#oh my GOD this is one of the most incredible messages ive ever received in my LIFE

[searidings]

dude (gender neutral) ive spent the last few hours absolutely feral about the feelings “run the red out” had brought forth from my being. a few maximum damage moments:

- “Lena is her people, her person. Kara smiles at the man, slow and predatory. “Try me.” this quote literally hit so close to home, especially after yesterday’s ep with lena telling alex to tell her person. plus protective kara 🥵

- “Like, for example, the fact that she can’t stop touching Lena. She wants it, needs it like an insistent itch beneath her skin, addiction scratching through her veins.” this reminded me of a alex/sam+reign fic called “Don’t Close Your Eyes” by Promsie on Ao3 i definitely recommend it Reign had similar..trouble ;)

- “She was a weapon. They tried to turn her into— but what about us? Underneath the powers, what about us?” IM TAKING YOU TO COURT FOR EMOTIONAL DAMAGE U BASTARD /lovingly. that truth inducer scene where kara confessed her love is a joint filing

- “She never forgets Mikhail’s face. She still sees it in her nightmares. But the memories of his screams, of the burnt-out remains of his home, are joined now by memories of children smiling and laughing,”🥲 *whispers* stop

- “It wasn’t a one-time, Truth-Inducer-induced-only deal, you know. I told you I would keep telling you,” she says at Lena’s stunned silence. “Until you can believe it.” I saw the “i love you”, looked at how much of the story i had left and just kneww the angst train was coming 😃

- i cant even pick a quote to encompass all i felt about kara addressing her abandonment issues eleanor shellstrop im a legit snack meme totally cant relate to kara though

- “I want to. I want a record of you.” + “She fishes out the Polaroid camera Alex had given her last Christmas, invests in a few packs of film, and starts snapping.”= jail time, stop making me yearn dang nabb it

- “She follows Lena – at a frustratingly human pace – corners her at the end of the corridor and scoops her up....” before even getting here i was BegGing kar-bear to go after her cause all the straights™️ be like “i DidnT knOw tHat yoU wAnTed Me toO” looking at nick parker from parent trap DisRespectfully

- “Lena meets the children. They tug on the trailing belt of her winter coat, reach out stubby fingers to touch her silky hair. They’re enamoured by her, all of them, following her around as they stare wide-eyed and open-mouthed. Kara knows the feeling.” We’ve all been their for our favorite capitalist overlord gatekeeping girlboss 😌🤚

- “She’s very special, your girl,” he says, his strong accent rolling the words into something thick and warm and welcoming.” + “It’s not like I can’t afford it,” Lena mutters, embarrassed, ducking her head so her hair obscures her face as she confirms her account setup.” YOU HAD NO RIGHT TO COME INTO MY HOUSE WITH THIS!!! THE SOFT¡ THE tenDerNESSS!!! if you ever write a part two, can they adopt from this orphanage plz

- “We could take it back there,” just propose already jesus 🙄

- LITTLE DID I FREAKING KNOW HUHHHHH

- “She moves as you move.”  is a love language and no i will not take criticism

- “She pulls back after a moment to reach for a small box on her desk, which she presents to Kara with a tear-filled smile. “Hold on, and don’t let go.” even with the imPlicaTions i had not the imagination nor the hOpe to fully fathom how beautifully you would write it

- “Because the one thing they all have in common is that they all want you.” HOW DOES FEEL TO BE SO BIG BRAINED. all i could think about is ur young kara fic and the black mercy fic and now red daughter. just really makes me think of that post somewhere thats like “ i love fanfiction because i get to watch the same idiots fall in lover over and over again. in every universe, in every situation, they come together. against time, space, and any other obstacle- they beat the odds” anyway just wanted to say thank you for giving me that faye, i love your work

im. deceased

[simkjrs]

msa ch5 asks (and others)

Anonymous said: AAA FROM 'MEET ME IN THE WOODS'- i know that lyrics!!!!! nice!!

*finger guns* nice!!

Anonymous said: -also thank you for existing you beautiful beautiful person! 😘

i think i might have accidentally deleted (or answered separately?) the first half of this ask but nonetheless thank you

Anonymous said: OK first thing: the chapter was awesome! amazing job! Second thing: the entire chapter was basically deku 'mildly' freaking out while being thoroughly pissed the entire time

it really and truly was. izuku as that one macro that’s like “this string is held up through pure stress alone” 

Anonymous said: mr compress weeb confirmed

look at his custom made villain costume and tell me he isnt that kind of guy

Anonymous said: god. Msa!izuku is /fifteen fucking years old/ and he has to deal with /so much shit/. Can someone just put him to bed and let him nap for a year, maybe

yes! maybe not a year though.

Anonymous said: God bless the new chapter gutted me and the flipped me inside out showing my true form, that of a big fan. Thank you for the blessing that is MSA

this is such a gruesomely funny image. thank you

Anonymous said: hey just read msa for the around the 9th time. you ar e so good at writing, the way you write character interaction is incredible. you should be proud. this is literally the best thing ive ever read.

THATS SO MANY TIMES, IM ASTONISHED YOURE NOT SICK OF IT YET!!! i hate staring at my writing too long it starts feeling all faded out and boring!! im really happy to hear you like it so much!

Anonymous said: As soon as Izu/ku woke up on the table I started screeching simk. Not okay!!!

haha im so sorry!!!! but overhaul literally wouldve experimented on ai/zawa and he DID experiment on eri this is completely in character of him

Anonymous said: Overhaul/Skin Beast: hi yeah can I get a fucking uuuuuhhhhhhhh experiments/faces? Izuku: Experiment machine 🅱roke *flies away with eri*

completely accurate summary of the chapter

Anonymous said: every day I long to become the amount of salty msa izuku is

valid but every day i long for msa izuku to receive the love and support that he needs

Anonymous said: sweetie noooooooo

i have no idea what part of the chapter this is referring to but first of all, big mood, and second of all, valid 

Anonymous said: hello you hurting because so am i!

i am hurting. while i was writing the chapter i kept looking at the screen like “i’m doing this? i’m really going to do this?” but overhaul is like that and i cant deny him the one salient characterization point he has

Anonymous said: UNICORN DAUGHTER HAS BEEN RESCUED THANK ITS GREAT

[my longest yeehaw ever]

Anonymous said: Since I might not get any sleep tonight because of flight plans and I might forget tomorrow and the next day, Happy thanksgiving! I'm thankful for your awesome stories~

Anonymous said: Happy Thanksgiving! I remembered!

happy thanksgiving!! im thankful that you enjoy my stories <3

Anonymous said: good job! i love it. and i’m crying. where did all this blood come from?

