#oh I've literally just realised the post said text post

[angelst4re]

Hi angel 💕 Could you write a counterfeit jamie smut where the reader used to be friends with benefits with him and he comes back to her town on tour and she ends up in his hotel room if you know what I mean 🤭I love you’re writing <3

hi lovely!! thank you so much!! im sooo sorry for making you wait so long THIS REQUEST IS LITERALLY FROM FEBRUARY??? i hope it's worth the wait :)

Addiction- Counterfeit!Jamie x Reader

warnings: NSFW!!! this contains smut so if that makes you feel uncomfortable then please don't read!! <3

notes: it's been a while... for the last month i've been so busy and when i haven't been busy i've been thinking about noah sebastian and/or cillian murphy (jamie i am sorry i'm in a hoe phase rn!!) but i also have a henry creel drabble to post tomorrow as well so keep an eye out for that :) ALSO I WANNA SAY A BIG THANK YOU FOR BEING PATIENT WITH ME!!!! (p.s. this isn't proof read and i wrote this over the span of three weeks so i apologise for any mistakes!!)

When you received the message from Jamie telling you he’s playing a show in your city, you couldn’t contain your excitement. You were out for lunch with two of your friends, who were questioning the wide grin on your face. 

“Oh, I just know she’s texting Matt again,” one of your friends smirked, eyeing you up, “are you ever going to meet up with him? You’ve been talking for almost 3 months?!”

“Oh, no, it’s Jamie. He’s playing here with his band next month, he wants me to come and see them. He’s sent two tickets, I could ask for an extra one if you wanted to come with me-”

“That’s perfect! You can ask Matt to come with you!” Your other friend suggested, although it came off as more of a demand. 

“But what if he asks about how I know Jamie? I couldn’t really explain that on a first date.” 

“Well, just tell him he’s a friend, maybe leave out the ‘with benefits’ part.”

“We stopped that a while ago, actually. I haven’t seen him for almost a year, we’re kinda just friends now.” 

“Then that’s your story sorted then,” your friend grinned, picking your phone up from the table and placing it in your hand, “now tell Matt he’s got a concert to go to.” 

You were surprised when Matt texted back, telling you he’s never heard of counterfeit before, but he’ll happily listen to them and come with you. You felt a little bad for lying to him, telling him you had no one else to come with you as your friends were working that weekend. 

On the evening of the show, Matt came to pick you up. You would’ve usually dressed quite casual for a concert, specifically one of Jamie’s, but this was also a date. You stepped out of your house wearing a black dress, comfortable shoes and a cute handbag to match the outfit. 

“You look amazing,” Matt said, unable to wipe the smile from his face, “let’s get going!” 

───── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ─────

“That guy right there,” Matt shouted through the noise, pointing at Jamie, “is your friend?” His mouth was open in disbelief as you nodded your head. He had already had four beers, and you had only been here just over an hour. 

“Yeah, I met him at one of the restaurants I used to work at. It’s a funny story actually, some crazy fangirls were waiting outside for him to leave so I kinda helped him ‘escape’ through the back…” You trailed off as you noticed he wasn’t paying attention to anything you were saying, his attention was elsewhere. 

“Cool, I’m gonna get another drink, do you want one?” 

You shook your head and watched as he disappeared off into the crowd. 

Your eyes were drawn to Jamie, reminiscing on the times you had spent together. The times your bodies were intertwined beneath the covers and the times you spent laughing together in the car. You missed him, it was truly like it was a ‘right person, wring time’ kind of situation. 

Time passed and passed and you realised Matt hadn’t come back yet. Surely the line wasn’t that long? You just assumed he had gone to the bathroom, especially after drinking that much. But another 15 minutes passed and he still hadn’t returned, so you went to search for him. You assumed he wouldn’t have wandered far from the bar, so you were heading in that direction. 

───── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ─────

You were pushed up against the hotel door, slamming it shut as his lips met yours. One of your hands found his hair whilst the other was grasping at his shirt, as if you were hanging on to him for your life. The familiar smell of his aftershave, mixed with cigarettes gave you a feeling of nostalgia, and it was as if you were experiencing deja vu. 

His hands were on your thighs, pushing your dress up higher and higher, until his cold hands met your bare hips. 

“Jamie,” you gasped, pulling back for air. As if he couldn’t take his mouth off you, his lips were now on your neck, kissing and nibbling the spot he knew would make your knees buckle. 

The last thing you expected tonight was to leave the show with the singer. With Jamie. But after you went to look for Matt, you caught him with his tongue down another girl's throat. A part of you felt sick, betrayed, but another part of you felt relieved. However, you would never admit that’s how you felt, especially not to your friends. 

Jamie had given you a backstage pass, and cleared it with security before the show. You knew how the night was going to end as soon as you received the text from him. 

“Why does this always happen,” Jamie asked rhetorically, against the skin of your shoulder as he continued to pepper kisses, “always end up coming back to you.” 

You smile at his words, it was true. The two of you just couldn’t seem to keep your hands off each other when you were together. 

Before you could process what had happened, you were pushed against the table, and Jamie took your thighs, lifting you to sit on the edge of it as he got down to his knees. 

His kisses began at your ankle, and he looked up at you as they got closer and closer. Your calves, your knees and eventually your upper thigh. 

“I’ve missed you.” He confessed as he held your thighs open, one finger pushing your underwear to the side. 

He dragged a finger through your slick folds, earning a sigh from you as he grazed your clit. You looked down to see a smirk plastered on his face. His eyes briefly met yours before he placed a kiss over your clit, the tip of his tongue nudging it as you dug your nails into the underneath of the wooden table you were sitting on. Jamie quickly noticed this, and the hand that was holding your legs open for him guided your hands back to his hair. 

“Shit.” You gasped as you felt a finger gently press into your entrance, his lips now wrapped around your clit, sucking and nipping at it. “M-more…” You managed to whisper. 

“That’s not how we ask for something, is it, darling?” Jamie teased, a devilish glint in his eyes as two of his fingers pressed into you, agonisingly slow. 

“Please,” you whimpered, “I need… I want more, please, Jamie.” 

Jamie chuckled, his thumb now replacing his mouth on your clit as his fingers pumped in and out of you. He stood back up, towering over you before leaning down to kiss you, giving you a taste of yourself as he did so. 

“I’ve missed hearing you beg,” he whispered, “come on, sweetheart, let go for me. I know you're close.” 

He was right. You swore he knew your body better than you did. 

You could feel the knot in your belly tightening, getting ready to snap at any moment. 

“You’re making such a mess, y’know that? My messy girl, can feel you dripping down my hand,” you could tell what he was doing, he was trying to push you to the edge, he knew what effect his words had on you, and he was taking advantage of that, “that’s it, angel. You can do it, cum for me.” 

And that did it. 

Your head was thrown back, your thighs trying to close around him as he continued to work you through your orgasm. The moans falling from your lips were muffled by his as he slipped his tongue into your mouth. 

His fingers slipped out of you and he reached for your thighs, his slick coated fingers leaving your skin sticky as he pressed his body against yours, causing you to wrap your legs around his waist as he carried you towards the bed. 

As your back hit the mattress, he began to undress. You took off your ruined underwear before you reached for your dress, to slip it off, but he called out to stop you. 

“Hey, leave it on. It looks so fucking sexy.” He growled, unbuckling his belt to let his trousers fall to the ground. 

He kneeled on the bed and shuffled his way between your legs, holding them open for him as he leaned down to kiss you once again. 

“Jamie, please.” You whined, lifting your hips to try and get him to do something. 

“Fuck, I don’t know if I’m going to be able to hold back, darling. It’s been a while since I’ve…” He doesn’t finish his sentence as you reach your hand between your bodies, palming his hard cock through his boxers. 

He grabs your wrists, his fingers digging into the skin sure to leave bruises for you to look back on in the days to come. 

“I didn’t tell you that you could touch, now, did I?” His eyes had darkened with need and lust, and the way his face twisted into a devilish smile made a whimper slip from your lips. “So desperate for me, aren’t you baby. I knew all those years ago I had ruined you for any other man, this just proves it, hm?” 

With one hand pinning your arms above your head, the other one comes down to drag his thumb over your bottom lip, before you welcome him into your mouth, gently sucking on the tip of his thumb. 

“Shit,” he muttered under his breath, “keep your hands here, okay? I know you will, you’re my good girl, right?” 

You nod your head and manage to say a muffled ‘yes’ as his thumb presses down on your tongue as he uses his now spare hand to push his boxers down, letting his cock free from its restraints. 

He wastes no time, swiping his fingers over your slick, spreading it over his dick before pumping himself a couple times. His breathing is heavy as he lines himself up with you, your hips squirming as you wait for him to finally push in, but he takes his time teasing you beforehand. When the tip finally slips into you, you both let out a moan and his head falls forwards, buried where your neck meets your shoulder. 

It’s clear that neither of you have had any action lately, as you both need to take a moment before Jamie begins to move. You dig your nails into the pillow as he begins to slowly move his hips. 

His hand that was once over your mouth trails down and rests on your neck, applying a little pressure as your eyes fall shut. You feel how his cock slides into you, nudging spots inside you that made you shiver. He would pull back out until only the tip was left inside, before fucking back into you, getting progressively rougher. 

“You look so pretty like this, baby.” He said before leaning down to capture your lips with his. 

You wrapped your legs around his waist, keeping your hands planted above your head as you melted into the kiss. You took advantage of the use of your legs, if you couldn’t touch him with your hands. 

One of Jamie’s hands slid between your bodies to find your clit again, using his thumb to try and bring you the edge, knowing he wouldn’t last much longer. In the past, you and Jamie went maybe 2 or 3 rounds sometimes in one night. However, it was different tonight. You hadn't seen each other in a long time, let alone had sex. 

His pace began to quicken, his thrusts getting rougher and rougher. He buried his face in your neck once more and you couldn’t help but tangle your fingers into his hair, gently tugging on the blonde locks. 

“Shit,” he gasped, masked by a dark chuckle as he kissed your neck. 

“J-Jamie…” Your mind was too clouded by everything to even think about forming a proper sentence, but Jamie knew you and your body better than you knew yourself, and vice versa. 

You knew he was getting close by the way his cock twitched inside you. Your grasp on his hair tightened as you felt your high getting closer and closer. 

“Inside.” Was the final word you managed to mutter into his ear before you came undone, your legs locking around him, making sure he wouldn’t pull out before you came down from your high. 

As you were beginning to catch your breath, your muscles relaxing as you lay there blissed out, felt him twitch in you once more, cumming inside you with a moan, followed by your name. You rocked your hips as he stilled inside of you, milking his cock of every last drop. 

“Fuck,” he groaned, follow by a chuckle as he smiled lazily down at you, “you don’t understand how much I’ve missed you.”

[dullahandyke]

yippee yippee yippee yippee eimear con haul!!!!

Hi. It was my birthday recently and I'm bad to shop for so instead of gifts I got money to spend at Kaizokucon. So here's a haul. Under the cut bcos I couldnt fit it nicely in one picture and I wanna ramble

ok we're gonna take it one picture at a time ^_^ the ID in the alt text explains what everything is if u just wanna see what i got without the rambling sure to come with it. links in rambling r to the artists of the fan stuff where i can find em ^_^ only one of them is a direct link to the product tho bcos some ppls shops r down and some ppl dont have all their stuff online. lemons_arent_green youre a real one

Ok the flat stuff!!! black rock shooter poster bcos i already have a figure but i liek her... badass anime girl ily.... was so so sure i saw a reigen keychain but when i went to go get one there weren't any so i got this sticker sheet instead :3 SPEAKING OF KEYCHAINS!!! yippee yippee kaguya i love you youre my special little tiempsy. yue you are a gay anime boy with a cool design. tomoyo ive always felt a kinship with you and its because im a desperate dyke. monokuma is here ig 🙄 i put him on my carabiner and hes fun to stim with. i am not immune to the sdr2 fanboying. also full disclosure ive not watched naruto (its in the spreadsheet) i just thought funko pop sasuke keychain was really really funny. my son who stares into my soul. comparatively i dont have as much to say on the badges!! luka luka fever for real girlie ily. the bandori ones were blind bags and i got himari on my first try <3<3<3<3<3<3 sorry eve i kind of dont care. 🙁 the dr girlies i kinda picked at random based on who i've been vibing w lately.

THE POKEMON DIORAMA!!!! its soooo cool, staff were setting up the trade hall so i was in there all day friday and this shop was one of the first to set up their stands and i was literally staring at it all day... so fucking awesome. the rings n the necklace r from the same shop look at them... im fucking obsessed w the catgirl necklace. literally look at her. i dont thiiink shes supposed to be a specific character but she might be. oh well. cat girl ily. aaaand the arisa stand is actually a little clip for papers n stuff!! she was also a blind box but specifically for popipa so i was gonna b happy w whoever <3

MIIIIKUUUUUU MY PRINCESS MY EVERYTHING!!!!! she was calling to me she beckoned..... shes actually rlly big irl shes the biggest figure i have, replacing my kokoro one... shes the one where i audibly said 'it was my birthday i can buy things' bcos figures spencey... she wasnt too bad actually i just like bitching. 6 euro axel for scale

BOOKS 💥💥💥 i was reading nana a while back and i dropped it but i gotta pick it up again... rlly pretty and awesome... aaaand the summer hikaru died!!! kay if youre seeing this then know you posting abt it convinced me <3 i originally got it bcos i was on door duty in a quiet area and didnt wanna spend my time draining battery life on my phone but after i bought it i realised that that was literally a terrible idea so <3 we'll get around to them soon

FINALLLYYYYYY TSHIRTS!!! the top yellow one was my staff t-shirt, it has 'staff' on the back i was wearing it all weekend and yippee i love it.... emotional bond.... and if this is a safe space can i just say. if kaito was a woman? would. next up FAYE FUCKIN VALENTINEEEE!!! do u remember that post i made going thru all the sellers that were gonna b at the con that started like 'i hate shounen fans. name a woman'? well this is the seller i was talking about but all was forgiven in the name of FAYE ! GODDAMN ! VALENTINE ! ugh i love you girlie. and the last t-shirt was given out free to staff after the closing ceremony!! it was the tenth anniversary of kaizokucon so we got this awesomes design yay.... wore it to classes today hoping somebody would comment on it and nobody did 😌and in the middle i got CLOW CARRRDS BITCHES!!!!!! i saw them and immediately all thought left my fucking brain. i needed them. so important. the seller also recognised the axel in my fanny pack yippee!!!! a few people recognised him over the weekend actually and i was always like yes!! the him

anyway. yippee! yippee! yippee! yippee! yippee! yippee! yippee! yippee! yippee! con con con con con :)

[starglitterz]

Quill!!! if it's not too intrusive, pls give us your top 10 y/n moments lol!!!!

HAHAHSKDJKJSD omfg who sent this in 😭😭😭 this is so funny tho i'll def do it (shameless plug btw, i have a whole series based on my irl experiences w romance called to all the boys i've loved before [totally original, ik] u should check it out!!)

these aren't in any particular order btw it's just the ones i rmb HAHA also i think these are pretty recent i tried not to include any of the ones i alrdy have in the series 👍

10. when i went for an anime con and i had just arrived, and after taking a pic w this one cosplayer his friend (in a kirito cosplay) came up to me and asked if he could princess carry me for a pic HSKJDK

9. when i visited my highschool for a festival thing and found out that one of my juniors had a crush on me (and still did??) and had told all his friends abt how cute and pretty he thinks i am HAHAHA (a total ego boost tbh someone should have told him that i am actually not all that)

8. being in a love triangle except it wasn't really a triangle it was like my two guy best friends had crushes on me at the same time and had a falling out over me (not to be amy dunne from gone girl but i did always want 2 guys to fight over me GOODBYE)

7. this one guy that was texting me and asking me on a date kept flirting w me and it was so stupidly lame that it was cute

6. going for my college orientation party and having a few guys ask me for my insta (honestly i had never expected this would happen I WAS SO KJASKJDKSJD ABT IT)

5. at the same orientation party some random older guy tried to hit on me so i ran away and this other guy i had met earlier was rlly nice and waited w me until my transport arrived and texted later to ask if i had gotten home safely 🥺 (the bar for men is like 700 feet under the ground)

4. at the anime con (same as earlier) i got kabedoned by this girl cosplaying gojo and she said i looked rlly cute and i nearly collapsed

3. HAHA I CANT BELIEVE I ALMOST FORGOT THIS BUT on my birthday i went on the bus to get home and the guy behind me was in my course, and he recognised me so we were talking for a bit until he realised it was my bday, and he literally asked the guy next to him to please switch places so we could sit tgt and he could wish me properly 😭it was so cute he had like golden retriever vibes HAHA and we were talking the entire time it was vv fun

2. yk that thing where u compare hand sizes but then they hold your hand HAHAHA that actually happened to me w one of my new friends 💀 he has rlly nice hands tho so no complaints here PLSKJWDKJS

1, ok guys now this one is some real life kdrama bs istg i felt like it was a movie while it was happening 😭 so basically the bus was pretty much full and i ended up sitting next to this rlly cute guy. and my brain was going 'damn i wanna talk to him', but i had to put my purse away first. so i was trying to put it in my bag, but it slipped and fell onto the floor and he was like 'oh!', and then i had to bend down and pick it up while thinking 'NOO this is so embarrassing he probably thinks im a dumbass'. and then i managaed to embarrass myself further 👍 guess what? while trying to sit back up again i literally hit my head against the chair in front of me and went 'ow!' out loud and the guy was like 'oh no are you okay 😭⁉' and i was like 'yeah... just super embarrassed HAHA' and we started talking from there KJSDKSJD i could talk abt this forever bc so much cute stuff happened but tldr he was like the total package but then i got ghosted BYE

ok thanks for coming to my ted talk as u can see i love talking abt myself pls feel free to ask more but i don't think i have any more romantic experiences atm 😭😭😭 i'm currently trying to manic pixie dream girl one of my guy friends in college so we can see how that goes ig LMAO,,, anyways thanks 4 reading ! interact w this post and give me validation please and thanks <3 (/hj)

[kisses-and-tales]

The End

Wow, I’m amazed this blog still exists. I guess I only deleted all the old posts but still kept the URL in case I need it again... It’s a bit funny and ironic, the title. Because this is technically the first post and yet it is about the ending and death of my very short-lived relationship (Not sure if I can actually really call it as that ._.)

We ended things yesterday. After these last few weeks of inner turmoil. It was really really bad though, and I'm still kinda in shock with how things have turned out. At the end of it all, he blamed me for everything and was also trying to get me to admit it was all my fault. It felt like he just wanted to win the argument, and it was no longer about trying to get us both to work things out. For the past few arguments (there were about 3-4 of them, within the last 2 months), I was always the one who remained calm while he lashed out at me. After all his lashing out, he would usually realise that he had gone overboard and talked nicely and gentler to me afterwards. But this time round, I was just too tired and drained to be the calm or "mature" one, so my reaction was extremely bad. Which resulted in the entire situation ending really badly too.

The Start of the Evening

When he came to pick me yesterday, he was actually in a really good mood. Unfortunately, I wasn't. I tried to pretend a little, but it was really hard.

I was in turmoil the whole entire afternoon after he cancelled afternoon plans on me. We were supposed to go Sentosa, but that didn't materialise because I pointed out that it may rain in the afternoon, so perhaps we wanted to do some indoor activities instead. He said that he did not sleep well the previous night so let's meet in the afternoon instead. I was disappointed, but I kept it to myself. I agreed. But the whole entire afternoon, I was just waiting around for him to text me back to confirm with me what time to meet for dinner. I really felt like I was being put on standby. And his whole "let's meet / let's not meet" thing is wearing me out.

In my mind, I already sort of know that things were going to turn out really badly if I were to say anything or not be happy or excited. I should have matched his mood, but I couldn't bring myself to. So I told him I'm really tired and my cramps were quite bad (not exactly the truth, they were still bearable), so I wanted to rest and sleep a little in the car. He was like, "okay you rest", but I could tell his mood dipped a little. I have become so in tune and so hyper-aware of his mood that I can notice the change from his tone, words, or just the slight twitch on his face.

I closed my eyes and pretended to sleep because I wanted to try to regulate my emotions and gathered my thoughts. I kept contemplating whether to bring up how I felt the past few days to him. I didn't want to bring things up in the car while he's driving because it will definitely distract him, put him in a foul mood, and make him lose focus. It will be dangerous for the both of us.

