#oh ali imma find you girl

[ellewod]

— ”Do you think simply wearing the crown imbues you with wisdom? It was my hope that once enthroned, you would honor the burden of your new duties, be silent, and strive to learn from the more studied minds around you. In the hope that you might be half the king your father was. You should humbly be seeking our opinions and counsel.“

— ”What would you have me do, Mother?“

— ”Do simply what is needed of you: nothing.“

[kreativewritin444]

danger R.C

rafe and you get caught up on the boat. shit goes south

WARNINGS: cursing, abuse, mentions of dark shit, rafe

you all had a mission, now while jj and kie went to lock the door on the boat. you went to find sarah with your brother. you followed john b through the hall.

“where would she be?” you ask john. “ i dont know, uh- go down there! ill check up here. be careful!”

“Dont Die, bird.” You glare at him.

“You either, raven.” He used your nickname as well.

you walk off, trying to be alert as possible. you are on a fucking boat in the middle of nowhere with people who will kill you. you go to walk forward when you halt.

noise came from around the corner, “oh i hear you pogue.” rafe’s voiced called out. you freeze, you go to move back but slam into something.

fuck, the loudest noise you can make possible. yes lets scream ‘im right here!’

you go to run forward, but rafe steps out in front of you.

“y’n? that’s funny.” he lurches forward grabbing you. you push back, almost slipping on your ass.

“i don’t have time for your crazy ass.” you elbow him in the ribs. your mission was already made.

rafe punches you in the face, your head jerks back. oh he stuck the shit out of you. You felt dazed as hell.

you whimper as he grabbed your shoulders. “you should not have came here, y/n”

“Not like I really had a choice.”

your hands fumbled with your pocket knife; you somehow managed to bring with you. You secretly slip it out.

you slice at his arm, stumbling backwards. Rafe hisses grabbing the small cut.

“stay the fuck back!” you hold out the knife, trying to seem threatening.

rafe laughs, a dark look on his face.

“you dont see do you? i did this! i got the gold, i-i got the-the cross. me!” rafe ranted, you wince. rafe can fucking swing. Your head was pounding.

“you didn’t get shit! you stole it, along with your murderous father!” you scream, you grab a random tool beside you throwing it at rafe.

Rafe dodges the object as you run away. Him hot on your tail.

you manage to get to the side of the hall, leading out towards the edge of the boat.

“you can’t get away that easily, fucking pogue.” rafe grabs me from behind.

He holds you close to his chest, “I was nice to you. You caused this.” He grabs me by the back of the head.

“no! st-” he throws me against the railing. my head bouncing off the side. jesus imma have a fucking concussion.

You roll over onto your hands and knees. Your head spinning, you try to grab the railing.

“where’s the rest of your dirty little group?” He squats down to your level.

“wouldn’t you like to know.” you spit the blood in your mouth at his face.

He wipes it off, glaring at you. He pulls you up harshly.

you dont have the knife. It dropped when he threw you. you frantically search the ground. Everything is doubling, you couldn’t see straight.

Behind him, it laid a few feet away. You try to keep the sob in but a few whimpers escape.

“I’m not here for you!” You cry out. “Let me the fuck go.”

“I know what you are here for. You are a thief! Trying to steal what is mine.” He slams you against the wall.

“I have to do what I have to do.” He stares down at you. Like a switch flipped. You stare at him in fear.

“Rafe.” You try to push away.

“no, hel-” he grabs you by the throat. you knee him in the balls, allowing you to drop to the ground. you reach for the knife but rafe pulls your leg.

you kick him in the face grabbing the knife. “back the fuck away!” you scream, tears running down your face.

rafe wipes the blood from his nose. you shake, where is everyone?

“you wont stop me y/n. i will do this. i am stepping up!” he raises his voice.

“i am the man now.” he points at me. he walks forward as i back up. his hands move for the knife.

you swing it forward but rafe grabs your wrist. he throws the knife overboard.

“so what? you gonna be your old man? you gonna kill me rafe?” you push at him. He was just like his father.

you were sobbing at this point, “do it! do it, fucking kill me. right? like your dad killed my dad. god you fucking monster.” you pound at his chest.

rafe stares down at you, his expression faltering. He stops for a split second, silence.

“guys hurry!” you hear voices from the deck. Fuck no. rafe can not get to them.

you shove rafe against the railing. your hands trying to push him over somehow. You struggle against his strength.

rafe grabs you by the throat. cutting your air off. “i didnt want to do this, y/n. look at what you made me do.”

His eyes stared into yours as you couldn’t breathe. Rafe was mad, he just squeezed. You clawed, kicked. Nothing was stopping him.

He really was going to kill you.

your legs folded, rafe finally letting you go. he rushes off to the others as you lay on the ground heaving.

you struggle to push yourself up. Your throat sore, struggling to maintain a breathing pattern.

finally after catching your breathe you run to the other side of the boat, seeing jj and kie struggle with a man with a machete.

“kie duck!” your hoarse voice yelled out, as you forward knocking the guy back. You step across helping jj to his feet.

His eyes on your face.

“Watch out!” Kie yells. The guy hit jj in the back of the head, his body falling into yours. You both topple over the side of the boat.

The waves pushed you around, before you were finally able to surface. JJ was a few inches away face down. Fear hit you like a truck, you swam forward pulling jj onto his back.

“JJ! Y/N” A voice yelled before a splash hit the water. Kie surfacing. She swam towards you as you held him up.

“Kie! He won-“ you spit water out. “He won’t wake up”

Kie helped grab the other side of him, struggling to keep us and him above surface.

“Please wake up.” You sob. If he doesn’t wake up we are all gonna drown.

“We are gonna make it. We won’t die.” Kie struggled out. You hope she was right.

“Help! John B!” Kie yelled out. You struggle to maintain my head over the water. With your last effort to keep him afloat along with you.

“I’m sorry.” Kie sobs making eye contact with you. You know you both were about give out. The waves are strong, and you both can’t keep jj afloat much longer.

“I’m so sorry, I-“ the wave pushed you under. You stared up at the sky. Water floating around you. It was silent for once.

Was this how my dad felt? Being pushed over board. Being hit in the head, maybe rafe didn’t do it himself. But this get like déjà vu. Everything starts to fade.

Next thing you know, your body is being pulled out the water.

“Y/n!” You felt your body shake.

“Please.”

You jolt up, throwing up sea water. You felt awful, your head was pounding. The sun was bright, and you’ve swallowed a gallon of sea water.

“You okay?” Your brothers face comes into view. Your vision felt doubled but you were alive.

You pull him into a hug, sobbing into his shirt. “Oh my god.”

You glance over seeing jj still unconscious. You threw yourself away from your brother.

“JJ!” You shake him. “Why isn’t he waking up?”

You stare at Kie who was in the same state as you. “JJ please, please don’t leave me.” You sob against his chance.

“Not yet.” Your voice breaks.

jj comes to, water spurting out his mouth. You let your hand rest on his shoulder. His eyes following up towards yours.

“Hey.” He says.

You laugh, shoving his face softly. “I was so scared.” You hug him softly.

You lean back as Kie rushes forward to hug him as well.

I glance around at everyone. “I am so glad y’all are ali- wait. Who’s this?” Your eyes land on a new girl.

“This is Cleo, the one who helped us in the Bahamas.” Sarah spoke up.

You nod. “Welcome to the family, Cleo.” You smile at her.

You sit back, as y’all make way to the island closest to you. You almost died, not once but twice. Tears slipped out but you quickly wiped them.

You were just grateful everyone was alive.

[lils-of-the-valley]

Welp, I was unaware that Lie was out until 10 minutes ago, so I guess I’m watching it instead of doing uni work! Time for a reaction! (Y’all tell me if you rather me put my reactions under a cut or something. I know long posts are sometimes a pain to scroll by)

The theme song really did change and it kinda slaps 

Ay! Tikki hype Mari up! Also love that the kwamis are just floating around Mari’s room

 Of course a documentary on Adrien’s life pops up

what the fuck does “Can you redo it but a little more orange” mean??? I know it’s to make it sound ridiculous, but still

Lol “Imma pop in my phone, make it sound like I’m playing piano and peace out of here” Like imagine if his phone bugs and just music that Nino sent to Adrien starts playing full blast, so Natalie or Gorilla come and check and find Adrien gone (I would suggest Gab goes to check, but we all know he doesnt care enough about his kid)

Plagg about to eat his cheese and just get sucked into the ring without having gotten to eat

Oh no, Buginette isn’t there :(((

OH NO! CHATON IS LEFT ALONE

Aw, he’s humming the theme song

He’s so sad but also so supportive and understanding

Chat stans! 

Ok, but his message thing whatever is so funny! “No message but don’t forget my cheese!” (It’s funnier in french because it rhymes....)

Fucking banana man and Mr. Pigeon 

Chat is so bored and sad 

Lol, Chat goes to the hotel bar for a glass of milk

Everyone asking about Ladybug, but no one asking about him

Lol, Chloe, wtf

“After a moment of refection, I’m actually gonna take a double milk” babe, where are you learning this? Where are you learning this kind of language? Aren’t you sheltered? 

Also, this kitten is really desperate to see his Lady, wishing for an Akuma

KAGAMI BABYYYY

Plagg ships Adrigami 

Lol, Gab and whatever Mrs. Tsurugi’s name is blaming each other when its all Kagami who wanted a moment to herself

KAGAMI DRAWS OMG THATS SO CUTE

Adrien modeling for her (from her request) 

LOL KAGAMI “Drawing you is easy because you’re beautiful, but I want to draw the real you, the person within” Loving that confidence 

The glare when he poses as Chat

“No, that’s you when you’re fooling around” “Maybe when I’m fooling around is when I’m truly me?” Chat is who Adrien really is confirmed 

KAGAMI BABE WHAT ARE YOU DOING SO CONFIDENT 

Interrupted Adrimi kiss.... obviously

Cute kissies 

Wait, is this- YES!!! YEET THE KITTY! SAME TIME AS TRUTH

Oh, the truth parallels (or repeating scenes?)

That’s a weird place to have a kiss? Through cars?

Oh no, he dropped the Mari charm. 

Kagami’s really putting his heart out there

“Do you also like me?” Oh baby :((( 

“To tell the truth, it’s only with you that I have this much fun” is such a cute and sad line (I love Kagami and I hurt for her the same way I hurt for Luka in Truth)

Kagami, baby, I dont think about being liars is a good thing. Like I get why you lie, but I wouldnt pride myself with the fact that both you and Adrien are liars

Oh, there it is “I lie to spend time with you. You lie to not spend time with me”

That dramatic angle on Adrien 

Fuck Gabriel Agreste

Jagged Stone is more loving to Prince Ali than to his own kid.... 

Kagami is just eating everyone with white light 

Chat lying is giving up a lot of info on him. Like how he hates béchamel cauliflower (which is amazing, btw)

  Lol, they gonna use Fang to eat Kagami (or the akuma item) 

Chat sacrificing himself is so dramatic omg

“No! Chat Noir! Don’t do that! You’re crazy!” “Yeah, crazy for you” cue the dramatic drop to his death

Bro, is the cat road kill? He just splat on the ground

I don’t know how Fang actually hit the charm, but like... good for LB

LB isn’t happy about the sacrifice but Chat finds angry LB adorable so he won’t stop 

Kagami is pissed at Adrien omg, girl is going hard 

Oh. Lukanette at least stayed friends. Adrimi are totally done with each other

Ok, overall reaction. This one was wild. I loved it from start to finished. I really liked the Truth clips, showing how they overlap. I love how much we learned about Kagami. I actually love her intensity. Will her black and whiteness bite her in the ass some day? Probably if she stays like that all her life, but she’s like 15, so she has time to grow. But I really like the contrast between her and Luka, how she’s so intense and he’s so chill. I think they would benefit hanging out together. So I loved this episode a lot and it had some really good lines! 10/10! 

[cake-in-a-tin]

welcome to our mayhem

hi! Welcome to my first attempt at a text fic, idk how good it ‘tis, but let me know what you think! (lils-Lily, burgerz-Mary, queen-Marlene, wonderland gurl-Alice, dork-Dorcas)

tHe BaEs

Lils: yo dudes

Burgerz: waddup

Lils: imma add this girl who’s joining tomorrow if that’s ok - we’re old friends from like nursery

Queen: sure, is that dorcas meadowes ?

Queen: I think I’m her tour guide or some shit

Wonderland gurl: sorry I was sleeping

Wonderland gurl: what did I miss

Queen: wHaT dId I mIsS

Queen: hEaDfIrSt InTo A pOlItIcAl AbYsS

Burgerz: i been in paris meeting lotsa different ladayys

Wonderland gurl: I guess I practically missed the late eightaysss

Queen: travelled the whole wiiideee world and came back to this

Lils: pleeeeassse not again....

Lils: mar I thought you were on my side???

Queen: sorryyyyyy

Queen: I couldn’t resist it

Queen: it was perfect!

Wonderland gurl: it was indeed. I set you up fuckin perfectly u are very much welcome biatch

Burgerz: *slow claps in appreciation*

Lils: anyways imma add this girl now, she is dorcas mar and she’s lovely so be nice!

Lils added Dork

Lils: welcome to our mayhem love 

Dork: hii 

Lils: shall we all like introduce ourselves?

Queen: k, I’m first

Queen: hello, I am Marlene McKinnon, and I’m your stupid tour guide thing that Dumbledore thought was a good idea

Burgerz: hi, I’m Mary MacDonald (hence the name) and I’m very bad at maths, which is also my only personality trait

Wonderland gurl: hello there, my name is Alice Fortescue (don’t try and spell it it took me almost seven years of my life) and I have a fucked up sleep schedule tm

Lils: everyone knows me uwu 

Dork: okay, im Dorcas Meadowes, and I’m just a bi disaster haha

Queen: lol mood

Wonderland gurl: oh btw dorcas we are all lgbtq+ soo 

Dork: okay cool 

Queen: ya, I’m gay, lils is pan, mary is aroace and alice is queer

Wonderland gurl: yh I’m figuring it out but ik girls are pretty as well so :)

Dork: can relate lol

Wonderland gurl: I should probably sleep it’s school and I haven’t slept properly in like three fuckin daysss

Queen: gurrrrllllll omg u r gonna dieee tomorrow

Wonderland gurl: ik im scared and it’s only seven thirty but i will sleep like four and a half hours of that because I just watch netflix aaahh

Burgerz: just gooo Ali, otherwise u will regret everything

Wonderland gurl: k byeee bitchez

Lils: bye

Queen: bye love

Burgerz: cheerio

Dork: bye I think?

Lils: we're all a mess, u get used to it dw 

Lils: also Mary can u get anymore stereotypical British omg

Burgerz: I’m sorry babe it’s in my natureeee

Queen: lol

Queen: I ghibhjfyfvbss

Dork: r u ok?

Queen: a frickin moth bro 

Queen: it attacked me and I’m scared because I didn’t see where it went

Lils: I’m rooting for you love

Queen attached a video

Burgerz : omg I’m dyingggg your voicem u sound so scared

Queen: lmao I was scared for my life if I’m being honest 

Dork: ahahahaha I’m laughing out loud and my cat is just looking at me like wtf is wrong with you human

Queen: u have CAT???