We Are All crying blood at this chapter

Anonymous said: Just read the new chapter and all I want to do is keysmash into your inbox. The chapter! Was so good! Izuku being sassy and angry and traumatized but still trying! And Eri! I'm so glad she's with Izuku now. Deku-niisan! I don't have words! And Rappa? Rappa! Also, that poem you linked is really neat. Grow up grow strong and focus your fury. Kind of feel like this is the theme for these two trauma children. Great work!

someone in the comments described izuku as “thoughtlessly kind” and i was VERY emotional over that because it’s such an excellent descriptor of the kind of person izuku is... he’s still trying, because that’s just who he is 

deku-niisan to the rescue :^) 

i’m really glad you enjoyed the chapter! thank you!

@zintiay submitted: Normally I get really annoyed when a character refuses to use an ability that would let them fairly easily deal with those around them. In this case though, you have done a really good job displaying why he doesn’t want to use this option, as well as what it takes for him to be willing to use it, that I mostly feel sad for deku that he was forced to let Eri’s spirit possess him, instead of getting caught up in the hype of an awesome moment

Honestly though, that’s also my reaction to the chapter as a whole. It was full of interesting world building and was generally an awesome chapter, but it was also well written enough that I also feel Izuku’s emotions and mostly just feel melancholy now.(Seriously, when I look back on it, “I invite you in” opened the gateway to an awesome and well deserved ass kicking, but it’s mostly just heart breaking. Why can’t I just enjoy Izuku kicking ass? Why?)

ahaha yeah, i try to have good reasons for why characters do or don’t take certain actions, and this whole fusion thing is something he keeps REALLY close to his chest... i’m glad that carried across well! it is very sad though that he feels cornered into using this ability. 

thanks for reading!

Anonymous said: Just wanted to say thank you. I think this sounds weird, but you finishing up chapter 5 of msa actually helped motivate me and I managed to finish my essay for a class.

OH? i’m glad to hear that! congrats on finishing the essay!

Anonymous said: This chapter was so fucking perfect I'm crying diamonds. What in all heavens and hells are you, you godly creature? I am so bloody happy you exist in this world. In this time line. I love your stories so damn much!

thank you so much!! i’m really happy to hear this <3 

Anonymous said: I love how just Done with everything msa Izu/ku is with everything. The fact that the only person he treats like a Person and not another threat to his Cryptid Status is Er/i and he just brings her home. I just. I LOV UR WRITING OK

it’s because eri pings None of his danger senses and All of his “i have to do something about this” senses. izuku is constitutionally incapable of helping someone in need. 

and thank you!! i’m glad you like it!

Anonymous said: I hope you know that i was able to read about half a page before i fucking died laughing i lov msa de/ku so much

i try to serve my darkfic with a large side of comedy

Anonymous said: I have the vivid image of msa Deku running into Aizawa by accident and just slowly walking backwards before turning to the sky and yelling "I HAVE DEPRESSION AND ANXIETY! I! DO NOT! HAVE TIME FOR THIS SHIT AS WELL!!!" while Aizawa slowly comes to the conclusion that he must adopt and save this troubled child.

this is hilariously close to some future scenarios i have in mind

Anonymous said: seeing a new chapter of msa honestly made my heart skip a beat in excitement. i have SO MANY questions and thoughts about this universe, i think i could ask you questions for hours, it sparks my imagination and curiosity in the best way. but for now, i just wanted to sincerely thank you for choosing to share your story and thoughts and ideas with all of us! it's always a delight, and i don't take it for granted at all. thank you, and i'm wishing you all the best always!!

thank you so much for this message!! it always makes me happy to know that others are enjoying this story as much as i am <3 i hope the best for you as well!

Anonymous said: What I expected in MSA ch.5: PAINPAINPAINPAINPAIN What I got: PAINPAINPAIN also Izuku adopts Eri, and Rappa for some reason (or did he adopt them!?!? DUNDUNDUN)

i cant publish a chapter without doing something a little fun, right? 

also im laughing at the idea of izuku adopting rappa, a fully grown man, as opposed to the other way around. izuku would hate this concept if anyone ever said it to him.

Anonymous said: so is msa iz/uku's tragic backstory basically being a walking disaster for all of his life until the point where he would have, in canon, met all might, and the msa version of the all might/one for all is the Temple and the subsequent ShitStorm™?

nope! the temple is something else 

Anonymous said: 💖💖💖💖💖💓💖💓💓💕💕💓💕💕💕💝💝💞💝💟💟💟💟💟💟💞💝💝💝💝💝💟💟💘💘💘💘💘💘💘💘❤❤❤❤💙💚💚💚💛💙💚💜💚💛💚💜💙💜💚💟💞💗💞💟💟💜💚💛💚💘❤💘❤❤❤💞💟💝❤

<3 <3 <3 <3 <3

Anonymous said: i was stuck in a car for 3+ hours tonight but when i saw msa ch5 was up i was so excited, i spent the whole ride reading and re-reading it, it’s fantastic and you are too! <3

wow thats some dedication!! i hate reading in the car. thank you and im glad you liked it!!

