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pellicano-sanguino · 6 years

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I was recently made aware of the fact that there's a freaking Dragonlance musical (yes, made all the way back in 2014, I'm late on the news). It's uploaded to Youtube in full (according to them, it's uploaded with the permission of the creators) and with subtitles (it's a Russian production).

I went in expecting it to be just as badly made and cringeworthy as the animated movie, and I was motivated to watch it purely by nostalgic feelings about the books (they were the first fantasy books I read) and general interest in musical theater. But turns out I... actually liked it??? Not in a so-bad-it's-good kind of way, I genuinely found it enjoyable. What an unexpected turn of events.

Heh. Quality subtitles.

Disclaimer: It's been ages since read the books, so if I remember something wrong, feel free to correct me.

Now, this is not the next Phantom or Elisabeth or anything like that. This seems to be a rather small production. The props and effect are minimalistic and cheap, looking more like a bunch of larpers than actors (not saying larpers can't have great props, I used to larp myself when I was younger). The singing carries the story, there is very little spoken dialogue and the actors don't dance. We do get a bunch of background dancers, who at first seem really out of place crawling on the floor while the main actors just stand there and sing.

I'm also going to point out that the Dragonlance books are not the easiest or most obvious choice for a story to be adapted into a musical. These books have long, complicated plots that often arch over several books and have a whole bunch of characters. Also, being able to open the vast world and history of Krynn to an audience who may not have read a single book is challenging. Not gonna lie, I am unsure how much someone without any prior knowledge of the series will get out of this show. They do plot explaining surprisingly well but there are plenty of times where you're going to be a bit confused if you don't know the backstory.

The musical's name is The Last Trial, and it's (somewhat loosely) based on the Legends-series, describing the rise and fall of the dark wizard Raistlin Majere, who is probably the most popular Dragonlance character ever. Well, it's a wise choice, since you can tell this story with a slightly smaller cast and don't have to prop dragons. However, I question one thing. You're really going to make a musical about Raistlin? One of his trademark characteristics is his failing health, his violent, chronic cough, resulting in a creepy, raspy voice. And this is the guy you're gonna make sing.

More quality subtitles.

Oh yeah, and another thing I'm going to have to question. Are we really making this a love story? I mean, yeah, I get that all that happens between Raistlin and Crysania does also happen in the books, but I never saw any kind of romance between them. All I saw was a heartless bastard manipulating the feelings of a sensitive and naive woman. The impression I got of Raistlin from the books was a person who's asexual, aromantic and hates everyone (and who's not handsome by any standards, but rather creepy looking, especially his eyes). Not a romantic hero at all. But hey, I can kinda understand the appeal (after all, I do like such musicals as Phantom and Elisabeth, so I can totally see why a cruel and cold character gets all the fangirls; everybody likes bad boys).

The musical opens with a short introduction of this story's Greek Choir-character, Astinus. Astinus is tasked with recording the history of Krynn so he makes a good plot exposition role. I recall there being some hints that he might not be fully mortal. After the intro, stage lights reveal a violin player, who begins to play the musical's theme. The violin player stands out a little, since she's wearing modern clothes despite the story being set in a medieval-ish world. But I got to admit, the music is very, very nice, with a rather calm melody that fits the setting of a magical world of fantasy very well. This could easily be soundtrack for a fantasy movie. The beautiful music is what made me like this show.

Speaking of music, it's time for the main character to deliver the show's first song. Despite rolling my eyes at the thought of Raistlin singing with his ruined voice earlier, I have to admit, they chose the actor really well. There are at least two castings (maybe even more) of this show, and the one I saw, had Evgeny Ergorov playing Raistlin. His voice is very pleasant to listen and it carries hints of ambition, arrogance and of a powerful will that is calm and calculating but under its seeming calmness also very dangerous. I am surprised how quickly I accepted the fact that Raistlin can sing and that instead of having a voice that mirrors his suffering he has a voice that mirrors his might. The lyrics being in Russian helps, being sung in a language I don't speak a word of makes everything sound more magical and poetic. There is certain lyrical beauty to Russian and it fits the songs perfectly (obviously, since the songs were written to be sang in this language).

If we handwave the fact that Evgeny is way too pretty to be playing Raistlin (I'm presuming he's not that bad looking by het standards here, as a lesbian I'm not really the person to be judging male beauty), he looks the part and gets nicely into character. He has Raistlin's prematurely grayed hair, black robes and the staff with a glowing gem held by dragon claws. The musical goes out of its way to disrobe him, though, probably as a fanservice thing (robes really don't let you see his body well...). In the books I don't recall him ever wearing anything else, the mages in Dragonlance wore their robes everywhere like uniforms. Oh well, if wizards can prance around in muggle clothes in the Harry Potter movies, we can do the same here.

Evgeny has a rather strong stage presence. His eyes, while not as creepy as in the books, cast a very cold and powerful gaze, judging everything with distaste and cynicism but never underestimating anything in his arrogance. This Raistlin is full of pride but not blinded or hindered by it. The only trademark part of his character that I consider to be missing is his failing physical health, that creates an opposite to his powerful mind and allows him to manipulate people by using the compassion they feel when seeing a sick, suffering man. Many more prideful men would be insulted when offered help and proclaim that they can take care of themself, but Raistlin never does this; he relies on the help of others whenever it's convenient and never considers such a thing to be below the world's greatest wizard.

Astinus appears again and explains the next song number to the audience. In the war preceding the events in this show, Raistlin fought with a bunch of other heroes to defeat a dark dragon goddess called Takhisis, the primordial source of evil in the Dragonlance pantheon of gods. According to the musical, Raistlin's role was to work as a double agent – he swore an oath to Takhisis and became her servant only to stab her in the back so she could be sealed away in Abyss. It's been ages since I read the books, so I can't tell if this is how it really went. My faint memories claim it wasn't quite like that, but this is what the musical tells us so let's just go with it. Takhisis, the highest ranking of all the evil gods, is trapped in Abyss, but she still plots her escape and bears grudge to Raistlin. She can't enter the world of mortals in the waking world, but she can appear in their dreams.

Like evil, Takhisis takes many faces aside from her iconic multiheaded dragon queen form. She invades Raistlin's dreams in the form of the Dark Lady and torments him with nightmares and ominous predictions that he'll one day be her servant again and open the gate of her prison. In this version, Takhisis is played by Vera Zoodena. And wow. Just... wow.

Her Dark Majesty can easily be interpreted as a kinda succubus-like, sexy and seductive femme fatale (because god forbid we have evil female characters who aren't overly sexualized...). This kind of role is very easy to overdo and instead of intimidating and charismatic turn out to be just... cheesy and slutty. But Vera Zoodena knows that a revealing outfit and sexy posing isn't all you need for a powerful female villain. Yes, she is very much directed as seductive, but instead of making me feel like someone made her wear that costume and ordered her to pose like that, I feel that she is in complete control of everything. Vera's stage presence is amazing. Femme fatales rarely have any effect on me (well, they are usually geared towards a male audience anyway) but this Takhisis makes chills run down my spine when she sings. Her voice is so haunting and sexy, I can feel her fingers tipped with deadly claws menacingly caress my skin by just listening to it. (I'm sorry. I promise to keep the TMI to a minimum. But I'm totally hot and bothered for Takhisis.).

Raistlin's nightmares are interrupted by his twinbrother Caramon, who intuitively knows his brother is suffering and rushes to wake him up. Raistlin thanks Caramon for driving away the unwanted dreams, but remains distant. Caramon then begins to sing, advising Raistlin to give up his ambitious plan, which he now reveals to the audience; Raistlin intends to descend into Abyss and challenge Takhisis, ascending to godhood himself if he manages to defeat the goddess. We have fought our wars, says Caramon, the Dark Lady is safely locked away in Abyss and the world needs heroes no more. Well, that's easy for you to say, you're not the one getting your dreams invaded.

Let's talk about Caramon a little. He is supposed to be the opposite of his twin; physically strong but mentally not the brightest, a handsome fellow with a big heart that overflows with kindness towards his friends and family. No ambition, no selfish arrogance guiding his actions, all he longs for is a simple, comfortable life and he cares deeply about the wellbeing of his loved ones. Compare that to Raistlin, who cares not about the feelings of others, uses people as stepping stones to reach his own selfish goals and in his pride desires always more power; when he has become the most powerful wizard in the mortal world even that is not enough, he needs to challenge the gods.

While I do think the actors in this musical do a pretty decent job mostly, I have to say I'm a little disappointed in Andrei Loboshov playing Caramon. His acting is a bit wooden occasionally and he comes off as comically dumb sometimes (I mean yeah, Caramon wasn't the sharpest sword in the weapon rack but still). Also his voice is kinda mediocre compared to others. This is Caramon, he is supposed to be charming and lovable. And handsome. Again, I know I'm not the right person to judge male beauty, but compare this guy to the one playing Raistlin (who is supposed to be the ugly twin). Like, come on.

