#oh need to de clog bathroom sink drain too

[machinecreature]

today.. we finish the cleaning i started yesterday. that’s about all i got going on

[hansolmates]

jeonghan; everything comes back to you

feat. Jeonghan x female reader

genre: anti-soulmates!au, angst + a happy ending 

word count: 6764

summary:  After a long-term relationship with Yoon Jeonghan, things get ultimately more painful when he insists that you guys are still suited to stay “best friends”. Nothing’s grand about having your ex constantly coddle you, especially when he has his own terribly perfect life and you think you’re being dropped like a fading blip on his radar.

Love is like a stroke of lightning, they say.

Something so conventionally beautiful, le coup de foudre, the way morning dew kisses scarlet hued roses, rolling across their petals like chilled honey.

That’s not love. Love is the hard water grime on an old pipe, the clogged drain disgusted by bile and years of wear and tear. It’s when that pipe is so full of everything, something so all-encompassing that it needs to burst and smack you in the face.

“I love you.” She fixated on the way his lips curled in a cotton soft smile, painless and muted with unspoken truths. The words rolled off his tongue so easily, like hot chocolate, sweet and unforgiving. “But I can’t settle right now, not when all of this has been going on.” he held out his hand, his fingers lingering over her pinky, stained with shame. What was all of this? Was it more than his simple study abroad trip and the unspoken fear of a long distance relationship?  Did he think it was to easy to believe a whole year was enough to make things better? Was a year enough to simply forget?

Is love when you stop putting up a fight, to make the other party happy? Or is it when you make the strongest effort to keep it alive, until there’s nothing left to fight for?

“But I still love you.” he insisted, throwing his arms around her in a shameless embrace. How could she say no to those open arms, ones that held her steady all these years, only to destroy her under the same touch. Her head collapsed on her shoulder as she grappled the back of his clothes with fingers that seemed to slip , the thick wool of his sweater eating up the tears that would disappear under the dense fabric.

Love wasn’t all beauty.

Her heart felt coiled. Something she probably abhorred more than Jeonghan’s love, was probably hope. Hope was what urged her to keep going, to continue a poorly re-stitched friendship she never really wanted a part in. To allow herself to simmer silently like the way kindle burned, weak and longing for more. There was no space to let the smoke escape, so she just let the flames blaze, leaving herself to choke.

“You need to go out more.”

The statement came from (now ex) Yoon Jeonghan. They were still “best friends” he insisted warmly, taking every other free weekend to come to her apartment and raid her fridge. She'd watch his presence with a strangely content forlornness, that if she had to settle with having Jeonghan as just a friend she'd take it. He was on her couch, nestled in with a pint of Dulce de Leche ice cream and a pair of loose grey joggers slung around his lithe hips. There was a perky sky blue hairclip which tacked back his oakwood bangs, stolen from her bathroom sink.

“I do go out.” she insisted defensively, her fingers scrunch between her flannel blanket. She was on the opposite couch, making sure to give a fair amount of space.

“Really? Then I retract what I just said, you don't go out with me.” he adjusted with a jut of his lips. And he did look genuinely disappointed, abhorring the way she exuded feigned disinterest. It was devilishly calculating, knowing he could never undo the hundreds of her tellings. The way she lied, pretended to be disinterested, he knew too much for comfort.

“Excuse me, I have a degree I'd like to earn and it's not gonna happen if I constantly accept your invites—”

“Oh please, you always said yes when we were together.”

When we were together. But not anymore, right? His consistent need to act as if their former relationship was still a tag-on to their current friendship stung in the most obscure ways. One, because most relationships were cut and dry, if you're not together, you're not. Jeonghan relentlessly wanted and wanted her attention, and she wanted to give more, but not in the way he desired. She was ready to bite out a “but we're not together” until he opened his damn mouth again.

“And there's a guy I’ve been talking to, I want you to meet him.”

She always insisted they were the ones for each other. People said when you find your soulmate, you could feel it. Her parents felt it, her parents’ parents felt it. The tingle of inexplicable happiness, the everlasting feeling of pure and sheer love.

With Jeonghan, she definitely felt some semblance of that.

