#oh OOOHHHH also wait i forgot to add

[secretswansong]

learning about the dorsal light reflex of moths/termites/gamu-gamo etc has altered my brain chemistry. like a moth to a flame. so this whole time. it looks like they are drawn to the light. the light is actually fucking up their sense of direction and orientation. jesus fucking christ

[noexit-ff]

1.

Adam pressed a kiss to my cheek “I will see you soon, hopefully you can come to me” smiling at him “I will see what I can do because of the album I am kind of stuck here, see you soon” waving him off, he has been like hell so I am glad he is going. We need a little break away, away from each other. I saw Chris just once which was two weeks ago and he didn’t let it go, he knows everything about Chris but wants to be all in secure. The door closed “it’s been awful here!” Mel spat aloud “spill the details” Jen chimed in “Chris Brown add Adam equals?” Mel pointed at Jen “we all know Rihanna so spit it out” Mel said because Jen is taking her time, they are so annoying, I am not that bad “Rihanna fake hiding away from him and giggling?” I scoffed aloud “I hate y’all, it was nothing. He was there and I was laughing because he is stupid. Come on it is Chris, he just has that face” I said defending myself, nobody else will defend me “oh, right. Maybe should have kept your ass in London, he knows you both can’t keep away from each other. But you have a man now” eyeballing Mel “see, Jen knows. I have a man, I have been with him for a year so shut up!” Mel waved me off “that is why you won’t go to the studio now” I hate this bitch so much “if I was Adam I wouldn’t have left cheater over there” grabbing the pillow and throwing it at Mel, I am done with her mouth.

It's all stupid talk, it’s been what, going on four years. I am over and done with that, we tried and it failed but I won’t go back there “I am sorry, are you mad at me still?” staring at the TV ignoring Mel, she is not helpful and never has been “oh come on, she is only mad because I am right Jen. We all know the situation, why is she acting like this with me. I just feel if you cannot handle your feelings then maybe you should have gone with Adam, saves you from cheating” my mouth fell open turning my head to Mel “first of all I was never going to cheat, second of all Chris can’t keep his dick in his pants. He has had hundreds of women so I do not want that. Even when we got back together he was cheating so I am done, thanks. Stop bringing up old wounds, bitch” getting up from the couch “you only sensitive because you felt a certain way” people assume shit, they assume because I see Chris I am going to jump into his pants. I am hurt by him, he is my first love so of course I will still have feelings when I see him, that is it.

I feel so in my feelings, I feel attacked. The team was all there and saw it, that is not my fault when we are together it happens, it’s a connection. Holding my bed covers close to me “you really got back in bed, so are we going to Diddy’s all white party? Jay is asking” I am glad Jen came to speak to me and not Mel “which Jay?” I mumbled “Brown, I mean Jay Brown” rolling my eyes “Robz, why are you upset? Mel is only concerned and is saying the truth because we all see it, when you come to LA you knew this would happen” flicking the tear away “well, you are also making jokes by saying Brown, I mean Jay Brown. Shit is never funny, not to me. You right, I was supposed to be Brown right now, I was supposed to me married, shit happens. I don’t need my team acting out, I don’t need the jokes when you all know my feelings. I have had it with him and then you, and her. I call my mom, I heard this happened. Just drop it, I will get over this and I will be down. Yes I am going” they think it’s all some joke, it’s never been a joke because they are not me, I am living in this. I am living this, I am with a man that treats me well but don’t love, and never will.

Yusef and I stared at the two dresses, I narrowed it down to two but I loved them all “I want you to go to that party and have all eyes on you, or you can mingle with the rest. Up to you but personally, I want you to take over that party” mingle with the rest or take over the party, I am Robyn Rihanna Fenty so I will take over that party “you know me, man’s out of town so let’s party” clicking my fingers getting up “yes bitch, that is how I like it! You know all those men are going to be drooling over you” looking behind me laughing “I would step on their necks with my heels and they will love it, let’s get to work” Mel has been so quiet, sat in the corner not saying a word. Grabbing two Corona bottles, she is my friend and she knows me. She is being harsh on me but I can’t at times take that, she is my bitch and I want to make it up with her. Walking towards the couch behind her, placing the bottle in front of her face “you better get ready, we have a party to go too bitch” Mel smiled taking the bottle “you know I love you Robz” smiling at her “I knew that” shimmying away.