Raistlin refuses Caramon's offer of simple living. He points out that as a creepy weirdo he will never belong anywhere and will never be as accepted by others like someone normal like Caramon is. He is determined to seek godhood, and abandons his brother's company while making plans how to reach his ambitious goal. He receives a letter that informs him that a priestess of Paladine (the highest ranking of the good gods, adversary of Takhisis) called Crysania seeks to meet him. Fate seems to smile upon the dark wizard, for a priestess of Paladine is exactly what he needs for his plan...

So. Crysania. I have... mixed feelings about this character. On one hand, I admire the sincerety of her character, her genuine kindness (she is the priestess of the greatest of the good gods after all) and her determination to attempt to do the right thing. And yet she is doomed to betray her god out of her love for a heartless man. Stories about a pure maiden who falls in love with a cursed prince are numerous and the appeal of such stories is clear. However, Beauty and the Beast this is not. My main problem with Crysania is this: I fucking feel bad for what happens to her! She is dumb and naive and thoroughly amai and a very good example of what happens when a woman tries to ”cure” or ”save” a cruel man. It's not even her own fault because Raistlin manipulates the fuck out of her (and even if it were purely because of her own stupidity, victim blaming is bullshit so there!). I just want to rush in there and swoop her in my arms and give Raistlin the middlefinger like NO, you do not deserve the love of this woman, you do not get to use her for your ridiculous ego-inflating power fantasy plans, farewell and up yours!

When I read the books, I imagined Crysania looking unearthily beautiful, like a Greek statue come to life, and having an aura of holiness and piety in her voice. Here she is played by Elena Minina and damn, she is amazing. I don't know how they managed to find someone who so much resembles the official artwork of the character. I find her beauty stunning (just my opinion, there are probably a ton of people who consider her mediocre) and her voice is incredible. It's so clear, like the singing of birds and the sounds of running water on a stream, like silver bells tied to a dancer's ankle. I don't know how to describe it. I know nothing of opera or other top quality singing but I could easily imagine Elena being a truly professional singer. And this is really what made me fall in love with this show; the songs and the amazing singers delivering them.

Raistlin and Crysania meet in the city of Palanthas and have a little talk. Crysania reveals to the black mage that her god Paladine is aware of his plans and does not approve. She attempts to convince him to abandon his plan, not just for the good of mankind and the cosmic balance (the proper balance of good and evil is very important in Dragonlance pantheon) but for his own sake. Repent before it's too late and save yourself! Knowing that this is a chess piece he very much needs, Raistlin immediately goes into manipulation mode and starts to suggest things to Crysania. Oh, you came to me just as a messenger of your god? What if I told you he sent you to me for different reasons – to help me. He proceeds to flatter Crysania, praising her faith and purity (maybe to suggest that someone like her couldn't commit anything unholy, and thus can help him without fear of angering her god) and plants the idea to her head that light and dark mages aren't so black and white, and that sometimes dark magic is necessary to reach a noble cause.

Crysania listens and admits that Raistlin makes many good points but still she advises him to give up his plan. At this moment Raistlin has a coughing fit (the only time we see the fragility of his body in the musical) and Crysania's heart is immediately melted by compassion and she offers her help (as a priestess of Paladine she has healing powers). Raistlin accepts her healing magic but refuses her plea to bring him to the temple to be treated properly there, since even Paladine's clerics can't cure the curse that ruined his body. But appealing to her compassion works for his advantage, as did letting her get close and touch him (it's like he knows she's going to fall in love with him and attempts to bond with her to make it happen.). He insists on leaving but invites Crysania to meet him at the Tower of High Sorcery if she wants to speak with him more. Once she's alone, Crysania sings about how she understands that her fate is tied to this mysterious man who she used to think of as an enemy but is fast growing more fond and respecting of. She feels sorry for him and wants to save him so badly. Let the fire burn my hands, I will endure it or die trying. Meanwhile, I'm here whispering ”don't do it” under my breath. This is a very pretty song.

Astinus steps once more on stage. Crysania asks him how does Raistlin think he can break open the gate of Abyss. Astinus reveals that the gates of Abyss were locked so that they could only be opened by a black mage and a light priest working together (which the gods thought would be unthinkable, apparently, since that would be bringing together two sworn enemies). Crysania understands now what Raistlin had in mind for her. So, he thinks I'm going to be his key. Despite knowing this, she still wants to see him to learn more and asks how to find her way to the Tower of High Sorcery. Astinus tells her that the road there goes through the Grove of the Dead, making it a very perilous journey. Crysania considers this a test of courage set upon her by Raistlin and declares that she will go there.

Next we visit a charming little place called the Inn of the Last Home. The inn is run by Tika, Caramon's wife and she merrily spends time with the customers who sing and dance the night away. Tika is played by Irina Kruglova and it's a shame she has such a small role, since she has a lovely voice.

Back during the war Tika was one of the heroes and fought just as well as everyone else, but now has settled down since just like Caramon she longed for a peaceful, adventure-free life.

When I saw this character, I got worried. It looks like it might be a kender. Good grief, the goddamn kender are the worst thing Dragonlance universe came up with. * shudders* Back in my larp days there was a universally known unwritten rule among gamemasters: no more than one kender per ten other characters. Everyone obeyed this rule and good for them. I never got to play one, but a friend of mine did. She crawled under the tables and stole everyone's shoelaces.

The joyful tune is disturbed when Crysania comes in and asks if anyone can show her to the Grove of the Dead. Tika tries to convince her not to seek the Grove, explaining that wizards enchanted the forest so that non-magic users couldn't find a way to their tower.

The guests agree with Tika, no one knows what the Grove hides, for the Grove never returns its dead. Crysania is still determined, if no one comes to be her guide, she goes alone. The guests and Tika then come up with an idea to have Caramon go along to keep her safe. No one else dares to go there, but Caramon is a true war hero.

Unfortunately this is the exact moment Caramon enters the inn, drunk as a lord and holding a letter he wrote to Raistlin. Look, Raistlin sent my letter back unopened, and even wrote on top of it ”I have no brother.” The separation of the twins was hard for Caramon and he started to drink his depression away, becoming less like a hero and more like pathetic drunk every day. He sings a sad, drunken, wailing song about how this letter hurt him so deeply.

They are stealing his axe - they are kender! Out! Throw them out!

Crysania rolls eyes at such a guardian, baffled that the intelligent and well mannered Raistlin could have such a disgraceful twin and she goes forth on her own. Tika then shames Caramon for being such a wreck and giving everything up so easily like the opposite of Rick Astley and sends him after the priestess. Your brother messed with her head, now it's your job to get her back safely! Reluctantly Caramon goes, not thrilled to be back on the adventuring business.

The background dancers felt out of place earlier, but in the Grove of the Dead they fit in perfectly, creating an ominous atmosphere. These living shadows creep up to Crysania, who faces them without fear and sends them back with the power of faith. She's prevented from proceeding any further when she comes face to face with an undead warrior named Lord Soth.

In the books, the death knight was sent to assassinate Crysania by Raistlin's sister Kitiara, to prevent the opening of the gates of Abyss. Lord Soth failed in his attempt, Crysania didn't die but she was wounded. Kitiara doesn't appear in this musical, and we don't actually see Lord Soth wounding Crysania. Instead he just poses dramatically and seems to scare Crysania and Caramon from approaching the Tower. He and the rest of the shadows are sent away by Raistlin, who appears to sing a new song.

The song is all about how names have power. It's a very fitting song for a mage, but kinda out of place. I guess it implies that by the power of knowing the name and origin of the creatures of the Grove he can send them away and allow the travellers to reach the Tower. But it looks like he's singing it to Crysania, which makes no sense. Also, what is he doing there? He should be far gone by now, time travelling to the past (yes, this story involves time travelling, a kind of magic that I've always thought way too powerful to exist, since if you have the power to go back in time, wouldn't you be able to keep trying a thing over and over again until you reach a timeline where you're successful? Way too convenient for my taste in magic.).

In the Tower of High Sorcery the Conclave of Mages is holding a meeting re: what to do with Raistlin. There are the white robed light mages and the black robed dark mages, but where are the neutral red ones? Balance of power is important in Dragonlance lore, and besides the forces of good and evil there existed the middle path that was kinda allowed to do whatever they wanted because they held loyalty to neither side. They could have easily put some red mages in the background here, so I wonder why they didn't (local prop department only had white and black robes?).

The conclave calls forth Dalamar, an elf who was spying Raistlin for the Conclave while being his apprentice in dark sorcery. Dalamar reveals all that he knows of Raistlin's plans; that his teacher has time travelled to the city of Istar to look for the gate to Abyss and to learn from another dark wizard who lived there at the time. By doing so Raistlin has apparently broken some union laws the Conclave held and they are disgusted with this (I told you time travelling should be banned!). But then they decide to send Crysania back in time to Istar too, for whatever reason. In the book it was because she was injured and needed a level of healing only the clerics of Paladine back in Istar's days of greatness could offer. But here it's a bit unclear, since we don't see Crysania get wounded and the Conclave never mentions any reasons behind their decision to send her time travelling. Maybe they were just as naive as her and thought she could stop him. Crysania tells them she intends to prevent Raistlin from opening the gates of Abyss and they just... seem to go with it.

