#oh and i'm worried that the constant venting is annoying/upsetting to people but i don't know what else to do

[chronicbackstabbingdisorder]

I just want to self destruct so badly right now, there is something so deeply broken about me as a person and I don't know how to explain that to anyone because I've masked and lied about like... my entire self for so many years of my life that I actually don't know how to express the truth, and I don't know how to do it without scaring the fuck out of everyone. I don't know how to navigate this at all without burning every bridge in the process.

[aliteralgarbageheap]

My work has suddenly gotten very slow bc I finished the project I was working on and now there's so much room in my head to think about things 😬

A non exhaustive list of all of the things eating my brain currently so that maybe they'll stop doing that

(this is a vent about my leg situation)

The hysterical laughter I wanna give casual acquaintances who know I hurt myself in mid April and ask me "oh so is your leg better now?"

My bummer beach trip coming up where I won't be able to swim and sand everywhere will make me anxious

Trying to visit people/travel while I'm still changing packing at least everyday

Sweating through my bandages when I go for a leisurely walk in the summer heat

The constant struggle of "do I chance wearing shorts because I might sweat through my bandage or do I wear pants and def sweat through it but at least no worrying about it falling off"

Taking 3 minute showers and still being anxious water will get into my saran wrapped leg

A hiking trip I organized because I was having a Bad Time that ended up just being a Worse Time instead

People everywhere around me saying "it's so hot being in a pool sounds amazing"

My partner still trying to bike and asking me along but I tried once and had a panic attack

Not being able to wear my favorite summer sandals because my toe is fucked up

3 x-rays and no one really knowing what exactly IS wrong with the toe

Worrying that my toe won't ever be the same and that mobility is gone forever

Trying to eat hella protein but not get any bigger because I'll probably cry if I have to buy new jeans

Trying to eat hella protein and realizing I really don't fucking like eating meat

Dealing with bills from 2 ER visits, an ambulance ride, multiple PCP visits and multiple visits with specialists

Making time in my life and work schedule around weekly specialist visits

My leg aching every night when I try to sleep but knowing I really need the rest

Arriving to the beach in 2.5 weeks and just crying uncontrollably in front of my partners entire extended family because the whole idea of being there and not really being able to enjoy it is extremely upsetting

My insurance company only sending me the way shittier medicated packing material which sometimes shreds to pieces when I try to remove it

My house just being an absolute disaster for the last 2.5 months but not having the mental and physical resources to really deal with it

Annoying everyone in my life complaining about any and all of these things so much that I'm a burden

My mother trying to give me horrible medical advice