“You know we are like two hours late” Yusef added “the fact we started early and we are still late” I shrugged continuing to dance “we be fucking around too much” Jen said, she right “Rich is here bitches!” Mel announced, rolling my blunt up “welcome to the party, I am done. Just finishing the blunt off” I need it for my journey there “fine by me” Rich sat down “stand up hoe, show us the full length” getting up from the couch “Stella McCartney bitch” I twirled “ooohhhh you look so good, your back is glistening. If only I didn’t like dick” Jen said, she always says this “mhmmm if I don’t get married then I will come to you” I will hold her to that, placing the blunt in my bag. I am going braless tonight, fixing the diamond necklace around my neck. I love the white crop top and then the flowing gown at the bottom, I am showing my stomach and back but like Yusef said, I want to be the life of the party and that is me.

Taking the blunt back from Mel “you actually rolled a good ass blunt bitch, I am so proud of you” Mel is funny, she knows I roll good ass blunts “whatever, hater hoe. I may need another one but I will roll one when I get inside” looking down at my phone seeing Adam calling me, how about I ignore this because he has been stank with me the whole time so fuck him “look at me” Mel spat, blowing the smoke out from my lips looking at Mel “least warn me that you are taking pictures, I wasn’t ready” she turned the phone to me “that flash near blinding me, I look good though” looking ahead of us at the traffic “why ain’t this shit moving, is this to the party or something else?” I asked, we been in this since forever “an accident up ahead” rolling my eyes, of course there is.

Reaching the party, finally we are here “looks like other people are late too, we good” the driver stopped right outside the white carpet “he really gone with this white theme, here Jen” passing my bag to Jen, I don’t want to be carrying that around. Rich opened the door for me, he has made this like it’s an award show with the carpet and photographers “we think a like being late” hearing Pharrell say as I got out of the car “oh my gosh, how are you” hugging him “good, I was thinking I am sure this is Rihanna and it is. Let’s walk the carpet together” I guess there is going to be a lot of celebrities in this thing.

Diddy pointed at me “you came! You didn’t say anything or reply but you came. You look so good, don’t she” waving off Diddy “shut up, I look ok. Cassie you look so beautiful” hugging her “thank you but not as good as you, you really did well. Who made it?” she looked me up and down “Stella McCartney” Cassie gasped “this is so beautiful, so glad you came. We weren’t sure in keeping your corner open but you got it, you can go and do your thing with your crew. Thank you for keeping with the code” smiling at her “thank you” seeing Diddy son Justin “don’t be trying your player game with me, licking your lips at me boy” pointing at him, he done tried that last time “you can’t hate him for trying Rihanna” his dad said, shaking my head hugging him.

I am pretty impressed with the party, even though there is everyone from the industry here and I am done with fake smiling “you see the way Cassie grabbed onto her man though like calm down girl, you only like light skinned men” Mel said in my ear, rolling my eyes “a lot of the women did that today but I am not interested, I have a man” speaking of him, let me reply to his text asking me where I am, he is probably having a fit that I am taking my sweet time.

To: Adam

From: Rihanna

At Diddys party speak soon

Pressing send getting up from the couch “getting a drink” I can’t be bothered to be even waiting for the service, I want my drink now, not later “you want anything” I pointed at my team shouting “no” they shook their heads.

Walking by people, I don’t want to say hi anymore because I am done, I just want to drink and be in my own zone “Rihanna” Rich tapped my shoulder, looking behind me. Looking to where he is pointing “Jay” smiling at him “you actually came to party in LA” hugging Jay Z “well it’s diddy’s party so why not” moving back from the hug “how is Bey?” I shouted over the music “she is ok, in New York” Jay Brown came from behind Jay Z “not you” pointing at him “what did I do now?” He laughed hugging me “what don’t you do, I text you saying when shall I do studio time and you ignored me” hitting his shoulder “you told me you weren’t well and then I pretty much forgot sorry” I said side eyeing him “I am getting a drink, want anything?” they both held their drinks up “talk after” this is me trying to not talk anymore, I just want to be left alone.

Maybe this dress wasn’t a good idea, I have to hold the bottom. I near tripped on myself, looking down at myself holding the gown up a little. That is so much better, thank god. Feeling someone hit into me as I looked up, feeling myself lose balance of life “woah!” the person said, feeling a hand on my back as this person bought me back onto my feet, that hand, the touch alone I knew that touch and my body tingled. Every hair on my body stood up “sorry, Rihanna. What are you doing here?” Chris said, a rush of people came by and it was like I blinked and he was gone “Are you ok?” Rich asked me, a little too late “I need that drink now, just get me there” I don’t even want to look around me, I just have a feeling what is happening, the stares.

