#oh and i almost tripped down the stairs bc my knees were so weak from biking! so its like. mmm yes. i have to do everything myself.

[ificanthaveu]

Don’t Tell The RA || Shawn Mendes

Description: RA!Shawn asks for your help with studying for your final exam, but an RA should always expect the unexpected. 

A/N: Happy 1st day of my semi-not-really-ficmas! I’m positive I’ve used every winter/Christmas themed fic idea, but I scrounged together a few so here’s the first of the installment. These’ll probably all be pretty short (except for 1 probably bc i have a lot of ideas for it). Also.....if this gif doesn’t look like RA!Shawn trying to get his freshmen boys to stfu so they can start and end the hall meeting ASAP.

Word Count: 2.4k

You were the first person out of the room when your History professor dismissed you, meeting your awaiting roommate Micah across the hall. The two of you started walking back to your dorm without much of a word until she launched into how difficult her calculus exam is going to be.

“At least it’s related to your major. I’m about to fail a gen-ed,” you said as you rolled your eyes. “I’ve never liked History, and this is a literal nightmare.”

“Hey, only one more test, and we’re done,” she reminded you.

Before you could respond to her, you heard your name being yelled from behind you. The both of you stopped and turned around to see Shawn maneuvering his way in and out of people, his tall stature poking out from the rest as you smiled at him.

“Have you started studying for the final yet?” He asked as he fell into step with you and Micah, making your way out of the building.

You practically snorted with a head shake before you said, “Absolutely not. I’ve been so caught up in my biology classes that I’ve barely started looking at this. It’s not looking good for me.”

“We get it. You’re pre-med,” Micah mumbled before you elbowed her.

“Yeah, I don’t think I’ve cracked open the textbook since the first week,” he said.

“Oh, you opened yours? Mine’s still in the plastic wrap,” you said as proud as you could.

That earned a laugh from Shawn as he shook his head at you.

“You may be worse off than I am,” he said.

He paused for a moment, looking between you and where he had to turn to go to the freshman dorms, opposite campus from the junior ones.

“Would you wanna study tonight?” He asked.

You heard Micah choke on her breath as you prayed he didn’t hear it.

“Yeah, I definitely need it,” you replied.

“Can’t do it in our room,” Micah interjected quickly. “Josie is coming over for calc.”

“We can study at mine,” he said. “If that’s ok with you of course. We just might get interrupted by check-out questions.”

“Sounds just fine with me. I could never do what you do,” you said, looking up at him as he shrugged and looked away, the blush almost evident on his cheeks.

“Well, my room and board is paid for, so I’ll deal with throwing up freshmen in the bathroom at 2 am,” he said. “Does 7 work?”

“Sounds perfect,” you said as you turned to go towards your dorm. “See you then.”

Micah followed behind you as you began to cross campus, waiting until you were clearly out of earshot of Shawn.

“You really had to say we couldn’t do it in our dorm?” You asked as you gripped onto her wrist and she laughed. “Now I have to be extra alone with him.”

“That’s the point,” she said flatly. “Don’t act like you haven’t been staring at him all semester. That man is the total package.”

“And we’re studying together, nothing else,” you quickly pointed out.

“Well it may start that way but-“ you cut her off before she could finish.

“Don’t say something that won’t come true,” you said as you swiped into the building and walked up the stairs to your dorm.

“You wish it will though,” she said in a sing-song voice as you unlocked your door and pushed her in.

“So what are you wearing?” She asked as she whipped open your closet.

“I’m not changing,” you said.

Micah turned around and looked up and down at your sweatpants and sweatshirt with a look of disgust.

“Can you at least put leggings on and a clean sweatshirt? Maybe put your hair in a pony-tail instead of that bun that looks like it was slept in - scratch that - a bun that was slept in,” she said as she threw you a pair of black leggings and a school crewneck.

“This is ridiculous,” you mumbled as you changed.

“You’ll thank me later,” she called after you.

It had started snowing by the time 6:45 came around, and you began your trip across campus. You were regretting not wearing a jacket as you shivered and crossed your arms tightly around your chest.

The person at the front desk smiled at you as you made your way up to Shawn’s dorm, scanning the rooms for the one that said “Residential Assistant” on the front.

You knocked twice once you found it, rocking back and forth on your feet and trying to shake the cold. You glanced around at the winter-themed decorations around the hall before Shawn swung the door open.

“Hey,” he said brightly with that big smile that made you weak. “You look freezing.”

