#oh! i cant remember if i said this but i actually saw a coworker at the con. we're in different depts so i dont think she knows me well

[killjoy-prince]

aaaaaaaaaaaa my legs are sooooo sore

[causenessus]

good morning, evening or afternoon my loveliness!! how’s your day been? have you eaten? MAKE SURE U EAT !! today i just had pasta in the morning like i literally JUST got off work and i was like okay okay time to reply to my dearest ness(ill probably have pasta again)(like ill be eating in between writing this LOL) but OH MY GOD MY JAW DROPPED WHEN I SAW HOW LONG MY LAST ASK WAS LIKE IM LITERALLY I YAPPED SO MUCH IM SO SO SORRY LOL i was like i genuinely went😧(AND THATS EVEN IN THE SMALL FONT!!)(deepest apologies to anyone who had to scroll pass that)

OFC I NOTICE THINGS ABOUT U !! i think it’s like a like my mind mentally notes the things you say and i kind of catch onto your mannerisms?(IS THAT WEIRD??)(like in a GOOD WAY ofc) and i just kind of recognize the way you write !! like i feel like if the roles were reversed i would 100% be able to tell who you are by the way you write(IN A GOOD WAY ALWAYS IN A GOOD WAY)(all love for my one and only always always) also yeah! i don’t live in the states but i think our timezones are the same or like one hour apart so I TOTALLY GET IT the assumption is valid! DONT APOLOGIZE AT ALL i would’ve done the exact same thing or honestly if someone said “i have the same time zone as you” i would probably be like omg stop they’re my neighbour LMAOO

THE RESTAURANT CHAOS SEEMS SO REAL like i’ve never worked in a restaurant so i can’t really imagine the environment but hearing the experience from you and my friend who works at olive garden i’m like… maybe i SHOULDNT complain about my retail job LOL LIKE IT SEEMS SO CHAOTIC? but that’s so true!!(sorry you probably have no idea what i’m talking about) LIKE I HAVE BETTER THINGS TO DO THAN MAKING SURE THE CUSTOMER IS OKAY like ill be running around the store holding like pounds of clothing and ill have a customer come up to me like “erm do you have this in the back?” LIKE MA’AM RESPECTFULLY NO IM SORRY CAN YOU TALK TO ME WHEN IM NOT BUSY but i CANT say that so i just end up saying “im sorry whatever we have out here is all we have :)” then i scurry away like IM JUST A GIRL?? also also idk if this is a common thing too but lets talk about some of the WEIRDOS at work right so i know im 18 now but when i was a minor i had some weird interactions with MEN(let me just give you a little description of mango anon right so im like 5’1 and i have a baby face like “going into places saying i’m 13 for it to be cheaper” type of baby face)(but this is when i was like 16 i don’t think that trick will work anymore LOL) but tell me why i had GROWN MEN come up to me USING MY NAME(curse name tags) be weird? like i had this one guy literally tell ME(I WAS 16 OR 17 DURING THIS) “you’d make a good housewife!” when i was folding his clothes and at first i was like yo okay that’s a bit weird but then he was like “how old do you have to be to work here?” THEN i was like okay okay that’s personal information! so i was just like “oh haha idk” like awkwardly and he’s like “so do you have to be over 18 to work here” and i was like SIR okay your total is $18.67 how would you like to pay today! anyways it was weird, my other coworkers also had a lot of weird interactions so like one of my coworkers who was older than me just told me to not wear my name tag like our managers won’t make a huge deal out of it and whatever so yeah that was that, lesson of the day! don’t be a weirdo!

also i swear run and props is like favourite for tech theatre WHICH I GET like when i was in high school a lot of people liked being in run and prop because idk they like the big role or something?? i think also costumes and makeup was also pretty popular but like i remember one time the director flipped a switch on us because like the makeup crew was actually people from our cosmetology class and they would like fool around A LOT like they did the makeup but they would be like yapping a lot so one day my director was like IF UR NOT GONNA DO UR JOB THEN WE’LL HAVE SOMEONE ELSE DO IT !! and then everyone was like oohh okayyy(we got yelled at A LOT tbh for little silly things)(tech theatre ptsd ill tell u) and omg the kid who wanted your light job like CALM DOWN(i am now too spiteful against them)(i will hire the etsy witch to curse them for you) like i swear i’ve met some of the worse people in tech and its CRAZY like the ratio of normal people to absolute arrogant weirdos is CRAZY(ill be generous and say 1:3)and literally yeah like i didn’t want to continue with tech because of the toxic environment like i literally CAN NOT, i know people in uni would be a little more mature and like take tech more seriously but i STILL CANT LIKE there will always be that one person that will ruin it for everyone so i had to blow out the torch and unfortunately say goodbye to theatre </3 UNLESS ONE DAY IN THE FUTURE I HEAR YOU DROP THAT YOURE GONNA BE WORKING AT A THEATRE i’ll literally buy my plane tickets and sign up to be sounds and go be with you like YOU WILL MAKE IT BEARABLE and we’ll literally be the ultimate lights and sound duo like no one can compete idc if the other person has more years of experience than me I WILL STILL SQUEEZE MYSELF IN !! ALSO OMG IN MY THEATRE DAYS (in my good old days) literally most of the people who did take it serious were WOMEN like we are tech mothers!! we are women in STEM!! the majority of people who got on my nerves were men(i apologize to any men reading this)(but unfortunately it is the truth for me </3) ALSO PLS ITS SO FUNNY HOW YOU HAVE AN ICK FOR EVERY GUY YOU USED TO LIKE (i 100% get it) i love hearing about it too LOL ALSO THAT DYNAMIC OF STAGE MANAGER READER AND LIGHTS HEAD SUNA?? i can literally imagine suna being so silly and teasing while the reader has to take it seriously since yk.. it’s her job LIKE ITS LITERALLY LIKE MANAGER READER X SUNA BUT THEATRE-IZED (if that makes sense) also PLS DONT WORRY!! u have so much stuff lined up like take your time and don’t worry! at the end of the day everyone should be thankful that you’re even here sharing your amazing talents with everyone <33

also oh. my. god. if i heard someone say “ITS UP TO ME TO SAVE THE SHOW” i think i would die on spot like id stare at them in genuine disbelief and be like.. alright… alright everyone pack it up our HERO is here to save us like ?? omg and i literally had the same experience right so we were doing the shirley holmes play right and our lead just would not SPEAK UP LIKE ill admit. their acting was pretty good and stage presence was good but WHY CANT YOU SPEAK UP??? like literally so many times i had to like try to read her lips because i literally could not like it was so frustrating, and i couldn’t even be mad at her because she was good EXCEPT FOR THE FACT THAT SHE COULDNT PROJECT and yk why yk why she was like “im saving my voice for show night” like… excuse me… EXCUSE ME?? (anyways i have a lot of old rage from tech)(this is why i quit!!!)

ONLINE GROUPS ARE SO FUNNY LIKE I SWEAR ITS THE SAME LINEUP LIKE the oldest which formed the group, we have the middle area then the random minors who are like 10 years younger than everyone LOL but socks if you read this im so sorry </333 idk if i liked you back i was like 15 at the time but i promise you i wasn’t ghosting you </333 i was just trying to see what you said I DIDN’T MEAN IT !! ALSO DONT WORRY ABT UR TANGENTS BCUZ ME TOO i literally ramble and yap so much sometimes im ASTONISHED LMAOO

ALSO IM GONNA GO BACK MEMORY LANE FOR A SECOND BCUZ THAT ANON THAT ASKED YOU ABT THE ORIGINAL LOVENOTES STORY AWAKENED SOMETHING IN ME so i remember the first ever ask i sent in was when you were first making love notes like the intros were out already and everything and you were talking about how like having suga in the storyline was kinda messing you up a little bit and you were saying how you were second guessing yourself on it so i sent in a little anon ask(I CANT REMEMBER PROPERLY BUT) saying basically “hey !! you can still change the storyline because it is ur story !! just write what you’re comfortable with” SOMETHING LIKE THAT and u were literally so sweet and then that’s when you changed it and i was like omg ness is literally so sweet what then a few days later i sent in just a small like “hi ness how are you ! did you eat yet?” (i think those were my exact words i actually don’t remember) AND YOU WERE LITERALLY SO SWEET?? LIKE I ALMOST CRIED BCUZ LIKE you were like “tell me what you ate and how you are!” and i thought it was literally the sweetest thing ever so i made it my life obligation and role to make sure you were always taking care of yourself from now on like even if im busy i will always send a little “make sure to eat!! take care of urself!!” (i’ll literally be ur guardian angel from now on) i also think you put it in ur favourites and i literally MY HEART MELTED I WAS LIKE HHHHHH BUT YEAH anyways that’s the origins of mango anon LOL but anyways omg i yapped so much this took an hour to write (IM NOT COMPLAINING I JUST THINK ITS FUNNY)(but to be fair i ate between writing these) it’s so funny bcuz an hour passes by but i don’t feel like it’s an hour like i swear i black out and i just type type type and im like omg im done!!

ANYWAYS i hope you’ve had a good day today and that you’ve eaten well!! U DESERVE NOTHING BUT THE BEST make sure to take care of urself I APPRECIATE AND LOVE YOU VERY MUCH SO MAKE SURE YOU TAKE CARE OF URSELF!! always and always <333 xoxoxo

MY LOVELY MANGO ANON I MISSED U SM <3 HELLO I LOVE YOU SO MUCH MANGO ANON HELLO CAN U TELL I MISSED U (like it wasn't my own fault i haven't been able to open my inbox until just not BUT NONETHELESS I MISSED YOU </33 LIKE I WAS WORKING AND I WAS LIKE "i haven't seen anything from mango anon yet </3" BUT THAT'S NO PRESSURE ON YOU!! IK YOU WERE BUSY AND ALSO HAD THAT 9-5:30 SO I TOTALLY GET IT OKAY NOW I'M GOING TO GO BACK AND READ YOUR ASK!!!)

I HOPE YOU ATE AS WELL!! dw i've once again been eating my depression meal staple BUT TODAY my toast had almond butter on it bc i'm just really obsessed with almond butter <3 SO I THINK I ATE GOOD TODAY!! AND I HOPE YOUR PASTA WAS GOOD I LOVE YOU SO MUCH MANGO ANON AAA I MISSED U 😭 AND IT HASN'T EVEN BEEN A DAY OR ANYTHING SINCE WE TALKED BUT I JUST MISSED U PLEASE DON'T WORRY ABOUT LONG ASKS AT ALL!!! PEOPLE CAN DEAL WITH IT AND SCROLL PAST YOU ARE MY ONLY PRIORITY <3

and i totally get what you mean!! i catch onto a lot of people's mannerisms/habits as well and always remember like super small details they'll tell me about but i feel like i've never met anyone else who does that 😭 YOU AND ME BEING TWIN FLAMES AGAIN MANGO ANON I'M IN LOVE WITH U <3

AND PLEASE AS SOMEONE WHOSE WORKING IN THE RETAIL AND FOOD INDUSTRIES RN </3 THEY BOTH HAVE THEIR OWN PROBLEMS like yes men are weird 😔 i can't tell if i appreciate the fact that like 50% of the sushi chefs i work with have/have had a crush on me and the way they all stare 😭 or find it uncomfortable BC LIKE on one hand they are very nice!! and it hypes me up!! like most of them are just "aw you look like ur mother <3" since i work at that job with my mom (unfortunately) but then the one's who like me are like "do u want me to cut watermelon for u 👴" LIKE NO BRO GET AWAY 😭😭 AND LIKE FRFR THE TERRIFYING INTERACTIONS I HAVE WITH OLD MEN ESPECIALLY WHEN I WAS A MINOR???? THAT WAS NOT GOOD AND THE WAY MY JAW DROPPED READING YOU TALK ABOUT THE MAN THAT SAID YOU'D MAKE A GOOD HOUSEWIFE LIKE??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????? LITERALLY WHO SAYS THAT TO ANYONE AND EVEN MORE TO LIKE SOMEONE YOUNG WORKING A RETAIL JOB AND LIKE 50K MORE REASONS WHAT IN THE WORLD 🤮🤮🤮 it is literally horrible that like you have to not wear a nametag just to prevent those interactions 😭 but at the same time nametags suck!! and i never wear mine bc i just don't care LMAO

TECH THEATRE PTSD </33 IMO I ALWAYS THOUGHT RUN/PROPS WAS SUPER POPULAR JUST BC IT SEEMED LIKE THE EASIEST THING TO START IN IF THAT MAKES SENSE?? LIKE LIGHTS/SOUND ALWAYS SOUNDS INTIMIDATING AND FOR MY SCHOOL (going to stop talking in caps bc idk why i'm screaming all the time like for what?? calm down ness it's ok) we had like a SINGLE person on makeup (and so our tech director would do specials) and like just a few people for costumes. sound was usually like two people, lights was a bit bigger (unfortunately)(i HATE working with people)(except if i worked with u <3 i would be jumping for joy and my life would be sunshine and rainbows <3), but run and props was always the biggest. like i started there bc it seemed the least scary!! so i think that's a lot of other people's thought process too 😭 WE ALSO GOT YELLED AT A LOT FOR STUPID THINGS or i mean idk if it was stupid we kind of deserved it bc like theatre kids yap SO much but like my director during tech week would always be like "we must preach patience and kindness guys!! everyone is stressed during this week so please be patient with each other ❤" and then HE'D be the one to blow up like my freshman year when i got thrown into ASMing for our spring play backstage like someone on my side was talking and my director like LOST IT and came into the wing from behind me and started yelling at us and literally gave me a panic attack 😭😭 like i had to leave bc i could NOT breathe and luckily someone found me bc i was fully about to pass out LMAOAOAO AND THEN my junior year is when i started lights and so u probably get this but like yk lights and sound is always in a booth (which i think are always behind all the seats, right? or at least that's how it's been for every theatre i've gone to) and so our director lost it again bc someone was talking i think but since i'm in the booth we watch this middle aged bald man get up and go behind stage and we're all like "oh no."

like that rehearsal full on stopped everyone started hiding LMAO OUR PEOPLE WITH HEADSETS BACKSTAGE PUT DOWN THEIR MICS SO WE COULD HEAR WHO HE WAS YELLING AT but everyone in the booth went on lockdown like our spot op ran up to hide in the booth and then we locked the door and i hid on a speaker bc i was NOT getting yelled at again but then we resumed rehearsal and our director never came up so my stage manager next to me and me were like "oh thank goodness he didn't come yell at us" AND THEN HE POPPOED UP RIGHT OUTSIDE OUR BOOTH WINDOW AND I SCREAMED 😭😭😭 AND HE CAME IN AND THEN JUST WENT

"okay how's it going? what do you need from me?" i need you to LEAVE SIR MY SOUL JUST LEFT MY BODY

ANYWAY THE 1:3 RATIO IS SO GENEROUS LMAOOO there is so much toxicity there 😭😭 so i totally get it. when the theatre world comes crashing down u and i will make our comeback mango anon!! we'll go in as a fire lights and sound duo together and beat all the professionals despite only having high school experience LMAO

I ALSO HAVE A LOT OF OLD RAGE FROM TECH THAT'S WHY I'M STILL MAD AT THE KID WHO TRIED TO STEAL MY JOB 😭 i will never get over the "it's up to me" quote like literally i remember that and the RAGE THAT FILLS MY VEINS OMG anyway 🌸 "i'm saving my voice for show night" HELLO??? I BET SHE DIDN'T EVEN SPEAK UP DURING THE ACTUAL PERFORMANCES OR NOT THAT MUCH LOUDER AND LITERALLY LIKE IF UR VOICE IS THAT SENSITIVE GET OUT OR FIX IT OR SOMETHING IDK BUT LIKE U CANNOT DO THAT (i am with u completely on the still having old pent up rage as u can see)

ONLINE GROUPS ARE DEF FUNNY AND THE RANDOM MINORS BEING 10 YEARS YOUNGER THAN EVERYONE ELSE IS SO REAL 😭😭 pov 2020 when i was on a shifting discord server.....and there were people of all ages....what a time that was....i don't want to think about it anymore....

AND AAAA MEMORY LANE <333 I REMEMBER EACH AND EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THOSE ASKS BECAUSE I THOUGHT YOU WERE THE SWEETEST!!! like i could not tell you how much it meant to me to have someone checking in to make sure i ate bc that's just something super like ??????? sweet to me <3 like i felt so loved reading your asks AND I STILL DO!!!! TIME FLIES WHEN UR HAVING FUN!! (barf. never saying that agian. way too cliche. BUT YKWIM) I LOVE LOVE LOVE THESE LONG YAP SESSIONS!! THEY ARE MY FAVORITE THING EVER <3 I'M SO GLAD YOU DECIDED TO START SENDING IN MORE ASKS BC YOU HAVE LITERALLY CHANGED MY LIFE AND MADE ME SO HAPPY MANGO ANON I'M SO THANKFUL FOR YOU AND I LOVE YOU SO MUCH IF YOU COULDN'T TELL <333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333 (that's a lot of threes but i just spam threes as a way to get out pent up love/energy. it's like my way of stimming through the screen LMAO)

I HOPE YOU HAD A GOOD DAY!!! TODAY HAS BEEN AMAZING NOW THAT I'VE HEARD FROM YOU MANGO ANON MY LOVE MY FAVORITE PERSON EVER MY SOULMATE LOVE OF MY LIFE <33333333 you deserve the entire universe and more!!! you deserve a sky full of shooting stars and thousands of wishes and for all of them to come true <3 i love you sm mango anon!! please make sure to take care of yourself too or i'll simply have to book a ticket and fly to you and take care of you bc i'll gladly be ur housewife <3 🥰 IT WAS SO GOOD TO HEAR FROM U!! AND HAVE A LOVELY DAY TOMORROW AS WELL <3333

[chappedlipjournal]

Im tired but i need to type this out. Yesterday a guy at work asked me out (not a direct coworker but we do work for the same employer) and he did it by asking to hang out over our work im-ing software. Not the smoothest move. I did not reply bcuz i had to leave work on time to make my pt appt and i replied this morning with the help of my lovely lovely friends and now we are getting coffee on friday during a break which is fine. I held my boundaries and i feel good about that. My friends and myself keep reminding me that i dont owe him anything. I dont get asked out/hit on often, lumping them together despite them being different imo, because i have the same reaction each time. My relationship with my sexuality and my romantic orientation is complicated. Ive identified as ace for almost a decade now (wow!) But romance has always been a struggle and here lately ive circled back to the term aromantic but i still want that depe intimate connection with someone. I have a hard time figuring out if im romantically attracted to someone. I had crushes as a kid. One on a boy at daycare. Another on a boy in high school. And passing fancies of oh thats the kind of boy you have a crush on. And then nothing since. I dont think the crushes i had were disingenuous or faked. I look back on them fondly. But the last crush on a boy i had was when i was a freshman in high school. Then in college i met someone and i had an insanely difficult time telling if i had a crush on them but i dont think them leaving me resulted in a platonic reaction. But thats something i will never get closure for.