Anonymous said: simk pls tell me we get roommate shananigans it would make my entire life. just a tired teen, a middle age man literally off the street, and their prepubescent daughter/little sister/niece/etc.

oh yes absolutely. this is a vital part of the au. don’t forget the cat

Anonymous said: hi hello i just want to say that your writing is amazing and gives me life and i get really really really excited every time you update. thanks for blessing us with such good fic <3

thank you so much!! i’m super glad to hear <3

Anonymous said: so izuku not only has eri but also the guy most likely to have been in kumite from bloodsport at his place. great job kiddo. (i mean that both genuinely and sarcastically)

izuku’s existence just naturally warps the reality he lives in into a circus show

Anonymous said: thanks to that one ask i can't stop laughing at the scenario of msa izu trying to get groceries and is seen by kiri / aizawa / tbh any hero. rappa and eri is with him and izu just stares at the heroes dead in the eye and leaves the place. he swears to never return there ever again

also hilariously close to some scenarios im contemplating

Anonymous said: DID MSA!DEKU EVER CATCH A BREAK ONCE IN HIS LIFE??? DID THAT EVER HAPPEN, SIMK. OVERHAUL IS UP THERE W ENDEAVOR I CANT BELIEVE U MANAGED TO MAKE ME HATE HIM THIS MUCH SNAKDNANFKW (btw? how much of a fucking RIOT would it be if the heroes did the exact same thing in canon, and when it came to the actual retrieving eri part theyd just find someone waving frantically "SHES ALREADY GONE, YOU IMBECILES. YOU FOOLS"

overhaul is easily hatable if you just extrapolate from his canon actions. cant wait for him to get fucking clowned

i think it would be really funny but kind of depressing if the heroes did that. izuku please help them

Anonymous said: u really dont fuck around, do u, simk?? this is really a chapter that i just read i really saw him getting experimented on by overhaul for real??? I REALLY SAW HIM DISMISS IT AS IF IT WAS ANY OTHER DENIAL WEDNESDAY???? DID THAT BOY EVER CATCH ONE (1) BREAK IN HIS ENTIRE LIFE?? also DAMN! HE Really Fucking Did That HUH HE BUSTED HER OUT OMG.. CANT WAIT FOR THE SIBLING RELATIONSHIP FEELINGS THING :') (also how much of a fucking RIOT wld it be if the heroes busted eri out but (1/2)

but when they ARE actually at the 8ps hq they just?? dont find her??????and everyone there is like "SHES ALREADY GONE YOU IMBECILES. YOU FOOLS." (2/2)

i really dont fuck around!! i hope!! i decide on a track and i stick to it!! as soon as i finished the first scene i knew that overhaul was going to Do That and i spent a few days agonizing over it and asking myself if i was really ready to go all the way with this. if i was really going to write it! i did write it. i am still occasionally in disbelief. 

yes. sibling relationship all the fuckin way 

Anonymous said: Is what happened at the temple the thing that made MSA Izuku give up on being a hero?

nah izuku giving up on being a hero is more just pessimism, cynicism, and paranoia trained into him by years and years of dealing with spirits and believing that he shouldn’t exist 

Anonymous said: this is all really silly but uhh,,, isn't izuku loosing credits? has his mother been informed of his absences? does he have anyone who can help him catch up with the missed material? is our boy going to graduate?

i dont really know how credits work in japanese schools, or how the absences thing works... he’ll be fine though, pinky promise

Anonymous said: Eri pulls back and looks up at them curiously. “Deku?” They peer down at her. She’s so small! She’s so near! “You look different. You…” She reaches up, and they bend down obligingly. Her hand touches something attached to the skull above the eyes -- my horn, the kirin whispers. “You have a horn like me,” she says, full of wonder, and touches it again. THIS ENTIRE FUCKING PART GOT MY HEART BEATING SO FAST. I LOVE THEM!!!! ILOVE HOW ERIS SPIRIT IS NOT A TOTAL ASSHOLE TOO!!!

trauma kid solidarity!!!! i am so excited for these two you have no idea

i, too, love it when a spirit shows a basic modicum of decency and is NOT Like That to izuku 

Anonymous said: "neptune" by sleeping at last gives me very kiri/msa!deku vibes

cool, i’ll check it out!

Anonymous said: Angry msa!izu/ku: acts like an alley cat, threatens to break a villain's dishes, talks a lot of bullshit, also kind of sad and depressed. Angry™ msa!izu/ku: frightens the hell out of everyone just by looking at them, makes everyone question their life choices, makes them feel small and insignificant and makes fun of said life choices, not exactly human.

yeah. i love msa izuku and  his anger is Valid 

Anonymous said: This chapter: Rappa: fight me MsaIzuku: no Rappa: fight me pls MsaIzuku: no Rappa: let me fight the people around you? MsaIzuku:....... Fine

this is a really great summary of that conversation

Anonymous said: Izuku's threat to throw all of M. Compress' dishes on the floor like that is the Worst thing you can do to someone made my entire day thank you

i’m really glad because this was the funniest threat i could think of besides “i’m going to break into your home and piss on your bed” 

Anonymous said: HE'S JUST A KID SIM

you know i had to do it to ‘em picture 

Anonymous said: Msa is just so so amazing!?!? I honestly love it so much. The way you write is so wonderful and it's practically doubled by the fact that the entire idea for the au is also wonderful. Izu is amazing and I love him. Thank you thank you thank you :')

aahhh im really happy you like it!! thank you for reading & supporting!!

Anonymous said: Rappa: "let me join you" ; msa!Izuku: "absolutely fucking not" ; Rappa: "I can be ur meat shield" ; msa!Izuku: *clenching and unclenching his fist, glaring up at the god he does not believe in as he leads Rappa and Eri to his home* "I fucking hate you"

izuku’s one weakness... trying to help others

Anonymous said: iirc, guardian spirits are bound to their respective charges by proximity but can still move around, but do they have to be close by when the quirk is used? Or will the quirk not be as effective?

nah, they don’t need to be nearby, one cool effect of being bound to a human is that the human has a store of the guardian spirit’s energy 

Anonymous said: Thoughts on the game OFF? Played it recently and it gave me Msa!spirit world vibes. The use of man made substances making up the natural world (e.g drinking plastic not water) just really stuck with me as something bizarre and very second intonation like. Although if you do explore the spirit world I guess you might have something maybe more mythological in mind? (Also the soundtrack is stunningly eerie).

never played OFF but i love its aesthetic so much 

Anonymous said: I'm gonna print msa out and it eat it. gochisousama

pfft itadakimasu 

Anonymous said: Hahahah holy shit that new chapter dialed things up to, like, 22 instead of 11 holy shit izuku oh no. (“Achievement Unlocked: 5+ Levels Of Trauma Added At Once!” msa!izuku: can I get a, uuuuhhhhhhh, refund?) skin creature is super creepy and perfect fit. Btw, side thought - however the heroes find out abt this whole mess, I bet they feel really guilty (shit, izuku puts foot in mouth and accidentally says smth. Kiri: horrified izuku: makes it worse by trying to leave topic) thx I Love it. V good!

once i committed i had to go all the way...

the ensuing conversations between izuku and the heroes are probably going to be kind of funny, and also a little sad. im looking forward to it. thank you for reading!

