#oh hes so important to me. my everything my weird sopping wet cat

[butchdykekondraki]

im having a category 10 girl moment i believe

[nicollechoo0321]

Week 7 (16/03/21)

Task : Story writing Book Title : Covid 101 : Funny Edition

BEGINNING

Hello, Lengzai’s and Lenglui’s. Welcome. My name is Kepoh. The story that I’m going to tell you will forever remain in the history books and it will be passed down to your great-great-great-great-great-great-great-grandchildren. So prepare your cheap popcorn……………and enjoy.

PART 1 : CORONAVIRUS

Once upon a time, not long ago, inside a wet market far…..far away, a virus baby was born, and that baby’s name is called Coronavirus………….or Covid-19? ………….whatever you like to call it.  Wah I tell you ah, this Corona is a troublesome little virus. Just like it’s ancestors, very naughty, yet evil.  I think ah this Corona is the Thanos of all viruses, just a snap of the finger and almost half of the earth’s population go bye-bye.  Now let me tell you a little bit about Corona.  Corona likes to do parkour. Why? Because it likes to jump here jump there to each persons body.  Once you and the person who kena the virus touchy—touchy, you will also kena the virus, after you will start to experience the following symptoms…………  Fever, coughing, tiredness, aches and pains, sore throat, diarrhea, conjunctivitis (whatever that is), headache, loss of taste and smell, difficult breathing, and many more. 

PART 2 : HOW IT ALL HAPPENED

Now that you know how stupid dangerous the Corona is, now I will show you the saddest part of the story, where it has changed the world and our lives. So again…….sit back, prepare your nuts, and enjoy. It all started from the sprawling capital of Central China’s Hubei province, Wuhan, China. In December, it has expanded to touch all corners of the globe. Upon millions of people around the world have been infected and hundreds of thousands of others have died due to the Corona. Haiyaa……..sad ah. BUT THAT’S NOT ALL!!! Because of the outbreak, people have no choice but to stay at home. Some even lost their jobs! And you know, if the person lost their job there will be no income, if there’s no income, that means no money, if no money means no food, if no food means starvation, if there’s starvation that means DEATH! Scary ah. Anyways, the virus is dangerous, and we must be very careful. But not to worry, Kepoh will tell you how to prevent the virus from happening. You all might be curious “Eh! Kepoh the virus so deadly can prevent one meh?” OF COURSE CAN LAH!  Just like when you bad at math, can improve meh? ----------- OF COURSE CAN MAH! *#@!!**[cursing]

PART 3 : PROTECTION 101

I’m sorry………. excuse me for my bad temper. (pg 31) Anyways, like I said, there is a way to prevent, and that is……………… (pg 32) SOP (pg 33)

NO 1! WEAR A MASK!  Wearing a mask is a must especially when you are outside. Masks can help protect us from the virus. Ever since the outbreak of the virus started in Malaysia, many people fight to buy masks. And some selfish people decided to stock up those masks, which leave some poor and vulnerable citizens nothing to protect themselves…….I mean………HELLOOOOOOO!!!!! YOU THINK YOU ARE THE ONLY ONE IN MALAYSIA AH!? WE NEED PROTECTION TOO YA KNOW. AT LEAST BUY 2 BOXES FIRST LAH, NOT ENOUGH THEN BUY AGAIN MAH!!!........MA HAII……… And also……Some idiots decided to use this opportunity to scam people. Haiyaa……shortage in masks……kena scam some more. What can get more worse than this….. IN FACT! THERE IS! Since masks have became the most needed product in the market now, many markets, pharmacies, retail shops have started to raise the prices …..SAD AH…… But of course there are some IDIOTS who don’t want to wear masks, because they don’t want to hide their ugly…I mean beautiful face. Moving on……