But whenever this happens i immediately jump to like twenty years in the future thinking would this person want to listen to taylor swift with me always and not get tired of eating pancakes every weekend and be alright with my schedule and routines etc etc and i cant ever picture the answer being yes? And like right now i dont know this guy. I know his name. I know he likes critical role. I know where he works. Thats it. Which is fine. But there are so many blanks and its overwhelming and slightly terrifying.

I almost always feel like ive been duped somehow. That i missed whatever they were putting down and picked it up by accident. I wasnt flirting with him. I wasnt trying to impress him. My coworker was asking if there was something that interested me in him when i saw him and i thought oh hes here to do his job. And she laughed and i knew i failed that test. But i dont know why.

This is all much further complicated by the fact that i really do think im autistic. I dont think i have neurotypical views of these things. And i wonder if he/someone would be okay with what that actually means. If they dont mind the stimming. If they dont mind my routines. If they dont mind my echolalia. And again i cant picture the answer being yes. And i wonder if how i view romance and relationships and everything else is more influenced by autism than anything else.

Ive been listening to taylor swift and ive realized ive never really felt the way she describes in any of her songs. Ever. And i know they are dramatized and romanticized and everything else. But so are all love songs.

I did go on a date with a guy when I was in England several years ago. We were touring the oxford, i think, castle which was not a castle anymore. And we started talking and he asked me to dinner and i said yes because i was flattered. But i was like 20 and he was like 28 and i was like oh we are in wildly different stages in life and i never spoke to him again. I dont remember his name.

And i am flattered when i am asked out. But i also feel guilty. And caught off guard. And wide eyed like a deer in the headlights. I become hyper aware that people are interpreting my actions and words andaybe picking up things i am not intending to put out.

When i was in jr high i got asked to the dances and i said yes to one and i think no to the other. A boy i rode the bus with every day for years asked me to the dance and i said yes because i felt bad saying no. And he asked me because i was nice to him. I think i said no to the other boy. But i dont remember. Im sure he does. But i know he asked me because i was nice to him.

I cant tell how much of these thoughts are queer thoughts, how much may be autism, how much is just me. Either way i have no idea what i am going to tell this man when we get coffee. And i know i dont have to tell him anything. I dont think i will feel better until its over with.

[therealpussybangs]

When you find out the Haikyuu boys cheated.. Pt. 2

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Starring:    Timeskip!Aone, Goshiki, Kita, Lev                                                          

A/N- Tw: Cheating, crying, yelling, fighting, mentions of sexual-    intercourse, swearing, please let me know if i missed anything!!  

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Aone-

                Today was supposed to be your 4th year anniversary with your amazing boyfriend Aone. However, that date idea had quickly turned to shit when you see your boyfriend at a booth with some other chick.

You didn’t want to jump to conclusions, because you were exceptionally early to this date, so you walk over, hoping it was a sister or some other relative. 

But when you finally made it over to the table, your boyfriend looked like he had seen a ghost. Pale, scared, and he looked sick. The thing that hurt the most was the guilt swimming in his eyes. Eyes that were once only for you. Eyes that were always warm and welcoming, the eyes that felt like home. His once beautiful and bright eyes were now dulled, guilty and scared.

Aone felt like he couldn’t move. He was stuck in his chair when he saw you. 

‘Our date isn’t for another 20 minutes... how could this happen...?’ He thinks to himself. Then he remembers what you had said earlier about being early for the special today. He curses under his breath and opens his mouth to make excuses, but that’s when he hears a sniffle.

He reluctantly looks up to see you crying, and swiping at your eyes wildly. His heart shatters and sinks to the floor and he immediately knows he shouldn’t lie, it’ll only make it worse.

“Baby i’m so sorry....” He looks down, not ready to hear your reply.                     “Was i not good enough..? What should I have done differently..?” You say in a small, hurt voice.

“No! I-” He was cut off by the other girl sitting in front of him.

“Bubs who’s this ugly little girl? She a friend of yours? Or what..she kinda smells a little..” She says in a squeaky, bratty voice.

“Oh, haha; i’m actually his soon to be ex-girlfriend! So nice to meet you!! And so nice to leave you ‘bubs’!” You say with a fake smile, and filled with sarcasm. 

“Babe- do-” Aone started quietly, he always was so quiet and reserved. But he seemed so talkative with this new girl....

“By Aone! Bye bitch I don’t know!” You say oh so confidently, until you go to itch your eyes. ‘oh... tears..’ You began to cry harder as you realize you just left the one thing you loved most.

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Goshiki-

 You and Tsutomu had been pretty distant after a fight you two had, and you wanted to go over and apologize to him because you realized you were in the wrong. 

However, what you did not expect was to see another car parked outside of your shared home.

This fight you both had was because of some silly coworker jokingly hitting on you. You had known this person since you were little, so it was nothing new. They were also fully aware of the fact that you were in a committed relationship with Tsutomu. 

So, who could be at his house? Was he really hurt enough to call a friend or relative for help/advice? Now you felt really bad, so you quickly make your way up the steps to your shared home and push past the door. 

What you did not expect to hear, were muffled whimpers and Goshiki’s smooth, calming voice. ‘Wh-what?’ You think maybe it was something else, maybe it was Goshiki whimpering and sniffling and someone else sweet talking him. But once you walk into your bedroom....you shut down.

“B..baby,,?” You ask, voice small. You were shaking and trying your best to keep your cool and hold back the tears threatening to spill. “Whats going on..?”

Goshiki immediately whips his head around from where it was buried between someone elses thighs. But when he sees your hurt eyes and sad features guilt pools at the bottom of his stomach. He was with someone else, on your shared bed, in your shared home. This realization suddenly hit him like a brick, and he immediately shot straight up. “I-I can explain!!” 

“Explain what? The fact you were pleasuring some random whore on our bed?? What else is there to explain Tsut- Goshiki?” You yell back, the tears from before finally breaking the barrier and streaming down your face.

Goshiki just stood there, shaken up and regretful, not daring to say a word, knowing it will make things worse. But you persisted and asked him again why he did it and he started to get annoyed with your yelling. “I was angry with your stupid fucking co-worker for flirting with you and smacking your ass and always eating lunch with you!! I wanted you to know how it felt!!” He yelled back, without thinking. Bad idea.

You were speechless to say the least. He did not just compare cheating to harmless banter between friends...did he? He didn’t just call your absolute bestfriend stupid...did he?

“Get out. Both of you.” You say, your tone stone cold.

“What..” Your ex says, his voice small and shaky, almost as if it was any louder it would shatter you.

“GET OUT!! NOW!!” You say, now yelling as warm, fat tears stream down your face. You were furious, deflated, tired, and so, so done. You thought you were going to be sick. You had trusted him, and here he was, with a beautiful woman, probably 10x better than you. And to think you were going to apologize to him.

“Baby... we can fix this! right? Move forward!” He says, not so confident or angry this time.

“What, so you can go off with some other bitch as soon as the going gets tough again? No. We’re over. Goodbye Goshiki, please don’t try to contact me, i’ll have someone come get my stuff.”

And with that, you slammed the door and walked out of the place you one called home. 

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Kita-

Kita was a simple man. He wanted 2 things in life: A family with you, and his rice fields to do well.

However he did not take it very well when you said you were not ready for a family, and he stormed out on you. That night you cried yourself to sleep, thinking about how you could be better.

The past month and a half, you and Kita have been pretty distant, and you have been preparing yourself for a family in any way you can. For example: Finishing the last of your extra studies, learning how to make extra delicious meals, even though Kita wasn’t ever there to try them, and you even started looking into parenting books. You just wanted to be the perfect wife for him.

So one day you waited for him to come home, ready to tell him the big news; you were ready to start a family. So when he finally got back, you told him!

“Babe! I think i’m ready for a family! With you!” You said happily and confidently. But when you saw his eyes widen in surprise, you didn’t expect them to also be oh so regretful.

“Y-you are..?” He asks, suddenly shaking. His stomach drops to the floor while his heart breaks simultaneously. You... you prepared yourself all on your own, just for him. And he knows he fucked up, getting some other girl pregnant, but he was so angry and sad he just.... it just... happened.

Just then, he gets a call, from the one person he really did not want to talk to. The other woman he got pregnant. He was so scared to pick up the phone, so you did. He froze. ‘No..! You cant pick that up...it will ruin us..’

“Hey! Shin! The baby just kicked! I hope its a girl.... Shin..?” The girl says on the other end, happy and excited.

“wh..what?” You say, confused. “Who are you..?”

“I’m his girlfriend! Who are you silly?” She says, still bubbly.

“I-” You start, and then hang up. It could not be. He did not get another woman pregnant, he was your baby, no one else...right? You slowly look over to Kita, hoping you didn’t just hear what you think you did.

He looks down, guilt and shame washing over his built figure.

“I’m so sorry... it wasn’t supposed to happen, but it did and I can’t just leave her by herself..” He says, voice gradually getting louder.

“So.. you couldn’t just wait a little longer huh...it’s okay, I hope you two will be happy.” You walked away after that, and just then was when Kita realized he was loosing you. He panicked, and reached out for your hand, but you were already gone, into the bedroom you both shared, presumably packing.

But it’s when he sees you walk out the door, tears streaming down your face, and sobs wracking you body, that reality finally shifted. You were leaving, and he was now responsible for a child that wasn’t yours. He was mortified to say  the least.

“Bye Shin, i’ll always love you y’know.. I hope your child is as beautiful as you.”

★ﾟ+.━━━…・‥★*ξ･(ｪ)･ Ҙ*★・‥…━━━ﾟ+.★★ﾟ+.━━━…・‥★*ξ･(ｪ)･ Ҙ*

Lev-

Today was your birthday! And you were so excited to spend it with your beanpole boyfriend! But he hadn’t answered your texts yet, and your calls either. You understood he had a photo-shoot, but it was over hours ago, even his manager didn’t know where he was. So you decided to check his snapmap because you were genuinely worried??

But when you saw his bitmoji at an unrecognized address, you freaked out and drove there immediately.

When you got there, his car was parked in the driveway, and the lights were on inside. You could also hear the faint hum of soft music. 

Lev was always so gentle with you, and he never raised hid voice or got angry with you. You loved that about him, how soft he was. When you guys first met, he was willing to take things slow, and wait until you were both comfortable with eachother. 

He was always so patient, or so you thought. You weren’t ready for anything intimate other than kissing, and he said he was okay with that. But horny men will be horny men. 

But you at least thought he could wait a little longer for you, his girlfriend of 11 months. At least those were the thoughts that flew through your head as you walked into the mystery house.

It was Lev, laid out on a bed with silk sheets, rose petals scattered everywhere, and Champaign on the nightstand next to him. 

Well, more like next to the other woman in bed with him, dressed in red lacy lingerie and pretty makeup. The candle-light makes them both look so majestic, well they would if they both didn’t have shocked/guilty expressions on their faces. 

Lev got up immediately and tried to grab your arm, but you shrugged him off.

“I trusted you, and I loved you, I still love you! But here you are, with another woman, on my birthday. Happy fucking birthday to me i guess.”

He stood there dumbfounded as you walked out, your confident facade breaking as tears slip down your rosy cheeks. Then, you drive away, knowing things will never be the same...

★ﾟ+.━━━…・‥★*ξ･(ｪ)･ Ҙ*★・‥…━━━ﾟ+.★★ﾟ+.━━━…・‥★*ξ･(ｪ)･ Ҙ*

Annnnnd it’s finally out! Not proofread i’m sorry </3 Kita’s hurt the most smh

ALSOOOO don’t forget you are fucking gorgeous and ilysm pls take care of your gorgeous self!

★ﾟ+.━━━…・‥★*ξ･(ｪ)･ Ҙ*★・‥…━━━ﾟ+.★★ﾟ+.━━━…・‥★*ξ･(ｪ)･ Ҙ*

[petri808]

1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13

*short chapter this week* for @inukag-week Firsts Prompt

When Mrs. Higurashi heard the sound of the front door open and close, she left the kitchen knowing her daughter would be home around that time. “How was the party Kagome…” She instantly paused once she saw the woman’s bleary red eyes and broken frown. “Kagome? What’s wrong?!”

“The party was great actually…” Kagome’s body slumped as she slid her purse down from her shoulder. “It was a lot of fun hanging out with everyone, I even had a few break throughs which was awesome… and that’s part of the problem… we um—” Tears started streaming down and her hands flew up to cover the sobbing that took over her body.

“Shhh,” Mrs. Higurashi immediately pulled her daughter into a hug. “Let’s sit on the couch and you tell me what happened.”

“Inuyasha a-and I had a f-fight in the car, and it was bad…”

Kagome continued to talk as her mother guided them to the living room, giving her a summarized version of the argument. Once the back of her legs touched the couch she dropped back onto it, unwilling to hold herself up any longer. There were too many pieces of the puzzle still out of reach, and it felt as if all the emotions behind those missing pieces were the reason she was as upset as she was. But that frustration only added to her muddled thoughts, and it was driving her crazy! She was exhausted from all the emotional turmoil.

“What triggered this?” Mrs. Higurashi prompted. “How about we start with that.”

Kagome let out a long exhale and gripped her fingers to her thighs. “A name, an ex-coworker was mentioned at the party, and it brought back a bad memory. This woman was friends with Inuyasha’s ex, and I remembered how they tried to attack me on a lunch break. It’s what got the woman fired from the company.”

“Oh… I remember you telling me about this. Yura, I think was the name.”

“Yeah…” Kagome sighed. “That’s the one. The doctor warned me emotional events will come back faster, but I don’t understand why I still can’t remember Kikyo. I mean, shouldn’t those memories come back faster since they were so upsetting?!” Her hands flailed in frustration. “I got mad at Inuyasha because he argued he wouldn’t have listened before, but really, how can I be so sure either since I can’t remember?! Maybe he would have, and I’d just assumed then, as I assumed today the opposite, which would make me the asshole… but I don’t think so… Ugh!” She buried her face in her hands. “All I know for sure is my heart is breaking…”

Mrs. Higurashi pulled her daughter close to rest against her shoulder and wrapped an arm around her body. “I don’t know why you still can’t remember Kikyo, but sometimes we lock away the most painful memories we have because it’s too hard to think about them. Amnesia or not, it’s a way we protect ourselves from the pain until we’re ready to face it.”

“You think so?”

“I do.” Mrs. Higurashi turned to face her daughter. “I’ve never talked about this before, but when your father died in the accident, I wanted to break down and never get up again. He was the love of my life, and I didn’t know if I could do this by myself. But… your brother was just a baby and you…” she placed a hand on Kagome’s cheek with a small smile. “I realized I had to pull myself together to take care of you two, so I locked those feelings away for years. I didn’t want bring us all down because I couldn’t cope.”

“Wow… I had no idea you’d been in so much pain. I mean I remember how hard it was, but you seemed so strong. Did you eventually deal with it?”

“Eventually.” Mrs. Higurashi smiled. “Watching my children grow up and seeing parts of him in both of you helped remind me he’ll always be with me so by the time I was ready to process his death, it wasn’t as hard anymore. It’s not exactly a similar example to what you’re going through, my point is just that our minds are capable of doing all kinds of things to protect us sometimes.”

“I guess that does make sense. Still doesn’t help me though if my heart feels broken.”

“I know,” Mrs. Higurashi hugged onto her daughter. “That probably has nothing to do with Kikyo.”

“I know…” The tears pooled once again in Kagome’s eyes. She knew it was all about Inuyasha.

“You love him.”

And there it was. Her mother knew it. She knew it. But she’d never said it out loud. “I love this Inuyasha,” the tears spilled at those words.

“But it feels new because for you it’s like it’s the first time.”

Again, her mother’s words echoed what Kagome didn’t want to admit to. But it was true. All these months of being with Inuyasha made her so happy. She couldn’t remember a time she’d ever fallen so hard for a guy before… Because in her broken mind, he, this really was the first time. “What am I gonna do mom?”

“The one thing you can’t do is run from it. It’s—”

At that moment, Kagome’s phone pinged with a text message, halting what her mother was saying. Although she had a feeling who it would be, she took the phone out of her purse to check it and sure enough, it was him.

Inuyasha: Im so so sorry Kagome. I was wrong. I shouldn’t have argued with you. You were right. I probably wouldn’t have listened, and I admit I behaved badly. Please forgive me! I cant live without you I love you more than anything else in this world and Im nothing without you.

“I just can’t—” Kagome dropped the phone back into her purse. “Not right now.”

“That’s okay. It’s okay to take some time to process everything, but eventually you will have to make a decision.”

“I know…”

“Oh, my dear girl, the first loves are the hardest to deal with, but you’ll get through this, I promise. He’s probably hurting just as much as you.”

“I know…” Kagome sighed again. “I do believe that.”