Burgerz: you have a cat? I must see him

Queen: lol we are on the same wavelength haha

Burgerz: ✨soulmates✨ Burgerz: but like platonically lol

Dork: here is mouse

Dork attached a photo

Queen: vvffdyujcndh 

Queen: so fuckin adorable

Burgerz: I LOVE him

Lils: I’ve seen him before and I love him, but I don’t think I ever asked - why mouse?

Dork: lmao we just thought it would be ironic

Dork: also he’s never caught a mouse or anything else in his life because he’s too damn lazy

Queen: omg I relate to mouse so much lol

Dork: honestly same 

Lils: dudes we should probs sleep if we want to be beautiful for school

Queen: ugh sleep is so overrated 

Queen: but yeah...

Lils: bye xxx

Burgerz: adios 

Dork: byeee

Queen: see yall tomorrow

Private message: Lils + Queen

Queen: yo, quick question

Lils: shoot

Queen: what does dorcas look like?

Lils: ummm idk, why?

Queen: eh no reason

Lils: she’s black, short dark brown hair, gorgeous blue eyes

Queen: so cute?

Lils: hell yeh

Queen: oh god save me

Lils: yh u will need prayers

Queen: aaaahh 

Queen: well gn 

Lils: night xxx

tHe BaEs

Wonderland gurl: good morning!

Queen: no it is not

Lils: I’m dyingggg cancel schools pls

Wonderland gurl: I slept fuckin amazingly last night soooo :)))))))

Dork: hjeicnefskd 

Dork: I can’t 

Queen: oop me neither mornings are my least favourite thing ever 

Lils: uggghhhhhh 

Lils: sooo jealous of Mary

Dork: why?

Wonderland gurl: she lives rlly close to school so she wakes uo super late and just walks

Dork: wow luckyyyy

Lils: ikrrrr

Queen: I want to sleep

Wonderland gurl: no! remeber what happened last time you were late?

Queen: oh god don’t remind me

Dork: do I even want to know?

Queen: nkt really lol

Queen: lily u tell it I need to shower

Lils: okayyy

Lils: get ready for a fuckin wild ride babe

Lils: so, we have this teacher called McGonagall and she’s the single most terrifying yet amazing person ever to teach us

Wonderland gurl: and that’s saying something trust me

Lils: she’s pretty chill until u do something that pisses her off. And one thing that pisses her off is people being late. Marlene was late because she couldn’t get her lazy ass out of bed, and she came into form time like ten minutes after the bell rang. as you can imagine, McGonagall was not at all pleased at this, and proceeded to give mar a lecture in front of the whole class and then give her detention for a whole week. Before school.

Wonderland gurl: Marlene looked sooo tired the whole week

Dork: wow, that is ✨brutal✨ Dork: remind me never to be late

Lils: will do x

Wonderland gurl: we have to remind Marlene every once in a while of the ‘‘incident’ to motivate her to get out of bed

Queen: I’m back dudes 

Queen: so you see dorcas that is why I am never ever late anymore because that week was absolute hell I am not going through again.

Queen: ever

Dork: honestly I’m scared to meet this teacher lmao

Wonderland gurl: nah she’s actually soo nice unless you get on her bad side

Burgerz: heyyyy

Lils: maryyyy

Dork: hello!

Burgerz: so, everyone ready for school?

Queen: pretty much, I’m on the train rn

Lils: same, I’m opposite her

Dork: oooh I am also travelling by train I will try to find u guys 

Queen: we are right at the end, if I see you I will scream ‘cheese’ as loud as I can

Lils: noooooo please, can’t embarrassing us in public wait at least a day

Queen: nope

Dork: u don’t even know what I look like lmao

Queen: I will know

Lils attached a video file

Dork: lmao i was terrified

Queen: it worked though 

Wonderland gurl: I’m so glad I get the bus and don’t have to endure this

Burgerz: wow. How are you not embarrassed Marlene?

Queen: idk, I guess I don’t care what oriole think lol

Dork: rEsPeCt

Dork: also please never again

Private message: Lils + Dork

Dork: LILY WHY DIDNT YOU TELL ME MARLENE WAS ACTUALLY SO BEAUTIFUL IM DYING 

Lils: lmao sorry

Private message: Lils + Queen

Queen: oh god u were right she’s so hot helppppp

Lils: I’m praying 4 u

hii! I hope that you liked this mess, I’m probably going to continue it, so yeah, let me know what you think?

[susiequaz12]

Fish- 16: Marooned

Oh my gosh, I’m back! It’s back. And about time. I had a surgery right towards the end of May, I’ve been preparing to move, a lot’s been going on and I found I wasn’t able to write for a bit. Even though it’s almost July, it didn’t feel right to leave this unfinished. So here’s part 16 of @amonthofwhumps May challenge. Imma still add the tags for my own sake. And Imma probably post multiple parts together but I wanted to get this one posted at least. So last we left off:

“ Using every single ounce of strength that he head left, he swung himself backwards, before lurching forwards. He groaned out with the force it put on his stomach.

It wasn’t until about the fourth or fifth try that the chain snapped behind him, and he tumbled into the open waters below.”

So here we go again!

CW: Uhhh, not much. Some blood, dehydration and sickness stuff.

- - -

There was sand.

And there was warmth.

It was fresh on his face, with a slight breeze tousling his hair. His arms and shoulders felt heavy, but he didn’t move.

He wiggled a toe, followed by a finger. 

Muddled voices clouded his ears, but he couldn’t make out a word they were saying. He felt vibrations in his throat, followed by raging pain, as a soft groan came out of his mouth.

“Guys… I think- he’s awake.”

“Is he?”

The boy groaned again, followed by a few more gasps and some more muddled speaking, until he felt bright lights coming into his eyes, and he cracked them open.

“He’s awake!”

“Oh my gosh he’s alive- that’s what the heck guys…”

The first thing Fish registered when he opened his eyes was the massive amounts of sunlight that bore into his skull. The second thing was the group of what looked to be younger teenagers peering over him. His brow furrowed as he tried to make out their faces, but everything was kind of a blur. He tried to pull himself to a sitting position, using his hands to push himself up.

“Woah, woah guys, give him space. Hold up.”

The boy’s hand went up to his face, rubbing the light out of his eyes until they adjusted to the brightness. He heaved out a series of coughs that left his lungs burning, and spat out some saltwater. Once he could see clearly he noticed about four people crowded around him. Two girls, two boys. None of them could have been any older than sixteen. He looked down and finally realized that his hands were no longer tied behind him, ankles no longer bound, and the lengths of chain were removed. He glanced to the side and saw it all in a heap, lying in the sand. A shaky hand carefully went up to his neck, where the cold metal of the giant fishhook was still residing. He sighed, followed by another series of coughs.

Almost immediately after, he was bombarded with a series of questions. 

“How’d you get here?”

“Where’d you come from?” 

“Are you okay, what-”

Fish cut them off with one word that he coughed out in a shaky breath.

“Ph-Phone.” 

“What?” 

“Do you have a phone?” He repeated.

One of the older looking boys turned to the younger one. “Hey, give him your phone.” The boy looked as in protest when one of the girls turned and handed him her phone, unlocking it for him.

Fish barely mumbled a thank you as his hands fumbled with the cellphone, searching through the apps to find the keypad to dial her number. It’s a good thing he had it memorized. There were four numbers he had memorized. His dad’s office, hers, his own, and their friend’s. Hers was the most important right now, as his dad probably wouldn’t be of any help.

The kids scattered away to give him space and he stumbled to his feet as he struggled to dial the numbers. He walked until he was a good distance away, staggering and limping on heavy legs and swollen ankles. It took a few tries before he entered the digits correctly, his hands fat and heavy, fingers shaking.

“Hello?” 

Oh it was so good to hear her voice.

“Who is this? Hello?” 

It took him a few seconds to register that he needed to say something before she spoke again. “I swear if this is a telemarketer…” 

“Ali-”

She paused, the phone going silent. The boy found an outcropping of rocks, by which the water was casually lapping at. He crashed to the ground, leaning against them. 

“Ali it’s-”

“Justin?” 

He nearly cried. It’d felt like ages since someone had called him by his name, treated him like a person. “Ali, I- I’m”

“Justin, oh my goodness thank God, what happened?” Her voice tried to remain calm but he could tell she was frightened, he’d heard that tone of voice far too many times. “Justin, it’s been nearly a week since you called, I know you’re on vacation, but a whole week, are you okay, what happened?- I-”

He cut her off before she could ramble anymore.

“Ali- I, there was, I fell asleep, and then there was this boat, and poachers, and they were going to find out and I couldn’t so they, they-” He tried to catch his breath but his mind was racing, he needed to explain before he couldn’t, needed to get home. “They tried to- there was, there was rope, and chains, and they- and fishhooks, and- and- and I tried, because they couldn’t find out Ali, I don’t know what would happen, but I fell, and I washed up here- and they’re gonna come find me, and I-”

He was cut off by a fit off coughs that racked through his body. When he was done he couldn’t breathe. The taste of saltwater and bile caught in his mouth.

“Oh my gosh, are you okay? What happened, Justin, you’re not making any sense- oh gosh, I-”

“I’m, I’m okay, I think. I will be? They can’t come find me again. They won’t let me go, they, they’ll” His eyes darted about, frantic, landing on the short piece of rope that was still attached to the fishhook around his neck. “Oh crap.” 

“What is it? Justin what is it?”

“It’s the, the-”

“The what? Justin, what is it.” 

“The fishook.-”

One hand held the phone while the other gripped the large hook, that was still stuck around his throat. His breathing got faster as he felt the parts where it dug into his skin, the caked blood and tenderness of his neck. 

“A- A fishhook?” She stated. “Justin, oh my gosh you need help. Where are you? Justin-”

His hand shook as he gripped the fishhook tighter, trying to see if it would budge. He needed it off. As soon as possible. He couldn’t breathe. He could barely think, his mind was racing so fast. 

“Justin where are you?” She stated again.

He glanced around with tired eyes. Aside from the anxious kids watching him from a distance, there was nothing but sand, water and sky, as far as the eye could see.

“I- I don’t know.”  

[bboyplankton]