But it wasn't like that little bubble of happiness, the neverending butterflies and the candy-coated confessions. They fought, they were stubborn, and sometimes didn't get along. But they loved fiercely, and it seemed more redeeming than any soulmate could give.

Until her world turned grey.

It was some random night in winter. Jeonghan was sleeping over and they were going to have a movie night, gorging themselves with takeout and an abundance of pillows on her couch. She felt a niggling in her chest throughout, like someone was knocking at her door and telling her to hurry the hell up and open it. But it was tolerable, the knocking was imaginary but the warmth of Jeonghan under her blankets was beautifully real.

But when she stumbled out of their bed in the early hours of the morning, when even the sun didn't want to shine down, that pain was just as unbearably, invariably real.

Tears streamed down her face like an automatic switch, and she clutched her chest with an animalistic scrunch. If only she could rip it out! If only there were no such thing as soulmates, bonds of fate. Her hands shook as she lifted her hand from her bathroom sink, praying that her pinky was still tattooed in the pearl white hue that branded her to another stranger.

But her tattoo was now grey. Grey grey grey.

Dead she whimpered, her nails digging into the marble of her counter. It didn’t take rocket science to figure out the meaning of the liminal color. My soulmate is dead.

She used to fear the day her soulmate would make themselves known, but this was far worse than what she anticipated. The knife only twisted itself further into her heart when Jeonghan stumbled into the bathroom, cheeks soft with sleep and eyes half-lidded with innocence.

“Babe?” he mumbled, stepping into the acrylide yellow lights, his brows furrowing in a stupor. “What’s wrong?”

The only thing she could whimper was a crackled “Hannie,” and a string of morbid murmurs, dead, they’re dead and it hurts so much, too weak to get up or explain. Jeonghan’s eyes suddenly blinked to life, his whole body dropping to the white tiles. He didn’t need her to explain, and pulled her in his arms, tucking her legs over his lap in a cradle. He held on tighter, pressing his lips to her damp forehead in a poor attempt to stop her from shaking like a fallen leaf. The both of them did not know what hurt more, the fact that she would never meet her soulmate, or that they’ve confirmed that Jeonghan wasn’t hers. Jeonghan continued to embrace her, warmth seeping through the cold tiles.

That night they confirmed that their relationship wasn't any less than wishful thinking.

Jeonghan’s appearance was a sinful decadence.

“You look like a professor.” she remarked bitterly as they waited outside the small club. That was a lame attempt for her choking down her desire when she met up with Jeonghan.

He always found a way to stun her in the simplest of ways. People always thought Jeonghan was one to put up a fuss when dressing up, but she knew better. He was happiest in his oversized sweaters, the breathable workout pants that he never exercised in, and a baseball cap to hold in the hair he never tried to brush. But the days that he did bother to dress up were just as happy for him, because it meant looking even better than he normally did. Tonight he was dressed in a burgundy blazer and slacks, a powerful shade only he could pull off with such contrastingly smooth features, and a plain white shirt underneath.

“And you look like a student.” he bit back teasingly, his fingers reaching over to pinch her pliable cheeks.

“I am a student!” she huffed in feigned agitation, already annoyed he was trying to mess up her makeup before their night even started.

In some ways, it seemed like their relationship never ended. It was everything but the physicality, and even then there were times like this, when Jeonghan would linger too long on her form like she was the last bit of light on earth, his toffee eyes sparkling like liquid copper with blissful ignorance to the pain of the past. Break ups were supposed to be a good thing, it was supposed to signify a new day, a better tomorrow. But it was like her heart strings were still singing for Jeonghan and and it seemed like he was always half a beat off.

“Oh, there they are.” Jeonghan looked off into the crowd of bar goers, his gaze now miles lost.

Following his actions, she squeezed the fabric of her jacket pockets upon seeing a pair walking up to them. The young man had jet black hair, and permanent bounce in his step as his eager eyes took note of Jeonghan and her waiting at the entrance. She knew him from school, definitely, because who could miss the sparkly puppy eyes and positive disposition of Choi Seungcheol? But the other young man seemed to be more in his own world, eyes only focused on Jeonghan as he slided up to his arm.

She felt a jolt in her side, realizing that this was the guy Jeonghan had been seeing. The person Jeonghan had been going on dates with when she wasn’t around, feeling the things they once felt in syncopation.