“I am,” you said as he welcomed you in. “Big mistake not wearing a coat.”

You scanned over his room quickly as he shut the door behind the two of you. He had white Christmas lights strung along his window, making for a beautiful reflection mixed with the snow. His overhead light was off, but the lamp beside his futon was on. It was surprisingly clean, but you attributed that to him never knowing when someone was going to need to talk to him.

Two mugs were situated on his desk in the corner of the room. He crossed the room and grabbed one and handed it to you.

“It’s mint tea,” he said. “Helps with studying.”

“Ah, of course,” you said, taking the mug and sitting on his, surprisingly comfortable, futon.

“And a blanket,” he said as he pulled it from the back of the couch. “Since you look like you might have hypothermia.”

“Thank you,” you said softly as you wrapped it tightly around your shoulders.

You pulled out your book and binder, flipping to the study guide that was handed out in class.

“Ok, where do you want to start?” You asked as Shawn pulled his slightly crumpled study guide from where it was tucked in his book.

“Well, I know nothing,” he said as he scanned over the paper. “Actually, I know one.”

“Which one?”

“The one he told us the answer for today.”

“That does not count.”

The two of you determined an order to study from as you kept his open textbook balancing on both of your knees, occasionally having to lean closer to the other to take a look at a passage.

Shawn skimmed the page, pointing at a passage and trying to explain it to you as you looked at him. You couldn’t hear a word he said as you watched how into the topic he got, using his hands to try to express his point. You sent the butterflies to the bottom of your stomach by taking a giant sip of the tea and moving onto the next question.

He asked you the next one, taking the textbook from you as you leaned an arm on the back of the futon. You glanced between him and the mini Christmas tree in the corner as you tried to explain it as best you can without the book as a crutch.

You looked back at him, his head cocked to the side and an interested look on his face. A few curls fell onto his forehead as he studied you. You tried to keep talking as his gaze was unwavering.

“Sounds right to me,” he said, his face dangerously close to yours as he also leaned his arm on the back.

“I honestly wouldn’t know,” you whispered. “Were you even looking at the book to make sure I was right?” You teased.

“I had something else I had to look at,” he said at the same volume.

You felt him lean in as you did the same. You could feel his breath fan over your lips as your hand rested on his knee.

Three solid knocks sent you flying away from each other.

Shawn cursed under his break as he stood up and swung the door open quickly.

“What?” He said to the kid in front of him, who was significantly shorter than Shawn.

“Kevin knocked over the-“ he paused as he saw you watching from across the room. “Oh, sorry, Shawn, I didn’t realize you had a girl over.”

You choked on your sip of tea as Shawn shoved the kid out the door and slammed the door behind him.

You pulled yourself together as you could hear Shawn’s muffled voice through the paper-thin walls.

“Why the fuck would you say that with her right there?” He said.

“I didn’t know! I would’ve gotten the RA on duty if I knew you were on a date,” the kid yelled back.

You could hear Shawn huff and could imagine him tugging at his hair.

“It’s nothing, Cade. It’s literally nothing at all,” Shawn said quickly. Your stomach dropped.

“It didn’t look like nothing,” the kid - Cade - teased back.

“Just tell me what’s going on, so I can study, which is the only thing we were doing,” he trailed off as you could hear the two of them walking down the hall.

You tried not to let yourself get too disappointed as you half packed up some of your stuff, not wanting to overstay your welcome if he didn’t see anything here. You felt yourself begin to overthink, wondering what would’ve happened if he kissed you. If he just wanted something quick before break, a finale to your semester together in class.

You waited patiently, your chin resting on your knees as you tried to look at the study guide with no luck.

The door swung open once again as Shawn came back. He shut the door behind him, running his hands through his hair as he looked over at you, noticing nothing but your study guide sitting out. He felt his stomach drop but didn’t say anything.

“Ok, where were we?” He said as he sat down again, dangerously close as his thigh grazed across yours.

Your breath hitched as he looked over at the study guide in your lap, looking at your one newly highlighted point.

You looked up at him as he asked you a question on the point. It was obvious he was looking at your lips.

You tried to answer the question and steady your shaky voice, but he leaned closer. Before his lips had the chance to press against yours, you rested your hand against his chest.

“Shawn…” you trailed off. “I can’t.”

“I’m so sorry,” he quickly said. “I didn’t - I thought - I’m sorry, I thought there was…” he trailed off as he tried to motion between the two of you as he leaned back.