So while I closed my eyes, I could occasionally hear him sigh and grunt a bit here and there. It wasn't too much, maybe just 2-3 times throughout the entire 30 minutes car ride. I didn't fall asleep, and I don't know how I manage to endure the slight discomfort and anxiety bubbling inside me. Quite amazed of myself now LOL. There were 2 times he slammed the accelerator damn hard and the car lurched forward quite vigorously - I could literally feel my heart racing when that happened. Of all the 3-4 months of dating, I've never seen him speed like that before. To be fair, of the previous months of dating, I've never said I wanted to sleep or rest. I usually stayed awake and chit chat with him throughout. He could probably sense I was a bit down, so that could have affected his mood. He jam braked 1-2 times and it actually jolted me a bit. I knew in that moment from the way he drove that he was not in a good mood at all. Uh oh uh oh.

He dropped me off at ORP so I could go up to my office to take my laptop (which I have dumped in office on Friday night because I wanted to go party - intention was there, but again did not happen because I was too tired and too sad, can you imagine that?! Me giving up partying because I was sad over a guy... Okay, I digress lolol). He drove to OC Centre to park the car. After I took my laptop, I walked over to the carpark to find him so I could put my laptop in his car before going to the restaurant nearby. Things were still okay while we were walking there. I promised him during the week that Saturday night's dinner would be my treat since I just received my bonus in late Feb / early March.

At the Restaurant - #1 (me asking him about his feelings/emotions)

We were directed to sit at the counter seats, and we made our food orders. Then I asked him how has he been feeling because I'm worried about him. I was asking specifically on the text messages he sent me on Friday morning. He had told me that he did not have the ability to have fun or enjoy himself so he preferred to meet me on Saturday evening for dinner instead of spending the whole afternoon together (which I had asked him to plan for it on Thursday). He explained that he had been losing focus at work, and his emotions were really depleted and he couldn't give anymore. He also said he needed to focus on himself more to fill up his "cup" because there was very little water left.

I asked him how he's dealing with that, and he admitted that he doesn't really know the exact reason that's causing him to feel this way. He hasn't really sat down and try to really understand how he's feeling. I asked him whether the anti-depressants are helping, and he replied "I think so". I said to him maybe it will help to talk to someone. He shared that he did have a counsellor before and it was quite helpful. But each session he had to pay $100, and that amounted to about $400 a month, and he felt that the money could be better used elsewhere. He then said he felt that he just need to find a new hobby, another new thing to focus and direct his energy into. He wanted to become really good at this new thing so he can feel better about himself. I nodded in silence.

I should have kept my mouth shut there and then. And in my gut, I knew if I were to say anything else, he would get really triggered. And things would not bode well at all. And yet, I just couldn't keep my mouth shut.

At the Restaurant - #2 (me telling him how I have felt recently)

I started off saying I know things have been difficult for him, and I'm sorry he has been going through a hard time. I am really worried about him. Then I said all these things are also affecting me quite a bit and it's making me really sad too, because I really care about him. I pointed out perhaps because his emotions were really depleted, so I find that lately he couldn't be as present as I would like him to be. And I am trying very hard to be understanding. I said I want to have more consistency, reliability and effort in my relationship, and I don't think it's too much to ask for (big big big mistake, because he took it that I am criticising him and pointing out his inadequacies). I explained that when I brought up about feeling like we have grown more distant on Thursday night, it wasn't meant to find fault or make him upset. I wanted to bring it up to let him know how I feel, so that we can address it together because I wanted us to be close again. I said I wanted to share my feelings with him because we are a couple and I wanted to let him know.

It was a huge mistake, I swear. I think my communication is just really really bad. Because he basically took whatever I said to be me attacking him and simply finding faults and criticising him.

At the Restaurant - #3a (his initial reaction)

His face went dark completely. And he was completely silent for a good 5 - 10 minutes. It was rather uncomfortable sitting in silence, knowing full well he's processing whatever I said in a bad manner. But I kept quiet, and just waited. I know I cannot ask him, or say a single word, because it will trigger him even more. I knew he was very affected by what I said and definitely took it the wrong way. This was based on all the past arguments we had regarding his tummy and lack of effort / commitment in following through his promises - where he would always say I am criticising and attacking him. So I waited, and waited.

Then suddenly, he took up his phone and wallet, and said to me in an emotionless tone, "you enjoy your dinner, I'm going to make a move."

I was very very shocked. Hurt that he wanted to just abandon me like that. So I told him can he not do that because it is very disrespectful to just walk out like that and his behaviour is very hurtful to me (and he later on blamed me for this - more to come, so sit tight and watch it unfold).

He sat back down disgruntledly. Then he started lashing out.

At the Restaurant - #3b (his behaviour that completely turned me off)

He said, "you are farking negative and problematic! Always being so demanding. Always finding faults and issues with me. Then, what did you bring to the table huh?"

He said it quite agitatedly and although I was expecting this outburst, it still came out as quite a shock nonetheless. I didn't know what to say at that point in time. In my mind, I would have liked him to tell me calmly that he's sorry I felt this way, and shared that he actually find it quite hurtful and sad that I always seem to have a lot of issues, but he wants us to talk things out and resolve it. I wanted him to reassure me and asked me more about it to understand how I feel, and at the same time, also share with me how he feels. In a calm, composed and mature manner. But nope, I didn't get any of that.

I guess I am asking for a bit too much. He did mention before how is it fair of me to expect him to still consider my feelings when I hurt his feelings first? It's like selfish and self-centered me wanted him to show understanding towards my feelings and not take this as a personal attack. But his first response was always to take whatever I say as a criticism and he had to defend himself by "attacking" me in return. I really don't know how to communicate better.

It always feel like a "me vs him" problem rather than a "us vs the issues". I am really really bad at communicating that somehow, I managed to always trigger him to adopt the "me vs you" kind of stance. My intention was to bring up the issue for us to tackle and discuss about it together as a team. I told him before after our previous arguments that I wanted it to be a us vs the world kind of thing, rather than fight with each other. He promised he would do better the next time... He always promised, but he hasn't really followed through. And yet, I cannot point it out. Because he would get really upset about it. And it's making me question myself. Maybe I really asking for too much.

Then he continued on and he was getting a bit crazy.

He said, "you know, everything is always my fault. It's always about me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, ..." He was repeating the word non-stop and in a fast-paced manner and it was getting really scary because he was facing me and being confrontational and pointing at himself while repeating. So I said in a rather rude manner, "can you stop that?!" On hindsight, if I have softened my tone while asking him to stop, maybe things wouldn't have escalated so badly.

He listened, and he stopped. Then he said, "it was never about you, you, you, you, you. It's always me."

I think by then I was really not having it anymore. Every single cell in my body was like this is it. I already switched off. I can't do this anymore. Why am I allowing myself to be subjected to this? In my mind, I wanted to end things tonight already. I couldn't take it anymore. I realise at that point in time, I did not have the capacity to really embrace his depression or his shit, and to be completely okay about it. I am not proud of myself for not being able to handle it all. I did not have the emotional strength. I really just shut down. And I think that switch in my brain caused everything to go downhill later on. Because I could no longer talk nicely or calmly to him. I was agitated as fark later on too.

Just then, the food came and his first response was, "can I have my dinner in peace? Can I eat now?" It was super wtf, and he was actually really waiting for my response. I said very irritatedly, "yah? You can." He replied, "thank you! Thank you for the meal!"

When the 2nd dish came, he asked again, "so can I eat?" By then, I was really disgusted. I said, "yes" and then he said, "thank you!". I just shook my head in disbelief.

I was very put off by this exchange. Even though I know he's most likely behaving this way because he felt hurt and his mood was already really bad to begin with.

Now thinking back, I keep trying to understand what had just happened. I know he reacted this way because he was hurt. Perhaps he had a lot of angst and frustration inside him, so he took this outlet to unleash it. And is it okay to not be okay with such a behaviour? I don't really understand. Am I being selfish and self-centered for not wanting to be treated this way?

At the Restaurant - #4 (the rest of the dinner)

We spent the entire dinner in silence. Cold shouldering each other. I couldn't eat much. I had no appetite. And I told him, "you can eat everything. I'm not eating anymore." And he really just gobbled everything up. When he finished his beer, he asked, "do you mind if I order another one?" Like why the fark does he have to ask for permission? I said, "yah go ahead". Inside my mind, I was like how did things turn out this way. How did that considerate, funny and gentlemanly person turn out to be this way? Maybe I just cannot take people at their worst. And shame on me for that.

We continued to sit in silence as he slowly drank his beer. I was feeling more and more anxious and uncomfortable. My stomach started to act up and I had to go to the toilet. I really wanted to just leave the restaurant, go to his car and take my laptop then go off.

I already shut down, and I just want to get out. My state of mind wasn't good anymore. And it contributed to what would happen later on.

I told him I'm just going to get the bill, so he finished up his beer.

The Break-Up Argument - #1 (It's all about the money)

After we left the restaurant, I told him let's get back to the car so I can take my laptop and leave. I was walking ahead, and he was walking very slowly behind. It was irritating me, because I really just want to get the hell out and away. I made it back to his car first, and he was just nowhere to be found. I was extremely irritated. When he eventually came back to the car, he said "let's talk in the car" I said no, because I really cannot anymore. It was my mistake. I should have agreed to talk inside the car, instead of outside at the carpark where everyone could hear us. Maybe if I had agreed to talk inside the car, things would not escalate so badly.

He started saying that everything he do for me is always not enough. He asked me to reflect what did I bring to the table? He pointed that that he's always fetching me around. He put in effort for all the dates except for tonight... I only planned for this one date and even then, I was trying to get him to find drinking places or to plan for the afternoon. I admit that I wanted him to contribute as well, because I already sense that he's putting in less effort compared to the past. And if I just let him be, he will probably just be very enabled from now on and just fark care. Sadly, this is how little faith I have in him already...

He continued saying that after the first month, he told me that his credit card bill was $3k, and I agreed to only eat nice food once a month to help to save money. But now I am finding fault with him, saying he doesn't put in effort to plan dates and how I'm finding the relationship boring (I did not say I find the relationship boring. On the contrary, it has been everything else but boring. The constant anxiety was driving me nuts. How to even be bored?!).

He said something along this line, "I drive you around, pay for everything, then what did you contribute?"

So this whole paying thing is really my fault. Initially, I did offer to pay, like if he paid for the meal, I'll pay for drinks. It was how it began. But he would always say, "are you sure? I can pay for drinks too!" I would reply, "hey! Let me get it! Because I'm a strong independent woman!" After a while, I guess I also got a bit comfortable, and did not offer to pay so frequently. He would always take the bill when it comes, so I thought he was okay about it. But clearly, he wasn't. It ended up with him paying 3-4 times for every 1 time I pay... I really should have been more aware about this.

I said to him, "why didn't you tell me about this?"

He said, "why do I have to tell you? This kind of thing you don't know how to auto one meh? Still keep saying you are a strong, independent woman." - I just suddenly recalled he threw in this strong, independent woman phrase and you really gotta love how he would always use whatever I have said about myself against me in arguments

I was goddamn triggered. And I became super passive aggressive. I said "okay, so you want me to pay you back now?"

He said, "yes, that would be great! You can just transfer me whatever amount you think is fair."

And then there was silence as I was taking out my phone and opening up my banking app.

I know he was being paggro as well. But at that point in time, our emotions were running high. I felt that the whole thing was very wtf, but I didn't want to owe him anything anymore. So I transferred him $1.5k. And nope, he did not transfer back LOL. I mean, why would he? I am the bitch.

On hindsight, it felt like our entire relationship was reduced to this. It all amounted to this. It felt so transactional. All the times he was nice to me, he was keeping count, and holding resentment towards me that I did not reciprocate the same amount. Where did it all go wrong?

The Break-Up Argument - #2 (What did I do for him?)

He continued to say, "name me 3 things that you did for me!"

I didn't say anything. I did not know how to respond after all that had transpired. I was stunned.

So I kept quiet. I should have said something, but I couldn't process anything.

The fact is, I think I did. Sure, I did not have any grand gestures unfortunately. All I did was subtle and not outwardly visible. Maybe because they aren't grand gestures, so they aren't counted?

I was always trying to be understanding whenever he was not on time or couldn't confirm with me the exact time to meet. I was always waiting around for him to be ready - for which he did thank me before and said not a lot of girls are okay with waiting. To be honest, I did not like to wait at all. I hated it. But for him, I'm willing to tolerate and try to accept. I did not make noise about this, because I already feel very bad that I couldn't accept the tummy issue. I told myself, everything else gotta go. I cannot keep nitpicking. If I can bear it, I bear it. It's fine.

While it irritated me, I was okay for him to always be late. What I am not okay was for him to keep me on standby, or one moment said let's meet, then cancel on me the next moment cause he's not feeling well or not in a good mood, then later on, say sorry, okay let's meet again.

He was always falling sick. So sometimes, when he said he want to pick me up or meet me, he might last minute cancel and say he really not feeling well. I was disappointed and sad, but I always say, "it's okay, you rest!" First few times I really am okay. After a while, it is always the same narrative.

There were times when he was not feeling well, I went down to his house area to find him instead. I know he didn't have the energy to drive down or travel far, so it's okay for me to travel down. And this one I really did it willingly. Because I wanted to see him. And I didn't want him to be so tired all the time. I thought this was me being considerate and thoughtful towards him, but clearly, he didn't think I have done anything for him.

On Valentine's Day, I wrote him a card and thanked him for being patient and understanding with me for all my flaws. We did argue about the tummy issue 1 week before V Day. He did not get me anything, no flowers, no small little gift, no nothing. He bought me dinner. And while it was a little disappointing, but it's okay. I thanked him for the dinner, and I think it was then we sort of agreed to be official. It was very casual, like "well, let's just make it official since we are already dating exclusively?"

Many times when he was in a bad mood, I tried to be as understanding as possible. I asked him how he was, and encouraged him. When he let me down or disappoint me sometimes, I was upset, but I kept it to myself because I want to protect his feelings. Also, I was tired of him being triggered and getting upset at me again.

I honestly feel quite maligned and misunderstood. Because we parted ways with him thinking that I really did nothing and contribute nothing to the relationship. But there's nothing I can do now. It's all too late.

The Break-Up Argument - #3 (Him expressing how he feels)

(I recorded the argument from this part onwards, so I transcribed the conversation below and added my aftermath comments. The reason I have recorded was because I have a tendency to over-exaggerate things, and I don't want to unfairly pin it all on him. And I also want to objectively assess what he said and also see how bad my responses are so that I can work on them next time.)

He said in a rather defeated and sad tone, "you are the one who's been having a lot of unhappiness with me. Come to think of it, that's why you are always having all these issues with me. If I didn't care about you, will I always drive to your place to pick you up? Or send you home no matter how late or tired I am? There are things I don't like about you, but I just accept. You are the way you are, and I don't want to change you. All the times you go drinking and partying with your friends, I am worried about you. Sometimes, I really couldn't sleep because I am thinking if you are okay. If you call me to come pick you up, no matter how sleepy I am, I will do that. Not just you, I will send your friends home too. Haven't I done that? Haven't I proven myself to you?"

And he did, he really did do that. I was grateful and appreciative of course. But at that point in time, I did not respond shit. I should have said something. He was hurting, and he was explaining his POV. But I was already switched off.

He continued, "Not even once I criticise you, only today... I learn to accept it, and not make it an issue. I just want to support you, despite there are many things I am not happy about. Think about it, how would you feel if you keep supporting someone and then you keep being told by the other person that there are things about you that you are not happy about? You see even now, you are not trying to think from my perspective. You are only thinking about the things I said and how it makes you feel..." - this is unfortunately very true. I did not have the capacity to really consider his hurt feelings and address it because I was too stunned and shocked by what had transpired. If only I had handled it better

He was really sad now, "cause you always think I'm beneath you, that I'm not good enough for you. That's why I must keep proving myself to you. You feel like I bring shame to you. Shameful for you to introduce to your friends. Shameful for you to show to your parents. That's where all the problems stem from. You feel that I am an embarrassment, that's why you keep trying to change me. The moment I speak up, you see, what does it amount to? It amounts to this. If you really cared about me, it would be a different story. You would be hearing me out. You would be understanding. And try to make things work. But the moment I tell you about how you've been treating me, you just want to break up. Isn't it all boil down to the fact that I'm beneath you?"

My heart ached as I hear the recording and transcribed it down. He must have felt really really hurt by me. And I feel so bad for not reassuring him or telling him that I hear him, and I'm sorry for making him feel this way. Unfortunately, he is right about the part where I don't feel proud to introduce him to my friends or parents. I know I am superficial as fark, and I am very ashamed of myself. But I really never consciously think he's not good enough or beneath me at all. But I can see how my reactions and behaviour could have caused him to think this way. And now my heart is aching and I'm crying because I have hurt him so badly. I have made him feel inadequate and not enough for me. That's not how a relationship should feel like. It's not fair to him. I wasn't fair to him. He shouldn't have to suffer in a relationship where he felt like he's constantly trying to prove himself. This is really all my fault.

And it's not true that he's beneath me at all. There are other good things that I looked up to about him - him being intelligent, and smart. Him being so perceptive (although sometimes it's quite scary like during arguments) and able to provide me with emotional support as long as it's not a relationship issue ._. He's very good at managing his finances. He's good at adulting. He's good with strategy (like when he explained about his game and how he think things through and I was honestly in awe), and how he's really good with directions. We could always have intellectual conversation, and I really appreciate that about him. When he's in a calm and good mood, he is a fun person to be around. He is a filial son, and while he has some childhood trauma with his dad, he's still always bringing them around for dinner.

But it's too late. There's no chance to tell him now. He walked away thinking that I never cared about him. He walked away thinking that I never wanted this at all. I admit I was hesitant and doubtful at first. But I really tried. I tried my hardest to make things work. I wanted to make things work. But I guess at the end of it all, it was not enough for either of us.

The Break-Up Argument - #4a (Him trying to get me to admit it's all my fault)

My response was really really very bad that I want to slap myself now. I said, "after hearing all these, I was really very selfish and very heartless. You know what, I really don't care. So you deserve way better and we can just end things. You can put in your effort in someone who's more worthy. Like I am just not the one. It's neither our fault, it's just the way things are. There's been a lot of things I haven't told you about it, but then of course, it's all my issues. Because I'm always finding fault. I'm always having a lot of problems. I don't want to say anything anymore, there's no point. You are absolutely right about everything!" - farking paggro as fark, seriously. And damn freaking defensive. And yet I still dare to say he's defensive. I behaved very very badly as well.

He really took this opportunity and jumped into it, "exactly!!! So you see, if all along you don't want this, don't farking find fault with me. Admit it. Tell me straight to my face now. Admit it nicely that you are the one who didn't want this."

It's just so tiring how towards the end, he just wanted to win this argument. He wanted me to "lose". That's just how it felt. Like our relationship amounted to nothing except for him to win me in this. Why? Why did it turn out this way? I know I responded very very badly, and if I could go back again, I wouldn't have said what I said.

At that point in time, I felt very shocked and cornered and didn't know how to respond properly. I didn't know how to respond in a kind and thoughtful manner. It's no excuse. It's my fault, and I could have handled it better. I absolutely take full responsibility of my part to play in this. I have hurt him. My words were farking paggro. And I really couldn't see things from his perspective while my emotions were going haywire.

Yet, I couldn't help but think that him not wanting to take on a single shred of responsibility is really off-putting too. Why, did it turn out this way?

The Break-Up Argument - #4b ("just admit it already!")

(word of caution: my responses were damn farking paggro and triggering)

Me: "I like how you just like to put the blame on everybody. If I really didn't want this, I would have walked away a long time ago. But you know what, it's fine. It's all my fault. It's always me. Right from the start, I didn't want this. That's exactly what you want to hear." - farking paggro and spiteful, argh

Him: "Now you say, it's always you. On the other hand, you have been giving me all the problems. To you, it's always me. Now you come and say that to you, I always blame everything on you."

Me: "I never say you always. At the end of it all, you think that I'm the problem. And I take it lor. I'm always the problem. This is not going to work out. You know what, I'm really bad at communicating. I'm really heartless, this is the kind of person I am. You are better off without me, so just go find someone else who is going to be able to accept you for every single way you are, and won't find all these problems and issues. I always find problems and issues."

Can I just say that while my responses are really paggro and wtf, I feel like never once have I attacked him or blamed him? It was all mostly self-directed and being really paggro, like yah okay, my fault. Yah it's me. Yah what you want me to do? What you want me to say? I already say it's me.

Him: "now you still don't want to admit..."

Me: (cuts in abruptly) "I already admitted it's my fault, what more do you want me to admit?!" - this is getting ridiculous

Him: "You say in this kind of tone. Not once have I heard you being apologetic. Not once. Not even once."