Another ping. Another sigh… But Kagome couldn’t stop herself from checking it.

Inuyasha: You’re mad at me. I get that so I’ll give you some space but I just wanna say good night Kagome. I love you -Inu

“I really don’t know what to do mom.”

Mrs. Higurashi wiped the remaining tears from her daughters cheeks. “You will. For now, let’s get you cleaned up. A good night’s rest is a start.”

[gardenia-angel]

Chapter One:

𝓙𝓾𝓼𝓽 𝓜𝔂 𝓛𝓾𝓬𝓴

(First chapter is a little longer than I planned oops! Sorry not sorry but please let me know what you think of the story so far in comments!)

‘God I wish I could go home.’ I thought to myself as I worked. Today I had an early morning shift, which meant I had to be up at 5 am. As a non-morning person that took a lot of effort and a lot of coffee to get me up. I mainly worked by myself so it was just me and my wandering thoughts during my 7 hour shift. My mind mainly focused on what I finished binge watching last night. The Umbrella Academy. I was shocked but also excited with the ending. Even though the thought of what happened to ghost Ben broke my heart, I still cant wait for what’s in store for season 3.

I began to wonder what it would be like to live a world such as the Hargreeves siblings. I thought it be way more exciting than my normal boring life.

My phone buzzed signaling that it was time for me to take my break. I didn’t realized how much time went by while I was daydreaming about my Umbrella Academy fantasy. As I entered the break room, I realized I was the only one with a break at the time. I sighed contently. I find it rather peaceful being alone all the time. It beats having to be in a cramped room with all your other obnoxious coworkers. My break was ending soon so I decided to leave the room and head over to the restroom. When I opened the break room door however, it wasn’t the store I worked in at all. I stared wide eyed into a blue vortex that was blowing air everywhere. I put my hands to my face trying to shield my eyes from the bright lights flashing when suddenly I felt my whole body being lifted up. Im not the type that screams when im scared, I’m the type that cant let out any noise when im truly frightened. So with a gasp, I was sucked right into the vortex.

I dropped down into an alleyway. I groaned as I laid on my stomach for a few moments as I tried to piece together what the hell just happened. For some weird reason my mind felt all fuzzy and I couldn’t exactly remember anything. I decided to get up now and take a look around. Stepping out of the alleyway I glanced around. I seemed to be in a downtown area with stores that looked..outdated? That’s really weird. I walked down the sidewalk until I stumbled upon a very familiar scene, although I couldn’t quite put my finger on it. I saw a boy in a school uniform sitting on a bench next to an older man in a suit. I watched from the side as the two talked. I started to get a bad feeling, like something was about to shift. Across the street I watched as a bus pulled up to a stop. In the back of my mind I could hear gunshots. I got goosebumps all of a sudden as I rushed to the boys side.

“Excuse me but you need to move right now!” I said to him while shaking his shoulder slightly. He looked at me in confusion and with a slight anger in his tone he asked “who the hell are you?!”

I shook my head. “Please you have to listen to me! Three men are about to get off that bus and start shooting at you!”

Just then, the three men did come off the bus. They began walking towards us.

“Who the hell are those guys?!” The boy said, trying to get a good look at them.

“Shit.” The older man said as he put something in the boys pocket.

“FIVE!” I shouted. In a matter of moments the men started shooting at us. The older man had shoved a briefcase in front of us and somehow the boy and I found ourselves behind a car. The briefcase now having bullet holes in it. “How many times did I say bulletproof briefcases.” The boy said in disappointment.

“I think I’m going to be sick..” I groaned as I held my stomach. Did we really just teleport from the bench to this car?! The sound of guns cocking and footsteps nearing us made the boy grab my hand and teleport us again. This time on a roof.

“Oh my god I’m going to throw up!” I groaned again. This time we were laying down on top of a roof. The boy quickly shushed me. “If you don’t shut up they’ll find us and kill us.”

The thought of being shot to death quickly made me stop complaining. He stuck his head up a little to see if the coast was clear. When it was, he grabbed my hand and teleported us both back down into the alleyway.

I ended up vomiting up a little bit. “Sorry about that, didn’t mean to make you sick but if I didn’t, well then you’d be dead.” His way of trying to comfort me did not comfort me in the slightest. “Thanks?” I said as I wiped my mouth and turned back to face him. “Who are you and how did you know that was going to happen before it happened and how do you know my name!?” He bombarded me with a whole lot of questions. I stared back at him in confusion as I stuttered trying to find the answer to these questions i truly did not know. His attention was then directed elsewhere. He looked towards a window in suspicion. “Hold that thought. I’ll be right back.” He said before heading towards a door into the back of a building. “Hey wait! Don’t leave me here.” I said before he teleported away inside. “Wait here my ass..” I mumbled before following him inside. Luckily the door was unlocked. I followed him up some stairs where he knocked on a door. The door next to the other one opened up and a man poked his head out. “What do you want?” The man asked suspiciously.

“Hi I’m selling encyclopedias for my youth group. I was wondering if you —“ The man shut his door without a word. Five then teleported into the mans home without a second thought.

“He really needs to stop doing that.” I said to myself as I tried to open the door. To no avail, it was locked. I sighed as I waited for them to open the door for me. I could hear the other man let out a small scream. They were talking some more until the boy finally came and opened the door for me. He teleported back into the other room where the man was. He jumped a little at how close the boy appeared to him.

“Listen to me I —“ The boy began.

“E-Elliot Elliot, m-my name is Elliot.” He said while backing up.

I looked around at all the newspapers and things plastered on the walls. Guess this guy is super into SciFi.

“Whatever, alright! I got 10 days to find them and save the world, and I’m gonna need your help to find them.”

I looked at him when he said that. Something about what he said rang a bell in my head. God why I can’t I remember anything clearly!

He turned to me. “And you? What’s your name?”

I shook my head solemnly and looked down at the ground. “I really wish I could tell you but I just can’t remember anything clearly.” I said truthfully.

“Well what was the last thing you do remember.” He said, this time his tone was more sympathetic.

“I remember being somewhere and..and opening a door, I think. The next thing I know is falling onto the pavement in that alleyway.”

“Hmm..” was all he said before taking a sip of coffee.

“I know I sound absolutely crazy but it’s true!”

“Well, my whole life is crazy so I understand” he sighed.

“I must’ve accidentally time traveled you too along with the rest of us.” He muttered before looking me up and down. “I can tell you’re from my time, your clothes don’t match the sixties fashion.”

My eyes widened. “Wait hold up..did you just say the sixties?!” I looked over at the other man. He waved at me but I just stared in disbelief. “Plus you also have a cellphone in your back pocket.” I reached down to my back pocket and pulled out my phone. “Oh shit maybe this could help me..” I tried pressing the home button but it wouldn’t turn on. “Just my luck, it’s dead. I doubt there’s a charger around here.” I said sadly as I put it back in my pocket.

“What I don’t understand is how you knew what was going to happen. Is that your power?” He asked nonchalantly. As if having powers is normal.

I knitted my brows is confusion. “My powers?! What are talking about, I don’t know! How do I even know your name? I’m not sure about that either Five!” I crossed my arms around my torso and held myself tightly. “It’s like I know you somehow..all of you. This all just seems so vaguely familiar.”

“You know my siblings names too?” Five asked.

“Yeah there’s..” I ondered on the thought for a few seconds before I could clearly say each of their names. “Diego, Vanya, Klaus, Allison, and Luther.” I said without a second hesitation.

Five looked up at you in curiosity. He’s never met anyone quite like you. Suddenly I got flashes of what seemed like memories. Of the brother Diego. He was in a hospital of sorts and he seemed to be sitting in a circle of patients, talking.

“I think I might be able to help you look for one of your brothers?” I said sounding more like I was asking a question.

Five nodded. “Where do we start?”

“I wanna say he’s in a sort of hospital or something. l don’t really know where for sure though.” I shrugged.

“She right actually!” Elliot chimed in. He went over to a desk drawer and pulled out a newspaper clipping. “Disturbed man with multiple knives arrested outside 1026 N. Beckley.” I read aloud.

“Diego.” Five muttered as we looked at the article. Five then took the paper from Elliot and put it in his pocket. “Let’s go, you’re gonna help me find all of them.” He said to me.

He began walking away towards the door, ready to start his mission.

“Woah woah woah! Hold on mister, what makes you think I should come with you? Have you forgotten about the three men that were shooting at us? There’s a fat chance that they’ll still be hunting us!”

Five turned back to me and shrugged. “They’re hunting me not us. They’re the Swedes as everyone would call them. They’re brothers and they work for my former employer at the Commission. I already know how to handle them. That won’t be our problem.”

“I don’t know Five. I might just slow you down. I’m a liability..”

He shrugged again. “Maybe you can actually fight, we don’t know that yet.” He smiled and I rolled my eyes. I decided to follow anyways.

“Key word Five, ‘yet’. And I don’t think I wanna know if we really do get in trouble.” I said as we walked out the door

In a short time we found the hospital Diego resided. So are we breaking him out of here or what’s the plan?” I asked as we went inside the large building. “I’m not entirely sure yet..” Five said.

Five talked to the front desk lady and she led us to a visiting room where we waited for them to bring Diego to us.

The orderlies led Diego in the room a few minutes later. “Five.” Diego stated as if he didn’t believe it was really him. He glanced at me as he sat down on the chair across from us but quickly put his attention back onto Five.

“Hey Diego.” Five replied back. All were quiet until Five broke the silence. “You look good in white.” He sarcastically remarked. Diego rolled his eyes. “About time you show up.”

“How’d you know I’d be back?” Five questioned.

“Because that’s the kind of shit you pull.” Diego said as if it were obvious.

“Where are the others?” Five asked.

“They’re not with you?” He said then glanced at me again. “And who’s this?” He said confused.

I smiled slightly and put my hand out to shake his. “Hi, I’m...well actually I don’t know who I am.” Diego shook my hand and gave me a skeptic look and turned back to Five.

“It’s a long story but basically when we teleported, I accidentally teleported her too. I don’t know how exactly, time travel is a roll of the dice. I haven’t exactly worked out all the quirks..” Five explained.

They went on talking to each other as I started to drift into my thoughts. Why am I here? What’s wrong with my memory? None of this is making sense. I don’t belong here. I need to find a way home. All Five seems to care about is this doomsday thing. It all just seems too unreal!

I was brought back to reality when I heard Five stand up and shout. “Guard! My brother here is plotting an escape. The bars in his room have been shaved down.”

In a matter of milliseconds Diego jumped up and pranced forward trying to strangle Five as the guards tried to hold him back. I quickly stood up trying not to get in the way. A nurse then came in and injected Diego with something causing him to knock out. Five tugged at my shoulder and leaned in to whisper something. “We’ll come back for him later.” He said and began walking away with me following right behind.

“How could you let them do that to your poor brother?” I said. He doesn’t look like he belongs in a nuthouse.

“Diego’s fine, he knows how to take care of himself. Like I said we’ll come back later.”

I sighed as we walked out the building. I gasped as a sudden flash of memories passed through my mind. I had to stand still afterwards. It had caused my head to start aching. “I need to sit down Five.” I said wearily. He led me over to a bench just outside the hospital entrance. “Did you just have another vision?” He asked with hope in his voice.

“Yeah Luther..” I groaned as I massaged my head.

“Well then let’s go.” He stood back up. Oh god how can he be so active all day and not rest for a minute?! I thought as I looked at him.

I made a tsk sound and shook my head. “No no no no, you can go find your other brother, I’m just going to stay right here.”

“What? Why!?” He frowned.

“Because Im tired Five! I can’t do this all day. I need to stop and think. It’s frustrating when you can’t remember shit!” I yelled and put head in my hands. Five looked down at me in sympathy. “I know it must be tough but don’t give up. I’m sure your memory will come back to you in time.”

“I sure hope so...” I said while looking back at him. “Which is why I think I should stay here. You said yourself you wanted to come back later on to get Diego anyways.” I said making a valid point.

“Hmm..I guess you’re right. You’re sure you’ll be fine here?”

“I’ll be good. There’s people all around here too so it’s not like the Swedes can just come up and shoot me.”

With that, I told Five the name of the Club Luther was at in my vision and he took off. Hours went by and soon it was night time. Five was nowhere to be seen. My memory didn’t come back yet either. I let out a huff as I waited on the bench. What do I do if Five doesn’t come back? I can’t break Diego out by myself. I can’t go back to Elliots because I don’t even know my way back. All I could was stay there. A few more hours went by and soon there were no more people walking about. I now started to regret not going with Five. It’s sketchy as hell out here by myself. Suddenly I saw a truck pull into the hospitals parking lot. It looked like a milk truck. Why the hell would a milk truck be here in the middle of the night? My question was answered when I saw the three men from earlier get out of the truck and load up their guns. I jumped off the bench and quickly tried to hide myself, scared that they were going to spot me. I watched as they made their way into the front doors. Shit they must be after Diego! What do I do? I don’t think I can fight. Five said Diego could take care of himself though. I trust that he can. My best bet is to try to make my way to Elliot’s home. I got up and began to walk away from the hospital.

It felt like I had been walking for a very long time with no final destination. I got myself lost. I ended up walking in a neighborhood. I could tell it was started to get very late because mostly all the house lights had turned off. As I turned down a street I saw flashing lights coming from the left of me. Police cars were surrounding someone’s house. They seemed to be arresting a man. I wondered what was going on. Before I could ponder on the thought any longer, something else caught my vision. I saw a fucking milk truck parked down the way. No way in hell thats them. The moment I saw the truck they seemed to have spotted me because the head lights turned on. “Fuck.” I said under my breathe and sprinted off down the street on my right. The car then began to chase me. I ran and ran as fast as my legs could take me. I tried to turn down every street I could so that I could loose them, but they always seemed to be on my tail. I made my way into a narrow alleyway. I took a right and then a left and then another left. To my surprise I had just lead myself into a dead end. “Just my luck..” I breathed out.

I turned to look to see if they were coming as I breathed heavily. All this anxiety wasn’t helping me catch my breathe. I looked around me to see if there was anything I could use to defend myself. Looking through a dumpster I luckily found a metal pipe. I held it up ready to swing at who ever tried to come near me. In the next few moments they came down the alleyway. With guns. How could I forget they had guns?! None the less I still remained calm with my metal pipe. As they approached me they saw that all I had to defend myself with was a metal pipe. They smirked and the one in the middle let out a small chuckle. The one in the middle that seemed to be like the leader put his gun away. The other two just lowered theirs. The leader made his way towards me. “Don’t you come any closer!” I yelled, tryingto sound mean but all I sounded like was scared. He went in for a swing but I dodged. I then went for a upper hand swing with the pipe but he quickly grabbed it. As if it were a reflex I picked up my leg and kicked him in the chest which caused him to fumble backwards. He looked taken aback for a quick second before resuming to fight me. How I had all these moves, I have no idea! I guess Five was right. Maybe I did know how to fight. Not good enough though. I went in with a high kick almost hitting his jaw but his reflexes were way faster than mine. He caught my foot before I could touch him and with the slightest effort he spun my whole body and I crashed onto the hard cement. I let out a groan and tried to crawl away to the wall to try and pick myself up. When I got to the wall the man turned me around as I stood there. I looked up at him with tears forming in my eyes. “Please don’t kill me..” I said in a hushed tone as I shook my head slightly. He looked at me with curiosity. His two brothers slowly approaching from behind him. He turned to look at the taller one and gave him a nod. I looked at them in confusion. What was their none spoken agreement?! Before I could think any longer the taller one turned his gun around and knocked me on the head causing me to pass out.

[eatsleepbreathefutbol]

Hi so I’m the previous anon who asked for the one where they all turn 30 friends episode. I was wondering if you could write another friends inspired episode? Sorry, it’s one of my favorite shows! Can the imagine be inspired from when Ross and Rachel end up breaking up because of the girl from xerox place for Mason Mount please? Thank you :)

Of course I can! I was just actually watching this episode earlier today. Don’t worry anon I watch too much of it.