“I just,” you paused as you let out a breath. “I really don’t want to be a one-night thing before you go back home.”

“Why would you think that?” He asked, an upset look clearly on his face.

“It’s nothing. It’s literally nothing at all,” you quoted him as you played with the edge of the study guide.

He looked at you confused as you looked down at the page, trying to distract yourself.

“Why would you say that? I don’t think this is just nothing,” he said.

“Shawn, these walls are paper-thin,” you snapped as you looked up at him. “I heard you telling the kid that this was nothing, and I don’t want nothing. So I’m stopping it here.”

He rubbed his forehead softly as you tucked your study guide into your binder, opening your backpack to put it away.

“I’m not going to tell one of my residents that he just interrupted something,” Shawn said quickly. “They’re my residents. I’m not about to tell them about my love life. I didn’t know you’d hear that. I swear I don’t think this is just nothing. I just don’t want them to know that stuff about me. There’s no reason to. I’m so sorry if it came off as any other way.”

You watched him continue to get flustered as he stayed relatively close to you, his hand almost hitting your shoulder as he spoke.

“I’ve been crazy about you since the beginning of the semester. I don’t just want to kiss you and forget,” he explained, leaning close to you again.

“Really?” You asked softly.

He smiled back at you, his hand almost resting against your shoulder as he draped it against the back of the futon.

“Really,” he replied.

This time when he leaned in, you let him kiss you. His hand enveloped the side of your face as you rested your hands gently on his chest. He tugged on your hip, and you followed his lead as you climbed onto his lap, smiling into the kiss as his hands stayed planted on your hips, gripping into your sides.

You pulled back before pecking his lips once more, leaning your forehead against his so you could see his big smile.

You glanced outside to see the snow getting worse as you let out a sigh.

“I should get going,” you whispered.

“But it’s a blizzard out there,” he mumbled as he pressed a kiss to your cheek. “And you don’t have a coat.” Another kiss at the corner of your lips. “Just stay,” he whispered as his lips met yours again.

“I don’t want to get us in trouble,” you whisper back.

“I know the RA. Don’t worry about it. I can pull some strings if he finds out,” he said with a cocky smile as you rolled your eyes, leaning in again.

“Won’t the residents know?” You mumbled against his lips.

“Let ‘em talk,” he said as his hand rubbed up your side, sending shivers across your body. “I won’t see them for over a month anyway.”

“Well, as long as the RA doesn’t find out, I think maybe I can stay,” you whispered as Shawn flipped you over so your back pressed against the futon and he hovered above you.  

“I’ll make sure he never finds out.”

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[lovelymaybankk]

midsummer - jj maybank

request - so can you do one where y/n is a kook /pogue like Kiara and they are at midsummers. JJ has a thing for y/n but she doesn’t know. Rafe and topper bring her alone in the Locker room to mess w her and have a reason to provoke jj. JJ comes in and tries to save you my fighting them, it is 5 against 1, so you help him fight and it rips y/n’s dress. Rafe talks shit and calls y/n a slut and finally y/n calms jj down after he wins the fight

a/n - I literally love this req actually sm wtf. its gonna be in lowercase again haha oopsies. and i changed 5v1 to 3v1 bc im cool

tw - swears, fighting, not necessarily a slow burn but it takes forever lol

w/c - 2.819

y/n sat at the edge of her queen sized bed, fingers running oh so carefully across the dress. the dress was a long, baby blue color which looked amazing with her eyes. the dress fell off her shoulders, a slit in the right leg. it fit her perfectly, complimenting her figure in the most amazing way. because of the tightness, she couldn’t wear a bra or else she may have died from how tight is was around her chest.

her legs dangled over the edge, barefoot trying her hardest to not touch the cold hardwood. the last place she wanted to go tonight was the midsummers party. but, growing up a kook life she had to go. thats the one thing about her life she hated. a kook.

a stupid name for being rich. she hated the title so much, that she had decided the past few months of her life to change. it happened the moment she met kiara.

“holy shit!” kiara ran across the beach, kicking sand up behind her. the two girls ran straight into eachother, falling backwards. y/n rubbed her forehead, looking up at the girl that she had crashed into. they looked at eachother the same way, realizing they somehow knew eachother. “you go to kook academy?” kiara finally spoke up, breaking the silence. and for a moment, she forgot what she was running from. y/n nodded, standing and helping the other girl.

y/n dusted the sand off her ass, looking back up at the girl. “kie! stop socializing with the kooks,” a boy hollered, running beside kiara and slapping her back before running again to two other boys. was it that obvious y/n was a kook?