It's like at the end, he just wanted me to apologise and take all the blame for everything that had transpired. Maybe he didn't mean it this way, but that's how I felt. It all started with me bringing up in the restaurant how I felt we have been growing distant, how his mood has been affecting me, and how I would like more consistency and effort in the relationship. I agree that I did indeed find a lot of problems with him and that I definitely have a part to play in this. But it feels like he just wanted to blame me for everything. It feels like he doesn't want to take any ownership or responsibility for his actions, words and how they have affected me. Because how I'm currently feeling is because of me. It feels to me that he is saying that how he behaved or acted is because of me - that I made him behaved and acted in this manner, which in turn had hurt me. So source problem? Me.

I really cannot take it anymore, so whatever I say next is quite triggering, "so what? You want me to kowtow to you? Kneel down and beg for your forgiveness?"

Him: "Say nicely lah! All these things that I have said, do you admit it's the truth?" - this guy is really a champion. I'm sorry, I know I am at fault for a lot of things, but the way he said this and I am transcribing word for word so I'm not exaggerating. This is really damn off-putting. I really have had enough at this stage.

Me: "Fine, it's your truth. But that doesn't mean I have to accept your truth. It is your truth and I acknowledge that."

Him: "so yah, exactly. You see, you didn't want this all along. That's why you make it so difficult. You keep finding faults with me." - okay to be fair to him, I was really quite aimai from the start. And I did have doubts and uncertainties. I think he was quite tired from it also. Eventually, I told myself, nope I'm going to stick to this and make it work no matter what. I made the decision to stop being aimai, and I was really trying. But it seemed like my reluctance and hesitance at the start really got stuck with him and he couldn't let it go.

Honestly, no matter how much of it is my fault, to have him constantly try to get me to admit or agree with him is really damn off-putting. It feels so transactional, so calculative, and makes me wonder, has he been harbouring such ill feelings towards me all these while? Which is why he kinda pulled back on his efforts in the relationship as well?

The Break-Up Argument - #4c (broken promises and then more fault again)

Me: "At the end of things, you still try to make it seem right from the start, the root cause is that I didn't want it, and so I have a lot of problems... You actually made a lot of promises, and then you asked me to be patient, okay fine. But have you really followed through?" - okay, I admit I wasn't being very coherent and couldn't articulate properly. He really has a way to shut me up and made me speechless.

Him: "what kind of promises? You say it now."

Me: "It's just the little things that add up. Let's say, you said you wanted to write some plan on your exercise. Inside my head, I'm like don't say such things that you are not going to do it." - after a while, I really have zero faith in him for following through with anything, that he might as well not have said it anymore

Him: "aren't you the one who say don't write?" - i did this because I know he won't do it. And I also don't want to add unnecessary stress to him when he's already sick. But he's really a champion in being able to rationalise and justify everything. Okay, this one I give it to him, because I say don't write.

Me: "yah! Because you are not going to do it anyway!"

Him: (changing the topic) "you see, the whole point is you have been unhappy with me all along, so you keep finding faults"

It's like he just wants to wash off all his responsibility in how things have turned out. It's not about him not following through his promises. He did not do anything differently, he's just like that, and it's just me constantly finding fault. Somehow, he made me feel like me expecting him to follow through on his words is not right. All that I am feeling is just me finding faults. I really am speechless.

Me: "So right now, what you want me to do is you want me to admit it is all my fault and I didn't want this, so that you can feel better about it?" - oops, clearly not very speechless

Him: "Who gives a fark what you think anymore? I don't give a fark. You can think whatever you want. Since you are having such an unapologetic tone..."

Throughout our entire argument, he was constantly using an accusatory tone, and being quite aggressive and harsh on his words. And I am getting extremely extremely tired of this whole "admit it's your fault" narrative. Whatever guilt or sad feelings I felt about him when he expressed how I have hurt him just melted all away because this entire admitting fault thing is getting ridiculous.

The Break-Up Argument - #5 (me being a bit more confrontational so yay kudos to me)

Him: "You wanted to talk. And I am here talking to you. I say to you nicely shall we talk in the car, you didn't want to. From the start, you are like I don't want to talk about this, I want to go already. How can I bring anything up to you at all?" - I feel like this is not getting very coherent anymore. It's true I did not want to get in the car, because I was scared, and shocked. But now he somehow could use this and say I don't want to talk properly? He hasn't been talking very properly actually. For the past few arguments, I really was the one who remained calm and didn't say things to trigger him more. Unfortunately, I am ashamed to say that I have really reached my limit yesterday night.

Me: "why is it everytime there's anything, you have to be so aggressive and your tone has to be so bad? You have to make such mean comments!" - I wanted to say he was actually a bit abusive in his words and tone towards me but I held back. I really held back.

He was like, "what is a mean comment? You tell me. What have I said that is mean? Have I criticised you for anything?"

Me: "you say things like I'm farking negative and problematic. Very demanding. Then now you come and tell me, but you are like that what. What's wrong with pointing it out?"

Him: "you say you are negative. Isn't that something you yourself have admitted to it?"

I did tell him right from the start when I laid out all cards on the table that I'm naturally negative, and I have a tendency to find faults in my relationship. I wanted him to be fully aware of what he was getting into so that he doesn't feel shortchanged. At that point in time, he told me we could work things out together whenever such issues arise. And now, every argument, he would use what I had told him about my own vulnerabilities against me. And this is apparently not mean in his POV. I am really speechless. I think he's too shrewd. I probably cannot date a smarter man. Argh.

Me: "and then you say my tone is very bad. What about your tone? Is it very nice? You have been speaking respectfully to me? You wanted to leave just now in the restaurant!" - I think I really lost it at this point, becoming quite aggressive and accusatory.

The Break-Up Argument - #6 (the restaurant houdini stunt he wanted to pull - yes i am being sarcastic now)

His tone actually softened a bit, "because I wasn't feeling very well. I didn't want to argue. That's why I wanted to leave and clear my head. You told me not to leave!"

Me: (more agitated) "Of course! You just leaving like that you think that's totally respecting me?!"

Him: "so you rather keep me there, feeling uncomfortable and unhappy, not having an outlet to process my emotion because of your face! That's more important right? Your face is more important than me going to clear my head for awhile, then coming back in later. Which might allow me to communicate better. But no, it's about how you look if I walk away..."

Okay I know that he reacted this way because of his childhood trauma with his dad, which he told me before like how his dad was always very very concerned about face, and everytime would chastise him if he did anything that make him lose face. So I get that it is a trigger.

But this is also triggering to me, because he obviously looked like he just wanted to leave and not returned. What bullshit. He did not even tell me he needed some time to step out to clear his head. He just wanted to leave. And besides it being embarrassing for me (of course it would be), it was really disrespectful and hurtful too! How can someone who loves me be okay to subject me to such embarrassment, and disrespect like that? Is this okay? Or maybe I'm asking for too much? I'm getting quite confused.

Me: "How would you feel if I'm the one who walk away?"

Him: "If it has to happen, and you are going to come back, then is fine." - Bullshit, he would not be fine. If me bringing up how I'm feeling can trigger him so much, me walking away is going to be even worse cause that's literally a physical visible action. At this point in time, I really cannot already.

Me: "no? You say enjoy your dinner, I'm going off already. That's exactly what you said!" - Omg, really a win for me this time. GG, why am I stooping down to his level?! I really have to call him out on this bullshit.

There was a 5 second silence - I swear, it was in the recording. He continued, "then when I was sitting there, did you enjoy the dinner?"

Me: "I tried to talk to you, but the first thing you said to me was I am farking problematic and demanding. What else can I say?"

There was another 5 second silence. And he doesn't know how to respond to that. So instead, he said, "now you don't even feel that you are the one who's so unapologetic and finding faults..."

Eh? We are at the him leaving the restaurant topic, and somehow he can bring it back to me not wanting to admit it's my fault again.

The Break-Up Argument - #7 (fault, fault, fault and keeping scores)

Me: "I don't know what you are trying to achieve. Trying to get me to admit? What's the point?"

Him: "yah, because I want you to admit it's your fault!" - yes he really said these exact words. I really have no more words, seriously. I mean, I was feeling really bad towards him as I listened through the recording, but towards the end, I just cannot take it. I admit my responses probably pushed him to say all these things also...

Me: "And then so? What is it going to achieve? You are entitled to your truth, and I am entitled to mine." - I am farking guailan at this point in time. I mean, yes I could have handled it better, but my emotions were really really bad at this juncture already.

Him: "Then why are you trying to change my mind? When I tell you all these things, and you don't accept..." - I did not try to change his mind?!

Me: "I am not trying to change your mind about it."

Him: "Can you name me 1 thing you have done for me?"

He was really still harping on this. I really cannot. Like what the heck is with all these keeping count? Okay, I probably am really a horrible and terrible girlfriend, fine. I take that. If I were calmer, I could have responded properly. But even so, why does it feel like he's keeping a scorecard? It feels like he has been keeping a score at the back of his mind on all the things I have done and have not done.

Do I want to be with someone like that for the rest of my life? Why does this whole relationship become so transactional towards the end? It really really saddens me. Are all these because of his insecurities? I am really trying to understand. Is it because I have hurt him so badly that he needed me to reassure him that I have done enough things to show that I really want him and I really want to make things work out?

Me: (paggro like fark) "nothing lor!"

Him: (triumphant) "yah, see, it's really nothing. You see, this is the passive aggressive thing you keep saying you want to change. And then you didn't even try." - I feel like at this point in time, he already has a fixed thought and view about me, and he just wanted me to say and confirm to reinforce what he thought about me.

Also, he really liked to bring up whatever I have shared earlier against me. This did not happen just once, or twice. Many times already. The past few arguments, I really controlled and stopped with the paggro shit. But now, I really am at my wits' end. I'm not proud of this. I really cannot tahan. And he still come and call me out on this. Fine. Then what about all the times after our previous arguments where he said he would talk nicely and calmly? Then is it happening? No. I really have had enough. I didn't even bother pointing all these out anymore.

The Break-Up Argument - #8 (the conclusion)

Him: "If I wanted to point all these things out, I would have made it an issue. How you keep pointing out my stomach. Pointing out about me being aggressive. But I've never once say you, because the moment I say it out, like now, you are not happy."

I am unhappy not because he was pointing out my flaws or the things he didn't like about me. It was really the way he put it across, and how he continued to be so accusatory, wanting me to admit it's my fault and wanted to win the argument. He wanted to feel better. Wanted me to feel like it's all my fault, and that he was never in the wrong. He was the victim. It honestly felt a bit like gaslighting but in a very subtle and indirect manner, I guess.

I had the last words but I honestly don't feel great at all: "whatever it is, in your mind, it is all my fault. I am a farking problematic person. Let's just leave it as that. I honestly don't see a point in us wasting time and talking about it anymore."

And then I left. I was in shock. I was kinda traumatised. My whole head was just like, "what the fark just happen? What the flying fark?"

The Aftermath

And he proceeded to delete me everywhere. Our chats from Telegram disappeared. He deleted me from Linkedin. Removed my contact. Which is very understandable.

But I can't help but feel really sad. Because the past 3 months of dating - and it all amounted and culminated in this. It ended so badly. It was as if there were absolutely no good feelings between us anymore.

It ended with him thinking and believing that I never cared. That I never tried. I felt so misunderstood. I really tried very hard (perhaps not enough). I know it was not fair to him at all whenever I find and bring up so many issues.

But at the same time, I feel really maligned. I really wasn't attacking or criticising him at all. I was really affected by him and all his emotional ups and downs. I felt anxious, I felt like I was walking on eggshells. I was constantly watching what I had to say. I feel like I need to suppress my needs and wants and just protect his fragile mood and feelings. And his reaction towards how we ended things really reinforced this.

I wanted to tell him so we could fix and resolve together, as a team. I didn't want to end things. But it ended up with him being so defensive and saying it's all my fault, like how is this being productive? I know I didn't react well, and I really regretted some of the things I have said. And I mostly regret all the things I never get to say to him.

He mattered to me. And I really did care. I know me trying to "control" him or change him (because of the tummy) is really really not right. And this really stems from my own insecurities and issues (which I really have to work on). But having him keep bringing up the fact that I didn't want this relationship right from the start and that it's all my fault made me feel very belittled and dismissive of how hard I really tried to make us work. I guess, I didn't try hard enough.

Right now, I still think about him. I wonder how he is now. Is he spiraling? Is he cursing me and really hating on me right now? After 3 months of being together, is that all he thought of me now? Well, if blaming me and painting me as the absolute villain makes him feel better and helps him heal, then so be it. I just feel really sad and hurt that he had so much pent up resentment towards me. And it came to a point where it was simply too late to salvage and resolve.

I really miss the good 1 month we had. The times where we were just getting to know each other. He was considerate, gentlemanly, and really nice as well. Yes the rushing of the physical part was too fast for my liking, but otherwise than that things were great. We could connect intellectually. We could banter, and have fun, laugh about things. He was able to provide me with that emotional support. I knew it.

I remember whenever he smiled, he looked really cute and it actually warmed my heart. He was happy. I was happy. I really thought we could become something more.

But then things changed, because I started noticing and minding and mentioning the tummy. I acknowledged that I really did cause everything to go downhill.

He probably really did not have the emotional capacity to deal with all these maturely. I was a mess, he was a mess too. Might even be a greater mess than me.

I kept at it because I saw our potential of how we could be. If you ask me if I like how we were for the past 2 months, no I absolutely do not. But I held on to it because I thought things could turn out better. And that I am tired and really afraid of all the loneliness (which I eventually have to tackle).

Right now, I'm just feeling the heartache, and the sadness of how it all went down.

Yes, his behaviour was off-putting and it was quite traumatising. But I really don't believe he is a malicious or vindictive person. How he has behaved is a result of his trauma, and insecurities, and all the depression and inner issues that he has. Which is very very sad.

And somehow, I felt that I may have left him in a hurricane with the way I handled things. He's very easily affected, and I feel really sad that he could be hurting badly right now.

I hope I'm wrong though. Maybe with his whole "it's all her fault!" thinking, things may actually be better for him.

This is the right thing to do. Me walking away. I know it's an eventuality. I just didn't realise it would come so quickly and it has ended so badly. I guess I was trying to prolong the inevitable.

But despite knowing I have done the right thing, it still hurts.

[bakugohoex]

Porco Requests? I've got plenty. This man is running through my mind 24/7 now. What about Porco with a super shy s/o? This man would treat his S/o right. Uncomfortable? Just tell me why. Too nervous? I'll tell everyone to shut up and listen to you. UGH I LOVE THIS MAN.

“i’ll make them listen, don’t worry baby”

pairing: porco galliard x gender neutral reader

cw: modern au, langage, fluff

word count: 1300+

a/n: brooo porco is so baby i love him so much, i’m a simp 

summary: in which you the shy reader are in a relationship with porco

↞ back to attack on titan masterlist

THIS MAN WOULD BE THE SWEETEST BOYFRIEND EVER.

He’d definitely be the one who came up to you asking for your number, you’d probably be walking outside of uni or something and he saw you and he needed your number.

Asks for it with the worst pick up line ever, something along the lines of I seem to have forgotten my phone number, can I have yours? You were an entire mess refusing to meet his eye and even forgetting that numbers have 9 digits and not 8.

You don’t even give him your name; you just say your number and leave in a hurry. 

His bad pick-up line clearly did wonders to you. 

He’d definitely text you straight after with his name and start asking questions, can’t lie he’d carry the conversation until you became comfortable with him.

He would definitely ask you to dinner or the movies on the weekend, you aired him for 20 minutes in shock. 

No words, he’d see the three dots in the bubble multiple times and then it’d disappear.

Half an hour later, a simple yes comes through. You’d never told him how you texted and called all your friends for advice on the mysterious man. 

You make your friends follow you both on your date, they actually take notes on how he opens the restaurant door for you, pulls the chair out, pays for the meal, he's such a gentleman and he does the talking after he realises, you’re shy around him.

He would walk you home, you’d both do that thing where your hands keep brushing against each other before he finally just grabs your fingers.

You’d give him a kiss on the cheek at the end of the night and this man would blush so hard. His ears would prick pink and a redness with speckle across his face. He hides it so quickly and before you can go inside, he’d ask for another date in the quietest voice possible. 

You accept, who fucking wouldn’t.

A couple months into your relationship, the facetimes and texts were equally split between you two. 

You’d scream down the phone to tell him about the new anime merch that had just arrived or complain about your day. You do not talk half an hour to send a message to him anymore.

Your friends think you two will marry, it’s certain, they have it all planned. 

Even with your shyness around new people you got along with his friends having met them a couple times. Pieck was always your favourite person to see at parties and gatherings but you were often talked over a lot when the louder confident ones at the parties spoke. 

Porco would notice this in an instant and always try and get your opinion out knowing that you liked the topic and had insight on it.

This man will literally tell everybody to shut the fuck up (politely to not make you embarrassed), just so they can hear you speak.

He also does it just to listen to you ramble on about your favourite topics.

*heart eyes*.

Or if someone makes you uncomfortable by getting too close or trying to get with you, this man will be at your side, lacing his fingers with yours and taking you to people you’re more comfortable with.

All in all this man is a simp and would bring but the best in you. 

“Y/n, Porco, you guys finally made it.” Pieck laughed a drink in her hand as she slouched against the sofa, the sound of music blaring and lights flashing sent you to grab onto your boyfriend's arm. 

He could already sense your unease at your surroundings, your grip tightening as his arm wrapped around you. “I’ll stay by your side the entire night.” 

You smile nodding at the boy, his blonde hair pulled back as usual, he gave a soft smile back before kissing your forehead. You had expected a night filled with drinking and being around friends, but you seemed to have been taken by Bertholdt and Reiner with Porco following along to the living room. 

They sat down as you situated yourself next to Porco, his hand in your hair as you leant against his body, the conversation had been boring, talking about some game on the PS4 that you had heard Porco shouting at a couple weeks ago. 

“I won that match.” Porco took a swig of the drink, your own drink on the table as you stared at it bored out of your mind. 

Reiner raised an eyebrow leaning his arms around the sofa, “fuck that you know I won it all together, one-win doesn’t make you a winner.”

Porco scowled at the boy before the conversation turned to something you enjoyed a lot more, “this guy really said Ichigo would beat Naruto.” Your ears perked at the conversation; it was between people you hadn't met but Annie had noticed how your eyes widened knowing you’d have the best input. 

She smiled starting to converse with the boys, “what the fuck really?”

You had always loved Bleach and Naruto, your favourite being Bleach and having talked to death about it to Porco and now with Annie including you, you had started to break off from your shyness, “Y/n’s up to date on both manga’s actually.” Annie was often cold with people but you two had become friends with ease having the same interests and her coldness and your shyness became an unlikely duo. 

“Let me guess another Ichigo simp.” One of the guys said and you gave a wary look, Ichigo was hot. You knew that and you knew that being a girl involved in a manga that had been directed towards teen boys made you become quiet. “She probably read the manga for the guys.”

“Not really.” You muttered, “I read it because it was actually interesting especially when Ichigo fights Ulquiorra”.

Your entire statement had been ignored and Annie had tried to include you, but you continued to be dismissed as just another girl simping for the characters. Of course you were a simple but to exclude you too one category was disheartening. You moved closer to Porco, he had watched the scene, how you had been ignored and now with your head leaning against his chest once again. 

“I’ll make them listen, don’t worry baby.” His voice was a soft whisper, leaving a soft kiss against your forehead before starting to converse with the guys. “You guys are talking about who would win?”

“Yeah, some guy saw Ichigo and thought he’d win against Naruto.” Porco started nodding, acting like he knew who these characters were, of course he had some idea of who they were, but he hadn't watched either as he got bored of how long it was.

“Oh, my girlfriends read and watched both, she’s better suited to this.” He pointed to you as you smiled at him, he was never going to tell them to our right shut up as it’d be a dick move, but it allowed for you to talk.

You gave a soft smile before you joined the conversation properly, the guys seemed intrigued by your opinion. Explaining both sides and why other anime fans would believe it to occur, as you sat upright rambling and talking. Porco watched with an intense look, he didn't need to speak, just watch and admire. He knew how you’d talk and talk and talk about anything you were interested in, but he saw how even with your initial shyness and dismissiveness they listened. Adding their own input, his hand went to reach your fingers, you felt it lacing your fingers.