Mason and you were not spending as much time as you normally did, your jobs were consuming the majority of your time and training for the Champions league was taking some of Mason’s time. Mason came home every day before you did, and he got tired of always having to wait hours for you to come home. He even went once to visit you at your office, and he saw you were talking with one of your men coworkers, he got very jealous and decided to storm out of there because he thought you were cheating on him. The boys had invited him to go out with them and of course he had said yes, since he was feeling ‘lonely’. He was drinking his feelings away, because he felt like he was loosing you, since he felt like you were being very distant, not wanting to understanding that work was consuming your time. At this point he was on the borderline of tipsy and drunk, just remembering the events that have been happening recently. Tammy, Christian and Reece were trying to get him to drink water so that he wouldn’t do something he would regret later. He went out to the dance floor, and he swore had seen a girl that looked exactly like you. He even thought for a moment you had stalked his location and came to apologize for his current relationship with his cellphone since you were hardly around. He went up to the girl that looked exactly like you with confidence wanting to say how he really felt, the boys lost track of Mason. They thought he had gone to bathroom, they tried anything they could to try find him. Tammy ended up finding him snogging a random girl, who seemed to enjoy that she was making out with a famous player. Tammy was gathering all the lads so they could go home after Mason was at the point of drunk where he would commit the worst mistake of his life, cheating on Y/N. The mistake Tammy made was leaving him outside to get some air instead of leaving someone on Mason watch. The girl he snogged earlier happened to walk out while Mason was alone, the only good thing was that the paps weren’t around snapping pictures of the interaction to plaster it all over the papers. The girl, Madison, and Mason ended up leaving to go back to her place because she said she had a ‘cure’ to his problem. Mason didn’t think twice before saying yes, because he was still convinced that she was you. When they made it back to Madison’s place, he started realizing this wasn’t his apartment and that Madison was not you. But it didn’t matter to him at the moment, because at the moment this was the only action he would be getting for a while. The entire time during while were doing it, he would moan out Y/N and not Madison, of course Madison was upset that he was saying someone else’s name and not hers. ~Later that day~ Tammy was convinced that Mason had called a cab and went back to Y/N’s apartment immediately instead of his place, but then again he was questioning his thought seeing how drunk Mason was when he left him outside. His thoughts were interrupted when he heard knocking at his door, when he opens the door and sees Mason who was knocking with a face of regret noticeable to anyone even if they didn’t know who he was. Tammy knew at the moment that Mason never went home to Y/N. “Mason, mate what did you do last night? When I went back outside, you were nowhere to be found so I thought you went home, and with that face of regret you have I’m going to guess that you didn’t make it home?” Mason was scratching the back of his neck trying to gather his thoughts because he knew that Tammy would kill him for doing what he did to Y/N. “Ok, I’ll tell you the only thing I can remember but you better promise me that you won’t get mad at me nor will you tell Y/N! She has to find out through me and not from someone else. I made the worst mistake of my life that I thought I would never do, after you left Madison walked out an-“ “Mason who the hell is Madison and why the hell couldn’t you keep it in your damn pants? What the hell is Y/N going to do when you tell her?” Tammy said infuriated with what he was hearing. What both Tammy and Mason didn’t know was that Leah, Tammy’s girlfriend, was hiding behind the wall eavesdropping on the conversation since her and Y/N were best friends. “Tammy would you let me fucking talk? Madison is that girl that you saw me with earlier in the club. She told me she had a ‘cure’ to my problem and I said yes, only because I thought that she was Y/N! The entire time my mind was only on Y/N, all I could think was Y/N, and when we were doing it all I could say was Y/N never was I thinking about Madison. Hell, I was convinced she was Y/N when I first laid eyes on her, I swear I thought Y/N had came to the club to apologize for spending to much time with Mark from work.” Leah had enough of hearing the stupid excuses Mason was trying to justify his actions with, she knew that it was better if Y/N heard from Mason rather than herself but Y/N deserved to know the truth no matter what. So Leah left to their room to make an important call. Tammy was trying to think if Madison had any of her friends in common with Y/N so that they would stop chain before the news got to Y/N, but they didn’t know that he was screwed since Leah had told her best friend already. Mason feeling guilty just decided to go to Y/N’s apartment to face his consequences. When he made it home, he found Y/N sitting on the couch glaring at the front door waiting for Mason to come in. Mason knew at that moment that someone had to have told her what happened, because why else would she be upset. When Mason went up to kiss her temple, Y/N got up from the chair, he could see the stained trail of tears down her cheek making it visible that she had been crying not too long ago. Mason tried to embrace her trying to grab her chin to make her look at him, Y/N breaking at this point “Mason no, I cant even look at you!” “Y/N talk to me please, tell me what’s wrong?” “Oh come on Mason, you don’t come home and don’t freaking tell me if you are alright then you leave me worried wondering what you could be doing, then I find out that you slept with another woman! Mason you slept with another woman!” “Y/N it was a mistake, I made a mistake!” “Really Mason, a mistake? Where were you trying to put in, her purse?” “Y/N I want to talk about this, I want to talk and work this out please? Hear me out!” “Ok, how was she?” “What do you mean how is she, what kind of question is that Y/N?” Mason said with a bit of frustration that she would ask that, “Was she good? Was she better than me?” at this point Y/N’s heart was breaking into a million little pieces. “Come on Mason, you said you wanted to talk about it, well then let’s talk about! How was she?” “Y/n please I-“ Mason couldn’t think right “Mason Tony Mount, be a man for once. Grow a pair and respond to the question instead of trying to beat around the bush” Y/N becoming infuriated by the minutes, “Y/N she was….she was different” “Good? Different?” Y/N had grabbed a rolled up newspaper and proceeded to hit Mason with it, and  Mason was trying to run away from her “Y/N I’m sorry, ok I’m sorry! Nobody likes change, I swear I was only thinking of you the entire time. I swear I was convinced that she was you when I first saw her. I thought you had came to the club after work because you had stalked my location. I swear I couldn’t stop thinking of you!” “Oh Mason, that is so sweet! I think I’m falling in love with you all over again.” “Listen Y/N the important thing is that she meant nothing, she meant nothing to me!” “Oh really Mason did she? Cause last time I checked she was worth jeopardizing our relationship!” “Really Y/N a relationship? What relationship was there to jeopardize, hm my relationship with your voicemail?” “Really you think you’re going to get out of the on a smart ass comment! Mason I’m doing what I love, I get to work at my dream job if you can’t understand that my job requires a lot of time and effort just like yours then why the hell do you want to feel guilty! You’re apologizing not because you felt like it but because you were caught!” “Honestly I think this would’ve never happened if I didn’t think at the same moment you were sleeping with Mark?” “Really Mason, again with the stupid Mark thing. He is a coworker and we work in the same department” “Yes again with the Mark thing, you spend more time with him than with me recently. Even when I went to visit you at work last week, you were talking to Mark!” “Ok Mason, let’s say I had slept with Mark. Would you have forgiven me?” “Of course I would have Y/N, I wouldn’t want to lose you!” “You’d be ok if you knew that Mark had kissed me, had been naked with, and that we were a hot writhing me-“ “LALALALALA, ok I would’ve been devastated but I would still forgive you! I mean why wouldn’t I, it’s you! Y/N it has always been you!”. It had been four hours since Mason had come home and the argument had started. Y/N was an emotional mess on one of the couches while Mason was on the other couch crying with his hands on his head. Both of them had been like that for the past hour and a half, Mason had been the first to break the silence “Y/N I’m sorry ok! I’m sorry! I was out of my mind, I thought I had lost you! I didn’t know what to do, come on how crazy would I have been to cheat! Ok, I’m not Jadon! I made a terrible, stupid mistake and I wish I could take it back but I can’t and I’m sorry for putting you through this!” “Mason keep saying how sorry you are but supposedly when people are drunk their true intentions come out!” “Y/N I seriously can’t see us throwing away something that we both know is so damn beautiful! Y/N I love you so damn much!” Mason came over to her couch and sat right next to her, he took her hands in his and started to kiss from her neck until he tried to reach her lips and then Y/N escaped his grasp “No Mason, you cant kiss me and expect it to all go away. It doesn’t make things better! Ok?’ Y/N raising her voice each time she said a word. “Ok, ok” Mason said a little scared of her tone change, “Mason, I think you should go. I really think you need to go!” “Y/N there has to be a way we can work past this, ok? I can’t imagine my life without you!” Mason started crying as he grabs Y/N’s arms “I can’t imagine my life without these arms, without your face, and without your big heart. Don’t say something you might regret later babe, I can’t live without you.” Both of them break down crying, “No, Mason you’re totally a different person to me! I always saw you as someone who would never ever hurt me. Gosh and now I can’t stop picturing you with her, no matter what you say or what you do. This changed everything between us forever!” Mason kneeling on the floor with his arms wrapped around her waist “Y/N this seriously can’t be the end of us, this relationship can’t be really over!” Y/N was trying to keep her composure, because one of them had to be strong “Mason then how come it is?” At that moment, both Mason and Y/N’s hearts were torn into million pieces. Y/N ran up to her room then locked herself up there, crying her eyes out trying to remember what had gone wrong that drove Mason to sleep with another woman. In Mason’s head all he thought about was how he screwed up the best thing in his life, “I fell for temptation and didn’t know how to cope with you being at work, but I love you and will always love you, and I will always be waiting for you if you ever want to come back to this shitty ass boyfriend” he whispered on his way out particularly to no one. You were out in the hallway wanting to go downstairs and talk to him, when you heard everything he whispered, and you couldn’t help but think maybe we should work things out.

I’m sorry, this was longer than I originally expected. I was a little carried away, and also I don’t really condone cheating because I have been a victim of a partner cheating. But I liked the idea, so I wrote about it, I just wanted to put that out there. I hope you guys enjoy it :)

[mateasha]

rendevous 18.6y

summary: chikage shows up at the front door of MANKAI after disappearing from the face of the Earth for 3 years. itaru is not happy. fandom: a3 pairing: chikage x itaru word count: 5516 tags:  original characters for the sake of plot, friends to strangers to lovers, angst, fluff, flashbacks, mentions of death, bad attempts at action, bad attempts at comedy

chapter 1: realizations He should be happy for him. Chikage is okay. Chikage is alive, and didn’t… just go somewhere and do god knows what, (which, well, he already did, didn’t he.) but at least it isn’t anything bad, he’s safe and sound and maybe the troupe members will be overjoyed to hear how he’s been doing...

Out of respect, no one has ever taken their spots in their respective troupes.

He observes him even harder from the lounge area in the office, a good break, he thinks, as he grinds some gacha game with his husbando, a little tired from staring at the stupidly “gendered” pink UI with the characters flying across the screen. 

He’s happy. He looks healthy— maybe skin even glowing brighter than ever.

And it’s good for him. It’s amazing to see how happy Chikage looked, “laughing” with his friends, almost heartwarming to see Chikage doing just fine. Why wouldn’t he be? He’s talented, strong, mentally adept, better than h—

He stops that train of thought immediately.

He was happy. So then Itaru should be happy. Even if he was that stupid, unromantic senpai that always was offstandish with just a bit unromantic caring for others when he felt like it.

At least, should be.

He watches as his coworkers walk around him, slinging their arms around each other in camaraderie, as one of them asks him out for drinks after picking up lunch. His smile is almost as wide as he remembers when he figured out Hisoka was alive. And innocent.

He watches Chikage and he doesn’t look back, walking into the elevator without him, because he works on this floor. It’s fine.

But it’s just so fucking funny, when all he wants is just another word, just a reason why he left without even asking Spring Troupe, or literally anyone else for help. He would even trade his life for Hisoka’s, even though he knows that wouldn’t make anyone happy. Well, maybe Chikage. He could go off into some sunset with him and run away from whatever responsibilities he wanted to not deal with. Like Itaru. Izumi. The others. 

He wants to scream out so bad, just for him to come back, but he can’t, like that stupid horror novel that made him feel like shit and all existential for no reason. He feels like he can talk to him about everything, in a sense. Which would make sense, of course, if they were still close. Roommates. But he could only do that in a world where Hisoka is still alive.

—

Chikage knows he’s here.

Why? 

Intuition.

Not really. He looks at him, but chooses not to “look”.

But when he sees his face, almost heartbroken, which is almost questionable. He wants to ignore him so bad. Just move on. Easier said than done, when every week you see him share out information with the company execs.  A Chikage-senpai, no more.

He wants to move on so bad.

But everytime he goes to bed, he can’t stop thinking. He crosses another day off the calendar, it’s been three years, almost three and a half years. 

He tears down his calendar. Who the fuck uses those anyways?

He tries to move on.

But of course, when you have something good, and it gets taken away, you want it back, right? You throw a tantrum like a little child at first, like a baby crying for their pacifier their mom took away from them. Then, you silence yourself, deny you ever wanted it in the first place. But you can’t stop wanting more, wanting it back. You yearn for it so hard that it hurts, almost twists your heart into a fucking pretzel, your stomach bubbling like the filter of the damn fish tank in your too-large-for-one-person office— thanks Boss, not complaining— but you can’t have it. You ignore it.

He knows he wouldn’t be able to deal with it again. It was all his fucking fault. He slams his hand on the desk again, before opening up his work computer.

His vision is hazy, like the only thing he can see is his hands, just a foot in front of him, trying to find his ground, but all that runs through his mind is, “it’s your fucking fault you idiot stupid you shouldve worked harder to protect everyone, cant even do that” it turns out harder than expected. 

But it’s not his first time at the rodeo, of course. He picks up the stack of paperwork, straightening it all into a neat little tower of paper, before typing away with a nasty scowl on his face.

He can’t accept this.

—

It’s his anniversary.

Chikage is on “vacation”. If your definition of “vacation” is sitting in a fancy car in suburban Tokyo, near Veludo Way. He already regrets his decision. Closure, my ass, he thinks to himself as he drives his car. 

He’d already picked up tickets to their show in a month. Itaru is the lead this time. He searched it up, but it seemed not to have anything that Spring Troupe would do. Minagi always changes it up. 

Maybe visiting his grave today wasn’t the best idea, Chikage asks himself with a slight melancholy in his inside head voice which he wants to shut up— so he tells it to shut up with its own voice (which of course, would never work, because he’s telling himself to 

shut up).

Chikage doesn’t know what to say. Do people speak out loud to their graves? No disrespect to them, but not for him.

In their head? He tries it, kneeling down a bit to the headstone, setting down a bag of marshmallows.

Hisoka. I don’t believe in God or reincarnation, or whatever religion. But I want to give the universe, no matter how little it cares, the benefit of the doubt. I hope you’re in nirvana, heaven, or reincarnated into some “cute” baby in whatever country, eating marshmallows. I never understood that. It’s not like I needed to. I guess. But wherever you are, I hope you’re up there. With August. 

He shakes his head, like a dog shaking off water, except instead of water, it’s a somber liquid covering him, coating him in some syrupy hotness that feels like the embodiment of orange with speckles of blue.

He gets up and turns around to head back to his car.

“...Utsuki. It’s been quite a while.” He pulls up the cuffs of his outfit.

 He’s not surprised to see him here. Arisugawa. He looks the same, the same haircut, the same outfit, same everything. He’s happy to see he’s been doing well.

“...I’m not surprised to see you here. You were his roommate, after all.”

“Yes, yes, indeed I was. Was is the word I want to put emphasis on.” It’s like he reminded himself of what happened. “Why? Why come back here after all this time?”

“I was just… reminded.” He straightens his back, as if it wasn’t straight in the first place, almost scoliosis levels of effort into “straightening” posture, as if to become more defensive.

“Are you going to interrogate me, at least? Inquire about the troupe? How well has it been faring?”

“... I don’t think I need to.” He’s reminded of the last time he went to watch a play. Around Christmas time— where he could take enough time off.

Minagi always does well. Sakuma is always just so passionate you can feel it through the character. Usui is always perfect, staring back at the Director in approval. Chigasaki… is…

He interrupts his own thoughts just to respond to Arisugawa, who’s been waiting for another word for 3 seconds at least. “I saw the play around Christmas. Well done. Very much so.”

“We are all aware Minagi-san always does an amazing job. Why, he is at the same level as me. But of course, I must come here and mourn every once in a while.” He walks past Chikage to look at Hisoka’s grave. “These marshmallows were his favorite brand, Chikage.”

“I know.”

A moment of silence ensues as Homare places a bouquet of anemone on the grave.

“Come back.”

“What?” Chikage is almost startled as he looks down at Homare, squatting at the grave.

“Come back.”

“You know I can’t.”

“You can, and you have always been able.” 

“I can’t. Arisu. What am I meant to say to everyone? ‘Oh, I left for 3 years, haha big surprise now I’m back!’ They’re them. I’m me. They don’t need me.” Chikage laughs nervously. Nervously? He calms his nerves— at least tries to, conflicted on what to do, because it’s been a while since he’s been like this.

“It’s what Hisoka would have wanted. We all need breaks.” The mention of Hisoka alarms Chikage, and makes his voice venom tipped.

“Don’t even try to bring up that fucking sleepyhead.”

“My, your language. This place is sacred.” He doesn’t even seem phased by his biting tone or his venomous words, just continuing to talk to him as normal— at least normal to him. “But you must admit… he would want you to keep acting. He was very, practically fully aware that you enjoyed what you did immensely.”

“I don’t care. It was good to talk to you again. See you around.” He storms off before Homare calls out for him again.

“Just… take this.” He hands him a card, Chikage acquiescing halfheartedly, already thinking about throwing away that flimsy card. “Call the number if you ever yearn for us too much.”

Chikage doesn’t say anything back— at least doesn’t feel the need to.

—

“Itaru?” The rest of the Spring Troupe knocks at his door, mostly Sakuya’s voice piercing through the little symphony of voices piping up just in an effort to wake up Itaru. (If he’s asleep of course— sleeping now to save energy for ranking all night.) “We have pizza?” Masumi looks at the noticeable lack of pizza in their hands, which, knowing Itaru, would make him close that damn door again.

Tsuzuru knocks on the door again, Izumi coming by, looking at them with a puzzled look on her face. “...Can I ask what you guys are doing or is it private?”

“Itaru hasn’t come out of his room in like… a week.” Tsuzuru takes out his phone to check the phone date to see if he’s actually not come out of his room for a week. “Yeah. A week.”

“And why is that surprising? He’s probably ranking.” Izumi almost has a visible question mark hovering over her head, that would be drawn over her if they were in an anime. “Although he should be working on his role… he is the lead after all.”

“Yeah, but I know that he has no thanking to do for this week!” Citron looks almost frustrated, going to the door to bang on it before Sakuya holds him back, calming him down. “I wanna play with him…”

“Ranking.” Tsuzuru mumbles through the word, correcting him.

“Ranking!”

Izumi parts them into two to make her way to the door, knocking harder. “Chigasaki! Get out of the room before I break in!” No response. “...Itaru?” Izumi grabs a keychain from her pocket, with the master key. “I’m coming in.” She unlocks the door quickly, opening the door, being blasted with a rank scent— the scent of body odor (which isn’t surprising now that he’s alone) but when it’s festered and accumulated for a month. Which is terrible considering he’s only been in there for a week.

“...Yes?” Itaru sits up in his loft bed. “...Oh.” He gets down from the loft bed, his hair almost matted to his face, with oil stains and chip crumbs all over his t-shirt. “...Hi.”

“Itaru.”

“Director…?”

“Take a bath. Come back here. We are going to talk, because you haven’t let it get this bad in a while.”

“...Whatever you say.”