“sorry about that,” kiara smiled to the obviously concerned girl. “thats my friend. hes a dick,” she whispered to y/n, which finally got a reaction from her.

“so, why’re you on the cut?” kiara asked, trying to start a conversation. 

y/n shrugged, arms crossing over her chest. “can’t stand my family anymore.” she laughed, rocking from the balls of her feet to her toes. she felt awkward, having necessarily nobody to talk to. she hadn’t lied when she said she couldn’t stand being with her family anymore. all they did was criticise her, saying she had to be more like her sister who had a bunch of friends. while y/n stood mainly by herself with maybe one friend.

kiara nodded, glancing back at the boys who were waiting for her. “hey, do you know how to surfboard?” she asked suddenly, catching y/n off guard.

“yeah, a little.” y/n shrugged, still rocking a little.

“wanna come with my friends and i?”

thats where y/n met the rest of the group.

ever since that day, y/n had joined the friend group. she didn’t fit in immediately. the boys weren’t a fan of her being there when kiara introduced her, but eventually they came around. one more than others. jj thought she was gorgeous, a funny girl who broke out of her shell. but, she was a kook. and jj hates kooks. so he would always pick arguments with her, but y/n never took them to heart.

they got along well. jj always shared his beers with her, knowing she can’t handle as much alchohol as him. he was the most protective of her than anybody, never letting her out of his sight. it wasn’t hard for the pogues to see that he had a crush. everybody but the two knew about it.

when y/n finally fit in, it was like she was always there. her and kiara both agreed on how much they hated the kook life, though there were some upsides, being on the run was a lot more fun.

controlling your own life. it was amazing. refreshing. just being free.

the memory made y/n smile to herself, standing from her bed finally to finish whatever she had left of getting ready. she was going for kiara. the girl finished her makeup, sliding on the sandals she was wearing and going down the spiral stairs. she finished putting her earrings and entering the car with her family. they rode in silence, entering together and eventually everybody left to do their own thing.

“kie!” y/n called from across the porch, running to the girl and embracing her. “i already know i’m not gonna make it her for long,” she sighed dramatically, getting a slap from kie.

“don’t worry, your boyfriend will be here soon enough.” kie teased, arm draping around the girls shoulder like jj’s had done so many times. y/n’s face flushed, hard to tell under the makeup she wore. “oh y/n, be safe. i don’t want you getting hurt,” kie continued to mess with the girl, making her voice deep as to make fun of jj.

“oh shut up kie. you act like i don’t see the way pope and you eye fuck eachother.” y/n retorted, shaking the girl off of her. this got a reaction from kie, the two fighting eachother while making fun of pope and jj.

“damn,” jj spoke to himself, quite loudly, walking towards the two girls. he wore a butlers outfit, hair somewhat slicked back but still messy and untamed. jj looked sexy, as y/n would think.

“see something you like?” kie gestured to y/n, making jj bite his lip jokingly.

“hell yeah,” his arm wrapped around y/n’s shoulder like kies had done earlier, making kie’s eyebrows raise. “how are you two enjoying the party?” he acted like a sever, pulling away from y/n as a group of kooks passed by.

“oh its amazing,” y/n joked, eyes batting aggressively to help convince the boy it was a joke. from behind jj, y/n spotted rafe, topper and their goons. her face pulled into a snarl, “bogeys two o’ clock.” 

jj turned, eyes rolling. “they look dumb,” he muttered, connecting eye contact with rafe before turning around. y/n hummed in agreement, kie doing the same.

“hey, i see pope,” kie pointed to the boy who was turned from the group. “i’ll be back.” she let out a brief smile, picking the edge of her dress up to move quickly towards the boy. this left jj and y/n alone, in a peaceful silence. 

jj smoothed down the button up he was wearing, looking up at the girl in front of him. he felt the note in his pocket, remembering why he was at the midsummer party in the first place. “i’ll be back, madam, i have to go give a note to princess kook.” he spoke in a posh accent, taking y/n’s hand into his own and pressing a kiss to the back of it.

y/n nodded, bowing respectfully at the boy and walking away in time with him. she went to the back, looking for her family. knowing she wouldn’t be able to find them, she weaved her way in and out of the many people and successfully entered the building. 

footsteps were behind her, but she ignored them. suddenly, a boy walks infront of her. hes much taller, dark skinned and y/n recognized him as kelce. her breath hitched, but she continued to walk, trying to go around the boy.