He could listen to you talk forever, listen to every single word you ever said. Because he loved you and in those moments. Just staring at your beauty, the way your fingers gripped his own, the soft necklace he had bought your across your neck. He knew you’d be the one he’d spend the rest of his life with.

i’d really appreciate if you guys could leave a like, reblog or comment, thanks x

if you guys want to be a part of a tag list, just reply to any post and i’ll add you xx

@samusimp @alainarose13 @crispychannie @underratedmage​ @jennammaee​ @cathy8taffy @sugacious @moonlightaangel @kat-sukis-hoe @effmigentlywithachainsaw @swankiifiied @maat-the-prescriptive @missmultifangirl @tvwhoresblog @kuroos-world @chrrylevi @katsuhera @answer-the-sirens @animexholic @wapbenders @the-shota-king-masayuki @bakugousmrs @crystal-lilac

[helloalycia]

my happy ending [one] // kara danvers

summary: your crush from work decides to make a move, but she keeps putting off telling you something that you don't realise is actually really important

warning/s: none

author's note: i'm still working on a bunch of stuff but here's some old stuff to tide you over as i do. this is part one to a two-parter! enjoy :)

part two | masterlist

I sketched out some designs at my desk, ideas for some new Instagram and Twitter marketing CatCo we were planning to do. I was in charge of social media marketing at CatCo Worldwide, so things like this were routine at work. What wasn't routine was the cute blonde, Kara, AKA Cat Grant's assistant, approaching my desk with a chirpy smile on her lips.

"Hey, Y/N," she greeted, before setting down a coffee cup in front of me.

I smiled automatically, Kara's presence instantly affecting my mood in a positive way. I glanced at the cup and quirked an eyebrow.

"Hey, Kara. Is this for me?"

She pushed her glasses up the bridge of her nose adorably. "I was picking up Miss Grant's order and I remembered you said you loved the chocolate orange hot chocolates Noonan's do. So, I got you one."

I felt my cheeks heat up. "Oh, wow, er, thank you. You didn't have to do that."

She shrugged, and I was sure she looked as flustered as I felt. "No biggie."

I took a sip of the hot chocolate and smiled at how good it was, but mostly because of who got it me.

"So, what are you doing?" she asked, walking around my desk and sitting at the edge. She glanced at my sketches and added, "Is that the new fashion post for our social media accounts? They look amazing!"

"Just some sketches, but eventually they will be," I said, before nodding. "And thanks. I just need the photos so I know what I'm working with. Gotta ask the new guy, James... you met him yet?"

Kara nodded. "Yeah, I just bumped into him earlier."

"Can you believe he knows Superman?" I asked with disbelief. "How awesome is that?"

She smiled with amusement. "Extremely awesome."

"Keira!"

Kara lost her smile when Miss Grant called for her, before looking to me apologetically. "I should–"

"It's cool," I said, nodding for her to leave before Miss Grant tracked her down. "Thanks again for the drink."

Kara flashed me a smile. "Anytime. See you later."

I watched her walk away, waving as she glanced over her shoulder. I found myself biting my lip to contain my own smile, feeling butterflies in my stomach.

Kara Danvers, assistant to Cat Grant.

Ever since she began working here, I found myself crushing on the blonde and her cute mannerisms. We were friends, occasionally hanging out outside of work and doing things together. But that's all it was, sadly. I knew she was friends with Winn – best friends, I think – and I also knew that the tech guy was practically in love with her. I didn't know him as well as I knew her, but I knew enough to not want to get in between the two of them. So, Kara Danvers remained a silly little crush.

I got back to my sketches, managing to draft up some mock-ups on Photoshop before my day ended. I was more tired than I thought that evening, ending up falling asleep earlier than usual. Which meant that I missed the biggest news in National City yet – a mystery woman saving a plane from crashing, possibly a new superhero.

I woke up the next morning to a million and one calls and texts from colleagues at CatCo, all expecting me to get on social media to post about this mystery woman. By the time I got to work that morning, I was caught up with everything and in awe at this new superhero we had. It was pretty darn awesome!

The amazement I felt however was short lived, as Cat was all over me when I got to the office, claiming I should have been on top of our social media coverage as soon as it happened. Apparently me falling asleep wasn't a valid enough point to miss it, so I was put to work instantly, working with the photography and marketing department to find some sort of coverage on this mystery hero.

As I was lining up some posts with the limited images available of this hero, I felt a presence stop by my desk and saw it was Kara.

"Morning," she greeted, before glancing at my computer. "Oh, so you heard?"

I chuckled. "Kind of hard not to. It's everywhere." I nodded to the many TVs around the office that were playing reruns of the news coverage from last night.

"Pretty cool, right?" she asked, a smile tugging at her lips.

"Very, but it also means I now have a lot of work to do, especially because I fell asleep when all of this went down," I said, jokingly. "Cat has been all over me about this all morning."

Kara laughed and it was literally the best thing I'd heard all day.

"So, I was actually hoping I could tell you something," she said, an excited smile on her face as she met my eyes.

I felt a little flustered under her gaze and found myself distracting myself with my computer screen momentarily.

"I actually have a lot of things to do right now,” I said regretfully. “Maybe later?”

Her smile faded as she nodded. "Right, no, yeah, that's totally fine. Sorry."

"No, no, don't apologise," I said instantly, feeling a little bad. "I just– if I don't get this done, Cat will kill me."

"I got it, you do this, it's cool," she said reassuringly, offering me a small smile.

"Sorry," I tried, a little sad that there was nothing I could do. I really needed to get this done, despite wanting to spend some more time with Kara.

"It's fine, good luck," she said, giving me a grin and thumbs up before leaving.

I sighed, before getting back to work. Unfortunately, it was a few hours before I could get away from my desk, and I managed to track down Kara at her own desk, remembering she wanted to tell me something.

"Hey," I said, earning her attention.

She looked up from her notebook, smiling when she saw me. "Hey, you manage to get that content done?"

"Just about," I said, before offering a small smile. "Sorry again for blowing you off."

She waved her hand dismissively. "It's fine, honestly."

"I'm free now though," I said optimistically. "Maybe we could grab an early lunch? You can talk to me then?"

Kara pushed a strand of hair behind her ear as she nodded slowly. "That sounds nice actually, yeah."

I felt a little relieved when she agreed. "Great. Well, I'll let you get your things and meet you by the elevator?"

She pursed her lips, suppressing a smile. "You got it."

We ended up getting lunch, as agreed, and it was nice to make it up to her. Though, I never really noticed that she never ended up telling me whatever it was that she wanted to tell me. I was so distracted by how smoothly our lunch was going that I forgot to ask her about it. Maybe if I'd asked, she might have told me the truth. Or she might have made something up and lied. I guess I would never know.

–

Did somebody say tiny umbrella drinks? #gottalovethetinyumbrellas #CatCoFoundation [image here]

I sent yet another tweet and picture out from CatCo's Twitter account, watching as it instantly got responses from everyone. I was at an event that Cat was throwing for all CatCo employees plus special guests. It was an event to raise money for Cat's foundation – a charity for children's hospitals in National City. My job was to live-tweet the heck out of the event, hoping to boost donations online.

It was a formal event, so I was comfortably dressed in some high-waisted pants and a silk blouse, it being my best attempt at 'formal' clothes.

The event wasn't too bad. There was free food and drinks, plus I got to hang out with some of my friends from work whilst doing the bare minimum. I just wasn't an evening person, I guess.

"Hey, stranger," a voice startled me, and I turned around, surprised to see Kara Danvers stood there.

I hadn't seen much of Kara in the past few months, despite working with her. She always seemed to be caught up with Winn, and she'd gotten quite close with the not-so-new guy, James Olsen. I wasn't stalking her or anything, but I began to notice when I would try to make plans with her like we used to – little things like grabbing coffee or going to watch a film after work – and she would decline or have plans already. Then I'd see her constantly being surrounded by Winn and James, so I figured she'd just made new friends.

"Kara," I breathed out, smiling as I took in her appearance. "Hey."

I hadn't seen her at all this evening and I was sure she just showed up because I definitely would have noticed how good she looked in that fitted red dress of hers.

"You look really nice," she said, looking me up and down before meeting my eyes.

"Thanks," I said, hoping my cheeks didn't look as warm as they felt. "So do you. You liking the event?"

Kara looked around, nodding. "It's beautiful."

"You did a good job," I said, giving her a knowing smile. "I know you planned it."

"This was all Cat, I just–"

"Kara, everybody knows you plan the events around here," I told her with a chuckle. "It's okay."

She smiled to herself, looking down. "Right." It went quiet for a moment before she looked up and said, "Do you want to dance?"

I was a little taken aback by her confidence, but nonetheless, I found myself nodding. She smiled as she held out her hand. I took it, feeling goosebumps from how soft her hands were.

She led me to the dance-floor, stopping and resting a hand on my waist, the other holding my hand. I nervously rested an arm on her shoulder as I focused on swaying to the music playing rather than stepping on her toes.

"I feel like I haven't seen you in a while," she said after a moment. I looked up and saw her blue eyes staring right through me.

"Well, we've both been busy," I attempted to give a reason.

She shook her head, smiling apologetically. "No, it's not that... it's my fault. I've been hanging out with James and Winn so much lately that I've been neglecting you."

I laughed a little awkwardly. "Kara, it's okay. You don't need to feel bad for having other friends. I mean, you don't have any obligations to me. They're your best friends. Of course you're gonna hang out with them."

She pursed her lips and I admittedly felt nervous as she stared at me, her expression unreadable. She was a little taller than me which didn't help with me trying to keep my emotions in check. She was extremely close to me as we swayed to the music and I could just about focus on it as she continued to stare at me.

"What if I want to have obligations to you?" she asked, and I almost thought she was joking until I realised that she wasn't.

I wanted to understand what she meant, but I didn't get to ask because she leaned forward and closed the gap between us with her lips. I was surprised at her boldness, pinning Kara for the shy type. Nonetheless, I returned the kiss, melting into her embrace and warmth.

We pulled apart soon enough, myself a little flustered from the kiss. My lips were still tingling as she met my eyes, a small smile tugging at her lips.

"I hope that was okay," she muttered.

I nodded slowly, still surprised. "Yeah, it was."

My stomach was doing somersaults as I mirrored her smile; the gala was merely a blur in the background as I realised Kara Danvers had just kissed me. I definitely wouldn't have thought she felt something for me other than friendship.

"I'm assuming you want this to go somewhere," I said, a little stupidly.

She laughed melodiously as she nodded, intertwining her fingers in mine. "That's the plan, yes. But actually, er..."

"Second thoughts already?" I joked, though inside I was genuinely believing she might be second-guessing her decision, judging from her sudden change of facial expression.

"No, no," she said, shaking her head. "It's just, I feel like we should talk first. I have to tell you something. Before this goes any further."

She sounded quite affected by whatever it was, so I nodded, losing my smile for a moment.

"Of course, you can tell me whatever you need to," I reassured her, giving her hand a little squeeze. "Do you want to talk now or after?"

She opened her mouth to reply, but tilted her head to the side as she grew distracted. I waited patiently, expecting her to snap back into reality, but she seemed caught up with something else.

"Kara? You okay?" I asked, growing a little concerned.

"What? Yeah, sorry," she said, shaking her head before meeting my eyes with apologetic ones. "I'm sorry, I have to go for a minute. I just realised I have to check on the desserts for the party."

"Oh, okay." I nodded, giving her a small smile. "You can tell me whatever it is afterwards then?"

She smiled, nodding. "Yeah. I'll be back after, I swear."

I believed her and watched as she let go of my hand, already in a rush to leave. I wondered what was so time-sensitive about desserts, but decided not to question it as I realised the very obvious and surprising fact that Kara liked me.

As she turned to leave, she quickly turned back to me and moved forward, pressing a haste kiss to my cheek. My face heated up as she flashed me a beautiful smile, before moving to leave.

Just danced with the most beautiful girl in the room #CatCoFoundation

I looked up and saw Kara by the door, about to leave, but she stopped when her phone vibrated. After glancing at the screen, she paused and a wide smile graced her lips. Her eyes lifted and she gave me a knowing look before disappearing. I found myself smiling like an idiot the rest of the night.

I guess I should have realised, once again, that Kara never ended up telling me whatever it was that she wanted to tell me. I was so caught up in the fact that she returned my feelings that I never remembered to ask her what it was that she wanted to say. Maybe if I'd remembered, things would have ended up a little differently.

–

Kara and I went on some dates, our relationship blossoming naturally. It was the best thing to happen to me at the time – finding someone who I thought truly understood me, and vice versa. We had inside jokes, an 'our song', a favourite restaurant we frequented; we were happy and it was amazing. I was really falling for her. I thought she was perfect. Nothing could change that, I thought. She was everything I wanted.

"What are you thinking about in that pretty little head of yours?" Kara asked, tilting her head to look at me.

It was moments like this when I was in awe of her beauty, inside and out. She was comfortable, with her hair tied in a loose ponytail and her face makeup-free. Her glasses were balanced on her nose as she stared at me with an easygoing smile and sparkling eyes. I felt a sudden overwhelming flood of love for her as she waited for me to reply.

"I'm in love with you," I blurted out uncontrollably.

She raised her eyebrows slightly, mouth agape as she realised what I said.

"I'm sorry," I said, shaking my head. "That was random. And weird. Too soon, right? I freaked you out. I'm sorry."

Kara blinked several times, straightening up as she shook her head. "No, it's not, it's..." I watched her with anticipation, as she found her words. "It's fine. It's... I feel the same way."

It was my turn to be surprised now. I raised my eyebrows, a smile forming on my lips. "You do?"

Kara pursed her lips, eyes flickering up to meet mine. "Yeah."

I breathed out. "I'm really happy to hear that, especially because I thought I freaked you out, but like, I feel like something is bothering you, Kara."

Resting a hand on hers, I squeezed it gently. She offered me a small, troubled smile and I wondered what was occupying her thoughts.

"I trust you," she said gently. "I do. I love you. And I... I want you to know that I think what we have is amazing. I've never been happier."

"This sounds like a breakup," I joked, chuckling nervously. She wouldn't break up with me right after saying 'I love you', right?

"No, no, it's not!" she reassured immediately, taking any doubt from my mind. She leaned forward and cupped my cheek gently. "I'm not breaking up with you, silly."

"Good to know," I said playfully, resting my hand on hers and moving it to my lips, kissing it softly. "What is it though? What's on your mind? You can tell me anything you know."

She nodded. "I know... I can. I will. Now."

I stayed quiet, watching as she had some inner conflict going on. What was bothering her so much?

"I want to say that I–"

But she was cut off by her phone ringing. She rolled her eyes and I offered her an approving smile as she reached to answer it.

"Alex, hey, what's up?"

I sat back, keeping ahold of Kara's hand as she listened to Alex on the phone.

"Are you sure?" Kara said, concern in her voice.

I wondered what was going on, as the blonde was scrunching her brows together with worry. Her hand slipped from mine as she stood up, pacing.

"Okay, I'll be there now," she finished, before hanging up.

"Hey, that sounded serious, is everything okay?" I asked, standing up, too.

Kara nodded, already in the process of grabbing her things. "Yeah, sorry, it's just some family stuff with Alex. I should get going and help her out." She stopped moving and turned to face me, a distracted frown on her face. "I'm sorry. I know we were supposed to spend the evening together and I wanted to tell you something, but–"

"It's fine, Kara, you can just tell me another time," I cut her off, moving forward and rubbing her arm gently. "I hope everything is okay with Alex. I'll just see you at work tomorrow, yeah?"

Kara smiled tightly, nodding. "You're too understanding. It's annoyingly admirable."

I chuckled, stepping forward and pressing a gentle kiss to her forehead. She had a few inches on me, so I had to step on my tip toes to reach, but seeing the little smile appear on her lips when I did made it worth it.

"Don't get stressed about whatever it is you wanna tell me," I added, meeting her eyes. "I'm sure it'll be fine. I love you and I'm really lucky to have you in my life. I don't think anything will ruin that. Just... remember that, okay?"

Kara nodded, her eyes flickering to the floor. "Thank you, Y/N."

"I'll leave you to it," I said, moving away to grab my coat and put on my shoes. "Good luck with whatever is up, and see you tomorrow."

As I was about to leave, her voice called out, "I love you, too."

I smiled widely at her before leaving, feeling lightweight because of all the love that was bubbling around inside of me. Once again, Kara managed to distract me from the fact that she had something big to tell me, as when I followed up the next day, she assured me that she just wanted me to know that she sometimes moved too fast in relationships and she didn't want me to feel like I was being rushed.

I believed her, blinded by what I thought was my happy ending, and that was that.

[rocketmuse]

I thought I'd share my playlist for the anniversary of the boathouse kiss. :)

Song translations, MANY thoughts, and timeline under the break.

Noise warning for song 19, Hinahanap-Hanap Kita. 4:23 to the end. Loud high pitched beeps.

YouTube music version to be made soon.

Translations for foreign songs:

Ewan [Dunno] — Apo Hiking Society — Filipino/Tagalog

Amour plastique [Plastic love] — Videoclub — French

Panalangin [Prayer] — Apo Hiking Society/Moonstar88 — Filipino/Tagalog

Hinahanap-Hanap Kita [I'm Looking For You] — Rivermaya — Filipino/Tagalog

This is a collaborative playlist made with my friend.

Thought Good Old-Fashioned Lover Boy would be a good starter song. Something about the music. Represents a good start of Alec persuing Maurice, like, hey, I can be yours... Whatcha doin'?

I added Puppy Princess because of the chorus but I know some people don't like that song so... You can skip if you'd like. KISS MEEEEE KIISS ME WITH YIIR EYESSS CLOSED . ALL I WANT IS YOU YEAH YOU. TELL ME I'M NOT FUNNY TELL ME I'M LEGIIIIT

Ewan. OH MY GOD this song is so them. Alec cares for Maurice, and doesn't like not being taken seriously or being treated badly and brushed off.

"I don't know why you're like that, you're difficult to talk to and you're a snob" COME ON IS THAT NOT THEM — Just a smile from you, and I'll be in heaven. Please give me a response, anything but "No idea"... What a perfect representation of Alec's continuous persuit of Maurice, always talking, always trying...

I could go on with every lyric.

Edit: I just realised this song fits so well for Alec's letters and meeting at the museum. Must resist the urge to add the same exact track twice.

So about Touch Me... Some of the lyrics apply better in other versions. Spotify just has this version tho. Touch me, just like that.

All I've Ever Known. Maurice discovered so much that night about touch and sharing and being with someone. He wants to be with Alec. "All I've ever known is how to hold my own, but now I want to hold you too. [Hold you close, I don't wanna ever have to let you go. Hold you tight, I don't wanna to back to the lonely life.]" Alec opened up his eyes and he'll never be the same.

Can't Help Falling in Love With You. 'Did you ever dream you'd a friend, Alec? ... Someone to last your whole life...' 'Alec, you're a dear fellow and we've been very happy.'

I'd Like To Walk Around In Your Mind was added from Maurice's perspective. Perhaps it fits Alec too...

I think Love At First Sight has the double meaning of the literal title, as well as "wouldn't you like to kiss her" perhaps being... Something Maurice would hear.

I Don't Dance. Based on this post/edit. Please watch this video oh my God.

Pink in the Night. Alec yearns for Maurice in the boathouse. He hasn't come. He hears his heart breaking tonight.

Every lyric is perhaps pulled straight from Alec's brain, to be honest. I remember seeing a post with this song in other contexts with them too. So yes, a few meanings.

Amour plastique. Alec reminiscences on the night in the Russet room. Why hasn't he come?

In my mind, everything goes wild. I lose myself in your eyes. I drown myself in the vagueness of your loving gaze.

And at night I cry tears that stream down my cheeks. I think of you only when the days ends, only when my sad demons descend upon my mind, into the bottomless abyss.

Waiting in the boathouse at night, when the day ends.

I ring out in kisses all down your chest. Lost in the avalanche of my heart astray. Who are you? Where are you?

The moments of then repeat in his mind. Where is Maurice?

I suppose Hopelessly Devoted To You and I'm A Fool To Want You are self explanatory. Maurice should really come... Alec really toughed it out, 2 days he spent in the boathouse, really wanted to see Maurice, really knew they had something, and doesn't want to be treated like a dog. Generally, his 1st letter.

Moon Song. My friend said they added it as a general love song. — Why do you treat me like this? Why didn't you come to the boathouse? — Alec's 2nd letter as a whole. Plus bits of 1st.

And you pushed me in, and now my feet can't touch the bottom of you. ... So I will wait for the next time you want me, like a dog with a bird at your door.

Ewan would fit here tbh.

Panalangin. My only prayer in this lifetime: to be beside you, to be together with you, that's my prayer.

"I since cricket match do long to ... place both arms round you and share with you, the above now seems sweeter than words can say."

And this heart won't allow if you will be away from me, my love, please listen.

It also fits the end of museum.

I Want You. Maurice, can you come to the boathouse already? Alec has no power to teleport you there. I hold one card that I can't use.

I found you. I found the door, but when I stepped through, there was no floor. He found Maurice, bit he's not being here for Alec.