Dalamar and Par-Salian (leader of the Conclave) high five at their decision. Classy wizards are these.

One nice detail they kept are Dalamar's scars. You can see them on his chest. Raistlin wasn't born yesterday, he knew damn well that Dalamar was spying him and to show him that he knows, he burned the elf's chest with his fingertips like branding a calf. Just so you know, I'm on to your scheme and could dispose of you any time I want, I just don't think of you as a threat and don't care if the Conclave finds out because they won't be able to stop me. In the books Dalamar had a bizarre habit of flashing his scars to people. Look at what he did to me! No, stop, put your robes back on, nobody wants to see that, you kinky biscuit!

While the background people are working on propping Istar (mainly just covering everything in white), Dalamar sings a short song that reveals that he actually sends Crysania back in time because he is loyal to his teacher. Whatever you say, Dalamar. Whatever. Anyway, we have travelled back in time to Istar now. Everything and everyone is white and shiny and full of faith. Crysania is awestuck at the beauty of the city and the grandness of faith. Istar is a theocratic city state, and we also meet the guy who runs the city, known as the Kingpriest.

Good god, Alexi Tolstorkorov who plays the Kingpriest has the perfect voice for the role. It's a powerful, booming and majestic voice, making him sound like a charismatic cult leader when he preaches his truth. His voice demands respect and acknowledgment of his authority. Alexi is also rather tall, which makes him look properly intimidating. And considering they probably didn't have much of a budget, they propped him rather decently. Very good Kingpriest, 10/10.

Kingpriest. Dude. You’re saying that to a blind person!

Crysania finds Raistlin among the crowd (disguised as a cleric, because he's smart enough not to prance around in his black robes here) and informs him that Caramon got sent back with her as well but they got separated in the crowd. Raistlin didn't expect his brother to join Crysania in her attempt to stop him, but accepts this new turn of events and is already figuring out how to use it to his advantage. Raistlin tells her that he has already located the gates of Abyss here and soon they will open them together. I was expecting Crysania to tell him she has no such intentions, but here she just seems to... be too distracted by Wow such great city! Very pure! Much faith! Which is... awkward. Because this is fucking Istar, in the past. Crysania should know what happens to this city. Like, did they not teach history in whatever school priests of Paladine go to? Apparently they did not and it is up to Raistlin to open Crysania's eyes and reveal the ugly truth to the audience.

Raistlin sings a song about the corruption of Istar, how the priests are drunk with power and use it in manners that should be blasphemous to do in the name of good gods. Not only is magic and the worship of evil and neutral gods forbidden, some of the good gods are banned too and there's racism (I wholeheartedly cheer at the guards jailing kender, though.) and all other disgusting misuses of religion as justification for evil. The city if full of narcisstic men who put their own words in the mouth of god and present it as truth. It's interesting that Weis and Hickman came up with Istar, since Hickman is a devout mormon, so you'd think he's not the kind of person to present a theocracy as a corrupt cult. Anyway, Raistlin uses this moment to again cultivate in Crysania the belief that light and dark are not the same as good and evil. If priests of Paladine can be capable of such wickedness, then logic follows that a black mage can seek a noble cause. Maybe I'm not your enemy, aren't the ones who betrayed your god while claiming to serve him much more deserving to be your enemies? I only seek to rid the world of the source of all evil, while they seek to tear the whole world apart in their crusade against even the smallest shadow.

And then Crysania goes and confronts her fellow priests and the Kingpriest himself like the dumb shit she is, accusing them of their false faith and questioning their authority. Like good grief Crys, how fucking amai can you be?! Did you really think that one woman marching in front of a cultist leader and his brainwashed minions could make them see the light and better their ways by just shaming them? Like oh no, she is giving us the shounen anime protagonist Convincing Shouting treatment and telling us to give up our corrupt religion that benefits us greatly, whatever shall we do? Tell her she's right and that we are ashamed of ourselves for not noticing earlier? Or how about... we just burn her at the stake for heresy?

Seriously Crysania, did you stop for two seconds to consider what could go wrong with your master plan? Anyway, it's a very nice song between Crysania and the Kingpriest. It also shows Crysania's budding doubts about her faith. She is disgusted that she had to have this revealed to her by an enemy, that her brothers and sisters who she is supposed to trust were holding an ugly secret from her.

So, Crysania is held captive at the temple for heresy. Raistlin doesn't seem particularly concerned with this. Having Crysania doubt her faith works for his plan. Caramon gets imprisoned too, after asking people if they've seen his brother, who's a mage. Use of magic being forbidden, even family members of mages get thrown in jail. There Caramon sings a song how he trusts that his brother will soon come save him. It's sad to see Caramon projecting his own family loyalty to his brother who has never helped anyone if it wasn't relevant to his interests. You poor man, still blind to the truth that your brother can't be redeemed.

In the book Caramon was made to fight in a gladiator arena with other prisoners. This musical also makes him fight, but frames it differently. Here the Kingpriest arranges the fights to find the best warrior to be the Chosen One to deliver world of evil or something along those lines. Disguised as a cleric Raistlin declares Caramon as a volunteer to fight. He is brought to the arena but refuses to pick up his sword, because it's one thing to fight in a war and for self defence but this is just slaughter for the amusement of others and he wants nothing to do with it.

I like how when Caramon refuses to fight, his opponent strikes this seductive pose. Fight me, my love, you know you want to...

The Kingpriest is not pleased for Caramon's refusal. Raistlin explains to him that the man is an honorable knight (yeah sure) who cares not for his own life but will defend the life of another. He suggests that they bring Crysania to the arena. The Kingpriest agrees to this, and Caramon immediately picks up his sword to protect the lady. The fight is fierce and has surprisingly many real swordplay techniques used (I usually expect very little realism from stage swordfights). Yes there's still lots of unreasonable things like turning your back to your enemy and coming way too close during the close combat (you come to a distance I can punch you, you will get pommel to the face) but this is still one of the best stage swordfights I've seen. It's also unusually fast, more often stage fencing uses slower, wider strikes to make it easier to follow the fight. Here, I noticed many of the techniques used only when I was taking screenshots, they happen so fast.

I didn’t even notice this block by grabbing blade at first viewing.

Oh, this looks like a throw! Are they really going to do a throw?

Apparently yes.

I have to tip my hat to the guy who plays Purple Fake Dreads here. He is agile!

He is fierce!

He is bouncy!

Fly away, Purple Fake Dreads!

I especially like the move where he places his foot on Caramon's leg and steps up on it to kick him in the groin.

Go, go, Purple Fake Dreads!

Caramon, who fought more carefully and defensively than his aggressive and impatient opponent, wins the fight, and the Kingpriest grants him and Crysania their freedom as a reward. The citizens of Istar then begin a mass with the Kingpriest, and the chanting gets more and more ominous until everything goes red. The event known as Cataclysm happens.

Angered by the corruption and arrogance of the Kingpriest, the gods threw a fiery mountain down on Istar, sinking the city to the bottom of the sea, changing the landscape and geography of Krynn permanently. Raistlin, Caramon and Crysania escape the divine wrath by time travelling again, to a timeline little after the Cataclysm. This they do offscreen.

Having witnessed the destruction of Istar, Crysania grieves for the innocent lives struck down for the crimes of a few. Her faith weakens once more. Her god doesn't answer to her call, so Raistlin asks her to follow him, which she does. After all, he is the one who showed her the truth and hasn't lied to her, and for that she respects him. She still believes that her fate is tied to the dark wizard, but she is beginning to doubt if her role ever was to help him see the light and not the other way around.

Istar being at the bottom of the sea now, Raistlin can no longer use the gates in there, much to his annoyance. However, there is a second Gate hidden in Zhaman fortress, in a well guarded dwarf kingdom. The black mage needs to find a way to get inside, and simple knowledge of history tells him how to do it.

Caramon comes to his brother, demanding to know why he betrayed him and made him fight in the arena instead of helping him escape. After listening to this for a while, Raistlin tells him that he's being an idiot; arranging for him to get chosen to fight in the arena was his plan to get him out from jail. You got yourself arrested out of stupidity, getting you to be chosen as the one to fight wasn't easy either, you know. So don't come to me claiming I didn't help you and Crysania to get your freedom so we could all escape together instead of leaving you behind to go down with the rest of Istar!

Okay, I get it, Caramon admits. But I'm still done with all of this and I'm going back home! Oh really, Raistlin comments, what a shame, I could have used your help. It hurts me to see the change in Caramon as soon as Raistlin says that, because the dumb man doesn't understand that he's just being manipulated. Caramon is so desperate for any sign of brotherly love from his twin that as soon as Raistlin hints that he could help him, he's ready to do anything. Of course I will help you in any way I can, my dear brother! You poor man, you poor faithful dog wagging your tail no matter how many times your master mistreats you.