NO 2! SANITIZE YOUR HANDS! (pg 41) Yes……sanitizing hands can help kill the virus. The virus mostly appear on the surface of objects, so whatever the hell you touch, no matter if it’s your BF, GF, mother, father, sister, brother, cousin, aunty, uncle, best friend, your lousy neighbor, your ex, your parcel, the table, the floor, there is a 70% chance you will have the virus on your beautiful hands.  So also remember…………SANITIZE YOUR HANDS (and also the things you touch).  Next……

NO 3! SOCIAL DISTANCING!  Ah………you all might be asking “Har, Kepoh. That means I cannot go yumcha with my friends loh, I cannot go clubbing loh, I cannot holiday loh”. Let me ask you this, do you want to live or you want to die with your friends. You choose. Don’t say Kepoh did not warn you. Anyway, social distancing is very important, you have to make sure to stay 1 meter away from each person, because you never know whether he/she will have the Corona. Of course there are good and bad things about this.  The good is you can protect yourself and you can get away from that one person you hate dearly. (Ha ha ha ha).The bad is you die.

Last, but not least…….. 

NO 4! STAY AT HOME!  This method is even more effective than the rest ah I tell you. Stay at home if you can, don’t go cuti-cuti Malaysia. Talking about this topic ah, Kepoh’s volcano is about to explode ah. Some people never listen one! Sooooo selfish! Like to ke sana ke sini! Not responsible! Think they are immune to the virus! Some even say “Oh, I won’t kena one lah”, “Aiya I’m not scared lah”. Erm……………you’re not scared, I’m scared mah. Walao #@!*!!^%*[cursing] 

PART 4 : THE LOCKDOWN

Sorry………..got too carried away. Now here comes the serious part of the pandemic. 

THE LOCKDOWN In march 2020, the “Movement Control Order”(MCO) was announced. Every corner of Malaysia is under full lockdown. Wah I tell you, once the government announced the MCO ah, all hell broke loose. Many people charge to the supermarket and flip the heck out of it, stock this and stock that, wah…………its like World War III ah. Which means schools have stopped (yay~~~), some move on with online classes (haiya~~~), offices closed, some work from home, businesses are forced to shut down (sad ah~~~), cannot cuti-cuti Malaysia (even sad ah~~~). During this period of time, Malaysian’s have come up with things to do like, stacking toilet paper, clean the house until niama cannot recognize, coming up with weird food combinations, like milo + Maggie and etc. A lot has happened throughout this period, but the one thing until this day Kepoh still find hilarious and probably the most stupid yet embarrassing thing that has happened in the history of this country is this: 

[visual of the news article (self illustrated)] 

How in the world did she come up with this. If Kepoh’s wife ang~ang~ang~ in front of me wearing makeup, I’d immediately divorce her, no more wife. Some people have mixed reactions with this MCO, Kepoh broke it down to 2 types: THE INTROVERTS & THE EXTROVERTS. The introverts leh, don’t give a damn about this MCO. In fact, to them its like winning a lottery, happy as hell. The extroverts leh, its like prison to them. All they can do is party by themselves. (Aiya, Kepoh feel sad for them.) Slowly, the number of cases started to drop. And the government announced CMCO.  You all must be so confuse now “Eh, Kepoh, this CMCO got any different meh? Just a C in front there”. Relax, let Kepoh explain to you. CMCO means “Conditional Movement Control Order”, easier to say its less strict than MCO. Many businesses can start to operate, you can dine-in, you can go outside have a little exercise. BUT. Still cannot cut your hair, ke sana ke sini, interstate travel, etc. Even though we’re given little freedom, but that doesn’t mean we can do as we please, it is still a must to follow SOPs. KALAU TAK ADA HAL, JANGAN KELUAR. After all the CMCO, the number of cases started to drop even more. Hence, the government announced RMCO. I know you all will ask again “Eh, Kepoh, now what is this RMCO ah?”. RMCO means “Recovery Movement Control Order”. In short, we are nearly going back to our normal lives. Every business, schools and offices were reopened, interstate travel is allowed, but most importantly, we can finally cut our hair! Now this is the most frustrating part. We were thiisssssss close to finally be Covid-free. BUT THEN! 

