#oh how the feeling of inadequacy will inundate joel ‘i fail her in my sleep’ miller

[scootkiddo]

thinking about how joel was wringing his hands here. the amount of visible discomfort he felt when maria was offering hot showers, warm clothes, houses to stay in- something he was supposed to be able to offer to ellie

he was dwelling in such denial over his fear of being an insufficient caretaker and guardian to the point of feeling physical stiffness in his body and over his face. to the point of claiming that they had been “doing just fine” because his mind couldn’t comprehend the antithesis of such. jackson was the physical embodiment of what he longed to give ellie- real comfort and security- and he struggled with this reality hammering into his head of just how self-sufficient this community was as opposed to him. he was responsible for ellie. he was meant to provide the best for her. and here was someone else who had procured and provided the necessities joel hadn’t come close to replicating