When Itaru takes a shower, he doesn’t feel refreshed— rather just a clean feeling taking him with the same unidentifiable emotion. Probably a mixture of disappointment, discontentment, and self-loathing; which isn’t a particularly new mixture but it’s almost defeating this time, for no damn reason. Well, he does know the reason, but he refuses to acknowledge the idea, even entertaining it. Calling in sick to work because he just didn’t feel like going isn’t going to last forever, especially when He is practically his boss. He doesn’t want to get fired of course. He did just lose another job, so getting fired now isn’t the best idea.

Itaru picks up his phone on his way out of the bath, and turns on his phone to check his waifus this time, at first checking out his Best Girl. Humans are complicated, he says to himself, as he taps though some loading messages and downloading messages. He thinks back to work before getting interrupted by Izumi, who’s staring at him from inside his dorm, picking up trash and stuffing them into her makeshift trash bag, which is really just a plastic bag from the convenience store. “Itaru, come in. It’s your dorm after all.” He walks in unwillingly, hit by the smell he produced himself. He even wonders how he can take it.

Izumi wants to talk, he knows that much, as he feels the type of anxiety coming on when he gets the message, “we need to talk”. He hasn’t gotten it that often, but he does definitely freeze up. He definitely isn’t that stupid to not get a hint. Maybe. Izumi starts speaking after a moment of silence.

“So… Can we talk about this? You’ve never let it get this bad… even you have standards.” She glares at the side of the room that’s basically caked in chip bags, surrounded by an anime summoning circle made of chip crumbs. 

“Do I have to?”

“Listen… this can’t go on forever. Just… talk about it. My lips are sealed!” She “zips” her mouth shut and throws away the invisible key from her hands. Itaru knows she isn’t going to leave without an answer— which is just the type of person she is— determined for no good reason. He can’t understand why Izumi is still here, even “helping” him clean. Helping in quotation marks because Itaru’s splayed out on his couch, head hanging off an armrest.

He holds out his phone to tweet something on his streamer Twitter, like “sorry for not streaming i was sick” which is convincing, until he realizes Banri follows him. Fucking NEO. Whatever. He sends it anyway.

“Can you keep it down? I don’t know what emotion you’re gonna feel when I tell you whatever has gotten me so… down. But I know you’re gonna scream about it, which I don’t want to hear.” Itaru scrolls through his personal, looking at fanart of his main games staring at a couple to just appreciate the artistry. Talent.

“I told you. Lips are sealed!”

He adds a snarky tone to his voice. “Someone with their lips zipped together wouldn’t be able to talk.” Itaru smirks.

“Shut up, you know what I mean.”

“LOL. Do you seriously, most definitely, want to hear me out?”

“Yes. Obviously? I’m cleaning your room just to buy myself time so you don’t kick me out.”

“Good strat. Whatever.” He goes to the training section, sacrificing some of his cards in the name of evolving his best girl. “I got laid off, remember?”

“Yeah.”

“And I got a new job, remember?”

“Mmmhm.”

“So I got hired as an assistant to this high up exec, which is like… hell yeah. Level up from that old company.”

“Didn’t you just get hired? I don’t think being absent for a week is a good look for your Refreshing Handsome Man persona. Trademark.”

Itaru laughs.“I— Well… Yeah? But I just didn’t want to go because of a certain person.”

“Do we have to beat someone up?”

“No. But guess who it was.”

“... Was it someone from highschool?”

“It was Chikage-san.”

“...Chika—“ Izumi puts her own hand over her mouth to shut herself up because of the up and coming scream that is about to pierce the skies.

“You heard me right.”

“...Yeah, I definitely did.” Izumi almost has a solemn tone, a tacit agreement of how they should be feeling about this.

“I just… I don't think I’m ready to see him. Mentally preparing for what shitshow might go on. Seeing him drained all my LP in a split second. And this week is me recharging, and a little more. Like I need it to overflow this time, like when I claim daily login quests for them.”

“Makes sense. Well… nothing you can do about it, right?” Izumi sounds a bit defeated, tying up the trash she’s picked up in the convenience store plastic bag, taking out another one and cleaning up again. “Just… deal with it till you can find a new job. Or… you could bring him back here. I want to— need to talk to him.”

“Mmm. I don’t want to do it.” Itaru sounds even more defeated, like he was born with that stupid Archeops abiltity. 50% HP lost already, and he’s not ready to lose that other half. “But if it comes to that… Sure. I’ll try. Not very hard of course.”

“Yeah, yeah, Itaru. You keep doing that.” She picks up some more trash before Tsumugi looks through the door. 

“Director-san?”

“Tsumugi?”

“Someone is at the door.”

“I’ll get it.” Tsumugi leaves quickly to his dorm. “Itaru. Finish cleaning. Get the broom and sweep that damn pile of chips. We can’t deal with another infestation. Sakyo is gonna get so mad at you and me, and we don’t want another wifi outage caused by him. Also… please remember the play. I know that we aren’t super close to opening night, but this one has to be one of our more intricate ones, okay? Study your role well.”

“Yeah, of course. I’ve been doing that in here too.” Itaru follows Izumi out of the room, heading to the lounge to grab the dustpan and broom lying in the corner of the kitchen. Itaru takes it, wondering how much money it would cost for Itaru to get a damn maid around here. 

But he wouldn’t want anyone to see his room, of course, as he gets almost scared of someone walking in, and seeing his shelf of games, and his cute and sexy gamer setup. Not the right choice of words, but it’s cute and sexy to him. (He also doesn’t want anyone to wash his body pillow of his waifu, or see it, matter of fact. Plus, he’s worked to make it so comfortable he can sleep instantly with it.)

Itaru heads back to his dorm, the door still open, sweeping up the chips, and spraying some damn Febreeze in there. Hawaiian breeze, or some other tropical scent will do. He hears frantic footsteps from the lounge, Izumi holding onto the doorframe.

“Itaru!” She stands up straight. “Chikage… is here. At the dorms with us.”

“What?” 

Chikage pops up behind her, with a small suitcase in hand. Less of popping up, but more of fully revealing himself behind her.

“Please don’t tell me he’s moving back in.”

—

Chikage is less than aware of the reasons he’s here, before regrouping himself and making some stupid mental list in his mind. Thanks, self-help/business book that his boss gave him. He leads up the events in his mind.

Chikage gets a call from the landlord of his apartment building. 

The landlord tells him that the rooms are flooded because some guy on the upper floor took such a big shit that it flooded the entire apartment complex. How does one even do that?

He is distressed. He goes to book a hotel.

All the hotel rooms are booked again.

Chikage, understandably, gets angry. He drives back to pick up some non-wet stuff. He can sleep in a car for a night.

He starts it up, and it doesn’t start. His car is broken.

He kicks the tire in frustration, and the side metal plate just falls off. He sighs in the ultimate defeat.

He now has nowhere else to stay— hotels are all booked and reserved for the waves of plays about to be released. His hideout is not an option— he doesn’t have much of a bed in there, or actual facilities he needs. No wifi.

Chikage is reminded of the conversation he and Arisugawa had back at… there.

He comes back with a damn Uber.

He sits down at the couch, fingers pinching the bridge of his nose in more than frustration at what situation he’s gotten himself into, already regretting his decision.

Izumi runs back, opening the lounge door. “...Chikage-san!” She goes to the kitchen. “It’s… a pleasure to see you back here. It’s pretty late. Almost everyone has gone to sleep. Tea?”

“Sure. Lavender, thank you.” Chikage is fidgeting, which is super out of whatever character he plays, almost struggling to not have a tone when he says his next words. “I’d… hope no one else is awake.” He thinks back to Itaru, but forces the thought of him out. “How has it been?”

“Not the same without you and… yeah.” Izumi looks down at her own cup, the teabag soaking. “Why are you here anyways? You just… disappeared.”

Chikage swallows his pride for just a little bit longer. “My apartment is flooded. My stuff is fine but I can’t stay there for now. Every hotel is booked here. My car is broken because I’ve been forsaken. I can’t stay anywhere else. I need to stay here.”

“...Well… you’re always welcome here anyways. You’ll always be a part of us, even when you don’t think you are.” Izumi takes a sip of her now finished tea. “Well… I know this might be uncomfy but for now, our only open room is 103.” He gets flashbacks to the number, when he got assigned it the first time he came here. “I don’t want to put you in 205. Homare has been doing a lot of stuff in there ever since.” Izumi pauses. “...And I know how you might feel about it.”

“I see. Well… I’ll take what I can get, no?” He sighs. “Beggars can’t be choosers.” He takes a long sip of his lavender tea. Nothing has really changed, he observes, as he looks around slowly taking everything back in. The smell is even familiar, which might just be the smell of lavender tea, but he doesn’t really think so. But an air about it doesn’t have as much life as it used to— which he might attribute to the fact that it’s now 12:30 am, but he knows deep in his subconscious the real reason.

Izumi smiles wide. “Great. I’ll lead you there. Itaru is cleaning right now.”

—

Yes, it is awkward, Itaru confirms to himself— something he doesn’t even need to do when Chikage is literally just typing away at his computer, as Itaru fiddles with his phone up in the air, playing some new KniRoun thing. Great. Lancelot is idly whacking at some large dragon on his phone screen, while Chikage’s loud typing begins to fill up more and more of his headspace until Itaru finally gets over the air that’s as thick as butter. “Can you type… quieter? Please?”

Fuck. That is not how he meant to say it. “...sure.” Itaru is surprised, doing a little “Oh.” to himself. He expected more resistance, especially with his tone.

Chikage can almost feel Itaru’s eyes burn into the back of his skull, which would almost be fitting for him and those damn carnelian eyes. “If you want me to leave, I can leave. I understand you have to do that ranking thing, or whatever.”

“Don’t act like you care, Utsuki.” Itaru just keeps fumbling with his tone, always going a little too biting. Which he should probably stop, when he’s basically talking to his boss. Technically. Not really his boss, because he’s been appointed to Chikage. They’re supposed to be working together. But it’s not like Chikage has power in a setting that is now his. He’s in Itaru’s domain. “You never cared about my ranking in the first place.”

“Can we fucking not today? Be happy I’m even dealing with you.”

Itaru shuts up immediately. He isn’t going to do this today. Or ever. He turns on his side to try to ignore whatever that cabbage head is doing on his laptop. But he doesn’t. He looks at the laptop, already looking for hotels to stay at, and sending out emails, with some decryptor on the side. Itaru isn’t one for confrontation. He knows he’s less than welcome with Chikage’s presence— which he can’t understand.

But Itaru is already tired— be it from the event that just happened, or the fact that it’s 1 am. Which is baby hours for him. He goes to do some final things, use his stamina, the sorts, and lets his body drift away.

—

Itaru wakes up midday, as usual for a weekend, and for some reason, Chikage is still there, typing away. He climbs down from his loft bed, stretching a bit and going to turn his computer on. 

It seems like a normal weekend to Itaru, except for the fact that he’s here now. For whatever reason.

“Have you been awake this entire time?”

“...What’s it matter to you?” Chikage doesn’t even look back or stutter in his typing.

“Nothing, I was just wondering. Jeez.” Itaru doesn’t even want to try to fight back with the man who could snap his neck in 0.5 seconds. He walks out into the atrium, heading to the kitchen to grab some food from Omi, who had probably covered some leftovers from breakfast in plastic wrap, and probably already getting lunch ready.

“Itaru. Good morning to you!” Omi speaks to Itaru from the counter, giving him a smile.

“Thanks.” He grabs the leftover breakfast for a nice brunch.  Izumi comes through the door with some bags of groceries for the next week.

“Itaru! Let’s talk later, okay? Practice is soon. We don’t want you to be absent this time. As the lead, you have the most importance for the play, and we need you to—“

“I know. I’ve been studying this role, okay? I just can’t seem to wrap my head around it.” 

“And that’s why we should talk.” Izumi looks serious again, the look she gave him last night when cleaning his dumpster room. “It’s nothing serious. Just sit down here.”

“I have things to attend to, Director.” Itaru looks smug, and walks towards the door, plate in hand. 

“I swear it’ll be quick!”

“Can’t we just do it in my room? Omi is here, and if it’s so serious, we should talk about it in a private place.”

“You’re gonna be distracted if we do it in your room. Just follow me to mine.”

“Ugh…” He walks over to Izumi, and follows her to her room, pulling out a chair for Itaru and she sits on her bed. “So…?”

“So… guess what…” Izumi’s voice is light, like she’s trying to break something to him slowly but surely.

“Don’t tell me. Is he going to be staying for a while?”

“...Damn.”

“You have to be kidding me, Izumi. Like I can’t believe you would do this to me. Rooming me with my boss.” He puts his back over the chair he’s sitting in, like a standard damsel in distress, woe is him. “Woe is me! All I know is pain and suffering.” 

“You might be an actor but that was not an opening night performance.” Izumi laughs. “It might be for a while so bear with me. It’ll be until at least closing night.”

“... At least closing night?” Itaru is confused. “Why does he even need to stay in here?”

“Well… His apartment is flooded. Some guy took a fat shit in the toilet on the upper floors and now his apartment is flooded with toilet water. Hotels are booked for a while, Godza n’ all the other performances. People do book hotel rooms months in advance here.”

“Well, that’s tough. Why not put him with Homa—“ He stops and realizes what he’s going to say. “Oh.”

“Right.”

“Well, can’t he drive? Like… to a place with hotels?”

“Well, his car is broken. Listen, even if he did get it fixed, it’s the least we can do for him. He tried his best, Itaru. Everyone… grieves differently and it’s not in our place to judge him, no? Even if it was self-destructive…”

“Yeah, by hurting us? That’s his grief? Why’d you even let him stay? He doesn’t act, he wouldn’t do shit around here. Do you think he’ll come back? After three and a half years, no goodbye, just a complete disappearance? I don’t see how you can forgive some old cabbage head like that. He’s not even part of MANK—“

“Itaru, can you shut the fuck up? Like, actually.” Itaru immediately shuts up in almost prey-like fear. ”You of all people should know what it felt like when he left, and after everything that went down.” Izumi is absolutely fuming, like steam is coming out of her ears, getting up and turning away and looking at the bookshelf. “Do you know what it feels like? I worked so hard for this— to build this up from when it was failing to a place where we can stay and lean on each other and you… you of all people should know what the hell that feels like.”

“Izumi, I—“ He gets up, reaching out for a bit.

“I’m not finished.” Izumi is tearing up and getting more red by the second, like she’s going to burst. “How do you think I feel about all this? Chikage is back. It’s overwhelming, Itaru. It reminded me of Hisoka, and what would MANKAI be if he was still here but he isn’t. He’s not back. He won’t ever, and when we find an old member like Chikage, I will always accept him back in, even if he’s not committed to the acting gig. It’s almost like we’re completing ourselves again.”

“I understand that, but—“ Itaru can barely get a word in.

“He’s staying there. I don’t want any backtalk from you, Itaru. Have a good evening.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Just go.” She sits back down, her back turned to Itaru as he walks out.

Itaru feels bad. I mean, who wouldn’t, but he didn’t expect Izumi to take it that hard. Itaru has every right to say that he doesn’t want him in his room, feeling no remorse for making Izumi almost cry from pure anger, walking slowly back to the room. Omi stares at him as he goes through the kitchen. 

“...Food?”

“Nah. Not hungry, I want some chips.”

“Don’t overindulge. It’s almost dinner anyways.”

“Yeah, yeah, thanks Omi.”

He walks out of the kitchen and back to his room, still thinking about Izumi. Izumi is angry. Izumi is more than angry at him and it was because of him— which has never happened before and he is distraught. 

He walks back into the room and no one is there. Bless. Today his room feels a bit more lonely, even though there’s more stuff in it, looking to his left to see the duffel bag of clothes with his desk underneath the loft bed already set up with tons of electronics. What is he even doing? He takes a look at Chikage’s stuff before he comes back.

Another laptop? A walkie-talkie… and the thing that catches his eye the most is a picture of MANKAI, and behind that, a picture of Hisoka and Chikage. Itaru remembers taking this photo, looking closer at it. Okay, now he really feels bad, he thinks as he looks at the photo more and more.

If he missed us that much then why didn’t he come back?

The door opens and he shuffles as fast as he can to the couch, posing in one of the most awkward positions.

“...H-hey, Utsuki-senpai.”

“Hm.”

He quickly walks past, suspiciously looking at Itaru as if he was a cat that pushed something off a desk while their owner was gone. Itaru quickly skitters to his desk, starting up his computer. The room feels a bit more lively with both of them in it, even if they’re both just trying to ignore each other, something within the room metamorphosing, like something is changing. He shakes the thought out of his head quickly before he slumps into his chair to get into the Gamer Position (trademarked by Itaru himself) and getting his software up.

Itaru needs to stream today. Not really— he didn’t announce anything, but he has to feed his fans some sort of content. He gets ready to film something, anything. He picks a random game and starts filming a bit, Chikage in the room completely tuning Itaru out and vice versa. 

Chikage slowly drifts off to sleep for once, but this time, it’s a deep sleep. chapter 1 / chapter 2 / chapter 3 / chapter 4 / chapter 5 / chapter 6

[sastrugie]

my christmas break starts this friday as well! what’s up with your coworker? have her test results come back? is she doing okay?

alright, so my fav topics include:

- the russian revolution, as already stated :D

- the cold war (mostly from the east european point of view)

- the tudors

- victorian era england

i also really love peaky blinders (the show) and i occasionally enjoy reading about how different gangs operated back in those days but i don’t know much lmao

also, monarchy is just such a terrible system but i completely get your interest in the people! for example, i also adore reading and learning about the tudors and the romanovs but only as a part of history and not because i’m such a big fan of the monarchy? lmao if that makes sense.

and like, i lowkey get why the bolsheviks thought they needed to assassinate the whole family but it’s also really sketchy, dude ://

i think i like britain’s history just because it’s so rich and influential, but like we simply can’t ignore the fucked up shit they’ve done through the centuries. so again, i enjoy it but mostly because i love judging them for their actions lmao

and to answer your question, i don’t really know if i have many historical favs? i feel like i enjoy way too many problematic people lmao. nevertheless, the ones i’m most interested in atm are: lenin (shockers), anne boleyn, anne bonny, malcolm x - this list shifts constantly depending on my mood though.

oh shush you, i’m sure your style is bombing based on everything i just read :)

lmao i actually do that sometimes, but mostly in my mother tongue! but i also just love shakespearean insults in english, those are impeccable

and merci beaucoup! good luck with russian; maybe you’ll be able teach me a few phrases in the future :D

ooh what are you studying atm? if you don’t mind sharing, that is.

and me, i’d like to become a psychologist some day, so that’s pretty far from history as well haha but i never want the enthusiasm to die ever and i’m really loving how the two of us can just scream to each other about history in every single ask/answer :D

thank you so much for these beautiful recommendations, i’ll definitely check them out!!

here are some of mine:

books:

- maria stuart by stefan zweig (german author, so it shouldn’t be too hard for you to find it!!)