You're coming back And it's the end of the world We're starting over And I love you, darling And I am done, dear

Alec wishes this would happen. Also, he does come back later and they love again over, and "it is finished".

Credit for suggesting the next two songs goes to @beatle-capaldi!!! He also wrote was in quotations!

English Summer Rain

The Most Radical Thing To Do

Hinahanap-Hanap Kita. 1st letter, he's looking for Maurice. Thinking about them together.

In my thoughts and dreams, in every turn of destiny, I look for you. Also applies to that hotel/post-hotel feeling. I look for you, even if I try to forget you, saying goodbye, looking back...

Wildest Dreams. They think a lot of each other. They share once more. But they must say goodbye. Alec saw this coming. Maurice hopes that Alec will remember him like this.

I Hear a Symphony. Alec truly opened up Maurice's eyes. Maurice was meant to be with him. He helped Maurice, changed his life. But now Alec is leaving on ship... Or is he? The symphony leads into...

An orchestral sountrack. The Boathouse. Unfortunately the Maurice soundtrack is not on spotify. It's on my personal YouTube music version. I added it because it just captures the boathouse the only way the sountrack itself can.

The Word of Your Body (Reprise). MLM people have moment of romantic tension, which culminates in confessions of love. Just had to add it. "Haven't you heard the word of your body?" perfectly describes Alec gifting and showing Maurice the wonder of truest physical affection and love. He lets Maurice be okay with himself, and again, changes everything. Every lyric is perfect.

Also, sorry JBW, I like other versions more... Too bad Spotify is mean.

I See The Light. Yeah. Every lyric. Maurice is Rapunzel. Movie Blond too. Both the morning at Russet room and the museum. And the world has somehow shifted. All at once everything is different, now that I see you. "By now they were in love with each other consciously."...

Suddenly Seymour. Suddenly see more, yeah? Clive = ass and someone gives him affection for once, wow! Sidenote, I want to sing this with them and their accents... Suddenly SCUDDER...

Helpless. Musical theatre songs seem to be good retellings of their love story. It's why they belong in post boathouse. Summaries and retellings. They're also good at conveying love they'd feel for each other in general, all times ever. Like loving men, retelling a story.

I'll Cover You. Cute love song feat. gays. I like to imagine them dancing around, declaring their love and devotion for each other. Walking and dancing around like in the original scene, sometime post canon. In my own imagination, I thought of Alec as Angel and Maurice (Christopher) as Collins.

Video Games. They must love spending time together. I thought this to be Maurice POV. Only worth living if somebody is loving you I mean, come on.

It's you, it's you, it's all for you. Everything I do. I tell you all the time, heaven is a place on Earth with you.

Un sospiro. I headcanon that Maurice picks up the piano and plays for Alec. Perhaps he picked it up bc of/after Clive, but now can play it for someone who gives a shit.

Something about the melody reminds me of them. And then it gets more intense... A bit like the passions of love, showing up in sharing and touch and more, too.

Liebestraum. I mean, it means love dream/dream of love. I just had to. Also I just like Liszt.

Take Me Up With You, Dearie. This song is just so sweet... So soft... Edwardian to boot... I love how quintessentially 1909 it is. Discovered it in a YT video. The thought of them getting married makes me cry. This song in general makes me want to cry, it's so romantic, tender, and exudes my favourite era...

Let us float, float, float through the clouds, and just have a lot of fun. We'll go up, up, up as two and then come down as one.

Put Your Head on My Shoulder. We Belong Together. I always imagine Maurice and Alec slowdancing to songs that come on the radio together, when the 1950s hits... Alec probably rests his head on his shoulder as this plays and they dance...

I'm using a lot of ellipses, am I secretly Rupert Graves?

Welcome to the 70s and 80s. They love dancing together and being with each other. Now, Panalangin can be a happy song. My only prayer for this lifetime ... To be together with you. And this heart won't allow if you will be away from me.

Just the Two of Us. What a nice, vibey song. Great title, great scenario of them dancing to this...

Tiny Dancer. Your Song. MLM people in the 70s + Radio, being happy and in love with each other. — I just thought I should add some Elton. A different friend, and I, like him. Maurice sings to Alec, "And you can tell everybody this is your song." That I put down in words how wonderful life is with you in the world.

Electric Love. Fun fact: this song got me to share the playlist. Got me thinking about them and their anniversary again. The funky busy instrumental describes well their passionate love. The highs of electric LOOOOOOVE describe the intensity of them.

Alt text continued: themselves together under and the love. And the love. The song has its own tension and it perfectly pictures their own tension. So yeah, this is THEIR song quite literally.

Sorry if my music taste is perhaps basic. I just made it for when I hear songs that are Them.

Falling for Ya. Alec falls for Maurice. "I saw you when you first drove up, Mr Hall..." Something about Maurice, right? Plus really nice vintage vibes with the music. The bit about Into your arms and it's a secure sure sounds like Maurice. Awh, they're falling for *each other*...

Rainbow Connections. Gay and bi people. Marriage. Everything that Maurice and Alec went through to get here, where they were meant to be. Clive. Working for Clive. Leading up to now.

All the things that had to go right, all the things that had to go wrong, that lead us to the place where we were going all along.

On the YT version there's a soft/jazzy cover of Panalangin here. Because they're old and spending time together and being happy. What a throwback, a defined meaning in their lives over time.

Still Into You. After all these decades... Old and grown, together... True soulmates... Two men can defy the world... Maurice and Alec still roam the greenwood. Imagine Maurice meeting Alec's mom in this context. If only.

Postmodern Jukebox cover, because they are a quintessentially 20th century couple. They exude vintage.

Some piano playing for Alec. Soft, tender, romantic, emotional, true. Feels like nighttime. Feels like Maurice and Alec. And a throwback to the pre 1914 world as well. Claire de Lune feels like... A credits of life piece. Time spent in the early 1980s. Nocturne feels like that too, but more romantic. Smidge less nighttime. Ah yes, Gymnopédies. The truest credits feel of them all. None of these actually are credits for Maurice and Alec, but I struggle to find the word for this feeling. But yeah. These all have Them vibes to me. Piano of the time just does I suppose. Glad to be reminded of them at any time.

What a long playlist. Like going through almost their whole lives together. 1:52 hrs. Almost like a movie. Imagine that. A full movie of THEIR lives... But leaving to the imagination was a good thing. Led to this such action. Thank you E.M. Forster.

Timeline:

1. Pendersleigh

4. & 5. Russet Room. Night, then Morning

9. Cricket

10. Boathouse Nights

18. The Museum

20. The Hotel

21. After

23. The Boathouse

24. They Still Roam the Greenwood

I just like to imagine them dancing to songs on the radio, for decades to come...

[do-ray-mi]

Food Chain pt.2(Park Jisung x m!reader)

Pairing: NCT Dream Jisung x male reader

Genre: Highschool Au, angst, hurt/comfort, enemies to friends to lovers.

Warnings!!: this fic contains use of the F slur, bullying, toxic behavior and is not to be mimicked. Viewers Discretion is Advised.

Description: Karma comes even in the form of who you thought you could trust the most.

🥀🥀🥀🥀🥀🥀🥀🥀🥀🥀🥀🥀🥀🥀🥀🥀🥀

He was one of the first to arrive in class, he took his seat at the back. The group of girls in the front were gossiping about something on their phones... but they looked confused, even almost mad or disgusted.

"Can't believe he's gay!!" One girl says out loud, grasping more of Y/n attention.

'Oh no, who is it now?' Y/n thought.

More students walked in, also talking about something while showing their phones to their friends.

Y/n was close to bringing out his own phone, only to realise that even if he did, he still has no idea what everyone is looking at.

One of the jocks in class turned to Y/n with a smug look, "yo twinkle toes, you're not the only queer here now!"

Y/n only gave him a scrunched up look, the jock walked over to him and gave him his phone. It was Chenle's post, it was a screenshot of some texts. He read the caption.

'Guess who's the school's new fag!' It read, reading the texts in the screenshot... his eyes grew wider.

Park Jisung, flirting with another man over text.

Y/n gave the phone back to the jock, he was slightly in a daze still trying process what he saw.

"He's finally getting his karma, this might be the best day in your life." The jock said giving Y/n a pat on the head before going back to his seat.

Y/n just sat there, "why does this make sense, yet also doesn't". He really didn't know what to make of this situation.

How did Chenle get that screenshot? Why did he post it? He thought those two were best friends...

Then it clicked... right, the Food Chain. Chenle saw the opportunity to overthrow Jisung and took it.

During class, the teacher had to kick out a few students cause all they were talking about was that post.

Once it was finished, he was trampled on by Kai and Soobin.

"Dude did you hear!?!?" Kai almost screeched.

"It's kinda hard not to... this is the first time I've seen something like this."

Soobin looked around, he noticed how everyone was looking for something... or someone.

"I don't think he's here today...", He spoke up, Kai and Y/n looked over at him in slight confusion l, "Jisung" he clarified.

"I wouldn't be surprised, he got completely humiliated." Beomgyu said walking towards them, alone.

You can clearly see how quickly Soobin and Kai tensed up at his presence.

"Can I... talk to you two? Please..." Beomgyu almost begged, his eyes glossed over, showing a mixture of emotions. Soobin glanced at Y/n, asking for his opinion through his eyes.

Y/n knew what was going to happen, he saw it coming from a mile away. "Go for it" he mouthed at him.

Not without a hint of hesitation, Soobin and Kai followed Beomgyu to a secluded corner of the hallway.

Y/n made his way to his locker to put away his bag. It might sound fucked, but he feels safer in school today knowing that everyone is distracted.

Of course, his kindness got the best of him and he couldn't help but wonder. "How is Jisung doing..?"

Lunch was interesting, Beomgyu was joining them now.

Apparently, Yeonjun and Taehyun kicked him out. Y/n didn't pry into the reasoning, but judging on how Beomgyu clutched the side of his stomach every so often...

... it was probably literal.

Y/n glanced over at Jisung's gang, the Dreamies they call themselves... which is ironic considering how much of a nightmare they are.

Chenle was glowing in the new attention he was getting. The only members he could see were uncomfortable were Jeno, Jaemin and Renjun.

Hm, interesting.

*

Things started taking a turn the next day, when Jisung arrived at school. He dressed a lot less flashy than usual, hoping to avoid people. Unfortunately, he couldn't change his height so he still stood out like a sore thumb.

The morning wasn't so bad for Jisung, he only got whispers, laughs and the occasional shoulder shove.

He got into his first class, where his... old friends were. As well as his number one victim, right now he can't help but feel intimidated by him too.

Jisung walked into the classroom after taking in a deep breath. Almost like a horror movie, all heads turned to stare at him simultaneously.

"Oh well look who decides to show up!!!" Chenle shouted out, his legs against the desk with his head held high in an air of arrogance. Laughs echoed in the room aswell as in his head.

Huh, so this is what it's like...

"Guess you owe a little someone an apology for being a hypocrite." The same Jock from yesterday voiced out, Jisung glanced at Y/n in the back of the classroom. He also noticed how the only available seat in the classroom, was right next to the boy.

Jisung sighed and made his way towards the desk and sat on the chair.

He looked down on the desk, the entire desk was big enough for two students and it was covered in sharpie.

Slurs, death threats, lewd drawings depicting stereotypical homosexual behavior, insults... you name it.

They were directed towards him now too.

All because Chenle decided to make a fake convo and post it. Now this is where he is...

[miss-smutty]

The Destructive Secret - Chapter 1

A/N- So first of all, extremely mature themes, strictly 18+ only This is my baby, I love it and I'm so excited for it but oh my lord! My poor heart writing this. This is going to be a super angsty series. Since I got the idea I've been desperate to get it written, even though it's going to break my heart. The dynamics of it have been driving me insane because I want the first chapter to have a air of mystery to it but then how do I tag it without giving it away? 😩 So I've purposefully left out names in this chapter so you don't know who's who and all will be revealed in good time. Can you work out what's happening? I'd love to hear your thoughts ❤️

Disclaimer: This is an entire work of fiction/AU and has no affiliation to real life what so ever! This is a fictional story about fictional characters who happen to share names and faces with some real people.

Summary- You've got a secret to hide and it's going to cause complete and utter destruction.

Word count- 2,197

Warnings- Mature themes, swearing, smut, angst, deceit, lies

18+ only!

Taglist-: @innerpaperexpertcloud @pandaxnienke

Posted: 25th Feb 2021

"Babe, don't hate me... I have to go out of town for another conference this weekend" The deep confliction you feel everytime you do this to your boyfriend, never gets any easier.

"I don't hate you, we'll make up for it next week. How about a little romantic trip, just the two of us" he says sweetly, making your heart tug, you wish he was a bad guy it would make this a lot easier.

"That sounds like a great plan, I'll make it up to you tonight" you say, distracted by your thoughts.

"Well that sounds... Intriguing. I'll see you tonight babe" he hung up the phone but you kept it to your ear, still deep in thought before finally realising and putting the phone on the desk next to your computer.

You finished typing up the letter you were working on before the phone call, looking back and forth from your phone to the screen of your computer, still distracted by your thoughts. The butterflies in your stomach making you feel sick. You gave in and grabbed your phone, typing out a text quickly.

-I've told him. Pick me up from work at 5.30 Friday - you stop typing to think for a minute, before finishing the text with two kisses - xx

You try to get your head back into work, the neverending pile of deadlines building up on your desk next to you. When your phone vibrates the desk loudly, you look around to make sure no one's watching you before giving in to your curiosity and picking up your phone.

-Great, see you Friday. I can't wait to see you xxx

You try to feel excited but the overwhelming amount of guilt you feel always overrides that. You wish it could be different, that you could've met in a different way. That you could actually thoroughly enjoy the time you have together rather than feeling a deep shamefulness everytime you meet.

You've got yourself into something so deep that you can't think of a way out of it, either way it ends somebody is going to be hurt. In fact, one way or the other, you're all going to be hurt.

                             *******************

"Hey babe, did you have a good day?" Your boyfriend greets you as you walk into the kitchen, filled with the aromas of the food he was cooking for you.

"It was ok, busy. This smells amazing. What you making?" You ask, kissing him on the cheek as he stands over the stove, stirring a pot of delicious smelling liquid.

"I'm just making a sauce for the pasta" he says letting go of his wooden spoon and grabbing you by the hand to spin you around and face him. 

"Did you bring dessert?" He says into your ear, moving your hair to the side and planting kisses down your neck.

"What no, was I supposed to?" You couldn't remember him saying anything about dessert, yet you'd been pretty distracted most of the day.

"I'm sure you said something about making it up to me tonight?" He smirks, pulling you in for a lingering open mouthed kiss.

"Oh, yeah. That kind of dessert" you say, pulling away slightly.

"Are you ok? You seem kinda ... Distracted" he asks, a look of concern on his face as you shuffle though the papers in your bag.

"No, sorry babe. It's just work, I've had a lot on my mind today" you lie, sort of. You had a lot on your mind it just wasn't work related, even though you wish it was.

As you put the papers back into your bag you can feel your phone vibrating. Fuck sake, not now. Becoming flustered you accidentally drop the bag onto the glass table, nearly jumping out of your skin from the loud noise your phone made as it hit the glass. 

You notice your hands shaking as you hold your phone in front of you, cursing yourself under your breath for being so pathetic. Reading the text has your heart beating at an unbelievable pace, making you light headed and dizzy. 

-Can you meet me tonight? I hate this, I hate not being able to see you whenever I like. Please Y/N xxx

You pull out a chair and sit down before you fall down, why do you have to be pulled about in so many different directions? It was so hard leading a double life and keeping your dirty little secret, it literally ate away at your soul. You were a shell of the person you used to be, completely consumed with lies and deceit.

Sleepless nights, tossing and turning caused by guilt and work schedules and then still having to sneak away whenever you could. You lost yourself, trying to keep two people happy while completely forgetting about yourself.

"Babe?" 

"Huh?" You say looking up from your phone, you hadn't realised he'd been speaking to you.

"I said, red or white? He asks, furrowing his brow at you.

"Sorry, what?" You look confused, shaking your head as if to shake the thoughts right out of there. You have no idea what he's talking about.

"Wine? Foods ready. Do you want red or white... wine?" Looking more concerned.

"Oh, white please. Thank you, this looks amazing" you say, putting your phone into your shirt pocket and tucking your chair under the table, ready to get started. It really did look amazing, you don't deserve him. 

You watched him sit down opposite you, his ridiculously blue eyes catching yours as his fork passes to his lips. He smiles that sweet smile at you, the one that made you fall in love with him all those years ago. The memories of the years flash in front of your eyes in an instant, the first time he told you he loved you, the first kiss, the first time you made love, beautiful, beautiful memories. You can feel a tear prickling at the corner of your eye, lowering your head, hoping he didn't see. 

"Are you sure you're ok?" He asks, reaching across the table to hold your hand in his. The feel of his touch on your hand sends shivers down your spine and the tears spill from your eyes without warning. You hear his chair screech as he pushes it backwards and rushes to your side.

"Babe, please tell me what's wrong?" He kneels In front of you while you rest your head in your hands, completely overwhelmed with guilt. This poor man, my man, how could I do this to him?

"Don't be nice to me, I don't deserve it" you say, self-loathing.

"What are you talking about? Come here" he pulls you up and sits down with you on his lap, lifting your face to look at him which makes you cry even more. 

"I've been so distant with you, so consumed in my damn work that I've been totally neglecting you - " you cry, looking up at him sincerely, tears streaming down your face messily " - I'm so sorry" if only he knew how sorry you actually were. You loved him, he was your first everything, which makes it even harder for you.

"Hey don't be so silly. I'm a big boy, I think I can handle you being a little distracted, it just means when we do get time together it's more special. You've put up with so much from me, with the tabloids and papparzzi. You took it all on when we were still so young and never complained once, this is nothing compared to that" he wipes the tears away from your cheeks. Oh baby, please don't blame yourself.

"I would do it all over again, you know? It was worth it, I'd never change it. You're my childhood sweetheart, we've grown up together and I... I" you're balling like a baby now.

"Shh, baby. Please don't worry about it. You need a break, you've been working way too hard" if only he knew.

He nudges the side of your face with his soft bearded cheek until you give in and look up at him. The tears are also starting to well in his eyes and he smiles at you, at how silly and emotional you're both being. You suck it up and wipe the tears away with your arm.

"Come on, I've got some making up to do" you say, leading him to the bedroom. Your phone begins to vibrate in your pocket - an incoming call. You reach in and hold down the off button, you'll deal with that later.

He stops you before you make it to the bedroom and pushes you hastily against the wall, unable to wait much longer. His hands feel their way down your body until he reaches the hem of your skirt and pushes it up to your stomach, revealing your lacey panties. Your breath hitches as he pushes himself against you, the feel of his hard cock against your exposed panties makes you forget everything else for a moment. 

"I love you so fucking much" he says against your lips, biting gently on your bottom one while his hands run up and down your body. You reach down to unbutton his jeans, it's all very rushed and desperate, you need to feel each other, feel the love you have for each other. You need to show him, a painful desire that burns in your chest to show him that you love him.

So you push him backwards towards the bedroom door, your hands still working his jeans as your lips lock, never pulling apart.

Shoving him slightly too hard back onto your super-king bed in the middle of the room, you waste no time straddling him. He reaches up to unbutton your shirt, thrusting into you as he does so, the need so bad it hurt. You stopped his fingers fiddling with your button midway down your torso so you could pull off his jeans and boxers, while he props himself up on the bed with his elbows. Watching intently as you take control.

You kneel between his thighs, smoothing your hands down those thick muscles. Waiting for him to position himself at the end of the bed, making sure he has a good view before you run your pierced tongue up the shaft, all the way to the tip. Teasing him, knowing full well how it makes him feel. The ways his head falls back, his mouth hung open and the sounds falling from his lips, stir something deep inside you. It makes you feel hot to know you're turning him on this much.

Circling your pointy tongue around the tip, a sultry stare straight into his eyes makes him groan. You take his tip into your mouth, swallowing the drop of precum, licking your lips for him. Sucking on his cock, feeling it throbbing in your mouth, growing impossibly harder.

You can tell he can't handle it anymore when he pulls you onto him so you're sitting on his cock, your walls stretching around him making you both suck in air at the sensitivity. He leans back up to finish unbuttoning your shirt while thrusting his big cock, deep within you. Finally getting your shirt off, he grips his fingers into your ass cheeks, squeezing them as he sits up. Bouncing up and down on his dick, while you stare into each others eyes, the intimacy overwhelming you. Lost in the moment for a precious amount of time, feeling the sensation of your loves cock filling you up beyond limits.