2019 Playlist

1. A$AP Ferg & MadeinTYO – Wam

2. Action Bronson & The Alchemist – Arnold & Danny

3. Action Bronson & The Alchemist – Descendant of the Stars

4. Akon feat. Skales – Control

5. Akon feat. Olamide – Scammers

6. Alex Isley – Colors

7. Amaal – Coming & Going

8. Anderson .Paak feat. Andre 3000 – Come Home

9. Anderson .Paak feat. Smokey Robinson – Make It Better

10. Ari Lennox – I Been

11. Ari Lennox – Up Late

12. Ariana Grande – fake smile

13. Ariana Grande – in my head

14. Arin Ray feat. Kehlani – Change

15. Arin Ray - ZZZ

16. Asiahn – Like You

17. Asiahn – NOLA

18. August Alsina – Forever and a Day

19. August Alsina – For You

20. Baby Rose – Mortal

21. Beyoncé, Jay-Z & Childish Gambino feat. Oumou Sangaré – Mood 4 Eva

22. Big K.R.I.T – Blue Flame Ballet

23. Big K.R.I.T – Energy

24. Big K.R.I.T – M.I.S.S.I.S.S.I.P.P.I

25. BJ the Chicago Kid feat. JID, Buddy, & Kent Jamz – Get Away

26. Blackbear – Sick Of It All

27. The Black Keys – Sit Around And Miss You

28. The Black Keys – Tell Me Lies

29. Bobby Sparks ii feat. Robert “Sput” Searight & MonoNeon – The Comanche Are Coming

30. Boogie – Live 95

31. Boogie feat. Snoh Aalegra – Time

32. Burna Boy feat. Jeremih & Serani – Secret

33. Che Ecru – That’s My Baby

34. Ciara – Greatest Love

35. Ciara – Set

36. Ciara – Trust Myself

37. City and Colour – Mountain of Madness

38. Col3trane, DJDS, & Raye – The Fruits

39. Conway the Machine – Half of It

40. DaBaby – Bop

41. DaBaby – Goin Baby

42. DaBaby – Suge

43. Daniel Caesar & Brandy – Love Again

44. Danny Brown – Dirty Laundry

45. Danny Brown – Savage Nomad

46. Dave East – Mama I Made It

47. Dave East – The Marathon Continues (Nipsey Tribute)

48. Dave East – Me & Mines

49. Denzel Curry – Speedboat

50. Devin Morrison – Bussin’

51. Devin Morrison feat. Dahvi – It’s Time

52. DJ Shadow – If I Died Today

53. DJ Shadow feat. Run The Jewels – Kings & Queens

54. DJ Shadow feat. De La Soul – Rocket Fuel

55. Doja Cat – Say So

56. Doja Cat – Streets

57. Dreamville feat. Ty Dolla $ign & Dreezy – Got Me

58. Dreamville feat. JID & T.I. – Ladies, Ladies, Ladies

59. Dreezy feat. Jeremih – Ecstasy

60. E-40 feat. Quavo Roddy Ricch, A$AP Ferg, & ScHoolboy Q – Chase the Money

61. E-40 – Imma Find Out

62. E-40 feat. Redman, Method Man, & Bosko – Keep On Gassin

63. Earthgang feat. T-Pain – Tequila

64. Earthgang feat. Kehlani – Trippin

65. Elhae – fXXX

66. Elhae – I.D.B.I.L

67. Elhae feat. Big K.R.I.T – Sanctuary

68. Emotional Oranges – Someone Else

69. Emotional Oranges – West Coast Love

70. Emotional Oranges – Your Best Friend Is A Hater

71. Eric Bellinger – iPod on Shuffle

72. Eric Bellinger feat. K Camp – Moist

73. Eric Bellinger – Run It Up

74. Eric Bellinger – The Sexy Song

75. Eric Bellinger – Spice

76. Eric Bellinger feat. Chris Brown & OG Parker – Type a Way

77. Eric Bellinger – Undress

78. Esperanza Spalding – Touch in Mine (Fingers)

79. Fabolous feat. Jacquees – My Mind

80. Fabolous feat. Ty Dolla $ign – Ooh Yea

81. FKA twigs – Mirrored Heart

82. Freddie Gibbs & Madlib feat. Killer Mike & Pusha T – Palmolive

83. Freddie Gibbs & Madlib – Soul Right

84. Free Nationals – Lester Diamond

85. Free Nationals feat. Syd – Shibuya

86. Free Nationals feat. Mac Miller & Kali Uchis – Time

87. Future – Crushed Up

88. Gallant – Céline

89. Gallant – Sleep On It

90. The Game – Born 2 Rap

91. The Game feat. 21 Savage – The Code

92. The Game feat. Anderson .Paak – Stainless

93. Gang Starr feat. J. Cole – Family And Loyalty

94. Gang Starr feat. Ne-Yo & Nitty Scott – Get Together

95. Gary Clark Jr. – I Got My Eyes on You (Locked & Loaded)

96. GoldLink feat. WaveIQ – Spanish Song

97. GoldLink feat. Tyler, the Creator & Jay Prince – U Say

98. Griselda – Freddie HotSpot

99. Gucci Mane – Move Me

100. Isabella – Tag

101. Jacquees – Fact Or Fiction

102. Jacquees – Good Lovin

103. Jaden – Got It

104. Jeezy – White Keys

105. Jidenna feat. GoldLink – Babouche

106. Jidenna – Sou Sou

107. Jidenna – Vaporiza

108. Jim Jones feat. Maino & Drama – My Era

109. Jim Jones feat. Cam’ron, Guordan Banks, Benny the Butcher, & Conway the Machine – To Whom it May Concern

110. Joell Ortiz – Jamaican Food

111. Joell Ortiz – Sip Slow

112. Johnta Austin – Breakin Rules

113. Justine Skye – Secrets

114. Kalin White – 4 sexonds

115. Kaytranada feat. GoldLink, Eight9Fly, & Ari Pensmith – Vex Oh

116. Kehlani – Feels

117. Kehlani feat. 6lack – RPG

118. Khalid – Paradise

119. Khalid – Talk

120. Kiana Ledé feat. Jenifer Lewis – Heavy

121. Kiana Ledé – If You Hate Me

122. Kxng Crooked & Bronze Nazareth feat. Tristate & L.A.D – French Connection

123. Kirk Brown – Vibes Up

124. Koffee feat. Jane Macgizmo – Blazin

125. Konshens – Back It Up

126. Konshens – Last Wine

127. Kyle Dion – Hands to Yourself

128. Kyle Dion – Spend It

129. Larry June feat. Premo Rice – Booty Girl Club

130. Larry June – Early Bird

131. Larry June – Organic Smiles

132. Layton Greene – Never Knew

133. Lion Babe feat. Leikeli47 – The Wave

134. Lion Babe feat. Raekwon – Western World

135. Lophiile – Late Ass

136. Lophiile feat. Jesse Boykins III – You’re Gonna Need It

137. Lophiile – You’ve Changed

138. Lucky Daye – Love You Too Much

139. Lucky Daye – Real Games

140. Lyfe Jennings – Baby

141. Mac Ayers feat. Uhmeer – Fears

142. Mac Ayers – Get Away

143. Mahalia – Karma

144. Mahalia – What Am I?

145. Mahalia feat. Ella Mai – What You Did

146. Marc E. Bassy – Crash and Burn

147. Marc E. Bassy – Where We’re From

148. Matt Martians – Movin’ On

149. Maxo Kream feat. Megan Thee Stallion – She Live

150. Megan Thee Stallion feat. Da Baby – Cash S**t

151. Mereba – Stay Tru

152. Moonchild – Strength

153. Murs, 9th Wonder, & The Soul Council - Sin

154. Murs, 9th Wonder, & The Soul Council – Unicorn Glitter

155. Nikki Jean – Driver

156. Nikki Jean feat. Lupe Fiasco – Mr. Clean

157. Papoose feat. DJ Premier – Numerical Slaughter

158. Pardison Fontaine – Money Machine

159. Pardison Fontaine – Under8ed

160. PJ Morton – Kid Again

161. PJ Morton feat. JoJo – Say So

162. Post Malone – I’m Gonna Be

163. Problem Child – Whole Heart

164. Quinn XCII feat. Yoshi Flower – Werewolf

165. Rapsody feat. Queen Latifah – Hatshepsut

166. Rapsody feat. D’Angelo & GZA – Ibtihaj

167. Rapsody feat. Elle Varner – Michelle

168. Raveena – Nectar

169. Raveena – Salt Water

170. Rex Orange County – Always

171. Rex Orange County – It Gets Better

172. Rick Ross – Fascinated

173. Rick Ross feat. Drake – Gold Roses

174. Rick Ross feat. Summer Walker – Summer Reign

175. Rick Ross – Vegas Residency

176. R.LUM.R – Happy

177. R.LUM.R – Lies

178. Roses Gabor feat. Sampha – Illusions

179. Rotimi – Love Riddim

180. Rotimi – Way Gone

181. Sabrina Claudio – Truth Is

182. Sammie – Issues

183. Sara Bareilles – Armor

184. ScHoolboy Q feat. Kid Cudi – Dangerous

185. ScHoolboy Q – Numb Numb Juice

186. Shal Marshall – Mas Forever

187. Shal Marshall – Splinters

188. Shwayze – Rich City

189. Sinead Harnett – Be The One (Interlude)

190. SiR feat. Smino – LA Lisa

191. SiR feat. Kadhja Bonet – New Sky

192. Slum Village feat. Dwele – Call Me

193. Snoh Aalegra – Nothing to Me

194. Snoh Aalegra – Toronto

195. Snoop Dogg feat. Swizz Beatz – Countdown

196. Snoop Dogg feat. Marknoxx – I Wanna Thank Me

197. Snoop Dogg feat. Russ & Wiz Khalifa – Take Me Away

198. Solange – Almeda

199. Solange – Dreams

200. Steve Lacy – N Side

201. Steve Lacy – Playground

202. Summer Walker – Wasted

203. T-Pain feat. Tory Lanez – Getcha Roll On

204. Tayla Parx – Me vs. Us

205. Tayla Parx feat. Joey Bada$$ - Rebound

206. The Teskey Brothers – Rain

207. The Teskey Brothers – Sun Come Ease Me In

208. Tinashe – Feelings

209. Tobi lou feat. Erica Rene & Cam O’bi – That Old Nu-Nu

210. Tobi lou – Waterboy

211. Tori Kelly – Kid I Used To Know

212. Toro y Moi – Freelance

213. Toro y Moi – Ordinary Pleasure

214. Tory Lanez – Blowin’ Mine’s // Leah’s Introduction

215. Tory Lanez feat. Ludacris – The Fargo Splash

216. Trey Songz – Jill (Sumn Real)

217. Trina feat. Rico Love – Water

218. Tryezz – Walnut St. Dub

219. Tsu Surf – Killing Me

220. Tyler, the Creator - Earfquake

221. Tyler, the Creator – I Think

222. Umi – Sukidakara

223. Vedo – Do It Nasty

224. Wale feat. Jeremih – On Chill

225. Weezer – Happy Together

226. Willow – Time Machine

227. Wiz Khalifa feat. Young Deji – Gold Bottles

228. Xavier Omär & Sango – Cry & Lie

229. Xavier Omär & Sango feat. Billy Mercury – Keeping Me

230. YBN Cordae feat. Anderson .Paak – RNP

231. YBN Cordae feat. Meek Mill – We Gon Make It

232. Ye Ali feat. DCMBR – All About You

233. Ye Ali – Rehearsal

234. Ye Ali feat. DCMBR – Show Me

235. Ye Ali feat. DCMBR & Rainy Milo – Songs2Get2GetDrunk2

236. Yelawolf – Box Chevy 7

237. Yelawolf – Unnatural Born Killer

238. Young M.A. – Stubborn Ass

239. Zacari – Midas Touch

240. 2 Chainz – Threat 2 Society

[mythological-survivor-no-mikoto]

Episode 1.1 - This Game is Rigged Against People Who Can’t Read - Vi

The two tribes, Awashima and Hiroku were pitted against each other in a game of Hostile Harai. After a relatively close battle, Hiroku pulled ahead and won a 10% challenge multiplier in the next immunity challenge.

At the immunity challenge, the tribes battle each other in a game of Semantris that led to victory for Hiroku, beating the other tribe even without the score multiplier needed.

At Hiroku, the winning tribe, they celebrated their win and continued to form relationships, though no alliances had yet formed. Emma ventured into the expeditions and found the Awashima hidden immunity idol and was given the option between leaving the idol in place or gifting it to a member of Awashima. Emma opted to gift the idol to Adam with the note: “Can’t wait for merge! (heart) PH.”

At Awashima, bonds began to form and take control of the vote. Katie, Rachael, Rodrigo and Josh in particular began to formulate a plan to vote out Lauren for being the most inactive member of the tribe. Lauren had other plans, wanting to target Adam for similar reasons. After some discussion of idols with Rodrigo, Katie and Rachael opted to vote for Adam as well. At tribal council, Lauren was voted out 7-3 against Adam, who kept his immunity idol in his pocket.

PART 1

“im either first boot or i win no in between”

“Omfg VI IS PLAYING I LOVE HER SO MUCH THE LOML. Also nikias has such a cool energy”

“All of my chats so far are with the men, I think I’m too intimidated by the pretty girls??”

“Fuuuuuck Katie is playing?!?!?! 😭😭😭😭 SHES TOO GOOD SHE GOTTA GO”

“Minding my own business and praying these people never witnessed Svalbard🙃”

“When you rejected Katie for prom and she comes for you in your DMs”

“Katie is gr8. Josh is gr8. Really just vibing tbh”

“I'm so glad that on my tribe I already have previous good relationships with Regan, Katie, and Vi. Marc is pretty great too. I feel good so far woooo. also prayer circle for Olivia I hope I get to see her in a tribe swap or something”

After receiving a bonus in the immunity challenge: “guys look at me win!”

“im going to see if i can trick jay into thinking i want to work with him till f2”

“whyyyy am I so awkward hahahahaha ha ah ha abaaghhhhhhhhh”

“this game is rigged against people who can’t read. Someone save me”

Olivia goes on an expedition to Mt. Ishizuchi, where she must climb 100 steps to reach the top. After 15 minutes she completes the task that reveals no reward with this to say:

“Are you fuckin kidding me 🤬 Wtf guys 😐😑”

“I legit message every single person on this tribe and i tried to communicate with them, however nobody messaged me first which makes me low key a little paranoid. Is it the fact that i am too excited to get to know every one? or could it be that some people feeling comfortable alliance? we shall see, at thee moment i don't really believe there is one or if it is there would be of players that have play together before, but i haven't notice any one who would know someone else in my tribe. At the moment, i have 0 game talks i am trying to talk to people but i don't wanna approach people and make them feel that i am playing too hard too fast so i just wanna get to the first steps of getting to know them and then build of an alliance. I feel like the people that i would like to bring in a potential alliance at the moment would be Olivia, Abby, Zach (so hot btw) and there are people that i wanna work with based on interviews ( Cori and Ally) but they haven't give me anything yet too to make them feel that i could work with them, idk i don't really enjoy being the only one who is asking questions and try to lead a convo and that's why at the moment i haven't be able to see if i could potential work with them. My biggest concern mark is Constance, i enjoy talking with him and he seems like a gamer and i would like to work with a gamer but there is something in me that feels that he could make a move later on very unexpectenly”

“Ok so I’m doing well with aly, nikias, em, and corinda. Abrielle too but I’m more wary of her bc of her Svalbard connections. Hopefully I can make a ladies alliance happen within the next couple of days naturally. Odd and Sam aren’t giving me anything and Constance is a wildcard bc I know his history”

“Also I forgot to say I also know jay from the other tribe I hosted an org that he won : o. Him and Vi were close so I imagine they’ll be paired up by now. So that either gives me an opportunity to join them as a third wheel or it could take away vi as my potential closest ally. Vi played my first ever org with me :’)”

Abrielle went to Mt. Tsurumi in Kyushu where she received the voting coin for boiling water 

Olivia goes on another expedition to the Kojima Shrine. She luckily went during low tide, and was able to claim the Protective Crystal which blocks the next vote cast against her. “Oh fuck yeah”

“forgot about the great soybean massacre of 1586″

“So far I feel as though I’ve made some decent connections on this tribe even if they are minimal. I’ve really enjoyed getting to know so many fresh faces but depending on how we do in this challenge, connections unfortunately can not overlook performance as a tribe unless you work it to a certain degree. I do hope that several of my tribe members can help us pull the win for this challenge because I am not doing so hot!”

“The only concerns I have on my tribe are Em and Olivia because they know me from Tumblr and didn’t really like me all that much but I won’t say anything and just let life work it’s course. If I don’t delve into the past and let it linger it’ll only fall into their blame if they use that as their leverage if they target me later down the line. My main goal is to ultimately create friendships in this game and even if they decide to speak with me (Em hasn’t) that’s all that truly matters to me. Because ultimately, I don’t dislike anyone regardless of what anyone says. 💘”

“Honestly having immunity is really important, we get a taste of the twist be with zero affection towards us and it could allow us to be more prepare in the a future tribal council. Also you need time in this game and especially at the beginning, i am hoping for the win at the moment.”

“Here u can start seeing Rodrigo in his natural habitat: Forming relationships, talking to people. This is what Rodrigos gameplay is about. He creates relationships strong enough quickly to be able to slip by. Now Rodrigo plans, this season, to take his game one step further and actually transition from a social game only to a strategic game too. Is it too early to rock the boat? We shall see next time in... MYTHOLOGICAL SURVIVOR NO MIKOTO!!! also I find it really funny that I already told like what 5 people I have their back: Josh, Rach, Vi, Katie, Marc. tobe honest this 5 are kind of an ideal 5 for me to align with but with Marc wanting to bring Jay and Reegan idk tbh but the way things are looking it may come down to Adam or Lauren but tribal is only on Monday so theres a lot to play out. Well something else I do feel kinda bad throwing Adam udner the bus to Katie and it really has nothing to do with our past history its just how the convo developed that led to me saying tha”

After being exiled Rodrigo sent this: 

“I don't like who i'm with. I want to be carried but with almost all new people to me, I gotta try”

Olivia goes on an expedition to the Sado light house, rewarding her with a 3 hour exile from her tribe. Her tribe is not notified of why she was removed from the chat, prompting speculation about what happened. 

“captain’s log #49. Fred the squirrel has crafted a boat and left the lighthouse sooner than I. I feel defeat creeping over me. I’ve been here for 10 minutes and I’ve tried every which way to let my tribe know I didn’t desert them, IM NOT A TRAITOR. I even changed my pfp in the hopes someone would catch on. Guess we shall see. IM TOO YOUNG TO DIE”

“Catch me taking down notes on who sweetly tried to contact me. That’s who imma vibe with in this game. Constance, nikias, corinda, Abby :]”

Emma took an expedition to Honshu where she completed a challenge to find the Awashima hidden immunity idol. 

Chose to gift the idol to Adam with the note: “Can’t wait for merge (heart)! PH.”

“I JUST REALIZE I CANT BRING OLIVIA INTO MY CHAT AS A GUEST. Life sucks”

After being given the idol by Emma, his only response was: 

 “PH hmm”

“also heres a thought. I'd LOVE to get rid of like Reegan next if we go to tribal but the thing is the following: with us voting Lauren this vote I kinda need to play it up for the public. I dont want people thinking I am a meninist. Because I am not. so if Lauren does go this round. I think a MAN will need to suffer the consequences. Its what they deserve to be honest. Peace.”

“Going great! I got a little advantage and we’re immune. I think im making good connections? I’m trying not to be too much like I usually am like I’m holding back”

Olivia went on another expedition to Lake Kamo on Sado where she broke a fishermans oyster trap, resulting in her being exiled from her tribe until she had collected four buckets of oysters. 

“ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME. IM GONNA KERMIT WHAT THE FUCK. I’m literally crying whyyyy. expeditions are the worst fucking thing I’m gonna Kermit IM GONNA KERMIT. CAPTAINS LOG #926 I AM ONCE AGAIN EXILED AND SOBBING AS I HAVE TO FUCKING COUNT OYSTERS WHAT IS THIS CRUEL WORLD WHAT THE FUCK WHY ME”

After almost 40 minutes, Olivia completed the task and was allowed back to her tribe. 