a hand grabbed y/n’s arm, tugging her backwards making her trip on her heels. “um, excuse me-” she tried staying polite but stopped when she saw rafe was the one holding her. seeing the boy made her writhe and try and free herself. “let me go!” she seethed, falling onto her ass.

rafe tsked, looking down the hall before shoving her into the mens bathroom. it was conveniently empty, which helped to bring a sick smile onto his face. topper followed in, while kelce took a moment before also entering.

outside, jj was looking around for you everywhere. he had given the note to sarah cameron, pushing past many people as he tried his hardest to spot you over the crowd. “kie!” jj called, spotting somebody he finally knew. “have you seen y/n?” he was worried. you never just disappeared without somebody. or at least without telling somebody. 

kie shook her head, not knowing. “last i saw she was inside.” she nodded her head towards the building, making jj sigh. jj glanced around, noticing he didn’t see the three dickheads either. this made his heart speed up. he tensed a little, ignoring whatever kie was saying and leaving to enter the huge building. 

and back inside, y/n was struggling to get out of rafes grip, being dragged around the dirty bathroom floors still on her ass. he gave her arm a rough squeeze, which will most definitely be leaving a bruise before dropping it. y/n hissed, recoiling back into herself in the far corner. topper and rafe stood above her, topper more uncomfortable rather than the boy beside him.

y/n looked at them, concern laced on her face.  “what do you want-” she hissed, her leg getting grabbed as rafe crouched to her height. he pulled her close to his body, her knee flush with the boys crotch. where the fuck is jj? the girl wondered to herself, pulling herself away from the boy.

jj ran down the long halls, opening every door to try and find the girl who he was looking for. finally he stopped to catch his breath, waiting outside of the womens restrooms. they wouldn’t be in there, he thought, but he might as well check. jj gathered whatever self esteem he had left, pushing open the door.

rafe’s hand slid up from y/ns calf to her lower thigh, making the girls stomach drop. topper crouched beside the boy, grabbing y/n’s wrists as she went to slap him away. she struggled against him, her mouth opening to scream but she felt like her mouth was dry. she felt empty, weak, trying hard to fight but she knew there was no way. kelce watched from behind rafe, giving y/n a look of apology, almost, before looking away. 

y/n regained her energy when she heard soft footsteps outside of the bathroom, letting out a shrill scream of help. it was cut short by a very rough- and non-consensual- kiss. she pulled away quickly, eyes filling with tears as she did so. her head slammed against the wall, sending a shock of pain through her head down her neck. when had she gotten so close to the wall? what are they gonna do to her? now her heart was racing, letting out a silent sob. 

jj heard the scream. he stopped, waiting to see if he could hear another. he rushed out of the womens bathroom, bursting the mens bathroom door open. he stopped, his ears turning red from anger quickly. seeing y/n in the corner, surrounded by three guys who he knew she despised made his blood boil. 

his anger got the best of him quickly. jj jumped into action immediately, throwing a punch across kelce’s face, catching him off guard. kelce hissed in pain,  clutching his cheek before quickly retaliating.

the fighting made rafe and topper release y/n quickly, the girl cowering in the corner in fear. there was blood flying around, staining jj’s shirt as he was obviously cornered. y/n cursed, standing as she watched rafe go to kick jj in the balls. she jumped onto his back, grabbing the back of his collar to choke the boy. he coughed, flipping the girl off with ease. he turned, kicking her shin roughly with a snarl.

jj’s arms were pinned behind him, topper punching his stomach and watching the boy double over in pain. kelce released his grip slightly, giving jj the opportunity to  reel his leg foreward, pushing it backwards into kelce’s crotch with whatever energy he had left. 

y/n stood quickly, her arm swinging, punching rafe across the face and hitting his jaw. the sudden burst of adrenaline gave the punch extra force, knocking the boy back and making him stumble. he snarled, lunging at y/n and knocking her to the ground, he held her down, tearing the gorgeous blue fabric she wore. 

anger surged through jj at the sight, topper going to hit him again. he dodged quickly, punching the boy in the gut and pushing him backwards into the wall. he threw atleast ten punches at the boys face and stomach, slumping down quickly with blood rushing from his nose and lip.

rafe ignored what was happening behind him, one of his hands caressing y/n’s face in a sick way. “you’d be much prettier if you weren’t such a fucking slut.” he hissed, slapping her across the face with anger. his face softened for a moment as he saw what he just did, but quickly returning to his normal resting bitch face.

y/n thought jj might’ve killed him. jj pulled rafe backwards, both of them stumbling before regaining their form. jj grabbed rafes collar, grabbing his jaw roughly. a surge of pain ran through rafe’s body, stopping him from fighting back. 