Anonymous said: Okay, I'm just catching up on the recent chapters of msa and this is what I've been getting so far Everyone: you have to understand- Msa izuku, restrained: no

correct. msa izuku refuses to accept your terms 

Anonymous said: Ahaha, geez, MSA chapter 5 was A M A Z I N G. Poor Izuku. Geez, the scene where he's tossed into his cell and just spends fifteen minutes crying and freaking out hurt so bad. And he remembered to (try and) call for help!!! Hopefully he tries again in the future, when it'll work (hopefully). I also got very excited by the Kirin!!! Like, holy smokes!!! Someone who actually doesn't want Izuku to suffer, and is willing to take steps to make that happen!! Yes good!! Plz timewalker protect this child

thanks carwash for being like the only friend izuku has

the relationship between izuku and the different spirits hanging around his house is probably going to be pretty fun. i know i’ve pulled a lot of bullshit in the past two chapters but i still have some new fuckery to introduce. i hope you are all excited for this

Anonymous said: would any other human be able to learn to speak in the second intonation in the msa au? Did msa deku learn the second intonation from someone, or is it just something he's always known?

1) good question! i haven’t decided yet. 2) he learned from someone else! who you will find out soon

Anonymous said: me: nobody has to get owned today. please, please put down the markers and step back msa izuku: Fuck oyu.

i totlaly forgot this was a thing but you know what? yeah. im laughing this is such a fitting quote

Anonymous said: you know by far one of the best aspects of msa izuku is just. He is a constant Power Move. and yet he would probs hate that. like this boy wants to be left alone and get some fuckin peace but in all his interactions whether he intends to or not he just fuckin busts a fuckin Move and its like holy shit holy fucking shit he did that.he did That. He doesnt want to do That he doesnt even realize its happening and thats why its a fuckin Power Move. Love this au i LOVE ur work and love ur storytelling

reminds me of @salvainterra‘s description of izuku: “izuku is both an unstoppable force and an immovable object and its through this paradoxical existence that hes reached the ultimate tier of not giving a fuck. good on him”

thats the secret behind it all!

Anonymous said: I love msa chapter five but I'm so worried about Izuku. He's a single teen parent of two now and he keeps missing school, how will he graduate and get in a position to follow his dreams of being alone and doing calligraphy if he misses so much of school that he doesn't get a diploma???

he will be ok! 

hey im really laughing at this because youre really including rappa as one of the people izuku adopted?? is this a thing now?? 

Anonymous said: (in msa) I am so glad you had Izuku save Eri omg. that poor child has been through enough (but also, omg the suffering you're putting Izuku through (it's great, keep going)). I'm super keen to see where you take this!!

i know im really putting izuku through the paces. while i was writing the first half of ch5 i kept telling myself that this was all for eri’s sake but MAN that was dark

thank you! im excited to pull some more bullshit. im glad you’ve been enjoying the story so far!

Anonymous said: Me reading the new msa chapter: ‘a family can be a Kirin, a girl who can disintegrate people, a supernatural teenager, a street brawler and perpetual sadness’ seriously tho it was really great and I loved it!!!

MFLNDLFKSDJF AND PERPETUAL SADNESS IM LOSING IT!!!

don’t forget the mysterious shadow spirit who may or may not be a cat 

i’m really glad you liked the chapter!!

Anonymous said: bc of allmights style i think of one for all's spirit just being a fucking american on the fourth of july with american flags everywhere and waving a minature flag threateningly and i cant stop thinking about it....

fortunately for us, that is incorrect 

Anonymous said: "Okay I've finally caught up on the backlog of work I've got, let's check in on my favourite blog and writer SIMKJRS and see what they're up to recently." *sees that you updated like a week ago* aaaaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

jflskdfj glad you’re excited for this!! i know i only update like once in a blue moon, 

Anonymous said: hey i just want to say that i love everything about msa; the writing, the story, the imagery, ALL OF IT thank you for making such a wonderful gift!

thank you!! im grateful for your support <3

[thattaekwondoblog]

My Martial Arts Story (TKD)

2020.04.26

today i miss my dojang extra... i woke up from a dream where i was supposed to spar but didnt have my dobok?? and one of my instructors handed me a.. dobok skirt?? and i was like? and he was like yeah u right this isnt gonna work sdbsmdfjsdd i dont really ever have tkd dreams (i think bc i usually am always doing tkd) but since i stopped for a bit the dreams are coming out. it made me miss sparring so much :( so below i wanted to talk about my tkd story in more detail. Enjoy!

i've actually always been a martial arts nerd, but moved around/focused on studying too much to commit to one until recently. I was talking to my mom the other day and neither of us can really remember what got me into it. I just remember wanting to be able to defend myself and be/feel strong from a very young age, and i knew martial arts was a way to do that. As a girl I also received a lot of messages that my gender was ‘weak’ and needed ‘protection’, which i really didnt like (it made me hate being a girl for some time). This is why i wanted to try martial arts. I discovered taekwondo when I was around 10 years old at a small dojang in my hometown. I loved the school & the master, who I remember always had a bamboo stick he would play around with when the kids started being rowdy (he never hit anyone, it was just his way to say ‘dont fck with me’ haha). but had to stop going after yellow belt because i was the oldest out of all the kids and i tried to go to adult classes for a while but i remember not liking it because it was ‘too slow’ for me and my mom couldnt drive me to late night classes. I was swimming a lot at the time too (fun fact i almost competed in synchronized swimming as a kid but had to stop due to illness (am totally fine now and it wasnt bad dont worry)). 

I didn’t do any martial arts in middle school, and only had brief encounters when i started high school. I dabbled in kick boxing (which i still love) through an intense week long training while i was on holiday with family, and then did a bit of karate, for which sadly i had not such a great experience with the instructor which made me distance myself from the sport. The instructor brought up a heavy personal life event during class and i broke down (what did she expect i was like 15 and that event was really hard). When my mom picked me up, she shook her head to her and said ‘girls...’ in a very demeaning way, as if me crying because she re-awoke trauma was a result of ‘feminine weakness.’ i have not forgiven that person for that comment yet. she shouldn’t be a teacher if she treats students like that in my opinion. High school was very competitive and intense so i focused on studying and didnt really do sports then.