“I don’t even get a reward for all that 😭 I’m just sad now”

“I have really been trying to up my social game more than any other game I have been involved in. It may seem like a little too much, but at the same time, I really want to emphasize what I said I would do and that is make genuine friendships with people and do what I can in order to move myself forward in this game. Even if it may cost me my opportunity to win, I at least know that I went out of this game knowing I created a connection with each and every person in someway. 

With that said, I think that the idol searching mechanic shows how hard someone is trying to find something because it ultimately catches everyone’s attention if you get something negative like being exiled from your tribe or whatnot.

I’m not quite sure what this game has in store for me and I don’t expect to accomplish much when it comes to challenges so I hope to bring my socially adaptable techniques into my strategy for the long haul.”

[kateofthecanals]

For The (Not)Watch: Episode 7.1

The Great YAWN Begins

For all the jokes I made about needing Xanax for this, what I really needed was a handful of NoDoz... PRO TIP: If you’re gonna write endless scenes with nothing but dialogue, try to at least make the dialogue GOOD?

Anyway, let’s get on with it...

After an interminably long Previously On (which I guess is supposed to suggest that there are things that happened in previous seasons that will matter this season??), we get to our cold open. Why, WHAT THE HECK is Walder Frey doing there?? We just saw him killed I can’t possibly imagine what’s going on!! Fake!Walder has gathered his bros together to celebrate being total heroes and serves them all the finest arbor gold... all except for his new child bride, whom he says he doesn’t wanna “waste” good wine on. Everyone takes a good hearty gulp -- all except Walder GOSH IT’S SO WEIRD WHY WOULD HE DO THAT?? Then they start whooping it up about totally murdering the shit out of the Starks and everyone gets kinda awkward when Walder starts throwing some passive-aggressive shit out there about killing a pregnant woman, a mother of five, and violating Guest Right. Then it’s the Big Reveal -- as the Frey dudes start choking on their obviously poisoned wine, Walder's like

BECAUSE IT WAS REALLY ARYA ALL ALONG ZOMG!!! But she actually waits until they’re all dead before revealing this, which.... is even dumber and more pointless than serving Walder a Frey Pie he never actually eats. So, she saves the reveal for the wife only, which contradicts the earlier “spoiler” than Arya spares ALL the women, when, in fact, she only spares the child bride (who, admittedly, was in all likelihood blameless) in order to have someone bear witness. Arya then walks out of the room but not before doing the obligatory post-murder smug smirk that is mandatory of all female characters now.

So I GUESS this scene was supposed to be “dramatically satisfying”, but it left me cold, since (a) the Frey bros never actually got to know that they were being killed by a Stark, and (b) why does Arya have to always go for the most Extra™ method possible?? Oh that’s right, according to D&D, every decision Arya makes is based on “what's the most BADASS thing I could do??” Well, for starters, taking your Walder mask off BEFORE all his men died so they could see the true face of their killer would have been pretty badass, but what do I know, I never dropped out of Faceless Men School...

Credits roll, where they still insist that this is “Based on ASOIAF by GRRM”.

We then fade in to about 3 hours of a cold plain and a snowstorm, followed by a Wight Power March that culminates in learning that the Others have giants. Good to know.

Cut to Meera Reed and Bran ringing the doorbell at the Wall, where Edd answers with a couple bros in tow. He’s all “state your bizness” and Meera’s like “yo this is BRAN MUTHAFUCKING STARK” but Edd’s like “nah, prove it.” So Bran pulls down his breeches to show him the birthmark on his ass shaped like a direwolf. Just kidding, he goes full Miss Cleo on Edd and reads his diary out loud and Edd is like “sounds legit” and lets them pass. Not sure how that proves Bran is Bran though? Like, how does Edd even know that Bran is a greenseer? How does Bran saying “I know you fought at The Fist & Hardholme” prove he’s Bran Stark? Hello? Well, it doesn’t, but I guess it’s enough for Edd to know that Bran knows about the Night’s King. Though Edd would be a real shit to leave two kids on their own north of the Wall.

Then we move down to Winterfell where Prom King Jon is holding court, telling his peeps they gotta get theyselves some dragonglass to kill the white walkers. Then he announces that women and girls will be expected to fight as well cuz he #woke and Lyanna Mormont proclaims that she doesn’t “plan on knitting by the fire” while men fight for her -- another PRO TIP: if you’re a white male bro who wants to spew gross sexist rhetoric, just have a little girl say it and feminists everywhere will cheer! Anyway, let’s just hope SOMEONE is left behind to do some knitting, young lady, otherwise your sassy ass is gonna freeze to death. She then declares they’ll begin training every man, woman, boy, and girl on Bear Island... as if that’s something they don’t already do on Bear Island. Jon goes on to suggest that they need to man all the castles in the path of the white walkers, which Tormund is cool with but apparently Yohn Royce has something to say?? Uhhhh who let him in?? Sandra speaks up for the first time and Jon gives her a look like “bitch did I say you could talk?” Sandra thinks it’s a good idea to undermine Jon in front of the rest of the North, like yeah we get it he’s a usurper but can we save the bickering for later?? Basically Sandra wants all the Northern kids to pay for the crimes of their fathers and gosh hmmmmm where have I seen that before...?

So, cool, after absorbing Ramsay’s evil powers, Sandra seems to have taken on Joffrey’s as well...

Sandra then confirms that the Karstarks and Umbers died fighting for Ramsay; as we now know, the “original” ending to the Battle of the Bastards involved the Karstarks and Umbers turning on Ramsay but it was never filmed because D&D are hacks with no sense of realistic time management, so it appears that they just went ahead and officially retconned their own original intention and I guess it worked out well for them because it gives Sandra another thing to be a bitch about. Anyway, Jon’s like “I will not punish a son for his father’s sins and my decision is final GOT THAT SIS?” and to prove that everyone is cool now, he calls up Alys Karstark (why is she a redhead?) and an Umber kid (TinyJon?) and makes them swear fealty right there on the spot, which they do, and Sandra stares at them like she’s the witch from Hansel and Gretel... Insert random shots of Creepy Grinning Littlefinger and Slightly Concerned Davos.

Afterwards, Jon and Sandra go for a little stroll and, out of nowhere, Sandra invokes Godwin’s Law by comparing Jon to Joffrey --What??? Even Jon’s like “did you just fucking compare me to Joffrey?” And Sandra’s like “lol j/k you’re totes a good leader.” Then she goes on to drag Ned and Robb and outright calls them “stupid”.... Sigh. You know, if this show had GOOD writers, they could easily find a way to acknowledge Ned and Robb’s fuck-ups without having their daughter and sister call them stupid. Like, say, “Hey, Dad and Robb were great men but they made mistakes that we shouldn’t repeat. Let’s learn from them and do better.” Done, NO SLANDER NEEDED. Then Jon’s like, “You think Imma be smarter listening to YOUR crazy ass?” She says “Would that be so terrible?” YES, SANDRA, IT WOULD. Then Maester Whatshisnuts delivers a raven from Queen Cersei saying “come here and bend the knee, bitches” and Sandra’s like “yeah dummy, there’s a war to the South too!” Jon’s like “uhh I have bigger to fry” but Sandra insists that Cersei should be addressed because she’s found a way to murder all her enemies. Which, for some ungodly reason, prompts Jon to say “It sounds as if you admire her.” Which Sandra, instead of slapping him in his face for suggesting such a vile thing, replies almost wistfully “I learned a great deal from her.”

So add Cersei to the list of abusers that Sandra has decided to personify. #NOTMYSANSA

Speaking of, we jump to Cersei supervising the painting of a big floor map when Jaime comes in and she asks him if he’s afraid of her and his mouth says “no” but his eyes say “yes but it turns me on tbh”. Somehow she knows that Tyrion is Dany’s Hand and Jaime knows they will definitely land at Dragonstone, which apparently Stannis left unoccupied(!!?!?!). Cersei calls the girl whom not a minute ago we saw infer that she respected Cersei “that murdering whore Sansa Stark”, because Game of Thrones & Girl Power™. Cersei’s like “Literally everyone outside of the Red Keep is an enemy, how do we defeat them?” Jaime’s like, “Ummmm” and Cersei’s like “Nevermind, I have a totally awesome full-proof can’t miss idea!”

Very conveniently right at that moment, the entire Greyjoy fleet rolls up into the Blackwater. Jaime’s like “Seriously?? These jerks never keep their promises and always betray their friends” And Cersei is literally like, “Meh, everyone does.” (!!!!!???) Jaime’s like “No for real, the Greyjoys suck at life” and HE LITERALLY ADMITS THAT THE GREYJOYS DON’T GROW ANYTHING ON THE IRON ISLANDS AS THEY STAND THERE STARING AT A FLEET OF SHIPS THAT EURON TOLD HIS MEN TO “CUT DOWN TREES” FOR.

Cut to the throne room where Euron Both-Eyes proceeds to launch a thousand Twitter memes with his tight leather pants and guyliner, looking for all the world like a MCR reject. Or maybe I should say Mystery, as he attempts the Pick-Up Artist routine on Cersei. He and Jaime proceed to have a pissing contest involving faux-backstory (apparently Jaime was the reason Euron went into exile? lololol okay), and Jaime points out at that Euron kills his own kin as if that’s something that matters anymore. Euron’s like, “Cersei baby, I got a thousand ships and TWO GOOD HANDS!”

However, Cersei decides to play hard-to-get and is like “nah, you’re not trustworthy and you’ve broken promises and murdered your own brother and shit” and Euron’s just looking at her like “bitch didn’t you just blow up a church?” But Euron won’t be dissuaded! He says he’s gonna go out there and get Cersei a gift, a gift that she will be so HAPPY to receive that she will immediately divest her smallclothes. I WONDER WHAT IT COULD BEEEEE....

We then kick it Oldtown where Sam’s days are filled with books, shit, and soup. We are then treated to a soup-and-poop montage that lasted longer than Arya’s training at the HoB&W. (And no, D&D, the juxtaposition of books with shit was not lost on us, go fuck yourselves.)

Elsewhere at Hogwarts the Citadel, Sam goes to visit Professor Slughorn to ask him for access to the restricted section of the library (no, I am not making that up). Archmaester Slughorn (is this supposed to be Marwyn?) is like “sorry kid no acolytes allowed” so then Sam tries to sweeten the deal by revealing that he’s seen the White Walkers, and Slughorn quickly believes him and proceeds to pick up where the High Sparrow left off by launching into some long-winded nonsense that comes down to “don’t even bug about it, the Wall will protect us forever!” Sam doesn’t buy it, though, so that night he grabs his invisibility cloak and sneaks into the restricted area of the library!! And all I could think was, if Walder Frey suddenly pops up with a lantern complaining about acolytes being out of bed, I am gonna have a stroke.

We then jump back to Winterfell where Brienne is filling her 3-seasons-long wish of beating the snot out of poor Pod, which gets Tormund aroused (bleh). Speaking of creepy ships, Sandra is watching from overheard where Littlefucker comes up behind her and divulges how Brienne “beat the Hound in single combat” (how would he know that?), and Sandra’s like “Whoa she fought the Hound?? Is is okay?? OMG is he the ‘man’ that Brienne said was with Arya????”

HAHAHA just kidding she had no reaction at all.

So LF is basically like “pay attention to meeeeeeee” and Sansa is just like “creepers to the left please” until Brienne materializes and gives him stank-eye so he’ll leave. Brienne’s like “why the fuck is he even still here?” and Sansa says “we need his men” (by “his” I’m assuming she means Robin Arryn, Lord of the Vale??) and then is like “Littlefinger saved us! heehee” OMFG MAKE UP YOUR MIND, SANDRA.

Over in the Riverlands, Arya stumbles upon a free Ed Sheeran concert in the woods. Apparently, when it comes to mass murder, Arya is like a snake -- after a feeding, she’s good for like 6 months because girlfriend just rolled up on a handful of Lannister men just chilling and instead of immediately shanking them decides to hang out. Gee, D&D sure do like to show Arya bonding with Lannister surrogates, don’t they? And in the same episode where Sandra declares her respect for Cersei. Mixed messaging much...?

Anyway, Arya tells Sheeran his song is lit but she never heard it before and he’s like “just dropped my new single, download it on iTunes!” and then another guy offers her some rabbit. Turns out Arya happened upon the only decent Lannister men (or, MEN, period) in Westeros as none of them try to kill, molest, or bother her at all and are in fact very generous and sympathetic. Ooookay. They ask her why she’s going to KL and Arya “Faceless Men Dropout” Stark just casually states that she’s going to kill the queen, which they find hee-larious!

So, what exactly are we supposed to be taking away from this scene? On its own, it’s fine, but it lines up more with GRRM’s messaging than it does D&D’s and therefore feels out of place here. Which brings me to...

... the only scene in this episode I really give to shits about! So, while it’s brisk and sunny in Arya’s part of the Riverlands, it’s a goddamn blizzard over where Sandor and the BwB are journeying. Auntie Thoros is like “brrrr it’s cold!” and Sandor’s like “THANKS CAPTAIN OBVIOUS”. Thoros calls him a “grouchy old bear” and asks him why he’s always in a bad mood and Sandor’s like “um have you met me?” They then come upon a familiar farm that they think looks inviting but Sandor’s like “NOPE” and Thoros is like “what, are you SCARED?” and Sandor’s like “NO YOU ARE!!! AND YOUR TOP-KNOT IS STUPID TOO!!!” Thoros tries to entice him with the possibility of ale inside and Sandor’s like haha joke’s on you they have no ale cuz I fucking stole it all...

They make their way inside and Sandor sees the frozen corpses of the farmer and little girl he robbed back in Season 4 in a corner. Detective Dondarrion C.S.I. deduces that it was a murder-suicide and Sandor tries to brush it off, saying “It doesn’t matter now.” They sit down while Thoros builds a fire and Sandor points out that Beric is not special and actually kinda lame, so why did the Lord of the Light choose him when there are better men who deserve it more? Beric’s like “fuck if I know” but he knows that there’s a reason. Sandor’s like “why doesn’t the Lord of Light just tell you?” and again Beric has no answers. Sandor opines that it’s not fair that Beric is still alive but that little girl is dead...

Then Thoros is like “come stare into the flames with meeeee” and Sandor’s like “I don’t wannaaaaaaaa” but Thoros convinces him, and after a few moments of some skeptical squinting, Sandor’s like

And also a mountain shaped like an arrowhead. Sandor is SHOOK and Beric is like “TOLD YA.”

Later that night, Auntie Thoros wakes up to a ruckus outside, so he throws on his shawl goes out to see Sandor digging a grave for the farmer and the little girl. Yes, folks, after 2 seasons, we finally get The Gravedigger. Sandor is especially reverential as he lays the small bundle of the little girl into the hole. Thoros helps him fill the hole, then Sandor attempts to recite a prayer to the Seven but he doesn’t know the words. So he leaves it at a simple “I'm sorry you’re dead. Both of you. You deserved better.”

