#oh ive never been so mad ohhhhh ive never been so enraged

[ilaiyayaya]

I Am So Mad rn frfr

I hate that my mental health always takes a massive drop around this time of the year. The worst part is like, it's not even like normal seasonal depression, I like fall and winter and like as soon as Christmas is done I'm fine again for the rest of the winter months. But god I fucking can't take having to see my family like once every week or 2 for a full 3 months from the start of October to the end of December because there's always either a holiday or one of their birthday's. At least I narrowly avoided one of the 2 worst days, Thanksgiving, because I had work as an excuse 🎉🎉🎉 unfortunately I don't have work on Christmas and because I avoided them for Thanksgiving I am going to be hearing shit over that on top of the normal things that make me want to die. I am actually at my fucking limit of dealing with these people, the last time I saw them I got extremely close to having a meltdown and fighting my uncle. If I hear a single fucking thing this time about my fucking hair, or my ear-piercing, or my job, or the way I fucking walk, or if one of them say I look like a [REDACTED] because of any of those things I'm gonna fucking lose it. I fucking hate my entire dad's side of my family and I can't fucking escape them in my current situation and yet my mom's side of my family is mostly great and I don't have a problem with a majority of them, unfortunately I haven't been able to talk to any of them in several years and trying to get in contact with any of them would give an easy way for my mother to find me which would potentially put my life in danger so yea that's cool.

At least after Christmas I'll be done with them for a while so just 1 more week and it'll all be over, and as long as I'm out of my father's house by this time next year, which there's no reason why I shouldn't be aside from my own incompetence (which is a really big obstacle, I can't do shit right), I won't have to see any of them ever again. Just 1 more week 1 more week only 1 more I can do it I'll live no more holidays after that I can survive 1 week surely I won't go on a psychotic rampage within that little amount of time.

AND last night someone I haven't talked to in like 6 months randomly messaged me on Discord minutes before I was about to go to sleep wanting to call, and I regrettably said sure. This was like 5 hours before I was supposed to go to work too and the entire like 2 hours he had me trapped in the call I was just desperately trying to find an excuse out (even tho I literally had a very valid excuse of having work the next morning) and of course I did not get a single moment of sleep afterwards because it was too late by the time I got out and was tired af the entire day (I have still not slept since then because I am very smart and take very good care of myself and always get sufficient sleep and I have work again in 6 hours).

The call itself was completely fucking miserable too, there is a reason I haven't talked to this person in 6 months and absolutely should not have agreed to talk but I suck and can't say no to anything ever. Immediately like 1 minute in they start telling me about how they think some girl at a bookstore they go to is flirting with them, which like, on it's own, if it was actually happening, like that's fine, whatever, cool, but then the snowball really starts when he mentions her age as "probably in her early 20s" (he's like, at least 35 (which again, normally I don't care, fine on it's own)), and I blanked out really fucking hard for 90% of that call so I don't even remember everything he said about her after that, but I do remember him progressively changing her age as he kept talking to "probably 20" then "at least 18" and then after that kinda implying but not outright stating that she's possibly not even 18. This entire time I was pretty much not saying a word except like "yea" and "uh-huh" and like other completely meaningless responses, so it just felt like he was having an internal debate with himself over whether he should try to go after this potentially underaged retail worker except instead of it being internal it was out loud, to me. What's fucking worse is the conclusion he came to was that like, he "doesn't really care about how others perceive him at this point" in reference to trying to hit on this probably underage retail worker. I feel really bad for that bookstore clerk she probably literally was just trying to do a job that she has to do and now this creep thinks she's into him. AAAAAAAAAA AND I'M THE FUCKING WORST BECAUSE THE ENTIRE TIME THE MOST I SAID WAS LIKE "yea I probably wouldn't do that, but like it's your life I can't stop you" INSTEAD OF TAKING A HARD STANCE AND JUST SAYING OUTRIGHT TO FUCK OFF AND DIE.

After they finally finished being the biggest creep I have had to talk to in months they just started talking about a bunch of random games they'd been playing, and they got really hung up on Baldur's Gate 3 specifically, they fuckin' hate it. I should preface this part with, I have mentioned to this person once in the past that I am nonbinary and trans and they were kinda weird about it then and I just didn't ever bring it up after that, but they still definitely knew unless they just forgot. So like, idk anything about Baldur's Gate, or D&D as a whole, but I've heard 3 is good, and so when he first brought it up I said "I haven't played it but I have literally only heard good things about it" big mistake, this instantly led to him listing off every issue he had with the game, specifically it's writing, and how much he hates that they added the ability to choose your pronouns because it's a classic fantasy game and pronoun choice doesn't make sense in a D&D-style fantasy world (even though I thought like the entire point of D&D was making your own character whatever the fuck you want it to be). He also really didn't like that you can be in a polyamorous relationship in 3 and brought up an example of like, some character in 2 would never be in a poly relationship, and if you chose them as your partner they would probably kill you if you tried going out with anyone else, but like, that character isn't in 3 as far as I'm aware, and also like, just because it wasn't in 2 doesn't mean they can't add it in 3, actually that was like the crux of most of his points he just really didn't like anything that was even slightly different than Baldur's Gate 2. Also side note but that character he brought up from 2 I do not remember the name of at all and every single time he brought her up he was like "surely you know her, you've definitely seen her there's tons of rule 34 of her" sorry but no I haven't seen the porn of a random character that I didn't even know existed and I don't know why you assume I have. Anyways now I have a reason to play Baldur's Gate 3 and never touch Baldur's Gate 1 or 2 entirely out of spite.

I don't know why the fuck he just randomly wanted to talk to me and have these specific fucking conversations with me of all people but now I've had to spend the last 20 hours thinking about how much that call pissed me off so that's fun. God I fucking wish I had some basic fucking social ability to tell someone to fuck off without worrying about, literally nothing, just completely nebulous anxiety, I had literally no reason not to just leave the call and tell him not to message me again as soon as he started being weird BECAUSE I DON'T ACTUALLY FUCKING GIVE A SHIT HOW SOMEONE WHO IS THAT MUCH OF A PIECE OF SHIT REACTS TO ME TELLING THEM TO SHUT UP WHY THE FUCK AM I LIKE THIS AAAAAAAAA I'M JUST FUCKING BLOCKING HIM NOW LIKE I SHOULD HAVE LAST NIGHT AAAAAAAAA. At least in this case I can just easily block him and be done with it, I'm not friends with anyone he knows anymore and I already hadn't been talking to him but like, ugh.