In college I really want to do more martial arts, but the lack of proper clubs or instructors made it difficult. I then went to study abroad in seoul and thought to myself if i dont try tkd again in the literal birthplace of the sport what am i doing with my life. i had good experiences with classes at uni; the two masters i had had very different personalities (one was very outspoken and funny while the other.. you could FEEL the power of tkd when he touched your arm slightly to place it correctly sdhfskdj he was very nice though). I had to stop because i was focusing on my academic projects though. 

i then graduated and moved to the city, where finally there were plenty of martial arts opportunities! the first thing i did after moving to the city, even before moving into my apartment, was to visit my current dojang. i audited a class and in my head was like ’oh my god i MUST join them right now give me a dobok let’s GO’. I signed up for classes that day. The dojang master (my dad. my father, the love of my life (in the most platonic way)) was a seoulite (we bonded over that) and realized I hadn’t started my job yet so he gave me a discount, which i felt incredibly surprised by and grateful for. I started lessons the next day. at my dojang beginners usually get 3 private classes at the beginning to get the basics down before joining the group. after my first, the instructor said that i was probably ready to go with the group if i felt comfortable doing so bc i already had basics. i went every day until i moved into my apartment, when i had a mental and physical breakdown and got really sick for a week (like.. i dont remember feeling this weak and sick my entire life). 

But thankfully i got better and pushed myself to go to dojang again. and it was hard. it was the summer and i hadnt used my body really in years, if ever at that level of practice. three times a week as Difficult for me, physically. i remember being frustrated that my ego wasnt satisfied haha (i thought i remembered a lot more than i did). but i loved the instructors a ton and practice was a great safe space/stress relief for the other sht that was going on my my life. I do remember that i was ready to graduate from white belt and start feeling better about my moves by the end of that summer (i was pretty frustrated that i couldnt do higher level moves, though mostly at myself). 

i finally got yellow stripe and tkd things went uphill from then. i got to know ppl at my dojang better, started to go to practice more progressively. I got my yellow belt and decided then that i wanted tkd to always be in my life as much as possible. I started going to practice every day or almost every day. my tkd friendships were developing, there were small disagreements too but overall i fell more and more in love with my instructors, the dojang master (again, my dad) and the sport. we laughed so much, sweat so much, lived well.

after green stripe, my self consciousness during practice spiked a bit more than usual. this is probs bc my life outside of tkd was stressful and i was looking at my friend fellow tkd members who were higher level more. i wasnt jealous of them, far from it, i just felt small compared to what they were able to achieve and felt bad that the instructor had to stop to explain the technique to me Again. in case it wasn’t clear, i am no prodigy; i learn slowly and with long consistent practice. the two disagreements i had with my closest member friends (two separate very different reasons; we kept things civil on both sides but having to deal with that was a new experience for me so i wasnt great at it haha) didnt help my anxiety shut up during practice. i still kept at it. in january my school has an attendance challenge where you win prizes if you go every day or more than 20 days out of the month. I almost made it, but got really physically tired & kinda sick 3 days before then end of jan and had to miss one session. i was also mentally drained by life stuff so i decided to prioritize grad school applications and did less tkd in february. but that experience of going every damn day was so fun; i realized I needed to do this so much more. if there was a tkd seminar where they send you off somewhere to to tkd for like 3 months i would be down. that is when i realized my love for the sport, and the significant changes in my body that had been occurring over the past months really revealed themselves. i hear you thinking there’s no way i could fall more in love with my instructors but guess what... spending every day with them really made the love Explode dudes. In jan and fed i also really started loving sparring, even though im not great at it. 

and then... march came. i got lucky to have been able to celebrate my birthday a few days before they decided to close my state down. at first i was still able to go to my dojang with smaller classes and different format of classes that respected health guidelines, but eventually everything was moved online. during that week of limited classes, i got to hang out with friend members and instructors for what would be, unbeknownst to me, one of the last times. one night after (6 feet no contact) starring, me, 2 friend members who also went very frequently and an instructor had a beer on the mats just talking and chilling. we said that we would do it again the week after. and then the state decided to shut down small businesses. i was helping the dojang transfer their classes to an online format with another student for a week (we two were the members with the highest attendance in the recent times), but then the instructors decided they should not let students come in anymore. 

i was angry, i was sad, i was devastated. it was the sound solution to take and all these closings are essential and needed for public health safety, but emotionally i was not ready to let go of the dojang. i was angry at the circumstances for taking away the one thing that i truly loved and kept me going all those months of less than ideal job situation and lost of existential questions. the dojang had been my challenge, my rock, my family. i was especially angry because i had to mourn the loss of it a lot earlier than i wanted; i was already supposed to leave in june of this year. the closer june came the more teary eyed i got when i thought of leaving the dojang, but after the news i had to stop going now... i broke down. i cried so hard and loudly, alone in my room. i realize now it was the first time in my life that i cried because of love. pure, unaltered love. i thought to myself ‘how lucky is it that i felt this amount of love for something and some people’. ive moved a lot in my life but rarely felt sad when leaving a place; i often had made my goodbyes and knew it was just time to go. there were few or no things keeping me back, or i knew i would find those things somewhere else. it was also the first time i had let myself fall in love with something and people only for me. i love studying and learning for example, but when i started doing it it was mostly to make my mom and family happy, not for me. i didn’t feel like i had had a passion that i completely gave in into, a truly ‘me’ thing no one asked me or expected me to do but i just did not to have a better resume or be perceived better by society. until tkd.

now, i am still following online classes but mostly have my own training routine because it’s still hard to deal with the emotional stuff; i dont really do to live classes cause it hurts. it probably sounds strange but ive already done the emotional work of distancing myself to make the leaving less difficult. i also didnt really like the the idea of practicing in my room in front of the camera. seeing the other students on zoom would also make me feel v sad. im slowly getting out of that state of mind though and might start taking online classes again in a bit when i can’t do my regular training routine. im not sure when things will go back to normal but before i leave i will definitely send them gifts and goodbye messages, probably by mail. but yeah as of now i mostly follow my dojang’s videos, do my practice routine, and scroll through tkd tricking videos on instagram to keep motivated.

it’s kind of a sad note to end on but my tkd story does not end here. wherever im headed next I will find another dojang where i will continue to practice. i can only hope it is half as good as the family i found here. and of course now I have this blog! and will continue nerding out about kicking endlessly hahaha.

thanks for reading if you made it this far! you can ask me questions if you’d like! also tell me your tkd story!! its so cool to hear how life lead people to kicking.