Am I... even watching the same show here?? I mean, aside from all the “cunting” and the “cocksucking”, this is the first time in a LONG time that I felt like we were seeing the REAL Sandor Clegane... the one from the books. The sequence by the gave in particular rang completely true for me. Now, as y’all know, I hate hate HATE that scene in Season 4 with a fiery passion, so I was actually glad to see some actual CONSEQUENCES being addressed. Yes, the same show where there is literally never any fallout for people’s shitty, nihilistic decisions, here we watch Sandor having to face the brutal reality of something extremely vile he did 3 years(?) prior. And not only did he confront it, he attempted to atone for it, of his own volition, in the only way he knew how. Here’s a man who realized his own hypocrisy in railing against an unjust system while simultaneously making these two innocent people a victim of it himself -- which, granted, NEVER should have happened in the first place, because Sandor would never do such a thing... but if the payoff for it was seeing this more compassionate, repentant side of Sandor, then I’ll take it.

Anyhoo, back at the Citadel, Sam is poring over some books with Gilly (why is she still there exactly?) when he flips a page and is like “EUREKA! Here’s a thing Stannis told me about 2 seasons ago that I conveniently forgot about until now!” Namely that Dragonstone is sitting on a goldmine of dragonglass. Sam immediately begins writing a letter to Jon.

Later on, Sam is on poop duty again and is cruising down the Hallway of the Damned when the busted arm of Jorah comes shooting through the wall. (Wow, somehow Jorah managed to get alllll the way to Oldtown but Dany’s not even to Dragonstone yet OH WELL!)

Speaking of which, AT LAST, 55 minutes in, we finally arrive at the location the entire episode is named for! It’s an extremely long, drawn-out sequence of Dany checking out her new digs, including the Stone Throne™, culminating with her running her hands all up and down the Westeros map table where Mel’s naked butt once was. Tyrion very generously allows her to have her moment and doesn’t get a single line. Then finally, Dany sits down at the table and asks the question I was asking the entire freaking episode: “Shall we begin?” YES, THAT WOULD BE NICE.

And there you have it. An insufferably boring beginning to what is supposed to be the penultimate GoT season. Just too bad they can’t afford to film in color anymore, otherwise this might have actually seemed rather grand...

Until next week!

[punkscowardschampions]

Ali & Tommy

Ali: yo yo yo Ali: i'm back to civilization, using the term loosely there but Ali: what i miss Tommy: hey girl hey Tommy: oh you know several family feuds Tommy: standard Ali: oh the joys Ali: reckon i'm right on time for the next one Ali: soz I didn't have signal, what you want me to do lads Tommy: reckon you have a fair point Tommy: and solid excuse Tommy: if I had someone to do, my phone would be off too, like Ali: i've made the case for not spoiling the areas natural beauty with phone masts but appaz 'not the fucking point' Ali: no chance of getting away with that, city boy Ali: gutted x2 Ali: should be jelly though 'cos 😍 Tommy: Oh honey I am Tommy: Sickeningly so Tommy: much like your socials of late Ali: Haha piss off Ali: its the honeymoon phase Ali: and you can't act like you'd rather witness the death rattle of my last playing out like Tommy: Well yeah, never a more legit word spoken Tommy: Poor Marls Tommy: Bet she took to the heartbreak like a duck to water though Tommy: as for you and Carls, you've been in that phase for bloody ages Ali: I know, I'm evil Ali: not her first, or last, which says it all Ali: Not even Ali: anyway, gotta milk it, you'll see when you're being gross yourself Tommy: Not evil just scandalous Tommy: We've all had our heads turned by the straights Tommy: Can't pretend I'm not thrilled that you got kissed instead of your head kicked in, love that you got lucky there Tommy: Yeah even, you too been circling and flirting since the dawn of summer if not time Tommy: I think not. I'm nothing but fab in all things Ali: More Marilyn than Hitler Ali: one for the bio, thanks Ali: Ha, laughable, no one is immune to my charms also I do the kicking so Ali: coming up roses forever baby bro Ali: Exactly 😏 gonna be vomit-inducing 'cos you're gonna be thinking yours is the greatest love story ever told 🙄😉 Tommy: stick it on your tinder when the honeymoon's over kid Tommy: welcome welcome Tommy: And Marls thought she was so tough. Not immune to a curb stomp were you, babe Tommy: roses are cliche as hell so agreed Tommy: could be, sister, could just be Tommy: surrounded by sapphic role models in you and your boo Ali: could do it now Ali: sooooooo modern like that, darling Ali: omg shut up 😞 didn't mean to and not funny Ali: psh, as if you wouldn't be buzzing your tits off if someone got you roses Ali: umm not telling you you're doing this whole 'gay' thing wrong but you know the girl ones aren't for you, yeah? 😂 Tommy: yeah but will ya or are you too 😍 Tommy: real question is, has Carls taken to her new status like a duck to water or more like water off a duck's arse Tommy: calm down dear I won't mention the ex again, scout's honor Tommy: atm my tits would be pleased if anyone looked their way at all but we ain't on my sob story, here for your love Tommy: 😂 well now it makes sense Ali: only just got back, like Ali: can deffo take a day of recuperation Ali: not asked tbf Ali: i don't need a label on her or what we're doing Ali: poor baby 😥 Ali: wish you'd let me look at your profiles, pimp em up pimp you out Tommy: but she's still 😍 too, yeah? Tommy: not scared her off like Tommy: Oi! Take your own advice and take a day off Tommy: You can come when I hit the town if you're wanting to wingwoman that bad Ali: Oi yourself! Ali: Scared her off indeed Ali: trusted me enough to go into the wilderness alone like Ali: duh Ali: not even a question Ali: though really need to find you a lad there as well Ali: but you can have a hometown holiday romance, special enough for ya snowflake? Tommy: Probs just wanted to stretch. Caravans are well cramped Tommy: Piss off Tommy: You just don't want me third wheeling you and your girl 'cause you reckon I'll make it awks when she finds me more fun to dance with than you Tommy: Gotta take her and get her initiated though 🌈 Ali: yeah a 2 man tents well better Ali: melt 🖕 Ali: oh you gonna steal my girl? okay 😂 Tommy: You trying to say you didn't look at the stars? Get to fuck you lying scrag 😂 Tommy: Could do, she is cute Ali: Am I that predictable? Sigh Ali: Might be modern but draw the line at family 3way Ali: if anything, a step back Tommy: You ain't invited, honey Tommy: Full offense Ali: Finders keepers I saw her first bitch Tommy: Only 'cause I was miles away Tommy: play fair you dirty bisexual Ali: When you get a mans Imma call bagsy then Ali: wanna talk fair Tommy: we'll both be in wheelchairs minus our own teeth by then so I'll race ya Ali: 😏 oh hush Ali: secretly getting all the d and keeping it dl Tommy: 😂 Tommy: I wish Ali: 👀 Tommy: You filthy perv Ali: how did you know Tommy: Carls told us Tommy: we're that close now like Ali: well, that's a stop coming onto me if I've ever heard one 😂 good one, babe Tommy: 😂 Tommy: Get a lot of that, does she? awks Ali: You said yourself, she cute Tommy: Gotta do some kicking, kitten. Have you learned nothing from your previous? Tommy: 🥊 Ali: how not to keep a woman? Ali: harsh but Tommy: legit Tommy: fuckboy free inbox though Ali: yeah Ali: got their uses though, ain't they Ali: don't be too picky like Tommy: Not for me but you do you, darling Ali: 🤷 Tommy: with your luck they'd fall for you anyway tbf Ali: Like you don't remember having to hold Ma back Ali: weren't that long ago Tommy: Blocked that shit way out Ali: those were the days tho Ali: but fine, won't invite ronan to the gay club Ali: imagine Tommy: For you. Aged ma + 25 Tommy: poor bitch Tommy: Probs had to get her roots done Tommy: Which one was he again? The curly haired gypsy Ali: s'alright, marlene still fancied her and carly also said she would Ali: not doing bad old girl Ali: one of Ali: first and worst, some would say Tommy: OMHG REALLY Tommy: get it ma Tommy: oh that cunt Tommy: hit it Celine 'cause it's all coming back to me now Ali: yeah Ali: smug bitch Ali: no one in this family can keep it to themselves, apparently Ali: 😂 mhmm Ali: lives where Carly does, and was kinda her boyf when I met her Ali: official, like Tommy: reckon I'll steal your girls it's that saucy mare you gotta watch Tommy: Disgusting Tommy: You two fucking by association before you got near Tommy: That's some funny shit Ali: Real talk Ali: someone warn Da Ali: not me 'cos awks when I'm fuming at her for running off with my woman Ali: oh honey you don't even know Ali: we have a list Tommy: On it Tommy: Love getting shot in the face myself so I'm well keen to twirl past with that message Tommy: 😂 Tommy: How long a list we talking? Ali: Interpretive dance it out for him Ali: the most vague form of communication Ali: You actually wanna know or? Tommy: I'll get workshopping rn 'cause ma ain't go no chill Tommy: she won't wait and we know it Tommy: You tell me, sister, do I or not Ali: She's a busy woman Ali: if Rock didn't look so much like Da's side I'd question it frankly Ali: You know how I roll, scandalous from the womb to the tomb baby Tommy: When the adoption jokes ain't just craic Tommy: ooops Tommy: that's why we're the irish twins 'cause same girl same Ali: She's got some nerve, us all out here raising the devil child Ali: give him to his real daddy the inn is full bitch Tommy: 😂 Tommy: puts him in the postie's bag like back you go lad Tommy: he's kinda fit bet ma would Ali: oh babe Ali: hate to bring this bad news to you but he left Ali: probs got a modelling contract, eh 😏 Tommy: 💔 Tommy: pissed on my parade proper there Ali: i am so soz Ali: maybe i traumatized him Ali: okay you can get with carly once but that's it, then we're even Tommy: Not gonna ask what you let him see Tommy: between you and JC every sunday Tommy: 🎉 Yes Ali: knock on my door son, gonna get what i give you Tommy: 👏 Ali: idc if you're just trying to bring the bills, SIR Ali: we don't want 'em Ali: liverpool days got us all forever scarred Tommy: Too real to deal Ali: when you back fr though Tommy: Patience 🦗 Tommy: I got scholarship stresses Ali: must suck being talented enough for one, like 😉 Tommy: Says the genius Tommy: what's your IQ again? Ali: check the tinder lad Ali: put that on there too, how i get all the ladies Tommy: 😂

[punkscowardschampions]

Ali & Carly

Ali: 😭 Ali: BITCH I'M SOBBING Ali: Why are you the purest of all time? Carly: dont cry baby Carly: its not that shit like i did try Ali: It isn't shit at all Ali: it's the best Ali: when can I come get it Carly: I'll bring it youre hurt Carly: anything else you need? Ali: s'all good, Lene is bringing bandages but honestly Ali: frozen peas helped loads, not even that bad now Ali: I can hop to you 🐰 Carly: cute as youd look Carly: i wont make you k Carly: should i not come over if she is? Ali: probably not Ali: i want you to but she would be awks if not rude n i don't wanna do that to you Ali: she's just stressy rn Carly: yea hmu when she goes Carly: ill bring you good shit for the pain Ali: you're my 😇 shortcake Ali: never over how cute the gift is either Ali: hidden talents Ali: imma have to think of something good to give you now, least I'll have time if I can convince Ma that I need to rest this shit Carly: w such a talented boo i had to step it up Carly: cant lose you Carly: you dont need to do anything for me tho youre the one hurting Carly: & the cute one Ali: you won't Ali: less I make a habit of rolling down the mountains, which I ain't planning on Ali: stop at a nice grassy hill, like Ali: you can kill me with kindness tho 😊 into it Carly: yea dont k Carly: but do bring me flowers if youre in that grass for a while Carly: wanna feel the love Ali: I so will Ali: not from the garage either Ali: proper romance Carly: aw Carly: youre the best Carly: never had flowers before Ali: that's an outrage Ali: imma fix that so fast Carly: youre gonna make me sob Ali: not the goal just 'cos you got me first Carly: cuz i love you bitch Carly: it scared me when you hit the ground Ali: i love you too bitch Ali: i'm soz, swear i'm usually more capable and less dramatic Carly: my bad for having parents that make us run to the mountains Ali: it's chill Ali: adventures are the best Ali: mad we didn't find a cave to live in but there's always next time Carly: make it homey & cute aw Carly: gonna need it if your gf or fam are mad at me Ali: cavegirl chic Ali: only come down for the good times Ali: nah, my fam just laughed Ali: tah for the sympathy 🖕 twats 😂 Carly: my hair looks better uncombed like i can make that work Carly: when you gonna b party ready? Carly: my fam going away Ali: Again? Ali: I'm always ready to party Carly: i kno Carly: we have a few days to make it good Carly: ma needs to hit the salon before she can go like Ali: Naturally, gotta start your pre-tan now amirite Linda Ali: but so up for this Ali: this town needs a good party Ali: and so do we Carly: unnaturally blonde too Carly: o ma Carly: yea itll be fun Ali: we do have more fun 💅💄👗 Ali: as dubo gon' know Carly: ha Carly: me first tho Ali: obviously Ali: party planning party Carly: you bringing your gf this time? Ali: nah Ali: her idea of planning ahead is getting in double the cases, like valid but what are we wearing Carly: bored of my clothes Carly: we gotta shop Ali: 🙌 ugh Ali: marry me again Carly: k set the date Ali: obvs gotta have a 3 in it Ali: for the 🍀 Carly: & 🔮 Ali: exactly Ali: baby gets it Carly: you get me Ali: i hope so Ali: 'cos you're cool and fun and sweet Ali: i like you Carly: aw Carly: i love you 👼 Carly: cutest Ali: 🤭 Carly: gotta make you blush for each ⚘ Carly: thats my plan Ali: Can count that as 2 but Imma start making it harder from now on Carly: yea? Ali: Can't be giving 'em away Ali: plus intrigued to see what you come up with Carly: but youre so pretty when you go pink Carly: trying to change my fave colour Ali: damn, you're good 😜 Ali: what is your favourite colour Carly: 💙 Ali: Good choice Ali: the sky, the ocean, can't go wrong Carly: liked it more since i met you Carly: the eyes be like Ali: girl, you killing me Carly: sorry Ali: you ain't and i ain't Carly: facts Carly: wish you were here its boring Ali: same Ali: but Lene will be here soon, don't think I can move that fast Ali: also feel more guilty even though I ain't actually doing anything wrong Carly: i kno Carly: ill go see if ronans still in a mood Carly: if she gets too much you can say she has to come be chivalrous for me cuz hes kicking off Carly: probs will no lie Ali: don't let him be a dick Ali: more than his usual and expected, like Carly: bored of his tantrums hes like a kid Ali: yeah Ali: gotta learn he's not that much of a ride Carly: like sorry you want my wife more than me not my bad Carly: & same boy Carly: shes the ride here Ali: nah, just pissy you banged his cousin, sure Ali: you hush 😘 Carly: but i banged bartley cuz ronan didnt pay me no attention Carly: your own fault lad Ali: let him know Ali: if it weren't me it'd be some other girl, yeah? so he needs to get over it if that's how he wanna play or start apologising now, like Carly: yea Carly: ill tell him Carly: dont let your girl be a dick either tho Ali: I don't Ali: esp. not about my baby Carly: waiting for her to slide in my dms to warn me off Carly: gonna smack me w that gay scale Ali: 😂 Ali: least you can clap back like Ali: bitch i'm a 1 Carly: yea Carly: & not my bad the boo is magic Carly: cant resist Ali: exactly Ali: only human Carly: true Carly: any1 who dont like you is proper weird Ali: awh baby Ali: can i put that on my tinder Carly: gotta Carly: but you kno where to bring the dick pics Ali: DCI Carly Carly: only way im getting letters round my name Ali: I'd make you queen Ali: but lizzie ain't budging and fuck the royals yeah Carly: aw babe Carly: im blushing if you keeping score Carly: gonna be like i own this place after our party Ali: hell yeah Ali: 👑 Ali: bow down bitches Carly: gonna rule w me yea Ali: you sure you don't want prince ronan by your side? Carly: im sure Ali: then of course Ali: lemme fetch my crown Carly: id make you one but youve seen my lack of talents Carly: could maybe do ❀ Ali: ain't seen nothing but, thank you Ali: always a look Carly: you wanna see something k Carly: ill remember you said that Ali: what you planning Carly: nothing w your gf on her way Carly: but you kno Ali: shame Ali: wife ain't meant to be the fun one 😉 Carly: but when you marry me tho Carly: nother time baby Ali: i know, i wifey'd too well Ali: so 🍀 Carly: me too Ali: Oh she's here Ali: chatting up my Ma in the kitchen Carly: fun Ali: Truly Ali: She'd have booted Ronan so far down the road if he'd tried Carly: ha Carly: he doesnt do older no offense to your hot ma Ali: 😂 Ali: can't be doing much younger now, creeper Carly: thatll be why hes so moody Ali: gutted, babe Carly: but no need for you to be Carly: go get your girl Ali: heaven forfend i get up Ali: gotta play invalid Carly: aw babe Carly: take the perks & make it good tho Ali: yeah Carly: be fun Ali: always Carly: ill be here trying to make mine Ali: can take my new good luck charm as long as you keep it safe Carly: nah its yours Carly: gonna keep it safer than that for my baby Ali: 💚 Ali: just keep yourself safe then yeah Carly: aw Carly: yea k Carly: for you boo