“you never. and i mean fucking never. call my girl a slut.” jj hissed, lifting his leg to kick the boy back. rafe fell, to tired to fight back. jj’s eyes looked at you, covering your chest where the tear was. he sunk beside you, anger still coursing through his veins.

“i’m so sorry i wasn’t there,” y/n could tell jj was beating himself up for no reason, it wasn’t his job to look after you constantly anyway. jj shook his head, feeling so terrible. “what’d they do to you?” he asked softly, seeing as the girl looked a little stirred up but not awful. 

“he tried touching me. but im okay,” y/n cooed, arms wrapping around the boy. she didn’t care about the tear anymore. her hands wrapped around the back of jj’s head, holding him close.

“i’m gonna kill him. i swear,” jj spoke as though the boy wasn’t close by, though he may have left at this point (they weren’t paying attention to the three boys they fought off). y/n shook her head, staying silent. 

“is there an issue, gentlemen?” a guard opened the door, catching the five in there off guard. y/n looked at him with wide eyes, covering her chest again. 

“no there... actually yes.” jj started, clearing his throat and wrapping his arm around the girl beside him.  “we were in here for um, destruction of property.” he came up with something, smiling at the guard and squeezing y/n’s side as to tell her to go along with it.

“yup. and these men were about to escort us out.” y/n continued, smiling cheekily as she glanced at the boys around her.

“which is what you should do,” jj stood, helping the girl up.

“escort us. out.” y/n wasn’t the best at lying, but the guard seemed to believe them. he led them out, rafe catching their attention again

rafe let out a sly cough, muttering the word ‘slut’ under his breath. jj turned, ready to throw another punch but y/n caught his arm and stopped him.

“he isn’t worth it,” y/n said softly, leading jj back outside.

after jj taking a shot from a random man, and y/n escaping the wrath of her parents, the pogues escaped the party and ran to meet john b. y/n and jj stayed back, not saying much. there was plenty of awkward silence between them, both wanting to say something about what just happened but they couldn’t. y/n wore the blazer jj had on earlier, covering her chest from everybody.

“so.” y/n stopped walking, jj following soon and looking at her.

“so?” he seemed confused, stepping closer.

“your girl?” y/n brought up what he said earlier, a smile on her face. jj’s face dropped, hoping she forgot he said that.

“i have no clue what your talking about.” jj shrugged it off, continuing to walk. he sauntered away, trying not to show his embarrassment.  

“wow, okay.” y/n laughed, running to catch up with him. “guess you won’t wanna be my boy then?” she teased, arm wrapping around his arm and latching them together.

“well, who said that?” jj’s face flushed, grinning cheekily at the girl. the smiled at each other, before bursting out into laughter. they were far behind the group, turning towards each other.

it seemed like there was a gravitational pull between them. y/n’s hands cupped his cheeks, pulling him into a short but sweet kiss. jj’s arms wrapped around her waist, pulling away from each other but shortly returning to each other again. they felt in that moment, like they were perfect for each other. and they were.

[athleisure-aesthetic]

This is a long post because I went on a few rants, but there are workouts and stuff in there, I promise ;) stay tuned for commentary on vanity sizing and non-scale victories!

April 13 Thursday’s workout was super speedy. Legs and a quick stretching NTC workout. I meant to do curtsy lunges to finish it out, but I was crunched for time and my legs were already burning from the seasaw lunges and step-ups because my bench was higher than a normal one would be. I always get kind of frustrated when my NTC workout ends up being a lowkey stretching one, because I use it to replace cardio for the day. I’m starting to think I should either do more than one or just do cardio anyway. At least I got in a nice half hour walk at lunch; it was much colder than I was expecting since the rest of this week has been so nice! Still pretty out tho. And my skull shirt is badass. The end.

Went to Whole Foods with Ani when I got home to get some goodies for the weekend, and really stuck to my list (which I was proud of, bc that store is a literal TRAP) which included chocolate milk as a post-workout fuel… ASK ME HOW HYPE I AM TO START DRINKING CHOCO MILK AGAIN!!! (very. obviously.) Also started growing a mini protein bar collection because now I’m terrified of not properly fueling post-workout, so now I’m going to have very little excuse not to, since these babies are extremely portable. Just throw one in ya workout bag, and there you go. Don’t even have to remember to get it from my lunch box. I’m finally trying RXBAR and a few Quest Bar flavors (shoutout to @runningwhilenotdying for the suggestion, ty girl!) for now, in addition to the Luna Protein bars I still have. Still going to have to try a few to find out which works best for me.