“This is Joshua Hong,” Jeonghan introduced her, a small smile on his face.

Her hand autonomously reached for Joshua’s, his warm palm betraying her initial icy apprehension she had. She understood why Jeonghan was so smitten with this guy. One look into those playful, cat-like eyes and you were a goner. But his smile was even more terrifying, like the happiest things on Earth—ice cream, warm blankets, randomly finding money in your pocket—all wrapped up into Joshua’s petite form.

“Nice to meet you!” Joshua chirped, his voice reminiscent of windchimes. “Jeonghan’s told me a lot about you!”

She raised a brow and slowly turned to Jeonghan, hoping he’d kindly inform what these things were, but he clasped her shoulders and spun her around so she was chest to chest with his other friend. “And this is his roommate, Seungcheol!” Jeonghan informed.

Seungcheol on the other hand was a breath of new air, and she couldn’t decipher if it was a good thing or a bad thing. He had glowy star-like eyes that seemed to be eager to her every whim. It didn't go unnoticed when those eyes took their sweet time to meet hers, trailing in a slow gaze from the slit in her dress to the curve of her collarbones.

“Hey,” he said easily, finally meeting her eyes to shake hands.

It was only then she realized that the two of them were alone, left in the cold without a care in the world. Jeonghan and Joshua had already walked inside the club, probably looking frustratingly good together. Seungcheol put his hand out on the small of her back, his large fingers splaying hotly against her waist and searing through the thin material of her dress. She had half a mind to push him away with a stiff smile and call a cab, but she would never hear the end of it if she went home early. At the very least Seungcheol gave her a comforting smile, one that made her feel a little too vulnerable but very much understood, and escorted her inside.

Two hours and too many drinks to count, she found herself slumped at the edge of the bar, mulling over her life choices. Jeonghan was off on the dancefloor, looking absolutely celestial against the neon lights. It was probably just the liquid talking, but things seemed to be going impossibly slow as she watched Jeonghan dance with Joshua, the pair coupled in half-lidded eyes and wet lips.

“Y’know, he talks about you a lot.”

She pushed her heel to spin her seat, up until her bare knee brushed up against Seungcheol’s rough denim. She had to admit, he was a pretty good date. Other than the fact that his eyes had a difficult time looking at her face rather than her body, he was patient and sat by her the entire evening. “You’re kidding.” she said easily, her cheek digging into her palm.

“Why would I be kidding? The first time I heard about you, I was picking him up from  the airport and he immediately asked if I ever saw you around class. And trust me, Joshua isn’t going to last either.”

“How can you say that?”

“They’ve only been dating for what, three weeks?” Seungcheol held up his fingers, pouting. “It’s a new record, but he’s been dating around and hasn’t settled since you.”

She knew that much. Jeonghan was a honeytrap in disguise, (”Like bees to the Hannie” they’d joke together). As she watched the way Seungcheol ticked his fingers in her hazy focus, her eyes fought to settle on the prominent white tattoo around his pinky. It matched majority of the other clubgoers who haven't found their soulmates yet, Jeonghan and Joshua included. Her gaze fluttered to her own pinky, the dull grey staining her finger. A wave of sickness fell over her form, and she struggled to down the rest of her drink.

“What do you think it’s like?” she gestured to the white tattoo he wore. “When it turns red?”

He looked up thoughtfully, the magenta lights reflecting against his skin and the open expanse of his button down. “Mhm, dunno. My parents are pretty gross, though. Although they consider themselves lucky.” he lifted his hand, as if it were the first time seeing his soulmate mark. “I’d definitely like to meet my soulmate, whoever they are. If it was really meant to be, it’d happen, right? No use waiting, that’s why we’re here.”

“Yeah.” she licked her lips, biting the inside of her cheek. “I wish I could’ve met mine.”

Panic suddenly flooded his features, his eyes widening. “Wait, I’m so sorry. I didn’t—”

“Seungcheol, do you mind taking me home?” He stood up straighter in surprise, sobering up despite the fact he had very little to drink. He gave her an apologetic frown, but she shook her head with a soft smile. She knew he was only trying to assure her, that she had not fallen off Jeonghan’s radar and she was certainly still relevant in his life. But she didn’t want to be a little blip in his system, readily fading and painfully out of reach.