[punkscowardschampions]

Ali & Carly

Ali: Heyo boo Ali: thanks for Rocky wrangling with me today, you're now also his fave so, add that to your tally Carly: its k i had fun Carly: hes a cutie & cool kid Ali: me too Ali: yeah, he's alright, but cocky enough so I ain't telling him Ali: dunno where he gets that from 😏 Carly: ha Carly: yea idk Carly: no clue Ali: i'm sorry Ro was being off btw, I'm working out why but trust it wasn't you, babe Ali: been neglecting her lately, everyone wants a piece of me Ali: hard life Carly: idc its me too Carly: nobody wants a piece but you Ali: I just told you that ain't true, and Rocky is ruthless, he called one of my customers a 'big bum witch' the other day Ali: no tip for me, thanks dickhead Ali: but I want all of you regardless Ali: willing to throw hands Carly: aw Carly: this town is full of big bum witches tho Carly: my ma back for one Carly: but are you willing to use those hands for good too or Ali: awks if that was your Ma, like hey gurl, I think you rock it Ali: your daughter ain't bad either Ali: you know it, IOU 'cos we couldn't make like we were in the backrow of the cinema Carly: unless she been lying about where she at i think youve avoided meeting the in laws again Carly: k cuz you kno i need to collect soon Carly: bored Carly: just back and zoned out so fast Ali: ain't even got exciting stories from their galavanting? fucking rude Ali: at least when we go AWOL we also go wild Ali: make things happen, lads Carly: my ma's good for nothing but hairspray and peroxide Carly: only use if i get beat up again Carly: my da's good for cash tho if you wanna get wild w me Ali: or you wanna single white female me Ali: which would be a disappointing outcome to say the least Ali: can't tonight babe, I've gotta have some sister time Ali: go hard for both of us Carly: k Carly: try not to miss me bad when shes talking about me Ali: oh babe, she will not, and if she does I'll set her straight Ali: gonna let the world know you're my 😇 Carly: whatever her issue shes gotta air it and youre her sister so you gotta hear it Carly: idc shes not gonna hurt me w it Carly: and setting peeps straight is the opposite of how you do, babe Ali: true Ali: idk what issue she could have though, you're a literal ray of sunshine Ali: true again 😏 Ali: ugh, imma miss you Ali: maybe i can sneak out when she's gone to bed, the 'rents too Carly: i miss you now Carly: cant hear my parents say shit Carly: i just wanna talk to you Carly: dont tell me maybe & keep me waiting tho Ali: i will Ali: promise Carly: i dont wanna make trouble for you Carly: w anyone Carly: you can stay w her if you need to stay Ali: You won't Ali: I can do both Ali: be back before first light Ali: even if I'll miss watching the sun rise on your face 😔 Ali: we've got the night, baby Carly: but you kno if ive got you for the whole night youre gonna fall asleep Carly: thats what im good at Carly: feel free to tell your sister thats why you like me ha Carly: fun & tiring its magic Ali: hmm, we'll see who wears who out first, babe Ali: and if I am that husband, then you'll just have to wake me up with morning sex like the good little wifey you are 😘😂 Carly: always bringing that confidence i like it Carly: k but if my parents wake up too you can explain its a duty thing yea i had to like Ali: i like you Ali: for so many reasons and imma show you all of 'em tonight Ali: fuck that Ali: stay out with me, its warm enough Ali: i'll trace all the constellations out with my tongue so you won't ever forget Ali: educational Carly: my ma is asking me what im blushing about Carly: i told her what you said but she's not a believer Carly: support my education bitch Carly: ha Ali: i mean, i'd offer to let her see the benefits for herself but Ali: not gonna win me any brownie points 'cos she won't take me up on it Carly: she dont kno what she's missing but i do Carly: wish you were here Ali: me too Ali: start the party without me babe, i don't mind Carly: too late if you do Carly: gotta get through this reunion some way Ali: they aren't making you watch a slideshow, are they? Ali: fate worse than death Ali: Maybe you could go to Ronan's? Lmao, he's been up in my pussy way too much since he found out about us...didn't think we were THAT loud but ok boy Carly: yea Carly: might do cuz same Carly: but what if i miss you he can really make a night of it when he wants Ali: Nah, I won't let you face that disappointment, babe Ali: my spidey senses will tingle like not on my watch, fuckboy Carly: aw Carly: you gonna come get me? Carly: thats no way to get him out your pussy babe fyi Ali: yeah Ali: I know but I like the idea of showing you off as mine Ali: but no sharing, he only gets to watch and be mad he fucked it up Carly: i like it too Carly: youre hot when youre oneupping fuckboys Carly: i thought i knew how to do it best but k youre flipping the script Ali: as long as i'm besting them i'm doing my job right Ali: gotta keep you on-board Carly: speak of the devil Carly: how he know i was alone & horny Carly: my parents have only gone to the shops its uncanny Ali: know your neighbours but bit stalkerish, pal Ali: i'll text him to fuck off, freak him out Ali: how does she know, ha, two can play this game fucko and I'm more committed Carly: ha Carly: you gotta Carly: hes smoking im gonna bum one see what line he tries to lay on before the text sends Ali: On it Ali: gotta let him know there's a queue to court the princess now and he's at the back, soz Carly: he likes hitting it from the back he wont be put off Carly: im gonna show him some of the hot pics i took of you tho Ali: when is he ever tbf? 🐶👅💦 Carly: true Carly: that fucking cute tho aren't i Ali: you know it babe Carly: hes talking to my da now Carly: kill me Ali: how fucking dare he Ali: knowing he has the upper hand with the man bants Ali: i know how to change a tire too! love me! Carly: if my ma invites him in for tea im out of here Carly: she will think hes hot under the collar for her & bitch thats my groundwork Ali: Run baby run Ali: what kinda moron is he tho Ali: coulda had a private show if you just waited, now its all saturday night telly and flat lager Carly: you kno i have nowhere to go if you dont want me babe Carly: facts Carly: he likes me now he cant have me what a fucking Carly: like i wouldve fucked you but im not getting w you Ali: i do, is this full sos crisis mode though? 'cos i need to be good for a lil while longer yet Ali: such a typical bloke move that Ali: bet he ain't the only boy in ur inbox, not a pun Ali: 'cos he ain't in mine like 🙄 Carly: its k your sister needs you Carly: i can keep walking Carly: loads of other lads on site as well as in my inbox Carly: & they arent trying to say hi to me before we get down to it nevermind my parents Ali: 😾 Carly: why so sad blue eyed boo Ali: i don't like how lads treat you Ali: i'm not jealous, like swear to god, even though i obviously want you all to myself, i get it Ali: but i'm not about how shit they are to you, even if you don't care, they should care to be decent humans Carly: thats not lads its everyone Carly: youre the only one treating me different Carly: they dont know how else to be Carly: made my bed babe Ali: nah Ali: you don't deserve half the shit you get, that's bullshit Ali: and even the rest, people just don't wanna try to understand or be good, heaven forfend they inconvineince themselves for one second, like Carly: if im a slag im a slag i dont get to put conditions on it Carly: if it was a film maybe Carly: but theres no romance coming my way from theres and i dont want it Ali: why can't you just be you? someone who likes fucking, among other things Ali: not romance just like...not being a cunt Ali: idk Ali: pisses me off Carly: cuz you don't run the world even tho you strut it like you do and i love it Ali: not yet, babe Ali: one day, and you can be my right hand woman Carly: yea? Carly: take me w you & ill take you to all your fave places k Ali: k Ali: we'll be fun forever, I promise you Carly: gotta be Ali: you know i like you even when you ain't tho Ali: don't tell Carly: who would i Carly: ronans got enough for his wank bank & nobody else is chatting to me rn Ali: exactly, ruins the illusion and fantasy when they realise i care about you Ali: so unsexy of me Carly: youre sexy to me Carly: idc what they think Ali: good Ali: me either Carly: i like you too you kno Ali: yeah Ali: i had my suspicions Carly: i dont have any subtlety sorry about it Ali: Don't be Ali: I love it Ali: not enough people say what they mean or want, ever Carly: waste Carly: k i wasnt shouting how bad i wanted to kiss you before i did but not cuz i was bothered about me Ali: agreed Ali: sometimes you can't know you want something until you've got it Ali: i get it Carly: you get me Carly: its weird Ali: 🔮 Carly: ha Carly: k what am i thinking now Ali: wouldn't be proper to say Ali: tut tut bad girl Ali: like how you think though Carly: fuck Carly: youre good Ali: 🤷 don't mean to brag but remember that phrase you'll be screaming it later Ali: such a Ronan line, I can't 😂 Carly: but true Carly: not like when he says it Ali: 😍 Carly: what you doing w your sister Carly: gotta live through that cuz bored Ali: Fixing my weave Ali: getting into a white girl dread territory over here Ali: then gonna do some 🔮 forreal Ali: get ready for me to be even more of a know it all baby Carly: cute Carly: tell me my future i got some shit from another neighbor & im waiting for it to kick Carly: hows it gonna treat me Carly: needing a good trip Ali: we'll see who gets the answer first Ali: you got anything for me? Carly: yea Carly: they mystery but i kno you arent scared Carly: & you got me doing a test run rn lying on here on the grass Ali: 🌌 be there before it fades away my space explorer Carly: if you find me at a bad end prob dont take it Ali: is one of the lads trip sitting you Carly: so he reckons but hes drinking so theres no trust Carly: & he gave me it Carly: his game could be me lights out idk Ali: keep texting me, okay babe? Ali: if shit gets too real, tell me and I'll come early Ali: my sis is cool now, she gets what we're doing, she was just confused Carly: aw Carly: youre sweet Carly: you told her you like me Ali: 'course I did Ali: I ain't ashamed Ali: I'm proud Carly: youre gonna make me cry Ali: You're special, Carly Ali: You're gonna see Carly: I just wanna see you tho Ali: Me too Ali: I'm gonna make her some chamomile tea and then I'm coming, yeah? Carly: but thats not fair to her Carly: she's not gonna be a fan of me Ali: I've promised her more time tomorrow Ali: You need me rn Carly: but what if i want you to stay Carly: what are we gonna do then Ali: i'll stay until you're ready for me to go Carly: you mean that? Ali: yes Ali: promise, imma take care of you Carly: but theres nothing in it for you Carly: youve already got me you dont have to Ali: i wanna keep you Ali: and not just selfishly Ali: you gotta stick around, you're too cool to go anywhere, okay Carly: k Carly: im here & if you wanna be im not stopping you Ali: good Ali: i wanna be wherever you are Carly: i kept you pills back the lads didnt want me to but idc about them & you can follow me in now Ali: fuck them Ali: just me and you Carly: yea Carly: ill look after you too Ali: 😇 Ali: i know, i trust you Carly: idk if you should Carly: but i like it Ali: willing to take my chances Ali: you're worth it Carly: thats you Ali: i'm so glad i met you Carly: me too Carly: not that i met me thats weird Carly: you know what i mean Ali: i got you Ali: not high yet 😉 Carly: id seen you around before you guardian angel'd me that night Carly: thats weird too Carly: that i didnt see you how i do now Ali: it is Ali: you were always cute but Ali: idk, i can't claim to have seen this in my crystal ball Carly: thats cuz i wasnt cute i was a state Carly: & youd have more likely seen me sucking ronans dick Carly: look away babe you dont need to have that image in your mind Ali: don't need him reckoning he plays part in any of my fantasies, nah Ali: you can't not be cute, no matter how you try, soz babe Carly: you can't not be so sweet to me can you Ali: dunno Ali: not tried Carly: idk what id do if you did Carly: i got used to it Ali: got no plans to stop Ali: unless you ask me to, like Carly: thats not gonna be what i ask you to do Carly: trust me Ali: you can tell me all about it Ali: 5 minutes, tops Carly: okay

[punkscowardschampions]