Legs / butt workout 3x each 15 reps weighted glute bridges, 10# 15 reps goblet squats, 10# 20 reps step ups, alt. sides, 10# 20 reps seasaw lunges, alt. sides 15 reps weighted lying leg curls, 6# 40 s wall sits 10 reps burpee + high jump alternating leg swing stretches instead of curtsy lunges bc I’m a wimpy bitch lol

Listening to: “Under You” by Nick Jonas

April 14 Today is the day John Mayer’s full album is out, something I realized halfway through Friday morning while working from home, so I blasted the FUCK out of it in my apartment and haven’t stopped listening since. Ani took the day off, so it was just me at home designing, which is literally what I wish every work day of my life could be. Making my own schedule, eating and working out whenever I want and not having to worry about when I’m going to finish, not having to talk to people lol.

I decided to workout around 11ish and had to do arms / upper body without weights, which was a bit challenging considering my weak wrists and lack of free weights. BUT I made it, and my wrists weren’t ded afterwards, so I guess I’m building up some strength? Plus check out my schweaty knees, aren’t they purty? It was a dec workout, so hype it. HOWEVER, in the middle of my last set, this awful ringing started in my apartment, which I identified as the fire alarm after panicking for like 2 seconds. Then there was this weirdo announcement in our hallway as if we were in a damn dorm, saying to evacuate asap so I was like o fuck ok let me get my things. Ran outside with my purse and a jacket, ran into the woman who legit hates me and Ani for being loud on the weekend two whole times (fuck her tho it was a Friday and Saturday at like 11pm get your panties out of your ass amirite) and she was like idk what’s going on I’m probably not going downstairs. I was like ????? um if there’s a fire I’m not dying so bye. So I ran down 8 flights of stairs to find no one in the lobby. Sick. It was a false. Alarm. Bc they’re doing construction right in front of the elevators. Motherfuckers. So I had to go back up 8 flights of stairs once I got the approval from the doorman. Thx for the cardio break, how’d you know I needed that? 🙄 Finished my set, worked for a bit longer, then showered and decided I was done working for the day lol.

It was pay day and I was bored so I kinda went a little nuts on a shopping trip. As usual, I mostly bought athleisure, buuuuuuuuuuut there are some significant things about this shopping trip that I must share.

1: I willingly purchased two pairs of athletic shorts. I do not wear anything but leggings to workout in, because I hate the way my legs look, and I usually feel much more mobile and flexible in leggings, even if it’s like 90 degrees out and July. But I tried on two pairs of black shorts, and could actually see myself not only wearing them like to bed, but like… doing active things in them, and being ok with seeing my legs. First #NONSCALEVICTORY o the day.

2: I not only willingly tried on a one piece bathing suit, I tried on two, AND I purchased one. Every person alive knows too well the personal torture of trying on bathing suits, especially in dressing rooms that have awful fluorescent lighting that does not flatter anyone. But for some reason I was in a good mood about my bod (perhaps after the shorts win), so I grabbed two suits and said to myself, fuck it, don’t feel bad about yourself, but do not get your hopes up. This could go great, or it could not. Don’t let this be a reflection of how hard you’ve been working. It might just not fit, that’s not your fault. BUT THEY BOTH FIT REALLY DECENTLY OK. The one was like bright red and v scandalous and tbh I did not have the boobs to fill out that sucker. So despite it fitting ok, I couldn’t go with it. But the other was stripey and rouchey and pretty comfortable, so I was like welp. I need at least one suit for the summer, and can’t picture myself using any of the ones from last summer, and I don’t feel like total crap in this. So. I bought it!