You pull his shirt over his head, revealing his beautifully, tanned body. Holding on tightly to you while he pushes himself up the bed so he can lean his back against the headboard. Watching your tits move as you bounce on his cock, thrusting into you with his jaw clenched. You know that look, the way he's desperately trying not to come too quickly.

Both of your breathes are getting faster as you bounce harder, the gripping sensation rises through you.

"I love you" you say between breaths, leaning down to say it into his ear. 

"Fuck - " he groans, pulling out of you quickly before he come, your rising orgasm fading away. 

" - fuck Sorry, babe. That was too fucking much" He rolls you over underneath him and quickly positions himself back at your entrance, easing in painfully slowly.

Now thrusting into you at an unforgivable pace, making you gasp everytime he slammed into you. Pushing your knees back towards your face and settling himself between them, holding your head with both hands and gazing into your eyes. He's ready, you're ready, you can feel it rising as he rolls his hips into you. The look of love in his eyes making you feel emotional, he's panting and you're moaning as he lets go and pumps into you making you lose it and scream out as you gush everywhere. Holding onto the sheets, tightly, as you wait for your toes to uncurl, still inside of you he lays on your stomach trying to catch his breath. Your muscles cramp up and shake making you wince as you try to move out from underneath him

"Are you ok?" His head snaps up, concerned.

"Yeah, just cramp" you whine, stretching out your legs when he rolls to your side.

"I really do love you" you say moving into his arms.

"I know you do. I love you too" he says kissing the top of your head. You're brought back to reality when you hear your phone vibrating again on the floor, in the pocket of your shirt. 

"You're popular tonight" he says noticing the sound of your phone as it vibrates the floorboards.

"It's just work, it can wait until tomorrow" you say, content being in his arms for a little longer and forgetting that anything or anyone else exists. Even if it is only for a moment.

[coffee-n-bagels-comic-universe]

Inside Jokes and References in the Full Bios

Mainly for @spacelizardtrashboys and @kuruumiya

Also: Any time strikethrough text is used it's because it's meant to be secret information, for example on the small bios any time 'Lucifarian' truly isn't their last name their is strikethrough test after saying that it's not their real name. This is to say that no matter what is written or if it's strikethrough text or not, it is there for a reason.

Damien - Bio In-Jokes and References:

The Quote for him refers back to his 'King of Hell' gimmick, as does his middle name, Rex means king.

He's protective, like a dad, but also way too overprotective over the gimmicks for the girls. He's an old, old school guy so he enjoys card games with the boys.

He's supposed to sound like a young Hugh Laurie, mainly because if I heard a young Hugh Laurie say Damien's bio quote I wouldn't be able to take him seriously.

His main finisher (Seventh Circle) refers back to (a) him being the king of hell and (b) the seventh circle is for violence, and well, he's a wrestler, that's a pretty violent job.

He calls fans both 'peasants' and his 'loyal subjects' because he's like an asshole-ish king who'd quickly be dethroned if they rebelled.

Vickie - Bio In-Jokes and References:

The Quote for her refers back to her gimmick along with the old saying 'pride comes before the fall'.

She's called 'Victoria' because of both (a) it meaning victory and (b) the fact that Queen Victoria ruled back when Britain had an empire, then the empire fell (as in pride [Vickie] before a fall)

Both Her and Damien are born in August and are the only two to share a birth month as they are Father and Daughter (non-kayfabe, as in they share DNA)

She's raised Christian as back when she was growing up England was a lot more Christian than when she became an adult so she got lax in her beliefs

Her personality is supposed to make her come across as a vain, rich, arse of a person, yet deep down she's still redeemable, she's got a long way to go before she actually redeems herself though

She's the type of person who makes sure EVERY little detail of her matches and promos are PERFECT to the point that she will control what other people do or say, down to the moment it's said/done and the way it's said/done

She only likes the other D.O.D (Daughters of Darkness) members because she has only made enemies in the short while they've been in the company, she especially dislikes George 'The Animal' Steele because of his very messy style going against her 'everything should be perfect' views

She's the leader, the brain and the mouth because of her control over the group, if she let them have more control, there might be less arguments about her amount of control

Her named moves are also references to both her gimmick and other things. Beheader is named because of the Tudor monarchs of England having kind of a thing for killing people in this way (ex. Henry VIII).

Lineage Ender is named that because if she ever botches that one specific move (it'll make sense in context/ she does it during a training scene) it could end either her own Lineage or the person she's doing it to.

Lion's den is called that because she traps them in a near-inescapable crucifix pin, and normally if someone goes into a den of Lions, they aren't escaping in one piece.

Family Pride is named that because not only is her gimmick the sin of pride, but she's got pride in her family and she's her dad's 'pride and joy' because she's his only child.

Wish for this (her main finishing move) is called that because it's an inside joke of "you're gonna 'wish for this' to be over soon"

As she's Damien's blood daughter, a 'prodigal son' joke seemed somewhat appropriate.

Billie - Bio In-Jokes and References:

Her quote is a reference to the Guerreros and the whole 'Latin lover' trope

She was born in February because of Valentine's day, hence why her birthday is two days before the 14th

She's 1/2 Cuban (just in general - both Mexican and Cuban culture is interesting to me) But she's 1/2 Cuban in case I ever need to write for Razor Ramon, I can get away with making the joke of 'my Cuban accent's better than yours'.

Her casual style is 'Suggestive' because how else is Lust supposed to dress.

She dislikes Hulk Hogan because she finds him incredibly annoying and she dislikes Jesse Ventura because she dislikes his fashion choices.

I imagine her uncle Hugo looks like Luis Guzman and her dad's like Raul Julia. Try to imagine those two wrestling as a luchador tag team.

Her mother was basically a valet to her dad, which was usually Billie's role before she was part of the D.O.D.

Her move name references are all song references: Love me Tender - Elvis' song of the same name, Personal Aphrodite - a reference to / joke on 'Personal Jesus', Sexual Healing - Marvin Gaye's song of the same name.

Also, I hope to eventually use the joke 'The Babe, the babe with the power,' 'What power?' 'Power of voodoo' 'Who do?' 'You do' 'Do what?' 'Remind me of the babe' because of one of her commentary nicknames being 'The Babe'

P.G - Bio In-Jokes and References:

Her quote is in reference to her being greed and (right at the start of the story) her thoughts on money actually being able to buy her happiness

her surname 'Voronin' means crow, and well, crows like shiny things, like money

she wears 'fancy but simple' clothing because if she bought designer clothes she'd be in debt, but she still wants to look like she has more money than everyone else

she's cowardly in a Jimmy Hart way, she'll piss someone off during a promo and run away once she feels like she's in danger

she's a showman because she's more show than work, meaning she works exceptionally quick matches.

Her moves are basically jokes on the fact that she is greed, such as Gold-digger and Diamond Ring. However, Money Maker is also a joke on the fact that it's a facebuster and usually an actor's face is called their 'money maker'

She hates Hulk Hogan and Sgt slaughter because of how patriotic they are

Kirby - Bio In-Jokes and References:

Her quote is a reference to (a) the fact that she's Gluttony, (b) her being the only one who wears a mask constantly and (c) her basically being the group's scare tactic against people who think they can push them around.

I am planning on eventually making her a part of the machines, maybe as a valet, maybe as a wrestler, not 100% sure as of right now

Her mother is the Norwegian-Scottish one and her father is the Irish-Welsh one

She is the tallest (not the heaviest, that's Damien) but she's still 9 inches shorter than André.

She's willing to bleed hardway, but hates blading

She hates Big John Studd because of his disrespect, she hates Hulk Hogan because she thinks he's obnoxiously 'American', she dislikes Lord Alfred Hayes and Dynamite Kid because they are so insistent on calling her '1/4 Icelandic' whenever she talks about being 1/4 Norwegian. She hates Brutus Beefcake because he's just 'so, so much' energy-wise.

She's always been tall, always shorter than André though, she was 5'6" when she was 12, which is still taller than Sam, P.G and Eli.

Kirby's the best at using folk tales and mythology references in her promos and still keeping them dark and scary.

Her speaking voice is Jessica Hynes, but I imagine her singing voice (which will be important later) to be that of Deee-lite's Lady Miss Kier. On that note, I will be putting up a post on this part of the fic's canon.

Feeding Frenzy is meant to look similar to Roddy's wild punches, hence the 'frenzy' part of the name.

Organ grinder is named because it's meant to look really hard (like she's putting all her force and weight into it) as if she's grinding her opponents organs

Hungry for Blood is an in-joke of during her toughest matches she seems hungry to give the fans the sight of blood

Consummation is a joke of 'the match will soon be over, the match will soon be concluded, or consummated' not the sex-based meaning of that word.

Number of the beast, which is 666, is a reference to the 619, and is a modified 619 basically.

Vampire's Bite is a reference to her sitout jawbreaker looking like she could possibly bite someone's neck, like a vampire, as she performs the move

I didn't want to call her chops, chops, so I made a joke of 'oh it's chopping, like a butcher's knife'

Overfeeding is another basic gluttony reference. Cheshire Grin is a facelock-based joke. Let Them Eat Cake is a butt=cake joke

The ogress is a thinly-veiled way of the commentary team calling her ugly, because why else would she be the only one in a mask

Holly - Bio In-Jokes and References:

Her quote is written that way because I always wanted her to sound like she comes from New Jersey

She's very cuddly towards the rest of the D.O.D and thus gets called a teddy bear by the others

She's Pansexual because she doesn't care what your gender is, she loves people just being themselves

She's the only ginger because I've never seen a ginger wrestler from New Jersey

She was raised Catholic but lost her faith upon realising how bad gay people are treated by the church (Holly literally just goes "Y'all it is 1984, how are y'all gonna reject people based on who they love?")

Holly's very much the person who'll ask permission to cut a promo on someone but won't tell them how harsh she's going to be

She's the group's mom friend (mum friend?)

Before she started travelling with another member of the group (Holly travels with Sam a lot) she would accidentally no-show events

She does accidentally give incredibly stiff shots

Holly likes Gorilla Monsoon because their friendship is very much a weird pseudo-dad-daughter friendship, so basically, she's using him as her new dad

Her voice is Angie Harmon because I think Harmon sounds like a badass from New Jersey

Naptime, Dirt Nap and Lullaby are jokes of 'I'm gonna knock you out'

Eli - Bio In-Jokes and References:

Her quote is a joke of 'this is why she doesn't do a lot of promos'

She's the most likely to be on one of those 'too hot for TV' blooper reels from her promos

Both she and Sam hate people taller than them

Sam - Bio In-Jokes and References:

Her quote is a reference to the fact that her tattoos are her 'masterpiece'

she dresses athletically because she's always ready for a fight, especially because she's usually the one picking fights

She likes Lou because he's like a crazy uncle to her and she likes George Steele because, unlike Vickie, she likes the wild man side of his gimmick

She's voiced by Melissa Etheridge because she's still feminine but is the most masculine sounding

[littlehollyleaf]

Oh my God, your tags on that Dean/Cas Ten/Rose parallel post were exactly what I was feeling scrolling down it. I was also in the minority of DW fandom that couldn't stand that ship (although I loved Rose and read/wrote a ton of fic about her) and I resent that the Destiel hell I've been plunged in for 6 weeks has made me have to reevaluate it(/consider several times how I would have felt if, eg, Jack had somehow created a duplicate Dean to get with Cas in the finale)

HELLO fellow minority non shipper! (did we, in fact, bond over this already??)

UGH though, I had not considered how I'd feel if Dean got a duplicate Cas instead of the real one like happened to Rose...

(though, indecently, way way way back in the day, like S04 or S05, I read an AWESOME FIC where exactly that happened- Cas died helping save the world and Dean was heartbroken and left Sam to be alone for a bit, then he was investigating a case where wishes came true or something and 'Cas' appeared in his hotel room, and they... you know, were intimate and stuffs... only after a bit they both realised he wasn't the real Cas just a fabrication created by the MotW, cos he was Dean's deepest wish/desire... Dean then resented him for a bit, but fake!Cas ended up helping Dean solve the case and faught against his MotW creator, giving Dean just enough time to tell him that he cared for fake!Cas as himself as opposed to just cos he reminded him of real Cas before fake!Cas poofed into nothing once MotW was dead...... it was, you know, ANGSTY AS HELL, but that's my jam :P In the end the experience kinda, helped Dean deal with Cas' death and move on I think...)

ANYWAY. While I disliked the ship and was thus personally chill with Rose ending up in her separate world with Ten2 cos it finally removed her from the narrative (though I was DEVASTATED over the associated end to Donna's story D':), I always felt bad for v the shippers cos it seemed like it would be very unsatisfying for them? Cos (unlike the explicitly and gloriously angsty fic above) it was largely presented as this Happy Ending for Rose? Except, it wasn't? Cos she didn't actually get to be with the Doctor. He was genuinely someone ELSE - not an exact clone, but a blend of the Doc and Donna. So... he wasn't the man she loved? OR, if you do read the relationship as reciprocated, the man who loved her... though he had the memory of loving her I guess (or at least the memory of almost telling her he loved her in an emotionally charged situation where he was saying goodbye to her forever - which I personally will continue to read as being therefore not necessarily meaning he genuinely full on loved her romantically, just that he felt compelled to say it in that moment, so there!).

...there is that last shot of Rose turning to the disappearing TARDIS that maybe suggests her future with Ten2 is not necessarily gonna be completely happy cos it's actually the Real Doctor she'll always be pining after. So maybe many/most shippers DID take it as an angsty/tragic end for both The Doc AND Rose and enjoyed it as such? ...but idk...the show seemed to me to be mostly pushing the idea that it was tragic for the Doc but Satisfying (or bittersweet at least) for Rose, so... *shrug*

Certainly if Dean had ended up with a fake!Cas (like in the above fic but forever, or a duplicate created by Jack like you suggest or a memory!Cas in Heaven or something) and presented it in the same way as Rose/Ten2 I... would NOT have liked it!

...honestly tho the whole deancas-dr/rose thing is just WILD to me.

Cos I was arguing, so LOUDLY and for YEARS, through Drs 9 and 10, that the relationship was one-sided on Rose's side (heck I even felt like Nine kissing her kinda VALIDATED that reading, cos it was him giving her what she wanted to save her and as a last act before he maybe died forever), and while no one ever told me I was crazy or delusional for said reading/option, the sheer widespread assumption that the truth was otherwise def made me an Outsider (I remember watching one of those filler tv shows listing the best / most popular Romantic Moments in tv, cos it was on before whatever else I was about to watch- and it had, like, a love confession scene from The Office and a wedding from a soap and stuff, but we got to #1 and it was fucking Dr and Rose being separated, with the fact they were a mutual romance not even being QUESTIONED and a bunch of random celebs gushing over how painfully romantic the moment was and why they loved it, and I was mentally flipping tables!!).

So yeah - spent pretty much all of the Dr/Rose saga feeling defensive and like my reading/opinion of the relationship was being unfairly dismissed/ignored/not even considered.

Then forward to deancas and, lol, I spend my time feeling EXACTLY THE SAME... but this time I'm actually reading/embracing pretty much the same kind of subtext I was refusing/denying before?? But the widespread assumption is still once again against me?? (with the added bonus of my reading being literally labelled 'delusional' this time).

So yah, two ships that parallel each other that I happen to have been massively emotionally connected to for years and I just... Did Not Win with either of them :P Cos the one I hated was understood and celebrated as explicit canon and the one I loved was never understood as explicit canon (and still isn't I assume) and was often mocked/derided. AND YET it's turned out much of the text for both of them turned out pretty similar...

...wild :P

(of note - even when arguing against Dr/Rose I never denied Rose romantically loved, or crushed on, him, even before her 'I love you', that much was always undeniable to me... and yet even now there are MANY people claiming Cas' final 'I love you' wasn't romantic? ...the parallel really does highlight the prevailing heteronormativity huh?)

[punkscowardschampions]