[noiseartists]

Shoegaze, Dreampop And Nugaze: The Facebook Group

Shoegaze, Dreampop And Nugaze is a Facebook group created by Kevin Cleary. The group is arguably the biggest one on Facebook counting over 40 000 members. Noise Artists meets the moderators.

How long have you been and admin for this group?

Mark: I joined the group back in January 2019 and joined the admin team shortly after as a mod so i'm the new kid on the block.

Darren: For several years now. Too long to remember when it all started.

Kev: I created Shoegaze, Dreampop & Nugaze in 2009. My reasoning at the time was to find bands that kept the shoegaze candle burning (damn that sounds cheesy, lol). Acts such as Airiel, Ides of space, Resplandor, the Meeting Places, Astrobrite, Mystery Machine, etc.

Nico: I can’t remember, I got asked maybe a year and a half ago? What are the perks of being an admin?

Mark: Meeting all the cool bands and fans.

Darren: To be able give a platform for new bands to be heard and discovered by a new audience.

Kev: Over the years I've become a bit introverted, don't belong to a band and not hitting shows the way I once did (Dad life). The biggest perk is the music that I would never have discovered otherwise and the friendships that have developed. No gaze orgies, groupies, monetary benefit, drugs, etc. Maybe things would have been different if this was 1993, lol.

Nico: I guess, it’s like running a fanzine back in the days? it’s a lot of work for very little reward but you do it cause you like music more than anything else

What are the drawbacks of being and admin?

Mark: Dealing with disputes and arguments on the group. Why cant we all just get along people?

Darren: Having to moderate the troublemakers and haters.

Kev: "Why did you delete my Radiohead post?!Facist!!!!" It hasn't been all that easy and trust me, the page burns me out at times. Pet peeves include, getting tagged in a post bashing the group, reading a post from a FB friend, "sorry Kev, but the page....." A lot goes into running a page with over 45,000 members! Thank the Gods for the current (Darren, Mark & Nico) and past mods.

At some point we got in a war with WHIRR, which apparently wasn't the band but someone moderating their social media.

Oh shit, the whole Pranav Agrawal thing!

Where to even start with that one?! Pranav was a professional English swimmer, living in India with his boyfriend Matt. Yes. He was one of seven of us managing the page.

We were a tight bunch, often chatting several days a week. He was an integral part of the page, with great ideas and input. Things got weird when one of the mods forwarded a google image of a professional swimmer Daniel Goodfellow. Pranav had created this entire persona based on the swimmer! We called him out and poof, just like that, he was gone! Keyer Soze style.

Nico: Oh definitely the people with zero social skills and a lot of issues who are desperate for attention but know only how to seek it in negative ways. They clearly need to be educated but you can’t do that publicly because they want the attention so the only way to deal with them is to not give them any, delete, block, gone. Is there any perks? groupies? drugs? free music? 😉

Mark: The only "perk" i've had so far is some boudouir snaps of my fellow mod Nico Beatastic! I still havent slept since seeing them.

Darren: I occasionally get free music. People often reach out to me directly to share music that they feel I'll enjoy.

Kev: Ehhhh, not so much for a 46 year old married dad like me. The free music that group members send me! Ooooo, I listen to it all and totally appreciate it. Another perk is hearing or reading about the page in a positive light. Nico: the true perk is having Mark to send my boudoir pics to, I know he truly appreciates them.

What do you like best about the group?

Mark: The community spirit. The shoegaze community is incredibly tightknit and supportive.

Darren: Always being turned on to new music and forgotten treasures.

Kev: The music I've discovered and friendships that I've made over the last decade. Wow, talk about generic answers! There was a time when Darren, Rayanne, Greg, Romini, Liam, Pranav and I would drunk message for hours most every Friday/ Saturday. Mind you, we were all in different time zones. Those were fun times!

Nico: when shoegaze started it was called the scene that celebrates itself, people were supportive of each other, I think that’s mostly the case, also it’s never been about who’s got the biggest one (it’s Mark) , there’s no macho bullshit.

What do you like the least about the group?

Mark: The posts that begin, Its not shoegaze but.... or What is the most shoegaze <insert inanimate object here>. Wasn't funny the first time, not funny now. Stop it

Darren: Just because some music has elements of shoegaze or exists on its peripheral, doesn't make it shoegaze. It's hard to draw the line sometimes and that comes from someone who's been listening to this music for 30 years, let alone for people who are new to shoegaze.

Kev: Damn, if I let the cat out of the bag it will invite in hundreds of trolls! Like the teenage British invasion of 2015. Darren is the only mod who was around at that time and it SUCKED!! So my lips are sealed on this one.

Nico: the little wars, the negativity, the group is meant to post music you like, no diss music you hate. If you don’t have anything nice to say , don’t say anything.

If you could have anyone join the group, who would it be and why?

Mark: Kevin Shields of My Bloody Valentine for he is our lord and father. All hail the Kev!

Darren: Erik Blood. He's my favorite producer and has had a hand in recording/producing/creating/performing some of the best music from the Pacific Northwest for years.

Kev: We've had quite a few genre icons come and go throughout the years. Rachel and Emma were both members until they were called out in numerous posts. I was blown away when the lead of my favorite band joined several years ago!

Nico: I’d have my fave musician ever, Billy Corgan

Who should be an admin?

Mark: Elliott Frazer from Ringo Deathstarr as i inadvertantly removed him from the group. That would let him get his revenge on me.lol

Darren: Someone who loves music, music debate, and has an insatiable hunger to hear and discover new music.

Kev: Easy; Darren, Mark and Nico! Now i'm going to try and name everyone who has helped moderate the page over the years. Rayanne Die, Vic Winters, Dean Bromley, Steven Webb, Romini, Mike Contreras, Liam Doyle, Greg Wilson, Krissy Vanderwoude.

Nico: Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson, Nick Cave, Henry Rollins. You can’t mess with them and they’re good with words. I’d love to have The Rock turn his boot sideways and stick it someone’s arse when they make a homophobic/racist/rude/mean comment.

