Warburton can be INSANELY funny, clever, and charming. But as Cad he doesn’t get much to do other than have some nice chemistry with Peter Dinklage.

15) So Jim Belushi’s character retired from the police force a hero but is consistently met with mockery and derision by cops throughout the movie?

16) NO ONE IS REACTING TO A TALKING SUPER DOG WHICH BURSTS THROUGH THE DOOR AND TALKS! AT ALL! ONE BAD GUY IS LIKE, “I’ll get him,” WITH NO HESITATION!

(GIF originally posted by @disney-gifs)

17) The rhyming in the original cartoon was charming. Here its overdone and annoying.

18) Remember how I said Molly is useless? Well, the one thing she MAYBE might do but doesn’t in the film is look into Underdog’s identity. She even has a crazy wall of weird and at the center of it is, “Who is Underdog?” Okay, two things:

No high school newspaper is that good.

WHO CARES WHO UNDERDOG IS!? HE’S A DOG! IT’S NOT LIKE HE HAS A WORTH WHILE SECRET IDENTITY! HE’S NOT GOING TO BE BRUCE WAYNE OR TONY STARK! HE’S A FREAKING DOG! THE ONLY THING HE DOES IS BE A SUPERHERO!

19) Usually I don’t nitpick the physics of a scene, but let’s consider that Underdog runs under an iron bar while Cad has him on a leash, and pulls Cad above the iron bar (crashing through some glass) while holding onto the leash. You’d think this iron bar would catch the leash now. Except somehow it magically phased through the iron bar and nothing happens.

20) Ugh, Underdog and Polly go on a stupid doggy date which does nothing to advance the plot before ripping off 1) the flying scene from Superman and 2) Lady and the Tramp.

21)

Jim Belushi (yes, I’m calling him Jim Belushi): “You’re insane.”

Dr. Barsinister: “I prefer the term visionary.”

Peter Dinklage in this movie is great. Or at least, great by comparison.

22) Any time this film makes an attempt at emotional meaning or poignancy it just fails. Just simply fails.

23) That’s…that’s John Slattery as the Mayor. Why, John Slattery, why?

24) This line actually made me laugh.

Cad: “He’s not my boss, we’re partners!”

Molly: “Then why are you ding this?”

Cad: “Because my partner said he might fire me if I don’t!”

25) Wait…this is the bad guy plot from The Amazing Spider-Man. The villain wants to dispense a chemical bomb over the city to change people’s DNA.

26) The climax to this film is literally Underdog digging a hole in the ground to bury a bomb. That’s it. Ugh.

I can’t imagine this film ever being worth the watch. It doesn’t work as an adaptation of the cartoon, as a superhero film, or a talking dog film. If you like Peter Dinklage, if he’s your favorite actor ever, watch it for that. Because he’s pretty good. But otherwise? Not worth it, I don’t think.

[jodiwalker]

A Bachelorette Bio Breakdown: They Would Do Anything for Love (And They Will Do THAT)

There comes a time in every 20-something's life…when they must take a season off from The Bachelor franchise. For me, that season was Nick. Not because I don't like Nick—I find him no better or worse than any Bachelor(ette) who has come before him. (Actually I find him better because, uh, I'm pretty sure Prince Farming recently killed a guy).

I just needed a break. Yes I know about Corrinne. Yes, I stand in awe and fear of her. Yes, she has a perfectly round head-shape like a peanut M&M when they forget to put the peanut in that I don't trust, but do tend to admire, a la Stassi from Vanderpump Rules. Though it left a gaping hole in my heart—as if I was forgetting to eat breakfast every single day, and that missing breakfast was made of thigh gaps and man-tears—it was good for me. I return refreshed, and more importantly, completely clueless about what to expect from Rachel, or as I have taken to calling her: the Rachelorette (pronounced R8chelorette).

The only thing I can remember about Rachel from the brief glimpses I caught of Nick's season is that she got the First Impression Rose of Doom and I once saw her in a full-out sprint and not a single part of her body jiggled. From what I understand, she remained charming throughout and some issues of race were (not awfully) addressed in her hometown visit. I have to imagine that conversation went something like this:

Rachel's parents, in unison:  Nick, we can't help but notice that you're white. And also, that our daughter is way out of your league.