Finishing off his drink, Seungcheol gave her a sad smile and offered his hand. “Of course.”

The days following were terribly brutal.

She had a double date with Ben and Jerry (Half-baked with some Cherry Garcia on the side) ready to catch up on a litany of cheesy rom-coms and her lonely couch. Unfortunately it seemed like her so-called best-friend had other things in mind.

Things got weird after that night at the club. She and Seungcheol left with a simple goodbye, feigning exhaustion on her part.

22:05 [Hannie] So I take it last night went well? ;)

22:33 [Hannie] Hello, are you having an ice cream party without me? It’s Sunday Sundaes, and you didn’t invite me?

23:00 [Hannie] Replyyyyyyyy to meeeeee :((

Muting her phone, she strategically placed it in the farthest couch crevice by her feet. Without the light constantly alerting her of new messages, she was able to push any potential thoughts of Jeonghan to the back of her mind and focus on having a night to herself. Why was Jeonghan so concerned about being with her so often, and have the audacity to ask that last night “went well” with Seungcheol? Maybe Jeonghan thought he needed closure knowing that he was able to successfully set up his ex-girlfriend with someone new. But she was dealing with an inescapable closure that Jeonghan ripped open fresh on the daily. She hated being so foolishly in love, and rightfully so. Her pinky finger tingled like a dull long-term injury, reminding her that love is an emotion that systematically craves to be ached.

The next morning was met with an incessant banging on her door, jolting her awake from her tangled limbs intertwined through her blanket. With a heavy sigh, the golden sunrays kissed her eyes, forcing her to get up. Wiping the drool from her chin, she wobbled to the front door, blanket still wrapped around her sleepy form.

“What?” she snapped, swinging the door open.

“Uh,” Seungcheol offered her a lopsided smile, holding a tray of coffee in one hand and a bag of pastries in the other. “Rough night?”

Her anger boiled down to confusion, and she let him inside her mind buzzing with reasons as to why he was at her front door so damn early. “What are you doing here?” she asked, hoping she didn’t sound too sharp at his presence.

Placing the food on her counter, he stuffed his hands in his worn navy hoodie. “Didn’t Jeonghan text you? We’re meeting them at the amusement park today.”

“That wasn’t part of my weekend plan.” she stifled a curse of protest, reaching over to her couch to dig her phone out. True to Seungcheol’s word there was a litany of text messages alerting her of these plans, all sent out by Jeonghan. “He just doesn’t stop, does he?”

“Not with you, no.” Seungcheol chuckled, relaxing in the seat next to hers. “It’s hard for him to make friends, y’know?”

“I know but still.” she frowned, staring at the phone in her lap.

“I know, it sucks.” Seungcheol’s eyes lingered at the way her fingers clenched in her lap, the grey that stained her pinky standing out like monochrome in a rainbow. “But if it was really meant to be, things will work out.”

The whole world seemed to revolve around fate, an enigmatic presence that fought to have more autonomy than the average human. Forcing herself to get up, she feigned a smile. “I’ll be ready in ten. I wouldn’t want to leave you third-wheeling with Josh, now would I?”

Over her shoulder she heard his voice, hesitant to admit but strong enough to rip the bandage. “He’s actually dating another person. Dumped Joshua that night we met.”

Slamming the bedroom door none-too-gently, she exhaled. And the cycle continued.

“Are you okay?” Seungcheol asked, elbowing her lightly. “You barely ate in the car. Are you nervous or something?”

“I’m fine. I just can’t go on rides when there’s food in my stomach.” she admitted reluctantly, hoping he couldn’t hear the rumbles of protests in her body.

It wasn’t a lie, she really did get extra sick on rides if she ate, but she had a cup of Seungcheol’s coffee and slept in the car to preserve as much energy as she could for the day. The four of them were walking to queue in for their first ride, her and Seungcheol trailing behind Jeonghan and his new girl. Her name was Sinbi, a gorgeous lady that dripped intimidation just as much as Jeonghan did when they first met. It was surreal, seeing the pair of them walk down the runway of the amusement park like they were being filmed for a reality show. Even in Jeonghan’s plain white v-neck and light wash jeans, he still looked great. Sinbi clung to his arm like North and South polarities, unable to wean away. She couldn’t blame her.