3: I purchased at least one thing of every size (S, M, L, and XL), which proves that sizing is fake and literally doesn’t fucking matter. I like all my tops a little baggy and all of my bottoms tight (except those shorts I ended up getting, but who knew I would even buy shorts…). That’s just my personal preference style-wise. I went to four different stores, and ended up getting clothing that fit me, but when I was ripping the tags off when I got home, I noticed that all the sizes were different. I bought a shirt from Uniqlo (AMAZING STORE, btw, never been before today) that was a size small, which is something I haven’t done in like literally maybe 7-8 years. I also bought a cropped sweatshirt from Marshall’s in XL, even though I thought it was a large when I bought it. Either way, it’s not like my body morphed mid-shopping trip. I was the same size all day, but the stores decided I was all over the place. This just makes me a, hate the fashion industry for forcing this imaginary 00 system and ideals of size-shaming on us, but also b, feel better about myself because I know that I can’t be reliant on just being one size. I used to think of my weightloss in terms of pants sizes. Like last Friday when I was wearing actual pants, they were 12s. But like. A 12 at one store could be a 16 at another, or an 8. I used to say, oh I just want to be down to a consistent 8. That would be the perfect amount of weight to lose. If I get there, I’ll know that I’m good. But I’m really starting to see that that number and that size doesn’t exist. There is no universe in which an 8 at every store will fit the same. So judging yourself on a system that’s literally impossible to fit into is just a recipe for hurt and shame. So now I’m just gonna grab any size that looks like it’ll fit. It’s still not fun to see a higher number, but that’s going to be a mindset I have to get myself out of, and this post is proof that it doesn’t matter. I want to base my happiness with my fitness on phyiscal progress: what I can DO with my body, not just how it looks in the clothes I inevitably have to wear. But today, for a few reasons, I felt really good, and I’m proud to have seen not only one, but a few non-scale wins. Hype it the FUCK up.

Whew. That was a lot, sorry. I almost feel like a doing a ~haul~ like I’m on some fashion youtube channel, I bought so many fun things. But whatever, I doubt anyone cares about that except me lolol.

Honestly sometimes I think I just like to buy some things because I’m happy they fit me, not because I need them or are in love with them. Is that weird? I feel like I’m a pretty specific shape (very short and curvy, but not curvy everywhere), so when I find something I actually think fits me, I usually just say, yeah I’ll wear this. I definitely am spending too much money that way, but it’s nice to feel like a lot of things are fitting me well for once.

Arms / upper body workout 3x each 20 reps shoulder taps, alt. sides 10 reps pushups 20 reps walk outs + twist, alt. sides 10 reps tricep dips 50 reps arm circles forward 50 reps arm circles backward 20 reps lat pull downs + shoulder squeeze 35s, 40s, 45s plank 10 reps decline push ups 10 reps burpee + high jump + 5 jumping jacks PLUS 8 flights of stairs when my fucking fire alarm went off and the elevator didn’t work 🙃

Listening to: “Burlesque” by Christina Aguilera OR the Voices in Your Head a cappella version, both are fun

April 15 I was hella nervous for my run today; 6 miles seemed like a lot to me, and after last week’s long run on the treadmill, it had been a while since I’d done a long one outside. The last time I finished a long run outside, I felt like death. So this time I wanted to be really prepared; I read some articles and youtube videos on how to run longer without like dying, and made sure to focus on my breathing and warmup. Once I left my apartment, I didn’t start my timed run for about 10ish minutes but still ran slow to get my legs ready. Then I did some of the moves from the videos, and set off. Today I went towards the art museum and Kelly Drive for the first time, which was definitely busy for a Saturday morning, but it was kinda gray out and mid-50s which is like perfect running weather. I felt really good for like literally the whole run, and I couldn’t tell if it was the new place, good music, or what, but I was surprised at how quickly the miles came and went. I stopped at 4.56 miles to take the picture in front of the art museum, walked briskly up the hill to the building, then ran the rest of the way on the rest of the Schuykill River Trail and back towards home. I finished a little ways away from home and was inspired by a boy who seemed to be blind or albino who was running with a small leash with a girl, and continued jogging all the way home. So I really totalled something like 7.10 miles and they felt GREAT which is INSANE for me. Like that’s so many miles. And I haven’t run that far in so long, and they actually felt GOOD??? Like who am I?

I rewarded myself with a cinnamon roll protein shake, a little more shopping (I ended up getting the black Nike Tanjuns for anyone who saw my post last night lol), and Chick-Fil-A nuggets for lunch. Was considering making this day a cheat day when I saw the Chick-Fil-A, but I was good and only got the nuggets. My resolve was tested when I saw a girl with a Rita’s cup right when I got home and I wanted to be like OMG GIRL WHERE IS THERE A RITA’s AROUND HERE???!??! But clearly I held myself back.

Guess that means more Easter chocolate for me tomorrow hayyyyyy

6.02 mi 10'20" min / mi

Listening to: “Hair” by Little Mix