Nick: But—

Rachel's parents, alternating back and forth every other word: Yes, even now that you're two percent body fat and there's something different about your face that we can't quite put our finger on.

Rachel: Ha, you right, fam. See ya, Nick, I'm about to be the first black Bachelorette!

Nick: And I…I will take my last titular stand in Dancing With the Stars where I will wear more sequins and bronzer than any Bachelorette could ever dream of.

Since I clearly know very little about Rachel, I also expect very little out of her, which is kind of nice. Rachel can be a robot and it won't really matter—in fact, since she's from Dallas, a place solely populated by gallerias that smell like fancy fountains and hot young women that also smell like fancy fountains (lookin’ at you, JoJo), it will make perfect sense if she's just an average, smart, attractive woman. But she's also the first black lead in the Bachelor franchise, so y’know, the producers will probably run this entire freight train into the ground trying to be cool about that.

Unfortunately, unlike the contestant bios which are full of enlightening questions like "What fruit would you be if you could be any fruit?" and "What brand of high-end blender would you be I you could be any brand of high-end blender?" the Bachelorette's bio is just four paragraphs of excruciating prose. And since Rachel is an attorney, hers is 80 percent lawyer puns, 15 percent conjunctions, 5 percent her own name, and exactly 0 percent concentrated power of will. What I learned is that. 1.) Rachel went to the University of Texas, which checks out because it's almost easier to imagine her with a tiny temporary tattoo of a burnt orange longhorn on her cheek than without, and 2.) "Winning in court has never been a problem, but finding love is a case that unfortunately remains open." Yeesh.

So, let's, uh, call this court to order by meeting all 31 of the, uh, romantic prosecutors who have been, uh, subpoenaed in this case of, uh, LOVE IN THE FIRST DEGREE. Nailed it.

This isn’t necessarily the all-around hottest group of suitors we've ever had. But it is the most diverse. And that's because Rachel is a minority, so ABC will let her date another minority: a black guy, an Asian guy, a Latino guy…hell, she could even choose a white guy if she wants (but they will withhold her daily allotment of Snackwells if she tries to pull any of that shit). They're so open-minded this season, you guys. Honestly! They're very cool with what Caitlyn Jenner is up to; they retweet DeRay sometimes; some of their best friends went to the Women's March.

And while they may have curiously kept Rachel a blank slate in the marketing leading up to her season, all the jacked dudes trying to woo her come pre-packaged with a whole slew of questions by which to judge them. Pretty much every single one of them says they're 6'2 or taller, they're all obsessed with the Rock, Denzel Washington and Matthew McConaughey, like, six of them have inner-lip tattoos, and I don't know if Rachel requested that they all be sexual deviants, or if this is just the Freak House that Kaitlyn Bristowe Built, but everyone has gotten up to some real weird shit in the bedroom. So without further ado…

Rachel's Top 12 Most Interesting Men (according to a questionnaire completed under a distorting blanket of warm Jägermeister served in a plastic cup by producers who lured you out of a food court Sbarro with promises of love and more deli meat than one could ever imagine, plus, if you mention Elon Musk in your questionnaire, everyone will think you're smart, and also, if you say no to doing this, you're probably at least a little subconsciously racist, just something to think about—alright, see ya in Calabasas, buddy!) in no particular order:

Adam—Real Estate Agent, 27

When asked what his typical Saturday night looks like, Adam responded, "Well if it's not with my couch, then I would go out with some friends for dinner and go out to a bar or club for drinks, maybe late night tacos." Dude…you know that sounds like you're fucking your couch. You know that. Adam also said the most romantic gift he's ever received is a threesome for his birthday. Just him, his little lady, and that sweet, sweet couch.