Jac & Savannah

Jac: Are you warm enough? Jac: 🧣🤗🧤🤗🧥 Savannah: No but that's a total secret, okay? I can't cope with the others judging me for trying to look nice Jac: I'll never tell Jac: [subtly getting her a blanket or something though, obviously] Jac: no one can come for your look 😍 Savannah: [you know we're snuggling under this blanket together because shameless excuse to be close af] Savannah: oh I see, you're trying to warm me up by making me 😳 it's fine that can be our secret too Jac: [would be so 😳 forreal] Jac: you can blame the 🔥 Savannah: [putting her head on the bae's shoulder like we're not already close enough and doing a little happy sigh] Savannah: but your compliments deserve full credit, anything else would be unfair Jac: [patting her head under the guise of checking out the boujee hat] Jac: your outfit arguably deserves a higher class of event but I'm still glad you're here Savannah: [doing a hat swap because we do so love sharing clothes with the bae and it's amusing as well as a shameless excuse to check her out like hmm what do we think] Savannah: I'm glad I'm here too Jac: It would be weird if you weren't Jac: I'm as close to you as my siblings now Jac: in a different way, obviously but still Savannah: [swapping the hats back because the bae is serving a look and also then we have to fix her hair and make that a moment™ soz Amelia for this blatant flirting you are witnessing rn] Savannah: I feel so at home here, with you Jac: [when you think the bae is perfect so you can't even pretend to sort her hair, so you end up fussing with your own after her like ugh it's so unruly but we're 🥰 and seriously soz have a more or something] Jac: You are Jac: you're always welcome, even when we're celebrating weird non-holiday holidays Savannah: [just giving her all the compliments out loud because we see that fussy and also we don't care who hears us, again soz Amelia and snuggling again] Savannah: I'd make you the same offer in a heartbeat if I felt welcome at my house Jac: [snuggling her extra hard for a hot sec there] Jac: I know, baby Savannah: [likewise and just burying our face in the bae's shoulder fully because emotions and doing a little sad sigh this time] Jac: [doing something to make her happy, probably posting the picture of her for example] Savannah: [giving her all the compliments again because that is a good picture tbh gal you clearly have skills but then because I'm evil I'm gonna say your bf sees it and so you're texting him forever while he's with his friends doing whatever] Jac: [at least you have an excuse to get up, like your other guests lol] Savannah: [just gotta do something extra as she's getting up like take her hand and make her do a little spin or something cos you're a nerd and we know you care more about this than whatever your bf is saying] Jac: don't faint Savannah: catch me & it won't be an issue Jac: I don't need to tell you it's dangerous to play near or with 🔥 Savannah: [as close to a LOOK as we can get away with] Jac: 😈 Savannah: he wants to see me, like, right now Savannah: but I don't think he's offering a higher class of event Jac: 😏 and obviously, you have to make him sweat it out a bit Jac: right? Savannah: all night at least Jac: Poor Ty Savannah: Do you think I'm being too 😈? Jac: not enough, if anything Savannah: oh really, well I hate that Jac: I'm sure it'll do the job on Ty Jac: but I think you could do better Savannah: of course I could, especially if the alternative means disappointing you Savannah: I don't ever want to Jac: It's very unlikely that you could Savannah: It's impossible, I promise Jac: Don't worry, it wasn't a challenge Savannah: I'm not worried if it is, I'll rise to it for you Jac: 🌠🌠🌠 Jac: I am going to have to challenge my brother not to be that basic white boy who brings out an acoustic 'round the campfire, excuse me 🙄😅 Savannah: 😄 Savannah: as long as Isabelle doesn't decide to sing along, because it'll be a challenge for me to sit through that Jac: 😬 Jac: she ALWAYS gets the words wrong! Jac: I think she might be partially deaf Savannah: you would know Savannah: it's a shame she's HOPELESS at sign language Jac: honestly, she'd need to do some brain training first Jac: bless her Savannah: I'm still waiting for you to teach me, maybe I'll be worse than she is Jac: [gutted you can't say gay things 'cos most people here can understand but you can still come teach her] Savannah: [Amelia do be watching you and she definitely can] Savannah: [Jude would also just be chiming in telling Savannah what she's doing wrong like a blunt bitch so now we're mortified because we have to be good at everything] Jac: [just showing her how to tell Jude to fuck off or something like excuse you] Savannah: [literally never swears because she's that kind of trying to be classy so you've been spared gal but we're not forgetting that you made us look a fool] Jac: She literally couldn't tie her own shoes 'til like last year Jac: I wouldn't spend any energy on her Savannah: it's fine, I'd rather know my mistakes Jac: She knows it's as rude to listen in on a sign conversation as it is a normal one Jac: honestly, I don't know where her manners have gone half the time Savannah: I'll have to get better now so we can have a conversation worth listening in on Jac: I'll show you properly Jac: when we have some privacy Savannah: you can come home with me, we'll have plenty of privacy if we leave here late enough Jac: You're really gonna make him wait then Jac: 😘 Savannah: he'll be too drunk to be any use to me once his friends are done with him Savannah: & anyway, I want to be with you Jac: Good Jac: of course I'll come Savannah: I feel like I haven't even seen you since Ty & I reconciled, I've really missed you Jac: he had a lot he had to make up for Jac: so I've missed you more Savannah: [touching that necklace he gave us without realising we're doing it as we recall that horrible argument] Savannah: I'm all yours now Jac: Good Jac: because we're both going to need really long 🛀 to get the smoke smell out of our hair Savannah: ugh true! I'll wash yours if you wash mine Jac: 100% Jac: and would you ever trust a boy with your hair, no matter how sorry he is Savannah: No way! Savannah: plus he's too tall to fit in the 🛁 with me, even the huge one at my house Savannah: he'd just sulk the entire time Savannah: I'm so sorry I'm taller than the other girl you dated Jac: the basketball boys always go out with tiny girls Jac: it's like their thing Jac: so weird Savannah: right? 🙄 Savannah: it's a totally possessive thing, I'm glad you can't stand over me to feel powerful, excuse me Jac: honestly Jac: people always talk about short guy's complexes but tall lads think they're so superior just for having a few inches, okay we get what you're trying to put out and it ain't cute Savannah: exactly Savannah: & if picking me up & throwing me around is SUCH a turn on for you, work at it 💪🏾 I have to put in effort to look good too Jac: Not about it Savannah: Ty isn't either, he's the gentlest boy in the world Jac: Yeah he is Savannah: maybe too gentle sometimes, but I didn't say so Jac: I get it Jac: you don't have to think he's perfect just because you're going out with him Savannah: he definitely doesn't think I am Jac: he's got no complaints though Savannah: for now, I suppose Jac: he told me, you saw Jac: he thinks you're good, if not perfect Savannah: he doesn't want to lose me Jac: he's not stupid Savannah: ^^ he'll say anything, that's what boys do Jac: yeah Jac: how much they mean is a different story Savannah: my dad's never meant a single word he's said to us Jac: even if he meant it at the time Jac: he didn't stick to his word, and that's what counts Savannah: yes, it is Jac: Ty's dependable Savannah: I'm not though, I'm a wreck Jac: hey Jac: [looks at her and shakes her head like no] Jac: do you want to go inside for a bit? we can be getting more food and drinks or whatever Savannah: okay Jac: [casually run off hand in hand so you can go properly talk about this] Savannah: [soz not soz everyone] Jac: [also said your garden would not be that big so probably gonna need to go upstairs or down so everyone's not just 👀 lol] Savannah: [get in the basement for that parallel] Jac: [sounds creepy but yes lol, go forth for that privacy hens] Savannah: [yet again we're just telling the bae stuff that we haven't told anyone including our bf #bonding] Jac: [we know the fucking vibes, y'all gonna be ages and do not care remotely] Savannah: [gotta fix Savannah's makeup for her to because she'll have done a little cry so that's gay & intimate] Jac: [honestly how this kiss doesn't happen sooner hun] Savannah: [that's the scolding hot tea] Jac: [casual patience of a saint somehow] Savannah: [we both know you're scared to cross that line hens] Jac: [mhmm how you just don't though when the tension is this high and obvious but you know, sort yourselves out] Savannah: [for now though go back outside to find Amelia has left] Jac: how rude Savannah: Do you have any messages from her? Jac: she told them she was feeling sick Jac: but she's not said anything more than that in a message either Savannah: one of her migraines? Jac: probably Jac: smoke can be a trigger, I guess Jac: oh well, I'll message her in the group chat, make sure she's okay Savannah: I hope she got home okay Savannah: it was a bit rude of Is not to go with her & make sure Jac: ^^ I'm like, girl Jac: you've had THREE hot dogs Jac: you could've done without the last one to be a better friend but priorities, I suppose Savannah: ^^ she could've at least come & got us so we could do the right thing if she wasn't going to Jac: Seriously Jac: now I look lowkey bad like thanks 🙄 Savannah: No, it's my fault Savannah: I feel bad, poor Amelia Jac: Oh my God, no, it's so not your fault Savannah: it's okay, I know I'm beyond demanding Jac: You aren't Jac: She just has a headache Jac: you're actually going through it right now Jac: you deserve time to vent Savannah: 😔 Savannah: but I do understand if you're upset with me Jac: I'm not, at all Jac: just at Is a bit for not handling the whole situation properly Savannah: Would you like me to talk to her? Jac: That's fine, we don't need to get into their drama Jac: it's like, not a situation and not going to be one because Is either wants it to be or is literally too ditzy to check in on Amelia herself without being explicitly told Savannah: You're right Savannah: you deserve a good night even if it is a fake holiday Jac: I'm having a good night with you Savannah: Oh please, I can do better Savannah: I've been crying for most of it Savannah: [proves it by doing the most, throwing ourselves into all the activities and thus the bae as well] Savannah: [I like to imagine poor Isabelle trying to get involved & we're just subtly not having it] Jac: [montage time, honestly Is you would've been better to leave too, at least the fam is here so you aren't being totally ignored lol] Savannah: [soz that we're just falling in love here] Jac: [literally can't help it sorry they don't mean the harm they casually do] Savannah: now you're having a good night Jac: an even better one, yeah Savannah: I'll be your 🌠 Savannah: anything you want, all you have to do is whisper it to me & I'll make sure it comes true Jac: Tinkerbell's got nothing on you Savannah: your happiness is so important to me, with or without the 👏🏾 Jac: you know I'd do anything for you too Jac: I feel like I should do more Jac: be better Savannah: you do more for me than anyone else EVER has, if you did more you'd be putting your own mental health & wellbeing at risk for the sake of mine Savannah: I'm not trying to be a drain of you like Is, who literally needs her hand held through every little thing Jac: I know, you're just so good to me Jac: but you're good FOR me too Savannah: I'm not always this selfish, I swear Jac: you're literally the most selfless Jac: all you do is look after Sienna and you're the best friend to me and girlfriend to Ty Jac: it hurts my heart sometimes Jac: I just wanna take care of you and make your life so easy you can thrive and shine Savannah: You're going to make me cry again Savannah: [IRL 🥺 because the bae is so pure & genuinely takes such good care of us] Savannah: I'll survive this & you'll see what I'm actually like without all this drama surrounding me Savannah: I really will be the best friend to you forever Jac: [we're such emotional bitches atm and always tbh hennys] Jac: I know you will, you're already amazing Jac: you're going to be unstoppable Jac: and I'm gonna be right there with you Savannah: [it's the only emotion we can safely express rn because smooching is forbidden] Savannah: I'm totally fine with doing trust falls Savannah: you know I believe in you & our future together Jac: 🌍 sister connection Jac: [because we are all earth signs except Amelia soz gal] Savannah: ^^ yes! Savannah: [take your bae to dance because it's a party and that's the only excuse we need] Jac: [bye at how much of a moment that'd be] Savannah: [literally there's every chance it's the first time they have because her bf would always be there at parties and stuff so I'm deceased] Jac: [we know you'd have no qualms stealing her away but a party with loads of peers is different from how intimate this is, at best everyone has a few friends] Savannah: [exactly that, so glad you don't have to see this Amelia you really would have a headache] Jac: [yeah this would be 💔] Savannah: [thank god we've got Isabelle cockblocking rn because y'all are too in love tbh] Jac: [just joins in 'cos not in love with you and thus oblivious] Savannah: [they'd be so annoyed lol] Jac: [lmao oh isabelle] Savannah: [go get some drinks or something gals and whisper shade to each other about this poor third wheel because any excuse to keep that intimacy going] Jac: [it's a good thing you are lowkey oblivious or you'd be way more upset by it all too] Savannah: [god bless you Isabelle, so soz you get done so dirty] Jac: [in the end you live your best life, just not being friends with this squad lol] Savannah: [the best thing for you is getting new friends my love, but for now I like to imagine she's talking to them about some boy or other, remember those you massive gays] Jac: 😬 him Jac: seriously?!? Savannah: What is she thinking of? & more importantly, what part of her body is leading her in those thoughts Jac: 😷 I can't Jac: so many cold showers necessary for her and honestly just some 🧼 for him Savannah: He asked me out, knowing full well I'm not single or interested, it was horrific Jac: the definition of no shame Savannah: I didn't know what to do Jac: I bet you didn't Jac: the actual nerve Savannah: Not to sound like Amelia, but I genuinely have no understanding of what she approves of or thinks we'll approve of about most of the boys she talks about Jac: Availability? Jac: like, imagine that was all a boy had to say about you Savannah: that's so sad Jac: like if they weren't so gross themselves, I'd feel sorry for them Savannah: I've just decided, I'm going to find her a boyfriend we can all stand to be around, Ty'll know someone Savannah: it'll give you a much needed break from how clingy she is & my heart won't hurt anymore from hearing her talk like this about boys who aren't worthy Jac: Such a nice idea 👼🏾 Jac: does he know anyone that will deal with her though Jac: she's a lot Savannah: It may not be an overnight success but I'll work my 🔮✨ Jac: I believe in nothing harder than I believe in your magic Savannah: I'm your girl too, just like you told Ty, of course you have faith in me & because you do, I feel so capable of anything 🥰 Jac: It had to be said Jac: like we said, the possessive thing, not it Jac: you're you and you're so many things to so many people, and you're especially important to me Jac: if he wants you, he's gotta accept that Savannah: ^^^ Savannah: I love you & you're always going to be part of my life, I hope he is too, obviously but there's none of that uncertainty with you, you are & you will be Jac: Right, romantic relationships are arguably almost always the least secure, that's just realistic Jac: ask any girl who ditches ALL her friends and then gets dumped Savannah: oh god, I could NEVER Savannah: I need you Jac: The concession they must make in their lives, like, who do you talk to about the stuff he has no interest in, who gives you advice from a woman's perspective??? Jac: so toxic Savannah: He & I have very different styles of self care, I'm sorry I simply would not survive Jac: 🏋️ is part of the daily grind, NOT a way to unwind, sorry Ty Savannah: 😄 Savannah: Don't worry, I promise I won't wake you as early tomorrow for our workout Jac: I'm not, I nearly ALWAYS wake up before you Jac: but that's okay, you look adorable and very peaceful 😴😘 Savannah: well it takes me longer to fall asleep Savannah: you look even more adorable & peaceful then 👼🏻☁ Jac: okay, so we're even 😅 Savannah: the universe is keeping everything in balance for us Savannah: I love that Jac: I know, right? Jac: if we had a 👶🏾 or a job share we'd be KILLING it Savannah: 🥺 you're going to have the cutest babies ever! Jac: 🤞 the dad's DNA doesn't screw that up Savannah: No way, we'll find you someone perfect Jac: I have more hope for Uni Savannah: you don't trust my matchmaking skills? Jac: No, no Jac: just the boys you have to choose from here 😬😂 Savannah: 😄You're right, an LDR makes much more sense for you & I wouldn't have to share you as often Savannah: I'll find you a first year uni boy who goes to school with Ty's brother Jac: You think so? Savannah: definitely, he'll fit into your schedule without wanting to become your schedule Savannah: & you may actually be able to have & sustain a proper conversation, depending what he studies Jac: you really do have the best ideas Jac: Obviously down Savannah: [immediately starts sending her pics and profiles because we're extra] Savannah: Let me know who you like & I'll totally make it happen Jac: I'll look properly tonight at yours Jac: [like no, Isabelle, you may not have more than a peep so you're #curious] Savannah: there's no rush, whenever you're ready Jac: 😍😍 Savannah: [snuggling again with our IRL 😍 because we're in love bitch] Savannah: [Savannah is just that touchy feely hoe like soz gal she's gonna just be touching you ALL THE TIME] Jac: [at least you'd have to vaguely get used to it or literally die haha, we know the 😍 are and will be for you but we'll pretend to be into these lads so we can scheme it together] Savannah: [we've since the pics you had a touchy feely vibe with Amelia too, even if it was more like hugs and piggy backs lol you can do this] Jac: [mhmm, arguably you can't but you carry it on for a long time lol]

[black-sunbeam]

Pepero - Exo Lay Fanfic

Genre - Oneshot Fluff

Word count - 1671

So this is a Yixing fanfic that I wrote in high school and I finally decided to post it. Enjoyy

'Do you know the pepero game?' Lay asked me as we unpacked the snacks. 

I knew where this was going as I stared at the box of pepero sticks he was holding up. 

'No I don't' I replied, looking away, being totally dishonest. Of course I knew it and I was sure of one thing. There was no way I was going to do something that embarrassing.

'Do you want to know?' He urged getting all excited.

I sighed.

'Not right now Lay..'

'It's really fun.'

'Could you please pass me the biscuits' I said in a futile attempt to distract him.

He picked up the tin of biscuits and handed it to me. 

'Listen!' He literally squealed 'how it works is...'

'Where's the bread? We didn't forget to buy it right?' I clearly cut him off

Lay was silent as he shook his head and passed me the loaf of bread. I took it and continued stocking the other stuff, ignoring his presence. He looked at me for a few seconds before he asked

'Do you not want to know?' the disappointment in his voice was clear and I instantly felt bad.

'It's not that..' I said, feeling sorry 'Can we just concentrate on unpacking this stuff for now?..' 

I couldn't look into those dejected eyes as he looked at me and nodded silently and shoved the pepero box away. I could feel the depressed atmosphere as he shuffled around the groceries. The last thing I wanted was make him sad. I sighed. 

'Okay fine.. tell me..fast...'

He was elated to hear this and hurriedly pulled out the box of pepero. I turned away and started arranging the food in the refrigerator to avoiding any eye contact.

'It's really simple' he started 

'We take one stick. I put one end in my mouth and the other end goes in yours...'

I blushed at the details and I could feel the heat in my face. I was grateful to have the refrigerator cooling my head. 

'Then we start eating from the ends and our faces come closer...' he explained as I cringed.

I started picturing it in my mind which made my head spin. Just imagining it was bad enough...

'And... We kiss' 

'Huh?

Don't we leave a 2cm gap?' I replied unconsciously, looking up at him.

He stared at me, bewildered and I realised my folly. I quickly turned back into the freezer as he kept looking at me.

'You knew?' He asked

I blushed, my eyebrows slightly furrowing.

'Yes..'  I admitted

'I've seen it a few times on shows' 

His eyes never shifted as he examined me silently and I wished he'd look away.

'Look... I...' I began, scavenging my brain for an excuse, but before i could say anything he placed the pepero box on the kitchen counter and walked away.

I was left speechless as he strode towards the sofa and sat curled up on it with his legs up and chin touching his knees. I mentally punched myself about ten times as I watched him, pouting in the corner.

I sighed and walked towards him. He refused to look at me. So I knelt down on the floor in front of him and took his hands in mine.

'I'm so sorry Yixing. I didn't mean to lie to you like that. Will you forgive me?' 

He still wouldn't look at me

'Please..' I begged and his eyes softened 

He hesitated a bit but finally spoke

'You didn't want to do it with me..' he mumbled .

I was surprised when I heard that. So that's why he was depressed. I never saw it from his point of view. Was that how he interpreted it?

'No' I exclaimed 'I was just embarassed to do it'

He still pouted, melting my heart again.

I looked up at his crestfallen face and said,

'You know what? I want to do it'

I noticed his eyebrows rise in surprise. I got up and went to the kitchen counter. I took the box of pepero and opened it. I could see Lay watching me from the corner of his eye. He pretended to not have been looking when I returned with the box and knelt down on the floor in front of him again. 

I took one stick and held it in my mouth and leaned upwards, towards him. He had turned his head away but his steady eyes were watching me and he had a faint smile on his lips.

'Unghh'  I pointed at the pepero in my mouth, nudging his legs with my fingers.

He stared at me for five seconds before he looked away and abruptly chuckled.

'Unghh?'  I looked at him confused.

He put his legs down and with his left hand lifted my chin upwards as he leaned into my face, his eyes looking into mine.

'Oh you are so cute' he grinned smugly, 

My heart was instantly hit by rapid palpitations as he bit the other end of the stick.

He kept biting off pieces and I shut my eyes unable to bear looking at his face from such close proximity without fainting. He kept biting it off, coming closer each second when all of a sudden the pepero stick broke, his lips only two inches from mine.

I opened my eyes because I knew that was the end of the game. I felt a split second of relief that it was over when all of a sudden he held my face in his hands and pulled it close to his

And kissed me.

My eyes went wide open as he pressed his lips to mine. I couldn't even hear my heartbeats anymore. Only some distant, melodious, chiming bells. 

When finally after a long second our lips parted. He opened his eyes and looked at me, grinning and I stared back with shock on my face. 

I lost all the strength in my legs and collapsed on my behind, my face boiling hot. He smirked, enjoying my reaction as he got down on the floor and leaned towards me, crunching the pepero stick in his mouth.

'So did you like the game?' He whispered in my ear in a teasing tone, his breath tickling my neck and ears. 

My voice disappeared leaving just a knot in my throat and I flushed deeper. 

Chuckling again he faced me and our eyes met. He stopped laughing almost immediately and held my gaze for about ten seconds as his expression changed completely from teasing to serious before he placed his left palm on my cheek. I shuddered at the touch as his fingers reached to the back and dug into my hair, tangling it and gently pulling my head closer to his.

I tried to form comprehensible words but instead empty air escaped my mouth. I didn't even struggle this time when the gap between our faces kept decreasing, till finally our lips met again. 

I have absolutely no idea how to put into words what I felt at that moment. My heart was beating so fast that it hurt, like it was being punctured with sharp skewers from every side.

I held my breath and my mind went haywire due to the lack of oxygen. But the most unexpected feeling was that my body was reacting to him, to his every touch, wanting to close the distance between us. I didn't care if it hurt. I felt a wave of electricity passing through my nerves and I knew I was on the verge of passing out.

Our lips finally separated and I gasped for air. I looked at Lay to see him still intently looking at me. I held my aching chest with my left hand trying to calm my short-circuited heart, partially coming to my senses. 

I started taking deep breaths and our eyes met once more. He held me again slowly coming closer but I knew I was at my limit and with a swift movement, I held up my palm and covered his mouth.

He looked at me questioningly.

I shook my head taking a few deep breaths.

'That's.. all I can take...for one day..' I heaved, somehow finding my voice, my mind still going topsy-turvy.

His response was unexpected as he roared with laughter and backed away. I nearly collapsed to the floor, when he got up and lifted me in his arms effortlessly. He put me back on my feet and whispered chuckling 'Shall we continue unpacking then?' he remarked like nothing even happened.

I nodded dizzily, holding onto the side-table for support, trying to recover. 

He walked towards the kitchen, still shaking  with laughter and I watched his back as he walked. 

I was absolutely sure of one thing.

I was uncontrollably in love with him, and nothing could change that. I followed him with my numb legs, slightly tripping at each step. He held me to his side began unloading the rest of the groceries. I felt a sudden gush of warmth in my chest as i watched him. 

I still had the box of pepero in my right hand which I made absolutely sure to place in the far corner of the back shelf. 

I was trying to shy away from the thought of it but I knew that the unforgettable memories of today would always remain in my heart, making me red each time I thought of him.

                               ------X------

I went to the room the next morning. Lay had already left and I got a text that he'd be back by noon. I decided to cook something for lunch rather than ordering in again and went into the kitchen. The first thing I saw in the kitchen when i entered made my jaw drop and the blood flow right through my face.

The box of pepero was on the front shelf at eye level with a note stuck to it

- 'Nineteen sticks left' 

This is my very first fanfic. I hope you like it. It's clear who my bias is hehehe. Also I'm not really sure how the Pepero game works so I made up my own version here lol xD

[m-talks-shit]

12/11/22 - 15/11/22

Remember when I said that after a while I would slowly start giving up on this and start posting less and less? It's already happening. I'm surprised it took this long actually. There are a few things I want to share.

First of all, I went out with my sister on her birthday and we got our nails done which she paid for, I paid with my companionship, considering she literally has no other friends.

After that I once again went out to help my friend with his film project. (Did I mention this before? I'm not sure.. well, I'm helping my friend with a film project)

We went to my house to film in the back garden because using a fog machine was pretty vital to the performance. My mum is so unbelievably dramatic, she went on a walk with the dog and she called me to hysterically yell about the fact that she saw a fire engine and thought that someone called the fire department on us. I don't understand why she always overreacts like this, she's so paranoid she creates this insane scenarios in her head and then projects them onto everyone else.

Anyway, after we finished we went out to a field to film some extra scenes and then came back and ordered a pizza before everyone went home.

I spent the whole day today at my friend's college, also helping with the film project. It's gonna be a long one and he has to finish it within a month so I'm willing to help as much as I can. Although I am worried that I may not be able to help as much now since I'm starting a new job.