What Raistlin has in mind for Caramon is war. Around this time in history, there was a war waged against the dwarf kingdom. Raistlin intends to make history repeat itself, and he needs Caramon to lead the army. What army, it's just the three of us, asks Caramon. And then Raistlin begins to sing, while the background dancers begin what looks like a yoga session. Raistlin is a good speaker and manipulator, he easily convinces warriors to join their attack to Zhaman fortress. Knowing history helps him, for he knows what kind of people went into this war and what their motivations were. Little by little they gather quite an army to march into war. Caramon questions if what they are doing is the right thing and that they are lying to people to lure them into an unnecessary war. Raistlin convinces him the war is inevitable, and Caramon, too eager to please his brother, turns a blind eye to the unethicalness of it all.

While Caramon is working his hardest to earn them an entry to the gates, Raistlin focuses on working his mindgames with Crysania. He needs to get her to agree to go along with his plan. So he attempts to use her compassion, and sings to her a sad song about his childhood, colouring everything a little to make himself look more like a sympathetic victim of forces beyond his control. He claims to have began learning magic purely for self defence, being bullied as kid, and then goes on to claim that magic is an addiction that can't be fought once you've tried it. He also very clearly has become aware of Crysania falling in love with him and fans those flames as best he can, being all gentlemanly and nice to her even if he's a jerk when he's with his brother. This is one thing that people don't get about abusive people; they are perfectly capable of playing nice when it's beneficial to them and just because someone is ”such a nice guy” doesn't mean they can't be monsters.

Crysania is smart enough to call bullshit on Raistlin claiming to have always been an enemy to Takhisis, pointing out that he did fight on her side during the past war. But Raistlin pulls the ”It was all according to my plan, so I could betray her”-card out of his sleeve. I'm a traitor to both sides and both good and evil look forward to my funerals. Pity poor me who attempted to do what was right but ended up being unfairly hated by everyone. Well, Crysania buys it all, poor woman. They get closer and closer and looks like they are about to kiss...

But no kissels. Excited Caramon arrives to bring news that Zhaman has been conquered. Crysania leaves the men alone, and Caramon sings a happy song about how much glory he has gained in these battles and thanks Raistlin for making him the leader of the army, giving his life meaning and saving him from being a useless, depressed drunk.

Raistlin is initially annoyed that his alone time with Crysania was interrupted, but knowledge that he now has access to the gates he so desires to open puts him in a good mood and he joins Caramon in the victory celebrations. At some point it even looks like he... smiles a little... and not sarcastically. Who is this stranger and what have you done with the real Raistlin?

Now all Raistlin needs is to make sure Crysania will follow him to the gates. At night, when they are alone again he begins to sing a romantic song for her, posing sexily while he gazes at the starry sky, and she joins the song. By now she is completely and utterly in love with him and filled with joy when suggested that the feelings might be mutual.

Raistlin does an excellent job at seducing her considering he has no prior experience in romance whatsoever. He often takes Crysania's hand while they walk but never makes any more forward moves himself, allowing her to be the one who initiates their first kiss.

Except this time too they are interrupted before the kiss can happen. This time by peeping tom Takhisis making her nightly visit to Raistlin's mind and being all Oh my, things are getting juicy in here, wait until I get my popcorn! Raistlin is startled, looks away and tells Crysania to get out. This is the first time Raistlin's behaved like that in front of her, so she's frightened that by making that first move crossed his line and angered him. She runs away, brokenhearted.

Raistlin is left alone with Takhisis, who in her turn tries to play mindgames. She suggests to Raistlin that maybe he wasn't encouraging Crysania's love just because it was convenient for his plan, maybe he too is falling in love.

Raistlin is horrified of such a thought but compliments her Dark Majesty for pointing out his weakness so he can make sure to overcome it. I made her fall in love with me, using her weakness of compassion and pity against her, surely I am above falling into my own trap! Well, regardless of how her love was born, comments Takhisis, your feelings are genuine – don't you want to keep her? Love is stronger than you are, puny mortal, it would overcome you.

Love brings no happiness, only suffering, sings Raistlin. Look at Crysania, who was so fearless, yet now is afraid, made so weak by her love. I must not return a false love, not fall for a creation of my own making. And so he fights to resists the basic human urge, the need to be loved, considering it a dangerous weakness. Without love I can't be hurt. I won't let my feelings hinder me, my brother is nothing but a sword for me and Crysania is nothing but a key. Love will break and weaken any ruler.

Nothing matters more than love, whispers Takhisis (rather uncharacteristic for the goddess of evil to spout such sappy fortune cookie aforisms). No, power is much more dear to me, answers Raistlin, but he is a complete emotional mess after fighting his feelings and can just tiredly beg for the Dark Lady to leave him alone.

Caramon, while unable to hear Takhisis, heard everything Raistlin said and his heart breaks when he finally learns that his brother doesn't love him. So it was all lies, I meant nothing to you? Or maybe I knew this all along and was lying to myself. When Caramon says he's leaving, Raistlin calls out to him, weak and exhausted after chasing Takhisis out of his mind. And even now, after hearing the truth, Caramon hesitates only a moment before coming to Raistlin's side, making sure he's alright. He even takes off his cape to cover the sleepy wizard warmly.

Kind people are unable to ignore a call for help, even when uttered by someone they know wouldn't return the favor, because for kind people there is no such thing as ”someone who doesn't deserve help.” I still want to kick Raistlin for being such a dick, though. While watching Raistlin sleep, Caramon sings a sad song about how he misses the lost happiness and innocence of their childhood.

The next song is very painful. It's Crysania basically slutshaming herself. Instead of recognizing that her broken heart is the result of Raistlin's mindfuckery, she blames herself. And more alarmingly, she makes a decision to change. By now she is as desperate for Raistlin recognizing her worth as Caramon was for any sign of brotherly love. It hurts me to see her like this, because it reminds me too much of real women who end up trying to change to better please their male lovers. This is what has become of her – the fearless lady who went forth to save a wicked man and prevent him from going through a horrible plan has turned into a blind minion of said man, willing to do whatever he wants. Raistlin has corrupted Crysania, broken her in an incredibly vile way. Instead of leaving the cruel man, she is finally convinced to aid him in opening the gates to Abyss. In her despair to be deemed worthy, Crysania decides to do the one thing Raistlin has always been asking of her, even if that means going against her god's will. At one point in the song it looks like she's talking to Paladine (kinda looking skyward) and saying something along the lines of ”I expect you to condemn what I'm about to do.” And so she betrayed her god and went down to Abyss for the sake of love.

Into the Abyss they go, singing a triumphant song together. They went with music forth to battle, not knowing what horrors lie beyond the gates. Crysania is made fearless by her faith, but not the faith she had for her god but her faith in Raistlin's might, sincerely believing it to be powerful enough to defeat a great goddess. Raistlin is made fearless by his trust in himself.

Not too long after passing the gates, they are welcomed by her Dark Majesty herself. Takhisis is aware of Raistlin's plan to kill her, but she pretends not to know. She congratulates Raistlin for opening the gates for her like a good little minion and offers him a place at the foot of her throne. Either she is being sarcastic, or she is attempting to avoid the fight with intimidation tactics, allowing Raistlin a peaceful way out if he chickens now that he is actually face to face with a powerful goddess.

Look at those four women standing beside her Dark Majesty. I didn't get it at the first viewing, but look at them; different colours, wearing a crown decorated with dragon horns – they are the rest of her five necks! The iconic fiveheaded dragon queen form does appear in the musical, cleverly interpreted!

Intimidation tactic seems to be working, Raistlin looks hesitant for a while, but Crysania turns his head so he can't see the Dark Lady and instead looks her in the eyes and this seems to break the fear instilled in Raistlin after so many nightmares. Time for mindgames and backstabbing is over, Raistlin steps up and voices his intentions loud and clear, challenging the goddess of evil.

This is the first time we see Takhisis express anger, now that all pretense has been thrown to the wind. You can almost see her breathe fire as she gives the INSOLENT MORTAL I WILL BREAK YOU IN HALF!-speech. She then summons her minions to fight for her. Including some weird glowstick-lightsaber wielding guys. They didn't have the budget to prop actual horrors from beyond, so they got creative. I think Takhisis should have summoned a bunch of her evil dragons. No matter how incredibly powerful your wizard is, if a flock of red dragons appears, he is toast. Delicious magical toast.

In the next song Takhisis sings about how great her powers are, with a big emphasis on the fact that she can take countless forms. One great way they show this is the actress playing Crysania also joining the song as clearly a Crysania-shaped incarnation of the Dark Lady. She has been tormenting Raistlin with nightmares and goes to work with his fears and darker memories again. It is fascinating that Crysania seems to be one of the things he fears, but that is probably because of his fear of falling in love and therefore becoming vulnerable.