DeMario—Executive Recruiter, 30

Excuse me as I half claim DeMario as my 2017 boyfriend, and half assess him as my 2017 nemesis because he might be the person I wish I was. DeMario's description of himself during social outings is like if a Kanye tweet (RIP) had an exclamation point baby with a Cher tweet: "100% the party starter… always blowing my whistle and making NOISE!!! Let's fire it up, put on some Prince and party like it's 1999!!!!" It could only be better if he threw a little Jaden-existentialism in the mix. And if those are all references you understand, you will also appreciate DeMario's thoughts on being the center of attention: "I won't lie, I love attention… not like '07 B. Spears attention or 2011 Sheen. Natural attention like when Justin and Brit wore those incredible denim outfits." Oh, you mean MY PERMANENT TWITTER THEME?

DeMario has a real Michael B. Jordan thing going for him, he chose a crew neck t-shirt instead of a v-neck, and he seems to choose to capitalize words or abbreviate them completely at random. I love him and I will make him mine. And who does DeMario hope to make his? His ideal mate is, "Outgoing, people person, funny, crazy, calm, cool, loud, funny, geeky but cool like The Fonz." Who has two thumbs, is standing near a jukebox, and is exactly like that? (Hint: It me.)

Anthony—Education Software Manager, 26

Anthony is too young for Rachel, but he also seems like the smartest one in the bunch. He got a Fulbright Scholarship to teach on the Ivory Coast, he name checks that weird carnivorous island in Life of Pi, his favorite movies are the very well-rounded trio of The Iron Giant, Moonlight and The Matrix, and his ideal mate is intellectual. Also he says he has "virtually no limits" in the bedroom"…so he will let you do butt stuff.

Diggy—Senior Inventory Analyst, 31

Homboy wore Warby Parkers to the beach. And they look good! Homeboy also took us on a wild ride via his questionnaire answers—and that makes sense. I don't think you come by the name Diggy because of your mild demeanor. (However, that this is not a grown-up Diggy Simmons is a disappointment that cannot be overcome.) Diggy begins a lot of his sentences with "Now," and it's hard to tell if he's marking the time or speaking like an elderly southern woman: "Now [chile], I'm trying to recover from the day drinking!" But once you get past that, I find his most embarrassing moment hilarious: "When I was stranded on a toilet for hours in 5th grade." Tell me everything, I'm dying for more Dig-Diggy-deets!

Now, where I could have used less information is in his "fun story about a one night stand" answer. Diggy explains that he spent all day with a young lady, then she came home with him and they had sex. Then she got a text that her brother was missing, "so I played asleep so I didn't have to help!" Hey Digs, wtf? That girl just gave you her special wonder gift and waited for you during your hours of patented Diggy Toilet Time—help her find her damn brother! [Ed. Note: They better fucking put that one-night-stand question in the next women's questionnaire or I swear…I have no threat. I will watch this show until the day it kills me. But I WILL make a note of it!]

Bryan—Chiropractor, 37

Thirty-seven?! Get it, Bryan! Bryan is cute and a little shifty, and not just because he's a chiropractor (ed. note: sick chiropractor burn from someone who has never, not once, been to a chiropractor). For example, when asked to list his three best attributes, Bryan replies, "Affectionate/passionate, personable/charming/funny, kind/good heart." Bryan. You can't just use slashes and act like that isn't seven attributes! Affectionate and passionate are not even remotely synonyms, and if they were, you could just say one. But Bry-Guy fits in all those great attributes, and then one more: Bryan's favorite flower…is an orchid. Haaaaave ya met Bryan? He loves vaginas!

Bryce—Firefighter, 30

We're all on the same page that Bryce is an animated character of some kind, right? Like…he's that thing where a cartoon Easter Bunny turns into a human man and is debatably hot, right? Also, "a fresh drink of water with a jolt of lightening" is an incredible way to describe yourself as a lover, right? In return, Bryce only asks that his mate have "eyes you could drown in and a smile that insults the sun." I'm gonna be so mad when Bryce is totally boring and gets eliminated the first night, because describing handwritten letters as "one of the purest forms of materialized emotion" is just really not a diction rollercoaster I expected to take in the Bachelorette Bio Breakdown.

