#oh and 3M can die in a fire

[shallowseeker]

Is yours the kind of chronic illness you'll recover from? You definitely don't have to answer or give personal details, but I really hope you feel better!

No, it's okay. It's likely that I won't fully recover, but in the past decade, there have been WAY more treatments available that turn down the immune system and combat scarring. And yes, I'm much better, thanks!💖 In a nutshell,

my immune system malfunctioned after an infection, and now it attacks my body in big, big ways—with a tendency to damage the muscles and lungs!

My situation got even weirder because it started attacking my nerves and heart from 2020 onward, which ... usually ppl with my diagnosis, get respiratory failure, not overt heart issues. (Long story, but I got undiagnosed, then rebiopsied, then rediagnosed the same thing *with extra notes.) Anyhoo, the new developments impacted my mobility and stamina in even crazier ways than I was used to. (I have until recently worked a full-time job and pretty much spent ~5-6 days in a gym with an expensive physical therapist just to keep my body functional. Before, I had an acquired skeletal myopathy, but I was able to run a 5k in 42 minutes... I trained like an Olympian and while had to rest a lot more than most, I could do it!)

Now... I can't even manage one day a week of light activity. It's a big adjustment, even for me! I'm having to noodle on how to best manage it going forward. It's always this confusing situation of "Is this the primary illness, secondary damage, or the side effects of toxic medications?"

I'm doing a pretty good job if I do say so myself.

[threenorth]

TW; 3 weeks. Featuring months before.

Everything and Anything extremely triggering.

This is because i saw your video and it crushed me so if you wanted to see my year a bit more before this wrecking ball smashed..

28 days.

Sooooooooo hell on earth raganrock...

January I moved cities by February I started my new job in March i started getting my life sorted gym and all the things i couldn't like new glasses and new shoes and orophedics for my very flat feet. I remembered my old goals..

Go to university.

Get a good tech job.

Move to San Francisco.

Marry the girl.

I got the first two then it hit me my San Francisco was to be closer to you... Then marry you every goal i made was centred around you...

I started thinking how best to retalk to you but i thought id explore this later in the second half of April closer to May for that day we had in May years ago...

But it was the start of April it's a new month and it's Monday things were going good overall but the jenga game began... i hit new goals at the gym i can lift more than zero i was hitting 5's on my arms and 10s on my legs oh yeah small steps... so i decided to go out for a drink that week...

Friday April 9th i thought id make a song about the time I was loosing myself for the first time and repick up song writing again it's been a couple of years since I've put pen to page. That night I had been bullied in a bar, I herd you speak to me in a way you never had and i freaked out.

You told me to run.. Run fraz-run...

It it scared the living shit out of me but i knew i had to run and i disosated almost hit by a car but that didn't matter to me just to run from my past.

I got home alive but destroyed. I decided to research where you might be on social media and I looked on my instagram post to find your still tagged on that awful rock. I told you I don't think i was reday because i wanted to research more about how to be freinds with someone that you would do anything for...everything I read said i was still in love and i guess i was, it said i was in greif for the years prior and that probably was true. And ultimately I booked to see my doctor in the meantime.. I decided it was best i told you to Ingore me as I started feeling the truma of that night wasn't going away I felt the gun shot in my brain like the day i knew i had leave from you per say... I felt every laugh i herd brought me back to my childhood...

I asked my doctor for a mental referral my doctor said he would and gave me a pill to try help me sleep at night's with axeinty and depression all he can diagnose me with..i started drinking on the Fridays so one of those nights and some flashes of light in my eyes and everything came back to me. I should of called an abluance but i told myself i can do this.. I started feeling like I could die at any moment and you wouldn't know anything... Just that i told you to leave. In the meantime i got a cynical psychologist to help before my full assessment and he told me to write..so Write i did but i put it in the wrong places, i wanted you to know that i was thinking of you even when i said to Ingore me... I couldn't stop thinking about you... even the faintest laugh in the office sent me back to that bar where I was bullied and back to when i was a mere boy again everyday was hell and I couldn't do any thing about it so I thought this would hold me... one night on a fender bender i got a flashback from flickering lights and i told myself everything things seemed okay again I didn't feel the game of jenga had already begun before i noticed it started. I was told to wait and i was beginning to loose my hope... I wrote and and i wrote i fucking wrote to my fingers bled because that was the only relief he was trying to teach me mindfulness this was around the time second truma of seeing a lady being beaten up on the street and i could of been seconds earlier i might of helped more but i stood up to her whatever and told him to get the fuck lost i didn't care if i was beaten up because i don't like bully's i don't care who they are... I tried to shake off my truma but I was good but I remembered it because that's what i do... i had all my truma i bottled up and it started to unwind it's self... I tried to push though it again but this time after bottling 23/24 years of abuse and truma it couldn't fit... I went to the dentist and got two cavities to find the taste of blood in my mouth sending me through hell... But in my pain I felt your arm in my hand telling me everything will be okay and I remembered that awful trailer truma... I still hung on to keeping head strong but jenga doesn't wait for anyone and I was getting closer to worse.

As the days became weeks...the day got closer...i started loosing my mind... I ended up finding my emgercy folder on my computer about you in search of my old folder of you and my song lyrics of many years ago and my playlists i made you... I told myself I couldn't call this number now or never but I couldn't force myself to delete it either.