Carly & Ali

Carly: last nite was good of you Carly: saying thanks cuz i read my text from last nite & it was Carly: I cudnt read it k thats facts Ali: nah, don't mention it, no bitch left behind Ali: plus, I know the cunt doing the ditching, been there, like Ali: was trying to translate but yeah, you were pretty fucked 😂 Ali: how you feeling this am? 💚 Carly: yea? hes not that bad Carly: im a slag like he said tbh Carly: feeling like i had a decent nite all things considered Carly: you? Ali: Gurl, yes he is and no you ain't! Ali: Probably Ali: Who cares if you are, he is, and the rest Ali: I dated him for a bit, so there's no shady, tryna steal your man on the sly going on, don't worry Ali: much the same, my head feels like someone took my eyes out and shoved 'em up my arse, you know? Ali: standard sunday vibes Carly: aw you're sweet but it's no diss on me Carly: like ive cheated on him a few times Carly: but he does it too you're right w that Carly: hes a good fuck when he's not too wasted tho which you kno if you got it too Carly: you're single now tho? Carly: can have him back if you want Ali: Fair play Ali: why not call it open and call it a day? Ali: Probs 'cos he likes fighting as much as he likes fucking Ali: Meh, yeah, was passable, gotta have some reason to keep him around, like Ali: Nah, going out with the girl that drove us back Ali: Remember? Dark hair, angry Carly: yea Carly: you know Carly: shit my bad Carly: she was scary is what i've got in my head Carly: idk my head is sketch cant trust it Ali: That's a fair assessment, I reckon Ali: She wouldn't hate it either so you good 😉 Carly: pretty tho Carly: call it a trade up Ali: Yeah, she's cute Ali: you need any more of the night filling in lemme know, I'll do my best Ali: it was pretty standard though, nothing too wild Carly: no faking it w her cuz shes too drunk Carly: designated driver be like Carly: last i see i was getting with his friend lowkey and he went off about it im blank from then Ali: its a fucking gay crime to ever fake it, no matter what Ali: I can get behind that one tho, not got the time or energy tbh Ali: yeah i think him and his friend then got in a scrap and then they left Ali: bros before hoes mentality hardcore, like idk, have fun jerking each other off then, if that's ur vibe boys Carly: k that sounds legit from what i caught on his socials Carly: didnt upload the circle jerk bless Carly: gay crimes must of been committed Ali: sad face Ali: coulda spat on his back Ali: protip Carly: ill let him know when he texts me later Carly: how did you kno where i live? state of me Carly: sorry to drag you this way Ali: plottwist, i'm a massive stalker with bad intentions Ali: I truly don't know, but I'll tell Lene she should be a cabbie 'cos she managed and I don't think we got any puke in her car Carly: k big lesbian crush on me yea Carly: ioher lots Carly: stealing her girl and wrecking her car in one Ali: Naturally, you cute Ali: I'll give you her number if you like, or just pass along the thanks and soz Carly: awh you're cuter Carly: probs still drunk tho Carly: giving me those kind words Carly: you handle the now ex if you love me Ali: Hahaha, he'd LOVE that Ali: ghosts of gf past Ali: Let me and I'll love you forever Carly: go for it Ali: let's see if I've still got his number Ali: this contact list is a minefield of mistakes but the real embarrassment would be getting them muddled up, fo'shame! Carly: i can give it Carly: used it more recently than you Carly: up there at my top Ali: won't be tellin' him that Ali: don't need the ego boost Ali: but tah Carly: makes it more fun to fuck him over if you praise him first Carly: but maybe thats me Ali: like a shit sandwich Ali: I get it Carly: hungry for anything but that rn Carly: [Sends the number tho] Ali: wanna come for brunch Ali: now you are newly gay Ali: that's what they do, fucking sex in the city up in dis bitch Carly: yea? weird Carly: not what i thought Carly: awh first date tho Ali: forreal, even the butch ones, don't let 'em fool you, its all fancy fucking eggs and screwdrivers by 11am Ali: you call 'em mimosas tho, gotta pretend you're being classy Carly: wtf is a screwdriver Ali: Babe! Ali: Vodka and orange juice Carly: i call it that Carly: gays and their labels Ali: save it for the rant sesh honey Ali: love you talking about how men ain't shit as well Carly: thats the ones i fuck Carly: cant be bringing no poshos to a caravan Ali: Posh boys are only good for the money anyway, I'm sure Ali: not finding any in 24 like regardless Carly: not gonna find out if they do drive by now im a lesbian wife Carly: sorry lads Ali: they had their chance Ali: unlucky boys Carly: should prob tell me your name again if im taking it Ali: Ruins the mystery a bit but alright Ali: Its Ali Ali: Ali McKenna if we're being formal Carly: k you've got the hot brothers Carly: makes sense Ali: 🤔 Ali: I think you're thinking of someone else, babe Carly: not trying to have our first fight but you coulda told me before we got hitched, bitch Carly: you're still hot tho don't be sad Ali: so you could run off with one of my brothers? i think not Ali: unless you meant Tommy 'cos he's very single but that's unlikely because he's never here Ali: stuck with me for now, hoe 😘 Carly: a slag like me could do worse Carly: has Ali: bitch, same Ali: we can compare notes, see how many regrets we got in common Carly: yea Carly: doing it Ali: Good, save it for brunch 'cos I'm coming forreal Ali: we don't have to deal with a gaggle of gossiping gays tho, bring you a maccies breakfast? Carly: k Carly: be fun Carly: you are from what i remember Ali: I like that Ali: No bullshit Ali: Imma start all interactions like be fun please or I'm out Ali: ✌ bringing the fun and the bacon babe Carly: you're not bringing your gf are you Ali: Nah, how awkward, meet the missus, honey Carly: like there's usually a lad in my trio sorry Carly: still learning this lesbian life Ali: oh, are you bi legit? Ali: she's way too jealous for threesomes, you're good Carly: nah i just know what lads want Ali: Oh gurl Ali: that's why Lene ain't coming Ali: the lecture you're avoiding Carly: idc Carly: youre my wife now bitch Ali: 💍💍 Ali: Productive morning, if I do say so myself Ali: and we're hanging, fuck with us Carly: good influence of you cuz i havent done fuck all this week Ali: Hard work being a bi icon, babe Ali: wait 'til I get you on the yoga hype Carly: wtf Carly: is that a joke Ali: nah, I've already done half an hour this morning Carly: bitch i had my fingers crossed you mistyped yogurt Carly: i love you but its a no Ali: 😂 lets be really into yogurt, not fancy stuff, like fucking froobs Carly: phallic Carly: slurping on my dick shaped yogurt Ali: exactly Ali: what do men love more than a representation of their genitals shoved in your mouth? nothing, is the answer, bar the real thing Ali: so seductive Carly: they don't like food in bed tho, but maybe thats my technique Carly: thinking you could use whatever Carly: k just gonna dump this curry out yea bear with Ali: spicy Ali: imagine the yeast infection you'd get from a fromage frais Carly: like sorry but if i can handle cum in my eye you can deal with some saag aloo boy Carly: googling those symptoms would be a laff tho Ali: ugh, now i want indian Carly: date 2, babe Ali: 😍 Ali: this is all moving so fast Ali: 'bout it Carly: thats all i kno about lesbians k Ali: Its so true Ali: Can confirm Carly: is your gf gonna be mad that im flirting with you Carly: cuz im scrappy but she's scary Ali: 😂 Ali: Probably but when I tell her you're straight she'll have to chill Ali: yeah, we're married BUT SHE'S STRAIGHT, BABE Carly: can't tell her how many girls ive fucked cuz i dont remember Carly: convenient Ali: Best keep that on the DL, yeah Ali: like your blatant gay feelings for me Carly: k Carly: been a secret before no big Ali: Awh babe, ain't nothing dirty about this Ali: I shall tell the world Carly: you're sweet Ali: Probably not if you still wanna be getting that D but you know, noblest intentions, like Carly: im over it Carly: go off Ali: when your pussy's the cure Ali: how can I be humble now? 😏 Carly: dont be Carly: proud slags who fucking love froobs Carly: its a mood Ali: that is a whole ass mood Ali: put it on a t-shirt, babe Carly: earn some bread for my table Ali: solid business plan Ali: we can't be the only ones Carly: independent women who don't need no dick Carly: anymore Ali: hell yeah! Ali: unless that dick wanna pay the bills, in which case we'll let 'em Ali: so we can get more froobs Carly: point Ali: oh no, someone put a pic of Molly Briggs vomming on Insta Ali: 1. gross 2. who hasn't been there, poor bitch Carly: sad Carly: hope she's alright Ali: I'd ask but don't really know her and her phone must already be blowing up Ali: plus she threw a netball right in my face once and I don't forget, bitch Ali: jk, I'll just report the pic 😂 Carly: they all call me a whore cba to keep track of which mollys or other bitches Ali: She is a bit of a bitch, ain't gonna sugarcoat it so probably Ali: not saying Karmas real but posted on that friggin' TallaghtSlags page so 🤷 Ali: grab a froob, darling Carly: her name makes me wanna party with her dad but thats as far as im fucking with that family Carly: or mum i dont know who picked it like Ali: Init, proper old skool ravers, obvs Ali: think I'm out of eccies, sadly Ali: last night depleted me Carly: Watch me call my son Bennie cos I got anxiety, baby Ali: Cute tho, whole medicine cabinet of babies Carly: why not im married now Ali: We'll get on that, date 3, like Carly: where you taking me? Ali: up the wheyyyyyyyyyy Ali: well, we had brunch, indian, obvs we're fat bitches Ali: get on that chinese buffet life Carly: you can get on your yoga mat tho Carly: im fucked Carly: letting myself go so soon my bad Ali: Please, you're perfect Ali: I'll have all the kids if you want Carly: blushing is what i am Carly: how many you want? Ali: how many people names are there for drugs? molly bennie mandy charlie umm Ali: and our preachy child, frank Carly: ha Carly: tina that's one Ali: Ooh, yes, a gay icon Carly: billy, bud our weak child, cosmic kelly who's gonna have to style that out Ali: oh kelly, I hope you have the personality to match or we've really fucked you over there, soz babe Carly: can't forget dimitri, lucy or mandy Carly: sweet sweet mary joy Ali: My fanny hurts just thinking about it Carly: christine and tina are obvs twins thats a relief Carly: how manys that? Ali: 13 Ali: Unlucky for some but my actual lucky number! Ali: Fated Carly: ha Carly: it's love and keeps being proven Ali: can't fight what's clearly so right Carly: true Ali: you want a milkshake Ali: i'm having one Carly: yea Carly: strawberry Ali: 'cos u so sweet 💚 Carly: awww Ali: I shall be right there, with brunch fit for a pair of proud slags Carly: k Carly: my parents arent here no need to break the news of wedded bliss Ali: Would be a weird first impression but I could rock it Ali: new fave in-law? I think so Carly: yea Carly: cant fight fate like Carly: been said Ali: forreal, catch me outside if you got something to say, lads Ali: alone time with the bae is always good tho Carly: you kno Carly: love you bitch Ali: love ya 😘

[punkscowardschampions]

Janis & Jimmy

After smacking Mia one (and Jim).