Fred—Executive Assistant, 27

"My greatest achievement is attending two graduate school program from two different universities simultaneously and graduating from both in the same weekend." Fred says he wants to be Ellen for a day, but he is, in fact, living the life of Hermoine with a Time-Turner. Fred also has the single most question-inducing answer of all the 31 men. When asked if he's ever been turned on at the wrong time, he responds, "Yes, there are times that I get aroused at work and I have to go back to my desk to avoid being noticed." Fred, "times?" How frequently this happening? And why is it always happening away from your desk? Where are you going in your office as an executive assistant that's constantly giving you boners? Are you the executive assistant at PornHub? Is everyone at PornHub constantly having to watch you erection-dash back to your desk: "Uh oh, looks like Fred angled his dangle by the fish tank again." I got my eye on your, Fred.

Kenny—Professional Wrestler, 35

I have it on good authority that Kenny is actually a fairly well-known wrestler, and it is my own personal opinion that Kenny contains multitudes. He has a daughter who he speaks of very sweetly, his favorite book is The New Jim Crow, and he once sent a woman a different edible arrangement for a week. Please don't be a dick, Kenny.

He also thinks he and The Rock are "very much alike," which, I get it—I want to think I'm the most charming, beloved man in the world too. But I'm not the Rock, and neither is Kenny. If he's anywhere close though, I demand he be the next Bachelor. And if not, I propose Kenny be cross-network drafted into The Challenge in what I am calling a "reverse-Miz."

Lucas—Whaboom, 30

Hey Lucas, real quick, what the hell. I don't know if you noticed, but everybody this season has 1950s jobs: doctor, lawyer…professional wrestler. You can't just make a made-up word your profession. You also can't say that your ideal mate would be four different animated characters—Belle, Cinderella, Little Mermaid, and Jessica Rabbit—three of whom I'm pretty sure are teenagers. In the very weird Facebook Live Chris Harrison did, he described Whaboom for the confused listener: "It's a lifestyle. It's an essence. It's who he is. It's a noun, it's a verb, it's an adverb. You can be Whaboom, you can be Whaboomed, and you can Whaboom." Hey Chris Harrison, you know what else is a lifestyle? Zippin' it.

Jonathan—Tickle Monster, 31

Which brings us to Jonathan and his stab at being the person with a weird job—sorry bro, who could have known Lucas was going to swoop in with Whaboom, spawning, like, 100 Bustle posts. Like "Twins" and "Dog Lover" before him, Jonathan has given himself an occupation that is not a thing, but my assumption is he's a pediatrician or something. Either that, or he, a.) plays the Cookie Monster on Sesame Street and auto correct really did a number on him, b.) is a real creep. Jonathan does go on to specify that he usually lasts a long time in the bedroom…"in a good way." But when your profession is Tickle Monster, "a good way" really starts to feel relative.

I truly could not have made this joke better myself than this person on The Bachelorette Facebook page:

Blake K—U.S. Marine Veteran, 29

Blake K is very cute and very basic, and Rachel should marry him and have very beautiful children together. The man would want Chipotle on the desert island that exists only in these questionnaires; he loves The Rock and Shark Week; he admires his mom more than anyone else in the world, and his ideal mate has a great smile. Blake K will get voted off the first night or he will win, there is no in between.

Jack Stone—Attorney, 32

Finally, Jack Stone. Jack Stone gives exactly no explanation for why he is going by Jack Stone, and his job is listed as "attorney," not "super-secret antihero agent played by Matt Damon and/or Liam Neeson," so I'm at a loss. There are no other Jacks. No one else lists a last name. Is it a double name? If he gets eliminated before we find out, I will never forgive Rachel…and neither will Jack Stone. Jack Stone has a very particular set of skills, Rachel. Skills he's acquired over a long career. Skills that make him a nightmare for people like the Rachelorette. If you let him stay until the second cocktail party, that'll be the end of it. He will not look for you, he will not pursue you, but if you don't, he will look for you…he will find you and he will kill you.

Best of luck to you, Rachel. I hope none of these weirdos try to wear you like a coat or have a threesome with a couch or make you bounce with them in a moonwalk castle, or whatever. See you back here, friends, for intermittent recaps that will absolutely never be posted in a timely manner. Because I would do anything for you, dear reader—but I won't do that.