- red crosses by sasha filipenko (fiction about the stalinist regime)

- the age of light by whitney scharer (historical fiction again lmao; tells the story of photographers lee miller and man ray’s romance in the 30s with little snippets into wwii through lee’s pov; the writing was stunning)

- sapiens by yuval noah harari (basically the history of mankind; so informative and enjoyable, i adored it)

- the real peaky blinders by carl chinn (what the title says, really; the actual gangs of birmingham and their not so shiny careers)

these are the best ones i read in 2020 but i’ll let you know if i remember any of my other reads!!

i also haven’t read any actual books about the 1917 revolution because i haven’t really had the chance to go to the library yet and i’ve been busy doing my research on the internet haha (it’s a fairly new hyperfixation of mine, to be frank). however, i’ll hit you up if i find anything worthwhile <3

documentaries:

- the russian revolution (the title speaks for itself lmao)

- genius of the modern world (3-part docuseries about marx, nietzsche and freud)

- world war ii in colour (lmao just a classic, innit)

- secrets of great british castles

- the last tzars (tho i’m pretty sure you’re quite familiar with this one haha)

- forbidden history

- secrets of the six wives

- anything by lucy worsley, tbh

these are all off the top of my head but again, i’ll let you know if i remember any more!!

oml i apologise for the long message and i hope your week is going well :D

dont apologize for long messages! <3 im always happy to talk to you 

sadly her test was positive UGH which means i have to get myself tested too (today) and if the worst case happens: i´ll have to spend christmas alone in my student flat bc then i obviously cant go home to my family (my grandparents live there..) so yeah, today 14:20 o clock... i have the test :( cross your fingers for me pls huhuhu

thats cool that we have the russian revolution and vicxtorian era as common interest ^^ i read a book recently its called “the ordeal” and its a triology written by alexej tolstoi during the times of the revolution. its a story about two sister and their love interests during the war times and its really good!!! 

oh i barely know anything about the tudors! pls hmu

ah yes.. the cold war... i have to admit im rather interested in the music and sociology of the cold war times but the political stuff is super interesting too! esp as you said from an east european view, so we can talk about that too!

yep. monarchy sucks! i understanbd from like a logical point of view why they shot them all, but the human side of me thinks its just cruel.. i mean yeah tsar nicholas wasnt a good politician but he wasnt a bad person either. but yeah, a difficult topic.. tbh he´s the only romanov im really interested in (i really dislike his wife alexandra tho lmao) hbu? 

leninnn :D i kinda excpected that! i havent really read much about him but he seems to be an interesting person! and who is anne boyd? malcom X yes! im really interested into the civil rights movement as well. I really like martin luther king jr.

englands history really fascinates me, and i honestly cant tell you why... but it is what is is hahhaa! nand duuudeeee omg they fucked so many shit up.. the british are a funny nation. but honestly none is unproblematic and every nation screwed up big time once:D judging is really important when youre intereste din history! like im interested in king george and queen mary but not solely for political reasons, more actually for their personal lives and victorian times and how they were as a couple, but i know... they did bad stuff too!

omg teach me some shakespearean insults pls! i only know a few victorian ones! and a bit of sixties slang :D 

im gonna reblog this and add some russian phrases bc my russian keyboard in on my phone :) but i use duolingo so the sentences are ... really weird lmao

im studying physical geography in Erlangen right now and am in my 7th semester.) im actually writing my bachelor thesis rn UGHHHHHHH

ohhhhh psychology is cool!! im really intersted in it, sadly i cant ever be one bc i suffer from poor mental health too much myself, in fact i have an appointment my therapist in a few minutes haha BUT i think youre super trustworthy and nice and easy to talk to so these are really good qualities for a therapist <3<3<3<3

AHHHHHHHHHHH THANKS!! 

i already read sapiens! its so good! and i know maria stuart by schiller haha but oml i love stefan zweig so imma add it on my list

ok and i will watch ALL of these (except the last tsars bc yeah i already saw it! and liked it ... kinda .. i didnt like the actor they chose for nicky, he didnt remind me of him at all)

i have alot of historical fiction books to recomment too: 

if you like ww2 “a time to live and a time to die”

ww1: “all quiet on the western front”

russian revolution and war time “the ordeal”

“intrige” by robert harris is also good (france 1896)

oh and documentary wise:

they shall not grow old is a coloured ww1 docu!

thank you so much for everything again i love talking to you :) have a nice day <3 (sorry for typos i was in a hurry)

[nie7027]

For some reason i really wanted to write some reformed super5 headcanons so here i go

Edit: Part1    Part2    Part 3    Part 4   Part 5

I havent read the manga so I dont know exactly what happens to them therefore this probably wont follow canon

Minegishi being the one who faced the worst possible way to realize all his wrondoing assumes as his responsability to make sure the others, who didnt had to go through such drastic measures, take seriously their redemption

"What do you mean the boy just offered to be your friend??? I HAD TO FACE DEATH HIMSELF AND ALMOST DIE WHILE BEGGING FOR ONE CHANCE" says a perfectly not traumatized Minegishi after Seri tells them what happened up there

So he essentially becomes the mom friend, making a group chat to know what all of them are up to and pestering them to find a job you bunch of useless

How he manages to be both the mom friend and the asshole friend is anybody guess

hatori and shibata move in together to split bills, seri goes with Reigen so Minegishi ends up renting a tiny flat on his own

Minegishi (actually all of them) doesnt trust Reigen, and neither Mob(afterall he saw him talking with that terrifying spirit) but it looks like Seri is doing fine and he is too busy looking for a job

He ends up being a florist(i think this is canon) and Hatori works repairing computers because thats all they know to do

Minegishi still doesnt actually like like plants but he has come to appreciate them and they are part of him so he starts to learn about them

Hatori canonically knows nothing about IT so now that its his work he does the same and lears to program too (It turns out without his powers he sucks at it)

Cue some strange study session and chats talking about their experiences

Minegishi: Did you know that apple seeds contain cyanide, a very lethal sustance, so you could kill a man if you feed him too many apples?

Hatori: Did you know computers are super stupid? seriously for some reason it tells me there two kinds of 0 and it wont do what i want OH MANS GREATEST INVENT HOW COME YOU CANNOT RUN THIS SIMPLE PROGRAM

Hatori:

Minegishi: you forgot another ; didnt you?

Hatori:

Hatori: yeah..but it still tells me the are 2 zeroe's

Shibata jumps from work to work(construction worker, security guard, retail) getting frustrated each time. The only things constant in his life are the super5 and his weekly visits to the gym because even if he was passing out he remembers what ekubo said to him about appreciating real trained muscles over fake physics muscles and decides to train until he deserves those muscles

It turns everybody in the gym admires his muscles and the fact that shibata follows a healthy routine and never oveworks like those who exercise for the sake of having muscles(he could use his physics powers if he wanted to just show off) motivates them to do the same so they gym owners, exvited about this' go to him and beg him to work there as gym instructor. Shibata has to go thought lots of capacitation but he is finally doing something he believes in and helping other people.

They do mostly fine and are sastified with the way they are becoming better...of course there times when old habits cannot be forgotten

One time Hatori is asked to repair one of the computers of a mildly important company and he does it without realizing he used his powers. so when another computer brokes in the same way and the company, to save money, triesto repeat what he did, it doesnt work and they acusse hatori of somehow doing this on purporse so the company is forced to hire him everytime and threaten to sue. Shibata hearing this walks up to the company in his inflated form and force them to retract everything the said, apologize to Hatori, hire him to repair the other computer and then leave him alone

Hatoris way to say thanks is to hack the gyms system and change shibatas schedule so his days of fall on the same day there new episodes of his favorite shows. He does the same for Minegishi sometimes.

Even if a florist shop is a calmer enviroment there are times he really wants to estrangulate the customers with some vines. He of course doesnt do it but he cant be blamed when a customer trips on a random root that appeared out of nowhere. Seriously? This root is too sturdy to be from any pf the plants they have Minegishis coworkers complain

Once they see a clean shaved, suit wearing more confident standing Seri for the first time they stare dumbfoundedly(they might had even gaped) but they recover quickly and compliment him which makes Seri so happy which is a nice change because he was so nervous he couldnt even button his shirt and Reigen had to sit him down and help him. They go for a drink and catch up on their lives. This becomes soon a routine.

And it goes like this(with them working, adjusting to normal lives and going for drinks every once in awhile) for about a year until one afternoon minegishi comes back to his apartment from grocery shopping to a powerful aura that is making his plants nervously recoil and finds Shimazaki resting on his couch eating cereal out of the box and watching tv

"What the fuck are you doing here?"

"Watching tv"

"You are blind"

"And you are dumb. Wheres the milk? I couldnt find it"

I have a part 2 ready but i really need to do my homework now so this was a good point to cut it. ill edit it later to fix any mistakes when im on my computer

(The cyanide thing is more difficult than just feeding someone apples but i did that on purpose to show Minegishi is just as dumb as Hatori)

[mistymark]

the one with the step stool.

nakamoto yuta x reader // barista!au // enemies to lovers!au

summary: in which you and yuta are coworkers and he finds it funny that you can’t reach the things on the top shelf

lets get this started then

can I just say

you absolutely adored your job

like most people hated their jobs? not you

working at the quaint coffee shop was the highlight of your day; talking to the old ladies who came in for morning tea every week, having friendly debates with the suits who came in during rush hour as you made their coffees, fun discussions with the other students and making new close friends with your coworkers

all in all, work was great

was

over the summer, when it started to get really busy as the weather looked up, your manager started hiring some new summer staff

enter yuta

okay not gonna lie the first time you saw him you thought he was hella attractive and couldnt wait to work with him

but that was until he began openly flirting with all the customers, and boasting to one of your coworkers about how much money he got in tips from it

and honestly, it began to piss you off

who the hell does he think he is

he was so cute and flirty with all the customers but so teasing when it came to you

and no it wasn't cute you hate the guy shut up

“y/n can u stop staring at my ass” “im trying to see how many muffins are in the case, asshole”

“hey y/n,,, like what you see?” “I wasn't even looking at you until you said my name wtf”

and no he wasn't a fuckboy!!!!! but he was definitely flirtatious

“y/n you missed a spot” “no I didnt I just finished wiping this table down” “no, not that,,, the bit of drool,, from looking at me” “oh my god shut up”

most of the time u worked the machine whilst he was on registers

but one of the other girls in the back went away on a holiday, so u started covering her in the office

which meant you had to be able to reach all the files in the top cabinets

and okay,, you weren't SHORT per say... but u were sorta

vertically challenged

and Yuta had taken it upon himself to help bully you whenever you needed ingredients from the top shelves when u were in the kitchen

so watching u try and reach for the files every day made him cACKLE

literally it was the funniest shit to him

“do u need a hand” “oh uh, yes please” “come on y/n just take it” “YOURE HOLDING IT OVER YOUR HEAD YOU LITTLE SHIT I CANT REACH IT”

anyway

one day you come in to work

and you roll your eyes at him when he sends you a grin from the registers

and roll your eyes even hARDER when he winks

when u walk into the office you're working in, theres a small pink step stool sitting on the desk, heart and rainbow stickers stuck all over it

theres also just a pile of glitter sitting on the top, like not glued on or anything, just sitting in a pile on the black surface

immediately your smile drops and you turn around in a fit of rage, and he's already standing there smugly, his arms crossed as he leans against the doorframe

“nakamoto yuta i am going to KILL you” you march up to him, your eyes shooting daggers

his eyes widen a little as you stand as close as possible to him, your finger pointed at him “you're such an asshole you know that?”

his smile never falters “you’re really cute when you're mad”

in a huff, you stomp back to your desk, grab the step stool and set it down at his feet

he laughs softly at your actions and watches as you stand on the stool confidently

“bet im not cute anymore”

he shakes his head at you and leans back quickly to make sure he’s not going to get in trouble for abandoning his work

“nope” he assures you

not gonna lie,, it kinda hurt

he saw the smile falter on your face

“well, uh... good, I-”

he glances down at the stool, before dragging his eyes up to your face, hovering above his “not cute exactly, I'd say more hot, but it’s whatever” he grins cheekily at you as he watches the small, shy smile appear on your face

“um? thank you?” you let your hands drop and you keep eye contact as you step off the stool and kick it forcefully into the corner of the room

he doesnt leave

“dont you have something better to do? like, idk, your job?”

“shouldn't I be asking you the same thing?”

“whatever yuta”

later that week, you’re collecting your payslip from the box theyre kept in  after your shift when yuta joins you

for once in his lifetime, he doesnt make any jokes as he easily reaches up and grabs it for you from above the cupboards

he huffs dramatically as he searches for his from the box “why can't they just do it in alphabetical order or something wtf”

“im sure its there somewhere”

“I can't find it”

“just grab it next week then”

“I can't, this is my last week”

“you're quitting?” you stop, looking up at him, instantly feeling as if it was your fault

he sent you a small smile because of ur concern, and continues looking through the box “no, im only summer staff, remember? and last time I checked, this is the last week of summer”

“so, you're not going to work here anymore” you couldnt believe it

“pretty sure thats what it means, yeah” he looked amusedly at you

when you didnt respond: “you gonna miss me, shortstack? no one to get the files down for you”

you snorted, “doubt it, and besides, I have a stool”

but to tell the truth, part of you was going to miss him

you continue to rifle through the pile you have in your hands and you find his

“this is yours right?” he looks up and makes to grab his payslip from you

“come on yuta just take it” you mock as you hold it out away from him

he reaches out to grab it and you move your arm behind your back, and he doesnt hesitate to reach around you to try and get it back

“um” you start, when both of his arms are wrapped around you, trying to snatch the envelope from your hands

it wasn't because you were freaked out because this wasn't normal, it was because you were freaked out because it did feel normal

it felt like he should always have his hands wrapped around you

and you didnt mean to ruin it;

he stopped instantly, taking in your position

you were standing there, one of his arms holding you to his chest to prevent you from moving, as his other reached for your hand

your other hand was resting on his shoulder as he bent down slightly to reach down your back

you stayed like that for a moment; trying to gage each other’s reactions

because if he wasn't lying; he was quite enjoying how flushed he made you, and how cute he thought your habits were while you were working

and how pretty you looked every morning when you walked in, and how you still looked gorgeous at the end of the day

okay okay maybe mAYBE yuta had a slight thing for you

but you would never take him seriously because of his constant flirting

“sorry” he pulled his arms away from you, taking a small step back

“no, no, um- here” you offered him the payslip

he took it, nodded and left

okay what the fuck just happened

did u have a thing for yuta

surely not

okay maybe

yes?

well this wasn't supposed to happen lol

the following week, after four days of not seeing yuta working with you, and with your friend coming back you were working the machine again, so u felt extra lonely

dont get me wrong, like your other friends were great, but you couldnt help miss him

especially with the small moment you'd had only a few days ago

the days passed much slower, but you continued your work diligently

“one regular iced mocha please”

your head shot up at his voice, and he sent you a wide grin as he met your eyes, then focused back on the girl serving him, grabbing out his wallet from his pocket

he stood waiting for his coffee beside the machine

“how have you been?” you tried to sound casual, not wanting to let on how excited you were to see him

he smiled happily “good, tho I miss working here”

“is that why you're back so soon”

“actually...” you looked up as you waited for the machine to finish pouring the hot liquid into a cup

“I wanted to ask if you were busy after your shift”

you felt a smile creep up on your face

you nodded happily, biting your lip to stop him from seeing your obvious reaction

“you still finish at 3 on Fridays right?”

“yeah” you blushed a little and began to focus on your coffees again

“iced coffee for,, hottest man alive?” you frowned at the docket you'd been handed

“wow y/n thats not necessary but thank you” he laughed and stepped closer to collect his coffee

“nakamoto yuta i will-”

“kill me? okay, y/n, but you’ve gotta wait” he checked the time “seven minutes until your shift ends”

seven minutes later, you hung up your apron and grabbed your things, stashing them on the chair beside yuta, as he stood up to leave

“I just have to grab my payslip” you turned around to rush to the backroom

“I got it” 

you cocked your head confusedly at him 

he held it up, then moved it to above his head

you jutted your hip out and crossed your arms over your chest, unimpressed

he lowered his hand, offering it out to you, level with his chest

quietly, he said “come on y/n just take it”

you cocked an eyebrow at him and reached out to grab it, but he grabbed your wrist with his free hand, pulling you into him, and bending down to reach your face, he closed the gap between your lips

you stood there, surprised, before you felt yourself smile and kiss him back

your hands forgot about the payslip and moved around his neck, pulling him against you

he moved the hand with your payslip in it around you waist, supporting you

he pulled away and you pouted at him

“dont give me that look, I came here to take you on a date, not just make out with you”

“funny, I like the second idea more” you mumbled, stashing your payslip into your bag

“hey it took me two months to work up the courage to ask you out, you’re not throwing my date away this easily”

you grabbed his hand as you stepped out onto the sidewalk

“really? two months?”

he laughed as he lead you down the busy street

“you have no idea”

[thisisabouta]

This is About a... Downfall.