You know, seeing Takhisis and Crysania together and hearing their beautiful voices simultaneously, makes me want to ship them. I know it's a ridiculous crackpairing, Crysania would deem it blasphemous and Takhisis would be like ”She's not as good as Mina.” But hey, if Crysania is ready to betray her god, why not go all out and fall in love with her god's literal rival? Like how deliciously angsty would that get? I'm sorry, this is stupid. Actually, no, I'm not sorry. Because you know what, I can't go to any show's fandom without seeing a fuckton of male/male ships of characters who hate each other in canon/are sworn enemies, so I should not have to be ashamed for blushing at the thought of femslashing Crys and Taksu. The ship may be full of holes but I will sail it!

More random minions. The background dancers just really, really wanted to show off their cool fedoras and scarves, no matter how unfit they are in a fantasy setting.

The next foe Raistlin faces is a succubus. She unfortunately lacks the charisma of Vera Zoodena and comes off as trying too much. I'm sorry, but whatever she's trying, it just doesn't work. Raistlin seems nervous though, and shouts to her ”Don't touch me!” Oh, the bookworm nerd doesn't like me, eh, says the succubus, I'll just pick his brother then. And she goes to snuggle with Caramon's doppelganger. This is a rather interesting scene, because there's a book that tells about the twins' childhood and apparently there was an incident where a girl initially showed intered towards little Raistlin and got his hopes up and then crushed them by deciding to go for the handsome twin instead. So, yeah, Raistlin has brother issues, and of course Takhisis uses them against him.

Time for more childhood trauma. Takhisis summons the images of the kids who bullied Raistlin when he was little. As someone who still occasionally has nightmares of my own bullies, I have to admit I feel sorry for him here. The cruelty of children can wound a person very deeply. The creatures make Raistlin retreat, tearing open wounds he thought had scarred permanently long ago. Anxious and unable to fight his fears, Raistlin falls on his knees and, much like in his childhood, instinctively cries Caramon for help. But his brother is not here to protect him, to chase away the bullies and watch over his sleep so he can wake him up from nightmares.

Now that Takhisis has Raistlin exhausted and crawling on the ground, she appears to him in the disguise of his mother. She calls for Raistlin, and the wizard reacts to the familiar voice, rushing towards her but stopping midway when he finally gets a grip of reality, that these are all shadows summoned by Takhisis and nothing more. Once Takhisis realizes her game is discovered, she drops the pretense and appears as herself, casting her dark spells on Raistlin, pulling him closer. Eventually all of his strength is consumed and he collapses, fallen victim to the Dark Lady's power.

Crysania to the rescue! Having been separated from Raistlin in the darkness of the Abyss, she finally finds him and immediately puts her healing powers to work. Takhisis tells her she is too late, death has claimed the wizard. I will not give him to you, Crysania exclaims, continuing to revive the man she loves. If needed, she is willing to give her own life in exchange of his. Takhisis speaks to Crysania, telling her that even she feels sorry for her, but a flame always leaves its mark. And then, just as life is returning Raistlin's body, the Dark Lady blinds Crysania's eyes.

And now we get to the most painful scene in the show. Blinded Crysania seeks Raistlin's hand and tells him that they have defeated darkness (What?! How? When? The last I checked, Takhisis seemed to be alive and well. I don't get it.). My eyes can see light no more and I am wounded, but your path to godhood is open now. And then Raistlin answers... that I don't need you anymore. I... I... fuck... Crysania begs him to stay with her, to hold her hand. She was ready to give her life for you! All she wants is for you to hold her hand! I don't cry often when reading books but I remember sobbing all the way through this horrible ending.

Singing arrogantly, Raistlin leaves Crysania behind, blind and wounded, all alone in the darkness of the Abyss. I did what was necessary to reach my goal. The gates were sealed cleverly but with the help of a fool's love I opened them. I don't need you anymore. The price of love in exchange of becoming a god is not too high.

Takhisis speaks to Crysania again, and it's clear now that when she said earlier that she feels sorry for Crysania, it wasn't because of her grief over Raistlin's death, but because she wasn't aware of being used.

Taksu, please, can you not. (Why is everyone in this musical such a dick to blind people?)

Crysania sings a sad song about the senselessness of cruelty and my heart breaks for her. After devoting her life to a man who abandoned her to die alone in the dark, the inside of her chest is pitch black and a void deeper than Abyss where her heart used to be. A final song of grief echoes among the shadows. The Dark Lady's minions dance with Crysania, surprisingly calmly considering they are creatures of evil. Even Takhisis herself holds her in her arms for a while (please kiss her. I know you're not the goddess of death but please. Just kiss her.). Eventually she collapses at the foot of her Dark Majesty's throne and ends her song. The only thing I can do is close my eyes before this void and wait for someone to push. And that's the image we leave Crysania with. A betrayed, blind woman standing on a cliff's edge, waiting for the moment she has to fall down.

Astinus appears again and tells what happened next. Raistlin went on to challenge all of the gods until he was the only one left. However, he did not possess the gods' ability to create. In his war against the gods he had left the mortal world in ruin, and now as the only god of Krynn, he could not repair it. The mortal world had become as desolate, dark and lifeless as the Abyss.

Now, in the books this is not what happens. It's what could happen, but Raistlin gets shown this grim future and that scares him to finally give up his ambitious plan. However he had already opened the gates and entered Abyss, so he chose to remain there and prevent Takhisis from coming through the gates until they had been properly closed behind him. Some versions of the musical also apparently have this ending. However, I prefer this one, where Raistlin reaches that future and has to for all eternity bear the heavy burden of being the one who brought forward the end of the world, all alone in the darkness, the only remaining witness to the devastating results of his actions. I think an ending where we allow him the chance to correct his errors and sacrifice his life nobly for the sake of preventing Takhisis from entering Krynn, is cheaper and doesn't give proper emphasis on the fact that actions have consequenses and often, even in stories involving time travel, once you've made a mistake, you cannot undo it! I prefer stories with the moral ”Don't do this, once you do it there's no going back” than ”Don't do this but if you do, there's always a second chance if you're ready to make some sacrifices.” I know this is fantasy, but in real life, there often aren't second chances. You can only break a fragile thing once. You can only lose someone's trust once.

We get one final song, Lord of Nothing, and it's a great song number. For whatever reason Takhisis sings it with Raistlin, despite the fact that she should be long since defeated in this timeline. Maybe she will forever live on in Raistlin's mind, a fragment of his imagination formed from the memory of nightmares. I don't know, but I don't even care, Vera Zoodena has such a great voice that she can raise Takhisis from the dead any time she wants.

One reason I love this song is that it's basically the Dark Lady vigorously rubbing salt on Raistlin's wounds. Yeah, you wanted this, you wanted this so bad, well look at your kingdom now, oh great Lord of Nothing! As she sings the background dancers gradually take away all of the props, including Raistlin's staff and his robes and then disappear offstage, leaving him standing there alone on the empty stage. It is very satisfying to hear Raistlin sing in anxious manner, desperately trying to lie to himself that he can still fix this, oh please don't let me be left alone in the void. The last one to leave is Astinus. He gives Raistlin his quill and scroll of history before disappearing.

I liked this show and was amazed how nicely it adapted the original material. It's very different to the kind of musical theater I usually watch (Takarazuka). But even a smaller production, with a very small prop budget and actors who sing well but don't dance at all, can be as entertaining as a big, colourful spectacle.

There's been some translating projects going on. Maybe some day there might be an English version done.

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eldestlynch · 7 years

Text

scarecrows.

Peter awakens to the familiar sight of the ceiling. Plaster, cracked, cheaply applied with the hope that some sorry bastard like him will lie awake and stare up at it, worry that it will fall into his eyes, and keep them open anyway. Like anyone would actually have a convoluted motive like that. He doesn’t have to roll over to know that the bed’s other occupant has gone. This is also a familiar thing to wake up to.

Somewhere on the streets beside this pathetic remnant of an apartment building, cars go by. Lights filter unevenly through the blinds, cast shadows across the room. Make it look bigger than it is. Makes him feel bigger than he is. Were he a score younger, he’d have been afraid of the uncertainty cast by the shadows. As he got older, he realized the only thing he should be afraid of was himself.

He turns on his side then, and lets his gaze fall across the indention in the mattress, watches the foam slowly rise like bread. The door of the room was ajar, and Peter stared through the crack into the hallway. A sliver of light ran down, angled off the baseboard, slithered into the room. He knew he should get out of bed, should check the bathroom, but the bed was empty. He stretched out, took the position of the Vitruvian man. Despite waking up often to find himself alone, the bed was actually almost never empty; two people occupied it at least 80% of the time. And, yes, Peter was being a selfish shit, but he was so rarely alone. Should he check on his puking boyfriend, down the hall? Yes, he should, he definitely should, but the moment was too great to pass up. He dreams for just a brief window of time that he was in another bed, in another apartment in another part of the city, with someone else. And then he lets responsibility engulf him once again and struggles to get out of bed.