“You guys are such slowpokes!” snapping out of her daze, she blinked at Jeonghan who was looking over his shoulder. A playful smile danced on his petal pink lips, giving her that childish look he always gave her when she didn’t do what he wanted. Her heart stuttered, momentarily distracting her empty stomach with his sudden attention. If it not for the fact his arm was currently used as a handle for Sinbi’s hands, she would have considered walking faster or give some sort of verbal indication that she was having fun.

“I’m sleepy.” she glowered, gripping the cool rail of the queue they stopped at. “And it’s so hot outside.”

“But you love roller coasters.” Jeonghan pouted, stopping at the end of the line. “It’s not my fault you didn’t read my messages.”

She felt Seungcheol elbow her in the side, wordlessly urging her to at least try to be a little more cheerful. “Yeah, sorry about that.” she forced a smile, feeling the dull ache in her heart ready to explode at the seams. “But you always seem to find a way for us to be together.”

“Like fate, sweetheart.” Jeonghan teased, turning his back to give his attention to Sinbi.

Like fate. With a scoff, she turned away and decided she had enough of Jeonghan’s baseless flirting especially when he already had a date right next to him. She maintained friendly conversation with Seungcheol majority of the day, and he was more than welcome to give her the attention. He wasn’t bad company at all, and even braved a couple of the smaller coasters with her.

The sun was getting to an almost deathly heat, blaring against the amusement park goers who were waiting in line. They were at the last line before boarding, this time a boat ride that swung back and forth. Thankfully it was something Seungcheol could handle as he mentioned with a secretive grumble that he’s afraid of morbidly large rides.

“Then how did you manage to get on all the other rides before?” she asked pointedly, poking him in the bicep.

“Of course, because I had you to hold my hand the entire time.” he teased, leaning in so his large puppy brown eyes could bore into hers. She snorted at the blatant flirting, pushing him lightly with the pads of her fingertips.

“Your hands were so clammy they were like a fountain. You were so nervous!” she added, nudging her head to map out the blush that pooled beneath his cheeks. She concluded that whoever was Seungcheol’s soulmate was certainly a lucky person, because having him look at her like that, even platonically, felt like she was on some type of Cloud 9.

That cloud evaporated as soon as Jeonghan stepped himself into their conversation, tilting his head as if he were completely ignorant to his intrusion. The line was starting to move, and the workers were directing people in pairs to their seats.

“You should sit with me.” Jeonghan pouted, nudging his slender body between the two.

“Seungcheol needs a hand to hold.” she replied tartly.

“Nuh uh.” he frowned in that terribly adorable way when he doesn’t receive immediate self-gratification, and pushed Seungcheol to Sinbi, who giggled cutely and urged him onto the platform with her. “Spend some time with me.”

She sighed, conceding when the workers had already seated Sinbi and Seungcheol on the opposite end of the boat, and for her and Jeonghan to fill in the other end. Squeezing next to a pair of children, she gripped the handlebars, and reached for their seatbelt.

Jeonghan got to it first, reaching over her bare thighs to strap them to the ride. She froze, feeling the soft scent of his hair waft in her space. He smelled of aftershave, the way someone would come out of a shower all clean and refreshed.

“Having fun?” he asked lightly, breaking away to look at her directly in the eye. She liked his new haircut, the bangs framing across his soft cheekbones.

She shrugged, gripping the bar in front of her with more force than necessary. “Yeah, I guess. Amusement parks are always fun. And Sinbi’s a beautiful girl, I hope you two work out.”

Jeonghan’s smile dropped a degree at the neutrality of her answer, and she tried not to show that she noticed his sudden pinch. “Thanks.”

The ride rumbled to life, the boat swinging them back and forth like a pendulum. The sky was a vibrant azure, the sun shining in its cloudless arena. She focused on the way the sky seemed so clear, hoping Jeonghan would try to enjoy the ride on his own and stop trying to revive dead conversation.