Who should never be an admin?

Mark: Anyone who posts Its not shoegaze but.... or Whats the most shoegaze <insert inamimate object here>.

Darren: Someone who is thin-skinned.

Kev: Anyone not ready to put time into building and maintaining. I'm grateful that we have a great team running the page now and for all of the past admins.

Nico: I agree with Darren.

What is the sweetest thing you've seen happen in the group?

Mark: I seen a member post that they had just had a bad break up with their partner and was looking for tunes to cheer them up. The comments below that post were 100% supportive and full of some of the best music. It was testament to the family vibe we are proud to have on the group.

Darren: I've seen small unknown bands and musicians grow into being leaders of the scene that celebrates itself.

Kev: Krissy Vanderwoude and Andy Jossi collaborating! Two phenomenal musicians. I also love seeing obscure, unknown bands grow in part due to this group.

Nico: I think each time anyone posts a band they like, it’s an act of communion with the world , we share what we want so we can improve other people’s lives and that my friends is what life should be about.

Have any couple met on the group and got married and have children?

Mark: i have no idea. One of the other more learned admin may know.

Darren: If so, send me pics of them making babies.

Kev: I haven't received any wedding invites. Not to say that it hasn't happened. A group member did create a Shoegaze romantic connection group.

Nico: Mark and I are expecting ;)

What is the best band you've discovered through the group?

Mark: That’s not fair. There’s too many AMAZING bands ive discovered via this group. If you absolutely forced me to name one id have to go with The Stargazer Lilies. Occabot blew my tiny mind.

Darren: Flyying Colours

Kev: Oooooh, a "best band?" As far as my personal favorite, I'd have to say Echodrone. Dean "Shoegaze" Bromley, one of the original page members/ past admin, turned me onto them. There are SO many greats that I never would have heard of if it wasn't for SGDPNG!!!

Nico: that Russian shoegaze scene is pretty cool. Maybe Pinkshinyultrablast ?

How did it get so big? (the group Mark, the group!

Mark: We have an open door policy and we get a lot of people inviting friends. We also have a lot of members who are in bands. It means they can interact with our members directly which is a huge thing for fans.

Darren: People love shoegaze and want a place to share and learn more about it.

Kev: Be careful of what you wish for!! There were waves of growth starting with the MBV/ Slowdive/ Lush reunions. Then there was the whole "bro gaze" movement, not the happiest of times on the page.

Nico: The big 3 coming back , the old school gazers have older kids now so more time on their hands and the brogazers. I went to see Slowdive a couple of years ago and the audience was clearly 14 to 60, lots of kids. The Rachel look is quite iconic, it appeals to a lot of young women.

Have you ever thought of making tshirts? mugs? merch?

Mark: I’d love that. We did that in another group i admin. See what King Kev Cleary has to say. He's the boss!

Darren: I would love if one day we could release music by some of the bands that we discover in the group.

Kev: A few years back I created a website with the intent of doing just that. Never materialized. I remember what Greg Wilson, one time page mod, went through getting DKFM to where it is today. Don't have that sort of time to dedicate.

Nico: it’s all very doable, especially a compilation series, that would be fairly easy.

[theonemusicmaniac]

Yo,yo,yo, tell us some of your fave musicians/bands? : o

Oh my gosh, of course I’d love to talk about that!!!!!!!

I’m gonna preface first & foremost by saying that I AM a music major & have been exposed to all kinds of music, so you’re probably gonna get a LOT of answers from me!! I’m also gonna put this under a read more cuz I am a crazy child who can’t shut up!!! Anyways, here we go!!

So as a musician, I actually started off playing the Alto Saxophone. That being said, my biggest jazz inspirations are probably Charlie Parker (my MOST fave saxophonist tbh I studied all his music!!), Cannonball Adderly, John Coltrane, Miles Davis, Dizzy Gillespie, & Herbie Hancock!! And my favorite thing about Herbie Hancock (other than the fact that he’s still alive & bumpin’) is that he is one of the biggest successful names who also practices the same sect of Buddhism I’m involved with, & that’s Nichiren Buddhism. Hancock is evidence of our buddhist practice because he chants Nam-Myoho-Renge-Kyo (loosely translates to “devotion to the Mystic Law of cause & effect thru sound”). So why is that important? We believe that if you chant NMRK & also put your thoughts into action, then you will receive immense benefit. The point of our practice is that we believe anyone can become happy thru chanting, & our goal is that if we can make everyone know happiness, then the world will know peace. ANYWAYS, back to music, that’s just my jazz answer!!

I’ve also had to study a lot of classical music growing up, & I must say that I’m most fond of Romantic Era & 20th century classical music. Tchaikovsky, Chopin, Brahms, & Liszt are some of my faves from Romantic Era. Stravinsky, Schoenburg, Copland, & Ives are some pretty incredible 20th century classical composers as well.

GROWING UP, I started off as a lil bop/top hits child because, yknow, parents will only make you listen to what they deem appropriate, but as I became exposed & learned more, I actually became a lil rocker child like my dad!! Dad exposed me to Led Zeppelin, Queen, AC/DC, Kiss, all the classic rock shit. This was also around the time that the one Jack Black movie came out (School of Rock I think it’s called). So I eventually began exploring rock music within my own generation (which there are TOO many bands that I like to even list off).

My biggest inspirations from middle school (and still to-date) are Alkaline Trio & 65daysofstatic. These two band saved my life when I thought I was down at my worst back when I was suicidal.

Going into high school, I was still the rocker child, but I think 65daysofstatic exposed me to start listening to more electronic stuff. Not necessarily dubstep bc dubstep didn’t become really big until just about when I graduated high school, but like. Stuff like Armin Van Buuren. Trance stuff. I thought it was super cool. And honestly, my favorite thing about seeing dubstep thriving into fruition was that I felt like a saw new generation of music being born. I couldn’t help but wonder, “Is this what it was like when rock was born? Was this what it was like when jazz rose within America?” It was SO cool!! Even though I’m still a lil rock child, I have so much love, appreciation, & respect for electronic music, & would definitely incorporate it into my own compositions (but since I don’t have a band rn, as you can see, electronic is all I make for now).