This is not the first time Peter has awoken to the sights and sounds and signs of self-loathing, and he wasn’t so foolish as to think it might be the last, or even the next to last. He runs through the cycle of actions again. Stands on the uncarpeted, rough hardwood floor for a moment and stretches. Makes his way through the dark to the door, tripping on only one stray controller cord this time. Makes a mental note to clean up after game time, knowing he won’t, knowing he will get distracted as always. He stumbles down the hall, feigning that he’s only just awoken, feigning surprise at the crack of light from the bathroom that illuminates this small sliver of the hall. He pushes open the door, stretches his face into the features of worry and concern and says:

“Theo?”

No one would guess how much thought and careful preparation goes into that one word, how well acted that concern is. Peter thinks to himself, I deserve an Oscar for this performance of Caring Boyfriend.

It’s not that he doesn’t care at all, of course. Just that there are more important things to care about. More important things to take notice of.

Like the fact that, while curled over the edge of the toilet bowl, Theo’s stomach resembles an accordion, folding in on itself. His ribs stick out against his pale skin, and Peter imagines playing the xylophone on them, remembers past high school days of marching band when he would practice the Violent Femmes, just for fun.

Beautiful girl, love the dress, he hums in his head, but he crouches on the tiled floor in front of the sink, places his hand on Theo’s back in a comforting manner. He tries not to think about how he can feel the ridges of Theo’s spine sticking out so slightly, rubbing against his palm.

“I’m sorry,” Theo forces out, his voice strangled and his bangs pressed flat to his forehead with sticky, disgusting sweat. His eyes threaten to spill over with tears, the salty liquid brimming because he knows how this looks, because his insecurities are piling up, because this is all so revolting and he realizes it fully.

Perfect smile, oh, yes, the song continues.

“Everything will be fine,” Peter murmurs in reassurance, but he isn’t thinking about Theo at all. No, he’s thinking about how all he can remember is being in a very similar situation, remember the chill of linoleum leaking through thinly worn fabric, being pressed between the tub and the toilet and the floor and crying and hating himself and being discovered. Just like this.

Well, almost.

Beautiful girl, love the dress.

Peter moves his arm up to surround Theo’s shoulders, and pulls the slim man to his feet. Peter pulls him to the mirror and pause. In the mirror, they are head to head, shoulder to shoulder, exactly the same height. The reflections grimace with a pseudo-normality, and Peter is struck suddenly by the sheer ghastliness of the image. Theo, all tall and sunken cheeks and tight skin, eyes full of the ocean on a clear day; then himself, tall and bleeding lips and warm skin, eyes full of perfectly designed alarm. Two scarecrows, nearly identical except that one has been pecked to death by the crows. The irony of the situation is that one would expect Theo to be the emaciated straw heap, but the one who has been nearly entirely consumed is him. Peter, only a few pecks away from nothingness.

Where she is now, I can only guess.

Eight years ago, Peter is discovered for the first time. He is found shaking and covered in a strange mixture of his own blood and vomit - very attractive - and he is trying not to scream and he is trying not to run, not that he can stand, not that he can speak. He had already cleaned out his wounds, already released his small scrapes into the sweet stinging sensation of hydrogen peroxide, already fished out his stupid Scooby Doo bandaids and checkered his skin with them. He looked down at his arms; Zoinks! Shaggy seemed to say. Like, that’s a serious, like, problem you have there, man!

Peter scowled down at his arm. Like that fucking stoner of a cartoon character had any room to talk.

She doesn’t look disappointed, he can tell, but Peter paints that expression on her face, because isn’t it better that way? Wouldn’t you rather disappointment over that piteous look, that look that tells you you really have sunken to the bottom this time, that you really have fucked up so much that the one person you never wanted to know has finally found you out?

Peter blinks, and it’s Theo again, Theo in the mirror and Theo right next to him, asking with a shaky voice, too much timbre and vibrato, if he is okay, and Peter could almost laugh at that comment alone. No, he is not okay, not by any means nor any stretch of the imagination, but he is hardly going to tell Theo that. Instead, he smiles, presses his cracked, chapped lips against Theo’s cold, clammy ones, and then says, “Yeah, I’m fine, just worried about you, you know?”

Nice, Peter, he thinks. Turn the tables, shine the spotlight back on him, as if he doesn’t already hate himself and feel guilty for all of this, for involving you, for binging and purging and binging and purging again. After all, it’s better than facing my own existence. Better than admitting I can barely handle myself, let alone him. Better than letting him know he’s not the only one drowning in self hatred. It’s better than facing the fact that the only reason I am here is that I can’t be where I really want to be.

Theo smiles at him, though, a sad, eyebrow-furrowing smile that would break Peter’s heart if he still had one left. Theo’s beautiful when he smiles, Peter knows it. Even he can recognize that much. Straight teeth, perfect even if Theo never shows them in his grins. The strong, defined nose of a Frenchman. He isn’t wearing his glasses, and Peter can see the lines under his eyes, but he’s still beautiful. Of course he is; would Peter be here if he wasn’t? That pang of self deprecation again, and he grit his teeth. Hate Theo instead of hating himself, because it’s the only way he can survive all of this.

Eight years ago, he had no escape. He had no one to hate except for himself. He wanted to hate Carmen, wanted to hate her for finding him and for pitying him and for loving him but never enough and never in the right way but he couldn’t. He could never bring himself hate her. It was a shame; everything would be much simpler if he could.

Now, he leans his head on Theo’s shoulder with difficulty, and he wishes he could hate Carmen the way he hates Theo, the way he hates himself. Maybe then he could learn how to love someone else.

The first time he found Theo in the bathroom, he was genuinely worried for the man. They were at dinner with Trace, and with Amanda; a false impression of a double date, though two of them had no romantic interest tying them there. Peter looked at Amanda across the table, and he could see she was there for the same reason he was, and let’s not sugarcoat it - they were there for the sex. Even so, he could hear Carmen in my head, hear the words Don’t hurt him, Peter, so he was extra-observant, noticed the way Theo ate four or five breadsticks before the food even came, noticed the way he binged on salad, how much cheese was grated onto it before he finally said That’s good, noticed the dessert he ordered and how he ate it with way too much vigor. And then Peter noticed the way he got up to use the bathroom before they left.

Peter was not a stranger with this type of behavior. In freshman year of college, his Intro to Modern Dance class, he had friends that suffered from the same symptoms, and yes, suffered is the proper word for it. Someone passed out on the hard wooden floor, right in the middle of rehearsal, and he watched with a callous indifference as she was swarmed by the class. You hear about bulimia all the time, growing up, learn about it in Foods class and in Health and in your AP Psychology course, but no one ever talks about the fact that men can contract it, too, can feel the pressure of the perfect image that they don’t fit into.

Peter’s really only disgusted when he notices that Theo fits into his perfect image; on his knees, choking, even if it’s not what he’d usually be choking on.

Nice, Peter. Reduce him to a sexualized object. Make him out to be nothing more than he believes he is. The one throwing up should be me. No, that’s still giving myself far more credit than I deserve; I should be the vomit. That’s what I really am. Refuse.

Peter noticed far before Trace began to worry, but it was only when he heard Theo’s been gone for a while with that certain tonality of thinly veiled panic that he stood and volunteered to go look for the blonde. What a trooper, Peter! You’ve just earned your Compassion Badge!

He was right where Peter had a feeling he would be; on his knees, yes, choking, yes, but throwing up everything he’d just consumed. It hadn’t even dissolved completely yet. It was a while before Theo noticed he was standing there and when he finally looked up, tears streaming down his face purely from the effort it took to make yourself gag and then throw up several times in succession, Peter just said, You okay? They both know it was a stupid-ass question, and they both knew he was lying when he said Yeah, just a little under the weather, but Peter said nothing to Trace, just as Theo asked; he said nothing about it to Theo, just as he would have asked.

Now, looking in the mirror, Peter still says nothing, still holds his tongue when any sane person, any compassionate person would run and wake Trace the hell up and tell him his baby brother, his mirror twin, his everything was bulimic and self destructive and barely hanging on at this point. But Peter’s not sane. He’s not compassionate. He’s the furthest thing from, reaching for Theo when he thinks about Carmen and wants to either cry or get fucked; usually the latter, because Theo does not get to see him cry, hell fucking no. Not a chance. He has to pretend to be strong so Theo feels like he can rely on him.

He puts too much thought into acting, sometimes. After all, isn’t the truth that Theo doesn’t get to see him be that weak?

Times like these, though, are the best. Times when he wakes up between the night and the day and saves Theo from himself are the best because then he’s insecure. He’s broken, and Peter gets to be the one to tell him, “You’re beautiful,” because he is; tell him, “You’re perfect the way you are,” because that’s true, too, just not perfect for him. And then he get to be the one Theo blows, the one pressing him into the mattress, trying to get him to scream.

Sometimes, self-loathing is totally unwarranted, as in the case of Theo. He has quite a number of good skills. He’s an effective manager, pretty damn good with finances, attractive, bilingual, among all sorts of other things. He’s only a few subjects shy of being a Renaissance Man™. He’s the last person in the world who should harbor any hatred for themselves.