It’s happening. I’ve been taking Lamotrigine consistently for 8 months or so. Maybe longer. This is the longest i’ve consistently taken medication in a long time. It’s Lamotrigine along with Doxepin, Hydroxyzine and Gabapentin.

This is where my head has been during these last 8 or so months. I was driving on the freeway, about to merge and as I saw my car getting closer to the concrete barrier, I decided to go faster instead of slowing down for the car that had the right a way. I was about to crash into the side of this fucking car but I just kept going. The car to my right had to slam their brakes and I waited to hear the loud crash from the cars behind them because there was no way this wasn’t about to be a 5 car pile up.

God was there because nothing happened but that was way too fucking close to a catastrophe. The car that I cut off trailed me for awhile and pulled up next to me, I’m sure they were trying to cuss me out, flip me off, something... Whatever they did, I didn’t see it but it was justified. I would’ve been fucking heated if it had been the other way around. I cut people off all the time. I drive like an asshole, whatever. This was different.

I’ve been disassociating for weeks now. In that moment, I could see everything that was happening but my brain was not telling my body the correct way to react. I knew to slow down but I couldn’t. Everything i’ve been doing lately has had a delay. 1 minute. 5 minute. 10 minutes. My processing is delayed. My speech stumbles out of my mouth and doesn’t make sense. I’ve been blacking out and losing moments of time for years now but not to this severity. Now it’s like i’m blacking out and not fully coming back from it.

I’m around people constantly. I’m in a position of “leadership” at work so I have to direct and plan, be on alert at all times. My work day now consists of getting asked questions that I can’t comprehend fast enough so I stand there with a blank stare on my face, slowly losing my credibility. It’s worse because some of the things i’m being asked, I absolutely know the answer to but my brain just cannot get there. I can’t focus on ANYTHING. I know i’m walking around in circles (literally) and I know other people see it but I can’t stop. This circling shit happens a lot but it’s picked up in frequency. After I realize what i’m doing, it’s already done. People are trying to get my input and ideas and all I can do is squeeze my hands together and stare straight ahead, hoping my brain will figure out that I need it to work.

When I try to read, I can’t. This isn’t all the time but it happening occasionally is already too much. Words are not always making sense to me. I cant understand what i’m seeing and I have to go over things multiple times. It’s the same with counting. I shouldn’t have to use a calculator to add 30 and 20 or hold five $5 bills in front of me and stare at them until I realize what it is that i’m looking at. It’s embarrassing to even acknowledge that this is happening.

I’ve been losing things more and more everyday. I’ve had a habit of losing my keys. I lost my work keys at my last job, three times. My new job, i’ve already lost my keys once and it hasn’t even been 2 months that i’ve been working there. When my coworker texted me telling me that she found them, I just wanted to cry. That sounds ridiculous but having those keys is a huge fucking responsibility. I can get fired for losing them. Somehow I escaped that at my last job but it was a constant fear that I had. This last time, I hadn’t used the keys at all that day and I still managed to lose them. I retraced my steps and I had not taken them off of my keychain. Things like that don’t help me overcome this engrained idea I have that the universe is against me. Those keys represent me trying to do everything I can to keep it together while everything still managing to fall apart.

I’ve been forgetting to pay bills that i’ve been paying on the same day, every month for years. I’ve been forgetting people’s names. I can’t always comprehend what people are saying when they’re talking to me... that’s been a big one. I had a customer walk to my register at work. I was looking down at something when he asked if he could pay for his merchandise (I found out later on). That’s not what I heard. It came out as mumbling so I just assumed he was making a comment about something that was left on the counter. From what I remember, I said “Oh... yeah...” and went back to what I was doing. He looked at the Associate next to me and she told him that there were registers at the front where he could pay (she was already helping someone). He walked to the front and it took me about 2 or 3 minutes to realize that he was asking if I could ring him up. And to add to that awesome moment, he glared at me for the rest of the time he was in the fucking store. Yes, one small incident but that’s nowhere near how many times something like that has happened. Someone will be talking to me and i’m literally catching about every third word they’re saying. You can only ask “what?” so many times before that person looks at you like you’re the dumbest person they’ve ever met.

Writing things down... i’ll go back and read over my notes. They make no sense. Things are spelled incorrectly. Everything’s scattered. Like someone else wrote it. I walk around feeling like i’m not apart of my surroundings. My surroundings are not reality, like walking through a Fun House with no fun in sight. It’s like i’m seeing everything in those mirrors that make everything look distorted. All I can do is stare and try to figure it out. I can only imagine what that looks like from the outside. People walking around me while I just stare. Standing there trying not to cry because i’m in public.

I’ve been hallucinating. That comes and goes. I’m still forgetting why I picked certain things up, or why I walked to a certain room or what I was going to tell someone. Things a lot of people do but usually with somewhat immediate recall. I’m not remembering these things til days later, if at all. That’s the more frustrating part. Very small, seemingly insignificant things are happening over and over and over again. It’s no longer an insignificant mishap, this shit is snowballing and affecting everything. I can’t manage a store if I can’t function like a normal, fucking human being. I talked to my Probation Officer about some of the things that were happening and she asked me what medications I was taking and if any of them were used to treat seizures. Gave her the list and two of them just so happen to be used to treat seizures. I already knew that was the case but didn’t think that they would cause this long, intense stream of side effects. I know all about the side effects of medicine. You’ll basically die if you take it and die if you don’t.

I’ve experienced the lighter ones. Nausea, dizziness, dry mouth. The usual shit. Not forgetting how to read a fucking sentence. To my POs knowledge, those drugs do cause a lot of neurological problems, much that make it feel like i’m disassociating. Most of these things had been happening prior to taking the medications but it got much worse over time. I read up on the side effects in detail when I got home and everything aligned. So [because I will control this situation as much as I possibly can] I stopped taking the two that were the main issue. Should anyone ever just stop taking their medicine without consulting their physician first? No. Did I do it anyway? Yes. Now i’m going thru the withdrawal. Besides me losing my fucking mind, the Lamotrigine was actually working. It was the first medication I had taken for my Bipolar that has ever had that positive of an effect on me. But that was at the expense of me literally going insane. It’s not going to matter if I feel better when i’m dead because I crashed my car into a wall. The risk does not outweigh the reward. It did not cure anything. It did not solve even half of my problems but it did make me feel better. Not taking the Gabapentin doesn’t make a difference.

Now i’m going thru the withdrawal. I have 11 drafts on here that i’ve tried to complete and publish over the past few months and they’re just sitting in there. I know the only reason i’m able to write this one is because i’m not on the meds right now. Now my heart hasn’t felt off beat for the past few days (that’s a difficult feeling to describe) but in return, i’m the angriest i’ve been in awhile. I got in an argument with one of my employees this morning and did not feel bad at all. I got into it with another ASM a few days ago. I feel my temper coming back.

I made an appointment with a new MD for next week. I need to start over. I made an appointment to see my current Psychiatrist and cancelled it. I’m done with that guy. He keeps throwing these random pills at me and it’s not working. Not that the next doctor isn’t going to do the same, exact thing but I made an appointment at a facility that offers “Advanced Integrative Medical Care”. Basically, they’re on some new age shit. I’ve been reading up on Ketamine Therapy for over a year and even though it scares the shit out of me, i’m not completely against the idea. They also offer Medical Marijuana. I am officially now in my last 3 month stretch of my house arrest and this shit has finally gotten difficult. The first few weeks were hard because I was still trying to figure out what I could get away with and apparently it’s a lot but now, I just need this shit to end. I’m getting restless. I’m scared too tho.

I’m still going to be on supervised probation for a year (based on good behavior) but I need to get back to... something. I can’t be sober and I don’t want to be. Weed has been fine. Good, enough. I’ve grown a liking to it and found some that actually relaxes me. Alcohol. I miss alcohol. I’ll forever miss alcohol. I’ll miss it even if (when) I start drinking again. It’s that important. Watching movies, seeing people drink to have fun, to relax, to be brave, to socialize. And yet, I shouldn’t engage in that. I know I can engage in good things but the drinking is what i’ve been told I should stay away from. I’m not going to stay away from it. Alcohol makes things better. I know it, the people who tell me not to drink know it. It’s there and I need it. Yes, the problem is that I abuse it. I don’t know if I can overcome that problem. I’m going to try. That sounds crazy and insane so... it’s just going to have to be crazy and insane.

There are other ways to deal with my problems and i’m trying to implement them and hang onto them. I need those things too but I can’t walk thru the world with this open wound that is my life, unarmed. Chemicals... drugs... my brain chemistry will never be right and if I know there’s something out there that will give me temporary relief, i’m taking it. I just have to put the recklessness aside. This time around was a lot. I pray that it was enough to set me straight. Or at least to keep me out of jail for the second time.

[divine-identite]

So March through July has been most interesting lately -

So, in short, we are going to call these Arcs (like story arcs). There are five of them right now. 

Facts to remember about this person; she’s bisexual, into open relationships, looking for fwb, is on the spectrum, had depression and social anxiety - which is why she smokes.

So I met a coworker who I got along with in march. I thought she was really cool and knowledge, however, I had a strange intuition that something was off with her at the same time. So before all that, I tried inviting her out to some events - concerts and stuff. Cause I thought she was legit cool and whatnot.  She says no to this and eventually, in late April she invites me out to see Avengers: endgame; she does so because she works Fridays and Saturdays, and her friends are busy on those holidays. So I pick up, okay, so im just 2nd pick for this event? So I let it go and I buy our tickets and set the date and time. She cant do it because she is a tech and im just PRS. ( i just answer phones).

1st Arc

So on the movie day, I meet her at her place. her place is very lacklustre, she lives in a one-bedroom with no furniture - which is fine. Her roommate lives in the living room with an airbed. It’s all fine to me, I know the struggle is real. She’s nice enough to offer me coffee and scrambled eggs. I take just the coffee. She goes on a smoke break in her room, she's nice enough to close the door for her roommate.  I sit on the roommate's bed and how she gets off it is odd as fuck; she kind casually brushes her hands along her arm and wrist before asking me to stand up, and it takes her a while to get up and go. Because shes trying to decide what coat she wants to wear. So finally go off, get a ride up to the mall centre in german town. She starts talking about her stories and stuff - and about one time post-banging some freshmen on her sophomore year. I was thinking okay that’s good on you lol. Now the worst part is she starts leaning her head on me afterwards through the whole ride. We get to the movies afterwards, and there two seats left because her dumbass wanted to take her time getting here. So one guy pointed us to two seats left in the crowd. The theatre was packed so what she did was cling to my arm and lean to my shoulder- again. So after the movies, we go to chipotle, and then to the beer & spirits which I pay. Because her ID is expired, how the fuck do you let your Id expire? so I have to get it. We order a lyft head back and drink at her place and play some games. We both had a good time but I left once I saw the roommate had teased her about being autistic and etc. The shoulder leaning thing had me confused - she told me im an associate. 

So I bring up the issue with the shoulder leaning issue. So apparent none of that mattered. I got on her about how people can misinterpret that and she said few to interpret that. She gets upset because I bring this issue to mind like a few days. However, she mentioned one time a guy assumed she leads her on. Again she makes it clear we are associates the whole time.

2nd Arc 

Next week May 5th we scheduled to watch the game of thrones at her place. I get off at 10:30 pm on a Sunday, and she doesn't work on a Sunday. I  had to buy beer again - because so she meets me at my job. it was quite odd because her excuse for coming was “she was in town and though to drop by”. Nothing wrong with that but it did lead to some speculation. My coworker Gloria kept up asking questions like “Oh did you say hi to her?” “She usually doesn't wear dresses, Kelvin, what do you think?”, “ She doesn't work today here” so yeah it was hinting she knew something. Now after my shift we went to CVS and she offered to buy me snacks and food. She asks if I was sure? Now on this day, I had a sausage, cheese & egg. So I went to her place we had to go into her room since her roommate was sleeping. So she offered popeyes which I took only a wing. I sat by her bed rather than on it because - it felt weird lol. She said I could join her bed rather than sit by it - we are coworkers bruh. She leaves out too. So after smashing like 8- 9 beers I get on her bed because my knees were killing me on that hardwood floor. She comes back like “ It’s about time” so after a while she starts to lean on me again.  So the beer takes its toll - and I start to nod off. So while watching Game of Thrones she would ask some questions. So around season 5 she stops it there - tells me to get my things. Escorts me out to the door of her complex. The original plan actually to use a spare bed but she apparently didn't want to do that. So she escorts me outside 4:00 am in the morning, it's cold as fuck in may. She couldn't stay out because is only clothed in a skimpy sundress and she's anaemic and plus she left her house keys in her house. So understandable but still no check-in. Which contradicts with her usually thing because she would always see if I got home. I got home around 6 am had like only 4 hours of sleep and had to go to work lol- I had a slight headache but I was good. I texted her to see if she was okay, said she was fine and that I was doing too much. I just added that hey you were right that I should have eaten something. Now this issue sparks something on her end, this literally causes her to snap off and she literally bans me from coming to her house. 

After dropping her shoes off that she sent to my location because she lives in an apartment complex. we go to the gym together because of her social anxiety, now the fun part is after the gym. I found out apparently I had spilt beer on her carpet and pissed over her toilet while drunk, to be fair her bathroom is really dark. The only light is a night light behind you when you use the toilet. She had an emotional connection with that carpet so I sympathized with it and made to right my wrongs. So she asked only for three meals and me to go to the gym with her for a week. I decided a month because I felt bad about the situation. we agreed on Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday, Friday. Wednesday and Thursday are my days off.

3rd Arc

So off to the gym, some days she goes - some she doesn't - but either way I got continuously. Knowing discipline is necessary for progress. But usually, she is very inconsistent. So one week on Saturday she isn't going-  rather than going I just leave it be. She's being too indecisive about the matter. I tell her to just tell me when she would be going and went home.  So Tuesday comes up and she comes to work. She follows her usual routine; what's for lunch and etc? she comes up to check up on me and etc. But I wait until her shift after 12:30, now after that - my coworker comes up to ask “” Arent you going to the gym”. her reply, however, was “ No, I didn't do any laundry today. So I don't have any clean clothes to go with” That would’ve been news to tell me.  So she leaves without telling me the matter - and leaves me hanging there. Wednesday and Thursday im off, and not once did it cross her mind. To make amends, so I actually have to reach out and confront her on the issues. She owned up to it but said her new meds for her depression. I understood in that second but for that whole three days? I felt that was really considerate tbh. I stopped doing favours because that was massive and just focused on me tbh. That was a huge disrespect to me and my time. So around June, I brought up the issue again to make sure we were clear and realised I had backtracked on it based on her logic on of the issue. 

4th Arc

After a while, I agreed to invite her out to the movies. Went to see spider-man: Far away from home, I bought the tickets. We went over the seats and I set the time. So on the fourth, I reach the train station to meet her around 10:00 am, the movie starts at 12:45.  She literally tells me to meet her at the theatre though we agreed to the train station, because of its fucking raining. Now the forecast said it would rain - but she chose to dress for the heat tbh. So I let it go and get a ride to the theatre and get there. We are early like its 11:45 pm so we decide to go to Starbucks. So she pulls me aside and asks if she can send lingerie and stuff to my house somewhat nervously (think of a typical anime girl who is fidgetting her fingers nervously) - because it's for when she goes to the gym. Still, quite an odd favour but i accept it. So after the movies, it starts to rain, so I got to CVS and buy an umbrella. Because she's wearing a sundress and if she got any wetter it is porn show. So off we go to across town to the Vape shop because the vape she has, has been burning her throat. So at the shop, the lady shows us how it works and after that she needs ID. She doesn't have ID....still so I had to literally use my ID. After a while, we go eat, and meet her roommate at the firework place. She arm links up with him and tries to get me to join - I literally shoot her down like “Nah im good”. So the roommate introduces us to his friends at her house - and off we go to park. Im literally lacking behind and she comes and checks up behind me multiple times. I state that im okay until we get to the park. Now at the park it's fine until it starts to rain, being the only practical person with common sense - hold up a single umbrella for five people. After 20 minutes of holding this damn thing up, I pass it off before she starts asking me if I want to watch Netflix. I say no, and then I went on my phone to text my friend for a while. Again she asks it before not too long she is leaning my whole thigh with the phone on it.  Like you would with a couch armchair. This was no way platonic. After she leaning back on my chest with her back while we watch Netflix and stuff. Im like....you have your roommate there fam why not do this with him lol. After the fireworks, we leave but the large crowds cause her anxiety; she clings to my arm and literally is like “sorry for invading her personal space” ... it's a little too late for all that :T. We head  to safeway , use the bathroom and head home.

5th Arc

We were supposed to go to Otakon together - because she invited me out to the invite. So I told Mike, a coworker of mine, I and she are supposed to be going. The whole week is excited about Otakon and stuff - and Saturday tells me “whenever she gets up she’ll let me know when she goes down to the convention centre”. I’m like.... what kind of rude shit is that? but I let it be it is what it is. So Friday comes up I call mike, he is down there and I meet him there. He tells me to call her to figure where she is - because she told him she’d be here 3-4. I called her and phone rings twice before going to voicemail. So she tells me “Oh im just got sick. Just my luck!” now I know this feels like bullshit really. You were super excited about this event - and Mike told me she looked healthy yesterday - again not making any sense really. So rather than just telling me you aren't going to show up at all. And she scheduled this event the whole time tbh.  