It was then she felt slender fingers creep over the bar handle, brushing against hers. She only had a second to comprehend before Jeonghan pried her hand off the bar, lifting their intertwined fingers in the air. Giving her a crescent grin, he said, “It’s only fun if you put your hands up!”

And he screamed the carefree scream he always did when he was having fun, bringing her along for the ride. It was definitely reminiscent of the times they went to the amusement park together, the way his face would melt into momentary youth and the way his fingers felt melted between hers. Maybe for the moment, she conceded, tightening her hold.

However Seungcheol’s face was a deathly chartreuse by the end of the ride. She ripped herself away from Jeonghan once she got off the ride, paying no mind and instead helping Sinbi get him out of the boat. “Are you okay?” she asked worriedly, taking one arm while Sinbi took the other, leading him to the nearest empty bench.

The dark haired boy nodded sluggishly, his eyes rolling. “M’okay. Just a little seasick.” his voice sounded like molasses, heavy and barely hanging on.

“I’ll stay with you then.” she nodded to Jeonghan and Sinbi. “We’ll tap out of the next couple of rides. You guys go on and have fun.”

Jeonghan looked ready to argue, but with two opposing sides against him, he seemed at the tail end of his wits. Sinbi was tugging on his arm, urging him to spend the rest of the day alone. On the other hand, his friend was sick and it was his idea in the first place to come here. “We’ll come back after a few more rides.” he finally said, biting his lip.  

Seungcheol nodded, cradling his head. “Gotcha. We’ll be here.”

Ignoring the extended look Jeonghan was giving her as the pair walked away, she plopped on the bench next to Seungcheol. “Y’know what. I regret not eating those pastries you got me this morning.” she stared woozily at the sun directing them, feeling a lot more lightheaded than she did earlier. “I’m completely drained and the sun isn’t helping at all.”

Her companion nodded lazily. “We should go get water or something.”

“Mmph.” she groaned, eyeing a food stand on one tail end of the walkway. “I’ll go to the bathroom and wash my face, maybe it’ll help me wake up. I’ll get us water after.”

“Are you sure? You can rest a bit and we can go together.”

“It’s fine.” she replied breathlessly, waving him away. “I need the fresh air.”

However her trek to the bathroom just seemed longer and longer as the length of the day seemed to toll on her. They’ve been there since morning and it was already well past noon. The last ride was a little upsetting to her stomach, even with Jeonghan holding her hand, and she understood why Seungcheol wasn’t a fan of heavy rides. Wiping the sweat off her brow, she sighed and pushed the bathroom door open. She was only to be met with even more hot air and a stuffy building as little children and mothers filed in and out of the bathroom like ants on clockwork, bumping into her and paying no mind.

Her eyes concentrated on the bright scarlet of a little girl’s t-shirt before stars sparked her vision, and her mind shut to black.

A name. Her name, bubbling and overflowing out of someone’s mouth like their life depended on it. Squinting her eyes once, twice, she saw orange light fill the vision of her eyelids before she opened her eyes fully. Her fingers immediately grasped the rough, hospital-like sheets beneath her body. Cool air consistently fanned her face due to the large ceiling fans.

“You’re awake!” Seungcheol cheered, sounding a lot better as he peered over the foot of her bed. “How’re you feeling?”

She could barely hold out a garbled “okay” before her friend shoved a bottle of water in her face. Her mouth felt like the Sahara as she eagerly twisted off the cap, downing a couple of gulps. Scanning the room, she noticed there were other cots around the little building filled with people and employees.

“We’re in the park infirmary.” Seungcheol supplied, “You fainted in the bathroom. I didn’t even realize until people started crowding the area.”

“I did?” she groaned, throwing her body back on the sandpaper sheets. “God. I’m so sorry.”

“Don’t say sorry to me, I’m pretty sure Jeonghan’s sprinting over at this point. Only you could get Jeonghan to run a marathon.” he chuckled.

“Wait, you told them?”

“What else was I supposed to do? Tell them you were in the bathroom for two hours?”

Their banter was cut at an almost anticipated soft interjection. She heard her name echoed throughout the tiny infirmary, treated only in the cotton-soft way that Yoon Jeonghan always handled her name. Jeonghan was leaning against the doorway, looking absolutely breathless as his chest heaved in and out through the white fabric of his shirt, practically see-through at the neck where sweat collected. He never ran a day in his life unless his school grades depended on it, and here he was looking worried as hell and striding over to her cot.