Oh yeah! I'm starting a new job! Well I'm not sure, I gave in and applied to a warehouse through an agency. It's only a temporary job, they probably just need more staff for the holidays so I probably won't be there for too long. At least it's something though.

However the most interesting thing to happen to me by far was my ex's best friend reaching out to me. It's a strange situation. My ex was always very insecure about this friend and thought that he would steal me or something. Don't get me wrong, I did like his friend and after we broke up I admitted my feelings and asked if he felt the same. He didn't say no, he just said he couldn't do that to his friend and I understood. I got over it. I tried to be his friend for a while because he honestly was fun to hang out with and talk to but I realised that I was initiating every conversation and after I stopped, we didn't talk again. We didn't talk for half a year and he suddenly messaged me 'Hey, are you okay?'

I was taken aback a bit, I wasn't sure if I should respond or not. Eventually I did. We fell into a conversation, he was always really bad at texting so I've been carrying the whole thing. I was pretty pissed off when he mentioned that he hadn't 'gotten laid' in a while. I thought that he just hit me up to hook up. Which is ridiculous. Who does he think I am? Even if I wasn't over him, why would I go to a different town to have sex when I can do it in my own town whenever I want? (Plus I have a boyfriend.. can't forget that part..)

He keeps calling me pretty. It's not out of context, and well, I am pretty, he's not lying. I can't tell if he's flirting with me or not. I don't know if I want him to or not. It's confusing. I did have feelings for him at some point, I still like him as a person. He's fun to be around and he's sweet and has a good personality. He made me obsessed with The Beatles and The Smiths. He's an old soul but the good kind, it makes him classy. Plus he is very conventionally attractive.

There is a realisation I made which will once again make me sound insane. For days I was getting loads of tarot readings that all said that I had a social media stalker, someone who would always view my posts and watch my stories. They said that this person would eventually make a move towards me. I dismissed them because they didn't make sense at the time. Today I realised that this guy would always be the first to view my snapchat story, which was weird to me because he's not the type of guy who sits on his phone all day. I didn't really think anything of it, until now, it clicked. He is the stalker.

[i-just-really-like-ladies]

Hey op, I saw your post about discovering you were autistic. Something similar is happening to me except I haven't gone for a diagnosis yet. Would it be okay for you to talk about how you knew?

For me there are things that...fit really well, that hit very close to home, but others not so, so Im not sure if whatever it is that I've got (because clearly, something is there.) I'm not very sure if the autistic spectrum can be so wide as for me to be included in it.

Any tips?

Of course, happy to help.

For me there were three kind of bigger indicators.

First, and after discussing this one with my therapist, it seems to be very consistent across autistic people: I've always felt different. Like I knew that I was at the very least slightly off in comparison to other people. (Please excuse the phrasing, I couldn't think of another way to put it properly).

Second, linked with the first: I have always experienced this thing I like to describe as 'not feeling like a real person'. All that really means is that I see the way other people are out laughing boldly with friends or joking or just straight up experiencing the world, and I think "man, I wish I could be a real person." And it always made me sad because I was consciously realising that I cannot and do not experience the world in the same way most neurotypical people do. It was just this huge feeling of otherness. (My therapist indicated that this is very common)

Third: masking. Now, this one made me feel bad for a really long time because I had no clue what was going on until my ex-girlfriend was like "oh, yeah, that's masking." For me, one of the biggest ways I mask is to copy mannerisms and speech patterns of people I'm around. I do it the most when I really like someone (friend like or romantically) or when a person makes me so extremely uncomfortable that I guess my brain is like "you need to mimic them for safety reasons." The reason this one bothered me so much is that I always felt like I just couldn't have my own personality, why was I always copying other people, surely they've all noticed and think I'm a fucking weirdo. It was very upsetting until I learned it was masking. Finding that out has helped me to accept it when I do it, even though I am trying to mask less.

So, those are the big three. There are lots of other minor things. I have ocd, which very commonly goes hand in hand with Autism. I got that need for rigid schedule and following the same patterns almost daily (slight variations are okay, but people planning stuff and not telling me when I've already set up my personal schedule for the day in my head, big no no). I eat the same foods on repeat and have an extremely difficult time changing it up. When I like food or dislike it, the primary reason is texture. (My fiance actually pointed this one out. Apparently I talk about the texture of food a ton).

I'm sure you've probably come across information about the emotionality of Autistic people. The common trope is that we are very emotionless. However, thats not accurate at all. There are two main big categories of where we can fall: tending to not feel emotions very strongly (the trope), and feeling emotions very intensely, more intensely than neurotypical society says is appropriate 🙄. I fall into this category, and I hate it because I have spent so much time trying to just not feel my emotions because they are so intense and my expression of them is 'inappropriate' that it has caused a great many mental health issues for me. So the eye roll face is because I think that the appropriate expression of emotion dictated by most of society is stupid. Along with this one, I have a hard time verbalizing and verbally identifying how I am feeling. As a result, I tend to just tell people I am upset. My therapist says this is somewhat common amongst Autistic individuals. I cannot recall the reasoning she gave for it being common, but I am including it because it was brought up in the process of discussing all this.

I also have this huge tendency to overexplain my reasons for things I've done or said because I do not want to be misunderstood/I have experienced misunderstanding so many times that I learned to do this at some point (I consider this to be part of my masking). This one seems to be pretty common, at least from tiktok. I've seen a lot of Autistic people on tiktok mention it.

Side note in relation to this but still relevant to the post imo, I hate that society tends to think you are lying the more detail you provide. I have a tendency to find all details absolutely vital. So when telling someone about what happened in a situation, I relay as much information as I can. Apparently, that means you are lying. It frustrates me a lot.

In that same vein, another thing my therapist said is fairly common: many Autistic people like to ask why continuously. Not as in just repeating "why," but rather that someone will say "I don't know" or provide an answer, but we often are still seeking a further reason. I've done this my entire life, and booooy does it aggravate people. For me it is just that I want to know the reasoning behind things. I want to know as much information as possible about the topic, and, as mentioned above, I tend to find every single detail absolutely important. That just leads to continuously asking why.

So another one for me, of which I am unsure the commonality: I have a very difficult time maintaining friendships unless I see someone most days of the week. I would say about 5 out of the 7 makes it the easiest for me, but it has worked out on less than that, rarely. The reason for this is that I forget to talk to people when I cannot physically see them. I mean, I just don't think about it for weeks on end. Then I will for a second, but won't message them because I'm doing something, and then forget about it again for ages. Part of this is that I prefer in person communication because I can try to read people's body language and facial expressions. The other part is tone of voice is more clear in person than via text. Now, this one bothered me when I was trying to figure out if I was autistic because it is common for Autistic people to not recognise facial cues and body language the same way as neurotypical people. Turns out, according to my testing results paperwork, i just have a higher ability to recognise facial expressions than most people diagnosed with autism spectrum disorder. So, I just vary a bit from the average.

Within this same vein is the commonly known 'eye contact issue'. The stereotype is that we cannot and do not make eye contact. This is so false. Many Autistic people do not make eye contact well, yes, but not all. For example, I do. I told one of my brothers I was getting tested for Autism and his response was, and I quote literally here, "I don't think you're Autistic because you make eye contact." What he didn't know is the reason why I make eye contact. I do it because I was taught repeatedly that it is how you show people you are listening. So, basically, I'm masking when I make eye contact because I'm solely doing it to show someone I am listening to them. In fact, 😆 I commonly am sitting there telling myself to make eye contact in order to indicate that I am present and interested in what the other person is saying. I also have a harder time masking this way when attempting to talk about things that are important and emotionally relevant to me. In therapy, I rarely make eye contact with my therapist because it is so difficult to talk about things in general that I cannot also make eye contact. Lastly, for this one, the more comfortable I am with someone, the less I make eye contact with them. My fiance, for example, not very common at all that I do it.

There is also the very common special interests phenomenon. The media tends to show this as a math or science thing, but it really isn't. I follow one tiktoker whose special interest is bugs and, I believe, art. I highly recommend her. Her handle is: soundoftheforest. For me, it's language/linguistics and ancient egypt, Greece and Rome. Really, I'd say ancient anywhere history, but those are the big three. Egypt has been my longest interest, besides language. I actually remember the moment I was like "this is it for life." I was 7 and had finished my library books but was bored at daycare. So I went to the book shelf and picked up a book about King Tut. It was the page I read about the day Howard Carter found the tomb. And I just knew me and Ancient Egypt were meant to be forever. As for language, I've literally always been fascinated by it. I started speaking very early and with more complex words than is usual. And I just continued to love language from there. I ended up studying ancient Greek and Latin in college. Also, I info dump about these all the time, almost anytime I possibly can because they're so fucking cool. 😁

Another side note, it is common for Autistic individuals to have delays in speaking, I just did not. It is not something required for the diagnosis. It is just very common.

This one is a little bit weird, and might just be a me thing, but I've discussed it with my therapist. She indicated that it very much aligns with Autism. I cannot, or can but with extreme apprehension and knowledge that I will leave depressed; I simply cannot go into buildings of certain lighting, age, and design. It seems to be buildings that look and/or feel like they were built in the 1960s or 1970s. We haven't really figured out why that is a thing, but it is. I once didn't bother to finish applying for a job to teach Latin that I'd basically been guaranteed so long as I sent in the app because when I went for the interview I saw the building and knew I could not teach there, even part time, because the building would depress me constantly. It's a weird one, but if you have anything at all where you just cannot do it because you know it will affect you like this, I'd bring it up in discussing potentially being Autistic.

I nearly forgot to mention this one, but you've probably heard about the sensory issues that many Autistic people deal with. I have some with touching things, but it is less common an issue for me than my sound sensitivity issues. I am very sensitive to sound. If I had to give a 4th big reason, this would be it because I get overstimulated and overwhelmed by sound multiple times a day. Its rough. If you also have this issue, I cannot recommend enough noise cancelling headphones and chew stim toys when you don't have your headphones. It's really helpful.

This last one I'm going to mention is something that I think I do just to help prevent burnout from masking, but is also part of me specifically. I am an introvert. So that plays a role in this. I spend the vast majority of my time completely by myself. I do mean even when at home with my fiance. We are often in different rooms. I have no problem with it. It doesn't feel like it is bad for our relationship, thankfully. I just prefer to be alone most of the time. The more time I spend around people, the more time afterwards I need alone. That is partially my introvertedness but also me needing to because I am socially exhausted from masking and trying to read all the social cues and not make weird errors when in social settings 😳, which I do a lot. I think I just default to spending time by myself when I am not required to engage with people in order to ensure that I can later. Plus, in discussing this one with my therapist, we concluded that I do this at least in part to prevent burnout and overstimulation.

As for the testing itself. I discussed this with my therapist for a while when waiting to get tested, and by the time I did get tested, I had a nice long list of stuff to bring up. I would definitely recommend compiling a list of the symptoms/signs you feel are indicative for yourself. It was very quick after I first brought it up in therapy that I decided I needed the official diagnosis for myself. So my therapist gave me recommendations of who to see. I also looked myself because the recommended people were so booked they couldn't even schedule further out. Once I got it scheduled, I had to wait like 3 months for the appointments. So, if you are seeking the official diagnosis, don't give up because it's a long wait. From what I've seen others saying, it's pretty common to have to wait a bit to be seen.

There were 3 appointments, an intake, a testing, and a feedback appointment. The intake appointment involved me talking to the doctor about my experiences and why I thought I might be autistic. She asked me a few questions about the more commonly known signs of autism if I did not mention them. The testing appointment took about 4 hours and involved a self report personality assessment, several verbal and memory activities, a teaching activity, two story telling/creating activities, and (the part I thought was most difficult) an activity in which I had to identify the emotion being expressed by just the eye and eyebrow area of black and white photos of people. I also had a take home assessment for someone who knew me really well. It was related to executive functioning abilities and emotional regulation abilities. I cannot speak on the feedback appointment because of technical issues resulting in not actually having that appointment. I have rescheduled it and will be doing that later this month.

If you have anything more specific you want to ask me about, please do. I am happy to answer.

[demonofthelight]

Life stories: Simon Clarke

Joanne (presenter): What keeps you awake at night, like what do you regret the most?

Simon: I don't know if I regret anything because everything teaches you something. Everything we go through is a lesson in life.

Joanne: That's the diplomatic response. What's the real response? If you could change something what would be?

Simon: There's this girl, anyone that listens to this podcast regularly probably knows all about her. Well, I can't regret us ending, because she's getting married in, what's the date? She's getting married in less than a month and she's meant to be happy so I don't regret us ending. I regret being so unimportant in her eyes that we don't still speak. I regret that, more than anything. I don't know if she was the 'one' but she was a friend. A friend I will forever adore.

Joanne: Does that keep you awake at night.

Simon: I wouldn't go that far but there are days I wonder about her.

Joanne: If she was watching this show, what would you say to her?

Simon: I'm sorry I never made her happy and I'm sorry she felt pressured by me. There's this story where a mutual friend once told me, this girl who I don't want to name Joanne, I really don't. You've shown pictures there but she doesn't look the same anymore not even the same coloured hair. Anyway this mutual friend told me she 'hates me for bringing her up'. Honestly, I'm sick of talking about it but I was always taught there's no taboo subject.

Joanne: Do you wish you two stayed in touch?

Simon: Mixed. (looking uncomfortable and shifting) I wish we never drifted so apart into two different circles but the circle she mixes in aren't compatible with the circle I drift in. I don't want to sound like an arrogant asshole. I mean it's nothing to do with superiority or a god complex. The circles I drift in are quite intellectual. Political debates, university alumina, professional jobs, e-sports. The circles she drifts in are more materialistic or hobby orientated. Motorbikes, sports etc. I mean some of those people think I'm literally the worst thing to happen to her, while some of the people in my circle find those who can't debate infuriating. The reality is the person she is now and the person I am now are completely different.

Joanne: Moving on to the death of your mom. Can you remember the day you found out?

Simon: Like it was yesterday. I got woke up in the morning while the paramedics were in my kitchen. I got told that my mom had died in her sleep and as you can imagine my father was in bits. I didn't know how to process it initially so I stayed in my room for about an hour. As time passed, I just wanted to be hugged and told I wasn't as alone as I felt.

Joanne: I'm sure your sisters and brother were by your side.

Simon: Of course, but they were trying to come to grips with it too. To be entirely honest, I reached out to a friend the following day or within the next few days. It became a blur that week but I remember distinctly that the one female who I loved and depended on to that level other than my mother was my ex. I spent the time up until the funeral genuinely believing she would pop over and check up on me even after we broke up on bad terms.

Joanne: How did your friend react , how did they support you?

Simon: As we've touched on, I was a loner in school. Until near the end of high school, I was a bullied shy kid. I didn't have any true friends. But this moment, this terrible event, Matthew made me realise I would never have to go through a travesty alone. He took time out to go for a drink with me during that week and he took the day off work to go to my mom's funeral. He's a complete atheist. He think's my philosophy on the afterlife is closer to Stephen King than history textbooks but he literally walked probably a few miles to and from the funeral just to show his support. I've never told him how much that meant to me. But I'd like to think he just knows.

Joanne: I'm sure he wasn't the only friend over that time?

Simon: No, I have another fantastic friend called Andrew. I had a very bitter falling out over him trying to get me support and honestly anyone else would have knocked me out for the abuse I gave him over it. He just laughed it off. One of two friends that I can depend on, hopefully and as far as I'm concerned the rest of my life.

Joanne: You mentioned the girl again (picture of 2011 as a couple goes on screen), her family is your neighbour right so they knew about what happened with your mom but didn't she text you or call in?

Simon: Her parents lived opposite the street, but she never asked or showed concern on my wellbeing. I have no entitlement of that care. It's her right to feel or act in any legal way she wishes. I'll respect her freedom to do that for as long as I can.

Joanne: How does that make you feel?

Simon: It made me realise our perspectives on the 18 months we were in a relationship were different. For me, it was a fantastic period and I imagine for her it's best to forget it.

Joanne: Does that bother you?

Simon: Should it? People change, circumstances change. Can we move on?

Joanne: OK. We'll go to a break... Welcome back. I'd like to talk about university and is it true that you were warned before you enrolled?

Simon: As a 18 year old child. I made a stupid comment about a friend publicly on Facebook. My friend found it hilarious and it's the sort of dark humour we say to each other over voice chat and in person but someone twisted what I said to imply someone who died in my local area. Well implied the post was about them. I never met and couldn't care less about them. I apologised and thought that was the end of it but a formal police report was filed and the individuals informed my university who at this point had just provided me with an offer to enrol that I accepted. I mean top business college diploma in the county, they ripped the hands off for me. So that was interesting. The university was great about it. The police were as incompetent as you can imagine but it did teach me that don't say anything on social media that can't be literally taken. Like this will go up on YouTube and Tumblr. So anything I say can be proved.

Joanne: How did you emotionally react to this event, where what you said was taken out of context?

Simon: Betrayed by others but I was stupid and naiive. You can't be those things especially as a successful businessman. At this time a lot of falsehoods and rumours came around ranging from me being a drug addict to committing sexual assault. It was obvious at this point those who had ever had a conversation with me knew that I had traditional moral values so the accusations were as ridiculous as they sound. Childish rumours spread to squash what I had to say. My friends just ignored them, and the people the bullshit influenced were better off not in my life anyway.

Joanne: I've only met you twice and you're quite outspoken about some controversial subjects but its obvious to me morally your the other way. Severely punish criminals, probably too far in my opinion.

Simon: I agree, my opinions can be quite controversial but I'm as against illegal drugs as I love a cup of tea. Even my critics would tell you that.

Joanne: You've gone from a social media account with 50000 followers overall to less than a tenth of the size. Why do you think this is and does it bother you?

Simon: I used to be a depressing blogger with poems, and writing that was soul crushing but honest about my thoughts or feelings about myself. I then started to feel less lost so naturally started writing about facts not emotions. Politics was always a topic I found fascinating. I've always been debating since I can remember. I get off on a debate, which is why it's hilarious to mock those that call you names because they can't debate the facts of the topic. I started looking at things like the wage gap and white privilege economically and they don't hold up to the scrutiny expected in academic work. They just don't. Those that believe either of those things are either stupid or lied too.

Joanne: I don't want to go down the rabbit hole of politics because it's become who you are but if I can, I want to touch on 'getting off' of those that call you names in other words 'Trolls' can you elaborate on that?

Simon: I'll give you an example. I'm quite camp just look at what I'm wearing so I got an anon message on Tumblr once that read 'you are a gay homophobic sexist Nazi that should just kill yourself'. How hilarious is the stupidity of that statement. If I was gay, I couldn't be homophobic and gay people aren't allowed to be a Nazi. It shows the idiocy of these people that are probably children.

Joanne: Does these kind of hate messages matter to you?

Simon: Of course it matters, everybody wants to be liked. Those that claim otherwise are lying. But the opinions of people I've never met who are so ashamed of themselves they hide through anonymous, do not matter to me. The opinions of friends and parents of friends matter to me.

Joanne: You once said you were 'bad with women'.

Simon: Oh God, yea. I really wish I hadn't had said that. It was on an emotional post at 3am. It was a spur of the moment thought. I don't think I'm naturally bad with women but I am a marmite figure. I'm not universally liked. Most people I meet are probably intimidated by me. I think the women that I find attractive clearly don't normally find me attractive.

Joanne: Why is that? What type of women do you find attractive?

Simon: I'm probably a 6 out of ten, if I could lose the acne probably a good 7. I tend to fall for either the tall slim blonde or the short petite unique person. I'm quite simple like that. Then if they are able to debate or disagree with me brilliantly, I just adore them.

Joanne: (laughs) So you see yourself as just above average?

Simon: In looks, I do. In style, I'm quite unique and some people hate that I stand out. In personality, I am extremely demanding but I also expect that from myself.

Joanne: Do you ever think about children?

Simon: I did. I thought about marriage and kids but I've only ever found three people in 21 years that I could see having a life with. I do think about children's names though, I have top three for both genders. For a boy: Constantine, Excalibur or Arthur. For a girl: Katherine, Kate or Kathleen.

Joanne: Do you think it's fair when some people refer to you as egotistical, arrogant or psychotic?

Simon: It's no business of mine what other's perceive me to be. I can only concentrate on who I am and I'm none of those things.

Joanne: Do you like being the centre of attention with someone claiming you 'have to be seen to be the most overdressed person because you need the attention?

Simon: I don't mind it, but I don't actively pursue it. I don't really mind whether someone outshines me. I love a challenge and I think demanding the best from myself constantly while can be quite exhausting to see, is who I am whether that's monopoly, gaming or dressing.