[myvelouri]

I just can't remember how to be me

So

It's like this now, I cant remember how to behave or act like myself. Because when I acted like myself I wasn't "acting" all of that came naturally. How do you make something that used to happen naturally happen again? I'm not forcing it but I'm fucking it up. I can remember how I used to be. You know? At work or school, and you see someone, a coworker that you work with, you just mess with them, tease them or make a joke, and you naturally become friends with a unique relationship and you both fuck around with each other being stupid. That's how it used to be for me. I'd make everyone laugh. Ice breakers were so easy for me. Usually something funny would happen in front of us and I'd make joke about it, and that would be the first time we ever interacted, and lmao it would be a great first impression. Other times I literally had inside jokes with people I JUST met in the hall. I can't remember but I'd be walking down the hall and another girl would be walking down and we'd both see something ridiculous or someone do something ridiculous. Lmao and I'd make a gesture or something and they'd laugh. Next time I saw them I did it again and we'd crack up. Eventually I'd talk to them but there was already this safe familiarity between us. Do you want know how sweet that is? I'm so glad to have experienced this in my life, and actually it's happened a lot! I think it was my reaction to things happening, it used to be funny, I used to be funny. I used to also be very class clowny but not in a douchey way. God, life without depression is something else. Yeah so I made friends easy, don't get me wrong I still do this, I made a few friends just being natural. But I'm not consistent at ALL, and even at my best now, it's nothing compared to what I used to be pre-depression.

I think there's a few girls at work that just don't think I'm chill, they talk to the other guys at work all on their own and joke with them and try to mess with them. Meanwhile I'm just awkwardly there, I feel like, I'm not acknowledged and I'm not joked with... I don't think those two girls are comfortable with me. That "safe familiarity" isn't there with them and so they don't just come to me as friends and joke around. It does hurt, yeah, I mean, they are just people but... I really enjoy messing with people. I can't tell you, I can't explain how big of a thing this was for me. To joke, to mess with people. Sometimes I'd just make up shit and try to keep a straight face if my buddies were around cause they knew I was making shit up. But it was so believable lmao, some shit was so clever. I can't even come up with shit like that anymore

Anyway. Yeah. It applies to talking or hitting on girls too. There was this gorgeous girl at work, she was shopping around and my coworker egged me on to talk to her. She had black yoga pants or something on and a green athletic top with long sleeves, gorgeous straight hair, great legs, great butt like wtf wow. And so I couldn't even feel myself, I can't be myself, plus I can't be intimate with anyone right now due to my health, yeah, it's a huge drag, and so I only asked her if she needed help. And she SO CUTELY said "OH! NO! SIR! I'M just looking around!" And she was so full of energy and the way she said it, I died. Omfg she was the cutest girl ever. I couldn't find her after that. She was very bouncy and shopping, looking for home decor stuff, she was texting rapidly every few moments. She was so cute. Thin, fit, Hispanic, maybe mixed. White and Hispanic maybe. She looked to be around my age for sure, like maybe 26ish.

But what's the point. I'm being treated like subhuman my regular girls that are my coworkers, you think I'ma be able to pull someone I like? I am so beat down by my health, by this MRSA infection and my other virus I have. I'm really, really fucked up and it's triggered my depression badly, and then that depression is making me forget how to be myself. Another co-worker gal pal, she is being totally wary of me, I thought we were cool but it seems I was wrong. I just.

I'm so tired of this life.

It's not the same life I had. This is too much brain damage.

And when I first started working here I was more natural and jokey, totally able to be myself and the girl who was training me, omg I was making her laugh sooooo much. Because I felt much better, not as depressed, but like, that mode where I'm able to have a small tunnel of happiness and joy. I did that. And guess what? Me and her are hella cool! She's totally awesome and I talk to her, she's a cool chick! She kinda looks like rihanna I just realized. I even went to a party with her and had a few shots with her. She's totally fun. And see? I was just being my natural goofy self, even though it's not on the same level as my pre-depression goofy ass self, it's still good enough to be trusted and befriended, liked, what I'm used to.

And so the other girls I don't know. I am just. Bleh. Not able to be consistent. The other girl that I made friends with was also very chill! I love her, even though she's been distrant.

I just can't remember how to be me

But I so remember me.

[chatnoirismycinnamonroll]

Storytime

Ok, so I had to wake up early Friday morning to go to work. I had to go in at 8 am, and had woken up at 5:30 since my siblings have to get ready to catch their school bus. I woke up, woke them up, and decided to help my sister get ready for school. It was 6:30 by the time they left for school. But, instead of staying awake, I decided to go right back to sleep.

And the dream I had was...weird.

Ok, so my dream starts off with my coworker and I having to drive this white delivery truck somewhere to deliver a package, which isnt in any way part of our job description so I knew I was dreaming. I'm driving, and I realize we are driving down a familiar road. I'm like, ok, cool. Imma enjoy the scenery. But then I take a right turn and, suddenly, I'm driving down the beach. Even dream me was like, "What the fuck? This road doesnt lead to the fucking beach. How the fuck?"

But my coworker, Doña Ana, told me to just keep driving. So, naturally, I did. I'm driving down the sand, trying to avoid running over people before I realize theres no way someone is actually going to die becuase they're all magically moving out of the way. Great.

For some reason, once we reach the delivery destination, which was some kind of weird loading dock with its OWN GODDAMN POSTAL SERVICE, HELLO, I DIDNT NEED TO DRIVE ALL THE WAY OUT HERE THIS IS BULLSHIT. Anyway, for some reason I had parked my little delivery truck behind some other white freightliners, or eighteen-wheelers, and I couldnt find it. So I'm walking around the beach, like an idiot, and I literally turn a full circle and walk back towards the loading dock and, suddenly, it's like I knew where my truck was the whole time.

I get in and start driving back. I take the same route, but it suddenly turns into this narrow road with a Canal on both sides, with steep sides leading down into a watery death. And we pass this neighborhood, and theres this little girl on the road. At first I was going to drive past because little girl on the road? In the middle of the night? Yeah, I'm noping the fuck out fo that situation.

But Doña Ana told me to move the girl. So I jump off and tell the girl to move back. She looks at the canal and says shes going to fall in. So I gently push her back towards her neighborhood where she just stands at the entrance, looking so sad and lost, and she looks up at me and says, "I dont want to walk home alone. Can you walk me home?" And I know I shouldn't, but I do anyway. I'm a sucker for kids, but as I'm walking her home I'm thinking, "She seems nice. I wish Sammy (my little sister) were here. They'd be great friends."

And suddenly, my sister is right there with me. And, sure enough, the girls hit it off. They decide on an impromptu playdate. And I'm like, yeah ok. I look back, and the canal is gone, it's like not there and suddenly we are just in the middle of a suburban neighborhood. Huh. Ok.

And for some reason, my sister and I enter this little girl's house in, like, one fo those little toy cars? The ones you can drive around in as a kid? And we are playing with this girl and driving around her fucking house like this and, sure enough, we break something. Cue the mother coming in, seeing me in the toy car, and telling us to fuck off. "Thank you for bringing my daughter home, but get the fuck out of my house."

"Wow, okay lady. I'm sorry for the mess we made, but it was a pleasure meeting you."

"Yeah, whatever, get out of my house."

So we leave. The delivery truck is parked outside on a curb and suddenly my mom is there because its night and my sister and I werent home and we need to get home NOW becuase Sammy has cheer practice in the morning. The truck has wide seats, those where you can sit three people in the front and like an opened space in the back. No seats, so my little sister and this random dude with his baby had to sit on the floor, hiding because we didnt want the cops to pull us over for not having a seat belt.

BUT DOÑA ANA DOESNT BELIEVE IN SEAT BELTS. And I told her to let me drive, but my mom had said no and Doña Ana isnt the the best driver so, as we are pulling out fo the neighborhood, Doña Ana backs up into a mailbox. And in that neighborhood there was a cop patrolling. And he saw her. And stopped us just outside the nieghborhood.

I suddenly remember I did not have my seatbelts on, so I put it on. We're all tense cus the people in the back dont have seats, let alone seatbelts, Doña Ana doesnt have a driver's license, and I didnt have my purse becuase I left it at my workplace. She gets told to get out of the car.

Now here is where it gets fucked up.

I'm looking out the driver's window, enjoying the view of the clouds. They seem big and fluffy, and a bit dark...actually, are those funnels?

There are three funnels in the sky. Tornadoes. Not one, not two, but three. And they're starting to merge together. The wind is picking up, and I see a blast of air rushing towards us in the distance.

"Mom, holy shit are you seeing this?"

"Pfft. It's not a tornado."

I see the wind picking up cars and blowing them aside as it approaches us.

"Those things dont happen so far down in Texas."

It blows a helicopter out of the sky and blows it towards our truck. The blades are still running and, as they approach the driver's window, they get closer to eye level.

"Nothing is going to happen."

My eyes widen, and I duck. The blades cross exactly where my head had been, and I'm glad my sister and the dude and the baby were laying on the floor of the truck because they lived. The whole top half is gone and I'm relieved that we are alive.

.

.

.

...Until I hear a gurgling sound beside me. And I turn...

And my mother's neck is bleeding. She is holding her neck, and I know exactly what happened when she turns to look at me, her eyes wide with panic, blood gushing down her shirt as she tries to form words. I utter my denials as I reach for her, trying to hold her head to her neck and having to flounder because my mom's head is in my hands and it's such an awkward weight and oh my god I'm holding my mother's severed head.

And I scream. And my mom's body leans out the hole where the passenger door was and she falls onto the grass outside, and her severed head falls above it, refusing to stick back together, staying separate and somehow she is still holding on to life just long enough for her to tell me to "Take Sammy home. Keep her safe."

And I scream again becuase I cant do that and my mother just had her head cut off my a helicopter's blades and I cant leave her body there but I have to because I cant just take my mother's body along with me, especially with my sister in the backseat.

So I start to drive away, sobbing, not believing what has happened. And my body goes numb. My foot moves off from the pedal and the truck slows to a stop. My sister is screaming at me to go. My mother's echo is telling me to go. Why arent you moving? Why arent you listening to me?

But I cant feel a thing. My mind is stuck on the weight of my mother's severed head. On that feeling when my relief turned to horror with a single sound. On the anger I briefly felt as I realized my mother has no survival skills since she didnt duck when I did. On a single thought that said, "Let this be a dream. Please, let this be a dream. Wake up, wake up wake UP!"

I'd never been happier than when my eyes snapped open on Friday morning, March 8, at 7:29 am. I'd never been happier to know I just had a nightmare.

[kaileynel4-blog]

You are all lucky SOB’s!!!

Alrighty, let’s dive right into the issue of my blog....my title is incorrect!!! Yes, this whole time I have had a title I did not mean to have. I mean, it doesn’t really make sense?!? Happiness is contagious, just like a sneeze??? So remember when I wrote my first blog post? The one where I deleted my entry 3 times?!?! So I think that is where my problem all started! I was so frustrated with the fact that I stupidly deleted my blog, that I stupidly wrote the wrong title!? I am not sure where the sneeze part came into play but I meant to say YAWN!! Yawns are contagious, not SNEEZES! Sweet jesus I’m an oblivious idiot sometimes. I think I am just gonna drop the sneeze part and just go with Happiness is Contagious. Sorry for all the confusion and head scratches along the way...I will say one thing though, it sure would have been nice if one of you told me!!! Just said “hey kailey, your title doesn’t make sense...sneezes aren’t contagious...” I blame 20% of this title mistake on you guys!

Anyways, the past few weeks have been a bit more challenging for me and continually learning the ups and downs of living abroad. I have been in Thailand for 5 months now and can’t believe it! Some days it feels like I’ve been gone forever and others like I just left last week. The amount of thinking through my emotions and listening to that little voice in my head, is much more than I anticipated. I am not much of an emotional person...I am not saying that I am heartless person or that I dont have emotions, I just don’t outwardly express them as much as others. So having to deal with these random thoughts and emotions is not my favorite thing to do. There are many ways to cope with your mental state of craziness. Currently, mine is exercise and coffee. Yes, coffee. I try to do some sort of physical activity everyday. It helps with all my anxiousness that I tend to have...sometimes I swear my attention span is like a 5 year olds. The “squirrel” situation happens to me more often than it should :) Coffee...oh the sweet sweet smell of good coffee. Drinking an iced cappuccino helps calm me and has become a comfort thing for me. It is a reminder of home but also brings back all the wonderful times I have had drinking coffee with my favorite people! I feel a sense of normalcy is brought to my not so normal life. I love the adventure that I am on but realized that it’s okay to want a bit of normalcy and miss some comforts of back home. In the beginning, I wouldn’t let myself think about all the things I missed cause I thought it would be harder but then I realized that I am lucky to miss people from home. I am one lucky lady to be living in a place that not many others have experienced. I am lucky to be surrounded by constant support and love. And I am lucky to have dogs all around me and help improve the lives of elephants in SE Asia! Now this is the part where you get to reflect...what makes you feel lucky?? What are the moments in your life where you have just thought “damn, I am one lucky bastard!” How do you cope with your crazy thoughts and emotions? One thing that i am learning along this journey, is to reflect and be grateful everyday that I am alive. If you are still reading my blogs (thank you Mom) I hope the one thing that you have taken away from them is to be grateful. The crappy situation you may think you are in could always be worse and sometimes you just need to remind yourself how fuckin lucky you are to be alive! Here is a photo of me loving life with two of coworkers, Fang and Roger! We were with the volunteers as they walked the elephants to the river!

This past week I had mixed emotions about life...I was feeling homesick and i think in large part due to the fact that my sister and Jacque were visiting and had just left. Words cant begin to describe how amazing it was to have my sister and Jacque come visit me. It is a pretty special thing to be able to share my Thailand home with the one person that I have always looked up to and admired. Being able to show my sister the loving community i live in, the efforts that Bamboo is doing to improve the lives of the elephants and show her why I love working here. I hope that she now has a better sense of what i am doing and understands a bit more as to why I moved here! After my sister and Jacque left, I had a bit of an emotional rollercoaster for a couple days. I was questioning why the fuck I am here, what do i want to get out of working in Thailand and really how much i missed home. As i worked through these emotions, i realized that I chose to do this. this decision was all me. I reached out to Bamboo to see if they had a job opening, I applied and I got the job. I didn’t care what people thought about me moving aboard cause I knew that I wanted to do it and that was all that mattered. I hope that from here on out I will be bold with my decisions, chase after my dreams, continue to spread happiness (even if its not contagious like a sneeze haha) remember how amazing life is when you are living it up, and always encourage those around you to be the best version of themselves.

The level of shits given lately is 0 for me. I am used to the weird Thailand things and know that i just need to accept it and move on. For example, there is a gecko that lives in my room. He poops in the same spot in my room and I cant seem to get him out! Normally, people would freak out about this and maybe even call a terminator. I dont think there is a such thing in Thailand so I just pray every night that I dont wake up with him on my face. In the village, the water goes out during the middle of the day. I have also had to accept this and just do a bucket shower or remain extremely smelly for a few more hours. I realized when my sister was visiting that my level of actual cleanliness is suffering a bit. I just dont really care that i brush my teeth from water that has been sitting in a bucket for who knows how long, or that the dishes we use to eat with everyday sit outside to dry with all the bugs and critters that could potentially crawl on them, or that i swim in a elephant poo infested river twice a week cause i am not gonna pass up swimming with them. I used to refuse to sleep on floors and never really liked camping in tents unless i had a pad. I have slept on the floor with a small thai pad for 5 months now. Some days i would love to have a tempurpedic mattress but for the most part I have done pretty good considering how high maintenance i was about sleeping on the floor. I have survived brushing my teeth in questionable water for 5 months and as long as I brush them i am pretty pleased with myself. There are just some things in life that aren’t worth the energy of worrying about. Accepting this is the hardest part but something I am learning. Thailand so far has taught me to be tougher and a little smellier. We live a pretty cushy and priviladge life in America and it is good to strip yourself of these privileges every once in awhile to really see what your boundaries are. When Jacque and my sister were here, the one thing that Jacque said she realized almost immediately was that she will never complain about water her beautiful plants again. We saw a woman carrying two big buckets of water on the end of a stick and was going to water her crops. We dont have to worry about watering our plants cause all we have to do is turn the hose on and stand there. We also have house plants for our pure enjoyment and dont rely on them to make a living. Appreciation is a huge thing for me and i appreciate every delicious cup of coffee i get, i appreciate all the meals that are cooked for me, I appreciate when my thai coworkers pick me up so i dont have to walk, I appreciate the dark chocolate that my mom sent me, I appreciate the smell of clean laundry and i appreciate most of all the people in my life. So the next time you complain about having to water your plants, drive your nice car to the grocery store, having to take your dog for a walk, or complain about your bed being too small, remember just how fucking lucky we are to have these things in our lives. Some people wont ever have the luxury of having these things so please just be grateful and appreciative of all that you have!

Here is a photo of our staff/family dinners in the village! I LOVE SPICY THAI FOOD!!!!

Here is one last thing before i go...I have fallen in love.......with a dog at the village. Her name is Kao (pronounced like cow) and she is the sweetest dog. I have talked about her before. She is the dog that had 4 litters of puppies and I paid for her to get spayed so she doesn’t have to have any more puppies! Anyways, I want to adopt kao and bring her back home to America to live a spoiled and privileged puppy life. The problem i have run into is that I dont know exactly when I will be coming home for good and need someone to help foster/adopt her. If you are interested in helping me get her to america please let me know! I am looking for someone to temporarily take care of her until i come home. Now i must warn you, if you want to foster her, please dont fall in love with her. She is my dog and I will want her back! It is going to be hard for you cause she is an amazing pup but we can work out a situation where you can still see her. Maybe even puppy sit! Okay, I’m getting off topic here....If anyone would like to help me out with this amazing and sweet dog please let me know! It is a long process to adopt a dog from Thailand so it would take a little while but i would love to get it started. Here are a couple photos of her to make you feel a little guilty and possible persuade you to help out ;) also, if you cant adopt but want to help out financially let me know!

As always i am sending lots of hugs and kisses to those back home. I am grateful everyday that I am alive and happy and I hope that you are too!

Cheers to summer livin and see you all in a month!! If anyone wants to have a slumber party and drink wine when i am home, i am most definitely down for that!

Love you all :)