I told myself this was for emgercies... Little did I know what was coming next.

I remembered calling the emergency number i had for you because i wanted to hear your voice... Your voice it calms my seas and the tiktoks on repeat, the worse one was your poetry as it was the only bit of you that speaks to me in ways other things didn't. I don't remember much but... I made calls to people some you probably herd but the others you probably might hear that i tried to call a shelter and ask their pricing i was going to try to find out how to protect you even from me...

Around this time We had a delta lockdown, (I'm in Auck so level 3 atm) my weak 25mg pill couldn't save me from everything hanging on by that one last few blocks... i accepted my fate, i was felt i was due to die and i knew my time was running up...I had a breakdown on my way to get my injection while in the at risk group mental and physically yet i walked out of my house to get the injection and at the same time might as well risk my little bit of sanity i had to get my 25mg ap. I got my ap and poped one fast... About an hour later I then got my injection and felt nothing... Nothing at all No needle truma or no physical pain at all? I didn't feel a thing.... This scared the living shit out of me but i told myself it's the start of a new chapter... In the meantime I felt the burn... that i was on fire.. I've felt this before but it was gone in seconds this was constantly getting worse and i didn't know if i should go into the cold shower or what so i called an abluance. I called for an abluance they didn't want to come because i had mental health problems because of Asamtha with covid is pretty game over... I can only use 62 percent of my lungs anyway... They calmed me down and i went back to normality i thought but at work they told me to take it easy and i put my favourite album on ai and that tore me apart in ways I've never had it do it before... I poped my pills but it was to late i was about to topple. I started feeling good again but that's how the drug tricks you into normality... My polar opposite now i felt my death this was it I'm at peace i will die and that will be it, i ruined everything i made peace i was due to die my last words would be in my letters to you and how much i loved you.

I left because it was the only way i saw you becoming happy without me, i didn't see the signs you knew it but my demise never left I've been chronicaly depressed since 17... I wrote my last words out maybe one day yourd knock on the door to where i lived to find out i died. I called for an abluance on the second time they finally came out... August 28th...

I went to hospital, they had taken my blood i requested not to have a nerve block I wanted to see if I could feel anything i didn't feel it...I couldn't feel anything anymore I use to be super sensitive to pain now I'm thinking I'm the high pain torlance but I didn't have anything sharp to test my theory... And a promise to a girl never to self harm again. They wrote their notes was dismissed out from ed because i wasn't harm to myself or others with violence or self harm... Because i kept my promise never to self harm again since i kept my promise with you i never met a redline crisis in their opinion and were confused by my symptoms.

I started getting reday for my birthday trip to Auck which ultimately then became the time i might need to look how to store my stuff while I'm up here for medical..

I had to packup the little I could to come back to Auckland and now also sacrifice my apartment my work has been kind to me but i am spending 1700 on someone packing up my 3m x 4m box.

I want to send you money to help your endo but then all my savings had taken a hit too...

I sent $100 I sent the little i could risk to afford currently... I thought you knew it was me, the wallpaper of the stars of your blog... And the tfios... and then birthday wish from someone unknown to me made me confirm what i thought you knew... So i told you it was me... Then you typed out that message and it broke me... I wanted to come out to tell you that i was there to help but I forgot what you said before and that hit me and jenga collpase had happened....

I started my last letters... Many things were said but..

One is to that guy... I told him that if knew the girl i knew for 2 years while he had 6 years that i knew it didn't have to be a big ring, it could even be a pawn shop ring i told him to marry you.

all my words don't work... My brain is in fragments... And now all i do is the wrong thing...

it appears you do maybe read these.

I won't be writing here. I can't put more pressure on you, you already have enough to deal with but you want to know what kept me going it was the day I'd make you smile like i use to. But life doesn't go to plan... Or the one you might think...

All my plans led me to how I'd buy a log cabin and give you it and go back to my hole. Then i remembered that it was you and my log cabin i wanted all these years I've suffered without any help. Just to see you smile...

Everything i tried to do with all that i could was for you even if you didn't know it i know it, you only knew a bit of me... I never let anyone in not even you and the time i did i wanted you to know that i too am changing... But my plans for you...every single one to get back to my best even if it appears i never had that ever but everything was for the girl i loved...

Now we're going around the darkside of the moon.. I'm still waiting for a psych to drug me and help me to walk on my feet... Things are rocky here for the first time as i fight on because i know this soon will pass and we're getting closer to the day i will be me again... The punches keep coming but i can take them all... As i battle my first battles in your last battles when the light is dim... My secerts are everywhere if you notice my words... In my mental rambles on rk2 i talk breifly about grounding, and a totem but my shield protects me before it hits my core... I can do this all day.

I fight everyday because of my compass i hold close...

I am confused about many things..

but... I look in my mind where I see a girl, i see a log cabin in the woods coming home to her after being destroyed to rebuild myself again... In my log cabin cooking and watching art making art but I felt at ease that everything was going to be okay... This will be okay and am now closer to the day it would be okay .. But days became months and years... And the more i tried to remember her words to keep me to my goals... In my hard dark days of disoatision and psychosis my walls that look like her face... I wait to dream and drift off into my sleep i see the day i come home to my woodcabin and, she whispers to me...

She once told me,

everything will be okay.

He whispers,

Everything will be okay.