Janis: Soz about the shiner, like Janis: Dunna how to dodge like a decent ref should obvs...you should work on that Janis: But forreal, you're welcome for the time you got to spend in the head's office with a cold press on #schoolboyfantasiesaremadeofthis Jimmy: 🤔 You mean this tiny insignificant scratch like Jimmy: I'd say get the pads out but between you and your nan lately I'm not sure my ego's up for that Jimmy: Your plan all along was it? 👌 she's no type of mine but I appreciate you trying to be a mate 😉 Jimmy: Best bit was Gracie doing her bit to defend my honor at the end there. Maybe I DO owe her one 😂 Janis: Alright, monty python 😂 don't be a hero on my account...oh wait, advice coming too late, my bad 😉 Janis: Ah well, if you're not fancying it like, pal, good thing I'll have her to myself all this week AND next 🙄 thanks mia... now THAT was the real plan all along 😏 Janis: At least you know what her shout is already 👍 though if you could spit in Mia's next, I think she'd take that and call it quits Janis: If you make like Rocky and get steak up on your bruises, I'll get my Da to cook it for ya after, we settled too then, yeah? 😘 Jimmy: Mia's plan 100% 🙄 Am I meant to be offended that she thinks you're a lesbian still? Because I'm taking it as a compliment #prettyboy 😂 Jimmy: Shame I've got too many disciplinaries to have her banned it'd be one less skinny latte to have to expertly craft Jimmy: Maybe. What sides are we talking about? I think one more smack down and I'll be demanding my chips triple cooked Jimmy: Warn your relatives Janis: Assumedly, pretending here her stinging text slams had her intended effect, and didn't just make me fall about, like #facesoprettyyoudontseeascar 🤞 Janis: Ugh, tell your boss to do one, 'cos they'd lose half their business if you did, think on, dickhead 😒 Janis: Know your worth, babe Janis: Gotta respect that Janis: At least my Brother doesn't need to bother fighting you now I beat him to it, ay? Jimmy: Who'd you wanna be, princess (bless Gracie Lou) and basketcase already taken and athlete being the obvious choice 💪 Jimmy: Tempting offer but you can do better Jimmy: Of course that was 1 of the 10! Should've seen that coming Jimmy: Can't lie I'd much rather take you on 😉 Janis: Never seen it 🤷 but boy is Charlie Sheen's bro, yeah? So sounds legit for the family I have to endure 😏 Janis: You're not gonna end up with Grace in the end are ya? 😤 just 'cos you wanna rock the leather fingerless gloves #lewk Janis: I'll never tell 😉 his ego definitely ain't up for that Janis: we can have a rematch any time any place Janis: i'm ready 💪 Jimmy: Me either. Still break you out though. Isn't that what they do? 🤔 I'll ask your sister but not before she gives me of precious bling to take down cash converters Jimmy: My bad boy image has taken too much of a battering, literal, for me to refuse the fashion 😎 Jimmy: Let's go then. There isn't a nurse but I can still play the concussed care and run. Say when. Janis: Probs after some cringe bonding and bants, thank GOD we got that outta the way, mate 😜 Janis: Most of her jewels are from Primark so I dunna how golden your chances are, don't tell anyone like #banginonabudget Janis: What lesson you in anyway? In PE rn so usually you wouldn't get a look-in (you ain't that special, babe) but they got me coaching the first years girls for a fucking team management module and...Give me strength Janis: we talking screaming when the ball comes their way levels Janis: so I'm making them do laps whilst I shout encouragements about how it ain't that cold from my warm as shit coat, like any gym teach worth their salt 😉 Janis: Gonna get an A, like Jimmy: Oh I dunno, you and Mia still need to hug it out 😉 bet she'd love it too 💘 Jimmy: I'm in art of course #tortured soul and everyone knows you're my muse so done deal there. Jimmy: I'd come snapping but I don't need the rep that'd come with background first years in their shorts Janis: I'd sooner watch a thousand chick flicks with Gracie Janis: amongst other fates worse than death Janis: but honestly #whyareyousoobsessedwithmehun? #toolittletoolateforthisloveaffair Janis: That's probably why you're so tortured 😉 Edie Sedgewick I ain't Janis: Nah, that wouldn't help your case, there's only so much bashing that I can be a party to in a day... Janis: I get to swap with Kayleigh Dwyer next period, meant to go write up about my experience but sure I can as easily do that wherever you need to get your inspiration from, like Jimmy: 😂 it's the curse of being so #goals, hun Jimmy: I don't have a clue who that is but like I've said before you take a decent picture. Now don't get a big head (it'd fuck with my framing terrible) but it isn't half bad being stuck with you Jimmy: There is always Mia's 🦆 pout if you're really busy but like Jimmy: Since you aren't I'm thinking back to mine? Twix will happily hear about any of your running or ball based experiences Janis: Kayleigh? Rude, she sits next to you in English, the one drooling all over you and the desk? Bless her, she'll be devvo 😂 Janis: I forgot you haven't had an Ali McKenna education, she was Andy Warhol's main bitch (aside from Basquiat, tea) in all his shit films, Bob Dylan was hard for her too but she weren't really arsed so he wrote Like A Rolling Stone about her Janis: At least you didn't come for my life that hard post-bath Janis: Bad enough like, I'd have to fake my own death forreal then Janis: She'd fucking love that...do her dirty in the edit, boo, no facetune 😂 Janis: A girl after my own heart that dog, kindred spirts 😍 Janis: sounds good, always down for being out of this dump Janis: your Da's unlikely to pop back for lunch, yeah? Jimmy: I've been calling her Kourtney #awkward Jimmy: Bet she loves it anyway Jimmy: Speaking of, I still have that project to finish up (deadlines long enough to hang yourself with cheers ms sheppard) might dedicate some space on that edit to the lot of them. Fancy helping as well as inspiring? 😈 Jimmy: #satireorshadeisit? Jimmy: Good. Keep the lovefest away from me. Last thing I need is Twix licking my wounds Jimmy: Packed up his sarnies myself so we're set Janis: The KardashiKlan clout, everyone knows she's the CLASSIEST sister, SO fitting 😂 Janis: Can't be anything but a sweetheart, can you? N'awwh! Janis: Hell yeah, you clearly need my talents for cuntery, you bring the skillz, I'll bring my winning personality and large head, like Janis: How fucking rude though, tell her to keep her antiseptic spit to herself 💅 #menaintshitbabygirl #imsorryyouhadtolearnthislessonsosoon Janis: Like I said, you're just too good for this world 😇 Janis: Maybe I'll find the time between being a muse and bad influence to make you one Janis: Its no steak apology but Jimmy: 👍 Too right Jimmy: Maybe if we take the mad bitch out she won't chew a hole in anyone's face (tempting as that'd be if it was any of Mia's squad) been enough facial damages sustained for one day Jimmy: Get some very #aesthetic shots for my A Jimmy: 😇 Always on that good boy track Jimmy: Maybe I can shout you a pie and pint in that spirit Janis: Goes without saying, need the skirting and your Da's shoes to be safe for another day Janis: Should bin off the rest of the day altogether, then you could take Twix to pick the kiddo's up, Cass would be made up getting to show her off Janis: you always after those best big bro points, I know Janis: and I know it, you always want me to protest too much the other way like 😈 Janis: wholesome afternoon of dog walking and homework with bae, no wonder the entire female population of the school is so jealous 😉😘 Jimmy: Did you just have a good idea? 😮 Jimmy: But yeah world's most bog standard bro coming through 🏆💪 get that middleschool clout cass 😎 Jimmy: We just can't stop being #goals however hard we try. Damn 😘 Janis: Don't sound so surprised dickhead! I'm a wealth of cunning plans or have you forgotten Janis: Didn't hit you that hard Janis: Now who's being modest Jimothy 😊 you know you're bestest Janis: whoda thunk it, bitch, not I Jimmy: Been a while can't blame me 😏 Jimmy: 💕 Cute Jimmy: How will I survive the aft? Janis: We can go back there if you really pining Janis: and I'M the one who's sexuality is always in question Janis: #fakebaebetterthanarealone Janis: Ha ha, keep testing me and you might not Jimmy: You'd never make it. Can't get enough of me 💋 Jimmy: If you'd rather be in school doing their tests don't let me stop you 😏 Jimmy: 😎 Jimmy: Told you i'm bad Janis: 😑 Janis: bet you break before i do Janis: we'll see how bad you are, won't we Jimmy: Last shift's 💶 on it Janis: Done Janis: I've got my eye on some new kicks Janis: At least even when you lose you can still pretend you treated me 😜 Jimmy: When you lose you can pretend you don't need a man to treat you Jimmy: so many #s in that for you Janis: Imma win when I PROVE I don't need you to treat me as much as you need me to treat you, sucka! Janis: and there ain't no point in nothing if it doesn't make your 'gram captions pop off #truerwordsneverspoken Jimmy: We'll see Jimmy: so soon too ⏲ Janis: you started your countdown already, boy? Janis: keeeeeeeen Jimmy: Not ready? Shame Janis: Born ready Janis: Admittedly, got the upper hand, nothing sexy about first year girls, despite what some fourth year boys might believe Janis: you surrounded by all them loose af art hoes Jimmy: How rude of me not to pull all your focus Jimmy: yep, those blunt fringes really get me goin Janis: Well s'why I know I got the W in the bag 🤷 Janis: Called that in the air Janis: whip off those unnecessary nerd glasses and there's real beauty under there Janis: #hotdamn Jimmy: For a rom com hater you've got all the cliches down 😂 Jimmy: Quietly confident now. That shit won't help you off screen 🏆💪 Janis: Oh, you don't recall how pushy my sister is? Janis: Let's call this off rn and she'd be happy to remind you herself I'm sure 😏 Janis: I'm sure you've learnt PLENTY off a whole different typa romcom that is all types of fucked IRL Jimmy: Only if she promises to bring Tam too. I need that model height for my shoot naturally Janis: You really wanna be that letchy photographer stereotype, huh? Janis: Get the whole squad 'round for a sesh Janis: Just know they'll start a # Jimmy: #rolloutladies Jimmy: 😂 Jimmy: I'll #bowout of that one thanks Janis: Sure? It'll give you a better chance of winning the bet Janis: #knackered Jimmy: I'd rather lose Jimmy: #takemymoneyandrunaslongasIcancomewith Janis: Sweet talker. Janis: Meant to be me with the gift of the gab 🍀 Jimmy: nope, real talker Jimmy: Got up close and personal enough with Mia today thanks. Still washing these hands Janis: Same, despite what she might think, not something I fancy repeating either Janis: Though I will if she talks shit one more time Janis: So watch out if you don't want the other side to match, like Jimmy: Don't make me say I'll do it all again Jimmy: so many stereotypes already in this chat Jimmy: 💕 Janis: Ew. 💋 Janis: Best get your chat to as high a standard as poss tho, as all the guards and other inmates will be listening in Janis: Reckon's her Da can actually get me done Janis: Bitch be serious Jimmy: Doesn't he sell cars? Janis: Lmao, no Janis: Though he is 100% a used car salesman in aesthetic, you're spot on Janis: He is a lawyer or some shit so he knows realistically who gives a shit about a playground scrap but he'll try and scare my parents like they're fucking idiots so no one is ever mean to his little princess again Janis: That type 🙄 Jimmy: She wants to be a yank so bad it must hurt Jimmy: Remind me to cut my pops so slack next time he's pissing me off Jimmy: could be so much worse Janis: Too bad she's a few hundred years late for the mass migration to the states Janis: Only looking famished, like Janis: Same, wouldn't hate being as spoilt as she is but you know Jimmy: Yep, too bad you'll be waiting for those kicks Jimmy: 🎅's your best bet Jimmy: Not too late to back out 😏 Jimmy: Keep on his good side Janis: No chance Janis: I can keep him on side by keeping away from yours, simple 😜 Jimmy: You sure? There's literally songs about how much he loves 💋 Jimmy: I think he'll be mad if you don't cave Janis: 💋 for him from MILFs maybe Janis: I don't think it'll pain him to see you go without Janis: I see no mistletoe, like #demstherules Jimmy: 👌 Bet stays on Jimmy: Take your chances Janis: Way to make me sound more predatory than the big man 😲😂 Janis: If you're that scared, we can mark it down to a lose for you by default 😉 Jimmy: Not when I'll have you begging for a draw in a bit. Easy Jimmy: Just get ready to accept your loss, not reason we should both be sore Jimmy: #bruisedandbattered Janis: Pretty cocky for a boy who can't even promise A FEW bruises, like 😜 Jimmy: Waste of a 🤞 Jimmy: why talk about it when I can just do it Janis: As long as you start it, I'm allowed to finish it Janis: win win for me 😊 Jimmy: Cocky for a lass who hasn't won anything against me yet Janis: 😡 Janis: it wasn't a fair fight all those other times, thank you very much Jimmy: Maybe you were faking the skills as well as the 💕 Jimmy: awwh Janis: You won't be finding out any time soon Janis: ✌ Jimmy: So you keep saying, all talk I think 😂 Janis: All talk no action is right Janis: Prick 🖕😂 Jimmy: 😘 Jimmy: You're about me Jimmy: unlucky ☘ Janis: Shh Janis: Not all bad, I suppose, at least you've got a cute dog 😘 Jimmy: good point, what a you offering? first year having an asthma attack? 😂 #goals Janis: I never said I had anything worth sticking 'round for Janis: More fool ye for your 😍 Jimmy: Secret's safe. I won't tell Mia Janis: I think she's pretty confident she knows where she and I lie on the pecking order already 😂 Janis: not coming for her 👑 Jimmy: just her 👃 Janis: What can I say? Save daddy the surgery fees Jimmy: you're the 😇 you think I am Janis: it has been said Janis: oh wait, no it hasn't, ever 😂 Jimmy: Only because 🐶 can't speak Janis: The love is so real Janis: Its all the treats and walkies, maybe I'll have to employ the same technique on you when the bet is up Janis: Worth a shot 🎯 Jimmy: Start now #worthashot #haveyoubeentricked? 😂 Janis: I'm not quite as easy to distract as Twix Janis: All these dog comparisons, bit rude tbh, don't think I appreciate Janis: Will piss on your boots tho Jimmy: Unless we're playing pool or darts Jimmy: Make sure they're mine. My dad has only just replaced his Janis: Wasn't even you, it was pub lighting and a prick munching on his crisps too loud at the bar #dontflatterlike Janis: Will do 👍 I'm not looking to make him dislike me anymore than I already have lol Jimmy: #surejan Jimmy: least he's never about so no drama there. Been enough for one day Janis: #ihateu Janis: what's he even do, like? dead busy Jimmy: 💕 Jimmy: Warehouse Jimmy: Very much #goals Janis: Ah fun, lots of shitty shifts and long days like, I'll give him the benefit of the doubt too for being such a prick about poor Twix then Jimmy: Probably shouldn't. He bought her Janis: True...People never think how big a commitment a dog is though Janis: Twix be giving them puppy dog eyes like a pro Jimmy: before 🎄 too though what a prick Jimmy: can't even use the excuse Janis: Bleh Janis: Shoulda clued him in like 😉 #cuffed Jimmy: if I'd known he was going to do it I would've Jimmy: done now though Janis: Yeah, its just another stress you don't need, like? 😕 Jimmy: Snagged me you so maybe she's worth keeping about 😏 Jimmy: Because yeah she does take all the credit Janis: Smooth 😋 Janis: Can't go breaking my heart now, nor the kiddo's for that Janis: I can start taking her out again in the mornings, don't miss much 'bout dem days but it was decent having a running buddy Jimmy: Fancy some company or you wanna be alone with your true love? Janis: You reckon you can keep up, yeah? Janis: Not having you slowing me down 😉 Jimmy: Can't be using me as your excuse thanks 💪 Jimmy: maybe I'll come with then when I'm not working, leave you in no doubt Janis: Its a date, mate Jimmy: 💕 Janis: That's probably them more than sufficiently warmed up Janis: Get back to work, slacker 💚 Jimmy: 🎨📷 will do Jimmy: not too hard though, gotta keep my 💪 up for the victory party you'll owe me Janis: In your dreams, baby 💋 Jimmy: see you there 😘

[kateofthecanals]

11 Questions

I was tagged by both @maidenoftheforestlight and @bluelemonsforever so Imma combine them in one post!

First, Blue’s Qs:

1.  What feature about yourself do you think is really beautiful and you wouldn’t change for anything? Hard question. I don’t think any part of me is particularly beautiful, but my nose is the only feature I’ve never fussed about, LOL.

2.  What movie or play would you cast yourself in because you could totally nail the part?  Doesn’t have to be a main character. When I was younger, Scarlett O’Hara. Nowadays, Kate from Taming of the Shrew. ;-)

3.  Which Golden Girl are you?  Percentages of two or more Golden Girls is fine but specify.  Dorothy, 100%.

4.  Describe the worst boss or co-worker you’ve ever had in one sentence. My first boss out of college was such an asshole, he drove his own son to suicide.

5.  What food or drink from ASOIAF sounds really good to you based on GRRM’s description?  Honey chicken and crusty bread. :-)~~~~

6.  Since you guys are all Sansa fans, is there anything you would change about how GRRM handled writing her character considering the hate she gets?  Would have been nice to see SOME interaction between Sansa and Arya that wasn’t all hostile all the time. But on the whole, I wouldn’t change much just to appease people who are unable to read her chapters with any grain of nuance. It’s not George’s job to hold your hand. He trusts the reader enough to be able to see past the surface.

7.  Name something your opinion has completely changed about a full 180 degrees. Brussells sprouts.

8.  What character is your favorite villain, the one you love to hate? I’m not talking a gray character, but one that is truly bad that does it so well. I don’t really enjoy non-gray, irredeemable villains. People who are just bad for the sake of being bad give me no pleasure tbh.

9.  What non-facial feature and non-genital body part do you think is really sexy in an ideal partner? Hands. Seriously, ugly or weird-looking hands is a complete deal-breaker for me. I’m also partial to forearms and necks...

10.  What’s one thing that you’ve always wanted to learn to do but never got around to it?  Playing a musical instrument. I HAVE MUSIC IN MY HEART!!!

11.  One line or passage from a movie or novel that utterly slayed you. “Always.”

Maiden’s Qs:

1. If you could be born into any noble house in Westeros which would you choose and why? Stark, of course! Even though I am a total wuss when it comes to cold weather, lol. But they just represent ideals and values that I, well, value!

2. If you had to start your own house what would you choose as your sigil and what would it symbolise? A small flame encased in a bubble.

3. Least favourite character from asoiaf who isn’t an absolute villain and why. Dany. No real reason other than I find her chapters boring.

4. Favourite character from asoiaf who isn’t an obvious protagonist or “good guy” and why. Y’ALL ALREADY KNOW! #Sandorbae

5. As a Sansan shipper, what would you consider to be the strongest aspects of their relationship that make them good for each other? They balance each other. He brings some salt to her sweet, and vice versa.

6. What do you think would cause the most arguments between them as a couple? I think his insecurities would get on Sansa’s nerves, and I think she would get tired of constantly trying to reassure him. And I think he would get jealous of how easily she is able to engage with people and make friends.

7. If you could visit any fantasy world from any book or film where would you go? This is tough because I feel like any fantasy world has the potential for serious trouble, LOL. But damn I’d love to chill out in the Gryffindor common room...

8. If you could marry any character from the asoiaf series, who would it be and why? Ned. He just seemed to be a genuinely caring and loving husband without being too “fluffy” lol..

9. What is your favourite Sansan moment and why?  Any moment where one offers the other comfort, i.e.: “He was no true knight” or when he wipes the blood off her lip.

10. Other than Sansan, do you have another major asoiaf ship? If you do, tell us about it. “Major” ship? No, not really. I do very much enjoy Alys & Sigorn, though, there are many SanSan-esque aspects about them. ;-)

11. If you could change any event in the asoiaf series, what would it be and why and how would you change it? I don’t think there’s anything I would “change”, rather there are just so many things I want more information about. Chiefly, Sansa’s actually thoughts and feelings about stuff like, oh I don’t know, having a dream about the Hound naked in her marriage bed???

My Qs:

1. Which ASOIAF character do you relate to the most and why?

2. What’s your go-to SanSan jam?

3. When did you first start reading ASOIAF and who/what introduced you to it?

4. Who was your first celebrity crush?

5. Confess one unpopular opinion re: ASOIAF!

6. If you could ask GRRM one question, what would it be?

7. Hodor?

8. If you could cosplay one ASOIAF character, who would it be?

9. If you could go back in time and bring one historical figure back to 2017, who would it be?

10. Who from the entire WOIAF universe would you choose as your champion in a trial by combat?

11. SHOW ME A PICTURE OF YOUR PET(S) (if you have any)!!!

Clapping back @maidenoftheforestlight and @bluelemonsforever, and also tagging @sillier-things, @rosehustle1, @amplifyme, @daises-cats-and-spacemen, @ladycyprus, @itsjustanerdthing, @srwredhead, @devilsbastion.