I bought myself as many drinks as I could hold, shots, beer, Vodka bottle. Sitting down next to Mel, making myself comfortable again. I don’t even want to look at them, I also know what they are staring at “just say it” I said grabbing the shot “well that was awkward, we saw that coming Robz. We was like oh no, look up Rihanna but you was busy looking down, Chris just came at you and we all gasped” throwing back the shot “it was like a love story” Jen added, placing the glass down “thanks for saving me bitches, thank you” he is here, just what I needed “anyways, anything else happened besides what happened to me?” can we speak on something else besides me “uh no, just watching the car crash happen” of course they was.

Stood up so I could see the stage from here, Diddy is thanking everyone for coming “is this coming to us?” Jen shouted, seeing the sparklers and a bottle of champagne being held. The guy placed the bottle down on our table “who sent this?” I asked, the guy pointed at the other side of the place. Seeing Chris hold up a glass at me, turning my head not saying a word more “free champagne, we don’t care” now he knows where I am so he can stare at me all he wants “I just want to say thank you so much for coming out to the party so let’s turn up!” Diddy shouted, clapping my hands cheering. The beat dropped for Hypnotize “this my song” bopping my head.

Mel hit my arm “just act cool” she said to me, what is she even on about “I need a refill” looking up at Chris “wrong table” I retorted “is it? Why are you blowing me off? Friends can drink together, who cares? Who is looking?” looking behind Chris seeing a whole audience, he needs to look behind him “I think Chris has drunk more than us” Chris sat next to me “clearly, he has” I mumbled “fill the glass Mel” he really came here with his glass, he is awful “I think you need to go back to your friends, you’re drunk” looking to the side of me “I came to sit with a friend, don’t blow me off like you always do. Unless your man is here” we are too damn close for my liking “your glass Chris” Mel passed it to him “is everything ok here?” my manager asked, “why wouldn’t there be?” Chris was quick to say, I look pissed off but I am, not at Chris but just everything “everything is fine Jay” I don’t want no arguments, he is half drunk and I don’t want nothing to happen to him anyways.

Jay walked off, I am glad he did “you look beautiful tonight” it’s so hard, this is so hard that I can’t even look at him “thank you Chris, I think your people want you” looking at him, I made a mistake by looking at him. His eyes are hooded, a drunk Chris is always a pleasure but he does silly things “I think you want to get rid of me” his eyes glistening, the drink must be getting to me “how did you know? Then why won’t you go?” his leg brushing against my leg as he shifted next to me “you ditched me Rihanna, I didn’t ditch you. You made me go, you didn’t even let me explain. You know I want you and always did but you ran, you ran and now you are hanging in LA thinking I won’t question you about it” feeling Chris’ hand on my wrist “you wanted two lives, you didn’t want to settle. I did, you weren’t the Chris I fell for” he knows I was about to go “you cheated on me and didn’t stop” snatching my arm away “but clearly I am still the same guy and clearly you haven’t settled down, now what Rihanna?” Jen looked away as our eyes met “nothing, there is nothing. Look, you’re drunk and I am intoxicated, we will just end up arguing. Just leave it, leave it in the past. Friends ok? Let’s just leave it” I am done with it already.

Placing the glass down, Chris hasn’t moved away from me even though we are quiet. Shifting on the couch so I am facing Chris “how come you’re still sat here?” I don’t get it “because we don’t need to speak sometimes, we can just let the connection work. How are you going to say I wasn’t the same guy you fell for when you know I was, we got back together we was happy” nodding my head laughing “you right, I was Chris. Getting back the love of my life, yes I was. Thanks Chris. Thank you for fucking it up, it was you. I run away because it’s easier then facing you, like now. Why are doing this now? Fuck” he is so annoying “because I can’t fucking let you go, I see you and you’re mine. I fucking love you still, till this day. You blocked my number and you dogged me out too, I did cheat and I fucked it up. We ain’t settled and you know that, you haven’t either” getting up from the couch “see, you are running away again. Like you always do” he got up also facing me “I have a man, leave me” this is so hard for me “say it like you mean it Robyn, don’t give me Rihanna. Don’t speak to me Rich, I am going” maybe I shouldn’t have stayed in LA, Mel said I should have went.