KABOOM!!! 

Second wave of the pandemic strikes us like an atomic bomb. But the story is too long to explain, to make things short, I will show you a drawing of what happened. 

[Illustration] 

That’s not all.  The third wave came. So fast like how your money disappear from your bank account. Kepoh don’t want to explain anymore, just refer to the drawing. Kepoh need some rest.

[Illustration] 

PART 5 : THE CURE

Kepoh thought, “Is this the end? When will all of this be over? Can this Corona be stopped? Are we able to see the blue skies again?” When all hope was lost, suddenly, a shiny form of liquid dropped from the sky. BEHOLD! THE VACCINE! Is this it? Is this the cure we’ve all been waiting for? Yes, you are correct. We can finally say bye-bye to Corona. After all the hardship we’ve been through, we finally can stop breathing our own stinky breathe. We can finally sneeze and cough however, whenever, wherever we want (please don’t do that lah) without other people assuming we have the virus………. YOU THINK ITS SO EASY AH! IN YOUR DREAMS! When the vaccine arrived in Malaysia, the people think “Oh, its not safe one lah”, “Oh, its poisonous one, very dangerous”, “Oh, not effective one lah”, this and that. WALAO EH! First you complain when will the vaccine come, now the vaccine came, and then you complain not safe! Kepoh really cannot tahan these people ah. Kepoh think they scared to take the vaccine, such pussy cats. Its like they rather die by the virus than by a tiny bottle of liquid. Haiyaaa, such failure.

ENDING

WOW! What a rollercoaster ride! Congrats on reading everything until the end. Kepoh don’t know how you did it, but you have earned my respect. SALUTE! SALUTE! SALUTE! But Kepoh must conclude one thing: No matter whatever MCO or SOP, the most important thing is self-discipline and responsibility. If you very LC, confirm you kena the virus one. But if you are responsible, follow all the SOPs, even a grenade could not kill you. I know…. I know, you all might diss me “Kepoh, you sure? You’re being exaggerating, how can discipline and responsibility save ourselves from the virus.” Shut up lah. You dare diss me again I tell you I will hunt you down. Enough talking, its time to say goodbye. The moment you close this book, you will not see me anymore. Kepoh will not miss you…… I mean will miss you dearly. (Haiyaa, now I’m going to be collecting dust on the shelves now).

BYE~~~ 

[booksummarieswithkatz]

Ribbed For Her Pleasure by Miranda Martin

Okay, terms to know can be found here. 

Now that that’s out of the way let’s get on with the story. Also I did not look up any of the characters’ names. So whatever. Also, so little happens of importance that this summary is hella short.

This book takes place in the present day, and begins with our leading lady, Female Stereotype, returning from generic Gamecon with her cat and getting ready to do a "just got back" vlog when she decides to check twitter. It turns out that some person who doesn't matter tweeted at her to take the "Celestial Mates Challenge" and get matched with her perfect alien dreamboat. Female decides that her extra "protective" fanboys would think this stunt is hilarious, and signs up. The only problem is that the app is actually a consent form created by a magical cherub who is abusing his power to timetravel for supposedly noble causes, and he needs her... for some reason?

So anyways she downloads the app and starts a vlog about how she's doing the challenge when SHABAM a tiny floating dwarf appears in her room... while she's changing. She's all like "WTF" and he's all like "no time to explain" and grabs her charizard plushie before saying "oh you are gonna love this," and poofs her away.

She appears in the air on a seemingly deserted planet. Directly above the ocean. After taking a nice bath in frigid seawater, she drags herself to shore only to see the tiny dwarf poof in again to drop a seven foot tall dragon man down into the water beside her. The dragon man is very confused, and in his strange lizard speak berates the dwarf. The dwarf just goes "ok love you bye" and vanishes, leaving two sopping wet people who don't speak the same language on an alien world with no supplies. Kind of a dick move.