I would say my top 4 biggest inspirations to-date are In This Moment, Motionless In White, New Years Day, & William Control. & I can break this down easily:

1) In This Moment

In This Moment is SOOOOOOO important to me!!!! Gosh I almost don’t know where to start!!!!! I remember the first time I heard them was actually on MTV back when Headbangers Ball was big, & “Beautiful Tragedy” was like, their new biggest hit! I DIED when Maria Brink collaborated with Chris Motionless to make the music video for “Whore!” But most importantly, “The Fighter” was my motherfucking anthem after my ex & I broke up last year, & ESPECIALLY when I was sexually assaulted five days after. “I will not hide my face, I will not fall from grace, I’ll walk into the fire baby. All my life I was afraid to die, but now I come alive inside these flames.” The other thing is that Maria inspires me SO MUCH from a lyrical/compositional aspect cuz like (& I know I said I’m Buddhist from a philosphical standpoint), I also consider myself a witch, & Maria has a very enchanting witch aesthetic, & ALL of her music is written to have these really heavy messages with grand morals & such, so I see bits of both my buddhism & my witchcraft thru their music! I’m gonna be seeing them live for the first time in April and ASDIFHAOIJGPOWJGE I am so excited!!!!

2) Motionless In White

WowowowowowowoWOW where do I begin again!! I know people make fun of old MIW since it was basically only screamo/edgelord stuff, but I used to LOVE that shit once upon a time, and tbh, I think MIW is the only band of its original genre to actually become successful in obtaining that Halloween/goth/nu-goth aesthetic (which is exactly why I LOVE IT), I admire Chris for his “idgaf” attitude & for the depth in which he writes his music. MIW is obviously a very political & socially aware band, but they also take time to write very personal music too. I think the Graveyard Shift album was VERY personal, given that 570 & Hourglass were their favorite songs to make & they had such deep messages about their own journey as musicians. I’ve had the pleasure to meet this band twice, & the second time I think I left a good impression! I gave everyone in the band & their girlfriends (bc I’m such a barista) Starbucks gift cards, & they were all very nice & thankful!! I think Chris also remembers me as the one who asks really heavy music-related questions at VIPs cuz like, the first time I met them I was like, “What advice do you have for musicians like me who want to do what you do??” & the 2nd time I met them, I had a question regarding composing music. Nicest band, 10/10, & if you’re going to the final Vans Warped Tour show, you should definitely go support them because they’re on the lineup!!! (Not important info, but they also featured Maria Brink in their song “Contemptress” off the Reincarnate album, & I think that’s amazing that they team up so well)

3) New Years Day

MY BABYGIRL ASH IS SO GOOD SHE JUST GOT ENGAGED OMG I AM SO HAPPY FOR HER!!! Anyways, NYD is another REALLY nice band, & much like ITM & MIW, they carry both the witchy aesthetic (since Ash is an open witch), & they also have a bit of a Halloweenish vibe to them in their own sense (but not in the same way MIW does). I think, if you’re not big on the heavy music ITM & MIW make, NYD is a PERFECT recommendation because it’s still dark-themed music, but especially vocally speaking, it’s much “easier” on the ears (I love all of this kind of music, but this is also what people in my close circle also tell me cuz not all my friends like my music). I’ve only met this band once, but I’ve also had SO many incredible interactions with them! I met them for the first time at Vans Warped Tour last year, & it was exactly one month after I was assaulted. I didn’t feel all that great that day (partly cuz I was going to VWT by myself & I hate going alone to concerts), but Ash Costello called me beautiful when I felt my ugliest. And that’s when I realized, “Fuck if my idols can see my own worth & beauty when I can’t, the who the fuck am I!?!?” I also got to experience music lessons with both Nikki Misery & Jeremy Valentyne (just before Jeremy left the band) & they’re both very cool people! I’ve also supported Ash’s now-fiance as a musician by donating to his GoFundMe when he was doing presales on his very first EP (I think I was one of his top highest donators??) & I also made a purchase off of Ash’s DEPOP once, & she actually sent me Christmas/New Years thank you letter & some polaroid photos of herself and I???? Cried??? New Years Day is one of the few bands that I actually genuinely actively see interacting with their fanbase & loving their fans as much they do, they’re so GREAT. If you get into them & interact with their social media or go see them live, they’ll love you up to bits & pieces, they’re so sweet. I want to be as humble as them if I ever make it big.

4) William Control

A god amongst kings... My love & appreciation for this man runs so deep & knows no boundaries. I grew up on Aiden in both middle & high school, but when I learned about how the industry fucked with Aiden as a band, not only did I support Will’s transition from the punk/goth Aiden to his now electro-synth Control morally speaking, but I was actually surprised to find that I actually genuinely really LIKED his electro stuff more than his rock stuff! You can almost tell he’s going forcibly high in Aiden, like he’s straining his voice so much to get that right tone (even though he KILLS IT cuz he’s a MONSTER). But Will’s openly said before that the transition to William Control has helped him vocally because now he sings in a much more comfortable range. He also exudes an aesthetic that I wish I could obtain within the music industry?? Like, his music is sexually themed, but he’s not inadvertently SEXUALIZED. That’s how I WANT to be. I want to make music that can have sexual themes, but without actually sexualizing MYSELF. He’s also really open about being in the BDSM community, & most of his merch is based off of BDSM like his “Fuck Christian Grey” t-shirts (I think he even has his own branded butt plugs?? bless him). He has been able to transform his life so much that he went from “broke-but-famous” Aiden, to “I own my own record studio now & I’m the boss now” William Control. He actually technically retired as a musician (he’s stated that he hates touring & knowing that his son could grow up without him, so he wants to take time to focus on his family), but he’s still the manager of his very own Control Records. Because I don’t see myself forming a band anytime soon, it’s actually one of my goals to apply for Control Records as an electronic musician.

As for what I’m listening to right now (I don’t condone smoking, but if you do smoke, smoke weed), I sometimes listen to stoner shit cuz I do get high with my friends recreationally, & I do genuinely need weed to help me cope with my anxiety & depression, & my IRL friend @spectra-indica recommended CloZee to me & I can’t stop listening to it!! It’s both organic & electronic in it’s own fascinating way, & one point I got so high & connected so deeply with CloZee’s music that I almost started crying.

And yeah, those are my top faves by far!!! I wish I could list more, but then it’ll get too long aaaaaah ;A;