Well, penultimate, maybe.

But Peter?

The next day when Trace asks him how Theo’s doing, if he’s eating properly, if he’s seen him smoking, if anything is going on with him, Peter lies. He says, “Fine. He’s eating at normal times, keeps it all down. Haven’t seen him smoke even once, not even vape. He seems better, Trace, he really does,” and Trace smiles.

Sometimes, self-loathing is totally warranted. Peter can’t even be categorized as a real person; he should care more about Theo. And, really, the truth is that he does care. He goes out of his way to do things for him, buy things he knows Theo would like, surprise him with food and supervise him so he doesn’t go and immediately puke it up. Sometimes, he’s not just playing the role of the good boyfriend. Sometimes, he actually is the good boyfriend.

When he wakes up, there’s a cup of coffee on his nightstand, just the way he likes it; laundry is done, put away, so he doesn’t have to worry; Peter’s taped his work schedule to the mirror so he knows exactly when and who and where.

Before he goes to sleep, Peter takes care of him like he used to take care of so many other people. He puts his big mouth to work and shuts up, for once. He doesn’t joke, he doesn’t play around, he gets straight to the point and gets Theo to finish, hands digging into Peter’s scalp, nails need to be trimmed but the pain isn’t entirely a bad thing.

During the day, Peter texts him to remind him that he loves Theo - because in a way he really does - and tell him about his day, about Ella being perfect in the shop, about the ridiculous customers that come in, about the disgusting new things Amanda comes up with.

Sometimes, he lets himself fall just the smallest bit in love with Theo.

And then he’ll get a text from her, or she comes in to work his shift with him. Carmen. Carmen, his best friend, soulmate, love of his life, the one that got away but never actually left because she was never actually there, never like that, the one he never got over. First and only.

Or maybe he’ll just remember the night she was drunk and he was sober and he straight up lied to her face when he had never in his life had a more perfect moment to tell her the truth.

Or maybe he’ll hear from Cori and that same old animosity, years old, curls into his stomach, eats Peter from inside out because she loved Cori. She loved Cori publicly, when she never did him.

Or maybe he’ll run into Chase, and Peter will want to tackle him, knock him out, sneak into the bar and wreck everything because it was never just girls, it just wasn’t him.

The joke is that it always was him. The joke is that Peter had more than enough chances, more than enough time, and he never said a god damn word.

The joke is that he punched Carmen out, broke her nose, because she loved him right the hell back.

The joke is that a year later, when he finally let himself get over her, and realized he gave a damn about Theo, Theo realized he didn’t care.

In the middle of the night, Peter wakes up to the sound of the cicadas still crying outside. The blankets are on the floor, and he’s shivering to the core. He stretches out his arms to feel for Theo, but he’s not there. He’s not down the hall, throwing up, either. Peter feels like he’s in a dream when he gets up, pads down the uncarpeted hall in his bare feet. Theo’s in the kitchen, eating ice cream. His mouth is a mess; Peter can’t believe how much he wants to kiss him.

The funeral wasn’t that long ago, and she’s buried six feet under, and he felt like a part of him was buried with her but maybe a part of him was also finally dug up and brought to light.

Peter sits next to him, grabs a spoon from the drawer behind them. They open their mouths at the same time, both laugh nervously.

His laugh makes Peter feel warm in a way it never did before. Their elbows knock together, and Peter smiles.

“You first,” he tells Theo, waving the spoon. It drips rocky road onto the counter, the first sign because he never used to eat rocky road ice cream. Never. Not until Theo.

“I was wrong, you know?” Theo shrugs and stares into the melting cream in his bowl. It looks like soup. “I said this was important to me.”

Beautiful girl, love the dress.

“What was important to you?” The ice cream sticks in Peter’s throat, too cold, burning straight through him. He knows, but he has to ask. Has to hear it said.

“This relationship. But you were right, you know? It was just a rebound.”

God, only a month ago he would have loved to hear that. The year Peter spent in his arms didn’t mean anything to him until she was gone.

Perfect smile, oh, yes.

“Sometimes it just happens,” he says in an attempt to sound wise, swallowing the ice and his head bursts into pain. Too much, too fast.

Theo turns to him, smiles sadly. “I don’t love you, Peter.”

He smiles right back.

“Yeah, it’s okay. Me, too.”

Beautiful girl, love the dress.

“I thought so,” he sighs, relieved. He drink the rest of his ice cream soup in one, long gulp, and oh man, Peter used to hate the noise he made when he drank things but now it hits him hard.

“I thought so,” he says again, “from the moment you told me about Carmen.”

“Yeah.”

Where she is now, I can only guess.

“I’m glad that this all works out, then.” He stands, and Peter follows suit, shoves his hands into his pajama pockets.

“Yeah.”

Theo leans in, hesitates before he presses his lips to Peter’s. Peter wants to part his lips, wants to let him in for the first time, wants to be with him. His stomach twists, his head aches from something more than brainfreeze. Theo pulls back, thoughtful. Grins.

“See? Nothing.”

“Yeah,” Peter agrees, swallowing his greed. “Nothing.”

‘Cause it’s gone, daddy, gone, the love is gone away.

#short story #writers on tumblr #not poetry #the rubicon

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bleederziine · 7 years

Text

An Interview w/Faux Furrs

A few days ago I met up with Ryan Deffet and Ryan Shuck of the Faux Furrs, a band that often happily sings about the doom of planet earth , and possible solutions (”Moon Farm”). Our conversation was an eccentric mix of insight into their music making practice and hilarious anecdotes from tour and scientific discoveries. Listen to their new album, Taxonomy, the first chance you get. But in the mean time, enjoy this interview!

How did the band get started? How did you guys meet?

Ryan Deffet: Well Adam and I were living together, no- this is before that! So, we started jamming together before Adam and I lived together, but it wasn’t a band. Me Adam and Mike would jam here and there, and then me, Alex, and Adam our guitar player all moved in, and we had a whole music set up in our apartment. We just jammed there a lot, and me and Adam started writing songs together.

Ryan Shuck: We played a house party that was like, 60s surf rock themed, and played music in the surf rock genre… our band name was Space something and the…

Ryan D: Sharktooth.

Ryan S: Yeah, Sharktooth and the PSH.

Sub/v: Oh so it didn’t stand for anything?

Ryan S: Naw, just like psh!

Ryan D: Our friend Evan was playing with us, on bass, but then he moved to North Carolina, and we missed our good friend Michael, and thats how the squad started.

Sub/v: How did you come up with your current name?

Ryan S: Oh I didn’t have anything to do with that…

Ryan D: At first we were Space Gators, and then everyone was like, we need a cooler name, I mean Space Gators is still a good name, but… We just started throwing around a bunch of names, and some of them sucked and some of them didn’t, and eventually we just all agreed on Faux Furrs, kinda out of the blue. I think we gravitated towards it because one of our songs, is about, or anti, big game hunting and animal cruelty and stuff. Also it has the alliteration of two F’s, people might come to our shows and think we’re the Foo Fighters, you never know… And there’s a lot of F bands, like Fleet Foxes, Foxygen, Foxy Shazam…

Sub/v: is that a real band name?

Ryan D: Yeah, and there’s Fleetwod Mac, which is in again…

Sub/v: What was the inspiration for your latest album?

Ryan D: A lot of stuff…

Ryan S: Outer space.

Ryan D: Okay so on the cover there’s a tardigrade, one of those little guys (points to a giant painting of a tardigrade), a little alien bear, but their like microscopic

Sub/v: Are those those things that can live in anything? I think i saw a nature documentary like that.

Ryan S: Yeah!

Ryand D: Yeah, they can live in anything, like space or nuclear war, I mean along with cock roaches. Next month it’ll probably just be tardigrades and cock roaches!

Ryan S: I think the album was inspired by a lot of weird things, like mostly its just Ryan writing most of the songs, in terms of meaning, and the rest of us are like creating the sound to go along with it.

Ryan D: It all kind of goes together, like it starts on earth level, and then the farther you go it gets higher into the upper realms… cosmic quarry… And Adam and I wanted to put some weird ambient tracks in there, and we did three of them, which I think turned out really well. Those might be my favorite parts of the album, just because they were pretty unexpected in how they would actually sound. We didn’t have any of them planned out, so we just kind of improvised.

Sub/V: Are there other bands/musicians that inspire the music you make?

Ryan S: The Talking Heads.

Ryan D: I guess so, maybe a little bit of that. I mean starting out it was a lot of the old garage rockers, and like college rock, and Violent Femmes was a big one before we had you on drums. The Kinks are always a good favorite. One of our modern favorites is Deerhunter, mostly their early albums. Flaming Lips, Mercury Rev.

Ryan S: Some of the more neo psychedelic people.

Sub/v: So is that like what you were listening to when you made the new album, or are those inspirations for everything?

Ryan S: Its kind of the whole thing.