So the dragon man freaks out because he's from a desert planet and the largest amount of water he's seen in one place before being dropped in the ocean was a punch bowl, and Female Stereotype freaks out because she's alone with an irritable dragon man, but they find a cave to dry off in and start a fire while trying to figure out how they were going to find any goddamn food. But it's okay, because the magic Peter Dinklage shows up like "oh shit I forgot" and throws a bunch of cocaine in their faces so they can understand each other. 

It turns out that the dragon guy's name is actually Ribbed Dick, and now that they aren't dying of hypothermia they realize that omg this person is H O T. So they start getting really weird and awkward because they're both really horny and Peter Dinklage, who is watching all of this, is like "no why aren't you fucking!?" So he decides to spice shit up with the justification of "gamers love adventure" and "dragons are generically strong and heroic" and "women like to fuck violent hypermasculine dragons, right?" and he summons a flock of velociraptors (the jurassic park kind, not the actually chicken-sized version) to attack them.

After a brief scuffle of Female Stereotype screaming and Ribbed Dick choking out dinosaurs like a boss, they realize that since they're probably going to die they actually love each other. Then they fuck. In that cave. Surrounded by dead velociraptors and viscera. As one does.

After discovering the delightful nature of Ribbed Dick’s two (yes two) ribbed dicks, the couple promptly shrivel up and attempt flaccid conversation in a feedback loop of “was it bad for him? Is that why he’s so quiet? Was it good for her? She keeps glancing at me nervously” until finally Tyrion Lannister shows up and says all of the shit that’s in their heads (cuz stalking wasn’t enough we had to add mind-reading voyeurism). Ribbed and Female realize that they are both idiots and decide that the best course of action is to just fuck again, but this time they find a beautiful nearby forest so they can have real scenic artsy sex like a high-budget porno. As one does.

So they tucker themselves out with the twin-dick tango and wake up - surprise - in Ribbed Dick’s bed, in Ribbed Dick’s house, on Ribbed Dick’s planet. Female Stereotype decides (logically for once) that Ribbed Dick may actually be in league with Tyrion Dinklage, though her presumption of  villainy is kinda farfetched. Ribbed Dick wins her over with the argument of “but we made such sweet love and I’m hot, and you’re hot, and this desert planet is hot, and really if you leave me you are going to be surrounded by dragon people who have never seen a human before and you’ll probably die because we’re actually a slave race and they’ll think you’re a spy.” Female realizes that he’s right, they are super in love, and sure her cat has been left alone for way too long and there’s like no water here on this godforsaken planet, but goddamn is the sex awesome and that’s what really matters here. LoveSex

So they resolve their differences with tonsil hockey and then Ribbed is just like “remember how I said that everyone would probably kill you as a spy, but let’s go for a walk and I’ll show you my home.” What a great fucking idea. Lo and behold, the other locals actually bring them before the council of elders to be judged as a traitor and a spy.

But everything is okay, because the grand matriach (who is just the oldest woman present) declares that they are in love and everyone can shove it up their asses.

Female Stereotype and Ribbed Dick then head home for a nice hide-the-sausage session, then Deter Pinklage shows up again and (for the fifth time in the book) goes “oh shit i forgot” and throws more cocaine in their faces, declaring that they are now biologically compatible. Somehow. The pair decides to celebrate with more sex, but Pinklage appears again just long enough to throw her cat at her. The End.

“But wait!” You say, “why did magic Tyrion need the two to get dirty anyways? Why was his time bullshit important? WHAT WAS THE FUCKING POINT?!” Well, fucking was the point but, if you insist,  it’s because apparently, in the future the entire dragon race is eliminated by a horrible plague, but introducing a single human (and forcing her to be biologically compatible with them) into the genepool at that exact moment with that exact dragon would disseminate an immunity to the entire population (or at least enough for the race to survive). So, I guess, bully for modern science?