“Are you okay?” Jeonghan asked, eyes darting between her and Seungcheol. She managed a small nod, and Jeonghan turned sharply to Seungcheol, running a hand through his damp bangs. “Coups, can you do me a favor and please take Sinbi home? She’s still at the wooden rides by the food stands. I’ll take you home.” he turned to her, already bending over to pick up her purse.

Seungcheol looked ready to argue, a quip about “being a gentlemen” and escorting your date home properly, but the no-nonsense look in Jeonghan’s eyes indicated a finality that wasn’t to be challenged. “Alright, I’ll go get Sinbi. Eat something, okay? Drink lots of water.” with a small smile, he stepped out of their space, leaving the two alone.

The ride home was so awkwardly palpable, you could have sliced through it with a butterknife. She ignored Jeonghan’s looks the entire way, nibbling absently on a protein bar he got her from a vending machine. There goes her easy Sunday. She already knew that Jeonghan had something to say, something that consisted of more than the usual “alrights” and “don’t do thats”. And when they parked in front of her apartment, she didn’t even bother telling him he didn’t have to bring her inside. He wordlessly followed her, looking half-tempted to hold her arm as they made their way to her room.

His burning gaze was starting to melt her just as, if not more so than the blaring sun she endured hours before. As soon as she shut the door behind them, she pinched the bridge of her nose, ready to face his reprimanding head on. “I’m fine. I just fainted, no broken bones or anything.” she grumbled.  

“You worried me sick.” he stated disapprovingly, crossing his arms. She fought the urge to make a snappy retort, and turned to her fruit bowl in the kitchen to pick at an overripe banana. “How could you be so careless and not eat all day?”

She shrugged, knowing her passiveness would irritate him even more, “I didn’t want to get sick on a full stomach.”

“Well, you got sick on an empty stomach.” he retorted, his attentive eyes zeroing in on her smaller figure. “I’ll go order you food, and drink the Gatorade you have under the crisper. And go lie down on the couch, it freaks me out that you’re forcing yourself to walk around when you just fainted.”

“Jeonghan,” she murmured icily, letting go of the fruit in her hand so it wouldn’t be twisted to mush under her grip. “Please. Stop worrying about me.”

“You can’t tell me not to worry about you.”

“You’re not my boyfriend anymore!” she finally snapped, smacking her hand against the marble table. Swiveling away from the taller figure she kicked off her socks, padding her way into the bedroom. Once she got to the doorframe of her room, her posture slumped, a breath she had been holding on for minutes finally seeping out of her body.

Jeonghan remained at the opposite end of her apartment, momentarily frozen at her outburst. The word “boyfriend” left a tart taste in his mind, and he hated it.

“I can’t do this anymore.” she blurted, her eyes steeled to a corner in the room.

“Do what anymore?” Jeonghan asked, his brows furrowed in confusion.

“This, everything. Go out with you and meet your boyfriends and girlfriends. Act like everything’s alright. God, I hate it when you coddle me like we’re still together! We’re just friends, you made it very clear when you broke up with me.” every single word was like an icicle to Jeonghan’s sanity, and she hoped that he finally got the hint. “I thought I could pretend I was okay with you still being around. But I’ll never be able to stand it the day you have your soulmate waiting for you on the other side, and me having to watch. I’m happy that you’re finding other people and that you can still look for your soulmate, but I’m tired of watching. I hate being so close to you, but still so far away. I’m tired of being on the sidelines.”

“Sidelines?” his words were feather light, but permeated through the entire apartment despite the distance between them. He looked absolutely betrayed, his expression marred with pain. “Is that what you think you are to me? Sidelined?”

“Yes!” she cried, throwing her arms in the air. She wished she had the strength to close the door in his face, sob and wait for him to leave. But everything was just ejecting from her mouth with no stop button, months of pent-up stress accumulating to this conversation. “God, Jeonghan, don’t you get it? I just want you to be happy, but you can’t be happy with me. I can’t be happy with you. Not when I’m—” she looked up at the ceiling, blinking away the fresh tears. “Not when I’m not yours.”