Ryan D: Yeah, its like the music we all vibe together with. All of our tastes in music are really different, but for me if something means something and sounds good, then I’ll listen to it. But if it sounds good but doesn’t have interesting lyrics, I won’t like it as much.

Sub/v: What do you think you write about the most?

Ryan D: I guess just things you see around you… a lot of people say music is what feelings sounds like. I like to make the songs politically driven, not necessarily explicitly but in that protest mindset. What you see around you isn’t always right. If you listen to the album its never just one feeling, its always kind of mixed, like even the happy ones. Even “Sand In My Toes” is a really happy surf rock song, but its about the temperature of the planet rising so that the water evaporates and we’re all standing in a desert, so its actually really sad.

Ryan S: lots of doom and gloom, but in a good way!

Ryan D: You have to learn to laugh at the doom, and take it in stride, and not let it get the best of you. Make art about it instead of sulking about it.

Sub/v: So do you think you write about social causes a lot?

Ryan S: Yeah, I think you do. Its very subconscious.

Ryan D: Yeah theres also a lot of sci fi going on in there. I mean we all want to go to the moon and live on our own little colony there and see what happens. How cool would that be? We’ll probably be in a space ship sometime soon, like in our 50s or 60s.

Sub/v: So do you think its mostly about environmental issue?

Ryan D: Don’t kill pretty animals! Yeah, we’re pretty much nature rock. The song “Cycles” is about how time and historical events move in cycles. Like how we’ll start in one place, and go another, but they’re almost indistinguishable. There’s new people an new technologies, but the same ideas.

Ryan S: I like that this song started playing while we’re talking about this stuff (referring to Super Freak)

Sub/v: Yeah, its an odd song to discuss social issues to…

Ryan D: Oh well speaking of this song, well, not really but I’m going to talk about our song “Robot Love.” My dad was like that song’s about robots, and arificial intelligence, and thats, like, okay. So this song is going to be like the song of the robots. We wrote this song for robots. Its about how love can transcend what we don’t already know. It can exist in places we’ve never thought of.

Ryan S: So basically “Robot Love” is “Super Freak” for robots.

Ryan D: Yeah, its just less funky. Robots can’t handle the funk yet.

Sub/v: Whats it like being a band in chicago?

Ryan D: There’s a lot of good people, and people have a lot of respect for it. You’ll meet people who you’d never think would be into the music scene, but are. It just means a lot here, and not just the local DIY scene, which is amazing, but the Chicago scene has definitely busted out into the wider world. People are paying more attention than they did over the past years.

Ryan S: Its a good platform for local music, its supportive. You can play shows with all the other bands in Chicago if you just reach out and are nice and aren’t, like, weird. I think its a lot different from other cities. It feels more family like.

Ryan D: Yeah, like when we were in New York, its a cool town for music, but it didn’t feel like the community was the same. Chicago is like the perfect size. I remember when Cut Worms from New York came and played at Slippery Slope, and the whole crowd was the Chicago music scene.

Sub/v: I think its really hard when a music scene is in a big industry city.

Ryan S: Yeah, like Nashville. But Nashville’s pretty cool.

Ryan D: Yeah, we got to see the cool part of it. It kind of felt like Chicago, the record store we played at, with local artists just doing their thing.

Ryan S: Our homecoming show was at East Room, and it was really amazing. With everyone there it had a very family feel, even though some of those people we had never met. Everyone was really cool and supportive. It felt like the show was in a basement, but it was in a venue. That kind of thing is what makes Chicago music unique.

Ryan D: People here go to shows to enjoy the music. They actually really care about it.

SUB/V: So what was it like touring?

Ryan S: It was nice.

Ryan D: It was a cool way to see the world.

Ryan S: We didn’t go on tour as a headlining band from Chicago; we were there to play with other acts in their city. We got to see how other acts did their thing.

Ryan D: It was a totally DIY tour, so we set it up ourselves. We didn’t have people to tell us where to go or boss us around, it was just nice to just perform. We got to meet a ton of cool people and spread our music around, which is always good.

Ryan S: We got to sleep in a lot of parks, rest stops, parking lots, hammocks…

Ryan D: There’s no food thats as good out there as Chicago food, though. I don’t think there was anything where I was like, oh, I’d come back for this

Ryan S: Definitely not Tim Horton’s.

Ryan D: What was that place we went to? We were right outside Detroit, and we crossed into Canada at like 1, 3 am, and we went to this Tim Horton’s that was completely out of stock.

Ryan S: There was this huge street brawl when we crossed over, like 50 people. I think it was in Windsor.

Ryan D: So Windsor is where Detroit kids go to get weird because Canada’s drinking age is 18. So the Detroit kids just come over and start street brawls and scare tourists like us.

Ryan S: Toronto though was really fun. I thought the food there was great. It was all really cool though. We did like 13 shows in 15 or 16 days, and we had a few days off between New York and Toronto, just because of how far it was. We got to see Niagara Falls and other sites along the way. It was really great.

Ryan D: Well its like what Michael said, its a working vacation. You’re just hanging with your buds, doing what you love, but its still really scheduled, because you have to get to the next show. Its like a spy or space adventure, because you’re traveling in your vessel, and you have to land in the dock before everything explodes. Because only you can save the day with your sick riffs.

Sub/v: Were there any scary/crazy parts of touring? I know all my trips have their scary moments.

Ryan S: Not really, no one tried to rob us or anything.

Ryan D: I’m trying to think of freaky things....

Ryan S: We just kind of traveled around, stuck to ourselves, slept wherever we wanted to. No one really bothered us.

Ryan D: We did almost get stuck in the mud at that camp site.

Ryan S: Oh yeah, we did! We drove in the middle of the night in upstate New York. We were just planning on driving until we were exhausted and then we were like, oh, here’s this campsite! But the camp site had been rained on for days, so it was completely water logged. And then we drove into this area that was under construction.

Ryan D: Yeah, it was all half built and bizarre.

Ryan S: And when we woke up we were next to a septic tank. Thats what happens when you park in the dark!

Sub/v: So pretty much it was just gross conditions, not scary people.

Ryan D: Yeah! In New York we jammed in the street with this Senengalese guy. Very cool, not creepy.

Ryan S: No creeps, we were the creeps. No one can freak you out if you’re freaking everyone else out.

Ryan D: One thing that really irritated me was this building in New York, that looked like a big annoying rubix cube, and its just so gross. Its even taller than the Empire State Building! It just ruins the sky line.

Ryan S: That really freaked him out.

Ryan D: Well I studied architecture for a little bit, and it just made me cringe. Well there was one city that creeped me out more than the others: Baltimore. I remember we were playing this show, we had pizza, and we’re like lets go get some coffee. So i went across the street to get coffee at like 9 at night and they were still open. And there were like kinda druggie people everywhere. So I go into the coffee place and there were people right in the doorway talking to each other and I was like “excuse me” and this woman was like “okay honey” and opened the door, but she was still in the doorway so I had to shimmy by her and I accidentally stepped on her foot and she shoved me through the door and was like “Thats my foot!” When I left the amount of drugged up people had doubled since the five minutes I was in there. It kind of reminded me of the bad parts of Dayton I used to go through.

Ryan S: And then didn’t the guy she was talking to turn out to be the king of dance at that one club? In the clubs of Baltimore they have these dance offs in circle pits, and if you can’t dance they cut your toes off so you can’t dance anymore. I’ve never seen anything like that.

Sub/v: Yeah, Baltimore’s weird. Thats where Beach House and John Waters are from. His movies are like creepy and don’t always make much sense, but I feel like thats the point.

Ryan D: Yeah, thats how a lot of Baltimore art is. Creepy but in a good way.

Ryan S: Thats what Baltimore does to people. I think its all the crab they eat.

Ryan D: Yeah! We had actually had crab on our pizza.

Sub/v: Ew, that actually sounds pretty gross, to me at least. I’m like allergic to everything and vegetarian, so…

Ryan D: I only can really eat fish now.

Ryan S: Well no ones going to want to eat meat with this meat tick you’ve been talking about.

Ryan D: Oh yeah! There’s this tick where when it injects you, if you eat meat, like red meat, you’ll break out in hives and get really sick.

Sub/v: I’m really glad you guys are giving me such interesting, weird answers, because sometimes when people are being interviewed, they’re like, I write songs by getting a pen and piece of paper.

Ryan S: Well we use meat ticks so write our songs.

Ryan D: How do we write songs? How it went for this album is I brought pretty much all the songs to the table and then we all worked on them and made them different. Put our lil spice on all of them.

Ryan S: You would bring in a structure and we would sit down with it for a little while, and it would change just by us playing it.

Ryan D: It starts with a feeling in the fires of your soul! You can also quote me as saying “Fuck the Nazis.”

PHOTOS AND INTERVIEW BY CHLOE GRAHAM

FAUX FURRS BANDCAMP: https://fauxfurrs.bandcamp.com

#faux furrs #band interview #35mm #shootfilm

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