These feelings for him ached to be dropped, like baby teeth that you never really needed. But it was a love that ached to be craved, insatiable and almost intolerable. The staring contest with Jeonghan was electrifying, his mouth parted with silent words and his eyes void with any positivity he may have felt this morning.

“Fuck, I don't want to be ‘just happy’ anymore.” A sharp click left his tongue, and in seconds his long legs drove through the room before meeting her at the edge of her bedroom door. He didn’t even give her a chance to hold on before he hugged her, pulling her off the ground and into his arms.

An unexpected squeak left her lips as she felt her body being dragged over to her unmade bed, leaving her legs to dangle as Jeonghan parted them for his space. His body draped over hers in a kneeling position, giving her a somber look as he dropped his head in exhaustion. It wasn’t the kind of tired you got after a long day in the amusement park, but the collective weakness received by months of unspoken words.  

She felt his lips drag upon her shoulder, the plush skin sending shivers from the base of her neck to the hairs on her arm. This was subdued by the way Jeonghan’s fingers were absentmindedly drawing trails from her arms to the tips of her fingers, his soft skin running across hers like silk.

“I never told you why I really broke up with you,” his words mumbled against her bare flesh, but she could hear loud and clear. “I made up some bullshit excuse of feeling like we should see other people, and it worked out because I studied abroad for a year. But I took advantage of your weakness, your soulmate died that week and I’ll never fucking forgive myself for not giving you the support you needed.”

A shaky breath melted on the juncture between her shoulder and neck, Jeonghan practically supporting himself on her. She felt her nose tickle her skin, and she wondered if he was feeling just as intoxicated under her scent as she did for his. “I was so, so scared. I was scared of everything. Scared that I was disappointing you because I wasn’t fated for you, scared that I wasn’t looking hard enough for my soulmate and disappointing them by taking so long to find them. I didn’t want them to end up like you did, I didn’t want anyone to feel the way you did. And even though I thought I was doing good in the world, I was too selfish. I thought I could do both, date around and find them, and still have you. But seeing you with Seungcheol, was even worse than I thought. And the fact that he was there when I should’ve been taking care of you was just the icing on the cake. It should’ve been me.

“And I’m still going to be selfish, because I still love you. I love you so much. I miss touching you without having to think twice. I miss you calling me Hannie. Hell, my soulmate could be working with the penguins in freakin’ Antarctica for all I know. And yeah, maybe if I do ever meet my soulmate they’d probably be amazing and perfect for me. But I don’t want perfect. I don’t want to be whole and happy. I want the fights, I want our silly arguments and the way it drives me absolutely crazy when you eat all my ice cream that I hide in the top left shelf of your freezer. Because I know it’s worth it. You’re right here, right now, and it’s the greatest fate I could ever be blessed with. You can hate me for this, but I’m never letting you go ever again.”

The dam broke when she felt the wetness upon her shoulder, and the slight stutter in his grip when he clutched her wrists. It wasn’t hard, but firm as if he ever let go he’d lose her completely. His breathing was starting to mismatch from its pattern, his forehead nuzzling against the fabric of her shirt. “My body still sings for yours.” his hands traced over her thighs, the softest spots and the caresses that were forever ingrained in his mind. “I’ll make it all up to you, anything and everything you want.”

Liquid betrayal pooled in her thighs at his simple touches, and she shook her head fervently. “God,” she choked, stuttering out an almost painful laugh. “I hate you. I hate you I hate you. I love you so much I hate it. You’re such an idiot.” the words rolled off her tongue with urgency as she pulled Jeonghan’s face to hers, diving in for a kiss.

His fingers cradled her face, and he lifted her up slightly to pull her further into the middle of the mattress. The kisses were butterfly quick, pecks in every single inch of skin that were left abandoned for months on end.

“I hate you too.” Jeonghan whispered tenderly, pressing his forehead to hers.

With one hand supporting his body he lifted the other to raise his left pinky, the ring still tattooed to  a fresh edelweiss white. Tingles shot through her system like morphine as she reached for his with her own pinky, the grey tattoo just as prominent as they linked them together. An imperfect fit.

If fate was still something to be believed in, it was surely a ride well worth.